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May 22, 2025 33 mins

Text Me!

In episode 225 of the Sober Vibes podcast, I welcome Kate Rios to the show, and we discuss dating sober. 

Dating sober doesn't have to be terrifying, and it might lead to better relationships. Kate Rios shares her eight-year sobriety journey and how she navigated the dating world without alcohol.

Kate has been a part of the Sober Vibes community, and this is a listener's story!

Favorite quote from the show- "If he can't plan a date, he can't plan a future!"

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

  • How to build confidence when dating without alcohol
  • Tips for handling the “Why don’t you drink?” question
  • How sobriety leads to deeper emotional connection
  • Red flags and green flags in sober relationships
  • Why sober sex can be better
  • Kate’s journey and insights from her sober love life

Thank you for listening! 

Connect with Kate:

Instagram 

Resources Mentioned:

Courtney's Website 

Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.


Connect w/ Courtney:
Instagram
Join the Sobriety Circle

Apply for 1:1 Coaching
Order the Sober Vibes Book

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Courtney Andersen (00:31):
Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I'm your host and sober coach,courtney Anderson.
I'm also your go-to guide withliving a kick-ass life without
booze.
You're listening to episode 225.
I have a great guest on today.
She has been part of the SoberVibes community for a long time
I believe she said she waseither seven or eight years
sober.
But today's guest is Kate Riosand she talks today with us

(00:56):
about dating sober.
So I wanted to have her on theshow because she always talks
usually sometimes about herdating life on Instagram and
likes to share profile picturesor profile accounts, I should
say, which just cracks me up,because she's got a great sense
of humor and she's going toshare with you today her three

(01:16):
main tips.
I get asked a lot about how todate sober right, and when I got
sober I was in a relationship,but, to be completely honest, of
when we both quit drinking.
It was like getting to know oneanother and what we would do
again, what our relationshipwould look like without drinking

(01:38):
alcohol.
So maybe one day I'll just do asolo episode about that,
because this is two totallydifferent things.
But Kate gives us some goodones and we talk about our past
dating experiences, especiallyin our drinking days.
So I really hope you enjoy thisepisode, as always.
If you are a listener of theshow, are part of the Sober

(01:59):
Vibes community, feel free toreach out to me if you want to
be a guest on the show, becauseI love connecting with you and
hearing your stories.
So send me an email sobervibesat gmailcom and the only thing
is you have to have at least oneyear sobriety.
That's all I require.
So if you want to come on theshow, send me an email and if
you haven't already, please rate, review and subscribe to the

(02:21):
show so you never miss anepisode and those reviews help
the show as well.
All right, enjoy this episode.
Slide into my DMs on Instagramand let me know what you thought
of this episode.
Have a kick-ass day and keep ontrucking.
Hey, kate, welcome to the SoberBites podcast.
I'm so glad you're here today.

Kate Rios (02:41):
Thanks for having me.

Courtney Andersen (02:43):
So I wanted you to talk about this to the
good people of the world aboutdating sober.
But first do you want to tell alittle bit about your story
when you got sober.
What was that?
What was kind of that momentfor you when you're like I can't
do this anymore?

Kate Rios (03:00):
Yeah.
So it's kind of crazy because Ifeel like most people at least
people that don't have problemswith addiction think your rock
bottom is like the worst thingthat happened to you.
But mine, mine actually was thenight I lost my car keys from
my car that I wasn't driving.
It was actually at home parkedand it was a horrible night in
general general, and I got homeand I had to get my car towed as

(03:24):
well as another key made for mycar, which was like $400
because I didn't have a spare,and it was just something about
my level of depression at thatpoint in my life.
I remember sitting on mybalcony and just thinking I had
recently moved to the DC areaand it was just a new city, the
same things.
I was never suicidal, but I wasat a point where I was upset

(03:46):
when I would wake up the nextday.
Every day just felt the same,like this roller coaster I just
couldn't get off of.
And something about that nightwas just the next day when I
woke up I wanted to not drinkstronger than I wanted to drink
for the first time ever drinkstronger than I wanted to drink
for the first time ever, I wouldsay.

