May 14, 2024 • 34 mins
Is there a dog in your head? If you’re ever worried or stressed (and who isn’t?) then the answer is yes! In today’s episode we’ll explore a fascinating analogy of how our egos are like dogs as we dive into the art of how to worry less. The inner voice in your mind shapes your reactions to uncertainties and–like a dog–it can be trained. Today’s episode uncovers why our brain loves to cling to negative thoughts and why we struggle to live in the present. You’ll get actionable tips on how to move from chronic worry to a more intentional stress-free approach to life.
In this episode you’ll learn:
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How do I stop worrying about the future?
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How can I deal with negative thoughts?
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Why do we worry about things we can't control?
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How can I live more in the present moment?
Topics Covered:
- Managing fear and negativity
- Eckhart Tolle
- Sonia Choquette
- Managing worry
- Brain's negativity bias
- Relationship with ego
- The effects of worry
- Relationship with Ego
- Living in the present
Key Moments in the Show:
[02:11] How Stress Shows Up in Your Body
[05:30] How Your Brain is Wired to Worry
08:55] The Unsolvable Problem with Worrying
[12:39] How To Be Grateful for Past Mistakes
[18:59] How to Take Charge of the Inner Critic in Your Head
[26:40] What Kind of Dog is In Your Head?
Get free resources for this episode at TanyaDalton.com/connect
Connect with Tanya Dalton on LinkedIn
Watch the episode on YouTube
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Google Podcasts
Full Transcript and Show Notes: TanyaDalton.com/podcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, hello, everyone, and welcome
to the Intentional Advantage podcast.
I'm your host, Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 299.
We have a great show planned for today,
we're piggybacking off of that whole
idea we talked about in our last episode.
Our last episode was called The
Power of Imperfect Decisions, and I
(00:20):
loved how so many of you reacted to
that term of imperfect decisions.
Because, well, truly, all decisions are
imperfect, we can't see into the future.
We can't control what happens.
So anytime we are making decisions,
That adds a lot of worry onto our plate.
So I knew that for today's episode,
I wanted to talk about how to reduce
(00:42):
your worry, how to worry less, how we
can free ourselves by letting go of
a lot of that stress and worry that
comes not just with decision making,
but just, you know, everyday life.
I know for me as somebody who
was a big worrier for years and
years, I worried and worried and
worried, and now I don't worry.
(01:03):
how much better that makes me feel.
So we're going to be
talking about that today.
We're going to talk about
how you can worry less.
We're going to talk about how you
can let go of that uncertainty
and what that looks like.
And we're even going to talk about
what kind of dog lives in your head.
I know that sounds weird, but
it'll all make sense once we
(01:24):
get started with today's show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
(01:46):
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
(02:08):
This is The Intentional Advantage.
I thought that today would be a great
day for us to talk about worry, because
this is definitely a time where you
and I could be very, very worried.
It's the middle of May and Jack has
been gone for, as we record this,
Jack's been gone for a whole week.
(02:29):
He is over in Europe for two months
traveling basically by himself.
And I found it really ironic when I was
mapping out the season, I knew we were
going to talk about decision making,
which we talked about in that last
episode, the power of imperfect decisions.
And the whole idea of talking about
worry makes sense because Well, those
(02:50):
two go hand in hand, decision making
and worrying about the decision making.
But the irony of the fact that we're
doing this episode when our child is
all the way across the ocean is kind of
crazy, because this is a time that should
be filled with worry for the two of us.
100%.
Yeah.
I mean.
10 years ago this would have been totally
different and not just because he would
(03:11):
have been 11, which would have been
not appropriate, but even if it was 10
years ago and he was 21, we would have
handled this very, very differently.
right now, I mean, I have to say, I'm
very proud of us for being so hands off
and letting him make his own plans and
his own mistakes and he's having fun.
He is having a fantastic time and I
(03:32):
think that's the thing that's been
so fun is literally we wake up in the
morning because he's five hours ahead
of us with where he is now and our phone
is filled with pictures and things that
he's doing and it's interesting because
you and I were talking about this.
I used to be when we
first got married and.
I would say for the majority of
our marriage, I was a worrier.
(03:53):
I worried about everything incessantly.
I was just such a worrier.
I would worry about all kinds of things.
And now today I don't worry at all.
I rarely worry.
Do you agree that, I mean, it's
kind of a crazy transition, but
I don't worry at all anymore.
No, I totally agree.
You know, in You know, when we met,
(04:14):
you were a worrier so much that
your dad worried about you so much.
He gave you a book called Don't
Sweat the Small Stuff because he
wanted you to just like keep reading
it over and over and over again.
So you would stop worrying
about everything all the time.
And I don't even know where that book is
anymore and you certainly don't need it.
So it doesn't matter where it is, but
you're a completely different person.
(04:36):
Yeah.
And I think it's interesting because
I self identified as a worrier.
And I think a lot of people do
they say, well, I'm just a worrier.
And that's, that's the end of it.
It did take some work
and some intentionality.
Some of that.
We're going to be talking about
today on the episode of how I shifted
from being essentially a worry
wart into being somebody who rarely
(04:57):
worries or stresses about anything.
And for me, it is very freeing.
It allows me to really allow my brain
to focus on what matters because
the worrying doesn't help anything.
Truly, as much as you worry,
it doesn't change any outcomes.
I think that's a, that's a big thing.
And if you believe in any of those
(05:18):
laws of attraction, quite frankly, if
you are worrying about something, If
you believe in the law of attraction,
you're literally calling it in.
Every time you're thinking about it,
you're bringing that closer to you.
So for me to go from incessantly worrying
to not worrying has been amazing because
I feel like it has freed me up and it has
(05:39):
made me feel physically so much better.
I mean, truly, when we worry, there
is a physical response in our body,
it triggers the stress response, which
means it suppresses certain hormones
and it elevates other hormones and
that you feel in your body and a
lot of that can turn into disease.
(06:00):
And even if you're a person who thinks
to yourself, I don't know about that,
I want you to think right now about
something that worries you, something
that maybe stresses you out, Think
about that situation just for a second.
Do you feel it in your body?
Yeah, you feel it somewhere.
You feel it maybe in the back of
your neck or in your shoulders.
(06:20):
Maybe you're like me.
I felt a lot of it in my stomach
and my stomach would get upset.
My stomach would be in knots or I'd
feel this tension in different areas.
So when we stop worrying, it
really does allow our bodies,
first of all, to work much better.
We know our bodies work better
when they're not stressed.
But it also allows our brain to
be able to focus on other things.
(06:41):
And I think this is a thing is, so
often we store a lot of our emotions.
We've talked about that
on the podcast before.
When we're angry, we feel it in our body.
When we're sad, we feel it.
When we're happy, think about anytime
you have big emotions, we have that
stored in our body and if we don't
(07:02):
release it, it's going to stay in there.
And that's what ends up causing a lot
of diseases and a lot, there's all kinds
of amazing research with, people who
are really controlling or really want
to control their situations and how
that's correlated with multiple sclerosis
and some of these other diseases.
So it is not only really good for your
(07:23):
brain, but it's good for your body to
let go of this stress and the worry.
And I think this is the thing is.
We feel like worrying is productive.
Because it's like, well, even
if there's not something I
can do, I can worry about it.
Worrying isn't productive.
If you've listened to this podcast
or read my books, you know,
productivity isn't about doing more.
(07:45):
It's doing what's most important.
