March 26, 2025 • 38 mins
Situational Awareness for Family Safety with Gary Quesenberry
In this episode of The Secure Family Podcast, host Andy explores the importance of self-protection and family safety. Joined by retired Air Marshal and author Gary Quesenberry, they discuss practical ways to teach children situational awareness and the value of intuition in identifying danger.
The conversation covers everything from online safety to avoiding bullying. Additionally, Gary shares insights about his new fiction book, "Homecoming," which integrates principles of situational awareness into an engaging thriller.
For more from Gary Quesenberry: https://garyquesenberry.com/
Watch the Interview with Gary: https://youtu.be/jOFU2saytqk
Take control of your data with DeleteMe. Because they sponsor the podcast you can get 20% off a privacy plan from DeleteMe with promo code: DAD.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:09):
This is The Secure Family Podcast.
Welcome friend, I'm Andy Murphy, thehost and founder of The Secure Dad.
This show is all about empowering parentsto protect themselves and their family.
I believe that security isthe foundation of happiness.
I want your family to be safe and happy.
The information I share on this podcastis for general information purposes only.
(00:32):
My goal is to empower you to make saferdecisions for yourself and your family.
Because our safety isour own responsibility.
Today I get to talk to a retiredAir Marshal about safety skills
that we can teach our kids tohelp them spot and avoid danger.
All of that and more coming upon The Secure Family Podcast.
(00:56):
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(03:13):
There's a link for you intoday's podcast show notes.
Today my guest is Gary Quesenberry.
Gary joined the Army at theage of 17, where he served
during Operation Desert Storm.
Later after the events of nine11, Gary went to work as a
federal air marshal in 2020.
Gary retired from federal law enforcementand is now the author of several
(03:33):
books about situational awareness.
You may recognize Gary as he'sbeen featured on the History
Channel's Top Shot season three,and then on Top Shot All Stars.
Here's my conversationwith Gary Quesenberry.
(03:53):
Gary, thank you so muchfor being on the show.
Again, remind everybody whoyou are and what you do.
Well, it's my pleasure to be hereand, uh, my name's Gary Quesenberry.
I am a retired federal airmarshal, uh, army veteran back
during Operation Desert Storm.
And, uh, I just retired in2020 and now I'm a writer.
You know, I've got four, uh, fictionor nonfiction books out in the
Situational awareness series thatwe're gonna talk about, and I'm
(04:16):
about to release, uh, my first forayinto the fiction realm as well.
So.
Very cool.
I, um, I sent an email to my audiencenot long ago and I was just, you know,
kind of getting their feel on howThe Secure Family Podcast was going,
especially after the rebrand in January.
And I was, I just added like,Hey, who's a guest that you wanna
see on the show in the future?
(04:36):
And you were one of, uh, acouple of names that was given.
So I was like, Hey, that's really cool.
Somebody had read your situationalawareness books and wanted, you
know, you to be on the show.
And I was also thinking like, well,you know, he's been on the show before.
I wonder if they know that one'sthere, but you know, since it's
anonymous, I can't like tell.
But you were here today andthat is what's important.
Well,
and talk
recommended for it.
(04:57):
I appreciate it.
Oh yeah, man.
For all I know you did, did you do it?
Did you fill it out?
it wasn't
Okay.
All right.
Wasn't you all right?
That's cool.
Um, so we're gonna talk today aboutyour situational awareness, your
nonfiction books, your series there.
What, what motivated you to do this?
What made, motivated you to to write allthese books on situational awareness?
(05:18):
You know, it started off like, you know,I was an instructor for the federal Air
Marshal service at the National Academyfor about three years, and, uh, taught
a lot of classes, primarily firearms,but I was also certified in defensive
measures, mission tactics, the PT stuff.
I. The legal, like the whole,the whole gamut I had under my
belt by the time I left there.
uh, I started teaching kind of on theside on my own, some firearms classes.
(05:41):
And I've always been the type of guy,whether I'm teaching hand-to-hand
stuff or firearms or whatever, youknow, I feel like situational awareness
is one of the most important aspectsof personal safety and self-defense.
You can't effectively fight.
What you don't see coming, right?
If they get the drop on you, they'vegot the drop on you and you know that
never works out well 'cause you'realways working from a place of reaction.
(06:02):
So anyway.
I'm teaching thesecourses, firearms courses.
I'm talking a lot about situationalawareness and, and after the class
that really resonated with everybodyand you know, I made some pretty good
points during the class and they wantedme to put something together that was
specifically like a, you know, maybe ahalf a day, three hour course, something
like that, just on situational awareness.
(06:23):
So at the time I was stillworking as near Marshall.
And while I was flying, I don'tlike to have a lot of stuff
spread out in front of me.
So I just had my little notebookand my pen, you know, and I would,
uh, make notes and bullet points onthings that I wanted to talk about.
And the more I looked at that, themore I started realizing that it
looked like a table of contents.
the class went over really well.
I felt like the information wasvaluable and, and, you know.
(06:46):
Kind of helped everybodyout that attended.
I decided that I was gonna takethose little bullet points that I put
together for the class and on flights,I would just start filling 'em in.
You know, like bullet 0.1 is, youknow, let's just say for instance
the, the mindset, predatory mindset,like how the predators think.
Mm-hmm.
writing as much as I could aboutthat, you know, doing a little
research on things to fill in thegaps of stuff I didn't know and.
(07:09):
Before you know it, like withinsix, eight months I had a book.
You know, at least, at leastI had a manuscript and I
started shopping that around.
Then it got picked up by YMAApublications who published primarily
self-defense books, and then itturned into a four book series and
that's how, that's how it all started.
Okay.
cool.
So you have written a specificbook for teaching situational
(07:31):
awareness to your kids, and that's.
Really, you know, kind ofwhat I wanna focus on today.
But before we kind of get to that aspectof it, you know, from adult to adult
here, kind of give us your definition,your, your life experience definition
of what situational awareness is.
Okay.
Well, to me, situational awareness isyour ability, you know, as an individual
(07:53):
to read environmental cues, right?
Because your environment is alwaystalking to you, it's always giving you
cues, and then to be able to decipherthose cues, I. Pick out things that rise,
rise above what we call an establishedbaseline that could, that could possibly
point to a dangerous situation, and thenhave the skillset you need to get away
(08:14):
from that situation before it manifests.
So it's kinda like, you know,CN into the future a little bit.
Like, these signs over here point tobad things, so I'm gonna go over here.
You know, it's just, it's that easy.
Right.
Right.
And And that makes sense.
'cause a lot of times,you know, you're just.
Teaching people to avoid danger.
You're not teaching them like, oh, allof a sudden you need to become a ninja
(08:37):
who can fight off 10 people at once.
That's not realistic.
It's really like, Hey, let's just seewhat's coming and learn how to respond.
Right.
I.
Exactly, and that's whereeverybody should be starting.
I don't care, you know, what levelof competence you have in either,
you know, hand to hand combat or youknow, firearms and things like that.
Without that situational awarenesspiece, everything else becomes
(08:57):
exponentially more difficult.
If you're not learning to readthose environmental cues, paying
attention to what's going around,gone around you, so that you can
make those lifesaving decisions.
Like ahead of time.
You don't have to do it inthe middle of a fight, right?
You need
Right.
that little bit of a, a, a buffer.
And that's why I call it the Heads Upseries is because you're giving yourself
a heads up that most people don't have.
(09:18):
If you employ these things that I writeabout in these books and it, you know,
those, those fractions of seconds is whatcounts and a life and death situation.
Absolutely.
So, I mean, this is a really a bigthing that requires a lot of moving
parts and a lot of thought, is it evenpossible to teach this to our kids?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, but the, the thing is,it's gonna be a lot different than it
(09:41):
I.
me talking to a classroom full ofadults about situational awareness.
And you know, like you said, there,there's four books in the series.
There's the first one, spottingDanger Before It Spot You, which
is, you know, just the nuts andbolts of situational awareness.
And then I moved on to the one.
For kids, and this isn't a kid'sbook, it's for adults who have younger
Correct.
the
Yes.
(10:01):
and 12.
And then there's a book for parentsthat are dealing with teens, and
then there's a book for travelersspotting danger for travelers.
And that was kind of my breadand butter as an air marshal.
But as far as the kid one goes,you know, you're not gonna set.
6-year-old down and say, Hey, we'regonna have a little chat about
situational awareness and expect toget any kind of buy-in from that child.
(10:22):
Right?
So you, you have to know your audience.
I've got three kids, you know, mywife and I have raised three kids,
and they're all grown now and doingtheir own thing off in the world.
But we raised them to be situationallyaware because of some things that
happened, you know, when, uh.
You know, when I was working as an airmarshal, that was important for them to
understand what situational awarenesswas and what it meant to their safety.
(10:43):
So in order for us to teach them thosethings, we started just getting them
to engage with their environment.
So the first, that means gettingyour head out of tablets and
cell phones, which at the time wedidn't have that problem back then.
