April 30, 2024 • 39 mins
Is the fear of making the wrong decision paralyzing you from taking the leap? You are not alone, so many people find themselves overwhelmed in the quest for the perfect decision. But here’s the truth: the right choice is hard to know while you are in the moment. In today’s episode we share the personal journey of our son, Jack's, college decision-making saga, unveil the unconventional "decision doughnut", and explore why embracing your emotions could be the secret weapon in effective decision-making. We tackle a listener's question about career transitions at any age, proving it’s never too late to choose your path intentionally.
In this episode you’ll learn:
-
How can I make better decisions in life?
-
What are effective decision-making strategies?
-
How do I know if I'm making the right choice?
-
What are the most important factors when making a decision?
Topics Covered:
- Decision Making
- College Planning Strategies
- Determining Important Criteria for Decisions
- Maximizers vs. Satisficers
- Pro-Con List Limitations
- Emotions with Decision Making
- The Brain and Emotions in Decisions
- Paradox of Choice
- Teenagers and Decision Making
Key Moments in the Show:
[02:06] A Chance to Win Prizes
[06:38] The Paradox of Choice
[07:50] Are Decisions Emotional?
[12:23] Why Do Kids Make Bad Decisions
[14:42] How Do I Know If I've Made a Good Decision?
[16:46] Letting Go of Good vs Bad
[20:04] The Two Types of Decision Makers
[23:17] How to Make Better Decisions
[24:27] How To Decide Where To Go for College
[31:57] Making Big Decisions
Get free resources for this episode at TanyaDalton.com/connect
Connect with Tanya Dalton on LinkedIn
Watch the episode on YouTube
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or Google Podcasts
Full Transcript and Show Notes: TanyaDalton.com/podcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello.
(00:00):
Hello everyone.
And welcome to the
Intentional Advantage Podcast.
I'm your host Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 298.
I've got a fun show planned for you
because today's show has been driven
by one of my readers over at Not Rocket
Science, the sub stack that I have.
And she asked me a question.
(00:21):
We'll get into that in a few minutes.
She asked me a question and I
thought, you know what, this would
be a fantastic podcast episode.
So today we are going to be talking
about decision making because,
this season we're talking all
about what sparks joy in your life.
Does your life spark joy?
Oh my gosh, there's so many
decisions we make on a daily basis.
We make big decisions and small
(00:42):
decisions, decisions about what
to make for dinner, decisions
about which route to take to work.
There are so many decisions in our lives.
We want to feel confident.
We want to feel comfortable that we're
making the ones that feel right for us.
So in today's episode, we are going to be
talking about how do you make decisions?
Do you need to take the emotions
out of your decision making?
Or are emotions actually important
(01:04):
for your decision making?
We're going to talk about
maximizers and satisfisers.
which type of decision maker you are.
And we're going to talk about how you can
really start making it very clear as to
what choices are the right ones for you.
So let's go ahead and get
started with today's show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
(01:24):
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
(01:45):
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
This is The Intentional Advantage.
(02:06):
Okay, we can't start this episode
without talking about the elephant
in the room, which is Happy May!
I can't believe it's May already!
Okay, I technically know that the
day this goes live is April 30th,
but I'm gonna really focus in on
the fact that it's basically May.
And May is, in my opinion, the
best month of the entire year
(02:27):
because It's birthday month.
I love my birthday.
It makes me so happy.
John is already cringing with the
fact that I've already moved May
up a full day because he knows
that I, I just have so much fun.
I love my birthday.
And this year is, it's a big one.
This is a big year because
(02:48):
not only is it birthday month,
this is my 50th birthday month.
I am turning 50.
at the end of May, and I
am so excited about it.
I love my birthday.
And what I love about my birthday
is I do a lot of fun things.
There's lots of presents.
And there's lots of presents for other
people because I love giving presents.
(03:10):
So I thought, you know what?
Not only is it my 50th birthday
this month, it's also the 300th
episode of the intentional advantage.
So there's so much to celebrate and I
wanted to do something a little more fun.
So I thought, you know what?
I don't want to ask for presents.
I don't want a bunch of gifts.
(03:30):
I really just want to give you, my
amazing, fantastic listeners, presents.
So, what if I ask you
for a really simple gift?
And in return, I give you a couple prizes.
I'm thinking that if you will
share about my brand new substack.
I'm calling it brand new, but it's
really a couple of months old at
(03:51):
this point, but my new substack, Not
Rocket Science, which ties in with
everything we do here on the podcast.
If you will share about that new
substack, I will give you prizes.
So you'll get access to the premium
access level of Not Rocket Science,
which means you get all the extras, the
bonuses, the downloads, all the things.
(04:14):
But what if we make it extra special and
we do a special tier that if you refer
a certain number of people, you can You
can win a 30 minute consult with me.
I don't normally do 30 minute consults,
but I think it'd be a lot of fun.
And I think we'd have a great time
chatting about maybe something
you need help with or something
you want to work through a system,
(04:36):
something you're struggling with.
So why don't we do that this, this May?
Because I think it'd be fun.
Okay.
It's a great way to celebrate my birthday.
It's a great way to
celebrate the 300th episode.
If you are not in my Not Rocket Science
substack, go to tanyadalton.com/connect.
And that's where we'll get started.
And so I'll send out all the
(04:56):
details through the newsletter.
There's lots of information
in the newsletter every week.
Almost always ties in with what
we're doing here on the podcast.
Sign up for that.
You'll get all the info, but
let's, let's have a fantastic May.
There's so much to celebrate.
All right.
And speaking of the Substack,
John, you've been very quiet here.
Is it because you're already
cringing thinking about the
(05:17):
fact that it's birthday month?
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out.
Oh boy.
I I have to start a day early
this year and it is a big year
so there's a lot of pressure.
I have to deliver right but really we
joke about it because it really is a
lot of fun for everybody, me included.
It's just one of those things that we
like to have a lot of fun Bantering back
and forth with each other about oh god.
(05:38):
Here we go again.
Tanya's birthday month It's
going to be insufferable,
but it's really a lot of fun.
I think the ideas to give away some
stuff to sub stack readers are great so
i'm really excited about that and the
300 episode happening at the same time I
mean, it's it's a really exciting month.
So You know, we we joke about it,
but it's it is a lot of fun for
(05:58):
not just you but for everybody
Yeah, well, I never want to
be at that point where I'm not
looking forward to my birthday.
I don't think I've ever had a birthday
that I've not been excited about.
So, I think the fact that it's
50, I kind of was wondering if I
would feel differently about this.
And this is definitely what we're
going to be talking about later on this
month as part of the podcast is aging.
(06:18):
And as we age, how we're feeling about it.
I'm really excited about it.
the fact that I'm turning 50
feels like this amazing milestone.
It's not something that I'm
dreading or I'm worrying about.
I'm excited about it.
So I think it's going to be a fun May.
And I felt like to kick off May
and talking about how we want
people to share about the substack.
What I love about the substack is
(06:40):
that it has created this channel
of communication back and forth.
And a lot of times in the past,
I have felt like it's just
me talking on the podcast.
This has created this
great back and forth.
And a great example of that is
actually what inspired today's
episode, because I posted over on
not rocket science on the sub stack.
I posted a question saying, Hey, if
(07:00):
you and I were to meet for coffee,
what would you want to ask me about?
What kinds of questions would you have?
And I had a lot of people
who answered that question.
And I have certainly some ideas for
some episodes that came from that.
But I also got some private messages,
just some replies to the email
that came directly to my inbox.
And one of them was from Liz and
that inspired today's episode
(07:22):
because Liz emailed me and she said,
I'm 64 years old and I want to
pursue new career adventures.
With all the new stuff that's out there
to earn money or to just enjoy working,
I'm not sure where to start finding
these different types of opportunities--
work from home or whatever.
Do you have any ideas of
where I can begin looking?
(07:42):
This is such an overwhelming task.
I love this question from Liz
and I answered her and I'll
answer it more at the end, but
it got me thinking about this idea and
this concept of decision making because I
feel like in today's world, there are so
many options and so many opportunities.
We're seeing this actually with Jack, our
(08:03):
21 year old who is going back to school.
He took a year off, went to Costa Rica.
We had talked about that
a couple episodes back.
Going back to school, feeling
really overwhelmed with the
number of opportunities.
And it seems like it should be one of
those things where it's like, wow, we
have all these choices, all these options.
(08:23):
But instead of feeling
like, wow, this is great.
We end up feeling overwhelmed.