Is worrying the thing
that's most important?
Worrying is just keeping
your mind spinning and busy.
So a lot of times that is one of the
reasons why we feel almost compelled to
worry, that if our kid goes to Europe for
two months on a shoestring budget, like
my own child, I say child, but he's 21.
(08:05):
So he's what a man child, I guess, in many
ways, still a child, but also an adult.
He's totally having a child, but worrying
about him really isn't helping him.
And honestly, if I was worrying
and asking him all these worrying
questions, it would, it would
take a chink out of his armor.
It would make him feel like I didn't have
(08:27):
the confidence in him, which would steal
away some of his own self confidence.
I think you're right.
Worrying is the exact opposite
of productive, if you think about
it, it really makes you freeze.
It's like a, like a fear response that
you're actually not doing anything
about what you're worrying about.
You're just, you're just sitting
there worrying, making no progress.
So.
(08:47):
it is super unhelpful for
a hundred reasons, like you
said, it's not productive.
It's bad for your mental
and physical health.
There is this negative cycle of thoughts.
That once they start, it almost
feels like a roller coaster
that you just can't get off of.
And it just keeps going
again and again and again.
And a lot of times we are thinking
about worst case scenarios,
(09:08):
anticipated threats, problems.
Or a lot of times there's scenarios
that reflect our own feelings of
low self worth, We feel like, Oh,
we should have changed this or
we could have controlled this.
Or what if I had done these things?
And to be honest with you, a lot of that
negativity is it's wired into our brains.
It's wired there.
I talked about this in my second book in
(09:31):
On Purpose, this idea and this concept
that our brain is naturally wired
to want to focus in on the negative.
It does that as a survival technique.
There's a neuroscientist who talks
about the fact that the negative
thoughts and ideas that we have,
They're like velcro to your brain.
So they stick, but the positive
ones, they're like Teflon.
They slide right on off.
(09:52):
And that's a survival technique.
It's because our brain
wants us to survive.
Of course it does.
So with our cave ancestors, we wanted
to remember the negative things.
We wanted to remember, Oh, fire burns.
So let's not touch it.
We wanted to remember, Oh, you
can't pet a saber tooth tiger.
our brain is naturally wired that way.
So it's not surprising.
And there's nothing wrong with
(10:12):
you if you feel like, gosh, I
do always go to the negative.
Just know that is a very natural thing.
But honestly, a lot of these worries,
these ideas, these scenarios, these
stories we're telling ourselves about
what might happen or what could happen,
they're not steeped in any sort of truth.
They're rooted in these made up
(10:34):
ideas or concept of what could
happen, rather than just the truth.
None of it is Based on reality.
And a lot of times it is actually the
stress and the worrying leading up to the
event that causes all the suffering or
all the anxiety, not the event itself.
We've had several conversations about
(10:56):
difficult conversations on this podcast,
and you've heard me say before, it's the
first five minutes of those difficult
conversations that's the hardest.
You know why?
It's the buildup.
It's getting to the conversation.
It's worrying about it.
It's losing sleep over it.
Then when you have the
conversation, huh, so much easier.
Absolutely.
(11:17):
And I had to have one of
those difficult conversations
recently with, a family member.
And I would argue with you, it
wasn't the first five minutes of the
conversation that were the hardest.
It was the five days leading up to the
conversation that was the hardest, I
think that's what you mean when you're
talking about that anticipation.
but that's so much worse than the actual
event, whether that's, You know, you have
to give a presentation, the preparing for
(11:39):
it, gearing up, getting in that mindset
to step on stage is much harder than
actually giving the presentation itself.
because it's, it's that worry.
And I think, the other thing that I
wanted to touch on when we were talking
about this a couple of days ago,
one of the things that I guess never
really occurred to me when I think
about worrying, I'm always thinking
about, worrying about things in the
(11:59):
future, Like, what's going to happen.
But I think when we were talking about
it, it was kind of interesting that I
had never thought about this before,
but we worry about things in the past
too, so it's not just what if it's,
if only I guess would be the term
I would use because we think about
things that happened in the past.
We're like, gosh, if I had just
made this decision, this would
have been totally different.
And that is equally as unhelpful, right?
(12:21):
We don't learn or gain anything
from that, other than maybe just set
some bad patterns into our brains.
so, you know, when you think about worry,
think about not worrying about things
that have already happened because that's,
equally as unimportant when you're really
trying to work through some things.
Well, I think you bring up a really
good point there too, because a lot
(12:42):
of the things that we're worrying
about are not really solvable.
There are solvable problems and there
are problems that are not solvable.
I mean, I tell my kids all the time, all
problems can be solved, but the truth
is getting into a magic time machine
and going back in the past to change it.
That's a problem that can't be solved.
Or using that same magic time machine
to go in the future and affect
(13:02):
what the future is going to be.
That also cannot be solved.
When I was diving into the research of
worry, I was finding that there are a
lot of themes that come up with worry.
The most common worries are
things like job security, money,
relationships, especially our kids.
And I think that's a big one, But
the truth is, we can't control Yes,
(13:25):
there are parts of it we can control,
but we can't control the whole thing.
So, for example, with Jack being
in Europe, me worrying about him
making his train or, being smart and
mindful while he's walking around
and not leaving his backpack open
or being able to catch his flight.
Those are not things I can control.
But what I can't control is the fact that
(13:47):
I realize, you know what, when my kids
were young, and I think we've talked about
this on the podcast before, when they
were as young as five years old, I would
have them lead us through the airport.
I would say, okay, where's
our next flight going?
They would check the board.
They knew how to get us to the next gate.
They knew how to catch the
trains and read the signs.
So I was able to control that part
of the worry through some of my
actions in the past or we sat down
(14:09):
with him and we had conversations.
Hey, listen, you got to be smart
when you're walking around.
Make sure you're not
looking at your phone.
You need to have your backpack closed.
Make sure you close it this way.
So there's certain things we can do.
to help mitigate these what ifs, but
there's a lot that we cannot, and
it is those things that we cannot
control that we have to let go of.
(14:31):
There are so many things in this
world that we cannot control.
Truthfully, the only things
we can control are ourselves.
How we react, how we think, what
we do, the actions that we take.
I can't control what Jack does.
I can't control what Kay does.
I can't control what John does.
Sometimes I try to doesn't work But
(14:53):
what we can do is we can set people
up for success And I think that's the
difference is we have to understand
that we have to relinquish that control
being okay with some uncertainty in
this world because That's how the world
works, and that's how other people work.
All of us are on our own journey.
And I know for me, when I had that
(15:15):
realization with my own kids, that
every one of us is on our own journey.
I make choices that affect my life.
And I talked about this in the Substack
last week, where, you know, if I trace
the timeline of my life, even with things
like when I met John, or how I got my
job, or how I got my book deal, I never
could have predicted that pattern of
(15:36):
events bringing that to fruition, right?
All I could control was what I was doing
next and what I was choosing to do.
When we're trying to control
situations or other people, a lot
of that comes from right here.
In our minds.
It's our ego and we touched on this
idea and this concept of ego back
(15:58):
in that episode We had earlier this
season with Rachael Jayne when we
were talking about how your ego
is really there as your friend But
your ego's job is to keep you safe.
And I love what Eckhart Tolle
says about your ego He says
To the ego, the present moment
hardly exists only past and
future are considered important.
(16:20):
I think that's so valid and so true.
We're so busy ruminating on the past,
thinking about all the things we
didn't do well, or worrying about our
future that we forget about the now.