Right.
Right.
you know, as we go on, it becomesmore and more of a problem, but.
Just getting them to engage withtheir environment, asking them
questions about their environment,playing little games with them.
(11:06):
One of the best games you canplay with a kid, like, you know,
a four, 6-year-old is, is I spy.
I. know, get their head up when you'rein the car seat going down the road,
you know, start playing I spa orspotting different license plates,
different colors, you know, dependingon the age group and stuff like that.
And it kind of opens their eyesto their environment and gets
them interacting with it and thencommunicating what they see to you.
(11:29):
And that's basically the foundationfor situational awareness when you're
trying to instill that in a child,is just have them active with their
environment and know how to communicatewhat they're seeing to you as an adult.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
One of the, uh, the games that I usedto play with my son when he was real
little, he was learning to count and Iwould tell him, you know, we went into
like a restaurant or something likethat, you know, let's play the game,
(11:50):
count the doors, and I would get him upand looking and, and not just counting
like the front door that we came in.
Where's the door to the kitchen?
Is there a door to the bathroom?
Is there a door to the back of thebuilding where the deliveries come in?
That sort of stuff.
And so we would do that a lot.
And so we came into a restaurant onetime and I sat down at the table and
(12:10):
I asked him, okay, I count the doors.
And he was like, six I.
Like, didn't count, didn't do anything.
It's like six.
I was like, how do you know?
Because I counted before we sat downand I thought, all right, it's working.
It's working.
So, yeah.
So, um, yeah, next time we go out toeat, I'm gonna, I haven't, I haven't
played that game with him in a whilebecause he's very good at accounting now.
Um, but I'll see if he remembers it and ifhe's still doing it or not, but yeah, just
(12:33):
I'll tell you how to likestart building on that.
sure.
like we right now, like three daysa week we watch my nephew, he's four
years old and he's very proud ofhimself 'cause he can count to 20 now.
Right.
Awesome.
but
He's doing better than me.
And in my books, you know, like even inthe, the, the, the more adult ones, like
the first one where it's specifically foradults wanting to improve their safety.
I talk about counting and how
(12:55):
Mm-hmm.
it is.
And even as adults, if we'recounting something like the number
of cars in a parking lot, how manyof those cars are running, you
know, how many exits do I see?
How many improvised weapons arewithin arm's reach of me right now?
Those type things.
When, when you as an adult are counting.
The one thing that that does for you isit keeps your head up and it keeps it
moving around because I'm looking forthings, and when it comes to predatory
(13:19):
mindset, they're looking for thatperson that isn't paying attention.
That person, that's the soft target, whohas their head buried in their phone, or
they're distracted by 15 other things.
So something as simple as a countinggame even for adults raises your
awareness and makes you look to apredator like more of a hard target.
So even if you've got the numberwrong, just the action of doing it.
(13:41):
Helps increase your personal safety.
Yeah, absolutely.
Just getting your head up and lookingaround, like you were saying, I've been
in lots of environments and I'm sure thisis the exact same way for you where I am
the only person not looking in my phone.
Like, there's actually a timethat I will actually hold my phone
in my hand so that I don't lookincredibly different than everybody
else, but it's just kind of there.
(14:02):
I'm not really looking at itand I feel like, oh shoot, now
I stand out because I'm the onewho's not looking at the phone.
Do you ever feel that way?
Oh, absolutely.
And, and you know, like I, when, when Iwas flying, cell phones, I remember the
first time I saw somebody with an earbud.
I didn't know what that was.
A
Hmm
earbud, you know,
mm-hmm.
uh.
I thought this person was a lunatic.
'cause they're just storming upand down the, the terminal, you
(14:24):
know, screaming and I'm like, oh,I gotta keep an eye on this guy.
Then I realized he's on thephone, you know, he's having a
conversation on the cell phone.
So as technology changes,your awareness changes.
But the one thing that'snever gonna, I. Hamper you.
It's just putting the phone away.
You know,
Mm-hmm.
for something specific likeyou're injured, you gotta find
a hospital and you're looking tofind out where the nearest one
is, that's a different situation.
(14:46):
But just in general, like I've got a, awhole folder full of pictures on my phone
from when I was flying of an entire.
Boarding area with a hundred peoplein there, and it would be almost
impossible to find one that isn'tlooking down at some sort of a device.
know, it's, it's uh, you know, it's,it's, it's just kind of our new norm.
(15:06):
And,
yeah.
I talk in my books about baselinebehaviors and baselines can change
based on technology as well.
It used to be baseline behavior foran airport was, you know, people
sitting around having conversationsbefore cell phones, you know, or.
They would go to the little payphonesand wait in line if they had to get
ahold of somebody to let them knowthat they made it to the airport.
Okay.
(15:27):
But as time changes, youknow, your baseline changes.
So now it's perfectly normal for you tolook around your environment and just see
everybody with their head buried down.
I. What would be a baselineanomaly at this point?
Something that you'd needto like pay attention to is
someone who doesn't do that.
You know, somebody whose headis up and looking around.
So like when I was working as an airmarshal, we'd be in a different airport.
(15:49):
Say I'm in Charlotte or Denver orsomewhere that, you know, I don't
necessarily work, so I don't know theair marshals that worked that area.
I could sit in a jet way and you couldtell who was law enforcement and who
wasn't because, and nine times out of10, the law enforcement ones are the ones
that are sitting there looking around.
You know, and everybody else is in there.
So it's either that orit's a bad guy who's
Mm-hmm.
(16:10):
next target because he knowsnobody else is paying attention.
And it's just, you know,it's the way things are now.
in some
Right.
for people that are trying to spotdangerous situations, it's a little
helpful because everybody with their headsburied in their phone, you can pretty
much write them off as a non entity.
You know, when it comes to athreatening situation, they're, they
don't know what's gonna be going on.
They're just gonna be completely reactive.
(16:32):
So it's, uh.
It's a weird state of affairs, man, butit's the way the world is now, I suppose.
Right.
And you know, we're heading that way.
We're more and more digital integrationinto our lives and all that sort of stuff.
So it'll be kind of interestingto see, uh, how this turns out.
But you're right.
You're like, we needto teach our kids that.
Like when you're in public, youdon't put your face in your phone.
(16:52):
You need to be up and looking around,which is where like all these games
come into play for the people whoare, who are listening, who are like,
Hey, this sounds like a good idea.
But I don't wanna scare my kid.
I don't want to like,ruin their innocence.
'cause I think every, every parentis afraid that they're gonna be the
one that ruins their kid's innocence.
Um, what do you tell to parentswho are like, I'm not sure
(17:15):
that this is right for my kid.
I'm not sure I know how to do it.
I'm a little afraid to broach the subject.
How do you help that person?
I mean, you can do itwithout instilling fear.
And I'm a big proponent of the fact that,you know, fear is no way to teach a child.
Hmm.
know, I've never been the type of parentthat would be, you know, like, like.
my, don't, don't do that.
(17:35):
You know, like, let let 'emfigure it out kind of thing.
Unless it's like super dangerous.
I know they're gonna get hurt,of course I'm gonna stop 'em.
But, uh.
The fear thing when you're playingthose games, you don't have to
tell your child that you're, you'replaying this game because there's a
bunch of bad people in the world whowould hurt you if you, you know, if
(17:55):
Mm-hmm.
and I'm trying to protect you from that.
They don't need to know that part.
know, as long as you're keepingtheir head up, you're keeping 'em
engaged with their environment.
And then once they get past the countinggames and the exits and stuff like that,
you can start doing things like talkingto them about they felt about people.
Like when, you know when, when thatguy at the checkout counter at the
(18:18):
grocery store was talking to you,did that give you a good feeling
or did that give you a bad feeling?
Did that person seem happy?
Did they seem mad?
You know, so that they canstart recognizing emotions and
motives and people as well.
And then from that.
Then you progress intothe communication piece.
Like, and you don't haveto make them afraid.
You can just tell them if there'sever a time when the person that's
(18:40):
interacting with you makes you feelscared or they make you feel, you
know, anxious or like you need tocreate some space or something,
it's okay for you to bring that up.
And if you need to communicate stuffwith me like that, you know, it's.
I'm here and I'm hereto help you of thing.
So it's, you know, you go from theplaying the games and making it fun
and keeping them engaged with theirenvironment to learning how to monitor
(19:03):
baselines and people's behaviors andtheir, you know, their, their kind
of their moods and stuff like that,because that's part of the baseline.
And then you progress into thecommunication stage where when
things do feel off, they can talkto you about it and explain to
you why they feel the way they do.
And then you can take it fromthere as a parent, right.
Oh yeah, for sure.
(19:23):
And you know that open communicationis gonna help, you know, in everything
in your parent child relationship.
So yeah, like absolutely.
getting older.
You know, teenagers and stuff areincredibly hard to communicate with, so,
right.
that early and it's gonna change so you
Mm-hmm.
change when you know, mom anddad's not really that cool anymore,
but as long as they understand,you know, why you're doing it.