Yeah, and with Jack in particular,
trying to figure out what his
next chapter in his life was does
feel very daunting, so having
conversations and we've been through
some of this stuff with him before.
seeing how he would work through
that decision and having those
conversations with him it was, it was.
(08:45):
Enlightening to see that.
Oh, he's he's made a lot of progress,
but these are still big decisions and
you know you need to have a process in
a way to Think about it and address it
so that you don't Spend too much time
whether that's on research or something
else because Decisions can be hard and
I think it's okay that they're hard
(09:05):
the paradox of choice, which
we have definitely talked
about on the podcast before.
Barry Schwartz pioneered this whole
study with the paradox of choice,
where it feels like the more choices
we have, the more opportunity we feel.
But in fact, once you get over
seven choices, you suddenly
feel stymied and you feel stuck.
And he even talks about it in terms
(09:27):
of being in the salad dressing aisle,
where there used to just be like,
ranch, blue cheese, vinaigrette.
Now there's like three million
types of salad dressings when
you go to the grocery store.
And sometimes you're standing
there and you're like, I have
no idea which one I want.
And you end up just feeling stuck.
(09:47):
First of all, spending way too much time
feeling like you're spinning your wheels,
standing in the salad dressing aisle.
I mean, nobody wants that.
And it's the same thing in life is
there's this paradox of choice And
we get frustrated with ourselves.
We feel like this shouldn't be so hard.
I'm sure with Liz, who's
thinking I'm 64 years old.
I've made lots of decisions in my life.
(10:08):
Why is this so difficult?
truth is, what we've been told
about decision making is all wrong.
All the things we've been told
historically about take the emotions
out of it, don't be emotional, just be
very logical and make the decisions,
is the absolute worst advice.
Because,
When it comes to decision making, we
think that we're rational, but decisions
(10:31):
are intrinsically tied to our emotions.
They're tied to the emotions in our brain,
and you cannot actually separate the two.
decision making happens in the prefrontal
cortex of our brain, which happens to
be the same spot in our brain where
our emotions are stored as well.
And, you know, John, you and I have
(10:52):
been talking about some of this research
and diving into some of these studies.
I found it fascinating that when
people have these brain injuries,
where their emotions are stifled,
suddenly they cannot make any decisions.
Yeah, that was I don't want to
say shocking, but it was very
surprising You Because you
(11:13):
would think the opposite, right?
If somebody did not have that emotional
noise clouding what decision they're
trying to make, then it would be so much
easier to logically see the differences
between different things and decide, well,
obviously this one is a better choice.
but it, it's totally the opposite
with these people that have these
(11:33):
brain injuries where they're literally
incapable of making a decision.
Yes they couldn't even decide
what kind of sandwich to make.
That's how debilitating it
can be when they have these
brain injuries specifically
to that one area of the brain.
And they've done these MRI studies,
these fMRI studies, where they
look at all the different areas.
The other areas are all working great.
(11:54):
The logical part of the brain,
the, all these different parts
are working fantastically.
The relational part of the brain.
It's just this one area When it
gets damaged, your decision making
skills just fall off a cliff.
It's kind of amazing.
And I think that explains a lot about why
we cannot take our emotions out of it.
(12:16):
That old advice, remove the emotions,
doesn't work because literally,
that's not how our brain works.
And I think, too, this actually explains
a lot about why teenagers and young
kids make a lot of bad decisions.
As a mother of one who just got out of
the teenage years and one in it, you
(12:36):
see them making decisions and you're
like, Oh God, what are they doing?
But their brains are not fully developed
in a lot of these areas, especially with
the hormones and everything else going on.
Trying to make these decisions is
actually very difficult for them.
And so I think understanding
that that circuitry.
Is not connected makes it so much
(12:57):
easier to stand back and go, Oh,
this is why they're struggling
to make better decisions.
This is why I've struggled
to make good decisions.
I think so and you know when
you think about it, taking your
salad dressing example, right?
And it's even worse now because right
you have these salad dressings on the
shelf And then you have the ones over
in the produce like refrigerated section
So there's two places you have to go for
(13:19):
salad dressings and it's overwhelming
and you don't have time to do all the
research So you need something that?
gives you the ability
to make that decision.
And I think that's where the emotional
prefrontal cortex comes into play.
And with kids, when they, their
brains are not developed, they
can't make the right decision,
certainly most of the time, right?
(13:39):
Because they don't have those
connections built in their brain.
And it's difficult to watch
them make those mistakes.
But I think sometimes.
By making those mistakes, that's
what makes those connections, right?
So we can't save them from
all of those bad decisions,
even as often as we want to.
But, they do really struggle, especially
with, with big decisions like,
where do I want to go for college?
(14:01):
I mean, that's kind of the, the first
huge decision a lot of these kids face.
and it could be debilitating for them.
I know it was very difficult for Jack when
we started his junior year in high school.
Oh, I wouldn't even say his junior year.
That kid was stressed about it.
Like in fifth grade, what if I don't
know where I want to go to college?
What if I don't know what I want to do?
What if I, he was always our worrier,
(14:22):
which is why I think it's so funny
that he is now leaving to go travel
through Europe for two months by
himself with just a backpack, right?
I mean, but it is because.
There's been lots of decisions
he's made in the past.
He's strengthened up that muscle.
And I think part of it is we've talked to
him quite a bit about decision making and
understanding There is
(14:44):
no perfect decision.
I think that's the thing that, that
really most people struggle with is
they want to make the right decision.
And the problem is quite frankly, we
don't know a good decision in the moment.
We often can only know if something
was a good decision when we're
looking in the rear view mirror.
When we're looking back after
(15:06):
the passage of time, we can go,
Oh, that was a good decision.
I'm so glad I did that.
In the moment though, there was still
the anxiety, there was still the stress.
There was still a lot of that uncertainty
where you're like, I don't know if
this is good or bad or right or wrong.
And so it is, a lot of it is
letting go of that need to be right.
(15:26):
Yes.
Or for it to be good.
Because the truth is, we have
to let go of this idea of good
decisions and bad decisions.
So many times, we don't know
if something is good or bad.
We really don't.
John, you and I were talking
about this a while back.
That if we look at our timeline, and the
(15:47):
things that happen to us, there are things
that in the moment, we judged as good.
Or bad, right?
The guy who broke up with me, before
I met John, that was a terrible thing.
It was awful.
Oh my gosh, the melodrama of it all.
I thought it was bad in the moment.
Clearly though, great.
I'm so glad.
(16:07):
I'm so glad he broke up with me now as an
almost 50 year old because if he hadn't,
I wouldn't be with John where I am happy.
And how many other things in our
timeline did we judge as bad or terrible?
that actually turned out to be
good or amazing or incredible.
How many things that we
thought were good, Oh, good.
(16:29):
This guy is working out that actually
ended up being bad because you know,
six months down the road, you want
to break up with him or you marry
somebody and you realize later, Oh, I
thought it was great, but it wasn't.
So again, we don't really know that
until we've had the passage of time.
So one of the things I've been working
on is letting go of this idea or
(16:51):
this concept of good versus bad.
This is a good thing that's happening
or this is a bad thing that's happening.
The truth is we have no idea in the
moment because in our timeline all we can
see is this tiny little swath of time.
We can see behind us and we
can see right where we are.
This whole thing in front
of us, this whole timeline.
(17:13):
All these years ahead of us, we
have no idea what's going to happen.
So that's the first thing that I would
say is let go of the idea that we
have to make a good decision because
truly some of my, you could say worst
decisions turned out to be great because
I got so much knowledge out of it.
I got so much wisdom out of it and
they didn't feel amazing at the
time when they were bad decisions.
(17:34):
But I'm grateful for them now
because they gave me a lot.
We talk about my backpack, right?
We talk about the idea and that concept
of your backpack as you go through
life and you're gathering together
the wisdom and the knowledge and the
experiences and the failures, the
failures were a lot of bad decisions.
And thank goodness I have them because
that's made me so much smarter.
And that's made me so much better
(17:55):
and stronger and more self assured.
I like what you said there, John,
about we want to save our kids
from making these bad decisions.
This is the hardest part of parenting,
quite frankly, is hands off.
Watching them make choices, watching
them make decisions, watching them
as they're failing at something and
(18:17):
not going in and just Oh, you want
to save them every time and yet
that's where the lessons are learned.
So I think for me, that's
been a big turning point.
I think, you know, going through
that together has been helpful.
And then going through it again with
Jack, I can see the growth in him, like
(18:38):
this second round of deciding where he's
going to go to college now, instead of
a three year process of him worrying
and Us doing all these different things
that it took us like a month, right?