We forget about today and every
single decision you have made
in your entire life was made in
(16:40):
the the now 20 years ago, right?
It wasn't the past 20 years ago.
It was the present.
It was the moment you were in.
It was the now you were making those
decisions and you were making them to
the best of your ability with the limited
resources that you had at the time.
I mean, think about.
how much smarter you are now, 20
(17:00):
years later, all the wisdom that you
have, and the different perspectives
that you have, and the different
ways you have of, of thinking
that you didn't have 20 years ago.
this is why, and I talked
about this on my Substack,
It's not about forgiving yourself
for what you did in the past.
It's really being grateful for
decisions you made in the past.
And there's a big difference in that
(17:21):
because at the time in that now moment,
you had very different information
than you have now with your, rear
view mirror looking back in time.
So it is letting go of that
control of, I should have known.
How would you have known?
Right?
Or, I could have chosen this.
Well, you had no idea where
that was going to lead.
(17:42):
All we can do is make the best
choices and decisions in the moment.
But our ego is putting us in that magic
time machine, going back in the past, or
flying us forward into the future about
what might happen, or what could happen.
I love talking about ego because
for me, you know, we talked about
that whole idea that I used to be a
(18:03):
worrier, like a big, huge worrier.
I worried and worried and
worried and worried some more.
And now I don't.
And a lot of it is that
understanding, first of all,
That I can't control outcomes.
All I can do is make my best
decisions that I possibly can.
But it's also because I now have a
much better relationship with my ego.
(18:24):
Your ego is what's driving all of
those what if scenarios for the future.
Because your ego is, is afraid, right?
And again, we talked about this on
that episode with Rachael Jayne.
Your ego is your friend.
It wants you to survive.
It wants you to do amazing things.
But it's also very scared and it wants
you to do things just like you've done it.
(18:46):
And John, you shared with me quite a
while back this way of thinking that Sonia
Choquette talked about with your ego.
You want to talk about
that really quickly?
Because for me, this was the game changer.
This was the thing that shifted how
I spoke with my ego, how my ego spoke
with me, because your ego is that voice
(19:07):
inside your head, not the nice voice.
Not the kind voice, but the voice that's
like, Hey, you look fat in those pants.
Or, Hey, you looked really dumb today
when you gave that presentation.
Or, Why didn't you do these things?
That was dumb, right?
That's your ego.
I think we all know that especially
if you've listened to some of
your episodes in the past, your
egos main job is to keep you safe.
(19:28):
That's the only reason That it exists.
So that's why it looks in the past
and sees what's happened before to
try to predict the future in order to
keep you from harm or making mistakes.
and I always looked at ego as something
that you had to fight against your ego.
It was like a battle of who was in charge.
(19:48):
Sonia, positioned it in a much
different way, and I was like,
Oh, that makes so much sense.
She talks about ego, that your ego is like
a dog, Your dog is, man's best friend,
they're the one who can smell the bear
out in the backyard and gets up in the
middle of the night and starts barking.
Yes, it's annoying, but the
dog is trying to keep you safe.
And the whole point of the conversation
(20:09):
that she was having was, you're in
charge of the ego, just like you
would be in charge of your dog.
You are, the master of your ego.
So it's your job to, listen to the dog.
The dog is there to keep you
safe, but you're also in charge.
You should have a relationship.
It's not a fight with your ego.
It's a relationship that
you have with your ego.
And you need to be able to tell
(20:31):
your dog like, Hey, it's okay.
This is what we're going to do.
I know you're going to
try to keep us safe.
We're going to be safe.
Trust me.
We're all going to be good.
So there's really much
more of a back and forth.
And the biggest eye opener for me
again, was you're in charge of your ego.
You are the master of your ego.
So it's not that fight.
It's a relationship.
(20:51):
Absolutely.
And you know, it's funny because you say
that about the bear, but truthfully, Lucy
does wake up sometimes in the middle of
the night and she starts barking because
we'll have a bear in the backyard.
Sometimes there's no bear
in the backyard at all.
Lucy's just barking for no reason,
but we don't get up in the middle
of the night and go and kick her.
We don't yell at her and tell
(21:13):
her she's a terrible dog.
Every time we go, okay, Lucy, it's okay.
There's no bear, or, or she's run
the bear away, quite frankly, right?
So we say, oh, you're a
good dog, go back to bed.
Everybody wants to go back
to sleep, go back to bed.
We don't fuss at her, we don't fight her,
we don't yell at her, we don't kick her.
We tell her she's a good dog, but we
also tell her to quiet down, because
everybody's trying to go to sleep.
(21:35):
And it's that same idea with your ego.
For me, this was like, oh, A
lightbulb moment, when we talked
about this, that your ego is there
to protect you just like a dog does
because it wants to keep you safe.
But the big catch, as you said,
John, is that you are in charge.
So it was really interesting When
(21:56):
you shared this concept with me that
Sonia Choquette talked about, you
and I sat down and we talked about
what do we think our dog looks like?
What kind of dog is it?
And so we shut our eyes and we thought
about what kind of dog, and she doesn't
get into a process for figuring out
your dog or how to train your dog.
She just says, it's a dog.
You and I were talking about it and
(22:17):
I started to really think about,
well, how does my ego talk to me?
What does it speak to me like?
What does it sound like?
And I thought about all the
different dogs out there.
There's lots of different dogs.
There are small dogs, big
dogs, medium dogs, and guard
dogs and purse dogs, right?
There's thousands of
different kinds of dogs.
And I began to realize the way
that my dog talks to me, I like to
(22:38):
think of it as a standard poodle.
It's like one of those big, tall
poodles that has the kind of frou
frou haircut, because my ego would
speak to me in these kind of haughty
tones of, you are such an idiot.
You're so dumb.
I can't believe you did those things.
And it's very kind of snooty in
the way that it would speak to me.
(22:59):
So I started picturing my ego.
As a standard poodle, as one
of these tall, big poodles.
And I decided to name my poodle Pierre.
So Pierre is the name of my ego.
So when I needed Pierre to quiet
down, I would address Pierre.
Now you, on the other hand, John,
you saw your dog differently,
Yeah, for me, my dog, and
(23:21):
this just was immediate to me.
The course that I was taking or that I was
watching with Sonia was about intuition.
So it was all just like
okay What's coming to me?
And it was Immediately it was a
Doberman Pinscher like a very kind
of rough and scary looking dog, but
also, very highly trained and and
His name was Rex, so mine wasn't the
(23:43):
You know, the overly misogynistic,
chain smoking Frenchman like your dog.
Mine was more of the,
what did you call it?
It was like the, not a junkyard
dog, but he was like a guard dog
for a high end Coke dealer, right?
So he was very polished,
but scary at the same time.
(24:03):
And yet also highly trainable, right?
I loved how yours was not a junkyard dog.
It was a dog for cocaine
dealers, like mafia people.
Mine was with the cheap French
cigarettes and the hotties, right?
Talking.
Yours was just like, you're an idiot.
You're an idiot.
You're not smart.
Right?
(24:24):
Mine was like, uh, so it really did
help to tap into what does that voice?
And if I were to put a dog with
it, what would that dog be?
So standard poodle for me and
for you, the Doberman pincher.
And I think what's been fascinating
is since we've done that, I
literally have conversations with
(24:44):
my ego all the time because when.
