July 31, 2025 • 38 mins
In episode 235 of the Sober Vibes podcast, I share practical, compassionate advice for family and friends supporting a loved one in early sobriety and how to help loved ones with addiction to alcohol.
Learn what to expect as your person navigates recovery, how to set healthy boundaries, and five powerful tips to protect your well-being along the way.
Whether you're a partner, sibling, friend, or parent, this episode will help you feel less alone and more empowered in your support role.
What you will learn in this episode:
- What it means when someone quits drinking
- 5 everyday things to expect in early sobriety
- How to avoid taking their behavior personally
- Tips to support them without enabling
- Why your healing is just as important
5 Key Takeaways for Loved Ones:
- Educate yourself about alcohol use disorder
- Set clear, guilt-free boundaries
- Prioritize your emotional and mental well-being
- Let go of control support, don’t fix
- Celebrate progress, not perfection
Resources Mentioned:
PODCAST SPONSOR:
This episode is sponsored by Soberlink, a trusted accountability tool for anyone navigating early recovery. Whether you're rebuilding trust with loved ones or simply want more structure in your sobriety, Soberlink offers a discreet and empowering way to stay on track.
Sober Vibes listeners get $50 off their device!
Grab your discount here!
Hope this episode helps you today!
Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Courtney Andersen (00:31):
Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I'm your host and sober coach,courtney Anderson, and I'm also
your go-to guide with living alife without alcohol.
You are listening to episode235.
Thank you so much for tuning intoday.
If you're new here, welcome.
You're really going to have agreat time.
So today's episode, thisactually isn't for you.
(00:54):
If you are on a sober journeyor if you're trying to quit
drinking, this is for the lovedones.
I've wanted to do an episodeabout this for a long time and
over the years, my mom braintotally forgot about it.
Up until recently, I had aperson reach out and ask me some
questions and through the years, I've had loved ones reach out
(01:14):
and be like how do I handle this?
So, whether you are a spouse, apartner, a daughter, a mother,
a sister, a niece, a nephew,whoever you are and you have a
person who is suffering withaddiction alcoholism on that,
with alcoholism, there's adultalcohol use disorder.
(01:37):
So alcoholism is in on thatspectrum, because this is really
how this is talked aboutnowadays, because this is really
how this is talked aboutnowadays.
With everyone's kind of levelof drinking whether you're a
gray area drinker, you're abinge drinker, you're an
alcoholic.
There is an issue with alcoholbecause it's highly, highly,
highly, highly, highly addictive.
(01:57):
So you probably, too, with alot of people.
There is not a handbook okay,there is not really a handbook
out there to be like this is howyou deal with this person.
There's not a lot ofinformation.
Slash resources okay, yes,there is.
Al-anon is a great place tostart, especially, too, with the
(02:19):
episode I did a while back withMargie when we were talking
about adult children ofalcoholics.
That's another great resource.
But if you're a person who is,I don't really want to go and
work those programs great,there's just, there's not a
handbook out there to be likehow exactly do I deal with the
person?
If there is, please send it myway, because I would love to
(02:40):
promote that person who wrote it, and it's hard because people
don't know how to handle a lovedone.
So, again, this episode is foryou and you might have felt
helpless, angry, totally burnedout and completely overwhelmed.
I get it.
Okay, not only did I have aproblem with the sauce, I have
(03:03):
also been a person who has dealtwith family members with
addiction issues and friendswith addiction issues, and I
still have friends to this daywho have issues, and it's quite
sad, right.
I just want you to know, though, that you're not alone on this,
(03:24):
because this can feel verylonely for the loved ones.
I'm going to say this before Iget started I did poll my
audience and asking them whatyou would want to hear, and,
honestly, there was just onereoccurring theme, and I hope I
don't sound like a I don't wantto sound like a dick when it
(03:46):
comes to this.
There was one reoccurring theme,but some of the stuff I was
getting back, it's okay.
It was getting a littledefensive, and this is about our
loved ones.
This isn't about us, but theone recurring theme is of what a
lot of people were saying waslike, just be patient and don't
(04:07):
be in.
You can't judge.
I will get into that wholejudging thing and a little bit
Okay, because it can come offthat way, but this is, again,
more about about the loved onethan it is about, I'm just going
to say, the addict, the personwho has the issue, than it is
about.
I'm just going to say theaddict, the person who has the
issue, because it can get alittle rough there, and that's
(04:30):
what I was seeing in thecomments, and this is not about
us, this is about them.
Okay, so if someone you love isstruggling with alcohol, it's
okay.
If you don't know how to handleit, you weren't born into being
like, oh cool, I'm going to bethe mother of a daughter who has
, who is struggling with alcohol, or insert whatever drug choice
(04:52):
you want to with this episode,because it's still going to be
the same for pretty mucheverything.
Okay, this drinking problemjust doesn't affect the person
drinking.
It affects the entire worldaround them.
It shifts dynamics andrelationships, can create a lot
of chaos and it leaves the lovedones feeling like they're
(05:15):
walking on eggshells.
Okay, and one of the mostpainful things feeling like the
person you love is choosingalcohol over you.
I have said many times if you'vebeen a listener here, the best
apology is changed behavior.
Even if you're like, if you'relistening, because you're like
well, courtney, I want to hearyour ting, how this?
Even if you are listening andyou are like what's the point of
(05:38):
me getting sober?
The damage is done.
My kids are older and I willtell you this and I've said it
before If people were to havestopped drinking and there's
changed behavior, I really dothink that people can get over
it.
I would have liked that for asituation right.
So as long as you're showingchanged behavior and working on
(05:59):
it, I do believe.
I do believe in the heart ofthe human body, the human soul,
I should say, is thatforgiveness is really kind of at
the core of all of us.
Unless you're some type ofhateful prick, then just skip
over this whole podcast.
If you're a hateful prick, stoplistening.
(06:20):
So, so, change behavior is gold, okay, and so I know that
feeling of when somebody choosesbooze over you.
Okay, when someone is caught inthe cycle of drinking, it's not
about choosing alcohol overpeople or responsibilities or
love.
It's about compulsive shame,emotional pain and a lot of
(06:41):
trauma or whatever type ofemotional trauma or physical
trauma they've had in theirlives.
And even as a loved one, youthink that you want to dismiss
it and be like well, that didn'thappen.
Listen to me, at some point youhave to say to this as well,
especially with family units andif you're a mother or a father
and you have a child who has aproblem, or reverse, everybody
(07:05):
has their own truth, everybodyhas their own opinion and the
way they saw it, what they livedthrough.
So for a lot of people.
That's where it's hard andfrustrating for them, but you
have to remember that, okay.
So alcohol becomes the thingthey reach for to soothe or numb
(07:25):
all of that.
It's not personal, even thoughit feels super personal, because
at a point you have to realizethat, whoever that person in
there that you once loved andstill do that, they are clouded
man and that they are notthinking clearly.
(07:46):
And even though you know thatyou could think more clearly for
them and see what's best forthem, they have to get to that
point themselves.
But just know that that personyou love, yes, they are still in
there, but they are very, very,very clouded in their judgment.
Currently, addiction changespeople, and this is not to
(08:06):
excuse bad behavior.
I would never do that, becauseI do.
I'm a firm believer in takingaccountability.
I'm saying it so you can stopblaming yourself if you feel
like you were the problem.