(19:45):
And that it's for them.
I, there may be things that theydon't want to tell you, but I believe
with all my heart because I've seenit happen with my own children when
they, when, when you raise them thatway and then they genuinely feel
that their safety, Is in jeopardy.
They will come to you with it.
You know?
And as long as you've kept that openline of communication, you've never
tried to make them afraid or youknow, you've never been harsh on them.
(20:09):
If they made a mistake when it comes totheir situation where you don't wanna
be hard on 'em, because then that'sgonna start making them not want.
You know, to keep thatline of communication open.
So, you know, it's, it's a balancingact, you know, as a parent,
you know that as well as I do.
But, you know, I think that that thosethree things, you know, making it fun,
you know, not, not using things as afear-based tool to keep them safe, and
(20:31):
then opening those lines of communication,those are the most important
things that you can do as a parent.
Absolutely.
I like that a lot.
I like that a lot.
Let's talk about bullying for a second.
How can teaching your kids to beaware help them to avoid being a
target of bullying or see it coming?
I.
Well, okay, so you know, like when Iwas growing up, I joined the Army in 88.
(20:56):
And I was six foot tall and138 pounds, you know, so I was
about as big around as my thumb.
Now, now I was like that growing upall the way, so I, you know, I had
my fair share of bullies growing up.
Right.
Uh.
And you know, I always thinkabout the movie Karate Kid and
Mm-hmm.
Miyagi told Daniel that, you know, thebest way to win a fight is no be there.
(21:17):
So we talk about establishingbaseline patterns.
Well, bullies are the same way.
You know, bullies have patterns.
if you can teach your child toidentify those patterns, you know,
where's this kid gonna be when, right.
If you know they're gonna bethere and when they're gonna
be there, then don't be there.
Right.
So there's just, youknow, I think at that age.
(21:37):
When, you know, whenthe bullying thing is,
Mm-hmm.
kind of so prevalent in their lifeat school that it's, uh, know, it's
important for them to understand the,the, the, uh, the ways to get around it.
You know, the avoidance techniques Ithink are the most important thing.
However, you know, we were talkingabout earlier, you know, as technology
(21:58):
progresses, you know, you look atonline bullying now, and that is
the most ruthless, relentless, youknow, like when I was growing up.
get bullied at school.
That's okay.
I come home and I'm fine.
You know,
Yeah.
little brother, I've got my friends,you know, we're outside playing,
we're riding bikes or whatever.
And I didn't have toworry about the bullies.
They weren't there.
(22:18):
But now, you know, kids comehome, they get on their phones or
checking their social medias, andthen there's the bullies again.
So there's really not, and andmy children dealt with that
when they were in high school.
'cause social media at that point hadkind of blown up, you know, and they
did have cell phones and, you know,they were prone to that type of thing.
So at that point, it's, it's more aboutthe communication piece again, than
(22:39):
it is the, the avoidance techniquesthat you wanna teach 'em when they're
physically confronted by a bully.
Mm-hmm.
So
that's a great point, man.
Like bullying is, it'salmost 24 hours now.
You know?
It's almost everywhere because it canhappen, you know, at school, it can happen
online, just like you were talking about.
So, yeah, again, and also likeI. You're an observant person.
(23:00):
You also, as a parent, have toobserve your kids and realize
when something is off, it's notalways on them to come to you.
Right?
You can.
You can go to them when yourealize, Hey, they're not
looking at their phone anymore.
They're not mentioningthis person's name anymore.
Something's wrong.
Exactly, and that's, that's thewhole baseline behavior thing.
You know, we, you know,not just your environment.
(23:21):
Not, not just environments havebaselines, but people as well,
individuals have baselines.
Like I know people that are justalways angry, you know, and if I ever
saw that person and they were happy,I would think something was off.
you know, they're violatingtheir own baseline behavior.
And it's the same thing with your kids.
You know, they have certain moodsthat they're gonna go through,
especially as teenagers and stuff.
(23:43):
But like you said, if, you know, ifthey're best friends with somebody and
all of a sudden that person's not comingaround, they're not talking, they're
keeping their phone away and stuff, youknow, that's something to keep an eye on.
As a parent E, each one of your childrenis gonna have their own individual
baseline, and as a parent you need to knowwhat that is and be able to spot things
that are kind of falling outside thatbaseline so that you know when it's time
(24:03):
to start opening up that communicationchannel and addressing those issues.
That's very good.
That, that, that's awesome, man.
Um, go ahead and tell us some ofthe red flags that we need to teach
our kids to look for when they're inpublic, like at school, at a mall, just
something in the environment that's off.
What is something that we cankind of teach kids now that
(24:24):
they'll recognize in the future?
Well, the one thing that that,you know, I always try to teach my
kids, and we used to do this a lotwhen we'd walk around the mall.
We lived in New Jersey for a while andthere was a Hamilton Mall there, you know,
where we lived outside of Atlantic City.
And it was a great place to teachkids about situational awareness.
you know, some of the redflags and stuff is people that
just seem erratic, you know,
(24:44):
Mm.
Or, you know, if you get, and I alwaystaught my kids one of the most important
things that you can teach your child,'cause I've always said that you can
trust the intuition of horses andchildren more than anything else, right?
So if, if, if your child tellsyou they got a bad feeling about
somebody, that person couldbe your best friend, trust me.
You need to start looking into it.
(25:04):
you know when, whenever, when childrenare very in tune to that type thing.
So if they get a bad feeling aboutsomebody, that's something I always
told them to pay attention to.
if they were out and about.
That's one of the red flags.
Like if somebody just looked at thema certain way or spoke to them when
I wasn't paying attention or my wifewasn't paying attention and it gave them
a certain feeling, you know, that's thefirst red flag that that bad feeling.
(25:28):
If you get a bad feeling aboutsomething, that's your red flag.
You need to tell us you know why, butwhat it was and why, and we'll get you
away from that situation if we need to.
you know, just little things like that.
Listen to your intuition.
Uh, other red flags would be, youknow, adults that are initiating
conversations with underage children,just kind of out of the blue.
(25:50):
You know, I've always told my kidsthat unless you're lost or you're
seeking help, there's not an adultin the world that needs to just come
up and start a conversation with you.
Right?
Unless you're in.
Like Claire's looking for a pairof earrings and the girl behind
the counter wants to help you out.
That's different, you know, it'sall situational based, but, you
know, unsolicited conversationquestions, you know, uh, please
(26:11):
for help thing from an adult.
An adult doesn't need a six yearold's help to do anything, right?
So there's certain little, andthen listening to that intuition,
know, those things are what'llkeep your younger children safe.
And help them make betterdecisions as they get older.
Like you can see thatprogression in your kids.
I played those games with my children whenthey were young and then when they became
(26:31):
teens, we'd walk around that same malland every now and then, you know, my, my
daughter, my oldest daughter would likeelbow me and be like, look at that kid.
Be conditioned white,doesn't know what's going on.
Right.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're right.
And you don't wanna be incondition white, right.
And new.
Mm.
it's uh, you know, little thingslike that, just teaching them.
You know what, what to look out for thosered flags like we just discussed and
(26:55):
then, and then us as parents watchingthem and their reaction to things so
that we can keep that communication.
Right.
And, you know, teaching kids that theirintuition is important, is big, but I,
I can see this as, you know, as I'm.
Inevitably growing older, the more I,my intuition talks to me sometimes I
want to just quiet that little voiceand say, oh no, you're not right either,
(27:19):
because I wanna deny what I'm seeing.
Or sometimes it's like, oh, I'm makingan unfair assumption about this person.
Like I'm being politicallycorrect in my own head.
How do we teach our kids toreally, truly listen to this voice?
'cause it, it's going to helpthem in the future and not to
suppress it like adults try to.
You know, when my kids were little,I used to tell 'em all the time, and
(27:40):
this was something that was told tome by an instructor, you know years
ago, is that we are the only animalson the planet that will look danger.
Like obvious danger straight in theface, and then try to rationalize
it you know, you could be in themiddle of, of, of being attacked.
And sometimes, you know, they, they'vedone interviews with people and I've
(28:01):
personally talked to people who theirfirst inclination is to be like,
well, I don't know what I did wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Right.
This isn't your fault, you were attacked.
So, uh.
We're the only, we're the onlyanimals on the planet that do that.
And, and when I, when my kids werelittle and I wanted to talk to them
about the importance of intuition, youknow, one of the fun things that we used
(28:24):
to do all the time, my kids love it.
My little nephew that we watchnow, he loves it as well.
We watch these documentaries on,on the Disney Channel and stuff.
'cause they're a littlemore kid friendly, you know?
And, uh.
You know, you see a bunch of zebrasat a watering hole and all of a
sudden, here come a couple lion thatsays, walking across those zebras
aren't hanging around, you know,wondering what they're doing there.
They're getting out, right?
