December 4, 2024 • 28 mins
What happens when the scars left by abuse are invisible? Join me to hear the complexities of emotional and psychological abuse with Amanda, a special education teacher who bravely shares her personal story of enduring narcissistic abuse and domestic violence. She details the often-misunderstood nature of living with someone who exhibits traits of narcissistic personality disorder, shedding light on the emotional torment and manipulation that can occur behind closed doors. Amanda's experience underscores the urgent need for wider recognition and understanding of non-physical abuse, especially within legal systems, offering a beacon of hope and awareness for those navigating similar struggles.
In a world where perception often masks reality, we delve into the shadowy realm of covert narcissistic abuse. Discover how these individuals craft charming public personas while engaging in manipulative tactics such as smear campaigns and deploying the unnerving narcissist smirk. Amanda's insights reveal the internal conflicts faced by narcissists, and how their unresolved childhood issues can manifest as misogynistic behaviors. By recognizing these damaging patterns, listeners can arm themselves against the exhausting cycle of emotional abuse and take steps toward safeguarding their mental health. This episode invites you to join a supportive community aimed at understanding, healing, and breaking free from the confines of emotional manipulation.
Amanda's profile link: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/amanda-webb/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
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Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
I cannot stress enough theimportance of recognizing that
abuse is not only physical.
By now we are all familiar withthe different forms.
Even so, emotional andpsychological abuse are still
too often dismissed.
My next guest describes herabuse in the next two episodes.
(00:23):
In part one she explains thetraits attributed to
narcissistic personalitydisorder.
Here is Amanda.
Good morning.
I have Amanda with me thismorning, so Amanda welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Thank you.
Thank, amanda, welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you, ingrid.
Thanks for having me today.
I'm really happy to be here andshare my story in hopes to help
someone else.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yes, and you have kind of a background of where
you have been actively trying tohelp people and I think that's
somehow how I found you.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Yeah, that's what I was wondering.
I am active in some Facebookgroups and I talk to other women
and kind of that's how Istarted actually helping to heal
myself is getting into some ofthese groups after I endured
narcissistic abuse and domesticviolence due to my husband's
disorder.
So my goal today is to continueto break the silence of abuse,
(01:31):
and after two years, ofseparating from my now
ex-husband.
I decided to talk about whattranspired during my marriage on
social media and I postedsomething on October 1st to
honor Domestic Abuse AwarenessMonth.
The concentration of that postwas to bring awareness to mental
and emotional abuse by someonewho has undiagnosed narcissistic
(01:56):
personality disorder and, assomeone who is a special
education teacher, I've done alot of research and it's not
discussed enough and it'scertainly not recognized by the
courts.
So I found during my divorce soyou know there was some
physical abuse.
It wasn't, you know, straightup.
He never punched me, he neverused a fist.
(02:17):
There was some body checking.
There was some intimidation byproximity things like that
banging on the door, things likethat.
Those were more of theintimidation by proximity,
things like that banging on thedoor, things like that.
Those were more of theintimidation and physical.
But there was also some reallyinsidious, horrible things that
he did that I wanted to talkabout.
So on October 19th of 2022, Iwas falsely accused of abusing
(02:43):
my husband and I was removed bythe police from my home with a
restraining order, and I wasshocked.
I felt like something bad washappening and coming, because
two days before that, I startedwalking around the house and I
started taking pictures ofeverything in the house, and I
don't know exactly at the timewhat led me to do that, but I
(03:06):
decided that somehow that thiswas the right thing to do,
because he had been makingthreats that he wanted a divorce
, he wanted me to leave, hewanted me gone, but he had been
saying that for years.
So to me it was crying wolf,but somehow things had just
gotten so bad between us that Ithought I needed to do this.
(03:27):
So I was removed and this was astrategy by him and punishment
after refusing $5,000 to getdivorced with our attorney, he
wanted to give me 5K to get theF out of his house and to get
divorced and to be gone, and Irefused and I refused.
So he had his lawyer file itand you know it was unbelievable
(03:50):
.
The most interesting part ofthis order is that he wrote on
the last page that the abusestarted in 1997 and has
continued to escalate.
And I'm thinking who exactlyare you talking about?
In 1997, I was 21 years old andhe was living in Los Angeles,
so we met in January of 2016.
(04:14):
So it didn't make any sense.
So it just really brought tolight some of the delusion that
people with narcissisticpersonality disorder have, and
it was par for the course forall the other things that were
not true.
So apparently he saw my postbecause I believe he stalked my
(04:35):
page.
I don't think he's.
I feel like he's not completelyout of my energy, although I
wish he would would just leaveme alone and move on.
He stalked my page and it wasbrought to my attention that he
started a smear campaign after Iposted with more fabricated
stories that I'm the abuser, I'mthe problem, and the ironic
thing is that all of thesethings that he claimed I can
(04:58):
prove, if I really wanted to,that they're not true.
I have proof.
He claims that you know, I'veused children, I'm a special ed
teacher and, yeah, there's noproof of anything and I'm
currently a special ed teacher.
There's no way in the world Iwould still be able to do that
if you know I was the abuser.
So it's stuff like that thatdoesn't make any sense and I can
(05:24):
tell how far I've come in myhealing journey because it
doesn't bother me as much, itdoesn't trigger me as much as it
would prior.
You know, two years ago my headwas spinning.
I felt completely chaoticbecause I had been in this
environment where nothing madesense.
So now it doesn't bother me asmuch.
(05:46):
Um, and once I educated myselfand started doing the healing
work, you know what he does isjust expected, you know.
I just I'm an acceptance of itbecause that's just what they do
.
