April 3, 2025 • 28 mins
Episode 219:How to Overcome the Struggle with Gray Area Drinking
In episode 219 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Andersen discusses Gray Area Drinking. Courtney breaks down what gray area drinking is, how to recognize it, and how to take back control of your relationship with alcohol without waiting for a crisis.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- The definition of gray area drinking
- Signs you might be a gray area drinker
- The impact alcohol has on mental and emotional well-being
- How to take steps toward an alcohol-free life (without pressure or labels)
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Resources Mentioned:
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- Work 1:1 with Courtney: Apply Here
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Courtney Andersen (00:31):
Welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I am Courtney Anderson, yourhost and sober coach, and I am
here to help you navigate lifewithout alcohol and thrive.
You are listening to episode219, and today I got quite the
episode, and this was inspiredby a meeting I had a couple of
weeks ago in our sobriety circleand where we were talking about
(00:54):
gray area drinking.
Okay, I really do think, though, that gray area drinking can
fit into that category ofmoderation, but we're just going
to talk about gray areadrinking today.
Okay, so this is for you,especially if you've ever
wondered is my drinking reallythat bad or do I actually have a
(01:15):
problem?
Alcohol addiction, alcohol usedisorder, isn't always black and
white.
That's why, now, it is beingtalked about more on a spectrum,
and this is where the experts,whoever they are in the world,
have now expanded this intoalcohol use disorder and
alcoholism being on that farleft, right and all of in
(01:41):
between, on what you can, whatyou identify with right, like a
binge drinker, going into themoderation, going into the gray
area drinker.
So, in going into thisconversation, you really don't
have to hit a rock bottom.
Right For drinking to be aproblem.
(02:02):
Right for drinking to be aproblem.
However, I'm going to tell youI am a firm believer that rock
bottom is just your point ofwhen you have had it.
I have known people to have athousand and one rock bottoms.
Were they all terrible?
(02:22):
No, no, they weren't.
Were some terrible, absolutely.
But I truly just think thatthat rock bottom comes to a
moment where you're like, dude,I've had enough of this Time to
move the fuck on and time tomove the fuck on without alcohol
in my life.
So if this resonates with you,I hope you stick more around
(02:43):
because you're really go.
I'm going to be breaking it alldown for you and I hope you
enjoy this episode.
So what exactly is gray areadrinking?
It's between social drinkingand full-blown alcohol
dependence.
You might not need alcoholevery day, but when you do drink
you feel uneasy about it, right?
(03:03):
Maybe you set rules foryourself.
Here comes where that littlemoderation is coming in.
I only drink on the weekends.
I won't drink alone.
I won't do shots.
I will only stick to beer.
I will only stick to six ouncesof wine, but deep down in my
soul I'm like pissed because I'mnot having more than six ounces
(03:24):
of wine.
You might find yourself bendingthese rules.
Does any of this sound familiar?
And if you're nodding your headin your car or on your therapy
walk, I get it.
I get it because, I have to say, towards the end of my drinking
career which I have expressedmany times on this podcast I was
closer to a binge drinker.
(03:45):
You know what I mean and so Iunderstand, because even what
I'm listing and talking aboutright now it does take me back
to.
It's like yeah, I mean, I didthis to myself too.
This is towards the end,especially that last year and a
half of my drinking this is whatI was eventually getting myself
(04:06):
to to then eventually just sayno more drinking alcohol.
So gray area drinkers oftendon't fit into the traditional
idea of a quote unquotealcoholic.
They might be high achievers,successful in their career,
showing up with their families,mom's, doing the most right, but
alcohol is still taking up waytoo much mental energy.
(04:26):
I laugh because this is true,because once you get out of the
cycle, that is when you see itwhere you're like holy balls.
I have spent way too much timeand energy thinking about
alcohol, thinking about when mynext drink is right, and then
you see the amount of control itactually had over you.
(04:49):
I know people don't like to saythat the substance doesn't have
a control over them, but itdoes, and you will see it when
you are out of the relationshipwith it.
You may feel anxiety aboutdrinking, regret the choices the
day after, even try to cut back, but the struggle to do so is
consistently, and that is thatcycle that you get into, which
(05:12):
is awful.
So let's talk about signs.
You might be a gray areadrinker.
There's a ton of red flags.
Okay, you often wake up feelingguilty about how much you drank
the night before.
You tell yourself you'll justhave one or two, but that rarely
happens.
You take breaks from drinking.
(05:32):
This is a huge one, becausethis is too like what we talked
about on our sobriety circle,meaning you take breaks from
drinking, but once you go back,it's like you never stopped and
it gets worse.
It's like you never stopped andit gets worse.
Seriously, I will scream thisfrom the rooftops of my house,
where then my neighbors will belike what the fuck is this bitch
(05:54):
doing?
But so many times with people,they will take a break from
drinking, go back and it will beworse than what it was, and
that's only going to continue.
I have yet to found a personwho has had a problematic
(06:14):
relationship with alcohol andthen takes time off of drinking
and goes back to it and theyended up where they originally
began and it's worse than whatit was.
You're not physically dependent,but alcohol plays a big role in
your life.
