June 5, 2025 • 49 mins
On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I dive deep into what makes relationships and other things truly "built to last."
Starting with a story about my trusty 25-year-old vacuum cleaner that's still going strong, I share how in our fast-paced world of disposable everything, we've lost the art of investing in quality products and connections that stand the test of time.
I break down some of the key ingredients for lasting relationships, which I call the "C's": consistent effort, clear communication, connection, compromise, and constructive conflict resolution.
Think of it like a relationship recipe - you need trust, mutual respect, reliability, appreciation, and the willingness to grow together.
No relationship is perfect, but the magic happens when both people are committed to showing up and doing the work.
Emotional intelligence is for sure a wicked big game-changer.
I also talk about how we need to be willing to be vulnerable, truly listen to each other, and do our best to have empathy.
This means creating space for all emotions, not just the comfortable ones.
Whether it's with a partner, friend, or family member, relationships thrive when we're willing to see and hear each other authentically.
The bottom line?
Love is the foundation, but love isn't just words - it's also your actions.
It's about being willing to sometimes compromise, consider forgiving the small stuff, and to continuously invest in individual and shared growth.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever, but when both people are committed to loving each other and themselves, magic can happen!
Remember, we want the foundation of our personal and professional relationships to be constructed on rock, not sand - so it behooves us to show up as solid, steady, and intentionally built to last.
KK’S KEY TAKEAWAYS:
• Invest in quality products and relationships that stand the test of time.
• Consistent effort and clear communication are crucial for lasting connections.
• Trust, mutual respect, and reliability form the foundation of strong relationships.
• Practice emotional intelligence by being vulnerable and truly listening to others.
• Appreciate your partner and express gratitude for their everyday actions.
• Commit to both individual goals and shared growth in your relationships.
• Compromise and consider forgiving the small things that don't truly matter.
• Love is more than just saying the words - it's also about congruent actions.
• Not all relationships are meant to last.
• Prioritize connection, empathy, and continuous personal development in your partnerships.
• The Nest - Group Mentoring Program
BIO:
Karen Kenney is a certified Spiritual Mentor, Writer, Integrative Change Worker, Coach and Hypnotist. She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent, and her no-BS, down-to-earth approach to Spirituality and transformational work.
KK is a wicked curious human being, a life-long learner, and has been an entrepreneur for over 20 years! She’s also a yoga teacher of 24+ years, a Certified Gateless Writing Instructor, and an author, speaker, retreat leader, and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.
She coaches both the conscious + unconscious mind using practical Neuroscience, Subconscious Reprogramming,...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Karen Kenney (00:00):
It's the Karen Kenney show. Hi. Welcome to the
Karen Kenney show. I'm superduper happy to be here with you
today. Oh, my God, you guys. Igot a good dose of sunshine
today. I was out walking myfurry kids. That's where I just
came from. Nothing like movingyour body a little bit, getting
(00:22):
a little blast of vitamin D andspending time with animals, you
know. So I'm feeling, I'mfeeling the after effects that
of that whole excursion. Andtoday I want to talk to you
about something that's just beenon my mind, you know. So you
like me, might have some dailyor weekly habits or whatever,
(00:44):
right? So on Saturday mornings Iwake up, my sweetie always kind
of laughs because, you know, hegets up, he just kind of takes
his time. He takes the dogs out.He like, feeds all the furry
kids, you know, he does all thisstuff and and then he usually,
like, grabs an instrument, andhe's like, on the couch, right?
I get up on Saturday morningsand I'm like, let's go. Like, I
(01:06):
get right into action, and it'slike, cleaning this vacuuming
that projects this, right? Like,I just wake up and, like, hit
the ground running. I think I'vekind of always been that way. I
don't drink coffee, so I'm notsomebody who needs, like,
caffeine to, like, get going. Ithink I just kind of wake up a
little, like, just, I alwayssay, Man, any day that I am
(01:28):
above ground, know that oldsaying something, I just kind of
wake up. I do a little DSP, mylittle daily spiritual practice,
and then I'm like, let's go. Igot got it my back. I got shit
to do. Let's make it happen, youknow. So the reason why I'm
telling you all that is that Ialways like part of cleaning is
(01:50):
that I vacuum. Now I have thisvacuum. It's all gonna come
together in a minute. Stay withme. I have this vacuum. It's an
auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, Ithink I've had this vacuum for
like, almost 25 years, if notmore. I might have had it longer
(02:10):
than 25 years. I was justlooking to see if I could find,
like, the original receipt andlike where I got it from. I have
the original like paperwork forit, meaning, like the manual.
But I don't have, I don't knowif I have the receipt, it might
have even come with me fromCalifornia. Like, that's how
long I've had this thing. Buthere's the thing about this
(02:31):
vacuum. Back in the day, when Ifirst got out of college, I went
to Boston University. I went toBU when I graduated, I had to
get a job right away. It's awhole, much longer story, but I
was the concierge at the HyattRegency in Cambridge. If you've
ever been to Boston and you'vedriven on steroid drive and
looked across the river, you'veseen the building it looks like,
(02:52):
like a step pyramid, almost,right? That was one of the best
gigs. I had so much fun. I gotsome stories. Look, read my
memoir when that thing comesout, I got some stories, but I
had so much fun with mycoworkers at that gig. There was
also a couple of unfortunateincidents, but it's also it was
(03:13):
a really great gig, and I becamevery friendly with some of the
housekeeping staff. I was theconcierge, so I was like, at the
front desk, like, dealing withthe people and stuff. But, you
know, I had a lock up, like,just where, like, all the
housekeepers and stuff did, andI became really friendly with
them. I also worked part time upin the gym at the Hyatt Regency
(03:34):
as well, and that was reallyfun, because there was a pool up
there and a rooftop deck forsunbathing. It was like, a
blast. Okay, anyways, we'reback. I was just like
daydreaming a little bit aboutthat. But the housekeepers
always had these high end,incredible vacuum cleaners. They
were, like, upright ones, like,so not one like you pulled
(03:54):
around behind you, right? Sothey were upright, and they had
this feature where you couldpractically lay them like so
there was a hinge, right? Sothere's the head of the vacuum
ran. It's like the thing, right?It's like the thing that spins
and the brush that pulls all thedirt back into the suction spot,
right? But the bag itself, likehad a handle, and you could
(04:16):
literally lay that sucker flatso you could get underneath the
furniture, in the beds, even ifthey were low to the ground. And
I always said to myself,someday, I'm gonna get myself
one of those fancy schmancyvacuums. Okay, so the day came
when I could afford to get one.Now, those suckers weren't
(04:37):
cheap. I think at the time whenI bought it, maybe it was like
200 bucks, I don't remember, butI remember thinking to myself, I
did my research, right? And Iwas like, I'm gonna get a good
vacuum. I got this vacuum, youguys. It is still running
fantastically to this day. Now,of course, I changed the bags,
(04:58):
right? I have had. There's, likea local, I think it's in
Manchester. There's an orcvacuum cleaner specialist
people, and I've brought itthere twice, once to replace the
wheels, once to replace thebelt. But, like, this sucker is
built to last, okay? And I havea few things in my life that are
(05:21):
made that way. I refrigerate. Iwas just saying My sweetie the
other day. We have almost livedin this house, let's see. It'll
be almost 19 years, and we gotthat fridge like when we moved
in, and I said to my sweetiejust the other day, and I know
some people freak out. They'relike, don't say it, don't jinx
(05:41):
it. But like, and I'll knock onwood for good measure. But I
open that the doors up the otherday, and I'm like, Look, my
fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't,you know, it's like a split it
opens up. One side is a freezer.One size the fridge, it doesn't
make ice cubes. I don't need itto. I don't want a fridge that
makes ice cubes. I don't likethe way ice cubes taste from the
fridge, right? I mean, like, youknow when the cycle thing? I
(06:03):
don't need the fridge to, like,do like, to know my schedule, or
to have social media with allthe screens, like, I don't know
what's going on with all thatnew shit that they're building.
But this fridge, I've had it foralmost 20 years, and it's still
running like a champion built tolast. Okay, my car, my car. I'm
(06:24):
still driving like a 2010Toyota, rav4, I've only ever
owned Toyotas. I've had fourToyotas. That's all I've ever
owned. People American made,like Ford, GMC, like Bucha.
Don't come for me, okay? I'm aloyal Toyota person, right? My
(06:45):
my Toyotas have gone forhundreds and 1000s of miles. My
forerunner, before I gave itlike I traded it like I sold it
to somebody, was like, at250,000 miles. My current one,
my rav4 is at like, 168 orsomething like that, built to
last. Okay, there's a reason whyI'm talking about this.
(07:06):
Hopefully you have some goodthings in your life that are
also built to last. We havebecome a fast a fast society, a
fast culture, right? We wantfast food. Well, I don't want
fast food. I mean, once in awhile, right? Once in a while,
if you're out and you want asnack, maybe, but like, you
(07:29):
know, but even then I'm eatingvegan fast food, but like, fast
food, fast fashion, fastfriendships, fast I can't say
that F word, right? All thedating apps, fast effing you
know what I'm saying? Everybodyjust wants the like, let's go.
Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.
(07:49):
I don't know. I'm a Generation Xkid. I kind of like to buy
things and invest in things thatare going to stand the test of
time, and that is just not theway that most of the world is
working these days. So for me,when I think about like, if we
(08:13):
want to stand out, and whetherthat's in our personal
relationships or in our businessand our business relationships,
we want to kind of come fromthat place where we are building
things that last. And I oftentalk to, you know, like my my
mentoring clients, the one toone clients, but also the people
(08:33):
in the nest. And I say to them,you guys, all the stuff that I'm
sharing here, anything that Ishare or teach or a resource or
whatever. What I'm trying to dois to pass on skills that are
going to last you for the restof your life. This is not like a
quick, you know, get well, Idon't teach on I was gonna say
(08:56):
get rich quick scheme like, butthat's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm
really trying to help peoplegather resources, tools,
practices, things that are goingto change their life in the now,
but also continue to beapplicable, relatable, tangible,
practical, usable for the restof their lives. I like to create
(09:17):
and build shit that's going tolast, and I want you to just
think about this, because one ofthe most important things like
that that we want to build tolast is our friendships, is our
relationships, and again,whether those are personal or
professional. So I wanted tohave a talk with you while this
(09:38):
has been on my mind, becausewhen I was out on the walk
today, I was thinking aboutlike, you know, what are the
things in our life that wereally want to have, like, be
built to last for for them tostand the test of time? Like,
what are some of the qualitiesthat we need in our friendships,
in our relationships? Because,unless you're building a.
(10:00):
Program, like a product, like aphysical product, right? Like,
that's a whole other thing. Ican't really talk about that in
terms of, like, just use goodquality materials. You know
what? I mean? Like everything,and we look at, and I'm going
off on a slight tangent here fora second. But when you look at
the state of the environment inthe world, and how much trash,
(10:20):
how much stuff, how much shit,gets thrown into our landfills.