Okay, you didn't cause this.
You can't cure it, but you canunderstand this better and you
(08:27):
can make choices that protectyour own peace while still
caring deeply.
A lot of my clients and peopleI help.
I often tell them to protecttheir energy okay, especially
from people that trigger them.
People play these things right.
And now you, as the loved one,you have to do that same thing
of protecting your energy.
So what to expect when theystart sobriety?
(08:51):
So let's say your loved one isgetting sober or thinking about
it, or maybe they've been on andoff for a while.
What can you expect?
And here are five things Iwanted to share with you.
Number one early sobriety isemotional AF.
It is going to.
It's a roller coaster.
Okay, people think quittingalcohol is just about not
(09:13):
drinking, and that is not thecase.
What really happens iseverything you've been numbing
comes to the surface.
It's almost like a pressurecooker.
Okay, that means the tears aregoing to come up.
Irritability, mood swings,anxiety.
Right, it can be a rollercoaster, as I said, and it's not
pretty, but this is normal.
This is normal.
(09:34):
I mean again that first year Icried every day.
Right, there was, I would lashout at poor Matthew.
It's not funny.
It's terrible that I stilllaugh at some of the things that
I say, but I can do that inalmost 13 years.
You know what I'm going tobring up.
One thing I said to him todayand see if he laughs, and I'll
(09:55):
get back to you guys next week.
This isn't funny, okay.
So if they say something to youearly on in those first couple
months, I need you to try to nottake it personally.
I know it's easier said thandone, but truly, truly, truly
true.
I remember when I think Kim wasin the beginning of her getting
(10:15):
sober Kim's my sister and sheone time told me she didn't
trust me.
I was like, bitch, what are youtalking about?
But I had to get over that andto not take it personal because
of where she was at.
And then I brought it up to herlater she was like well, I was
just mad at you for somethingand it's.
There's some immaturity stillin that.
(10:35):
Sobriety, because you have tothink, you have to understand
this is when a person is intheir active state of addiction.
It often is the maturity levelthat they started the act of, so
, let's say, drinking Okay.
(10:56):
So for me, very much of I wascaught in a 19-year-old's
maturity level at 29 when I quit, and it took me a long time to
realize that.
So you just sometimes rememberthat you are not dealing with a
30, 40, 50-year-old person.
You're dealing with this past,younger version and that
(11:16):
maturity level that's in thereof when they started drinking.
Number two, sobriety isn'tlinear.
Okay, I wish I could tell youthat once somebody decides to
quit drinking, that that's it,and it's just not the case
Statistically.
Statistically, with the numbers, people who are numbers people
(11:39):
it is 80% of people who enterthis.
When they try to quit the firsttime will relapse, they will
slip.
It will take them a coupleyears to do it.
I did it.
And there is a.
If you look up the percentagesrates of people getting out of
rehab because you could bepissed too of being like I spent
a lot of money on this persongoing to rehab the statistics
(12:02):
are low of people continuingtheir sobriety after that.
Same thing, for I'm sure thereis that I'm not going to tell
you.
Everybody I've coached hasstayed sober because I know that
they have it.
So that's the truth that noneof these things can provide you
with a 100% guarantee that thisperson is going to be sober once
(12:24):
they start this process for therest of their lives.
There's so much that comes intothis and a lot is what you have
to understand is society, howdrinking is viewed.
Look at your relationship,especially if you're a parent,
and I'm only going to bring uptwo things here.
Okay, you have to look, too, atbeing a loved one, even a
(12:50):
spouse.
Okay, because there's a lot ofspouses who enable each other
and are drinking partners.
You have to look of okay, whatdid I play?
What part did I play into this?
Did I enable this person, did Ibecome their drinking buddy?
Growing up?
How did they view alcohol?
How did I show alcohol to them?
(13:11):
That is what you have to.
That is the only thing I'mgoing to tell you to take
responsibility for, of like, howdid you show up in this process
with this person?
Okay, what role did you take?
Because it's not all again.
Yes, the person with theproblem.
(13:33):
Okay, there's a lot of.
They bring a lot to the table.
I don't want to necessarily sayit's their fault, but they have
a lot of accountability oftheir actions, of what they've
brought.
Okay, and again, though, thatthey are sick at this time, but,
on the other hand, it's again.
You have to be like what did Ido to keep enabling the
(13:53):
situation to where it iscurrently at, and in sobriety?
Why is it linear?
Again, there's slips, relapses,doubt starting over, but it
doesn't mean that they're notserious about getting sober.
Again, it goes back to being ahuman being.
And now, as I record this in2025, I mean the world is happy,
(14:15):
right.
And, as I said, you have to nowlook at how alcohol is
presented in the society.
It is everywhere.
It is everywhere.
You see it in the movies, youread about it in books.
I mean, I just got done a greatbook and I need to recommend it
to the sobriety circle, but Ihave to do a little pre-warning,
(14:36):
like there's drugs and alcoholin this, a little pre-warning
like there's drugs and alcoholin this.
I mean, it is everywhere andit's something especially with
alcohol that has been okayed.
And then it's all because it'sa very manipulative industry,
very gaslighting of just drinkresponsibly and then people get
pissed when you don't, because,again, it's a very, very highly
(14:59):
addictive substance that isaccepted worldwide and you need
to drink responsibly.
It doesn't work that wayanymore.
It never did, actually Neverdid.
And let me plug this one,because I do it in a lot of my
episodes, just because I wantthe loved ones to understand how
even though, if you were adrinker and, yes, you don't have
(15:21):
a problem I want you to see howalcohol is viewed in this world
.
So I want you to find on Amazon, it's on PBS and it is the
documentary Prohibition and justit's the explanation of alcohol
, how alcohol came in thiscountry, that people have been
having drinking issues from theget and how big alcohol was
(15:45):
formed.
Okay, so even if to look at howmarket, how alcohol is marketed
towards us, especially towardswomen, so they should really be
ashamed of themselves.
That's a different, that's adifferent episode.
Really be ashamed of themselves, that's a different episode.
For long-time listeners, theyknow my disgust with that
(16:10):
industry.
So just know it's not going tobe a straight line, it's not.
And if you have a person whereit is a straight line amazing,
amazing, number three they mightpull away.
Sometimes in early sobriety.
People need space.
Okay, they're trying to figureout who they are without alcohol
and that can feel really,really vulnerable.
And I'm going to tell you thatthat first year, those first
year, that first year inparticular, but you've got to
(16:31):
understand those first threemonths are very vulnerable and
it's even too.
It's just the sensitivity isgoing to come out because people
are not bottling their emotionsand they have to get their
nervous system leveled out andto whatever damage a person did
to their brain, it you, theyhave to, they have to come back
(16:51):
to the ground zero and levelthemselves out.
Okay, especially too, if peopleare taking medicine, you've got
to give them some time for thatmedicine to kick in to them now
.
Not drinking, it does not justtake a day, this takes a couple
months.
So just know that it's notrejection, it's just part of
their process.
And again, depending on yourguys' relationship, whoever you
(17:13):
played the role, whoever you arein the role of the person with
the problem, they might havecalled you every day and you
might have fed into that.
So when they get quiet, youcan't be like, well, they're not
calling me every day.
They are going through thisprocess and healing and healing
for anybody, no matter what itis, it doesn't just matter.
