January 8, 2025 • 23 mins
Antoinette Foxworthy joins me to share her courageous journey from surviving domestic violence to authoring the gripping novel "No More." What started as a simple writing class assignment evolved into a powerful narrative, delving into the precarious aftermath faced by women like Dr. Anita Stone, an orthopedic surgeon navigating life after leaving her abusive husband. Her reflections on feedback from beta readers highlight the importance of authentic representation and understanding the nuanced factors influencing victims' experiences.
We explore the psychological toll of domestic violence and the therapeutic tools that aid in healing. This episode underscores the critical risks involved in seeking legal protection, illustrating the heightened danger victims face when attempting to escape abusive relationships. Antoinette’s narrative powerfully dispels stereotypes and emphasizes that domestic violence knows no boundaries.
Tune in next week for a special reading from "No More". Let’s raise awareness and foster understanding through realistic portrayals that resonate deeply with those affected.
Amazon link to purchase "No More": https://a.co/d/cfsgEOy
Antoinette’s bio: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/antoinette-foxworthy/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening and please remember to rate, review & subscribe!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today I'd like to introduceAntoinette Foxworthy.
She's the author of the book noMore.
What I admire aboutAntoinette's experience with
domestic violence is that shetook her personal story and
continued to do research intodomestic violence.
She then wrote a fictionalstory about Dr Anita Stone, an
(00:22):
orthopedic surgeon who finds thestrength to leave her abusive
husband and what happens in thetwo weeks after she leaves.
Her hope when writing no Morewas that it would open up
awareness and conversation tothis very serious, complicated
and convoluted problem.
Here is Antoinette.
Hi Well, thank you for havingme.
(00:45):
Thank you so much for coming on.
I'm very excited about thisepisode and the next two to
follow.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Well, I thought I'd get right into it about how this
book no More got started.
It was a homework assignment.
I was in a writing class andthe teacher asked us to write
about something that changed ourlives.
It had to be three pages longand we had to read it aloud to
(01:12):
the class.
So I went home and I knew whatI wanted to write, but I didn't
want to tell my personal story.
I didn't know the otherstudents in the class.
I wasn't ready to reveal my ownsituation in the class.
I wasn't ready to reveal my ownsituation.
So I went home and I made up thetwo characters, dr Anita Stone
and her husband Daryl, and Iwrote about a situation that was
(01:33):
very similar to mine.
And I wrote about the day OJSimpson was acquitted of murder
Really important time inpeople's lives, especially if
they were in abusiverelationships.
So I wrote the three pages.
I went back to the class and wehad to read it aloud.
And I read it and I got a lotof positive feedback.
(01:57):
People were interested in thestory.
The instructor gave me a lot ofpositive feedback.
So the following week we hadanother three pages to write.
So the homework allowed me tocontinue on with the story.
So I continued with the storyand wrote three more pages.
So I went to the class, I readit aloud and again I got such
(02:19):
really positive feedback.
So I had six pages done and thefollowing week we had a
different homework assignment.
So I did my homework assignment.
But when I went to the class andI didn't read about Dr Stone
and Daryl, the students wereupset.
They wanted to know what wasgoing on.
(02:40):
And that's when I really knew Ihad captured their attention
and they wanted to hear more andI decided that that was the
book I was going to write.
I took several writing classes.
I kept writing three pages at atime and then I actually hired
the instructor and we met on aweekly basis and I continued to
(03:01):
write and write.
And then what happened is thatshe said she knew a publisher
who she thought would publishthe book.
So I contacted the publisher.
She was willing to publish thebook but she said it had to be
65,000 words.
Mine was 40,000 words, so I hadto go back and write 25,000
(03:23):
more words.
And I've been working on thisfor years and the problem with
that is that I really wanted tofocus on the first two weeks
after Dr Stone left her husband,because a woman is 70 times
more likely to be murdered inthe first two weeks after
leaving a domestic violentrelationship than any other time
(03:45):
in that relationship.
It was a staggering statisticsfor me, so I continued writing,
and writing, and writing, andthen, finally, I finished my
65,000 words.
I went back to the publisher andI said I'm done, I'm done,
let's go publish it.
And she said Well, you know,wait, wait a minute.
The first thing I want you todo is I want you to make five
(04:06):
copies of your book and I'mgoing to send it out to beta
readers.
