June 19, 2025 • 38 mins
On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, we’re discussing something that so many people struggle with - Asking for help.
I'm sharing a powerful passage from Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations" that totally changed my perspective.
He basically wrote that we shouldn’t be ashamed to need support - just like a soldier who's been wounded might need a comrade to lend a helping hand.
Growing up in a blue-collar family, I learned early on that asking for help seemed like weakness.
But here's a truth: We're not born knowing how to do every single thing!
Remember when we were babies and little kids? We needed help with EVERYTHING - from tying our shoes to brushing our teeth to making a sandwich!
So why do we suddenly think that we should know how to handle all of life's complex challenges all by ourselves?
I share how trauma and tough upbringings can make us behave in hyper-independent ways – where we hate to ask for ask and definitely don’t want to feel like we’re “bothering” people.
We can also develop this kind of shield that says, "I've got this," when sometimes, we really don't. 🫣
But here's a shift in perspective that’s a game-changer: Seeking help isn't a failure, it's a superpower.
It takes courage to be vulnerable and admit you need support, whether that's from a mentor, a coach, a book, or a trusted friend.
This is an invitation to release the shame, embrace curiosity, and recognize that nobody comes with a complete life manual.
And a final reminder that AI/Technology can't give you a hug -or- truly understand your journey - only people can provide that kind of deep, transformative connection.
So, I encourage you to raise your hand, ask the question, make the phone call, and know that needing help doesn't make you weak - it makes you wonderfully human!
KK’S KEY TAKEAWAYS:
• Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• We forget we were born completely dependent and kind of helpless.
• Trauma can create hyper-independence that prevents us from seeking support.
• No one is expected to automatically know everything in life.
• Human connection and intimacy heal way more than just pure information.
• Mentors and coaches can provide transformative guidance beyond simple advice.
• Vulnerability takes courage and can open doors to personal growth.
• Shame around needing or wanting help prevents us from accessing necessary resources.
• Technology and AI can’t replace the depth of human emotion and understanding.
• Curiosity and willingness to learn are much more important than perfection.
• Seeking help also allows others the joy of supporting you!
• The Nest - Group Mentoring Program
BIO:
Karen Kenney is a certified Spiritual Mentor, Writer, Integrative Change Worker, Coach and Hypnotist. She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-BS, down-to-earth approach to Spirituality and transformational work.
KK is a wicked curious human being, a life-long learner, and has been an entrepreneur for over 20 years! She’s also a yoga teacher of 24+ years, a Certified Gateless Writing Instructor, and an author, speaker, retreat leader, and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.
She coaches both the conscious + unconscious mind using practical Neuroscience, Subconscious Reprogramming, Integrative Hypnosis/Change Work, and Spiritual Mentorship. These tools help clients to regulate their nervous systems, remove blocks, rewrite stories, rewire beliefs, and reimagine what’s possible in their lives and business!
Karen encourages people to deepen their connection to Self, Source and Spirit in down-to-earth and...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Karen Kenney (00:01):
Hey, welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I am
super duper excited to be herewith you today. Thank you so
much for tuning in. If it's yourfirst time here. Hi. Welcome so
happy to have you. If you havebeen with me a few times, if you
wait, that sounded good. If youif you've been around the block
with me a few times, I'mwaggling my eyebrows at you. Oh
(00:25):
my god, thank you for comingback. I super appreciate you
loyal listeners. I couldn't doit without you. So in my hand
I'm holding up this book. It'scalled meditations, by Marcus
Aurelius, and this is thetranslation by Gregory Hayes,
this is such a fantastic book.So some of you may know this
(00:45):
about me, that I am a writer. Iam a storyteller. I am a lover
of books and words and readingand books have absolutely like
changed my life. And you know,back in the day, way back in the
day. And I was just talkingabout this with my friend Tess
masters. Tess masters also knownas the blender girl. Some of you
(01:06):
might know her as the blendergirl, but Tess has a podcast.
It's fantastic. It's called, ithas to be me, and I'm actually
going to be on her podcast. It'scoming out, actually, on the
same day as this episode. SoThursday, I think June 19, 2025,
I think that's when it's comingout. So she and I were just like
talking, I'm gonna, I'm gonnamake a point about, first of
(01:27):
all, the name of this episode,right, asking for help. But she
and I were kind of talking abouthow, back in the day before,
there were like, all thesecoaches and all these, like
certified mentors and like allthese people that you could hire
like when you needed support,like back in the day, so much of
how I helped myself transform,make changes, do stuff is I read
(01:51):
books like I found so muchwisdom, and so many of my
mentors were like, first andforemost in written form, in
like, the Self Help section oflike, you know, the the crown
bookstore in California, orborders here, you know, in conk
and whatever. So back in theday, like I said before, there
are people like me now who are,like, certified spiritual
(02:13):
mentors, certified coaches, allthese things you had to, you had
to help yourself, right, likethe self there was a reason why
it was called the Self Helpsection. And if you wanted to
make change and stuff, you hadto, like, go do the work. Just
to do the work, meaning, like,you had to get your ass to the
bookstore to buy the thing. Youhad to order the cassettes, or
(02:34):
you had to go to a lecture tomeet somebody in person. There
was no internet. There was nolike, dialing it up and like
hiring people online orwhatever. So back in the day,
like we really had to do it, anda lot of it came through books.
And this book, Marcus Aureliusmeditations, was, like such a
powerful and potent it still is.That's why I'm like, I reread it
(02:55):
all the time. I picked thissucker up all the time and thumb
through it. And I was reading itthis morning, and I was like, Oh
my God, I want to make sure thatI talked about this. And then I
went back, and I tried to checkthrough my episodes, and I'm
like, How have I never done anepisode called asking for help?
I, for sure, have talked about,you know, talked about asking
(03:17):
for help, or getting help in,like, certain situations. I
think I had an episode called,How can I help, or whatever, but
I don't think I've everapproached it in quite this way.
But let me read to you what thisthis passage in meditations,
Marcus Aurelius. Now this book,this book, the translation by
(03:37):
Gregory Hayes. It's like bitten,bitten. No, it's not been, it's
broken, broken down into like 12different books. That's what
they're calling them, like 12little books. And in book seven,
so it's like 7.7 so Book Seven,entry seven, 7.7 I just read
this today. I highlighted ithere, and I thought it was so
(03:59):
fantastic. And I want to sharewith you, because I think it's
wicked helpful, especially forus, some of us New England kids.
And it's actually, it's actuallyfitting that I'm wearing my navy
mass hole, my navy mass hole tshirt today, because for us
little mass holes, this is areally wicked helpful reminder.
(04:20):
It says, Don't be ashamed toneed help. Like a soldier
storming a wall, you have amission to accomplish, and if
you've been wounded and you needa comrade to pull you up, so
what? So what? Don't be ashamedto need help. And I thought this
(04:41):
was so fantastic when I firstread it, and it stopped me in my
tracks, because I was a kid who,because of my upbringing, and I
guarantee you somebody elsethere, if not, many of you out
there are going to be able torelate to this. So one of the
things that happens a lot withlike traumatized kids, not all
of. Like everybody kind ofresponds to the events of their
(05:03):
life differently, but a lot ofus became like hyper
independent. Some of us becamehyper independent because we
were number one, highlyunsupervised, highly, highly
unsupervised as children. Oh, myGod. I always, I always jokingly
say, I write about this in mymemoir, and I say, you know, we
(05:23):
weren't just highlyunsupervised. We were like,
fucking feral. We were like,feral, you know. So you had a
bunch of, like, first of all,you had a bunch of young
parents. I always call it likebabies raising babies. That was
kind of how it was. And a lot oftimes those quote, unquote
babies, which were the adults,the parents, the Guardians,
whatever, the people who aresupposed to be taking care of
(05:43):
us. You know, they were likeworking. We were like blue
collar kids. They were either,like, working two jobs, three
jobs, hustling on the side, orjust off doing shit like, I
mean, you know, I generation,they had to, like, do a
commercial, like a publicservice a PSA, a public service
announcement. You guys rememberthat sucker? And it was
(06:03):
different celebrities, and theylike Grace Jones and Andy Warhol
and like, I'm trying to thinkthere were a bunch of them. And
they'd like, stare into thecamera, and they'd be like, it's
10pm Do you know where you Ican't even get through it. It's
so funny to me. It's 10pm Do youknow where your children are?