Pierre starts barking really loudly at
the bear, which there is no bear truly
in my life, other than the ones tearing
apart my bird feeder in the backyard.
We do have those.
But when it starts barking really
loudly about something that maybe would
be scary or unsettling, I have these
(25:05):
conversations with Pierre and I'm like,
Hey, this is what's coming down the pipes.
Here's what's going to be happening.
I need you to take a deep breath
and I'm going to need you to sit.
And I need you just to sit there.
Well, I deal with this.
I know this is happening and that
has totally shifted everything.
Once I made my ego, not this
disembodied voice in my head that I
(25:26):
cannot control, because that was one
of the stories I was telling myself
is I have this voice in my head.
It's always there.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Once I was like, Oh no, this is
Pierre, the giant standard poodle
with the frou frou haircut.
I could say, you need to sit.
I need you to be quiet
because I'm doing this.
(25:47):
And once I started creating this
conversation back and forth, that's
when a lot of my worry went away
because my dog wasn't barking.
That's when a lot of the negativity
in my head went away because again,
Wasn't barking or I was addressing it.
So it felt more at ease.
(26:07):
It understood what was happening And
I know that seems weird to talk to the
voice that's in your head or that, you
know Kind of diatribe that's going on.
But what's weirder having that going
on and pretending like it doesn't exist
Cause it's like trying to ignore the
toddler that's jumping on your back
when you're trying to read a book.
It's so disruptive.
(26:28):
Address it and shift that behavior.
And when I did that, It was like,
Oh, all that worry went away.
And I know for you, it's
been the same, right, John?
Yeah, it really was.
And the more I thought about it, the more
that initial choice of the dog made sense.
You know, like I'm a very
quiet and reserved person.
(26:49):
And I think I had over time unknowingly
trained my dog to just keep people
away, because part of what I learned
later in life is the reason that
people didn't approach me is because I
seemed kind of aloof and unapproachable
when really I was just lacking
confidence and a little bit scared.
So they were approaching me like
they would approach that dog, right?
(27:11):
you look at that Doberman Pinscher
sitting behind the fence and you think,
well, I'm not going to walk up there and
stick my hand through the fence because
it's going to bite my fingers off.
It's a little bit intimidating.
and I think that's how people
saw me in a certain sense of.
Like, well, he just is not
interested in talking to me, so
I'm going to leave him alone.
And that's exactly what I had trained Rex
to do, is just bark and scare people away.
(27:31):
And now that I have this relationship
with Rex, and I understand how we
can work together, now I can invite
people in and he feels comfortable.
he can lay on the floor while I'm
having a conversation with people.
and he doesn't feel like he has to
just keep people away all the time
because We have that relationship now.
It's, I haven't just
abdicated my safety to him.
it's, it's something that I've
(27:52):
done much more consciously.
I like that idea that You had trained
him to keep people away, right?
The other thing that we do is
we don't train the dog at all.
So the dog is just wild and loose.
And, you know, running crazy,
jumping all over people,
dragging mud all over the place.
And then we're like, why is
this dog all over the place?
(28:12):
Because we haven't trained it.
Just like a regular dog.
You have to teach it how to do
things, so then it will do things.
And once you teach it,
it's so much easier.
I definitely think that is
something that we should talk about.
On my Substack, because this idea while
Sonia didn't have an exercise or a way
(28:32):
to dive into figuring out your dog.
I want to dive into that and figure
out how you can figure out what
kind of dog you have, because it
is illuminating when you can put.
And I think dogs are such a great
1, because we all know dogs have
different personalities, different
breeds act in different ways.
Maybe yours is a bloodhound, or maybe
it's a, you know, a doberman pincher.
(28:53):
Like Johns, or maybe it's a great Dane,
or maybe it's a chihuahua that's just
always shaking, you know, like those
little, little chihuahuas or, you know,
who knows, but I want to dive into how
you can figure out what your dog is.
So let's talk about that on the Substack.
The other thing that I'm going to talk
about either this week or next week
is, is five ways that you can really.
(29:15):
Let go of the worry because there
are definitely some strategies that
you can let go of worrying because
the worrying is not serving you.
I promise you it is not.
I know from my own personal experience
how much freer, how much more open,
how much I am that I don't have all
of this extra added stress that I'm
(29:36):
putting on myself because quite frankly,
most of it is self self imposed.
Most of it is just things
I'm adding to myself, right?
And adding to the, to the stress in
my body and creating this tension.
So that's another thing that I'm going
to include for my premium access.
People is a relaxation meditation
that I use that really helps me.
(29:57):
Take away a lot of that
worry and that stress.
So if you are not part of my sub
stack, go to TanyaDalton.com/connect.
We're having some fantastic
conversations over there and everything
we talk about on the podcast, we go
deeper over there on the sub stack.
So I write articles, there's activities,
there's exercises, there's lots of
ways that we go deeper than we can
(30:18):
in these short podcast episodes.
So I think you would love to be there.
I would love to have you there, quite
frankly, TanyaDalton.com/connect.
And as I mentioned in the last
episode, may is my birthday month.
This is my 50th birthday month
because I am turning 50 on May 27th.
And I wanted to do
something fun this month.
(30:39):
So I wanted to give you prizes
for sharing the sub stack.
The, my sub stack is called not rocket
science because truthfully, everything
I share over there is simple and easy.
None of it is difficult.
It's not rocket science.
So if you could share the sub
stack, I will give you prizes.
And if you head over to that,
TanyaDalton.com/connect, you'll see
(30:59):
a little share tab there at the top.
You click that, you get a unique link.
Share it with your friends.
All you have to do is
send it to your friends.
They don't have to sign up for
a paid subscription or anything.
All they have to do is subscribe.
You can get all kinds of prizes,
including a 30 minute call with me.
So we're doing that for the month
of May because you know what?
I like to give away presents.
(31:19):
I like to get presents, I
like to give away presents,
and May's my favorite month.
So if you could do that,
that would be fantastic.
That's a great way to celebrate my
50th birthday and I The 300th episode
that's coming up with our next episode,
which happens to land the day after my
50th birthday, which is kind of fun.
So I'd love to see you over there.
(31:39):
all right, let's wrap up today's show
because I know we're running low on time.
I want you to be thinking about What
do you think your ego looks like?
If your ego was a dog,
what would it look like?
I'm going to give you some questions
to think about that and go deeper over
on the sub stack, but I want you to
think about that right now, because
truthfully, worrying isn't serving you.
No matter how much we try to make.
(32:02):
the future fit this certain mold
of what we think we need to do.
That if I do X and then Y, and then I go
to Z and then I go here and I do these
things, then this is going to happen.
I guarantee you, if you look back
on any event, anything big in your
life, how you met your significant
other, how you ended up getting in
your current job, how you met your
(32:22):
best friend, how you did anything.
Think of something like
a major tentpole event.
I want you to think about that.
And I want you to go and I want
you to track the breadcrumbs behind
there and see, how did I get there?
How did I actually end up meeting
the person I'm married to?
Or how did I actually
end up with this job?
I guarantee if you had on that
(32:44):
front end, tried to create that
path, you wouldn't have been able
to connect those dots at all.
You can only connect the dots.
looking backwards.
Steve Jobs talks about that.
We can't connect the dots moving forward.
We can only connect them in looking back.
So by worrying and trying to control
all of those events, we're making it so
(33:05):
our true destiny doesn't even happen.
Truly, you are on a collision course.
It is bound to happen.
It's going to happen for you.