We are poisoning the oceans. Weare poisoning the land. Because
everybody just wants shit fastand cheap, and they don't care
how they get it. They don't wearcare how it's getting to you.
They don't care what they'redoing, it with it, when, when
it's done, you know? And thereare times like here where we
(10:41):
live, we have to take our trash,our own trash, to the dump. And,
you know, my sweetie and I, wetry to be really mindful. Of
course, we recycle, but everytime we I have to put, like a
trash bag, like a full trashbag, into the trash cans
outside. You know they'regetting ready to eventually, on
trash day, we take him to thedump. Like, it pains me. It
(11:03):
pains me. And I like, I'm like,we're just like, two people and
some furry kids. Like, I can'teven imagine with big families
with children and disposablediapers and on and on and on. I
just think like, oh my god.Like, the amount of trash. Oh,
I'm like, pulling at my face, ifyou're not watching this right
(11:25):
now. So here's my whole point. Iwould rather buy something Well,
for a decent for a good price,like really invest in something
and keep it out of the landfill,because that sucker continues to
run. And I think that analogycan be applied to our
relationships, and that's what Iwant to talk about. Of course,
(11:45):
I'm always interested in hearingfrom people. So if you got any
good stories about, like, mygrandfather had this one saw
like, I think about my uncle,who has all these tools, and
he's had these tools for like,over 3040, years. You know what
I mean as a carpenter. And Ijust think it's really cool. I
think about the instruments,like, musicians like my sweetie,
where these instruments thatwere, like, built to last, like,
(12:08):
there's a reason why, like, a 65like fender, you know, amp is
like, that's the one, right, thefender, reverb, or whatever.
There's a reason why that gold,that Les Paul gold top, is
worth, like, $250,000 whatever,you know. So things are built to
last, things that stick aroundfor a long time. And I'm
guessing that most of us, if weare in relationships, we want
(12:31):
those friendships, we want thosefamilial relationships or
business relationships orwhatever, to last a long time.
So let's talk about this, right?Let's talk about this. So this
could be a friendship, thiscould be a marriage. This could
be a relationship between youand your customers, you and your
clients, whatever it is. So, butwe can speak, you know, because
(12:56):
I think all of these things, Imean, not all of them, not the
one where, you know, when we'retalking about necessarily like
intimacy, if we're talkingphysical intimacy like you
don't, you don't want to behaving that, necessarily, with
your clients, unless maybeyou're, you know, a sex worker.
But let's look at some of thethings I wrote. I wrote a list
of myself of some of the things,and I'm sharing these because I
(13:19):
think I work with enough people,right? I work with enough
people, and I just know enoughpeople to know that there are a
lot of people who are maybe notthat happy in their current
relationships or the state oftheir relationships, and there's
some things that they wish thatcould be maybe different or
better or more deep, orwhatever. And I think it's good
(13:41):
once in a while. You know, II've often told you guys before
on the podcast, when, when it'smy sweetie and I's anniversary,
we always say to each other, doyou want to renew the contract?
Right? So each year we say, Doyou want to renew the contract?
And then we ask each other, andI posted about this publicly,
and he knows, and he's fine withit. And then I also my sweetie,
(14:01):
and then I all we also say, Arethere any amendments that you
want to make to the contract,you know that fine print, right?
Are there any things like,anything you want to change,
anything you want to update,anything you want to add, like
whatever, you know, and I thinkit's important that we check in
with each other, but here's someC's for you. These c's are kind
of important, right? So we wantthis consistency. We want
(14:23):
consistency of effort in ourrelationships, meaning we don't
want people who just kind oflike, you know, give up, drag
ass, roll their eyes, don'tparticipate, check out, right?
That's a C. We don't want peoplechecking out. What we do want is
checking in. Okay? We want to beable to be checking in with one
(14:43):
another. Okay. We want thatconsistent effort, like meaning
that, showing that thisrelationship actually matters to
you, that you're putting alittle energy and a little
effort towards this sucker,right, that you're not again,
just like taking everybodyaround. You for granted, like
they're always going to bethere. Okay, so this consistent
(15:05):
effort, we also want clearcommunication. Oh, my God, so
often, especially if you've beenfriends with somebody for a long
time, or you've been a siblingfor a long time, or you've been
married or a patented orwhatever, right? We have a
tendency to just want otherpeople to be mind readers. We
just think like, well, they knowme. They should know this. Oh,
(15:27):
those shoulds will bite you inthe ass every time, right? So
clear communication, open andhonest. Don't expect people to
know like the you have thisexpectation. I always, I always
say expectations of premeditatedresentments, right? So just
don't just just clearcommunication if you want
something, say it. If you don'twant something, say it, you want
(15:51):
more or less of something,communicate it. And I find it so
fascinating you know that thepeople that you have chosen to
partner with and say, like, hey,let's get on the same team here,
right? Like, let's be apartnership. Let's get whether
you're hitched or married orliving together or sleeping
together for 20 years, sharing ahot whatever the deal is. You
(16:14):
know, I'm like, people say,Well, I can't talk to them about
that. I'm like, wait a minute.You've been sharing a bed with
this person for 20 years, you'veseen each other like naked, at
your best, at your worst, sick,healthy, you like you've been
through the gamut together. Andyet we do this thing where we're
like, they can't handle thetruth, or we write these stories
(16:38):
about people and on top of,like, doing that whole
expectation, like, they shouldknow this already or whatever,
we also withhold reallyimportant information. And I'm
like, wait, what? What part ofclear communication, like, did
you miss on this whole thing?Right? So there's this thing
about being able to, you know,have that connection, that
(17:02):
comfortable connection, whereyou can be human in front of
that other person. You know,it's so interesting. Like, I
know people who have been like,Oh, I've never, like, farted in
front of my partner. I've neverlike, you know, I'm always like,
no, like, private bathroom.Like, you know, you can't come
in while I'm peeing, like,whatever. And look, every
household has their own thing. Iget it, but I'm thinking to
(17:25):
myself, if you're sharing a homeor a house with somebody for a
wicked long time, inevitably,all the stuff that the body does
is gonna it's gonna be exposed,right? You know what I'm saying?
So this is idea of like, Howcomfortable are you creating
comfort around each other, wherethere's space for you to be who
you really are, like it doesn'thave to be a performance. You
(17:47):
don't have to be perfect. Youget to have your, you know, your
shared humanity, okay? Speakingof sharing, we also want another
C, this shared commitment,right? A commitment to the
relationship, and also acommitment to growth that it's
not just gonna get like, oh, youknow, it's interesting. An older
(18:11):
gentleman once said to me, Ithought this was really
interesting. I am not sayingacross the board that this is
100% true. I'm just sharing whatthis gentleman said to me, and
it made me think about it, andI've thought about it many times
over the years. He says Menoften get married, right? And
again, this, this could be same,these different in same sex
couples,
(18:32):
but he said men tend to getmarried and they say, Oh, I hope
she never changes. You know,like they meet their high school
sweetheart, whatever, andthey're like, Oh, this is the
girl from me, and I hope shenever changes. Where a lot of
times women will marry men, andthey think that's okay. He'll
change once he's with me. Yeah,he's got that annoying habit, or
he's not, he's not thattalkative. He doesn't talk about
(18:54):
his feelings that much, buthe'll change once he's with me.
And I thought, Oh, interesting.So I'm not going to tell you how
to feel about that, but I liketo just share these things, and
maybe you can think on it, thinkon it, and then tell me what you
think about that. Okay, so theother C, we also want
connection, which means we gottaspend some time together, right?
(19:16):
We gotta communicate, clearly,communicate your wants, your
needs, the desires, and thenconnect, spend some time
together. It's so important,right? If you're always just off
doing your own thing all thetime, and you never have that
field where you cross, wherethere's that moment of like,
where you're actually interestedin what the other person is up
(19:40):
to right those little check insat the end of the day, you know,
before after you put the kids tobed, or before you go to sleep
or whatever. Like, you know,just like check in with each
other throughout the day once ina while, not saying you have to
constantly be texting each otherand calling each other or
whatever, you know, that's notfor everybody, but at least.
Have that moment where you feellike you've kind of plugged in,
(20:03):
and you've connected a littlebit, okay, be willing. Here's
another big C like you got to bewilling to compromise. You've
got to be willing to compromise,right? It's not always going to
be your way of the highway, andit's a really beautiful and
humbling thing. Now, I'm notsaying you should compromise on
wicked, important values thatyou hold. Like, I'm not saying
(20:25):
you should give up your ownidentity and, you know, and and
all of a sudden, like, you know,whatever. Like, I'm not saying
that, but compromise on thethings that don't really matter.
Like, just Jesus, if they wantto watch a particular movie.
Just watch it, and likewise,like vice versa, right? This is
(20:45):
true for all family members,too, by the way, all of these, I
think, and then, oh my god,here's another one,
constructive, constructive,conflict resolution, fight fair,
if you're going to fight, like,if you're going to discuss, if
you're going to bring up asensitive subject, let's not
(21:07):
resort to name calling. I havejust been like, that was one of
the things that my sweetie andI, you know, I've been in many
relationships where I have beencalled some names. I have
probably done my own fair shareof name calling myself, or
certainly I might not have donename calling so much. Mine would
(21:32):
be more to like, maybe raise myvoice and swear and get angry.