Here's the answer, no, most ofthem did not know where we were
(06:27):
again because we were in feralwe were just like running
around. Okay, but the reason whyI'm telling you all this is a
lot of times we did not havegood guidance. A lot of times we
didn't always have people whowere, like, teaching us or
helping us or showing us. So wehad to figure out a lot of stuff
on our own. And because of that,we tended to become really like,
(06:52):
like, talk about self help. Wehad to help ourselves quite a
bit. We became vigilant, like,almost like, hyper, hyper
independent. And in some ways,that can be a really powerful
and beautiful thing, because we,like, we That's the original
fafo, right? F, A, F, O, fuckaround. Find out. We had to a
lot of times. Find out the hardway, because nobody was telling
(07:14):
us, like, Hey, you might notwant to play on the train
tracks. Like, hey, you mightwant to, might not want to drive
over there and, like, buy drugsoff that person you don't know.
Like, hey, you might not wantto, like, go do this thing. You
know what I mean. So a lot oftimes we had to find out the
hard
way. But which can be valuable,right? Like, being really
independent is a powerful thing.It is also when it leans too
(07:38):
far, goes too far, it's like atrauma response, and you start
to feel like that you cannot askfor help. Number one, because
there's nobody there to actuallyhelp you. Number two, you don't
want to when you get rewarded,that's another thing that
happens is when you don't askfor a lot of help a lot of
times, especially if you're in afamily where there's already one
(08:01):
sibling or one child who ischallenged or sick or struggling
or whatever's going on withthem, and your parents might not
have a lot in the tank leftover, like for you or for your
siblings or anybody else, right?So whatever, there's different
circumstances. It could be. Youcould have grown up in an
alcoholic household, or a drug,you know, drug use, whatever.
(08:24):
There's 1000 ways wherefamilies, right, or parents or
guardians, whoever you grew upwith, you're in foster care,
whatever. There just weren'tpeople available to, like, walk
you through some of the harderparts of things. And another
thing that also happens in a lotof families, and especially, I
know, for like, a lot of bluecollar kids and kids I grew up
with, you know, you would oftenfeel shame for needing help,
(08:49):
yeah, for if you you felt likeyou couldn't ask for help, and
to ask for help made you lookweak, made you sound weak. Now,
it's one thing if you're askingfor help, sometimes for physical
things, like, like, Hey, I gottamove. And there's like, I only
gotta, you know, I only got mylittle car, and I need help,
like, those kinds of things.It's not necessarily that,
although I have known people whowould just go rent a U haul and
(09:11):
like, you know, rather justlike, and just try to do it all
themselves, rather than ask forhelp, because a lot of times,
you know that stigma of needinghelp, especially, especially
emotionally and mentally. Youknow, it was okay to to ask
people to help you, like, move atable, move a couch, like, do
something like that, right?Because when things would be,
(09:32):
quote, unquote, physicallyimpossible, but to ask for help
because you were strugglingemotionally, to ask for help
because you were struggling, youknow, mentally, a lot of times
it was seen as a weakness. Andwhat I love about this little
passage, again, you know, in inmeditations is it's just saying,
Don't be ashamed to need helplike a soldier storming a wall.
(09:54):
You have a mission toaccomplish, and if you've been
wounded and you need a comradeto pull you up, so what? And I
really. Relate this, like, ifyou've been wounded, like, yeah,
maybe some shit went down inyour childhood. Maybe some stuff
happened to you as a youngperson, or as a young teenager,
or young, you know, human being,where you weren't given
everything that you needed. Andthat could literally be like the
(10:15):
clothes on your back, food inyour in your body. It could have
been the protection that youneeded. It could have been the
education that you needed, thesupport that you needed, you
know, there's a lot of ways thatkids fell through cracks, you
know, and still, still to thisday, I'm not just saying, like,
Oh, back then, that's how I can,you know, I always say, I tend
to talk about my ownexperiences, because that's what
(10:36):
I tend to be an expert on. Like,that's what I tend to, like,
know about. And I don't assumethat everybody has had the same
experience as me, but I think alot of us can relate, you know.
And I think that this isprevalent, not just for, you
know, blue collar kids, but alsoyou see it in different
populations, you know, where itcan be hard for men to say, to
(10:57):
admit, like, Hey, I'mstruggling, or whatever, like,
I'm having a hard timeemotionally, you know, for a lot
of for a lot of boys and men,you're not allowed, you're not
allowed to, like, cry or havethose feelings in some people's
homes coming up, you know. And Ireally was, like, thinking about
this, because this stigma of thestigma of like, asking for help
(11:21):
makes you weak, or you should beashamed. And I started thinking
about how, like, when you'reborn, right? When you're like,
born into this little body, youcannot feed yourself, you cannot
clothe yourself, you cannot,like, get around on your own.
You know, you, you, you aretotally helpless. You cannot
(11:43):
verbalize other than to cry,right? You cannot verbalize your
wants, your needs, like yoursuffering, like, I've got a wet
diet. All you can do is, like,cry, but like, you're completely
helpless. We didn't know how todo jack shit as a baby, except,
like, stick our feet in our ownmouths and like, you know, make
faces and, you know, and poop ina diaper. Like, that's what we
(12:05):
knew how to do, right? So fromthe time we were little kids, we
needed help, and we could askfor help. Like, think about it,
we didn't know how to ridebikes, we didn't know how to tie
our own shoes. We didn't knowhow to make, like, a sandwich.
Like, we didn't know how to dothings. We didn't know how to
sew or cook or do laundry ordrive a car or, like, think
(12:27):
about the gazillion things thatwe didn't know how to do when we
were little kids, when we wereyoung, when we were babies, and
how much help we needed, notonly how much help we needed,
how much help we probably got.I'm not saying they were
perfect. I'm not saying ourparents were perfect, but how
much help we kind of did. Welearned how to button a button.
(12:50):
We learned how to zip a zip up.We learned how to like, you
know, walk to school. We learnedhow to like, you know, read a
book. Not everybody, but a lotof us, you know what I mean. So
we got, like, a shit ton ofhelp. So we were also, though,
encouraged. We were oftenencouraged by teachers. Like, if
you don't know something, raiseyour hand. Let me help you,
(13:11):
right? That's a whole professionof like tudas. What do you think
tutas Are? Tutors are designedto, like, help kids who are
struggling with a particularsubject, you know? And when you
just still look around youpeople in my profession, what I
call the helping professions,right? The service professions.
We're here. I always say, ifeverybody figured everything out
(13:34):
on their own, if everybody wasdoing fantastic, like, I
wouldn't have a job, you know, Iwouldn't be teaching yoga if
everybody knew how to do it anddo it fantastically and didn't
need help. You know what I'msaying? I wouldn't be a
spiritual mentor. I wouldn't bean integrative coach. I wouldn't
be doing any of these things ifnobody needed help. And so I
(13:57):
want to, kind of like normalizethis, for us to get out of this,
this old limitation, likelimiting mindset, that that it's
weak somehow to ask for help.And I think we're kind of like,
sold this load of bullshit that,like, just because we're a
certain age, or just becausewe've gone through a certain
(14:17):
thing, we should, quote,unquote, know this already. We
should know how to do thesethings, and sometimes we just
need a little bit of help.Because, again, we have to go
back to, like, the brain, right?And how the brain functions. The
brain is always going to try toaccess, like, what's familiar.
(14:39):
It's going to want to try and,like, do things based on what
it's already experienced. Youknow, it goes it time travels.
Obviously, it likes to timetravel into the past and and
just assign meaning to, like,the Oh, I know how this cup is
going to be, I know how thischair is going to be, I know how
this trip is going to be. I knowhow this person is going to be.
(15:00):
Because I've interacted withthem before. So it's always like
looking for the familiar. It'snot really, I think it's so
fascinating how much we rely onon the brain. And a lot of times
I will say to people like, Okay,here's the deal. Your your best
thinking, like your number one,numero uno, like best thinking
(15:21):
with your current brain is whatgot you here, right into
trouble, into this suffering,into this pattern, into this
habit, into this way of beinglike your best thinking. So if
you want to do somethingdifferent or novel or new or
transformative or make changelike what got you here is not
(15:43):
going to get you there, and weneed to bring in, sometimes, new
resources, new tools, newteachers, new help is right. Who
can you know, not boss youaround and like, wag their
finger and tell you like at youand tell you like what to do,
but can certainly be a guidealong the way, you know, and
(16:05):
say, Hey, and I used to hate,like hate asking for help for a
couple of reasons. Number one, Ihad that old stigma of like to
ask for help is weak. Numbertwo, right? Part of the ego and
part of like, the pride of like,I like to do things on my own.
