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March 13, 2025 16 mins

SEASON 2, EP10 - When Rejection Comes Your Way: Learn How to Self-Soothe Through Rejection

Rejection can sting—especially when it comes from those we love the most. In this episode, I explore the tender dynamics of parenting teenagers and how their changing expressions of love can leave us feeling vulnerable and unsure.

We’ll delve into the emotional weight of rejection, strategies for self-soothing, and how to create a safe space for reconnection without pushing too hard. Whether you’re navigating rejection from your kids, friends, or even life itself, this episode will guide you through the discomfort, offering tools to process your feelings and strengthen your relationships.



In This Episode, We Cover:

  • The changing dynamics of love and connection as children transition into teenagers.

  • The emotional impact of rejection on parents and how to process those feelings.

  • Strategies for communicating with teenagers, including offering alternatives and advocating for your own needs.

  • The importance of seeking to understand rather than always responding or solving.

  • Creating a safe space for teenagers to return to, even when they push away.

 

If today’s episode resonated with you, take the next step and join The Toolkit – a free resource to help you deepen your self-discovery: https://courses.soulcarehealing.com.au/thetoolkit

 

Timestamps / Chapter Markers

00:13 Let's Dissect Rejection

01:34 Conclusions Internally vs. Externally

02:02 A Shift is Happening in Our House

02:09 The Way Love is Shown is Changing

02:35 I Never Really Got Rejected

03:28 I Am Not Their Person Anymore

05:11 How Many Times Can You Hear No?

05:58 I Have an Issue with Rejection

06:41 Reassurance is Powerful

07:22 What Do You Do if You Have a Kid That Doesn't Give You Anything Ever?

08:12 Value in Advocating for Myself

09:16 None of My Friends Treat Me Like That

09:45 Advocating for Yourself is Powerful

10:23 Rejection Does Not Mean You Are Not Loved

10:50 Grief Can Roll into Your Body

11:07 They Will Come Back in Time

11:44 Your Story Isn't Like My Story

11:55 Miscommunication Happens Easily

12:29 Seek to Understand, Not Respond

13:12 Why Do I Even Bother Trying?

13:39 Be in the Moment

14:27 Be a Safe Space for Them

14:50 We Are Their Home

15:17 Seek to Understand Where They Are At

15:24 Build Windows of Trust

 

Resources & Links:

  • Soul Care Healing Website: http://soulcarehealing.com.au/

  • Soul Care Healing Instagram: http://instagram.com/soulcarehealing_

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    Mark as Played
    Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Hello. Hello and welcome back for another episode of our podcast. This is a really interesting one for me and one that hits home pretty deeply. I want to talk about rejection, and I want to talk about how we feel that in our body and sometimes how we can respond or punish.

(00:39):
Maybe it's just me, but if this is something that goes on in your house or something that you recognize,
then I would love to just lean into this for a moment and let's just have a little dissection of it. So,
for those who don't know me, I am married and I have three kids. I am a very bubbly ideas woman.

(00:59):
I have
a real thirst for to achieve and do a lot of things in life.
I'm very outgoing, like, very well, clearly very comfortable in front of a camera, very comfortable
in a room full of people, extroverted. And then I'm married to an amazing man who is pretty much the polar opposite of me.
he is quieter in nature. He is slower to make decisions. He still has the same thirst to achieve and do life. And he has ideas, but he's much, much quieter about it and he likes to come to his conclusions internally, whereas I like to come to my conclusions externally.

(01:41):
And we have three children, so we've been together since we were 16 and 17.
So 25 years this year, actually, in what do we are in 2024? We've had our 25th anniversary from the date that we got together. And we have three children. One's almost 15.
One's 12 and we've got one that's almost eight.

(02:02):
And there is a transition and a shift happening in our house.
And this can be a marker of two different things.
But the way that love is getting shown in our house is changing. And this happens. I believe in every house that has kids transitioning from being children to teenagers. But what surprised me not is that their behavior that I, you know, I wasn't so bold to think that it wouldn't happen to us. I think what I was surprised at, at how much it would hurt.

(02:35):
That's what has surprised me, because I never really got rejected when I came up with ideas of fun things to do with our family. So I am the one who plans the holidays. I'm the one who says, let's do a day trip. I'm the one. It's like, who wants a push work? Or who wants to go out for lunch?
Or let's go have hot chocolates and, hot dogs at the like. Like that's what I'm doing. And I think that was a big mixture of that. I worked from home for the last 15 years in my hairdressing salon, and so I wasn't often away from the house, you know, I raised the kids there. I did the admin for a plumbing company there, and I did,

(03:10):
my hairdressing work there.
So in the spare time, I was really, really wanting to go out. And I love supporting our community and I love being in and around Bendigo and the areas around us.
So as the kids are getting older and obviously the chemicals in their body are changing, their hormones are changing, who they spend time with is changing.
It is becoming apparent that I am not the person anymore.