(04:07):
Previously.
I went to rehab in 2016,.
But I went to rehab as like avacation.
I was like, yeah, I'm going togo to this rehab and they're
going to fix all my underlyingissues and then I'm going to go
back to that of a normal drinker.
Yeah, right, right, so, yeah,yeah.
So years later, I realized thatmy obsession was still on the
drinking.
But, yeah, that night was justprofoundly different and somehow

(04:30):
24 hours turned into 30 days.
I remember telling everyone atthe time that I was just doing
this health quest for 30 daysbecause, quite frankly, I didn't
think I could stay sober 30days, and that turned into six
months.
And then six months turned intoa year, and I can't believe it.
But it will be eight years inJuly and I know that I used to
post heavily on your group backin the beginning, so it is

(04:51):
pretty wild to go back and lookat my earlier post and see how
far I've came.

Courtney Andersen (04:55):
But I have to say, because I remember you in
that first year and, yes,exactly of how far you have came
, and I really alwaysappreciated how you utilize that
for support and like askingquestions or even just being
like, is this normal?
Or just posting a little bitjust about frustrations, right,
can I even do this?
Because I do think that firstyear it's a lot of that.

Kate Rios (05:20):
Yes, definitely.
A lot of highs and lows, a lotof figuring out how to navigate
sobriety.
A lot of fear around tellingpeople that I don't drink.
I mean, that was one of mybiggest fears was going out and
being like I don't drink alcoholRight, right, right.

Courtney Andersen (05:34):
Exactly Before you quit drinking, even
before the rehab stint, did youknow in your soul that you were
going to have to quit drinkingalcohol one day?
In your soul that you weregoing to have to quit drinking
alcohol one?

Kate Rios (05:44):
day, I think around 2016, when I went to rehab, I
knew it was a definitepossibility.
During that time, one night Iwent out drinking so heavily
that I ended up tripping andbashing my head pretty hard.
I think I actually had a baseskull fracture and instead of

(06:11):
looking at that situation andbeing like, wow, I really need
to stop drinking, I said wow, ifit hadn't been icing, I
wouldn't have fallen.
So I think maybe on some levelI knew, but on another level I
just wasn't willing to acceptthat all of the stuff that was
happening to me was drinking ituntil probably 2017.
But 2016,.
I was getting there.

Courtney Andersen (06:27):
Yeah, how, though?
I like to ask people how wasyour rehab stay?
Was it glorious?
Because I've never been torehab, so I'm just curious when
I this is why I ask people.

Kate Rios (06:38):
So I was really scared to go to rehab.
My parents neither of myparents have drinking issues and
they had confronted me multipletimes really worried about my
drinking.
My grandfather was an alcoholicand just basically saying we're
here to support you.
I actually went into rehabsober.
I didn't know that most peopleshow up really drunk.
I thought if I went drunk theywouldn't accept me.

(06:58):
Obviously I was extremelyterrified to go, but the
experience was a good one.
I just went in there with thewrong mindset, right.
I went in there thinking I'mnot like all of these other
people.
All of these other peopleobviously have severe addiction
issues.
I've never tried really to quitdrinking.

(07:19):
I kept convincing myself that,even though all the times I
tried to moderate, that wasn'tme attempting to quit.
Yeah, a lot of denial going on.
I stayed there I want to sayalmost 40 days and unfortunately
, the day I left and got back ona plane, I was drinking at the
airport on the way back home.
So did your parents pick you upfrom the airport?

(07:39):
They did not.
But when I got back home afriend of mine called my mom and
said she's already backdrinking and that friendship now
I'm friends with her againcompletely fell apart.
She was obviously.
Your parents sent you to rehaband you're back drinking the day
you get home.

(07:59):
My parents were upset at thatpoint, I think they knew they
couldn't control it, they didn'tcause it, but of course they
were really upset that they hadsent me to this place and here I
am back drinking instantly.
Yeah for sure.

Courtney Andersen (08:13):
What do you do?
Do you celebrate on your soberbirthday?
Do you do anything for that day?

Kate Rios (08:20):
So my first few years in sobriety?
Yes, usually I would go out todinner with some friends and
celebrate it.
I now look at my sobriety dateas more important than my
birthday.
I kind of look at it as mybirthday.
It's funny, my parents everyyear they'd say congratulations
year by year, and I think nowthat they have more friends

(08:40):
whose kids struggle withaddiction, they have realized
that having a daughter coming upon eight years is more rare.
So I started getting likeelaborate bouquets sent by them,
years six, seven and eight Idon't know one through five.
I guess they were like coolthanks, congrats.

