March 27, 2025 • 56 mins
Episode 218: LOTE: Seasonal Depression and Catching up with the Elledge Sisters
In episode 218 of the Sober Vibes podcast, the Elledge sisters return with a new episode of Livin on the El-Ledge, a show within a show.
Courtney and Kimberly discuss living with seasonal depression, family health crises, and maintaining sobriety through life's most challenging moments. We explore how the Michigan winter blues affect our mental health and share strategies for coping when sunshine feels like a distant memory.
What you will learn in this episode:
• Seasonal depression hits hard in Michigan winters, with months of gray skies affecting mood and motivation
• Kimberly and Courtney both experienced significant health challenges this winter, with pneumonia, flu, and other illnesses compounding seasonal blues
• Navigating parent-child relationships as parents age and facing mortality in healthy ways
• The importance of being present and showing up consistently in recovery, even when others still view you through the lens of your past
If you want Kimmy and Courtney to discuss specific topics or answer questions for this season of the podcast, please send a direct message or email and let us know what you want us to discuss!
Thank you to our Sponsor:
As a show listener, you receive 20% off your order with EXACT NATURE. Make sure to check them out and support the show. Click here to shop and save 20% off with code "SV20. Free shipping on all orders!
Listen to episode 129 with Thomas White to learn more about CBD.
Resources Mentioned:
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- Website → www.courtneyrecovered.com
Remember: You are strong. You are capable. You are not alone. Keep thriving! Thank you for listening!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Courtney Andersen (00:02):
This is Courtney.
This is Kimberly.
You are listening to the showwithin the show Living on the
L-Edge.
Come live with us.
We're talking about the road torecovery and sobriety and how
to vibe and maintain a happy andhealthy lifestyle.
Hey, welcome back to anotherepisode of the Sober Vibes
(00:25):
podcast.
You are actually listening tothe show within the show, living
on the L Edge.
We are finally back for seasonsix.
Sister, we're back.
Baby, did you guys miss me?
I bet, I bet you did, and thisis episode 218.
Sister, I've missed talking toyou via podcast, even though we
(00:48):
talk almost every day yeah,pretty much Other than the past
couple months when we'vedisassociated or have had
fucking the plague, correct.
Or you burning your eyes out,bro, that was ridiculous.
It was Because I think we weresupposed to record that day or
the next day, and then youburned your eyes out at work.
(01:13):
You guys, there was an on-workaccident that happened.
Now I see why people have toget the workman's comp Because,
fuck, I was at work it's aFriday night, we're starting to
get into a busy night and I hadto use some spray behind the bar
and then I went to go changethe chemicals for the dishwasher
(01:34):
and oops, went the dynamite myeyes.
And then it just progressivelygot worse.
But like I had to get taken outof work and go to the urgent
care and they had to flush myeyes.
What hurt more that?
Or when you had that allergyattack when you were going to
Orlando for my 40th and you werelike your eyes were all fucked
(01:56):
up from allergies because yourwinkies were like popping on
that plane.
Yeah, that was, that was awful.
That was an allergy attack thatI've never had, because I've
never had allergies in my wholelife.
That was awful.
That lasted the whole day,ruined my lunch.
I couldn't even open my eyes.
It was awful.
(02:16):
No, the chemical burndefinitely hurt.
I mean, when I called you Icouldn't even open my eyes.
She really couldn't.
Her papers were wild and justburnt, burnt.
That really sucked.
I had to lay down y'all, butthen I couldn't lay down and
close my eyes because it hurtworse.
So I was just like wanderingout my apartment like a fucking
zombie.
Drexel, I couldn't settle down.
(02:40):
Yeah, I couldn't even hardlytake him outside.
I opened the door and was likego piss anywhere, go ahead
Anywhere you like young blood,because I can't see anything.
So literally out of sight, outof mind.
Ain't no thing, ain't no thing.
But we're back, baby, we'reback.
So if you and if you, the goodpeople of the world, when Kimmy
(03:05):
and I was about to call you TitiIf you want Kimmy and I to talk
about anything or answer any ofyour questions, shoot in for
this season of the podcast.
Please send us a DM or email meand let us know what you want us
to chit chat about.
Yeah, 100%, let us knowCourtney's DMs, my DMs, the
(03:38):
show's DMs, whatever.
However, we're available.
Kimmy and I kind of wanted totalk about because we both get
it and it's like we both arecoming out of it, and I can tell
in the wintertime when Kimstarts going through her
seasonal depression, you can, Imean sometimes, yeah For sure,
(03:58):
it's just a vibe I get from you.
Yeah, because I'm fucking overit, bro, and I know this is very
common for people and it can bean emotional roller coaster and
even to going into it like it'sall fun and games, I'm fine,
and then January, a week or twoafter the New Year's, hits, and
then it's like Jesus.
(04:27):
So if you live in a state whereyou experience that and there's
hardly any sunshine, it is notfor the weak.
No, I usually do good until theend of February, beginning of
March.
Then I start to get real antsy.
The past couple of weeks I'vebeen wanting to crawl out of my
skin.
It's just vitamin D, the lackof, and just being cooped out
out.
And my sister knows me, I lovethe sun man, so the sun popped
(04:48):
out a couple of times in mywinter eyes.
I went outside to go sun gazeand it's, you can't even open
them and look at natural light.
I was like my neighborsprobably think I'm insane.
I'm like literally like hissingat the sun because it just
hurts so bad, because we don't,we don't get the sun all winter.
It's just like doom and gloomfor six months December, january
, february, march.
(05:08):
Yeah, we're going into thefifth month here and we're over
it y'all.
It's like a real thing.
When people say seasonaldepression, I get it.
And then in Michigan everyonestarts to get antsy and moody,
everyone's moody, yeah.
So if a nice day happens, it'sholy shit and you see people out
and about and just the changeof the mood.
So yeah, and to when you startsaying that you need to go on a
(05:32):
vacation, that's when I'm like,especially around this time or I
need to go to the beach.
That's when I can tell with youthat you're, you're in.
Yeah, I'm about to book aflight and I'm going to the
beach.
I'm out of here, dude, I can'ttake this shit anymore.
And the older I get, the more Isee that it is.
(05:52):
I understand the snowbird.
I guess I do kind of say thatwhen I start getting antsy, I
start looking up beach vacationsand like Bora Bora and shit,
and that's nice, and I'm justreally ready to just risk it all
and have my sister send me mywhole savings account and say,
fuck it.
Yeah, like a couple of weeksago, when you were bringing up
(06:13):
Thailand, I was like, oh, herewe go, yes, thailand, cause I'm
going, I gotta go, I just can't.
It's too much for me.
I literally, and it's likeeveryone's cooped up and I live
alone, just me and little Drexel.
And if you're new to the show,little Drexel's my son, my
French bulldog, and I'm ready toleave him behind.
(06:35):
I don't even give a shit.
I've been with him all winterand I'll see you in two weeks.
Little Drexel, I gotta go, yeah.
Well, and this winter was hardtoo.
I mean it was for myself withseasonal depression.
It definitely was.
As you guys know, on Good Peopleof the World or if you're in my
(06:56):
sobriety circle or myone-on-one culture, this was the
first year of being as sick asI have ever been in my life and
I side-eyed thatthree-and-a-half-year-old
dictator.
Yeah, you guys were sick a lot.
We were sick January with that.
Well, you had walking pneumonia.
(07:17):
No, it wasn't walking, I hadstraight-up double lung
pneumonia.
It was in this one lung andthen it moved over.
You guys, if you've ever workedso sick like I, was sick over
Christmas, so I really didn'thave a Christmas, I spent it
alone in bed.
But I worked for two weeks likethe holidays, which no shade, I
(07:38):
really am a fucking animal.
But I do not remember workingtwo weeks out of December
because I was so fucking sickand I just did it.
I don't know how I did that,but my body went into fight or
flight Because if you're in theservice industry, you don't give
up those two weeks, you justdon't do it.
So everyone was sick and Istarted going down and then I
(07:59):
ended up.
I had because that cold seasonthis year was nuts Like
bronchitis, pneumoniaitis,pneumonia, rsp, all this shit.
Well, I got hit with thepneumonia and well, and, and I,
yes, and then, after a month ofthat, I remember you saying too
that you were like depressedbecause of, and I felt so bad
because tt kimmy, who was tt cjcollege, kimmy t the dictator,
(08:26):
and she kind of came over forChristmas and she called me and
just was like crying on thephone.
I really felt bad.
I felt bad, yeah, because Ireally do like Christmas.
Yeah, because now we have ourlittle tradition with our China
cafe and laying around Right,laying around in our PJs and
just eating snacks and we do ourgift exchange and it's not
(08:47):
about that, but it's fun.
You guys are the only ones whogive me a gift.
So I really look forward tothat.
I know, kim, this year wepacked you some boxes.
When Kim finally came over tocelebrate.
We're like man, you really comeup over here.
I did.
We got her like three different12 packs of beverages, yep, and
(09:13):
that was fun, but I did feelbad for you.
So you had that like January wehad that respiratory not full
blown of pneumonia, but we hadrespiratory stuff that lingered
throughout the three of us.
And then February had thatfucking God awful flu and with a
touch of gallstones added intome.
(09:34):
And then March, we just twoweeks ago just had that stomach
flu and that went through allthree of us.
That was awful.
Yeah, you guys have been downfor the count.
Yeah, so like for me these pastthree months it was like, okay,
by the time I started feelingbetter, I'm like, okay, get to
start doing this, this and this.
(09:55):
And then it was like and then aweek and a half, two weeks
later, we're all sick withsomething else again.
So I kind of rode that wave andwas in a lot of low pockets.
Yeah, it wasn't the best winter, I would say, since we've all
smoked glass, good people, butwe are survivors.
So we just kept it moving.
(10:16):
But there were a couple lowpoints.
Christmas was definitely abummer for me because my sister
and I have spent over the yearsway back when we've spent like a
couple of Christmases alone.
So it was like a little bittriggering and it was just like
it was lonely, it sucked and Iwas so fucking tired from
working I just had an emotionalcrash out and then, just being
(10:37):
so sick, you're just like Godand then you just don't have
anyone to like like close totake care of you kind of, or to
like help, and you're just like,fuck, you really just got to go
at it alone.
But it's fine, I did it.
But I am looking forward forthis weather to break because
I'm about to be outsidemotherfuckers, yeah, yeah, and
(11:01):
also in February too, my sisterand I our whole family got some
news.
That is sad and we had toprocess that.
Yeah, which was also verytriggering.
Yeah, our father was diagnosedwith stage four kidney cancer.
(11:22):
So in February we found thatout stage four kidney cancer.
So in February we found thatout.
And was that?
Yes, that was the beginning ofFebruary where it all started.
Was it January?
No, no, no, it was February.
It was the week of the SuperBowl, yeah, so Kimmy and I have
(11:43):
been kind of on an emotionalroller coaster of that as well.
So the good news is because I'msure there will be many of you
who reach out and say very, verykind things and we appreciate
it.
But the good news is is that hestarted his treatments and
we're just going to keep itpositive, keep it positive, keep
(12:04):
it moving and just call, reachout and offer love and support
and spend as much time with ourdad that we can, but definitely
we're blessed at our age tostill have our parents still
here.
