Ghosts of Past, Present & Future

Click here to send us your victory and vices!

What if a single holiday could become the compass for your personal transformation? Kaleb reflects on how Halloween became the unexpected marker of life's twists and turns, sparking joy, heartbreak, and self-realization.

As we share experiences of personal growth, heartache, and new beginnings, you’ll hear about Kaleb's journey from a rocky relationship-fueled move to Cleveland to the bright opportunities awaiting in Seattle. Halloween serves as a backdrop, showcasing how life changes dramatically over a year—a theme that resonates with anyone navigating the complexities of romance and self-worth. From karaoke nights and Grindr adventures to embracing newfound independence, these stories remind us that life, much like Halloween, is full of surprises.

Join us as we explore the importance of self-love, the joy of self-gifting, and the challenges of managing holiday stress. We touch on everything from preparing for significant exams and reflecting on love’s many forms to the relief found in letting go of outdated versions of ourselves. This episode is a celebration of personal victories and a testament to finding joy in life’s unpredictable journey, encouraging you to embrace change and savor each milestone.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
We should tell the audience what the Unwelly Awards
are.

Speaker 2 (00:02):
Okay.
So back the last I guess it wasprobably like over the weekend
or something, or early in theweek, when I was still in my
manic episode I was coming upwith an insane amount of just
like ideas, and I was using Kyleas my journal and I was just
like Sounding board yes, hi, I'mplanting the seed, please
remember it, because I won't andI came up with the idea of the

(00:26):
unwellie awards, which I I thinkis that just what we're going
to call it.
Yeah, because, like the, unwellaward doesn't sound fun.
No, um, and I think that maybethis will be a new thing that we
do at the end of each season.
As we reflect on the year iswho was the most unwell and who
gets crowned the trophy, kind oflike the whole toxico award
that we did in pv.

Speaker 1 (00:47):
Yeah, it's basically like just us reading each other
for filth.
An entire episode of an entireepisode of vices, yeah, exactly
yeah, that's what it is yeah,but like only the big ones
recall the good, yeah, the bestmoments of us being unwell
throughout the season.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
And I'm toying around with.
There's so many to choose fromreally, but I'm toying around
with the idea of do we decide ordo we release the episode and
then post a poll?
Oh yeah, because it's not goingto be our final episode of the
season.
Oh my God, kyle, we only havetwo more episodes after this.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
We can also announce the winner after the last
episode comes out of the season.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
But I think no, because we are going to do the
year 2024 wrapped, but we'regoing to do the Unwelly Awards
right before that.
So then I think we announce itduring our last episode.
That's a good idea.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
The moment y'all have all been waiting for.

Speaker 2 (01:41):
Prepare for domination.

Speaker 1 (01:42):
So stay tuned next week for the Unwellly Awards,
where we read each other forfilth and you guys get to decide
who's been the most unwell thisyear.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh my God, it's going to be honestly, kyle it's going
to, because consistently you'revery level-headed demure doing
the most crazy things.
But then you've had yourmoments.
Yeah, several.
Several Several and weparticipated in several together
that I think are just going tobe wild, to like.
Recap on, yeah, and.

(02:12):
I think it'll be a great likesummary of all the chaos and
then the next episode will befollowed by, like, almost all,
the victories, or thereflections Right.

Speaker 1 (02:20):
So it'll be like the hot and cold the bookends, if
you will.
Oh yeah, let's take two stepsback.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
And tell our audience what we did last night.

Speaker 2 (02:34):
So we went to dinner last night with the Water we
Conversation guy, nicholas andTristan, and we were a little
late because I worked a littlelate, but we got there and we
were just planning on dinner andthat kind of is where it starts
okay, no, that's not even whereit starts.

Speaker 1 (02:52):
It starts like the two days before, when I you lied
.
I text Nicholas and I said doyou want to get together and
have a sleepover, because I feellike we're overdue.

Speaker 2 (03:09):
Meanwhile, it's only been like what?

Speaker 1 (03:10):
not even two weeks.
It's been no since, yeah, it'sbeen two weeks.

Speaker 2 (03:13):
Oh, this is I'm so glad you took us back.
Go ahead, yeah.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
Okay.
So he invites me to dinner withhim and your friend Tristan,
and I immediately just like goto like okay, well, I know
Tristan, and I immediately justlike go to like.
Okay, well, I know Tristan'sthen is gonna going to invite
you, so like we might as welljust invite everyone.
But then I got distracted.
So, um, you come up stairs andTristan has already like text
you and you're like are youcoming with us to dinner?

(03:37):
And I was like I just gotinvited from Nick and Caleb
thinks that for some reasonyou're cackling over there.
I am, I lied, I'm tickled I liedbecause I wasn't forthcoming
with where my intentions werefor the evening, which was to
have a sleepover with Nick.

Speaker 2 (03:54):
I know, but what I'm so tickled about is because I
know you didn't intentionally doit, but it's almost like, yeah,
this person's so obsessed withme, but then it's secretly you
the one that texted them, sothat's why I lost it.
I know it Again.
I way over-dramatized it in mybrain, yeah, but I was like Kyle
, the fact that I'm so confidentand know that you texted him

(04:15):
first.
And I also thought it was sofunny because we were supposed
to record the podcast last night, and I'm like bitch, yeah, well
, I record the podcast lastnight and I'm like bitch.
Yeah, I was tickled, which I'mglad we did.
It.
Today is a better day.
I feel more level-headed and Iwas manic, yeah.
So anyway, we go.

Speaker 1 (04:28):
we go to la josie's and the mexican food was fine.
It's more of a vibe place, youknow.
Oh, my god, the waitress, yeah,such a she was, yeah great.
She complimented my sweatshirt,which she thought that I got at
the vintage store next door,and yeah, and then she ordered
me an appletini because, Ididn't know what I wanted, and

(04:48):
the fact that we were like we'venever witnessed someone order
an appletini yeah.
But the best part for me of theevening was when you and Tristan
go to the bathroom.
No, you and I go to thebathroom after you and Tristan
have gone to the bathroomtogether, and first of all,
we're not doing drugs in thebathroom, we just like company
in the bathroom.

(05:09):
Yeah, it's like a oh, can I seeyou in my office?
Exactly, yeah, can I see youback here?
And Caleb tells me that Kim andTristan have had a whole
conversation about me and Nickhaving sex that night.
And he tells me that nick wantsto talk tonight.
And so I go back to the tableand I'm like, okay, well,

(05:31):
clearly our publicists have beentalking and your people have
talked to my people and you'rereally just like setting this
all up.
Bless you, bless you again.
Yes, so then.
But so which good thing.

Speaker 2 (05:46):
I was in the mood to bottom because whenever she was
like, yeah, like just uh, nickwas telling me that he really
wants to talk tonight and I waslike, well, lucky for you and
your client I can deliver thatmy client has taken his venom
useful consistently this weekand then whenever we all finally
like our set of the sideconversations.
We all come back together.
Our set of the sideconversations.
We all come back together.
I say that and you were like nocause, I think did you just

(06:09):
tell me You're like and I deucedyeah Cause.
I was in the bathroom Cause.
So with them at the end of it,we all just start sharing just
in case.
And then Tristan and I are likeacting like we.
Okay, well, next time, mytalent, you cannot leave me out
of the loop.
Yeah, because if you want toget the job or this role, I need
to be able to present you in away that is going to allow you

(06:31):
to get that role Right.
So, anyway, besides all of that, then we had I think I had
three margaritas.

Speaker 1 (06:37):
I had worked all day Three margaritas, I don't put it
in my butt.
Yeah, in my butt.
Yeah.
Well, I will tell you thatpublicist really delivered and
my butthole is quite sore thismorning, in a good way, uh-huh,
you know how sometimes when youyour butthole hurts, but it's
like a bad hurt and you're like,oh fuck, Like something's not

(06:58):
right.
I got, like you know, a rugburn from a condom.
That was too big or whatever Ifeel like the gonorrhea is bad.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (07:04):
Yeah, and then sometimes it's like yeah.
It's like you're sore from,like the gym Sore from the gym,
yeah, and it kind of likereminds you of like how much fun
you had last night and you'vebeen worked out.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah.
Yeah, and I got worked out lastnight, but I do want to recap

(07:34):
gonna be a long intro, so we'regonna have to cut some of that
which we can hear back.
But, um, what I think?
I think that the the catalystfor me, like really big word for
you it is, isn't it for mereally like?
Oh, my god, like I'm noticingchanges in myself was wednesday
night, so for those who don'tknow, kyle myself, dav, david
and our other friend, matt, whohas a foot fetish, um played in
a gay pickleball league and itwas literally just like this
year end pride sports.
So, like any of the pridesports dodgeball, um, kickball,

(07:57):
pickleball, whatever- they didthis cornhole like thing at cuff
and invited club here inSeattle.
Yeah, and we go.
And we were like, okay, like Itold david, I was like my hard
cut off time is 10 pm we go andit's kind of like very middle
school dancey.
When we get there, yeah, allthe lights are on.
They have snacks thrown fromcostco everywhere.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
Chips for roche wait we that you pronounced it right
we have to talk about that thatnight, okay.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
So anyway, I'm gonna get to like the juice of why I
felt this way, but I have toshare a funny story about me and
Kyle.
Tangent surprise yes that youwere like oh, that guy's really
cute and I'm like oh.
I'm gonna go talk to him you'relike no, you're not.
And then I walk right past himand I look at him and I said I
chickened out.