Um, the more I learn, the moreI you know, the more it helped
me understand that it wasn'tabout me.
It's just what he does becausehe has disordered thinking and
(06:06):
he has zero interest inunderstanding because he doesn't
have the problem in his eyes.
He's a victim.
He's always going to be thevictim, right?
So I'm actually going to go downthe list of some of the things
that I learned and alsoexperienced at the same time,
just to help reiterate whatnarcissistic personality
(06:26):
disorder is and help you know ifyour listeners are interested
and don't know much about it,like I didn't, to help educate
as well.
So and I have, you know, I havehim blocked everywhere, so I
really don't have to deal withit.
So I guess he has like a fakepage or something.
I don't know.
I'm not sure, but and I use thescreenshot after I read it, I
use that as content to educateas well that this is a smooth
(06:50):
campaign and this is what hedoes, and obviously he's upset
that I'm speaking, so there'ssomething to be said about that,
that he doesn't like the powerthat I hold.
So you know, anybody who'sneurotypical and irrational is
not going to understand thedelusion of a narcissist.
So that's what I was trying todo for so long.
Why are you doing this?
Why are you causing so manyproblems, so much discord in our
(07:15):
lives?
And you know he says his motherwas abusive.
So okay, here you are in yourlife now as an adult who gets to
choose.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
What kind of life?
Speaker 2 (07:23):
do you want to have know?
here I am trying to buildsomething with you and I feel
like it's built on, built onnothing.
It's built on sand, and everytime I try to build, he would
break it down and he wouldsabotage.
So, but the continued drama issomething that he uses to feel
relevant, to feel powerful, tofeel like he's winning something
.
It's this, it's as if he can'tlet go, and during the divorce
(07:46):
that he dragged out, hecontinued with immoral,
unethical tactics, but theyweren't illegal.
The things that he did were notillegal, but they were dramatic
, they were ridiculous, and allthe while saying he didn't want
a divorce.
So he had me removed from thehome and then, soon after,
wanted to drop the divorce andwanted me to come back, and it
(08:07):
made no sense to me.
So here you are pulling allthese tricks.
Uh with your lawyer and at thesame time, you're texting me
through the neighbor because wecouldn't have contact through
the neighbor uh, asking me tocome back and saying he didn't
want a divorce and he hates allof this.
You hate it, but yet you'redoing it.
So it's bizarre.
It was like some type of likeuh, separation, like it's as if
(08:32):
the divorce like this is justwhat we do or this is how this
has to go.
Is how I felt about it, becauseit didn't.
That's the only way I could.
I could rationalize it, you know, in my brain, because you know
he has no self-awareness and noability to self-reflect, so
there was that kind ofcompartmentalizing of any you
(08:52):
know the feelings that he has.
You know narcissists lackempathy.
So it was super confusing and Ijust chalked it up to.
This is part of the disorderand this is what they do, and
that that helped me.
I could only control myself andhow, how I, you know, carry
myself through this, throughthis divorce.
(09:14):
He asked me to come back and Isaid absolutely not, you know,
and I truly believe that hewanted me to come back for more
lives and more views.
And what I learned was thatwhen, even though they're lying
to you and saying everything'sgoing to be better, everything
will be great this time and I'mgoing to do this for you and
that for you when you come back.
It'll only be worse, becausethey're going to disregard
(09:35):
everything they said to you andtheir thinking process is oh,
she accepts the abuse, sheaccepts who I am, she accepts
what, what I do.
So I'm going to keep doing itand I'm going to you know up the
ante on on this.
So I knew that, even though Iwas enduring abuse, that there
would be an end point, uh, indivorce, versus going back to
(09:56):
the roller coaster of the lovebombing, the devaluation, the
discarding, and hovering backand starting all over again.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Right, because that is the entire circus that I was
dealing with at the time.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
This is the cycle and it's super chaotic and it's
pretty textbook.
From what I've learned, youknow I make a joke that they all
learn from the same handbookand it's not a laughing matter,
but sometimes humor helps me getthrough.
Let me share some of thetactics that they use.
So some of the traits of thenarcissist they lack empathy,
(10:35):
and empathy exists in severalparts of your brain.
You can't grow more, you can'tget more.
So I like to say that you know,narcissism exists on a
continuum, much like autism.
There are different levelsbecause there are different
levels of empathy within all ofus.
And so from a one to a 10, I'mgoing to say he's about a six
(10:58):
and a half to a seven and theperson I met at the end he did
all these horrible things is.
He really is, and it justshowed how much he lacked, how
much empathy he lacked.
And, above all, control is veryimportant.
He had a false sense of controlover me or his daughter, and he
(11:18):
felt in control even though hewas out of control, because if
you are in control of self, youdon't need to control other
people or feel like you have to.
They have to win and he'llcheat to win, and he has.
He lost in our divorce and isnow telling people he paid to
get rid of me.
(11:38):
Apparently, that was part ofthe smear campaign, which is
really interesting, because wehad to subpoena his financial,
so he wasn't giving me anythingfreely.
That was part of dragging outof this divorce, and even then
he offered me a settlement offerwith nothing.
So there's proof right therethat you know.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
I'm sorry.
I have to say that's one of themost ridiculous things I've
heard, and everyone I talked topaid to get rid of you.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah, yeah, he said, yeah, that he wanted to.
Just he was so done with mebecause I was the abuser that he
, yeah, just finally paid out sowe could be done.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
And what did he say Like how were you abusing him?
What was his claim?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
He said, from looking at the order of protection,
that I hit him.
He said I abused him, hisdaughter, who we had part-time,
and the dog yeah, that was partof this order that I had been
abusing him since 1997, eventhough we met in 2016,.
