September 18, 2025 • 27 mins
On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I talk about something that really lit my heart up.
It’s all about how a simple question like, “Are you OK?” - can make a world of difference.
Inspired by Australia’s “R U OK? Day,” I share why checking in on our friends, family, and even ourselves is wicked important, especially with all the heavy stuff going on in the world.
I open up about my own experience and how sometimes, just being asked a sincere, “How are you really?” - can be a game changer.
It’s not just about asking the question, but about being present, paying attention, and noticing when someone might be struggling - even if they’re the “strong” one in your circle.
I discuss why people sometimes don’t reach out for help, and how we can be the ones to go first and offer a listening ear.
I also break down the “R U OK?” four-step “ALEC” framework: Ask, Listen, Encourage Action, and Check-In.
I talk about how to prepare yourself before having these kind of conversations - making sure that you’re ready, in the right headspace, and have consciously picked the right moment.
I also share some tips on how to really listen without judgment, encourage small steps forward, and follow-up so people know you truly care.
My hope is that you’ll take this episode as a little nudge to check in on someone you care about - or even yourself.
We all need each other to get through the madness of life, and sometimes the smallest act of kindness can be the biggest blessing.
So, are you OK?
And if you’re not, I hope you know you matter and there’s always someone out there who cares! ❤️
KK’S KEY TAKEAWAYS:
• Asking “Are you OK?” can make a real difference in someone’s life.
• The annual “R U OK? Day” in Australia encourages everyone to check in on the people around them.
• Pay attention and noticing changes in someone’s mood or behavior is a sign to reach out.
• Before starting a meaningful conversation, make sure you’re ready, prepared, and have picked the right moment.
• The 4-step “ALEC” framework - Ask, Listen, Encourage Action, and Check-in - offers a simple way to support others.
• Listening without judgment and being fully present helps people feel seen and cared for.
• Encouraging small steps or connecting someone to resources can be more helpful than trying to “fix” everything.
• Following up after the initial conversation shows you genuinely care and builds trust.
• Even strong or independent people need to be checked on, as they may not ask for help.
• Practicing kindness and compassion, even in small ways, can have a wicked big impact!
BIO:
Spiritual Mentor and writer Karen Kenney uses humor and dynamic storytelling to bring a down-to-earth, no-BS perspective to self-development.
Bringing together tools that coach the conscious and unconscious mind, Karen helps clients deepen their connections with Self, and discover their unique understandings of spirituality.
Her practice combines neuroscience, subconscious reprogramming, Integrative Hypnosis, somatic work, spiritual mentoring, and other holistic modalities to help regulate the nervous system, examine internal narratives, remove blocks, and reimagine what’s possible.
A passionate yoga teacher, long-time student of A Course in Miracles, and Gateless Writing instructor, Karen is a frequent speaker and retreat leader. Via her programs The Quest and The Nest, she coaches both individuals and groups.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
Hey you guys, welcome to theKaren Kenney show. I'm really
happy to be here with you, andmostly I'm happy for the
opportunity to connect with you.You know, I never take that for
granted, that there are actualhumans out there who decide to
spend part of their day with me,and whether I'm going with you
(00:22):
on a walk, like you're walkingyour dog or your kids in the
stroller, or you're just outthere with your weighted vest
on, or whatever you're doing, oryou put me on when you're in the
car, I'm surprised, like atleast once a week, I'm surprised
when somebody will off handedly,say to me, yeah, that episode
where you talked about and I'llsay, Wait, you listen to my
(00:42):
show. So I honestly super duperappreciate it. And look, there's
some heavy shit going down onthe in the world. And when isn't
there, you know? And I thoughtabout it. I thought about it
long and hard. I have plenty tosay. I have plenty to say about
all the different kinds ofviolence that have been
happening in the world. I have alot of thoughts about a lot of
(01:05):
things, and when I thought aboutgetting into it today, I
thought, You know what? I wantto do something, and I want to
share something that actuallylit my hat up, and it's
something that I wanted to sharewith you, not that the other
conversations aren't important,because they are. And I just, I
(01:25):
always just say I trust, I justtrust my inner in a teacher, and
I trust the divine intelligencethat's trying, that tries to
come through me and myknucklehead. So this is what I
want to talk to you about today.Um, I may have mentioned on an
episode a long time ago, and Idid a post about it somewhere.
(01:45):
Sometime I wrote about this. Iknow I did, but back in college,
I went to Boston University andback at BU I you know, we're
freshmen. When you first getinto college, like, of course,
at that age, you think you knoweverything. You kind of have
your head up your ass, but youdon't really know it yet. But
you know, everybody's trying tofigure out, like, who they are
and their identity and whattheir thing is. And I had a
friend who was taking somepsychology classes. I think we
(02:09):
all took psychology, like, ourfreshman year as one of the
electives, or whatever. But shewas, like, really into it. And
so she would always come up tous, and she would look at us,
and she'd say, how are you like,how are you doing? And she'd be
like, especially as a littleMasshole, right? I'd always be
like, fine. And she'd be like,and she would stop, and she'd
(02:29):
like, squint her eyes, and she'dnod her head, and she's and I'm
doing it right now. If you'rewatching this, you can see me
doing it. She would like, reallylook at you and, like, tilt your
head and squint her eyes andsay, but how are you really and
it like used to drive me crazy,right? Well, fast forward. Fast
forward. Here we are today, andI can deeply, deeply, deeply
(02:51):
appreciate the powerful impactof that simple question. And I
was just reminded of thisbecause I came across that that
in Australia, the secondThursday of September, there is
a day that is called i, u, O, K,day. Are you okay day? And it
(03:16):
always falls on the secondThursday of September. So the
date sometimes changes. Thisyear, it fell on September 11,
and I thought, just what aperfect day for this to land on,
for so many different reasons.And the premise of this, this
organization, are you okay? TheAre you okay? Kind of
foundation, or whatever, wasstarted by a guy whose father
(03:41):
had taken his own life, right?He had died by suicide, and he
got inspired, of course, by thattragic loss, like something
like, I think his father tookhis own life in like, 2009 and
then however many years later,as an adult, you know, who now
had children and stuff likethat. He decided to create this
(04:04):
organization. And the premiseand the heartbeat of it is, you
ask people now, so they use theletter, this is a hot letter for
me to say, Ah, it's a literallythink of it like this, the
letter, ah, the letter U, andthen okay with the question
mark, right? Are you okay? Andwhat I love about this