Speaker 1 (08:44):
And then I grab a Ferrero Rocher.
My publicist chickened out.

Speaker 2 (08:46):
I was like I have a Ferrero Rocher.
I can ask him if he wants aFerrero Rocher.

Speaker 1 (08:50):
And you were like do you want a Ferrero Rocher?
I was like, no, because I'm notgoing to put chocolate in my
mouth and then go talk to himbecause you chickened out for me
.
So now I have to.
And you know what?
Not only was he like smokinghot, he also is getting his
degree in psychiatry.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Yeah, and we were hooting andhollering for a good like 20

(09:14):
minutes.
Oh, but then the best partabout it is this is like
throwback to a couple episodesago about Palm Springs.
The only reason that.
I got into that house wasbecause someone dropped out last
minute.
And who was it that dropped out, that guy that you chickened
out on breaking the ice with?

Speaker 2 (09:34):
And just to think, kyle, well, I guess you know it
is good he wasn't there, becauseI was like you could have
hooked up with him.
But no, you couldn't have,because you wouldn't have been
invited if he went.
Correct, yeah, so you know what?
It.
Funny how the universe is teamgay.
Absolutely.
It eventually brought you backthe person that you were missing
out on, so that happened.
But back to why.
I think that this night kind ofsparked I don't know Some

(09:54):
self-love.
Yeah, and just giving myselfcredit for things.
Yeah, you and I thrived in thissetting we did you would have
thought it was our own event andwe split it up to host.
You and I thrived in this likesetting.
We did, like we were.
You would have thought it wasour own event and we like split
it up to like host Like we werelike, okay, let's play cornhole
and we were getting peopleinvolved and we were tickled

(10:15):
pink and people were hooting andhollowing with us.

Speaker 1 (10:18):
And we even had, like I don't know if I want to call
it like a fan, but someone thatI went on like a non-date with,
who kind of ghosted me afterthis non-date, come up to us and
then hang out with us like theentire night and then by the end
of the night he was likebegging to be on the podcast
Phineas.

Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yes, oh, okay, I'm following Phineas and.
Ferb yes, yes, yes, yes.
And the way that I felt so,seen Kyle and I was like thank
God that you had a youngersister.

Speaker 1 (10:44):
I was like, what are the chances?
You just looked like Phineasfrom Phineas and Ferb.

Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (10:48):
But this night sparked a lot of self-love
because it was the first nightor first outing socially and I
couldn't tell you greater than ayear that I didn't have a lick
of social anxiety.
Did you take?
any supplements?
No, wow, I did like later inthe night when we were there,

(11:09):
but like no, and I had like mywork week has still been just as
tough as it usually is, butlike I, just what do you think
it was about that night?
You know what I'm going to tieback to your sister.
I think that she gave me thecomfort of like just fucking be
yourself and I, literally,whenever she was here, it just

(11:29):
felt like I was like, yes, hypergirly, like no one's making me
feel bad for it and someone'sloving it, which is how I felt
when I first moved to Seattleand then at the, my breakup, I
think, took a lot of that awayfrom me, but anyway, lot of that
away from me, um, but anyway.
So then we do that and rememberI said our hard cut off time
was 10 um.

Speaker 1 (11:49):
Turns out that I lied yeah, um, so I'm mainly because
I was like I want to sing akaraoke song.
I heard that there was karaoketonight.
Someone mentioned somethingabout karaoke, so we need to go
sing a karaoke song and I thinkone karaoke turned into two
karaoke, turned into threekaraoke and then it would turn
into one o'clock in the morningbut we just were enjoying
ourselves.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
Yeah, the next thing I know it's 2 am and I'm eating
enchiladas in the bathtub yeah,but you forgot to mention the
russian korean guy.
Oh my god so then everyone, solike everyone is singing karaoke
, and like there's kyle wouldprobably have been the second
best singer because that oneperson, remember that, set

(12:27):
behind that was like a leopardprint top.
Yeah, phenomenon, phenomenon,yeah so then Kyle was like okay,
kyle's number two.
And then this someone rushedthis twink, dethroned me, this
twink from Russia.
We met him afterwards.
He shared this information,saying ave maria and the
original fucking key.
And you would have thought thatI was at.
I felt like the opera house,that, or like, uh, when I saw

(12:49):
christina aguilera, like I juststood up.

Speaker 1 (12:51):
I wasn't speaking.

Speaker 2 (12:52):
I stood up and started clapping for this person
as if I was at a concert rightfrom your booth.
Yes, yeah, and I literally toldkyle's like I'm in love with
him.
Meanwhile he's a twink, but notvery cute, but then he did send
you dick pics on Grindr and Iwas inspecting the texture of
his dick, because you and I havebeen talking about this
recently, which that's anothertangent, maybe that's, we'll

(13:14):
save it for the Unwilly Awards,so that's kind of the.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
but the best part was that after, like, he messaged
you and I think maybe like lostchat with you on Grindr because
you were eating corn in the bathor whatever- I had an enchilada
.

Speaker 2 (13:31):
Yeah, this time it was an enchilada much more
intact.

Speaker 1 (13:33):
Yeah.
Then he messaged me and I waslike oh, don't you have a crush
on Caleb?
And he goes.
No, I know.
What I didn't tell you was thathe's like no, I have a crush on
you, kyle.

Speaker 2 (13:46):
No, because you were like oh, I thought you and Caleb
, and he was like, yeah, youmessaged me.
And I was like, bitch, youmessaged me.
Maybe that's why I was soexcited.
He didn't send me dick picsthough, just like, yeah, well, I
kind of wish I can share themwith you.
No, concerned about the waysomething connected?

(14:06):
Yeah, get connected for free.
So that was kind of like ourweek of like updates.
We mainly just spoke in amonologue and we now want to get
into the topic.

Speaker 1 (14:13):
I'm gonna let um caleb introduce the topic,
because I've talked enough aboutmyself yes, you have and caleb
kind of came to me with thisidea, which I loved, so, anyways
, I'm gonna let caleb kind ofcame to me with this idea, which
I loved, so, anyways, I'm goingto let Caleb kind of lead this,
not let you.
It's our podcast, so you knowyou get to take the reins every
once in a while and you're afabulous host, so I'm going to
let you introduce the topic.

Speaker 2 (14:35):
Slay To preface the topic.
All of this thought patternhappened when, I think, you and
David were out of town.
I was here by myself and it wason Halloween.
Yes, because I rememberinterviewing you about Palm
Springs.
I was here alone and thethought that came up is or the

(15:00):
topic I really want to talkabout is using the idea of
perspective on Halloween.
I was here by myself and I waskind of just reflecting on the
last few years, specifically onHalloween, and how different
they were, and then I juststarted having like perspective
of how much could change in ayear and I spoiler alert is

(15:22):
really I've been using thatsince Halloween and it's helped
me work through a lot of things.
But also, like I know it'sheavy now, but it's not going to
be heavy forever.
Yeah.
So kind of like the timestamp ofHalloween.
The last few years my life hasbeen so different and it was
like, oh, even though shit ishard right now, your life can
literally look so, so differenta year from now.

(15:43):
Yeah, your life can literallylook so, so different a year
from now.
Yeah, and that makes iteverything just not feel as
heavy, and I just kind of wantedlike to share my thoughts that
I've had.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
What specifically about the last couple years has
looked different on halloween sookay, that's a good idea.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
I want to talk about like a little snippet of each
halloween, starting with 2021 tonow okay, are you gonna start
with like costumes?
no, no, I used to not be areally important part I used to
not be a girl that dressed upand now I'm like dressing up for
a theme party and it's atuesday and I'm like no, I could
never wear a halloween outfit.