And I remember talking to him about this
very same thing about making decisions.
And you know, what I told him was,
All you can do is make the best
decision that you can right now.
(18:58):
Obviously, that's, the goal.
You can't make a perfect decision.
The only wrong decision you
can make is to not decide.
and I think that helped him.
You know, you're going to make this
decision and it could turn out great.
Two years from now, you might be
like, well, maybe that wasn't the
best school for me, but that's okay.
Because a lot of those mistakes and
failures, like you talked about in
your backpack, those are some of
(19:20):
the greatest lessons that we have.
And those are some of
the things that shape us.
And if you don't make that decision that
leads to that mistake or that lesson,
You're not the same person like that.
That's part of your journey.
so I used to have, I don't know if
you remember this, but back when
I worked at Brinker on my, on my
whiteboard, I had this quote that
said The best decision is to act.
(19:41):
Because I was one of those kind of
research people that I wanted to go and
get everything perfect before I presented
it to my boss or the team or whatever.
and a lot of times that would.
That was to my detriment.
So I had to remind myself sometimes you
just need to make a decision and move
forward, with the information you have,
because if you don't make a decision,
(20:02):
that's that's the worst possible outcome.
Yes, not making a decision is a decision.
That's a choice, right?
I like what you said there because even
last year, your word of the year was now.
Like, stop overthinking it.
And we do.
We make decision making a
part of procrastination.
The overthinking is
procrastinating in a lot of ways.
(20:24):
You are, without question, a maximizer.
That's one of the categories
of people with decision making.
A maximizer is someone who wants
to have the maximum information.
They will go in these rabbit holes of
finding and gathering and researching
and researching again, and then
maybe researching again to the
point where it's the time to make
(20:45):
the decision has already passed.
I on the other hand am a satisfiser,
a satisfiser, which is someone
who is generally satisfied with
like, this is enough information.
And we kind of touched on this in the
last episode when we talked about the how
and the wow, how I have the big ideas.
And a lot of times you're like, I
want to know the granular steps.
And those of you who saw my leadership
(21:05):
guide over there on my sub stack that
I shared a couple weeks ago, you know,
that I don't like granular ideas.
That's not for me.
We talked about that on the last episode,
you know, in our disc assessment, even
we, we see that I am the risk taker.
And you are not the risk taker.
And for a long time, I struggled
(21:27):
with when I was making decisions and
brainstorming, trying to use you as
my brainstorming partner when that
did not work for you because you
were wanting to do all this research.
And I'm like, let's go, let's go.
So there we go again with our
strengths coming in to play
a role in how we operate.
And I think it's important
to know which one are you?
Are you a maximizer or a satisfiser?
(21:48):
Because for me, as a satisfiser,
that sounds better, right?
Like, oh, I make quick decisions and I
don't look for way too much information.
But I have to make sure I'm not just
running and leaping off a cliff.
I gotta make sure that I have all the
information I need before I jump, right?
And then for John, as a maximizer,
you know, it sounds like you're gonna
(22:09):
get stuck in a rabbit hole, but if
you know that about yourself and
you give yourself a container, you
give yourself a deadline of, okay,
I have to decide this by this date.
Then you can do all the research you want
until that date, and then you have to move
on, and you have to make the decision.
So, understanding how you operate.
This is, again, understanding
your operating system.
Your own unique way of doing things.
(22:29):
When you understand that, it allows
you to go in and make decisions
the best you possibly can.
I just feel like understanding how you
operate is the key to a happier life.
It truly is.
Understanding that,
communicating it, accepting it.
Instead of thinking, ugh.
I'm the worst.
Like John could think, Oh, I'm the worst.
I do so much research.
(22:50):
I'll be honest when we're going on
vacation and John has researched all
the things to do and he knows where
we're going and all the, it's fantastic.
It's so amazing.
It's such a gift.
I would never have the patience for that.
So both of them have good, good things
and bad things, but it's understanding
how you work and how you operate, right?
I think that's the main thing.
(23:11):
So when it comes to making the
decisions, What is it you should do?
I think that's the big question, right?
I mean, that's the question that Liz
was like, how do I make this decision?
And I think the old thing
was making the pro con list.
And I want to touch back on what
we talked about a few minutes ago
about the idea of good and bad.
That's the problem with the old
(23:31):
drawing a line down a sheet of paper,
listing the pros on one side and
listing the cons on the other side
is, how do you know what's good?
How do you know what's bad?
And a lot of times we're looking
just at short term, we're not
necessarily looking at long term.
Sometimes the short term pain
is for a long term gain, right?
Which column does that go into?
(23:52):
So, Doing away with some of
that and understanding what
is truly important here.
That to me is the key to good decision
making understanding how you operate,
what kind of information you need, and
then, what are the criteria that are most
important for you, John, you touched on
that idea and that concept of when we
were going with Jack trying to figure
(24:14):
out where he's going to go to college
back when he was a junior in high school,
we had this whole donut philosophy.
Do donuts make you better decision makers?
Yes, I do.
It's funny.
I shared this, how we had
done it with my friend.
Yeah.
Donuts are good for everything.
I had shared this idea with my friend,
(24:34):
Jon Acuff, when his, his daughters
were getting ready to go to college.
And he was like, this is such a genius
idea because it made it so much easier.
You know, we talked about the
fact that it's very overwhelming.
There's so many choices and options.
First thing we need to do is we
need to whittle down the options.
We need to figure out what is
truly most important to you.
So with Jack, what we started
(24:55):
with when deciding on college is
we decided on this donut shape,
If you look at a map of the United States
and you look at our house in Asheville,
North Carolina, my rule for him was that
he needed to be at least an hour away.
I didn't want him feeling like he could
come home and do his laundry, or he could
come home for, for dinner on Sunday night.
He needed that space.
(25:15):
I needed to give him that space so I
wasn't tempted to go every weekend and
see him because I want him to adult.
I want him just to step
into adulthood, right?
So we had this little circle that was an
hour outside of Asheville that was like
nothing in this area was going to work.
And then he said he wanted
to be within five hours.
(25:37):
So we had this donut shape of, okay, this
little swath of the United States where
it was like, what colleges are in there?
Well, just creating that donut of,
okay, one hour outside of Asheville,
and then about a five hour radius, which
is about to Nashville, I would say,
you know, going around in a circle.
That eliminated, I don't know, like
(25:59):
90 percent of the colleges out there.
I mean, immediately that whittled
our list down tremendously
yeah, that was a huge help.
I mean, and that's the thing is if you
can figure out, what decisions need to
be made as part of this bigger decision.
You have to have those, what are those
little decisions you need to make?
Okay, well let's start with where
in the country do you want to go?
(26:20):
And you're right, just making that
one decision, or I guess it's two,
like here's the, the first, the inside
of the donut and here's the outside.
We did, we eliminated 90, 95
percent of the colleges in America.
Just right off the bat, it became
so much more easy to deal with.
And then we whittled down the list
more because it was like, okay,
what's, what's the next thing
(26:41):
that's most important to you?
Well, the next thing that was important
to him was the size of the college.
He wanted a college that wasn't big.
He wanted something that was
small, but not too small.
So we, we kind of got into this range of
what was the right size for him, right?
We had a conversation
about what size college.
Well, right there, we whittled
off a lot more, right?
We took more schools off of our list.
(27:03):
And then we just kept going
through, what are the things
that are most important to you?
So it was like, next up was the, I
can't remember the next thing, but
there were all these things that
he listed out as being important.
And each time, we looked at that
one thing, it would clear out
quite a few options on the list.
And then all of a sudden, instead
of having 3 million options of
(27:24):
where you can go to college, I
think we were down to like 10.
and you can see how it's so much easier
to make a decision based off of that.
So it's almost like knowing
which levers you need to pull.
What are the things that
are most important to you?
So when you're making a decision,
that's where I would start, not
with the pro and the con list.
(27:44):
Start with what's important to
me about making this decision.
What are the key things that are
most important when I am making this?
Okay, and then start with one, And
then get some of those options off your
list and just keep wiping them away.
It's almost like they're all laid
out on this table and you're just
like scooting them off the table.
You're swiping them away so that you
(28:06):
have fewer choices and fewer options.
That sounds contrary to what you want.
We think we want all these
options, but it's overwhelming
us with that paradox of choice.
fewer options that fit and that
align with what I truly desire.
That's the key.
And so I can't just say, well, these
are the five, things that you need to
(28:27):
look at if we're talking about colleges
or we're talking about whatever.
It's really what's most important to you.
