July 3, 2025 • 28 mins
Episode 231: Emotional Sobriety: Why You Still Feel Off After Quitting Alcohol
In episode 231 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Andersen discusses emotional sobriety. She is digging deep into emotional sobriety, the unspoken part of recovery that no one really prepares you for. You’ll learn what emotional sobriety is, why it matters, and how to tell if you're in that “messy middle” where you’ve removed the alcohol… but your nervous system still doesn’t feel safe.
Courtney Andersen, sober coach and emotional sobriety mentor with 12 years of lived experience, shares her personal story of what came after sobriety, the panic attacks, the shame spirals, and the emotional unraveling that no one warned her about.
If you’re wondering why you don’t feel better yet, why your triggers are louder now, or how to stop spiraling without going back to numbing… this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air.
What's Discussed:
- What emotional sobriety means (and how it’s different from just “not drinking”)
- 5 signs you may be emotionally dysregulated in sobriety
- Why emotional healing gets harder before it gets better
- What to do when shame, anxiety, and shutdown still show up
- The exact tools Courtney used to stay emotionally grounded through 12 years of sobriety
Resources Mentioned:
The After — A No-BS Guide to Emotional Sobriety
*Short video coaching lessons
*Deep-dive journal workbook
*Emotional regulation + nervous system tools
Grab it now for $15 OFF with code AFTER
🖤 → THE AFTER
Podcast Sponsor-
Get $ 50 off your Soberlink device today!
Hope this helps you today!
Thank you for listening! Help the show by Rating, Reviewing, and/or Subscribing to the Sober Vibes Podcast.
Connect w/ Courtney:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Courtney Andersen (00:31):
Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I'm your host and sober coach,courtney Anderson.
I'm also your go-to guide forhaving a kick-ass life without
alcohol.
I like to switch that one upfrom time to time.
You are listening to episode231.
So today we're talking aboutsomething I know many, many,
many of you are probably feeling, but not enough people are
(00:53):
actually saying it out loud ordon't really understand what it
is.
And it is the why do you stillfeel emotionally unstable even
after you've gotten sober?
Okay, if you've been alcoholfree for at least a minimum of
six months or longer, okay, andyou're still anxious, reactive,
(01:16):
shut down or emotionallyoverwhelmed.
This episode is for you andeverybody goes through this.
Everybody goes through it.
You just go through it at adifferent time.
So for some people they mightnot start working on this till
three years in.
And why I say you have to be atleast a minimum of six months
is because that first to sixmonths you really still are just
(01:39):
trying to get through the daywithout drinking, even a lot.
For me it was that first yearand that needs to be your main
priority of just getting throughthe day without drinking and
not overwhelming yourself andfeeling like then you need to
tackle the next, and tackle thenext and tackle the next, and
sometimes, to be honest, thistype of shit that I'm talking
(02:01):
about today, it's not going tocome up for at least over a year
, or those first couple of years, okay.
So, again, what we're talkingabout today is emotional
sobriety.
What it is, why it matters andwhy your emotional life didn't
magically improve the second youquit drinking.
Because a lot of people thinkthat, hey, I quit drinking, why
(02:23):
don't I feel better?
This all should be dealt withand I should feel fine.
And this is a process.
That is why I will stand on it.
Those first five years is earlysobriety.
Those first three months islike early, early, early, early
sobriety.
You are a newborn baby, right.
So this is a process and ittakes time, and when you're
(02:46):
ready to tackle this, thenyou're ready to tackle it right.
So a lot of us, most of usexpect after quitting drinking
alcohol we think I'll stopdrinking, I'll feel better, I
finally have peace, right.
But what happens is whathappens actually is we feel more
(03:07):
.
There's more anxiety, moreoverstimulation, more shame.
We get hit with emotions.
We spent years numbing,avoiding and escaping, and even,
too, in those years of tryingto escape.
Then it's the compound effectof all of those years that you
(03:28):
were trying to outgrow orovercome.
Shame.
But you kept doing it becauseyou were still in that
continuous pattern with alcohol.
You were still in that cycle.
So now you're at the pointwhere it's like all of this is
starting to come up.
Right, I have to say this myanxiety.
(03:48):
I had anxiety early on and I dothink that that was from the
detox, the post-acute withdrawalsyndrome, the pause, right.
But then there was a period itwas fucking year three this
motherfucker came out of nowherewhere I was like, why do I have
so much anxiety?
I mean, it got to the pointwhere I felt claustrophobic in
(04:09):
cars and that is when I went andsaw my sweet therapist at that
one, terry Terbear, and shehelped me with cognitive
behavioral therapy and thatreally did help me with then
understanding anxiety more andlearning how to deal with that.
But, like I'm telling you, likeI would be driving and have
(04:31):
start having anxiety attacks orfeeling like I was going to get
into a car accident, it wasfucking weird.
It was weird.
But thank God for therapy, it'sgoing CBT and understanding it
and understanding where theanxiousness was coming from and
then learning how to cope, okay.
(04:52):
So emotional sobriety is theprocess of learning how to live
with your feelings withoutrunning from them right, without
going into like fight or flightmode or fawn.
I always forget the fourth oneFight, flight, freeze, fawn.
It's not about being perfect,it's just about your capacity,
right?
How much can you hold on towithout spiraling?
(05:16):
How can you respond instead ofreacting?
