The Unwelly Awards!

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Inspired by the wildest, most unhinged moments of our year, we're bringing the drama with the Unwelly Awards. From our best (and worst) spending habits to hilariously awkward romantic encounters, get ready to hear the juicy details that shaped our year. We're promising you nothing less than a riotous recounting of our adventures, complete with the quirky charm of color stories and cornichons.

Money talks, and boy, do we have some stories to share about the art of "unwell" financial decisions! Whether it's indulging in our Starbucks habits or splurging on Lyft rides, we’re breaking it down with humor and honesty. Join us as we navigate the absurd side of adulting with tales of rug burns, peppermint milkshakes, and the occasional romantic mishap. Through laughter and real talk, we’re shedding light on the ups and downs of modern adulthood, reminding you that it’s okay to laugh at life’s unpredictability while cherishing the connections that keep us grounded.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 2 (00:01):
what would be the?

Speaker 1 (00:02):
unwell awards without us.
Um recording for an entire hourbut, the memory card was full
the entire time.
The only reason that we know wehave something recorded right
now is because a bitch had topee I had to get up and pee and
then stopped it, and well, itstopped itself yeah luckily for

(00:23):
us.
I think that we can recreatethe magic that just happened for
that one hour episode.
Imagine, for an hour we werejust friends catching up I think
it'll be better this time,honestly, because it was so
crazy for like manic all overthe place and you were being
supportive because I was evenlike kyle this is great, this is
chaotic and you were yeah, Iwas.
You're like, no, it's good butis I mean?

Speaker 2 (00:43):
we are crazy manic, and that's just how unwell we
are.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
I've rubbed off on you.
Yeah, Okay, so we were justtalking about our events of the
evening.
Yes, last week I was talkingabout mentally.
I am so much better.
This week, unfortunately, I amback in my spiral of a downward
angle and that really came to.
Is it fruition or fruitition?

Speaker 2 (01:10):
I don't know what fruitition is, but so it's
fruition.
I'm thinking like partition,but okay, no.

Speaker 1 (01:15):
Like when something comes to be, it's fruition.
Yeah, Okay, so it came tofruition my spiral and my mania.

Speaker 2 (01:21):
You almost like predicted it, like you knew it
was going to happen.
I did On the last episode youwere like I'm doing really well.
We'll check in next week.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
Yeah, do you not remember whenever you tell me,
once you decide to actuallydabble with Ritz-Graf, caleb,
you're going to be really good.

Speaker 2 (01:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:35):
I agree with that.

Speaker 2 (01:36):
So you really self-fulfilling proph?

Speaker 1 (01:40):
Because I can tolerate the expected pain
outcome.
Yeah, yeah yeah, we've beenthere, we visited it.
Today is about outcomes thatare funny, but this evening
Caleb finally got the win thathe needed.
Today I came home from work Iwas like, oh, kyle, aren't you
going to register us for thisthing?
It's at 7.
I was like, well, we can'trecord the podcast before, so

(02:01):
like this thing being ourpickleball.
Yes, our pickling balls with theno gays in montana.
Apparently it's a sport and notjust playing with each other.
And damn, we had to sign up,which this we've already played
in one season.
Um champions right correct andthey begged us to come back

(02:26):
right they begged us to comeback and they're like.
So, but only to the beginnerleague, the second season, um,
the fall season.
Um, kyle, unfortunately, is notan ipad kid like me, and so we
did not.
We were not able to registerbecause it sells, like it like
fills up so fast.
So then tonight, like 30minutes before I'm getting
starting to get anxious thatwe're not gonna, you know, be
able to sign up again.
And so kyle's like well, do youwant to do it?

(02:48):
You can do it, caleb, I believein you.
And I was like no but yes, butno but yes.
Oh, my god, kyle, what am Igonna do?
Let's sing a karaoke song.
That'll help.
So then picture this 10 minutesbefore I'm like in a full-blown
like spiral, less about thepickleball, but like I could
blame all my anxieties from theday on one task.
So I'm like kyle, get it, giveme the microphone.
I'm gonna put on the monotoneversion of the one that got away

(03:11):
by katie perry.
I'm gonna sing a solo.
I need you to be my three-partharmony and I only have one
voice.
I'm going to um, register usfor this.
And what does kyle do?
Not only is he singing the song, he's also making a drink, so
like, I am shaking a cocktailand holding a mic.
And singing, you know.
Third best out of the group.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
The pre-recorded voice, my voice.
Oh, okay, no, I'm teasing,you're actually really good.
I was the best.
I was the best.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
I was able to get us a spot.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
Yes, okay, so we will be playing Pickleball for the
winter season 2024.
Or is it 2025?
It starts in 2025, I think,okay, great, 2025 winter season.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
With our fellow gay podcasters.
With our fellow gay podcasters.

Speaker 2 (03:54):
Gay podcasters yes, our gay podcasters.
And Caleb being the marketinggenius that he is, named our
team, the Pickled Podcasters.
So every time people announceoh, you're playing against the
pickled podcasters, they'll belike what's that?

Speaker 1 (04:09):
Well, we have a podcast where we have men show
up and we judge the size oftheir pickles and we pickle them
.
That is a dill, that is aboyfriend dill.

Speaker 2 (04:17):
That's a cornichon.
I don't know what that means.
It's a little tiny.
Is that a fancy?

Speaker 1 (04:21):
I don't know if I'd like a flavor, a little tiny
fancy pickle you know what I'mventuring out to all flavors of
pickles this year for 10 sizesno, not mount everest no, no so,
um, you're catching me after alittle bit of a spiral, but
there was a success and avictory.
We are going to win, um, and Ican't wait for us to do that

(04:44):
with the gays in Montana.

Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, it's going to be a blast, and I'm really proud
that you're not spiraling againtoday, just based on the fact
that we lost the last hour ofrecording, so it's really like a
good progression for you.
You matched my freak, okay, theother thing that we need to talk
about before we get intotoday's topic again is, we're

(05:07):
throwing a New Year's Eve partyand the idea came up three days
ago, yeah, so reach out if youwant to attend.
I don't know if you're going toget an invite, but you should
still reach out to see you know,because we want to know if you
want to go.
We just want to know, like, ifyou want to be invited but
you're not going to be ExactlyExcept, I just want to know if
you want to be invited butyou're not going to be Exactly
Except for if you're cute, maybe.
Show us your pickle Exactly.

(05:27):
And so Caleb was just toooverwhelmed.
Last week with the.
This week it's a current week.
I was healthy last week.
By the time they listen to it,it'll be last week, fair Okay,
caleb was overwhelmed by theamount of work that he needed to
accomplish, and so you knowwho's the best party planner on
the planet?

(05:47):
That's me, kyle.
So we recruited our friendTristan as another co-host.
She's a great project manager.
Is that what her job title is?

Speaker 1 (05:56):
Yes, and the most adjacent human and personality
to having me there, like youhave shared thoughts all the
time.

Speaker 2 (06:04):
Yes, yeah, which is why you and her are Nick and my
publicist, correct?

Speaker 1 (06:09):
Talent, not so great Publicist makes a talent.

Speaker 2 (06:12):
I think the talent's pretty good.
Anyways, let us watch.

Speaker 1 (06:15):
No, Get back to the party.
I'm going to get us on atangent.

Speaker 2 (06:19):
Okay, so we go and we get drinks last night, right?
Last night, yeah, yes, today'sWednesday we went and got some
cocktails, had some chips andguac and we're starting to plan
our 2024 wrapped New Year's Eveparty, the concept being Spotify
wrapped plus.
How do we tie this into a NewYear's Eve party and a theme?

(06:43):
And the first thing that comesto mind for me is pink pony club
versus brat, because those arelike two huge hits that are part
of, like my spotified rap andmost of the gay community's
spotified rap, right, neitherthem more than mine what I'm
gonna pick me girly through andthrough wow, yeah, you really
are.
You're more of a jojo siwahonestly I would be so proud of

(07:06):
it.
I know continue, I know youwould okay.
So brat is green, pink, puddingclub is pink.
What else do we have going onin these color stories?
We have glinda, we have alphaba, what?
Why are you?

Speaker 1 (07:18):
laughing at me.
It's like you're put likeputting together, like a house
remodel, what's like a colorstory.
What are we looking for?
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 (07:26):
That's how you throw a fucking party when people want
to show up.