Courtney Andersen (08:57):
I think I did see what you share, that and I
was like, oh, that's so sweet,your parents get acknowledged
and give you pretty flowers.
I was like, oh, that's so sweet, your parents acknowledge it
and give you pretty flowers.
That's a new development.
Well, that's good.
Okay, that's good that they seeit now, right, but yeah,
because this is such now moresuch a common thing I mean, it's
always been there, but this isjust more common of people
talking about it and probablynow of like parents and talking

(09:19):
with one another about theirkids and their struggle and
talking with one another abouttheir kids and their struggle.

Kate Rios (09:24):
Yeah, and I think the sober movement has really or
the sober curious has picked upover the past couple of years.
When I first got sober, youwould go out occasionally.
I'd go to a place that had abar or whatever and they didn't
have mocktails.
They didn't have any of thatstuff when I got sober and now
it seems like it's just morefriendly to a sober curious

(09:45):
crowd.

Courtney Andersen (09:46):
Yeah, are you able to drink mocktails or NA
beer?
Are you able to do that or no?

Kate Rios (09:51):
I am.
But I didn't start drinking NAbeers for a while I would say
four, four and a half years andjust because I had heard that
could be a trigger and I just Iwanted to be very confident in
my sobriety before I delved intothat world.

Courtney Andersen (10:07):
Yeah, I always do a little trigger, a
little PSA, like again with themocktails, and that it's like if
they trigger you, then don'tdrink them, cause I sometimes
feel like people think that theyhave to partake in those since
they're so relevant.
Now, right, and it's not thecase.
But yeah, when you and I quitdrinking we had a duel.
But so this area has come along way and I'm glad to see it

(10:35):
so with you, because I want youto share your wisdom with the
listeners of sober dating,because I told you before we
started, before we started,before we press record, like I
get a lot of questions on likehow do I do this?
So for you, did you startdating?
Were you dating in that firstyear?

(10:55):
Like when was this?
When were you able to really goout and confidently date as a
sober woman?

Kate Rios (11:02):
Yeah.
So I started dating using Hingeand Bumble, et cetera, about
four months into sobriety.
I don't recommend it, but notbecause it was necessarily hard
to meet men and go out on dates.
I did meet a man around yeah, Iwould say it was around four
months in, and when that ended,my emotional highs over

(11:25):
something that was, I don't know, maybe less than 10 dates was
extreme.
I mean, I didn't really seem tohave emotional regulation
skills at that time and lookingback, I can now see why they
tell you to not date in yourfirst year of sobriety.

Courtney Andersen (11:42):
Yeah, because it was just so.
It was because it was where youwere at like and where anybody
is that in that first year,because of all of those emotions
?
Yeah, because one day you'recrying and then the next day
you're like angry and then thenext day you're happy and you're
like what the fuck is happening?
Yes, and it has nothing to dowith other people, it's you and

(12:04):
these suppressed emotions comingout and your whole nervous
system trying to get back to abaseline.

Kate Rios (12:09):
Yeah, and that's a lot what was happening.
I was crying, bawling, well,also recognizing I wasn't really
100% even sold on this dude.
Why am I all over the place?
Now, like you said, I know whatit was, but yeah, it's not
something that I would recommend.
I also know a few girls thatstarted dating pretty early on
too, and unfortunately, I'veseen a lot of them relapse due

(12:33):
to maybe it ends and they're notin a place where they can
handle that.
So I'd hate for someone to losetheir sobriety over a man.

Courtney Andersen (12:40):
Yeah, yeah for sure.
So when did you so?
When, like after that firstyear, were you able to feel more
confident with dating andwithin your emotions as well?

Kate Rios (12:51):
Yeah, after that first year it got a lot.
So when I first started datingas a sober person, I was really
afraid to tell men that I don'tdrink.
I thought that I was somehowless worthy or maybe I was the
problem.
And oh hey, just wanted to letyou know I don't drink alcohol,
right.
And now I look at it totallydifferent.

(13:13):
It's just who I am and what Idid notice from dating.
I'd share that and most menwere totally cool with it.
Most men were like, oh okay,how about, instead of a bar,
let's go to Topgolf or let's gohere Occasionally, very
occasionally, I would get a manthat would be like, oh, you
don't drink.
Well, I'm looking for a womanwho will finish a bottle of wine

(13:37):
with me.
Therefore, I do not think weare a match.
And now I'm thinking well, Idon't want to go out with a guy
who puts so much emphasis onalcohol.
He can't imagine going out on adate with someone who doesn't
drink.
But would he?