What aligns with your goals?
What aligns with your values?
That's a great place to start.
I think the other thing that was really
great about the way you set up that
particular process for Jack is because
he's a maximizer like me, And especially
as a teenager with the Internet, he'll
(28:48):
research things for weeks if we let him.
you set up a system where we
just, we said, okay, we're going
to meet and talk about this on
Thursday nights after dinner.
That's the only time of the week
that we're going to talk about this.
So he knew that he, he could do
his research for an entire week,
but Thursday night came around,
we were going to talk about it.
And it also, it saved him from
(29:10):
that uncertainty of when are we
going to talk, you know, how are
we going to make this decision?
I don't know.
Like we had this check in every
week for 30 minutes and we were able
to make these little incremental
steps and these small decisions.
And by the time we got to his
spring semester of his junior year,
he felt so much more comfortable.
and we had, we had a list of
five that were prioritized and he
(29:32):
knew what he was going to do and
he felt so much more confident.
but it was all in the approach.
And I think that's, that's,
what's really important.
Having that college planning night,
I think we did it on Thursday nights.
I talk about this in On Purpose and
in my book, because it was so much
nicer that we weren't dealing with this
uncertainty, the uncertainty of me.
(29:52):
Wondering have you looked into
the colleges, him not dealing with
the uncertainty of when his mom
gonna jump down my throat about
not, not having these things done.
Right?
So it took all of that
out of the equation.
And you can do that for yourself
because a lot of times making
these decisions in a silo.
By yourself is like an echo
(30:13):
chamber where it's just the idea
is bouncing right back at you.
So having a regular check in as you're
making, especially a major decision
with somebody else and say, Hey, if
you don't mind, let's check in on
Wednesday afternoons for like 30 minutes.
I want to talk to you
about how this is going.
That's a great way to really feel
confident about your decision.
the truth is not all your
(30:33):
decisions are going to be winners.
Even the ones that you take a lot of
time and you take a lot of effort and a
lot of energy to make very intentional,
they're not all going to be winners.
As shown by the fact that Jack
then left High Point, it turned
out not to be the school for him.
There were other levers we didn't
even know about that needed to be
pulled, Although I will say, He had a
(30:56):
fantastic experience his freshman year.
He met some incredible people who he's
still very close with and he still
meets with and chats with regularly.
There's no regret in that
because he got so much out of it.
And now with him making the
decision about, okay, I'm going off.
I'm going to backpack.
He saved money.
He's backpacking across Europe.
(31:16):
by himself, meeting up with several of
his friends he met through Costa Rica,
that he's got friends all around Europe.
And then he was like, okay,
I want to go back to school.
This decision of where he's going
this fall was so much easier, so
much faster because he already had
a lot of tools and he had a lot more
idea of what was important to him.
So for him, he was like,
(31:37):
I want to go in state.
And I want to do graphic design.
He understands that now that that
graphic design is where he wants to go.
So that was so easy.
It was like, what's good.
What schools are good and graphic
design that are in state or at
least close by and we had that
decision drilled in very quickly.
So, that's the thing is, you're
going to make decisions that stink.
(31:57):
Sometimes you're going to make
decisions that are the wrong decisions.
You're going to make decisions that
you're going to look back and be
like, I can't believe I did that,
but you learn so much from it.
Right.
And then your next decision gets even
better and it gets stronger and it gets,
and that's the thing is I want you to
realize that letting go of the idea of
making the perfect decision is so freeing.
(32:17):
Because then it allows you to experiment.
Life is an experiment.
Life is truly a game.
Try things out.
If it doesn't work out, most
time it's no harm, no foul.
You can shift, you can change,
you can do something else.
treat life more as, okay, this is
an opportunity, I'm going to try it.
I'm not locked in.
Very rarely is a decision permanent.
Very rarely.
(32:38):
So giving yourself that grace
and that freedom to do that.
all of this to say.
It truly goes down to
what's important to you.
in thinking about that email that I
got from Liz about where do I go now,
I, there's all these opportunities.
Let me tell you what I said to Liz.
I said to her, I think the place to start
(32:58):
is figure out what's important to you.
do an audit of yourself
to get some clarity.
So on the sub stack, I've done a
couple of activities and exercises.
I said, there's one on essential
needs, which we talked about
here on the podcast, right?
If you know that your essential
needs involve being in proximity to
other people, then working from home
(33:20):
probably isn't going to work for you,
or at least working from home, if
that's like exclusively how that job
operates, but you know, you need to be
around other people that, that clears
the table of a lot of opportunities.
If everything is work from home and
you're like, Oh, I'm going to hate that.
Great.
Let's cross those off the list.
Right?
And so then you can start to figure out
what's the work style that works for me.
(33:43):
And you can start crossing
off opportunities.
These don't work for me because
this isn't the style I want.
So I said, do the
essential needs exercise.
And then do the superpowers exercise.
Figure out what are your strengths?
What are you great at?
And then we can figure out and hone in on
what type of work you really want to do.
Because remember, if it's a
superpower, not only is it something
(34:03):
you're good at, it's something
you're really passionate about.
It's something you really enjoy.
both of those activities are there on the
sub stack that I have Not Rocket Science.
Both of them are free for anyone.
I will put the links in the show notes.
If you're thinking about something like
this, go through, do an audit of yourself.
Now that we figured out all of this,
What type of work you want, what style
of work you want, all of a sudden our
(34:25):
options are a little bit more narrow
and it's easier to make some decisions.
And then you figure out what
other levers I need to pull.
What are the other things
that are important to me?
Is it important for me
to, to stay in my state?
Is it important for me to live in my city?
Or am I willing to go out of state?
Start figuring out those things
and you'll start whittling it in
and figuring out what's truly going
(34:45):
to be the best decision for you.
And that's what it comes down
to the best decision with the
information you have right now.
That's all we can all ask for.
great advice, you know, like how can
you create your own Decision donut
like we did for Jack, you know, and it
doesn't have to have anything to do with
geography, but what what levers can you
pull to limit that and whittle those
(35:07):
decisions down and, you know, I think the
other part of that is don't be afraid.
To make a wrong decision or a bad
decision, because, like you said,
we don't know if this is going to
end up being the right decision
or a bad decision right now.
All we're doing is.
making a decision.
And whether that job you take
(35:28):
ends up being the perfect job
or you love it, maybe it won't.
Just like Jack's first college
experience, it may not be the best thing.
But you'll learn a lot from that.
And the next job you take
will be an even better fit.
And that's, that'll all
be part of your growth.
a lot of, decision problems that I always
had was, it was all fear based, right?
Because I was afraid to
make the wrong decision.
(35:49):
But, you know, I would just say, don't
be afraid to make the wrong decision,
you know, because it's going to be
the right decision for you right now,
however it turns out in the future.
and you just, you just need to make
it and figure out your donut so that
you can whittle those things down and
make the best decision that you can.
Yeah, and to make that easier, actually,
(36:10):
what I think I'm going to put on the
Substack, I created this little decision
making machine where you can plug
in the things that are important to
you, and it makes it so much easier.
I used it in my business.
I use it in my personal life.
So I'm going to include that
in the Substack, the newsletter
that's going out today.
If you are not part of my sub stack,
(36:31):
Not Rocket Science, get over there.
I'm telling you so many things
that we talk about here.
We go more in depth with in that
not rocket science sub stack.
So go to Tanya Dalton.
com slash connect.
As I mentioned.
I'm asking you for the month of May
to share, share this podcast episode.
Certainly, if you know someone who
(36:52):
struggles with decision making,
snap a screenshot and share it.
But also sharing the, the sub
stack, because I would love for
more people to feel confident
with how they're making decisions.
Everything we talk about here
on the intentional advantage and
the sub stack really is about you
finding more meaning in your life.
So, please share it.
I would love that.
(37:14):
It would be such a fantastic
birthday present for me.
And if you're not over there, come
and join us because we're having
some fantastic conversations.
This, email that I got from Liz
is just a perfect example of how I
love that this is helping me decide.
You know what?
This would be a great podcast episode.
Let's talk about this more.
And I have some other episodes coming
up that are driven from people talking
(37:36):
about it over there at not rocket science.
So Tanya Dalton.
com slash connect is a great
place to go get more information.
I would love to see you over
there at not rocket science.
All right.
If you're interested in that decision
making machine, I'll have that posted
today, and here's what I want you
to walk away from today's episode.
There are no perfect decisions.
(37:57):
If you are waiting for the clouds to
part and the rainbows to shoot out of
the sky, saying that you have made the
right choice, it's not going to happen.
