114. How to Talk Money with Your Honey (Without a Shame Spiral or a Fight)

Do you avoid talking about money with your partner because it always ends in tension, shutdowns, or shame spirals? You’re not alone—and it doesn’t have to be that way.

In this solo episode, I’m sharing how you can turn money conversations from a source of stress into one of the most life-giving, intimate practices in your relationship. Whether you’re dating, partnered, or married, learning how to talk money with your honey is one of the most powerful ways to co-create a life of alignment, abundance, and love.

I’ll walk you through the four foundational steps to have clear, connected, and empowered financial conversations. From healing your money stories to creating shared abundance agreements, we’re covering what it takes to get on the same financial page—without sacrificing your individuality or values.

I’m also pulling back the curtain on how Mike and I navigate our own finances, including what works for us and why. Spoiler alert: It’s not about doing it “right.” It’s about doing it consciously and together.

If you’re ready to stop avoiding the money talk and start using it to deepen your connection, this one’s for you.

In this episode, I cover:

• The real reason most money fights happen—and how to stop the cycle
• How to uncover and heal your personal (and generational) money stories
• The key to creating abundance agreements that actually work
• Why caregiving and invisible labor deserve more value in your partnership
• How to align your finances with what truly lights you up—individually and together

“When there’s secrecy of any kind—especially around finances—it leaks the energy and eats away at the foundation of your relationship.” –Kate Northrup

🎤 Let’s Dive into the Good Stuff on Plenty 🎤

00:19 Introduction to Financial Stewardship
00:37 Couples and Money Conversations
02:06 Personal Financial Backgrounds
04:01 Emotional Baggage and Money
06:10 Understanding Money Stories
07:53 Financial Agreements and Clarity
12:49 Empowerment in Financial Management
16:45 Valuing Caregiving and Unpaid Labor
19:13 Engaging with Finances as a Couple
23:26 Aligning Finances with Values

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Inside, you’ll learn how to:
💡 Break the ‘money in, money out’ cycle and create lasting stability.
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Episode Transcript

Kate Northrup: (00:00):
Collective financial stewardship in a
couple can become one of themost life giving activities that
you do together because it'sabout your life. It's about
creating a life that you trulydesire to live, and I can't
think of anything more romanticthan that. Welcome to Plenty.

(00:21):
I'm your host Kate Northrup andtogether we are going on a
journey to help you have anincredible relationship with
money, time, and energy, and tohave abundance on every possible
level. Every week, we're gonnadive in with experts and
insights to help you unlock alife of hunting.

(00:44):
Let's go fill our cups. Today,we are talking about money and
your honey. How to talk to yourhoney about money. So during our
recent relaxed money enrollment,we had more students enrolled
than ever before. And we hadmore students enrolled than ever
before of one particular type,although of all types, but there

(01:07):
was one particular trend that Inoticed.
And that was that we have morecouples than ever in the
program. So in Relaxed Money, ifyou are joining the program with
a romantic partner who lives inthe same household as you, you
can take the program togetherfor the price of one. So it's an
amazing opportunity to dive intofinancial healing with your

(01:31):
spouse or your romantic partnerif you're not married. And it
just absolutely warms my heartto see the breakthroughs that
these couples have. The numberone thing I hear from this work
is I am not fighting with myspouse or my partner about money

(01:51):
anymore.
Like, we're able to talk aboutmoney, and it's actually fun.
And now we're on the same page,and now we've combined our
goals, and now we're workingtogether towards something. In
so many couples, first of all,we're not taught how to manage
money with another human when wehave a shared life. Like, nobody

(02:15):
teaches that. You know, peoplejust there's like all this stuff
about weddings, and what areyour wedding colors, and like,
what are the flowers gonna be,what's the theme, what's the
dress, like, all this stuff.
And wonderful. I mean, mywedding was definitely one of
the top three days of my life. Iabsolutely loved my wedding. So
glad we did it. And also, thosethings do not set you up for a