So, let go of the worry.
Let go of the stress.
I can promise you, you're going to
be so much happier for doing that.
You know, for me, I used to worry
about being on the right path.
And I would pray, oh, just
(33:26):
let me make the right choices.
Let me do the right thing so
I can be on the right path.
I wish I had realized a long time
ago, I'm always on the right path.
The path I'm on, with all of its
twists and turns and mistakes and bad
decisions, it's always been my path.
And if I could have gone back in time and
told me, 20 years ago, you know what, dad
(33:47):
is right, don't sweat the small stuff,
ah, would have made a huge difference.
Because when you let go of the
worry, that's when you know, you've
got the intentional advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
It's normally 97, but you get it for
(34:09):
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
player so you never miss an episode.
Hello, hello, everyone, and welcome
to the Intentional Advantage podcast.
I'm your host, Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 299.
We have a great show planned for today,
we're piggybacking off of that whole
idea we talked about in our last episode.
Our last episode was called The
Power of Imperfect Decisions, and I
(00:20):
loved how so many of you reacted to
that term of imperfect decisions.
Because, well, truly, all decisions are
imperfect, we can't see into the future.
We can't control what happens.
So anytime we are making decisions,
That adds a lot of worry onto our plate.
So I knew that for today's episode,
I wanted to talk about how to reduce
(00:42):
your worry, how to worry less, how we
can free ourselves by letting go of
a lot of that stress and worry that
comes not just with decision making,
but just, you know, everyday life.
I know for me as somebody who
was a big worrier for years and
years, I worried and worried and
worried, and now I don't worry.
(01:03):
how much better that makes me feel.
So we're going to be
talking about that today.
We're going to talk about
how you can worry less.
We're going to talk about how you
can let go of that uncertainty
and what that looks like.
And we're even going to talk about
what kind of dog lives in your head.
I know that sounds weird, but
it'll all make sense once we
(01:24):
get started with today's show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
(01:46):
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
(02:08):
This is The Intentional Advantage.
I thought that today would be a great
day for us to talk about worry, because
this is definitely a time where you
and I could be very, very worried.
It's the middle of May and Jack has
been gone for, as we record this,
Jack's been gone for a whole week.
(02:29):
He is over in Europe for two months
traveling basically by himself.
And I found it really ironic when I was
mapping out the season, I knew we were
going to talk about decision making,
which we talked about in that last
episode, the power of imperfect decisions.
And the whole idea of talking about
worry makes sense because Well, those
(02:50):
two go hand in hand, decision making
and worrying about the decision making.
But the irony of the fact that we're
doing this episode when our child is
all the way across the ocean is kind of
crazy, because this is a time that should
be filled with worry for the two of us.
100%.
Yeah.
I mean.
10 years ago this would have been totally
different and not just because he would
(03:11):
have been 11, which would have been
not appropriate, but even if it was 10
years ago and he was 21, we would have
handled this very, very differently.
right now, I mean, I have to say, I'm
very proud of us for being so hands off
and letting him make his own plans and
his own mistakes and he's having fun.
He is having a fantastic time and I
(03:32):
think that's the thing that's been
so fun is literally we wake up in the
morning because he's five hours ahead
of us with where he is now and our phone
is filled with pictures and things that
he's doing and it's interesting because
you and I were talking about this.
I used to be when we
first got married and.
I would say for the majority of
our marriage, I was a worrier.
(03:53):
I worried about everything incessantly.
I was just such a worrier.
I would worry about all kinds of things.
And now today I don't worry at all.
I rarely worry.
Do you agree that, I mean, it's
kind of a crazy transition, but
I don't worry at all anymore.
No, I totally agree.
You know, in You know, when we met,
(04:14):
you were a worrier so much that
your dad worried about you so much.
He gave you a book called Don't
Sweat the Small Stuff because he
wanted you to just like keep reading
it over and over and over again.
So you would stop worrying
about everything all the time.
And I don't even know where that book is
anymore and you certainly don't need it.
So it doesn't matter where it is, but
you're a completely different person.
(04:36):
Yeah.
And I think it's interesting because
I self identified as a worrier.
And I think a lot of people do
they say, well, I'm just a worrier.
And that's, that's the end of it.
It did take some work
and some intentionality.
Some of that.
We're going to be talking about
today on the episode of how I shifted
from being essentially a worry
wart into being somebody who rarely
(04:57):
worries or stresses about anything.
And for me, it is very freeing.
It allows me to really allow my brain
to focus on what matters because
the worrying doesn't help anything.
Truly, as much as you worry,
it doesn't change any outcomes.
I think that's a, that's a big thing.
And if you believe in any of those
(05:18):
laws of attraction, quite frankly, if
you are worrying about something, If
you believe in the law of attraction,
you're literally calling it in.
Every time you're thinking about it,
you're bringing that closer to you.
So for me to go from incessantly worrying
to not worrying has been amazing because
I feel like it has freed me up and it has
(05:39):
made me feel physically so much better.
I mean, truly, when we worry, there
is a physical response in our body,
it triggers the stress response, which
means it suppresses certain hormones
and it elevates other hormones and
that you feel in your body and a
lot of that can turn into disease.
(06:00):
And even if you're a person who thinks
to yourself, I don't know about that,
I want you to think right now about
something that worries you, something
that maybe stresses you out, Think
about that situation just for a second.
Do you feel it in your body?
Yeah, you feel it somewhere.
You feel it maybe in the back of
your neck or in your shoulders.
(06:20):
Maybe you're like me.
I felt a lot of it in my stomach
and my stomach would get upset.
My stomach would be in knots or I'd
feel this tension in different areas.
So when we stop worrying, it
really does allow our bodies,
first of all, to work much better.
We know our bodies work better
when they're not stressed.
But it also allows our brain to
be able to focus on other things.
(06:41):
And I think this is a thing is, so
often we store a lot of our emotions.
We've talked about that
on the podcast before.
When we're angry, we feel it in our body.
When we're sad, we feel it.
When we're happy, think about anytime
you have big emotions, we have that
stored in our body and if we don't
(07:02):
release it, it's going to stay in there.
And that's what ends up causing a lot
of diseases and a lot, there's all kinds
of amazing research with, people who
are really controlling or really want
to control their situations and how
that's correlated with multiple sclerosis
and some of these other diseases.
So it is not only really good for your
(07:23):
brain, but it's good for your body to
let go of this stress and the worry.
And I think this is the thing is.
We feel like worrying is productive.
Because it's like, well, even
if there's not something I
can do, I can worry about it.
Worrying isn't productive.
If you've listened to this podcast
or read my books, you know,
productivity isn't about doing more.
(07:45):
It's doing what's most important.
Is worrying the thing
that's most important?
Worrying is just keeping
your mind spinning and busy.
So a lot of times that is one of the
reasons why we feel almost compelled to
worry, that if our kid goes to Europe for
two months on a shoestring budget, like
my own child, I say child, but he's 21.
(08:05):
So he's what a man child, I guess, in many
ways, still a child, but also an adult.
He's totally having a child, but worrying
about him really isn't helping him.
And honestly, if I was worrying
and asking him all these worrying
questions, it would, it would
take a chink out of his armor.
It would make him feel like I didn't have
(08:27):
the confidence in him, which would steal
away some of his own self confidence.
I think you're right.
Worrying is the exact opposite
of productive, if you think about
it, it really makes you freeze.
It's like a, like a fear response that
you're actually not doing anything
about what you're worrying about.