(03:34):
Now, I'm thankful that I still have the little seven year old
as me being then number one human. And same with my husband. And so he mostly when I say, let's go do this or let's go for a bike ride, he's still. Yeah, let's go, come on and we'll get a hot chocolate. He's still keen for the interaction.
He still came to the net connection.
And one on witnessing with the teenagers that I'm trying to be gracious in. And some days it takes some of my strength is that when I want to interact or connect with them, they have absolutely no bones about rejecting me and my ideas and even sometimes mocking them. But the second that they want my affection or attention, all my money,

(04:19):
They are all over me like a rash. And it's not necessarily conducive to when I can offer it. And it's so heavy that intensity and that niceness.
and I want to respond to it, but I also don't want to validate it, that it's just about them. So I'm learning about yeah, yeah, I can say that you want to do something and I can do that.
I'm just finishing what I'm doing right now, and then I'm going to be right with you. But it's such a small window of curiosity that they want to connect. So how do we find the balance between handling the emotions and the rejections, as in the things that were always such great ideas that kept your family doing things together, when now they like that?

(05:00):
I don't want to do that. That's lame. Or no mum. Nah, I'm just going to do something else instead. Or who wants to come for a drive and we'll get some. You know, we'll stop at this bakery and we'll get and not
how many times as a parent can you keep hearing, not before you just be like, you know what?
You happy to take my money when you want it, and you're happy to take my housework and my washing and my dishes and all of these things. But the one time that I want to hang out with you, it is not met.

(05:30):
And it started to become a bit of a thing for me, where I kind of became a bit resentful.
I was a bit like, yeah, well, you know what I want to do yesterday and you weren't there for me. I know, like, oh, yesterday I was tired. I'm like, yeah, well, today I'm tired. There you go, Bob. I thought everyone in the world is so fucking tired. And I start becoming this kind of like, I don't know, like this martyr.

(05:53):
And I'm like, what? Who is that? That's not who I naturally am. And as I started to explore that, I was like, I actually have a real issue with rejection,
particularly when the rejection has no hope. So I fought at the times why I have to reject or knock my child back. I do always try to offer an alternative time, so it might be my mom.
Come and watch a show with me and I might be like knee deep in cooking sausages that you just genuinely can't leave. And I'll say, I can't do that with you right now, but I will in just a little while. Just let me get this finished first. So I try to, even though I know that I'm giving a knock back, I try to commit to something that will be, you know, afterwards.

(06:32):
Because it's so easy to go now. I'm too busy. Not. I can't do that right now. But I know, and I understand that when I feel rejected, sometimes what I just want is reassurance. To know that you will connect with me a little bit more later.
And how powerful that is, even if it's not necessarily always followed through.
It was just a thought that maybe they want to. It just doesn't suit them right now.

(06:55):
So as I leaned into this philosophy at offering an alternative or offering another time, or letting them know exactly what's happening for me right now,
it's got me thinking about the small window of opportunity that there is to capture a teenager, and I spoke on the previous episode about touch, you know, keeping up the high fives and keeping up the around the shoulder and the jovial aspect of life and your interactions to keep this softness in it.

(07:20):
But what do you do if you just have a kid that doesn't give you anything ever, unless they want you money? Like if you have a kid who never comes out of their bedroom, who feels very disrespectful in everything that they do, who seems so beyond self-centered that you're like, questioning, even if your parenting style has contributed to this.

(07:43):
Am I raising an asshole? What is going on? That used to be so sweet and loving and I was the number one person, and now it's they treat me like dirt, you know? How do I not take that so personally? Because. And I say this to my children when I've taken a few blows and I can feel myself getting ready to strike, and I've mentioned before that I can go gangsta really quick if you, you know, push me too far.

(08:09):
The wrong way and I'm learning to get better at that. But I also say there's value in advocating for myself as well. And so it can be simply a matter of, you know, coming back to it afterwards, if someone was really rude and really disrespectful and borderline mean to me, I know that in that moment there is nothing I can say or do or scream or yell that is going to make the situation any better.

(08:31):
So sometimes it's that matter of, you know what, I'm just going to leave you for a little bit because I can see you need some space, but I'm going to come back later and I'll make sure that I do come back later. And I make sure that I advocate for myself and let them know that I have boundaries on how I would treat them.
And I say something simple like, you know, when you treated me like that, it made me feel like shit. However, I'm a big person, so I was able to step away and recognize that you weren't in the mood for me. And then I realized, yeah, I'm actually not in the mood for you either. And then I'll often feel it up with you.

(09:02):
You know, I can be patient with you because I know that you're going through massive changes in your life, in your body. But I'll draw the line at some things. Some things will not and never be okay for you to treat me like.
And then I might go on to say, and none of my friends would treat me like that, nor would I let them, and nor have I ever.
Which is why I have such amazing people in my life. And they'll kind of just stand there and blink. And occasionally I can feel them get a bit defensive, like, well, you know, I'm under pressure too. And you came in when there was drama going on the phone. So it's really easy to have excuses for why we lash out at someone.

(09:39):
and sometimes they are valid. I get that, but I think just saying out loud and advocating for yourself is really powerful in helping with rejection and helping create a boundary on how you might be treated next time. And then there's the other part of recognizing that the accountability. Did I approach at the wrong time?