How do you trust yourselfemotionally again, because a lot
of people then stop trustingthemselves because of years in
the pattern of theirrelationship with alcohol and to
then going through the cycle oftrying to quit moderating,
right.
So if this is resonating withyou, you are in the right place
(05:40):
right now.
And again, you're not alone.
Everybody goes through this.
It just comes up for peopledifferently, right, and a lot of
people too.
At this time, it's like whenthese emotions start coming up,
you're like fuck, am I doingthis right?
Like am I doing sobriety right?
And the answer is yes, you'redoing sobriety how you need to
be, doing it for you and yourpersonality type and for your
(06:02):
previous history and what worksbest for you, okay.
So don't think that you'rebacksliding when this comes up.
Don't think, oh my God, is thisgoing to send me into a relapse
?
I mean it could, but I believeif you are still continuing to
listen to this, you are donewith alcohol and have made that
decision, and now it's just timeto then start working on this
(06:26):
type of stuff.
So what does emotional sobrietylook like, right?
So some signs that you might beemotionally dysregulated in
sobriety is you can snap oversmall things.
You fucking overthinkeverything.
You numb out with scrolling orisolation, right.
You feel emotionally flat orflooded and there's no in
(06:48):
between, right?
Like it's very extreme, it'sone or the other.
You still carry a lot of shame,even when you're doing
everything quote unquote right?
Okay, I will say this againabout shame Shame takes time and
there is a process of releasingit.
Okay, you might release shamefrom one incident but come back
(07:10):
like three to four years laterand be like, oh, something else
just came up and now I have torelease that, right?
So what you need here isn'tmore disciplined or mindset
hacks, you just you need actualtools to get through that, and
those tools might look likelearning how to regulate your
nervous system without numbingout, understanding your
(07:33):
emotional triggers andself-sabotage loops, rebuilding
self-worth in the absence ofexternal validation, creating
boundaries that don't requireemotional fallout, right.
So this type of emotional workchanges your sobriety from
survival to stability.
(07:53):
For me, honestly, how?
When I worked through myemotional sobriety, it was year
two to about, I want to sayafter year two to year six, okay
, after I got over that fiveyears.
That five year was weird, butthat was truly the start.
(08:18):
And then that was also to thestart of regulating my nervous
system and I think that that'sit's very in the beginning and I
know I've said it many, manytimes with the tools of
meditation, breath work,journaling.
A lot of people don't do it inthe beginning.
You don't do it because you'rejust like.
Sometimes it's when thosecravings, you're focusing on the
(08:40):
cravings and you just want toget through that.
A lot of that first year ofsobriety really is survival mode
because you're making itanother day without drinking, as
well as going through thatdetox and that post-acute
withdrawal syndrome, right, andyou're tired.
So then it's incredibly likefuck you, courtney, I don't want
(09:01):
to sit here and meditate.
And a lot of people don't inthe beginning.
True, they don't, but this is apractice that you get into.
So from year two to year five.
Then it was like then I reallystarted to do the work and to
regulate myself.
I started with focusing then onnutrition and exercise and
(09:25):
incorporating that.
Okay, I then started to work onpersonal development, right.
I then started meditation.
I then went into therapy.
I went into coaching thetherapy I just explained to you
kind of at the top of thispodcast.
It was like working throughanxiety and before all of this
(09:48):
kind of all fell into place.
And then the five year I wasturning 35.
My husband and I were in areally weird, strange place and
it was just an emotional actingout.
And even, too, I saw it thatfirst year.
I saw it where it was like Iwould go from one, be fine and
(10:11):
then get so reactive within aperiod of 10 seconds of then
where it felt like that dry,drunk behavior.
And that is almost whatemotional sobriety.
Before you start working on it,you still continue to feel like
this was how I used to act whenI was drunk, with lashing out,
but now I'm not drinking, so,like now, I need to start
(10:32):
working on that and how can Ireally do that right?
And those are the types ofpractices.
I'm not saying all what I did.
That's where you have to startputting in the practice and
putting in the work and startchanging that pattern, because
you will get stuck in patternsand it will feel awfully similar
(10:54):
to how you felt when you weredrinking, like I said.
But now you are not drinkinganymore, right?
You are not drinking anymore,right?
Hey, good people of the world,it's Courtney.
And if you're in your firstyear or your fifth year of
sobriety, let's be real.
Summers can be tough, like avery, very, very challenging.
(11:17):
It took me a couple summers tofinally feel comfortable.
There's something about warmweather, parties and poolside
drinks that can make it feellike everybody's drinking but
you.
But just because drinkingculture ramps up, especially
during this time, doesn't meanyour progress has to slow down.
That's where a tool likeSoberLink can help.
It's a high-tech breathalyzerthat helps people in recovery
(11:41):
stay accountable, not throughshame, but through structure,
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(12:04):
rebuilding trust or you justwant that extra layer of support
this summer.
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Visit wwwsoberlinkcom.
Forward slash sober-vibes tosign up and receive 50% off your
(12:26):
device today.
You can also check the link inthe show notes below.
(12:49):
So again, creating boundarieswith yourself, learning how to
regulate your nervous systemwithout numbing.
What does that look like?
What does regulating yournervous system look like without
numbing?
It looks like, I said,meditation.
It looks like making the choicefor yourself if you need to go
for a walk.
I'm just giving some examplesand really doing that.
It looks like making the choicefor yourself if you need to go
for a walk.
I'm just giving some examplesand really doing that.