(28:44):
They, they, they see dangerand they get away from it.
You know?
So one of the biggest things that youcan teach your children is, you know,
when you get that bad feeling, it's kindalike that little animal instinct in you.
Like, you've got that in you too.
Just like those zebras do.
Right, and when you seesomething that gives you a bad
feeling, it might not be a lion.
It might just be some dude at acheckout counter in a grocery store.
(29:06):
But you need to get away fromthat or tell mom and dad, you
know, so that we can handle it.
And it's, uh, it's, IM, that, that'sthe way that we always did it to try
to get them in tune with that intuitionis to kind of tie it to something that
they were familiar with, like thosedocumentaries and stuff and, 'cause they
can see that, they can see the reactions,you know, to dangerous situations.
And then when they startunderstanding that.
(29:26):
We need to be the same way if weintend to keep ourselves safe.
That's not saying Every time youknow, you see something that you're
unfamiliar with, you just dip awayfrom it as fast as you can, right?
There's
Right.
curiosity, but when you're listening tothat intuition and you're getting those
bad feelings about something, that'swhen you gotta start paying attention.
Absolutely man.
Yeah, you're tying it back to the,the nature documentaries 'cause my
(29:49):
son watched those too, and that you'reright, it does because like humans.
Still kind of follow the samepredator prey relationship of like,
you know, a cheetah and an Impala.
It's all there.
And I, I do find, 'cause I use thatsometimes with adults, I'll say that
in my podcast, you know, these, these,these impalas, they don't stick around.
You know, when they hear that orthey hear the roar or they get that
scent, they're, they're moving on.
(30:10):
So I think that's a great way to, yeah.
And, and that makes sense to somany people, and it's a great
way to tie it all together.
So, um, let's talk aboutyour latest project.
You have dipped your toeinto the world of fiction.
Tell us about your latest book.
So, uh, so I started, uh,I started writing fiction.
I've always been told, 'cause I'm,you know, I'm from the Appalachian
(30:31):
Mountains here in Virginia.
I've always been told thatI was a good storyteller.
Most, you know, folks around hereare, they tell a, they tell a
Mm-hmm.
you know, very good story.
So my wife was always telling me I shouldwrite a book and I. After I got the four
nonfiction books under my belt, I kind ofhad a, a, a bit more, you know, knowledge
as to how that whole process went.
So I felt comfortable enough to, tojust, just take an attempt at, you
(30:54):
know, writing a fiction manuscript.
So I wrote a book, it's called Homecoming.
It comes out April the first.
Uh, the protagonist in that story is aman named Case Younger, and he, you know,
was an army veteran, federal air marshal.
That's when similaritiesstopped except for,
I was, I was gonna say,it sounds real familiar.
Write.
(31:14):
Write what you know.
Right?
So there's elements of me inthere, but this is not me, right?
I'm not this guy.
So anyway, case younger in, inhomecoming, He's on a routine flight
from Athens to Philadelphia and there'sa hijacking and he stops that hijacking
and you know, the media attentionthat's focused on him after that was
enough to drive him away from the job.
(31:36):
'cause there's some bad things thathappened, you know, during the hijacking
that he was having a hard time processing.
I don't wanna give too muchof the book away, right?
Right, right.
he flees that media spotlight andgoes back home to a little town,
fictional town, Pikesville, Virginia.
And he just tries to reconnect.
He left 20 years ago, you know, he's lostcontact with his brother, his friends,
(31:56):
his, you know, his, his ex-girlfriend.
And those are relationships that overtime have deteriorated and he's trying
to get those back up, you know, and makethose people part of his life again.
But in doing so, he, uh.
He kind of, uh, steers up some peoplewho are up to no good in that town
(32:17):
and they start coming after him.
And, uh, you know, theretaliation piece of it is, uh.
Pretty exciting.
So, you know, it's somethingI hope everybody enjoys.
It's a three book series,
Mm-hmm.
one, and I've got it right here.
As a matter of fact, there'sthe first hard copy right there.
Homecoming, right?
A ca a
looks good.
thriller.
So, and they're availablefor pre-order now.
Anywhere you order books, theycome out April the first, and then
(32:39):
the second book is called Dead toRights, and that one's gonna be out.
Uh, in August, so justfour short months later.
And then the third
Wow.
Okay.
out April 1st of next year.
So this whole thing ishappening in a one year period.
It's keeping me hopping, butit's, uh, it's a good story.
It's getting great reviews.
We've already got a guy in Hollywoodtaking a look at, look at it to
(33:00):
turn it into a, uh, screenplay.
So we'll see
Very cool.
about it.
Yeah, man.
Um, 'cause I've read the first part ofthe book and I can, you're, I don't know.
If this was part of it or not for you, butlike, you're still teaching in the book.
Like I can see like, there's, there'ssentences like, just like here and there.
Um, I don't wanna reveal too much.
(33:21):
'cause like in the, well, in the verybeginning there's a girl who gets into
some trouble and you make a note inthere about she didn't see the expression
on his face change as he turned away.
Like there was this clue that was there.
She didn't catch it.
And then there's a scene in, in stoppingthe hijacking where somebody is.
Um, they're just completely out of it.
Like they, they don't understand what'sgoing on, what has just happened.
(33:43):
People are talking to them,
that
can't process it, and it'sall like really there.
Um, there's a lot of stuff fromperspective of reading people's nonverbal
cues that are all, that's not fiction.
That's all real.
That's all there.
So like while even this is a bookof fiction, you're still going
to learn how to read people andunderstand what their intent is
(34:06):
based on just reading this fictionbook, which I think is really cool.
Yeah, there's a, you know, there'sa lot in there when I wrote it.
I wanted it to be realistic,
Mm-hmm.
I didn't want it to just be realisticin terms of, you know, I, I use the
word magazine instead of clip, you know,when I'm talking about firearms, little
stuff like that drives people crazy,
(34:27):
Oh yeah.
It drives me crazy too.
down.
You know, the
Mm-hmm.
you know, knife takeaway, describingthe way to take a knife away from
somebody, you know, things like that.
I've transformed my whole lifeand I've got it in the book.
But what I wanted to get across to thereader was some of the more nuanced.
Things like during the hijacking,people's different reactions.
You know,
Yeah.
(34:48):
are frozen in place and, and theycan't react to the instruction
that he's giving them, you know?
Or some people are just losing theirminds and trying to crawl over the seat
to get away from the threat, you know?
And some people are.
You know, taking note of the man with thegun and they're doing what they're told.
You know, so
Mm-hmm.
those different little reactions.
(35:08):
And then, you know, as you read the book,you know, you'll see scenes in there where
somebody walks into a room and the firstthing that my protagonist case younger
looks at is, you know, their hands.
You know, he's like, let melook at this guy's hands.
And he's, the guy's not carrying aweapon, but he notices things about him.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
on his knuckles, you know, the, the littlebit of a cauliflower ear and he knows this
(35:29):
guy would be hard to handle in a fight.
So, you know, 'cause you don'tget those things, you know, just.
For nothing.
Right?
You,
Right.
those things are earned and uh, you know,case knows how to pick up on those things
and kind of put people into little boxes.
Okay.
Like, this is somebody Ineed to keep an eye on.
This is somebody that I don'thave to pay that much attention
to, and things like that.
(35:50):
So I wanted, I wanted folks to read thebook and see that whole process or kind
of feel it and, and like be able to applyit in something that doesn't feel so
sterile, like a classroom environment.
Like I'm teaching
Mm-hmm.
It's just part of this
Right,
It
right.
when you read it and then you can belike, oh, you know that, that makes sense.
I'll have to start doing that.
(36:10):
Uh, good.
And, and that's whatI got out of this too.
So, you know, read the book, enjoythe story, and pick up some things
that could potentially save your life.
So Gary, thanks for being on the show.
I appreciate you.
Where can people find out moreabout you and the upcoming book?
I.
Okay, so, uh, right now everythingis pretty much on my website,
which is gary quesenberry.com.
(36:30):
There's links to all my social media.
I'm mostly, it's Gary, youknow, at Gary dot on Instagram.
That's where I'm most active.
And, uh, on my website, on myYouTube channel and on my Instagram
and Facebook pages is the trailer.
There's actually a book trailer.
For homecoming and if what I said aboutit or what you said about it didn't
get people excited, watch the trailer.
(36:52):
I think that really gets, peoplekind of spun up and they're like,
Ooh, that looks really good.
I'm gonna have to read that book.
So, but everything's right there.
Gary quisenberry.com.
Very cool, man.
I appreciate your time.
I appreciate the books that you'rewriting and how you were trying
to help people lead safer, happierlives, but a God bless you.
I appreciate it man.
Thanks for everything you're doing.
(37:12):
Thanks for having me on, and,uh, look forward to listening
to your stuff in the future.
Well, that's everything that I have forThe Secure Family Podcast for today.
Thank you, friend for listening.
Thanks again to Garyfor being on the show.
For more on him and his newbook, visit GaryQuesenberry.com.