(16:20):
Um, so halloween in 2021.
I was my first time moving awayfrom home.
I had moved because I went tocharlotte for a softball
tournament.
My partner at the time hadgotten a job in cleveland, so he
asked me to move with him.
And how?
Long were you?
together.
Oh, that's complicated, oh okay, no it's only complicated

(16:42):
because we literally only datedfrom like we met oh my God,
halloween 2020.
We didn't even meet but hemessaged me after the tournament
.
He saw me Halloween 2020.
And then we finally met for thefirst time after Thanksgiving
2020 at another tournament.
We started like dating.
He had come in a few times, helived in Boston and we broke up

(17:04):
like in may.
Then there was a lot of toxicback and forth.
Like he was like I can't loveyou, whatever next thing I know
come world series.
You're dating again.
Like ish, uh-huh.
And then he was like do youwant to move with me?
So I was like okay, so this?

Speaker 1 (17:18):
is wow halloween is like I know they say it's gay
christmas, but I think for you,but it might be, I think.

Speaker 2 (17:24):
I'm a witch.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
Well, that's true yeah, you mean a bitch.

Speaker 2 (17:27):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (17:29):
I am a bitch.
Yeah, Halloween 2021, we're inCharlotte playing softball and
immediately after the Halloweennight we start driving to
Cleveland, Ohio, and I moved toCleveland out of Tennessee for
the first time and I moved therewith a boy and I was going to
start travel nursing.
I was not living at homeanymore, as in like living where
I was born and raised, which isforeshadowing.

(17:51):
This is the same ex that led meto moving across the country
after our breakup From Ohio toSeattle.
Yeah.
Okay, so I moved there.
We weren't even there six weeksbefore we broke up.
What?

Speaker 1 (18:01):
Yeah, what?
Yeah, six weeks you moved toohio from tennessee and then,
six weeks later, you broke upsix weeks we break up.

Speaker 2 (18:07):
He goes home for christmas.
I'm alone in a city I had justmoved to by myself no friends no
, I just moved there yeah, andit's like christmas and I was do
all.
It was fucking frigid, it snowsa lot in cleveland.
I didn't know that.
I hate.
Yeah, they literally like, oh,it's gonna snow 17 inches, what?
You still expect me to come tothe hospital and take care of
patients?
What Anyway?

(18:28):
So I, honestly, betweenChristmas and when I finally got
to leave in February because Iwas a 13-week contract,
literally halfway through webroke up.
I had moved out, I had gottenan Airbnb and I was really it
was the lowest point of my life,like I literally was like
laying on the bathroom floorjust wishing not to be alive,

(18:49):
not that I was suicidal, but Iwas like this fucking sucks,
like cause.
You're dramatic because we,yeah, but like all of my, I left
all of my family, my friendsand people who your community
and all the things you'refamiliar.
Yeah, and I didn't listen tothem and they were all like
that's probably not a great idea, but to me and I knew deep down

(19:09):
it wasn't a great idea to movethere.
But I'm so glad that I if Ihadn't have given it that full
of a shot, then I would havebeen.
I think it still would havebeen this toxic playing out in
my head.
It's like well, I didn't showup for him or I didn't do this,
so I was that's when I startedtherapy for the first time or
like real therapy not like mygetting sent to not me getting

(19:30):
sent to therapy for being gay,but like
actual, like I sought it out.
Therapy, yeah, and on your ownterms, yes, and I was like
life's not that fucking bad.
No, fuck this.
Because I was making way moremoney than I ever had, because
that's back when travelers wasmaking a shit money than I ever
had, because that's back whentravel nurse was making a shit
ton and I literally had neverbeen to Seattle.
I applied to Seattle and DC formy next travel nurse gigs and I

(19:54):
got the Seattle job, picked upeverything and moved out there.
Out here, moved out here.

Speaker 1 (20:01):
So that was the first , so 13 weeks after yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
Yeah, moving there and I was going through that
hell, laying on the bathroomfloor and I was like life's not
going to get any better.
And then fast forward tohalloween 2022.
I was in toronto my first timeout of the country, with my now
most recent ex having the timeof my life, like it was so much

(20:26):
fun going to like these, likecircuit parties and just being
with great people, and I justremember that Halloween like, oh
my God, like this time lastyear, my life was so different
and I was like life can't getany more different.
Like between two set dates thanthis.
So, um, we I was I, I said my ex, now he we weren't dating, then

(20:48):
we were just friends, we werehaving, you know, friends with
benefits.
But that was that halloween andI was finally like thriving in
across the country all on my own, and I never thought I would be
able to get there, compared tome laying on the bathroom floor.
Yeah then, halloween 2023, Iwas officially dating my most
recent ex and I think thatweekend was actually the first

(21:13):
time, the first of three times,that he broke up with me and I
was just like it sends you rightback to the 2021.
Yeah, bathroom floor, yeah yeah,and I was just like what the
hell is, you know?
Fuck, halloween, halloween andwe.
We literally just through theweekend we weren't talking.
Then we got back togetherfollowing monday but I was just

(21:35):
like are you kidding me?
Like I was in cleveland on thebathroom floor, then I'm here.
And then, 2023, I'm here anddating someone officially after
a long ass I don't knowescapades, and then to wanted to
flash forward to Halloween.
This year I was single.
I was home alone that night.

(21:55):
I'm now a manager at my hospicejob, I'm permanently living in
Seattle, I have a podcast anddating again, and I live in a
house with two roommates Likeand I there's a lot more Like,
so much has changed.
Yeah, there's a lot more of thenitty gritty that I could get
into and it's less about.
Oh yeah, halloween was hardthat year but it got better this
year and then it's less.
It just put into perspectivewait, 2023, halloween wasn't

(22:20):
that fucking long ago and theversion of me that I am now I
would have never expected herguest, the version of me now,
cleveland, bathroom floor, calebwould never have thought
existed.
That caleb wanted to die.
And I am out here managingpeople permanently living in
seattle with a podcast andthere's still a lot of struggles

(22:43):
, but that's it.
So, basically, this is whatstarted all of these thoughts is
how much can change in thatshort amount of time, like of
just a year?

Speaker 1 (22:52):
I mean I think that, like, like you said, taking a
minute to think about likeperspective and how much things
can change in a very shortperiod of time, I mean to me
like a year is a short period oftime I think to some people
it's not but, like, day to day,your mood can change, things can

(23:13):
happen, you know, week to week,whatever that can have like
such a huge impact on your moodand your perspective, on your
own life, your successes, yourfailures.
And I think it's huge that youtook the time to think about how

(23:34):
much your life has changed inthe last year or a couple years.

Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, because it seems to really be benefiting
your own headspace and I thinkto best just sum it up or
describe it is you knowheadspace and I I think to best
just like sum it up or describeit is you know how we talk about
sitting in the heavy and Ithink of that as like you're
sitting in, like a well, likethere's full to the top with
water.
That's the heavy.
That's how I felt, like I keptliving and interacting with all

(24:00):
these heavy scenarios that I had, you know, been struggling with
recently.
But then, if I look at all thedifferent wells that I was in
over the last four years, and Istill managed to get out of
them- so then my thought almostchanged up.
Oh, it's not a deep dark.
Well, when something's heavyand it's going to be impossible
to climb out, of, it's just abucket.

(24:21):
And it's not like it can feelreally, really heavy then.
But if you just really committo start working on yourself and
like living life, you get outof that bucket or that well so
much faster what do you thinkare like?

Speaker 1 (24:38):
you know, if you're going to give advice to someone
that was in a dark hole, likeyou've been in the past, what
are some things that you feellike helped you the most to get
out of them?
Just, embrace.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
I don't know.
I just really feel like I'vejust been this week.
I know I've been saying I'mmanic, but it's just because
I've been acting how I want toembrace.
Change you mean?
No, just embrace yourself, likewhatever version of you that
you are.
Yeah, and I think you have toldme that, like, even if I'm in
the heavy or if I'm havingnegative thoughts, like just
embrace how many times have Isaid caleb, you're too hard on

(25:10):
yourself at least twice at leasttwice on this podcast in the
same.
Yeah, yeah um, so that's pieceof advice is that's a generic
one like just love yourself, butlike stop surrounding yourself,
or like committing yourself, orlike interacting with people or
thoughts, or that you don'tfeel good about yourself.