It looks like maybe you gettingyour ass in therapy right In
(13:12):
talking through it if you're intherapy and you haven't been
honest with your therapist yet,that's now you being honest.
That's now you trying to facesome stuff from the past, the
boundaries.
What now you have withboundaries, with people, and
also to the boundaries you holdwithin yourself?
Right, you may have anarcissistic parent or a parent
(13:33):
who has who's an alcoholicthemselves, right?
So now you have to hold thoseboundaries in tight with
yourself, even though it's goingto be uncomfortable.
But the more you do that foryourself, the better off you're
(13:55):
going to be.
Where then you're not going tostart shame spiraling and being
like why did I do this?
And taking on other people'sshit?
Maybe it's time then you startworking on your people pleasing
or codependency, right,rebuilding that self-worth.
What does that look like foryou of starting to rebuild your
(14:15):
confidence?
Put the fucking quitlet bookdown, man.
I'm serious.
Stop listening to the SoberVibes podcast at that time, if
this is where you are, and pickup a resource where it's okay,
I'm going to start building upmy self-worth.
So maybe I should look intosome self-esteem books.
(14:36):
Maybe I should press play on apodcast that talks specifically
about this, right?
So it's now.
You're just shifting.
Maybe it's now more of in themorning time.
Stop picking up your phone anddoom scrolling, because that is
making you super effing anxiousand then it sets you off for the
(14:57):
day, right?
It's little things like thisthat you have to start changing
around for yourself and doingthat work.
It's little things like thisthat you have to start changing
around for yourself and doingthat work.
It's getting into journal workand really diving deep and going
deep within yourself, of not somuch surface level, of getting
into those feelings andunderstanding, too.
(15:18):
Of going back to theself-sabotage I was talking
about, like those self-sabotageloops, because it's very too.
Of going back to theself-sabotage I was talking
about, like those self-sabotageloops, because it's very.
You'll see, the patterns arealmost parallel to.
If you are in this right now,where you know you feel like an
emotional wreck and you feltlike that in your drinking days
and now it's okay what are youstill doing?
(15:39):
What are you still subscribingto?
Are you subscribing to thethought that you still don't
feel like you're good enough?
And if that is the case, youneed to start working on that?
Or where did the self-sabotagecome from?
Right, because there wassomewhere along the way you
picked up on somebody's otherbelief about you that you never
(16:00):
knew until they passed it downon you or told you right, and so
then you have to go and do thatwork and kind of unfuck your
mind with that.
I mean, this is work.
This is work.
You do not have to do this allin one day if you're like
sitting there soundsoverwhelming, I'm sure, but this
(16:24):
isn't something that you needto when you start tackling
emotional sobriety.
You're not going to get it allwithin one day.
It is a process.
It is a process like quittingdrinking was right Because there
is the process of quittingdrinking, and then there's
getting sober right Becausethere is the process of quitting
drinking and then there'sgetting sober right, and then
(16:44):
you're in your sober life andthen there's this.
And then after this part Iswear you guys after this part,
once you have all of these toolsand go through this healing
process or some might take acouple months, some might take a
couple years and really ride itout and recognize your patterns
and come to a more peacefulplace.
(17:05):
That is how you're going to getto a peaceful place by working
through this.
So, with the emotional sobriety,just know that it really comes
down to regulating your ownnervous system and figuring out
these patterns.
And, like, even with theregulating your own nervous
(17:27):
system, it's like again you stopsubscribing to your mother's
bullshit, you start saying noinstead of continuously saying
yes to things that you have nodesire to do, and then you're
there your whole weekend'sbooked up because you said yes
(17:49):
to seven things you had nodesire to go to.
You stop with thepeople-pleasing right.
And then what you're going tofind because this has nothing to
do with quitting drinking, butwhat you will find is when you
start working on this andhealing this part of you, right,
(18:09):
you're not going to beconstantly still at a place of I
want to drink alcohol, oralcohol is the choice right.
Even, too, if you have aproblematic relationship with a
parent, you can get to when youregulate this and work on
yourself.
You will get to that place withthat parent where they don't
affect you like they once did,because you've done so much
(18:33):
fucking work on yourself.
You're like I know your game.
I know your game, I know whatyou're doing and I'm not
subscribing, because notsubscribing to people's bullshit
, too, is part of regulatingyour nervous system.
Just for example, honestly,just for an example, I'm not
this is I'm not making thispolitical, but I'm just saying I
(18:56):
don't watch that.
I gave up the news in 2016.
Why did I give up the news?
Because it was ridiculous.
It's too much, it'soverstimulating.
And two, if you are a personand it's overwhelming and
everybody says the same stuff,they just spin it to their own
narrative right.
I got back in it real quick in2020, and then I found myself
(19:21):
getting like angry.
So I was like, oh, we're notgoing to go there.
No, thank you.
So then I stopped watching itand not to have on that chronic
noise like that in that sameloop helps me not have things
make me angry.
That like I can control right.
(19:42):
And also, too, when you work onyour emotional sobriety, this is
also setting the day up foryourself of okay, I set the tone
to my day.
I like again waking up orgetting up right when your alarm
stop hitting snooze.
You know what I mean, and Ithink I've shared this story
before, but that was a point forme, too, where I used to hit
(20:06):
that snooze button to lastpossible minute.
And then it came a period whereI was like it doesn't feel good
anymore to still be living likeI'm in my active drinking days.
I can get up.
I don't need to keep hittingthis.
