February 27, 2025 • 14 mins
SEASON 2, EP 8 - Intimacy: Are We F*cking it Up?
Intimacy is about so much more than physical connection—it’s about the unspoken, the seen, and the felt. In this episode, I explore the deeper layers of intimacy, from the quiet power of touch to the transformative potential of silence and mindful presence.
I share a story from a retreat in Bali, where I witnessed a couple communicate profoundly without a single word, and the lessons it taught me about connection. If you’ve ever questioned how to bridge the gap between what you feel and what you express, or how to deepen your connections, this episode offers a fresh perspective on intimacy in all its forms—beyond just the physical.
In This Episode, We Cover:
-
How societal norms around touch and consent may inadvertently create barriers to authentic connection.
-
Gayle's experience at a retreat in Bali, where she witnessed a couple's powerful nonverbal connection during a silent retreat.
-
The transformative potential of removing language and relying on other senses to communicate.
-
Exercises that involve witnessing and holding space for another person without the need for words.
-
The importance of maintaining touch and physical affection with loved ones, even as they grow older and may pull away.
-
How to differentiate between touch as a form of care and touch with a sexual connotation.
-
Practical ways to incorporate more meaningful touch into your daily life.
If today’s episode resonated with you, take the next step and join The Toolkit – a free resource to help you deepen your self-discovery: https://courses.soulcarehealing.com.au/thetoolkit
Timestamps / Chapter Markers
00:59 A Transformative Retreat in Bali
01:27 Witnessing a Couple on a Silent Retreat
03:10 The Power of Non-Verbal Communication
04:49 The Culture of Touch and Consent
06:26 An Exercise in Energetic Connection
07:28 The Societal Association of Touch with Sexuality
08:31 Bringing the Lessons Home
09:19 The Wim Hof Weekend Experience
10:21 The Discomfort of Deep Intimacy
11:06 Maintaining Touch with Children
12:02 Intimacy Education in Schools
12:24 The Physical and Emotional Impact of Hugs
Resources & Links:
-
Soul Care Healing Website: http://soulcarehealing.com.au/
-
Soul Care Healing Instagram: http://instagram.com/soulcarehealing_
-
Soul Care Healing Facebook: http://facebook.com/soulcarehealing
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Hello. Hello, souls. And welcome back for another episode of season two.
In the podcast today, I wanted to share with you that something that might make you think a little bit outside the box and might be a little bit controversial. And that's okay. That's okay. It's a really interesting one because there's so much in the world around touch now, and there's so much we need, and rightly so, in regards to getting consent.
(00:40):
And I'm wondering if part of this consent means that there is something that we're missing out on in our human interactions. We're safeguarding ourselves so much that potentially we're missing out on something so special in the right circumstances. Let me explain.
A couple of years ago, when I went to Bali and I went on this amazing retreat
(01:03):
the venue that we stayed in hosted multiple people. So our retreat where some of the guests and then there was lots of other guests. And in this space and in this place, people just do life a little bit differently. It is very touchy feely
and it possibly could have been a little bit confronting for some
(01:26):
while I was there.
There was a couple that were a couple of years younger than me. They didn't have any children yet, and every time I witnessed them at the meals, or if I came across them at the beach, the way they communicated and the way they used touch and eye contact, it was so intense. And every time I witnessed them, I just thought, wow,
(01:50):
there is so much happening with their eyes.
There is so much happening with their body language. And it was absolutely sensational to witness. So one day, after I'd been witnessing them for quite a few days in a row there at breakfast, and being the person who I am, I often interject myself in all sorts of circumstances everywhere in the world. I approached them at the table and I said, I just really want to let you guys know that you are so wonderful to witness.
(02:24):
I've been watching you. We are at the same venue where having meals at the same time, and the way you guys give eye contact and the way that you touch is extraordinary. And to witness it kind of feels like I'm involved in something that's a bit sacred and it feels a little bit naughty, like I'm not meant to say it.