Look how independent I am, lookhow capable I am, right? That
(16:29):
felt good to be able to do that.Also, there's another thing that
kind of happens with a lot ofthat kind of,
you know, the upbringings that Icame from in like, trauma, and I
know other people again, doubleAmen hands, if you can relate to
what I'm about to say is thatyou don't ever want to feel like
a burden to somebody else. Youdon't want to feel like you're a
(16:52):
bother or that you're botheringsomebody else, right? That's one
of the things, and it's alsolike risking rejection, like
you're going to ask for help andsomebody's going to say no. And,
man, what that would do to likea kid like me back in the day,
like I would just feel ashamed,first of all, for having to ask
for help, and then if I allowedmyself to be vulnerable and ask
(17:13):
for help, and like, gotta know,oh my god. Like, back then, that
would have just felt like I justinside, like I just got a little
squishy, like, my hat, justlike, squeezed a little bit
thinking about, like, youngerme, like, trying to be so brave,
and, like, put down her Dukes,you know, and like, Vicky with
2k from large is being like,Okay, I'm gonna ask for help,
(17:34):
and if somebody, like, you know,wasn't nice to me about it, or
made me feel stupid for needinghelp, or I felt ashamed. Like,
why can't you figure this out?Like, how do you not already
know how to do this? Right?That's the thing again, the mass
hole thing, right? There's like,people talk about people from
Boston and people fromMassachusetts, like, they'll
(17:55):
say, we're kind, but we're notnice, meaning we're kind. We'll
help you. We'll do stuff foryou. We'll literally give you
the shirt off our back, butwe're going to bust your balls
the whole time we're doing it.We're going to make fun of you
and be sarcastic and, you know,cheap shot you, and do all that
stuff. And I'm like, Oh my god.So like, a lot of times, your
vulnerability, you know, Ialways say, when you we when we
(18:18):
would have tender places as akid, you would think that
another human being wouldrecognize that it's a tender
place, so that they would treadlightly and it's no they would
find your tender place, and theywould find, like, noogie it, you
know, like they would go for it.So there's kind of like this
built in protective measureacross the board, for a lot of
people, where they're expected,they feel like they're expected
(18:42):
to know so many things. And Iremember, you know, I remember,
like, back even, even as a mymother, like, I got, I got my
sex talk pretty young. I think Iwas, like, six years old. And so
I also learned all aboutmenstruation and girls having
their period, and, like, thewhole thing, which I totally
dreaded, like I totally dreaded.And, you know, my mother, I
(19:03):
think, taught me about, like, Iknow she did. She taught me
about, like, maxi pads andwhatever, and said, like, there
were, you know, other things,like tampons, whatever, Playtex,
Kotex, all the different brands.But she died before I ever used
a tampon. And I remember I didnot want to ask my sister to
show me how to do it. I wasn'tgoing to ask my aunt. I was
(19:26):
like, nope, right? Like, and soI had to figure it out on my
own. And I'll never forget thatwhole experience. You know, it's
like, you don't know what sizeto buy, like, you have to go to
the store and, like, get them,and you get then you get to go
and, like, figure it out, andthe string and the whole thing.
I'm sure somebody out there islaughing right now, because you
too, you too, had to figure itout on your own. But then I
(19:48):
helped other girlfriends whoalso had, who were also feral,
who were also highlyunsupervised, right? Who didn't
want to wear maxi pads like youknow, again, I'm not bagging on
any. Anybody who that was yourpreference, or whatever. Just
for me, it was not mypreference. So I apologize for
making it. But for me, it wasjust like, No. But I also had
(20:09):
to, like, help them. And one ofthe things that I try to remind
myself all the time as areminder, obviously, for my tone
of voice with other people likeI never want people to feel
ashamed for not knowing things.I want to reward curiosity and I
(20:29):
want to reward courage andvulnerability when somebody like
doesn't know how something worksor doesn't understand something,
and it's so easy to be flippant,right? I know I've done it. I
know I've been quote, unquoteguilty of this before in my
past, and I really try to bemindful these days, because I
had to reform my own thinkingabout like, it's okay that I
(20:53):
don't know how to do everything.It's okay that I might need a
like, you know, a reminder onhow to like, you know, do
something, you know, and in thisworld where everything is
becoming increasingly, like,more technical, I've just
accepted, I always say, theolder I get, the more that I
realize that, like, it justbecomes painfully aware to me,
(21:15):
like, just how much I don'tknow. So I am willing to take a
book out, or to buy a book or toread an article or to Google
something, but sometimes it justhits a point when you're like, I
need another human being to sitdown with me and to walk me
through this, to talk me throughthis, to show me how they
(21:36):
approach this thing. Preferably,I always say like, again with
Marcus Aurelius, right inmeditations. I'm like, when
smarty pants people are sayingsmarty pants things, I am smarty
pants enough to pay attentionand to listen, right? So I try
to, like, go to, you know,somebody who I feel like has
been successful in doing thisthing before me, or a friend who
(21:58):
I think is pretty smart, and I'mlike, maybe we can figure this
out together. And that's thething, like, where my work comes
in. You know, it's like, I kindof like, through my own desire
to end my own suffering, and aslong as we're human, there's
gonna be suffering, right? Imean, we cannot eradicate all
suffering, however, we cangather some tools and some
(22:19):
perspectives and some resourcesto help us as we're navigating
these things, so we're notsuffering as much. And I know
for myself along the way. Youknow, I had some teachers, and I
certainly had a shit ton ofbooks that really, really,
really helped me, but it wasthat human connection, the
intimacy of another person beingwith me and talking with me and,
(22:41):
you know, helping me to seeagain, to shift my mind, maybe
from a perspective of fear toone of love, you know, to gather
different tools. And it's why,you know, when people say to me,
like, what do you do? I'm like,Oh my gosh. Like, I do so many
things. I've gathered a lot oftools from a lot of different
traditions and a lot ofdifferent what do we even?
(23:02):
Modalities, even, because Iwanted I needed help physically,
somatically, I needed helpspiritually, right? I needed
help. You know, in mysubconscious, like reprogramming
my subconscious, I needed helpwith practical neuroscience,
right, patterns and habits andbeing able to like interrupt the
(23:22):
way that that my brain wouldlike was going down habit road
all the time, as my teacher,Melissa tears, says, right. So I
wanted to be able to help myselfmentally, emotionally,
physically and spiritually. Andthat's where, like all the
different things that I, youknow, trained in and studied and
practiced, and now also teachand share with my clients, my
(23:45):
one to one clients who, youknow, join me in the quest. And
then also my membership people,my beautiful nesties, as I call
them, my group coaching program.The nest is passing these things
down, and that's the beautifulthing is once you just admit,
like, I don't know everything,and I do need help, and let go
(24:06):
of the shame, and let go of thestory, and let go of this idea
that you now, just becauseyou're an adult, you're supposed
to know how to do everything.And this is the thing, like this
bot, I always say, like as humanbeings, right? Like moving
through the world in this body,with this brain, with our life
experiences and stuff, we'reoperating heavy machinery, and
(24:29):
like nobody gave us the manual.So why should we be surprised
that we need help, and whyshould we feel bad about it, or
talk down to ourselves or seeourselves as less than it's a
really powerful thing to ask forhelp. And my hope for you, you
know, I look at like I look butfirst of all, my hope for you is
(24:52):
that you receive good help whenyou ask for it, that nobody like
you know, makes you feel stupidbecause of it. Um. That you are
met with kindness and openness,and that your curiosity and your
desire to change, to transform,to grow, to learn, to better
yourself, right? Is met withenthusiasm and encouragement,
(25:15):
because otherwise, like youknow, if anybody's trying to
tear you down or try to make youfeel stupid because you need
help with something. Here. Theycan suck it in a bucket. You
know what I'm saying? Like them,move on. Find somebody else,
because they're not your people.Okay, so I also, you guys know,
Marita and I do a lot of dailyreading. I have like, a bunch of
what you can call them dailydevotionals. You can just call
(25:38):
them daily books, read booksthat I read on the daily that
are literally, you know, brokendown. It'll say, like, June,
whatever. June, 14, June, 16,June, whatever. May this,
whatever. Okay, so some of youmay know who Ryan Holiday is,
and Ryan Holiday, I had justread to you about meditations
(25:59):
Marcus Aurelius, right? This islike, he's known as one of like,
the Stoics and philosophers ofstoicism. And so I also read the
Daily stoic. And this is 366
meditations on wisdom,perseverance in the art of
living. And Ryan Holiday, thisis his book. He and Steven
Hanselman wrote this. But whatwas awesome is when I was
(26:22):
flipping through this andreading this, the reading for
Marcus Aurelius, 7.7 which Ishared with you earlier, came
came up right? Don't be ashamedof needing help. And I also want
to share with you something thatRyan said, because it's right in
line with what what's been on myhat, and it made me smile the
whole time I read it. He says,so he starts with the quote from
(26:44):
Marcus Aurelius, right, thestoic quote. And then he says,
no one ever said you were bornwith all the two tools you'd
need to solve every problemyou'd face in life. In fact, as
a newborn, you were practicallyhelpless. Yes, someone helped
you then, and you came tounderstand that you could ask
for help. It was how you knewyou were loved. Isn't that so
(27:05):
nice? And then he goes on tosay, well, you are still loved.