In recovery, healing, withhealing, you often go inward and
(17:36):
get quiet.
Hey, good people of the world,it's Courtney, and if you're in
your first year or your fifthyear of sobriety, let's be real.
Summers can be tough, like avery, very, very challenging.
It took me a couple summers tofinally feel comfortable.
There's something about warmweather, parties and poolside
(17:57):
drinks that can make it feellike everybody's drinking but
you.
But just because drinkingculture ramps up, especially
during this time, doesn't meanyour progress has to slow down.
That's where a tool likeSoberLink can help.
It's a high-tech breathalyzerthat helps people in recovery
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(18:18):
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(18:39):
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(18:59):
You can also check the link inthe show notes below, so just
remember that.
Number four.
They might start unpacking alot of heavy stuff.
Sobriety doesn't often.
It often cracks open some boltswhere you're going to probably
turn your head and be like, ohmy God, I did that, or whoa, did
not even know this.
(19:20):
You also, too, might hear a lotof apologies, confessions again
, stories you did not know about.
So just be ready for honesty,and especially, too, if in
sobriety, it is often where youwant to be honest and you have
to listen to that.
Also, if there has been a lotof trust thrown out the window,
(19:46):
it might even actually be goodfor you to go sit with a
therapist with that person inyou, if that person in you are
up for it.
That way it's in a safe place.
Okay, that's the best that Ican recommend for that.
So just know that when thisstuff starts coming up again,
(20:07):
it's a sign of healing andthere's going to be some things
you don't want to hear, and I'msure vice versa with that person
too.
But it's just one of thosethings that it is something that
needs to be talked about andyou cannot continue to sweep
things under the mat.
Number five your supportmatters, but it's not everything
.
You can be loving andencouraging, but you can't do
(20:31):
the work for them.
You cannot.
They have to want it and theyhave to work it.
Your job isn't to save them,it's to support.
It is not to save them.
And I think that that's for alot of people, because I'm going
to throw out another good onethat I love.
If you have not read the bookCodependent no More, please read
(20:51):
it, because if you've been kindof enmeshed with that person
and through their sobriety andtheir recovery and all the
relapses, whatever happens, itis very easy to then get to that
point where it's like you wantit more than them.
And that book, codependent nomore helped me, because I was
(21:13):
like that with my sister,especially in those first couple
of years and well, let me saythat before, I should say, the
first couple of years of mysobriety, and it didn't take
until she got pulled over andarrested on that third one where
it was just like, dude, I can'tlike want this for you more
than you want it for yourself.
(21:33):
So just know that book R, missMelody Beattie, is amazing.
So now that we've talked aboutwhat to expect from them, let's
talk about how you can care foryourself through this.
Okay, five tips I've seen helpthe people who love somebody
struggling with alcohol.
(21:54):
So again, take what you wantfrom this episode and leave the
rest.
And if you're liking thisepisode, please drop into my DMs
and let me know.
Number one you need to learnabout alcohol use disorder.
The more you understandaddiction, the less power, shame
and confusion that it has right, read the books, listen to some
(22:15):
podcasts, ask questions whenyou learn what's actually going
on in the brain and the body.
It helps you move from why arethey doing this to this isn't
about me at all, and that's whyI threw out that documentary of
understanding how alcohol hascame into this world and how it
has been perceived, and thatit's actually been doing damage
(22:37):
to families and loved ones forhundreds of years.
And if you have a loved one whois alcohol use disorder on that
spectrum, right, you should bepissed at these alcohol
companies too.
You really should.
And how it's been marketed.
It's disgusting.
So set boundaries without guilt.
(22:58):
Boundaries are not aboutcontrol, they're about clarity.
Set boundaries, find peace.
All of these books I will linkin the show notes below.
But these books that one is agreat one too, and the author's
name is Nedra, I think NedraGlover.
I hope I'm not botching that,but I believe she's a Michigan
(23:19):
girly, a Detroit girly too.
So I will link the books in theshow notes below.
Okay, so the boundaries areabout clarity.
Maybe you don't want alcohol inthe house, great.
Maybe you don't want to go toevents where a loved one will be
drinking.
Maybe you just need to say Ican't keep having the same
conversation with you.
That's okay.
Boundaries are loving.
(23:40):
They protect both of you.
I've had to put boundaries inplace when I got sober.
Obviously, it is one where Ithen would only I would call a
person in the morning time whenI knew they weren't in the
drinking hours of, like happyhour.
I would then start going tobreakfast or lunch with people
and not dinner.
Okay, same that you can do thesame thing for yourself.
(24:03):
It's like you have to write out, like how do you want this
relationship to work, especially, especially especially, if this
person keeps drinking?
We're going to say this and Isaid this in the Q&A episode I
did last week If you were in amarriage where this person keeps
drinking, you now have to startthinking about what that's
going to look like you leaving,unless you want to sit there and
(24:27):
continuing to do this.
At some point you have to thinklike what is best for you and
if there's kids involved, okayand I didn't say this in last
week's episode and I should havebut obviously make sure that
you have a plan if you are goingto leave that person, but at
what point?
And I say this to anybody.
It's like who wants to stickaround for that?
Who wants to be married, intothat if you're not happy.
(24:48):
So you should continuously giveup your happiness just in hopes
that this person changes Atsome point.
Yes, I know I said to you thatsobriety isn't linear, but I'm
talking to the loved ones.
At some point you have to makea difficult decision for you
(25:08):
Whether you're going to staymarried, whether you're going to
keep supporting, like if you'regiving somebody money, like I
mean this.
There's a lot of layers to this, but you have to decide when is
enough enough for you.
Okay, and maybe that is toolike, I don't know, I'm just
giving some, I'm just throwingit out there.
Maybe you're just supporting achild financially and that's all
(25:32):
you're willing to do anymore.
But you're no, it's just I'm Ican't take your 2 am phone calls
.
You're no, it's just, I can'ttake your 2 am phone calls.
I will set you up.
You live like this and that'sall I can give, and that's fine
if that boundary works for you.
So get that book.
I will link it in the shownotes.
So, setting boundaries withoutguilt Sweet, Melanie Beattie
(25:53):
says it.
And codependent no more whereit's detached with love.
Codependent no more.
We're detached with love andyou can still love a person, but
just detach from the chaos thathas been created and projected
onto you, because you're goingto have your own PTSD from that
ma'am.
You're going to have your ownanxieties.
Adult, children of alcoholics.
(26:14):
There's a long list of what theF is wrong with us.
Right, there is a long listAnxiety disorders, depression,
the overachiever or the highachievers, anxiety, all of it.
Number three you need to takecare of yourself.
So you cannot pour from anempty cup.
(26:35):
You just can't.
So, whether it's again therapy,you go to a support group, like
I said, al-anon right,journaling time with friends, or
just if you are a person wholikes alone time, feel free to
do that.
Maybe you just need to say tohow long.
In your journaling especially,it's just what does this
relationship now going to looklike with this person?
(26:57):
So living or loving someone whodrinks problematically again
can be traumatic.
I said, that's why I said aboutthe PTSD.
So you're allowed to rest andrestore when it comes to that.
Four, don't try to controltheir sobriety.
You can't, you cannot, youcan't nag someone into recovery.
(27:17):
You really truly can't nagsomeone into recovery.