organization is that theyencourage people to reach out to
(04:26):
others around them and ask thisquestion, like, are you okay,
checking in with people? Right?It's encouraging people checking
in with people, and especiallywhen, and this is one of the
parts that I love about it,because the requirement on this
pot, your pot, if youparticipate in this, is you have
(04:47):
to be awake enough and payattention enough to recognize
that maybe somebody has been alittle off lately, maybe you
notice a change in theirdemeanor or their mood. Food or
their energy or whatever. Youknow how you just know when a
person you know, or a person youwork with, or a person you go to
class with, or whatever, thething is, you just maybe get a
(05:10):
hit, like, I don't know, theymight be struggling, they might
be suffering. So number one isyou gotta be able to be aware of
your environment, like, like,get out of your own little
bubble and pay attention to thepeople, the animals, the things
around you, right? Enough andpay attention enough that you
can clock. Oh, yeah. So and Soseems a little down. So and So
(05:32):
seems a little quiet. So and Soseems a little off. Like,
whatever the word Your word isfor that, right? And what one of
the things I loved about, firstof all, I just love that they
asked this question. And alsothey're reminded that while
there is an i u okay day, we canask this of each other anytime,
any day. You know what I mean.But what's beautiful is that
(05:56):
they recognize that some peoplemay not feel comfortable asking
these questions, or may not feelequipped to ask these questions,
or might be afraid that, what ifthey get an answer of like, No,
I'm not okay, and they feel likethey're not prepared, or
whatever. And one of the thingsthat they do is they talk about
(06:17):
it, and, you know, one of thethings that I took away from it
is the realization that ameaningful, and that's the key
word, like a meaningful, so wedon't just ask it flippantly,
like, are you okay? Like, andthen move on with your life,
right? It's how a meaningfulconversation can really, really
make a difference. How beingwilling to ask the question,
(06:38):
even if it's awkward, even it'sa little uncomfy, even if you're
a little nervous about it, thatyou take the time to like do
this, to pay attention and thento ask. And because they know it
can be hard for people to bringthese kinds of things up, they
give you simple steps, right?And it's four simple steps of
how to do it. And these foursimple steps can totally change
(07:01):
a life. And I know that somepeople, and they have, like, a
lot of stats and a lot ofresources. We're going to talk
about that, but I know that alot of times people think that
they're like, I don't want to benosy, I don't want to butt in. I
don't want to like, placemyself, maybe where it's not my
place, blah, blah, blah. But theresearch shows that when you
(07:23):
consistently check in withpeople, when you consistently
ask them, like, how are youdoing? I noticed this, are you
okay? These kinds of thingsactually help people to feel
grateful. People state that,that they feel grateful, that
they feel supported. They feellike they matter. They feel like
(07:43):
they've been seen. They feellike somebody actually wants to
hear them and listen to them.They feel cared for. And let me
tell you, this
my last episode. I was talkingabout how we are so disconnected
right now. Everybody's in theirown little bubble. So many
people are just like in theirown world, thinking about
(08:03):
themselves, not looking up fromtheir devices, not checking out
what's going on. And there's alot we know that there's a lot
of separation and division andshit that's going on in this
world. And for a lot of peopledo not feel like they belong,
that they matter, that they areseen, that anybody notices that
(08:24):
maybe they're off or differentor whatever, and it's such a
simple thing to be able to asksomebody, you know, like, are
you okay? How are you doing? Inoticed this, and, you know,
that's why there's a joke thatsometimes goes around and
sometimes, like, you know, withwomen in people, especially who
I know that are considered likestrong people or the strong ones
(08:48):
you know, we sometimes willjokingly say, hey, check on your
strong friends. We see we see itin memes. We sometimes see
therapists, you know, do contentonline, saying like, hey, check
on, check on the people that youtend not to worry about, right?
Because people are not alwaysgoing to raise their hand or
shoot a text or call you orwhatever and say, Hey, I'm
(09:10):
struggling. Hey, I'm suffering.Hey, this thing is going on, and
I feel overwhelmed and I don'tknow how to handle it on my own.
A lot of people kind of suck atasking for help, asking for
support, and they're not goingto be the one to bring it up. I
can't tell you how manyconversations I've had with
people when I ask them, Well, ifyou're struggling, or if you're
(09:34):
suffering in some way, and why,why don't you ask for help? And
some people will say asking forhelp makes me feel weak. It's
not what we did in our family.But one of the things I hear all
the time is, I don't want to bea burden. Life is already so
fucked. So many people are goingthrough hard things. Everybody's
got their own problems. I don'twant to be a burden. I don't
(09:58):
want to add on to that. It. Soone of the beautiful things we
can do for each other, one ofthe gifts that we give to each
other is we go first. We arecourageous enough to go first
and to ask the question, and I'mgoing to share with you, like
their four steps that theyrecommend, and like how they
kind of do it, which is, Ithink, super, super, super,
(10:20):
fantastic and but I'm also goingto share this, this criteria,
excuse me. Hold on, excuse me.The criteria that you might want
to check in with yourself aboutfirst before you ask this
(10:41):
question is you have to makesure you know how they always
say, like, when you're on aplane or something like that old
saying, like, you gotta put yourown mask on first, right? So I
think of it like this, likeyou've gotta make sure that you
are in the right place yourselfto actually be available, to
(11:02):
actually be helpful, so thatyour offer to be helpful doesn't
end up becoming harmful, right?So some of the things that they
recommended this, you gotta askyourself this, these three
questions, am I ready, right? AmI ready to have this
conversation? What's my energylevel? Like? Like, what's my
headspace? What's my mindsetlike, you know, right now, am I
(11:24):
willing? Like, am I, am I openfor business? Right? As I often
say, am I, am I able togenuinely listen? Am I gonna be
like, be looking at my watch thewhole time or check it on my
phone the whole time? Like,what's my headspace like? Am I
available? Am I open forbusiness? And can I give as much
time as might be needed?Because, look, somebody might,
(11:45):
if this conversation might wrapup pretty fast, and they'll say,
You know what, I am struggling.I am having a hard time, but I
have so much support from mysweetie or my friend, or, you
know what, I have a strongfamily support system, or, you
know, I just started going totherapy, whatever. So they might
really appreciate it and say, Iknow I have, I've been off my
game a little bit, but I promiseI'm getting support and like,
(12:07):
that's it. That's the time,right? But somebody else might
need a little more time to kindof process things and talk about
things, and, you know, to warmup to like being open and
vulnerable, right? Vulnerabilitydoes not come wicked easy for a
lot of people. You know what Imean. So that's the first thing.