That I was demanding more moneyfrom him.
(12:45):
What did he say?
Oh, that he came at me and I,in fear, I put my hand up to
protect myself because I didn'tknow what he was going to do.
As he moved closer toward meand I guess my hand hit him or
whatever, or pushed up againsthim or whatever open, open hand.
(13:08):
And he says in here that I hithim, but I but I used an open
hand and the open hand is noexcuse.
It's still hitting.
So it's very technical, yeah,it's very technical, but you
know, but he could rush me.
He's, you know, he weighs morethan me, he's bigger than me,
but you know.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I mean intimidation.
Yeah, intimidation is part ofabuse.
Using their stature or whateverto intimidate Unbelievable,
yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
So, yeah, and he says it's, it's continued to
escalate.
I fear for my life and movingforward, he wanted a divorce and
I was like, okay, you got yourwish and then he didn't want it
again, even after thisrestraining order.
So, with that victim mindsetright, he created situations to
(14:05):
claim victim status, even thoughI was defending myself against
him.
You know, yeah, multiple timeshe would create a scenario and
he was, I believe, when he wasreliving some of the pain and
delusion with his mother of thepast that he never worked
through and created, tried tocreate that scenario with me and
(14:26):
me being trying to rationalizewith him.
I would have conversations.
I am not her.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
Attention, this is like air forthe narcissist.
They need supply, they need tobe validated, they need to be
admired and loved and it's allexternal.
There is no internal systemgoing on here, there's no
(14:49):
internal love.
Um, he needs a main supply tofill up on energy.
So apparently, you know, whenthe narcissist chooses you, you
see it as a compliment becausethere's something in within you,
your light, your energy, yourwhatever personality traits that
they like, that they want forthemselves, and they don't
realize like it doesn't workthat way.
You can't own my integrity orwhatever you don't.
(15:13):
That's not how it works,doesn't matter if it's positive
or negative.
You you know, and somethingthat they do it's called the
narcissist smirk, like once theysee that they've got you wound
up, they've got you upset,they've pushed you beyond.
And for me, I am not someone whoyells and I found myself
yelling and he would just standthere and smile because he knew
(15:36):
he upset me and that was thegoal, that was the aim.
So I felt like you know, hewakes up in the morning.
How can I piss my wife offtoday?
That's really what I felt.
So I can feel better about me,you know, and there was, there
was no, there was nothing wrongwith that, I suppose in his eyes
, um, public admiration.
So we talked about the smearcampaign.
(15:57):
External validation createsself-worth to hide behind this
mask.
So actually we were creating abusiness together, we were
partnering.
We had a distillery, we werestarting and we're partnering
with a brewery, and it wassupposed to be about us.
It was our business and moreand more it became about him.
He wanted, he made the boots,he did the sexy part and I was
(16:21):
doing more of the business sideand he loved the attention that
he was getting with the girlsand he also did some art.
He had a motorcycle theme andso he, you know, has actually
some artistic ability and youknow he'd post these things and
he'd post his art and wanted theattention and whatnot.
So, creating a public image iscompletely different than
(16:43):
private behaviors.
So he's very much a covertnarcissist.
He would give a stranger theshirt off his back and, wouldn't
you know, give me what I neededor what I asked for.
The behaviors behind closeddoors were horrible and we'll
get to that Manipulation.
He says abuse toward me neverhappened, and it's me.
But I'm the instigator, I'm theproblem.
(17:04):
I'm lying, I'm the abuser.
He wanted me to think that andthank God I had enough sense to
say no, this is what happened.
I saw what happened, I heardwhat happened.
So you cannot convince me.
Otherwise I would dig my heelsin on that, because I've heard
stories from other women whowere confused and thought they
(17:26):
were the bad person in thatrelationship, when actually
they're being manipulated andthey were just so tired and worn
down that they were inacceptance.
Okay, maybe it's me right, andno one's perfect by any means,
but this is an extreme, you know, since we have a constant
internal war between entitlementand worthlessness, so fragile
(17:47):
sense of self.
So he would move from arroganceto you know, I'm not even the
dirt under your shoe, so youknow, and he hates himself and
he told me I'm harder on myselfthan anyone, I know.
And so how is that possiblewhen you hate yourself?
How do you love another personwhen you can't fill your own
tank?
(18:07):
There's no way that you can bewith someone else.
And he faked it, you know, fora while Arrested development, so
lacking the ability to behavelike an adult, throwing, you
know, in this case, a mantantrum until he got his way.
You know, sometimes I felt likeI was talking to an
eight-year-old, sometimes I feltlike I was talking to a
(18:28):
15-year-old.
Um, and a disagreement wouldturn into an explosion.
They have, uh, zero sense ofscale.
So the smallest disagreement,you know, uh, you know, I don't
want to go here for dinner, Iwant to go there for dinner
would blow up and it wouldbecome a personal attack.
(18:48):
And anything I'd ever told himin confidence, anything that I'd
ever told him that may be animperfect person, or any story.
He would drag it up and use itas a weapon and actually create
more details than what wasactually true or what happened.
And he continued that with thesmear campaign, by the way,
(19:08):
gathering information to use itto his advantage.
So when I first met him, Ithought we were getting to know
each other and actually he wasgathering information, he was
banking it so he could find out,first of all, if I was someone
he could manipulate and control.
He was trying to find out whatmade me imperfect as a person so
(19:29):
he could use that against me.
He was, you know.
Again, control and win is whatthey want to do.
Yeah, he would gatherinformation and then anything
personal that I said and in adisagreement he would drag it up
and he would throw out allthese details.