Really, truly being clear on who
you are, what you desire and what
you want, that's how you're going
to make the best decision for you.
There are no right or wrong choices.
There's just the choices
(38:18):
that you choose to make.
And when you do choose to make
decisions, when you do them with
intention, well, that's when you've
got the Intentional Advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
It's normally 97, but you get it for
(38:38):
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
player so you never miss an episode.
Hello.
(00:00):
Hello everyone.
And welcome to the
Intentional Advantage Podcast.
I'm your host Tanya Dalton.
This is episode 298.
I've got a fun show planned for you
because today's show has been driven
by one of my readers over at Not Rocket
Science, the sub stack that I have.
And she asked me a question.
(00:21):
We'll get into that in a few minutes.
She asked me a question and I
thought, you know what, this would
be a fantastic podcast episode.
So today we are going to be talking
about decision making because,
this season we're talking all
about what sparks joy in your life.
Does your life spark joy?
Oh my gosh, there's so many
decisions we make on a daily basis.
We make big decisions and small
(00:42):
decisions, decisions about what
to make for dinner, decisions
about which route to take to work.
There are so many decisions in our lives.
We want to feel confident.
We want to feel comfortable that we're
making the ones that feel right for us.
So in today's episode, we are going to be
talking about how do you make decisions?
Do you need to take the emotions
out of your decision making?
Or are emotions actually important
(01:04):
for your decision making?
We're going to talk about
maximizers and satisfisers.
which type of decision maker you are.
And we're going to talk about how you can
really start making it very clear as to
what choices are the right ones for you.
So let's go ahead and get
started with today's show.
Does your life spark joy?
I'm not asking if your life
(01:24):
is good or if life feels okay.
Does it spark joy?
When was the last time you
slipped into bed at night and
thought, today felt amazing?
Because if it's been more than two
or three days, that's too long.
I'm Tanya Dalton, a best selling author,
motivational speaker, seven figure
entrepreneur, and oh yeah, wife and mom.
(01:45):
So I get it.
I understand the stress of daily life.
As a productivity expert, I'm here to
help you choose the extraordinary life.
This season, we will be exploring
how we can create more joy and
intention into every single day.
And it doesn't have to be so hard.
This is The Intentional Advantage.
(02:06):
Okay, we can't start this episode
without talking about the elephant
in the room, which is Happy May!
I can't believe it's May already!
Okay, I technically know that the
day this goes live is April 30th,
but I'm gonna really focus in on
the fact that it's basically May.
And May is, in my opinion, the
best month of the entire year
(02:27):
because It's birthday month.
I love my birthday.
It makes me so happy.
John is already cringing with the
fact that I've already moved May
up a full day because he knows
that I, I just have so much fun.
I love my birthday.
And this year is, it's a big one.
This is a big year because
(02:48):
not only is it birthday month,
this is my 50th birthday month.
I am turning 50.
at the end of May, and I
am so excited about it.
I love my birthday.
And what I love about my birthday
is I do a lot of fun things.
There's lots of presents.
And there's lots of presents for other
people because I love giving presents.
(03:10):
So I thought, you know what?
Not only is it my 50th birthday
this month, it's also the 300th
episode of the intentional advantage.
So there's so much to celebrate and I
wanted to do something a little more fun.
So I thought, you know what?
I don't want to ask for presents.
I don't want a bunch of gifts.
(03:30):
I really just want to give you, my
amazing, fantastic listeners, presents.
So, what if I ask you
for a really simple gift?
And in return, I give you a couple prizes.
I'm thinking that if you will
share about my brand new substack.
I'm calling it brand new, but it's
really a couple of months old at
(03:51):
this point, but my new substack, Not
Rocket Science, which ties in with
everything we do here on the podcast.
If you will share about that new
substack, I will give you prizes.
So you'll get access to the premium
access level of Not Rocket Science,
which means you get all the extras, the
bonuses, the downloads, all the things.
(04:14):
But what if we make it extra special and
we do a special tier that if you refer
a certain number of people, you can You
can win a 30 minute consult with me.
I don't normally do 30 minute consults,
but I think it'd be a lot of fun.
And I think we'd have a great time
chatting about maybe something
you need help with or something
you want to work through a system,
(04:36):
something you're struggling with.
So why don't we do that this, this May?
Because I think it'd be fun.
Okay.
It's a great way to celebrate my birthday.
It's a great way to
celebrate the 300th episode.
If you are not in my Not Rocket Science
substack, go to tanyadalton.com/connect.
And that's where we'll get started.
And so I'll send out all the
(04:56):
details through the newsletter.
There's lots of information
in the newsletter every week.
Almost always ties in with what
we're doing here on the podcast.
Sign up for that.
You'll get all the info, but
let's, let's have a fantastic May.
There's so much to celebrate.
All right.
And speaking of the Substack,
John, you've been very quiet here.
Is it because you're already
cringing thinking about the
(05:17):
fact that it's birthday month?
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out.
Oh boy.
I I have to start a day early
this year and it is a big year
so there's a lot of pressure.
I have to deliver right but really we
joke about it because it really is a
lot of fun for everybody, me included.
It's just one of those things that we
like to have a lot of fun Bantering back
and forth with each other about oh god.
(05:38):
Here we go again.
Tanya's birthday month It's
going to be insufferable,
but it's really a lot of fun.
I think the ideas to give away some
stuff to sub stack readers are great so
i'm really excited about that and the
300 episode happening at the same time I
mean, it's it's a really exciting month.
So You know, we we joke about it,
but it's it is a lot of fun for
(05:58):
not just you but for everybody
Yeah, well, I never want to
be at that point where I'm not
looking forward to my birthday.
I don't think I've ever had a birthday
that I've not been excited about.
So, I think the fact that it's
50, I kind of was wondering if I
would feel differently about this.
And this is definitely what we're
going to be talking about later on this
month as part of the podcast is aging.
(06:18):
And as we age, how we're feeling about it.
I'm really excited about it.
the fact that I'm turning 50
feels like this amazing milestone.
It's not something that I'm
dreading or I'm worrying about.
I'm excited about it.
So I think it's going to be a fun May.
And I felt like to kick off May
and talking about how we want
people to share about the substack.
What I love about the substack is
(06:40):
that it has created this channel
of communication back and forth.
And a lot of times in the past,
I have felt like it's just
me talking on the podcast.
This has created this
great back and forth.
And a great example of that is
actually what inspired today's
episode, because I posted over on
not rocket science on the sub stack.
I posted a question saying, Hey, if
(07:00):
you and I were to meet for coffee,
what would you want to ask me about?
What kinds of questions would you have?
And I had a lot of people
who answered that question.
And I have certainly some ideas for
some episodes that came from that.
But I also got some private messages,
just some replies to the email
that came directly to my inbox.
And one of them was from Liz and
that inspired today's episode
(07:22):
because Liz emailed me and she said,
I'm 64 years old and I want to
pursue new career adventures.
With all the new stuff that's out there
to earn money or to just enjoy working,
I'm not sure where to start finding
these different types of opportunities--
work from home or whatever.
Do you have any ideas of
where I can begin looking?
(07:42):
This is such an overwhelming task.
I love this question from Liz
and I answered her and I'll
answer it more at the end, but
it got me thinking about this idea and
this concept of decision making because I
feel like in today's world, there are so
many options and so many opportunities.
We're seeing this actually with Jack, our
(08:03):
21 year old who is going back to school.
He took a year off, went to Costa Rica.
We had talked about that
a couple episodes back.
Going back to school, feeling
really overwhelmed with the
number of opportunities.
And it seems like it should be one of
those things where it's like, wow, we
have all these choices, all these options.
(08:23):
But instead of feeling
like, wow, this is great.
We end up feeling overwhelmed.
Yeah, and with Jack in particular,
trying to figure out what his
next chapter in his life was does
feel very daunting, so having
conversations and we've been through
some of this stuff with him before.
seeing how he would work through
that decision and having those
conversations with him it was, it was.
(08:45):
Enlightening to see that.
Oh, he's he's made a lot of progress,
but these are still big decisions and
you know you need to have a process in
a way to Think about it and address it
so that you don't Spend too much time
whether that's on research or something
else because Decisions can be hard and
I think it's okay that they're hard
(09:05):
the paradox of choice, which
we have definitely talked
about on the podcast before.
Barry Schwartz pioneered this whole
study with the paradox of choice,
where it feels like the more choices
we have, the more opportunity we feel.
But in fact, once you get over
seven choices, you suddenly
feel stymied and you feel stuck.