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(37:54):
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I'm Andy Murphy reminding you thatyou need to keep your eyes up and pay
attention to what's going on around you.
This is The Secure Family Podcast.
Welcome friend, I'm Andy Murphy, thehost and founder of The Secure Dad.
This show is all about empowering parentsto protect themselves and their family.
I believe that security isthe foundation of happiness.
I want your family to be safe and happy.
The information I share on this podcastis for general information purposes only.
(00:32):
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Because our safety isour own responsibility.
Today I get to talk to a retiredAir Marshal about safety skills
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All of that and more coming upon The Secure Family Podcast.
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(03:13):
There's a link for you intoday's podcast show notes.
Today my guest is Gary Quesenberry.
Gary joined the Army at theage of 17, where he served
during Operation Desert Storm.
Later after the events of nine11, Gary went to work as a
federal air marshal in 2020.
Gary retired from federal law enforcementand is now the author of several
(03:33):
books about situational awareness.
You may recognize Gary as he'sbeen featured on the History
Channel's Top Shot season three,and then on Top Shot All Stars.
Here's my conversationwith Gary Quesenberry.
(03:53):
Gary, thank you so muchfor being on the show.
Again, remind everybody whoyou are and what you do.
Well, it's my pleasure to be hereand, uh, my name's Gary Quesenberry.
I am a retired federal airmarshal, uh, army veteran back
during Operation Desert Storm.
And, uh, I just retired in2020 and now I'm a writer.
You know, I've got four, uh, fictionor nonfiction books out in the
Situational awareness series thatwe're gonna talk about, and I'm
(04:16):
about to release, uh, my first forayinto the fiction realm as well.
So.
Very cool.
I, um, I sent an email to my audiencenot long ago and I was just, you know,
kind of getting their feel on howThe Secure Family Podcast was going,
especially after the rebrand in January.
And I was, I just added like,Hey, who's a guest that you wanna
see on the show in the future?
(04:36):
And you were one of, uh, acouple of names that was given.
So I was like, Hey, that's really cool.
Somebody had read your situationalawareness books and wanted, you
know, you to be on the show.
And I was also thinking like, well,you know, he's been on the show before.
I wonder if they know that one'sthere, but you know, since it's
anonymous, I can't like tell.
But you were here today andthat is what's important.
Well,
and talk
recommended for it.
(04:57):
I appreciate it.
Oh yeah, man.
For all I know you did, did you do it?
Did you fill it out?
it wasn't
Okay.
All right.
Wasn't you all right?
That's cool.
Um, so we're gonna talk today aboutyour situational awareness, your
nonfiction books, your series there.
What, what motivated you to do this?
What made, motivated you to to write allthese books on situational awareness?
(05:18):
You know, it started off like, you know,I was an instructor for the federal Air
Marshal service at the National Academyfor about three years, and, uh, taught
a lot of classes, primarily firearms,but I was also certified in defensive
measures, mission tactics, the PT stuff.
I. The legal, like the whole,the whole gamut I had under my
belt by the time I left there.
uh, I started teaching kind of on theside on my own, some firearms classes.
(05:41):
And I've always been the type of guy,whether I'm teaching hand-to-hand
stuff or firearms or whatever, youknow, I feel like situational awareness
is one of the most important aspectsof personal safety and self-defense.
You can't effectively fight.
What you don't see coming, right?
If they get the drop on you, they'vegot the drop on you and you know that
never works out well 'cause you'realways working from a place of reaction.
(06:02):
So anyway.
I'm teaching thesecourses, firearms courses.
I'm talking a lot about situationalawareness and, and after the class
that really resonated with everybodyand you know, I made some pretty good
points during the class and they wantedme to put something together that was
specifically like a, you know, maybe ahalf a day, three hour course, something
like that, just on situational awareness.
(06:23):
So at the time I was stillworking as near Marshall.
And while I was flying, I don'tlike to have a lot of stuff
spread out in front of me.
So I just had my little notebookand my pen, you know, and I would,
uh, make notes and bullet points onthings that I wanted to talk about.
And the more I looked at that, themore I started realizing that it
looked like a table of contents.
the class went over really well.
I felt like the information wasvaluable and, and, you know.
(06:46):
Kind of helped everybodyout that attended.
I decided that I was gonna takethose little bullet points that I put
together for the class and on flights,I would just start filling 'em in.
You know, like bullet 0.1 is, youknow, let's just say for instance
the, the mindset, predatory mindset,like how the predators think.
Mm-hmm.
writing as much as I could aboutthat, you know, doing a little
research on things to fill in thegaps of stuff I didn't know and.
(07:09):
Before you know it, like withinsix, eight months I had a book.
You know, at least, at leastI had a manuscript and I
started shopping that around.
Then it got picked up by YMAApublications who published primarily
self-defense books, and then itturned into a four book series and
that's how, that's how it all started.
Okay.
cool.
So you have written a specificbook for teaching situational
(07:31):
awareness to your kids, and that's.
Really, you know, kind ofwhat I wanna focus on today.
But before we kind of get to that aspectof it, you know, from adult to adult
here, kind of give us your definition,your, your life experience definition
of what situational awareness is.
Okay.
Well, to me, situational awareness isyour ability, you know, as an individual
(07:53):
to read environmental cues, right?
Because your environment is alwaystalking to you, it's always giving you
cues, and then to be able to decipherthose cues, I. Pick out things that rise,
rise above what we call an establishedbaseline that could, that could possibly
point to a dangerous situation, and thenhave the skillset you need to get away
(08:14):
from that situation before it manifests.
So it's kinda like, you know,CN into the future a little bit.
Like, these signs over here point tobad things, so I'm gonna go over here.
You know, it's just, it's that easy.
Right.
Right.
And And that makes sense.
'cause a lot of times,you know, you're just.
Teaching people to avoid danger.
You're not teaching them like, oh, allof a sudden you need to become a ninja
(08:37):
who can fight off 10 people at once.
That's not realistic.
It's really like, Hey, let's just seewhat's coming and learn how to respond.
Right.
I.
Exactly, and that's whereeverybody should be starting.
I don't care, you know, what levelof competence you have in either,
you know, hand to hand combat or youknow, firearms and things like that.
Without that situational awarenesspiece, everything else becomes
(08:57):
exponentially more difficult.
If you're not learning to readthose environmental cues, paying
attention to what's going around,gone around you, so that you can
make those lifesaving decisions.
Like ahead of time.
You don't have to do it inthe middle of a fight, right?
You need
Right.
that little bit of a, a, a buffer.
And that's why I call it the Heads Upseries is because you're giving yourself
a heads up that most people don't have.
(09:18):
If you employ these things that I writeabout in these books and it, you know,
those, those fractions of seconds is whatcounts and a life and death situation.
Absolutely.
So, I mean, this is a really a bigthing that requires a lot of moving
parts and a lot of thought, is it evenpossible to teach this to our kids?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, but the, the thing is,it's gonna be a lot different than it
(09:41):
I.
me talking to a classroom full ofadults about situational awareness.
And you know, like you said, there,there's four books in the series.
There's the first one, spottingDanger Before It Spot You, which
is, you know, just the nuts andbolts of situational awareness.
And then I moved on to the one.
For kids, and this isn't a kid'sbook, it's for adults who have younger
Correct.
the
Yes.
(10:01):
and 12.
And then there's a book for parentsthat are dealing with teens, and
then there's a book for travelersspotting danger for travelers.
And that was kind of my breadand butter as an air marshal.
But as far as the kid one goes,you know, you're not gonna set.
6-year-old down and say, Hey, we'regonna have a little chat about
situational awareness and expect toget any kind of buy-in from that child.
(10:22):
Right?
So you, you have to know your audience.
I've got three kids, you know, mywife and I have raised three kids,
and they're all grown now and doingtheir own thing off in the world.
But we raised them to be situationallyaware because of some things that
happened, you know, when, uh.
You know, when I was working as an airmarshal, that was important for them to
understand what situational awarenesswas and what it meant to their safety.
(10:43):
So in order for us to teach them thosethings, we started just getting them
to engage with their environment.
So the first, that means gettingyour head out of tablets and
cell phones, which at the time wedidn't have that problem back then.
Right.
Right.
you know, as we go on, it becomesmore and more of a problem, but.
Just getting them to engage withtheir environment, asking them
questions about their environment,playing little games with them.
(11:06):
One of the best games you canplay with a kid, like, you know,
a four, 6-year-old is, is I spy.
I. know, get their head up when you'rein the car seat going down the road,
you know, start playing I spa orspotting different license plates,
different colors, you know, dependingon the age group and stuff like that.
And it kind of opens their eyesto their environment and gets
them interacting with it and thencommunicating what they see to you.