Speaker 1 (07:28):
Give a man two colors , he'll plan a party.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
Yeah, so we will be throwing a New Year's Eve
extravaganza with lots oftie-ins to your own 2024,
spotify wrapped and games,singing, karaoke and foods,
decorations galore to tie intothose two themes.

Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yes, I can't wait to cultivate this group of people
because I think that honestly me, you're interested.
Although you're interested indoing all of it, I will just
randomly call you and be likethese are my ideas.
Goodbye, we'll work it in.
We'll work it in.
I think it's going to be somuch fun.
The reason we wanted to do this, it came up during my manic

(08:13):
episode last week.
I was like Kyle, what are youdoing for New Year's?

Speaker 2 (08:17):
You were like I really don't want to go out.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
I was like I don't like going out on New Year's on
New Year's.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
I feel like everyone can agree that going out on New
Year's Eve is just like aletdown.

Speaker 1 (08:27):
It's so disingenuine.

Speaker 2 (08:27):
It's like a huge build up and then never really
delivers.

Speaker 1 (08:31):
It's like going to that fucking hookup and they
just don't even ask where tocome and they have a cornichon.
What the fuck is that the tiny?

Speaker 2 (08:38):
little pickle.
Oh, the texture of the dick.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
Yeah, okay, we wanted to throw a party and I think
that that's good.
It's gonna be so fun.
I'm excited, I'm lookingforward to it.
I'm also excited because I toldthem to include me in the group
chat so I don't feel left out.
But I will not be contributingany uh means to the party
planning.

Speaker 2 (08:58):
Just the idea well, you will be part of the
execution because I will be inSonoma until the 30th, so I get
back the day before the party.
So I'm going to be on your ass,not in that way like the video
you showed me last week no, butI will be on your ass making
sure that things get executed inthe timely manner.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
Why do you keep doing this to us?
You did the same thing when wewere moving.
You literally went on a tripand you're like I need y'all to
coordinate the move-in.
Why do y'all keep doing it?

Speaker 2 (09:32):
for me, that's a good question, that's a better
question.

Speaker 1 (09:34):
What's so funny is I do nothing for you.
I did so.
True, you really don't.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
You, yeah, nor am I helping this party which is a
great segue into the topic today, which is the unwellie awards.
Yes, I'm really.
We talked about it last week alittle bit and basically today's
topic is going to be about howunwell we are reading each other
, reading our friends for filthand for all the crazy shit that
we got up to this year, as kindof like a Spotify-wrapped

(10:00):
version of how we're ending ouryear going into our next year,
and how unwell we've been theunwrapped and unrated Unwellie
Awards.

Speaker 1 (10:10):
Why Start now?

Speaker 2 (10:11):
That should have been a topic is how many times were
you unwrapped unprotected sex?
All of them but once, and thatone time you got gonorrhea twice
and a rock bone.
We'll talk about that this is.

Speaker 1 (10:24):
This is the Unwelly Awards, where we are going to
share our own stories but thenalso call each other out for
their BS, which is going to bethe juiciest part.
So some of these stories youmay have already heard.

Speaker 2 (10:35):
Yes, and I do want to preface this by saying that it
kind of was inspired by theToxico Awards from Puerto
Vallarta, when we did a triptogether where every single
night we awarded someone theToxico Award, which was
basically like you were sounhinged last night, and so
that's what this is inspired bycelebrating all of the famously

(10:58):
unwell ways that we've lived ourlives for the last year.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
It's like what the wellness podcasts do the 10
things we learned this year tosummarize summarize right,
you're not going to learnanything.
Start a gratitude journal.
Imagine I have seven of them.
Nothing happens with them so howthis is going to work is um, we
are going to share and then Ithink we'll have our own
personal opinions of like who isthe most unwell, but after this

(11:24):
episode goes live, we will onlyhave one more episode left.
I can't believe this.
In the next episode or lastyear of the year, After the
episode goes live, I'm going torelease a poll on our Instagram
at Unfamous Unwell, where youcan vote who was the most unwell
this year.

Speaker 2 (11:40):
Based on the things that we share about ourselves
and read each other about andour friends about.

Speaker 1 (11:45):
And we will announce the winner Most unwell.
Yes, yeah, baby, if there's awill, there's a way I still got
time to be unwell.
Okay, we'll announce it on ourfinal episode of the year and of
the season.

Speaker 2 (12:00):
Let's get into it.

Speaker 1 (12:00):
Welcome to the first annual.

Speaker 2 (12:02):
Unwilling.

Speaker 1 (12:02):
Awards.

Speaker 2 (12:06):
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Let's get into it.
Welcome to the first annualUnwilling Awards.
Unwilling Awards Did you saysomething.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
So this is going to be probably more organized,
which will be a little bit morefun for the crowd.

Speaker 2 (12:17):
So I think we Okay.
First of all, we're going tostart with the different
categories, that we're goinginto One being Sorry, I wasn't
talking.

Speaker 1 (12:25):
You go ahead.

Speaker 2 (12:28):
One being how often you get interrupted by your
podcast.
Mate Two being a little debriefjust on each other's unwellness
.
Then we're going to go into ourspending habits, our hookups,
and then maybe reading friendseach other, or reading friends
yeah, and we'll throw in alittle mental health in there,

(12:49):
absolutely.

Speaker 1 (12:49):
You know I wrote down that order we just talked about
.
Okay, you start.

Speaker 2 (12:51):
Back to what.

Speaker 1 (12:52):
I was saying, kyle, go ahead here in the studio,
let's go ahead and just get thebreakups out of the way.
Yes, that was unwell of us.
We interact.
It caused a lot of things.
You know what?
We're going to 2025, notmentioning the breakups again.

Speaker 2 (13:08):
Well, right, it is really nice to be at a point in
our lives where the mostinteresting fact about us is not
that we recently went through abreakup.
We have so many other thingsgoing on for us, you know for
the last few months I've.

Speaker 1 (13:18):
I really want us to, I really want to do a podcast
episode, which, with my ex, Ithink would actually be probably
down for it.
Have them on the podcast, what?
Yeah, I think it would be themost challenging conversation,
the most juicy, but then also, Idon't know, I feel like it kind
of fits our brand.

Speaker 2 (13:36):
I think it's a brilliant idea but I'm terrified
to do that.

Speaker 1 (13:41):
I know, but that's why we should do it.
Absolutely, Because it canagain be to do that, I know, but
that's why we should do it,because it can again be
unreleased, like our mysterious10th episode from the first
season.
Okay, okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 (13:48):
That's how the best stuff happens.
Go ahead with your breakup.

Speaker 1 (13:51):
So you know what?
Let's take a little chimichangaback, Not chimichanga.
Chacha slide back to how wecame into 2024.
Mike and I had thrown a NewYear's Eve party last year and
Kyle and I had met, like we hadmet but like really didn't like
start getting close or anything.

Speaker 2 (14:08):
We had met like two months prior.

Speaker 1 (14:10):
Yeah, Well, I helped you host your ex's birthday
thing over the summer.
All I did was craft, ThenThanksgiving, Friendsgiving and
then next thing I know it is 9pm on New Year's Eve.
Where is Kyle?
Mari is like bringing him up tothe steps and she has a shoebox
and I was like what's in that?
She said, where can I throwthis away?

Speaker 2 (14:30):
I was like what do you mean?

Speaker 1 (14:32):
She's like well, kyle , he got a little sick and I'm
going to walk him home.
And I was like, that's okay,I'll drive him home, and that's
how Kyle came into the new year.
That's how Kyle came into thenew year.

Speaker 2 (14:44):
Yeah, asleep.
Yeah, throwing up in a shoeboxin the basement of your ex's
house at a New Year's party.
But the thing that I don't know, if you know, is that the New
Year's was mine and my ex'sanniversary.

Speaker 1 (15:00):
You never shared that on the internet or with me?
I don't think so, which makessense why you were drowning it
out.

Speaker 2 (15:05):
Yeah, I showed up at your New Year's Eve party
already.
Like we broke up like less than30 days later, so weeks from
breaking up, I already knew inmy mind that it was over.
And so what did I do?
I proceeded to drink multiplebottles of champagne and then

(15:28):
get the spins, go lay down inyour basement floor, where it's
nice and cool, and throw up in ashoebox, because I thought it
was the most well thing to do.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (15:40):
But you know what it's called coping with trauma.
Okay, and thoughtfulness.

