January 15, 2025 • 34 mins
Antoinette Foxworthy returns to 1 in 3 to share poignant excerpts from her book "No More," a powerful narrative that tackles the challenges of domestic violence. The intricate story of Dr. Anita Stone, set against the backdrop of the O.J. Simpson verdict, reveals the complex realities faced by intelligent, professional women trapped in abusive relationships. Antoinette’s reading not only highlights these struggles but also sheds light on the broader implications for victims of domestic abuse, prompting a reflection on societal divides and the emotional weight carried by so many.
This episode unfolds a tapestry of emotional landscapes, interwoven with a Zen story that teaches the art of letting go of past burdens. We delve into the transformative impact of Antoinette's book, which has empowered many women to share their stories of abuse for the first time. Our conversation highlights the myriad challenges and dangers victims encounter when attempting to leave abusive relationships, debunking common misconceptions about why leaving isn't as simple as it seems. Together, we explore the psychological and physical barriers that hinder escape and emphasize the critical importance of support and understanding.
In our heartfelt discussion, we underscore the necessity of standing by victims with unwavering compassion and patience, even when the journey is arduous. Antoinette offers valuable insights and resources, assuring those in need that they are not alone. We reflect on the roles of supportive advocates in the lives of victims, share stories of courage, and stress the importance of continuous support from family and friends.
Sources:
https://www.bwss.org/eighteen-months-after-leaving-domestic-violence-is-still-the-most-dangerous-time/
https://domesticviolencehomicidehelp.com/statistics/
https://stacks.cdc.gov/view/cdc/6543/cdc_6543_DS1.pdf?
Amazon link to purchase "No More": https://a.co/d/cfsgEOy
Antoinette’s bio: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/antoinette-foxworthy/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
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Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Last week we had theopportunity to listen as
Antoinette Foxworthy discussedwhat led to writing her book no
More.
Today, she graciously readsexcerpts of no More and offers
insight into the significance ofsome of the details she
included in her writing.
(00:20):
Here is Antoinette.
Well, antoinette, welcome back.
(00:41):
I'm very excited for this nextepisode.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Thank you.
Thank you.
We talked in the first podcastabout how and why I wrote no
More, and I'd like to read thefirst few pages of the book.
Remember, this book got startedwith the homework assignment,
so I had to write a homeworkassignment and that's how the
first six pages got written.
So I'd like to readspecifically from the book so
(01:04):
the audience can see what thebook's about.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
That would be great.
And quick question did youchange those from the original
pages that you wrote for yourclass, or are those the actual?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
They're pretty close.
They're pretty close to what Iwrote for homework.
I got a good grade.
Yes, well, obviously.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
I got a good grade, yes.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Well, obviously Okay, no more by Antoinette Foxworthy
.
Her knees buckled as shecollapsed in the chair.
Her lungs seemed to be vacuumedof all air as the verdict was
read.
We, the jury, find thedefendant Orenthal, jane Simpson
, not guilty in the crime ofmurder.
How could this be?
(01:45):
This is not right.
No, no.
Dr Anita Stone wholeheartedlybelieved OJ Simpson, bludgeoned
Nicole Brown Simpson and RonaldGoldman to death.
She maintained her composureeven though bile rumbled in her
gut.
She was in the break room ather office along with seven of
her employees, all transfixed onthe television.
(02:07):
There was an audible gasp asthe verdict was read.
Her staff, all seated instraight back birch chairs
around the rectangular lunchtable, collectively stiffened
and bent their heads down.
Clearly Anita wasn't the onlyone shocked.
She hadn't engaged in directconversations with her employees
(02:28):
about the trial, but she hadoverheard them discussing how
they felt the country wasdivided along race lines in
their opinion of OJ's guilt orinnocence.
Anita had one Black woman onher staff and she suspected that
staff member thought OJ wasinnocent.
The rest of her staff thoughthe was probably guilty.
(02:49):
They all knew OJ was anAmerican hero, a football legend
and a Black man at a time whenBlacks were believed to be
getting a raw deal by the police.
Had the prosecution done theirjob, presenting enough evidence
to convict OJ beyond areasonable doubt?
Clearly this jury didn't thinkso, but Anita was convinced that
(03:12):
OJ was a murderer, even thoughthe prosecution didn't prove it.