(11:29):
And that's basically the foundationfor situational awareness when you're
trying to instill that in a child,is just have them active with their
environment and know how to communicatewhat they're seeing to you as an adult.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
One of the, uh, the games that I usedto play with my son when he was real
little, he was learning to count and Iwould tell him, you know, we went into
like a restaurant or something likethat, you know, let's play the game,
(11:50):
count the doors, and I would get him upand looking and, and not just counting
like the front door that we came in.
Where's the door to the kitchen?
Is there a door to the bathroom?
Is there a door to the back of thebuilding where the deliveries come in?
That sort of stuff.
And so we would do that a lot.
And so we came into a restaurant onetime and I sat down at the table and
(12:10):
I asked him, okay, I count the doors.
And he was like, six I.
Like, didn't count, didn't do anything.
It's like six.
I was like, how do you know?
Because I counted before we sat downand I thought, all right, it's working.
It's working.
So, yeah.
So, um, yeah, next time we go out toeat, I'm gonna, I haven't, I haven't
played that game with him in a whilebecause he's very good at accounting now.
Um, but I'll see if he remembers it and ifhe's still doing it or not, but yeah, just
(12:33):
I'll tell you how to likestart building on that.
sure.
like we right now, like three daysa week we watch my nephew, he's four
years old and he's very proud ofhimself 'cause he can count to 20 now.
Right.
Awesome.
but
He's doing better than me.
And in my books, you know, like even inthe, the, the, the more adult ones, like
the first one where it's specifically foradults wanting to improve their safety.
I talk about counting and how
(12:55):
Mm-hmm.
it is.
And even as adults, if we'recounting something like the number
of cars in a parking lot, how manyof those cars are running, you
know, how many exits do I see?
How many improvised weapons arewithin arm's reach of me right now?
Those type things.
When, when you as an adult are counting.
The one thing that that does for you isit keeps your head up and it keeps it
moving around because I'm looking forthings, and when it comes to predatory
(13:19):
mindset, they're looking for thatperson that isn't paying attention.
That person, that's the soft target, whohas their head buried in their phone, or
they're distracted by 15 other things.
So something as simple as a countinggame even for adults raises your
awareness and makes you look to apredator like more of a hard target.
So even if you've got the numberwrong, just the action of doing it.
(13:41):
Helps increase your personal safety.
Yeah, absolutely.
Just getting your head up and lookingaround, like you were saying, I've been
in lots of environments and I'm sure thisis the exact same way for you where I am
the only person not looking in my phone.
Like, there's actually a timethat I will actually hold my phone
in my hand so that I don't lookincredibly different than everybody
else, but it's just kind of there.
(14:02):
I'm not really looking at itand I feel like, oh shoot, now
I stand out because I'm the onewho's not looking at the phone.
Do you ever feel that way?
Oh, absolutely.
And, and you know, like I, when, when Iwas flying, cell phones, I remember the
first time I saw somebody with an earbud.
I didn't know what that was.
A
Hmm
earbud, you know,
mm-hmm.
uh.
I thought this person was a lunatic.
'cause they're just storming upand down the, the terminal, you
(14:24):
know, screaming and I'm like, oh,I gotta keep an eye on this guy.
Then I realized he's on thephone, you know, he's having a
conversation on the cell phone.
So as technology changes,your awareness changes.
But the one thing that'snever gonna, I. Hamper you.
It's just putting the phone away.
You know,
Mm-hmm.
for something specific likeyou're injured, you gotta find
a hospital and you're looking tofind out where the nearest one
is, that's a different situation.
(14:46):
But just in general, like I've got a, awhole folder full of pictures on my phone
from when I was flying of an entire.
Boarding area with a hundred peoplein there, and it would be almost
impossible to find one that isn'tlooking down at some sort of a device.
know, it's, it's uh, you know, it's,it's, it's just kind of our new norm.
(15:06):
And,
yeah.
I talk in my books about baselinebehaviors and baselines can change
based on technology as well.
It used to be baseline behavior foran airport was, you know, people
sitting around having conversationsbefore cell phones, you know, or.
They would go to the little payphonesand wait in line if they had to get
ahold of somebody to let them knowthat they made it to the airport.
Okay.
(15:27):
But as time changes, youknow, your baseline changes.
So now it's perfectly normal for you tolook around your environment and just see
everybody with their head buried down.
I. What would be a baselineanomaly at this point?
Something that you'd needto like pay attention to is
someone who doesn't do that.
You know, somebody whose headis up and looking around.
So like when I was working as an airmarshal, we'd be in a different airport.
(15:49):
Say I'm in Charlotte or Denver orsomewhere that, you know, I don't
necessarily work, so I don't know theair marshals that worked that area.
I could sit in a jet way and you couldtell who was law enforcement and who
wasn't because, and nine times out of10, the law enforcement ones are the ones
that are sitting there looking around.
You know, and everybody else is in there.
So it's either that orit's a bad guy who's
Mm-hmm.
(16:10):
next target because he knowsnobody else is paying attention.
And it's just, you know,it's the way things are now.
in some
Right.
for people that are trying to spotdangerous situations, it's a little
helpful because everybody with their headsburied in their phone, you can pretty
much write them off as a non entity.
You know, when it comes to athreatening situation, they're, they
don't know what's gonna be going on.
They're just gonna be completely reactive.
(16:32):
So it's, uh.
It's a weird state of affairs, man, butit's the way the world is now, I suppose.
Right.
And you know, we're heading that way.
We're more and more digital integrationinto our lives and all that sort of stuff.
So it'll be kind of interestingto see, uh, how this turns out.
But you're right.
You're like, we needto teach our kids that.
Like when you're in public, youdon't put your face in your phone.
(16:52):
You need to be up and looking around,which is where like all these games
come into play for the people whoare, who are listening, who are like,
Hey, this sounds like a good idea.
But I don't wanna scare my kid.
I don't want to like,ruin their innocence.
'cause I think every, every parentis afraid that they're gonna be the
one that ruins their kid's innocence.
Um, what do you tell to parentswho are like, I'm not sure
(17:15):
that this is right for my kid.
I'm not sure I know how to do it.
I'm a little afraid to broach the subject.
How do you help that person?
I mean, you can do itwithout instilling fear.
And I'm a big proponent of the fact that,you know, fear is no way to teach a child.
Hmm.
know, I've never been the type of parentthat would be, you know, like, like.
my, don't, don't do that.
(17:35):
You know, like, let let 'emfigure it out kind of thing.
Unless it's like super dangerous.
I know they're gonna get hurt,of course I'm gonna stop 'em.
But, uh.
The fear thing when you're playingthose games, you don't have to
tell your child that you're, you'replaying this game because there's a
bunch of bad people in the world whowould hurt you if you, you know, if
(17:55):
Mm-hmm.
and I'm trying to protect you from that.
They don't need to know that part.
know, as long as you're keepingtheir head up, you're keeping 'em
engaged with their environment.
And then once they get past the countinggames and the exits and stuff like that,
you can start doing things like talkingto them about they felt about people.
Like when, you know when, when thatguy at the checkout counter at the
(18:18):
grocery store was talking to you,did that give you a good feeling
or did that give you a bad feeling?
Did that person seem happy?
Did they seem mad?
You know, so that they canstart recognizing emotions and
motives and people as well.
And then from that.
Then you progress intothe communication piece.
Like, and you don't haveto make them afraid.
You can just tell them if there'sever a time when the person that's
(18:40):
interacting with you makes you feelscared or they make you feel, you
know, anxious or like you need tocreate some space or something,
it's okay for you to bring that up.
And if you need to communicate stuffwith me like that, you know, it's.
I'm here and I'm hereto help you of thing.
So it's, you know, you go from theplaying the games and making it fun
and keeping them engaged with theirenvironment to learning how to monitor
(19:03):
baselines and people's behaviors andtheir, you know, their, their kind
of their moods and stuff like that,because that's part of the baseline.
And then you progress into thecommunication stage where when
things do feel off, they can talkto you about it and explain to
you why they feel the way they do.
And then you can take it fromthere as a parent, right.
Oh yeah, for sure.
(19:23):
And you know that open communicationis gonna help, you know, in everything
in your parent child relationship.
So yeah, like absolutely.
getting older.
You know, teenagers and stuff areincredibly hard to communicate with, so,
right.
that early and it's gonna change so you
Mm-hmm.
change when you know, mom anddad's not really that cool anymore,
but as long as they understand,you know, why you're doing it.
(19:45):
And that it's for them.
I, there may be things that theydon't want to tell you, but I believe
with all my heart because I've seenit happen with my own children when
they, when, when you raise them thatway and then they genuinely feel
that their safety, Is in jeopardy.
They will come to you with it.
You know?
And as long as you've kept that openline of communication, you've never
tried to make them afraid or youknow, you've never been harsh on them.
(20:09):
If they made a mistake when it comes totheir situation where you don't wanna
be hard on 'em, because then that'sgonna start making them not want.
You know, to keep thatline of communication open.
So, you know, it's, it's a balancingact, you know, as a parent,
you know that as well as I do.
