August 28, 2025 • 25 mins
On this episode of The Karen Kenney Show, I talk about the power of stopping before you start - especially when it comes to how we communicate with others.
I share a little story about catching myself as I was about to fire off a sarcastic response (classic Masshole move!) and realizing that just because something comes easy or is a habit, doesn’t mean it’s always the best way to show up.
Sometimes, it’s worth pausing and asking ourselves, “Is this really how I want to respond?”
I dive into how our brains get wired over time for certain automatic reactions, like sarcasm or quick replies, and how the speed of today’s world makes it even harder to slow down.
We’re all so used to “instant” responses and moving at the pace of technology, but that doesn’t always serve us - or the people we’re talking to.
I talk about checking in with yourself before you hit send -or- how I like to pause before I open my big fat mouth! 😆
It’s good to get a grip on where you and your nervous system are at: How’s your mood? Are you tired, angry, hungry, or stressed?
Because that stuff totally colors the words, tone, and temperature of how we come across.
I also share some of my favorite tricks for being a clearer, more thoughtful communicator - like numbering info in emails, using bold text, and breaking things up with a little more space - so people can actually take it in.
It’s all about making things easier for the person on the other end -and- saving yourself from a bunch of back-and-forth later.
And, if we all took a second to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and how it might feel to be on the receiving end of things, the world would be a much kinder, more compassionate place.
So, the big takeaway?
Slow down, check in with yourself, and be intentional with your words and actions.
Whether you’re writing, talking, or interacting with others in your life, you’ve got the power to choose a new or different way in every moment.
Sending you lots of love and encouragement to leave everything and everyone a little better than you found them! ❤️
KK’S KEY TAKEAWAYS:
• Stop before you start running your mouth or reacting from conditioning, habits, or patterns.
• Pausing before you respond helps you communicate more intentionally and avoid knee-jerk reactions.
• Checking in with your mood and mindset before replying to people, emails, and messages can prevent misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
• Using clear formatting in written communication - like numbering, bold text, and short paragraphs - makes your communication easier for others to understand.
• Taking the time to consider how your words will land shows compassion and helps build better relationships.
• Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine being on the receiving end.
• You can always choose a new way to respond, no matter how ingrained your habits have been.
• Slowing down and being thoughtful with your words and actions can make a positive difference for you and others. Win-Win!
BIO:
Spiritual mentor and writer Karen Kenney uses humor and dynamic storytelling to bring a down-to-earth, no-BS perspective to self-development.
Bringing together tools that coach the conscious and unconscious mind, Karen helps clients deepen their connections with Self, and discover their unique understandings of spirituality.
Her practice combines neuroscience, subconscious reprogramming, Integrative Hypnosis, somatics, spiritual mentoring, and other holistic modalities to help regulate the nervous system, examine internal narratives, remove blocks,...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
It's a Karen Kenney show.
Hey you guys. Welcome to theKaren Kenney show. I'm wicked
excited to be here, and I'mgonna do my best. I know I've
said it. I know I've saidbefore, but I'm really, really,
really, really, really gonna tryto keep this one short, short
(00:20):
and to the point short andsweet, with maybe a little bit
of spice. We'll see. Okay, so
as you know, I always use thisto have a little story or
something like the inspiration,like where the show came from. I
had my brain, my brain
come up with it. And as usual,it's just like everyday life,
like something happens in life,some universal thing kind of
(00:43):
happens. I make it personal, andthen I try to share universal,
spiritual principles that maybewill help us to just, you know,
basically, just get out of ourown way and stop being maybe a
little nicer to each other andleading with more love and
spreading more love in theworld. Okay, so, you know how,
like somebody like text messagesyou, or send you an email or
(01:06):
voicemail, or, what a voxel,like some, you know, WhatsApp,
some sort of communication.Well, I got a text like the
other day, and all of a sudden,
and all of a sudden, I foundmyself responding very quickly
with a little bit of sarcasm,like, trying to be funny, like,
because there's certain people,like, first of all, if you're a
(01:27):
New England kid or a mass hole,like, sarcasm is just like, it's
almost like a default mode.Sometimes you've practiced,
you've practiced that so oftenthat the neural network in your
brain, like that is a really, Ithink of it like being thick.
I'm like, That is a very welltraveled neural network to
respond with sarcasm. So but itwas really sarcasm to make the
(01:50):
other person laugh. But evenstill, like, I stopped myself.
And I stopped myself because, asI was saying, sarcasm is easy
for me, but that's not how Ialways want to respond. It's not
how I always want tocommunicate. Um. Now, don't get
me wrong, sometimes I like to bea little fresh, but you know,
(02:11):
just by knowing me, there'll betimes when I say to people, I'm
not being fresh. I said it allthe time. I'm not being fresh.
And I thought to myself, well,if you have to lead with, I'm
not being fresh to, like, putthem on alert, is that, because
you're fresh a lot.
Now, look, being fresh. Beingfresh is fun sometimes, but it's
(02:34):
not always the appropriatething, okay? But because sarcasm
is so, like, kind of automatedin my brain, and it can be a
very automated response, youknow, and you know, like, double
A minions, if you grew upanywhere, pretty much in, like,
New England, like, it'sguaranteed, right, that a lot of
people and I remember my sweetiesaying to me, we both lived out
(02:55):
in Los Angeles, we both livedout in California for long
periods of time. And he wassaying that when he first moved
out there, that his hisgirlfriend, one of his
girlfriends at the time, andpeople that he knew, like, they
just kind of didn't get, like,the whole sarcasm thing. Like,
to them, they're like, like,Why? Why is that even a thing?
Like, why would you want to talkto people that way? You know?
(03:16):
And I found this so fascinating.