To Anita the judicial systemhad failed, failed Nicole Brown,
simpson, ronald Goldman, theirfamilies and all those suffering
from domestic abuse.
The light beige room became dark.
The walls distorted, wavy, asif they were collapsing.
(03:34):
The air became still stale andfoul.
It was like a vice grippedAnita's chest, but she forced
air into her constricted lungsonce.
Twice she closed her eyes,circled her head, trying to
relieve the tension in her neckand shoulders.
Then she took another breathand slowly opened her eyes.
She knew all too well how tosquash her emotions, bury them
(03:58):
deep in the earth and continueon.
It was an all too commonpractice.
Now she turned toward thehallway, praying.
Her secret was not revealed onher face or in her mannerisms.
She walked out of the breakroom to see her next patient,
knowing that underneath herdesigner long sleeve silk blouse
(04:18):
and white lab coat, she hidbruises, bruises on her upper
arms inflicted by her husbandDaryl.
Slowly making her way down thehallway she stopped at one of
her favorite pictures.
It was taken by her businesspartner, dr Thomas Kirkland, on
his recent trip to Maui.
Sunlit clouds mirrored on thecalm surface of the Pacific
(04:41):
Ocean.
Taking in the imaginary freshtropical air of the ocean, she
pulled it down into her lungs.
She relaxed her shoulders, buther neck remained tight and
stiff.
How had she gotten herself intothis mess?
How had she not seen the signs?
She had never met a person sofull of contradictions before.
(05:02):
Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, shehad seen the results of
physical violence in herorthopedic practice and had said
and pinned fractures fromabusive relationships.
She even studied battered wifesyndrome in medical school as
part of her mandatory classes.
But she didn't fully graspuntil recently how or why women
grasp until recently, how or whywomen, particularly intelligent
(05:26):
, professional women withcareers, not just impoverished
ones didn't just leave theirabusers.
Now she understood it all toowell.
She was one of them.
She learned.
It's not about money or lack ofit.
It's not about getting out ofan abusive relationship.
It's about getting out and notlooking over your shoulder.
(05:48):
Getting out without being tooscared, walking to your car
after work in the dark.
Getting out and not fearing foryour safety or the safety of
those you love.
Getting out wasn't easy.
Anita had married Daryl on therebound months after her first
marriage dissolved.
He looked good on his resume,an MBA from UC Berkeley, a
(06:09):
member of the Chamber ofCommerce, a successful
businessman, who happened to beruggedly handsome too.
His wavy mane of caramelcolored hair was just long and
unruly enough to look sexy.
It projected both a naughty guyand eye cleanup well one.
He stood six feet two inches,tall and proud.
His mustache was neatly trimmed, his jaw chiseled and strong.
(06:32):
A Tom Selleck twin.
He wooed her off her feet,promising unconditional love.
On this day, october 3, 1995,after her last patient, anita
hurried to her car, careful notto seem rushed.
She pulled out of the parkinglot and drove around the corner
and opened the door, thinkingwhat the OJ Simpson verdict of
(06:56):
not guilty meant to batteredwomen everywhere.
She vomited the contents of herstomach and bile into the
street, the contents of herstomach and bile into the street
.
When she was certain theheating had stopped, she shut
the door, sipped stale waterfrom the water bottle in her car
, wiped her mouth with thetissue, sat up straight and
headed home.
Her stomach felt as if a rollerderby was happening inside her,
(07:18):
complete with the elbows andthe ribs and the racing to catch
up to an opponent, only to keepgoing around and around in
circles.
Her saving grace tonight wasthat Daryl was out of town on
business and she did not have toface him.
She didn't have to face anyoneexcept the mirror.
She slipped into her pajamas at7.30, made a cup of herbal tea
(07:41):
and sat in front of thetelevision, mesmerized by the
coverage of the OJ Simpson trial.
With bleary eyes she watchedover and over his reaction to
the not guilty verdict.
There was a smirk on his face.
She saw it.
How dare he?
She was feeling trapped andembarrassed and, after today's
verdict, very, very alone andafraid.
(08:03):
She couldn't believe she hadgotten into this mess.