And he even talks about it in terms
(09:27):
of being in the salad dressing aisle,
where there used to just be like,
ranch, blue cheese, vinaigrette.
Now there's like three million
types of salad dressings when
you go to the grocery store.
And sometimes you're standing
there and you're like, I have
no idea which one I want.
And you end up just feeling stuck.
(09:47):
First of all, spending way too much time
feeling like you're spinning your wheels,
standing in the salad dressing aisle.
I mean, nobody wants that.
And it's the same thing in life is
there's this paradox of choice And
we get frustrated with ourselves.
We feel like this shouldn't be so hard.
I'm sure with Liz, who's
thinking I'm 64 years old.
I've made lots of decisions in my life.
(10:08):
Why is this so difficult?
truth is, what we've been told
about decision making is all wrong.
All the things we've been told
historically about take the emotions
out of it, don't be emotional, just be
very logical and make the decisions,
is the absolute worst advice.
Because,
When it comes to decision making, we
think that we're rational, but decisions
(10:31):
are intrinsically tied to our emotions.
They're tied to the emotions in our brain,
and you cannot actually separate the two.
decision making happens in the prefrontal
cortex of our brain, which happens to
be the same spot in our brain where
our emotions are stored as well.
And, you know, John, you and I have
(10:52):
been talking about some of this research
and diving into some of these studies.
I found it fascinating that when
people have these brain injuries,
where their emotions are stifled,
suddenly they cannot make any decisions.
Yeah, that was I don't want to
say shocking, but it was very
surprising You Because you
(11:13):
would think the opposite, right?
If somebody did not have that emotional
noise clouding what decision they're
trying to make, then it would be so much
easier to logically see the differences
between different things and decide, well,
obviously this one is a better choice.
but it, it's totally the opposite
with these people that have these
(11:33):
brain injuries where they're literally
incapable of making a decision.
Yes they couldn't even decide
what kind of sandwich to make.
That's how debilitating it
can be when they have these
brain injuries specifically
to that one area of the brain.
And they've done these MRI studies,
these fMRI studies, where they
look at all the different areas.
The other areas are all working great.
(11:54):
The logical part of the brain,
the, all these different parts
are working fantastically.
The relational part of the brain.
It's just this one area When it
gets damaged, your decision making
skills just fall off a cliff.
It's kind of amazing.
And I think that explains a lot about why
we cannot take our emotions out of it.
(12:16):
That old advice, remove the emotions,
doesn't work because literally,
that's not how our brain works.
And I think, too, this actually explains
a lot about why teenagers and young
kids make a lot of bad decisions.
As a mother of one who just got out of
the teenage years and one in it, you
(12:36):
see them making decisions and you're
like, Oh God, what are they doing?
But their brains are not fully developed
in a lot of these areas, especially with
the hormones and everything else going on.
Trying to make these decisions is
actually very difficult for them.
And so I think understanding
that that circuitry.
Is not connected makes it so much
(12:57):
easier to stand back and go, Oh,
this is why they're struggling
to make better decisions.
This is why I've struggled
to make good decisions.
I think so and you know when
you think about it, taking your
salad dressing example, right?
And it's even worse now because right
you have these salad dressings on the
shelf And then you have the ones over
in the produce like refrigerated section
So there's two places you have to go for
(13:19):
salad dressings and it's overwhelming
and you don't have time to do all the
research So you need something that?
gives you the ability
to make that decision.
And I think that's where the emotional
prefrontal cortex comes into play.
And with kids, when they, their
brains are not developed, they
can't make the right decision,
certainly most of the time, right?
(13:39):
Because they don't have those
connections built in their brain.
And it's difficult to watch
them make those mistakes.
But I think sometimes.
By making those mistakes, that's
what makes those connections, right?
So we can't save them from
all of those bad decisions,
even as often as we want to.
But, they do really struggle, especially
with, with big decisions like,
where do I want to go for college?
(14:01):
I mean, that's kind of the, the first
huge decision a lot of these kids face.
and it could be debilitating for them.
I know it was very difficult for Jack when
we started his junior year in high school.
Oh, I wouldn't even say his junior year.
That kid was stressed about it.
Like in fifth grade, what if I don't
know where I want to go to college?
What if I don't know what I want to do?
What if I, he was always our worrier,
(14:22):
which is why I think it's so funny
that he is now leaving to go travel
through Europe for two months by
himself with just a backpack, right?
I mean, but it is because.
There's been lots of decisions
he's made in the past.
He's strengthened up that muscle.
And I think part of it is we've talked to
him quite a bit about decision making and
understanding There is
(14:44):
no perfect decision.
I think that's the thing that, that
really most people struggle with is
they want to make the right decision.
And the problem is quite frankly, we
don't know a good decision in the moment.
We often can only know if something
was a good decision when we're
looking in the rear view mirror.
When we're looking back after
(15:06):
the passage of time, we can go,
Oh, that was a good decision.
I'm so glad I did that.
In the moment though, there was still
the anxiety, there was still the stress.
There was still a lot of that uncertainty
where you're like, I don't know if
this is good or bad or right or wrong.
And so it is, a lot of it is
letting go of that need to be right.
(15:26):
Yes.
Or for it to be good.
Because the truth is, we have
to let go of this idea of good
decisions and bad decisions.
So many times, we don't know
if something is good or bad.
We really don't.
John, you and I were talking
about this a while back.
That if we look at our timeline, and the
(15:47):
things that happen to us, there are things
that in the moment, we judged as good.
Or bad, right?
The guy who broke up with me, before
I met John, that was a terrible thing.
It was awful.
Oh my gosh, the melodrama of it all.
I thought it was bad in the moment.
Clearly though, great.
I'm so glad.
(16:07):
I'm so glad he broke up with me now as an
almost 50 year old because if he hadn't,
I wouldn't be with John where I am happy.
And how many other things in our
timeline did we judge as bad or terrible?
that actually turned out to be
good or amazing or incredible.
How many things that we
thought were good, Oh, good.
(16:29):
This guy is working out that actually
ended up being bad because you know,
six months down the road, you want
to break up with him or you marry
somebody and you realize later, Oh, I
thought it was great, but it wasn't.
So again, we don't really know that
until we've had the passage of time.
So one of the things I've been working
on is letting go of this idea or
(16:51):
this concept of good versus bad.
This is a good thing that's happening
or this is a bad thing that's happening.
The truth is we have no idea in the
moment because in our timeline all we can
see is this tiny little swath of time.
We can see behind us and we
can see right where we are.
This whole thing in front
of us, this whole timeline.
(17:13):
All these years ahead of us, we
have no idea what's going to happen.
So that's the first thing that I would
say is let go of the idea that we
have to make a good decision because
truly some of my, you could say worst
decisions turned out to be great because
I got so much knowledge out of it.
I got so much wisdom out of it and
they didn't feel amazing at the
time when they were bad decisions.
(17:34):
But I'm grateful for them now
because they gave me a lot.
We talk about my backpack, right?
We talk about the idea and that concept
of your backpack as you go through
life and you're gathering together
the wisdom and the knowledge and the
experiences and the failures, the
failures were a lot of bad decisions.
And thank goodness I have them because
that's made me so much smarter.
And that's made me so much better
(17:55):
and stronger and more self assured.
I like what you said there, John,
about we want to save our kids
from making these bad decisions.
This is the hardest part of parenting,
quite frankly, is hands off.
Watching them make choices, watching
them make decisions, watching them
as they're failing at something and
(18:17):
not going in and just Oh, you want
to save them every time and yet
that's where the lessons are learned.
So I think for me, that's
been a big turning point.
I think, you know, going through
that together has been helpful.
And then going through it again with
Jack, I can see the growth in him, like
(18:38):
this second round of deciding where he's
going to go to college now, instead of
a three year process of him worrying
and Us doing all these different things
that it took us like a month, right?
And I remember talking to him about this
very same thing about making decisions.
And you know, what I told him was,
All you can do is make the best
decision that you can right now.
(18:58):
Obviously, that's, the goal.
You can't make a perfect decision.
The only wrong decision you
can make is to not decide.
and I think that helped him.
You know, you're going to make this
decision and it could turn out great.
Two years from now, you might be
like, well, maybe that wasn't the
best school for me, but that's okay.
Because a lot of those mistakes and
failures, like you talked about in
your backpack, those are some of
(19:20):
the greatest lessons that we have.
And those are some of
the things that shape us.
And if you don't make that decision that
leads to that mistake or that lesson,
You're not the same person like that.