You really truly can't.
Now I will say that for somepeople, ultimatums work.
For me when Matthew said to me,it was like you can still keep
drinking, he's like I'm just notgoing to be around for this.
That was that moment where andI was missing my cat because I
(27:39):
lost her like a dirt bag.
I lost her for the second time,which she's still around today.
She's actually around my footright now playing with the cord,
and that worked for me and I'mgoing to tell you why that
worked for me and some people do.
I remember Robert Downey Jr hadthe same like kind of his, his
I think it was his wife at thetime or maybe girlfriend, but
(28:02):
she said to him too, she gavehim one and he said it too.
He was like that's what Ineeded.
When that happened and I didchoose to finally be done and
surrender with it all.
I needed that, with Matthew andFiona, to get to a place within
a couple months of starting tobe able to love myself and
(28:23):
realize I was now doing sobrietyfor myself.
So sometimes for people, thatultimatum is helpful and that's
what going back to if you'remarried, sometimes, people, when
you keep saying, if you don'tdo this, I'm going to leave,
you're just going to have toleave at some point right,
because I guarantee you thatperson's not probably did not
(28:44):
take you serious and that couldbe the start of a change.
But I don't want you to hold onto that right Because still,
you got to do with what's bestfor you and what you're willing
to continue to put up with,right?
So maybe detaching with love,too, is leaving and setting up
(29:05):
boundaries, but again, youcannot control their sobriety,
and that's where codependent nomore comes in.
You cannot control others.
All you have to do is controlyourself, okay.
So when it comes to this, youjust have to ask the person how
they want to be supported,respect their process and again,
let go of the need to controlit all the time.
(29:26):
Number five celebrate progress,not just perfection.
So sobriety is built really oneday at a time, especially very
early on.
If your person is tryingacknowledge that.
Celebrate the courage it takesto even want to change.
It doesn't have to be perfector meaningful.
Trust me, small wins add up,even if it's just like a texting
(29:49):
of you're doing a good job orI'm proud of you.
There's this.
I'm like getting choked upabout this because there's this
girl Actually, kate was on thepodcast and she brought it up
where she was, like her parentswill send her flowers now on her
sober birthday and early onthose first couple of years I
(30:13):
would meet my dad, actually forbreakfast on my sober birthday.
Sorry, I didn't expect to getchoked up, but currently my dad
is going through a cancer battle, so this makes me emotional
because of that.
And just having parentsacknowledge the hard work you
(30:33):
put in or friends doing the samething, it really does mean the
world for the person who isrecovering and going
alcohol-free.
So even just a little text likeI'm proud of you, good job, and
that text or that phone callcould really just help somebody
(30:55):
in those early days.
Again, this isn't easy for meto talk about because I feel for
both sides and that's where I'mjust trying to stay on the
point with this and not getsuper emotional.
But I know from sides of theparents who are really proud of
(31:15):
their kids, and then I also tooknow from sides of parents whose
children didn't make it and itis heartbreaking and very, very
sad because, as much as I dothink that everybody can change,
sometimes they can't and that'sa reality that loved ones have
(31:40):
to have it sink in and that's areality that loved ones have to
have it sink in and I hope thatdoesn't sound very harsh.
But that is just going back tothe reality of addiction is,
some people do not make it andthey choose going left instead
of going right, and it's veryhard to see.
(32:00):
And now, as a parent too, it'sjust.
I can't imagine if I had to gothrough that with the dictator.
So celebrate, ask them whatthey need, especially to, let's
just say, with friends this canall apply to friendships too.
I want to say, with the friendsthing and even to family thing.
Even if there's going to bealcohol there, I still want you
(32:23):
to invite the loved one ifthey're in sobriety, and let
them give you the option of, hey, I'm going to pass.
Let them don't assume anything,let them answer for you.
Expect two people in earlysobriety to cancel on your ass.
And it just comes from.
(32:46):
It comes from experience andanxiety, especially those first
couple months up into that firstyear.
It's just sometimes people, allthey have to give that day is
just make it through another daysober.
So that's what I wanted to addin.
But, like I said from thepeople who I polled, it was just
(33:08):
don't be judgmental.
And this is what I'm going tosay from that.
Like I said at the get, you'vegot to come from as the loved
one approach it from a lovingsituation.
That's because they're probablyused to how you've been
approaching it before and youmight not notice, but it
(33:30):
probably does sound harsherbecause you have to remember too
, especially in those firstcouple months, how sensitive
anybody who gets sober is andit's a little bit of a progress
or a process.
So just know that.
So invite the person.
If they decline, don't be madabout it, no problem, follow it
(33:52):
up with.
If you ever want to go get acoffee anytime, you let me know.
You kind of got to meet themwith where they're at in those
first couple months and theywill meet you back.
But for you it's important foryou to take care of yourself and
just learn about this.
Learn about it so you canunderstand it more and then
(34:12):
figure out what yourrelationship's going to look
with that person if they stillcontinue to use.
Because at some point I thinkit is in Al-Anon too where it's
like, at some point you have tostop being the doormat.
I think there's a quote,there's like a doormat quote in
Al-Anon and it's good for you togo and figure out those support
(34:32):
groups and or if therapy, ifyou need to do therapy on how to
help yourself, because that'snumber one priority, because a
lot of loved ones losethemselves in being married to
an alcoholic, being a parent ofone same thing with a friend.
There's a lot of hurt there.
(34:53):
Also, too, don't expect withinthat first month when they got
sober that everything is goingto be accounted for.
That's going to be quite aprocess as well of the apologies
.
I made my apologies my soberbirthday and I made it to the
(35:16):
people I needed to make it toduring that time in my life who
I know I really hurt and I didthat and I was very emotional.
It was hard for me to get someof it out, but I got it out and
it was freeing.
So, and a lot of people that Icoach I say the same thing it's
don't just start apologizingbecause you feel like you need
to.
When it comes to apologiesespecially when you've done
somebody wrong like it's got tobe heartfelt, right, and it's
(35:38):
got to be when you're ready andyou truly mean it.
So just know that that mighttake some time for you to get a
recognition and an apology, butI think that's about it.
So I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
Again, from the loved one'spoint of view, you didn't cause
(35:59):
this right, and it's okay tofeel angry and exhausted and sad
all at once.
You have to go through your owngrieving process as well.
So loving someone with analcohol problem is truly, truly
complicated.
So there's grief and hope andconfusion and pain all wrapped
into one, which some days it'sjust hard to process.
(36:19):
That okay.
But again, healing is possiblefor anybody and it's possible
for them and it's possible foryou.
So check out the books, thelinks in the show notes.
I will put them in and if thisepisode spoke to you, please
feel free to share it or send mea DM on Instagram or email me
(36:41):
back and let me know.
So I hope, I hope and I sendyou good vibes.
I truly mean this because Iknow what it's like.
I know what it's like to lovesomebody who has an alcohol
problem and a crack problem, andit's hard, it is very hard.
And then I was a person withthat problem Not the crack
(37:03):
problem, the alcohol problem andagain I just if you listen to
LOT, you know that sometimes wejoke about my sister's crack
problem.
That's why I was laughing.
So I get it.
I get it, I get it and I reallydo think that anybody I would
like to stay in that of thepositive, of that your loved one
(37:24):
will stop and that's how youcan support a person in sobriety
and also to take care ofyourself, because that is number
one.