(12:27):
Am I ready like, Am I ready tobe a good listener? Am I ready
to be present? Am I in a goodhead space? So I'm not doing
this, and now I'm going to feeloverwhelmed and like modded
like, you're not going to matteryourself, because you're just a
people pleaser and you'recodependent and you're trying
to, like, you know, like, domore than you're actually
capable of doing. Okay. Then thesecond question they suggest is,
(12:48):
am I prepared? And it's like,and these are the questions they
said, Ask yourself, Do Iunderstand that if I ask how
someone's gonna going, howsomeone's doing, the answer
could be like, No, I'm not doingokay. Like, if you ask somebody,
are you okay? And they say,like, No, I'm not. Are you
prepared? Do you also go into itknowing that your job is not to
(13:10):
fix anybody, right? You can't. Imean, sometimes, yeah, maybe
their problem is they're hungry,and you can buy them a sandwich.
Maybe you can fix that. But itdoesn't mean if they're an
unhoused person, that you cancontinue to like, do that,
right? We can't fix everybody'sproblems. Some things we can
fix. Maybe you can connect themwith somebody. Maybe you have a
resource that they need. Like,yeah, but it's, it's like,
(13:33):
sometimes you might not be ableto, and do you accept also that
just because you're ready totalk and you're ready to ask,
and you're ready to be availableand present. They might not be
able to they may not be readyfor it yet, or they might not
see you as you know, somebodythat they trust, or a safe place
for them, for whatever reason.You know. So, number 1am, I
(13:57):
ready? Number 2am, I preparedfor whatever could happen? You
know, as a result of asking thisquestion, and number three, this
is really, really, reallyimportant. This is wicked
important, just in general. Didyou pick your moment? You got to
pick your moment. So have youchosen a good time and a place
(14:18):
to actually have thisconversation? Did you choose a
place that's relatively private?Is it kind of quiet, maybe,
right? Like, is it comfy, right?You don't want to be, like,
putting somebody on the spot,like, in a really public place,
especially if they're you feellike there might be tears, or
there might be emotion, or theremight be, like, whatever's going
(14:38):
to come up, right? Have youfigured out a time that would be
good for them, not just you,also you got to keep them if I
raise a good time for them tochat and again? Have you made
sure that there's enough timefor the both of you to have this
conversation like these thingsare like, wicked important as
well. Okay, so here's just tonow look some. Of you might be
(15:00):
listening, and you might belike, I already know how to do
this. Well, then maybe this,this episode, isn't for you, but
it might be for somebody else.It might be a good one to pass
on to your children, right? Kidsthese days, teenagers these
days, young ones. They are goingthrough some stuff. I mean, all
you got to do is go online, lookat the news, whatever it is, a
world of fucking violence andmadness and insanity, and a lot
(15:22):
of people, again, are not in thehabit of looking outside of
themselves and checking in onother people. It is somewhat of
a loss at form. And so you mighthave kids who like, want to get
better, learn how to be betterfriends, learn how to be better
listeners, like whatever. Ithink this is a really, really
powerful and fun way. I justthought it was so lovely when I
heard about this that there wasan Are you okay day. I thought
(15:45):
it was so fantastic. I'm like, Igot to share it with you. So
maybe this is something that youcan share with somebody else if
you feel like you're already anexpert at this. All right, okay,
so here are their four steps forhow to go about asking this
question and having this kind ofconversation. And they call it
Alec, a, L, E, C, easy way toremember this, right? So the
(16:07):
first thing is that you ask. Youask them in your own words,
don't be a weirdo, right? Youask them in your own words,
like, Hey, how you doing? Or,Hey, are you doing okay? Or,
Hey, I noticed, just wanted tocheck in with you, right? So
number one, you ask, are youokay? Excuse me. The second
thing is, you want to listen.
(16:29):
You don't want to just like,like, there's active listening,
right? There's all differentkinds of words about this. In
fact, I wrote it down. I mightdo a whole podcast about this.
Socrates called it like, Ithink, reflective listening,
whether we call it consciouscommunication, active listening,
mirroring whatever, seeking tounderstand blah, blah, blah,
when we listen, we want to bereally good listeners. And
(16:52):
you're listening withoutjudgment, you're listening with
your presence, like you're beingpresent. You're not acting
distracted, you're not checkingyour watch, like you're actively
listening. You are giving themyour time. This is one of the
greatest gifts you can give topeople. Is ways of showing love.
One is paying attention. Numbertwo is giving them your time,
(17:12):
but be present. Don't be like abody lights on but nobody's
home. Active listening. Let themknow that you're hearing them,
you know what I mean, and thenthe third step right is
encourage action, so you can askthem things like, you know,
what's the and we do this.Sometimes, I do this sometimes
(17:33):
when I work with clients,especially if we're doing some
sort of if people are, like,highly procrastinating or can't
take steps forward, orsabotaging, or whatever. And you
know, we might get down towhat's the next smallest right
step you can take. What's thenext smallest step? Like, is
there a step that you can take,a small step that you can take
that could help? Is thisanything that you've dealt with
(17:55):
before? Have you found thatyou've been through this before?