Courtney Andersen (13:50):
with this?
Would dude say that via text,with just texting with them
before you even got out on adate, or were there ever times
that you were out on a date andit came up and then they brought
that up?

Kate Rios (14:03):
So usually, what happened before the date.
Typically, I'm very good atletting them know.
Hey, just wanted to let youknow and be up front.
I don't drink alcohol, but Idon't mind if you do Gotcha.
And then you have the guys thatdrink socially but not to
excess, are usually like oh okay, that's cool, let's do this.

(14:23):
Guys that drink heavily will doone of two things.
They'll say, oh, I'm not sureif we're very compatible.
Drinking is very important tome.
Or I've noticed, and it's soweird, they'll write me a
paragraph of how they drink, butthey don't drink excessively.
And I'm like why are youexplaining your drinking to me,

(14:46):
like defending it?
It's very weird.

Courtney Andersen (14:49):
Totally because you never asked for that
.
That's the thing.
But don't you notice, though,when you would notice, like,
when you quit drinking usuallythe people with problematic
relationships with alcohol, theones who had issues they offer
that shit to you up front whenyou're like yeah, I just came in
to get my hair cut I didn'teven ask you how much you drink.

Kate Rios (15:11):
Yeah, actually one of the dudes who started telling
me this giant full disclosure ofhow they don't have problematic
drinking tendencies.
He was a mutual friend of afriend and I later found out he
had severe issues arounddrinking and would often black
out and have problematicrelationships because of that.

Courtney Andersen (15:32):
For sure, Because, as we talked about it
like I mean, at the end of itnobody wants, nobody wants to
date people with a drinkingissue or a substance abuse issue
, right, that's that is nowgoing into dating and how you
see dating and even how I see arelationship or how I used to
see when I dated a person.
I mean I would go on firstdates and get these men fucked

(15:56):
up, get myself fucked up andstart taking shots and it just
would not end.
Well, you know what I mean.
Like, looking back at that,it's oh my God.

Kate Rios (16:08):
Oh my God Same.
I would encourage men whoprobably drink more socially to
drink to the excess around me.

Courtney Andersen (16:15):
So I totally relate, relate Right where it's
like these little Mickey Mousedrinkers and then you're just
sitting across from them justbeing like, no, let's do another
round of shots.
And there was a guy that I wentout on a couple of dates with a
couple of years before I evenmet my husband, and he was like
nice as can be, and that was thething.
He was not very much of adrinker.

(16:36):
And I got that man so hammeredthe first night and then the
next couple of times we went outI was like starting to get
turned off by how he acted withalcohol.

Kate Rios (16:47):
Oh, my God.

Courtney Andersen (16:49):
Meanwhile, I was the one forcing him to take
shots.

Kate Rios (16:54):
Yeah, I can relate to that.
I went out New Year's with aguy years and years ago and I
encouraged him to drink heavilyand he ended up passed out.
And I told my friend, hey, cansomeone put him in a spare
bedroom?
I'm not done drinking, he justseems to be done for the night.

Courtney Andersen (17:10):
Oh God, yeah, he can't handle his alcohol.

Kate Rios (17:14):
Right, go on.
Also, the way I look at datingprofiles is profoundly different
.
So back when I was drinking I'dscroll through and I'd look for
a man that says something likeI love IPAs I was a big IPA girl
or if they had themselvesholding a drink in every photo,

(17:35):
like that was attractive to me.
And now I see if a man has adrink in every photo and they're
talking about how much theylove beer in their profile,
those are typically the guysthat you don't want to be dating
.

Courtney Andersen (17:49):
No, no and like same thing for women.
If you have emoji cons ofglasses of wine or like the Mai
Tai on the like Hawaiiancocktail, take it out, like,
take it out of your profile.
So how do you set up?
How is your dating profile now?
Do you put in your profile Idon't drink?
Do you put that up front?

(18:09):
My friend, my girlfriend Leah,did that when she was on dating
apps.
I just put it up front sopeople knew.

Kate Rios (18:17):
Yeah.
So there's a prompt on Hinge.
You can choose differentprompts and I think one is you
should not go out with me if, orother things, or full
disclosure, and I just I leave acute little voice note of hey,
I just wanted to be up frontthat I don't drink alcohol.
I don't care if you do, but ifthat's a deal breaker, no
worries, or something like that.
Or if we start a chat and Idon't have it maybe it's on

(18:38):
Bumble and they don't have that,I will tell them when we start
discussing date ideas, becausemost guys default is either
drinks or coffee.
So I say hey, I don't drinkalcohol, don't mind if you do,
and typically the man is goingto suggest something else, right
?
Not many men are going to belike, okay, well, let's go to a
bar, I'm sure they have stufffor you.