But I don't know. I don'tremember. I'm sure somebody out
there is rolling there, somebodyelse that could be rolling their
eyes right now and being like,really, I seem to remember, and
maybe I don't remember beingnecessarily a super big name
call us so much as but I woulddefinitely be like, Buck you, or
(21:55):
like, whatever, right? So when Igot together with my speedy, I
was like, yeah, no, I don't wantto do this the way that I've
done other things. Like, Ireally want to be committed to,
like, basically, and we'll getinto what I'm about to say,
like, for these next things, butlet's, let's go over these,
right? So, so far, consistenteffort, clear communication,
(22:15):
right? We want open and honestcommunication. We want to be
able to really, you know, beseen and be heard in our
relationships. And so we'vegotta, we've gotta be willing to
be vulnerable in thatcommunication and open up and
talk about our feelings, etc.Okay, we want to have a shared
commitment to the relationshipand a shared commitment to
(22:37):
growth that you're both on apath of wanting to evolve,
right? Not keep each other in abox of like when we got married,
this is who you were. Well, whenwe set it up, this is who you
were. It's like Jesus. We wantto evolve, don't we, don't we
want to grow and keep getting toknow ourselves and know each
other and remember who we trulyare. Okay. We want to have
(22:59):
connection. We want to be ableto compromise and we want to
have constructive, constructiveconflict resolution. But what is
some of the other things thatmake things be more built to
last right, to stand the test oftime, to evolve and grow over
the years? And I want to say, Iwant to hit pause for to put in
(23:22):
a little caveat here. I'm not aperson right, who believes like
I wasn't necessarily hell benton getting married in this
lifetime. It happened to happen.It happened later in my like it
happened in my 40s. You knowwhat I mean. But, and while I
believe that a union like ofmarriage can be a beautiful and
(23:44):
powerful thing. I don't alwaysthink it's necessary, and I also
don't think that people shouldjust stayed married forever,
especially if they're bothmiserable, and they're making
everybody else around themmiserable, including their
children, by staying in amarriage when they clearly don't
want to be around one anothereach anymore, you know what I
mean. So I'm not talking aboutbuilding it to last and just
(24:06):
sucking it up and stuffing itdown and staying with somebody
who's verbally, emotionally,mentally, physically, sexually
abusive. I do not believe inthat, you know. So I just want
to say that there's a reason whyI don't think that everybody
should just run and get adivorce as soon as things are
had. I think there's a reasonwhy there's counselors and
couple therapy and people youcan talk to and working some
(24:27):
shit out. And I've also beenaround long enough to see that
when people get peopleexperience unhappiness or
whatever in a relationship, wecan be pretty quick to think
it's the other person thatthey're the problem, when really
that's when we need to take alook in the mirror. Take a look
in the soul mirror, as I say,and get honest. Get honest with
(24:49):
yourself about take a fearlessmoral inventory, as they say in
12 step programs, right? Take alook at yourself and a lot of
times our own dissatisfied.Action of self, with who we are,
what we're doing or not doing,whatever we can. Take that kind
of malaise, that general likeand we blame it on other people.
(25:12):
I'm not saying your partnerisn't part of the problem, but a
lot of times, Hello, I'm theproblem. It's me as as what is
it? Taylor Swift, that that'sher song. Okay, so here are some
of the other things, right? Sojust to wrap that up in a little
bow, I don't think you shouldstay in something that you're
miserable in. So I'm not sayingthat all relationships should be
built to last. I think somepeople are going to come in and
(25:34):
out of our lives for differentreasons, different seasons, etc.
Okay, here's some other things,and I'm kind of sharing these is
like a little checklist for you.If you are somebody who's in a
relationship, or if you'resomebody who wants to get into a
relationship, here are somethings you might want to be
aware of. And I'm not a, I'm nota hashtag relationship, you
(25:56):
know, therapist, or anythinglike that, but I'm in the
business of people, and I'vebeen in enough relationships,
right to know that these aresome things that help, like
human behavior, these are somethings that are going to help.
Is there trust? Do you trustyour your friend? Do you trust
your sibling? Do you trust yourfamily members? Do you trust
(26:18):
your partner, the person thatyou live with that you share
your life with, you know what Imean? That's kind of important.
Without trust, how are you goingto you're always going to be
holding your cards close to yourchest. You're going to have your
dukes up. You're not going to bewilling to be vulnerable if
there's no trust, you're notgoing to be willing to be
honest, to be seen, if there'sno trust to share yourself,
(26:40):
right to open yourself up,emotionally, mentally,
spiritually, physically, ifthere's no trust, it's not going
to happen. Is there mutualrespect? This is such a big one.
You know, I'm just notinterested in being in
relationships with people whodon't have, like, basic respect
for me. You know what I mean, ifyou don't like me, if you don't
(27:01):
want me around, if you think I'man idiot, if you just have no
interest in being like, kind tome. Like, I don't, I don't know.
I'm all sad. Like, take itsomewhere else, right? I'm like,
I'm almost 57 I only got so manysummers left, so many years
left. I want to be around peoplethat want to be around me, and
I'm going to talk to me like,I'm a fucking asshole. You know
what I'm saying? So, like, yeah,no. Like, not interested in
(27:24):
being around the jerks, notsaying I cannot work on
relationships with difficultpeople. I don't think we should
just run away from everybodythat we find a little
challenging, right? There'ssomething, there's something
like, there's some goodspiritual like, I'm, like,
kneading my hands, like I'mmaking bread, like I'm kneading
dough, right? This there can besomething good about spending
(27:47):
time sometimes. Now I'm nottalking about people who harm
you or distress you. I'm justsaying, like, we don't always
have to agree with everybody allthe time in order to have a
relationship with them. Okay? Sotrust, mutual respect,
reliability. Don't we all wantto have, like, first of all, be
(28:07):
a person that's reliable, butalso have other people that
we're in close relationship toto have that kind of
reliability. Oh, my God, whenpeople are responsible, man,
does that just take my nervoussystem, like right down to a
much more regulated place when Idon't have to do mental
gymnastics, worrying andwondering, are they going to
(28:29):
keep their word, and even ifthey break their word, it's
probably going to be for areason that they couldn't avoid.
Like reliability, to me, is likesexy people who show up, people
who are there for you, peoplewho keep their word, people who
don't just say they're a friend.I'm doing air quotes, they
actually act like a friend. Theyshow up like a friend. You know
(28:50):
what I'm saying. So yeah, that'sgood. Here's another thing, time
together. Spending time togetheris really important. I know a
lot of people do like longdistance relationships, I find
that most people don't do themwell, right? They don't usually
survive. So time together, andsometimes that time together for
(29:13):
periods of time of travel orwhatever. It might have to be
over zoom or FaceTime orwhatever. But finding that time
to have connection and intimacyand to connect is really
important.
Appreciation and gratitude. Thisis another way that you build
especially in businessrelationships too. If your
(29:34):
clients feel like you reallyappreciate them, this is how you
can build that loyalty inrelationships is that you're
somebody who has their trust,has their respect. You are
reliable, that they've spentsome time with you, getting to
know your business, your brand,whatever, and that they know
that there's like that mutualappreciation and gratitude,
(29:57):
those things can get out ofbalance. You know, there can be
time. Times when you feel like,taken for granted, and you're
like, there's not really a lotof appreciation and gratitude
happening right now and granted.There's going to be seasons,
right? There's going to be timesin each person's life where
maybe somebody's grieving, orsomebody just had a baby, or
somebody just is going through athing right there. They're
having some, you know, they'redealing with their mental
(30:19):
health, whatever, like, noteverybody's gonna be on point
100% of the time, but most ofthe time, right? If we can be
expressing not just like keepingit in your head, right? Express
your gratitude. Send a card.Send a thank you note. Call them
on the phone, let them hear yourvoice, right? Send something
(30:40):
snail mail like surprise them.Appreciation and gratitude, man,
goes a really long way. Saythank you. Say you're welcome.
Notice the everyday littlethings and comment on it. Hey, I
noticed that you brought thetrash bins back in blah, blah,
blah from the end of thedriveway, right? Hey, thank you
for feeding the kids. I alwayssaid I get up in the morning say
(31:01):
to my sweetie, thanks for doingthe dishes. Doing the dishes,
thanks for doing this right.Because I want him to know that
I see what he does. And samething for here, he'll say to me,
thanks for going groceryshopping, thanks for doing this
right. Because I don't ever wanthim to feel taken for granted,
and I certainly don't likefeeling that way either. So I'm
this is just like, again, thisis just my list. And look, I
(31:23):
could put probably another 25things on this list, but let's
not, let's not do overkill. Weonly have so much time. Here's
another thing that's reallyimportant. If you want to build
shit that lasts, we got to havesome self awareness, man. We've
got to have some emotionalawareness, and we need to have
some emotional intelligence, andwe really need to have some
(31:43):
empathy for one another. If youdon't know what you're feeling,
and you don't know how toexpress your feelings, and you
have no idea if you are justlike, shut off emotionally. This
is one of the biggest thingsthat I hear. You know, women
complain about with their malepartners is that you know he
doesn't even know how he feels.He's not in touch with his
(32:05):
emotions. But here's the flipside of that, too, ladies,
women, people, if you wantsomebody to have their feelings,
and they're allowed to have allof their feelings so you can't,
then shame men for crying. Ithink this is such a fascinating
thing about the differencebetween how women are raised, or
girls are raised and boys areraised, or children are raised
in our culture, where we doeverything, like pink, blue,
(32:28):
like we try to separate, I'mlike humans, humans, humans,
humans, which means feelings,feelings, which means it's not
like women only got feelings andmen Didn't emotions. The
chemical cocktails in our brainexists in both our brains. I'm
not saying things might not beslightly different. Men are just
(32:49):
as sensitive. Most men are justas sensitive and feel as deeply.
They just either got it yelledout of them, beat out of them,
shamed out of them, blamed outwhen they were kids. So women
don't get weird around like, letyour man be human. Let him have
you know, have empathy for thefull spectrum of the rainbow of
(33:09):
human emotions, right? Like allparts of you are welcome here.
Okay, not that, not the abusivepots. We're not fans of that
pot. But you know what I'msaying? Okay, have your own
emotional awareness. Have someempathy from one another. Okay?
Oh, my God. Individual growth,so important, so important.
Please. Don't like get togetherin 1970 and then nobody. Read a
(33:34):
book, for the love of JesusChrist, read some books. Read
some books. Read them together.Take some classes. Take a
course. Expand your mind. Get anew hobby, like Grow. Grow.
Don't become a stagnant pool,like, where mosquitoes and all
the bugs gather. You know whatI'm saying? Like, no, like,
(33:55):
expand. I'm doing this thing,like, from my hat, like my hat,
like a big circle. Like, expand.Big circle. Expand yourself.
Open your mind. Keep your mindopen. Keep your heart open, keep
your ears open. Right, whichleads me to this right is open
(34:16):
eyes open hot. Open mind open,which is we want to be really
good listeners. Pay attention.Pay attention. Paying attention
is one of the greatest ways thatwe show love. I am interested in
what you have to say, and it'sthere's a difference between
(34:37):
really listening and reallyhearing. You know what I mean?