All right, thank you so muchfor listening.
I would love again to hear yourfeedback, so send me a DM on
Instagram.
If you haven't yet, please rate, review and subscribe to the
show.
And yeah, you keep on truckingand stay safe out there.
(37:48):
Thank you.
Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I'm your host and sober coach,courtney Anderson, and I'm also
your go-to guide with living alife without alcohol.
You are listening to episode235.
Thank you so much for tuning intoday.
If you're new here, welcome.
You're really going to have agreat time.
So today's episode, thisactually isn't for you.
(00:54):
If you are on a sober journeyor if you're trying to quit
drinking, this is for the lovedones.
I've wanted to do an episodeabout this for a long time and
over the years, my mom braintotally forgot about it.
Up until recently, I had aperson reach out and ask me some
questions and through the years, I've had loved ones reach out
(01:14):
and be like how do I handle this?
So, whether you are a spouse, apartner, a daughter, a mother,
a sister, a niece, a nephew,whoever you are and you have a
person who is suffering withaddiction alcoholism on that,
with alcoholism, there's adultalcohol use disorder.
(01:37):
So alcoholism is in on thatspectrum, because this is really
how this is talked aboutnowadays, because this is really
how this is talked aboutnowadays.
With everyone's kind of levelof drinking whether you're a
gray area drinker, you're abinge drinker, you're an
alcoholic.
There is an issue with alcoholbecause it's highly, highly,
highly, highly, highly addictive.
(01:57):
So you probably, too, with alot of people.
There is not a handbook okay,there is not really a handbook
out there to be like this is howyou deal with this person.
There's not a lot ofinformation.
Slash resources okay, yes,there is.
Al-anon is a great place tostart, especially, too, with the
(02:19):
episode I did a while back withMargie when we were talking
about adult children ofalcoholics.
That's another great resource.
But if you're a person who is,I don't really want to go and
work those programs great,there's just, there's not a
handbook out there to be likehow exactly do I deal with the
person?
If there is, please send it myway, because I would love to
(02:40):
promote that person who wrote it, and it's hard because people
don't know how to handle a lovedone.
So, again, this episode is foryou and you might have felt
helpless, angry, totally burnedout and completely overwhelmed.
I get it.
Okay, not only did I have aproblem with the sauce, I have
(03:03):
also been a person who has dealtwith family members with
addiction issues and friendswith addiction issues, and I
still have friends to this daywho have issues, and it's quite
sad, right.
I just want you to know, though, that you're not alone on this,
(03:24):
because this can feel verylonely for the loved ones.
I'm going to say this before Iget started I did poll my
audience and asking them whatyou would want to hear, and,
honestly, there was just onereoccurring theme, and I hope I
don't sound like a I don't wantto sound like a dick when it
(03:46):
comes to this.
There was one reoccurring theme,but some of the stuff I was
getting back, it's okay.
It was getting a littledefensive, and this is about our
loved ones.
This isn't about us, but theone recurring theme is of what a
lot of people were saying waslike, just be patient and don't
(04:07):
be in.
You can't judge.
I will get into that wholejudging thing and a little bit
Okay, because it can come offthat way, but this is, again,
more about about the loved onethan it is about, I'm just going
to say, the addict, the personwho has the issue, than it is
about.
I'm just going to say theaddict, the person who has the
issue, because it can get alittle rough there, and that's
(04:30):
what I was seeing in thecomments, and this is not about
us, this is about them.
Okay, so if someone you love isstruggling with alcohol, it's
okay.
If you don't know how to handleit, you weren't born into being
like, oh cool, I'm going to bethe mother of a daughter who has
, who is struggling with alcohol, or insert whatever drug choice
(04:52):
you want to with this episode,because it's still going to be
the same for pretty mucheverything.
Okay, this drinking problemjust doesn't affect the person
drinking.
It affects the entire worldaround them.
It shifts dynamics andrelationships, can create a lot
of chaos and it leaves the lovedones feeling like they're
(05:15):
walking on eggshells.
Okay, and one of the mostpainful things feeling like the
person you love is choosingalcohol over you.
I have said many times if you'vebeen a listener here, the best
apology is changed behavior.
Even if you're like, if you'relistening, because you're like
well, courtney, I want to hearyour ting, how this?
Even if you are listening andyou are like what's the point of
(05:38):
me getting sober?
The damage is done.
My kids are older and I willtell you this and I've said it
before If people were to havestopped drinking and there's
changed behavior, I really dothink that people can get over
it.
I would have liked that for asituation right.
So as long as you're showingchanged behavior and working on
(05:59):
it, I do believe.
I do believe in the heart ofthe human body, the human soul,
I should say, is thatforgiveness is really kind of at
the core of all of us.
Unless you're some type ofhateful prick, then just skip
over this whole podcast.
If you're a hateful prick, stoplistening.
(06:20):
So, so, change behavior is gold, okay, and so I know that
feeling of when somebody choosesbooze over you.
Okay, when someone is caught inthe cycle of drinking, it's not
about choosing alcohol overpeople or responsibilities or
love.
It's about compulsive shame,emotional pain and a lot of
(06:41):
trauma or whatever type ofemotional trauma or physical
trauma they've had in theirlives.
And even as a loved one, youthink that you want to dismiss
it and be like well, that didn'thappen.
Listen to me, at some point youhave to say to this as well,
especially with family units andif you're a mother or a father
and you have a child who has aproblem, or reverse, everybody
(07:05):
has their own truth, everybodyhas their own opinion and the
way they saw it, what they livedthrough.
So for a lot of people.
That's where it's hard andfrustrating for them, but you
have to remember that, okay.
So alcohol becomes the thingthey reach for to soothe or numb
(07:25):
all of that.
It's not personal, even thoughit feels super personal, because
at a point you have to realizethat, whoever that person in
there that you once loved andstill do that, they are clouded
man and that they are notthinking clearly.
(07:46):
And even though you know thatyou could think more clearly for
them and see what's best forthem, they have to get to that
point themselves.
But just know that that personyou love, yes, they are still in
there, but they are very, very,very clouded in their judgment.
Currently, addiction changespeople, and this is not to
(08:06):
excuse bad behavior.
I would never do that, becauseI do.
I'm a firm believer in takingaccountability.
I'm saying it so you can stopblaming yourself if you feel
like you were the problem.
Okay, you didn't cause this.
You can't cure it, but you canunderstand this better and you
(08:27):
can make choices that protectyour own peace while still
caring deeply.
A lot of my clients and peopleI help.
I often tell them to protecttheir energy okay, especially
from people that trigger them.
People play these things right.
And now you, as the loved one,you have to do that same thing
of protecting your energy.
So what to expect when theystart sobriety?
(08:51):
So let's say your loved one isgetting sober or thinking about
it, or maybe they've been on andoff for a while.
What can you expect?
And here are five things Iwanted to share with you.
Number one early sobriety isemotional AF.
It is going to.
It's a roller coaster.
Okay, people think quittingalcohol is just about not
(09:13):
drinking, and that is not thecase.
What really happens iseverything you've been numbing
comes to the surface.
It's almost like a pressurecooker.
Okay, that means the tears aregoing to come up.
Irritability, mood swings,anxiety.