Speaker 2 (15:43):
You threw it up in the shoebox, not on the carpet
and I emptied it out before Ithrew up in it.

Speaker 1 (15:47):
I know it was so kind yeah, and that's how the lord
did that foreshadow to a funyear girl.
It really did so.
Um, that's how kyle came intothis uh year.
I came into this year, you know, walking me home, helping jo
Joe at Joby home, oh yeah, helpco-hosting the new year's Eve
party.
And then, a year later, we'rethe guy who was throwing up in a

(16:10):
shoe box and the guy who drovehim home, are living together
and now hosting a party.
Yes we are.
Yes, don't throw up in thepodcast room, that's our base.

Speaker 2 (16:17):
I won't do it this time, no.

Speaker 1 (16:19):
Okay, so then now let's go ahead and get the
breakups out of the way.
So chronologically you go firstyou had a breakup this year.
It was six years yeah, sixyears, and some change because
six years was on New Year's yeah.
And I think that both of ourbreakups really set us on a path

(16:40):
of getting a little bit moreunhinged and wellness at the
same time.

Speaker 2 (16:48):
Yeah, they say you have to, like, make a mess
before you can clean it up.
And we've been making a fuckingmess, honey.
We've been making a fuckingmess over the last year.
Yes, we have.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (16:58):
And so just to recap you've all heard it before Kyle
went through a breakup.
Like a week or two to the daylater I went through a breakup.
But, um, kyle and I firstplanned to hang out on a
specific saturday.
He broke up with his boyfriendthe night before.
I was like holy fuck, I just Idon't know this man.
I just drove you home afterthrowing up.
Now I have to like, help youthrough a breakup, slay, let's

(17:20):
do it.

Speaker 2 (17:21):
But he ended up being such a you showed up either
like, even though you I had justlike been a complete disaster
at your party girl, I was soanxious the whole night I barely
remembered until I, like I wastrying to reflect on the year,
yeah, um, so then where I?

Speaker 1 (17:36):
my first nomination for kyle being more unwell than
me is um, so my birthday isfebruary 17th.
I was in palm springs, but Idecided to host a birthday party
the weekend after.
When I came back here with allmy friends here, um, I got
broken up with the night beforemy birthday party.
Um, kyle comes strolling intomy birthday party at Madison pub
, which is a gay sports bar,quote, unquote, here in Seattle

(18:00):
with his ex.
I am confunded, confunded.
Oh, are they broken up?
Who knows?
First thing he says to me soyou're going to tell us about
the breakup?

Speaker 2 (18:09):
Oh, it's my birthday Get out?
Yeah, well, I had heard aboutit, yeah, but that's the first
nomination.

Speaker 1 (18:15):
Not only did you throw up and I had to drive you
home, and now you're questioningme on my birthday party about
my breakup.

Speaker 2 (18:23):
Who is this man?
I just birthday party about mybreakup.
Well, I just thought that, likeyou know, things were on the
table that we're like friends,we can like talk about these
things we're just girlfriendsmeanwhile you're sitting next to
your ex right now and I waslike what is happening?
I was.
We needed to clear the air.
I wanted to cancel the wholefucking thing.
You think it like was betterthan I brought it up?

Speaker 1 (18:37):
oh yeah, because then everyone like was aware and
knew about it and everyone elselike so, is that?

Speaker 2 (18:41):
unwellness or no?

Speaker 1 (18:43):
oh, at the time, yeah , because I wanted to cancel
like in retrospect.
I wasn't gonna show up.
I was like I can't go I don'twant to go yeah, okay, so we got
the breakups out of the way, sokyle had another major life
event that I think we need toaddress.

Speaker 2 (18:58):
Your second nom yeah, so I lost my job as well.
Caleb likes to say I got fired,but really my job was
eliminated.

Speaker 1 (19:08):
They don't need you anymore.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
Right, Well, they needed you but they were like
good riddance Kyle, which I getLike okay, sure I lost my job or
I got fired, wow.

Speaker 1 (19:22):
Like is it the worst thing in the world?
They have unemployment.
Haven't you heard of it, Right?

Speaker 2 (19:26):
So I mean I really have just been like living my
best unemployment life and Istill have 16 more weeks of it,
so I Okay.

Speaker 1 (19:34):
You've had 16 weeks for at least like three weeks
now.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 (19:37):
But you know what?
And wellness, I'm not keepingtrack.

Speaker 1 (19:45):
You're going to check track.
You're gonna check on it in2025, girl, once it runs out.
Okay, so those are our majorlife events and so, um, we just
need to get them out of the waylike they're boring.

Speaker 2 (19:49):
They're old what we realize is all of y'all know
about them our fun unwellness isall in the side quests, yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:55):
So, speaking of losing your job, let's start.
Financial unwellness, kyle.
Okay, let's go.
You do your categories first.
That stood out to you okay.

Speaker 2 (20:03):
So we did a little deep dive.
Um caleb downloaded rocketmoney again and I, as the
millennial that I am, used exceland I copied and pasted my
transactions from the entireyear, categorized all of them,
created a pivot table, because Ilove a good excel pivot table.

Speaker 1 (20:24):
Thank you very much.
Pie chart I will teach youhoney.

Speaker 2 (20:27):
It's the best tool in Excel.
Um, and this is what I learnedabout my spending in 2024.
One I went to Taco Bell 37times and spent $500 there.

Speaker 1 (20:42):
Wow yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:44):
Do you know how many weeks are in a year?

Speaker 1 (20:46):
52.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
Not 56.
So that means I went likealmost every other, well, no
more than every other week.
Well, that makes sense.
I do think that most of themwere in the last like six months
, because you moved closer toone, I moved closer to one and
you go a lot too, and I alwaysam like caleb, do you want taco

(21:08):
bell?
And because I really just wantan excuse to go get you a.
That's your love languagechicken quesadilla with a side
of sour cream with the originalchicken, not this cantina
bullshit which I do love thecantina chicken.
It's not real chicken, but it'sokay I can't believe it's not
chicken so you went taco bellokay not shocked by that.
Okay, I loaded my starbuckscard 34 times and I spent just

(21:29):
under a thousand dollars atstarbucks okay, what's your?
Honestly was like oh, my go-tois a spinach feta wrap and a
okay, like my drink.
Order is complicated and theyalways hook it up.

Speaker 1 (21:42):
Okay, just give me like, let me tell you.

Speaker 2 (21:44):
It's an iced matcha lemonade with six scoops of
matcha.
Hold the lemonade, add extrawater, shake in with a splash of
coconut milk and, yes, you canorder that on the app, that's.
It's literally just Unnerving,it's just matcha powder and
water and a splash of coconutmilk be an adult.

Speaker 1 (22:04):
Order an iced chai tea latte, like the rest of us I
know I do love a nice chai tea,latte, latte.
Yeah so you spent a thousanddollars on this fedor app and
this ten dollar drink.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
Yeah, okay, slay you know what got me hooked on this
drink, though I just got to likeside tangent for a second, okay
, it's that before they caughton, starbucks didn't really
understand that people weregetting these drinks and they
cost like 45 cents.
Because all you had to do wasorder a venti water plus matcha

(22:38):
shaken and they would charge you$0 for a cup of water and then
you'd add in the powder for 45cents.

Speaker 1 (22:45):
So for like years I was getting this drink, getting
my caffeine high, for 45 centsMatcha tastes like grass that a
cow has chewed up shit out andyou're picking it out of their
turds.

Speaker 2 (22:56):
Absolutely yeah, and it's delicious.
Okay, okay Next on my list.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Okay, okay Next on my list.

Speaker 2 (23:03):
Okay, okay, outside of rent and utilities my largest
expense was bar and restaurants.
Shocking, I spent $10,500 onbars and restaurants in 2024.

Speaker 1 (23:19):
How much does unemployment pay per week?
I'm not saying that Okay, butyou get points.

Speaker 2 (23:25):
Use your credit card, you get points.
It's free.
I've only been unemployed forlike what?
Two months.

Speaker 1 (23:30):
But like you don't go to like fancy ass restaurants,
Like we went to Canlis and got adrink.
Yeah, after I was like this isshit, Okay, other.

Speaker 2 (23:38):
Kyle, you know what it is.
It's more about the travel likemy travel destinations and
eating out like when I'mtraveling.
Cause I do go to fancy placeswhen I'm like out of town.