Like, not just like, Oh, I hearthe words coming out of your
mouth, but I'm not payingattention, right? Put down on
your damn phone. If you'resweetie or your partner or your
kid or somebody that matters toyou is trying to talk to you,
take a moment. Flip that suckerdown. Pay attention. Here's
another thing that I dosometimes, right? We're all. All
(35:00):
in the habit of it. Somebody'sin the other room. You can't see
them. You just walk in andyou're already talking, and you
go in and you see they're doingsomething, right? So we all do
it to each other. So my sweetieand I have often said, you know,
to each other, just give me aminute, like, if I'm mid
thought, or mid if I'm writingsome I don't want to forget what
I was doing. And I'll just sayto him, I mean, obviously, if
(35:20):
it's an emergency, I'll put myphone down, but sometimes I'll
just say, just give me onesecond, because I want to be
able to give you my fullattention. I don't want to half
ass it. Now, look, we're notperfect. We don't always get it
right. I'm deaf as a haddock. Ican't hear him most of the time,
right, so he speaks. His histone of voice is just like,
(35:42):
like, really, sometimes hard formy ears to catch. He and I have
talked about this, like, adnauseam, right? He's like, I say
patience of a saint when itcomes to repeating himself
around me. But it just showslike, like, really try to listen
and be present, right? Like, payattention. So, like, shut your
mouth. That's why I waslaughing. I was like, open ears,
(36:03):
open heart, open mind, right?But shut your mouth once in a
while, and really listen to yourpartner. This can be wicked
helpful in starting to helpbuild things that last. Because,
you know, women will often sayhe doesn't hear me, he doesn't
get me. It's another way ofsaying he doesn't get me,
doesn't understand me, right?And we want to be heard, all of
(36:26):
us do? We want to be heard. Wewant to know that we matter
again. That goes back toappreciation and gratitude, like
let people know I see you, I getyou, I understand you, I feel
you, or even if I don't, becauseI haven't been in that exact
position. I wish I did. I wish Icould, but I'm still here for
you. You know what I'm saying?Okay, individual growth, yes,
(36:50):
but shared goal, like, sharedgoals, you got to know you're on
the same team. If one of you islike, no, I really want to save
because I want to pay off themortgage earlier, like, get this
thing paid off, and the otherone's like, Copacabana, let's go
drink and booze and potty andtravel and save nothing, right?
It's like, that is not gonnawork. You guys gotta have some
(37:12):
shared goals, yo. You know whatI'm saying. And definitely some
check ins. I already said this aconnection. You want to do these
check ins. But here's a littletip. Here's a little something
I've learned over the years.Okay, everybody's different. My
sweetie and I can sit down andtalk ad nauseum with each other
over the kitchen table aboutthings, right? But not everybody
(37:35):
can, so some people do betterexpressing what's going on
inside of them by being inmotion. For some people that's
taking a drive, for some peoplethat's taking a walk, right? Get
to know what works for yourPatna, some people like to be in
(37:56):
motion. It does something to thebrain, right? It helps them to
do. We already know that walkinghelps with creativity, creative
thinking, blah, blah. But youknow, don't always insist that
the important conversations,like I know so many parents who
say to me,
I talk to my kid when he's inthe car with me, when he's
(38:17):
trapped, like on the way toschool, or like taking them
clothes shop or whatever thething they like, trap their kids
in the car and try to forcetheir kids to talk to I think
it's so funny. Oh my god, so Butfind out. Find out when you and
your sweetie, you and yourpartner, you and your bestie,
you and your family members,right, do their best connecting
(38:38):
and talking and don't alwaysassist like somebody might be
like, Can we take a walk in thewoods, or can we blah, blah,
blah, whatever the thing isright, and see what works for
them. And like I said, I couldgo on and on and on and on, but
it was really just looking atthese items, these things that I
had right, my fridge, my car, myvacuum. And I was like, Man,
(39:00):
these suckers are built to last.And then I started to think, is
there anything else in our liferight now that's really built to
last? I'm like, so much is likeagain, fast fashion, fast food,
fast fast communication, fasteverything. Everything is just
like, move, move, move. I said,Yeah, you know what? Like
relationships can be reallybuilt to last, if we're willing
(39:22):
to pour into them, if we'rewilling to slow down and take a
look at these things, right? Soask yourself just kind of go
through this. Have I beenshowing consistent effort in my
relationship? Have I beencommuting, communicating clearly
with my clients, with mycustomers, with my sweet hat,
with my best friend, whoeverwith my siblings, right, my
(39:43):
parents or whatever your thingis, right? Is there a shared
commitment here? Are we bothstill committed to making this
relationship, whatever kind ofrelationship it is, work, right?
Are we committed to growingtogether? Side by side on the
same team, right? Are we stillputting an effort to stay
(40:05):
connected, right? Are we willingto compromise? Do we know how to
constructively have conflict,right, without like flinging
like names at each other andbeing unkind and then doing the
silent treatment, or somebodyslamming the door and walking
out. Do you know how manyadults, I always think of it
like this, adult children,because so many adults, we're
(40:28):
really just little kids in bigbodies. So many adults have
abandonment issues. So let mesay this, if you are somebody
who insists on being a doorSlammer in a leva when you're
fighting with somebody. Do youknow what would like really be
helpful is if you, first of alllearned maybe a better way than
(40:51):
that. But also, if you are goingto leave like you just need to
go outside and take a walk soyou don't say something you're
gonna regret. Tell your partner,I'm going to go outside. I just
need to get some fresh air. Ineed to clear my head. I need to
take a walk. I don't want to sayanything I'm going to regret or
anything unkind, but I'll beback. I'm coming back. I want
(41:13):
you to know I'm coming back totalk to you that can make a
really big difference. Okay, andthen ask yourself, about these
suckers too. Do we have a sharedtrust here? Do I trust this
person? Do they trust me? Have Ibeen trustworthy? Hmm, have they
been trustworthy, right? Isthere mutual respect between us?
(41:35):
Does it flow both ways? Are wereliable with one one another.
Are we responsible? Do we keepour word to each other? Do we do
our best to not break promises,right? Do we spend time
together? Is there a trueconnection? Is there verbal
intimacy, emotional intimacy,physical intimacy? No, you're
not always going to have butphysical intimacy doesn't always
(41:56):
have to be sex, right? It couldbe like, are we affectionate
with one another? Do we show ourlove? Do we hug each other? Do
we say, I love you? Do we kisseach other goodbye on the cheek,
the mouth, whatever the thingis, right? Is there appreciation
and gratitude? Do you take thetime to say thank you? You're
welcome. I appreciate that. Isaw you. I'm grateful for you
every day, whatever emotionalawareness and empathy, do you
(42:20):
have emotional intelligence? Doyou know what you're feeling? Do
you understand what's going oninside of you? Do you know why
you do what you do? Think, whatyou think, say, what you say,
believe, what you believe. Yougot to know yourself, right? You
got to have some emotionalawareness, individual growth,
shared goals, check ins, andthen hear the compromise. We
cannot forget compromise. Areyou willing to compromise? Maybe
(42:42):
I already said that, and thenhere's another wicked, big one,
forgiveness. Are you willing toforgive one another for the
times when you are inevitablygoing to be clumsy, you are
going to be clumsy, you aregoing to flub it up, you are
going to trespass you. We'regoing to step on toes. You're
going to, like, interrupt themwhen there's, like, there's 1001
(43:07):
ways where we can be reallyannoying as human beings, and
we're trying to, like, build alife with somebody, and we have
to put up with each other'snuances and quirks and habits
and patterns and bullshit. Soforgiveness, we have to learn
how to forgive ourselves andforgive one another. And I'm not
(43:28):
telling people that you need toforgive like awful, big things.
That's not for me to say, butjust the day to day stuff. Can
we just fucking give each othera pass once in a while? Can we
just let some things slide oncein a while, right? And if
something is really, really,really bothering you figure out
what it is about. The thing, thebehavior, the pattern, he leaves
(43:49):
the toilet seat up. She leaves,she leaves her wet towel on the
floor, whatever, right?Whatever. The thing is, you
know, figure out why it's reallybothering you, and then
communicate clearly, go back upto those C's and like, you know,
because we want, we want thesethings to last. So I hope this
has been helpful in some way.And again, I want to reiterate,
(44:11):
not all relationships are goingto last right? In A Course in
Miracles, we talk about it likethe three levels of teaching,
there are some relationshipsthat are going to be like, bing,
bang, boom. They last for 30seconds. Literally, I see you in
an elevator. We smile, we say,hi, burp. Opportunity for
connection. Beautiful. Ithappened right next level up is
like when we spend some timetogether. Maybe we went to grade
(44:31):
school together. Maybe we werefriends, like, you know, for
like, three months at summercamp. Maybe we went to, like,
whatever, right, somerelationships people come in.
You date them for a year. It'sover. But time served. Like
there was a meaning, there'sthere was a reason why you guys
met, and then you kind, I'm kindof doing this helix thing where
I'm making my hands swim, likein this line where you're going
(44:52):
to come in and then you're goingto go back out and, like, that's
it. And then the third level ofteaching, and this is kind of
what I'm talking about today,where we. Commit to a person we
commit to a relationship, andwhether that's in a family. And
look, sometimes you do need toleave your family of origin
because it is dysfunctional as
right? I'm not saying everybodyshould stay together forever.
(45:14):
Not a fan. I think when it'ssupposed to be, when it works,
when everybody is contributingand giving and trying to make it
work, like that's a beautifulthing, but we shouldn't stay in
situations that are damaging anddangerous and brutal. Okay,
nothing good is going to comeout or violent. Nothing good is
going to come out of that. Andthere's lots of ways to be
(45:34):
violent. I'm going to haveanother podcast about that. But
here's the thing, right, thirdlevel of teaching. These are the
people that come into your life,and like, you spend some a good
chunk of time together. Andlook, I've often jokingly said,
right? Like, mentors are great.Like, the people that like, help
you teach you, it's so nice.Mentors are great, but
(45:54):
tormentors will take you a longway too. And it's kind of like,
and I don't mean tormenting youlike they're physically harming
you, but like, sometimes we justget on each other's nerves,
right? Sometimes you just likebumping up against each other,
and whether that's siblings orlike, whatever. But here's the
thing, right? That's a thirdlevel of teaching, and if both
parties are willing to commit,all relationships have the
(46:17):
potential to be holyrelationships, if both people
are aware, and they're tryingtheir best to love one another.
And that is the final piecehere, the love. This is how
things get really saved it forlast, right? This is how things
really get built to last istheir love present, and not
(46:42):
just, Oh, I love you. Do thewords and the actions? Are they
congruent? Because when there'sdeep love, right, people can
usually right, usually make mostthings work. Not always you need
the other things. You need thetrust and the respect and all
that stuff, but love is such asolid foundation. And I think I
(47:06):
think of the three little pigsbuilding their houses, but and
right, like straw and hay andmud and like brick or whatever,
right? Is that? Right? Yeah. Andthen the other thing is, I think
it's somewhere it might be inthe Bible, I should probably
find I'm pretty sure it is, butit's just, I didn't read it
specifically in the Bible. But Ijust know this phrase of like,
(47:29):
build your house on rock, andnot sand, and fast, fast. Fast
is how we build things, quicksand. You know what I'm saying?
Just suck you right down. Killyou, you know, but you know what
I'm saying metaphorically, buildyour house on rock, and the
first foundation, right, islove. So I hope this was helpful
(47:51):
in some way. Thank you forlistening. I appreciate you so
much. I hope wherever you are,you're having a fantastic day,
and anything you want to findout about working together,
finding out shenanigans, whatI'm up to, whatever. Just go to
Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com.I would love to have you like,
come join the nest if you'reinterested in that. That's my
(48:12):
monthly membership program,right? It's like group, group,
spiritual mentoring andcoaching. It's such a blast that
people are amazing. And there'salso one to one spiritual
mentoring in the quest. There'slots of ways to stay connected.