Right, it can be a rollercoaster, as I said, and it's not
pretty, but this is normal.
This is normal.
(09:34):
I mean again that first year Icried every day.
Right, there was, I would lashout at poor Matthew.
It's not funny.
It's terrible that I stilllaugh at some of the things that
I say, but I can do that inalmost 13 years.
You know what I'm going tobring up.
One thing I said to him todayand see if he laughs, and I'll
(09:55):
get back to you guys next week.
This isn't funny, okay.
So if they say something to youearly on in those first couple
months, I need you to try to nottake it personally.
I know it's easier said thandone, but truly, truly, truly
true.
I remember when I think Kim wasin the beginning of her getting
(10:15):
sober Kim's my sister and sheone time told me she didn't
trust me.
I was like, bitch, what are youtalking about?
But I had to get over that andto not take it personal because
of where she was at.
And then I brought it up to herlater she was like well, I was
just mad at you for somethingand it's.
There's some immaturity stillin that.
(10:35):
Sobriety, because you have tothink, you have to understand
this is when a person is intheir active state of addiction.
It often is the maturity levelthat they started the act of, so
, let's say, drinking Okay.
(10:56):
So for me, very much of I wascaught in a 19-year-old's
maturity level at 29 when I quit, and it took me a long time to
realize that.
So you just sometimes rememberthat you are not dealing with a
30, 40, 50-year-old person.
You're dealing with this past,younger version and that
(11:16):
maturity level that's in thereof when they started drinking.
Number two, sobriety isn'tlinear.
Okay, I wish I could tell youthat once somebody decides to
quit drinking, that that's it,and it's just not the case
Statistically.
Statistically, with the numbers, people who are numbers people
(11:39):
it is 80% of people who enterthis.
When they try to quit the firsttime will relapse, they will
slip.
It will take them a coupleyears to do it.
I did it.
And there is a.
If you look up the percentagesrates of people getting out of
rehab because you could bepissed too of being like I spent
a lot of money on this persongoing to rehab the statistics
(12:02):
are low of people continuingtheir sobriety after that.
Same thing, for I'm sure thereis that I'm not going to tell
you.
Everybody I've coached hasstayed sober because I know that
they have it.
So that's the truth that noneof these things can provide you
with a 100% guarantee that thisperson is going to be sober once
(12:24):
they start this process for therest of their lives.
There's so much that comes intothis and a lot is what you have
to understand is society, howdrinking is viewed.
Look at your relationship,especially if you're a parent,
and I'm only going to bring uptwo things here.
Okay, you have to look, too, atbeing a loved one, even a
(12:50):
spouse.
Okay, because there's a lot ofspouses who enable each other
and are drinking partners.
You have to look of okay, whatdid I play?
What part did I play into this?
Did I enable this person, did Ibecome their drinking buddy?
Growing up?
How did they view alcohol?
How did I show alcohol to them?
(13:11):
That is what you have to.
That is the only thing I'mgoing to tell you to take
responsibility for, of like, howdid you show up in this process
with this person?
Okay, what role did you take?
Because it's not all again.
Yes, the person with theproblem.
(13:33):
Okay, there's a lot of.
They bring a lot to the table.
I don't want to necessarily sayit's their fault, but they have
a lot of accountability oftheir actions, of what they've
brought.
Okay, and again, though, thatthey are sick at this time, but,
on the other hand, it's again.
You have to be like what did Ido to keep enabling the
(13:53):
situation to where it iscurrently at, and in sobriety?
Why is it linear?
Again, there's slips, relapses,doubt starting over, but it
doesn't mean that they're notserious about getting sober.
Again, it goes back to being ahuman being.
And now, as I record this in2025, I mean the world is happy,
(14:15):
right.
And, as I said, you have to nowlook at how alcohol is
presented in the society.
It is everywhere.
It is everywhere.
You see it in the movies, youread about it in books.
I mean, I just got done a greatbook and I need to recommend it
to the sobriety circle, but Ihave to do a little pre-warning,
(14:36):
like there's drugs and alcoholin this, a little pre-warning
like there's drugs and alcoholin this.
I mean, it is everywhere andit's something especially with
alcohol that has been okayed.
And then it's all because it'sa very manipulative industry,
very gaslighting of just drinkresponsibly and then people get
pissed when you don't, because,again, it's a very, very highly
(14:59):
addictive substance that isaccepted worldwide and you need
to drink responsibly.
It doesn't work that wayanymore.
It never did, actually Neverdid.
And let me plug this one,because I do it in a lot of my
episodes, just because I wantthe loved ones to understand how
even though, if you were adrinker and, yes, you don't have
(15:21):
a problem I want you to see howalcohol is viewed in this world
.
So I want you to find on Amazon, it's on PBS and it is the
documentary Prohibition and justit's the explanation of alcohol
, how alcohol came in thiscountry, that people have been
having drinking issues from theget and how big alcohol was
(15:45):
formed.
Okay, so even if to look at howmarket, how alcohol is marketed
towards us, especially towardswomen, so they should really be
ashamed of themselves.
That's a different, that's adifferent episode.
Really be ashamed of themselves, that's a different episode.
For long-time listeners, theyknow my disgust with that
(16:10):
industry.
So just know it's not going tobe a straight line, it's not.
And if you have a person whereit is a straight line amazing,
amazing, number three they mightpull away.
Sometimes in early sobriety.
People need space.
Okay, they're trying to figureout who they are without alcohol
and that can feel really,really vulnerable.
And I'm going to tell you thatthat first year, those first
year, that first year inparticular, but you've got to
(16:31):
understand those first threemonths are very vulnerable and
it's even too.
It's just the sensitivity isgoing to come out because people
are not bottling their emotionsand they have to get their
nervous system leveled out andto whatever damage a person did
to their brain, it you, theyhave to, they have to come back
(16:51):
to the ground zero and levelthemselves out.
Okay, especially too, if peopleare taking medicine, you've got
to give them some time for thatmedicine to kick in to them now
.
Not drinking, it does not justtake a day, this takes a couple
months.
So just know that it's notrejection, it's just part of
their process.
And again, depending on yourguys' relationship, whoever you
(17:13):
played the role, whoever you arein the role of the person with
the problem, they might havecalled you every day and you
might have fed into that.
So when they get quiet, youcan't be like, well, they're not
calling me every day.
They are going through thisprocess and healing and healing
for anybody, no matter what itis, it doesn't just matter.
In recovery, healing, withhealing, you often go inward and
(17:36):
get quiet.
Hey, good people of the world,it's Courtney, and if you're in
your first year or your fifthyear of sobriety, let's be real.
Summers can be tough, like avery, very, very challenging.
It took me a couple summers tofinally feel comfortable.
There's something about warmweather, parties and poolside
(17:57):
drinks that can make it feellike everybody's drinking but
you.
But just because drinkingculture ramps up, especially
during this time, doesn't meanyour progress has to slow down.
That's where a tool likeSoberLink can help.
It's a high-tech breathalyzerthat helps people in recovery
stay accountable, not throughshame, but through structure,
scheduled, daily tests.
(18:18):
Let you share instant, verifiedresults with the people who
support you, so you don't haveto do it alone, worried someone
might question your results.
They can't, because Soberlinkuses facial recognition and
tamper detection, so there's noway to cheat it.