Courtney Andersen (18:59):
Right, right, I'm sure they have a mocktail
menu, right, okay, well, that'sgood.
I think that's very empoweringto just take that control and
just put it out there, becausethen you're at least going to
somebody's going to still seethat or listen to that and make
the decision based off themgetting to know you.

(19:20):
Do you think it's easier todate sober or do you think it's
harder?
I mean, now that you've been init for these years?

Kate Rios (19:29):
Okay.
So overall, I would say interms of quality men, it is
better, right, you're attractingbetter, you have more clarity,
you're able to see, like old me,I would get really drunk on the
date and take them home, right,me isn't like that.
So now I'm able to figure outif I actually have a connection
with that person.

(19:49):
The only way that it's harderis sometimes I'm a little bit
more nervous.
I feel like drunk me was likeoh hey, there, nice to meet you.
It would initiate a first kissand sober me is a little bit
more reserved.
I might take three dates beforewe share our first kiss, which
is so different than me wasRight exactly.

Courtney Andersen (20:14):
Oh, I get that one too Totally, right,
exactly, oh, I get that one tooTotally, but don't.
But, like now in it and beinglike that, what for you in that
process of cause, that's anidentity shift too right, like
it's where it's, this is what Idid for so long.
And then when you quit drinkingalcohol and you get sober and
the clarity comes in, likesometimes I looked back and I

(20:35):
was like Jesus, I cannot believeI put myself in that situation.
But how was that for you onthat kind of identity shift, and
how you then went into datesBecause I'm sure you went into
the first couple ones after thatfirst year of what's going to
happen?
We're just going to drinkcoffee and I'm going to go home.
I'm usually used to being likecome back with me, right?

(20:58):
How does that switch for you inthe beginning?

Kate Rios (21:01):
Yeah, so when a date ends I would be super nervous
Right Cause I didn't have thealcohol giving me all the
confidence and like I wasn'ttaking them home.
So a lot of anxiety around.
When the guy walks you back tothe car, is he going to lean in
and try to kiss me?
Is he not?
Am I supposed to lean into him?

(21:22):
So that was hard for me atfirst to navigate that, just
because alcohol had done thatfor me and it's given me the
confidence.
So the first and I would say itwas a while before I got more
confident with expressing orshowing my boundaries through
body language.
But yeah, the first few I wouldhave so much anxiety, mostly as

(21:44):
the date would wrap up, justbecause I didn't know how I was
supposed to act.

Courtney Andersen (21:49):
Yeah, right.
So what helped you with theconfidence in that?
Do you feel like it was timeand just getting to know
yourself and get more confidentin your own skin?
Or was it the act on going onWell, I should say putting
yourself in on in dates?

Kate Rios (22:09):
It was the time, because now I look at it, as
I've just met this person, right, I don't know them at all.
We probably matched on a datingapp.
We have had maybe an hour ofconversation.
I don't know why I ever feltlike I owed them a kiss or I
owed them anything else.
I mean, we are strangers, justseeing if we're compatible.
And I feel like the more time Igot sober, the more confident I

(22:33):
was and the less I think somepart of me felt guilty.
When I first got sober that Iwasn't.
I would hear friends tellingstories of, yeah, I went out
with this dude and we weremaking out and stuff like that
and I'm like, oh, guys must viewme as boring.
I don't feel like that anymore.
And I've also noticed the typesof men that I meet are higher

(22:53):
quality.
Right, I'm meeting men that aremore intentional about dating
for marriage and I feel likeI've called that in because I'm
weeding out men that arehyper-focused on drinking or
hyper-focused on going out to abar and partying or getting
their date drunk.

Courtney Andersen (23:09):
Yeah, yeah, and where they're just in it for
the night of hooking up,absolutely Right.
And that just goes to show you,too, of being intentional.
And also, too, when you startloving yourself and make that
decision to quit drinking, andthat chaos that all happened,
and each day choosing anotherday without alcohol, like you're
building that self-esteem andyou are creating that vibration

(23:33):
of who you want to attract in.
Vibration of who you want toattract in.