(25:32):
That's another aspect of it.
And I think a big aspect likethat's helped lead to that is
like we haven't been on socialmedia as much.
Well, we, but, like I, haven'tas much just because it's been
on my iPad.
So that's.
It doesn't have to be like aphysical person, like
interacting with outside noiseand just like I don't know,
really just getting in tune withyourself and your gut.
And I'm not there yet, but Ithat piece of advice is helping

(25:57):
me get to where I want to be.

Speaker 1 (25:59):
Yeah, I think that like something that's really
helped me over the last I don'tknow decade or so has been.
I think that everyone kind ofhas this internal monologue, or
you know that like voice in yourhead, that's you know your own
brain talking to yourself, and alot of times it is so harsh,

(26:24):
that voice, and we are soself-critical of ourselves and
we don't hear ourselves talkingabout ourselves in a positive
light and giving ourselves likea pat on the back and
celebrating like the wins thatwe have, even when it's like a
shitty day or a shitty week or ashitty month or a shitty year.
Even when it's like a shittyday or a shitty week or a shitty

(26:47):
month or a shitty year, butwhen your friend is going
through a hard time, the thingthat your friend tells you is
that person you know doesn'tdeserve you.
Or you know you're going to getthrough this.
Or you know you're so smart andyou're so talented and even
though you got fired from yourjob and you broke up with your
boyfriend, like you, you know meand you lost your house or
whatever you know things aregonna get better.

(27:09):
And when you're talking toyourself, those aren't the words
that you use usually.
I mean for people who are likereally high functioning, good
for you and don't needtherapists.

Speaker 3 (27:17):
Great, wow, but we get it.
You were raised.
You're not invited to the nmoaAwards.

Speaker 1 (27:22):
Right, but really our internal monologue should sound
more like that.
It should sound more like whatour friends would say to us when
we are in a deep dark hole.
And I'm seeing this switch inyour head where you're starting
to talk to yourself.
The way that I talk about you,you know.

(27:43):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and it's really good tosee.
Oh, thank you.

Speaker 2 (27:48):
That's really sweet and I appreciate.
You have always been verysupportive and I agree that you
know we should talk to ourselvesthat way.
But it also is so tough becauseyou know I do the same thing
for friends.
Like I'm talking them up, I'mlike, no, you're I cause to me.
I'm like I don't hang out withfucking lame ass.

(28:09):
People Like you're phenomenal orlike you're, I'm genuinely mean
these words, but if you don'tbelieve it about yourself, they
can only do so much.
Those words can only do so much.
Yeah, and I think the reason Idon't I've thought about this
idea you know years past, but Ithink this year while.
why it is finally, like you knowclicking clicking in my brain

(28:33):
is I was embodying this Caleband I kept telling you the old
me I want to get back to the oldme Majority of the time I've
been in Seattle the version thatI and you know what I could be
depressed next week.
This could all just be like meh.
It was just like a positivemoment, but like I so.
But I'm just not going tochoose to think that way.

(28:57):
Um the, the Caleb that I'minteracting with now, I think,
is one that I do genuinely love,and I I speak so ill of myself
when I'm in that hole, and thereason is, I think, because you
know, the one thing in commonwith the four year, three year
or four years that I chose tospeak about are boys that I was
seeing yeah, that's.
What I noticed too was like howmuch you define those past

(29:21):
halloweens by who you're withand I think that subconsciously
because I now just is now evenclicking even more is because I
define my worth by an externalperson mm-hmm and the most
recent breakup I went through.
I didn't do that.
For the longest time I was justmyself and I was like fuck this

(29:42):
, because there was thatdetachment because, they were
married and once that detachmentwent away and we started
officially dating, I fell intothe old habits of losing myself
in someone.

Speaker 1 (29:58):
And defining your worth based off of what someone
else thought of you and thinkingso poorly of myself.

Speaker 2 (30:03):
When is a crazy thought like the person that you
wanted to be with and you enjoybeing around has.
Then you just start flippingand start tearing myself apart
and I'm not like, I'm not gonnajust go like, oh, and he didn't
cause it.
There's probably a lot ofthings that had.
You know, that sparked this inmyself.
Yeah, but I think it's less ofhim and what he did and I think

(30:27):
it's fully on me is that's theonly routine I knew how to be in
is oh, it's a pattern that youknew how to predict exactly
that's really started inCleveland that Halloween.
And once I started becoming lessof myself, we had eventually
led to a breakup.
Because, like, you can't justlike be a blood sucker of like,

(30:48):
oh, I need all my life andenergy out of this one human
Right Cause that's never goingto work out.
Yeah and it.
It's a lesson that I needed tolearn so I can stop that cycle
the next time.
So, even if I'm at a great spotand I meet someone, I don't let
myself start slipping into the.
I'm not good enough, I'm notworth it, I'm not this, I'm not

(31:10):
that, you know.

Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yeah, change one thing different about the way
you spent your halloween of 2021or the way you reacted to your
breakup with your ex in ohio,because that's clearly you know.
It sounds like that's wherewhat you, where you learned this
kind of maladaptive behavior orthis maladaptive coping

(31:35):
mechanism.
You're looking at me with aquestion mark on your face
maladaptive.
I know you're not adaptingappropriately.
Right, yeah, you're like copingin a way that maybe like isn't
healthy, Right?
So if you could change onething about like how you were
coping, then when you learn thatbehavior, what would?

(31:58):
What would you do differentlywhen you learn?

Speaker 2 (31:59):
that behavior?
What would you do differently?
I wish that I could convinceCaleb that he is the sun, the
moon, the stars.
Like that, life isn't great,because you have someone great.
And I think that that was mygenuine belief, my entire life,
and it's mostly because, oh, I'monly feeling loved, because I

(32:21):
have to make myself needed in arelationship.
That's another topic, but Iwish that I could make him
believe that and like, genuinelybelieve it, because then, if
someone's not in your lifeanymore, you don't feel like
someone pulled the plug or likeyour life's over and I think
that that's something that isimpossible to learn until you go

(32:44):
through it a few times, becauseyou know I'm stubborn.
First time.
It's not my fault second time,not my fault.
So that's what I, that's how.
None.
That's not even an aspect thatI would do to say I was coping
differently.
That's just a mindset that Iwish I could make him believe.

Speaker 1 (32:59):
I think that's not even an aspect that I would do
to say I was coping differently.
That's just a mindset that Iwish I could make him believe.
I think that's a good answer.
It's also like very likeheteronormative, I think, to
kind of over invest into arelationship because we've all
been told our entire lives youknow everyone on this planet
that you need to find someonethat makes you whole you know

(33:23):
and growing up in the south likewhere it's mostly seeing
straight couples, they wereforcing that yeah you know,
because, like people especiallythere, they were not having sex
till marriage and they like,nope, we can't get a divorce
because you're my person orwhatever right.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
so like I was even.
I feel like it even morestrengthened that.
But then also seeing therelationship between my parents
of it not being super healthy,and then recreating that that's
the only way I'm convinced in mybrain that's probably the only
reason I moved to Cleveland isbecause of my attachment style
my anxious attachment of oh, youpulled away and now you're back

(34:01):
.
Now I'm latching on.
Of course I'll fucking move toCleveland with you.

Speaker 1 (34:05):
Right In the dead of winter, because my self-worth is
tied to who you are, who we areas a couple, and you know where
we are in space and time.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
Yeah, and another thought I just had with that is
there's flags where you I cannotice the patterns, looking
back, of like, oh, if I wouldhave paid attention to this, I
could have like put a pause orlike a oh, caleb, we need a
reality check before we keepgetting more and more invested.
Yeah, like whenever we were inCleveland Halloween come
Thanksgiving we were stilltogether.
He chose to go have dinner athis boss and left me and there
alone and I was like, and I feltlike I would, my world was

(34:45):
being ripped.
I was like why would someone dothat to me?
And then, instead of like ifyou're not that dependent on
someone, you're like you'regonna have more of a level head.
It's like no, I know like that'san important job, but go do
that also I'm like absolutelyfucking not right you don't just
get to leave me on like myfirst right, you know holiday
out of there, like it would havemade me advocate or stand up
for myself more yeah and notlike oh.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
Now I just need to lean in more and get more
connected, right that's a bigperspective and this came up on
the last episode with my sister.
But we talked about how, growingup, our parents were in a open
relationship and, yeah, mysister talks about like how

(35:27):
she's had issues with definingyou know what that relationship
is and how to explain it toother people.
But for me, maybe because I'mlike a decade older than my
sister people, but for me, maybebecause I'm like a decade older
than my sister, I feel likethat relationship that I got to
see between my mom and her dadwas actually like one that, yeah

(35:51):
, it was unconventional and atthe time it was like kind of
hard to understand.
But looking back on it nowgives me so much perspective on
what a healthy relationship canlook like outside of the realm
of like traditional, likeheteronormative relationships,
especially in the sense that,like I get I got to see my mom

(36:14):
not fall into the traps thatyou're talking about.
You know where.
She didn't have all of theanxieties and self-worth tied up
into another person and I don'tknow if like that has anything
to do with their openrelationship or just how she is
as a human being, but I thinkthat the fact that they were in

(36:37):
an open relationship and I gotto see.
That allowed me to see thatside of her.
You know what I mean, oh wow,and I got to like kind of
internalize and see like, yeah,alternatives to getting so tied
up, yeah, in that sort of yeah,stereotypical, toxic love cycle.