Then you like to think this iswhere I say that a lot of people
are emotionally dependent on it.
(06:36):
You keep questioning yourrelationship with alcohol, but
talk yourself out of it, ofmaking a big change.
I want to say this too you alsoare seeking validation from
others when let me rephrase thisyou will ask others or share
with somebody that you have adrinking problem or have a
question in your relationshipwith alcohol, or maybe to ask
(06:57):
them and they are like what areyou talking about?
No, you don't have a, you'renot an alcoholic.
That's what it always goes backto.
No, you're not an alcoholic,you don't have a drinking
problem.
What are you talking?
You're the best mom, you havethis fucking amazing career, you
hold down the fort.
I envy you, right?
And then you seek thatvalidation like okay, I don't
(07:20):
have a problem.
I'm going to tell you thisright now Stop asking fucking
people if you have a problemwith relationship, I want you to
have a problem with alcohol.
Because they're going tofucking tell you you don't have
a problem with alcohol.
If your inner voice has beentelling you for years, something
is not right here, stop askingothers.
(07:42):
There is so often time thatprofessionals therapists,
doctors that women are tellingthem that they might have a
problem with alcohol and thesedoctors are telling them they
don't because they're notfollowing the standard of well,
how many drinks have you had perweek?
Okay, we all lie.
And seriously, the therapistswho are telling these women and
(08:03):
men too, I'm sure I just know alot of women of what I've been
told that when they address thiswith their therapist and the
therapist was like no, no, no,you don't have a problem with
relationship.
Fucking stop.
This is what people are payingyou for to fucking listen to
them.
And this one pisses me off likebeyond, fucking beyond.
Go fire your therapist.
(08:23):
Actually, if they are tellingyou you don't have a problem
with alcohol, when you'readdressing this to them Because
guess what, nobody who has aproblem with alcohol is bringing
this up to a professionaltherapist I'm like winded.
This pisses me off so bad.
Why would somebody make thisshit up.
(08:48):
Who wants a problematicrelationship with alcohol, if
any.
You want to be normal.
You don't want to feel guilt atthe end of the day or the day
after for fucking drinking.
God, there's going to be a lotof profanity in this one, but
it's true, like I mean.
Listen, I know there are peopleout there who are unwell.
(09:09):
Okay, there's people out therewho will fake a cancer diagnosis
for sympathy and like all ofthe bullshit and the bad in the
world that you hear.
But honestly, I really highlydoubt that there's somebody out
there trying to fake a drinkingproblem.
So therapy, their therapist, ifyou're listening, and your
client comes to you and says,motherfucker, I think I have a
(09:32):
drinking problem, listen and sayexpand on it.
Whatever you do in therapytalks right.
My therapist, before I fired herwhen I was still in my active
relationship with alcohol, thebitch was right.
She said do you ever think thatyou need to give up drinking?
And I fired her because she wason to me.
Okay, it's just one of thosethings she knew.
(09:54):
She knew, she saw through me,she understood.
You're pretty aware You'veworked on this a lot of your
life because I have been intherapy since I was, I don't
know in middle school.
You know what I mean.
I had the awareness but it wasthe one thing that kept me in
this pocket and being stuck andit kept self-sabotaging and
(10:15):
destructive my life.
So bravo to that therapist, whoshe saw through me.
So if any of these of what Ijust said before I went on the
tangent of the therapy talk andthe professionals, if any of
these hit home to you, justremember you're not alone.
There are, I have to say, Ifeel like there's so many more
(10:37):
of these gray area drinkers thanthere are of the quote unquote
extreme alcoholics.
Right Again, your rock bottomis when you've had enough with
alcohol, when you're when youhave had enough of the feeling
like this and wanting to get outof that cycle, and when you
(11:00):
keep going back to booze and yousee that it's not, it's not
changing, it's not gettingbetter, right, then that's when
you're like, okay, I just needto give it up and I get it and
the process.
You have to keep giving it up,but when you keep doing the
dance with it, you're going tokeep being in that cycle.
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So what is the impact of grayarea drinking?
So here's the thing Gray areadrinking might not look like a
crisis from the outside, but ittakes a toll.
(12:50):
It can affect your mentalhealth, your sleep, your
confidence, right, because whenyou keep doing the thing that
you've been doing, it is goingto.
And alcohol for everybody.
It's a self-esteem depleter,man, because then you're waking
up the next day in the cycle andyou're like what the fuck, what
is wrong with me and the deluluthat alcohol has over you and
(13:13):
that just totally fucking ripsyou to shred and gives you no
clarity and the decisions youmake in your drinking, right,
and the 2 am cries with snotbubbles.
It's a lot, it is not good andit can even too fully affect
your ability to be fully present, right, you might find yourself
using alcohol to cope withstress or anxiety and over time
(13:36):
it can become that cycle that'sreally hard to break.
I want to say this right now andthis is not a lot of people
talk about this the past fiveyears, because this episode will
air on April 3rd.
I want you to think about whereyou were five years ago,
(13:56):
seriously.
I want you to think about whereyou were five years ago.
The state of the world.