Kate Rios (23:36):
Yes, and it gets a lot easier to tell people that I
.
So back when I first got sober,I was so afraid to mention I
don't drink, because of coursethey'd be like, oh why?
Oh, I used to drink a lot andnow I mean I'm very open about
it.
I don't drink.
I used to drink too much andit's just, it's natural.

(23:57):
It's no longer something that Ifeel embarrassed or ashamed.
It's a part of who I am.
I'm so different than I waseight years ago and I'm very
happy with who I am.
So it's just.
It's the shift of going from Ihave this problem that defines
me to no, I'm a sober person, Idon't drink.
This is me.
And feeling confident in sayingthat, Right.

Courtney Andersen (24:21):
Did you ever trauma dump on your dates of why
you don't drink alcohol in thebeginning?
Because that is the thing of it, because people get very
nervous of well, what do I say.
You know what I mean?
Was there ever a person whereyou felt like you're like, oh, I
just told that person too much.
It was too much of your story.

Kate Rios (24:42):
I don't.
I actually don't think so.
I used to trauma dump when Idrank and would get wasted and
then be like I had exes thathurt me and tell them just
everything about my life.
And then I took a man whowanted to find a wife to.
He'd be running for the hills,but I think sober.
I usually most men will ask oh,is it health reasons or

(25:06):
something?
And it comes from a good place,and I typically will say I used
to drink too much, I realizedit, so I quit drinking and
that's kind of it.
Now, if we go continue to go ondates and maybe we're dating
for a couple of months, then I'mgoing to share a little bit
more of what that looks like.

Courtney Andersen (25:22):
Yeah, which I think is very smart.
My sister does that now whereshe's.
I'm not going to tell everybodyeverything all at once, because
a lot of people don't deserveyour story, and especially too
if they're not going to bearound, because not every date
you go on there's a happy ending, right.
So you got to wait and you gotto get quiet a little bit.
They have to earn that storyfrom you and earn that trust.

Kate Rios (25:46):
Agree, and it's a lot .
It's a lot to tell someone allup front.
I mean, if someone did that tome and the situation was
reversed, I'd be like, oh okay,thanks for sharing all of that.

Courtney Andersen (26:00):
Right, when is this over?
Because this just got weird,because it is, but I do like it,
just how you kept it simple.
I don't drink, I used to drinka lot and I realized it.
And this is just who I am,because I do believe you can
keep it short and simple and beconfident within that.
I believe you can keep it shortand simple and be confident
within that, but that confidencedoes take some time.

Kate Rios (26:18):
Oh, 100% yes.

Courtney Andersen (26:20):
And there's move along the conversation, you
don't have to keep it there.

Kate Rios (26:25):
So, and on dates, there's an art of conversation
right and most men move right onfrom it.
They're like, oh okay, that'scool.
I admire that Nice.

Courtney Andersen (26:37):
Have you dated anybody who doesn't drink
too?
I?

Kate Rios (26:41):
actually haven't dated someone else who doesn't
drink.
I've dated men who drink solightly I would almost consider
them non-drinkers, right.
I have a friend, a guy friend,now, and I've known him for
almost eight years and I'vemaybe seen him drink four beers
in that time span.

Courtney Andersen (26:58):
Really.

Kate Rios (26:59):
Yeah.

Courtney Andersen (27:00):
I often feel like it's the men.
I feel like men and maybe andagain this goes back to they
don't have their second cycle,they don't go through, they
don't have a period, right.
So I always just think with men.
It's like I always just thinkwith men.

(27:21):
It's like I just don't see alot of men with drinking issues,
like women do.
I know that they're out there,but it's just so you know, from
people I've worked with and yousharing and friends, it's like
the men that they have been with, they're like normal.
It's nothing to them.

Kate Rios (27:36):
Yeah, and I don't know if it would be harder to
date for a man that was soberthan a woman, because I have
heard and I've seen on profilesagain, I have friends, I have
guy friends that drink solightly that they do not like
going out with women who drinkheavily, and if they meet women
like that they're cutting it offor they'll go out and they
don't want to drink and thewoman's oh why are you not

(27:57):
drinking?
Whereas for women men do notcare and I have noticed that
there does seem to be a gendergap of acceptance there, which
is weird.

Courtney Andersen (28:08):
Yeah, yeah, so well.
Thank you for sharing with usyour knowledge and experience of
dating sober.
Are you dating now?
Are you dating now?
Are you seeing anybody?