Speaker 1 (23:47):
Of course, you eat out more because you have your
mustache and boys love that.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Oh, I'm, I'm eating out the boys.
I see what you're saying, yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:55):
It's not like the second time you heard that.
Okay, and then I know you'renot much of an online shopper,
but like, what about amazon?
Did you spend?

Speaker 2 (24:05):
I uh, I only spent five hundred and five, uh and
fifty eight dollars on amazonand 50 of that was a gift card
that you contemplated what tobuy for weeks weeks, yeah
meanwhile just don't spend thatmuch on amazon.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
I am post by Amazon, to me is like Facebook.

Speaker 2 (24:22):
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 (24:22):
I'm scrolling to see what it wants me to buy.

Speaker 2 (24:24):
Yeah, okay, you go.

Speaker 1 (24:26):
And then how much did you spend on your trips?

Speaker 2 (24:30):
Oh, I just spent under $2,000 on travel, which is
just like accommodations andflights.

Speaker 1 (24:39):
Well, next year I no, I'm not.
I was going to say I'm going toquit, give up Amazon and
support you doing triple theamount of trips you did this
year, because my Amazon budgetcan't afford that.

Speaker 2 (24:50):
Okay, but I do want to say that I think my Unwally
Award nomination comes from thefact that I quit my Well, I got
fired from my job, whatever thelies continue, comes from the
fact that I quit my well, I gotfired from my job, right,
whatever?
Okay, okay, the lies continue,lies and manali Comes from the
fact that I was laid off from myjob, don't have a lot of income

(25:10):
and still managed to take atrip to Sonoma, went camping
with Caleb and went to P-Townand Walla, walla and Palm
Springs, and I just booked atrip to LA and Guatemala for
January.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
I don't think you mentioned PV again.
You keep saying P-Town but notPV.
Oh, I didn't say yeah and alsoPuerto Vallarta.
Yeah, which is where a lot ofmy stories come from, that one
trip.
Oh great.
Oh my God, you travel likethat's true unwellness, when you
have no income, but you stilldo all those trips you juggle it
so well, though, because,although you know the end the

(25:49):
end, you book your trips farenough in advance to where it's
not costing you that much.
Um caleb on the other handplanning.
Uh, doesn't caleb doesn't thinkof future caleb?
It's none of my business,doesn't?
It doesn't involve me?
I don't know what he's going tobe about then.
So my um top spendingcategories.
Um, I'll just start with, likethe biggest call out um amazon.

(26:13):
I spent seven thousand fivehundred eighty dollars and 59
cents that's a chunk of change,honey.

Speaker 2 (26:22):
That's why all your deliveries come daily, yeah, but
like someone has to supportthem I'm and someone has to be
here to answer the door toreceive them.
So really like, without myunemployment I couldn't shop.

Speaker 1 (26:36):
Yeah, and I I have been, you know, chasing that
dopamine high because even lastnight, when I was in another
spiral, I had went to thetanning bed.
I was like I need to buy allnew tanning lotion.

Speaker 2 (26:48):
So I bought all new tanning lotion that came today.

Speaker 1 (26:51):
So I spent that much at Amazon.
I think I spent a little lessthan you at Starbucks, which is
surprising.

Speaker 2 (26:57):
I spent just under $1,000.
At Starbucks.

Speaker 1 (27:01):
Yeah, I am going to give the people what they want
to the penny Okay, I spent$823.67.
Oh, okay.
And my go-to yeah same same,Same same but different.
Yeah, my go-to is the Taitamozzarella.
I call it the panini, but Ithink it's a Foccia, or.

Speaker 2 (27:18):
Fouchia, fouchia.
I call it the panini, but Ithink it's a.

Speaker 1 (27:20):
Foccia or Foucha Foucha, what is that bread?
Your favorite artist.
What is that?
Bread Focaccia, oh my god,that's why I call it the panini.

Speaker 2 (27:28):
I thought you didn't say Focaccio.

Speaker 1 (27:30):
And my girl, melissa, at the Northgate Starbucks.
She's like can I get foodstarted for you?
Hey Melissa, hey Caleb, yeah,we got your order, come on
around.

Speaker 2 (27:38):
Love her.
Oh my God, I love that.
Oh my God, love her.
There's nothing better thanhaving like a first name basis
with your barista.

Speaker 1 (27:44):
Never seen her because she only speaks out of
that, like she's not the one atthe window.
No way, don't even know whatshe looks like.
Oh, my God, I love that, butshe could see me probably.
There's a camera.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
Highest um category of fast food only spent 348
dollars there okay, I did alittle bit more than you,
shockingly, you know, when youknow what it is, I spend more
money per trip.
I think fair yeah you, do youget like a chicken quesadilla,
but I get like seven things,seven things, yeah he said what
do you have that you can make onthe menu?

(28:18):
right, this second, I'll takeall of it, yeah yeah, and, and I
mean they have so many like funnew menu items.
They have like the retro menuright now.
I mean some Baja Blast.

Speaker 1 (28:28):
Wait, did they just have another announcement thing?
Have you been seeing they'vebeen doing like an Apple WWDC,
like an announcement, where theyyeah, yeah.
The only time that it's beengreat when they've done that is
whenever they did like thedoritos.

Speaker 2 (28:41):
uh, co-branding, genius, this cheese, it bullshit
they can get, okay, whatever,because it cannot withstand the
moisture, it wasn't great.
It can't withstand the moisture, great concept but not well
executed, no, anyway.

Speaker 1 (28:53):
So then, um, my fast food that is the most that I
spent on is kind of uh derivedfrom my internalized homophobia,
and I spent, spent $588 atChick-fil-A.
And my most recent order wasyesterday before 9.
Am picking up things for a teamwork breakfast.
And I saw they had the newpeppermint milkshake.
I'm like is it?
I literally asked the person isit too early to order a

(29:15):
milkshake?
It's $8.45.

Speaker 2 (29:17):
Did you get it?
I did get it Because you knowpeppermint's my favorite.
Yeah, that's one way to wake upin the morning.

Speaker 1 (29:23):
Not surprising the other categories.
I spent $706 at Goodwill, muchless than I expected.
Okay, genuinely.

Speaker 2 (29:30):
That's reasonable.
Yeah, that means you got somegood deals.

Speaker 1 (29:32):
That was worth all the dopamine that I got from it.
We have a local bodega.
It's literally what did you say?
Two blocks, one block one and ahalf one block.
I skip.
Yeah, I can't skip, but if youcould skip you'd get there
quicker.
You can't snip, skip or snap orsnap Um and I only exclusively

(29:55):
go there for wine and vapes, andI spent $999.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
Not a thousand, nope 999.
Okay, that's a lot on just wineand just like late night wine
and vapes.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
Yeah, if you can not tell, there's a lot of impulse
problems that underlie myspending.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
I can tell.

Speaker 1 (30:13):
I also spent over $1,000 between Ubers and Lyfts
this year.

Speaker 2 (30:19):
You know what.
God bless you because I thinkyou paid most of the ones that
we've taken together.

Speaker 1 (30:23):
Yeah, but to me you've always been like, well,
let's take the light rail orlet's scooter, and I'm like Kyle
it's not worth it to me.

Speaker 2 (30:30):
I'm unemployed.
What am I supposed to do?

Speaker 1 (30:31):
I know but I appreciate that option and I'm
not rich Lord because that's toomuch To reflect on my most
favorite or the most unwell Uberexpenses.
That I did was whenever we wentout for Halloween and I Ubered

(30:53):
home.
So you could fuck a friend inour friend group I Ubered home
from the hill, which was like$80.

Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (30:57):
So I could eat my street corn in the bathtub.
Yep.
The other notable one was notthat long ago, whenever we were
over at Tristan's house, youwere again cuddling with a
friend of the friend group.

Speaker 2 (31:06):
I got night terrors at 5 am so of course, I had to
Uber home.
That's what happens when youdate a vampire, though.

Speaker 1 (31:11):
Yeah, and then another fun category is I did
look up I spent just on one ofthe concert platforms Not even
the main one, okay, not evenlike Ticketmaster or Vivid Seats
or StepHub AXS I spent justunder $600.
Okay, that was just this yearalone and I went to the least
amount of concerts.
That doesn't include AustinCity Limits.

(31:32):
It doesn't include all the onesI've already purchased for next
year.
How many concerts did you go to?