I don't like to be rushedanymore.
That was part of my regulatingmy nervous system.
(20:28):
I mean still to this day, likeI don't think I take it to.
I didn't take it to extreme,but to this day I'm like 10
minutes early to places, becauseI don't like that feeling of
being rushed.
It does not make me feel goodat the end of the day.
So I know that's something Ican control, as long as I set my
schedule up properly, right.
So there's like little factorsof what I just shared from my
(20:52):
story that you can work on tohelp your emotional sobriety.
Okay, and it's very possible,because that was the one thing I
have to say.
I think that first year, likewhen, I would be reactive if man
and I got into a fight becauseagain we had to relearn each
(21:16):
other in this new relationship,and I remember I used to what's
the point?
Right, like victimizing myself,what is the point of it?
I'm just going to go drink,fuck you, okay, and then after a
while that no longer soundedgood because it's no, that's not
what I want to do.
And continuing just to say itand be like what is the point of
(21:36):
that?
Then it's putting me like.
That is making me very immature.
I mean, I am an immature indifferent ways, but that felt
icky to me.
And that is where, if stufflike that is happening to you,
that is, know when you are doingthe work and healing yourself.
So and this has nothing actuallyto do of what type of drinker
(21:59):
you are, because I still believeof no matter what type of
drinker you were, because Istill believe, no matter what
type of drinker you were, youwere suppressing through the
years and escaping somethingthat you have not dealt with,
right, and whether that is youhate your husband, you drank
because you wanted to avoid yourhusband.
You drank because you wanted tonumb out from parenthood, right
(22:23):
, you drank because you werelonely, like there is a reason
of why people drink.
Because alcohol one does nottaste good, let's be honest, it
does not.
And you want to get fucked upLike nobody wants to just have
one drink.
What is the point of one drink?
(22:44):
People with problems, alcoholproblems, don't just want one.
That's an excuse to let it backin your life of oh, I can just
have one, no, bitch.
No, you can't Sit down, youcannot.
One turns into two to three, tofour to five to six, to a whole
couple bottles, right?
So I do believe that everybodyagain, I'll stand on this has to
(23:08):
go through, no matter what typeof drinker you were, has to go
through a healing process,because there is a recovery,
there is a whole new building ofa life.
You don't have the specificdrug to numb out to anymore and
you have to deal.
And then it's the process of anemotional sobriety and like,
how am I going to get throughthe days without turning to
(23:29):
alcohol or without now snapping,now that I don't have alcohol
because I've made the decision?
I've been on this journey forsix plus months.
I've been on it for a couple ofyears, but I am feeling myself
being overstimulated,overwhelmed.
I'm acting I'm still actinglike how I was in my active
drinking days.
Right, so, truly, truly, trulybelieve.
(23:52):
I will say it one more timeeverybody goes through this
process.
So, if anything that I sharedwith you today resonates, I want
to actually invite you intosomething I've poured my heart
into still currently doing it,because it's not completely done
, but it will be come July 11thand it is called the After, and
(24:12):
this is something that peoplehave been asking me for a couple
of years about, but alsosomething I have wanted to
create and give you this optionto help you when it comes to
this, and it's my new digitalguide slash program to emotional
sobriety.
So it's for the person againwho's already sober.
(24:35):
Please don't get this if you'reunder six months, sober, like,
just flat out, don't Focus onnot drinking today until you
want to get to the point ofgetting this, okay, but you have
to be at least a minimum of sixmonths and you still feel like
a mess emotionally.
It's everything, truly, I wishI had after that time period,
(25:00):
like I said after my first year.
I wish I had it because I wishI could have condensed this
sooner, like I said, from two tofive years or to that six-year
mark, worked through it right,and this is stuff I still use to
this day, 12 years in, and Ibelieve that this stuff has been
more helpful to me thananything I learned in that first
(25:23):
year.
So what you will get inside it'sshort coaching videos to help
regulate, reflect and reset okay, a deep dive PDF workbook.
There's journal prompts,there's practices in there.
There is like little checklistabout feelings and working
through that right Tools to helpyou stop spiraling,
(25:45):
understanding yourself andactually feel safe in your
emotions.
And a lot, too, is a lot ofpeople I see are not truly
working with themselves on whothey were born to be, and when I
say that I'm talking about yourpersonality.
I'm talking about if you're anempath, a highly sensitive
person, an introvert, anextrovert.
(26:11):
You're not working with thatand you fight it.
And then what happens when youfight who you naturally are or
those characteristics ofyourself, is then that it will
cause more anxiety and again itwill go into overstimulation and
you will push your boundaries.
More anxiety, and again it willgo into overstimulation and you
will push your boundaries,which just do not feel good
anymore in sober life becauseyou don't have the drinking to
numb it up.
(26:31):
You'll get lifetime access andupdates because this work keeps
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(26:53):
So this is just a pre-salepre-sign up.
I should say so again.
You can check out the shownotes below and the link will be
in the show notes, or you canDM me on Instagram at Sober
Vibes and I will send you thelink, or, if you have any
questions, feel free to ask me.
(27:14):
But definitely check out thepage and everything is on there.
I put everything as much aspossible on there for you.
On there, I put everything asmuch as possible on there for
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Like I said, it's a one-timeinvestment and you will get use
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there is a payment plan.
So, whether or not you grab theafter, I just want you to know
(27:35):
this you're not again doingsobriety wrong because so many
people feel like they are.