But, you know, I think that that thosethree things, you know, making it fun,
you know, not, not using things as afear-based tool to keep them safe, and
(20:31):
then opening those lines of communication,those are the most important
things that you can do as a parent.
Absolutely.
I like that a lot.
I like that a lot.
Let's talk about bullying for a second.
How can teaching your kids to beaware help them to avoid being a
target of bullying or see it coming?
I.
Well, okay, so you know, like when Iwas growing up, I joined the Army in 88.
(20:56):
And I was six foot tall and138 pounds, you know, so I was
about as big around as my thumb.
Now, now I was like that growing upall the way, so I, you know, I had
my fair share of bullies growing up.
Right.
Uh.
And you know, I always thinkabout the movie Karate Kid and
Mm-hmm.
Miyagi told Daniel that, you know, thebest way to win a fight is no be there.
(21:17):
So we talk about establishingbaseline patterns.
Well, bullies are the same way.
You know, bullies have patterns.
if you can teach your child toidentify those patterns, you know,
where's this kid gonna be when, right.
If you know they're gonna bethere and when they're gonna
be there, then don't be there.
Right.
So there's just, youknow, I think at that age.
(21:37):
When, you know, whenthe bullying thing is,
Mm-hmm.
kind of so prevalent in their lifeat school that it's, uh, know, it's
important for them to understand the,the, the, uh, the ways to get around it.
You know, the avoidance techniques Ithink are the most important thing.
However, you know, we were talkingabout earlier, you know, as technology
(21:58):
progresses, you know, you look atonline bullying now, and that is
the most ruthless, relentless, youknow, like when I was growing up.
get bullied at school.
That's okay.
I come home and I'm fine.
You know,
Yeah.
little brother, I've got my friends,you know, we're outside playing,
we're riding bikes or whatever.
And I didn't have toworry about the bullies.
They weren't there.
(22:18):
But now, you know, kids comehome, they get on their phones or
checking their social medias, andthen there's the bullies again.
So there's really not, and andmy children dealt with that
when they were in high school.
'cause social media at that point hadkind of blown up, you know, and they
did have cell phones and, you know,they were prone to that type of thing.
So at that point, it's, it's more aboutthe communication piece again, than
(22:39):
it is the, the avoidance techniquesthat you wanna teach 'em when they're
physically confronted by a bully.
Mm-hmm.
So
that's a great point, man.
Like bullying is, it'salmost 24 hours now.
You know?
It's almost everywhere because it canhappen, you know, at school, it can happen
online, just like you were talking about.
So, yeah, again, and also likeI. You're an observant person.
(23:00):
You also, as a parent, have toobserve your kids and realize
when something is off, it's notalways on them to come to you.
Right?
You can.
You can go to them when yourealize, Hey, they're not
looking at their phone anymore.
They're not mentioningthis person's name anymore.
Something's wrong.
Exactly, and that's, that's thewhole baseline behavior thing.
You know, we, you know,not just your environment.
(23:21):
Not, not just environments havebaselines, but people as well,
individuals have baselines.
Like I know people that are justalways angry, you know, and if I ever
saw that person and they were happy,I would think something was off.
you know, they're violatingtheir own baseline behavior.
And it's the same thing with your kids.
You know, they have certain moodsthat they're gonna go through,
especially as teenagers and stuff.
(23:43):
But like you said, if, you know, ifthey're best friends with somebody and
all of a sudden that person's not comingaround, they're not talking, they're
keeping their phone away and stuff, youknow, that's something to keep an eye on.
As a parent E, each one of your childrenis gonna have their own individual
baseline, and as a parent you need to knowwhat that is and be able to spot things
that are kind of falling outside thatbaseline so that you know when it's time
(24:03):
to start opening up that communicationchannel and addressing those issues.
That's very good.
That, that, that's awesome, man.
Um, go ahead and tell us some ofthe red flags that we need to teach
our kids to look for when they're inpublic, like at school, at a mall, just
something in the environment that's off.
What is something that we cankind of teach kids now that
(24:24):
they'll recognize in the future?
Well, the one thing that that,you know, I always try to teach my
kids, and we used to do this a lotwhen we'd walk around the mall.
We lived in New Jersey for a while andthere was a Hamilton Mall there, you know,
where we lived outside of Atlantic City.
And it was a great place to teachkids about situational awareness.
you know, some of the redflags and stuff is people that
just seem erratic, you know,
(24:44):
Mm.
Or, you know, if you get, and I alwaystaught my kids one of the most important
things that you can teach your child,'cause I've always said that you can
trust the intuition of horses andchildren more than anything else, right?
So if, if, if your child tellsyou they got a bad feeling about
somebody, that person couldbe your best friend, trust me.
You need to start looking into it.
(25:04):
you know when, whenever, when childrenare very in tune to that type thing.
So if they get a bad feeling aboutsomebody, that's something I always
told them to pay attention to.
if they were out and about.
That's one of the red flags.
Like if somebody just looked at thema certain way or spoke to them when
I wasn't paying attention or my wifewasn't paying attention and it gave them
a certain feeling, you know, that's thefirst red flag that that bad feeling.
(25:28):
If you get a bad feeling aboutsomething, that's your red flag.
You need to tell us you know why, butwhat it was and why, and we'll get you
away from that situation if we need to.
you know, just little things like that.
Listen to your intuition.
Uh, other red flags would be, youknow, adults that are initiating
conversations with underage children,just kind of out of the blue.
(25:50):
You know, I've always told my kidsthat unless you're lost or you're
seeking help, there's not an adultin the world that needs to just come
up and start a conversation with you.
Right?
Unless you're in.
Like Claire's looking for a pairof earrings and the girl behind
the counter wants to help you out.
That's different, you know, it'sall situational based, but, you
know, unsolicited conversationquestions, you know, uh, please
(26:11):
for help thing from an adult.
An adult doesn't need a six yearold's help to do anything, right?
So there's certain little, andthen listening to that intuition,
know, those things are what'llkeep your younger children safe.
And help them make betterdecisions as they get older.
Like you can see thatprogression in your kids.
I played those games with my children whenthey were young and then when they became
(26:31):
teens, we'd walk around that same malland every now and then, you know, my, my
daughter, my oldest daughter would likeelbow me and be like, look at that kid.
Be conditioned white,doesn't know what's going on.
Right.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're right.
And you don't wanna be incondition white, right.
And new.
Mm.
it's uh, you know, little thingslike that, just teaching them.
You know what, what to look out for thosered flags like we just discussed and
(26:55):
then, and then us as parents watchingthem and their reaction to things so
that we can keep that communication.
Right.
And, you know, teaching kids that theirintuition is important, is big, but I,
I can see this as, you know, as I'm.
Inevitably growing older, the more I,my intuition talks to me sometimes I
want to just quiet that little voiceand say, oh no, you're not right either,
(27:19):
because I wanna deny what I'm seeing.
Or sometimes it's like, oh, I'm makingan unfair assumption about this person.
Like I'm being politicallycorrect in my own head.
How do we teach our kids toreally, truly listen to this voice?
'cause it, it's going to helpthem in the future and not to
suppress it like adults try to.
You know, when my kids were little,I used to tell 'em all the time, and
(27:40):
this was something that was told tome by an instructor, you know years
ago, is that we are the only animalson the planet that will look danger.
Like obvious danger straight in theface, and then try to rationalize
it you know, you could be in themiddle of, of, of being attacked.
And sometimes, you know, they, they'vedone interviews with people and I've
(28:01):
personally talked to people who theirfirst inclination is to be like,
well, I don't know what I did wrong.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Right.
This isn't your fault, you were attacked.
So, uh.
We're the only, we're the onlyanimals on the planet that do that.
And, and when I, when my kids werelittle and I wanted to talk to them
about the importance of intuition, youknow, one of the fun things that we used
(28:24):
to do all the time, my kids love it.
My little nephew that we watchnow, he loves it as well.
We watch these documentaries on,on the Disney Channel and stuff.
'cause they're a littlemore kid friendly, you know?
And, uh.
You know, you see a bunch of zebrasat a watering hole and all of a
sudden, here come a couple lion thatsays, walking across those zebras
aren't hanging around, you know,wondering what they're doing there.
They're getting out, right?
(28:44):
They, they, they see dangerand they get away from it.
You know?
So one of the biggest things that youcan teach your children is, you know,
when you get that bad feeling, it's kindalike that little animal instinct in you.
Like, you've got that in you too.
Just like those zebras do.
Right, and when you seesomething that gives you a bad
feeling, it might not be a lion.
It might just be some dude at acheckout counter in a grocery store.
(29:06):
But you need to get away fromthat or tell mom and dad, you
know, so that we can handle it.
And it's, uh, it's, IM, that, that'sthe way that we always did it to try
to get them in tune with that intuitionis to kind of tie it to something that
they were familiar with, like thosedocumentaries and stuff and, 'cause they
can see that, they can see the reactions,you know, to dangerous situations.
And then when they startunderstanding that.