And, you know, we get rewarded alot. We get rewarded a lot for
our sarcasm, for being fast, forbeing quick, for being witty,
for being like, being able tolike, like, like, you know, poke
the bear with the stick. I hate,actually, I hate, I don't like
that, but we know how to like,you know, like little zingers.
(03:36):
You know what I'm talking about.But here's the thing, as a
writer and as a communicator, Iwant to be more intentional with
my words. I want to, I want tonot just do things habitually.
You know, I think that there's alot of things that get patterned
into us that are really good,like learning how to drive a
(03:56):
car, riding a bike, tying ourshoes, being able to, like, do
certain things. You know,there's certain neural networks
that get created in our brains.We become so patterned and
habituated we can do thosethings without even thinking
like nobody, really, I shouldn'tsay nobody, most people really
don't have to think about whenthey go to brush their teeth,
right? We know how to do it.It's so automated, like, it's
(04:17):
like, we're little robots,right? But I want to be able to
stop and think about what I'mabout to say, what I'm about to
do, what I'm about tocommunicate. I want those
thoughts, words and actions toactually represent what's in my
hat, what's on my mind, like howI truly feel, how I want to be
in the world, not just from whatI've always done, or this is
(04:40):
just how it is. Or because Iwasn't thinking, You know what I
mean? Okay, so the other day, Iwas thinking about this, and I
was like, sometimes you justbetter stop before you start,
you know? And that's what Ithought to myself when I went to
text back, I was like, stopbefore you start running your
mouth. Stop before you start.In.
Making your little jokes stopbefore you say something that
(05:03):
you might you know, that mightget missing, misinterpreted or
it wasn't actually what youmeant, like stop before you
start getting yourself introuble type of a thing. You
know what I mean. And so Ithought that this could be
applied to greater
circumstances, and it could alsobe wicked helpful. So I'm going
to kind of come at this from acouple of different directions,
(05:25):
because I don't think enough ofus, especially in this day and
age of
of the internet and social mediaand whatever, and just people's
nervous systems like this is oneof the things I always say to
people like we are not meant tolive at the speed of gigabytes,
(05:46):
right? Like information travelsso fast these days, and people
have kind of becomeuncomfortable with having to
wait for a response. People areimpatient. People expect
immediacy, like right nowrespond. Do this thing? Faster,
faster, faster. I'm like, thoseare machines. Those are
(06:06):
computers, right? That's nothumans. Like, I always say,
like, I shouldn't have to, like,hurry up and respond because you
are, like, impatient, or, like,you throw an emergency in my
like, your emergency. You'retrying to make it by emergency?
I'm like, yeah, no. So the worldis moving at such a fast clip
(06:27):
that we sometimes just do thingsautomated. We don't even think
about it. And so my whole thingis about like, sometimes we just
got to stop. We got to put onthe brakes. So these are kind of
some of the things I ask myself
when I find myself about tolike, let's say, write an email,
make a post on social media,send out send out my newsletter,
(06:50):
do a podcast, talk to a friendbefore I open my big fat mouth,
something that I often say tomyself is, you better stop
before you Start. Right? So Iwant to ask myself these things
like, how's my nervous systemright now? Like, where's it at?
Where's my mind at? How am Ifeeling? Because sometimes, you
(07:12):
know, you know, in the indifferent like programs, like 12
step programs and stuff likethat, they'll often say to
people like, are you tired? Areyou hungry? Are you thirsty? Are
you lonely? You know whateverlike, what's going on inside of
you? Because before you make adecision that you can't unmake,
you know what I mean. You likeslow down and ask yourself,
(07:33):
like, what's going on inside ofyou? So I like to to make sure
that I am not responding orreacting to things from a place
of fear. I want to be able tochoose them from a place of
like, Yeah, this is a choicethat I'm consciously making. I'm
not just reacting from myhistory. I'm not reacting from
(07:53):
my trigger or my trauma. I'm notreacting from this is just how
I've always done it. If I havean attitude, like, sometimes you
need a little attitudeadjustment,
you know what I mean? So I'mlike, I want to be able to stop
and before, before I startrunning my mouth, before I start
typing with my little fingers,before I hit record. You know? I
(08:16):
want to be mindful. I want to bethinking about some shit. So
what's going on inside of me.Because if I'm feeling agitated,
if I'm feeling anxious, if I'mfeeling stressed, if I'm feeling
impatient, there is no doubtthat that is going to affect my
tone, my tone of voice. It'sgoing to affect my brevity, or
(08:38):
how long I write a thing, howfriendly I'm being, or how open
I'm being, how vulnerable andwarm and compassionate and
connecting. So if I'm offline,if my nervous system has been
hijacked and I'm in like, somesort of fear loop, or doing some
weird shit up in my brain and mybody's not feeling great, of
course, it's going to affect,like, how I respond, how I talk,
(08:59):
all those things. So I alwayslike to check in with myself and
say, like, okay, might it besmarter to wait a little bit to
send this sucker? Do you want towait till you get a good night's
rest? Right? Don't just makethis impulsive response. Don't
just make this impulsivedecision, like, stop before you
start and get yourself introuble. You know what I mean?
So that's number one. So numbertwo, we want to, like, just
(09:21):
like, pause and reflect beforewe take action. And some of the
things we want to consider,like, what's really the point of
this thing? Like, what's thepurpose of this thing? What's my
goal in my objective, with thiscommunication, with this
whatever I'm about to do thisaction I'm about to take,
(09:43):
like, think about like, what doyou really Excuse me? What do
you really want to have happen?What's the goal? What's the
objective? We don't control theoutcome 90 whatever, percent of
the time, but what we put intoit, how we start a thing is
sometimes, how we.