(02:44):
And he smiled at her and he stood up and he nodded. And that's all he did. And he walked away
and she said to me, we're actually on a silent retreat with just the two of us. And I was like, what do you mean? A silent retreat? And she goes, well, we take seven days and we don't say a single word to one another that we rely on all the other senses in our being to ask questions and be curious and to show love.
(03:10):
My mind was blown. I was like, serious? She's like, yes, when you take away language, you increase the sensuality in your relationship and the sex is amazing. You just not distract it at trying to find an answer or come up with a conversation. It's like you just clear the slate of all of the words. And this got me so fascinating.
(03:36):
I said, well, I can tell you, I'm not even in your relationship. And I'm turned on. Watching you like this is incredible. My mind is blowing. I thought, oh wow, I'm such a chatterbox. How would I go if someone took away my ability to use words to express myself? And so I got home from this retreat and I started talking to my husband and I.
(03:57):
As I said, I am a chatterbox. So I'm offering nattering away. And I started telling him about this couple that I met, and I had a few interactions with them over that course of that weekend with no words, but it was like the smile lasts a bit longer when you smile and the eye contact is a little bit longer.
And he sort of said to me, you know, I was waffling on and saying, you know, and then I don't talk. And it's a seven days of silence and you guys up, what, seven days? Sign me up. I'm doing it now, babe. Let's start right now. And he was joking very, very funny. And I said to him, it ain't that, is it?
(04:31):
You have to take me somewhere absolutely fucking sensational in the world to get me silent for seven times. Like the view's got to be good. The food's going to be amazing. You don't do this in your own home in the normal ribbons of your life. And he was like, oh, wow. Almost had you almost had a week of silence.
And it got me thinking and expressing back more to that retreat. And when I come back to what I was saying earlier in the episode about these people live a bit differently. There is more touch, and there's not so much asking for consent all the time, and probably because if you turned up there, you're open. You're open to other humans.
(05:08):
And there was a couple of activities that we did with same gender people. So part of the retreat was we had one exercise where we sat with another person who were not romantically linked with, and we wrapped our legs around one another. And you spent the whole time just staring into each other's eyes. Now, when I mentioned this activity to my husband, he was like, oh, why?
(05:30):
And I said, it's just about letting go and exposing yourself. And there's something about someone having all eyes on them, someone's undivided attention that creates this vulnerability
that inadvertently leads itself into a release like, oh my God, I'm saying, but I'm not just saying in the here and now. I'm saying for everything and how you don't actually always need to have this conversation or prompt to witness someone.
(06:04):
And as the tales come, you've got to have that composure to hold that space for each other. You can't go to pieces. And the other thing, too, is you don't need to go to pieces. It doesn't have to be catastrophic in these emotions.
And the same was said when I did another exercise with the gentleman. So this exercise is where you sit opposite one another and you feed each other your energy.
(06:26):
Now I want to be really clear, there is no sexual element to this. This is just two humans, genderless, expressing and connecting with one another. So I sat opposite this man. Never met him before in my life.
and we had to do this exercise with our hands where we held him in front of one another, and one of us closed our eyes down and moved, and the other person joined in and moved and just followed your lead.
(06:53):
Now, I would imagine
that if I was witnessed by someone in this same town, and I think really anyone that's familiar to you and they watched the intimacy of me with that other man, possibly would feel compelled to tell Jason I was having an affair,
that that level of intimacy witnessed. If you're not in the moment and you haven't made really clear boundaries on what the intention and the outcome was going to be, they possibly would have said, I saw your wife with another man, and it looks very intimate.
(07:28):
And so it's got me realize how much as witness when we grow up in a world where most touch post puberty is connected to a sexual outcome,
it kind of is like there has to be an expectation of what happens or what that leads into. It can't just be two humans witnessing one another. It's risky. It's naughty, it's meant to be private.