You're just feeling.
You are feeling all of thesefucking feelings, all of that
years of suppression, they'recoming up right and if you're
ready to feel less alone in thatpart again, I made that, I made
this for you.
(27:55):
So thank you for listening.
I appreciate it today.
Today I kind of freestyled it,but I'm proud of you for
wherever you are at in yourjourney and thank you for tuning
in.
Make sure to, if you have notyet, rate, review and subscribe
to the show and, as always, keepon trucking and kicking ass out
there.
Thank you.
Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast.
I'm your host and sober coach,courtney Anderson.
I'm also your go-to guide forhaving a kick-ass life without
alcohol.
I like to switch that one upfrom time to time.
You are listening to episode231.
So today we're talking aboutsomething I know many, many,
many of you are probably feeling, but not enough people are
(00:53):
actually saying it out loud ordon't really understand what it
is.
And it is the why do you stillfeel emotionally unstable even
after you've gotten sober?
Okay, if you've been alcoholfree for at least a minimum of
six months or longer, okay, andyou're still anxious, reactive,
(01:16):
shut down or emotionallyoverwhelmed.
This episode is for you andeverybody goes through this.
Everybody goes through it.
You just go through it at adifferent time.
So for some people they mightnot start working on this till
three years in.
And why I say you have to be atleast a minimum of six months
is because that first to sixmonths you really still are just
(01:39):
trying to get through the daywithout drinking, even a lot.
For me it was that first yearand that needs to be your main
priority of just getting throughthe day without drinking and
not overwhelming yourself andfeeling like then you need to
tackle the next, and tackle thenext and tackle the next, and
sometimes, to be honest, thistype of shit that I'm talking
(02:01):
about today, it's not going tocome up for at least over a year
, or those first couple of years, okay.
So, again, what we're talkingabout today is emotional
sobriety.
What it is, why it matters andwhy your emotional life didn't
magically improve the second youquit drinking.
Because a lot of people thinkthat, hey, I quit drinking, why
(02:23):
don't I feel better?
This all should be dealt withand I should feel fine.
And this is a process.
That is why I will stand on it.
Those first five years is earlysobriety.
Those first three months islike early, early, early, early
sobriety.
You are a newborn baby, right.
So this is a process and ittakes time, and when you're
(02:46):
ready to tackle this, thenyou're ready to tackle it right.
So a lot of us, most of usexpect after quitting drinking
alcohol we think I'll stopdrinking, I'll feel better, I
finally have peace, right.
But what happens is whathappens actually is we feel more
(03:07):
.
There's more anxiety, moreoverstimulation, more shame.
We get hit with emotions.
We spent years numbing,avoiding and escaping, and even,
too, in those years of tryingto escape.
Then it's the compound effectof all of those years that you
(03:28):
were trying to outgrow orovercome.
Shame.
But you kept doing it becauseyou were still in that
continuous pattern with alcohol.
You were still in that cycle.
So now you're at the pointwhere it's like all of this is
starting to come up.
Right, I have to say this myanxiety.
(03:48):
I had anxiety early on and I dothink that that was from the
detox, the post-acute withdrawalsyndrome, the pause, right.
But then there was a period itwas fucking year three this
motherfucker came out of nowherewhere I was like, why do I have
so much anxiety?
I mean, it got to the pointwhere I felt claustrophobic in
(04:09):
cars and that is when I went andsaw my sweet therapist at that
one, terry Terbear, and shehelped me with cognitive
behavioral therapy and thatreally did help me with then
understanding anxiety more andlearning how to deal with that.
But, like I'm telling you, likeI would be driving and have
(04:31):
start having anxiety attacks orfeeling like I was going to get
into a car accident, it wasfucking weird.
It was weird.
But thank God for therapy, it'sgoing CBT and understanding it
and understanding where theanxiousness was coming from and
then learning how to cope, okay.
(04:52):
So emotional sobriety is theprocess of learning how to live
with your feelings withoutrunning from them right, without
going into like fight or flightmode or fawn.
I always forget the fourth oneFight, flight, freeze, fawn.
It's not about being perfect,it's just about your capacity,
right?
How much can you hold on towithout spiraling?
(05:16):
How can you respond instead ofreacting?
How do you trust yourselfemotionally again, because a lot
of people then stop trustingthemselves because of years in
the pattern of theirrelationship with alcohol and to
then going through the cycle oftrying to quit moderating,
right.
So if this is resonating withyou, you are in the right place
(05:40):
right now.
And again, you're not alone.
Everybody goes through this.
It just comes up for peopledifferently, right, and a lot of
people too.
At this time, it's like whenthese emotions start coming up,
you're like fuck, am I doingthis right?
Like am I doing sobriety right?
And the answer is yes, you'redoing sobriety how you need to
be, doing it for you and yourpersonality type and for your
(06:02):
previous history and what worksbest for you, okay.
So don't think that you'rebacksliding when this comes up.
Don't think, oh my God, is thisgoing to send me into a relapse
?
I mean it could, but I believeif you are still continuing to
listen to this, you are donewith alcohol and have made that
decision, and now it's just timeto then start working on this
(06:26):
type of stuff.
So what does emotional sobrietylook like, right?
So some signs that you might beemotionally dysregulated in
sobriety is you can snap oversmall things.
You fucking overthinkeverything.
You numb out with scrolling orisolation, right.
You feel emotionally flat orflooded and there's no in
(06:48):
between, right?