We were all in a motherfuckinglockdown and now nobody's
talking about the stress and theimpact this had A lot of that
time, during COVID, a lot ofpeople their alcohol usage
fucking skyrocketed.
(14:17):
There was emotional trauma thathappened, physical trauma.
If you listen to me and mysister's episode last week of
LOT, we talked about how thatpandemic was the start to the
end of the baby boomergeneration and totally fucked
them up.
And it fucked a lot of peopleup and there has to be time to
recover and heal from a globalpandemic.
(14:41):
And this is nothing political,but what that did to human
beings in this world.
The amount of trauma that wasin the news, the amount of
trauma that was happening allover the world and it burned a
lot of people fucking out.
There were a lot of parents whodid not want to become teachers
, right.
There was a lot of people whowas impacted by that financially
(15:05):
.
There was a lot of people whoit actually people relapsed
because it took away theirday-to-day structure.
Now, post-covid times, look athow just the world has changed.
Your job has changed.
You know fatigue on being onfucking Zoom calls, all of it.
There is so muchpsychologically that has
happened, mind, body and soul tothe human being.
(15:27):
If you're not a sociopath thatit's impacted you, okay.
So you're drinking increasedabout it You're drinking
increased due to it.
A lot of people that have comeinto my coaching the past couple
of years.
It's like recovering from justthat and the amount of drinking
(15:49):
they started to do.
And still now, to this day,people are using alcohol to cope
with the way of the world,especially to again, I'm just
with America in particular justpolitics alone, and what
politics have become.
(16:09):
It's insanity and it's very,very sad.
Okay, I'm going to leave it atthat with politics, well, but I
just want you to see that therehas been an impact of the last
five years and there's nomotherfucker coming to us with
the government of being likehere, let's help you with what
(16:32):
just happened mentally, okay,nobody, it's on you to do that
for yourself and to heal fromthat right.
So again, just think about it.
But nowadays, it's well, youall pretend like it didn't
happen, in which it did, and Ijust want to give you that If
you are still your fight orflight, response or fall, it's
(16:54):
still fucked up over that.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I get it because it's weird,and in the past couple of weeks
I've been thinking about thatLike God damn, that was weird
what happened five years ago andI started this podcast like a
month before the world shut down.
So it's just like even two ofthe evolution of the past five
years of this specifically andwhat we've talked about.
(17:16):
So, yes, if you're stillrecovering from that or burnt
out from it, or your job gotbusier because there's been more
layoffs and you've had to domore responsibility, the burnout
going back to you don't needlike this huge rock bottom.
(17:39):
But your rock bottom is knowingthat alcohol is not good for
you and it's time for you tolive life without it and move on
from it, right?
So you can decide to step awayfrom alcohol at any time, simply
because you want to feel better, you want to think clearer and
(18:01):
you want to live more freely.
Maybe you want more energy,because alcohol depletes your
energy.
So, how to break free from grayarea drinking, if you're
realizing that your drinkingfalls into this area?
Right, you might be wonderingwhat now?
Courtney Bitch, tell me.
And here are some steps to helpyou break free.
(18:21):
Number one you need to gethonest with yourself.
You need to get honest withyourself.
No more judgment, right?
No more judgment of well, I'mnot like that.
Stop saying that.
Stop.
Yes, you are not like that.
But you have your own situationof what your relationship with
(18:42):
is with alcohol.
Again, this is where this goesback to that emotional dependent
.
You cannot think that you'rebetter because you are more high
functioning and I've said thisthrough a lot through these
years the high functioning onesare the worst, because that's
where that judgment comes inright.
So you need to take a real lookat how alcohol is making you
(19:05):
feel mind, body and soul.
You need to even take a look inthe rear view mirror and how
has alcohol really truly showedup in your life?
Okay, I'm going to give you thisexercise to do.
I'm not trying to triggeranybody, so if this starts
triggering you, then please stop.
But this is this is brutal,tough love, honesty.
(19:26):
I want you to write a list ofthings that you have done in
your like what's drinking?
Where has drinking taken you,even if that is just with
massive goddamn anxiety the nextday, and be like I don't have
any energy.
I don't have the capacity toplay with my kids, right, I have
missed their early days becauseI was in my cups.
Be honest with yourself.
(19:49):
Number two start experimentingwith some sobriety.
Okay, I'm not going to tell youto do challenges, because you
guys know how I feel about this.
I just want you to take it aday at a time.
Right, like how do I feelwithout it?
Keep going back to how you feelwithout it.
Find a community.
So sobriety circle is a good one.
(20:10):
If you want that, you've got tostart doing some things
differently, and a lot of peoplethink they can do this on their
own and, honestly, it's wayeasier with like-minded people.
And I have to say, majority ofthe women in the sobriety circle
in my group coaching community,they're all gray area drinkers
(20:31):
and they're all the same Highachievers, gray area drinkers,
realizing that enough is enough.
You need to start replacingthat habit.
Okay, identify what rolealcohol plays in your life
Stress release, social anxiety,right, like the coping and find
healthier ways to fill the gap.
And I'm going to tell you it'snot going to be easy those first
(20:53):
couple of weeks, because you'regoing to be going through a
fucking detox weeks, becauseyou're going to be going through
a fucking detox.