An end of things. So, like, ifwe're going to start it, we want
to be doing it from a place thatactually reflects, you know, the
(10:06):
thing we're going for, like, itis, is the outcome that I want,
is this thing I'm about tothink, say and do? Is it in
alignment with with thatpotential outcome? And we also
have to be thinking about thepotential consequences of not
stopping, like, just starting.Do you know what I mean? Because
a lot of times, like,
(10:27):
a lot of times, especiallyagain, when we go back to the
speed of information thing, youknow, you get a message, and you
don't even think, like,especially with, like, boxer or
something like that, can be alittle more stream of
consciousness, you know, like,when you can just hit record and
you can talk out loud for 15minutes uninterrupted, and the
person on the receiving endright has to just like, listen
(10:48):
to you go on and on and on andon and on. Now, I personally
don't mind getting longermessages, especially if they're
telling me good stories orthere's good points, or that
we're playing catch up, or we'rebrainstorming that. I don't mind
that. But there are times whenpeople just, like, run their
mouse without thinking, right?There's no it's like, put a
comma in your commentary, right?Just put a comma in your
(11:09):
commentary and pause for amoment. Okay, because we want to
be talking about, like, theconsequences that. But have you
thought about the goal, theoutcome, what you're really
trying to accomplish. And haveyou thought about the potential
consequences of what yourattitude, your tone of voice,
the words you're choosing, whatyou're about to say back right?
(11:30):
Did you stop before you started?And did you think about it? How
is this going to land for them?You know, we can't control how
other people respond, but we cancontrol when we send it, how we
send it, what words we choose,what we do, right with those
thoughts, those words and thoseactions. And here's just another
(11:52):
final one. I'm going to wrapthis up, because this is the
thing. So I find that I don'tknow if it's just you, I don't
know if you have this experiencetoo. Double A men hands, I try
to be a really thoughtfulcommunicator. So when I go to
send somebody an email,especially if I'm trying to
(12:13):
communicate important things tothem, like, for example, in the
nest, right? So my my spiritualmentoring group, program and
community. So we have callsevery other week. And so when I
send out the like, the time, I'mlike, All right, I need them to
know first of all, the call iscoming up this week. This is
(12:35):
what day it is, this is whattime it is, this is what how
long it is like. This is whereit's happening. Here's the Zoom
link, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, here's what they're going
to need for the call. Try toshow up on whatever I think of
all the information that I'mtrying to communicate. And I
always say to myself, How can Imake this almost foolproof? How
(12:56):
can I make this so that therewill be no follow up questions?
How can I do work up frontthat's going to save me work on
the back end, because I was ashitty communicator. So here are
some of the tricks and toolsthat I use, and I'm going to
tell you what they are first,then I'm going to talk a little
bit about it. And so just sittight about the buckle up. Okay,
(13:19):
so when I'm sending an email,there's a couple of things that
I do. Number one, if I'm usuallysharing a lot of different
information, like a place, atime or whatever, a link, I
number them. I literally make itso their brain has to go number
one, okay, here's the date andthe time. Number two, here's how
(13:44):
long the thing is, or whateverit is, here's the location. This
is where the studio is. Like, Iliterally try to think of
everything. This is what you'regonna need to bring. Number
three, you know what I mean? Itry to really, really simplify
it.
I often will use bold in myemails because people don't pay
(14:06):
attention. Most people's mindsare moving so fast. This is the
generation right of like, TLDR,too long didn't read, which to
me, is just like, I don't thinkI've ever written that in my
life, except to reference itabout somebody else or something
else. I'm like, No, I will readeverything like I read the
(14:27):
things. No, why? Because I'm areader. I'm a reader and a
writer. I love words so like, Iwill read it. So many people
skim, so many people read fast.Don't really read. They half ass
read. They don't pay attention,whatever. So I already know, I
already know what the internet,social media, just people's
nervous systems, how everybody'skind of amped up, stressed out,
(14:50):
anxious, whatever. And so I'm,like, all right, I'm gonna try
to make this as clear aspossible, make it so that they
can't, like, miss it. I'm.
I will number things. I willwrite things in bold.
I will create space so as awriter, writer right? As
(15:10):
somebody who's writing a memoir,I write in full paragraphs,
right when, when we read books,not all books, because
children's books, hello, orbooks that are writing in a
slightly different thing,poetry, whatever. But people who
write like usually novels, selfhelp books, memoirs, prose, we
write in actual full paragraphs,our brains are used to reading
(15:34):
sentence after sentence aftersentence after sentence after
sentence after sentence. Breaknew paragraphs, sentence after
sentence after set. I know thatmost people, they'll be like,
yeah, too long. Didn't read orlike, remember me? So I'm like,
okay, so what I do is I breakthings up.
You will notice, if you get anewsletter or an email from me,
(15:56):
I tend to write in like, onesentence chunks, because it
creates a lot of white space,and it helps people's eyes and
brains to, like, take it in. Andthere's no way. There's just
like, oh yeah, I can just readthat. When you give people
chunks of copy, it seems thesedays like they just can't handle
(16:17):
it right, and they won't readit. So I have these little
workarounds. And I stop before Igo to send an email, I stop and
I say, okay, how can I clearly,concisely, whatever, communicate
this to the best of my ability,make it so everything they need
is in this thing, right?