These are readers who give youfeedback about about whether
it's readable, whether it hits anerve, whether there's
something that's missing.
So I did what she asked.
I made five copies and we sentit up to five beta readers,
(04:28):
hoping that it would all be goodand we would just publish it.
Well, what happens is you startgetting feedback from each of
those beta readers.
They have it for about two orthree weeks, depending on how
long they take, and they have abig red marking pin right
Marking it up and telling you wedon't understand this scene or
this is great and your tense iswrong here, but a lot of really
(04:48):
positive feedback.
So as I started getting thefeedback, I started making the
minor changes to the book.
But then what you realize youget different feedback from
different people.
As an example beta reader oneloved the ending.
Beta reader two thought theending was too abrupt, so I
didn't know what to do with that.
(05:08):
So it's just one person'sopinion, right, but these are
people that are trained toevaluate books.
So I started making some of thechanges and then I got the
feedback from beta reader five,beta reader five, wasader 5.
Beta Reader 5 was a man and thepublisher insisted that a man
read the book and give mefeedback and the first thing he
(05:32):
said in his evaluation is thatthe conversations did not appear
to be realistic, which threw mefor a loop because the
conversations were almostverbatim what I had with my
abuser.
So I thought, wow, he doesn'tget it.
And then he told me that noeducated woman would be in this
(05:52):
situation.
It doesn't happen to people whohave an education.
That was like a huge gut punchfor me huge.
And I just took the manuscripts, I put them on the side of my
desk and I thought I don't wantto do this no-transcript.
(06:32):
Figure out what was missing,what was missing in the book
that he didn't understand, and Imade some conclusions.
So I decided that we all havethings that mold us right, that
mold the people we are.
We all know about nature andnurture.
You know nature, that our DNAtells us our eye color and
(06:52):
whether we're prone to diseases,et cetera.
Nurture if we're nurtured by aloving, supportive family, we're
different than maybe if we'reraised by an alcoholic people
that abuse us.
So we know that there's natureand nurture.
But there was something elsemissing in the book and I
(07:14):
thought well, what else definesus, what else makes us who we
are?
And I did some research andthere are something called
defining moments or qualifyingevents in people's lives that
mold us.
They can be simple, simple asyour only child, and you're an
only child, and then eight yearslater your parents have twins
(07:35):
and so that changes the dynamicof that family situation and it
changes you.
It changes who you are.
What happens if one of the twinhas a serious illness, for
example?
It also changes you.
Maybe you're more compassionate.
These qualifying events,everybody has them.
They could be going to a newschool, you were bullied in
(07:57):
school, your parents put you ina new school and all of a sudden
you feel heard.
So that could be a qualifyingevent.
There's just so many things,but we all are molded by nature.
Nurture, qualifying events.
And then there is one other bigthing that I think that happens
especially with um, with people,and that is a catalyst?
(08:18):
Um, it was.
Who was it?
Sir Isaac Newton who wrote the?
He wrote in 1687, the laws ofmotion.
So an object at rest stays atrest and an object in motion
stays in motion unless actedupon by an external force.
That's his exact quote.
(08:39):
So I feel that's sort of thesame way with people.
We sort of go along, to goalong, to go along, but then if
something happens and changes usor pushes us or we then can
make the changes we need to make, and that's called the catalyst
.
So I believe there is nature,nurture, qualifying events, and
(09:02):
this catalyst.
So I was rummaging through allthat in my brain, thinking how
am I going to add this to thebook so that the Marvins, the
beta readers, could understand?
But I'd like to just take aminute and tell you how powerful
these catalysts are.
So this is a true story.
(09:25):
I was in the emergency room witha broken right hand and I saw
the doctor.
The doctor said he had to leaveand go consult with an
orthopedic surgeon.
So while he was gone, in walkeda police officer.
So I certainly hadn't calledthe police officer, but I
(09:45):
quickly figured out thatprobably the doctor had a
responsibility to call eventhough I hadn't told him what
happened.
He must have known.
So the police officer asked mewhat happened and I lied to him.
I didn't want to tell himbecause, unbeknownst to the
police officer, my husband wasin my car waiting in the parking
(10:07):
lot with my infant daughter,because it was my right hand
that was broken and I had astick shift car so I couldn't
drive.
And he reluctantly agreed totake me to the hospital, but he
was waiting for me.
So I didn't tell the policeofficer what happened.
And he said you know, if yourhusband did this it's a felony.