You can ask anyone for help. Youdon't have to face everything on
your own. If you need help,comrade, just ask. And I love
that, right? It's like, and thishas been the hot beat, not from
this. I mean, this was somethingI've been talking about long
(27:26):
before I read this book. Butnobody can do the work for you,
right? Whatever the thing isthat you need help with, whether
it's like, you know, getting outof your own way, or like, you
know, trying to, trying to makeyour way through. You know your
lack of self worth, your lack ofself love, the struggle that you
(27:46):
have, you know, in yourrelationships within yourself,
the spiritual struggles, themental struggles, the emotional
struggle. You know all thisstuff you know you don't have to
nobody can do that work for you,but you don't have to do it on
your own. And having somebodythat walks along beside you is a
game changer. It's a gamechanger. It has been true in my
(28:07):
life. It has been true in thelives of my clients. It's been
true in the lives of people thatI know, who I've coached, but
also other people and friendswho have that I know, who have
also had their own coaches,their own mentors, their own
teachers, their own help is, youknow what I mean. So I guess I
just kind of want to normalizethis for you, because I think
(28:29):
we've been sold a bill of goods,sometimes from our families,
sometimes from teachers, right?Sometimes from coaches,
sometimes from elders, sometimesfrom whoever your siblings,
whatever your environment, thatwe're supposed to have it all
figured out, and we're somehowstupid because we don't. And
look, I'm the person in everylecture, in every class. I'm
(28:50):
going to ask, like, a gazillionquestions, and I'm going to ask
until I understand, because Idon't. I no longer feel bad
about not knowing things orneeding help. And it has been so
freeing for me to be able tojust raise my hand and be like,
Yeah, I don't get it. Or, Hey,can you show me that again? Or
(29:11):
that pot one, like, okay, I getPat one, but like, Pat two, you
lost me. Or, can you please helpme to understand how to do this?
And look, I'm just gonna saythis because I see it, I just
see it, I just see it. I justsee it. I'm grabbing my face. If
you're not watching this, youcan probably hear it in my
(29:32):
voice. Chat, GPT is not your newcoach. Chat, GPT is not your new
spiritual mentor. It will never,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be
able to replace the hat and theintimacy of human connection.
It's never going to be able toreplace somebody being able to
look you right in the eye as youtell your story, as you pour out
(29:53):
your soul, and as you ask forhelp, and the other person says,
I'm here. I've got you. I've gotyour back. John. That GTP can
give you all kinds ofinformation, but as my beautiful
friend Mary Ann C says,information does not heal.
Intimacy heals, and we need thathat to hat. We need that face to
(30:14):
face. We need that humanconnection. And even books like
books can be great, but let metell you something. I can read
something in a book, and thereare people who learn
fantastically from just reading,and I know like that's I learn
in different ways, as well as,like, reading, but being able to
do something alongside somebody,somebody who can really see us
(30:36):
and acknowledge our brilliance,but is also not afraid to call
us out on our bullshit, and tosay, Hey, I'm seeing a pattern
here, like, hey, what aboutthis? You know, it's not going
to be it's like, humans can't bereplaced in that way. You know,
chat GPT can't give you a hug.Chat GPT can't, like, hold your
hand while you're crying. Do youknow what I'm saying? Chat GPT
(30:57):
can't see you. It's just so takethat for what you will. I don't
think that the quality and thecaliber of that kind of
information is ever going toreplace human tenderness and
human grace. And you know,having a human mentor or a coach
(31:18):
who's gone before and knows kindof where these places are. Yeah,
information will only get you sofar, I guess, is what I'm trying
to say. So if you're somebodywho's been a little afraid to
ask for help, I hope that this,in some way, is going to give
you the courage, maybe a littlemotivation or inspiration, to
(31:39):
say, You know what? I don't haveto figure everything out on my
own. I'm not expected to knowhow everything in the world
works. You know, there's areason why all those books, how
things work like, exist, becausewe don't know, you know what I
mean, like, You're not expectedto know how to change a tie
without having ever done onebefore. You're not expected to
know how to like, like, youknow, not a tie. If you're a
young person who wants to wear,you know, or anybody who wants
(32:02):
to wear a tie, like, if nobodytaught you how to shave, if
nobody taught you, like, youknow, how to, you know, operate
a lawn mower, or whatever it is,things that might seem really
simple and basic to anotherperson if you've never been
exposed to it. How should youknow how to do it? How should
you know how to be in arelationship where there's
intimacy and deep emotional,excuse me, conversations and
(32:25):
connections, if you've never hadit before, if it was never
mirrored for you, if it wasnever if it was never played out
in front of you, if you neversaw a healthy marriage, how are
you supposed to know how to doit? If your parents all they did
was scream and yell at eachother, how are you supposed to
learn maybe it became painfulenough, and you decided I'm
never going to do that like I'mgoing to be a person who, like,
(32:46):
talks about my feelings ratherthan screams, you know, or
whatever, maybe. But we get soconditioned as young people. We
are literally being hypnotizedall the time as young people,
you know. And it gets in there,it gets in there, and sometimes
we need help and supportbreaking those patterns, and one
of those patterns and habits isbelieving that it's not okay to
(33:07):
ask for help. So let'sdestigmatize this. Let's unchain
this, and know that you know youare loved and that you are
smart, and there are people whowant to help you, and you're not
expected to know how to doeverything you know, and I try
to remind my clients of this allthe time. A lot of things were
not demonstrated to us and howto do things in a healthy way,
(33:31):
or in a way that is in a waythat is moving us in the
direction of how we actuallywant to be and how we actually
want to feel. You know, we justhave, sometimes have an old,
rusty set of tools. We need newones, and that's okay. And there
are people out there who want tohelp you, and there are people
(33:53):
out there that you can hire tohelp you, to walk along beside
you, and there's no shame withthat too. You know, sometimes we
think, Well, I have friends andI have family members. You know
that? You know I should be ableto ask them, Well, I love you.