You would be amazed. Now, it'sone thing when I'm delivering
(16:41):
information, sometimes peoplemight have a follow up question
about, like, hey, like, like,just very things that are unique
to them, right? Like, hey, Ineed to leave a little early, or
is this okay if I do this? Like,I'm not talking about that. I'm
talking like, deliver theinformation. What makes me
mental. What makes me insane?Just little side by side by
(17:05):
here. Here's what makes memental when I'm trying to get
information from somebody, whenI'm trying to find out when a
thing is, how long it is, what'sgoing on, where's the thing? How
do we do whatever? When I'mtrying to extract information
and get something answers fromsomebody, I write to them in the
(17:29):
same exact way. I will bold it.I will sometimes use yellow
highlighter. Here are my threequestions, and I will number
them
when I tell you the amount oftimes that people either say
they're going to get back to meby a certain day and they don't,
and then they never get back tome. Like, maybe it's like,
(17:51):
whatever you have to, like,prompt them, prompt them, prompt
them, and I get it. People arebusy. Like, I get it, but either
they don't respond, or if theydo respond, they'll only answer
like, one question. I'm like,um, what about these other two?
Because now I'm gonna have to doa follow up email because you
(18:12):
didn't slow down and read whatI'm asking you. Now, I'm totally
fine if they say to me, Hey, allof these questions are answered
on the Q amp a page on mywebsite, here's the link. Or if
they even just say, go to mywebsite, you'll find it blah,
blah, blah. I'm like, great, aslong as I have access to it. But
(18:34):
most people do not stop beforethey start to respond and see
what this person is reallyasking of them.
People do not pause, they do notbreathe, they do not think, and
they do not be.
(18:55):
And my thing is, like, Iencourage people. I was just
talking to somebody on the phoneabout this the other day, I
encourage people try to putyourself in another person's
shoes. Try to put yourself onthe receiving end of this thing.
Try to imagine what it's like tobe the other person. And if we
(19:18):
could do that, not only would webe better communicators if we
stopped before we started, butwe would literally have a
different experience in theworld. I wish that so many
people in the world would stopand try to put themselves in
other people's shoes, because Ithink if we did that, and we
actually gave a shit, and weactually can, I know a lot of us
(19:42):
do, but half the countriesdoesn't seem to right. You know
what I'm talking about, we wouldbe a lot more compassionate if
we stop thinking about just meand mine and mine and ours, and
how my experience and what Iwant from my kids, my family, my
thing my religion, my people, mywhat we would.
Have a totally differentexperience, if people would just
(20:03):
stop, pause, breathe, be thinkabout these things. What do I
really want? How do I want theother person to feel? This is
the other thing, right that wehave to ask ourselves. It's
like, okay, how do I want themto feel? To be on the receiving
end of this. What do I want themto know?
(20:25):
How do I want them to feel? Whataction, if any, do I want them
to take?
If more of us did this, if moreof us communicated intentionally
and again, we can use, I justuse the example of sarcasm,
because that's easy. It's anautomatic it's an automatic
(20:47):
thing. I don't have to thinkabout being sarcastic. I don't
have to think about it like mybrain. I'm already my fingers
could just start typing before Ieven have, like, noticed, like
the smart ass thing that's aboutto come out of my mouth, right?
But I try to train my brain. Itry to train my mind, right, of
course, in miracles, says anuntrained mind, right? An
untrained mind can accomplishnothing.
(21:12):
And I don't want like, you know,in yoga, I think it was in the
Bhagavad Gita, but Swami Kripalusays it too.
It talks about, like, theconsequences of being yourself.
And when I think of that, inthis case, I'm talking about the
consequences of you being yourego personality, not the true
(21:32):
self who you really are, theeternal, loving, kind,
compassionate, happy, healthy,healed, whole, holy self. I'm
not talking about that capital Sself. I'm talking about this
little ego, personality, selfthat we tend to identify with,
this body, where we grew up, ourmoney, our people, our family,
our accents, our whatever, likeall of this is who I am. This is
who I am.
(21:55):
You're more than just who youare and how you were raised. You
know what I'm saying? There'smore to you than that, and
that's the thing that we want toreally stop before you start
just running down your patentAvenue, like right, your ways of
being that you've always done.We have an opportunity to renew,
to remake right when we talkabout this concept, and I don't
(22:17):
mean it religiously, but thisopportunity to be reborn, to
have a clean slate. Like, inevery moment we tend to think
about it, like on our birthdays,like, oh yeah, new personal New
New Year. And then, like,whether it's the Gregorian
calendar new year in January orthe Chinese New Year, whatever
it's like, oh yeah, clean slate,New Year. You could have a New
(22:37):
Year, New You in any moment whenyou decide to cut the shit and
stop before you start. And ofcourse, we can apply this to
stop before you start being lazyand break your word to yourself
and not get off your ass and gofor that walk stop before you
start drinking, before you pickthat shit up, before you start
light up that smoke, before youshove that Twinkie ho ho, you
(23:00):
know, Susie Q, cupcake thing inyour mouth stop before you
start.
And if you don't know how tostop, there's lots of tools out
there for doing that, right?
Lots of tools, lots of coaches.Meant, I'm raising my hand
Hello, mentors, people out therethat can help you, that can help
(23:20):
you to make different choices.My brother, my sister, choose
again. Choose differently thatis available to you at any time,
not if you don't stop first, notif you're not aware first, you
got to slow down, to go fast.You know what I'm saying? So I
think I'm going to end it there.I hope this was helpful in some
ways, just something that was onmy mind. I went for a walk run
(23:43):
earlier and and I was thinkingabout the show. And then again,
the text, but this is myspiritual team, stotj. They're
always helping me out with likeshow,
you know, show ideas and stufflike that. So I hope this was
helpful in some way for you. AndI super duper appreciate you if
you're still here, listen to thesound of my voice. Thank you for
being here. I hope you have afantastic rest of your day. And
(24:06):
like I said, if you ever want towork with me, I'm wicked easy to
find. You know, Karenkenney.com, just spell my last
name, right? K, e, n, n, e, y,and then you're there. It's
easy, right? Lots of ways to seewhat I'm up to, what I'm
offering, what's going on.