(07:57):
But when you're in a world on retreat or even some of the northern Queensland areas, this way of living and loving all humans is so wonderful. It's such a clearing experience
and you know that it's just in this moment I see you and you see me and your back story doesn't matter. And all the times you stuffed up or you cheated on someone or you did something or you failed at a job, or maybe you went bankrupt or whatever it is.
(08:24):
And none of it matters, because I'm not witnessing your past and I'm not committed to your future. I'm just here with you right now.
So I've brought this exercise home, and I've created this intimacy with my husband.
And where we might we've done it maybe once or twice since I've had this experience where we would sit on the floor and we would just witness one another.
And at the start, he couldn't help but giggle because it was intense. It was like it brought out this teenage boy in him that was like, I don't know. I don't know what to do with all this attention. I just want to kiss you, to shut it down or just to be in it and show it and express it like, no, you know, to kiss me.
(09:00):
There's no sex after this. We are just witnessing one another. And his body did not know what the hell to do with this level of affection and intimacy. It was so fascinating.
And again, a couple of years later, again, he and I went and did a Wim Hof weekend, which was all about getting really uncomfortable, like the ice baths.
We went in on -15 degrees. It was flipping torture, and one of the exercises there was that you had to sit with a stranger, coil your legs around one another, and stare deeply into each other's eyes. And there was no giggling. You weren't allowed to make humor your rescue blanket. You just had to be in the moment. And I can feel it for.
(09:42):
And it was this level of wanting to poke his tongue out a bit cheeky, and it was kind of like giving him a frown. Not here, not now. And he's like, oh yeah, sorry, I've got to be very serious. And but even when you try to be serious, it was so damn adorable that even I was getting the giggles.
And I'm like, no, this is not what the moment is about. And then how much do we deflect when we're a little bit uncomfortable in intimacy? How much do we use laughter or a tongue poke to break the cycle and do a circuit breaker of something that is so innately beautiful and precious
(10:17):
that we just miss it?
We feel this overwhelming discomfort with this level of love and affection, that we break it with some sort of joke or some sort of common until some sort of mannerism, because it is too intense to be loved like this.
(10:39):
It is a little bit uncomfortable
we do one of two things. We want to hide from it, because we've never safely been comfortable to feel that level of love without getting emotional. And we don't want to get emotional. So we're going to make it funny, or we get to an age where potentially, as we pull away as teenagers, we stop getting touched.
But as humans, we desire touch so much that we find romantic partners to enable us to do that.
(11:06):
So what I really want to create a very powerful conversation around is to maintain touch, even when the kids are pulling away,
wrapping, you know, change the hug. So if your son or your daughter don't want to do front on body hugs anymore because it's all the private things are all touching and it's all a bit weird and they feel a bit uncomfortable with your body or their body.
(11:27):
Then change it. Go sideways, put your arm around them around the waist. Well, minor. All too tall. Now I have to go around the waist. Go over the shoulder, keep it up with a slap on the shoulder, rubbing the side of their arms or they're talking to you. Keep that maternal touch flowing so they don't feel like they need to seek it from other people in a romantic
(11:49):
relationship to feel this deep desire within them.
Teach them the difference between touch as being a form of showing care, rather than a form to receive what they want as an outcome. In the end,
if I could put this program into schools now, I know kids wouldn't receive it so well. But even if it was like some part of your year 12 studies that you had to do this lesson on intimacy
(12:14):
and how you can get it from a stranger and how you can keep
this beautiful thread, connected without it being part of a sexual connotation.
I really feel like the world would feel more loved and they would give love so freely. I've got friends now that I hug and possibly in this modern world I'm supposed to say, can I give you a hug? But I don't. I know them well enough, and some of them freeze and stiffen up, and then about three seconds later you feel them going, oh, that's right, it's only girl, I'm safe.
(12:44):
And they melt into the hug and then their arms wrap around me to
say somewhere at some point that I will never touch softly or fell away, and they become a bit disconnected from it. And so when someone gives it to them, it takes them a split second to have a whether it's actually internal conversation or whether it's a memory system to go, this person is safe.