And there were some things thathelped and ask them to like,
maybe like, can you remember thethings that were helpful now, if
they share something that isoutside of your realm of ability
to handle it or to help orwhatever, like, you have to
recognize, I always say,recognize what's outside of your
scope of expertise or yourability to help somebody. The
(18:17):
next step, and this is for me,part of being prepared is, can
you help them find someresources, right? Can you help
them to get support? If you arenot the person who can do that,
right? There are times whensomebody might come to you and
say, Hey, I'm struggling withthis. And I'll often say to
people, well, I'm not anaddictions counselor, right? We
(18:38):
can talk about X, Y and Z, butif you're really looking for X,
Y and Z, you know, like thisparticular and it could be
anything. I'm just using that asan example, you know, I tend to
try and understand where I canbe helpful and where my desire
to help can actually be harmfulif I don't actually have the
skill set or the tools orwhatever, or the expertise,
(18:59):
right? Okay? And then the fourthone is to check in. So we just
don't like one and done it. Wedon't just like check in with
people. Have them bring up allthese emotions and then just
never check in with them again.So the check in is repeating,
like circling back, right? Myfriend and I, my best friend,
Katie and I, we call itkangaroo. I'm going to kangaroo
with you tomorrow. We'llkangaroo tomorrow. We always
(19:19):
say, right? So it's like, areyou going to kangaroo with them?
Are you going to check? Oh,that's so interesting. Actually,
this is Australian that this Areyou okay? Organization is
Australian. The kangaroo is aspiritual team on the job. And
so it's like, you know, checkingin with them, so that it's not
just like a one off or a one anddone, right? So that they know
(19:39):
that you care, and that you'reactually there, that you didn't
just ask to be polite, youactually give a shit right? To
be consistent, to follow up.This is really, really
important, and it's such asimple thing, you know? And I
was thinking about this, I'mlike, What's something really
simple that we can do to spreadmore love in the world? And I
just thought this fits the bill.This is so powerful, and it's so
(20:02):
impactful, and it's, it's such asmall, tiny, little thing, and
it is four simple steps thatcould change somebody's life,
you know, and so much about thisis, what's so beautiful about it
is they offer so many resources.So this is so great again,
especially if you're a parent ifyou have children, but in any
(20:22):
area of life, I was really blownaway. I was really impressed. I
can tell that this organizationdid their homework, and they
really, really care. So I'mgoing to spell out the website
for you, and it's the letter,Ah, right? Ah, like, is rabbit,
ah, U. Write the letter U, andthen the letters O and k. So
(20:45):
this is the website. It's ah, U,O, k.org, O, I, G, dot, a, U,
and they have so many resources,like, if you want to have this
conversation for with somebody,you work with a co worker,
there's like work resources,there's educator resources,
(21:08):
because what else could bebetter than than teaching these
skill sets to little kids? Sofor teachers and educators as
educator resources, there'scommunity resources. There's
ways of talking to your mates oryour mob, as they sometimes say
in Australia, how to be, how tobe a better friend. And it's
like hashtag, better friending.You know what I'm saying? This
(21:29):
is so fantastic. There's aresource for if you're part of a
sports team or a sportscommunity, right? There's
LGBTQIA plus resources. There'sneuro divergent resources like,
how do I maybe ask thisquestions with my friends who
are neurodivergent, right?There's resources for people who
are going through grief andexperiencing grief. There's one
(21:51):
for relationships. There's onefor people who are having
financial stress and checking inwith them, right? There's one
for people who maybe live inrural areas who are out there
remotely and don't get checkedon a lot. There's one for
seniors. There's one for peoplewho speak a different language.
I was like, holy shit. I was sodeeply impressed by this. And I
(22:12):
hope, if you're still listening,that you actually do this. I
hope you take me up on thisopportunity. And that's what I'm
doing here today too, is I'mchecking in with all of you and
asking you, are you okay, and ifyou're not okay, do you have
somebody you can talk to? Canyou reach out to somebody? Do
you have a support system ofsome kind, a sibling, a friend,
(22:33):
a pastor, a coach, a teacher,somebody so that you, you know,
get to understand that you'renot alone. And the thing is, is
that a lot of people you know,like, how do I say this? I'll,
like, talk to pretty muchanybody you know what I mean.
Like, I'm not, like, weirdabout, like, starting
(22:54):
conversations with people. Andbecause of I think of my
personality and also what I dofor work and stuff. People can
go pretty deep pretty fast withme, and I'm comfortable with
that. Not everybody is right. Sosome people might feel like I
don't want to intrude, or it'srude to butt into people's
business or whatever. But youguys, we all need each other.
(23:14):
This is how we're going to getthrough the madness of this
human experience, the insanitythat is this being a fucking
human on this planet today is weneed each other, and for
somebody to really turn to youand look at you and see you, and
to put this much time and effortto picking the right time,
picking the right place, askingthe question, thinking, ask,
(23:37):
asking those three preparatorythings. You know, am I ready? Am
I prepared? And did I pick theright moment? All this is going
to like. It shows thisindividual that they do matter,
that what they need does matter,that what they're feeling does
matter, that they are loved,that they are cared for. You
know what I mean? It's like,what a beautiful gift to
(23:57):
somebody, and if nobody has doneit for you, and if you feel like
you're the one who's always theone asking that question, just
know that I'm asking you rightnow, how you doing? Are you
okay? And you can answer me ifyou want to. You know what I'm
saying. People often do write tome and tell me how they're
doing, especially if they'rehaving a tough time and again. I
(24:20):
just thought this was so lovelyand so powerful. And I hope that
you ask somebody. And you know,sometimes we have to ask
ourselves this question.Sometimes maybe other people are
all up in their business, theirown business, and they're not
paying attention to you at all.And sometimes you have to stop
and get really honest withyourself. And you ask those
(24:40):
younger parts of you inside too.And you say, Hey, how you guys
doing in there? You okay?Because some days we are not
okay. You know what I'm saying,some days are tougher than
others. And I just thought againthat this is a beautiful little
thing. And so the four stepsagain are number one, ask number
two, listen. Number three,encourage action. Shin right the
(25:01):
E, and then number four is checkin Alec, a, L, E, C, and I hope
this has been helpful to you. Iknow a lot of people out there
are not feeling okay right nowfor multiple reasons. There is
so much there is so much pain,there is so much hatred, there
is so much separation, there isso much violence, there is so
(25:24):
much violence, there is so muchthat is going on. And we are a
part of, we are part of a lot ofwhat I would call like really,
really sick systems, really sicksystems and a sick society. And
if we're not careful, we're alljust going to get sicker with
it. And this is one of the wayswhere we can stop and choose to
(25:45):
do something different, chooseto be an alternative to what,
what social media is like,showing up for us, right? Like
all, just all the insanity. AndI just think this is a nice way
to practice kindness andcompassion and care and love. So
that's what I'm going to leaveyou with for right now. And I
(26:07):
hope you're doing okay, and ifyou're not doing okay, I hope
that you can have a listeningear, a kind, compassionate ear,
and remember, if you're going toask this question, the goal is
to listen without judgment, tolisten with curiosity and with
deep compassion. Okay, so onemore time, it's the letter i, u,
O, k.org,
(26:27):
dot A, U, and they have amazingresources. And even though their
their date for over September11, we can do this anytime we
want to. So maybe your are you?Okay? Day will be when you hear
this podcast and you choose toask this of somebody that you
care about or have been noticingmight seem a little off or like
(26:49):
they're suffering or struggling,because we all need each other
to get through this thing calledlife. You know what I'm saying?