And sometimes our friends arelike, knuckleheads, like,
sometimes they are not the ones.A lot of times, your friends are
just going to agree with you,and they're going to yes you,
(34:15):
and they're going to be like,yeah, you have every right to be
mad because he did this and shedid the it's like you need
people in your life who aregoing to stop you and say, Hey,
but yeah, it sounds like youdon't really like whoever taught
you how to forgive. Do you knowwhat I'm saying? Some of the who
taught you how to really love,who taught you how to express
(34:38):
yourself, who taught you how tohelp your nervous system to feel
more safety in the world. Thisis what I'm saying. There's so
much we don't know, and if wecan just accept it, and if we
can be willing to try somethingnew, and to say to ourselves,
there must be a better way, andthen to be open and receptive,
(34:59):
to ask your in. Teacher right toask your inner teacher, and then
maybe an outer teacher somewhereto go help guide you. It can be
life changing. It can becompletely transformative. And I
know because I'm living proof.So that's all I wanted to say
today. Little Love Letter frommy hat to yours, because I know
what it's like trying to movethrough the world trying to
(35:20):
figure it all out on your own.It's exhausting. It's
exhausting. And you know, if youcan find somebody where you feel
safe enough to kind of put downyour deuce, to lower your dukes
and to lower that shield and tobe vulnerable, it can be
absolutely life changing. So Ihope again, hope this is helpful
(35:41):
in some way, and you can alwaysfind out the ways to work with
me on my website. Karenkenney.com, I'm never shy about
it. That's where to find me.It's easy. You'll see things for
the nest and the quest and yogaand even how to use my tip, ja,
how to join my email list sothat you find out shenanigans
and what's going on. I have somecool events actually, that I'm
(36:02):
going to be doing in the nextfew months. So if you want to
find out what those are like,get on my newsletter. Just Karen
kenney.com/sign,
up. Alright, you guys. Thank youso much for tuning in. Wherever
you go, may you leave theanimals and the people and the
place in the environment, theplanet in yourself better than
(36:22):
how you first found it. Whereveryou go, may you and your love
and your presence and yourenergy and your willingness to
ask for help be a blessing. Letme also say this because it just
came to my head, and whenspiritual team s, t, o, t, J,
they hit me thing. Sometimeswhen we think we're being a
(36:45):
burden to somebody else, right?If we don't ask for help, we are
robbing the other person of anopportunity to also be your
friend, to also be helpful. Itfeels really nice when you're
able to help another person, andif we never ask for help, and if
we insist on doing everything onour own, and if we don't allow
(37:08):
other people to help us, wesometimes Rob other people of
being able to also have thatreally satisfactory feeling of
knowing that they did a kindthing or that they you know What
I'm saying. So okay, just had tosay that before I go. Okay, bye.
Have a great rest of your night,your day, your week. Okay, much
(37:28):
love you.
Hey, welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I am
super duper excited to be herewith you today. Thank you so
much for tuning in. If it's yourfirst time here. Hi. Welcome so
happy to have you. If you havebeen with me a few times, if you
wait, that sounded good. If youif you've been around the block
with me a few times, I'mwaggling my eyebrows at you. Oh
(00:25):
my god, thank you for comingback. I super appreciate you
loyal listeners. I couldn't doit without you. So in my hand
I'm holding up this book. It'scalled meditations, by Marcus
Aurelius, and this is thetranslation by Gregory Hayes,
this is such a fantastic book.So some of you may know this
(00:45):
about me, that I am a writer. Iam a storyteller. I am a lover
of books and words and readingand books have absolutely like
changed my life. And you know,back in the day, way back in the
day. And I was just talkingabout this with my friend Tess
masters. Tess masters also knownas the blender girl. Some of you
(01:06):
might know her as the blendergirl, but Tess has a podcast.
It's fantastic. It's called, ithas to be me, and I'm actually
going to be on her podcast. It'scoming out, actually, on the
same day as this episode. SoThursday, I think June 19, 2025,
I think that's when it's comingout. So she and I were just like
talking, I'm gonna, I'm gonnamake a point about, first of
(01:27):
all, the name of this episode,right, asking for help. But she
and I were kind of talking abouthow, back in the day before,
there were like, all thesecoaches and all these, like
certified mentors and like allthese people that you could hire
like when you needed support,like back in the day, so much of
how I helped myself transform,make changes, do stuff is I read
(01:51):
books like I found so muchwisdom, and so many of my
mentors were like, first andforemost in written form, in
like, the Self Help section oflike, you know, the the crown
bookstore in California, orborders here, you know, in conk
and whatever. So back in theday, like I said before, there
are people like me now who are,like, certified spiritual
(02:13):
mentors, certified coaches, allthese things you had to, you had
to help yourself, right, likethe self there was a reason why
it was called the Self Helpsection. And if you wanted to
make change and stuff, you hadto, like, go do the work. Just
to do the work, meaning, like,you had to get your ass to the
bookstore to buy the thing. Youhad to order the cassettes, or
(02:34):
you had to go to a lecture tomeet somebody in person. There
was no internet. There was nolike, dialing it up and like
hiring people online orwhatever. So back in the day,
like we really had to do it, anda lot of it came through books.
And this book, Marcus Aureliusmeditations, was, like such a
powerful and potent it still is.That's why I'm like, I reread it
(02:55):
all the time. I picked thissucker up all the time and thumb
through it. And I was reading itthis morning, and I was like, Oh
my God, I want to make sure thatI talked about this. And then I
went back, and I tried to checkthrough my episodes, and I'm
like, How have I never done anepisode called asking for help?
I, for sure, have talked about,you know, talked about asking
(03:17):
for help, or getting help in,like, certain situations. I
think I had an episode called,How can I help, or whatever, but
I don't think I've everapproached it in quite this way.
But let me read to you what thisthis passage in meditations,
Marcus Aurelius. Now this book,this book, the translation by
(03:37):
Gregory Hayes. It's like bitten,bitten. No, it's not been, it's
broken, broken down into like 12different books. That's what
they're calling them, like 12little books. And in book seven,
so it's like 7.7 so Book Seven,entry seven, 7.7 I just read
this today. I highlighted ithere, and I thought it was so
(03:59):
fantastic. And I want to sharewith you, because I think it's
wicked helpful, especially forus, some of us New England kids.
And it's actually, it's actuallyfitting that I'm wearing my navy
mass hole, my navy mass hole tshirt today, because for us
little mass holes, this is areally wicked helpful reminder.
(04:20):
It says, Don't be ashamed toneed help. Like a soldier
storming a wall, you have amission to accomplish, and if
you've been wounded and you needa comrade to pull you up, so
what? So what? Don't be ashamedto need help. And I thought this
(04:41):
was so fantastic when I firstread it, and it stopped me in my
tracks, because I was a kid who,because of my upbringing, and I
guarantee you somebody elsethere, if not, many of you out
there are going to be able torelate to this. So one of the
things that happens a lot withlike traumatized kids, not all
of. Like everybody kind ofresponds to the events of their
(05:03):
life differently, but a lot ofus became like hyper
independent. Some of us becamehyper independent because we
were number one, highlyunsupervised, highly, highly
unsupervised as children. Oh, myGod. I always, I always jokingly
say, I write about this in mymemoir, and I say, you know, we
(05:23):
weren't just highlyunsupervised. We were like,
fucking feral. We were like,feral, you know. So you had a
bunch of, like, first of all,you had a bunch of young
parents. I always call it likebabies raising babies. That was
kind of how it was. And a lot oftimes those quote, unquote
babies, which were the adults,the parents, the Guardians,
whatever, the people who aresupposed to be taking care of
(05:43):
us. You know, they were likeworking. We were like blue
collar kids. They were either,like, working two jobs, three
jobs, hustling on the side, orjust off doing shit like, I
mean, you know, I generation,they had to, like, do a
commercial, like a publicservice a PSA, a public service
announcement. You guys rememberthat sucker? And it was
(06:03):
different celebrities, and theylike Grace Jones and Andy Warhol
and like, I'm trying to thinkthere were a bunch of them. And
they'd like, stare into thecamera, and they'd be like, it's
10pm Do you know where you Ican't even get through it. It's
so funny to me. It's 10pm Do youknow where your children are?
Here's the answer, no, most ofthem did not know where we were
(06:27):
again because we were in feralwe were just like running
around. Okay, but the reason whyI'm telling you all this is a
lot of times we did not havegood guidance. A lot of times we
didn't always have people whowere, like, teaching us or
helping us or showing us. So wehad to figure out a lot of stuff
on our own. And because of that,we tended to become really like,
(06:52):
like, talk about self help. Wehad to help ourselves quite a
bit. We became vigilant, like,almost like, hyper, hyper
independent. And in some ways,that can be a really powerful
and beautiful thing, because we,like, we That's the original
fafo, right? F, A, F, O, fuckaround. Find out. We had to a
lot of times. Find out the hardway, because nobody was telling
(07:14):
us, like, Hey, you might notwant to play on the train
tracks. Like, hey, you mightwant to, might not want to drive
over there and, like, buy drugsoff that person you don't know.
Like, hey, you might not wantto, like, go do this thing. You
know what I mean. So a lot oftimes we had to find out the
hard
way. But which can be valuable,right? Like, being really
independent is a powerful thing.It is also when it leans too
(07:38):
far, goes too far, it's like atrauma response, and you start
to feel like that you cannot askfor help. Number one, because
there's nobody there to actuallyhelp you. Number two, you don't
want to when you get rewarded,that's another thing that
happens is when you don't askfor a lot of help a lot of
times, especially if you're in afamily where there's already one
(08:01):
sibling or one child who ischallenged or sick or struggling
or whatever's going on withthem, and your parents might not
have a lot in the tank leftover, like for you or for your
siblings or anybody else, right?So whatever, there's different
circumstances. It could be. Youcould have grown up in an
alcoholic household, or a drug,you know, drug use, whatever.