And you also need to realize howlong alcohol played in your
life.
How long was that relationshipin your life for 20 years, 30?
Right, 10?
, 5?
You need to look at it likeokay.
(21:14):
That's why I just suggest toeverybody give yourself some
grace, educate yourself, educateyourself.
Read some quit books.
You can always get mine.
I just read a good one calledDopamine Nation.
I will link it in the shownotes.
Everything I talk about I willlink in the show notes for you.
Dopamine Nation was a good onebecause it really, really,
(21:35):
really talks about the pain topleasure response in your brain
and how we're all just trying toescape the pain.
That is also why I went on atangent about what happened five
years ago, because that shookus all, a lot of people too.
I didn't even say it, but a lotof people lost somebody during
that time.
You know what I mean.
(21:55):
And then again it's like nowwe're just sitting here and it's
like not a lot of people talkabout the emotional toll that
that took on people, becausewe're on to the next.
So another one too.
I'm going to add number six intothis.
Okay, because this is like whenpeople go back, when they think
(22:16):
to themselves, like well, it'sbeen some time, right, it has
been some time since and it'sokay if I can drink.
This is where I am going tograb you and shake you, not
really hard, but just shake youa little bit and say to you you
(22:41):
have to remember in your journeywhere alcohol takes you.
So the pretending that thatnever happened doesn't work
anymore.
You have to connect on a dailybasis, especially those first
couple months, and then go on toa weekly basis and then maybe
go on to a once a month.
(23:03):
But you need to keep connectedto where alcohol took you and
stop forgetting it.
Stop letting your ego come upand be like, yeah, you can
handle it, no problem.
And I know sometimes too, whenpeople have slips, it's because
of unexpected things thathappened, that they had an
expectation of how it was goingto go, or, and then it didn't go
(23:24):
that way.
And I know it's really, reallyhard when you have, you're like
laser focused on on on somethinggoing the way that you had
planned, and then it doesn't,and it shakes you to your core
in the way that you had planned,and then it doesn't and it
shakes you to your core and it'swhat do I do now?
(23:46):
And it fucks you up or you hadan unexpected loss, right.
And that is where you have toreally really pause, take some
deep breaths and be like, okay,if you do slip that the next day
you need to just get back onthe horse and keep moving
forward and don't let that slipdefine you, but learn from it
and learn the lesson of it.
Of here it is, here it is again.
This is how I feel, but beforeyou get to that, that is why,
(24:11):
also, too, a community helps andsupport helps you to fucking.
Then you tap into that to remindyourself, but also to to pause
and be like what do I reallyneed right now and what can I go
to besides alcohol?
Should I just have some fuckingwater?
Just what?
My whistle with some waterright and take some deep
(24:33):
breathing, do some breathingexercises and really think to
yourself mentally what is thisgoing to solve?
If I drink, this is only goingto give me maybe one hour tops
of that pleasure, and then I'mgoing to be in fucking pain for
the next 23 hours and I'm goingto have to then, because I
(24:55):
introduced alcohol into mysystem, that then I'm going to
have to detox this and gothrough the whole process again
of detoxing alcohol, becauseyou're letting it into your
system and alcohol is a highlyaddictive substance and then
you're just going to want moreand more and more of it and
(25:17):
you're going to start feelingthe freedom, after about 30 days
, of being out of the cycle,when the want for it is not as
much as it once was, whereyou're not as much as thinking
about booze as you once were.
Okay, trust me, I'veexperienced this and I see it
too with women that I coach, andit happens it's 30 days, 60
(25:42):
days, 90 days, so on, and it isa process and you have to trust
it.
But I'm just here to remind youtoo, with the gray area drinker
people who don't have problemswith booze when they wake up in
the morning, they don't feelguilty.
With booze when they wake up inthe morning, they don't feel
guilty.
So if that guilt is coming overyou 90% of the time after
(26:04):
you're drinking, it's time tolive a life without it.
It is not going to get betterand especially, too, if you are
a woman over the age of 35, theshit is not going to get better.
It's just not.
And you know what, if you're 24, listening to this take it from
everybody who walked before youof this is not going to get
(26:26):
better.
It actually, for women, justgets worse because of hormones
and then of the perimenopausemenopause.
So, and you want to go intothat shit feeling your best, you
truly do so.
If you liked today's episode, Iwould love to hear what you
thought of today's episode.
(26:47):
Please shoot me a DM If youhaven't already.
Please rate, review andsubscribe to the show.
Share it with a friend if theycome up to you and they're like
I've been questioning myrelationship with alcohol.
Share it with somebody and, asalways, keep on trucking out
there and keep kicking ass.
And if you're in that cycle withthe gray area drinker, you have
(27:09):
to also too.
It's like how do you want toshow up?
Do you want to keep showing uplike this?
And if the answer is no, thenit's time to just completely
give it up.
Okay, and don't think of a yearfrom now, don't think of two
years from now, don't think ofthree years.
Just think of today.
(27:31):
And the best decision you canmake for yourself today is
giving up alcohol right andcontinuing to make choices that
support that lifestyle,especially in those first three
months.