And, yeah, that's it. I got allkinds of stuff going on behind
the scenes. I've been doing alot of writing trying to get the
(24:28):
first draft of this memoirfinally done. I might be
offering some writing salons,some writing, little mini
writing, like, we could callthem workshops, but it's more
like, yeah, like salons, like weget together for like, two hours
and we write online. I might dosome in person here in New
Hampshire, but I might. I'm alsogoing to be offering them
online. So if you're a writer,or somebody who wants to write,
(24:50):
and you want to write incommunity
and etcetera, I'll be tellingyou more about that as well.
Okay, thank you so much forbeing here. I'm sending you lots
of love.
Uh, wherever you go. May youleave the animals, may you leave
the people, the environment, theplanet, and yourself better than
how you first found it whereveryou go. May you and your love,
(25:13):
your presence, your energy, youknow, your spirit, your heart,
like who you are. May it be ablessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so
much for listening to the show.I really love spending some time
together. Now, if you dig theshow or know someone that could
benefit from this episode,please share it with them and
help me to spread the good wordand the love. And if you want to
(25:36):
be in the know about all of myupcoming shenanigans, head on
over to Karen kenney.com/sign,
up and join my list. It'll bewicked fun to stay in touch.
Bye. You.
It's a Karen Kenney show.
Hey you guys. Welcome to theKaren Kenney show. I'm wicked
excited to be here, and I'mgonna do my best. I know I've
said it. I know I've saidbefore, but I'm really, really,
really, really, really gonna tryto keep this one short, short
(00:20):
and to the point short andsweet, with maybe a little bit
of spice. We'll see. Okay, so
as you know, I always use thisto have a little story or
something like the inspiration,like where the show came from. I
had my brain, my brain
come up with it. And as usual,it's just like everyday life,
like something happens in life,some universal thing kind of
(00:43):
happens. I make it personal, andthen I try to share universal,
spiritual principles that maybewill help us to just, you know,
basically, just get out of ourown way and stop being maybe a
little nicer to each other andleading with more love and
spreading more love in theworld. Okay, so, you know how,
like somebody like text messagesyou, or send you an email or
(01:06):
voicemail, or, what a voxel,like some, you know, WhatsApp,
some sort of communication.Well, I got a text like the
other day, and all of a sudden,
and all of a sudden, I foundmyself responding very quickly
with a little bit of sarcasm,like, trying to be funny, like,
because there's certain people,like, first of all, if you're a
(01:27):
New England kid or a mass hole,like, sarcasm is just like, it's
almost like a default mode.Sometimes you've practiced,
you've practiced that so oftenthat the neural network in your
brain, like that is a really, Ithink of it like being thick.
I'm like, That is a very welltraveled neural network to
respond with sarcasm. So but itwas really sarcasm to make the
(01:50):
other person laugh. But evenstill, like, I stopped myself.
And I stopped myself because, asI was saying, sarcasm is easy
for me, but that's not how Ialways want to respond. It's not
how I always want tocommunicate. Um. Now, don't get
me wrong, sometimes I like to bea little fresh, but you know,
(02:11):
just by knowing me, there'll betimes when I say to people, I'm
not being fresh. I said it allthe time. I'm not being fresh.
And I thought to myself, well,if you have to lead with, I'm
not being fresh to, like, putthem on alert, is that, because
you're fresh a lot.
Now, look, being fresh. Beingfresh is fun sometimes, but it's
(02:34):
not always the appropriatething, okay? But because sarcasm
is so, like, kind of automatedin my brain, and it can be a
very automated response, youknow, and you know, like, double
A minions, if you grew upanywhere, pretty much in, like,
New England, like, it'sguaranteed, right, that a lot of
people and I remember my sweetiesaying to me, we both lived out
(02:55):
in Los Angeles, we both livedout in California for long
periods of time. And he wassaying that when he first moved
out there, that his hisgirlfriend, one of his
girlfriends at the time, andpeople that he knew, like, they
just kind of didn't get, like,the whole sarcasm thing. Like,
to them, they're like, like,Why? Why is that even a thing?
Like, why would you want to talkto people that way? You know?
(03:16):
And I found this so fascinating.
And, you know, we get rewarded alot. We get rewarded a lot for
our sarcasm, for being fast, forbeing quick, for being witty,
for being like, being able tolike, like, like, you know, poke
the bear with the stick. I hate,actually, I hate, I don't like
that, but we know how to like,you know, like little zingers.
(03:36):
You know what I'm talking about.But here's the thing, as a
writer and as a communicator, Iwant to be more intentional with
my words. I want to, I want tonot just do things habitually.
You know, I think that there's alot of things that get patterned
into us that are really good,like learning how to drive a
(03:56):
car, riding a bike, tying ourshoes, being able to, like, do
certain things. You know,there's certain neural networks
that get created in our brains.We become so patterned and
habituated we can do thosethings without even thinking
like nobody, really, I shouldn'tsay nobody, most people really
don't have to think about whenthey go to brush their teeth,
right? We know how to do it.It's so automated, like, it's
(04:17):
like, we're little robots,right? But I want to be able to
stop and think about what I'mabout to say, what I'm about to
do, what I'm about tocommunicate. I want those
thoughts, words and actions toactually represent what's in my
hat, what's on my mind, like howI truly feel, how I want to be
in the world, not just from whatI've always done, or this is
(04:40):
just how it is. Or because Iwasn't thinking, You know what I
mean? Okay, so the other day, Iwas thinking about this, and I
was like, sometimes you justbetter stop before you start,
you know? And that's what Ithought to myself when I went to
text back, I was like, stopbefore you start running your
mouth. Stop before you start.In.