All right, you guys, thanks fortuning in. I appreciate you. I
care about you. I love you. YouDo matter. You Do matter, and
you always have. You alwayshave. And so wherever you go out
into the world, may you leavethe animals, the other people,
(27:10):
the place, the environment, andyourself better than how you
first found it. Wherever you go,may you and your energy and your
presence and your love and yourquestion of i, u, O, K, be a
blessing. Bye.
Hey you guys, welcome to theKaren Kenney show. I'm really
happy to be here with you, andmostly I'm happy for the
opportunity to connect with you.You know, I never take that for
granted, that there are actualhumans out there who decide to
spend part of their day with me,and whether I'm going with you
(00:22):
on a walk, like you're walkingyour dog or your kids in the
stroller, or you're just outthere with your weighted vest
on, or whatever you're doing, oryou put me on when you're in the
car, I'm surprised, like atleast once a week, I'm surprised
when somebody will off handedly,say to me, yeah, that episode
where you talked about and I'llsay, Wait, you listen to my
(00:42):
show. So I honestly super duperappreciate it. And look, there's
some heavy shit going down onthe in the world. And when isn't
there, you know? And I thoughtabout it. I thought about it
long and hard. I have plenty tosay. I have plenty to say about
all the different kinds ofviolence that have been
happening in the world. I have alot of thoughts about a lot of
(01:05):
things, and when I thought aboutgetting into it today, I
thought, You know what? I wantto do something, and I want to
share something that actuallylit my hat up, and it's
something that I wanted to sharewith you, not that the other
conversations aren't important,because they are. And I just, I
(01:25):
always just say I trust, I justtrust my inner in a teacher, and
I trust the divine intelligencethat's trying, that tries to
come through me and myknucklehead. So this is what I
want to talk to you about today.Um, I may have mentioned on an
episode a long time ago, and Idid a post about it somewhere.
(01:45):
Sometime I wrote about this. Iknow I did, but back in college,
I went to Boston University andback at BU I you know, we're
freshmen. When you first getinto college, like, of course,
at that age, you think you knoweverything. You kind of have
your head up your ass, but youdon't really know it yet. But
you know, everybody's trying tofigure out, like, who they are
and their identity and whattheir thing is. And I had a
friend who was taking somepsychology classes. I think we
(02:09):
all took psychology, like, ourfreshman year as one of the
electives, or whatever. But shewas, like, really into it. And
so she would always come up tous, and she would look at us,
and she'd say, how are you like,how are you doing? And she'd be
like, especially as a littleMasshole, right? I'd always be
like, fine. And she'd be like,and she would stop, and she'd
(02:29):
like, squint her eyes, and she'dnod her head, and she's and I'm
doing it right now. If you'rewatching this, you can see me
doing it. She would like, reallylook at you and, like, tilt your
head and squint her eyes andsay, but how are you really and
it like used to drive me crazy,right? Well, fast forward. Fast
forward. Here we are today, andI can deeply, deeply, deeply
(02:51):
appreciate the powerful impactof that simple question. And I
was just reminded of thisbecause I came across that that
in Australia, the secondThursday of September, there is
a day that is called i, u, O, K,day. Are you okay day? And it
(03:16):
always falls on the secondThursday of September. So the
date sometimes changes. Thisyear, it fell on September 11,
and I thought, just what aperfect day for this to land on,
for so many different reasons.And the premise of this, this
organization, are you okay? TheAre you okay? Kind of
foundation, or whatever, wasstarted by a guy whose father
(03:41):
had taken his own life, right?He had died by suicide, and he
got inspired, of course, by thattragic loss, like something
like, I think his father tookhis own life in like, 2009 and
then however many years later,as an adult, you know, who now
had children and stuff likethat. He decided to create this
(04:04):
organization. And the premiseand the heartbeat of it is, you
ask people now, so they use theletter, this is a hot letter for
me to say, Ah, it's a literallythink of it like this, the
letter, ah, the letter U, andthen okay with the question
mark, right? Are you okay? Andwhat I love about this
organization is that theyencourage people to reach out to
(04:26):
others around them and ask thisquestion, like, are you okay,
checking in with people? Right?It's encouraging people checking
in with people, and especiallywhen, and this is one of the
parts that I love about it,because the requirement on this
pot, your pot, if youparticipate in this, is you have
(04:47):
to be awake enough and payattention enough to recognize
that maybe somebody has been alittle off lately, maybe you
notice a change in theirdemeanor or their mood. Food or
their energy or whatever. Youknow how you just know when a
person you know, or a person youwork with, or a person you go to
class with, or whatever, thething is, you just maybe get a
(05:10):
hit, like, I don't know, theymight be struggling, they might
be suffering. So number one isyou gotta be able to be aware of
your environment, like, like,get out of your own little
bubble and pay attention to thepeople, the animals, the things
around you, right? Enough andpay attention enough that you
can clock. Oh, yeah. So and Soseems a little down. So and So
(05:32):
seems a little quiet. So and Soseems a little off. Like,
whatever the word Your word isfor that, right? And what one of
the things I loved about, firstof all, I just love that they
asked this question. And alsothey're reminded that while
there is an i u okay day, we canask this of each other anytime,
any day. You know what I mean.But what's beautiful is that
(05:56):
they recognize that some peoplemay not feel comfortable asking
these questions, or may not feelequipped to ask these questions,
or might be afraid that, what ifthey get an answer of like, No,
I'm not okay, and they feel likethey're not prepared, or
whatever. And one of the thingsthat they do is they talk about
(06:17):
it, and, you know, one of thethings that I took away from it
is the realization that ameaningful, and that's the key
word, like a meaningful, so wedon't just ask it flippantly,
like, are you okay? Like, andthen move on with your life,