(29:26):
We need to be the same way if weintend to keep ourselves safe.
That's not saying Every time youknow, you see something that you're
unfamiliar with, you just dip awayfrom it as fast as you can, right?
There's
Right.
curiosity, but when you're listening tothat intuition and you're getting those
bad feelings about something, that'swhen you gotta start paying attention.
Absolutely man.
Yeah, you're tying it back to the,the nature documentaries 'cause my
(29:49):
son watched those too, and that you'reright, it does because like humans.
Still kind of follow the samepredator prey relationship of like,
you know, a cheetah and an Impala.
It's all there.
And I, I do find, 'cause I use thatsometimes with adults, I'll say that
in my podcast, you know, these, these,these impalas, they don't stick around.
You know, when they hear that orthey hear the roar or they get that
scent, they're, they're moving on.
(30:10):
So I think that's a great way to, yeah.
And, and that makes sense to somany people, and it's a great
way to tie it all together.
So, um, let's talk aboutyour latest project.
You have dipped your toeinto the world of fiction.
Tell us about your latest book.
So, uh, so I started, uh,I started writing fiction.
I've always been told, 'cause I'm,you know, I'm from the Appalachian
(30:31):
Mountains here in Virginia.
I've always been told thatI was a good storyteller.
Most, you know, folks around hereare, they tell a, they tell a
Mm-hmm.
you know, very good story.
So my wife was always telling me I shouldwrite a book and I. After I got the four
nonfiction books under my belt, I kind ofhad a, a, a bit more, you know, knowledge
as to how that whole process went.
So I felt comfortable enough to, tojust, just take an attempt at, you
(30:54):
know, writing a fiction manuscript.
So I wrote a book, it's called Homecoming.
It comes out April the first.
Uh, the protagonist in that story is aman named Case Younger, and he, you know,
was an army veteran, federal air marshal.
That's when similaritiesstopped except for,
I was, I was gonna say,it sounds real familiar.
Write.
(31:14):
Write what you know.
Right?
So there's elements of me inthere, but this is not me, right?
I'm not this guy.
So anyway, case younger in, inhomecoming, He's on a routine flight
from Athens to Philadelphia and there'sa hijacking and he stops that hijacking
and you know, the media attentionthat's focused on him after that was
enough to drive him away from the job.
(31:36):
'cause there's some bad things thathappened, you know, during the hijacking
that he was having a hard time processing.
I don't wanna give too muchof the book away, right?
Right, right.
he flees that media spotlight andgoes back home to a little town,
fictional town, Pikesville, Virginia.
And he just tries to reconnect.
He left 20 years ago, you know, he's lostcontact with his brother, his friends,
(31:56):
his, you know, his, his ex-girlfriend.
And those are relationships that overtime have deteriorated and he's trying
to get those back up, you know, and makethose people part of his life again.
But in doing so, he, uh.
He kind of, uh, steers up some peoplewho are up to no good in that town
(32:17):
and they start coming after him.
And, uh, you know, theretaliation piece of it is, uh.
Pretty exciting.
So, you know, it's somethingI hope everybody enjoys.
It's a three book series,
Mm-hmm.
one, and I've got it right here.
As a matter of fact, there'sthe first hard copy right there.
Homecoming, right?
A ca a
looks good.
thriller.
So, and they're availablefor pre-order now.
Anywhere you order books, theycome out April the first, and then
(32:39):
the second book is called Dead toRights, and that one's gonna be out.
Uh, in August, so justfour short months later.
And then the third
Wow.
Okay.
out April 1st of next year.
So this whole thing ishappening in a one year period.
It's keeping me hopping, butit's, uh, it's a good story.
It's getting great reviews.
We've already got a guy in Hollywoodtaking a look at, look at it to
(33:00):
turn it into a, uh, screenplay.
So we'll see
Very cool.
about it.
Yeah, man.
Um, 'cause I've read the first part ofthe book and I can, you're, I don't know.
If this was part of it or not for you, butlike, you're still teaching in the book.
Like I can see like, there's, there'ssentences like, just like here and there.
Um, I don't wanna reveal too much.
(33:21):
'cause like in the, well, in the verybeginning there's a girl who gets into
some trouble and you make a note inthere about she didn't see the expression
on his face change as he turned away.
Like there was this clue that was there.
She didn't catch it.
And then there's a scene in, in stoppingthe hijacking where somebody is.
Um, they're just completely out of it.
Like they, they don't understand what'sgoing on, what has just happened.
(33:43):
People are talking to them,
that
can't process it, and it'sall like really there.
Um, there's a lot of stuff fromperspective of reading people's nonverbal
cues that are all, that's not fiction.
That's all real.
That's all there.
So like while even this is a bookof fiction, you're still going
to learn how to read people andunderstand what their intent is
(34:06):
based on just reading this fictionbook, which I think is really cool.
Yeah, there's a, you know, there'sa lot in there when I wrote it.
I wanted it to be realistic,
Mm-hmm.
I didn't want it to just be realisticin terms of, you know, I, I use the
word magazine instead of clip, you know,when I'm talking about firearms, little
stuff like that drives people crazy,
(34:27):
Oh yeah.
It drives me crazy too.
down.
You know, the
Mm-hmm.
you know, knife takeaway, describingthe way to take a knife away from
somebody, you know, things like that.
I've transformed my whole lifeand I've got it in the book.
But what I wanted to get across to thereader was some of the more nuanced.
Things like during the hijacking,people's different reactions.
You know,
Yeah.
(34:48):
are frozen in place and, and theycan't react to the instruction
that he's giving them, you know?
Or some people are just losing theirminds and trying to crawl over the seat
to get away from the threat, you know?
And some people are.
You know, taking note of the man with thegun and they're doing what they're told.
You know, so
Mm-hmm.
those different little reactions.
(35:08):
And then, you know, as you read the book,you know, you'll see scenes in there where
somebody walks into a room and the firstthing that my protagonist case younger
looks at is, you know, their hands.
You know, he's like, let melook at this guy's hands.
And he's, the guy's not carrying aweapon, but he notices things about him.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
on his knuckles, you know, the, the littlebit of a cauliflower ear and he knows this
(35:29):
guy would be hard to handle in a fight.
So, you know, 'cause you don'tget those things, you know, just.
For nothing.
Right?
You,
Right.
those things are earned and uh, you know,case knows how to pick up on those things
and kind of put people into little boxes.
Okay.
Like, this is somebody Ineed to keep an eye on.
This is somebody that I don'thave to pay that much attention
to, and things like that.
(35:50):
So I wanted, I wanted folks to read thebook and see that whole process or kind
of feel it and, and like be able to applyit in something that doesn't feel so
sterile, like a classroom environment.
Like I'm teaching
Mm-hmm.
It's just part of this
Right,
It
right.
when you read it and then you can belike, oh, you know that, that makes sense.
I'll have to start doing that.
(36:10):
Uh, good.
And, and that's whatI got out of this too.
So, you know, read the book, enjoythe story, and pick up some things
that could potentially save your life.
So Gary, thanks for being on the show.
I appreciate you.
Where can people find out moreabout you and the upcoming book?
I.
Okay, so, uh, right now everythingis pretty much on my website,
which is gary quesenberry.com.
(36:30):
There's links to all my social media.
I'm mostly, it's Gary, youknow, at Gary dot on Instagram.
That's where I'm most active.
And, uh, on my website, on myYouTube channel and on my Instagram
and Facebook pages is the trailer.
There's actually a book trailer.
For homecoming and if what I said aboutit or what you said about it didn't
get people excited, watch the trailer.
(36:52):
I think that really gets, peoplekind of spun up and they're like,
Ooh, that looks really good.
I'm gonna have to read that book.
So, but everything's right there.
Gary quisenberry.com.
Very cool, man.
I appreciate your time.
I appreciate the books that you'rewriting and how you were trying
to help people lead safer, happierlives, but a God bless you.
I appreciate it man.
Thanks for everything you're doing.
(37:12):
Thanks for having me on, and,uh, look forward to listening
to your stuff in the future.
Well, that's everything that I have forThe Secure Family Podcast for today.
Thank you, friend for listening.
Thanks again to Garyfor being on the show.
For more on him and his newbook, visit GaryQuesenberry.com.
Take back your privacy and personaldata with help from DeleteMe.
(37:34):
Get 20% off a privacy plan whenusing the code DAD at checkout,
DeleteMe is the official dataremoval service of The Secure Dad.
Learn how to spot the signs so that apredator may be targeting your kid online.
Find out what you need to know.
With my ebook Level Up, I'll showyou how to create a safer online
gaming experience in your home.
(37:54):
Get your copy at thelink in the show notes.
If you'd like to know moreabout The Secure Dad, join
me on Instagram and TikTok.
My username for both platforms is TheSecure Dad, and of course, my site is
available 24/7 at TheSecureDad.com.
I'm Andy Murphy reminding you thatyou need to keep your eyes up and pay
attention to what's going on around you.
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