You can just get on my emaillist. And if you found this, I
haven't mentioned this in awhile, but if you listen to the
show regularly, you find ithelpful. You find that it gets
(48:34):
you to think, or at least, atthe very least, you're
entertained. I have a tip, ja,where you can like, I don't
know, a little love donationfrom the hot if that speaks to
you and you just go to Karenkenney.com/tip, ja, one word,
all right. Thank you so much.Have a fantastic rest of your
day. And wherever you go, mayyou leave the people, the place,
(48:55):
the animals, yourself, theenvironment, better than how you
first find it wherever you go.May you and your presence and
your energy and your love andyour relationships be a
blessing. May you be out theretrying to build things and
relationships that last. Bye.Hey, thanks so much for
(49:19):
listening to the show. I reallylove spending some time
together. Now, if you dig theshow or know someone that could
benefit from this episode,please share it with them and
help me to spread the good wordand the love. And if you want to
be in the know about all of myupcoming shenanigans, head on
over to Karen kenney.com/sign upand join my list, it'll be
(49:42):
wicked fun to stay in touch.Bye. You.
It's the Karen Kenney show. Hi. Welcome to the
Karen Kenney show. I'm superduper happy to be here with you
today. Oh, my God, you guys. Igot a good dose of sunshine
today. I was out walking myfurry kids. That's where I just
came from. Nothing like movingyour body a little bit, getting
(00:22):
a little blast of vitamin D andspending time with animals, you
know. So I'm feeling, I'mfeeling the after effects that
of that whole excursion. Andtoday I want to talk to you
about something that's just beenon my mind, you know. So you
like me, might have some dailyor weekly habits or whatever,
(00:44):
right? So on Saturday mornings Iwake up, my sweetie always kind
of laughs because, you know, hegets up, he just kind of takes
his time. He takes the dogs out.He like, feeds all the furry
kids, you know, he does all thisstuff and and then he usually,
like, grabs an instrument, andhe's like, on the couch, right?
I get up on Saturday morningsand I'm like, let's go. Like, I
(01:06):
get right into action, and it'slike, cleaning this vacuuming
that projects this, right? Like,I just wake up and, like, hit
the ground running. I think I'vekind of always been that way. I
don't drink coffee, so I'm notsomebody who needs, like,
caffeine to, like, get going. Ithink I just kind of wake up a
little, like, just, I alwayssay, Man, any day that I am
(01:28):
above ground, know that oldsaying something, I just kind of
wake up. I do a little DSP, mylittle daily spiritual practice,
and then I'm like, let's go. Igot got it my back. I got shit
to do. Let's make it happen, youknow. So the reason why I'm
telling you all that is that Ialways like part of cleaning is
(01:50):
that I vacuum. Now I have thisvacuum. It's all gonna come
together in a minute. Stay withme. I have this vacuum. It's an
auric vacuum. O, ah, E, C, K, Ithink I've had this vacuum for
like, almost 25 years, if notmore. I might have had it longer
(02:10):
than 25 years. I was justlooking to see if I could find,
like, the original receipt andlike where I got it from. I have
the original like paperwork forit, meaning, like the manual.
But I don't have, I don't knowif I have the receipt, it might
have even come with me fromCalifornia. Like, that's how
long I've had this thing. Buthere's the thing about this
(02:31):
vacuum. Back in the day, when Ifirst got out of college, I went
to Boston University. I went toBU when I graduated, I had to
get a job right away. It's awhole, much longer story, but I
was the concierge at the HyattRegency in Cambridge. If you've
ever been to Boston and you'vedriven on steroid drive and
looked across the river, you'veseen the building it looks like,
(02:52):
like a step pyramid, almost,right? That was one of the best
gigs. I had so much fun. I gotsome stories. Look, read my
memoir when that thing comesout, I got some stories, but I
had so much fun with mycoworkers at that gig. There was
also a couple of unfortunateincidents, but it's also it was
(03:13):
a really great gig, and I becamevery friendly with some of the
housekeeping staff. I was theconcierge, so I was like, at the
front desk, like, dealing withthe people and stuff. But, you
know, I had a lock up, like,just where, like, all the
housekeepers and stuff did, andI became really friendly with
them. I also worked part time upin the gym at the Hyatt Regency
(03:34):
as well, and that was reallyfun, because there was a pool up
there and a rooftop deck forsunbathing. It was like, a
blast. Okay, anyways, we'reback. I was just like
daydreaming a little bit aboutthat. But the housekeepers
always had these high end,incredible vacuum cleaners. They
were, like, upright ones, like,so not one like you pulled
(03:54):
around behind you, right? Sothey were upright, and they had
this feature where you couldpractically lay them like so
there was a hinge, right? Sothere's the head of the vacuum
ran. It's like the thing, right?It's like the thing that spins
and the brush that pulls all thedirt back into the suction spot,
right? But the bag itself, likehad a handle, and you could
(04:16):
literally lay that sucker flatso you could get underneath the
furniture, in the beds, even ifthey were low to the ground. And
I always said to myself,someday, I'm gonna get myself
one of those fancy schmancyvacuums. Okay, so the day came
when I could afford to get one.Now, those suckers weren't
(04:37):
cheap. I think at the time whenI bought it, maybe it was like
200 bucks, I don't remember, butI remember thinking to myself, I
did my research, right? And Iwas like, I'm gonna get a good
vacuum. I got this vacuum, youguys. It is still running
fantastically to this day. Now,of course, I changed the bags,
(04:58):
right? I have had. There's, likea local, I think it's in
Manchester. There's an orcvacuum cleaner specialist
people, and I've brought itthere twice, once to replace the
wheels, once to replace thebelt. But, like, this sucker is
built to last, okay? And I havea few things in my life that are
(05:21):
made that way. I refrigerate. Iwas just saying My sweetie the
other day. We have almost livedin this house, let's see. It'll
be almost 19 years, and we gotthat fridge like when we moved
in, and I said to my sweetiejust the other day, and I know
some people freak out. They'relike, don't say it, don't jinx
(05:41):
it. But like, and I'll knock onwood for good measure. But I
open that the doors up the otherday, and I'm like, Look, my
fridge isn't fancy. It doesn't,you know, it's like a split it
opens up. One side is a freezer.One size the fridge, it doesn't
make ice cubes. I don't need itto. I don't want a fridge that
makes ice cubes. I don't likethe way ice cubes taste from the
fridge, right? I mean, like, youknow when the cycle thing? I
(06:03):
don't need the fridge to, like,do like, to know my schedule, or
to have social media with allthe screens, like, I don't know
what's going on with all thatnew shit that they're building.
But this fridge, I've had it foralmost 20 years, and it's still
running like a champion built tolast. Okay, my car, my car. I'm
(06:24):
still driving like a 2010Toyota, rav4, I've only ever
owned Toyotas. I've had fourToyotas. That's all I've ever
owned. People American made,like Ford, GMC, like Bucha.
Don't come for me, okay? I'm aloyal Toyota person, right? My
(06:45):
my Toyotas have gone forhundreds and 1000s of miles. My
forerunner, before I gave itlike I traded it like I sold it
to somebody, was like, at250,000 miles. My current one,
my rav4 is at like, 168 orsomething like that, built to
last. Okay, there's a reason whyI'm talking about this.
(07:06):
Hopefully you have some goodthings in your life that are
also built to last. We havebecome a fast a fast society, a
fast culture, right? We wantfast food. Well, I don't want
fast food. I mean, once in awhile, right? Once in a while,
if you're out and you want asnack, maybe, but like, you
(07:29):
know, but even then I'm eatingvegan fast food, but like, fast
food, fast fashion, fastfriendships, fast I can't say
that F word, right? All thedating apps, fast effing you
know what I'm saying? Everybodyjust wants the like, let's go.
Let's go. Fast, easy, cheap.
(07:49):
I don't know. I'm a Generation Xkid. I kind of like to buy
things and invest in things thatare going to stand the test of
time, and that is just not theway that most of the world is
working these days. So for me,when I think about like, if we
(08:13):
want to stand out, and whetherthat's in our personal
relationships or in our businessand our business relationships,
we want to kind of come fromthat place where we are building
things that last. And I oftentalk to, you know, like my my
mentoring clients, the one toone clients, but also the people
(08:33):
in the nest. And I say to them,you guys, all the stuff that I'm
sharing here, anything that Ishare or teach or a resource or
whatever. What I'm trying to dois to pass on skills that are
going to last you for the restof your life. This is not like a
quick, you know, get well, Idon't teach on I was gonna say
(08:56):
get rich quick scheme like, butthat's not my vibe. Anyways. I'm
really trying to help peoplegather resources, tools,
practices, things that are goingto change their life in the now,
but also continue to beapplicable, relatable, tangible,
practical, usable for the restof their lives. I like to create
(09:17):
and build shit that's going tolast, and I want you to just
think about this, because one ofthe most important things like
that that we want to build tolast is our friendships, is our
relationships, and again,whether those are personal or
professional. So I wanted tohave a talk with you while this
(09:38):
has been on my mind, becausewhen I was out on the walk
today, I was thinking aboutlike, you know, what are the
things in our life that wereally want to have, like, be
built to last for for them tostand the test of time? Like,
what are some of the qualitiesthat we need in our friendships,
in our relationships? Because,unless you're building a.
(10:00):
Program, like a product, like aphysical product, right? Like,
that's a whole other thing. Ican't really talk about that in
terms of, like, just use goodquality materials. You know
what? I mean? Like everything,and we look at, and I'm going
off on a slight tangent here fora second. But when you look at
the state of the environment inthe world, and how much trash,
(10:20):
how much stuff, how much shit,gets thrown into our landfills.
We are poisoning the oceans. Weare poisoning the land. Because
everybody just wants shit fastand cheap, and they don't care
how they get it. They don't wearcare how it's getting to you.
They don't care what they'redoing, it with it, when, when
it's done, you know? And thereare times like here where we
(10:41):
live, we have to take our trash,our own trash, to the dump. And,
you know, my sweetie and I, wetry to be really mindful. Of
course, we recycle, but everytime we I have to put, like a
trash bag, like a full trashbag, into the trash cans
outside. You know they'regetting ready to eventually, on
trash day, we take him to thedump. Like, it pains me. It
(11:03):
pains me. And I like, I'm like,we're just like, two people and
some furry kids. Like, I can'teven imagine with big families
with children and disposablediapers and on and on and on. I
just think like, oh my god.Like, the amount of trash. Oh,
I'm like, pulling at my face, ifyou're not watching this right
(11:25):
now. So here's my whole point. Iwould rather buy something Well,
for a decent for a good price,like really invest in something
and keep it out of the landfill,because that sucker continues to
run. And I think that analogycan be applied to our
relationships, and that's what Iwant to talk about. Of course,
(11:45):
I'm always interested in hearingfrom people. So if you got any
good stories about, like, mygrandfather had this one saw
like, I think about my uncle,who has all these tools, and
he's had these tools for like,over 3040, years. You know what
I mean as a carpenter. And Ijust think it's really cool. I
think about the instruments,like, musicians like my sweetie,
where these instruments thatwere, like, built to last, like,
(12:08):
there's a reason why, like, a 65like fender, you know, amp is
like, that's the one, right, thefender, reverb, or whatever.