That wouldn't make any sense.
It wasn't even about me and Idon't know if that was something
that happened in the past withhis mother, or I can't.
(19:50):
Even I can't make heads or tailsof it.
No accountability, noresponsibility, no sense of no,
no self-reflection, noself-awareness.
When it came to me now, otherpeople, you know, if you listen
to him on the phone because heworked from home on his computer
, I would hear him and I didn'tknow, even know, who that person
(20:11):
was anymore.
Um, he could problem solve, he.
He was courteous, you know, hewaited for his turn to talk,
things like that that normalpeople do.
It wasn't there in ourrelationship.
He was totally footless grip assoon as he walked off and
become this other person, it wasawful.
So what else Misogyny?
(20:35):
So he hates women because ofhis mother, and I didn't realize
that at first.
But every woman that in myposition as being, you know, his
other half or his relationshipwith, is the one that receives
all the, is the target itreceives all this horrible
behavior.
Um, it did leach into behaviorwith his daughters, I believe
(20:58):
his daughter who we have hertime she was one who would fawn,
so she would take an adult role, sort of, and make it okay for
dad.
That's what she would do.
She would be the perfectprincess and, you know, not
react, not, you know, her truepersonality wouldn't really come
out.
She was quiet, she watched himlike a hawk.
(21:20):
She would, you know, payattention to what he was doing,
so she could tap into hisfeelings, so she could
anticipate what was going tohappen.
And so I haven't really talkedmuch about, you know, his kids,
but that is something that Inoticed with his daughter.
I don't really talk too muchabout his kids, but that is
something that I noticed withhis daughter Rejection, so
(21:40):
belittling, blaming their chosentarget for problems and
mistakes.
Even if I wasn't even there, itwouldn't make a difference.
It's my fault somehowExpressing rage and then denying
his anger.
So, you know, I startedrecording things.
I have pictures, I haverecordings.
He would come up and bang onthe door and scream at me to get
(22:06):
the F out of his bathroom whileI'm trying to take a shower,
things like that.
I have a lot of these thingsrecorded.
They have lack of objectconstancy, so.
So if he decided that I'm bad,I'm bad continually, I'm just a
bad person, it wasn't a mistake,it wasn't something that I said
that I could take back, it wasall the way, it was all or
(22:27):
nothing and he also had thatwith himself.
He believed that he was a badperson as well and he fought
back and forth with that,choosing people they can use for
their benefit.
You know, I would say that allthe time I was utility to him.
I wasn't myself, I was anextension of him, I was someone
he could use, and I don't knowhow many times before I realized
(22:51):
he was a narcissist.
I would say I don't work foryou, we are partners, we're a
team.
I'm busy, I'm doing this and Idon't work for you.
He finds your value in themoment.
He will mirror you and take onyour personality traits and your
opinions.
So also in public situations, Inoticed something that I would
say he would take that on.
He would regurgitate what Isaid and I thought, oh, that's
(23:13):
interesting, and never say, ohyeah, amanda said this, I just
thought it was kind ofinteresting.
They attach and mirror versusconnect with people.
So that's what he did in thebeginning.
You know he wanted marriage, hewanted a family, he wanted a
business, all the things that Iwanted.
He mirrored me.
I was amazing, I was beautifuland that's who he was mirroring,
(23:39):
because he wanted to see that,that type of unattainable
perfection in himself.
And then once, when the anger,the rage, some of that stuff
started coming out and I startedquestioning him, then I was the
bad person for questioning hisbehavior.
Yeah, and he would have friends, like one particular friend
that he had.
He would would.
It's so weird.
He would act like him, he wouldtake on some of his personality
(24:00):
traits, he would dress like him, talk like him, react how I
think that the other personwould react.
It's really crazy.
And me, as a special ed teacher, I watch behaviors, I follow
patterns and so I would payattention, because you know,
that's how I was trained, uh, towatch children in the classroom
(24:21):
when we were looking forspecific actions or behaviors
from kids.
I noticed that in my ex-husband,so that was interesting.
He isn't honest about hisdecisions and how he impacts
other people um, not just me,his daughters.
So so there's, it doesn'tmatter.
But the only thing that mattersis the outside world and how
they see him and how he'sportrayed, because that is a
(24:43):
place where he's going to getvalidation.
They're going to tell him he'sgoing to get the attaboy you
know that he needs, because hecan't do it for himself.
He has no idea about how hischildhood wounds affected his
decision-making.
There's no reflection there,like I'm the one that told him.
Because of his horriblerelationship with his mother,
(25:03):
this affected some of the thingshe's doing now, like we did
personal development classestogether and at the beginning.
So I thought, you know, when Isaw some of these anger issues,
I thought, oh, he's working onhimself.
I know he pops off sometimesand I call it spiritual
bypassing.
So he was going around theproblem versus getting in and
(25:27):
attacking it.
So he was taking what helearned and regurgitating it and
talking about it because itsounded good or made him sound I
don't know like he wasenlightened or a guru or
something I don't know.
So you know he would say someof these things and it, but he
wasn't really connecting thedots there because if he was, he
wouldn't be treating me or hisdaughter the way that he had.
(25:50):
Back to social media, I createda version of a poem to share
what really happened and it'scalled, but he Didn't Hit Me.
There is an original version,but I just changed it up to shed
light on some of the thingsthat actually happened during my
marriage and at the beginningof all this.
(26:13):
So I was removed in October of2022.
In November, I just sat down.
I had all this nervous energybecause I was in fight or flight
.
I was stuck in this, still inthis kind of place of chaos and
getting a lawyer.
What's going on?
What happened?