You're just, you're just sitting
there worrying, making no progress.
So.
(08:47):
it is super unhelpful for
a hundred reasons, like you
said, it's not productive.
It's bad for your mental
and physical health.
There is this negative cycle of thoughts.
That once they start, it almost
feels like a roller coaster
that you just can't get off of.
And it just keeps going
again and again and again.
And a lot of times we are thinking
about worst case scenarios,
(09:08):
anticipated threats, problems.
Or a lot of times there's scenarios
that reflect our own feelings of
low self worth, We feel like, Oh,
we should have changed this or
we could have controlled this.
Or what if I had done these things?
And to be honest with you, a lot of that
negativity is it's wired into our brains.
It's wired there.
I talked about this in my second book in
(09:31):
On Purpose, this idea and this concept
that our brain is naturally wired
to want to focus in on the negative.
It does that as a survival technique.
There's a neuroscientist who talks
about the fact that the negative
thoughts and ideas that we have,
They're like velcro to your brain.
So they stick, but the positive
ones, they're like Teflon.
They slide right on off.
(09:52):
And that's a survival technique.
It's because our brain
wants us to survive.
Of course it does.
So with our cave ancestors, we wanted
to remember the negative things.
We wanted to remember, Oh, fire burns.
So let's not touch it.
We wanted to remember, Oh, you
can't pet a saber tooth tiger.
our brain is naturally wired that way.
So it's not surprising.
And there's nothing wrong with
(10:12):
you if you feel like, gosh, I
do always go to the negative.
Just know that is a very natural thing.
But honestly, a lot of these worries,
these ideas, these scenarios, these
stories we're telling ourselves about
what might happen or what could happen,
they're not steeped in any sort of truth.
They're rooted in these made up
(10:34):
ideas or concept of what could
happen, rather than just the truth.
None of it is Based on reality.
And a lot of times it is actually the
stress and the worrying leading up to the
event that causes all the suffering or
all the anxiety, not the event itself.
We've had several conversations about
(10:56):
difficult conversations on this podcast,
and you've heard me say before, it's the
first five minutes of those difficult
conversations that's the hardest.
You know why?
It's the buildup.
It's getting to the conversation.
It's worrying about it.
It's losing sleep over it.
Then when you have the
conversation, huh, so much easier.
Absolutely.
(11:17):
And I had to have one of
those difficult conversations
recently with, a family member.
And I would argue with you, it
wasn't the first five minutes of the
conversation that were the hardest.
It was the five days leading up to the
conversation that was the hardest, I
think that's what you mean when you're
talking about that anticipation.
but that's so much worse than the actual
event, whether that's, You know, you have
to give a presentation, the preparing for
(11:39):
it, gearing up, getting in that mindset
to step on stage is much harder than
actually giving the presentation itself.
because it's, it's that worry.
And I think, the other thing that I
wanted to touch on when we were talking
about this a couple of days ago,
one of the things that I guess never
really occurred to me when I think
about worrying, I'm always thinking
about, worrying about things in the
(11:59):
future, Like, what's going to happen.
But I think when we were talking about
it, it was kind of interesting that I
had never thought about this before,
but we worry about things in the past
too, so it's not just what if it's,
if only I guess would be the term
I would use because we think about
things that happened in the past.
We're like, gosh, if I had just
made this decision, this would
have been totally different.
And that is equally as unhelpful, right?
(12:21):
We don't learn or gain anything
from that, other than maybe just set
some bad patterns into our brains.
so, you know, when you think about worry,
think about not worrying about things
that have already happened because that's,
equally as unimportant when you're really
trying to work through some things.
Well, I think you bring up a really
good point there too, because a lot
(12:42):
of the things that we're worrying
about are not really solvable.
There are solvable problems and there
are problems that are not solvable.
I mean, I tell my kids all the time, all
problems can be solved, but the truth
is getting into a magic time machine
and going back in the past to change it.
That's a problem that can't be solved.
Or using that same magic time machine
to go in the future and affect
(13:02):
what the future is going to be.
That also cannot be solved.
When I was diving into the research of
worry, I was finding that there are a
lot of themes that come up with worry.
The most common worries are
things like job security, money,
relationships, especially our kids.
And I think that's a big one, But
the truth is, we can't control Yes,
(13:25):
there are parts of it we can control,
but we can't control the whole thing.
So, for example, with Jack being
in Europe, me worrying about him
making his train or, being smart and
mindful while he's walking around
and not leaving his backpack open
or being able to catch his flight.
Those are not things I can control.
But what I can't control is the fact that
(13:47):
I realize, you know what, when my kids
were young, and I think we've talked about
this on the podcast before, when they
were as young as five years old, I would
have them lead us through the airport.
I would say, okay, where's
our next flight going?
They would check the board.
They knew how to get us to the next gate.
They knew how to catch the
trains and read the signs.
So I was able to control that part
of the worry through some of my
actions in the past or we sat down
(14:09):
with him and we had conversations.
Hey, listen, you got to be smart
when you're walking around.
Make sure you're not
looking at your phone.
You need to have your backpack closed.
Make sure you close it this way.
So there's certain things we can do.
to help mitigate these what ifs, but
there's a lot that we cannot, and
it is those things that we cannot
control that we have to let go of.
(14:31):
There are so many things in this
world that we cannot control.
Truthfully, the only things
we can control are ourselves.
How we react, how we think, what
we do, the actions that we take.
I can't control what Jack does.
I can't control what Kay does.
I can't control what John does.
Sometimes I try to doesn't work But
(14:53):
what we can do is we can set people
up for success And I think that's the
difference is we have to understand
that we have to relinquish that control
being okay with some uncertainty in
this world because That's how the world
works, and that's how other people work.
All of us are on our own journey.
And I know for me, when I had that
(15:15):
realization with my own kids, that
every one of us is on our own journey.
I make choices that affect my life.
And I talked about this in the Substack
last week, where, you know, if I trace
the timeline of my life, even with things
like when I met John, or how I got my
job, or how I got my book deal, I never
could have predicted that pattern of
(15:36):
events bringing that to fruition, right?
All I could control was what I was doing
next and what I was choosing to do.
When we're trying to control
situations or other people, a lot
of that comes from right here.
In our minds.
It's our ego and we touched on this
idea and this concept of ego back
(15:58):
in that episode We had earlier this
season with Rachael Jayne when we
were talking about how your ego
is really there as your friend But
your ego's job is to keep you safe.
And I love what Eckhart Tolle
says about your ego He says
To the ego, the present moment
hardly exists only past and
future are considered important.
(16:20):
I think that's so valid and so true.
We're so busy ruminating on the past,
thinking about all the things we
didn't do well, or worrying about our
future that we forget about the now.
We forget about today and every
single decision you have made
in your entire life was made in
(16:40):
the the now 20 years ago, right?
It wasn't the past 20 years ago.
It was the present.
It was the moment you were in.
It was the now you were making those
decisions and you were making them to
the best of your ability with the limited
resources that you had at the time.
I mean, think about.
how much smarter you are now, 20
(17:00):
years later, all the wisdom that you
have, and the different perspectives
that you have, and the different
ways you have of, of thinking
that you didn't have 20 years ago.
this is why, and I talked
about this on my Substack,
It's not about forgiving yourself
for what you did in the past.
It's really being grateful for
decisions you made in the past.
And there's a big difference in that
(17:21):
because at the time in that now moment,
you had very different information
than you have now with your, rear
view mirror looking back in time.