Speaker 2 (36:57):
You know typical toxic love cycle.
You know well, it's almost likegiving you a new reality of a
situation.
You're like, oh, love doesn'thave to be a toxic cycle,
because you were like no, like.
This is a different avenue,this is a different outcome,
this is a different like optionyeah and that oh.
wow, I really like that becauseI think you know the the same

(37:18):
thing I've talked about is likelove is comparative.
You can only compare it toprevious love.
No, you can also look outsideof only the love you've had and
know that you deserve better,even if you haven't had it.
Yeah.
Like, even if you're stuck in aconstant cycle, you're like no,
it was modeled for me that thereis a different option.
Yeah, and I think a lot ofpeople aren't exposed to

(37:41):
different options of love andwhat it could like healthy looks
like.
They just think of it, of oh,this is what love has to look
like.
Despite all the negative cycles,I'm going to fight tooth and
nail to get to the one that hasto look like, and I think that
maybe that's what your sister,your sister, could be struggling
with too, is no, I wanted y'allto be cookie cutter, because

(38:04):
everyone else was exactly andlike, and I actually have seen
probably the biggest shift inher in the last like year,
especially just on this lasttrip where I feel like some of
that like need to fit in haskind of subsided.
I can agree with that.

(38:24):
Even just meeting her a yearago to now, Uh-huh, right, you
see it.
And immediately I'm going to.
I'm sorry, bella, this isn't ajab at you, but in general, you
know how I like to admit myignorant thinking.
I was like, oh yeah, becauseshe lost some immaturity she
grew up.
But I was like, oh yeah,because like she lost some like,
um, immaturity, like she grewup.
But I was like wanting love andlike not understanding how to
ask for it, or like the you know, an appropriate relationship

(38:47):
with love isn't immature and solike that was like an act of
like.
Nope, we're gonna stop thatright there.
But she you couldn't just tellshe just has this like
confidence and you know I'm Iwell, I do know, because you
know she shared a few things butthat she still has a lot of
work to do.
But the fact that just the wayshe spoke about herself and her

(39:09):
life and like how, what she'sexcited about and like it is, I
bet, especially for a brother,it's so wonderful probably I
feel so proud of her for, like,yeah, making the steps that
she's made to be the person thatshe is and be proud of who she
is.

Speaker 1 (39:24):
you know wherever she came from, and I think that
feeling like you belongsomewhere is such an important
part of growing up, and feelinglike you're part of a community
of people that understand youand accept you, and I think that
it's like the knee-jerkreaction to just try to fit in

(39:50):
in order to have that well, Ithink the idea is like finding
your stability security is likeoh, if I fit in then I can work
on all that shit, or like ohthen there is no shit to work on
, but like fitting in isliterally opposite of belonging.

Speaker 2 (40:07):
I love when you give me challenging thought patterns
like this, because we don'tthink about that.
We would think we would likethe opposite of belonging.
I would be like unwanted, yeah.
But that's not true.
It's the same idea of like theopposite of love.
Is it that or what it is?
The opposite of love isn't hateor like it's indifference,
right and so like.

Speaker 1 (40:25):
But once you like, stop trying to fit in and you
find people that accept you forwho you are, then you belong
that's so interesting.

Speaker 2 (40:35):
do you think that people who go through these huge
changes it's almost like theyhave to disrupt their lives so
much to finally start listeningto themselves.
Like when people talked aboutlike Miley Cyrus, like she was
like no, I'm going to do acomplete one, 80.
It's a bit now it's almost likeyou can like a bomb so you can
just get rid of all the noiseand offset your life.

Speaker 1 (40:57):
so much to like no you have to have an identity
crisis almost in order to findyourself.

Speaker 2 (41:04):
And I yeah, yeah.
And I think that you know itmakes me like not judge people
who do crazy ass things.
Shave their head, yeah.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Or you know, dance on Robin Thicke's dick, which is
he's not even cute.
But like like that, I'm goingto judge you about girl stick,
which is he's not even cute.
But like like that, I'm gonnajudge you about girl.

Speaker 2 (41:23):
Yeah, um, I, I don't think that everyone has to go
through that.
No, no, not everyone needs anidentity crisis, but like it
kind of makes you more funnyabsolutely like grow up, have
some trauma, like the rest of us, have an identity crisis like
grow up yeah, um I, but you wereso good about helping me like,
uh, get these thoughts out of mybrain, because I think that
initially having it's like anequation, initially having all

(41:44):
of this, you know perspectivethinking, and then your sister
coming and like seeing her andhow she's embodying herself and
like is accepting and lovingthat you know halloween's
perspective thinking plus hervisit and like just interacting
with her, is what is inspiringme to be able to have this

(42:05):
conversation, or like think thisway because I had this
perspective you know thoughtsback in halloween.
it's now december and I hadn'tdone or like improved or like
felt any better.
So I think that that, plus beBella's visit, is allowing me to
sit here and be confident andbe like, yeah, life isn't so
fucking bad.
It's going to actually like.

(42:26):
It makes me, I told you, I'mre-inspired again.
That's how I feel and that's ingeneral, not even about work or
crafting, just life, yeah, andit's.

Speaker 1 (42:35):
Remember when you asked me the other day, like
Kyle, what are you holding spacefor right now?
And you remember what my answerwas patience, patience, yeah,
and I feel like I'm veryimpatient.
Well, I said that likesarcastically, because you were
just like being manic and Ididn't have the patience for it.
So I was just like I'm tryingto have patience for yourself
right now and like you realizethat all the things that you

(43:08):
want in life don't need tohappen tomorrow.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
You know, and it doesn't have to be a big move or
a big breakup or a bigsomething to get that life.

Speaker 1 (43:16):
Yeah, it can be like baby steps towards what you want
to get that life.
Yeah, it can be like baby stepstowards what you want, not huge
moves across the country with apartner or breaking up with
someone or getting together withsomeone or married or yeah, or
whatever.
Like, if you don't, you don'thave to have that identity
crisis moment or that complete,you know breakdown and build
back up again in order to getthere.

(43:37):
You can also just kind of likepatch the, the, the crumbling
foundation or whatever, and andbuild something new on top of it
.

Speaker 2 (43:46):
Do you remember whenever your one of your
advices that you spoke about waslove is so beautiful even if
it's not reciprocated?
And I said I'm working withback to the idea of like
building, you know, I guess, myfoundation, my foundation, so
that way, if love is ripped awayfrom me, I'm not falling near
as far and having to rebuild orrecline I feel like I am

(44:06):
rebuilding and reclimbing tohelp with that.
Yeah, so my identity and youknow what.
I may fall in love and be apsychopath and, you know, be a
stage rock player to them and gothrough all this again.
Can't wait to see you this timenext year, kyle, but I.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
I can't wait to be here to see it.
It's almost like I'll catch youwhen you fall.
That's sweet.
I said when you fall, that's sosweet.

Speaker 2 (44:30):
And you'll throw me in the air at the bar and next
day.
I'll be a trampoline baby, butI think it's almost like Leg.
I feel like someone breaking upor leaving me.
They don't get to have thepower of removing all these
Legos For me.
You just have to keep trying torebuild again.
It's like no, I'm laying thesebricks in stone, you're not
going to get to take them withyou.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
Right, I have a question for you that's kind of
forward-looking, and then onethat's backwards-looking.
Okay, where do you want to?
Start you pick.
Okay, we'll start with this one, because I think it's a
positive one.
When you look back at this pastyear, what was the single most
special moment for you betweenHalloween 2023 and Halloween

(45:10):
2024?