Trying to understand it, I juststarted typing and it was this
(26:33):
continuous Word document and Icreated the list to typing and I
it was this continuous worddocument and I created the list.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I'm going to stop this episode here.
Make sure to tune in to parttwo with Amanda next week, as
she details examples of what sheexperienced with her abuser.
She has also created a profileon the one in three website.
Thank you for listening.
I have shared the link toAmanda's profile and the show
notes.
I will be back next week with asecond portion of my discussion
(27:02):
with Amanda.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom that's the number
1-I-N-3podcastcom.
(27:24):
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast To help me out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
(27:50):
Tim Crow.
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
I cannot stress enough theimportance of recognizing that
abuse is not only physical.
By now we are all familiar withthe different forms.
Even so, emotional andpsychological abuse are still
too often dismissed.
My next guest describes herabuse in the next two episodes.
(00:23):
In part one she explains thetraits attributed to
narcissistic personalitydisorder.
Here is Amanda.
Good morning.
I have Amanda with me thismorning, so Amanda welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Thank you.
Thank, amanda, welcome.
Thank you.
Thank you, ingrid.
Thanks for having me today.
I'm really happy to be here andshare my story in hopes to help
someone else.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yes, and you have kind of a background of where
you have been actively trying tohelp people and I think that's
somehow how I found you.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Yeah, that's what I was wondering.
I am active in some Facebookgroups and I talk to other women
and kind of that's how Istarted actually helping to heal
myself is getting into some ofthese groups after I endured
narcissistic abuse and domesticviolence due to my husband's
disorder.
So my goal today is to continueto break the silence of abuse,
(01:31):
and after two years, ofseparating from my now
ex-husband.
I decided to talk about whattranspired during my marriage on
social media and I postedsomething on October 1st to
honor Domestic Abuse AwarenessMonth.
The concentration of that postwas to bring awareness to mental
and emotional abuse by someonewho has undiagnosed narcissistic
(01:56):
personality disorder and, assomeone who is a special
education teacher, I've done alot of research and it's not
discussed enough and it'scertainly not recognized by the
courts.
So I found during my divorce soyou know there was some
physical abuse.
It wasn't, you know, straightup.
He never punched me, he neverused a fist.
(02:17):
There was some body checking.
There was some intimidation byproximity things like that
banging on the door, things likethat.
Those were more of theintimidation by proximity,
things like that banging on thedoor, things like that.
Those were more of theintimidation and physical.
But there was also some reallyinsidious, horrible things that
he did that I wanted to talkabout.
So on October 19th of 2022, Iwas falsely accused of abusing
(02:43):
my husband and I was removed bythe police from my home with a
restraining order, and I wasshocked.
I felt like something bad washappening and coming, because
two days before that, I startedwalking around the house and I
started taking pictures ofeverything in the house, and I
don't know exactly at the timewhat led me to do that, but I
(03:06):
decided that somehow that thiswas the right thing to do,
because he had been makingthreats that he wanted a divorce
, he wanted me to leave, hewanted me gone, but he had been
saying that for years.
So to me it was crying wolf,but somehow things had just
gotten so bad between us that Ithought I needed to do this.
(03:27):
So I was removed and this was astrategy by him and punishment
after refusing $5,000 to getdivorced with our attorney, he
wanted to give me 5K to get theF out of his house and to get
divorced and to be gone, and Irefused and I refused.
So he had his lawyer file itand you know it was unbelievable
(03:50):
.
The most interesting part ofthis order is that he wrote on
the last page that the abusestarted in 1997 and has
continued to escalate.
And I'm thinking who exactlyare you talking about?
In 1997, I was 21 years old andhe was living in Los Angeles,
so we met in January of 2016.
(04:14):
So it didn't make any sense.
So it just really brought tolight some of the delusion that
people with narcissisticpersonality disorder have, and
it was par for the course forall the other things that were
not true.
So apparently he saw my postbecause I believe he stalked my
(04:35):
page.
I don't think he's.
I feel like he's not completelyout of my energy, although I
wish he would would just leaveme alone and move on.
He stalked my page and it wasbrought to my attention that he
started a smear campaign after Iposted with more fabricated
stories that I'm the abuser, I'mthe problem, and the ironic
thing is that all of thesethings that he claimed I can
(04:58):
prove, if I really wanted to,that they're not true.
I have proof.
He claims that you know, I'veused children, I'm a special ed
teacher and, yeah, there's noproof of anything and I'm
currently a special ed teacher.
There's no way in the world Iwould still be able to do that
if you know I was the abuser.
So it's stuff like that thatdoesn't make any sense and I can
(05:24):
tell how far I've come in myhealing journey because it
doesn't bother me as much, itdoesn't trigger me as much as it
would prior.
You know, two years ago my headwas spinning.
I felt completely chaoticbecause I had been in this
environment where nothing madesense.
So now it doesn't bother me asmuch.
(05:46):
Um, and once I educated myselfand started doing the healing
work, you know what he does isjust expected, you know.
I just I'm an acceptance of itbecause that's just what they do
.
Um, the more I learn, the moreI you know, the more it helped
me understand that it wasn'tabout me.
It's just what he does becausehe has disordered thinking and
(06:06):
he has zero interest inunderstanding because he doesn't
have the problem in his eyes.
He's a victim.
He's always going to be thevictim, right?
So I'm actually going to go downthe list of some of the things
that I learned and alsoexperienced at the same time,
just to help reiterate whatnarcissistic personality
(06:26):
disorder is and help you know ifyour listeners are interested
and don't know much about it,like I didn't, to help educate
as well.
So and I have, you know, I havehim blocked everywhere, so I
really don't have to deal withit.