But it just it brings up like alot of old stuff and then it's
there's a lot of emotions toprocess.
So we've been dealing with that, that, yep, I'm for sure,
(12:27):
fucking going to thailand I needto go sit with a fucking
buddhist and go and swim in thesea.
I don't give a shit.
But what a good thing about myfamily.
It's like we do rally and thereis love for each other.
There we're just, we try ourbest and then just navigate
(12:49):
through with whatever needs tohappen.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Well, there's no handbook too.
There's a couple of things inlife there's zero handbooks on
but and that is, and I'm suresomebody wrote a book on it.
But watching your parents' ageis very, it's a very interesting
(13:10):
thing, especially too becausemy sister and I have talked
about this For the boom, boomgeneration, that pandemic did
not help their quality of life.
It didn't help a lot ofpeople's quality of life, but
especially for that generation Ihave seen it not just with our
parents but other people'sparents it just wasn't good
Watching your parents age,especially, I think, for you and
(13:32):
I particular in these past twoyears.
It's hard.
It accelerated their agingprocess.
Yes, it accelerated their agingprocess and you you can kind of
just tell that there was a linewas crossed in that.
No, like in that process, you,and if you are experiencing this
(13:53):
with your parents, please reachout again and let us know,
because it's just very hard towatch your parents age and we
are very fortunate age and weare very fortunate.
Besides, we haven't had, we'vehad loss in friends, right, and
our, our babysitter I meanthat's almost how we were like
(14:19):
introduced to death with suicide, right, but we have not
experienced tragedy of losingsiblings or parents at a young
age, right.
So we are very fortunate tostill have our parents in our
40s, and Kim and I have talkedabout this for like hours on the
phone, but it is, it's justvery difficult to watch your
parents age.
(14:39):
Yeah, it's sad.
I mean we all know that.
It's like everyone knows likethe cycle of life, but then it's
like when you're you'rewatching it and you're seeing
like just it's just how quicklyand how much like something can
progress and change someone andthen or heighten who they really
(14:59):
are, and then those tendenciescome out and it.
It's scary, it's frustrating,it's sad.
Obviously it's like a grievingprocess that starts, and not
saying that they've given my dada timeline or anything, but
when you get such devastatingnews, like it's like stage four,
like that's a slap in the face,fuck, and how scary that must
(15:21):
be for your parents and it's alot to take on, especially if
you take on like all of theemotions and all of the energy.
So, yeah, it's been a wild ride.
There have been some nights ofdisassociation where it's just
like Jesus Christ, yeah and well, kimmy, we have been over there
(15:43):
a lot on Sundays.
Kimmy took a knee this pastSunday, I took a knee the
previous Sunday and then I wentover there this Sunday.
I mean, we've been there.
Our mom gave us some greatadvice too.
Debbie always comes through inthat stuff, but she just because
she had lost her father when hewas diagnosed with lung cancer.
He passed away within asix-month time and we lived in
(16:05):
Texas at the time.
So she just she gave goodadvice and just told me what did
she say?
She just said she said,courtney, she was like I'm just
talking from experience and shewas like we were in Texas when I
got that news and she was likeI just wish we, if we lived
closer, I would have been overthere every week.
So she just encourage you tospend as much time with your dad
(16:27):
as possible.
Mm-hmm, yeah, it's justwatching the parents age and you
look back on your life and Idon't know.
(16:59):
Since this news, I know Kim andI and I felt and I thought about
this our conversations,becoming a mother have had to
work out some mommy and daddyissues.
But I feel like since this news, it makes sense for a lot of
things but also to have moreempathy towards our parents and
(17:31):
just meeting them at with.
We've had a conversation ofit's just, I feel, with my
parents.
I don't need to say much tothem.
It's not like we need to havelike big, long talks with dad.
Let's go back to 40, 44 yearsof history, right?
No, thank you, fucking no,thank you.
We're good, we don't.
There's nothing.
(17:54):
And, like you said, write him aletter.
My dad does not do well withcommunicating like deep emotions
and like real life hardship andalways his own mortality has
always, I think, scared the shitout of him.
So I'm not going to load onsome shit and I'm not like
resentful towards dad?
Do I like to throw a littleshade and talk a little shit?
Fuck, yeah, but it's all fromlove and it's my truth, it's
(18:14):
your truth, like it's the truth.
So I'm not going to changehistory or whatever, but now I
do come from like a loving placewith our parents, obviously,
like I'm very patient with them,I'm very forgiving with them,
and no, I'm not gonna.
I don't believe in loading,piling something on and now's
not the time.
Yeah, now's not the time.
(18:37):
Yeah, I think my, I think myturn was having more empathy and
just now, it's okay.
You know what?
At this point, we're just goingto be friends.
I don't need you to parent, Idon't want to go through history
.
I will write my letter, becausethat's the way I'm going to get
(18:59):
it out to him, and the letteris going to say more of I love
you.
Yeah, I love you.
You did the best you could.
I have no hard feelings, right,I'll see you on the other side,
bro.
So it's just one of thosethings I just now, I just like
something turned in me and Ijust feel like in 2025, of what
(19:21):
I want to do more of iscultivate more of deeper
connections and present timewith my family and my close
friends.
Yeah, and mom and dad, they didthe best that they could and
they are boomers.
So what they were shown wascompletely different.
They didn't really have thetools and it just comes from a
(19:44):
different time.
It is what it is, but seasonfive, what the fuck are you
saying?
Season one, two, three, four,five, we throw a little shade,
but that's because, yeah, but Iit is what it is.
I understand, I'm not likeregretful of anything I said.
Those episodes are still up forthe gym pops to listen to.
I'm not, I don't, I'm justsaying I felt like reflecting.
(20:08):
I felt like it was becausesometimes these conversations on
these episodes, it's therapy.
This is like a dear diary entry, sometimes with my sister.
So it was just working throughthat emotion and there was anger
there on my part.
Yeah, no, I hear you, I get it.
(20:29):
But then when you hearsomething of a parent getting
sick and it's just okay and thenit just comes more from the
compassion inside of just ahuman being.
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Yeah, because that cannot be anygood news that you would want
to hear.
I mean we all gathered me andmy siblings on a Sunday with my
stepmom, bernice, who loves myfather dearly, and having my
(22:19):
father gather us all and deliverthat news.
I mean we sat there in that denfor four hours.
There were some emotional lowsand there were some highs
because it was devastating.
But we turned it into a littlecharcuterie board Sunday
afternoon and just made it aboutfamily.
But for him to have to deliverthat news I mean the poor guy
(22:40):
couldn't even spit out the words.
His wife had to take over for aminute because he had to
Telling your four kids andlooking us in the face.
That was probably very hard forhim.
And then it got to the point.
I think it was oh, he looked alittle overwhelmed when, like
sitting there, like being verypresent, that was first time
like I've seen my dad thatpresent and and taking it all in
(23:01):
.
I mean that was a lot for him.
So I felt all of that from him.
It was like a direct line ofemotions, that was just like
coming to me from him and I feltawful because it was.
That was the realest that lifegets right there, the real deal.
We dealt with it as a familyhow the best to our capability
(23:25):
and I think we did prettyfucking good.
Yeah, yeah, that talk Idefinitely.
I went, went into, I went intofight mode.
Like I told my sister that evenlike leaving, leaving that his
house, I was like, oh, that wasa really nice visit and then
driving home, I was like, oh,that was a really nice visit,
but we just found out our dadhas stage four cancer.
(23:48):
Like trucking along listeningto music, I'm like this is
really weird to be in the, thisfeeling of like really enjoying
the time just spent butunderstanding why we're there.
So after three days, Idefinitely that adrenaline wore
off and then I totallydisassociated for a day.
(24:09):
Yeah, that was a mindfuck.
I'm sure that bubble popped,probably what felt like a pink
cloud.
I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, thisis reality and we've been just
going through it.
So that's what Sister Kimmy,sister Courtney have been going
(24:30):
through.
Yeah, we're just out here,trying our best dude, trying,
just waiting for the sun tofucking come out, please God, oh
man.
But going back to the seasonaldepression, we're in spring At
least, though.
Now that we're in spring, I canlike deal, like today it was
gray and I can at least dealwith it, knowing we are out of
(24:52):
winter.
Yeah, it's 30 degrees outsideright now.
It's fucking freezing and it'sgoing to be like this all week,
like I have had it up to here,good God.
So what do you want more andwhat's your goal for 2025?
What intentions do you have,sister?
(25:12):
My intention is to actuallystart traveling more again,
right, because this redundantrut of just like working,
working, working and just likecoming home and no, we're about
to be done with that.
So I'm traveling, even if it'slike I switched up my schedule.
Obviously we're going to seehow these treatments go with my
(25:33):
dad and what's going on with hisbody, because I don't know five
weeks or six weeks or somethingof treatment.
So I don't want to go somewhereinternational and something.
I just want to see how his bodyreacts to this.
So I'm like laying low, but I'mso for that, just to make sure
he's good and to be local.
And I switched up my schedulebecause on Sundays I really have
been like I've been going to mybrother, chad's, I've been
(25:54):
hanging out with Courtney, Iwent, took my.
It's been a lot of tapping inwith the family, which is great,
and my niece and nephews, whichI love them all, and just
tapping in and being present andbeing mindful and working
through these emotions ofwhatever is going on in the
family unit, healthy and notspiraling.
(26:17):
I love it, yeah, because I meanthere's no reason to spiral and
I mean, yes, it's a big reason,but we have the tools to like
navigate through something in ahealthy manner.
I would like to never have todeal with a loved one's death
like I did with grandma's,because I was a fucking menace.
(26:40):
You were a menace.
That was not the best at all.
Have we ever shared that onthis podcast?
I don't think so.
Oh well, I've never wanted that.
I didn't know what if youcarried a lot of shame or guilt
about that.
But so I, I don't know, yeah, Idon't anymore.
I mean, I was acting a fullblown act of addiction and
(27:02):
mourning because I was dealingwith that, for with grandma, for
a year and a half of flyingdown back and forth and then
dealing with mom and Aunt Kathythose two fucking degenerates
and in that sense of how theywere dealing with their mother,
which was not in a respectfulmanner.
So I was like a lot of shit wasgetting put on me and so I
(27:22):
wasn't dealing with it well,because I wasn't in a healthy
state of being, and I was alsomourning grandma because and her
and I relationship, so thatthat one was very, very tough
for me.
Yeah for sure, you guys, I didnot land in Orlando, florida, in
the best state of mind.
No, I was on like Can I?
(27:47):
You were fucked up and I wassix weeks into a sobriety
journey.
Yeah, I have never smoked somany cigarettes before in my
life.
I was just like one after theother.
Yeah, you were.
You were definitely like whiteknuckling it, oh God.
(28:10):
But yes, I was a fucking pureoncoming out flying in hot and I
mean hot from Denver, colorado,on a fucking week-long bender.
I don't think I had slept.
Oh, I slept.
I passed out at the gate and Imissed two flights and finally
was able to get out of flightand then made it to Orlando
(28:30):
straight to go to a funeral homeand I was okay at the funeral
home for the wake, but the nightof nope, it was not good.