(10:00):
Did I make sure that what I delivered was done in a concise way, without a lecture, without waffling on? For too long? Did I contribute to the way that the situation blew up?
And as I've learned through my personal development and all my training and all my wellbeing strategies is that when I get rejected, I have the ability to go inwards.

(10:21):
To reassure myself that
rejection does not mean that you are not loved or not worthy or not significant or not capable.
you just had the wrong audience in that moment, and you are perfectly okay with recognizing that you don't need to spiral from that rejection,

(10:41):
So when you're sitting in that rejection and you feel like two things sad and it can feel really shit when you kids pull away, and there's a grief that can start to roll into your body where you want to hold on so tightly because you remember that chubby little hand and that little body that used to sit on your knee and you remember you being there first everything,

(11:07):
and then how to get comfortable to know that they will come back in time and there'll be snippets of them through all the stuff that going with.
And I think part of it too, is sitting with our teens and listening without responding, or always having to bring one of our stories in to feel like where, you know, we do that because we want them to know you're not alone.

(11:32):
I've experienced what you've experienced and there is value in that. Absolutely.
But when we do it every single time, it means that it's going to create a level of, oh, I just wish that I would listen or know your story isn't like my story, because you don't know how I was feeling at the time or times have changed in the way communication happens with kids is so wrong and it's so easy to get it wrong.

(11:54):
Now.
And because everything is on a digital platform, it's so easy to be misconstrued and miscommunication to happen in a group environment. And that's the other thing. So much is in a group, they communication so they can get turned away from the pack really, really easily.
And that can create a disconnect in their community, which means when they get home, they might even be sitting in their own sorrow and grief and discomfort. And then when you come in to try and either be really jovial or come up with suggestions and things and you get it back, but it might just be that you don't know what's going on for them in that moment.

(12:29):
And so when we seek to understand instead of seek to respond to our teenagers, we can create these little trusting moments that when you do reach out for connection, you may not get the full nasty brunt and rejection, and it can feel a little bit lighter and you can go in with it and go, okay, I know this person and I know them to their core and they're just having a bad moment.

(12:54):
It is not indicative of the relationship that we have with one another. It's just a moment. So I'll try again at another time.
What happens, though, is when you have six months or two years of this rejection and you feel so worn out, they just like, why do I even bother trying? Like they don't like me, okay. They're not, they're not, you know, leaning on me or with me in any capacity in life.

(13:22):
And that can feel really upsetting. Oh, I can't that is a really lonely journey. And that's what we need to do the work for ourselves. And we expand our circle in a bit of a different direction. Maybe we to lean on our friends, and we wait for the organic time that our child does take us out.
and then we must recognize the importance of being in the moment when your child does come to you. Like I said, sometimes they come at the most inappropriate times with connection, and you can have a million things going on in your heads full, and you got all these emails there and not a notification comes through on your phone.

(13:53):
And this happens
to me, and I don't necessarily lift my eyes and look at them when they're speaking to me. And it is so damaging. And now I'm doing so better at making sure I close my screen and look up and go, now, what's going on for you, mate? What's happening?
And with that, it means that when they try to tell you the little things, they're testing you to say, if you're worthy of the big stuff, that big scary stuff that that creates, you know, a reason sometimes for the rejection when we try to reach out that they've got so much going on their head that there's a safe space for

(14:27):
them to come to you organically at some point and go, oh, there's some drama going on. Oh God, so-and-so's done this, or so-and-so said this, or I've been rejected from the group. I don't even know what I did. So that way you can be open and loving and take compassion and be in that moment. And sometimes we have to have a few years where we wait for the organic flow back to us because we are their safe space.

(14:51):
We are their home.
And I hope this has given you a little bit of an idea of if this is going on in your house, know that you're not alone. It's happening in all the houses everywhere. You are doing the best you can. Some days that is even better than the day before.
Just take those moments. Try to live in it while you're in it.

(15:12):
When they come to you, try to be open, compassionate, no lecturing. Just witness them. Seek to understand where they're at, not. You don't have to always solve it, and you don't always have to respond. And then we can build these windows of trust that allow for connection to flow organically.
I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes I do it right and sometimes I don't wrong.

(15:35):
But I make sure that I always turn back up to repair anything I need to repair and be accountable for what I did.
It is always an absolute delight to chat with you guys, and I love hearing the feedback that you give. Leave it in the comments. Email me. Open up! This is wonderful. This is what the world needs is more authentic conversations about when things are hard and how to make them a bit lighter.

(15:58):
So take care my beautiful souls and we will be together again before you know it.
And that is all for today folks. I feel so grateful and blessed to be able to share these stories with you and to bring us together as a community. I'm Gayle Wilson and this is So Kate's podcast, naked. You can find further resources at my website, silk healing.com today here.

(16:22):
These resources are designed to support you and your family as you experience big emotions through this journey back to empowerment, healing and self connection.
Don't forget to follow and subscribe so that you can get notifications on the next episode as it lands.
Take care and just be kind to yourself.
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