That's part of your journey.
so I used to have, I don't know if
you remember this, but back when
I worked at Brinker on my, on my
whiteboard, I had this quote that
said The best decision is to act.
(19:41):
Because I was one of those kind of
research people that I wanted to go and
get everything perfect before I presented
it to my boss or the team or whatever.
and a lot of times that would.
That was to my detriment.
So I had to remind myself sometimes you
just need to make a decision and move
forward, with the information you have,
because if you don't make a decision,
(20:02):
that's that's the worst possible outcome.
Yes, not making a decision is a decision.
That's a choice, right?
I like what you said there because even
last year, your word of the year was now.
Like, stop overthinking it.
And we do.
We make decision making a
part of procrastination.
The overthinking is
procrastinating in a lot of ways.
(20:24):
You are, without question, a maximizer.
That's one of the categories
of people with decision making.
A maximizer is someone who wants
to have the maximum information.
They will go in these rabbit holes of
finding and gathering and researching
and researching again, and then
maybe researching again to the
point where it's the time to make
(20:45):
the decision has already passed.
I on the other hand am a satisfiser,
a satisfiser, which is someone
who is generally satisfied with
like, this is enough information.
And we kind of touched on this in the
last episode when we talked about the how
and the wow, how I have the big ideas.
And a lot of times you're like, I
want to know the granular steps.
And those of you who saw my leadership
(21:05):
guide over there on my sub stack that
I shared a couple weeks ago, you know,
that I don't like granular ideas.
That's not for me.
We talked about that on the last episode,
you know, in our disc assessment, even
we, we see that I am the risk taker.
And you are not the risk taker.
And for a long time, I struggled
(21:27):
with when I was making decisions and
brainstorming, trying to use you as
my brainstorming partner when that
did not work for you because you
were wanting to do all this research.
And I'm like, let's go, let's go.
So there we go again with our
strengths coming in to play
a role in how we operate.
And I think it's important
to know which one are you?
Are you a maximizer or a satisfiser?
(21:48):
Because for me, as a satisfiser,
that sounds better, right?
Like, oh, I make quick decisions and I
don't look for way too much information.
But I have to make sure I'm not just
running and leaping off a cliff.
I gotta make sure that I have all the
information I need before I jump, right?
And then for John, as a maximizer,
you know, it sounds like you're gonna
(22:09):
get stuck in a rabbit hole, but if
you know that about yourself and
you give yourself a container, you
give yourself a deadline of, okay,
I have to decide this by this date.
Then you can do all the research you want
until that date, and then you have to move
on, and you have to make the decision.
So, understanding how you operate.
This is, again, understanding
your operating system.
Your own unique way of doing things.
(22:29):
When you understand that, it allows
you to go in and make decisions
the best you possibly can.
I just feel like understanding how you
operate is the key to a happier life.
It truly is.
Understanding that,
communicating it, accepting it.
Instead of thinking, ugh.
I'm the worst.
Like John could think, Oh, I'm the worst.
I do so much research.
(22:50):
I'll be honest when we're going on
vacation and John has researched all
the things to do and he knows where
we're going and all the, it's fantastic.
It's so amazing.
It's such a gift.
I would never have the patience for that.
So both of them have good, good things
and bad things, but it's understanding
how you work and how you operate, right?
I think that's the main thing.
(23:11):
So when it comes to making the
decisions, What is it you should do?
I think that's the big question, right?
I mean, that's the question that Liz
was like, how do I make this decision?
And I think the old thing
was making the pro con list.
And I want to touch back on what
we talked about a few minutes ago
about the idea of good and bad.
That's the problem with the old
(23:31):
drawing a line down a sheet of paper,
listing the pros on one side and
listing the cons on the other side
is, how do you know what's good?
How do you know what's bad?
And a lot of times we're looking
just at short term, we're not
necessarily looking at long term.
Sometimes the short term pain
is for a long term gain, right?
Which column does that go into?
(23:52):
So, Doing away with some of
that and understanding what
is truly important here.
That to me is the key to good decision
making understanding how you operate,
what kind of information you need, and
then, what are the criteria that are most
important for you, John, you touched on
that idea and that concept of when we
were going with Jack trying to figure
(24:14):
out where he's going to go to college
back when he was a junior in high school,
we had this whole donut philosophy.
Do donuts make you better decision makers?
Yes, I do.
It's funny.
I shared this, how we had
done it with my friend.
Yeah.
Donuts are good for everything.
I had shared this idea with my friend,
(24:34):
Jon Acuff, when his, his daughters
were getting ready to go to college.
And he was like, this is such a genius
idea because it made it so much easier.
You know, we talked about the
fact that it's very overwhelming.
There's so many choices and options.
First thing we need to do is we
need to whittle down the options.
We need to figure out what is
truly most important to you.
So with Jack, what we started
(24:55):
with when deciding on college is
we decided on this donut shape,
If you look at a map of the United States
and you look at our house in Asheville,
North Carolina, my rule for him was that
he needed to be at least an hour away.
I didn't want him feeling like he could
come home and do his laundry, or he could
come home for, for dinner on Sunday night.
He needed that space.
(25:15):
I needed to give him that space so I
wasn't tempted to go every weekend and
see him because I want him to adult.
I want him just to step
into adulthood, right?
So we had this little circle that was an
hour outside of Asheville that was like
nothing in this area was going to work.
And then he said he wanted
to be within five hours.
(25:37):
So we had this donut shape of, okay, this
little swath of the United States where
it was like, what colleges are in there?
Well, just creating that donut of,
okay, one hour outside of Asheville,
and then about a five hour radius, which
is about to Nashville, I would say,
you know, going around in a circle.
That eliminated, I don't know, like
(25:59):
90 percent of the colleges out there.
I mean, immediately that whittled
our list down tremendously
yeah, that was a huge help.
I mean, and that's the thing is if you
can figure out, what decisions need to
be made as part of this bigger decision.
You have to have those, what are those
little decisions you need to make?
Okay, well let's start with where
in the country do you want to go?
(26:20):
And you're right, just making that
one decision, or I guess it's two,
like here's the, the first, the inside
of the donut and here's the outside.
We did, we eliminated 90, 95
percent of the colleges in America.
Just right off the bat, it became
so much more easy to deal with.
And then we whittled down the list
more because it was like, okay,
what's, what's the next thing
(26:41):
that's most important to you?
Well, the next thing that was important
to him was the size of the college.
He wanted a college that wasn't big.
He wanted something that was
small, but not too small.
So we, we kind of got into this range of
what was the right size for him, right?
We had a conversation
about what size college.
Well, right there, we whittled
off a lot more, right?
We took more schools off of our list.
(27:03):
And then we just kept going
through, what are the things
that are most important to you?
So it was like, next up was the, I
can't remember the next thing, but
there were all these things that
he listed out as being important.
And each time, we looked at that
one thing, it would clear out
quite a few options on the list.
And then all of a sudden, instead
of having 3 million options of
(27:24):
where you can go to college, I
think we were down to like 10.
and you can see how it's so much easier
to make a decision based off of that.
So it's almost like knowing
which levers you need to pull.
What are the things that
are most important to you?
So when you're making a decision,
that's where I would start, not
with the pro and the con list.
(27:44):
Start with what's important to
me about making this decision.
What are the key things that are
most important when I am making this?
Okay, and then start with one, And
then get some of those options off your
list and just keep wiping them away.
It's almost like they're all laid
out on this table and you're just
like scooting them off the table.
You're swiping them away so that you
(28:06):
have fewer choices and fewer options.
That sounds contrary to what you want.
We think we want all these
options, but it's overwhelming
us with that paradox of choice.
fewer options that fit and that
align with what I truly desire.
That's the key.
And so I can't just say, well, these
are the five, things that you need to
(28:27):
look at if we're talking about colleges
or we're talking about whatever.
It's really what's most important to you.
What aligns with your goals?
What aligns with your values?
That's a great place to start.
I think the other thing that was really
great about the way you set up that
particular process for Jack is because
he's a maximizer like me, And especially
as a teenager with the Internet, he'll
(28:48):
research things for weeks if we let him.
you set up a system where we
just, we said, okay, we're going
to meet and talk about this on
Thursday nights after dinner.
That's the only time of the week
that we're going to talk about this.
So he knew that he, he could do
his research for an entire week,
but Thursday night came around,
we were going to talk about it.
And it also, it saved him from
(29:10):
that uncertainty of when are we
going to talk, you know, how are
we going to make this decision?
I don't know.
Like we had this check in every
week for 30 minutes and we were able
to make these little incremental
steps and these small decisions.