Speaker 2 (45:13):
I think it was Halloween 2024.
Yeah.
And I think it's because Inaturally started was like oh,
I'm alone on halloween and Ishould be like.
Last year I was partying it up,I was doing this, I had plans,
I had someone to depend and Iwas feeling sorry for myself and
I kind of like, no, fuck that,this is what I want to be doing.
I'm exhausted.
I want to be at home, but thatthat weekend, it's almost like I

(45:39):
didn't have to, luckily, gothrough like an identity crisis,
but it was like love, livingwith you, other people, but like
it was almost like my world wassilent.
I didn't feel like I hadalthough you never forced me
this way but I didn't feel likeI had to perform.
I could just exist and be Caleb, and it was almost like a.

(46:00):
It felt like a reset, yeah, andso I think that that moment was
really big for me.
Um, because there was a lot ofother like positive moments, but
I think that one was the, the,the biggest standout one, and
it's probably because I mymemory is shit and that's the
most recent.

Speaker 1 (46:18):
I thought you were going to say when I was I was
crying um on top of your head atkai go but that's fine, it's
fine, no, it's fine.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
It's fine the way that I thought it was so
important to you.
The way that I was going to sayit was that it was the day in pv
, but I wanted to again likechallenge myself in a cycle of
not doing it externally.
But my genuine answer was theday that the airdrop nudes day,
that it was just the you and Ilike in pv, and we were just
doing it for the plot, but alsojust existing like I think I was

(46:47):
reading a book.
We were laying by the pool.
I was like no, I don't want togo on the boat.
You're like I really don'teither.
And we were just.
That's the first time I feltlike.

Speaker 1 (46:54):
I was like oh, I can do whatever I want, and I can
just like do whatever everyoneelse wants to do.

Speaker 2 (46:59):
Yeah, Well, I felt that way before, but around you
I felt that way.
I was like, no, he's going toyou, just didn't give me any
pressure.
Yeah, but like independentlyand I think that's what I'm
trying to like get across inthis episode is to be able to
have these happy, healthyrelationships or love or
whatever connection you want.

(47:20):
You really do have to loveyourself, and that sounds so,
you know, choogy.

Speaker 1 (47:28):
That's not it yeah no , but like you can't rely on
someone else to complete you,you have to be a complete person
on your own.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (47:36):
And I think the substance was written about my
life, because she the Demi Mooremovie.
Yes, oh, okay, because she wastrying to overdraw out of
someone and was sucking the lifeout of it.
Yeah, and without balance oflike yeah, the relationship's
important, but all I'm most I'malso important and advocating
standing up for yourself anddoing what's best for you you're
going to end up as a monsterthat is exploding blood all over

(47:58):
if you, if you haven't seen the.
Substance you have to watch it.
You have to watch it it took methree days to watch it because
it was scary Okay.

Speaker 1 (48:05):
My forward-looking question is like what piece of
advice would you give toyourself looking forward to
Halloween 2025?

Speaker 2 (48:16):
Lose the mindset or the idea of trying to get back
to the old caleb and learn tolove that version of caleb in
the present.
Yeah, which is again kyleyou've mentioned to me like 73
times.
Yeah, but I think that that'sthe best mindset.
Or because I don't want to belike love yourself or whatever.
Stop trying to hold on to aversion that you were and trying

(48:38):
to make that fit into where youare in your life now.
Yeah, because that's how cycleskeep going.
Because you're trying to takethis version of love that you
only know and bring it topresent day.
That's what keeps recreatingthe cycle.

Speaker 1 (48:51):
Right.
It's like something has tochange, and if you keep bringing
your past with you, then it'snot going to, it's just going to
repeat itself.

Speaker 2 (48:59):
And maybe that's something that you know you can
help hold me accountable for,instead of like I'm just trying
to get back to the old me orwhatever it's like.
I want to remove that from myvocabulary.
Yeah.
Because, although I think veryhighly of that Caleb, the only
reason I kept saying the oldme's because that old caleb got
a hot boyfriend and yeah, that'sgreat, but that caleb also

(49:24):
loved himself and was likephenomenal, which attracted said
hot boyfriend.
But right, yeah, that's myadvice forward looking.
Wasn't that a good answer?

Speaker 1 (49:34):
that was a good answer.
I was just gonna also likereflect on what you were saying
about not trying to go back towho you used to be Because, like
, when I was in California, mypartner was here in Seattle.

(49:57):
My partner was here in Seattleand I was making like a shit ton
of money in the wine industrythere and I came back for my
partner and that didn't work outand my like income like was cut
in half in order to do that andthen I lost my partner and I

(50:19):
lost my job.
You moved, I moved in with you.
That's positive.
Keep going, okay yeah.
It's not all bad and it was justlike a big change.
I feel like it's so normal towant to go back to a time when

(50:42):
things were better, you know,Cause that's the only like
perspective that you really have.
It's like if only I could likehave what I had back then now,
then I would be happy again, orI would like feel the way I felt
back then.
But timelines don't work likethat.

Speaker 2 (50:59):
Well no, and if you're thinking that way, your
ability to what your idea ofwhat happiness is is obviously
bigger than it was, if you'rehaving to go back to try to find
it.
At that time you thought youwere blissfully happy.
You didn't think it could getany better.

Speaker 1 (51:13):
Yeah, but in reality the only path forward is forward
.
You can't go back andcircumstances change and you
know life doesn't go in a linearpattern.
It zigzags around and goes upand down and that's the hoedown,
throwdown bitches, yeah, andthe only thing you can really do

(51:35):
is love your, love yourself inthe moment and accept the you
know situation that you're inand know that it's not going to
be like that forever, even ifit's like a hard time or a dark
time or a lonely time or youknow, whatever it is you're
going through.

Speaker 2 (51:52):
Why do you think it is that?
It's because logically it makessense.
But why do you think it's thehardest thing to love yourself.
Even if someone treats you likeshit, you're so willing to love
them, but you don't giveyourself like we don't give
ourselves the same.
You know what is the word?

Speaker 1 (52:09):
grace.

Speaker 2 (52:10):
Benefit of the doubt, yeah, but like why is it as a
society, as humans, why is it sohard for us to love ourselves
and why is it like a constantevolving journey?

Speaker 1 (52:20):
is because we're.
If I could answer that question, I would probably be a
millionaire.

Speaker 2 (52:23):
Well, I think I have the answer.
Oh great, I think it's becauseit's the same idea of, like, if
you're growing with a partner,you're, you're having to learn
to grow with yourself, and noone ever talks about that.
Yeah, because, like, you andyour partner are going to have
really tough times, but, likeyou, have to learn to grow
together.
But we're never taught how tolearn to grow with ourselves and

(52:45):
how our opinions or our ideasor our thoughts or like our
goals in life, evolve and change.
Yeah, I think you're welcome.
You're going to be abillionaire now.
Yep, I think that could be abig reasoning is, I mean, were
you taught how to love yourselfor how to take care of yourself?
Cause I wasn't.

Speaker 1 (53:04):
I think I learned it over time, but I don't think I
was ever taught it, no, I justkind of had to figure it out,
right?

Speaker 2 (53:14):
But no, I don't think anyone just learns that from
their parents, I don't thinkit's like an intention, I think
it is just like circumstance,like if you're going through a
hard time, like having thatparent come and be like no, I'm
going to hold you accountable,you are going to stand up for
yourself, or you're not going todo that, or go back to that or
walk you through it.
Someone who has experience andwisdom, walk you through those

(53:36):
hard times, through your lifeand explain so that way you do
get that perspective and like Idon't know, instead of just like
having to learn how to gothrough it by yourself.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
The other thing that I think is like a billion dollar
idea is that not this podcast.
Yeah, absolutely.
Not only do you have to likeaccept yourself as being ever
changing and learning that youhave to love yourself through
all of those changes and thoselike ups and downs, and those

(54:08):
like bright spots and those, youknow, dark times too, but you
also, in a relationship, have tolearn how to do that for your
partner and evolve with them,because while you're doing that
for yourself, which is hardenough on its own, you also have
to realize that your partner isalso doing that for themselves,

(54:29):
right?

Speaker 2 (54:30):
So it's like three different versions.
Exactly Each partner and therelationship.
There's three evolving beings.

Speaker 1 (54:35):
Yeah, because the relationship is going to change
based off of, you know, onechange in either partner and
those changes are going tohappen throughout your entire
life.
So when you like, really wantto like you know, commit to
someone for the rest of yourlife, you're committing to the
ups and the downs and everythingin between for you, your

(54:58):
partner and the relationship.