(10:31):
And I didn't know that right,how would I know that?
And this was not my first timein the emergency room?
But no one had told me thatbefore that before.
But it still wasn't enough forme to give him the true story of
what happened and what hadhappened.
(10:55):
In 1994, the Violence AgainstWomen Act made these injuries
that were inflicted by myhusband a felony now, where
before maybe they were amisdemeanor, I don't really know
.
So the police officer decidedhe couldn't do anything to help
me, so he decided to leave andas he was leaving the exam room
he turned around and he said doyou have children.
(11:15):
And I said yes.
And he said what example areyou setting for your children?
What example are you settingfor your children?
Just those words, what exampleam I setting for my children?
Was the catalyst the catalystthat I've been talking about
that gave me the strength thatsaid I need to get out.
(11:36):
I don't know how yet, but Ineed to get out for my
children's sake.
So that's a true story.
Going back to the book, rememberMarvin said it didn't happen to
educated women.
So what?
I went back and I intertwinedsome flashbacks of what happened
in Anita's life and Barbara'slife and Daryl's life.
(11:58):
That maybe helped mold them tothe people they are, because we
all have different learningexperiences.
And then I felt that I hadsomething.
I felt that even though onebeta reader said they didn't
like the ending and the otherone said it was they loved the
ending, I finally had to tell mystory and I finished the book,
(12:19):
went to the publisher and shesaid, yes, she would publish the
story.
My hope is that with addingthese qualifying events and
catalysts, that the Marvins ofthe world would better
understand what happens in anabusive relationship.
So maybe he could understandand maybe, just maybe, somebody
(12:43):
who read no More.
That might be their catalyst tofinally figure out that they
needed to get out.
I finished the book.
I then, when I had put the bookon the side, I told you I had a
bunch of cheerleaders who knewmy story and kept asking me to
write it.
Please keep writing, pleasekeep writing.
(13:03):
And one of my best friends ismy cheerleader, the person I
called when I wanted to throwthe manuscripts in the garbage,
and she's an award-winning poet.
And I said can you write a poemfor my book?
And she did.
And I would like to read itbecause it's so significant and
(13:24):
it says what I needed to say,but in so few words.
So I'd like to read it.
It was written by my friendMarilyn Dumanil and it's called
Hidden Fire.
Each morning, upon waking,anguish, waking with me,
unshakable through the day,sharing my bed each night, my
(13:48):
pillow wet with tears.
Months grow into years, whileparalyzed was I by painful words
, stabbing, loss, absence, agaping hole.
One day, bolstered by astranger's words, reminded I've
a well of strength within Powerto move.
(14:09):
Move, though, dragging a weightof great magnitude.
Move I must.
Just a first step required,honoring the person I am.
I move, trusting my innerstrength, though petrified in
the process.
With slippery palms poundingheart, throat dry, whole body
(14:30):
trembles.
Difficult to speak the wordsthat must be said out loud.
Relief arrived as realizationdawned.
I'm on my journey, bound forthe finish.
No longer helpless but honoringfearlessly, I make the next
step Now, knowing each stepbuilds on confidence born of the
(14:54):
first.
As lava churns beneath volcaniccraters then explodes in fiery
spectacle, within each of us,spectacular strength awaits,
burning to be tapped.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I love that poem.
When I went to start readingyour book and I opened it to
that page.
It hit at such a perfect timefor me with things that I have
going on in my life, and when Iread that I was like, oh, I am
so excited to dive into thisbook, Thank you that.
She really did nail every partof what you go through.
(15:31):
I wanted to mention, when youwere giving the backgrounds of
the characters, what I reallyliked about it is there was a
similarity to the threeindividuals and their
backgrounds not identicalbackgrounds, but a similarity
and I think that was soimportant because it doesn't
give an excuse as to why youknow the abuser turned out the
(15:54):
way he did.
Because, well, he had thisbackground, because you have
these other two characters whohave similar things happen, and
so I think that is reallyimportant to understand that
just because you have a badbackground doesn't give you this
reason that you get to be a badperson.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Thank you.
Thank you, that was on purposetoo, so I'm glad you got it.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Yeah, yeah, I was like, wow, this is really cool
because they end up dealing withtheir traumas completely
different and growing intocompletely different people.
And the other thing I wanted tomention is when you were saying
the catalyst, it kind of pushesyou into a different pathway.