She wanted to get out, get offof this roller coaster of ups
and downs, but how?
The plan she made with thecounselor didn't seem right.
Instead she wanted to discusstheir situation again with Daryl
, hoping he would understand.
She didn't just want to leaveone day.
She felt like a complete loser.
(08:24):
Just want to leave one day?
She felt like a complete loser.
How could she get out with herdignity intact?
Who could help her.
She told everyone how perfectDaryl was for her.
She'd lied for so long toeveryone, including herself.
That was the first six pages ofmy homework assignment.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can see why they made you keep writing.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
The book, though, is not just.
The book offers somesuggestions or some help as well
in the characters, and one ofthe things I realized with my
own personal situation is howimportant it is to have people
around you that love you andsupport you and believe you,
(09:10):
even though sometimes you don'ttell them.
I didn't tell anyone for a long, long period of time, but I
want to read one example in thebook that I wrote about a very
valuable lesson, and I thinkmaybe others can relate to it.
Anita Stone's best friend isBarbara, who happens to be the
wife of her partner, dr ThomasKirkland.
(09:32):
As they sat on the sofa,staring through the sliding
glass door into the blue, anitafelt tiny tears trickle down her
cheeks.
She turned to Barbara andquietly said I think I've always
had trouble with letting go ofthings, letting what go?
Oh, I still have rumblings deepin my gut about my dad, about
(09:53):
how he just left and basicallyabandoned us.
It weighs on me like an irksomehangnail that is always there.
Barbara grinned.
Letting go is an age-oldproblem.
We've all had to deal with it,but some of us are better at it.
She rubbed the back of her neck.
My mom told me a Zen story thatseemed to help me.
(10:16):
I had dad issues too.
Anita leaned over to the endtable and took out a tissue,
gently wiping her tears from hercheeks.
Tell it to me, barbara, maybeit will help me too.
Sure, barbara uncrossed herlegs and gently closed her eyes,
allowing the total darkness tomore keenly focus her memory.
(10:39):
After a moment she flutteredher eyes open and said here's
how I remember it, dear wiseBarbara.
Nita said as she turned herbody toward her friend.
I'm ready to listen andhopefully learn In an even soft
tone Barbara started.
The story is about two monks.
One is old and one is muchyounger.
(11:01):
They are traveling together ona long journey on foot.
Due to the heavy rains, thereare deep puddles they have to
cross.
They reach a young womandressed in her silken robes,
looking very cross and impatient.
They reach a young womandressed in her silken robes,
looking very cross and impatient, standing near a large puddle.
She is reprimanding herattendants whose hands are full
of packages.
(11:23):
The younger monk notices thewoman.
He says nothing and walks by.
But the older monk picks her up.
He carries her across the waterand puts her down.
She doesn't say anything oracknowledge him in any way.
Anita's tears had stoppedflowing, barbara took a deep
breath and continued.
(11:43):
The two monks continue on theirway in silence.
After several hours of quiet,the younger monk says that woman
back there was so selfish andrude but you picked her up and
carried her.
She didn't even say thank you.
The older monk slowed his pace.
He turns and replies I set thewoman down hours ago on the side
(12:06):
of the road.
Why are you still carrying her?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I love that story.
I read it and I wanted.
I was like I need to rememberthis story.
It's so incredibly powerful.
It is a powerful story.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
So I wanted also to talk to you about what happened
after the book was published.
So when the book was publishedI thought I was going on a tour
to promote the book.
So I started small at bookclubs where the people at the
book club had read the book andwe talked about my writing and
(12:38):
the book.
But soon I realized what theyreally wanted to talk about was
domestic violence.
They wanted to hear more, theywanted to tell me their personal
stories.
It just developed, it morphedinto something much more than I
had ever imagined and whathappened is women started coming
(13:00):
up to me mostly women startedcoming up to me and telling me
their own personal situation.
And this is sometimes the veryfirst time they admitted that
they were being abused.
And there's a very powerfulsaying that says you can't
change what you don'tacknowledge.
And these women wereacknowledging it for the first
(13:20):
time, sometimes with me.
Now let me just tell you thatjust because they acknowledged
it doesn't mean they're gettingout, doesn't mean they know how
to get out, because thestatistics also say that a woman
leaves her abuser seven timesbefore she leaves for good.