So, because you got to stepback a little bit to help you
not drink, you just do.
(27:51):
You have to step back from acouple things, socially even, to
all the work that you take onthat kind of stuff, but that's
for another episode, another day.
So again, keep on trucking,kick ass out there, and I will
see you in the next episode.
Thank you.
Welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I am Courtney Anderson, yourhost and sober coach, and I am
here to help you navigate lifewithout alcohol and thrive.
You are listening to episode219, and today I got quite the
episode, and this was inspiredby a meeting I had a couple of
weeks ago in our sobriety circleand where we were talking about
(00:54):
gray area drinking.
Okay, I really do think, though, that gray area drinking can
fit into that category ofmoderation, but we're just going
to talk about gray areadrinking today.
Okay, so this is for you,especially if you've ever
wondered is my drinking reallythat bad or do I actually have a
(01:15):
problem?
Alcohol addiction, alcohol usedisorder, isn't always black and
white.
That's why, now, it is beingtalked about more on a spectrum,
and this is where the experts,whoever they are in the world,
have now expanded this intoalcohol use disorder and
alcoholism being on that farleft, right and all of in
(01:41):
between, on what you can, whatyou identify with right, like a
binge drinker, going into themoderation, going into the gray
area drinker.
So, in going into thisconversation, you really don't
have to hit a rock bottom.
Right For drinking to be aproblem.
(02:02):
Right for drinking to be aproblem.
However, I'm going to tell youI am a firm believer that rock
bottom is just your point ofwhen you have had it.
I have known people to have athousand and one rock bottoms.
Were they all terrible?
(02:22):
No, no, they weren't.
Were some terrible, absolutely.
But I truly just think thatthat rock bottom comes to a
moment where you're like, dude,I've had enough of this Time to
move the fuck on and time tomove the fuck on without alcohol
in my life.
So if this resonates with you,I hope you stick more around
(02:43):
because you're really go.
I'm going to be breaking it alldown for you and I hope you
enjoy this episode.
So what exactly is gray areadrinking?
It's between social drinkingand full-blown alcohol
dependence.
You might not need alcoholevery day, but when you do drink
you feel uneasy about it, right?
(03:03):
Maybe you set rules foryourself.
Here comes where that littlemoderation is coming in.
I only drink on the weekends.
I won't drink alone.
I won't do shots.
I will only stick to beer.
I will only stick to six ouncesof wine, but deep down in my
soul I'm like pissed because I'mnot having more than six ounces
(03:24):
of wine.
You might find yourself bendingthese rules.
Does any of this sound familiar?
And if you're nodding your headin your car or on your therapy
walk, I get it.
I get it because, I have to say, towards the end of my drinking
career which I have expressedmany times on this podcast I was
closer to a binge drinker.
(03:45):
You know what I mean and so Iunderstand, because even what
I'm listing and talking aboutright now it does take me back
to.
It's like yeah, I mean, I didthis to myself too.
This is towards the end,especially that last year and a
half of my drinking this is whatI was eventually getting myself
(04:06):
to to then eventually just sayno more drinking alcohol.
So gray area drinkers oftendon't fit into the traditional
idea of a quote unquotealcoholic.
They might be high achievers,successful in their career,
showing up with their families,mom's, doing the most right, but
alcohol is still taking up waytoo much mental energy.
(04:26):
I laugh because this is true,because once you get out of the
cycle, that is when you see itwhere you're like holy balls.
I have spent way too much timeand energy thinking about
alcohol, thinking about when mynext drink is right, and then
you see the amount of control itactually had over you.
(04:49):
I know people don't like to saythat the substance doesn't have
a control over them, but itdoes, and you will see it when
you are out of the relationshipwith it.
You may feel anxiety aboutdrinking, regret the choices the
day after, even try to cut back, but the struggle to do so is
consistently, and that is thatcycle that you get into, which
(05:12):
is awful.
So let's talk about signs.
You might be a gray areadrinker.
There's a ton of red flags.
Okay, you often wake up feelingguilty about how much you drank
the night before.
You tell yourself you'll justhave one or two, but that rarely
happens.
You take breaks from drinking.
(05:32):
This is a huge one, becausethis is too like what we talked
about on our sobriety circle,meaning you take breaks from
drinking, but once you go back,it's like you never stopped and
it gets worse.
It's like you never stopped andit gets worse.
Seriously, I will scream thisfrom the rooftops of my house,
where then my neighbors will belike what the fuck is this bitch
(05:54):
doing?
But so many times with people,they will take a break from
drinking, go back and it will beworse than what it was, and
that's only going to continue.
I have yet to found a personwho has had a problematic
(06:14):
relationship with alcohol andthen takes time off of drinking
and goes back to it and theyended up where they originally
began and it's worse than whatit was.
You're not physically dependent,but alcohol plays a big role in
your life.
Then you like to think this iswhere I say that a lot of people
are emotionally dependent on it.
(06:36):
You keep questioning yourrelationship with alcohol, but
talk yourself out of it, ofmaking a big change.