There's a reason why that gold,that Les Paul gold top, is
worth, like, $250,000 whatever,you know. So things are built to
last, things that stick aroundfor a long time. And I'm
guessing that most of us, if weare in relationships, we want
(12:31):
those friendships, we want thosefamilial relationships or
business relationships orwhatever, to last a long time.
So let's talk about this, right?Let's talk about this. So this
could be a friendship, thiscould be a marriage. This could
be a relationship between youand your customers, you and your
clients, whatever it is. So, butwe can speak, you know, because
(12:56):
I think all of these things, Imean, not all of them, not the
one where, you know, when we'retalking about necessarily like
intimacy, if we're talkingphysical intimacy like you
don't, you don't want to behaving that, necessarily, with
your clients, unless maybeyou're, you know, a sex worker.
But let's look at some of thethings I wrote. I wrote a list
of myself of some of the things,and I'm sharing these because I
(13:19):
think I work with enough people,right? I work with enough
people, and I just know enoughpeople to know that there are a
lot of people who are maybe notthat happy in their current
relationships or the state oftheir relationships, and there's
some things that they wish thatcould be maybe different or
better or more deep, orwhatever. And I think it's good
(13:41):
once in a while. You know, II've often told you guys before
on the podcast, when, when it'smy sweetie and I's anniversary,
we always say to each other, doyou want to renew the contract?
Right? So each year we say, Doyou want to renew the contract?
And then we ask each other, andI posted about this publicly,
and he knows, and he's fine withit. And then I also my sweetie,
(14:01):
and then I all we also say, Arethere any amendments that you
want to make to the contract,you know that fine print, right?
Are there any things like,anything you want to change,
anything you want to update,anything you want to add, like
whatever, you know, and I thinkit's important that we check in
with each other, but here's someC's for you. These c's are kind
of important, right? So we wantthis consistency. We want
(14:23):
consistency of effort in ourrelationships, meaning we don't
want people who just kind oflike, you know, give up, drag
ass, roll their eyes, don'tparticipate, check out, right?
That's a C. We don't want peoplechecking out. What we do want is
checking in. Okay? We want to beable to be checking in with one
(14:43):
another. Okay. We want thatconsistent effort, like meaning
that, showing that thisrelationship actually matters to
you, that you're putting alittle energy and a little
effort towards this sucker,right, that you're not again,
just like taking everybodyaround. You for granted, like
they're always going to bethere. Okay, so this consistent
(15:05):
effort, we also want clearcommunication. Oh, my God, so
often, especially if you've beenfriends with somebody for a long
time, or you've been a siblingfor a long time, or you've been
married or a patented orwhatever, right? We have a
tendency to just want otherpeople to be mind readers. We
just think like, well, they knowme. They should know this. Oh,
(15:27):
those shoulds will bite you inthe ass every time, right? So
clear communication, open andhonest. Don't expect people to
know like the you have thisexpectation. I always, I always
say expectations of premeditatedresentments, right? So just
don't just just clearcommunication if you want
something, say it. If you don'twant something, say it, you want
(15:51):
more or less of something,communicate it. And I find it so
fascinating you know that thepeople that you have chosen to
partner with and say, like, hey,let's get on the same team here,
right? Like, let's be apartnership. Let's get whether
you're hitched or married orliving together or sleeping
together for 20 years, sharing ahot whatever the deal is. You
(16:14):
know, I'm like, people say,Well, I can't talk to them about
that. I'm like, wait a minute.You've been sharing a bed with
this person for 20 years, you'veseen each other like naked, at
your best, at your worst, sick,healthy, you like you've been
through the gamut together. Andyet we do this thing where we're
like, they can't handle thetruth, or we write these stories
(16:38):
about people and on top of,like, doing that whole
expectation, like, they shouldknow this already or whatever,
we also withhold reallyimportant information. And I'm
like, wait, what? What part ofclear communication, like, did
you miss on this whole thing?Right? So there's this thing
about being able to, you know,have that connection, that
(17:02):
comfortable connection, whereyou can be human in front of
that other person. You know,it's so interesting. Like, I
know people who have been like,Oh, I've never, like, farted in
front of my partner. I've neverlike, you know, I'm always like,
no, like, private bathroom.Like, you know, you can't come
in while I'm peeing, like,whatever. And look, every
household has their own thing. Iget it, but I'm thinking to
(17:25):
myself, if you're sharing a homeor a house with somebody for a
wicked long time, inevitably,all the stuff that the body does
is gonna it's gonna be exposed,right? You know what I'm saying?
So this is idea of like, Howcomfortable are you creating
comfort around each other, wherethere's space for you to be who
you really are, like it doesn'thave to be a performance. You
(17:47):
don't have to be perfect. Youget to have your, you know, your
shared humanity, okay? Speakingof sharing, we also want another
C, this shared commitment,right? A commitment to the
relationship, and also acommitment to growth that it's
not just gonna get like, oh, youknow, it's interesting. An older
(18:11):
gentleman once said to me, Ithought this was really
interesting. I am not sayingacross the board that this is
100% true. I'm just sharing whatthis gentleman said to me, and
it made me think about it, andI've thought about it many times
over the years. He says Menoften get married, right? And
again, this, this could be same,these different in same sex
couples,
(18:32):
but he said men tend to getmarried and they say, Oh, I hope
she never changes. You know,like they meet their high school
sweetheart, whatever, andthey're like, Oh, this is the
girl from me, and I hope shenever changes. Where a lot of
times women will marry men, andthey think that's okay. He'll
change once he's with me. Yeah,he's got that annoying habit, or
he's not, he's not thattalkative. He doesn't talk about
(18:54):
his feelings that much, buthe'll change once he's with me.
And I thought, Oh, interesting.So I'm not going to tell you how
to feel about that, but I liketo just share these things, and
maybe you can think on it, thinkon it, and then tell me what you
think about that. Okay, so theother C, we also want
connection, which means we gottaspend some time together, right?
(19:16):
We gotta communicate, clearly,communicate your wants, your
needs, the desires, and thenconnect, spend some time
together. It's so important,right? If you're always just off
doing your own thing all thetime, and you never have that
field where you cross, wherethere's that moment of like,
where you're actually interestedin what the other person is up
(19:40):
to right those little check insat the end of the day, you know,
before after you put the kids tobed, or before you go to sleep
or whatever. Like, you know,just like check in with each
other throughout the day once ina while, not saying you have to
constantly be texting each otherand calling each other or
whatever, you know, that's notfor everybody, but at least.
Have that moment where you feellike you've kind of plugged in,
(20:03):
and you've connected a littlebit, okay, be willing. Here's
another big C like you got to bewilling to compromise. You've
got to be willing to compromise,right? It's not always going to
be your way of the highway, andit's a really beautiful and
humbling thing. Now, I'm notsaying you should compromise on
wicked, important values thatyou hold. Like, I'm not saying
(20:25):
you should give up your ownidentity and, you know, and and
all of a sudden, like, you know,whatever. Like, I'm not saying
that, but compromise on thethings that don't really matter.
Like, just Jesus, if they wantto watch a particular movie.
Just watch it, and likewise,like vice versa, right? This is
(20:45):
true for all family members,too, by the way, all of these, I
think, and then, oh my god,here's another one,
constructive, constructive,conflict resolution, fight fair,
if you're going to fight, like,if you're going to discuss, if
you're going to bring up asensitive subject, let's not
(21:07):
resort to name calling. I havejust been like, that was one of
the things that my sweetie andI, you know, I've been in many
relationships where I have beencalled some names. I have
probably done my own fair shareof name calling myself, or
certainly I might not have donename calling so much. Mine would
(21:32):
be more to like, maybe raise myvoice and swear and get angry.
But I don't know. I don'tremember. I'm sure somebody out
there is rolling there, somebodyelse that could be rolling their
eyes right now and being like,really, I seem to remember, and
maybe I don't remember beingnecessarily a super big name
call us so much as but I woulddefinitely be like, Buck you, or
(21:55):
like, whatever, right? So when Igot together with my speedy, I
was like, yeah, no, I don't wantto do this the way that I've
done other things. Like, Ireally want to be committed to,
like, basically, and we'll getinto what I'm about to say,
like, for these next things, butlet's, let's go over these,
right? So, so far, consistenteffort, clear communication,
(22:15):
right? We want open and honestcommunication. We want to be
able to really, you know, beseen and be heard in our
relationships. And so we'vegotta, we've gotta be willing to
be vulnerable in thatcommunication and open up and
talk about our feelings, etc.Okay, we want to have a shared
commitment to the relationshipand a shared commitment to
(22:37):
growth that you're both on apath of wanting to evolve,
right? Not keep each other in abox of like when we got married,
this is who you were. Well, whenwe set it up, this is who you
were. It's like Jesus. We wantto evolve, don't we, don't we
want to grow and keep getting toknow ourselves and know each
other and remember who we trulyare. Okay. We want to have
(22:59):
connection. We want to be ableto compromise and we want to
have constructive, constructiveconflict resolution. But what is
some of the other things thatmake things be more built to
last right, to stand the test oftime, to evolve and grow over
the years? And I want to say, Iwant to hit pause for to put in
(23:22):
a little caveat here. I'm not aperson right, who believes like
I wasn't necessarily hell benton getting married in this
lifetime. It happened to happen.It happened later in my like it
happened in my 40s. You knowwhat I mean. But, and while I
believe that a union like ofmarriage can be a beautiful and
(23:44):
powerful thing. I don't alwaysthink it's necessary, and I also
don't think that people shouldjust stayed married forever,
especially if they're bothmiserable, and they're making
everybody else around themmiserable, including their
children, by staying in amarriage when they clearly don't
want to be around one anothereach anymore, you know what I
mean. So I'm not talking aboutbuilding it to last and just
(24:06):
sucking it up and stuffing itdown and staying with somebody
who's verbally, emotionally,mentally, physically, sexually
abusive. I do not believe inthat, you know. So I just want
to say that there's a reason whyI don't think that everybody
should just run and get adivorce as soon as things are
had. I think there's a reasonwhy there's counselors and
couple therapy and people youcan talk to and working some
(24:27):
shit out. And I've also beenaround long enough to see that
when people get peopleexperience unhappiness or
whatever in a relationship, wecan be pretty quick to think
it's the other person thatthey're the problem, when really
that's when we need to take alook in the mirror. Take a look
in the soul mirror, as I say,and get honest. Get honest with
(24:49):
yourself about take a fearlessmoral inventory, as they say in
12 step programs, right? Take alook at yourself and a lot of
times our own dissatisfied.Action of self, with who we are,
what we're doing or not doing,whatever we can. Take that kind
of malaise, that general likeand we blame it on other people.