Speaker 2 (31:38):
Did you count?
No, that's going to be in my.
I feel like that's a wellnessthing honestly.
Yeah, because that's one of thereasons I stayed in Seattle is
for the concerts.

Speaker 1 (31:49):
No but the amount of money like those are just my
spending categories.

Speaker 2 (31:50):
Honestly, I don't think you deserve any Unwellie
Award for any of your spending,because you did it while having
a job.
I did it while having no income, so I love the way you're
girl-mathing me right now.

Speaker 1 (32:04):
Wait, because you're so right I should you know what
I should increase my goals nextyear and spend double that.

Speaker 2 (32:09):
Absolutely Especially at Taco Bell.

Speaker 1 (32:11):
The bodega deserves $1,000.

Speaker 2 (32:13):
Absolutely.
They need to break the $1,000.
They're so nice over there.

Speaker 1 (32:24):
I am so the only one that buys the specific wine
there, and it's been out for twoweeks.

Speaker 2 (32:27):
He says he's getting it the cheapest one that they
have correct bottom shelf isgoing to be my taste always.
Yeah, so you have like namerecognition at the bodega and at
starbucks.

Speaker 1 (32:37):
Yes, of course.
Well, I don't know his name, hejust knows he sees a man come
in with an oversized sweatshirtand uh, pajama pants who just
looks haggard uh-huh.

Speaker 2 (32:47):
He's like are you in a downward spiral?
Here's your vape, here's yourpacifier, and I'll go back to
bed, yeah um so seguing,segueing from uh finances um an
area that I spent money on but Ireally didn't reap the benefits
.

Speaker 1 (33:04):
I think we should dabble in mental health a little
bit.
Okay, you start Because Ilooked for a lot of dopamine in
shopping.
Did I get the amount ofdopamine worth the amount of
money I spent?

Speaker 2 (33:17):
Arguably yes, I would say my craft room begs to say
yes, yeah, there's not a singledrawer that's empty, not bulging
with purchases and my newer,newest, hyper fixation
autographed vinyls.

Speaker 1 (33:32):
My collection's really coming together and you
buy shelves to display them yes,and I've done so well, like
making those so straight, but Iknew, I know that I have to like
go at it, but I'm not spiralingdoesn't happen very often, so
that's why they don't go outvery frequently, right, anyway.
So I spent quite a bit of moneyon therapy this year.
Um, I quit three therapists,okay, um, I was a better help

(33:55):
member supporter for a good twoand a smidge years which, if you
don't know.
It's 320 a month.
It's a subscription, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 (34:03):
Is this where you can like text them whenever you
want?
Yes, you can't use who needsthat you can't.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
I never did that.

Speaker 2 (34:08):
I never messaged them .

Speaker 1 (34:11):
But it's when I it initially started when I was
travel nursing, because I didn'tknow who or what I was going to
be.
And then I just got hooked onthis 65-year-old man from Ohio
that lives in Ohio half the timeand Florida half the time.
His name is David Okay, and gothooked on him.
But then, beginning of the year, I'm like this man's not
challenging me enough.

(34:31):
You fired him.
I hit the button.
I was like reassign me.
I had one session with this guy, a gay man, with a feather
earring.
Immediately this guy, gay manwith a feather earring,
immediately canceled themembership Immediately canceled
my membership, so he just showsup on the screen.
It's like dating.
It's literally Tinder he justhas a little dangly feather

(34:52):
earring.

Speaker 2 (34:52):
Did you request a homosexual?
Can you do that?

Speaker 1 (34:56):
You can select if you want all these qualities.

Speaker 2 (34:59):
It's literally like a dating profile, but you could
select.

Speaker 1 (35:02):
they specialize in lgbtqia plus and you can either
like specify if you want them tobe a part of the community or,
well, like versed on the topic.
Wow, david, was I never.
David was the one I got pairedwith the first time and I was
just used him.
He, he got me through mybathroom floor breakup and I was
not gonna let him see methrough my second bathroom floor

(35:22):
breakup and I was not going tolet him see me through my second
bathroom floor breakup.
So I was like bye, david.

Speaker 2 (35:25):
But he got you through that.
Why wouldn't you rely on him?

Speaker 1 (35:28):
I think I'm going to say hi to him, rehire Rehire,
but I think he did give me hispersonal email, so I think I
might just do it off the record.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
Pay him directly.

Speaker 1 (35:35):
There you go, pay him directly Right.

Speaker 2 (35:37):
Because I still think .
It probably takes yourinsurance too.

Speaker 1 (35:40):
Oh God, that's something else I had to spend
money on this year.
Healthcare, yeah, and my 401k.
Don't even get me started, lord.
Okay, before I go on a tangent,so you know what?
If therapy doesn't help,shopping doesn't help.
Maybe a medicine?
or two yeah, so I triedWellbutrin, tapered myself off
of it, meh, tapered myself offof it, meh, it was fine, that's
for anxiety.
And then, about two months ago,I was like let me try this

(36:03):
again, when I was really goingthrough a heavy spiral Well
butrin, I got back on Lexapro,which she would not give me
something else.
She was like no, lexapro's thebest I'm like, it makes me gain
weight.
And she was like no, it doesn't.
I was on this at 18 and I gaineda lot.
Yes, it does.
I gained six pounds, taperedmyself off of it.
So, yeah, I tried two differentmeds, three therapists and

(36:24):
shopping.
And I'm back on this podcastagain after another episode of A
Spiral tonight.
So that's pretty well.
So it's going really well, yeah.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
Yeah, it's really going really unwell for you.

Speaker 1 (36:36):
What about your mental health?
Did you spend any money onanything?
Mental health or like, what wasunwell about it?
Did you avoid?
Are you just like?

Speaker 2 (36:44):
so I would say avoidant was probably my biggest
like unwellness nomination foran unwell award, mainly because,
yes, I do have health insurance.
Yes, I did spend over $5,000 onhealth insurance this year, and
the reason that I don't have atherapist right now is mainly

(37:08):
because my ex told me that Ineeded one, and we had one
together.
That was a complete and utterdisaster, but less to do with
our therapist and more to dowith the two of us just being
toxic together.
But then he was like, oh, youneed to have your own therapist,
and blah, blah, blah, blah.
And just because he told methat I needed to have a

(37:28):
therapist, I haven't gotten one.
I'm like, nope, I can do thison my own.
You got me in this podcastinstead, exactly, and I have all
of our listeners and I don'teven wear a feather earring and
you know what listeners areasking me for psychology advice.
Should I be giving it?
Absolutely?
not that's what I should get anAnueli Award for is for giving
psychology advice to people asnot a licensed social worker,

(37:51):
therapist, counselor orpsychologist Psychology research
says yeah, from the mouth ofKyle to the ears of these
listeners.
Yeah, you've impacted a lot ofpeople.
Sorry, guys, I hope we haven'truined anyone's life.

Speaker 1 (38:03):
Before we move off of mental health, there is some
side combos that I would like tomention.
That I also did this year withfinances.
I did have to get on my ownhealth insurance this year I
turned 26.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
And car insurance, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
oh my.
And car insurance, oh my God,oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Kyle, that was a headache, thefact that you're paying like
$400 a month for car insurance.
That's a fucking nominationright there.

Speaker 1 (38:28):
Well, it's because whenever I moved here I lived in
the city.
My fucking car I had in theshop four times and none of them
were my fault.
Someone threw a rock through myback window.
Someone cracked my passengerwindow.
Someone kicked my back bumperwhile it was in valet, like just
so many things happened.

(38:49):
And so then next thing I knowit's $400 I have to pay him on.
I'm like are you fuckingshitting my dick?
No, but Kyle did shit onsomeone's dick.
I was really upset but I had tofigure out how to to.
Health insurance pisses me off,Cause what do you mean?
I have to pay for a genericprescription I didn't have to
before.
Apparently, there's a differentthing.

Speaker 2 (39:09):
It's called a deductible.
I hate it.

Speaker 1 (39:12):
I like being a part of, like a family deductible,
because I don't have to pay itcause I don't get sick but I'm
mentally ill and I need that,yeah that, and then my last
financial unwell.

Speaker 2 (39:22):
I think you should give an unwellie award to the
healthcare system, because weall know how fucking terrible it
is.
I mean, the CEO of UnitedHealthjust got assassinated.