I want to say this too you alsoare seeking validation from
others when let me rephrase thisyou will ask others or share
with somebody that you have adrinking problem or have a
question in your relationshipwith alcohol, or maybe to ask
(06:57):
them and they are like what areyou talking about?
No, you don't have a, you'renot an alcoholic.
That's what it always goes backto.
No, you're not an alcoholic,you don't have a drinking
problem.
What are you talking?
You're the best mom, you havethis fucking amazing career, you
hold down the fort.
I envy you, right?
And then you seek thatvalidation like okay, I don't
(07:20):
have a problem.
I'm going to tell you thisright now Stop asking fucking
people if you have a problemwith relationship, I want you to
have a problem with alcohol.
Because they're going tofucking tell you you don't have
a problem with alcohol.
If your inner voice has beentelling you for years, something
is not right here, stop askingothers.
(07:42):
There is so often time thatprofessionals therapists,
doctors that women are tellingthem that they might have a
problem with alcohol and thesedoctors are telling them they
don't because they're notfollowing the standard of well,
how many drinks have you had perweek?
Okay, we all lie.
And seriously, the therapistswho are telling these women and
(08:03):
men too, I'm sure I just know alot of women of what I've been
told that when they address thiswith their therapist and the
therapist was like no, no, no,you don't have a problem with
relationship.
Fucking stop.
This is what people are payingyou for to fucking listen to
them.
And this one pisses me off likebeyond, fucking beyond.
Go fire your therapist.
(08:23):
Actually, if they are tellingyou you don't have a problem
with alcohol, when you'readdressing this to them Because
guess what, nobody who has aproblem with alcohol is bringing
this up to a professionaltherapist I'm like winded.
This pisses me off so bad.
Why would somebody make thisshit up.
(08:48):
Who wants a problematicrelationship with alcohol, if
any.
You want to be normal.
You don't want to feel guilt atthe end of the day or the day
after for fucking drinking.
God, there's going to be a lotof profanity in this one, but
it's true, like I mean.
Listen, I know there are peopleout there who are unwell.
(09:09):
Okay, there's people out therewho will fake a cancer diagnosis
for sympathy and like all ofthe bullshit and the bad in the
world that you hear.
But honestly, I really highlydoubt that there's somebody out
there trying to fake a drinkingproblem.
So therapy, their therapist, ifyou're listening, and your
client comes to you and says,motherfucker, I think I have a
(09:32):
drinking problem, listen and sayexpand on it.
Whatever you do in therapytalks right.
My therapist, before I fired herwhen I was still in my active
relationship with alcohol, thebitch was right.
She said do you ever think thatyou need to give up drinking?
And I fired her because she wason to me.
Okay, it's just one of thosethings she knew.
(09:54):
She knew, she saw through me,she understood.
You're pretty aware You'veworked on this a lot of your
life because I have been intherapy since I was, I don't
know in middle school.
You know what I mean.
I had the awareness but it wasthe one thing that kept me in
this pocket and being stuck andit kept self-sabotaging and
(10:15):
destructive my life.
So bravo to that therapist, whoshe saw through me.
So if any of these of what Ijust said before I went on the
tangent of the therapy talk andthe professionals, if any of
these hit home to you, justremember you're not alone.
There are, I have to say, Ifeel like there's so many more
(10:37):
of these gray area drinkers thanthere are of the quote unquote
extreme alcoholics.
Right Again, your rock bottomis when you've had enough with
alcohol, when you're when youhave had enough of the feeling
like this and wanting to get outof that cycle, and when you
(11:00):
keep going back to booze and yousee that it's not, it's not
changing, it's not gettingbetter, right, then that's when
you're like, okay, I just needto give it up and I get it and
the process.
You have to keep giving it up,but when you keep doing the
dance with it, you're going tokeep being in that cycle.
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So what is the impact of grayarea drinking?
So here's the thing Gray areadrinking might not look like a
crisis from the outside, but ittakes a toll.
(12:50):
It can affect your mentalhealth, your sleep, your
confidence, right, because whenyou keep doing the thing that
you've been doing, it is goingto.
And alcohol for everybody.
It's a self-esteem depleter,man, because then you're waking
up the next day in the cycle andyou're like what the fuck, what
is wrong with me and the deluluthat alcohol has over you and
(13:13):
that just totally fucking ripsyou to shred and gives you no
clarity and the decisions youmake in your drinking, right,
and the 2 am cries with snotbubbles.
It's a lot, it is not good andit can even too fully affect
your ability to be fully present, right, you might find yourself
using alcohol to cope withstress or anxiety and over time
(13:36):
it can become that cycle that'sreally hard to break.
I want to say this right now andthis is not a lot of people
talk about this the past fiveyears, because this episode will
air on April 3rd.
I want you to think about whereyou were five years ago,
(13:56):
seriously.
I want you to think about whereyou were five years ago.
The state of the world.
We were all in a motherfuckinglockdown and now nobody's
talking about the stress and theimpact this had A lot of that
time, during COVID, a lot ofpeople their alcohol usage
fucking skyrocketed.
(14:17):
There was emotional trauma thathappened, physical trauma.
If you listen to me and mysister's episode last week of
LOT, we talked about how thatpandemic was the start to the
end of the baby boomergeneration and totally fucked
them up.