right? It's how a meaningfulconversation can really, really
make a difference. How beingwilling to ask the question,
(06:38):
even if it's awkward, even it'sa little uncomfy, even if you're
a little nervous about it, thatyou take the time to like do
this, to pay attention and thento ask. And because they know it
can be hard for people to bringthese kinds of things up, they
give you simple steps, right?And it's four simple steps of
how to do it. And these foursimple steps can totally change
(07:01):
a life. And I know that somepeople, and they have, like, a
lot of stats and a lot ofresources. We're going to talk
about that, but I know that alot of times people think that
they're like, I don't want to benosy, I don't want to butt in. I
don't want to like, placemyself, maybe where it's not my
place, blah, blah, blah. But theresearch shows that when you
(07:23):
consistently check in withpeople, when you consistently
ask them, like, how are youdoing? I noticed this, are you
okay? These kinds of thingsactually help people to feel
grateful. People state that,that they feel grateful, that
they feel supported. They feellike they matter. They feel like
(07:43):
they've been seen. They feellike somebody actually wants to
hear them and listen to them.They feel cared for. And let me
tell you, this
my last episode. I was talkingabout how we are so disconnected
right now. Everybody's in theirown little bubble. So many
people are just like in theirown world, thinking about
(08:03):
themselves, not looking up fromtheir devices, not checking out
what's going on. And there's alot we know that there's a lot
of separation and division andshit that's going on in this
world. And for a lot of peopledo not feel like they belong,
that they matter, that they areseen, that anybody notices that
(08:24):
maybe they're off or differentor whatever, and it's such a
simple thing to be able to asksomebody, you know, like, are
you okay? How are you doing? Inoticed this, and, you know,
that's why there's a joke thatsometimes goes around and
sometimes, like, you know, withwomen in people, especially who
I know that are considered likestrong people or the strong ones
(08:48):
you know, we sometimes willjokingly say, hey, check on your
strong friends. We see we see itin memes. We sometimes see
therapists, you know, do contentonline, saying like, hey, check
on, check on the people that youtend not to worry about, right?
Because people are not alwaysgoing to raise their hand or
shoot a text or call you orwhatever and say, Hey, I'm
(09:10):
struggling. Hey, I'm suffering.Hey, this thing is going on, and
I feel overwhelmed and I don'tknow how to handle it on my own.
A lot of people kind of suck atasking for help, asking for
support, and they're not goingto be the one to bring it up. I
can't tell you how manyconversations I've had with
people when I ask them, Well, ifyou're struggling, or if you're
(09:34):
suffering in some way, and why,why don't you ask for help? And
some people will say asking forhelp makes me feel weak. It's
not what we did in our family.But one of the things I hear all
the time is, I don't want to bea burden. Life is already so
fucked. So many people are goingthrough hard things. Everybody's
got their own problems. I don'twant to be a burden. I don't
(09:58):
want to add on to that. It. Soone of the beautiful things we
can do for each other, one ofthe gifts that we give to each
other is we go first. We arecourageous enough to go first
and to ask the question, and I'mgoing to share with you, like
their four steps that theyrecommend, and like how they
kind of do it, which is, Ithink, super, super, super,
(10:20):
fantastic and but I'm also goingto share this, this criteria,
excuse me. Hold on, excuse me.The criteria that you might want
to check in with yourself aboutfirst before you ask this
(10:41):
question is you have to makesure you know how they always
say, like, when you're on aplane or something like that old
saying, like, you gotta put yourown mask on first, right? So I
think of it like this, likeyou've gotta make sure that you
are in the right place yourselfto actually be available, to
(11:02):
actually be helpful, so thatyour offer to be helpful doesn't
end up becoming harmful, right?So some of the things that they
recommended this, you gotta askyourself this, these three
questions, am I ready, right? AmI ready to have this
conversation? What's my energylevel? Like? Like, what's my
headspace? What's my mindsetlike, you know, right now, am I
(11:24):
willing? Like, am I, am I openfor business? Right? As I often
say, am I, am I able togenuinely listen? Am I gonna be
like, be looking at my watch thewhole time or check it on my
phone the whole time? Like,what's my headspace like? Am I
available? Am I open forbusiness? And can I give as much
time as might be needed?Because, look, somebody might,
(11:45):
if this conversation might wrapup pretty fast, and they'll say,
You know what, I am struggling.I am having a hard time, but I
have so much support from mysweetie or my friend, or, you
know what, I have a strongfamily support system, or, you
know, I just started going totherapy, whatever. So they might
really appreciate it and say, Iknow I have, I've been off my
game a little bit, but I promiseI'm getting support and like,
(12:07):
that's it. That's the time,right? But somebody else might
need a little more time to kindof process things and talk about
things, and, you know, to warmup to like being open and
vulnerable, right? Vulnerabilitydoes not come wicked easy for a
lot of people. You know what Imean. So that's the first thing.
(12:27):
Am I ready like, Am I ready tobe a good listener? Am I ready
to be present? Am I in a goodhead space? So I'm not doing
this, and now I'm going to feeloverwhelmed and like modded
like, you're not going to matteryourself, because you're just a
people pleaser and you'recodependent and you're trying
to, like, you know, like, domore than you're actually
capable of doing. Okay. Then thesecond question they suggest is,
(12:48):
am I prepared? And it's like,and these are the questions they
said, Ask yourself, Do Iunderstand that if I ask how
someone's gonna going, howsomeone's doing, the answer
could be like, No, I'm not doingokay. Like, if you ask somebody,
are you okay? And they say,like, No, I'm not. Are you
prepared? Do you also go into itknowing that your job is not to
(13:10):
fix anybody, right? You can't. Imean, sometimes, yeah, maybe
their problem is they're hungry,and you can buy them a sandwich.