Whether you're rebuilding trustor you just want that extra
(18:39):
layer of support this summer,soberlink is here to help you
stay the course of your journey.
I've witnessed people benefitfrom Soberlink and I want you to
be the next.
Visit wwwsoberlinkcom.
Forward slash sober-vibes tosign up and receive 50% off your
device today.
(18:59):
You can also check the link inthe show notes below, so just
remember that.
Number four.
They might start unpacking alot of heavy stuff.
Sobriety doesn't often.
It often cracks open some boltswhere you're going to probably
turn your head and be like, ohmy God, I did that, or whoa, did
not even know this.
(19:20):
You also, too, might hear a lotof apologies, confessions again
, stories you did not know about.
So just be ready for honesty,and especially, too, if in
sobriety, it is often where youwant to be honest and you have
to listen to that.
Also, if there has been a lotof trust thrown out the window,
(19:46):
it might even actually be goodfor you to go sit with a
therapist with that person inyou, if that person in you are
up for it.
That way it's in a safe place.
Okay, that's the best that Ican recommend for that.
So just know that when thisstuff starts coming up again,
(20:07):
it's a sign of healing andthere's going to be some things
you don't want to hear, and I'msure vice versa with that person
too.
But it's just one of thosethings that it is something that
needs to be talked about andyou cannot continue to sweep
things under the mat.
Number five your supportmatters, but it's not everything
.
You can be loving andencouraging, but you can't do
(20:31):
the work for them.
You cannot.
They have to want it and theyhave to work it.
Your job isn't to save them,it's to support.
It is not to save them.
And I think that that's for alot of people, because I'm going
to throw out another good onethat I love.
If you have not read the bookCodependent no More, please read
(20:51):
it, because if you've been kindof enmeshed with that person
and through their sobriety andtheir recovery and all the
relapses, whatever happens, itis very easy to then get to that
point where it's like you wantit more than them.
And that book, codependent nomore helped me, because I was
(21:13):
like that with my sister,especially in those first couple
of years and well, let me saythat before, I should say, the
first couple of years of mysobriety, and it didn't take
until she got pulled over andarrested on that third one where
it was just like, dude, I can'tlike want this for you more
than you want it for yourself.
(21:33):
So just know that book R, missMelody Beattie, is amazing.
So now that we've talked aboutwhat to expect from them, let's
talk about how you can care foryourself through this.
Okay, five tips I've seen helpthe people who love somebody
struggling with alcohol.
(21:54):
So again, take what you wantfrom this episode and leave the
rest.
And if you're liking thisepisode, please drop into my DMs
and let me know.
Number one you need to learnabout alcohol use disorder.
The more you understandaddiction, the less power, shame
and confusion that it has right, read the books, listen to some
(22:15):
podcasts, ask questions whenyou learn what's actually going
on in the brain and the body.
It helps you move from why arethey doing this to this isn't
about me at all, and that's whyI threw out that documentary of
understanding how alcohol hascame into this world and how it
has been perceived, and thatit's actually been doing damage
(22:37):
to families and loved ones forhundreds of years.
And if you have a loved one whois alcohol use disorder on that
spectrum, right, you should bepissed at these alcohol
companies too.
You really should.
And how it's been marketed.
It's disgusting.
So set boundaries without guilt.
(22:58):
Boundaries are not aboutcontrol, they're about clarity.
Set boundaries, find peace.
All of these books I will linkin the show notes below.
But these books that one is agreat one too, and the author's
name is Nedra, I think NedraGlover.
I hope I'm not botching that,but I believe she's a Michigan
(23:19):
girly, a Detroit girly too.
So I will link the books in theshow notes below.
Okay, so the boundaries areabout clarity.
Maybe you don't want alcohol inthe house, great.
Maybe you don't want to go toevents where a loved one will be
drinking.
Maybe you just need to say Ican't keep having the same
conversation with you.
That's okay.
Boundaries are loving.
(23:40):
They protect both of you.
I've had to put boundaries inplace when I got sober.
Obviously, it is one where Ithen would only I would call a
person in the morning time whenI knew they weren't in the
drinking hours of, like happyhour.
I would then start going tobreakfast or lunch with people
and not dinner.
Okay, same that you can do thesame thing for yourself.
(24:03):
It's like you have to write out, like how do you want this
relationship to work, especially, especially especially, if this
person keeps drinking?
We're going to say this and Isaid this in the Q&A episode I
did last week If you were in amarriage where this person keeps
drinking, you now have to startthinking about what that's
going to look like you leaving,unless you want to sit there and
(24:27):
continuing to do this.
At some point you have to thinklike what is best for you and
if there's kids involved, okayand I didn't say this in last
week's episode and I should havebut obviously make sure that
you have a plan if you are goingto leave that person, but at
what point?
And I say this to anybody.
It's like who wants to stickaround for that?
Who wants to be married, intothat if you're not happy.
(24:48):
So you should continuously giveup your happiness just in hopes
that this person changes Atsome point.
Yes, I know I said to you thatsobriety isn't linear, but I'm
talking to the loved ones.
At some point you have to makea difficult decision for you
(25:08):
Whether you're going to staymarried, whether you're going to
keep supporting, like if you'regiving somebody money, like I
mean this.
There's a lot of layers to this, but you have to decide when is
enough enough for you.
Okay, and maybe that is toolike, I don't know, I'm just
giving some, I'm just throwingit out there.
Maybe you're just supporting achild financially and that's all
(25:32):
you're willing to do anymore.
But you're no, it's just I'm Ican't take your 2 am phone calls
.
You're no, it's just, I can'ttake your 2 am phone calls.
I will set you up.
You live like this and that'sall I can give, and that's fine
if that boundary works for you.
So get that book.
I will link it in the shownotes.
So, setting boundaries withoutguilt Sweet, Melanie Beattie
(25:53):
says it.
And codependent no more whereit's detached with love.
Codependent no more.
We're detached with love andyou can still love a person, but
just detach from the chaos thathas been created and projected
onto you, because you're goingto have your own PTSD from that
ma'am.
You're going to have your ownanxieties.
Adult, children of alcoholics.
(26:14):
There's a long list of what theF is wrong with us.
Right, there is a long listAnxiety disorders, depression,
the overachiever or the highachievers, anxiety, all of it.
Number three you need to takecare of yourself.
So you cannot pour from anempty cup.
(26:35):
You just can't.
So, whether it's again therapy,you go to a support group, like
I said, al-anon right,journaling time with friends, or
just if you are a person wholikes alone time, feel free to
do that.
Maybe you just need to say tohow long.
In your journaling especially,it's just what does this
relationship now going to looklike with this person?
(26:57):
So living or loving someone whodrinks problematically again
can be traumatic.
I said, that's why I said aboutthe PTSD.
So you're allowed to rest andrestore when it comes to that.
Four, don't try to controltheir sobriety.
You can't, you cannot, youcan't nag someone into recovery.
(27:17):
You really truly can't nagsomeone into recovery.
You really truly can't.
Now I will say that for somepeople, ultimatums work.
For me when Matthew said to me,it was like you can still keep
drinking, he's like I'm just notgoing to be around for this.
That was that moment where andI was missing my cat because I
(27:39):
lost her like a dirt bag.
I lost her for the second time,which she's still around today.