(08:24):
There's 1000 ways wherefamilies, right, or parents or
guardians, whoever you grew upwith, you're in foster care,
whatever. There just weren'tpeople available to, like, walk
you through some of the harderparts of things. And another
thing that also happens in a lotof families, and especially, I
know, for like, a lot of bluecollar kids and kids I grew up
with, you know, you would oftenfeel shame for needing help,
(08:49):
yeah, for if you you felt likeyou couldn't ask for help, and
to ask for help made you lookweak, made you sound weak. Now,
it's one thing if you're askingfor help, sometimes for physical
things, like, like, Hey, I gottamove. And there's like, I only
gotta, you know, I only got mylittle car, and I need help,
like, those kinds of things.It's not necessarily that,
although I have known people whowould just go rent a U haul and
(09:11):
like, you know, rather justlike, and just try to do it all
themselves, rather than ask forhelp, because a lot of times,
you know that stigma of needinghelp, especially, especially
emotionally and mentally. Youknow, it was okay to to ask
people to help you, like, move atable, move a couch, like, do
something like that, right?Because when things would be,
(09:32):
quote, unquote, physicallyimpossible, but to ask for help
because you were strugglingemotionally, to ask for help
because you were struggling, youknow, mentally, a lot of times
it was seen as a weakness. Andwhat I love about this little
passage, again, you know, in inmeditations is it's just saying,
Don't be ashamed to need helplike a soldier storming a wall.
(09:54):
You have a mission toaccomplish, and if you've been
wounded and you need a comradeto pull you up, so what? And I
really. Relate this, like, ifyou've been wounded, like, yeah,
maybe some shit went down inyour childhood. Maybe some stuff
happened to you as a youngperson, or as a young teenager,
or young, you know, human being,where you weren't given
everything that you needed. Andthat could literally be like the
(10:15):
clothes on your back, food inyour in your body. It could have
been the protection that youneeded. It could have been the
education that you needed, thesupport that you needed, you
know, there's a lot of ways thatkids fell through cracks, you
know, and still, still to thisday, I'm not just saying, like,
Oh, back then, that's how I can,you know, I always say, I tend
to talk about my ownexperiences, because that's what
(10:36):
I tend to be an expert on. Like,that's what I tend to, like,
know about. And I don't assumethat everybody has had the same
experience as me, but I think alot of us can relate, you know.
And I think that this isprevalent, not just for, you
know, blue collar kids, but alsoyou see it in different
populations, you know, where itcan be hard for men to say, to
(10:57):
admit, like, Hey, I'mstruggling, or whatever, like,
I'm having a hard timeemotionally, you know, for a lot
of for a lot of boys and men,you're not allowed, you're not
allowed to, like, cry or havethose feelings in some people's
homes coming up, you know. And Ireally was, like, thinking about
this, because this stigma of thestigma of like, asking for help
(11:21):
makes you weak, or you should beashamed. And I started thinking
about how, like, when you'reborn, right? When you're like,
born into this little body, youcannot feed yourself, you cannot
clothe yourself, you cannot,like, get around on your own.
You know, you, you, you aretotally helpless. You cannot
(11:43):
verbalize other than to cry,right? You cannot verbalize your
wants, your needs, like yoursuffering, like, I've got a wet
diet. All you can do is, like,cry, but like, you're completely
helpless. We didn't know how todo jack shit as a baby, except,
like, stick our feet in our ownmouths and like, you know, make
faces and, you know, and poop ina diaper. Like, that's what we
(12:05):
knew how to do, right? So fromthe time we were little kids, we
needed help, and we could askfor help. Like, think about it,
we didn't know how to ridebikes, we didn't know how to tie
our own shoes. We didn't knowhow to make, like, a sandwich.
Like, we didn't know how to dothings. We didn't know how to
sew or cook or do laundry ordrive a car or, like, think
(12:27):
about the gazillion things thatwe didn't know how to do when we
were little kids, when we wereyoung, when we were babies, and
how much help we needed, notonly how much help we needed,
how much help we probably got.I'm not saying they were
perfect. I'm not saying ourparents were perfect, but how
much help we kind of did. Welearned how to button a button.
(12:50):
We learned how to zip a zip up.We learned how to like, you
know, walk to school. We learnedhow to like, you know, read a
book. Not everybody, but a lotof us, you know what I mean. So
we got, like, a shit ton ofhelp. So we were also, though,
encouraged. We were oftenencouraged by teachers. Like, if
you don't know something, raiseyour hand. Let me help you,
(13:11):
right? That's a whole professionof like tudas. What do you think
tutas Are? Tutors are designedto, like, help kids who are
struggling with a particularsubject, you know? And when you
just still look around youpeople in my profession, what I
call the helping professions,right? The service professions.
We're here. I always say, ifeverybody figured everything out
(13:34):
on their own, if everybody wasdoing fantastic, like, I
wouldn't have a job, you know, Iwouldn't be teaching yoga if
everybody knew how to do it anddo it fantastically and didn't
need help. You know what I'msaying? I wouldn't be a
spiritual mentor. I wouldn't bean integrative coach. I wouldn't
be doing any of these things ifnobody needed help. And so I
(13:57):
want to, kind of like normalizethis, for us to get out of this,
this old limitation, likelimiting mindset, that that it's
weak somehow to ask for help.And I think we're kind of like,
sold this load of bullshit that,like, just because we're a
certain age, or just becausewe've gone through a certain
(14:17):
thing, we should, quote,unquote, know this already. We
should know how to do thesethings, and sometimes we just
need a little bit of help.Because, again, we have to go
back to, like, the brain, right?And how the brain functions. The
brain is always going to try toaccess, like, what's familiar.
(14:39):
It's going to want to try and,like, do things based on what
it's already experienced. Youknow, it goes it time travels.
Obviously, it likes to timetravel into the past and and
just assign meaning to, like,the Oh, I know how this cup is
going to be, I know how thischair is going to be, I know how
this trip is going to be. I knowhow this person is going to be.
(15:00):
Because I've interacted withthem before. So it's always like
looking for the familiar. It'snot really, I think it's so
fascinating how much we rely onon the brain. And a lot of times
I will say to people like, Okay,here's the deal. Your your best
thinking, like your number one,numero uno, like best thinking
(15:21):
with your current brain is whatgot you here, right into
trouble, into this suffering,into this pattern, into this
habit, into this way of beinglike your best thinking. So if
you want to do somethingdifferent or novel or new or
transformative or make changelike what got you here is not
(15:43):
going to get you there, and weneed to bring in, sometimes, new
resources, new tools, newteachers, new help is right. Who
can you know, not boss youaround and like, wag their
finger and tell you like at youand tell you like what to do,
but can certainly be a guidealong the way, you know, and
(16:05):
say, Hey, and I used to hate,like hate asking for help for a
couple of reasons. Number one, Ihad that old stigma of like to
ask for help is weak. Numbertwo, right? Part of the ego and
part of like, the pride of like,I like to do things on my own.