I was a menace in the hotel.
I fucking blacked out frommartinis at Red Lobster and
Courtney ended up.
Security ended up callingCourtney upstairs and they had
to come get me because I wasswimming naked in the hotel pool
(28:53):
.
This is a story from the street.
Okay, I mean, this episodetoday of LOT is all over the
place, but this is let meinterject here this is a story
from the streets.
Yeah, totally.
And how this bitch got in thispool area is beyond Because,
(29:15):
like when I was with securitytrying to get her, I'm like what
the fuck?
Because it was an indoor pooland they close at a certain hour
so they lock everything down.
But this bitch ninja'd her waythrough the kitchen and somehow
ended up in the pool and isdoing backstrokes.
(29:38):
I'm there being like what thefuck.
And my mom's next to me and myAunt Kathy being, and my mom's
like Courtney, courtney, how didshe get in there?
My mom was more taken back ofhow she got in there and I'm
just watching my sister fuckingswim backstrokes naked Like what
is this?
(29:59):
After I went through thekitchen and was making myself a
snack before then I was behindthe closed hotel bar making
myself a drink, yeah right, andthey had this bitch on fucking
security camera.
I'm just like what is this?
I was like the Hamburglar inthe fucking what?
The Embassy Suites in Orlando.
(30:27):
My brother was disgusted, chadwas disgusted yeah, he really
was.
And Chad disgusted is.
It's a hard place to be aroundChad when he's like that, and
especially when you're on thereceiving end of it, but and
when you're seeing it too,because you're just like okay.
So Chad was disgusted, he wentin hot into the hotel room to be
(30:48):
like I think he yelled at you.
And then, and even too, mybrother that day told me before
he left he's.
I highly suggest you get on aplane with me if you want to
keep your sobriety intact.
I was like but we're going toDisney tomorrow, right, we're
going to Walt Disney.
And we went to listen.
It was 12 hours where I was amenace and could not.
I just fucking spiraled.
I was on a full on bender.
(31:09):
I don't remember half of it.
I was on like antipsychoticstoo at the time because I was
seeing this shrink who wasover-medicating me and it was a
full-on SR-22 drinking blackout,like coming off of a cocaine
bender.
It was awful, right.
So she felt bad, she missed mygrandma's the burial part, and
(31:32):
so she didn't attend anythingand I wasn't going to kick a dog
while they were down.
So it's just like I can't.
And then the next day we went toDisney and all was good.
Yeah, we did.
I rallied and got it togetherand went to Disney and then went
to threw some flowers in theocean at New Smyrna for my sweet
(31:54):
Jer Bear, and then, yeah, butit took me a long time to
forgive myself for that one,because it was rowdy, you guys
rowdy.
How I did not get arrested orkicked out of that hotel, I have
no clue.
No clue because I was a menace.
Yeah, no clue Because I was amenace.
Yeah, well, I got a personalkick out of it when my mother
(32:15):
and my Aunt Kathy were trying totame this beast in the hotel
room and she like lunged at myaunt and my mom and I was like
laughing, just leave her alone.
I'm like stop antagonizing,stop trying to talk to her, stop
, just leave her alone.
She will tuck herself out soonenough.
The door is locked at thispoint, after we got you back
(32:38):
from the fucking security guard.
Just shut the fuck up you twoand leave her alone.
Yeah, because I was also veryangry with them and over them,
like I didn't know I know faceswhen I even landed in Florida,
because they were just soterrible with how they dealt
with everything.
Yeah, and I can't remember whowas like.
(33:00):
I think at one point your motherwas like bear hug.
Oh, this is just pure comedy.
It's comedy because we lived it.
Yeah, we were there, right,right, I never been so hung over
though that was awful.
I was like, oh my god, can youimagine the anxiety?
No, but, and sure enough,though, after my mother and my
(33:25):
aunt finally backed off, becauseI was like I don't know what
you two are trying to do rightnow.
That doesn't even make anysense.
And so she did.
Kim finally tuckered herself out, did a couple circles and then
found a bed and passed out.
Right, courtney knows the deal.
She knew the deal.
Dude, leave her alone.
God bless, yeah, because I meanI had just lived it for years,
(33:48):
fucking just six weeks shy, well, anyways.
So, yes, this time, handlingthese situations and listen,
it's, everybody processes things, but it makes it a lot easier
to process things not in thatstate of mind, yeah, when you're
(34:12):
not a goddamn the femaleversion of Hunter S Thompson
coming in.
Oh shit, I bet if I brought upthis story to Chad now, he'd
still be fucking disgusted.
Oh Chad, he would be sodisgusted.
But again, and then that'swhere this is hard Like when you
start seeing your parents age.
Right, this is where this ishard, because it's like there's
(34:35):
some, there's some parents whonever made it to 70 and 75, 70,
about to be 71 and 75.
So, for, for now, it's justlike our, our parents so far
have had a good life.
I like that's how I've justI've been able just to be like.
This is part of the deal.
Like this is life.
Nobody makes it out of herealive.
(34:57):
And I don't mean to sound, and Idon't mean to sound morbid when
it comes to that, because a lotof people don't want to talk
about death, but this is thereality.
It is.
And maybe we're more fucked upabout it because, again, how we
(35:18):
were introduced to death it waswith a suicide in our home,
right, right.
But also, too, our mother hasalways been so spiritually
connected where it's like and Ihad to tell my mom this when I
told her about my dad'sdiagnosis, I said I don't worry
about you.
She looked at the same thing toher.
Yeah, she like looked at mesurprised, like where are you
going?
What do you mean?
You don't worry about me?
And I'm like no.
I said the same thing to her.
Yeah, she looked at mesurprised, like what do you mean
?
You don't worry about me?
And I'm like, no, I don't worryabout you when it's your time
to go home.
I said, because that has alwayscost about death and that you
(35:42):
knew you were going to a happyplace.
Yeah, you're going home.
And then she was veryappreciative.
She said I have always saidthat I was like, yes, mom, we
listen to you.
Yeah, we've listened to youtalk our whole lives.
Yes, we do listen.
That's the one thing thatactually resonated.
So it wasn't.
It's not like a scary thing.
Some people just, ie, my fatherdon't even want to, he doesn't
(36:06):
even go into funerals, so, likehis, it's got to be very scary
when you just I'm with my mom,like Michael, like when it
happens I'll probably be like110, but when it because I am a
cockroach and but I'm not scaredand the goal for me is to not
(36:28):
have to come back here I'mgliding through the cosmos.
Kimmy's trying to say that sheis not soul tied to anybody, but
you are soul tied to me.
Yeah, I'll catch you when youfinally don't have to come back
here.
But no, I want to learn all ofthe lessons this life so I do
(36:49):
not have to come back and do itall over again.
That is my goal on this planet.
This time and at Kim's funeralI'm going to say that at the end
and scene I'm going to say andjust to let you know, this bitch
is never coming back.
She's not Period, so she'sriding the cosmos and she's
(37:14):
happy.
Okay, yeah, I'm a starseed baby, I ain't coming back here, nope
, so don't try for me.
Argentina, period, and justmake sure you douse my whole
body in fucking my favoriteperfume so I smell good While
I'm comet tripping up there,please, oh man.
So I'm comet tripping up there,please, oh man.
So, yeah, so that's our twisted.
(37:37):
It's not even twisted, it'sjust the truth and the reality.
We have been comfortable abouttalking about death, but I think
that's just how we wereintroduced to it at an early age
and give a lot of credit to ourmother when it comes to that
spiritual side, yeah, of beingconnected, and the way she's
talked about it.
Yeah, because she's definitelyhad to like help us through and
(38:01):
she had to come to her own likeway about it.
Especially when you'reintroduced to death in such like
a traumatizing way, yeah, andit's a lot of as children
they're still developing theirbrain Like you got to wrap your
head around a lot.
It's like even in that death itwas like, oh, she's at peace
now, she's not such a tortured,tormented soul.
(38:24):
Like realizing that when you're11 and 12, like that's a.
That's an interesting pill toswallow.
Yeah, we all have our own viewsand it's however you handle it
and deal with it, but comingthrough, I think the moral of
the fucking story is we'rerunning for winter to be over.
We are.
That was this conversation.
Welcome back L-O-T-E Season six.
Baby, we're out here.
(38:44):
Baby, we might have to do.
Kim and I are planning a littlestaycation.
What are we going to?
Probably move that to May.
Now, you know when we should dothat.
We should do that over MemorialDay weekend, yeah, that's fine.
Sunday, whenever, wheneveryou're free, I'm good.
(39:08):
On Sundays, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we should do that.
That's when we should do a livestream of the podcast.
We could totally.
Courtney needs a staycation.
I'm taking her down to the MGMGrand Casino Spa in Detroit, so
we're going to do a little spaday and order some room service.
Get me to a table please.
(39:30):
It's been years.
Yeah, courtney likes.
She likes her little slots andwhatever.
Whatever the fuck you like.
What do you like?
I like burlap, oh, no, slots.
I don't.
I don't get the.
I don't.
I mean, I'll play a coupleslots, but I don't get the.
I don't get the love peoplehave this to slots.
(39:51):
I don't know either.
I've never won on slots, likewhen people have went big.
I'm like, how did you do that?
How much money did you have topump in to get like four to five
thousand dollars out?
Or did you just hit, like theslots?
I don't understand, and I feellike some people have strategy
behind slots.
Yeah, they do, and I think alot of those people have
(40:14):
gambling problems.
So I don't think which noshade's another addiction.
If anyone's out there sufferingfrom a gambling addiction,
that's also got to be a toughone, but I've never.
That has got to be the hardestone.
Gambling, yes, kim, I mean,think of that.
Come on, you're just losing.
All of your money is just goingto gambling.
(40:38):
Yeah, I mean, if you have adrug addiction, usually all your
money is going to drugs too,but like gambling, that's just
such a cycle, and to anyaddiction is a cycle.
I mean it's, I know, but withthe one with when it comes to
money, though, like same thingwith eating, right, what is the
(41:01):
lie?
Because could you look at,could you get hits of dopamine
off of spending, like then goingfrom gambling to shopping, like
it's, I don't know, because youhave to spend money.
But you got to spend money, tospend it on alcohol or drugs or
sex or everything.
It's got to feed an addictionwith money.
Yes, but I'm talking about thegambling addiction, like it's
(41:26):
centered clearly around money.
You know what I mean.
It's like same thing, like sexaddiction.
That one also it blows my mindbecause it's okay.
Then what is your if you starthaving sex again?
Like, what is your bottom Right?
Do you know what I mean?
Because it's if you starthaving sex.
Couldn't that then end uptriggering you then to continue
(41:49):
to go down?
How do you control that?
I guess?
Yeah, I mean it's allmanagement and quality of life
and a lot of, be it therapy orstep work or whatever you need
to do to control.
But I get it because, like withdrugs and alcohol, you take
that out of the equation so youdon't have to deal with it on
the daily.
Exactly and same thing with food.
(42:11):
It's again you have to eat tolive and you and I've had fucked
up relationships with food.
So, like when a food addictionis somebody's main one, my heart
goes out to them because it'sthat one is just it's a hard one
because you have to makechoices every fucking day to eat
(42:32):
.