So I guess he has like a fakepage or something.
I don't know.
I'm not sure, but and I use thescreenshot after I read it, I
use that as content to educateas well that this is a smooth
(06:50):
campaign and this is what hedoes, and obviously he's upset
that I'm speaking, so there'ssomething to be said about that,
that he doesn't like the powerthat I hold.
So you know, anybody who'sneurotypical and irrational is
not going to understand thedelusion of a narcissist.
So that's what I was trying todo for so long.
Why are you doing this?
Why are you causing so manyproblems, so much discord in our
(07:15):
lives?
And you know he says his motherwas abusive.
So okay, here you are in yourlife now as an adult who gets to
choose.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
What kind of life?
Speaker 2 (07:23):
do you want to have know?
here I am trying to buildsomething with you and I feel
like it's built on, built onnothing.
It's built on sand, and everytime I try to build, he would
break it down and he wouldsabotage.
So, but the continued drama issomething that he uses to feel
relevant, to feel powerful, tofeel like he's winning something
.
It's this, it's as if he can'tlet go, and during the divorce
(07:46):
that he dragged out, hecontinued with immoral,
unethical tactics, but theyweren't illegal.
The things that he did were notillegal, but they were dramatic
, they were ridiculous, and allthe while saying he didn't want
a divorce.
So he had me removed from thehome and then, soon after,
wanted to drop the divorce andwanted me to come back, and it
(08:07):
made no sense to me.
So here you are pulling allthese tricks.
Uh with your lawyer and at thesame time, you're texting me
through the neighbor because wecouldn't have contact through
the neighbor uh, asking me tocome back and saying he didn't
want a divorce and he hates allof this.
You hate it, but yet you'redoing it.
So it's bizarre.
It was like some type of likeuh, separation, like it's as if
(08:32):
the divorce like this is justwhat we do or this is how this
has to go.
Is how I felt about it, becauseit didn't.
That's the only way I could.
I could rationalize it, you know, in my brain, because you know
he has no self-awareness and noability to self-reflect, so
there was that kind ofcompartmentalizing of any you
(08:52):
know the feelings that he has.
You know narcissists lackempathy.
So it was super confusing and Ijust chalked it up to.
This is part of the disorderand this is what they do, and
that that helped me.
I could only control myself andhow, how I, you know, carry
myself through this, throughthis divorce.
(09:14):
He asked me to come back and Isaid absolutely not, you know,
and I truly believe that hewanted me to come back for more
lives and more views.
And what I learned was thatwhen, even though they're lying
to you and saying everything'sgoing to be better, everything
will be great this time and I'mgoing to do this for you and
that for you when you come back.
It'll only be worse, becausethey're going to disregard
(09:35):
everything they said to you andtheir thinking process is oh,
she accepts the abuse, sheaccepts who I am, she accepts
what, what I do.
So I'm going to keep doing itand I'm going to you know up the
ante on on this.
So I knew that, even though Iwas enduring abuse, that there
would be an end point, uh, indivorce, versus going back to
(09:56):
the roller coaster of the lovebombing, the devaluation, the
discarding, and hovering backand starting all over again.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Right, because that is the entire circus that I was
dealing with at the time.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
This is the cycle and it's super chaotic and it's
pretty textbook.
From what I've learned, youknow I make a joke that they all
learn from the same handbookand it's not a laughing matter,
but sometimes humor helps me getthrough.
Let me share some of thetactics that they use.
So some of the traits of thenarcissist they lack empathy,
(10:35):
and empathy exists in severalparts of your brain.
You can't grow more, you can'tget more.
So I like to say that you know,narcissism exists on a
continuum, much like autism.
There are different levelsbecause there are different
levels of empathy within all ofus.
And so from a one to a 10, I'mgoing to say he's about a six
(10:58):
and a half to a seven and theperson I met at the end he did
all these horrible things is.
He really is, and it justshowed how much he lacked, how
much empathy he lacked.
And, above all, control is veryimportant.
He had a false sense of controlover me or his daughter, and he
(11:18):
felt in control even though hewas out of control, because if
you are in control of self, youdon't need to control other
people or feel like you have to.
They have to win and he'llcheat to win, and he has.
He lost in our divorce and isnow telling people he paid to
get rid of me.
(11:38):
Apparently, that was part ofthe smear campaign, which is
really interesting, because wehad to subpoena his financial,
so he wasn't giving me anythingfreely.
That was part of dragging outof this divorce, and even then
he offered me a settlement offerwith nothing.
So there's proof right therethat you know.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
I'm sorry.
I have to say that's one of themost ridiculous things I've
heard, and everyone I talked topaid to get rid of you.
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah, yeah, he said, yeah, that he wanted to.
Just he was so done with mebecause I was the abuser that he
, yeah, just finally paid out sowe could be done.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
And what did he say Like how were you abusing him?
What was his claim?
Speaker 2 (12:23):
He said, from looking at the order of protection,
that I hit him.
He said I abused him, hisdaughter, who we had part-time,
and the dog yeah, that was partof this order that I had been
abusing him since 1997, eventhough we met in 2016,.
That I was demanding more moneyfrom him.
(12:45):
What did he say?
Oh, that he came at me and I,in fear, I put my hand up to
protect myself because I didn'tknow what he was going to do.
As he moved closer toward meand I guess my hand hit him or
whatever, or pushed up againsthim or whatever open, open hand.
(13:08):
And he says in here that I hithim, but I but I used an open
hand and the open hand is noexcuse.
It's still hitting.
So it's very technical, yeah,it's very technical, but you
know, but he could rush me.