I can enjoy this. And in fact, it feels really bloody nice.
(13:07):
and I have friends that never had when I first met them. And I give them a hug now and they do that phrasing, and now they're the first ones jumping in for the hug because the safety has been expanded and it is so good,
I can tell you, keep up the hugs with the kids, keep up the fist pumps, keep up the high fives.
Any time the skin touches you are leaving a beautiful imprint on helping them feel connected.
(13:33):
So I hope this created a bit of juiciness within your thought processes of how you're doing touch and how you can expand on it. And what is intimacy and how can I ask for that? Or how can I give it without having any expectations of an end?
Bang!
Take care my beautiful soul and I will be talking to you again very soon.
(13:54):
And that is all for today folks. I feel so grateful and blessed to be able to share these stories with you and to bring us together as a community. I'm Gayle Wilson and this is So Kate's podcast, naked. You can find further resources at my website, silk healing.com today here.
These resources are designed to support you and your family as you experience big emotions through this journey back to empowerment, healing and self connection.
(14:21):
Don't forget to follow and subscribe so that you can get notifications on the next episode as it lands.
Take care and just be kind to yourself.
Hello. Hello, souls. And welcome back for another episode of season two.
In the podcast today, I wanted to share with you that something that might make you think a little bit outside the box and might be a little bit controversial. And that's okay. That's okay. It's a really interesting one because there's so much in the world around touch now, and there's so much we need, and rightly so, in regards to getting consent.
(00:40):
And I'm wondering if part of this consent means that there is something that we're missing out on in our human interactions. We're safeguarding ourselves so much that potentially we're missing out on something so special in the right circumstances. Let me explain.
A couple of years ago, when I went to Bali and I went on this amazing retreat
(01:03):
the venue that we stayed in hosted multiple people. So our retreat where some of the guests and then there was lots of other guests. And in this space and in this place, people just do life a little bit differently. It is very touchy feely
and it possibly could have been a little bit confronting for some
(01:26):
while I was there.
There was a couple that were a couple of years younger than me. They didn't have any children yet, and every time I witnessed them at the meals, or if I came across them at the beach, the way they communicated and the way they used touch and eye contact, it was so intense. And every time I witnessed them, I just thought, wow,
(01:50):
there is so much happening with their eyes.
There is so much happening with their body language. And it was absolutely sensational to witness. So one day, after I'd been witnessing them for quite a few days in a row there at breakfast, and being the person who I am, I often interject myself in all sorts of circumstances everywhere in the world. I approached them at the table and I said, I just really want to let you guys know that you are so wonderful to witness.
(02:24):
I've been watching you. We are at the same venue where having meals at the same time, and the way you guys give eye contact and the way that you touch is extraordinary. And to witness it kind of feels like I'm involved in something that's a bit sacred and it feels a little bit naughty, like I'm not meant to say it.
(02:44):
And he smiled at her and he stood up and he nodded. And that's all he did. And he walked away
and she said to me, we're actually on a silent retreat with just the two of us. And I was like, what do you mean? A silent retreat? And she goes, well, we take seven days and we don't say a single word to one another that we rely on all the other senses in our being to ask questions and be curious and to show love.
(03:10):
My mind was blown. I was like, serious? She's like, yes, when you take away language, you increase the sensuality in your relationship and the sex is amazing. You just not distract it at trying to find an answer or come up with a conversation. It's like you just clear the slate of all of the words. And this got me so fascinating.
(03:36):
I said, well, I can tell you, I'm not even in your relationship. And I'm turned on. Watching you like this is incredible. My mind is blowing. I thought, oh wow, I'm such a chatterbox. How would I go if someone took away my ability to use words to express myself? And so I got home from this retreat and I started talking to my husband and I.
(03:57):
As I said, I am a chatterbox. So I'm offering nattering away. And I started telling him about this couple that I met, and I had a few interactions with them over that course of that weekend with no words, but it was like the smile lasts a bit longer when you smile and the eye contact is a little bit longer.