Making your little jokes stopbefore you say something that
(05:03):
you might you know, that mightget missing, misinterpreted or
it wasn't actually what youmeant, like stop before you
start getting yourself introuble type of a thing. You
know what I mean. And so Ithought that this could be
applied to greater
circumstances, and it could alsobe wicked helpful. So I'm going
to kind of come at this from acouple of different directions,
(05:25):
because I don't think enough ofus, especially in this day and
age of
of the internet and social mediaand whatever, and just people's
nervous systems like this is oneof the things I always say to
people like we are not meant tolive at the speed of gigabytes,
(05:46):
right? Like information travelsso fast these days, and people
have kind of becomeuncomfortable with having to
wait for a response. People areimpatient. People expect
immediacy, like right nowrespond. Do this thing? Faster,
faster, faster. I'm like, thoseare machines. Those are
(06:06):
computers, right? That's nothumans. Like, I always say,
like, I shouldn't have to, like,hurry up and respond because you
are, like, impatient, or, like,you throw an emergency in my
like, your emergency. You'retrying to make it by emergency?
I'm like, yeah, no. So the worldis moving at such a fast clip
(06:27):
that we sometimes just do thingsautomated. We don't even think
about it. And so my whole thingis about like, sometimes we just
got to stop. We got to put onthe brakes. So these are kind of
some of the things I ask myself
when I find myself about tolike, let's say, write an email,
make a post on social media,send out send out my newsletter,
(06:50):
do a podcast, talk to a friendbefore I open my big fat mouth,
something that I often say tomyself is, you better stop
before you Start. Right? So Iwant to ask myself these things
like, how's my nervous systemright now? Like, where's it at?
Where's my mind at? How am Ifeeling? Because sometimes, you
(07:12):
know, you know, in the indifferent like programs, like 12
step programs and stuff likethat, they'll often say to
people like, are you tired? Areyou hungry? Are you thirsty? Are
you lonely? You know whateverlike, what's going on inside of
you? Because before you make adecision that you can't unmake,
you know what I mean. You likeslow down and ask yourself,
(07:33):
like, what's going on inside ofyou? So I like to to make sure
that I am not responding orreacting to things from a place
of fear. I want to be able tochoose them from a place of
like, Yeah, this is a choicethat I'm consciously making. I'm
not just reacting from myhistory. I'm not reacting from
(07:53):
my trigger or my trauma. I'm notreacting from this is just how
I've always done it. If I havean attitude, like, sometimes you
need a little attitudeadjustment,
you know what I mean? So I'mlike, I want to be able to stop
and before, before I startrunning my mouth, before I start
typing with my little fingers,before I hit record. You know? I
(08:16):
want to be mindful. I want to bethinking about some shit. So
what's going on inside of me.Because if I'm feeling agitated,
if I'm feeling anxious, if I'mfeeling stressed, if I'm feeling
impatient, there is no doubtthat that is going to affect my
tone, my tone of voice. It'sgoing to affect my brevity, or
(08:38):
how long I write a thing, howfriendly I'm being, or how open
I'm being, how vulnerable andwarm and compassionate and
connecting. So if I'm offline,if my nervous system has been
hijacked and I'm in like, somesort of fear loop, or doing some
weird shit up in my brain and mybody's not feeling great, of
course, it's going to affect,like, how I respond, how I talk,
(08:59):
all those things. So I alwayslike to check in with myself and
say, like, okay, might it besmarter to wait a little bit to
send this sucker? Do you want towait till you get a good night's
rest? Right? Don't just makethis impulsive response. Don't
just make this impulsivedecision, like, stop before you
start and get yourself introuble. You know what I mean?
So that's number one. So numbertwo, we want to, like, just
(09:21):
like, pause and reflect beforewe take action. And some of the
things we want to consider,like, what's really the point of
this thing? Like, what's thepurpose of this thing? What's my
goal in my objective, with thiscommunication, with this
whatever I'm about to do thisaction I'm about to take,
(09:43):
like, think about like, what doyou really Excuse me? What do
you really want to have happen?What's the goal? What's the
objective? We don't control theoutcome 90 whatever, percent of
the time, but what we put intoit, how we start a thing is
sometimes, how we.
An end of things. So, like, ifwe're going to start it, we want
to be doing it from a place thatactually reflects, you know, the
(10:06):
thing we're going for, like, itis, is the outcome that I want,
is this thing I'm about tothink, say and do? Is it in
alignment with with thatpotential outcome? And we also
have to be thinking about thepotential consequences of not
stopping, like, just starting.Do you know what I mean? Because
a lot of times, like,
(10:27):
a lot of times, especiallyagain, when we go back to the
speed of information thing, youknow, you get a message, and you
don't even think, like,especially with, like, boxer or
something like that, can be alittle more stream of
consciousness, you know, like,when you can just hit record and
you can talk out loud for 15minutes uninterrupted, and the
person on the receiving endright has to just like, listen
(10:48):
to you go on and on and on andon and on. Now, I personally
don't mind getting longermessages, especially if they're
telling me good stories orthere's good points, or that
we're playing catch up, or we'rebrainstorming that. I don't mind
that. But there are times whenpeople just, like, run their
mouse without thinking, right?There's no it's like, put a
comma in your commentary, right?Just put a comma in your
(11:09):
commentary and pause for amoment. Okay, because we want to
be talking about, like, theconsequences that. But have you
thought about the goal, theoutcome, what you're really
trying to accomplish. And haveyou thought about the potential
consequences of what yourattitude, your tone of voice,
the words you're choosing, whatyou're about to say back right?