He's, you know, he weighs morethan me, he's bigger than me,
but you know.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I mean intimidation.
Yeah, intimidation is part ofabuse.
Using their stature or whateverto intimidate Unbelievable,
yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
So, yeah, and he says it's, it's continued to
escalate.
I fear for my life and movingforward, he wanted a divorce and
I was like, okay, you got yourwish and then he didn't want it
again, even after thisrestraining order.
So, with that victim mindsetright, he created situations to
(14:05):
claim victim status, even thoughI was defending myself against
him.
You know, yeah, multiple timeshe would create a scenario and
he was, I believe, when he wasreliving some of the pain and
delusion with his mother of thepast that he never worked
through and created, tried tocreate that scenario with me and
(14:26):
me being trying to rationalizewith him.
I would have conversations.
I am not her.
What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
Attention, this is like air forthe narcissist.
They need supply, they need tobe validated, they need to be
admired and loved and it's allexternal.
There is no internal systemgoing on here, there's no
(14:49):
internal love.
Um, he needs a main supply tofill up on energy.
So apparently, you know, whenthe narcissist chooses you, you
see it as a compliment becausethere's something in within you,
your light, your energy, yourwhatever personality traits that
they like, that they want forthemselves, and they don't
realize like it doesn't workthat way.
You can't own my integrity orwhatever you don't.
(15:13):
That's not how it works,doesn't matter if it's positive
or negative.
You you know, and somethingthat they do it's called the
narcissist smirk, like once theysee that they've got you wound
up, they've got you upset,they've pushed you beyond.
And for me, I am not someone whoyells and I found myself
yelling and he would just standthere and smile because he knew
(15:36):
he upset me and that was thegoal, that was the aim.
So I felt like you know, hewakes up in the morning.
How can I piss my wife offtoday?
That's really what I felt.
So I can feel better about me,you know, and there was, there
was no, there was nothing wrongwith that, I suppose in his eyes
, um, public admiration.
So we talked about the smearcampaign.
(15:57):
External validation createsself-worth to hide behind this
mask.
So actually we were creating abusiness together, we were
partnering.
We had a distillery, we werestarting and we're partnering
with a brewery, and it wassupposed to be about us.
It was our business and moreand more it became about him.
He wanted, he made the boots,he did the sexy part and I was
(16:21):
doing more of the business sideand he loved the attention that
he was getting with the girlsand he also did some art.
He had a motorcycle theme andso he, you know, has actually
some artistic ability and youknow he'd post these things and
he'd post his art and wanted theattention and whatnot.
So, creating a public image iscompletely different than
(16:43):
private behaviors.
So he's very much a covertnarcissist.
He would give a stranger theshirt off his back and, wouldn't
you know, give me what I neededor what I asked for.
The behaviors behind closeddoors were horrible and we'll
get to that Manipulation.
He says abuse toward me neverhappened, and it's me.
But I'm the instigator, I'm theproblem.
(17:04):
I'm lying, I'm the abuser.
He wanted me to think that andthank God I had enough sense to
say no, this is what happened.
I saw what happened, I heardwhat happened.
So you cannot convince me.
Otherwise I would dig my heelsin on that, because I've heard
stories from other women whowere confused and thought they
(17:26):
were the bad person in thatrelationship, when actually
they're being manipulated andthey were just so tired and worn
down that they were inacceptance.
Okay, maybe it's me right, andno one's perfect by any means,
but this is an extreme, you know, since we have a constant
internal war between entitlementand worthlessness, so fragile
(17:47):
sense of self.
So he would move from arroganceto you know, I'm not even the
dirt under your shoe, so youknow, and he hates himself and
he told me I'm harder on myselfthan anyone, I know.
And so how is that possiblewhen you hate yourself?
How do you love another personwhen you can't fill your own
tank?
(18:07):
There's no way that you can bewith someone else.
And he faked it, you know, fora while Arrested development, so
lacking the ability to behavelike an adult, throwing, you
know, in this case, a mantantrum until he got his way.
You know, sometimes I felt likeI was talking to an
eight-year-old, sometimes I feltlike I was talking to a
(18:28):
15-year-old.
Um, and a disagreement wouldturn into an explosion.
They have, uh, zero sense ofscale.
So the smallest disagreement,you know, uh, you know, I don't
want to go here for dinner, Iwant to go there for dinner
would blow up and it wouldbecome a personal attack.
(18:48):
And anything I'd ever told himin confidence, anything that I'd
ever told him that may be animperfect person, or any story.
He would drag it up and use itas a weapon and actually create
more details than what wasactually true or what happened.
And he continued that with thesmear campaign, by the way,
(19:08):
gathering information to use itto his advantage.
So when I first met him, Ithought we were getting to know
each other and actually he wasgathering information, he was
banking it so he could find out,first of all, if I was someone
he could manipulate and control.
He was trying to find out whatmade me imperfect as a person so
(19:29):
he could use that against me.
He was, you know.
Again, control and win is whatthey want to do.
Yeah, he would gatherinformation and then anything
personal that I said and in adisagreement he would drag it up
and he would throw out allthese details.
That wouldn't make any sense.
It wasn't even about me and Idon't know if that was something
that happened in the past withhis mother, or I can't.
(19:50):
Even I can't make heads or tailsof it.
No accountability, noresponsibility, no sense of no,
no self-reflection, noself-awareness.
When it came to me now, otherpeople, you know, if you listen
to him on the phone because heworked from home on his computer
, I would hear him and I didn'tknow, even know, who that person
(20:11):
was anymore.
Um, he could problem solve, he.
He was courteous, you know, hewaited for his turn to talk,
things like that that normalpeople do.
It wasn't there in ourrelationship.