And by the time we got to his
spring semester of his junior year,
he felt so much more comfortable.
and we had, we had a list of
five that were prioritized and he
(29:32):
knew what he was going to do and
he felt so much more confident.
but it was all in the approach.
And I think that's, that's,
what's really important.
Having that college planning night,
I think we did it on Thursday nights.
I talk about this in On Purpose and
in my book, because it was so much
nicer that we weren't dealing with this
uncertainty, the uncertainty of me.
(29:52):
Wondering have you looked into
the colleges, him not dealing with
the uncertainty of when his mom
gonna jump down my throat about
not, not having these things done.
Right?
So it took all of that
out of the equation.
And you can do that for yourself
because a lot of times making
these decisions in a silo.
By yourself is like an echo
(30:13):
chamber where it's just the idea
is bouncing right back at you.
So having a regular check in as you're
making, especially a major decision
with somebody else and say, Hey, if
you don't mind, let's check in on
Wednesday afternoons for like 30 minutes.
I want to talk to you
about how this is going.
That's a great way to really feel
confident about your decision.
the truth is not all your
(30:33):
decisions are going to be winners.
Even the ones that you take a lot of
time and you take a lot of effort and a
lot of energy to make very intentional,
they're not all going to be winners.
As shown by the fact that Jack
then left High Point, it turned
out not to be the school for him.
There were other levers we didn't
even know about that needed to be
pulled, Although I will say, He had a
(30:56):
fantastic experience his freshman year.
He met some incredible people who he's
still very close with and he still
meets with and chats with regularly.
There's no regret in that
because he got so much out of it.
And now with him making the
decision about, okay, I'm going off.
I'm going to backpack.
He saved money.
He's backpacking across Europe.
(31:16):
by himself, meeting up with several of
his friends he met through Costa Rica,
that he's got friends all around Europe.
And then he was like, okay,
I want to go back to school.
This decision of where he's going
this fall was so much easier, so
much faster because he already had
a lot of tools and he had a lot more
idea of what was important to him.
So for him, he was like,
(31:37):
I want to go in state.
And I want to do graphic design.
He understands that now that that
graphic design is where he wants to go.
So that was so easy.
It was like, what's good.
What schools are good and graphic
design that are in state or at
least close by and we had that
decision drilled in very quickly.
So, that's the thing is, you're
going to make decisions that stink.
(31:57):
Sometimes you're going to make
decisions that are the wrong decisions.
You're going to make decisions that
you're going to look back and be
like, I can't believe I did that,
but you learn so much from it.
Right.
And then your next decision gets even
better and it gets stronger and it gets,
and that's the thing is I want you to
realize that letting go of the idea of
making the perfect decision is so freeing.
(32:17):
Because then it allows you to experiment.
Life is an experiment.
Life is truly a game.
Try things out.
If it doesn't work out, most
time it's no harm, no foul.
You can shift, you can change,
you can do something else.
treat life more as, okay, this is
an opportunity, I'm going to try it.
I'm not locked in.
Very rarely is a decision permanent.
Very rarely.
(32:38):
So giving yourself that grace
and that freedom to do that.
all of this to say.
It truly goes down to
what's important to you.
in thinking about that email that I
got from Liz about where do I go now,
I, there's all these opportunities.
Let me tell you what I said to Liz.
I said to her, I think the place to start
(32:58):
is figure out what's important to you.
do an audit of yourself
to get some clarity.
So on the sub stack, I've done a
couple of activities and exercises.
I said, there's one on essential
needs, which we talked about
here on the podcast, right?
If you know that your essential
needs involve being in proximity to
other people, then working from home
(33:20):
probably isn't going to work for you,
or at least working from home, if
that's like exclusively how that job
operates, but you know, you need to be
around other people that, that clears
the table of a lot of opportunities.
If everything is work from home and
you're like, Oh, I'm going to hate that.
Great.
Let's cross those off the list.
Right?
And so then you can start to figure out
what's the work style that works for me.
(33:43):
And you can start crossing
off opportunities.
These don't work for me because
this isn't the style I want.
So I said, do the
essential needs exercise.
And then do the superpowers exercise.
Figure out what are your strengths?
What are you great at?
And then we can figure out and hone in on
what type of work you really want to do.
Because remember, if it's a
superpower, not only is it something
(34:03):
you're good at, it's something
you're really passionate about.
It's something you really enjoy.
both of those activities are there on the
sub stack that I have Not Rocket Science.
Both of them are free for anyone.
I will put the links in the show notes.
If you're thinking about something like
this, go through, do an audit of yourself.
Now that we figured out all of this,
What type of work you want, what style
of work you want, all of a sudden our
(34:25):
options are a little bit more narrow
and it's easier to make some decisions.
And then you figure out what
other levers I need to pull.
What are the other things
that are important to me?
Is it important for me
to, to stay in my state?
Is it important for me to live in my city?
Or am I willing to go out of state?
Start figuring out those things
and you'll start whittling it in
and figuring out what's truly going
(34:45):
to be the best decision for you.
And that's what it comes down
to the best decision with the
information you have right now.
That's all we can all ask for.
great advice, you know, like how can
you create your own Decision donut
like we did for Jack, you know, and it
doesn't have to have anything to do with
geography, but what what levers can you
pull to limit that and whittle those
(35:07):
decisions down and, you know, I think the
other part of that is don't be afraid.
To make a wrong decision or a bad
decision, because, like you said,
we don't know if this is going to
end up being the right decision
or a bad decision right now.
All we're doing is.
making a decision.
And whether that job you take
(35:28):
ends up being the perfect job
or you love it, maybe it won't.
Just like Jack's first college
experience, it may not be the best thing.
But you'll learn a lot from that.
And the next job you take
will be an even better fit.
And that's, that'll all
be part of your growth.
a lot of, decision problems that I always
had was, it was all fear based, right?
Because I was afraid to
make the wrong decision.
(35:49):
But, you know, I would just say, don't
be afraid to make the wrong decision,
you know, because it's going to be
the right decision for you right now,
however it turns out in the future.
and you just, you just need to make
it and figure out your donut so that
you can whittle those things down and
make the best decision that you can.
Yeah, and to make that easier, actually,
(36:10):
what I think I'm going to put on the
Substack, I created this little decision
making machine where you can plug
in the things that are important to
you, and it makes it so much easier.
I used it in my business.
I use it in my personal life.
So I'm going to include that
in the Substack, the newsletter
that's going out today.
If you are not part of my sub stack,
(36:31):
Not Rocket Science, get over there.
I'm telling you so many things
that we talk about here.
We go more in depth with in that
not rocket science sub stack.
So go to Tanya Dalton.
com slash connect.
As I mentioned.
I'm asking you for the month of May
to share, share this podcast episode.
Certainly, if you know someone who
(36:52):
struggles with decision making,
snap a screenshot and share it.
But also sharing the, the sub
stack, because I would love for
more people to feel confident
with how they're making decisions.
Everything we talk about here
on the intentional advantage and
the sub stack really is about you
finding more meaning in your life.
So, please share it.
I would love that.
(37:14):
It would be such a fantastic
birthday present for me.
And if you're not over there, come
and join us because we're having
some fantastic conversations.
This, email that I got from Liz
is just a perfect example of how I
love that this is helping me decide.
You know what?
This would be a great podcast episode.
Let's talk about this more.
And I have some other episodes coming
up that are driven from people talking
(37:36):
about it over there at not rocket science.
So Tanya Dalton.
com slash connect is a great
place to go get more information.
I would love to see you over
there at not rocket science.
All right.
If you're interested in that decision
making machine, I'll have that posted
today, and here's what I want you
to walk away from today's episode.
There are no perfect decisions.
(37:57):
If you are waiting for the clouds to
part and the rainbows to shoot out of
the sky, saying that you have made the
right choice, it's not going to happen.
Really, truly being clear on who
you are, what you desire and what
you want, that's how you're going
to make the best decision for you.
There are no right or wrong choices.
There's just the choices
(38:18):
that you choose to make.
And when you do choose to make
decisions, when you do them with
intention, well, that's when you've
got the Intentional Advantage.
Ready to take action on what we
talked about on today's episode?
The easiest way to get started is
my 5 Minute Miracle Mini Course.
It's normally 97, but you get it for
(38:38):
free when you join my free sub stack.
It'll boost your productivity and
it will double your happiness.
Plus, you'll get access to all
kinds of extras from the podcast.
Just go to tanyadalton.
com slash connect.
And don't forget to follow The
Intentional Advantage on your podcast
player so you never miss an episode.
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