I think that is somethingthat's really interesting too,
(16:40):
because with therapy you have Idon't know if you've heard of
EMDR, but it's where they try tore it's like your brain diverts
itself and it changes this pathbecause you've had this
traumatic experience and so thennow you're going on living your
life and then you have thesetriggers and you're not really
understanding why something istriggering you in a way, because
(17:02):
your brain has created thisbypass to not really deal with
it.
And EMDR is a way to sort oftry to reconnect some of those
pathways.
So I thought that was reallyinteresting too, how you were
mentioning getting pushed offyour path.
Thank you really going to do,and I know that is a big concern
(17:42):
and I think that is alegitimate concern for a lot of
victims as to.
Well, I get this restrainingorder, then what?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Right, right.
And sometimes what I've read isit just irritates them so much
more that you're in more danger.
So it's a fine balance and Ithink every person has to figure
out what's best and what'sright for them, because what
might really piss somebody offand then you're in more danger.
(18:10):
You don't want to do that.
I even said to the policeofficer well, sure, you could
arrest him, but what happenswhen he gets out of custody?
That's when it's going to bescary.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Yes, and I actually I just did an episode where and
this is not normal, but anepisode where the wife had
called in a domestic violencecomplaint against her husband he
was arrested and he was alreadyout on bond for something else
and she thought she had sometime, that he wouldn't get
released right away.
(18:41):
But he did.
He got released right away andit unfortunately ended up in her
death.
So there are I know it'shorrifying and there are those
true stories.
And that's not to say thatpeople should stay in their
abusive relationships but knowwhat kind of a situation you're
(19:02):
in and what is the safest routeand safest path to take.
It's very important peopleshould stay in their abusive
relationships but know what kindof a situation you're in and
what is the safest route andsafest path to take.
It's very important and I lovehow you throw that statistic in
there too, about the mostdangerous time of the
relationship is when you'releaving and when you've left.
And I didn't realize thatactual statistic.
That's an insane statistic.
That's an insane statistic.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
It's insane, yeah, and it's very, very scary.
And we that are in domesticviolence relationships we know
it's a scary time, but I didn'trealize that it's the most scary
time 70 times more likely to bemurdered in those two weeks
than any other time in therelationship.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
And it's murdered.
It's not just not attacked,it's murdered, yeah, yeah, and
that's and that I do try tostress as often as I can is, if
you were planning to leave, doit discreetly.
So I also want to ask.
So no more is out and it'spublished, and and it has been
yes, but if someone were to wantto get the book.
(20:05):
Where can they get?
So no More is out and it'spublished and it has been.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
But if someone were to want to get the book, where
can they get it?
They can get it on Amazon orthey can contact me directly and
I would be happy to send theman autographed copy if that's
what they want.
But you can get it on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
I wanted to bring up a few points I thought of as I
was editing this episode.
I know Antoinette and I werediscussing a fictional book, but
one thing that stood out to mein this conversation was how the
male beta reader, marvin, feltthe story was unbelievable
because an educated woman wouldnever find herself in that
situation.
Well, I consider myself to bean educated woman and I am a
(20:40):
domestic violence survivor.
I have met and spoken with manyother educated women who are
survivors as well Men too.
I would like to clarify thatI'm using the term educated
flippantly.
As we all know, education comesin many forms, but it appears
Marvin was perhaps using thedegree of formal education to
(21:01):
equate intelligence.
Anyway, I realize society hascome a long way over the last
few years and this may not be ascommon of a belief now, but
this statement is a reminder ofwhat misconceptions and
judgments there are still outthere regarding domestic
violence, victims and survivors.
I mention this all the time,but domestic violence has no
boundaries.
I mention this all the time,but domestic violence has no
(21:23):
boundaries.
Any person, regardless ofgender, socioeconomic status,
level of formal education etc.
Can be a victim.
Marvin also had the commentregarding the conversations in
the book and how they didn'tseem realistic.
(21:44):
I kind of can understand thisone.
After all, how many of usquestioned our reality when we
were living the nightmare?
How many of us look back on ourexperience and find it hard to
fathom those things wereactually said or done?
It's hard to believe, becausehumans should not treat other
humans that way.
This all boils down to exactlywhat one of Antoinette's goals
(22:05):
was.
In writing.
No More.
We need to speak up, talk aboutour domestic violence realities
more and make sure our voicescontinue to be heard.