Maybe you can fix that. But itdoesn't mean if they're an
unhoused person, that you cancontinue to like, do that,
right? We can't fix everybody'sproblems. Some things we can
fix. Maybe you can connect themwith somebody. Maybe you have a
resource that they need. Like,yeah, but it's, it's like,
(13:33):
sometimes you might not be ableto, and do you accept also that
just because you're ready totalk and you're ready to ask,
and you're ready to be availableand present. They might not be
able to they may not be readyfor it yet, or they might not
see you as you know, somebodythat they trust, or a safe place
for them, for whatever reason.You know. So, number 1am, I
(13:57):
ready? Number 2am, I preparedfor whatever could happen? You
know, as a result of asking thisquestion, and number three, this
is really, really, reallyimportant. This is wicked
important, just in general. Didyou pick your moment? You got to
pick your moment. So have youchosen a good time and a place
(14:18):
to actually have thisconversation? Did you choose a
place that's relatively private?Is it kind of quiet, maybe,
right? Like, is it comfy, right?You don't want to be, like,
putting somebody on the spot,like, in a really public place,
especially if they're you feellike there might be tears, or
there might be emotion, or theremight be, like, whatever's going
(14:38):
to come up, right? Have youfigured out a time that would be
good for them, not just you,also you got to keep them if I
raise a good time for them tochat and again? Have you made
sure that there's enough timefor the both of you to have this
conversation like these thingsare like, wicked important as
well. Okay, so here's just tonow look some. Of you might be
(15:00):
listening, and you might belike, I already know how to do
this. Well, then maybe this,this episode, isn't for you, but
it might be for somebody else.It might be a good one to pass
on to your children, right? Kidsthese days, teenagers these
days, young ones. They are goingthrough some stuff. I mean, all
you got to do is go online, lookat the news, whatever it is, a
world of fucking violence andmadness and insanity, and a lot
(15:22):
of people, again, are not in thehabit of looking outside of
themselves and checking in onother people. It is somewhat of
a loss at form. And so you mighthave kids who like, want to get
better, learn how to be betterfriends, learn how to be better
listeners, like whatever. Ithink this is a really, really
powerful and fun way. I justthought it was so lovely when I
heard about this that there wasan Are you okay day. I thought
(15:45):
it was so fantastic. I'm like, Igot to share it with you. So
maybe this is something that youcan share with somebody else if
you feel like you're already anexpert at this. All right, okay,
so here are their four steps forhow to go about asking this
question and having this kind ofconversation. And they call it
Alec, a, L, E, C, easy way toremember this, right? So the
(16:07):
first thing is that you ask. Youask them in your own words,
don't be a weirdo, right? Youask them in your own words,
like, Hey, how you doing? Or,Hey, are you doing okay? Or,
Hey, I noticed, just wanted tocheck in with you, right? So
number one, you ask, are youokay? Excuse me. The second
thing is, you want to listen.
(16:29):
You don't want to just like,like, there's active listening,
right? There's all differentkinds of words about this. In
fact, I wrote it down. I mightdo a whole podcast about this.
Socrates called it like, Ithink, reflective listening,
whether we call it consciouscommunication, active listening,
mirroring whatever, seeking tounderstand blah, blah, blah,
when we listen, we want to bereally good listeners. And
(16:52):
you're listening withoutjudgment, you're listening with
your presence, like you're beingpresent. You're not acting
distracted, you're not checkingyour watch, like you're actively
listening. You are giving themyour time. This is one of the
greatest gifts you can give topeople. Is ways of showing love.
One is paying attention. Numbertwo is giving them your time,
(17:12):
but be present. Don't be like abody lights on but nobody's
home. Active listening. Let themknow that you're hearing them,
you know what I mean, and thenthe third step right is
encourage action, so you can askthem things like, you know,
what's the and we do this.Sometimes, I do this sometimes
(17:33):
when I work with clients,especially if we're doing some
sort of if people are, like,highly procrastinating or can't
take steps forward, orsabotaging, or whatever. And you
know, we might get down towhat's the next smallest right
step you can take. What's thenext smallest step? Like, is
there a step that you can take,a small step that you can take
that could help? Is thisanything that you've dealt with
(17:55):
before? Have you found thatyou've been through this before?
And there were some things thathelped and ask them to like,
maybe like, can you remember thethings that were helpful now, if
they share something that isoutside of your realm of ability
to handle it or to help orwhatever, like, you have to
recognize, I always say,recognize what's outside of your
scope of expertise or yourability to help somebody. The
(18:17):
next step, and this is for me,part of being prepared is, can
you help them find someresources, right? Can you help
them to get support? If you arenot the person who can do that,
right? There are times whensomebody might come to you and
say, Hey, I'm struggling withthis. And I'll often say to
people, well, I'm not anaddictions counselor, right? We
(18:38):
can talk about X, Y and Z, butif you're really looking for X,
Y and Z, you know, like thisparticular and it could be
anything. I'm just using that asan example, you know, I tend to
try and understand where I canbe helpful and where my desire
to help can actually be harmfulif I don't actually have the
skill set or the tools orwhatever, or the expertise,
(18:59):
right? Okay? And then the fourthone is to check in. So we just
don't like one and done it. Wedon't just like check in with
people. Have them bring up allthese emotions and then just
never check in with them again.So the check in is repeating,
like circling back, right? Myfriend and I, my best friend,
Katie and I, we call itkangaroo. I'm going to kangaroo
with you tomorrow. We'llkangaroo tomorrow. We always
(19:19):
say, right? So it's like, areyou going to kangaroo with them?