He was totally footless grip assoon as he walked off and
become this other person, it wasawful.
So what else Misogyny?
(20:35):
So he hates women because ofhis mother, and I didn't realize
that at first.
But every woman that in myposition as being, you know, his
other half or his relationshipwith, is the one that receives
all the, is the target itreceives all this horrible
behavior.
Um, it did leach into behaviorwith his daughters, I believe
(20:58):
his daughter who we have hertime she was one who would fawn,
so she would take an adult role, sort of, and make it okay for
dad.
That's what she would do.
She would be the perfectprincess and, you know, not
react, not, you know, her truepersonality wouldn't really come
out.
She was quiet, she watched himlike a hawk.
(21:20):
She would, you know, payattention to what he was doing,
so she could tap into hisfeelings, so she could
anticipate what was going tohappen.
And so I haven't really talkedmuch about, you know, his kids,
but that is something that Inoticed with his daughter.
I don't really talk too muchabout his kids, but that is
something that I noticed withhis daughter Rejection, so
(21:40):
belittling, blaming their chosentarget for problems and
mistakes.
Even if I wasn't even there, itwouldn't make a difference.
It's my fault somehowExpressing rage and then denying
his anger.
So, you know, I startedrecording things.
I have pictures, I haverecordings.
He would come up and bang onthe door and scream at me to get
(22:06):
the F out of his bathroom whileI'm trying to take a shower,
things like that.
I have a lot of these thingsrecorded.
They have lack of objectconstancy, so.
So if he decided that I'm bad,I'm bad continually, I'm just a
bad person, it wasn't a mistake,it wasn't something that I said
that I could take back, it wasall the way, it was all or
(22:27):
nothing and he also had thatwith himself.
He believed that he was a badperson as well and he fought
back and forth with that,choosing people they can use for
their benefit.
You know, I would say that allthe time I was utility to him.
I wasn't myself, I was anextension of him, I was someone
he could use, and I don't knowhow many times before I realized
(22:51):
he was a narcissist.
I would say I don't work foryou, we are partners, we're a
team.
I'm busy, I'm doing this and Idon't work for you.
He finds your value in themoment.
He will mirror you and take onyour personality traits and your
opinions.
So also in public situations, Inoticed something that I would
say he would take that on.
He would regurgitate what Isaid and I thought, oh, that's
(23:13):
interesting, and never say, ohyeah, amanda said this, I just
thought it was kind ofinteresting.
They attach and mirror versusconnect with people.
So that's what he did in thebeginning.
You know he wanted marriage, hewanted a family, he wanted a
business, all the things that Iwanted.
He mirrored me.
I was amazing, I was beautifuland that's who he was mirroring,
(23:39):
because he wanted to see that,that type of unattainable
perfection in himself.
And then once, when the anger,the rage, some of that stuff
started coming out and I startedquestioning him, then I was the
bad person for questioning hisbehavior.
Yeah, and he would have friends, like one particular friend
that he had.
He would would.
It's so weird.
He would act like him, he wouldtake on some of his personality
(24:00):
traits, he would dress like him, talk like him, react how I
think that the other personwould react.
It's really crazy.
And me, as a special ed teacher, I watch behaviors, I follow
patterns and so I would payattention, because you know,
that's how I was trained, uh, towatch children in the classroom
(24:21):
when we were looking forspecific actions or behaviors
from kids.
I noticed that in my ex-husband,so that was interesting.
He isn't honest about hisdecisions and how he impacts
other people um, not just me,his daughters.
So so there's, it doesn'tmatter.
But the only thing that mattersis the outside world and how
they see him and how he'sportrayed, because that is a
(24:43):
place where he's going to getvalidation.
They're going to tell him he'sgoing to get the attaboy you
know that he needs, because hecan't do it for himself.
He has no idea about how hischildhood wounds affected his
decision-making.
There's no reflection there,like I'm the one that told him.
Because of his horriblerelationship with his mother,
(25:03):
this affected some of the thingshe's doing now, like we did
personal development classestogether and at the beginning.
So I thought, you know, when Isaw some of these anger issues,
I thought, oh, he's working onhimself.
I know he pops off sometimesand I call it spiritual
bypassing.
So he was going around theproblem versus getting in and
(25:27):
attacking it.
So he was taking what helearned and regurgitating it and
talking about it because itsounded good or made him sound I
don't know like he wasenlightened or a guru or
something I don't know.
So you know he would say someof these things and it, but he
wasn't really connecting thedots there because if he was, he
wouldn't be treating me or hisdaughter the way that he had.
(25:50):
Back to social media, I createda version of a poem to share
what really happened and it'scalled, but he Didn't Hit Me.
There is an original version,but I just changed it up to shed
light on some of the thingsthat actually happened during my
marriage and at the beginningof all this.
(26:13):
So I was removed in October of2022.
In November, I just sat down.
I had all this nervous energybecause I was in fight or flight
.
I was stuck in this, still inthis kind of place of chaos and
getting a lawyer.
What's going on?
What happened?
Trying to understand it, I juststarted typing and it was this
(26:33):
continuous Word document and Icreated the list to typing and I
it was this continuous worddocument and I created the list.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I'm going to stop this episode here.
Make sure to tune in to parttwo with Amanda next week, as
she details examples of what sheexperienced with her abuser.
She has also created a profileon the one in three website.
Thank you for listening.
I have shared the link toAmanda's profile and the show
notes.
I will be back next week with asecond portion of my discussion
(27:02):
with Amanda.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom that's the number
1-I-N-3podcastcom.
(27:24):
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast To help me out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
(27:50):
Tim Crow.
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