I would like to thank Antoinettefor taking the time to join me
today and thank you forlistening.
The links to Antoinette's bioand how to buy her book are
(22:27):
found in the show notes.
I will be back next week withAntoinette as she reads some of
her book.
No More Until then.
Stay strong and wherever youare in your journey, always
remember you are not alone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
(22:49):
going to the websiteonein3podcastcom.
That's the number one I-N thenumber three podcastcom.
Follow One in Three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at One in Three Podcast To helpme out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
(23:11):
Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today I'd like to introduceAntoinette Foxworthy.
She's the author of the book noMore.
What I admire aboutAntoinette's experience with
domestic violence is that shetook her personal story and
continued to do research intodomestic violence.
She then wrote a fictionalstory about Dr Anita Stone, an
(00:22):
orthopedic surgeon who finds thestrength to leave her abusive
husband and what happens in thetwo weeks after she leaves.
Her hope when writing no Morewas that it would open up
awareness and conversation tothis very serious, complicated
and convoluted problem.
Here is Antoinette.
Hi Well, thank you for havingme.
(00:45):
Thank you so much for coming on.
I'm very excited about thisepisode and the next two to
follow.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Well, I thought I'd get right into it about how this
book no More got started.
It was a homework assignment.
I was in a writing class andthe teacher asked us to write
about something that changed ourlives.
It had to be three pages longand we had to read it aloud to
(01:12):
the class.
So I went home and I knew whatI wanted to write, but I didn't
want to tell my personal story.
I didn't know the otherstudents in the class.
I wasn't ready to reveal my ownsituation in the class.
I wasn't ready to reveal my ownsituation.
So I went home and I made up thetwo characters, dr Anita Stone
and her husband Daryl, and Iwrote about a situation that was
(01:33):
very similar to mine.
And I wrote about the day OJSimpson was acquitted of murder
Really important time inpeople's lives, especially if
they were in abusiverelationships.
So I wrote the three pages.
I went back to the class and wehad to read it aloud.
And I read it and I got a lotof positive feedback.
(01:57):
People were interested in thestory.
The instructor gave me a lot ofpositive feedback.
So the following week we hadanother three pages to write.
So the homework allowed me tocontinue on with the story.
So I continued with the storyand wrote three more pages.
So I went to the class, I readit aloud and again I got such
(02:19):
really positive feedback.
So I had six pages done and thefollowing week we had a
different homework assignment.
So I did my homework assignment.
But when I went to the class andI didn't read about Dr Stone
and Daryl, the students wereupset.
They wanted to know what wasgoing on.
(02:40):
And that's when I really knew Ihad captured their attention
and they wanted to hear more andI decided that that was the
book I was going to write.
I took several writing classes.
I kept writing three pages at atime and then I actually hired
the instructor and we met on aweekly basis and I continued to
(03:01):
write and write.
And then what happened is thatshe said she knew a publisher
who she thought would publishthe book.
So I contacted the publisher.
She was willing to publish thebook but she said it had to be
65,000 words.
Mine was 40,000 words, so I hadto go back and write 25,000
(03:23):
more words.
And I've been working on thisfor years and the problem with
that is that I really wanted tofocus on the first two weeks
after Dr Stone left her husband,because a woman is 70 times
more likely to be murdered inthe first two weeks after
leaving a domestic violentrelationship than any other time
(03:45):
in that relationship.
It was a staggering statisticsfor me, so I continued writing,
and writing, and writing, andthen, finally, I finished my
65,000 words.
I went back to the publisher andI said I'm done, I'm done,
let's go publish it.
And she said Well, you know,wait, wait a minute.
The first thing I want you todo is I want you to make five
(04:06):
copies of your book and I'mgoing to send it out to beta
readers.
These are readers who give youfeedback about about whether
it's readable, whether it hits anerve, whether there's
something that's missing.
So I did what she asked.
I made five copies and we sentit up to five beta readers,
(04:28):
hoping that it would all be goodand we would just publish it.
Well, what happens is you startgetting feedback from each of
those beta readers.
They have it for about two orthree weeks, depending on how
long they take, and they have abig red marking pin right
Marking it up and telling you wedon't understand this scene or
this is great and your tense iswrong here, but a lot of really
(04:48):
positive feedback.
So as I started getting thefeedback, I started making the
minor changes to the book.