So it is letting go of that
control of, I should have known.
How would you have known?
Right?
Or, I could have chosen this.
Well, you had no idea where
that was going to lead.
(17:42):
All we can do is make the best
choices and decisions in the moment.
But our ego is putting us in that magic
time machine, going back in the past, or
flying us forward into the future about
what might happen, or what could happen.
I love talking about ego because
for me, you know, we talked about
that whole idea that I used to be a
(18:03):
worrier, like a big, huge worrier.
I worried and worried and
worried and worried some more.
And now I don't.
And a lot of it is that
understanding, first of all,
That I can't control outcomes.
All I can do is make my best
decisions that I possibly can.
But it's also because I now have a
much better relationship with my ego.
(18:24):
Your ego is what's driving all of
those what if scenarios for the future.
Because your ego is, is afraid, right?
And again, we talked about this on
that episode with Rachael Jayne.
Your ego is your friend.
It wants you to survive.
It wants you to do amazing things.
But it's also very scared and it wants
you to do things just like you've done it.
(18:46):
And John, you shared with me quite a
while back this way of thinking that Sonia
Choquette talked about with your ego.
You want to talk about
that really quickly?
Because for me, this was the game changer.
This was the thing that shifted how
I spoke with my ego, how my ego spoke
with me, because your ego is that voice
(19:07):
inside your head, not the nice voice.
Not the kind voice, but the voice that's
like, Hey, you look fat in those pants.
Or, Hey, you looked really dumb today
when you gave that presentation.
Or, Why didn't you do these things?
That was dumb, right?
That's your ego.
I think we all know that especially
if you've listened to some of
your episodes in the past, your
egos main job is to keep you safe.
(19:28):
That's the only reason That it exists.
So that's why it looks in the past
and sees what's happened before to
try to predict the future in order to
keep you from harm or making mistakes.
and I always looked at ego as something
that you had to fight against your ego.
It was like a battle of who was in charge.
(19:48):
Sonia, positioned it in a much
different way, and I was like,
Oh, that makes so much sense.
She talks about ego, that your ego is like
a dog, Your dog is, man's best friend,
they're the one who can smell the bear
out in the backyard and gets up in the
middle of the night and starts barking.
Yes, it's annoying, but the
dog is trying to keep you safe.
And the whole point of the conversation
(20:09):
that she was having was, you're in
charge of the ego, just like you
would be in charge of your dog.
You are, the master of your ego.
So it's your job to, listen to the dog.
The dog is there to keep you
safe, but you're also in charge.
You should have a relationship.
It's not a fight with your ego.
It's a relationship that
you have with your ego.
And you need to be able to tell
(20:31):
your dog like, Hey, it's okay.
This is what we're going to do.
I know you're going to
try to keep us safe.
We're going to be safe.
Trust me.
We're all going to be good.
So there's really much
more of a back and forth.
And the biggest eye opener for me
again, was you're in charge of your ego.
You are the master of your ego.
So it's not that fight.
It's a relationship.
(20:51):
Absolutely.
And you know, it's funny because you say
that about the bear, but truthfully, Lucy
does wake up sometimes in the middle of
the night and she starts barking because
we'll have a bear in the backyard.
Sometimes there's no bear
in the backyard at all.
Lucy's just barking for no reason,
but we don't get up in the middle
of the night and go and kick her.
We don't yell at her and tell
(21:13):
her she's a terrible dog.
Every time we go, okay, Lucy, it's okay.
There's no bear, or, or she's run
the bear away, quite frankly, right?
So we say, oh, you're a
good dog, go back to bed.
Everybody wants to go back
to sleep, go back to bed.
We don't fuss at her, we don't fight her,
we don't yell at her, we don't kick her.
We tell her she's a good dog, but we
also tell her to quiet down, because
everybody's trying to go to sleep.
(21:35):
And it's that same idea with your ego.
For me, this was like, oh, A
lightbulb moment, when we talked
about this, that your ego is there
to protect you just like a dog does
because it wants to keep you safe.
But the big catch, as you said,
John, is that you are in charge.
So it was really interesting When
(21:56):
you shared this concept with me that
Sonia Choquette talked about, you
and I sat down and we talked about
what do we think our dog looks like?
What kind of dog is it?
And so we shut our eyes and we thought
about what kind of dog, and she doesn't
get into a process for figuring out
your dog or how to train your dog.
She just says, it's a dog.
You and I were talking about it and
(22:17):
I started to really think about,
well, how does my ego talk to me?
What does it speak to me like?
What does it sound like?
And I thought about all the
different dogs out there.
There's lots of different dogs.
There are small dogs, big
dogs, medium dogs, and guard
dogs and purse dogs, right?
There's thousands of
different kinds of dogs.
And I began to realize the way
that my dog talks to me, I like to
(22:38):
think of it as a standard poodle.
It's like one of those big, tall
poodles that has the kind of frou
frou haircut, because my ego would
speak to me in these kind of haughty
tones of, you are such an idiot.
You're so dumb.
I can't believe you did those things.
And it's very kind of snooty in
the way that it would speak to me.
(22:59):
So I started picturing my ego.
As a standard poodle, as one
of these tall, big poodles.
And I decided to name my poodle Pierre.
So Pierre is the name of my ego.
So when I needed Pierre to quiet
down, I would address Pierre.
Now you, on the other hand, John,
you saw your dog differently,
Yeah, for me, my dog, and
(23:21):
this just was immediate to me.
The course that I was taking or that I was
watching with Sonia was about intuition.
So it was all just like
okay What's coming to me?
And it was Immediately it was a
Doberman Pinscher like a very kind
of rough and scary looking dog, but
also, very highly trained and and
His name was Rex, so mine wasn't the
(23:43):
You know, the overly misogynistic,
chain smoking Frenchman like your dog.
Mine was more of the,
what did you call it?
It was like the, not a junkyard
dog, but he was like a guard dog
for a high end Coke dealer, right?
So he was very polished,
but scary at the same time.
(24:03):
And yet also highly trainable, right?
I loved how yours was not a junkyard dog.
It was a dog for cocaine
dealers, like mafia people.
Mine was with the cheap French
cigarettes and the hotties, right?
Talking.
Yours was just like, you're an idiot.
You're an idiot.
You're not smart.
Right?
(24:24):
Mine was like, uh, so it really did
help to tap into what does that voice?
And if I were to put a dog with
it, what would that dog be?
So standard poodle for me and
for you, the Doberman pincher.
And I think what's been fascinating
is since we've done that, I
literally have conversations with
(24:44):
my ego all the time because when.
Pierre starts barking really loudly at
the bear, which there is no bear truly
in my life, other than the ones tearing
apart my bird feeder in the backyard.
We do have those.
But when it starts barking really
loudly about something that maybe would
be scary or unsettling, I have these
(25:05):
conversations with Pierre and I'm like,
Hey, this is what's coming down the pipes.
Here's what's going to be happening.
I need you to take a deep breath
and I'm going to need you to sit.
And I need you just to sit there.
Well, I deal with this.
I know this is happening and that
has totally shifted everything.
Once I made my ego, not this
disembodied voice in my head that I
(25:26):
cannot control, because that was one
of the stories I was telling myself
is I have this voice in my head.
It's always there.
There's nothing I can do about it.
Once I was like, Oh no, this is
Pierre, the giant standard poodle
with the frou frou haircut.