Like it's very extreme, it'sone or the other.
You still carry a lot of shame,even when you're doing
everything quote unquote right?
Okay, I will say this againabout shame Shame takes time and
there is a process of releasingit.
Okay, you might release shamefrom one incident but come back
(07:10):
like three to four years laterand be like, oh, something else
just came up and now I have torelease that, right?
So what you need here isn'tmore disciplined or mindset
hacks, you just you need actualtools to get through that, and
those tools might look likelearning how to regulate your
nervous system without numbingout, understanding your
(07:33):
emotional triggers andself-sabotage loops, rebuilding
self-worth in the absence ofexternal validation, creating
boundaries that don't requireemotional fallout, right.
So this type of emotional workchanges your sobriety from
survival to stability.
(07:53):
For me, honestly, how?
When I worked through myemotional sobriety, it was year
two to about, I want to sayafter year two to year six, okay
, after I got over that fiveyears.
That five year was weird, butthat was truly the start.
(08:18):
And then that was also to thestart of regulating my nervous
system and I think that that'sit's very in the beginning and I
know I've said it many, manytimes with the tools of
meditation, breath work,journaling.
A lot of people don't do it inthe beginning.
You don't do it because you'rejust like.
Sometimes it's when thosecravings, you're focusing on the
(08:40):
cravings and you just want toget through that.
A lot of that first year ofsobriety really is survival mode
because you're making itanother day without drinking, as
well as going through thatdetox and that post-acute
withdrawal syndrome, right, andyou're tired.
So then it's incredibly likefuck you, courtney, I don't want
(09:01):
to sit here and meditate.
And a lot of people don't inthe beginning.
True, they don't, but this is apractice that you get into.
So from year two to year five.
Then it was like then I reallystarted to do the work and to
regulate myself.
I started with focusing then onnutrition and exercise and
(09:25):
incorporating that.
Okay, I then started to work onpersonal development, right.
I then started meditation.
I then went into therapy.
I went into coaching thetherapy I just explained to you
kind of at the top of thispodcast.
It was like working throughanxiety and before all of this
(09:48):
kind of all fell into place.
And then the five year I wasturning 35.
My husband and I were in areally weird, strange place and
it was just an emotional actingout.
And even, too, I saw it thatfirst year.
I saw it where it was like Iwould go from one, be fine and
(10:11):
then get so reactive within aperiod of 10 seconds of then
where it felt like that dry,drunk behavior.
And that is almost whatemotional sobriety.
Before you start working on it,you still continue to feel like
this was how I used to act whenI was drunk, with lashing out,
but now I'm not drinking, so,like now, I need to start
(10:32):
working on that and how can Ireally do that right?
And those are the types ofpractices.
I'm not saying all what I did.
That's where you have to startputting in the practice and
putting in the work and startchanging that pattern, because
you will get stuck in patternsand it will feel awfully similar
(10:54):
to how you felt when you weredrinking, like I said.
But now you are not drinkinganymore, right?
You are not drinking anymore,right?
Hey, good people of the world,it's Courtney.
And if you're in your firstyear or your fifth year of
sobriety, let's be real.
Summers can be tough, like avery, very, very challenging.
(11:17):
It took me a couple summers tofinally feel comfortable.
There's something about warmweather, parties and poolside
drinks that can make it feellike everybody's drinking but
you.
But just because drinkingculture ramps up, especially
during this time, doesn't meanyour progress has to slow down.
That's where a tool likeSoberLink can help.
It's a high-tech breathalyzerthat helps people in recovery
(11:41):
stay accountable, not throughshame, but through structure,
scheduled daily tests.
Let you share instant, verifiedresults with the people who
support you, so you don't haveto do it alone, worried someone
might question your results.
They can't, because Soberlinkuses facial recognition and
tamper detection, so there's noway to cheat it, whether you're
(12:04):
rebuilding trust or you justwant that extra layer of support
this summer.
Sober Link is here to help youstay the course of your journey.
I've witnessed people benefitfrom Sober Link and I want you
to be the next.
Visit wwwsoberlinkcom.
Forward slash sober-vibes tosign up and receive 50% off your
(12:26):
device today.
You can also check the link inthe show notes below.
(12:49):
So again, creating boundarieswith yourself, learning how to
regulate your nervous systemwithout numbing.
What does that look like?
What does regulating yournervous system look like without
numbing?
It looks like, I said,meditation.
It looks like making the choicefor yourself if you need to go
for a walk.
I'm just giving some examplesand really doing that.
It looks like making the choicefor yourself if you need to go
for a walk.
I'm just giving some examplesand really doing that.
It looks like maybe you gettingyour ass in therapy right In
(13:12):
talking through it if you're intherapy and you haven't been
honest with your therapist yet,that's now you being honest.
That's now you trying to facesome stuff from the past, the
boundaries.
What now you have withboundaries, with people, and
also to the boundaries you holdwithin yourself?
Right, you may have anarcissistic parent or a parent
(13:33):
who has who's an alcoholicthemselves, right?
So now you have to hold thoseboundaries in tight with
yourself, even though it's goingto be uncomfortable.
But the more you do that foryourself, the better off you're
(13:55):
going to be.
Where then you're not going tostart shame spiraling and being
like why did I do this?
And taking on other people'sshit?
Maybe it's time then you startworking on your people pleasing
or codependency, right,rebuilding that self-worth.