Look how independent I am, lookhow capable I am, right? That
(16:29):
felt good to be able to do that.Also, there's another thing that
kind of happens with a lot ofthat kind of,
you know, the upbringings that Icame from in like, trauma, and I
know other people again, doubleAmen hands, if you can relate to
what I'm about to say is thatyou don't ever want to feel like
a burden to somebody else. Youdon't want to feel like you're a
(16:52):
bother or that you're botheringsomebody else, right? That's one
of the things, and it's alsolike risking rejection, like
you're going to ask for help andsomebody's going to say no. And,
man, what that would do to likea kid like me back in the day,
like I would just feel ashamed,first of all, for having to ask
for help, and then if I allowedmyself to be vulnerable and ask
(17:13):
for help, and like, gotta know,oh my god. Like, back then, that
would have just felt like I justinside, like I just got a little
squishy, like, my hat, justlike, squeezed a little bit
thinking about, like, youngerme, like, trying to be so brave,
and, like, put down her Dukes,you know, and like, Vicky with
2k from large is being like,Okay, I'm gonna ask for help,
(17:34):
and if somebody, like, you know,wasn't nice to me about it, or
made me feel stupid for needinghelp, or I felt ashamed. Like,
why can't you figure this out?Like, how do you not already
know how to do this? Right?That's the thing again, the mass
hole thing, right? There's like,people talk about people from
Boston and people fromMassachusetts, like, they'll
(17:55):
say, we're kind, but we're notnice, meaning we're kind. We'll
help you. We'll do stuff foryou. We'll literally give you
the shirt off our back, butwe're going to bust your balls
the whole time we're doing it.We're going to make fun of you
and be sarcastic and, you know,cheap shot you, and do all that
stuff. And I'm like, Oh my god.So like, a lot of times, your
vulnerability, you know, Ialways say, when you we when we
(18:18):
would have tender places as akid, you would think that
another human being wouldrecognize that it's a tender
place, so that they would treadlightly and it's no they would
find your tender place, and theywould find, like, noogie it, you
know, like they would go for it.So there's kind of like this
built in protective measureacross the board, for a lot of
people, where they're expected,they feel like they're expected
(18:42):
to know so many things. And Iremember, you know, I remember,
like, back even, even as a mymother, like, I got, I got my
sex talk pretty young. I think Iwas, like, six years old. And so
I also learned all aboutmenstruation and girls having
their period, and, like, thewhole thing, which I totally
dreaded, like I totally dreaded.And, you know, my mother, I
(19:03):
think, taught me about, like, Iknow she did. She taught me
about, like, maxi pads andwhatever, and said, like, there
were, you know, other things,like tampons, whatever, Playtex,
Kotex, all the different brands.But she died before I ever used
a tampon. And I remember I didnot want to ask my sister to
show me how to do it. I wasn'tgoing to ask my aunt. I was
(19:26):
like, nope, right? Like, and soI had to figure it out on my
own. And I'll never forget thatwhole experience. You know, it's
like, you don't know what sizeto buy, like, you have to go to
the store and, like, get them,and you get then you get to go
and, like, figure it out, andthe string and the whole thing.
I'm sure somebody out there islaughing right now, because you
too, you too, had to figure itout on your own. But then I
(19:48):
helped other girlfriends whoalso had, who were also feral,
who were also highlyunsupervised, right? Who didn't
want to wear maxi pads like youknow, again, I'm not bagging on
any. Anybody who that was yourpreference, or whatever. Just
for me, it was not mypreference. So I apologize for
making it. But for me, it wasjust like, No. But I also had
(20:09):
to, like, help them. And one ofthe things that I try to remind
myself all the time as areminder, obviously, for my tone
of voice with other people likeI never want people to feel
ashamed for not knowing things.I want to reward curiosity and I
(20:29):
want to reward courage andvulnerability when somebody like
doesn't know how something worksor doesn't understand something,
and it's so easy to be flippant,right? I know I've done it. I
know I've been quote, unquoteguilty of this before in my
past, and I really try to bemindful these days, because I
had to reform my own thinkingabout like, it's okay that I
(20:53):
don't know how to do everything.It's okay that I might need a
like, you know, a reminder onhow to like, you know, do
something, you know, and in thisworld where everything is
becoming increasingly, like,more technical, I've just
accepted, I always say, theolder I get, the more that I
realize that, like, it justbecomes painfully aware to me,
(21:15):
like, just how much I don'tknow. So I am willing to take a
book out, or to buy a book or toread an article or to Google
something, but sometimes it justhits a point when you're like, I
need another human being to sitdown with me and to walk me
through this, to talk me throughthis, to show me how they
(21:36):
approach this thing. Preferably,I always say like, again with
Marcus Aurelius, right inmeditations. I'm like, when
smarty pants people are sayingsmarty pants things, I am smarty
pants enough to pay attentionand to listen, right? So I try
to, like, go to, you know,somebody who I feel like has
been successful in doing thisthing before me, or a friend who
(21:58):
I think is pretty smart, and I'mlike, maybe we can figure this
out together. And that's thething, like, where my work comes
in. You know, it's like, I kindof like, through my own desire
to end my own suffering, and aslong as we're human, there's
gonna be suffering, right? Imean, we cannot eradicate all
suffering, however, we cangather some tools and some
(22:19):
perspectives and some resourcesto help us as we're navigating
these things, so we're notsuffering as much. And I know
for myself along the way. Youknow, I had some teachers, and I
certainly had a shit ton ofbooks that really, really,
really helped me, but it wasthat human connection, the
intimacy of another person beingwith me and talking with me and,
(22:41):
you know, helping me to seeagain, to shift my mind, maybe
from a perspective of fear toone of love, you know, to gather
different tools. And it's why,you know, when people say to me,
like, what do you do? I'm like,Oh my gosh. Like, I do so many
things. I've gathered a lot oftools from a lot of different
traditions and a lot ofdifferent what do we even?
(23:02):
Modalities, even, because Iwanted I needed help physically,
somatically, I needed helpspiritually, right? I needed
help. You know, in mysubconscious, like reprogramming
my subconscious, I needed helpwith practical neuroscience,
right, patterns and habits andbeing able to like interrupt the
(23:22):
way that that my brain wouldlike was going down habit road
all the time, as my teacher,Melissa tears, says, right. So I
wanted to be able to help myselfmentally, emotionally,
physically and spiritually. Andthat's where, like all the
different things that I, youknow, trained in and studied and
practiced, and now also teachand share with my clients, my
(23:45):
one to one clients who, youknow, join me in the quest. And
then also my membership people,my beautiful nesties, as I call
them, my group coaching program.The nest is passing these things
down, and that's the beautifulthing is once you just admit,
like, I don't know everything,and I do need help, and let go
(24:06):
of the shame, and let go of thestory, and let go of this idea
that you now, just becauseyou're an adult, you're supposed
to know how to do everything.And this is the thing, like this
bot, I always say, like as humanbeings, right? Like moving
through the world in this body,with this brain, with our life
experiences and stuff, we'reoperating heavy machinery, and
(24:29):
like nobody gave us the manual.So why should we be surprised
that we need help, and whyshould we feel bad about it, or
talk down to ourselves or seeourselves as less than it's a
really powerful thing to ask forhelp. And my hope for you, you
know, I look at like I look butfirst of all, my hope for you is
(24:52):
that you receive good help whenyou ask for it, that nobody like
you know, makes you feel stupidbecause of it. Um. That you are
met with kindness and openness,and that your curiosity and your
desire to change, to transform,to grow, to learn, to better
yourself, right? Is met withenthusiasm and encouragement,
(25:15):
because otherwise, like youknow, if anybody's trying to
tear you down or try to make youfeel stupid because you need
help with something. Here. Theycan suck it in a bucket. You
know what I'm saying? Like them,move on. Find somebody else,
because they're not your people.Okay, so I also, you guys know,
Marita and I do a lot of dailyreading. I have like, a bunch of
what you can call them dailydevotionals. You can just call
(25:38):
them daily books, read booksthat I read on the daily that
are literally, you know, brokendown. It'll say, like, June,
whatever. June, 14, June, 16,June, whatever. May this,
whatever. Okay, so some of youmay know who Ryan Holiday is,
and Ryan Holiday, I had justread to you about meditations
(25:59):
Marcus Aurelius, right? This islike, he's known as one of like,
the Stoics and philosophers ofstoicism. And so I also read the
Daily stoic. And this is 366
meditations on wisdom,perseverance in the art of
living. And Ryan Holiday, thisis his book. He and Steven
Hanselman wrote this. But whatwas awesome is when I was
(26:22):
flipping through this andreading this, the reading for
Marcus Aurelius, 7.7 which Ishared with you earlier, came
came up right? Don't be ashamedof needing help. And I also want
to share with you something thatRyan said, because it's right in
line with what what's been on myhat, and it made me smile the
whole time I read it. He says,so he starts with the quote from
(26:44):
Marcus Aurelius, right, thestoic quote. And then he says,
no one ever said you were bornwith all the two tools you'd
need to solve every problemyou'd face in life. In fact, as
a newborn, you were practicallyhelpless. Yes, someone helped
you then, and you came tounderstand that you could ask
for help. It was how you knewyou were loved. Isn't that so
(27:05):
nice? And then he goes on tosay, well, you are still loved.