But then what you realize youget different feedback from
different people.
As an example beta reader oneloved the ending.
Beta reader two thought theending was too abrupt, so I
didn't know what to do with that.
(05:08):
So it's just one person'sopinion, right, but these are
people that are trained toevaluate books.
So I started making some of thechanges and then I got the
feedback from beta reader five,beta reader five, wasader 5.
Beta Reader 5 was a man and thepublisher insisted that a man
read the book and give mefeedback and the first thing he
(05:32):
said in his evaluation is thatthe conversations did not appear
to be realistic, which threw mefor a loop because the
conversations were almostverbatim what I had with my
abuser.
So I thought, wow, he doesn'tget it.
And then he told me that noeducated woman would be in this
(05:52):
situation.
It doesn't happen to people whohave an education.
That was like a huge gut punchfor me huge.
And I just took the manuscripts, I put them on the side of my
desk and I thought I don't wantto do this no-transcript.
(06:32):
Figure out what was missing,what was missing in the book
that he didn't understand, and Imade some conclusions.
So I decided that we all havethings that mold us right, that
mold the people we are.
We all know about nature andnurture.
You know nature, that our DNAtells us our eye color and
(06:52):
whether we're prone to diseases,et cetera.
Nurture if we're nurtured by aloving, supportive family, we're
different than maybe if we'reraised by an alcoholic people
that abuse us.
So we know that there's natureand nurture.
But there was something elsemissing in the book and I
(07:14):
thought well, what else definesus, what else makes us who we
are?
And I did some research andthere are something called
defining moments or qualifyingevents in people's lives that
mold us.
They can be simple, simple asyour only child, and you're an
only child, and then eight yearslater your parents have twins
(07:35):
and so that changes the dynamicof that family situation and it
changes you.
It changes who you are.
What happens if one of the twinhas a serious illness, for
example?
It also changes you.
Maybe you're more compassionate.
These qualifying events,everybody has them.
They could be going to a newschool, you were bullied in
(07:57):
school, your parents put you ina new school and all of a sudden
you feel heard.
So that could be a qualifyingevent.
There's just so many things,but we all are molded by nature.
Nurture, qualifying events.
And then there is one other bigthing that I think that happens
especially with um, with people,and that is a catalyst?
(08:18):
Um, it was.
Who was it?
Sir Isaac Newton who wrote the?
He wrote in 1687, the laws ofmotion.
So an object at rest stays atrest and an object in motion
stays in motion unless actedupon by an external force.
That's his exact quote.
(08:39):
So I feel that's sort of thesame way with people.
We sort of go along, to goalong, to go along, but then if
something happens and changes usor pushes us or we then can
make the changes we need to make, and that's called the catalyst
.
So I believe there is nature,nurture, qualifying events, and
(09:02):
this catalyst.
So I was rummaging through allthat in my brain, thinking how
am I going to add this to thebook so that the Marvins, the
beta readers, could understand?
But I'd like to just take aminute and tell you how powerful
these catalysts are.
So this is a true story.
(09:25):
I was in the emergency room witha broken right hand and I saw
the doctor.
The doctor said he had to leaveand go consult with an
orthopedic surgeon.
So while he was gone, in walkeda police officer.
So I certainly hadn't calledthe police officer, but I
(09:45):
quickly figured out thatprobably the doctor had a
responsibility to call eventhough I hadn't told him what
happened.
He must have known.
So the police officer asked mewhat happened and I lied to him.
I didn't want to tell himbecause, unbeknownst to the
police officer, my husband wasin my car waiting in the parking
(10:07):
lot with my infant daughter,because it was my right hand
that was broken and I had astick shift car so I couldn't
drive.
And he reluctantly agreed totake me to the hospital, but he
was waiting for me.
So I didn't tell the policeofficer what happened.
And he said you know, if yourhusband did this it's a felony.
(10:31):
And I didn't know that right,how would I know that?
And this was not my first timein the emergency room?
But no one had told me thatbefore that before.
But it still wasn't enough forme to give him the true story of
what happened and what hadhappened.
(10:55):
In 1994, the Violence AgainstWomen Act made these injuries
that were inflicted by myhusband a felony now, where
before maybe they were amisdemeanor, I don't really know
.
So the police officer decidedhe couldn't do anything to help
me, so he decided to leave andas he was leaving the exam room
he turned around and he said doyou have children.
(11:15):
And I said yes.