What does that look like foryou of starting to rebuild your
(14:15):
confidence?
Put the fucking quitlet bookdown, man.
I'm serious.
Stop listening to the SoberVibes podcast at that time, if
this is where you are, and pickup a resource where it's okay,
I'm going to start building upmy self-worth.
So maybe I should look intosome self-esteem books.
(14:36):
Maybe I should press play on apodcast that talks specifically
about this, right?
So it's now.
You're just shifting.
Maybe it's now more of in themorning time.
Stop picking up your phone anddoom scrolling, because that is
making you super effing anxiousand then it sets you off for the
(14:57):
day, right?
It's little things like thisthat you have to start changing
around for yourself and doingthat work.
It's little things like thisthat you have to start changing
around for yourself and doingthat work.
It's getting into journal workand really diving deep and going
deep within yourself, of not somuch surface level, of getting
into those feelings andunderstanding, too.
(15:18):
Of going back to theself-sabotage I was talking
about, like those self-sabotageloops, because it's very too.
Of going back to theself-sabotage I was talking
about, like those self-sabotageloops, because it's very.
You'll see, the patterns arealmost parallel to.
If you are in this right now,where you know you feel like an
emotional wreck and you feltlike that in your drinking days
and now it's okay what are youstill doing?
(15:39):
What are you still subscribingto?
Are you subscribing to thethought that you still don't
feel like you're good enough?
And if that is the case, youneed to start working on that?
Or where did the self-sabotagecome from?
Right, because there wassomewhere along the way you
picked up on somebody's otherbelief about you that you never
(16:00):
knew until they passed it downon you or told you right, and so
then you have to go and do thatwork and kind of unfuck your
mind with that.
I mean, this is work.
This is work.
You do not have to do this allin one day if you're like
sitting there soundsoverwhelming, I'm sure, but this
(16:24):
isn't something that you needto when you start tackling
emotional sobriety.
You're not going to get it allwithin one day.
It is a process.
It is a process like quittingdrinking was right Because there
is the process of quittingdrinking, and then there's
getting sober right Becausethere is the process of quitting
drinking and then there'sgetting sober right, and then
(16:44):
you're in your sober life andthen there's this.
And then after this part Iswear you guys after this part,
once you have all of these toolsand go through this healing
process or some might take acouple months, some might take a
couple years and really ride itout and recognize your patterns
and come to a more peacefulplace.
(17:05):
That is how you're going to getto a peaceful place by working
through this.
So, with the emotional sobriety,just know that it really comes
down to regulating your ownnervous system and figuring out
these patterns.
And, like, even with theregulating your own nervous
(17:27):
system, it's like again you stopsubscribing to your mother's
bullshit, you start saying noinstead of continuously saying
yes to things that you have nodesire to do, and then you're
there your whole weekend'sbooked up because you said yes
(17:49):
to seven things you had nodesire to go to.
You stop with thepeople-pleasing right.
And then what you're going tofind because this has nothing to
do with quitting drinking, butwhat you will find is when you
start working on this andhealing this part of you, right,
(18:09):
you're not going to beconstantly still at a place of I
want to drink alcohol, oralcohol is the choice right.
Even, too, if you have aproblematic relationship with a
parent, you can get to when youregulate this and work on
yourself.
You will get to that place withthat parent where they don't
affect you like they once did,because you've done so much
(18:33):
fucking work on yourself.
You're like I know your game.
I know your game, I know whatyou're doing and I'm not
subscribing, because notsubscribing to people's bullshit
, too, is part of regulatingyour nervous system.
Just for example, honestly,just for an example, I'm not
this is I'm not making thispolitical, but I'm just saying I
(18:56):
don't watch that.
I gave up the news in 2016.
Why did I give up the news?
Because it was ridiculous.
It's too much, it'soverstimulating.
And two, if you are a personand it's overwhelming and
everybody says the same stuff,they just spin it to their own
narrative right.
I got back in it real quick in2020, and then I found myself
(19:21):
getting like angry.
So I was like, oh, we're notgoing to go there.
No, thank you.
So then I stopped watching itand not to have on that chronic
noise like that in that sameloop helps me not have things
make me angry.
That like I can control right.
(19:42):
And also, too, when you work onyour emotional sobriety, this is
also setting the day up foryourself of okay, I set the tone
to my day.
I like again waking up orgetting up right when your alarm
stop hitting snooze.
You know what I mean, and Ithink I've shared this story
before, but that was a point forme, too, where I used to hit
(20:06):
that snooze button to lastpossible minute.
And then it came a period whereI was like it doesn't feel good
anymore to still be living likeI'm in my active drinking days.
I can get up.
I don't need to keep hittingthis.
I don't like to be rushedanymore.
That was part of my regulatingmy nervous system.
(20:28):
I mean still to this day, likeI don't think I take it to.
I didn't take it to extreme,but to this day I'm like 10
minutes early to places, becauseI don't like that feeling of
being rushed.
It does not make me feel goodat the end of the day.
So I know that's something Ican control, as long as I set my
schedule up properly, right.
So there's like little factorsof what I just shared from my
(20:52):
story that you can work on tohelp your emotional sobriety.
Okay, and it's very possible,because that was the one thing I
have to say.
I think that first year, likewhen, I would be reactive if man
and I got into a fight becauseagain we had to relearn each
(21:16):
other in this new relationship,and I remember I used to what's
the point?
Right, like victimizing myself,what is the point of it?