Speaker 1 (39:34):
I'm not saying murder's never right, no, let
that be clear.
But that man's innocent, he's aslut.
That man's like what do?
You mean to tell me a twinkkilled a CEO and you're gonna
tell me, You're gonna tell methey got rid of all the witches
in Salem Because that is a witch.
That's a witch.
You let a twink kill them.

Speaker 2 (39:56):
Okay, I want to be Caleb that seems like your sort
of witchcraft where like oops, Iaccidentally possessed someone
and made him kill the CEO ofUnitedHealth.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
And that was just because I was mannequin on his
payroll Right, like I wasplaying with my Sims.

Speaker 2 (40:10):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (40:11):
And my Sims got a little out of hand.
And then my next and finalfinancial mistake was literally
a week to the day after wereleased our budgeting episode.
I accidentally contributed 50%of my paycheck to my 401k.
Yeah, that's a nomination,right there.
Finances.
I think I may have taken thecake.

Speaker 2 (40:29):
I don't know.
I'm spending money out of thewazoo with no job, so we'll let
the viewers decide.

Speaker 1 (40:35):
Yeah, but you got what you spent.
I did not.
Yeah, that's true, I got a lotof hobbies that I started.

Speaker 2 (40:41):
I really got a lot out of the money that I spent,
and I did it in a fairly umbudget friendly way yeah yeah,
um, okay, next topic for theunwell unwell awards sex okay,
kyle you want me to go firstyeah, how many sexual partners
did you have this year?

(41:02):
I didn't keep track but I'mgoing to say somewhere in the
low 20s Earlier it was in the30s, no no, the unrecorded
episode.

Speaker 1 (41:16):
Show me your receipts .
You know what?
That's fair because my memory'sshit Okay.
So somewhere in the 20s, yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:21):
Could be 29.
Did you keep a list?
Yeah, remember.

Speaker 1 (41:30):
We literally hard opened our season 2 with my body
count.

Speaker 2 (41:33):
Yeah, but that was 6 months ago.
It was 32 then, now it's 40.

Speaker 1 (41:38):
So I've had 8 hookups this year, not just since then
I've had 8 hookups this year andyou define that as penetrative.
I'm not going to do side actionwith someone.
Okay, I'm not going to do that.
My mouth gets tired, I'm bored.

Speaker 2 (41:49):
What's the plot?

Speaker 1 (41:50):
Are you?
Do you have a personality?

Speaker 2 (41:51):
Not doing it.
Okay, well, my 20 includes sideaction.
Boring, yeah, okay, I wouldlove to talk about your
sexcapades okay, let me gothrough my my list of um unwelly
hookups.
One I got ghosted by two boysokay.
Two is I had two vacationboyfriends.

Speaker 1 (42:14):
You did the dick doc I had the dick doc, wait, no,
you took someone to the TikTok,yeah, but what was his character
?

Speaker 2 (42:22):
So I had my Boston boyfriend and my Nola boyfriend,
which From Palm Springs.
Nola lives here.

Speaker 1 (42:29):
Correct.
Yeah, oh my god, are you goingto invite Nola to the House of
Lame Parody?
You should invite all of ourhookups to the House of Lame, I
mean he is.

Speaker 2 (42:35):
he does love Brat so.

Speaker 1 (42:38):
Hey, like no pressure , Like.
So I like no pressure.
Like if you come naked that'sfine too, but like I just know
you're really into like CharlieXCX, so like if we hook up.
That's would be a cool outcome.
It's not my intention, butplease come prepped.

Speaker 2 (42:50):
Absolutely yeah.
Can you just text that to himfor me?
Here's my phone I literallyjust forgot what I said.
Okay, um, I made out with.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
I haven't made out with anyone from the friend
group.

Speaker 2 (43:07):
Yeah, that's not really your MO.

Speaker 1 (43:08):
Tristan and I did kiss.
But I'm not much of a PDA withfriends.
I like to keep business andpleasure separate.
Yeah, I just pleasure myselfmostly, but I like to keep that
separate.

Speaker 2 (43:20):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (43:20):
But also you're leaving out someone kind of
adjacent who my ex-coworker NPV.

Speaker 2 (43:28):
He's not part of the friend group Okay, but it's kind
of adjacent to that, Okay fine.

Speaker 1 (43:33):
Yeah, you've fucked him and Ken in the shower as you
locked me out of the villa inPV.
Yeah, oops, but you're gonnamention the friend groups just
doing like kissing your siblingsLike that's normal.
What about me, kyle, and howyour?

Speaker 2 (43:47):
sex effects negatively impact me.
Yeah, I don't think the makingout or hooking up with your
ex-co-worker had any effect onyou.
I mean he moved to Australia,but any correlation?

Speaker 1 (43:58):
Have you checked in with him?
He was supposed to have ago-ahead party.
Yeah, he moved.
Good for him.

Speaker 2 (44:02):
Yeah, but any correlation to me making out?
I don't think I forced him tomove to a different country
across the entire world.
That's the narrative.

Speaker 1 (44:09):
I went with uh-huh yeah because before that trip I
didn't know anything aboutaustralia.
After the trip, now he'smagically moving okay kyle okay.

Speaker 2 (44:19):
this next one is I had one prostate orgasm and we
talked about it on the podcast.
It was from season one and itwas the roommate of the hot
neighbor boy and the funny partof this story is that I got a
text message from our landlordslike last week, and there's a

(44:40):
picture of all of them with myfriends, with the guy that gave
me the prostate orgasm who liveshere in Seattle that gave me
the prostate orgasm, who liveshere in Seattle but was visiting
his boyfriend in California.
I introduced our landlord toprostate orgasm boy's partner,
who just moved into town, andnow all of them are together at

(45:03):
a Christmas bar having acocktail, smiling for the
picture, and I'm like that's theguy that gave me my first
prostate orgasm.

Speaker 1 (45:10):
I need a red string vision board of how all this is
connected, because I think.
I've followed something aboutsex and Christmas and landlords
yes, yeah, okay, I'm following.

Speaker 2 (45:22):
You got it.

Speaker 1 (45:23):
Can I talk about your sex and how it impacted me?
Oh, go ahead, Um other than youlock me out of the villa while
you're having a threesome.

Speaker 2 (45:30):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (45:31):
And PV.
With my old coworker.
I also had arranged a hookupand then I was presented with a
better looking man and I waslike Kyle, this guy's already on
the way over.
Like, would you have sex withhim?
You're like, I mean, I don'tSure why not.
I was like, okay, great Air,drop me some pics.

(45:57):
I'm a girl's girl.
I'm.
I've been a publicist throughand through and I coordinated
all of it.
And this man shows upimmediately, starts complaining
to you and I'm like, oh, my God,thank God I didn't have sex
with that one.
But my guy shows up very hotand we're going to have sex and
I get rug burn because thecondom's too big.
He gave me gonorrhea.
I got treated for it twice.
Yada, yada, yada.
Y'all know that story.
But then also the same nightafter I finished having sex and

(46:17):
I'm like waddling to thebathroom because my butt is
burning from the extra lava.
Or gonorrhea Slate.
Who knows it was too soon totell.

Speaker 2 (46:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:27):
Kyle is getting a blowjob on the counter In the
kitchenette.
Yeah from the bitchy guy that Ialmost had sex with.
I'm like well, thank God Ididn't do that and that's one of
your sexcapades and how I wasinvolved.
The other one was the samenight that you fucked my old
coworker.
You were like you're such agood friend.

Speaker 2 (46:49):
You slept out here where there's no air
conditioning.
I wouldn't do that for you, youfucking bitch.
Yeah, I know You're a betterfriend than me.
Eh, that's not true.
That's not true.
I just have lower standards.
I'm like, well, I could sleephere, I can sweat it out, right?
You know what?

Speaker 1 (47:04):
Just put me somewhere .
As long as I have somewhere tolay my head, that's fine.
Okay, what else you got From myhookups?
Yeah, okay, slay.
So I had eight, okay, yeah.
This year.
And just to revisit them inchronological order, I had sex
with two daddies when I wenthome in April to see my godchild
, my niece, after she was born,and I had sex with these.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
God bless, they were a gay couple.

Speaker 1 (47:26):
God bless there were a gay couple.
One of them had really weirdtextured skin like a reptile and
it bothered me and I did notcut.
I just had to get out of there?

Speaker 2 (47:33):
How was the complexion of his penis?
No brainer.