(25:12):
I'm not saying your partnerisn't part of the problem, but a
lot of times, Hello, I'm theproblem. It's me as as what is
it? Taylor Swift, that that'sher song. Okay, so here are some
of the other things, right? Sojust to wrap that up in a little
bow, I don't think you shouldstay in something that you're
miserable in. So I'm not sayingthat all relationships should be
built to last. I think somepeople are going to come in and
(25:34):
out of our lives for differentreasons, different seasons, etc.
Okay, here's some other things,and I'm kind of sharing these is
like a little checklist for you.If you are somebody who's in a
relationship, or if you'resomebody who wants to get into a
relationship, here are somethings you might want to be
aware of. And I'm not a, I'm nota hashtag relationship, you
(25:56):
know, therapist, or anythinglike that, but I'm in the
business of people, and I'vebeen in enough relationships,
right to know that these aresome things that help, like
human behavior, these are somethings that are going to help.
Is there trust? Do you trustyour your friend? Do you trust
your sibling? Do you trust yourfamily members? Do you trust
(26:18):
your partner, the person thatyou live with that you share
your life with, you know what Imean? That's kind of important.
Without trust, how are you goingto you're always going to be
holding your cards close to yourchest. You're going to have your
dukes up. You're not going to bewilling to be vulnerable if
there's no trust, you're notgoing to be willing to be
honest, to be seen, if there'sno trust to share yourself,
(26:40):
right to open yourself up,emotionally, mentally,
spiritually, physically, ifthere's no trust, it's not going
to happen. Is there mutualrespect? This is such a big one.
You know, I'm just notinterested in being in
relationships with people whodon't have, like, basic respect
for me. You know what I mean, ifyou don't like me, if you don't
(27:01):
want me around, if you think I'man idiot, if you just have no
interest in being like, kind tome. Like, I don't, I don't know.
I'm all sad. Like, take itsomewhere else, right? I'm like,
I'm almost 57 I only got so manysummers left, so many years
left. I want to be around peoplethat want to be around me, and
I'm going to talk to me like,I'm a fucking asshole. You know
what I'm saying? So, like, yeah,no. Like, not interested in
(27:24):
being around the jerks, notsaying I cannot work on
relationships with difficultpeople. I don't think we should
just run away from everybodythat we find a little
challenging, right? There'ssomething, there's something
like, there's some goodspiritual like, I'm, like,
kneading my hands, like I'mmaking bread, like I'm kneading
dough, right? This there can besomething good about spending
(27:47):
time sometimes. Now I'm nottalking about people who harm
you or distress you. I'm justsaying, like, we don't always
have to agree with everybody allthe time in order to have a
relationship with them. Okay? Sotrust, mutual respect,
reliability. Don't we all wantto have, like, first of all, be
(28:07):
a person that's reliable, butalso have other people that
we're in close relationship toto have that kind of
reliability. Oh, my God, whenpeople are responsible, man,
does that just take my nervoussystem, like right down to a
much more regulated place when Idon't have to do mental
gymnastics, worrying andwondering, are they going to
(28:29):
keep their word, and even ifthey break their word, it's
probably going to be for areason that they couldn't avoid.
Like reliability, to me, is likesexy people who show up, people
who are there for you, peoplewho keep their word, people who
don't just say they're a friend.I'm doing air quotes, they
actually act like a friend. Theyshow up like a friend. You know
(28:50):
what I'm saying. So yeah, that'sgood. Here's another thing, time
together. Spending time togetheris really important. I know a
lot of people do like longdistance relationships, I find
that most people don't do themwell, right? They don't usually
survive. So time together, andsometimes that time together for
(29:13):
periods of time of travel orwhatever. It might have to be
over zoom or FaceTime orwhatever. But finding that time
to have connection and intimacyand to connect is really
important.
Appreciation and gratitude. Thisis another way that you build
especially in businessrelationships too. If your
(29:34):
clients feel like you reallyappreciate them, this is how you
can build that loyalty inrelationships is that you're
somebody who has their trust,has their respect. You are
reliable, that they've spentsome time with you, getting to
know your business, your brand,whatever, and that they know
that there's like that mutualappreciation and gratitude,
(29:57):
those things can get out ofbalance. You know, there can be
time. Times when you feel like,taken for granted, and you're
like, there's not really a lotof appreciation and gratitude
happening right now and granted.There's going to be seasons,
right? There's going to be timesin each person's life where
maybe somebody's grieving, orsomebody just had a baby, or
somebody just is going through athing right there. They're
having some, you know, they'redealing with their mental
(30:19):
health, whatever, like, noteverybody's gonna be on point
100% of the time, but most ofthe time, right? If we can be
expressing not just like keepingit in your head, right? Express
your gratitude. Send a card.Send a thank you note. Call them
on the phone, let them hear yourvoice, right? Send something
(30:40):
snail mail like surprise them.Appreciation and gratitude, man,
goes a really long way. Saythank you. Say you're welcome.
Notice the everyday littlethings and comment on it. Hey, I
noticed that you brought thetrash bins back in blah, blah,
blah from the end of thedriveway, right? Hey, thank you
for feeding the kids. I alwayssaid I get up in the morning say
(31:01):
to my sweetie, thanks for doingthe dishes. Doing the dishes,
thanks for doing this right.Because I want him to know that
I see what he does. And samething for here, he'll say to me,
thanks for going groceryshopping, thanks for doing this
right. Because I don't ever wanthim to feel taken for granted,
and I certainly don't likefeeling that way either. So I'm
this is just like, again, thisis just my list. And look, I
(31:23):
could put probably another 25things on this list, but let's
not, let's not do overkill. Weonly have so much time. Here's
another thing that's reallyimportant. If you want to build
shit that lasts, we got to havesome self awareness, man. We've
got to have some emotionalawareness, and we need to have
some emotional intelligence, andwe really need to have some
(31:43):
empathy for one another. If youdon't know what you're feeling,
and you don't know how toexpress your feelings, and you
have no idea if you are justlike, shut off emotionally. This
is one of the biggest thingsthat I hear. You know, women
complain about with their malepartners is that you know he
doesn't even know how he feels.He's not in touch with his
(32:05):
emotions. But here's the flipside of that, too, ladies,
women, people, if you wantsomebody to have their feelings,
and they're allowed to have allof their feelings so you can't,
then shame men for crying. Ithink this is such a fascinating
thing about the differencebetween how women are raised, or
girls are raised and boys areraised, or children are raised
in our culture, where we doeverything, like pink, blue,
(32:28):
like we try to separate, I'mlike humans, humans, humans,
humans, which means feelings,feelings, which means it's not
like women only got feelings andmen Didn't emotions. The
chemical cocktails in our brainexists in both our brains. I'm
not saying things might not beslightly different. Men are just
(32:49):
as sensitive. Most men are justas sensitive and feel as deeply.
They just either got it yelledout of them, beat out of them,
shamed out of them, blamed outwhen they were kids. So women
don't get weird around like, letyour man be human. Let him have
you know, have empathy for thefull spectrum of the rainbow of
(33:09):
human emotions, right? Like allparts of you are welcome here.
Okay, not that, not the abusivepots. We're not fans of that
pot. But you know what I'msaying? Okay, have your own
emotional awareness. Have someempathy from one another. Okay?
Oh, my God. Individual growth,so important, so important.
Please. Don't like get togetherin 1970 and then nobody. Read a
(33:34):
book, for the love of JesusChrist, read some books. Read
some books. Read them together.Take some classes. Take a
course. Expand your mind. Get anew hobby, like Grow. Grow.
Don't become a stagnant pool,like, where mosquitoes and all
the bugs gather. You know whatI'm saying? Like, no, like,
(33:55):
expand. I'm doing this thing,like, from my hat, like my hat,
like a big circle. Like, expand.Big circle. Expand yourself.
Open your mind. Keep your mindopen. Keep your heart open, keep
your ears open. Right, whichleads me to this right is open
(34:16):
eyes open hot. Open mind open,which is we want to be really
good listeners. Pay attention.Pay attention. Paying attention
is one of the greatest ways thatwe show love. I am interested in
what you have to say, and it'sthere's a difference between
(34:37):
really listening and reallyhearing. You know what I mean?
Like, not just like, Oh, I hearthe words coming out of your
mouth, but I'm not payingattention, right? Put down on
your damn phone. If you'resweetie or your partner or your
kid or somebody that matters toyou is trying to talk to you,
take a moment. Flip that suckerdown. Pay attention. Here's
another thing that I dosometimes, right? We're all. All
(35:00):
in the habit of it. Somebody'sin the other room. You can't see
them. You just walk in andyou're already talking, and you
go in and you see they're doingsomething, right? So we all do
it to each other. So my sweetieand I have often said, you know,
to each other, just give me aminute, like, if I'm mid
thought, or mid if I'm writingsome I don't want to forget what
I was doing. And I'll just sayto him, I mean, obviously, if
(35:20):
it's an emergency, I'll put myphone down, but sometimes I'll
just say, just give me onesecond, because I want to be
able to give you my fullattention. I don't want to half
ass it. Now, look, we're notperfect. We don't always get it
right. I'm deaf as a haddock. Ican't hear him most of the time,
right, so he speaks. His histone of voice is just like,
(35:42):
like, really, sometimes hard formy ears to catch. He and I have
talked about this, like, adnauseam, right? He's like, I say
patience of a saint when itcomes to repeating himself
around me. But it just showslike, like, really try to listen
and be present, right? Like, payattention. So, like, shut your
mouth. That's why I waslaughing. I was like, open ears,
(36:03):
open heart, open mind, right?But shut your mouth once in a
while, and really listen to yourpartner. This can be wicked
helpful in starting to helpbuild things that last. Because,
you know, women will often sayhe doesn't hear me, he doesn't
get me. It's another way ofsaying he doesn't get me,
doesn't understand me, right?And we want to be heard, all of
(36:26):
us do? We want to be heard. Wewant to know that we matter
again. That goes back toappreciation and gratitude, like
let people know I see you, I getyou, I understand you, I feel
you, or even if I don't, becauseI haven't been in that exact
position. I wish I did. I wish Icould, but I'm still here for
you. You know what I'm saying?Okay, individual growth, yes,
(36:50):
but shared goal, like, sharedgoals, you got to know you're on
the same team. If one of you islike, no, I really want to save
because I want to pay off themortgage earlier, like, get this
thing paid off, and the otherone's like, Copacabana, let's go
drink and booze and potty andtravel and save nothing, right?