I'm just going to go drink,fuck you, okay, and then after a
while that no longer soundedgood because it's no, that's not
what I want to do.
And continuing just to say itand be like what is the point of
(21:36):
that?
Then it's putting me like.
That is making me very immature.
I mean, I am an immature indifferent ways, but that felt
icky to me.
And that is where, if stufflike that is happening to you,
that is, know when you are doingthe work and healing yourself.
So and this has nothing actuallyto do of what type of drinker
(21:59):
you are, because I still believeof no matter what type of
drinker you were, because Istill believe, no matter what
type of drinker you were, youwere suppressing through the
years and escaping somethingthat you have not dealt with,
right, and whether that is youhate your husband, you drank
because you wanted to avoid yourhusband.
You drank because you wanted tonumb out from parenthood, right
(22:23):
, you drank because you werelonely, like there is a reason
of why people drink.
Because alcohol one does nottaste good, let's be honest, it
does not.
And you want to get fucked upLike nobody wants to just have
one drink.
What is the point of one drink?
(22:44):
People with problems, alcoholproblems, don't just want one.
That's an excuse to let it backin your life of oh, I can just
have one, no, bitch.
No, you can't Sit down, youcannot.
One turns into two to three, tofour to five to six, to a whole
couple bottles, right?
So I do believe that everybodyagain, I'll stand on this has to
(23:08):
go through, no matter what typeof drinker you were, has to go
through a healing process,because there is a recovery,
there is a whole new building ofa life.
You don't have the specificdrug to numb out to anymore and
you have to deal.
And then it's the process of anemotional sobriety and like,
how am I going to get throughthe days without turning to
(23:29):
alcohol or without now snapping,now that I don't have alcohol
because I've made the decision?
I've been on this journey forsix plus months.
I've been on it for a couple ofyears, but I am feeling myself
being overstimulated,overwhelmed.
I'm acting I'm still actinglike how I was in my active
drinking days.
Right, so, truly, truly, trulybelieve.
(23:52):
I will say it one more timeeverybody goes through this
process.
So, if anything that I sharedwith you today resonates, I want
to actually invite you intosomething I've poured my heart
into still currently doing it,because it's not completely done
, but it will be come July 11thand it is called the After, and
(24:12):
this is something that peoplehave been asking me for a couple
of years about, but alsosomething I have wanted to
create and give you this optionto help you when it comes to
this, and it's my new digitalguide slash program to emotional
sobriety.
So it's for the person againwho's already sober.
(24:35):
Please don't get this if you'reunder six months, sober, like,
just flat out, don't Focus onnot drinking today until you
want to get to the point ofgetting this, okay, but you have
to be at least a minimum of sixmonths and you still feel like
a mess emotionally.
It's everything, truly, I wishI had after that time period,
(25:00):
like I said after my first year.
I wish I had it because I wishI could have condensed this
sooner, like I said, from two tofive years or to that six-year
mark, worked through it right,and this is stuff I still use to
this day, 12 years in, and Ibelieve that this stuff has been
more helpful to me thananything I learned in that first
(25:23):
year.
So what you will get inside it'sshort coaching videos to help
regulate, reflect and reset okay, a deep dive PDF workbook.
There's journal prompts,there's practices in there.
There is like little checklistabout feelings and working
through that right Tools to helpyou stop spiraling,
(25:45):
understanding yourself andactually feel safe in your
emotions.
And a lot, too, is a lot ofpeople I see are not truly
working with themselves on whothey were born to be, and when I
say that I'm talking about yourpersonality.
I'm talking about if you're anempath, a highly sensitive
person, an introvert, anextrovert.
(26:11):
You're not working with thatand you fight it.
And then what happens when youfight who you naturally are or
those characteristics ofyourself, is then that it will
cause more anxiety and again itwill go into overstimulation and
you will push your boundaries.
More anxiety, and again it willgo into overstimulation and you
will push your boundaries,which just do not feel good
anymore in sober life becauseyou don't have the drinking to
numb it up.
(26:31):
You'll get lifetime access andupdates because this work keeps
evolving and I just wanted tomake the best possible program
for people who need help withthis.
So right now you can grab it$15 off with code AFTER, but
that code is only good throughJuly 14th, that's Monday, july
14th, and the program will golive July 11th.
(26:53):
So this is just a pre-salepre-sign up.
I should say so again.
You can check out the shownotes below and the link will be
in the show notes, or you canDM me on Instagram at Sober
Vibes and I will send you thelink, or, if you have any
questions, feel free to ask me.
(27:14):
But definitely check out thepage and everything is on there.
I put everything as much aspossible on there for you.
On there, I put everything asmuch as possible on there for
you.
Like I said, it's a one-timeinvestment and you will get use
that code the after to get yourdiscount at checkout and to
there is a payment plan.
So, whether or not you grab theafter, I just want you to know
(27:35):
this you're not again doingsobriety wrong because so many
people feel like they are.
You're just feeling.
You are feeling all of thesefucking feelings, all of that
years of suppression, they'recoming up right and if you're
ready to feel less alone in thatpart again, I made that, I made
this for you.
(27:55):
So thank you for listening.
I appreciate it today.
Today I kind of freestyled it,but I'm proud of you for
wherever you are at in yourjourney and thank you for tuning
in.
Make sure to, if you have notyet, rate, review and subscribe
to the show and, as always, keepon trucking and kicking ass out
there.
Thank you.
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