Speaker 1 (47:36):
Okay, so that was the first two, and then, of course,
I'm looking at my notes app soI can tell them in chronological
order, because some of themhave names.
Yes, their names were Greg andAdam, and then my situation ship
that I was in with that guy fora hot minute.
He was my next hookup, the onlyguy I topped this year so I

(47:57):
still get to have my claim, yourverse yes but not publicly.
I'm not putting that on myprofile.
Don't expect me to perform andthen we went to PV, had sex with
a guy who gave me gonorrhea.
Next guy was oh my god, this isa part of this.
I was giggling earlier like andthen then we went to PV, had
sex with a guy who gave megonorrhea.
Um, next guy was oh my god,this is a part of this.
I was giggling earlier like Iwanted to tell you about what
next was.
Hannah Montana guy.

Speaker 2 (48:16):
Oh, yeah, which we went.
I was obsessed with you at theHannah Montana show.
Yes, and I was like, eventhough you had two wigs on.

Speaker 1 (48:22):
I was like, she was like both.
So I'm like, come with me, we'dhave sex that night Cause.
But you did eventually I wantedto have.
Yeah, and we, whenever he didcome over, we had sex.
I finished and I was like Icompletely lost interest, I got

(48:45):
off.
He didn't.
Uh, I literally pulled,literally pulled, like a fake
getting tearful, and I was likeI wasn't really emotionally
ready for that and got likepretending like I was crying and
I was like I think it's bestthat you probably go.
He left, I got in the bathtuband watched my tiki-takis.

Speaker 2 (49:05):
I just didn't like I got what I needed.
Why don't you just say, oh well, I'm done?
Would you like a glass of wateron your way out?

Speaker 1 (49:12):
Because the sex wasn't bad, the dick wasn't bad.

Speaker 2 (49:14):
So I was like and like he still hit me up, you
want to keep him on like reserve, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (49:17):
And I think that, yeah, that's really unwell and,
caleb, you probably shouldn'ttreat people like that, but I
need to practice my actingskills.
Okay, you know, and he saw meon stage as Hannah I had a like
dad.
You just don't understand.
Get out.
Oh, my God Um and then afterthat we have 12 minute.

Speaker 2 (49:38):
man oh we talked about this on the podcast.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
I don't know, because I've did.
I didn't the 12 minute man Ithought you just alluded to.

Speaker 2 (49:52):
I the 12 minute man I thought you just alluded to.
I didn't know you actually hita timer as soon as this man.

Speaker 1 (49:52):
It was a grinder hookup that Caleb had as soon as
he walked in the house, Istarted a timer.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
They walked upstairs, got to business, they walked
out, I stopped the timer and assoon as he left, caleb walks
into the living room and I go 12minutes, huh and do you
remember I was like, and myfucking hip hurts.

Speaker 1 (50:09):
He didn't even take it slow, he just got in there.
I was like, holy fuck, thishurts.
It was not even worth it.
Oh unwell.
And then I had the guy I hadsex with in austin um the
energizer bunny.

Speaker 2 (50:20):
The energizer bunny, yeah, yeah, he was.

Speaker 1 (50:22):
He looked hot, but it wasn't that great.
And then, um, the guy that Imost recently had sex with when
I went back home, he was fine hewas, he was cute Okay.
Nothing special.
What I'm missing, what I'mlooking for out of all of that
is creativity.
I want like a plot.
I've really been into thisblood-sucking vampire idea like
the foreplay of not foreplay,like the kink of all of that,

(50:45):
yeah, so I'm hoping to dabblewith that next and who knows?
Did you break anyone's?

Speaker 2 (50:52):
heart this year.

Speaker 1 (50:53):
I think I have one person on my mind too yeah, um,
I think I did, which it reallywasn't intentional and I kind of
probably deserved it.
I got my.
It got read for filth after thegriff concert you got reamed.

Speaker 2 (51:05):
You got reamed by a guy who maybe you were like
leading out a little bit oh, forsure I was, yeah, but like I
was also honest at the same time.
Yeah, you know who I'm talkingabout.
Whose heart I think I broke.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
Oh my God, yeah, I'm gonna cut that part.
You a thousand percent brokehis heart.
I know we sat here in theliving room and we sang Send it
On Kyle.
That is something you do withsomeone who's going to be in
your life forever.
I know you let him on.

Speaker 2 (51:31):
Oh, maybe I did a little bit.
No, you did not, kyle.
Oh my God, he latched on.

Speaker 1 (51:35):
Because then, like you recognize, you know what I'm
proud of you you recognize thered flags early on Because he
was still hung up with his ex.
He was at Harborview after sometraumatic skateboarding or
scootering accident Kind of lesstoxic than your last
relationship, though.

Speaker 2 (51:48):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (51:50):
And honestly.
I still like him.
I actually don't mind hangingout.
I don't mind hanging out, yeah,he was great.

Speaker 2 (52:01):
I really liked him.

Speaker 1 (52:04):
Did you like break his heart because I kept giving
you hell about him?

Speaker 2 (52:07):
No, because like every time you're talking to him
, I just knew it wasn't goinganywhere.
No, break his heart, because Ikept giving you hell about him.

Speaker 1 (52:11):
No, I just knew it wasn't going anywhere?
No, did you have your heartbroken?
No, no, I was not emotionallyavailable.

Speaker 2 (52:15):
Yeah, I was kind of bummed when the cute neighbor
boy moved to San Francisco.

Speaker 1 (52:23):
But you didn't have your heart broken because he
didn't like you.
It was geographical differences.

Speaker 2 (52:27):
It's true.
Next topic is nominations forour friends.
So I want to nominate tristan,who in one single night turned a
woman into a lesbian, astraight woman into a lesbian,
just with her lips, just kissingher, yeah, making out with her
a little bit, and simultaneously, on the same night, convincing

(52:53):
two of our friends, two gay menwho are married, to hook up with
her.

Speaker 1 (52:59):
But she did it.
She did it Self-restraint.

Speaker 2 (53:01):
I don't think that's what it was, but that's where it
looked like the night was going, so I think that she deserves
an Unwellie Award for theshenanigans that she got up to
that one night.

Speaker 1 (53:16):
But then she also gets, I guess, best personality
that night, because then shetaught Hannah Montana guy that
was obsessed with me that I hadto kick out and fake crying the
apple dance.
All in the same night and thenmanaged to hook up with a
bartender at a gay bar Correct,all in the same night and then
popped up at 7 am.

(53:36):
I was like good morning.
My other big things thathappened to me this year is I
got hit in the balls with asoftball and they swelled up to
the size of a grapefruit Mm-hmmfruit and I called my mom crying
, and I was like mom, what do Ido?
And she was like I don't know,you're the nurse, I don't know.
I was like they don't, mom,they teach you how to handle
this in mom's school, notnursing school, right, right,

(53:59):
I'm just a boy right now withballs the size of a grapefruit.
Mom, what do I do?

Speaker 2 (54:03):
You know who you could have called is your ex's
ex-husband who?
Is a urologist, a urology nurse, imagine.

Speaker 1 (54:11):
You should have just sent him a picture and be like
this is how they look all thetime.
And the only other two messagesin the group in the message
with him is him being likeyou're causing my divorce, leave
me alone.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
Here's my testicles.

Speaker 1 (54:25):
I'm not laughing about the divorce.
That's really sad, but my balls, they need help.

Speaker 2 (54:30):
They laughing about the divorce that's really sad.
But my balls, they need help,they need attention.
Help me out right now.
That's toxic.

Speaker 1 (54:32):
It is that, and then I don't think it's unwell, but
other people might see it asthat.
I did go to Chili's in ninedifferent cities and two
different countries, threedifferent countries.

Speaker 2 (54:49):
Is that unwell?
I don't think that's unwell.
I think that's.

Speaker 1 (54:52):
I know, but like to me, I'm just bragging.
Yeah, um, I've.
And what's unwell enough isI've pestered them probably
enough on the on the internetthat I think they're finally
putting a Chili's in the airport.
So slight yeah.

Speaker 2 (55:13):
That's also just bragging, yeah, yeah, well,
thank you to all of our friendsfor being so vulnerable with us
and continuing to share yourunwell stories.
Thank you, tristan.
Thank you all of our hookups,who are never going to hook up
with us again because of theshit that we're talking about.