It's like, that is not gonnawork. You guys gotta have some
(37:12):
shared goals, yo. You know whatI'm saying. And definitely some
check ins. I already said this aconnection. You want to do these
check ins. But here's a littletip. Here's a little something
I've learned over the years.Okay, everybody's different. My
sweetie and I can sit down andtalk ad nauseum with each other
over the kitchen table aboutthings, right? But not everybody
(37:35):
can, so some people do betterexpressing what's going on
inside of them by being inmotion. For some people that's
taking a drive, for some peoplethat's taking a walk, right? Get
to know what works for yourPatna, some people like to be in
(37:56):
motion. It does something to thebrain, right? It helps them to
do. We already know that walkinghelps with creativity, creative
thinking, blah, blah. But youknow, don't always insist that
the important conversations,like I know so many parents who
say to me,
I talk to my kid when he's inthe car with me, when he's
(38:17):
trapped, like on the way toschool, or like taking them
clothes shop or whatever thething they like, trap their kids
in the car and try to forcetheir kids to talk to I think
it's so funny. Oh my god, so Butfind out. Find out when you and
your sweetie, you and yourpartner, you and your bestie,
you and your family members,right, do their best connecting
(38:38):
and talking and don't alwaysassist like somebody might be
like, Can we take a walk in thewoods, or can we blah, blah,
blah, whatever the thing isright, and see what works for
them. And like I said, I couldgo on and on and on and on, but
it was really just looking atthese items, these things that I
had right, my fridge, my car, myvacuum. And I was like, Man,
(39:00):
these suckers are built to last.And then I started to think, is
there anything else in our liferight now that's really built to
last? I'm like, so much is likeagain, fast fashion, fast food,
fast fast communication, fasteverything. Everything is just
like, move, move, move. I said,Yeah, you know what? Like
relationships can be reallybuilt to last, if we're willing
(39:22):
to pour into them, if we'rewilling to slow down and take a
look at these things, right? Soask yourself just kind of go
through this. Have I beenshowing consistent effort in my
relationship? Have I beencommuting, communicating clearly
with my clients, with mycustomers, with my sweet hat,
with my best friend, whoeverwith my siblings, right, my
(39:43):
parents or whatever your thingis, right? Is there a shared
commitment here? Are we bothstill committed to making this
relationship, whatever kind ofrelationship it is, work, right?
Are we committed to growingtogether? Side by side on the
same team, right? Are we stillputting an effort to stay
(40:05):
connected, right? Are we willingto compromise? Do we know how to
constructively have conflict,right, without like flinging
like names at each other andbeing unkind and then doing the
silent treatment, or somebodyslamming the door and walking
out. Do you know how manyadults, I always think of it
like this, adult children,because so many adults, we're
(40:28):
really just little kids in bigbodies. So many adults have
abandonment issues. So let mesay this, if you are somebody
who insists on being a doorSlammer in a leva when you're
fighting with somebody. Do youknow what would like really be
helpful is if you, first of alllearned maybe a better way than
(40:51):
that. But also, if you are goingto leave like you just need to
go outside and take a walk soyou don't say something you're
gonna regret. Tell your partner,I'm going to go outside. I just
need to get some fresh air. Ineed to clear my head. I need to
take a walk. I don't want to sayanything I'm going to regret or
anything unkind, but I'll beback. I'm coming back. I want
(41:13):
you to know I'm coming back totalk to you that can make a
really big difference. Okay, andthen ask yourself, about these
suckers too. Do we have a sharedtrust here? Do I trust this
person? Do they trust me? Have Ibeen trustworthy? Hmm, have they
been trustworthy, right? Isthere mutual respect between us?
(41:35):
Does it flow both ways? Are wereliable with one one another.
Are we responsible? Do we keepour word to each other? Do we do
our best to not break promises,right? Do we spend time
together? Is there a trueconnection? Is there verbal
intimacy, emotional intimacy,physical intimacy? No, you're
not always going to have butphysical intimacy doesn't always
(41:56):
have to be sex, right? It couldbe like, are we affectionate
with one another? Do we show ourlove? Do we hug each other? Do
we say, I love you? Do we kisseach other goodbye on the cheek,
the mouth, whatever the thingis, right? Is there appreciation
and gratitude? Do you take thetime to say thank you? You're
welcome. I appreciate that. Isaw you. I'm grateful for you
every day, whatever emotionalawareness and empathy, do you
(42:20):
have emotional intelligence? Doyou know what you're feeling? Do
you understand what's going oninside of you? Do you know why
you do what you do? Think, whatyou think, say, what you say,
believe, what you believe. Yougot to know yourself, right? You
got to have some emotionalawareness, individual growth,
shared goals, check ins, andthen hear the compromise. We
cannot forget compromise. Areyou willing to compromise? Maybe
(42:42):
I already said that, and thenhere's another wicked, big one,
forgiveness. Are you willing toforgive one another for the
times when you are inevitablygoing to be clumsy, you are
going to be clumsy, you aregoing to flub it up, you are
going to trespass you. We'regoing to step on toes. You're
going to, like, interrupt themwhen there's, like, there's 1001
(43:07):
ways where we can be reallyannoying as human beings, and
we're trying to, like, build alife with somebody, and we have
to put up with each other'snuances and quirks and habits
and patterns and bullshit. Soforgiveness, we have to learn
how to forgive ourselves andforgive one another. And I'm not
(43:28):
telling people that you need toforgive like awful, big things.
That's not for me to say, butjust the day to day stuff. Can
we just fucking give each othera pass once in a while? Can we
just let some things slide oncein a while, right? And if
something is really, really,really bothering you figure out
what it is about. The thing, thebehavior, the pattern, he leaves
(43:49):
the toilet seat up. She leaves,she leaves her wet towel on the
floor, whatever, right?Whatever. The thing is, you
know, figure out why it's reallybothering you, and then
communicate clearly, go back upto those C's and like, you know,
because we want, we want thesethings to last. So I hope this
has been helpful in some way.And again, I want to reiterate,
(44:11):
not all relationships are goingto last right? In A Course in
Miracles, we talk about it likethe three levels of teaching,
there are some relationshipsthat are going to be like, bing,
bang, boom. They last for 30seconds. Literally, I see you in
an elevator. We smile, we say,hi, burp. Opportunity for
connection. Beautiful. Ithappened right next level up is
like when we spend some timetogether. Maybe we went to grade
(44:31):
school together. Maybe we werefriends, like, you know, for
like, three months at summercamp. Maybe we went to, like,
whatever, right, somerelationships people come in.
You date them for a year. It'sover. But time served. Like
there was a meaning, there'sthere was a reason why you guys
met, and then you kind, I'm kindof doing this helix thing where
I'm making my hands swim, likein this line where you're going
(44:52):
to come in and then you're goingto go back out and, like, that's
it. And then the third level ofteaching, and this is kind of
what I'm talking about today,where we. Commit to a person we
commit to a relationship, andwhether that's in a family. And
look, sometimes you do need toleave your family of origin
because it is dysfunctional as
right? I'm not saying everybodyshould stay together forever.
(45:14):
Not a fan. I think when it'ssupposed to be, when it works,
when everybody is contributingand giving and trying to make it
work, like that's a beautifulthing, but we shouldn't stay in
situations that are damaging anddangerous and brutal. Okay,
nothing good is going to comeout or violent. Nothing good is
going to come out of that. Andthere's lots of ways to be
(45:34):
violent. I'm going to haveanother podcast about that. But
here's the thing, right, thirdlevel of teaching. These are the
people that come into your life,and like, you spend some a good
chunk of time together. Andlook, I've often jokingly said,
right? Like, mentors are great.Like, the people that like, help
you teach you, it's so nice.Mentors are great, but
(45:54):
tormentors will take you a longway too. And it's kind of like,
and I don't mean tormenting youlike they're physically harming
you, but like, sometimes we justget on each other's nerves,
right? Sometimes you just likebumping up against each other,
and whether that's siblings orlike, whatever. But here's the
thing, right? That's a thirdlevel of teaching, and if both
parties are willing to commit,all relationships have the
(46:17):
potential to be holyrelationships, if both people
are aware, and they're tryingtheir best to love one another.
And that is the final piecehere, the love. This is how
things get really saved it forlast, right? This is how things
really get built to last istheir love present, and not
(46:42):
just, Oh, I love you. Do thewords and the actions? Are they
congruent? Because when there'sdeep love, right, people can
usually right, usually make mostthings work. Not always you need
the other things. You need thetrust and the respect and all
that stuff, but love is such asolid foundation. And I think I
(47:06):
think of the three little pigsbuilding their houses, but and
right, like straw and hay andmud and like brick or whatever,
right? Is that? Right? Yeah. Andthen the other thing is, I think
it's somewhere it might be inthe Bible, I should probably
find I'm pretty sure it is, butit's just, I didn't read it
specifically in the Bible. But Ijust know this phrase of like,
(47:29):
build your house on rock, andnot sand, and fast, fast. Fast
is how we build things, quicksand. You know what I'm saying?
Just suck you right down. Killyou, you know, but you know what
I'm saying metaphorically, buildyour house on rock, and the
first foundation, right, islove. So I hope this was helpful
(47:51):
in some way. Thank you forlistening. I appreciate you so
much. I hope wherever you are,you're having a fantastic day,
and anything you want to findout about working together,
finding out shenanigans, whatI'm up to, whatever. Just go to
Karen Kenney, k e n, n, e y.com.I would love to have you like,
come join the nest if you'reinterested in that. That's my
(48:12):
monthly membership program,right? It's like group, group,
spiritual mentoring andcoaching. It's such a blast that
people are amazing. And there'salso one to one spiritual
mentoring in the quest. There'slots of ways to stay connected.
You can just get on my emaillist. And if you found this, I
haven't mentioned this in awhile, but if you listen to the
show regularly, you find ithelpful. You find that it gets
(48:34):
you to think, or at least, atthe very least, you're
entertained. I have a tip, ja,where you can like, I don't
know, a little love donationfrom the hot if that speaks to
you and you just go to Karenkenney.com/tip, ja, one word,
all right. Thank you so much.Have a fantastic rest of your
day. And wherever you go, mayyou leave the people, the place,
(48:55):
the animals, yourself, theenvironment, better than how you
first find it wherever you go.May you and your presence and
your energy and your love andyour relationships be a
blessing. May you be out theretrying to build things and
relationships that last. Bye.Hey, thanks so much for
(49:19):
listening to the show. I reallylove spending some time
together. Now, if you dig theshow or know someone that could
benefit from this episode,please share it with them and
help me to spread the good wordand the love. And if you want to
be in the know about all of myupcoming shenanigans, head on
over to Karen kenney.com/sign upand join my list, it'll be
(49:42):
wicked fun to stay in touch.Bye. You.
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