Are you going to check? Oh,that's so interesting. Actually,
this is Australian that this Areyou okay? Organization is
Australian. The kangaroo is aspiritual team on the job. And
so it's like, you know, checkingin with them, so that it's not
just like a one off or a one anddone, right? So that they know
(19:39):
that you care, and that you'reactually there, that you didn't
just ask to be polite, youactually give a shit right? To
be consistent, to follow up.This is really, really
important, and it's such asimple thing, you know? And I
was thinking about this, I'mlike, What's something really
simple that we can do to spreadmore love in the world? And I
just thought this fits the bill.This is so powerful, and it's so
(20:02):
impactful, and it's, it's such asmall, tiny, little thing, and
it is four simple steps thatcould change somebody's life,
you know, and so much about thisis, what's so beautiful about it
is they offer so many resources.So this is so great again,
especially if you're a parent ifyou have children, but in any
(20:22):
area of life, I was really blownaway. I was really impressed. I
can tell that this organizationdid their homework, and they
really, really care. So I'mgoing to spell out the website
for you, and it's the letter,Ah, right? Ah, like, is rabbit,
ah, U. Write the letter U, andthen the letters O and k. So
(20:45):
this is the website. It's ah, U,O, k.org, O, I, G, dot, a, U,
and they have so many resources,like, if you want to have this
conversation for with somebody,you work with a co worker,
there's like work resources,there's educator resources,
(21:08):
because what else could bebetter than than teaching these
skill sets to little kids? Sofor teachers and educators as
educator resources, there'scommunity resources. There's
ways of talking to your mates oryour mob, as they sometimes say
in Australia, how to be, how tobe a better friend. And it's
like hashtag, better friending.You know what I'm saying? This
(21:29):
is so fantastic. There's aresource for if you're part of a
sports team or a sportscommunity, right? There's
LGBTQIA plus resources. There'sneuro divergent resources like,
how do I maybe ask thisquestions with my friends who
are neurodivergent, right?There's resources for people who
are going through grief andexperiencing grief. There's one
(21:51):
for relationships. There's onefor people who are having
financial stress and checking inwith them, right? There's one
for people who maybe live inrural areas who are out there
remotely and don't get checkedon a lot. There's one for
seniors. There's one for peoplewho speak a different language.
I was like, holy shit. I was sodeeply impressed by this. And I
(22:12):
hope, if you're still listening,that you actually do this. I
hope you take me up on thisopportunity. And that's what I'm
doing here today too, is I'mchecking in with all of you and
asking you, are you okay, and ifyou're not okay, do you have
somebody you can talk to? Canyou reach out to somebody? Do
you have a support system ofsome kind, a sibling, a friend,
(22:33):
a pastor, a coach, a teacher,somebody so that you, you know,
get to understand that you'renot alone. And the thing is, is
that a lot of people you know,like, how do I say this? I'll,
like, talk to pretty muchanybody you know what I mean.
Like, I'm not, like, weirdabout, like, starting
(22:54):
conversations with people. Andbecause of I think of my
personality and also what I dofor work and stuff. People can
go pretty deep pretty fast withme, and I'm comfortable with
that. Not everybody is right. Sosome people might feel like I
don't want to intrude, or it'srude to butt into people's
business or whatever. But youguys, we all need each other.
(23:14):
This is how we're going to getthrough the madness of this
human experience, the insanitythat is this being a fucking
human on this planet today is weneed each other, and for
somebody to really turn to youand look at you and see you, and
to put this much time and effortto picking the right time,
picking the right place, askingthe question, thinking, ask,
(23:37):
asking those three preparatorythings. You know, am I ready? Am
I prepared? And did I pick theright moment? All this is going
to like. It shows thisindividual that they do matter,
that what they need does matter,that what they're feeling does
matter, that they are loved,that they are cared for. You
know what I mean? It's like,what a beautiful gift to
(23:57):
somebody, and if nobody has doneit for you, and if you feel like
you're the one who's always theone asking that question, just
know that I'm asking you rightnow, how you doing? Are you
okay? And you can answer me ifyou want to. You know what I'm
saying. People often do write tome and tell me how they're
doing, especially if they'rehaving a tough time and again. I
(24:20):
just thought this was so lovelyand so powerful. And I hope that
you ask somebody. And you know,sometimes we have to ask
ourselves this question.Sometimes maybe other people are
all up in their business, theirown business, and they're not
paying attention to you at all.And sometimes you have to stop
and get really honest withyourself. And you ask those
(24:40):
younger parts of you inside too.And you say, Hey, how you guys
doing in there? You okay?Because some days we are not
okay. You know what I'm saying,some days are tougher than
others. And I just thought againthat this is a beautiful little
thing. And so the four stepsagain are number one, ask number
two, listen. Number three,encourage action. Shin right the
(25:01):
E, and then number four is checkin Alec, a, L, E, C, and I hope
this has been helpful to you. Iknow a lot of people out there
are not feeling okay right nowfor multiple reasons. There is
so much there is so much pain,there is so much hatred, there
is so much separation, there isso much violence, there is so
(25:24):
much violence, there is so muchthat is going on. And we are a
part of, we are part of a lot ofwhat I would call like really,
really sick systems, really sicksystems and a sick society. And
if we're not careful, we're alljust going to get sicker with
it. And this is one of the wayswhere we can stop and choose to
(25:45):
do something different, chooseto be an alternative to what,
what social media is like,showing up for us, right? Like
all, just all the insanity. AndI just think this is a nice way
to practice kindness andcompassion and care and love. So
that's what I'm going to leaveyou with for right now. And I
(26:07):
hope you're doing okay, and ifyou're not doing okay, I hope
that you can have a listeningear, a kind, compassionate ear,
and remember, if you're going toask this question, the goal is
to listen without judgment, tolisten with curiosity and with
deep compassion. Okay, so onemore time, it's the letter i, u,
O, k.org,
(26:27):
dot A, U, and they have amazingresources. And even though their
their date for over September11, we can do this anytime we
want to. So maybe your are you?Okay? Day will be when you hear
this podcast and you choose toask this of somebody that you
care about or have been noticingmight seem a little off or like
(26:49):
they're suffering or struggling,because we all need each other
to get through this thing calledlife. You know what I'm saying?
All right, you guys, thanks fortuning in. I appreciate you. I
care about you. I love you. YouDo matter. You Do matter, and
you always have. You alwayshave. And so wherever you go out
into the world, may you leavethe animals, the other people,
(27:10):
the place, the environment, andyourself better than how you
first found it. Wherever you go,may you and your energy and your
presence and your love and yourquestion of i, u, O, K, be a
blessing. Bye.
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