Speaker 1 (55:24):
Would you repeat Any of them?
Mm-hmm, absolutely.
Let's do victory and vice.
I'm going to do a combo victoryand vice because Okay, go.
Last week I seemed to bementally intact.
I was manic, it was doing great, I got a lot of stuff done.
I-.

Speaker 2 (55:38):
You know that manic is not like a good base state,
right, correct, but for somereason you always refer to it as
like I'm doing great, I'm manic, great, I manic like that's the
best place to be, but that'snot actually the best place to
be.
Don't tear me down.
It's actually like unwell to bein a manic state.
You should be kind of like.

Speaker 1 (55:55):
You know you gotta find your baseline yeah, I call
it my manic state, but it's justwhere I'm just like saying and
doing whatever's on my brain butlike I called mania, but I was
able to juggle all the thingsthat were thrown at me when
every other week of the year, Ihave felt like I've been
drowning, so that's why I thinkit was such a week and it had to
do a lot of it because workstuff.

Speaker 2 (56:14):
I know.

Speaker 1 (56:16):
Leave my brain alone.
But uh, victory and vice.
My vice is this week I had theopposite reaction.
I had a complete come apart.
Uh, came home Monday from workand it was probably one of the
toughest days that I've had.
And after last week, sharingabout kind of like loving and
accepting myself and you knowbeing and just loving the

(56:38):
version of me that is showing up, I tell you that I'm having a
really bad time.
I go upstairs, I get in thebathtub and it is really bad,
like I'm just feeling like sopanicky sewing, so anxious,
because overwhelmed yeah, itworks so much.
And then I have this test comingup and I just like felt like I

(57:00):
was just not being, I wasspeaking ill of myself, so, and
usually I'll tell you all ofthese things and then just go
hide in my room.
So then I decided to come backdownstairs and asked you.
I said, hey, I'm going to talkto you about what's going on in
my brain.
I don't need your logic becausemy emotion brain will shut down

(57:23):
.
And I just shared with you alist of all the things that is
going on.
Going on, like all at the sametime between work, between life
yeah.
And I just shared those with youand I actually like started
crying and it was like more likecrying crying not just like
something sweet or like a onetear like I do on the podcast

(57:44):
sometimes, like I was actuallycrying, which I don't do super
often and it's a vice, because Ifelt that way.
But it was a victory that Icame down and shared it with you
and, other than the Kygo nightwhenever you know, you felt had
a big emotional response to thatsong and I was there, you know,

(58:04):
and we got to experience thattogether.
I felt so comfortable and safeletting you see that part of me,
because the last time that Idid it was with the guy that
broke up with me and I was like,oh, you are too much, which is
how I've always spoken aboutmyself, so I held back a lot of
it.
I don't let people see just thetip of the iceberg you know

(58:25):
that frigid bitch that killedthe titanic but.
I let you see all of what wasunderneath Not even all of it,
just a chip.
And it was a victory because Ithink I was finally practicing
what I was preaching.
I was asking for help, I wasbeing vulnerable and I was
trusting you.
And you did all of you saidexactly all the things that I
needed to hear and say and feltvery supported.

(58:46):
So, vice sad, Victory, sad withfriend.

Speaker 2 (58:52):
I'm glad I could have been your friend in that moment
.

Speaker 1 (58:55):
Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 2 (58:57):
That's my victory it wasn't like trauma dumping on my
end.
I hope that you know that, like, I'm here to listen and be a
support for you in whatever waythat you need me to be Timing my
sex, yeah, exactly 12 minutes.
Okay, and yeah, I'm going tocall you out on your bullshit
and I'm going to.
There's going to be momentswhere I'm going to need my time

(59:18):
and space and I can't be therefor you.
You know, 100% of the time, butmost of the time when you
really need me, I 100% will bethere for you.

Speaker 1 (59:27):
You're so God, you're so kind and so nice.
I said the same thing after oneof our friends was so angry at
you.

Speaker 2 (59:35):
And attractive and a fat ass and a full mustache.
Boys hit him up before heimpregnates this girl, not me,
lindsay, sorry that was weird,that was a weird segue.

Speaker 1 (59:46):
I thought you were talking about Tristan.
Oh yeah, oh, my God.
Imagine, okay, what's yourvictory?

Speaker 2 (59:51):
advice.
Okay, my victory is that lastweek I hosted, so I don't know
if we talked about it on thepodcast, but I started my own
pop-up bartending business, popProductions.
Pop Productions Make your partypop, honey, and don't choke on
my slogan.

Speaker 1 (01:00:07):
Just like your pussy.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
Don't choke on my slogan Don't choke on my slogan.
Just choke on my dick, don'tchoke on my court girl.
So I hosted my first pop-upprivate bartending party and it
was a smashing success with acompany that's owned by
Microsoft and I'm doing theirmonthly corporate happy hours

(01:00:29):
and it's just a fun side hustleand it's been great to like have
that as a positive thinghappening within my career and I
want to celebrate it, so it'smy victory.

Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
It's actually really wonderful.
And isn't it weird that, likeit was very tough for you this
year to, like you know, loseyour job, but, like you, it's
led you to have the free timeand space to kind of like fill
out what you want to do?
And it almost feels very likekind of gap year ish where like
you were supposed to use, orsomeone has your entire life

(01:01:02):
planned out and like, this iswhat you're going to do and all
this, but you really just got tothe chance to see what could
happen.

Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
Exactly, exactly, yeah, so hopefully more of that
Cause.
That's just like so much fun.

Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Yeah, you have the personality for it.

Speaker 2 (01:01:17):
Yeah, yeah, okay, my um vice of the week is a song.
You want me to sing it for you.

Speaker 1 (01:01:26):
Is it the one you wrote earlier?

Speaker 2 (01:01:28):
Yeah, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
Yes, what key are you going to sing it in?
C major?

Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
I don't know what that means.
Go ahead.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a
twelve-step program Elevenmental breakdowns, ten batons
a-twirling, nine paydayspaghettis, eight Chili's visits
, seven Instagram stalkers.
Six boys be ghosting visitseven instagram stalkers, six

(01:01:54):
boys be ghosting, five cockrings, four guest appearances,
three fire therapists, two newprescriptions and one unfamously
unwell podcast.

Speaker 1 (01:02:01):
I have several critiques, but so good.
Should I do it again?
No, that was so, that was sogood.
But you know what?
Fuck you, I'm not havinganother intervention this early.

Speaker 2 (01:02:11):
And that's why Caleb should win the Unwellie Awards.

Speaker 1 (01:02:15):
What are we doing again?
Lying.
Where am I?

Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
Lyric.
I like it Creative.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:02:23):
Creative.
Are we going to release that onvinyl?

Speaker 2 (01:02:26):
Let's release it as a single on Spotify.
How do you do that number onehit.
It just surpassed SabrinaCarpenter's taste imagine okay,
it's Spotify unwrapped we haveCharlie XCX we have Chaperone
and we have Kyle Pride.
Weber, that's right anyways.
I hope y'all enjoyed that.

(01:02:47):
I want to say thank you to allof our listeners.
Oh fuck.

Speaker 1 (01:02:52):
That's a prostate orgasm right there.

Speaker 2 (01:02:54):
Honestly, it's not too far off.
All right, well, thank you toall of our listeners for
listening to us read each otherfor filth about all of the
unwell-y things that we've donethis year.
We want to hear about howunwell your year has been, so
send us a message on Instagramat Unfamously Unwell, shoot us
an email at UnfamouslyUnwell atgmailcom or click the link in

(01:03:18):
the description and you canshoot us a text that way and
tell us all about how well orunwell your year has gone and we
won't judge you, but we willread it on the podcast.
So until next week we wish youwell.

Speaker 1 (01:03:34):
You better vote, bitches.

Speaker 2 (01:03:36):
Thanks for listening to another episode of Unfamously
Unwell, the unrated podcasthosted by your two favorite
Seattle homosexuals on a journeyto higher health.
Listen each week as we deepdive into a new topic and give
you all the dirty details of oursuccesses and failures along
the way.

Speaker 1 (01:03:52):
You can send us your questions, feedback or share
your own victory advice bywriting to unfamouslyunwell at
gmailcom or by clicking the linkat the bottom of the
description to shoot us a text.
We'd love to hear from you andshare your stories on the pod.

Speaker 2 (01:04:03):
We'll see you back here next week for another
unhinged episode of UnfamouslyUnwell, unrated.