Kate Rios (28:18):
I am not seeing anyone at the moment, but I am
starting back, trying to getdating again because I would
like to meet someone.

Courtney Andersen (28:25):
Right, right.
So what would be?
Let's just recap this so thelistener can take quick little
notes.
What would be your three tipsfor a lady dating who is sober?

Kate Rios (28:39):
Yes, so disclose it up front and be light about it.
I don't drink, but I don't mind.
If you don't mind, if you domind, that's valid too.
Look at their profiles.
If a guy has a profile pictureand in every photo they're
holding a beer, they might drinkin a little bit more than just
socially.
And when you're out on dates orwhen you're planning dates, I

(29:02):
should say and you tell the manI don't drink and he suggests a
brewery, I would really thinkabout that.
You're sharing that you don'tdrink.
And because I have been therewhen I have said I don't drink
and I have had one to two mencome back and be like, well, how
about this brewery?
And I've decided to not meetthem because they weren't

(29:23):
meeting me halfway.
There's plenty of other stuffthat you can do on a first date
outside of a brewery.
So if you're matching withsomeone who can't think of
anything else, if he can't plana date, he can't plan a future.

Courtney Andersen (29:35):
Oh girl, shit , I like that.
I've got to write that down.
If he can't plan a date, hecan't plan a future.
Well, but that is so truethough, because that's the thing
.
It's like you're exactly right.
And when you especially in thisniche of people that we're

(29:56):
talking about when you quitdrinking, right, that is
starting then, with the claritythat you get, that immediately
should be a red flag becauseit's okay.
This person is not meeting mehappily, as what you said Like
why, why would he suggest this?
Like when there is, you couldjust meet up at a Starbucks.
Like there is so many morethings to do on a first date

(30:19):
than go sit at a bar with drinks.
And I'm going to tell you froma person who bartended for a
very long time again, thosepeople suggesting that probably
are taking you to their localhangout and that they have
probably taken many women beforeand that they are most likely

(30:45):
have their own drinking problemand borderline narcissistic.

Kate Rios (30:51):
Oh yeah, I mentioned to my I work with a psychologist
and I mentioned one dude whotold me oh hey, he was like I
just don't think we're a match.
Sharing a drink is so important.
She was like, oh so he hasalcohol issues instantly.
I'm like, oh okay, you saw thattoo.
And she was like, well, yeah,who puts that much emphasis on
needing to drink a bottle ofwine?

Courtney Andersen (31:10):
Yeah, but in the same thing, like when your
behavior, like when you quitdrinking I'm sure this was you
too Like I mean, I had to gothrough it.
Still, when the memories comeup on Facebook, I'm like Jesus.
But, like my profile, you'vegot to look because you're able
then to sniff it out on otherpeople's.
If the profile is just picturesof you with wine and all that

(31:30):
stuff and you and your friendspartying and there's nothing
else but that and you're seeingthat on a person.
Do not ignore that instinct,yeah.

Kate Rios (31:40):
And you know what's for me is before I quit drinking
.
That was my profile and I wouldput all about the beers I liked
oh my gosh, right.

Courtney Andersen (31:48):
I will get stuff now from 15 years ago
where it's just shit that Iposted at 2 am with a bunch of
spelling errors, it's like.
Where I'm like oh my god, I washammered at 2am Facebooking,
which makes me laugh now, but Istill, it's just.
I'm very happy that my drinkingproblem, that I got sober on

(32:09):
the rise of the internet.

Kate Rios (32:11):
One of the best things about being sober is I've
never woken up in sobrietylooking to see who I texted and
what I said to them.
Because I used to wake up andbe like, oh my God, what psycho,
insane thing did I say to someman.

Courtney Andersen (32:26):
And now in the morning.
Well, exactly when you wake upin the morning now like feeling
refreshed and thank you, jesus,because imagine if you, then if
it was a person where you likedand you're like super excited
about that date, and then evenif you went out and got drunk
after the date and did that it's, and then the next day not

(32:48):
hearing from him and him beinglike what the fuck just happened
.

Kate Rios (32:52):
Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

Courtney Andersen (33:09):
I went on so many dates back in the day with
just really great men who, afterI got drunk and acted a fool,
were like hey, it was reallynice meeting you.
I just don't think we're along-term fit and I hope this
episode helps someone who isabout to get themselves in the
dating pool as a sober person.

Kate Rios (33:23):
Thank you.
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