(02:37):
successful relationship.
You know, and and again, whetheryou're married or not, the same
thing applies. There's such adearth of there's of information
and education around finances ingeneral, and, like a dearth
meaning a lack. And so I'mreally here to help fill that
in. Now my own personal story isthat my parents were on really

(02:59):
different pages financially.They just have super different
approaches to money.
They have very differentparadigms around money, and it
gave me the opportunity first ofall, it was, like, a little
stressful, I'll be honest, beingin a household where there was
not clear communication, therewas not two people being on the
same page, there was not analignment in terms of how there

(03:20):
was an alignment in terms oflike general values. You know,
my parents really valuededucation. They really valued
experiences. Those were thethings that they felt great
about spending money on, so theywere on the same page there. But
in terms of their overallphilosophy, they were not.
And so it created thissituation, which many people I'm

(03:41):
sure listening have the samething, where instead of two
people walking next to eachother going the same direction,
supporting each other on thepath. Instead, it was like two
people walking away from eachother trying to get to their
goals, but ultimately, becausethey weren't on the same page,

(04:05):
they were both thwarting eachother's efforts because there
wasn't that clear communicationand clear systems and clear
combined goals. I wanna say, inorder to have a great
relationship with money and yourhoney at the same time, you
don't have to want all the samethings. Right? Like, you get to
have your own financial goals.

(04:25):
Your partner gets to have theirown financial goals, and then
you get to have shared financialgoals. So it's all part of the
puzzle. The missing piece formost people is clarity because
we have so much emotionalbaggage around money, and we
bring that emotional baggage tothe financial conversations

(04:49):
because most people have neverdone any kind of healing work
around their relationship withmoney, and so they take out all
their baggage on their partner.And then we get into avoidance
patterns, we get into resentmentpatterns, we get into lying and
secrecy or half truths, we getinto a feeling I think I said

(05:13):
resentment already. That's areally, really common one where
one part of the couple wants x yz.
Maybe it's to save forretirement to for early
retirement. Maybe they'rewanting to become work optional.
And then the other partner is areal spender and goes just on
these spending benders and doesnot consult the other person.

(05:37):
And so it feels like, oh, thisperson is thwarting all of my
efforts towards my financialgoals. There's also situations
where both people, you know,Mike and I are both spenders.
So left to our own devices, wejust both will just spend money.
Not on, I mean, not on thingsthat I would consider quote
unquote frivolous, like not onlike luxury goods that just sit

(06:00):
around, for example, but onsports equipment or health
equipment or experiences likeconcerts with VIP tickets or,
you know, like, we love we justlove experiences. We love that.
And, also, we don't wanna be ina situation where with our
spouse, we're either egging eachother on in our unconscious

(06:24):
behavior or where both of us aredoing unconscious behavior but
not talking about it. So stepnumber one let me just have some
coffee.
Step number one is this. Yougotta do your own money work.
And you gotta get clear on notonly your own money story, like
what history are you bringing toyour relationship with money

(06:49):
with your with your partner, andyou also need to find out about
their money story. Because whenyou partner with someone, you
are not just partnering withthem. You're actually partnering
with their entire lineage.
Right? Like, we know this.People come with families,
people come with baggage, butwhen it comes to money, let's

(07:10):
say your partner hadgrandparents who lived through
the Great Depression, and thatwas an incredibly stressful
time. That memory, that stress,and financial trauma actually is
going to live in your partner'sbody, believe it or not. And
that's gonna be impacting yourmoney conversations and your

(07:33):
money life today.
So number one, you gotta do yourown money work, know your own
money story, and then know youryour partner's money story. So
before you even get into thedollars and cents, before you
even get into the numbers, getinto what history are we
bringing to the table. And youcan actually do the money

(07:56):
healing work, the money storywork together. And we do that in
the Relaxed Money program. Iactually give you a guide for
how to do that.
So that's number one. Number twois you need to decide, okay, are
we going to have full combinedfinances? Are we gonna keep our
finances totally separate, orare we gonna do some kind of