That was hard for me tounderstand, but what happens is
(13:42):
this abuser just whittles andwhittles away at their ego until
they don't feel that they'restrong enough and their ego's in
the tank or the toilet.
So they don't know what to do.
They're not ready to make aplan yet.
So that happened a lot of times.
They say there are stages ofleaving that I read about.
(14:03):
One is finally not caring aboutthe abuser and then
disconnecting a bit from therelationship.
So that happens.
And then the person beingabused finally starts noticing
the effects of the abuse andwe're not talking about just
because there's a broken arm orsomething.
They start really understandingthe effects and they start
(14:25):
making preparations to leave.
But then what happens is they goback to the relationship
because oftentimes they're inlove with this person, they
think they're going to change.
They think the abuser tellsthem they're in love with this
person.
They think they're going tochange.
They think the abuser tellsthem they're sorry.
So they go back and forth andback and forth until finally
they leave.
So some of the questions I gota lot about leaving.
(14:48):
Why doesn't someone just leave?
Well, remember they're 70 timesmore likely to be murdered in
the first two weeks afterleaving.
And how about another statisticthe presence of a gun in a
domestic violence situationincreases the risk of homicide
by 500%.
(15:08):
That's scary.
Why don't they just leave?
Of course it's hard.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Right, I knew that one.
I didn't know the first one,but I knew that 500% which, when
I first learned that, blew meaway.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Yeah, it's really scary.
It's a really difficult time.
I talk about a lot about women,but men also get abused.
I just have more, moreexperience with the women that I
talked with.
Here's an example of somethingthat happened.
I was in Utah doing a readingand talking about domestic
violence and one lady came up tome very quietly after class and
(15:55):
I said, well, well, that oftenis the first step, but not only
that.
When you have a broken arm,it's a physical illness that
other people can see and you puta cast on it and heals in six
to eight weeks usually, and thenyou go on with a little
physical therapy maybe, but theemotional and the mental abuse
(16:20):
can last long, much, much longer.
So I talked to her at length.
She didn't know what to do.
I said, well, why don't you goto a counselor or to your church
bishop?
So she was Mormon and she saidshe already had.
She went to the bishop and youknow there's a strong cultural
(16:40):
and religious shame in Mormonismabout divorce.
So she felt trapped.
She felt trapped and didn'tknow what to do.
I suggested another counselordo?
I suggested another counselor.
But there's also a lot ofteachings about not going
(17:00):
outside the church.
So you know I didn't.
I don't know whatever happenedto her.
Now the official doctrine ofthe church says that abuse of
any kind isn't permitted.
So I don't want to.
I don't want to bash anyreligion, but she felt she was
trapped in the situation and Ireally didn't know how to help
her.
I just told her to surroundherself with people who believed
(17:24):
in her and to see what shecould do.
I just don't know what happenedto her.
But that's not the only one Ididn't know what happened to.
I also got a call, remember whenI did these book readings.
Then I got asked to talk to awoman's shelter, which I did,
and then there was a woman atthe woman's shelter who was in
(17:47):
charge of getting speakers forthe military and she wanted me
to speak to the military.
We have a military base in townand she wanted me to speak to
the military.
We have a military base in town.
So I said I would.
I said I had to do someresearch on what domestic abuse
is like in the military and it'sa bit different.
So in the military theconsequences of domestic
(18:12):
violence are handled by the CO,the commanding officer, and the
commanding officer can decide todischarge a person, they can
take away their use of firearm,which is huge, or they could
just write them a reprimand.
I mean, it's really the CO thatdetermines what happens them a
(18:37):
reprimand.
I mean it's really the CO thatdetermines what happens.
When I was doing the talks, thewomen I talked to were afraid to
report their domestic abuserbecause they were afraid they
would lose all their benefits,because if their husband or
boyfriend was discharged or ifhe was, you know, in trouble,
they would lose their benefits.
But the Department of Justiceabused felt more comfortable
(18:58):
going to report that.
So that was very interesting.
(19:24):
What other questions did I get?
I got a question about no more.
Do you think victims all havethis aha moment or this catalyst
that helps that?
And I don't know.
I think it's different forindividuals.
