#48 How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships With Esin Pinarli, LCSW MCAP

What if your past didn’t have to dictate your future?

Esin Pinarli is a human behavior specialist offering psychotherapy to couples, using the Imago and Gottman methods in conjunction with emotional-focused therapy. She joins us to share her perspective on the deep-rooted beliefs behind our actions and reactions within the context of relationships.

We touch on how trauma affects us all, and common actions that trigger a trauma response within relationships. Tune in to hear how the support of a therapist can help everyone to unpack the experiences behind their trauma, how the four attachment styles impact our relationships, and how the pandemic has changed the way in which we relate to one another.

Esin also explains the role of our nervous system in creating connection and attachment, common reasons why couples become dissatisfied with their sex lives, and much more.

Key Points From This Episode:

•    An introduction to Esin Pinarli’s counseling practice.

•    Unpacking the buzzword, ‘trauma’, and how it affects all of us.

•    Common actions that trigger a trauma response.

•    The role of negativity bias.

•    Advice for those seeking to address their trauma.

•    How a therapist can support people as they unpack the experiences behind their trauma.

•    The four attachment styles and how they impact our relationships.

•    What the collective trauma of the pandemic has done to the state of attachment.

•    Differentiating between introversion and the avoidant personality type.

•    How codependency fits into attachment styles.

•    Your nervous system’s role in creating connection and attachment.

•    Why couples become dissatisfied with their sex lives.

•    What effective communication might look like.

•    Cultivating ‘the space between’ where intimacy exists within relationships.

•    Simple solutions for the process addiction that comes from porn usage.

Quotes:

“People always think they have to qualify for trauma. Everybody has had a certain level of embedded trauma.” — Esin Pinarli [0:02:41]

 

“We should always be doing the work. There are just so many things in our subconscious that we are not aware of.” — Esin Pinarli [0:10:33]

 

“A therapist is somebody who will help you to make sense of what’s inside of you, and to untangle and unprocess that trauma so that it doesn’t dictate your future.” — Esin Pinarli [0:11:37]

 

“If you don’t have enough rupture and repair, you always end up feeling disconnected from your partner.” — Esin Pinarli [0:42:15]

 

“Not only do we have a dance with our romantic partners, a cadence and a rhythm,