And he sort of said to me, you know, I was waffling on and saying, you know, and then I don't talk. And it's a seven days of silence and you guys up, what, seven days? Sign me up. I'm doing it now, babe. Let's start right now. And he was joking very, very funny. And I said to him, it ain't that, is it?
(04:31):
You have to take me somewhere absolutely fucking sensational in the world to get me silent for seven times. Like the view's got to be good. The food's going to be amazing. You don't do this in your own home in the normal ribbons of your life. And he was like, oh, wow. Almost had you almost had a week of silence.
And it got me thinking and expressing back more to that retreat. And when I come back to what I was saying earlier in the episode about these people live a bit differently. There is more touch, and there's not so much asking for consent all the time, and probably because if you turned up there, you're open. You're open to other humans.
(05:08):
And there was a couple of activities that we did with same gender people. So part of the retreat was we had one exercise where we sat with another person who were not romantically linked with, and we wrapped our legs around one another. And you spent the whole time just staring into each other's eyes. Now, when I mentioned this activity to my husband, he was like, oh, why?
(05:30):
And I said, it's just about letting go and exposing yourself. And there's something about someone having all eyes on them, someone's undivided attention that creates this vulnerability
that inadvertently leads itself into a release like, oh my God, I'm saying, but I'm not just saying in the here and now. I'm saying for everything and how you don't actually always need to have this conversation or prompt to witness someone.
(06:04):
And as the tales come, you've got to have that composure to hold that space for each other. You can't go to pieces. And the other thing, too, is you don't need to go to pieces. It doesn't have to be catastrophic in these emotions.
And the same was said when I did another exercise with the gentleman. So this exercise is where you sit opposite one another and you feed each other your energy.
(06:26):
Now I want to be really clear, there is no sexual element to this. This is just two humans, genderless, expressing and connecting with one another. So I sat opposite this man. Never met him before in my life.
and we had to do this exercise with our hands where we held him in front of one another, and one of us closed our eyes down and moved, and the other person joined in and moved and just followed your lead.
(06:53):
Now, I would imagine
that if I was witnessed by someone in this same town, and I think really anyone that's familiar to you and they watched the intimacy of me with that other man, possibly would feel compelled to tell Jason I was having an affair,
that that level of intimacy witnessed. If you're not in the moment and you haven't made really clear boundaries on what the intention and the outcome was going to be, they possibly would have said, I saw your wife with another man, and it looks very intimate.
(07:28):
And so it's got me realize how much as witness when we grow up in a world where most touch post puberty is connected to a sexual outcome,
it kind of is like there has to be an expectation of what happens or what that leads into. It can't just be two humans witnessing one another. It's risky. It's naughty, it's meant to be private.
(07:57):
But when you're in a world on retreat or even some of the northern Queensland areas, this way of living and loving all humans is so wonderful. It's such a clearing experience
and you know that it's just in this moment I see you and you see me and your back story doesn't matter. And all the times you stuffed up or you cheated on someone or you did something or you failed at a job, or maybe you went bankrupt or whatever it is.
(08:24):
And none of it matters, because I'm not witnessing your past and I'm not committed to your future. I'm just here with you right now.
So I've brought this exercise home, and I've created this intimacy with my husband.
And where we might we've done it maybe once or twice since I've had this experience where we would sit on the floor and we would just witness one another.
And at the start, he couldn't help but giggle because it was intense. It was like it brought out this teenage boy in him that was like, I don't know. I don't know what to do with all this attention. I just want to kiss you, to shut it down or just to be in it and show it and express it like, no, you know, to kiss me.
(09:00):
There's no sex after this. We are just witnessing one another. And his body did not know what the hell to do with this level of affection and intimacy. It was so fascinating.
And again, a couple of years later, again, he and I went and did a Wim Hof weekend, which was all about getting really uncomfortable, like the ice baths.