Everybody has their own way ofdealing with domestic violence.
For me, I was finally able tohear what somebody was saying
(19:48):
and you know, as a mother, Iwanted to protect my children
and when that police officersaid what example was I setting
for my children?
That was enough for me to say Ineed to get out.
The other thing that happens isI really believe you need to
have strong advocates for youyou need, even though your
abuser tries to alienate you.
(20:09):
I think it's really importantthat you surround yourself with
people that are kind to you andcomforting to you.
Domestic abuse happens mostlybetween the ages of 18 and 35.
So oftentimes the abusedperson's parents are still alive
(20:30):
.
But I found that most of thewomen I talked to were afraid to
go to their parents.
They were afraid because theythought they were a failure or
what would their parents think,the same sort of thing that the
abuser was telling them.
I had a friend who just told meabout her abuse and she said
(20:51):
she went to an all-girls schooland all-girls high school and
then she went to college and shewas in a sorority and then her
first boyfriend was abusive andshe said I was so naive I didn't
realize.
I everybody's naive, everybody.
Nobody knows this stuff isgoing to happen.
They don't happen overnight.
(21:12):
It happens gradually, whittleand whittle and whittle.
And this particular person saidshe was strong enough to go to
her mom and dad.
She said she woke them up frombed one night and she said I'm
in trouble, I need your help,and so her parents helped her
out of the situation.
So you never know where you'regoing to find that advocate
(21:32):
that's going to help you get outyou never know where you're
going to find that advocatethat's going to help you get out
.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I think it's important that once you realize
you're in this situation and youunderstand that you need to get
out, it's important to starttalking to people Because
unfortunately, you do lose a lotof friends and some family
members may desert you along theway because they see what's
happening and they get sofrustrated that you keep going
back or you haven't left yet.
But I think the more people youtalk to, the more likely you're
going to find somebody who willsupport you and that is so key
(22:06):
to being able to get out for avariety of reasons having a safe
place to go.
You know you may be financiallystruggling and not unsure of
where you can stay, and just themoral support of you can do
this.
You've got this.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Right, right, a real positive feedback.
Oh, for sure, for sure.
In one of the talks I actuallyhave cards that I put together
where the women could read outloud what you could say to
someone if they told you thatthey were in this situation.
The first thing you do isbelieve them.
The first thing you have to dois believe them, because a lot
(22:45):
of people think that they're notgoing to be believed and
there's things that you can saythat might help them.
I support you, but the onecaveat is you can't if you are
trying to help someone, youcan't put yourself in the middle
of the situation, because thenyou're in danger.
And if this abuser is willingto abuse somebody he apparently
(23:07):
loves, can you imagine what hewould do to somebody who he
could care less about and couldactually alienate you a lot more
?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
So very true.
And I think another thing isfor family members or friends or
colleagues whoever knowssomebody that may be a victim of
domestic abuse to continuouslygive them support and understand
that they might not leave andthey may not listen to you.
But if you abandon them, thenthey have no one and when they
(23:39):
finally come to that realization, or they hit that catalyst like
you were mentioning of, okay, Ithink I need to get out, and
they start making those plans.
They have no one to turn to andthen they're just so much more
likely to stay.
But just, it's hard.
It is hard and it's frustratingto watch this horrible thing
happen to your loved one.
But just say when you're ready,I'm here, I will help you, I
(24:03):
will be there.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
That's so powerful.
That's so powerful Because itdoesn't happen overnight and, as
you know, they keep going backand back because they, you know,
usually it's somebody you love.
Just because somebody you lovedoes something bad doesn't mean
you don't love them anymore.
It has to take.
I can't do this anymore or thisisn't right for me anymore.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Absolutely.
And when you're saying it'sdifficult sometimes for somebody
to admit, I'll say personally,I had a colleague say you know
what, there's this therapist Iwant you to talk to.
I think she could be verybeneficial for you.
And I said no, I'm not ready,because and that person thought
I was crazy they're like whywould you not talk to this
(24:51):
therapist?
And I said I'm not ready and Iknow that person is going to
give me the tools I needmentally to leave and I'm not
there.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Right, right, right, because you're giving up, you're
giving up a whole life, you'regiving up something you planned
Usually it's with a partner or aeven a husband right you?