(08:19):
hybrid system? Now I knowcouples who thrive financially
who have all differentcombinations of these things.
There's not a right choice, butI will tell you every single
time the wrong choice is to nothave clarity and to not have
clear agreements.
So what I see 90% of the time isthat couples who struggle with

(08:42):
each other financially wherethere's a lot of tension around
money, it's because there arenot clear agreements, and
there's a lot of unspokenagreements where frequently
assumptions are made, and oneperson thinks everyone agrees,

(09:04):
and the other person has acompletely other set of
agreements in their mind, andthe two sets of agreements do
not match. We have to verbally,and I actually think in written
form, another step we take inRelaxed Money is called the
abundance agreements. We have tosit down and actually create

(09:26):
abundance agreements, not onlyfor ourselves, but also within
our household. So for example,our abundance agreement in Mike
and my household is that all ofour finances are completely
combined. I have some investmentaccounts that I had before, and
Mike has some land he hadbefore.
So there's, like, those things.We we don't they're not all

(09:48):
shared, but fundamentally, Mikeand I have had the same income
source since 02/2011. It is ourcompany, so it would make no
sense to separate it.Technically, we, you know, we
both pay ourselves on payroll,so we do have separate salaries,
but it all just comes out of thebusiness and goes into our

(10:08):
shared personal checkingaccount, and it keeps everything
really easy. So we have ourshared company.
We have our shared personalchecking account. We have our
shared high yield savingsaccount. We have of course, we
have individual, like,retirement accounts because
that's how those things work,but essentially all the money is

(10:30):
shared. I know there arefinancial experts who especially
will say to women, you alwaysneed to keep some money off the
side to yourself. If that makesyou feel safe, please do that.
However, don't do it in secrecybecause financial secrets will
fester, and they will create anabscess in your relationship

(10:56):
where there's an energetic leakand there's a lack of trust and
it eats away at the foundationof your relationship, and then
you won't be able to be all inwith each other because even if
another person even if the oneperson in the relationship can't
put their finger on it, whenthere's secrecy of any kind,

(11:16):
especially around finances, itleaks the energy, and over time,
the relationship will verylikely fizzle out. I mean, I'm
not saying we have to telleverybody everything all the
time about everything, but,like, if you're stashing away a
separate, you know, a separatecash account and you're doing

(11:37):
that in secret, that's that'sgonna eat away at your
relationship. So if you're gonnakeep money separate, fantastic.
If you if I know one couple, forexample, where they take their
money and each person has theirown paycheck, and so they keep
everything separate where theyhave two separate personal

(11:59):
checking accounts, and then theyhave a shared household checking
account, and they've just madean agreement that one person
pays, you know, puts in themoney for the mortgage, this
other person puts in the moneyfor the groceries, this person
puts in the money for like thekids, you know, activities, this
one puts in the money forvacations, and they just have
that as an agreement and thatworks great for them.

(12:22):
To me, that's too muchadministrative and it wouldn't
work in our relationship, but itwouldn't make sense because
again, Mike and I have the sameshared income stream. So that
was number two, is you gotta getclear on are we all in shared
expense shared finances? Are weall out totally separate

(12:43):
finances, or are we going to dosome variety of hybrid? So
that's great. And that's yourabundance agreements.
That's part of your abundanceagreements and and creating
your, as I call it, a relaxedmoney cash flow management
system. Now number three is thisreally comes up and is common.