Speaker 2 (55:01):
I've never thought about that, about myself, like
I'm like, oh my God, yeah, I'dlove to be with someone the rest
of my life.
Well, bitch newsflash, you'reonly with yourself, guaranteed
for the rest of your life.
Yeah, so start there and beingwilling to evolve and change and
adapt and, you know, lovethrough the pain or whatever is
ultimately what I think I needto do to break the cycle and I

(55:25):
think you helped me realize thatin this conversation like that
thought pattern.
Yeah, because it's not justlike I don't know, pacifying
your life, just well enough towhere you're content and then,
once you meet that person, thenyou get to finally start living.
That's not how it works, butit's so I feel like I've.

Speaker 1 (55:46):
I've lived that way this last year, yeah, and it's
insane to me yeah, okay, this isa great episode and I'm like so
thankful that you took thereins and you brought up this
topic and we got to like kind ofdeep dive into it.
And yeah, because I don't thinkwe would have talked about it.

Speaker 2 (56:03):
Thank you for sharing I don't think we would have
talked about into this adnauseum as we have.
That's a big word for me.
We got it from a movie lastweek, but I agree I'd you're
welcome for me being the talent.

Speaker 1 (56:14):
This episode, no, um, okay, that's enough okay, let's
, let's get into, let's get intovictory and vice, oh oh my God,
oh my God, I can't wait to tellyou my victory.
Okay, go.

Speaker 2 (56:25):
Okay, let me pull up my photo vault, which is, you
know, like the locked photoalbum thing, oh God.
Okay, I have to show yousomething.
I have to make sure thevolume's off.

Speaker 1 (56:33):
Wait, this is like new news to me, mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 (56:43):
And it's a been dying to share this with you.
Who is that?
So, oh my god, I didn't evenrealize it does?
It is kind of related to whatwe've been talking about.
So remember when I told you, um, I'm february 2022, I left
cleveland, moved out to seattle,so there was a a brief, like
couple weeks, because I alwaystake off a lot of time for my
birthdays I had went to miamiwith this hot man that I kind of

(57:06):
it was like a weekend boyfriendfleeing for a few times
vacation boyfriend.
Yeah, and I gave this like whenI even when he like first was
like chasing after me, like Iwas like ick, I'm gonna go after
my toxic ex, bye, and but hejust kept, was like, he was just
such a like a gentleman, butnot in the bedroom hunter oh
yeah, so then it ended up likeso that brief period before I

(57:26):
moved, like, moved out here andgot on the plane, I was like,
where do I want to spend mybirthday?
and he was like, oh, I'm alreadygoing to be down in like fort
lauderdale, like we should domiami and I was like okay, slay
okay, mr hunky man.
Yeah, and I had we had made sexvideos and my friends,

(57:49):
specifically Clay and Mary.
I did show them and they werelike holy fuck.

Speaker 1 (57:54):
You showed them your sex video yes we're not that
level of friendship.

Speaker 2 (57:59):
I'm going to show you something and I had deleted
them in my last relationship.
We're not that level offriendship.
No, no, no.
But I'm going to show yousomething.
Okay, and I had deleted them inmy last relationship just out
of guilt in my head.
I'm like I shouldn't keep thisand I have regretted it every
day and I talk about it.
You found it.
I was able to fucking recover.
So when I say videos, it's likeindividual, different positions
.
Then you pick up the phone anddo it again.

Speaker 3 (58:22):
It's not like a you set the camera there in this
entire movie.

Speaker 2 (58:23):
Okay um, but I had been so upset, but I found them
last night.
Okay, and not only did I findthem, I was rereading all these
texts but I was blushing, oh, mygod, whatever.
Like he because, oh god, Icalled him daddy and oh it was
wonderful, and he's not evenlike old or anything like that.
But like I'm going to show yousomething.

(58:45):
It is a little inappropriate,but like it's not that bad
because there's not gonna be anynoise.

Speaker 3 (58:49):
But this is my Victor .
Stop it right now.
That is my Victor.

Speaker 1 (58:52):
Daddy, Even when I even when we make a sex video.
I can't believe you recordedthat.
I have several.

Speaker 2 (58:59):
Okay, but this man is .
This is a reason why I want to.
Don't look at me, don't look atme.
Hot as hell, holy shit, uh-huh.
And we for like.
That's how I spent my birthdaythat year and I found all of
these videos and, girl, did Iwatch them last night.

Speaker 1 (59:19):
At 5 am watching Twilight.
That's a victory.

Speaker 2 (59:21):
That is a victory, isn't that a?

Speaker 1 (59:22):
victory.

Speaker 2 (59:23):
That's why I was like do I use it as advice?
Baby, I'm happy.
Nothing negative coming fromthat, so that's my victory is I
recovered sex videos from thishot daddy that I fucked who just
recently got married.
He was engaged to that man atthe time.
Oh my God.
I recovered those videos and Icannot wait to tell Clay and
Mary about this this is going inthe Unwelly Awards.

Speaker 1 (59:46):
For sure, for sure.

Speaker 2 (59:48):
What?
The fact that I'm excited I'verecovered sex videos from a guy
who was engaged, who's nowmarried to the man.
Yeah, all of the above, yes isthe answer.
Yes, okay.

Speaker 1 (59:59):
What's your victory?
Mine's not quite as juicy, but,um, I'm like really excited
about the christmas presentsthat I bought myself.
I'm wearing some of them rightnow.
Um, okay, speaking of spendingmoney, fuck it yeah, fuck it
okay.
Well, they, you know, blockfriday sales, so it's worth it
you know you're celebrating theholiday.
You taught me how to reallyappreciate a good deal.

(01:00:20):
So I got my new rothy my highhigh top Rothies for like $100.
And they're normally like $160.
And you haven't taken them offyour feet all day.
Yeah, I even wore them in therain, which is not a good idea,
but they're fine.

Speaker 2 (01:00:32):
You wore them around the house for like hours before
you even left, with no plans.
We hadn't even planned.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
I always where she was in the house.
True, yeah, but what else didyou?
Buy I love them.
And then I bought myself apickleball um crop sweatshirt
from abercrombie and it's like.
It just like.

Speaker 2 (01:00:49):
Looks like a vintage, like um crew neck sweatshirt
they're like school boys, yeah,yeah, like you went to a
catholic boy school.
It's like your team's.
Oh God, that's hot.

Speaker 1 (01:01:00):
Go ahead.
Yeah, so that's my victory.
I just love the presents that Ibought myself, and it makes me
think about, or I want to knowfrom you when you're buying
Christmas presents for otherpeople, do you buy a couple for
yourself and then one forsomeone else?
Or what's the ratio when you'reshopping for Christmas presents

(01:01:22):
?
Because, because you know, youalways find things that you want
for yourself fair?

Speaker 2 (01:01:26):
yeah, so first what I'll say is I am so good at gift
giving oh, I'm so thoughtful.

Speaker 3 (01:01:31):
Did you get me a present?
No, okay, I am the present.

Speaker 2 (01:01:34):
My presence is a present yeah, period in a
sentence um, obviously, girl,I'm always if I'm shopping, for
I swear to you there's not beena point in time Maybe if I'm
lying that I didn't spend moreon myself that day than them.
Yeah, because the joy aboutbuying presents for other people
is also gifting to myself,because I know no one is going

(01:01:55):
to gift me what I want, right asgood as myself, which not self
love Plus you can always takeback everything that people buy
you and just get the cash and belike I already bought stuff for
myself.
I'm not very good at returning,but yes, I like the idea, but
also I am hard to buy forbecause of that, because I buy
everything I want Anyway.
So my advice is which we bothhave big exams coming up.

(01:02:22):
My advice is so I'm taking thecertification for hospice and
palliative care nurse exam andI'm taking the w set level two
sommelier which.
Who knew we were going to goback to school together?
I?
know, although yours is like ata bar, like on tuesday nights
and mine is just me reading abook.
I drink wine, but, um, I'mtaking this test and it is.

(01:02:45):
It'll be two weeks fromtomorrow and basically, uh, I
know people you can explain moreabout the sommelier, but
basically what?
This is what, why I want totake this certification exam.
It's almost like how I wentthrough nursing school I took
the test and I get to put rnbehind my name, like it's like I
earned this.
It proves my competence level.
It is something I am very proudof.