I mean, this winter, Idefinitely was taking solace in
some emotional eating, and thescale definitely shows.
So I'm turning it around.
It actually started turningaround today and starting
working out again and beingmindful again.
But if you don't like how weare with food, if you don't, if
I don't, keep it mindful andjust let it go.
(42:53):
It escalates quickly and overthe winter full and just let it
go.
It escalates quickly and overthe winter it definitely was
going down a path where I wastaking solace in food and
fucking snacks and that goddamnUber Eats.
I mean, nobody should beallowed to order a fucking
32-ounce Slurpee at 2 am, but Iwas, and it just was like just
(43:17):
sitting there and that addictbrain kicks in and you're like
fuck, I need something.
So it's tough, so you just gotto stay on it, but I snapped the
fuck out of it and we're back,baby, we're fucking back,
anyways.
So I'm going to get my fix.
I don't have a gambling issue.
I do like, though, to gamble,and it's been quite some time.
(43:40):
It has been quite some time.
I remember when one person toldme when this was like a man and
I were going to go to thecasino and this was early on in
my sobriety and they're like,you need to be careful with that
.
And I was like Jesus Christ,not everything is an addiction,
okay, or a trigger.
Or a trigger Like I like togamble a couple times a year.
(44:02):
I haven't done it in years,years, pre-2020.
So I am ready and I go to thecasino more than you and I'm not
even.
Yeah, but that's the wholething, not everything.
And it's just because you'vehad an issue with a substance or
something doesn't mean thenyou're going to have that
everything's.
Anything that is addictiveYou're going to have an issue
(44:26):
with.
So let some people live.
Yeah, whatever works for you.
And yeah, it's like I couldn'teven see you being even having a
problem with gambling becauseof how you are with money.
I cannot wait, yeah, so we'regoing to go have a little
staycation and have a littleslumber party.
It's going to be fun.
Drexel's going to come becauseI can have dogs at this
(44:48):
magnificent hotel.
I've stayed there before withmy piece of shit ex and it was
fun, but we're going to go havea good time.
It's a nice hotel.
They do a nice job there At theMGM.
Yeah, yeah, like I, and I'mgoing to fucking live.
I'm going to go get me a steakand lobster, oh shit, okay, we
(45:11):
are living for the the one night, two day extravaganza there.
Yeah, I'm down, dude, I'm withit.
I am sleeping in, do notdisturb.
Oh, I know how you roll inhotels, don't worry, I won't.
You might spit on me again, kim,that was because I'm so fucking
(45:36):
hungover.
That St Patrick's Day parade,where it was like a mariachi
band coming in these brightfluorescent colors, it was
bizarre, that was awesome.
It was the most bizarre thingthat I, one of the most bizarre
things that I've ever witnessed,where I'm like I am the
Twilight Zone.
That's just because you were sohungover Right At my brother's
(45:56):
wedding.
Yeah, that was me, dan and Iwere talking about that.
The Twilight Zone, that's justbecause you were so hungover
Right At my brother's wedding.
Yeah, that was me, dan and Iwere talking about that.
The other day I was like isn'tit funny how the Elledge sisters
are the ones who showed up, andwe always show up, the Elledge
sisters, and everyone thinkswe're going to be the biggest
menaces, even to this day, andthen we show up and are actually
like the fucking kindest, mostsympathetic human beings.
(46:20):
And then people are stillsurprised what the fuck is your
problem?
Even in like full blownaddiction, I've shown up in ways
that I couldn't even believe,whereas, wow, you really aren't
a piece of shit.
Same with my sister, but wehave this stigma on us because
we are, these party chicks.
But we always did the rightthing and did right by people.
But people are always like, ohGod, here they come.
And sometimes yes, that was thecase, but during, minus my
(46:44):
grandmother's funeral, the dayshe was buried, for the most
part, we fucking show up and dothe right thing.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder, withthat, it's like why are you
still stuck on a version of mefrom at this point now, 15 to 15
(47:04):
, 20 years ago?
Do you know what I mean?
It's what?
Why are we still stuck there?
And same thing for you, likewhy?
It's what have I?
Let's talk about the last fiveyears of how I've consistently
shown up.
Right, you can even go back to10 years, but it's just like why
do people have that association?
You know what I mean?
I mean, like the past eightyears, I have consistently
(47:26):
fucking shown up, shown up, andthen, every once in a while,
someone which will be someone inmy family ie a family member or
maybe like an old friend andthey'll say some fucking shit
and throw some shade and I'mlike hold on.
Now I say something.
I'm like hold on, like I havenot done that and I've
consistently showed up and I'mnot out here to prove nothing to
(47:48):
any of you fucks anymore,because before I was doing that
because I was overcompensatingfor what I wasn't doing in
addiction or overcompensatingfor, like lies, the fucking
eight plates I had spinning inthe air.
Like now I'm not doing thatanymore.
So watch your mouth, do notfucking throw that at me,
because when I throw it back,it's your feelings are going to
(48:09):
get hurt.
But I choose not to be that wayanymore and have that slick ass
tongue.
I don't want to hurt anyone'sfeelings, but you fucking come
for me.
We're matching energy here, sobe prepared if this is how you
want to deal with me, becausenow I just won't deal with you.
Yeah, fuck off.
Period, god.
(48:31):
People play too much, it is true.
But this also, too, hashappened to my husband, where
the last year, I've had to sayto him, like some of these
people are still pinning you toan old version of yourself that
you haven't been and they don'tknow that about you because they
haven't really been around youin this new version, and maybe
(48:55):
that, sometimes, maybe thatspeaks true to me and you
sometimes, maybe, where it'sjust like you haven't been
around somebody in this newversion of themselves to really
understand that they're not thatsame person.
And you need to drop thatassociation when they keep
showing you who they currentlyare.
(49:15):
Well, after years, years, years, figure it the fuck out, bro.
Yeah, and dudes and dudettes,like figure it the fuck out.
It's not like it's just beenmonths or a couple years years,
so let's not get it twisted here.
No, I mean, I agree, I agree,sister, all right.
(49:39):
Well, this is a goodconversation.
How'd you feel about this chat?
Pretty good, all right.
Good people of the world.
I know this was more supposed tobe about seasonal depression
disorder, but it turned intojust kind of a cluster of what's
been up, yeah, what's been up,what's been popping, if you guys
, seasonal depression's a bitch.
So that is really the thing.
(50:00):
It is true, it is a thing, andwe can attest for it here in
real time.
So we're doing our best, we'rewaiting for the sun, and that's
what I mean, Like you lived outfor Denver for those years, so
you really can tell what's to bein that sunshine for that many
amount of days.
And then when you I mean whenyou came back to move back to
(50:22):
Michigan, how did you adjust?
I hated it.
I was like, oh my God, becausein Colorado it's 360 days of
sunshine a year.
Even when it's cold, like evenwhen it's snowing, the sun's out
.
So that's why people therethey're always out like doing
shit.
And then coming back, you'relike, oh God, like even people's
like attitudes, like I stilldon't adjust well, because, but,
(50:43):
like I said, I do good untilabout March.
And then I'm, like you said, Istart talking about vacations
and then I go on one becausethat is just the vibe, because I
start like crawling in my skina little bit because it's just
cooped up and me, you and I havebeen together our whole lives.
What do I do on vacation?
Lay by the pool, yeah, or onthe beach and just I don't want,
(51:09):
I just want, I just take in therays.
It's probably not the best formy skin, but, like I, it's my
favorite thing in life to do islay in the sun with a book, with
a magazine and just fuckinglook at water.
That is my favorite thing inlife to do the best.
The other day, matt was like isKim coming with us to Disney and
(51:29):
for 2025?
I said yeah.
I was like, but we're going togo to Epcot one day and I said
Kim's not going to come with usand he goes.
We're going to go to Epcot oneday and I said Kim's not going
to come with us and he goes.
What's she going to do?
I said, Matt, she will lay bythe pool and have a ball Right,
like when you guys went toDisney Springs out, matt, you're
(51:49):
not coming.
I was like, no, I'm just was attwo parks two days, like I am
laying by the pool, I amrelaxing, laying by the pool, I
am relaxing.
He is a person who likes to dothings on vacay.
And I have been like, no, Ineed to do nothing one day.
I can do nothing for seven days.
(52:10):
I can be the biggest piece ofshit you've ever met and just
wake up, go have some breakfastand go straight to the beach and
that is where I will be until,like my friend Nina, I showed
her in Miami.
I was like I'm going down tothe beach, like where I don't, I
don't need to go do two, I justI flew here for the water,
that's what I flew here for.
Yeah, well, that's definitelybeen an adjustment for Matt and
(52:33):
I.
When it comes to vacay, yeah,you guys both have to meet in
the middle, because you can be apiece of shit, like me too, and
we can just lay.
But I also live a veryfast-paced lifestyle.
I do not stop.
This fucking circus does notstop.
So when I go, it's like I'mtaking in all the elements to
refuel my body.
Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, I getit, I understand it and I'm not
(52:59):
apologetic about it at all.
I didn't even, maybe back in theday before or before, I read
Courtney's codependent no moreher favorite book.
Oh my God, yes, oh my God.
Good people of the world I amso sorry to interrupt you
because you brought it up Goodpeople of the world.
Did you get her?
(53:20):
So, finally, I was likecatching up last week with
emails.
I found the email and I emailedher point of contact back.
I was like, hey, I'm so sorry.
I know I was supposed to reachout in January.
I'm just seeing if she's stillavailable to do a podcast
interview.
She died.
(53:41):
Are you serious?
Yeah, melanie Beatty.
Rip.
Rest in peace, sweet prince.
And I say that with suchsincerity, like for real, yeah,
honestly.
But her book and I, number one,felt like a huge asshole because
I didn't even hear about it.
And then I was like, oh my God,what a gift that we.
(54:06):
How old was she?
She was in her 70s.
I didn't ask the person how shedied.
She sent me her obit, but itwas on the New York Times and
the New York Times you have tofucking pay for a subscription
in there.
And I was like I couldn't evenread it.
But she did say, let me pull itup real quick.
Because then I went onto herInstagram.
(54:28):
But, man, what a gift to haveher work forever with us.
So I liked this, so said onfebruary 27th at 10 pm, just as
a new moon fell into pisces, mybeautiful mother, melody beady,
passed away.
She died peacefully at home,surrounded by family and loved
ones.
(54:48):
My mother was never afraid todie.
Why should I be?
I'm going to see god, I'll bereading, I'll be reunited with
your brother and I'll finallyget to meet my favorite person,
moses.
Her fearlessness was a greatcomfort to me and in her final
weeks.
During one of our lastconversations I leaned in close
to her and asked where are yougoing, mom?
(55:10):
She turned toward me and smiledI'm going on a miraculous new
adventure.
I'll miss you.
Godspeed Escalated quickly.
Sorry, jesus Christ, courtney,I'm sorry but that's the problem
.
Oh, so if you have not readCodependent, no more.
(55:39):
I will put the link in the shownotes and, like that book
forever changed me and reallyhelped me with codependency and
understanding it and reallydetach from love.
So rest in peace, sweet Melody.