(11:30):
Did you stop before you started?And did you think about it? How
is this going to land for them?You know, we can't control how
other people respond, but we cancontrol when we send it, how we
send it, what words we choose,what we do, right with those
thoughts, those words and thoseactions. And here's just another
(11:52):
final one. I'm going to wrapthis up, because this is the
thing. So I find that I don'tknow if it's just you, I don't
know if you have this experiencetoo. Double A men hands, I try
to be a really thoughtfulcommunicator. So when I go to
send somebody an email,especially if I'm trying to
(12:13):
communicate important things tothem, like, for example, in the
nest, right? So my my spiritualmentoring group, program and
community. So we have callsevery other week. And so when I
send out the like, the time, I'mlike, All right, I need them to
know first of all, the call iscoming up this week. This is
(12:35):
what day it is, this is whattime it is, this is what how
long it is like. This is whereit's happening. Here's the Zoom
link, blah, blah, blah, blah,blah, here's what they're going
to need for the call. Try toshow up on whatever I think of
all the information that I'mtrying to communicate. And I
always say to myself, How can Imake this almost foolproof? How
(12:56):
can I make this so that therewill be no follow up questions?
How can I do work up frontthat's going to save me work on
the back end, because I was ashitty communicator. So here are
some of the tricks and toolsthat I use, and I'm going to
tell you what they are first,then I'm going to talk a little
bit about it. And so just sittight about the buckle up. Okay,
(13:19):
so when I'm sending an email,there's a couple of things that
I do. Number one, if I'm usuallysharing a lot of different
information, like a place, atime or whatever, a link, I
number them. I literally make itso their brain has to go number
one, okay, here's the date andthe time. Number two, here's how
(13:44):
long the thing is, or whateverit is, here's the location. This
is where the studio is. Like, Iliterally try to think of
everything. This is what you'regonna need to bring. Number
three, you know what I mean? Itry to really, really simplify
it.
I often will use bold in myemails because people don't pay
(14:06):
attention. Most people's mindsare moving so fast. This is the
generation right of like, TLDR,too long didn't read, which to
me, is just like, I don't thinkI've ever written that in my
life, except to reference itabout somebody else or something
else. I'm like, No, I will readeverything like I read the
(14:27):
things. No, why? Because I'm areader. I'm a reader and a
writer. I love words so like, Iwill read it. So many people
skim, so many people read fast.Don't really read. They half ass
read. They don't pay attention,whatever. So I already know, I
already know what the internet,social media, just people's
nervous systems, how everybody'skind of amped up, stressed out,
(14:50):
anxious, whatever. And so I'm,like, all right, I'm gonna try
to make this as clear aspossible, make it so that they
can't, like, miss it. I'm.
I will number things. I willwrite things in bold.
I will create space so as awriter, writer right? As
(15:10):
somebody who's writing a memoir,I write in full paragraphs,
right when, when we read books,not all books, because
children's books, hello, orbooks that are writing in a
slightly different thing,poetry, whatever. But people who
write like usually novels, selfhelp books, memoirs, prose, we
write in actual full paragraphs,our brains are used to reading
(15:34):
sentence after sentence aftersentence after sentence after
sentence after sentence. Breaknew paragraphs, sentence after
sentence after set. I know thatmost people, they'll be like,
yeah, too long. Didn't read orlike, remember me? So I'm like,
okay, so what I do is I breakthings up.
You will notice, if you get anewsletter or an email from me,
(15:56):
I tend to write in like, onesentence chunks, because it
creates a lot of white space,and it helps people's eyes and
brains to, like, take it in. Andthere's no way. There's just
like, oh yeah, I can just readthat. When you give people
chunks of copy, it seems thesedays like they just can't handle
(16:17):
it right, and they won't readit. So I have these little
workarounds. And I stop before Igo to send an email, I stop and
I say, okay, how can I clearly,concisely, whatever, communicate
this to the best of my ability,make it so everything they need
is in this thing, right?
You would be amazed. Now, it'sone thing when I'm delivering
(16:41):
information, sometimes peoplemight have a follow up question
about, like, hey, like, like,just very things that are unique
to them, right? Like, hey, Ineed to leave a little early, or
is this okay if I do this? Like,I'm not talking about that. I'm
talking like, deliver theinformation. What makes me
mental. What makes me insane?Just little side by side by
(17:05):
here. Here's what makes memental when I'm trying to get
information from somebody, whenI'm trying to find out when a
thing is, how long it is, what'sgoing on, where's the thing? How
do we do whatever? When I'mtrying to extract information
and get something answers fromsomebody, I write to them in the
(17:29):
same exact way. I will bold it.I will sometimes use yellow
highlighter. Here are my threequestions, and I will number
them
when I tell you the amount oftimes that people either say
they're going to get back to meby a certain day and they don't,
and then they never get back tome. Like, maybe it's like,
(17:51):
whatever you have to, like,prompt them, prompt them, prompt
them, and I get it. People arebusy. Like, I get it, but either
they don't respond, or if theydo respond, they'll only answer
like, one question. I'm like,um, what about these other two?
Because now I'm gonna have to doa follow up email because you
(18:12):
didn't slow down and read whatI'm asking you. Now, I'm totally
fine if they say to me, Hey, allof these questions are answered
on the Q amp a page on mywebsite, here's the link. Or if
they even just say, go to mywebsite, you'll find it blah,
blah, blah. I'm like, great, aslong as I have access to it. But
(18:34):
most people do not stop beforethey start to respond and see
what this person is reallyasking of them.
People do not pause, they do notbreathe, they do not think, and
they do not be.