(13:06):
It's not gonna happen in everyrelationship. It's not gonna be
relevant in every singlerelationship, but it comes up a
lot with my students, and thatis this. I'm a stay at home mom,
and I don't make the money, so Ifeel like I have to ask
permission to do anything that Iwanna do, or I don't make the

(13:31):
money, so therefore, don't feelworthy of being involved in the
investing, in the financialmanagement.
So there is and I did a wholeepisode on this. I can't
remember the episode number, butwe'll link it below in the show
notes where I talked aboutessentially needing to become a
financial adult. And what I seefor women in particular and and

(13:56):
please, I'm not please don'ttake this as a judgment. It's
just a trend. Okay?
This is not a judgment. It's atrend. And I I know it well
because this was me as well. Isee women, grown ass women, who
act like little girls when itcomes to their finances. And
they say they want all thisabundance, and they say they

(14:17):
want security, and they say theywant financial freedom, but
actually they're acting like achild, wherein they are
willingly allowing someone elseto control the money, and they
get the secondary gain, and thesecondary gain is when you are
benefiting from a behavior thatyou say you don't want to do,

(14:42):
but because you have a secondarygain where you're benefiting
from it, you keep doing it.
And so the secondary gain offinancial avoidance or feeling
like someone else controls themoney because they earned the
paycheck, the secondary gain isyou don't have to be a grown up,
and you get to be a child inthat area of your life. And if
that's a willing choice thatyou're making, if you're like,

(15:04):
no, even though I'm 42, Iactually want to be a little
girl when it comes to money,fantastic. Knock yourself out.
But if you cannot say verbally,I I am willingly, consciously
choosing to be a child when itcomes to money, then you better
put your big girl panties on,and begin to engage. Because the

(15:27):
other thing underlying under thesurface here is that when there
is, and this actually, by theway, can happen with any gender,
any gender identity, any kind ofcouple, it absolutely can happen
in same sex couples as well.
When there's one partner who isquote unquote the breadwinner,

(15:49):
and then the other partner whois more on the home front, and
that, I have many friends whereactually it's the
nontraditional, where the womanis the breadwinner and the man
is the stay at home person, orsame thing with same sex
couples. What ends up happeningis we recreate toxic societal

(16:09):
structures right within ourhomes, right within our own
kitchens, and we can say we're afeminist all day long, or what
you know, that we're progressiveall day long, but then right at
home, we give away our power tothe person who makes the
paycheck, and we feel like, oh,they have control. I already

(16:31):
talked about that. But the thingunderneath the surface here is
systemic, one of the things. Andthe systemic issue is that in
our culture, we don't valuecaregiving.
And so there's so much unpaidlabor going on, so whoever is
making sure lunches are packed,making sure there's food in the

(16:54):
fridge, making sure boo boos arekissed, making all the dentist
appointments, handling the thebirthday presents, making the
holidays magical, like makingsure there are clean clothes,
and that everyone has the rightsize shoes, and like all of that
stuff that actually makes thefoundation of a life like

(17:16):
caregiving, that tends to beunpaid or low paid labor in our
culture. And that's simplybecause of thousands of years of
patriarchy, of only celebratingthat which is about conquering
and visible results, and goingbigger, and going faster, and

(17:39):
profits over people, and all ofthat stuff, it's a whole other
thing. But if you are in arelationship where you are not
quote unquote the breadwinner,or where you are the
breadwinner, and you are in anyway devaluing the contributions
of the person who is doing moreof the caregiving, the house

(18:01):
householder behaviors, whetherthat person is you or whether
that person is your partner, wegotta call ourselves in and say,
hey, in what way am I reflectingthe larger overarching culture
in my own unconscious bias whereI'm more valuing the paycheck

(18:24):
earning and less valuing theperson and the contributions of
the unpaid, often invisiblelabor that makes the
breadwinning possible.
So all that to say, all that tosay, if you have a dynamic where
one person makes way more moneythan the other person, we need

(18:47):
to begin to put a bigger valueon all the unpaid and the
invisible labor, so that theperson, maybe who isn't earning
the paycheck, but who is makingthe earning of the paycheck
possible with all thefoundational aspects of living a

(19:08):
life, and all the caregivingaspects, and all the logistical
aspects, When we do that, theperson who is more in the
caregiving role, more in the athome role, then will feel
entitled to participate in thefamily finances in a much more
robust way. And here's thetruth. If you are a woman, the