Yeah, rip, because that book wasa tool for me as well and I my
sister definitely shoved it downmy throat and I'm so glad that
she did, because it is a work ofart.
God, that's sad.
(56:01):
Well, god bless her.
But again, there's anothergreat attitude on what's on the
other side after life.
Yeah, it's all come full circle.
It really has All right.
It really has All right.
Well, if you haven't yet, makesure to rate, review and
(56:23):
subscribe to the show or followI think now it's following
instead of subscribing butsubscribe whatever app you
listen to so you make sure younever miss an episode of Sober
Vibes and to a show within theshow Living on the L Edge, titi
Kimmy.
What up?
That was the most chaoticconversation.
I love it.
I'm here for it, all right.
Well, we'll be back in Aprilwith a new episode.
(56:45):
All right, peace out.
This is Courtney.
This is Kimberly.
You are listening to the showwithin the show Living on the
L-Edge.
Come live with us.
We're talking about the road torecovery and sobriety and how
to vibe and maintain a happy andhealthy lifestyle.
Hey, welcome back to anotherepisode of the Sober Vibes
(00:25):
podcast.
You are actually listening tothe show within the show, living
on the L Edge.
We are finally back for seasonsix.
Sister, we're back.
Baby, did you guys miss me?
I bet, I bet you did, and thisis episode 218.
Sister, I've missed talking toyou via podcast, even though we
(00:48):
talk almost every day yeah,pretty much Other than the past
couple months when we'vedisassociated or have had
fucking the plague, correct.
Or you burning your eyes out,bro, that was ridiculous.
It was Because I think we weresupposed to record that day or
the next day, and then youburned your eyes out at work.
(01:13):
You guys, there was an on-workaccident that happened.
Now I see why people have toget the workman's comp Because,
fuck, I was at work it's aFriday night, we're starting to
get into a busy night and I hadto use some spray behind the bar
and then I went to go changethe chemicals for the dishwasher
(01:34):
and oops, went the dynamite myeyes.
And then it just progressivelygot worse.
But like I had to get taken outof work and go to the urgent
care and they had to flush myeyes.
What hurt more that?
Or when you had that allergyattack when you were going to
Orlando for my 40th and you werelike your eyes were all fucked
(01:56):
up from allergies because yourwinkies were like popping on
that plane.
Yeah, that was, that was awful.
That was an allergy attack thatI've never had, because I've
never had allergies in my wholelife.
That was awful.
That lasted the whole day,ruined my lunch.
I couldn't even open my eyes.
It was awful.
(02:16):
No, the chemical burndefinitely hurt.
I mean, when I called you Icouldn't even open my eyes.
She really couldn't.
Her papers were wild and justburnt, burnt.
That really sucked.
I had to lay down y'all, butthen I couldn't lay down and
close my eyes because it hurtworse.
So I was just like wanderingout my apartment like a fucking
zombie.
Drexel, I couldn't settle down.
(02:40):
Yeah, I couldn't even hardlytake him outside.
I opened the door and was likego piss anywhere, go ahead
Anywhere you like young blood,because I can't see anything.
So literally out of sight, outof mind.
Ain't no thing, ain't no thing.
But we're back, baby, we'reback.
So if you and if you, the goodpeople of the world, when Kimmy
(03:05):
and I was about to call you TitiIf you want Kimmy and I to talk
about anything or answer any ofyour questions, shoot in for
this season of the podcast.
Please send us a DM or email meand let us know what you want us
to chit chat about.
Yeah, 100%, let us knowCourtney's DMs, my DMs, the
(03:38):
show's DMs, whatever.
However, we're available.
Kimmy and I kind of wanted totalk about because we both get
it and it's like we both arecoming out of it, and I can tell
in the wintertime when Kimstarts going through her
seasonal depression, you can, Imean sometimes, yeah For sure,
(03:58):
it's just a vibe I get from you.
Yeah, because I'm fucking overit, bro, and I know this is very
common for people and it can bean emotional roller coaster and
even to going into it like it'sall fun and games, I'm fine,
and then January, a week or twoafter the New Year's, hits, and
then it's like Jesus.
(04:27):
So if you live in a state whereyou experience that and there's
hardly any sunshine, it is notfor the weak.
No, I usually do good until theend of February, beginning of
March.
Then I start to get real antsy.
The past couple of weeks I'vebeen wanting to crawl out of my
skin.
It's just vitamin D, the lackof, and just being cooped out
out.
And my sister knows me, I lovethe sun man, so the sun popped
(04:48):
out a couple of times in mywinter eyes.
I went outside to go sun gazeand it's, you can't even open
them and look at natural light.
I was like my neighborsprobably think I'm insane.
I'm like literally like hissingat the sun because it just
hurts so bad, because we don't,we don't get the sun all winter.
It's just like doom and gloomfor six months December, january
, february, march.
(05:08):
Yeah, we're going into thefifth month here and we're over
it y'all.
It's like a real thing.
When people say seasonaldepression, I get it.
And then in Michigan everyonestarts to get antsy and moody,
everyone's moody, yeah.
So if a nice day happens, it'sholy shit and you see people out
and about and just the changeof the mood.
So yeah, and to when you startsaying that you need to go on a
(05:32):
vacation, that's when I'm like,especially around this time or I
need to go to the beach.
That's when I can tell with youthat you're, you're in.
Yeah, I'm about to book aflight and I'm going to the
beach.
I'm out of here, dude, I can'ttake this shit anymore.
And the older I get, the more Isee that it is.
(05:52):
I understand the snowbird.
I guess I do kind of say thatwhen I start getting antsy, I
start looking up beach vacationsand like Bora Bora and shit,
and that's nice, and I'm justreally ready to just risk it all
and have my sister send me mywhole savings account and say,
fuck it.
Yeah, like a couple of weeksago, when you were bringing up
(06:13):
Thailand, I was like, oh, herewe go, yes, thailand, cause I'm
going, I gotta go, I just can't.
It's too much for me.
I literally, and it's likeeveryone's cooped up and I live
alone, just me and little Drexel.
And if you're new to the show,little Drexel's my son, my
French bulldog, and I'm ready toleave him behind.
(06:35):
I don't even give a shit.
I've been with him all winterand I'll see you in two weeks.
Little Drexel, I gotta go, yeah.
Well, and this winter was hardtoo.
I mean it was for myself withseasonal depression.
It definitely was.
As you guys know, on Good Peopleof the World or if you're in my
(06:56):
sobriety circle or myone-on-one culture, this was the
first year of being as sick asI have ever been in my life and
I side-eyed thatthree-and-a-half-year-old
dictator.
Yeah, you guys were sick a lot.
We were sick January with that.
Well, you had walking pneumonia.
(07:17):
No, it wasn't walking, I hadstraight-up double lung
pneumonia.
It was in this one lung andthen it moved over.
You guys, if you've ever workedso sick like I, was sick over
Christmas, so I really didn'thave a Christmas, I spent it
alone in bed.
But I worked for two weeks likethe holidays, which no shade, I
(07:38):
really am a fucking animal.
But I do not remember workingtwo weeks out of December
because I was so fucking sickand I just did it.
I don't know how I did that,but my body went into fight or
flight Because if you're in theservice industry, you don't give
up those two weeks, you justdon't do it.
So everyone was sick and Istarted going down and then I
(07:59):
ended up.
I had because that cold seasonthis year was nuts Like
bronchitis, pneumoniaitis,pneumonia, rsp, all this shit.
Well, I got hit with thepneumonia and well, and, and I,
yes, and then, after a month ofthat, I remember you saying too
that you were like depressedbecause of, and I felt so bad
because tt kimmy, who was tt cjcollege, kimmy t the dictator,
(08:26):
and she kind of came over forChristmas and she called me and
just was like crying on thephone.
I really felt bad.
I felt bad, yeah, because Ireally do like Christmas.
Yeah, because now we have ourlittle tradition with our China
cafe and laying around Right,laying around in our PJs and
just eating snacks and we do ourgift exchange and it's not
(08:47):
about that, but it's fun.
You guys are the only ones whogive me a gift.
So I really look forward tothat.
I know, kim, this year wepacked you some boxes.
When Kim finally came over tocelebrate.
We're like man, you really comeup over here.
I did.
We got her like three different12 packs of beverages, yep, and
(09:13):
that was fun, but I did feelbad for you.
So you had that like January wehad that respiratory not full
blown of pneumonia, but we hadrespiratory stuff that lingered
throughout the three of us.
And then February had thatfucking God awful flu and with a
touch of gallstones added intome.
(09:34):
And then March, we just twoweeks ago just had that stomach
flu and that went through allthree of us.
That was awful.
Yeah, you guys have been downfor the count.
Yeah, so like for me these pastthree months it was like, okay,
by the time I started feelingbetter, I'm like, okay, get to
start doing this, this and this.
(09:55):
And then it was like and then aweek and a half, two weeks
later, we're all sick withsomething else again.
So I kind of rode that wave andwas in a lot of low pockets.
Yeah, it wasn't the best winter, I would say, since we've all
smoked glass, good people, butwe are survivors.
So we just kept it moving.
(10:16):
But there were a couple lowpoints.
Christmas was definitely abummer for me because my sister
and I have spent over the yearsway back when we've spent like a
couple of Christmases alone.
So it was like a little bittriggering and it was just like
it was lonely, it sucked and Iwas so fucking tired from
working I just had an emotionalcrash out and then, just being
(10:37):
so sick, you're just like Godand then you just don't have
anyone to like like close totake care of you kind of, or to
like help, and you're just like,fuck, you really just got to go
at it alone.
But it's fine, I did it.
But I am looking forward forthis weather to break because
I'm about to be outsidemotherfuckers, yeah, yeah, and
(11:01):
also in February too, my sisterand I our whole family got some
news.
That is sad and we had toprocess that.
Yeah, which was also verytriggering.
Yeah, our father was diagnosedwith stage four kidney cancer.
(11:22):
So in February we found thatout stage four kidney cancer.
So in February we found thatout.
And was that?
Yes, that was the beginning ofFebruary where it all started.
Was it January?
No, no, no, it was February.
It was the week of the SuperBowl, yeah, so Kimmy and I have
(11:43):
been kind of on an emotionalroller coaster of that as well.
So the good news is because I'msure there will be many of you
who reach out and say very, verykind things and we appreciate
it.
But the good news is is that hestarted his treatments and
we're just going to keep itpositive, keep it positive, keep
(12:04):
it moving and just call, reachout and offer love and support
and spend as much time with ourdad that we can, but definitely
we're blessed at our age tostill have our parents still
here.
But it just it brings up like alot of old stuff and then it's
there's a lot of emotions toprocess.
So we've been dealing with that, that, yep, I'm for sure,
(12:27):
fucking going to thailand I needto go sit with a fucking
buddhist and go and swim in thesea.
I don't give a shit.
But what a good thing about myfamily.
It's like we do rally and thereis love for each other.
There we're just, we try ourbest and then just navigate
(12:49):
through with whatever needs tohappen.
Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Well, there's no handbook too.
There's a couple of things inlife there's zero handbooks on
but and that is, and I'm suresomebody wrote a book on it.
But watching your parents' ageis very, it's a very interesting
(13:10):
thing, especially too becausemy sister and I have talked
about this For the boom, boomgeneration, that pandemic did
not help their quality of life.