We went in on -15 degrees. It was flipping torture, and one of the exercises there was that you had to sit with a stranger, coil your legs around one another, and stare deeply into each other's eyes. And there was no giggling. You weren't allowed to make humor your rescue blanket. You just had to be in the moment. And I can feel it for.
(09:42):
And it was this level of wanting to poke his tongue out a bit cheeky, and it was kind of like giving him a frown. Not here, not now. And he's like, oh yeah, sorry, I've got to be very serious. And but even when you try to be serious, it was so damn adorable that even I was getting the giggles.
And I'm like, no, this is not what the moment is about. And then how much do we deflect when we're a little bit uncomfortable in intimacy? How much do we use laughter or a tongue poke to break the cycle and do a circuit breaker of something that is so innately beautiful and precious
(10:17):
that we just miss it?
We feel this overwhelming discomfort with this level of love and affection, that we break it with some sort of joke or some sort of common until some sort of mannerism, because it is too intense to be loved like this.
(10:39):
It is a little bit uncomfortable
we do one of two things. We want to hide from it, because we've never safely been comfortable to feel that level of love without getting emotional. And we don't want to get emotional. So we're going to make it funny, or we get to an age where potentially, as we pull away as teenagers, we stop getting touched.
But as humans, we desire touch so much that we find romantic partners to enable us to do that.
(11:06):
So what I really want to create a very powerful conversation around is to maintain touch, even when the kids are pulling away,
wrapping, you know, change the hug. So if your son or your daughter don't want to do front on body hugs anymore because it's all the private things are all touching and it's all a bit weird and they feel a bit uncomfortable with your body or their body.
(11:27):
Then change it. Go sideways, put your arm around them around the waist. Well, minor. All too tall. Now I have to go around the waist. Go over the shoulder, keep it up with a slap on the shoulder, rubbing the side of their arms or they're talking to you. Keep that maternal touch flowing so they don't feel like they need to seek it from other people in a romantic
(11:49):
relationship to feel this deep desire within them.
Teach them the difference between touch as being a form of showing care, rather than a form to receive what they want as an outcome. In the end,
if I could put this program into schools now, I know kids wouldn't receive it so well. But even if it was like some part of your year 12 studies that you had to do this lesson on intimacy
(12:14):
and how you can get it from a stranger and how you can keep
this beautiful thread, connected without it being part of a sexual connotation.
I really feel like the world would feel more loved and they would give love so freely. I've got friends now that I hug and possibly in this modern world I'm supposed to say, can I give you a hug? But I don't. I know them well enough, and some of them freeze and stiffen up, and then about three seconds later you feel them going, oh, that's right, it's only girl, I'm safe.
(12:44):
And they melt into the hug and then their arms wrap around me to
say somewhere at some point that I will never touch softly or fell away, and they become a bit disconnected from it. And so when someone gives it to them, it takes them a split second to have a whether it's actually internal conversation or whether it's a memory system to go, this person is safe.
I can enjoy this. And in fact, it feels really bloody nice.
(13:07):
and I have friends that never had when I first met them. And I give them a hug now and they do that phrasing, and now they're the first ones jumping in for the hug because the safety has been expanded and it is so good,
I can tell you, keep up the hugs with the kids, keep up the fist pumps, keep up the high fives.
Any time the skin touches you are leaving a beautiful imprint on helping them feel connected.
(13:33):
So I hope this created a bit of juiciness within your thought processes of how you're doing touch and how you can expand on it. And what is intimacy and how can I ask for that? Or how can I give it without having any expectations of an end?
Bang!
Take care my beautiful soul and I will be talking to you again very soon.
(13:54):
And that is all for today folks. I feel so grateful and blessed to be able to share these stories with you and to bring us together as a community. I'm Gayle Wilson and this is So Kate's podcast, naked. You can find further resources at my website, silk healing.com today here.
These resources are designed to support you and your family as you experience big emotions through this journey back to empowerment, healing and self connection.
(14:21):
Don't forget to follow and subscribe so that you can get notifications on the next episode as it lands.
Take care and just be kind to yourself.
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