And he said what example areyou setting for your children?
What example are you settingfor your children?
Just those words, what exampleam I setting for my children?
Was the catalyst the catalystthat I've been talking about
that gave me the strength thatsaid I need to get out.
(11:36):
I don't know how yet, but Ineed to get out for my
children's sake.
So that's a true story.
Going back to the book, rememberMarvin said it didn't happen to
educated women.
So what?
I went back and I intertwinedsome flashbacks of what happened
in Anita's life and Barbara'slife and Daryl's life.
(11:58):
That maybe helped mold them tothe people they are, because we
all have different learningexperiences.
And then I felt that I hadsomething.
I felt that even though onebeta reader said they didn't
like the ending and the otherone said it was they loved the
ending, I finally had to tell mystory and I finished the book,
(12:19):
went to the publisher and shesaid, yes, she would publish the
story.
My hope is that with addingthese qualifying events and
catalysts, that the Marvins ofthe world would better
understand what happens in anabusive relationship.
So maybe he could understandand maybe, just maybe, somebody
(12:43):
who read no More.
That might be their catalyst tofinally figure out that they
needed to get out.
I finished the book.
I then, when I had put the bookon the side, I told you I had a
bunch of cheerleaders who knewmy story and kept asking me to
write it.
Please keep writing, pleasekeep writing.
(13:03):
And one of my best friends ismy cheerleader, the person I
called when I wanted to throwthe manuscripts in the garbage,
and she's an award-winning poet.
And I said can you write a poemfor my book?
And she did.
And I would like to read itbecause it's so significant and
(13:24):
it says what I needed to say,but in so few words.
So I'd like to read it.
It was written by my friendMarilyn Dumanil and it's called
Hidden Fire.
Each morning, upon waking,anguish, waking with me,
unshakable through the day,sharing my bed each night, my
(13:48):
pillow wet with tears.
Months grow into years, whileparalyzed was I by painful words
, stabbing, loss, absence, agaping hole.
One day, bolstered by astranger's words, reminded I've
a well of strength within Powerto move.
(14:09):
Move, though, dragging a weightof great magnitude.
Move I must.
Just a first step required,honoring the person I am.
I move, trusting my innerstrength, though petrified in
the process.
With slippery palms poundingheart, throat dry, whole body
(14:30):
trembles.
Difficult to speak the wordsthat must be said out loud.
Relief arrived as realizationdawned.
I'm on my journey, bound forthe finish.
No longer helpless but honoringfearlessly, I make the next
step Now, knowing each stepbuilds on confidence born of the
(14:54):
first.
As lava churns beneath volcaniccraters then explodes in fiery
spectacle, within each of us,spectacular strength awaits,
burning to be tapped.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I love that poem.
When I went to start readingyour book and I opened it to
that page.
It hit at such a perfect timefor me with things that I have
going on in my life, and when Iread that I was like, oh, I am
so excited to dive into thisbook, Thank you that.
She really did nail every partof what you go through.
(15:31):
I wanted to mention, when youwere giving the backgrounds of
the characters, what I reallyliked about it is there was a
similarity to the threeindividuals and their
backgrounds not identicalbackgrounds, but a similarity
and I think that was soimportant because it doesn't
give an excuse as to why youknow the abuser turned out the
(15:54):
way he did.
Because, well, he had thisbackground, because you have
these other two characters whohave similar things happen, and
so I think that is reallyimportant to understand that
just because you have a badbackground doesn't give you this
reason that you get to be a badperson.
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Thank you.
Thank you, that was on purposetoo, so I'm glad you got it.
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Yeah, yeah, I was like, wow, this is really cool
because they end up dealing withtheir traumas completely
different and growing intocompletely different people.
And the other thing I wanted tomention is when you were saying
the catalyst, it kind of pushesyou into a different pathway.
I think that is somethingthat's really interesting too,
(16:40):
because with therapy you have Idon't know if you've heard of
EMDR, but it's where they try tore it's like your brain diverts
itself and it changes this pathbecause you've had this
traumatic experience and so thennow you're going on living your
life and then you have thesetriggers and you're not really
understanding why something istriggering you in a way, because
(17:02):
your brain has created thisbypass to not really deal with
it.
And EMDR is a way to sort oftry to reconnect some of those
pathways.
So I thought that was reallyinteresting too, how you were
mentioning getting pushed offyour path.