She's actually around my footright now playing with the cord,
and that worked for me and I'mgoing to tell you why that
worked for me and some people do.
I remember Robert Downey Jr hadthe same like kind of his, his
I think it was his wife at thetime or maybe girlfriend, but
(28:02):
she said to him too, she gavehim one and he said it too.
He was like that's what Ineeded.
When that happened and I didchoose to finally be done and
surrender with it all.
I needed that, with Matthew andFiona, to get to a place within
a couple months of starting tobe able to love myself and
(28:23):
realize I was now doing sobrietyfor myself.
So sometimes for people, thatultimatum is helpful and that's
what going back to if you'remarried, sometimes, people, when
you keep saying, if you don'tdo this, I'm going to leave,
you're just going to have toleave at some point right,
because I guarantee you thatperson's not probably did not
(28:44):
take you serious and that couldbe the start of a change.
But I don't want you to hold onto that right Because still,
you got to do with what's bestfor you and what you're willing
to continue to put up with,right?
So maybe detaching with love,too, is leaving and setting up
(29:05):
boundaries, but again, youcannot control their sobriety,
and that's where codependent nomore comes in.
You cannot control others.
All you have to do is controlyourself, okay.
So when it comes to this, youjust have to ask the person how
they want to be supported,respect their process and again,
let go of the need to controlit all the time.
(29:26):
Number five celebrate progress,not just perfection.
So sobriety is built really oneday at a time, especially very
early on.
If your person is tryingacknowledge that.
Celebrate the courage it takesto even want to change.
It doesn't have to be perfector meaningful.
Trust me, small wins add up,even if it's just like a texting
(29:49):
of you're doing a good job orI'm proud of you.
There's this.
I'm like getting choked upabout this because there's this
girl Actually, kate was on thepodcast and she brought it up
where she was, like her parentswill send her flowers now on her
sober birthday and early onthose first couple of years I
(30:13):
would meet my dad, actually forbreakfast on my sober birthday.
Sorry, I didn't expect to getchoked up, but currently my dad
is going through a cancer battle, so this makes me emotional
because of that.
And just having parentsacknowledge the hard work you
(30:33):
put in or friends doing the samething, it really does mean the
world for the person who isrecovering and going
alcohol-free.
So even just a little text likeI'm proud of you, good job, and
that text or that phone callcould really just help somebody
(30:55):
in those early days.
Again, this isn't easy for meto talk about because I feel for
both sides and that's where I'mjust trying to stay on the
point with this and not getsuper emotional.
But I know from sides of theparents who are really proud of
(31:15):
their kids, and then I also tooknow from sides of parents whose
children didn't make it and itis heartbreaking and very, very
sad because, as much as I dothink that everybody can change,
sometimes they can't and that'sa reality that loved ones have
(31:40):
to have it sink in and that's areality that loved ones have to
have it sink in and I hope thatdoesn't sound very harsh.
But that is just going back tothe reality of addiction is,
some people do not make it andthey choose going left instead
of going right, and it's veryhard to see.
(32:00):
And now, as a parent too, it'sjust.
I can't imagine if I had to gothrough that with the dictator.
So celebrate, ask them whatthey need, especially to, let's
just say, with friends this canall apply to friendships too.
I want to say, with the friendsthing and even to family thing.
Even if there's going to bealcohol there, I still want you
(32:23):
to invite the loved one ifthey're in sobriety, and let
them give you the option of, hey, I'm going to pass.
Let them don't assume anything,let them answer for you.
Expect two people in earlysobriety to cancel on your ass.
And it just comes from.
(32:46):
It comes from experience andanxiety, especially those first
couple months up into that firstyear.
It's just sometimes people, allthey have to give that day is
just make it through another daysober.
So that's what I wanted to addin.
But, like I said from thepeople who I polled, it was just
(33:08):
don't be judgmental.
And this is what I'm going tosay from that.
Like I said at the get, you'vegot to come from as the loved
one approach it from a lovingsituation.
That's because they're probablyused to how you've been
approaching it before and youmight not notice, but it
(33:30):
probably does sound harsherbecause you have to remember too
, especially in those firstcouple months, how sensitive
anybody who gets sober is andit's a little bit of a progress
or a process.
So just know that.
So invite the person.
If they decline, don't be madabout it, no problem, follow it
(33:52):
up with.
If you ever want to go get acoffee anytime, you let me know.
You kind of got to meet themwith where they're at in those
first couple months and theywill meet you back.
But for you it's important foryou to take care of yourself and
just learn about this.
Learn about it so you canunderstand it more and then
(34:12):
figure out what yourrelationship's going to look
with that person if they stillcontinue to use.
Because at some point I thinkit is in Al-Anon too where it's
like, at some point you have tostop being the doormat.
I think there's a quote,there's like a doormat quote in
Al-Anon and it's good for you togo and figure out those support
(34:32):
groups and or if therapy, ifyou need to do therapy on how to
help yourself, because that'snumber one priority, because a
lot of loved ones losethemselves in being married to
an alcoholic, being a parent ofone same thing with a friend.
There's a lot of hurt there.
(34:53):
Also, too, don't expect withinthat first month when they got
sober that everything is goingto be accounted for.
That's going to be quite aprocess as well of the apologies
.
I made my apologies my soberbirthday and I made it to the
(35:16):
people I needed to make it toduring that time in my life who
I know I really hurt and I didthat and I was very emotional.
It was hard for me to get someof it out, but I got it out and
it was freeing.
So, and a lot of people that Icoach I say the same thing it's
don't just start apologizingbecause you feel like you need
to.
When it comes to apologiesespecially when you've done
somebody wrong like it's got tobe heartfelt, right, and it's
(35:38):
got to be when you're ready andyou truly mean it.
So just know that that mighttake some time for you to get a
recognition and an apology, butI think that's about it.
So I just want you to know thatyou're not alone.
Again, from the loved one'spoint of view, you didn't cause
(35:59):
this right, and it's okay tofeel angry and exhausted and sad
all at once.
You have to go through your owngrieving process as well.
So loving someone with analcohol problem is truly, truly
complicated.
So there's grief and hope andconfusion and pain all wrapped
into one, which some days it'sjust hard to process.
(36:19):
That okay.
But again, healing is possiblefor anybody and it's possible
for them and it's possible foryou.
So check out the books, thelinks in the show notes.
I will put them in and if thisepisode spoke to you, please
feel free to share it or send mea DM on Instagram or email me
(36:41):
back and let me know.
So I hope, I hope and I sendyou good vibes.
I truly mean this because Iknow what it's like.
I know what it's like to lovesomebody who has an alcohol
problem and a crack problem, andit's hard, it is very hard.
And then I was a person withthat problem Not the crack
(37:03):
problem, the alcohol problem andagain I just if you listen to
LOT, you know that sometimes wejoke about my sister's crack
problem.
That's why I was laughing.
So I get it.
I get it, I get it and I reallydo think that anybody I would
like to stay in that of thepositive, of that your loved one
(37:24):
will stop and that's how youcan support a person in sobriety
and also to take care ofyourself, because that is number
one.
All right, thank you so muchfor listening.
I would love again to hear yourfeedback, so send me a DM on
Instagram.
If you haven't yet, please rate, review and subscribe to the
show.
And yeah, you keep on truckingand stay safe out there.
(37:48):
Thank you.
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