And it fucked a lot of peopleup and there has to be time to
recover and heal from a globalpandemic.
(14:41):
And this is nothing political,but what that did to human
beings in this world.
The amount of trauma that wasin the news, the amount of
trauma that was happening allover the world and it burned a
lot of people fucking out.
There were a lot of parents whodid not want to become teachers
, right.
There was a lot of people whowas impacted by that financially
(15:05):
.
There was a lot of people whoit actually people relapsed
because it took away theirday-to-day structure.
Now, post-covid times, look athow just the world has changed.
Your job has changed.
You know fatigue on being onfucking Zoom calls, all of it.
There is so muchpsychologically that has
happened, mind, body and soul tothe human being.
(15:27):
If you're not a sociopath thatit's impacted you, okay.
So you're drinking increasedabout it You're drinking
increased due to it.
A lot of people that have comeinto my coaching the past couple
of years.
It's like recovering from justthat and the amount of drinking
(15:49):
they started to do.
And still now, to this day,people are using alcohol to cope
with the way of the world,especially to again, I'm just
with America in particular justpolitics alone, and what
politics have become.
(16:09):
It's insanity and it's very,very sad.
Okay, I'm going to leave it atthat with politics, well, but I
just want you to see that therehas been an impact of the last
five years and there's nomotherfucker coming to us with
the government of being likehere, let's help you with what
(16:32):
just happened mentally, okay,nobody, it's on you to do that
for yourself and to heal fromthat right.
So again, just think about it.
But nowadays, it's well, youall pretend like it didn't
happen, in which it did, and Ijust want to give you that If
you are still your fight orflight, response or fall, it's
(16:54):
still fucked up over that.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I get it because it's weird,and in the past couple of weeks
I've been thinking about thatLike God damn, that was weird
what happened five years ago andI started this podcast like a
month before the world shut down.
So it's just like even two ofthe evolution of the past five
years of this specifically andwhat we've talked about.
(17:16):
So, yes, if you're stillrecovering from that or burnt
out from it, or your job gotbusier because there's been more
layoffs and you've had to domore responsibility, the burnout
going back to you don't needlike this huge rock bottom.
(17:39):
But your rock bottom is knowingthat alcohol is not good for
you and it's time for you tolive life without it and move on
from it, right?
So you can decide to step awayfrom alcohol at any time, simply
because you want to feel better, you want to think clearer and
(18:01):
you want to live more freely.
Maybe you want more energy,because alcohol depletes your
energy.
So, how to break free from grayarea drinking, if you're
realizing that your drinkingfalls into this area?
Right, you might be wonderingwhat now?
Courtney Bitch, tell me.
And here are some steps to helpyou break free.
(18:21):
Number one you need to gethonest with yourself.
You need to get honest withyourself.
No more judgment, right?
No more judgment of well, I'mnot like that.
Stop saying that.
Stop.
Yes, you are not like that.
But you have your own situationof what your relationship with
(18:42):
is with alcohol.
Again, this is where this goesback to that emotional dependent
.
You cannot think that you'rebetter because you are more high
functioning and I've said thisthrough a lot through these
years the high functioning onesare the worst, because that's
where that judgment comes inright.
So you need to take a real lookat how alcohol is making you
(19:05):
feel mind, body and soul.
You need to even take a look inthe rear view mirror and how
has alcohol really truly showedup in your life?
Okay, I'm going to give you thisexercise to do.
I'm not trying to triggeranybody, so if this starts
triggering you, then please stop.
But this is this is brutal,tough love, honesty.
(19:26):
I want you to write a list ofthings that you have done in
your like what's drinking?
Where has drinking taken you,even if that is just with
massive goddamn anxiety the nextday, and be like I don't have
any energy.
I don't have the capacity toplay with my kids, right, I have
missed their early days becauseI was in my cups.
Be honest with yourself.
(19:49):
Number two start experimentingwith some sobriety.
Okay, I'm not going to tell youto do challenges, because you
guys know how I feel about this.
I just want you to take it aday at a time.
Right, like how do I feelwithout it?
Keep going back to how you feelwithout it.
Find a community.
So sobriety circle is a good one.
(20:10):
If you want that, you've got tostart doing some things
differently, and a lot of peoplethink they can do this on their
own and, honestly, it's wayeasier with like-minded people.
And I have to say, majority ofthe women in the sobriety circle
in my group coaching community,they're all gray area drinkers
(20:31):
and they're all the same Highachievers, gray area drinkers,
realizing that enough is enough.
You need to start replacingthat habit.
Okay, identify what rolealcohol plays in your life
Stress release, social anxiety,right, like the coping and find
healthier ways to fill the gap.
And I'm going to tell you it'snot going to be easy those first
(20:53):
couple of weeks, because you'regoing to be going through a
fucking detox weeks, becauseyou're going to be going through
a fucking detox.
And you also need to realize howlong alcohol played in your
life.
How long was that relationshipin your life for 20 years, 30?
Right, 10?
, 5?
You need to look at it likeokay.
(21:14):
That's why I just suggest toeverybody give yourself some
grace, educate yourself, educateyourself.