(18:55):
And my thing is, like, Iencourage people. I was just
talking to somebody on the phoneabout this the other day, I
encourage people try to putyourself in another person's
shoes. Try to put yourself onthe receiving end of this thing.
Try to imagine what it's like tobe the other person. And if we
(19:18):
could do that, not only would webe better communicators if we
stopped before we started, butwe would literally have a
different experience in theworld. I wish that so many
people in the world would stopand try to put themselves in
other people's shoes, because Ithink if we did that, and we
actually gave a shit, and weactually can, I know a lot of us
(19:42):
do, but half the countriesdoesn't seem to right. You know
what I'm talking about, we wouldbe a lot more compassionate if
we stop thinking about just meand mine and mine and ours, and
how my experience and what Iwant from my kids, my family, my
thing my religion, my people, mywhat we would.
Have a totally differentexperience, if people would just
(20:03):
stop, pause, breathe, be thinkabout these things. What do I
really want? How do I want theother person to feel? This is
the other thing, right that wehave to ask ourselves. It's
like, okay, how do I want themto feel? To be on the receiving
end of this. What do I want themto know?
(20:25):
How do I want them to feel? Whataction, if any, do I want them
to take?
If more of us did this, if moreof us communicated intentionally
and again, we can use, I justuse the example of sarcasm,
because that's easy. It's anautomatic it's an automatic
(20:47):
thing. I don't have to thinkabout being sarcastic. I don't
have to think about it like mybrain. I'm already my fingers
could just start typing before Ieven have, like, noticed, like
the smart ass thing that's aboutto come out of my mouth, right?
But I try to train my brain. Itry to train my mind, right, of
course, in miracles, says anuntrained mind, right? An
untrained mind can accomplishnothing.
(21:12):
And I don't want like, you know,in yoga, I think it was in the
Bhagavad Gita, but Swami Kripalusays it too.
It talks about, like, theconsequences of being yourself.
And when I think of that, inthis case, I'm talking about the
consequences of you being yourego personality, not the true
(21:32):
self who you really are, theeternal, loving, kind,
compassionate, happy, healthy,healed, whole, holy self. I'm
not talking about that capital Sself. I'm talking about this
little ego, personality, selfthat we tend to identify with,
this body, where we grew up, ourmoney, our people, our family,
our accents, our whatever, likeall of this is who I am. This is
who I am.
(21:55):
You're more than just who youare and how you were raised. You
know what I'm saying? There'smore to you than that, and
that's the thing that we want toreally stop before you start
just running down your patentAvenue, like right, your ways of
being that you've always done.We have an opportunity to renew,
to remake right when we talkabout this concept, and I don't
(22:17):
mean it religiously, but thisopportunity to be reborn, to
have a clean slate. Like, inevery moment we tend to think
about it, like on our birthdays,like, oh yeah, new personal New
New Year. And then, like,whether it's the Gregorian
calendar new year in January orthe Chinese New Year, whatever
it's like, oh yeah, clean slate,New Year. You could have a New
(22:37):
Year, New You in any moment whenyou decide to cut the shit and
stop before you start. And ofcourse, we can apply this to
stop before you start being lazyand break your word to yourself
and not get off your ass and gofor that walk stop before you
start drinking, before you pickthat shit up, before you start
light up that smoke, before youshove that Twinkie ho ho, you
(23:00):
know, Susie Q, cupcake thing inyour mouth stop before you
start.
And if you don't know how tostop, there's lots of tools out
there for doing that, right?
Lots of tools, lots of coaches.Meant, I'm raising my hand
Hello, mentors, people out therethat can help you, that can help
(23:20):
you to make different choices.My brother, my sister, choose
again. Choose differently thatis available to you at any time,
not if you don't stop first, notif you're not aware first, you
got to slow down, to go fast.You know what I'm saying? So I
think I'm going to end it there.I hope this was helpful in some
ways, just something that was onmy mind. I went for a walk run
(23:43):
earlier and and I was thinkingabout the show. And then again,
the text, but this is myspiritual team, stotj. They're
always helping me out with likeshow,
you know, show ideas and stufflike that. So I hope this was
helpful in some way for you. AndI super duper appreciate you if
you're still here, listen to thesound of my voice. Thank you for
being here. I hope you have afantastic rest of your day. And
(24:06):
like I said, if you ever want towork with me, I'm wicked easy to
find. You know, Karenkenney.com, just spell my last
name, right? K, e, n, n, e, y,and then you're there. It's
easy, right? Lots of ways to seewhat I'm up to, what I'm
offering, what's going on.
And, yeah, that's it. I got allkinds of stuff going on behind
the scenes. I've been doing alot of writing trying to get the
(24:28):
first draft of this memoirfinally done. I might be
offering some writing salons,some writing, little mini
writing, like, we could callthem workshops, but it's more
like, yeah, like salons, like weget together for like, two hours
and we write online. I might dosome in person here in New
Hampshire, but I might. I'm alsogoing to be offering them
online. So if you're a writer,or somebody who wants to write,
(24:50):
and you want to write incommunity
and etcetera, I'll be tellingyou more about that as well.
Okay, thank you so much forbeing here. I'm sending you lots
of love.
Uh, wherever you go. May youleave the animals, may you leave
the people, the environment, theplanet, and yourself better than
how you first found it whereveryou go. May you and your love,
(25:13):
your presence, your energy, youknow, your spirit, your heart,
like who you are. May it be ablessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so
much for listening to the show.I really love spending some time
together. Now, if you dig theshow or know someone that could
benefit from this episode,please share it with them and
help me to spread the good wordand the love. And if you want to
(25:36):
be in the know about all of myupcoming shenanigans, head on
over to Karen kenney.com/sign,
up and join my list. It'll bewicked fun to stay in touch.
Bye. You.
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