Thank you really going to do,and I know that is a big concern
(17:42):
and I think that is alegitimate concern for a lot of
victims as to.
Well, I get this restrainingorder, then what?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Right, right.
And sometimes what I've read isit just irritates them so much
more that you're in more danger.
So it's a fine balance and Ithink every person has to figure
out what's best and what'sright for them, because what
might really piss somebody offand then you're in more danger.
(18:10):
You don't want to do that.
I even said to the policeofficer well, sure, you could
arrest him, but what happenswhen he gets out of custody?
That's when it's going to bescary.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Yes, and I actually I just did an episode where and
this is not normal, but anepisode where the wife had
called in a domestic violencecomplaint against her husband he
was arrested and he was alreadyout on bond for something else
and she thought she had sometime, that he wouldn't get
released right away.
(18:41):
But he did.
He got released right away andit unfortunately ended up in her
death.
So there are I know it'shorrifying and there are those
true stories.
And that's not to say thatpeople should stay in their
abusive relationships but knowwhat kind of a situation you're
(19:02):
in and what is the safest routeand safest path to take.
It's very important peopleshould stay in their abusive
relationships but know what kindof a situation you're in and
what is the safest route andsafest path to take.
It's very important and I lovehow you throw that statistic in
there too, about the mostdangerous time of the
relationship is when you'releaving and when you've left.
And I didn't realize thatactual statistic.
That's an insane statistic.
That's an insane statistic.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
It's insane, yeah, and it's very, very scary.
And we that are in domesticviolence relationships we know
it's a scary time, but I didn'trealize that it's the most scary
time 70 times more likely to bemurdered in those two weeks
than any other time in therelationship.
Speaker 1 (19:44):
And it's murdered.
It's not just not attacked,it's murdered, yeah, yeah, and
that's and that I do try tostress as often as I can is, if
you were planning to leave, doit discreetly.
So I also want to ask.
So no more is out and it'spublished, and and it has been
yes, but if someone were to wantto get the book.
(20:05):
Where can they get?
So no More is out and it'spublished and it has been.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
But if someone were to want to get the book, where
can they get it?
They can get it on Amazon orthey can contact me directly and
I would be happy to send theman autographed copy if that's
what they want.
But you can get it on Amazon.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
I wanted to bring up a few points I thought of as I
was editing this episode.
I know Antoinette and I werediscussing a fictional book, but
one thing that stood out to mein this conversation was how the
male beta reader, marvin, feltthe story was unbelievable
because an educated woman wouldnever find herself in that
situation.
Well, I consider myself to bean educated woman and I am a
(20:40):
domestic violence survivor.
I have met and spoken with manyother educated women who are
survivors as well Men too.
I would like to clarify thatI'm using the term educated
flippantly.
As we all know, education comesin many forms, but it appears
Marvin was perhaps using thedegree of formal education to
(21:01):
equate intelligence.
Anyway, I realize society hascome a long way over the last
few years and this may not be ascommon of a belief now, but
this statement is a reminder ofwhat misconceptions and
judgments there are still outthere regarding domestic
violence, victims and survivors.
I mention this all the time,but domestic violence has no
boundaries.
I mention this all the time,but domestic violence has no
(21:23):
boundaries.
Any person, regardless ofgender, socioeconomic status,
level of formal education etc.
Can be a victim.
Marvin also had the commentregarding the conversations in
the book and how they didn'tseem realistic.
(21:44):
I kind of can understand thisone.
After all, how many of usquestioned our reality when we
were living the nightmare?
How many of us look back on ourexperience and find it hard to
fathom those things wereactually said or done?
It's hard to believe, becausehumans should not treat other
humans that way.
This all boils down to exactlywhat one of Antoinette's goals
(22:05):
was.
In writing.
No More.
We need to speak up, talk aboutour domestic violence realities
more and make sure our voicescontinue to be heard.
I would like to thank Antoinettefor taking the time to join me
today and thank you forlistening.
The links to Antoinette's bioand how to buy her book are
(22:27):
found in the show notes.
I will be back next week withAntoinette as she reads some of
her book.
No More Until then.
Stay strong and wherever youare in your journey, always
remember you are not alone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
(22:49):
going to the websiteonein3podcastcom.
That's the number one I-N thenumber three podcastcom.
Follow One in Three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at One in Three Podcast To helpme out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
(23:11):
Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
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