Read some quit books.
You can always get mine.
I just read a good one calledDopamine Nation.
I will link it in the shownotes.
Everything I talk about I willlink in the show notes for you.
Dopamine Nation was a good onebecause it really, really,
(21:35):
really talks about the pain topleasure response in your brain
and how we're all just trying toescape the pain.
That is also why I went on atangent about what happened five
years ago, because that shookus all, a lot of people too.
I didn't even say it, but a lotof people lost somebody during
that time.
You know what I mean.
(21:55):
And then again it's like nowwe're just sitting here and it's
like not a lot of people talkabout the emotional toll that
that took on people, becausewe're on to the next.
So another one too.
I'm going to add number six intothis.
Okay, because this is like whenpeople go back, when they think
(22:16):
to themselves, like well, it'sbeen some time, right, it has
been some time since and it'sokay if I can drink.
This is where I am going tograb you and shake you, not
really hard, but just shake youa little bit and say to you you
(22:41):
have to remember in your journeywhere alcohol takes you.
So the pretending that thatnever happened doesn't work
anymore.
You have to connect on a dailybasis, especially those first
couple months, and then go on toa weekly basis and then maybe
go on to a once a month.
(23:03):
But you need to keep connectedto where alcohol took you and
stop forgetting it.
Stop letting your ego come upand be like, yeah, you can
handle it, no problem.
And I know sometimes too, whenpeople have slips, it's because
of unexpected things thathappened, that they had an
expectation of how it was goingto go, or, and then it didn't go
(23:24):
that way.
And I know it's really, reallyhard when you have, you're like
laser focused on on on somethinggoing the way that you had
planned, and then it doesn't,and it shakes you to your core
in the way that you had planned,and then it doesn't and it
shakes you to your core and it'swhat do I do now?
(23:46):
And it fucks you up or you hadan unexpected loss, right.
And that is where you have toreally really pause, take some
deep breaths and be like, okay,if you do slip that the next day
you need to just get back onthe horse and keep moving
forward and don't let that slipdefine you, but learn from it
and learn the lesson of it.
Of here it is, here it is again.
This is how I feel, but beforeyou get to that, that is why,
(24:11):
also, too, a community helps andsupport helps you to fucking.
Then you tap into that to remindyourself, but also to to pause
and be like what do I reallyneed right now and what can I go
to besides alcohol?
Should I just have some fuckingwater?
Just what?
My whistle with some waterright and take some deep
(24:33):
breathing, do some breathingexercises and really think to
yourself mentally what is thisgoing to solve?
If I drink, this is only goingto give me maybe one hour tops
of that pleasure, and then I'mgoing to be in fucking pain for
the next 23 hours and I'm goingto have to then, because I
(24:55):
introduced alcohol into mysystem, that then I'm going to
have to detox this and gothrough the whole process again
of detoxing alcohol, becauseyou're letting it into your
system and alcohol is a highlyaddictive substance and then
you're just going to want moreand more and more of it and
(25:17):
you're going to start feelingthe freedom, after about 30 days
, of being out of the cycle,when the want for it is not as
much as it once was, whereyou're not as much as thinking
about booze as you once were.
Okay, trust me, I'veexperienced this and I see it
too with women that I coach, andit happens it's 30 days, 60
(25:42):
days, 90 days, so on, and it isa process and you have to trust
it.
But I'm just here to remind youtoo, with the gray area drinker
people who don't have problemswith booze when they wake up in
the morning, they don't feelguilty.
With booze when they wake up inthe morning, they don't feel
guilty.
So if that guilt is coming overyou 90% of the time after
(26:04):
you're drinking, it's time tolive a life without it.
It is not going to get betterand especially, too, if you are
a woman over the age of 35, theshit is not going to get better.
It's just not.
And you know what, if you're 24, listening to this take it from
everybody who walked before youof this is not going to get
(26:26):
better.
It actually, for women, justgets worse because of hormones
and then of the perimenopausemenopause.
So, and you want to go intothat shit feeling your best, you
truly do so.
If you liked today's episode, Iwould love to hear what you
thought of today's episode.
(26:47):
Please shoot me a DM If youhaven't already.
Please rate, review andsubscribe to the show.
Share it with a friend if theycome up to you and they're like
I've been questioning myrelationship with alcohol.
Share it with somebody and, asalways, keep on trucking out
there and keep kicking ass.
And if you're in that cycle withthe gray area drinker, you have
(27:09):
to also too.
It's like how do you want toshow up?
Do you want to keep showing uplike this?
And if the answer is no, thenit's time to just completely
give it up.
Okay, and don't think of a yearfrom now, don't think of two
years from now, don't think ofthree years.
Just think of today.
(27:31):
And the best decision you canmake for yourself today is
giving up alcohol right andcontinuing to make choices that
support that lifestyle,especially in those first three
months.
So, because you got to stepback a little bit to help you
not drink, you just do.
(27:51):
You have to step back from acouple things, socially even, to
all the work that you take onthat kind of stuff, but that's
for another episode, another day.
So again, keep on trucking,kick ass out there, and I will
see you in the next episode.
Thank you.
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