(01:03:08):
Um, to sit for any kind ofcertification nursing exams, you
have to have an x amount ofhours worked in that field and
you.
No one really takes it, unlessfor when they want to be fucking
dumb and study all the time no,but then less.
They want to be challenged tolearn more about this field that
they're in and my, it's a vice,because I think there's like

(01:03:31):
over 30 to 40 chapters.
I'm on chapter five and it istwo weeks.
Oh my god.
I have not been studying,mostly because work up until
this week has just been kickingmy ass and last thing I want to
do is I already work in hospice.
Why would I want, like if I'malready drained, read a book
about hospice?

Speaker 1 (01:03:48):
but god thank god, you got your adderall refilled.
God, oh my god, and you canread all those chapters in a
couple nights see do you realizethat like a little lateral?

Speaker 2 (01:04:00):
do you realize that, like because you can study with
or without it, right, like Icannot sit still and like have a
genuine thought while trying tostudy something and retain it
because my brain is bouncing sofar in between I could be like,
yes, this cancer is the fifthleading.
Oh, my god, I'll do like fries.
And then what is cancer caused?
But like what did I?
Just read and so it's horribleyeah but addderall helps me just

(01:04:22):
be able to read, so like you'reright, I can do that and that's
how it studies.
I read a book like textbook,cover to cover, and then I'm
like, okay, I need to take thistest right, this second.
Yeah, so my advice is that I'vebeen avoiding studying, so I
feel like I want to drop out ofhigh school, like a high school
dropout, do you?

Speaker 1 (01:04:40):
ever have those like nightmares where you like show
up and like you to take a testor something, and like you're so
unprepared or like you're nakedor whatever.

Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
Yes, and I felt that way leading up to my NCLEX to
become a nurse because it waslike I don't know, almost two
months after I graduated and Ididn't pick up a single book,
it's like, well, that's on me,but I still passed.
So it created this like veryhigh, like cocky.
I was like, oh, I can figure itout, I'm smart, I can figure it
out.

Speaker 1 (01:05:10):
Yeah, I was actually terrified that there's so much
information in this exam that Ihave to take, like, every single
wine region and sub-region inthe entire world that grows wine
and every single varietal thatthey grow in those regions and
what the varietals taste like,based off of the different

(01:05:31):
climates and mountain ranges andaspects or slopes that they're
grown on and what they're famousfor, and the different ratings
and systems of each country,because they're grown on and you
know what they're famous forand the different ratings and
systems of each country becausethey're different.
No one like has standardizedany of this and you have to
memorize all of it.
And I was like there's no wayI'm gonna pass this.
And I took my practice test acouple days ago and I didn't get

(01:05:56):
100 but I got like within thebracket of like the top you know
, yeah, the top scoring bracket.
It's called with distinction.
You pass with distinction.

Speaker 2 (01:06:06):
I'm laughing for the people that are listening,
because I was like, oh my god,did you win your exam?
And you're like, yeah, I gotthe highest score.
And I said not that I don'tbelieve you, but did you?

Speaker 1 (01:06:17):
actually Get 100% and you're like no, not 100%, but
the highest standard deviation.
But you got the lowest score inthe highest.
Yeah, I did, because it's likewhat was it?
That's kind of my.

Speaker 2 (01:06:26):
MO 87 to 100.
Is that that?
Distinction and you got 87,yeah, but also slay because
you're gonna get thatdistinction.
It's the same idea of like ifyou get that degree in college,
no one cares.
You made a C on an exam, youstill got the degree, girl,
absolutely so.
Was that your advice?
No, okay, you were just addingon to mine.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
Yeah, my advice was going to be like piggyback off
of my victory, which is aboutlike Christmas presents and that
I like really haven't like doneany shopping for anyone and I
usually am like done withChristmas shopping by Black
Friday, like I have everythingin the carts ready to go to
check out for everyone on mylist so I can, like you know,

(01:07:07):
take advantage of the wholeBlack Friday thing.
And I didn't do any of thatthis year and I Well your sister
was here too.
Yeah, but I don't know.
Luckily my family we've alwayskind of been like let's just
spend money spending timetogether and not really a huge
gifty kind of family.
So I don't think I have thatmuch pressure, but still I would

(01:07:28):
like to knock that off my list.

Speaker 2 (01:07:31):
My family and I are starting to lean into that too.
Yeah.
And we really want to get tothe point to where fuck gifts?
Let's do a family vacationevery year and everyone just
kind of pay for them.
Like the experience together.

Speaker 1 (01:07:42):
Right.
Save a thousand dollars oninstead of buying presents.
And, yeah, buy a flight andhotel.

Speaker 2 (01:07:48):
Right, which I appreciate gifts.
I'm the worst person to receivea gift because I'm, like I feel
so guilty.
Please don't buy me anythingever, but like low key I love it
because you thought about meand I'm like I'm on your brain,
but I'm going to buy whatever Iwant for myself, like people,
don't have to buy me things, butlike the idea of like I would
like to spend money on this tripspecifically with you or with

(01:08:10):
your family, or whatever thatmeans the world.
Yeah.
And I'm a material girl.
You've seen my craft room.
I like to buy things, yeah, butI really enjoy those moments of
connection and things like that, which I don't necessarily
believe that your mom's into it,since she was in PV on your
birthday and Hawaii without youlove her and her waistline oh my

(01:08:32):
god, I don't know how she looks.

Speaker 1 (01:08:34):
Like she's turning 65 in, like tomorrow.
Tomorrow's her birthday.

Speaker 3 (01:08:39):
Shout out to my mom it's her birthday, oh my gosh
that reminds me her birthday Onthe 8th yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:08:43):
Oh my gosh, that reminds me Today's my Cleveland
ex's birthday.

Speaker 1 (01:08:48):
Why you got to bring him up.

Speaker 2 (01:08:49):
We talked about him the whole episode Because the
8th.
I'm just like, oh fuck, it washis birthday.
I did text him.
Can you just give?

Speaker 1 (01:08:53):
it to my mom for just like this one my episode, so I
am gonna make it about me.
Wait, can we?

Speaker 2 (01:09:00):
FaceTime her.
I've never been on the.
Your mom's never spoken to me.
Yeah, we'll do it tomorrow.
She just hears me talk abouther nice body and the
well-behaved son that she hasraised.

Speaker 1 (01:09:15):
Alright, so if you guys want to share your stories
about what you've learned overthe last year, please write into
us.
We'd love to hear about whatyou've learned about yourself,
how your year has changed.
You know, from last Halloweento this Halloween, from last
Christmas to this Christmas, andwhat you think about like

(01:09:38):
Caleb's idea about howperspective can really change
the way that you think aboutbeing heavy.
Yeah, and you know, one year tothe next.

Speaker 2 (01:09:48):
I also want to hear about like people sharing
stories, about like yeah, I'dlike to challenge the way you
think, because I'd love tocreate like an open conversation
about it.
It's like no, in the last yearof my life I've only gotten
worse, or like this like alsothat's fine.
Just share your idea or yourthoughts on when you are.
Yeah, between a year, like no,a year doesn't just get better
or like whatever, because Iwould love to create that open

(01:10:10):
dialogue and narrative.

Speaker 1 (01:10:11):
I mean, this is the most safe space to talk about
how unwell you are.
So you know, but we want totalk about you.
Yeah, absolutely, and we can doit anonymously if you want.
But yeah, we want to hear fromyou guys.

Speaker 2 (01:10:24):
Yeah, I really want to start, I really want to
increase our community that wehave here in the open dialogue
and conversation.
Yeah.
Because that's why we're doingit.
Yeah.
I want to meet other peoplethat are like yeah, I love
wellness, I'm also Mentallyunwell, uh-huh.
Okay, do the sign-out thingy.

Speaker 1 (01:10:40):
Okay, so you can send us an email to unfamouslyunwell
at gmailcom.
You can follow us on Instagramat unfamouslyunwell, and you can
send us a message directlythrough Instagram, or you can
click the link in thedescription of this episode and
shoot us a text.
And until next week we wish youwell, just give it your bitch

(01:11:01):
bitch thanks for listening toanother episode of unfamously
unwell, the unrated podcasthosted by your two favorite
seattle homosexuals on a journeyto higher health.

Speaker 2 (01:11:12):
Listen each week as we deep dive into a new topic
and give you all the dirtydetails of our successes and
failures along the way you cansend us your questions, feedback
or share your own victoryadvice by writing to
unfamouslyunwell at gmailcom orby clicking the link at the
bottom of the description toshoot us a text.
We'd love to hear from you andshare your stories on the pod.

Speaker 1 (01:11:30):
We'll see you back here next week for another
unhinged episode of Unfamously.

Speaker 2 (01:11:34):
Unwell Unrated.