I could say, you need to sit.
I need you to be quiet
because I'm doing this.
(25:47):
And once I started creating this
conversation back and forth, that's
when a lot of my worry went away
because my dog wasn't barking.
That's when a lot of the negativity
in my head went away because again,
Wasn't barking or I was addressing it.
So it felt more at ease.
(26:07):
It understood what was happening And
I know that seems weird to talk to the
voice that's in your head or that, you
know Kind of diatribe that's going on.
But what's weirder having that going
on and pretending like it doesn't exist
Cause it's like trying to ignore the
toddler that's jumping on your back
when you're trying to read a book.
It's so disruptive.
(26:28):
Address it and shift that behavior.
And when I did that, It was like,
Oh, all that worry went away.
And I know for you, it's
been the same, right, John?
Yeah, it really was.
And the more I thought about it, the more
that initial choice of the dog made sense.
You know, like I'm a very
quiet and reserved person.
(26:49):
And I think I had over time unknowingly
trained my dog to just keep people
away, because part of what I learned
later in life is the reason that
people didn't approach me is because I
seemed kind of aloof and unapproachable
when really I was just lacking
confidence and a little bit scared.
So they were approaching me like
they would approach that dog, right?
(27:11):
you look at that Doberman Pinscher
sitting behind the fence and you think,
well, I'm not going to walk up there and
stick my hand through the fence because
it's going to bite my fingers off.
It's a little bit intimidating.
and I think that's how people
saw me in a certain sense of.
Like, well, he just is not
interested in talking to me, so
I'm going to leave him alone.
And that's exactly what I had trained Rex
to do, is just bark and scare people away.
(27:31):
And now that I have this relationship
with Rex, and I understand how we
can work together, now I can invite
people in and he feels comfortable.
he can lay on the floor while I'm
having a conversation with people.
and he doesn't feel like he has to
just keep people away all the time
because We have that relationship now.
It's, I haven't just
abdicated my safety to him.
it's, it's something that I've
(27:52):
done much more consciously.
I like that idea that You had trained
him to keep people away, right?
The other thing that we do is
we don't train the dog at all.
So the dog is just wild and loose.
And, you know, running crazy,
jumping all over people,
dragging mud all over the place.
And then we're like, why is
this dog all over the place?
(28:12):
Because we haven't trained it.
Just like a regular dog.
You have to teach it how to do
things, so then it will do things.
And once you teach it,
it's so much easier.
I definitely think that is
something that we should talk about.
On my Substack, because this idea while
Sonia didn't have an exercise or a way
(28:32):
to dive into figuring out your dog.
I want to dive into that and figure
out how you can figure out what
kind of dog you have, because it
is illuminating when you can put.
And I think dogs are such a great
1, because we all know dogs have
different personalities, different
breeds act in different ways.
Maybe yours is a bloodhound, or maybe
it's a, you know, a doberman pincher.
(28:53):
Like Johns, or maybe it's a great Dane,
or maybe it's a chihuahua that's just
always shaking, you know, like those
little, little chihuahuas or, you know,
who knows, but I want to dive into how
you can figure out what your dog is.
So let's talk about that on the Substack.
The other thing that I'm going to talk
about either this week or next week
is, is five ways that you can really.
(29:15):
Let go of the worry because there
are definitely some strategies that
you can let go of worrying because
the worrying is not serving you.
I promise you it is not.
I know from my own personal experience
how much freer, how much more open,
how much I am that I don't have all
of this extra added stress that I'm
(29:36):
putting on myself because quite frankly,
most of it is self self imposed.
Most of it is just things
I'm adding to myself, right?
And adding to the, to the stress in
my body and creating this tension.
So that's another thing that I'm going
to include for my premium access.
People is a relaxation meditation
that I use that really helps me.
(29:57):
Take away a lot of that
worry and that stress.
So if you are not part of my sub
stack, go to TanyaDalton.com/connect.
We're having some fantastic
conversations over there and everything
we talk about on the podcast, we go
deeper over there on the sub stack.
So I write articles, there's activities,
there's exercises, there's lots of
ways that we go deeper than we can
(30:18):
in these short podcast episodes.
So I think you would love to be there.
I would love to have you there, quite
frankly, TanyaDalton.com/connect.
And as I mentioned in the last
episode, may is my birthday month.
This is my 50th birthday month
because I am turning 50 on May 27th.
And I wanted to do
something fun this month.
(30:39):
So I wanted to give you prizes
for sharing the sub stack.
The, my sub stack is called not rocket
science because truthfully, everything
I share over there is simple and easy.
None of it is difficult.
It's not rocket science.
So if you could share the sub
stack, I will give you prizes.
And if you head over to that,
TanyaDalton.com/connect, you'll see
(30:59):
a little share tab there at the top.
You click that, you get a unique link.
Share it with your friends.
All you have to do is
send it to your friends.
They don't have to sign up for
a paid subscription or anything.
All they have to do is subscribe.
You can get all kinds of prizes,
including a 30 minute call with me.
So we're doing that for the month
of May because you know what?
I like to give away presents.
(31:19):
I like to get presents, I
like to give away presents,
and May's my favorite month.
So if you could do that,
that would be fantastic.
That's a great way to celebrate my
50th birthday and I The 300th episode
that's coming up with our next episode,
which happens to land the day after my
50th birthday, which is kind of fun.
So I'd love to see you over there.
(31:39):
all right, let's wrap up today's show
because I know we're running low on time.
I want you to be thinking about What
do you think your ego looks like?
If your ego was a dog,
what would it look like?
I'm going to give you some questions
to think about that and go deeper over
on the sub stack, but I want you to
think about that right now, because
truthfully, worrying isn't serving you.
No matter how much we try to make.
(32:02):
the future fit this certain mold
of what we think we need to do.
That if I do X and then Y, and then I go
to Z and then I go here and I do these
things, then this is going to happen.
I guarantee you, if you look back
on any event, anything big in your
life, how you met your significant
other, how you ended up getting in
your current job, how you met your
(32:22):
best friend, how you did anything.
Think of something like
a major tentpole event.
I want you to think about that.
And I want you to go and I want
you to track the breadcrumbs behind
there and see, how did I get there?
How did I actually end up meeting
the person I'm married to?
Or how did I actually
end up with this job?
I guarantee if you had on that
(32:44):
front end, tried to create that
path, you wouldn't have been able
to connect those dots at all.
You can only connect the dots.
looking backwards.
Steve Jobs talks about that.
We can't connect the dots moving forward.
We can only connect them in looking back.
So by worrying and trying to control
all of those events, we're making it so
(33:05):
our true destiny doesn't even happen.
Truly, you are on a collision course.
It is bound to happen.
It's going to happen for you.
So, let go of the worry.
Let go of the stress.
I can promise you, you're going to
be so much happier for doing that.
You know, for me, I used to worry
about being on the right path.
And I would pray, oh, just
(33:26):
let me make the right choices.
Let me do the right thing so
I can be on the right path.
I wish I had realized a long time
ago, I'm always on the right path.
The path I'm on, with all of its
twists and turns and mistakes and bad
decisions, it's always been my path.
And if I could have gone back in time and
told me, 20 years ago, you know what, dad
(33:47):
is right, don't sweat the small stuff,
ah, would have made a huge difference.
Because when you let go of the
worry, that's when you know, you've
got the intentional advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
It's normally 97, but you get it for
(34:09):
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
player so you never miss an episode.
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