It didn't help a lot ofpeople's quality of life, but
especially for that generation Ihave seen it not just with our
parents but other people'sparents it just wasn't good
Watching your parents age,especially, I think, for you and
(13:32):
I particular in these past twoyears.
It's hard.
It accelerated their agingprocess.
Yes, it accelerated their agingprocess and you you can kind of
just tell that there was a linewas crossed in that.
No, like in that process, you,and if you are experiencing this
(13:53):
with your parents, please reachout again and let us know,
because it's just very hard towatch your parents age and we
are very fortunate age and weare very fortunate.
Besides, we haven't had, we'vehad loss in friends, right, and
our, our babysitter I meanthat's almost how we were like
(14:19):
introduced to death with suicide, right, but we have not
experienced tragedy of losingsiblings or parents at a young
age, right.
So we are very fortunate tostill have our parents in our
40s, and Kim and I have talkedabout this for like hours on the
phone, but it is, it's justvery difficult to watch your
parents age.
(14:39):
Yeah, it's sad.
I mean we all know that.
It's like everyone knows likethe cycle of life, but then it's
like when you're you'rewatching it and you're seeing
like just it's just how quicklyand how much like something can
progress and change someone andthen or heighten who they really
(14:59):
are, and then those tendenciescome out and it.
It's scary, it's frustrating,it's sad.
Obviously it's like a grievingprocess that starts, and not
saying that they've given my dada timeline or anything, but
when you get such devastatingnews, like it's like stage four,
like that's a slap in the face,fuck, and how scary that must
(15:21):
be for your parents and it's alot to take on, especially if
you take on like all of theemotions and all of the energy.
So, yeah, it's been a wild ride.
There have been some nights ofdisassociation where it's just
like Jesus Christ, yeah and well, kimmy, we have been over there
(15:43):
a lot on Sundays.
Kimmy took a knee this pastSunday, I took a knee the
previous Sunday and then I wentover there this Sunday.
I mean, we've been there.
Our mom gave us some greatadvice too.
Debbie always comes through inthat stuff, but she just because
she had lost her father when hewas diagnosed with lung cancer.
He passed away within asix-month time and we lived in
(16:05):
Texas at the time.
So she just she gave goodadvice and just told me what did
she say?
She just said she said,courtney, she was like I'm just
talking from experience and shewas like we were in Texas when I
got that news and she was likeI just wish we, if we lived
closer, I would have been overthere every week.
So she just encourage you tospend as much time with your dad
(16:27):
as possible.
Mm-hmm, yeah, it's justwatching the parents age and you
look back on your life and Idon't know.
(16:59):
Since this news, I know Kim andI and I felt and I thought about
this our conversations,becoming a mother have had to
work out some mommy and daddyissues.
But I feel like since this news, it makes sense for a lot of
things but also to have moreempathy towards our parents and
(17:31):
just meeting them at with.
We've had a conversation ofit's just, I feel, with my
parents.
I don't need to say much tothem.
It's not like we need to havelike big, long talks with dad.
Let's go back to 40, 44 yearsof history, right?
No, thank you, fucking no,thank you.
We're good, we don't.
There's nothing.
(17:54):
And, like you said, write him aletter.
My dad does not do well withcommunicating like deep emotions
and like real life hardship andalways his own mortality has
always, I think, scared the shitout of him.
So I'm not going to load onsome shit and I'm not like
resentful towards dad?
Do I like to throw a littleshade and talk a little shit?
Fuck, yeah, but it's all fromlove and it's my truth, it's
(18:14):
your truth, like it's the truth.
So I'm not going to changehistory or whatever, but now I
do come from like a loving placewith our parents, obviously,
like I'm very patient with them,I'm very forgiving with them,
and no, I'm not gonna.
I don't believe in loading,piling something on and now's
not the time.
Yeah, now's not the time.
(18:37):
Yeah, I think my, I think myturn was having more empathy and
just now, it's okay.
You know what?
At this point, we're just goingto be friends.
I don't need you to parent, Idon't want to go through history
.
I will write my letter, becausethat's the way I'm going to get
(18:59):
it out to him, and the letteris going to say more of I love
you.
Yeah, I love you.
You did the best you could.
I have no hard feelings, right,I'll see you on the other side,
bro.
So it's just one of thosethings I just now, I just like
something turned in me and Ijust feel like in 2025, of what
(19:21):
I want to do more of iscultivate more of deeper
connections and present timewith my family and my close
friends.
Yeah, and mom and dad, they didthe best that they could and
they are boomers.
So what they were shown wascompletely different.
They didn't really have thetools and it just comes from a
(19:44):
different time.
It is what it is, but seasonfive, what the fuck are you
saying?
Season one, two, three, four,five, we throw a little shade,
but that's because, yeah, but Iit is what it is.
I understand, I'm not likeregretful of anything I said.
Those episodes are still up forthe gym pops to listen to.
I'm not, I don't, I'm justsaying I felt like reflecting.
(20:08):
I felt like it was becausesometimes these conversations on
these episodes, it's therapy.
This is like a dear diary entry, sometimes with my sister.
So it was just working throughthat emotion and there was anger
there on my part.
Yeah, no, I hear you, I get it.
(20:29):
But then when you hearsomething of a parent getting
sick and it's just okay and thenit just comes more from the
compassion inside of just ahuman being.
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Yeah, because that cannot be anygood news that you would want
to hear.
I mean we all gathered me andmy siblings on a Sunday with my
stepmom, bernice, who loves myfather dearly, and having my
(22:19):
father gather us all and deliverthat news.
I mean we sat there in that denfor four hours.
There were some emotional lowsand there were some highs
because it was devastating.
But we turned it into a littlecharcuterie board Sunday
afternoon and just made it aboutfamily.
But for him to have to deliverthat news I mean the poor guy
(22:40):
couldn't even spit out the words.
His wife had to take over for aminute because he had to
Telling your four kids andlooking us in the face.
That was probably very hard forhim.
And then it got to the point.
I think it was oh, he looked alittle overwhelmed when, like
sitting there, like being verypresent, that was first time
like I've seen my dad thatpresent and and taking it all in
(23:01):
.
I mean that was a lot for him.
So I felt all of that from him.
It was like a direct line ofemotions, that was just like
coming to me from him and I feltawful because it was.
That was the realest that lifegets right there, the real deal.
We dealt with it as a familyhow the best to our capability
(23:25):
and I think we did prettyfucking good.
Yeah, yeah, that talk Idefinitely.
I went, went into, I went intofight mode.
Like I told my sister that evenlike leaving, leaving that his
house, I was like, oh, that wasa really nice visit and then
driving home, I was like, oh,that was a really nice visit,
but we just found out our dadhas stage four cancer.
(23:48):
Like trucking along listeningto music, I'm like this is
really weird to be in the, thisfeeling of like really enjoying
the time just spent butunderstanding why we're there.
So after three days, Idefinitely that adrenaline wore
off and then I totallydisassociated for a day.
(24:09):
Yeah, that was a mindfuck.
I'm sure that bubble popped,probably what felt like a pink
cloud.
I'm like, oh, okay, yeah, thisis reality and we've been just
going through it.
So that's what Sister Kimmy,sister Courtney have been going
(24:30):
through.
Yeah, we're just out here,trying our best dude, trying,
just waiting for the sun tofucking come out, please God, oh
man.
But going back to the seasonaldepression, we're in spring At
least, though.
Now that we're in spring, I canlike deal, like today it was
gray and I can at least dealwith it, knowing we are out of
(24:52):
winter.
Yeah, it's 30 degrees outsideright now.
It's fucking freezing and it'sgoing to be like this all week,
like I have had it up to here,good God.
So what do you want more andwhat's your goal for 2025?
What intentions do you have,sister?
(25:12):
My intention is to actuallystart traveling more again,
right, because this redundantrut of just like working,
working, working and just likecoming home and no, we're about
to be done with that.
So I'm traveling, even if it'slike I switched up my schedule.
Obviously we're going to seehow these treatments go with my
(25:33):
dad and what's going on with hisbody, because I don't know five
weeks or six weeks or somethingof treatment.
So I don't want to go somewhereinternational and something.
I just want to see how his bodyreacts to this.
So I'm like laying low, but I'mso for that, just to make sure
he's good and to be local.
And I switched up my schedulebecause on Sundays I really have
been like I've been going to mybrother, chad's, I've been
(25:54):
hanging out with Courtney, Iwent, took my.
It's been a lot of tapping inwith the family, which is great,
and my niece and nephews, whichI love them all, and just
tapping in and being present andbeing mindful and working
through these emotions ofwhatever is going on in the
family unit, healthy and notspiraling.
(26:17):
I love it, yeah, because I meanthere's no reason to spiral and
I mean, yes, it's a big reason,but we have the tools to like
navigate through something in ahealthy manner.
I would like to never have todeal with a loved one's death
like I did with grandma's,because I was a fucking menace.
(26:40):
You were a menace.
That was not the best at all.
Have we ever shared that onthis podcast?
I don't think so.
Oh well, I've never wanted that.
I didn't know what if youcarried a lot of shame or guilt
about that.
But so I, I don't know, yeah, Idon't anymore.
I mean, I was acting a fullblown act of addiction and
(27:02):
mourning because I was dealingwith that, for with grandma, for
a year and a half of flyingdown back and forth and then
dealing with mom and Aunt Kathythose two fucking degenerates
and in that sense of how theywere dealing with their mother,
which was not in a respectfulmanner.
So I was like a lot of shit wasgetting put on me and so I
(27:22):
wasn't dealing with it well,because I wasn't in a healthy
state of being, and I was alsomourning grandma because and her
and I relationship, so thatthat one was very, very tough
for me.
Yeah for sure, you guys, I didnot land in Orlando, florida, in
the best state of mind.
No, I was on like Can I?
(27:47):
You were fucked up and I wassix weeks into a sobriety
journey.
Yeah, I have never smoked somany cigarettes before in my
life.
I was just like one after theother.
Yeah, you were.
You were definitely like whiteknuckling it, oh God.
(28:10):
But yes, I was a fucking pureoncoming out flying in hot and I
mean hot from Denver, colorado,on a fucking week-long bender.
I don't think I had slept.
Oh, I slept.
I passed out at the gate and Imissed two flights and finally
was able to get out of flightand then made it to Orlando
(28:30):
straight to go to a funeral homeand I was okay at the funeral
home for the wake, but the nightof nope, it was not good.
I was a menace in the hotel.
I fucking blacked out frommartinis at Red Lobster and
Courtney ended up.
Security ended up callingCourtney upstairs and they had
to come get me because I wasswimming naked in the hotel pool
(28:53):
.
This is a story from the street.
Okay, I mean, this episodetoday of LOT is all over the
place, but this is let meinterject here this is a story
from the streets.
Yeah, totally.
And how this bitch got in thispool area is beyond Because,
(29:15):
like when I was with securitytrying to get her, I'm like what
the fuck?
Because it was an indoor pooland they close at a certain hour
so they lock everything down.
But this bitch ninja'd her waythrough the kitchen and somehow
ended up in the pool and isdoing backstrokes.
(29:38):
I'm there being like what thefuck.