You can ask anyone for help. Youdon't have to face everything on
your own. If you need help,comrade, just ask. And I love
that, right? It's like, and thishas been the hot beat, not from
this. I mean, this was somethingI've been talking about long
(27:26):
before I read this book. Butnobody can do the work for you,
right? Whatever the thing isthat you need help with, whether
it's like, you know, getting outof your own way, or like, you
know, trying to, trying to makeyour way through. You know your
lack of self worth, your lack ofself love, the struggle that you
(27:46):
have, you know, in yourrelationships within yourself,
the spiritual struggles, themental struggles, the emotional
struggle. You know all thisstuff you know you don't have to
nobody can do that work for you,but you don't have to do it on
your own. And having somebodythat walks along beside you is a
game changer. It's a gamechanger. It has been true in my
(28:07):
life. It has been true in thelives of my clients. It's been
true in the lives of people thatI know, who I've coached, but
also other people and friendswho have that I know, who have
also had their own coaches,their own mentors, their own
teachers, their own help is, youknow what I mean. So I guess I
just kind of want to normalizethis for you, because I think
(28:29):
we've been sold a bill of goods,sometimes from our families,
sometimes from teachers, right?Sometimes from coaches,
sometimes from elders, sometimesfrom whoever your siblings,
whatever your environment, thatwe're supposed to have it all
figured out, and we're somehowstupid because we don't. And
look, I'm the person in everylecture, in every class. I'm
(28:50):
going to ask, like, a gazillionquestions, and I'm going to ask
until I understand, because Idon't. I no longer feel bad
about not knowing things orneeding help. And it has been so
freeing for me to be able tojust raise my hand and be like,
Yeah, I don't get it. Or, Hey,can you show me that again? Or
(29:11):
that pot one, like, okay, I getPat one, but like, Pat two, you
lost me. Or, can you please helpme to understand how to do this?
And look, I'm just gonna saythis because I see it, I just
see it, I just see it. I justsee it. I'm grabbing my face. If
you're not watching this, youcan probably hear it in my
(29:32):
voice. Chat, GPT is not your newcoach. Chat, GPT is not your new
spiritual mentor. It will never,ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be
able to replace the hat and theintimacy of human connection.
It's never going to be able toreplace somebody being able to
look you right in the eye as youtell your story, as you pour out
(29:53):
your soul, and as you ask forhelp, and the other person says,
I'm here. I've got you. I've gotyour back. John. That GTP can
give you all kinds ofinformation, but as my beautiful
friend Mary Ann C says,information does not heal.
Intimacy heals, and we need thathat to hat. We need that face to
(30:14):
face. We need that humanconnection. And even books like
books can be great, but let metell you something. I can read
something in a book, and thereare people who learn
fantastically from just reading,and I know like that's I learn
in different ways, as well as,like, reading, but being able to
do something alongside somebody,somebody who can really see us
(30:36):
and acknowledge our brilliance,but is also not afraid to call
us out on our bullshit, and tosay, Hey, I'm seeing a pattern
here, like, hey, what aboutthis? You know, it's not going
to be it's like, humans can't bereplaced in that way. You know,
chat GPT can't give you a hug.Chat GPT can't, like, hold your
hand while you're crying. Do youknow what I'm saying? Chat GPT
(30:57):
can't see you. It's just so takethat for what you will. I don't
think that the quality and thecaliber of that kind of
information is ever going toreplace human tenderness and
human grace. And you know,having a human mentor or a coach
(31:18):
who's gone before and knows kindof where these places are. Yeah,
information will only get you sofar, I guess, is what I'm trying
to say. So if you're somebodywho's been a little afraid to
ask for help, I hope that this,in some way, is going to give
you the courage, maybe a littlemotivation or inspiration, to
(31:39):
say, You know what? I don't haveto figure everything out on my
own. I'm not expected to knowhow everything in the world
works. You know, there's areason why all those books, how
things work like, exist, becausewe don't know, you know what I
mean, like, You're not expectedto know how to change a tie
without having ever done onebefore. You're not expected to
know how to like, like, youknow, not a tie. If you're a
young person who wants to wear,you know, or anybody who wants
(32:02):
to wear a tie, like, if nobodytaught you how to shave, if
nobody taught you, like, youknow, how to, you know, operate
a lawn mower, or whatever it is,things that might seem really
simple and basic to anotherperson if you've never been
exposed to it. How should youknow how to do it? How should
you know how to be in arelationship where there's
intimacy and deep emotional,excuse me, conversations and
(32:25):
connections, if you've never hadit before, if it was never
mirrored for you, if it wasnever if it was never played out
in front of you, if you neversaw a healthy marriage, how are
you supposed to know how to doit? If your parents all they did
was scream and yell at eachother, how are you supposed to
learn maybe it became painfulenough, and you decided I'm
never going to do that like I'mgoing to be a person who, like,
(32:46):
talks about my feelings ratherthan screams, you know, or
whatever, maybe. But we get soconditioned as young people. We
are literally being hypnotizedall the time as young people,
you know. And it gets in there,it gets in there, and sometimes
we need help and supportbreaking those patterns, and one
of those patterns and habits isbelieving that it's not okay to
(33:07):
ask for help. So let'sdestigmatize this. Let's unchain
this, and know that you know youare loved and that you are
smart, and there are people whowant to help you, and you're not
expected to know how to doeverything you know, and I try
to remind my clients of this allthe time. A lot of things were
not demonstrated to us and howto do things in a healthy way,
(33:31):
or in a way that is in a waythat is moving us in the
direction of how we actuallywant to be and how we actually
want to feel. You know, we justhave, sometimes have an old,
rusty set of tools. We need newones, and that's okay. And there
are people out there who want tohelp you, and there are people
(33:53):
out there that you can hire tohelp you, to walk along beside
you, and there's no shame withthat too. You know, sometimes we
think, Well, I have friends andI have family members. You know
that? You know I should be ableto ask them, Well, I love you.
And sometimes our friends arelike, knuckleheads, like,
sometimes they are not the ones.A lot of times, your friends are
just going to agree with you,and they're going to yes you,
(34:15):
and they're going to be like,yeah, you have every right to be
mad because he did this and shedid the it's like you need
people in your life who aregoing to stop you and say, Hey,
but yeah, it sounds like youdon't really like whoever taught
you how to forgive. Do you knowwhat I'm saying? Some of the who
taught you how to really love,who taught you how to express
(34:38):
yourself, who taught you how tohelp your nervous system to feel
more safety in the world. Thisis what I'm saying. There's so
much we don't know, and if wecan just accept it, and if we
can be willing to try somethingnew, and to say to ourselves,
there must be a better way, andthen to be open and receptive,
(34:59):
to ask your in. Teacher right toask your inner teacher, and then
maybe an outer teacher somewhereto go help guide you. It can be
life changing. It can becompletely transformative. And I
know because I'm living proof.So that's all I wanted to say
today. Little Love Letter frommy hat to yours, because I know
what it's like trying to movethrough the world trying to
(35:20):
figure it all out on your own.It's exhausting. It's
exhausting. And you know, if youcan find somebody where you feel
safe enough to kind of put downyour deuce, to lower your dukes
and to lower that shield and tobe vulnerable, it can be
absolutely life changing. So Ihope again, hope this is helpful
(35:41):
in some way, and you can alwaysfind out the ways to work with
me on my website. Karenkenney.com, I'm never shy about
it. That's where to find me.It's easy. You'll see things for
the nest and the quest and yogaand even how to use my tip, ja,
how to join my email list sothat you find out shenanigans
and what's going on. I have somecool events actually, that I'm
(36:02):
going to be doing in the nextfew months. So if you want to
find out what those are like,get on my newsletter. Just Karen
kenney.com/sign,
up. Alright, you guys. Thank youso much for tuning in. Wherever
you go, may you leave theanimals and the people and the
place in the environment, theplanet in yourself better than
(36:22):
how you first found it. Whereveryou go, may you and your love
and your presence and yourenergy and your willingness to
ask for help be a blessing. Letme also say this because it just
came to my head, and whenspiritual team s, t, o, t, J,
they hit me thing. Sometimeswhen we think we're being a
(36:45):
burden to somebody else, right?If we don't ask for help, we are
robbing the other person of anopportunity to also be your
friend, to also be helpful. Itfeels really nice when you're
able to help another person, andif we never ask for help, and if
we insist on doing everything onour own, and if we don't allow
(37:08):
other people to help us, wesometimes Rob other people of
being able to also have thatreally satisfactory feeling of
knowing that they did a kindthing or that they you know What
I'm saying. So okay, just had tosay that before I go. Okay, bye.
Have a great rest of your night,your day, your week. Okay, much
(37:28):
love you.
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