(19:32):
average age of widowhood islower than you think. More
students enroll than everbefore, and we had more students
enroll than ever before of oneparticular type, although of all
types, but there was oneparticular trend noticed. And
that was that we have morecouples than ever in the

(19:52):
program.
So in Relaxed Money, if you arejoining the program with a
romantic partner who lives inthe same household as you, you
can take the program togetherfor the price of one. So it's an
amazing opportunity to dive intofinancial healing with your
spouse or your romantic partnerif you're not married. And it

(20:14):
just absolutely warms my heartto see the breakthroughs that
these couples have. The numberone I'm not saying you're gonna
end up a widow, but I'm justsaying statistically speaking,
fifty percent of marriages endin divorce, and the average age
of widowhood is younger than youwould think. And so all that

(20:37):
means is that the likelihood ofyou if you are a woman, the
likelihood of you findingyourself in a situation where
you actually are in charge ofyour finances is very high.
So why would you not get engagednow? And it also, I just want to
say, it makes it really fun.Like, there is this isn't just

(21:00):
like be a grown up and put onyour big girl pants and
whatever. This is theopportunity for you to step into
a greater relationship with lifeitself. Because when we show up
for our household finances andwe take a look at them and we
make conscious choices aroundthem and we align our spending

(21:20):
with what's important to us andwe get on the same page around
our financial goals, believe itor not, collective financial
stewardship in a couple canbecome one of the most life
giving activities that you dotogether, because it's about
your life.
It's about creating a life thatyou truly desire to live in. I

(21:41):
can't think of anything moreromantic than that, quite
frankly. So number three, if youare in a relationship where one
person is the breadwinner andone person is not, we really
need to do some unpacking aroundthat, especially if you are
feeling a lack of empowermentaround being engaged in the

(22:02):
finances and feeling like youhave to quote unquote ask for
permission in order to have whatyou want, in order to spend
money. So that was number three.And then number four is you get
to sit down with your person andreally get into their heart, and
find out what is it that makesthem come alive.

(22:25):
And maybe you knew twenty yearsago, but maybe it's changed. You
know, we evolve. We change ashumans. So what a fun date night
activity to go out and ask eachother about what makes your
heart sing? What do you imaginefor us ten years from now,
twenty years from now?

(22:45):
What are the things you want tomake sure you experience in this
lifetime? What are the top threemoments that you remember that
you've already experienced inthis lifetime? What do those
things have in common, and howcan we intentionally align our
finances so that our life ismade up of more of those? And

(23:06):
then you can each ask each otherthese questions, you can write
it all down, you can figure outwhat the common aspects are, and
then make a plan to have yourfinancial life actually support
the life you both want to livetogether and individually. So
that is what I have for youtoday.

(23:29):
That's how to get startedtalking to your honey about
money. We had number one, you'vegot to do your own money healing
work, and you've got tounderstand your money story and
your partner's money story.Number two, you need financial
agreements, abundance agreementsin your household that make it
clear, how are we doing ourmoney? Who's paying for what?

(23:51):
How are we doing this?
What are the agreements we have?Then number three, if there is a
discrepancy in earning, and abreadwinner and a caregiver, or
some combination of those, weneed to do some unpacking around
those dynamics and look at theunconscious bias and the ways in
which we are or we are not fullyparticipating and being a full

(24:13):
adult or not. And then numberfour, we get to really get into
each other's hearts in abeautiful way and begin to align
our spending and our investingwith what we truly value, which
ultimately, at the end of theday, comes back to love for most
people. Money gets to supportthe expansion of love in your

(24:36):
life. So talking money with yourhoney in a beautiful way is one
of the best foundationalprocesses you can do for that.
So that's what I've got for youtoday. If you're already in
Relaxed Money with your partner,you are in the right place, my
friend. I've got you. We'regonna do this together this
year. And if not, I hope thatthese four steps get you started

(25:01):
to talking money with your honeyin a beautiful way.
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(25:23):
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(25:47):
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