And my mom's next to me and myAunt Kathy being, and my mom's
like Courtney, courtney, how didshe get in there?
My mom was more taken back ofhow she got in there and I'm
just watching my sister fuckingswim backstrokes naked Like what
is this?
(29:59):
After I went through thekitchen and was making myself a
snack before then I was behindthe closed hotel bar making
myself a drink, yeah right, andthey had this bitch on fucking
security camera.
I'm just like what is this?
I was like the Hamburglar inthe fucking what?
The Embassy Suites in Orlando.
(30:27):
My brother was disgusted, chadwas disgusted yeah, he really
was.
And Chad disgusted is.
It's a hard place to be aroundChad when he's like that, and
especially when you're on thereceiving end of it, but and
when you're seeing it too,because you're just like okay.
So Chad was disgusted, he wentin hot into the hotel room to be
(30:48):
like I think he yelled at you.
And then, and even too, mybrother that day told me before
he left he's.
I highly suggest you get on aplane with me if you want to
keep your sobriety intact.
I was like but we're going toDisney tomorrow, right, we're
going to Walt Disney.
And we went to listen.
It was 12 hours where I was amenace and could not.
I just fucking spiraled.
I was on a full on bender.
(31:09):
I don't remember half of it.
I was on like antipsychoticstoo at the time because I was
seeing this shrink who wasover-medicating me and it was a
full-on SR-22 drinking blackout,like coming off of a cocaine
bender.
It was awful, right.
So she felt bad, she missed mygrandma's the burial part, and
(31:32):
so she didn't attend anythingand I wasn't going to kick a dog
while they were down.
So it's just like I can't.
And then the next day we went toDisney and all was good.
Yeah, we did.
I rallied and got it togetherand went to Disney and then went
to threw some flowers in theocean at New Smyrna for my sweet
(31:54):
Jer Bear, and then, yeah, butit took me a long time to
forgive myself for that one,because it was rowdy, you guys
rowdy.
How I did not get arrested orkicked out of that hotel, I have
no clue.
No clue because I was a menace.
Yeah, no clue Because I was amenace.
Yeah, well, I got a personalkick out of it when my mother
(32:15):
and my Aunt Kathy were trying totame this beast in the hotel
room and she like lunged at myaunt and my mom and I was like
laughing, just leave her alone.
I'm like stop antagonizing,stop trying to talk to her, stop
, just leave her alone.
She will tuck herself out soonenough.
The door is locked at thispoint, after we got you back
(32:38):
from the fucking security guard.
Just shut the fuck up you twoand leave her alone.
Yeah, because I was also veryangry with them and over them,
like I didn't know I know faceswhen I even landed in Florida,
because they were just soterrible with how they dealt
with everything.
Yeah, and I can't remember whowas like.
(33:00):
I think at one point your motherwas like bear hug.
Oh, this is just pure comedy.
It's comedy because we lived it.
Yeah, we were there, right,right, I never been so hung over
though that was awful.
I was like, oh my god, can youimagine the anxiety?
No, but, and sure enough,though, after my mother and my
(33:25):
aunt finally backed off, becauseI was like I don't know what
you two are trying to do rightnow.
That doesn't even make anysense.
And so she did.
Kim finally tuckered herself out, did a couple circles and then
found a bed and passed out.
Right, courtney knows the deal.
She knew the deal.
Dude, leave her alone.
God bless, yeah, because I meanI had just lived it for years,
(33:48):
fucking just six weeks shy, well, anyways.
So, yes, this time, handlingthese situations and listen,
it's, everybody processes things, but it makes it a lot easier
to process things not in thatstate of mind, yeah, when you're
(34:12):
not a goddamn the femaleversion of Hunter S Thompson
coming in.
Oh shit, I bet if I brought upthis story to Chad now, he'd
still be fucking disgusted.
Oh Chad, he would be sodisgusted.
But again, and then that'swhere this is hard Like when you
start seeing your parents age.
Right, this is where this ishard, because it's like there's
(34:35):
some, there's some parents whonever made it to 70 and 75, 70,
about to be 71 and 75.
So, for, for now, it's justlike our, our parents so far
have had a good life.
I like that's how I've justI've been able just to be like.
This is part of the deal.
Like this is life.
Nobody makes it out of herealive.
(34:57):
And I don't mean to sound, and Idon't mean to sound morbid when
it comes to that, because a lotof people don't want to talk
about death, but this is thereality.
It is.
And maybe we're more fucked upabout it because, again, how we
(35:18):
were introduced to death it waswith a suicide in our home,
right, right.
But also, too, our mother hasalways been so spiritually
connected where it's like and Ihad to tell my mom this when I
told her about my dad'sdiagnosis, I said I don't worry
about you.
She looked at the same thing toher.
Yeah, she like looked at mesurprised, like where are you
going?
What do you mean?
You don't worry about me?
And I'm like no.
I said the same thing to her.
Yeah, she looked at mesurprised, like what do you mean
?
You don't worry about me?
And I'm like, no, I don't worryabout you when it's your time
to go home.
I said, because that has alwayscost about death and that you
(35:42):
knew you were going to a happyplace.
Yeah, you're going home.
And then she was veryappreciative.
She said I have always saidthat I was like, yes, mom, we
listen to you.
Yeah, we've listened to youtalk our whole lives.
Yes, we do listen.
That's the one thing thatactually resonated.
So it wasn't.
It's not like a scary thing.
Some people just, ie, my fatherdon't even want to, he doesn't
(36:06):
even go into funerals, so, likehis, it's got to be very scary
when you just I'm with my mom,like Michael, like when it
happens I'll probably be like110, but when it because I am a
cockroach and but I'm not scaredand the goal for me is to not
(36:28):
have to come back here I'mgliding through the cosmos.
Kimmy's trying to say that sheis not soul tied to anybody, but
you are soul tied to me.
Yeah, I'll catch you when youfinally don't have to come back
here.
But no, I want to learn all ofthe lessons this life so I do
(36:49):
not have to come back and do itall over again.
That is my goal on this planet.
This time and at Kim's funeralI'm going to say that at the end
and scene I'm going to say andjust to let you know, this bitch
is never coming back.
She's not Period, so she'sriding the cosmos and she's
(37:14):
happy.
Okay, yeah, I'm a starseed baby, I ain't coming back here, nope
, so don't try for me.
Argentina, period, and justmake sure you douse my whole
body in fucking my favoriteperfume so I smell good While
I'm comet tripping up there,please, oh man.
So I'm comet tripping up there,please, oh man.
So, yeah, so that's our twisted.
(37:37):
It's not even twisted, it'sjust the truth and the reality.
We have been comfortable abouttalking about death, but I think
that's just how we wereintroduced to it at an early age
and give a lot of credit to ourmother when it comes to that
spiritual side, yeah, of beingconnected, and the way she's
talked about it.
Yeah, because she's definitelyhad to like help us through and
(38:01):
she had to come to her own likeway about it.
Especially when you'reintroduced to death in such like
a traumatizing way, yeah, andit's a lot of as children
they're still developing theirbrain Like you got to wrap your
head around a lot.
It's like even in that death itwas like, oh, she's at peace
now, she's not such a tortured,tormented soul.
(38:24):
Like realizing that when you're11 and 12, like that's a.
That's an interesting pill toswallow.
Yeah, we all have our own viewsand it's however you handle it
and deal with it, but comingthrough, I think the moral of
the fucking story is we'rerunning for winter to be over.
We are.
That was this conversation.
Welcome back L-O-T-E Season six.
Baby, we're out here.
(38:44):
Baby, we might have to do.
Kim and I are planning a littlestaycation.
What are we going to?
Probably move that to May.
Now, you know when we should dothat.
We should do that over MemorialDay weekend, yeah, that's fine.
Sunday, whenever, wheneveryou're free, I'm good.
(39:08):
On Sundays, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we should do that.
That's when we should do a livestream of the podcast.
We could totally.
Courtney needs a staycation.
I'm taking her down to the MGMGrand Casino Spa in Detroit, so
we're going to do a little spaday and order some room service.
Get me to a table please.
(39:30):
It's been years.
Yeah, courtney likes.
She likes her little slots andwhatever.
Whatever the fuck you like.
What do you like?
I like burlap, oh, no, slots.
I don't.
I don't get the.
I don't.
I mean, I'll play a coupleslots, but I don't get the.
I don't get the love peoplehave this to slots.
(39:51):
I don't know either.
I've never won on slots, likewhen people have went big.
I'm like, how did you do that?
How much money did you have topump in to get like four to five
thousand dollars out?
Or did you just hit, like theslots?
I don't understand, and I feellike some people have strategy
behind slots.
Yeah, they do, and I think alot of those people have
(40:14):
gambling problems.
So I don't think which noshade's another addiction.
If anyone's out there sufferingfrom a gambling addiction,
that's also got to be a toughone, but I've never.
That has got to be the hardestone.
Gambling, yes, kim, I mean,think of that.
Come on, you're just losing.
All of your money is just goingto gambling.
(40:38):
Yeah, I mean, if you have adrug addiction, usually all your
money is going to drugs too,but like gambling, that's just
such a cycle, and to anyaddiction is a cycle.
I mean it's, I know, but withthe one with when it comes to
money, though, like same thingwith eating, right, what is the
(41:01):
lie?
Because could you look at,could you get hits of dopamine
off of spending, like then goingfrom gambling to shopping, like
it's, I don't know, because youhave to spend money.
But you got to spend money, tospend it on alcohol or drugs or
sex or everything.
It's got to feed an addictionwith money.
Yes, but I'm talking about thegambling addiction, like it's
(41:26):
centered clearly around money.
You know what I mean.
It's like same thing, like sexaddiction.
That one also it blows my mindbecause it's okay.
Then what is your if you starthaving sex again?
Like, what is your bottom Right?
Do you know what I mean?
Because it's if you starthaving sex.
Couldn't that then end uptriggering you then to continue
(41:49):
to go down?
How do you control that?
I guess?
Yeah, I mean it's allmanagement and quality of life
and a lot of, be it therapy orstep work or whatever you need
to do to control.
But I get it because, like withdrugs and alcohol, you take
that out of the equation so youdon't have to deal with it on
the daily.
Exactly and same thing with food.
(42:11):
It's again you have to eat tolive and you and I've had fucked
up relationships with food.
So, like when a food addictionis somebody's main one, my heart
goes out to them because it'sthat one is just it's a hard one
because you have to makechoices every fucking day to eat
(42:32):
.
I mean, this winter, Idefinitely was taking solace in
some emotional eating, and thescale definitely shows.
So I'm turning it around.
It actually started turningaround today and starting
working out again and beingmindful again.
But if you don't like how weare with food, if you don't, if
I don't, keep it mindful andjust let it go.
(42:53):
It escalates quickly and overthe winter full and just let it
go.
It escalates quickly and overthe winter it definitely was
going down a path where I wastaking solace in food and
fucking snacks and that goddamnUber Eats.
I mean, nobody should beallowed to order a fucking
32-ounce Slurpee at 2 am, but Iwas, and it just was like just
(43:17):
sitting there and that addictbrain kicks in and you're like
fuck, I need something.
So it's tough, so you just gotto stay on it, but I snapped the
fuck out of it and we're back,baby, we're fucking back,
anyways.
So I'm going to get my fix.
I don't have a gambling issue.
I do like, though, to gamble,and it's been quite some time.
(43:40):
It has been quite some time.
I remember when one person toldme when this was like a man and
I were going to go to thecasino and this was early on in
my sobriety and they're like,you need to be careful with that
.
And I was like Jesus Christ,not everything is an addiction,
okay, or a trigger.
Or a trigger Like I like togamble a couple times a year.
(44:02):
I haven't done it in years,years, pre-2020.
So I am ready and I go to thecasino more than you and I'm not
even.
Yeah, but that's the wholething, not everything.
And it's just because you'vehad an issue with a substance or
something doesn't mean thenyou're going to have that
everything's.
Anything that is addictiveYou're going to have an issue
(44:26):
with.
So let some people live.
Yeah, whatever works for you.
And yeah, it's like I couldn'teven see you being even having a
problem with gambling becauseof how you are with money.
I cannot wait, yeah, so we'regoing to go have a little
staycation and have a littleslumber party.
It's going to be fun.
Drexel's going to come becauseI can have dogs at this
(44:48):
magnificent hotel.
I've stayed there before withmy piece of shit ex and it was
fun, but we're going to go havea good time.
It's a nice hotel.
They do a nice job there At theMGM.
Yeah, yeah, like I, and I'mgoing to fucking live.
I'm going to go get me a steakand lobster, oh shit, okay, we
(45:11):
are living for the the one night, two day extravaganza there.
Yeah, I'm down, dude, I'm withit.
I am sleeping in, do notdisturb.
Oh, I know how you roll inhotels, don't worry, I won't.
You might spit on me again, kim,that was because I'm so fucking
(45:36):
hungover.
That St Patrick's Day parade,where it was like a mariachi
band coming in these brightfluorescent colors, it was
bizarre, that was awesome.
It was the most bizarre thingthat I, one of the most bizarre
things that I've ever witnessed,where I'm like I am the
Twilight Zone.
That's just because you were sohungover Right At my brother's
(45:56):
wedding.
Yeah, that was me, dan and Iwere talking about that.
The Twilight Zone, that's justbecause you were so hungover
Right At my brother's wedding.
Yeah, that was me, dan and Iwere talking about that.
The other day I was like isn'tit funny how the Elledge sisters
are the ones who showed up, andwe always show up, the Elledge
sisters, and everyone thinkswe're going to be the biggest
menaces, even to this day, andthen we show up and are actually
like the fucking kindest, mostsympathetic human beings.
(46:20):
And then people are stillsurprised what the fuck is your
problem?
Even in like full blownaddiction, I've shown up in ways
that I couldn't even believe,whereas, wow, you really aren't
a piece of shit.
Same with my sister, but wehave this stigma on us because
we are, these party chicks.
But we always did the rightthing and did right by people.
But people are always like, ohGod, here they come.
And sometimes yes, that was thecase, but during, minus my
(46:44):
grandmother's funeral, the dayshe was buried, for the most
part, we fucking show up and dothe right thing.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder, withthat, it's like why are you
still stuck on a version of mefrom at this point now, 15 to 15
(47:04):
, 20 years ago?
Do you know what I mean?
It's what?
Why are we still stuck there?
And same thing for you, likewhy?
It's what have I?
Let's talk about the last fiveyears of how I've consistently
shown up.
Right, you can even go back to10 years, but it's just like why
do people have that association?
You know what I mean?
I mean, like the past eightyears, I have consistently
(47:26):
fucking shown up, shown up, andthen, every once in a while,
someone which will be someone inmy family ie a family member or
maybe like an old friend andthey'll say some fucking shit
and throw some shade and I'mlike hold on.
Now I say something.
I'm like hold on, like I havenot done that and I've
consistently showed up and I'mnot out here to prove nothing to
(47:48):
any of you fucks anymore,because before I was doing that
because I was overcompensatingfor what I wasn't doing in
addiction or overcompensatingfor, like lies, the fucking
eight plates I had spinning inthe air.
Like now I'm not doing thatanymore.
So watch your mouth, do notfucking throw that at me,
because when I throw it back,it's your feelings are going to
(48:09):
get hurt.
But I choose not to be that wayanymore and have that slick ass
tongue.
I don't want to hurt anyone'sfeelings, but you fucking come
for me.
We're matching energy here, sobe prepared if this is how you
want to deal with me, becausenow I just won't deal with you.
Yeah, fuck off.
Period, god.
(48:31):
People play too much, it is true.
But this also, too, hashappened to my husband, where
the last year, I've had to sayto him, like some of these
people are still pinning you toan old version of yourself that
you haven't been and they don'tknow that about you because they
haven't really been around youin this new version, and maybe
(48:55):
that, sometimes, maybe thatspeaks true to me and you
sometimes, maybe, where it'sjust like you haven't been
around somebody in this newversion of themselves to really
understand that they're not thatsame person.
And you need to drop thatassociation when they keep
showing you who they currentlyare.
(49:15):
Well, after years, years, years, figure it the fuck out, bro.
Yeah, and dudes and dudettes,like figure it the fuck out.
It's not like it's just beenmonths or a couple years years,
so let's not get it twisted here.
No, I mean, I agree, I agree,sister, all right.
(49:39):
Well, this is a goodconversation.
How'd you feel about this chat?
Pretty good, all right.
Good people of the world.
I know this was more supposed tobe about seasonal depression
disorder, but it turned intojust kind of a cluster of what's
been up, yeah, what's been up,what's been popping, if you guys
, seasonal depression's a bitch.
So that is really the thing.
(50:00):
It is true, it is a thing, andwe can attest for it here in
real time.
So we're doing our best, we'rewaiting for the sun, and that's
what I mean, Like you lived outfor Denver for those years, so
you really can tell what's to bein that sunshine for that many
amount of days.
And then when you I mean whenyou came back to move back to
(50:22):
Michigan, how did you adjust?
I hated it.
I was like, oh my God, becausein Colorado it's 360 days of
sunshine a year.
Even when it's cold, like evenwhen it's snowing, the sun's out
.
So that's why people therethey're always out like doing
shit.
And then coming back, you'relike, oh God, like even people's
like attitudes, like I stilldon't adjust well, because, but,
(50:43):
like I said, I do good untilabout March.
And then I'm, like you said, Istart talking about vacations
and then I go on one becausethat is just the vibe, because I
start like crawling in my skina little bit because it's just
cooped up and me, you and I havebeen together our whole lives.
What do I do on vacation?
Lay by the pool, yeah, or onthe beach and just I don't want,
(51:09):
I just want, I just take in therays.
It's probably not the best formy skin, but, like I, it's my
favorite thing in life to do islay in the sun with a book, with
a magazine and just fuckinglook at water.
That is my favorite thing inlife to do the best.
The other day, matt was like isKim coming with us to Disney and
(51:29):
for 2025?
I said yeah.
I was like, but we're going togo to Epcot one day and I said
Kim's not going to come with usand he goes.
We're going to go to Epcot oneday and I said Kim's not going
to come with us and he goes.
What's she going to do?
I said, Matt, she will lay bythe pool and have a ball Right,
like when you guys went toDisney Springs out, matt, you're
(51:49):
not coming.
I was like, no, I'm just was attwo parks two days, like I am
laying by the pool, I amrelaxing, laying by the pool, I
am relaxing.
He is a person who likes to dothings on vacay.
And I have been like, no, Ineed to do nothing one day.
I can do nothing for seven days.
(52:10):
I can be the biggest piece ofshit you've ever met and just
wake up, go have some breakfastand go straight to the beach and
that is where I will be until,like my friend Nina, I showed
her in Miami.
I was like I'm going down tothe beach, like where I don't, I
don't need to go do two, I justI flew here for the water,
that's what I flew here for.
Yeah, well, that's definitelybeen an adjustment for Matt and
(52:33):
I.
When it comes to vacay, yeah,you guys both have to meet in
the middle, because you can be apiece of shit, like me too, and
we can just lay.
But I also live a veryfast-paced lifestyle.
I do not stop.
This fucking circus does notstop.
So when I go, it's like I'mtaking in all the elements to
refuel my body.
Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, I getit, I understand it and I'm not
(52:59):
apologetic about it at all.
I didn't even, maybe back in theday before or before, I read
Courtney's codependent no moreher favorite book.
Oh my God, yes, oh my God.
Good people of the world I amso sorry to interrupt you
because you brought it up Goodpeople of the world.
Did you get her?
(53:20):
So, finally, I was likecatching up last week with
emails.
I found the email and I emailedher point of contact back.
I was like, hey, I'm so sorry.
I know I was supposed to reachout in January.
I'm just seeing if she's stillavailable to do a podcast
interview.
She died.
(53:41):
Are you serious?
Yeah, melanie Beatty.
Rip.
Rest in peace, sweet prince.
And I say that with suchsincerity, like for real, yeah,
honestly.
But her book and I, number one,felt like a huge asshole because
I didn't even hear about it.
And then I was like, oh my God,what a gift that we.
(54:06):
How old was she?
She was in her 70s.
I didn't ask the person how shedied.
She sent me her obit, but itwas on the New York Times and
the New York Times you have tofucking pay for a subscription
in there.
And I was like I couldn't evenread it.
But she did say, let me pull itup real quick.
Because then I went onto herInstagram.
(54:28):
But, man, what a gift to haveher work forever with us.
So I liked this, so said onfebruary 27th at 10 pm, just as
a new moon fell into pisces, mybeautiful mother, melody beady,
passed away.
She died peacefully at home,surrounded by family and loved
ones.
(54:48):
My mother was never afraid todie.
Why should I be?
I'm going to see god, I'll bereading, I'll be reunited with
your brother and I'll finallyget to meet my favorite person,
moses.
Her fearlessness was a greatcomfort to me and in her final
weeks.
During one of our lastconversations I leaned in close
to her and asked where are yougoing, mom?
(55:10):
She turned toward me and smiledI'm going on a miraculous new
adventure.
I'll miss you.
Godspeed Escalated quickly.
Sorry, jesus Christ, courtney,I'm sorry but that's the problem
.
Oh, so if you have not readCodependent, no more.
(55:39):
I will put the link in the shownotes and, like that book
forever changed me and reallyhelped me with codependency and
understanding it and reallydetach from love.
So rest in peace, sweet Melody.
Yeah, rip, because that book wasa tool for me as well and I my
sister definitely shoved it downmy throat and I'm so glad that
she did, because it is a work ofart.
God, that's sad.
(56:01):
Well, god bless her.
But again, there's anothergreat attitude on what's on the
other side after life.
Yeah, it's all come full circle.
It really has All right.
It really has All right.
Well, if you haven't yet, makesure to rate, review and
(56:23):
subscribe to the show or followI think now it's following
instead of subscribing butsubscribe whatever app you
listen to so you make sure younever miss an episode of Sober
Vibes and to a show within theshow Living on the L Edge, titi
Kimmy.
What up?
That was the most chaoticconversation.
I love it.
I'm here for it, all right.
Well, we'll be back in Aprilwith a new episode.
(56:45):
All right, peace out.
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