You have to give all that upand say I'm going to make a new
life for myself, and that's noteasy for anybody.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, and there are so many reasons people stay, and
there's physical reasons,there's financial reasons, but I
spoke with someone who shedidn't have.
She was OK, she could leavefinancially, she didn't have
children, she wasn't married,but she said I had.
It was almost like thischemical dependence on this man
and she's like I've never donedrugs, but I liken it to this an
(25:45):
addiction of.
And she said when I left I hadphysical withdrawals and which I
was like.
That is so because I, you know,I had my own variety of reasons
where I it was difficult for meto leave, but I had not ever
looked at it the way shepresented it, and so I thought
that was.
That was another likeeyeopening reason.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Yeah, I haven't heard that before, but I've heard a
lot of other things, but Ihaven't heard that it's usually
financial or afraid of being,you know, humiliated or
embarrassed or what will peoplethink of me?
There are a multitude ofreasons and there's not just one
(26:31):
reason.
There's never just one reason.
There's a lot of reasons thatpeople stay and then hopefully
they have this catalyst and theymove on.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Absolutely.
I do want to say when you werereading the parts of the book
before, I do want to emphasizethat that book, like you
mentioned, it is not just allhardcore domestic abuse to where
it's difficult to get through,and I think it flows well enough
and there's a good enoughstoryline that you're not just
being bombarded with all thisheavy, heavy topic and you know,
(27:08):
as somebody who's gone throughan abusive relationship as well,
it's important to understandthat there could be some
triggers there for people.
I didn't feel personallytriggered by anything, but there
were a few times where I didtear up and it was in situations
where it was more of.
I'm so glad she had thatsupport.
(27:29):
It was like a happy tear.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
I got that feedback a lot, that people wanted a break
.
They wanted a break, theywanted to know that there was a
way out.
So I tried to weave that intoit too.
So, yes, it's a scary situation, but she had support and there
were times when people wouldsupport her, or even strangers
(27:54):
supported her.
The doctor she meets in thecafe that supported her.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
So, yeah, it was very well done and I really
appreciated reading it.
I thought it was a great book,but we have one more episode
we're going to get to, and isthere anything you would like to
say in closing with this one?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
You know, when I wrote the book I wasn't sure how
it would be received or whatwould happen with it, but I got
so much positive feedback.
One woman said, you know, sheread it and she had been in an
abusive relationship.
But she didn't.
She was out of it, but shedidn't know what to do.
She wanted to help and aftershe read the book she found
(28:38):
where she could volunteer onlineand so she felt like it was a
trigger for her, even out of herabusive relationship, to see
how she could help other otherpeople in that situation.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
And that's exactly why I wrote the book and I think
that's great because it showsthat sharing a story like this
it opens up discussion and itopens up a safe place almost for
other individuals to be able totalk about their own
experiences and find other waysto help other victims, other
(29:12):
survivors, and I really doappreciate you coming on and
sharing parts of your book.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Well, thank you for what you're doing for the
community.
People really appreciategetting the word out so people
can have a conversation about itand hopefully figure out what
to do in their lives to be safe.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
What a great episode.
I really appreciate howAntoinette's book takes the
reader through the mental andphysical steps of leaving an
abusive relationship.
I say this often, but there areparallels that most survivors
recognize between their ownstory and someone else's.
This book is no different.
As usual, I came up with someparting thoughts while editing.
(29:53):
Antoinette brought upstatistics, some that were
familiar and some of which werenew to me.
This sparked my curiosity, sonaturally, I wanted to learn
more.
Statistics may seem cumbersome,but that is the concrete
evidence legislators look forwhen making changes.
Here's what I found.
Antoinette mentioned the 70%increase in the risk of victim
(30:15):
homicide during the first twoweeks a survivor leaves their
abuser.
Beyond those two weeks, thereis a 75% increased risk of
violence for up to two years.
Intimate partner violencehomicides don't always affect
just the victim, however.
20% of IPV homicides includepeople who intervene, including
(30:36):
family, friends, neighbors andlaw enforcement, as well as
bystanders.
Now, we all understand domesticviolence affects women and men,
but given 85% of victims arewomen and 15% are men, most
information concerns women.
That just means the followingnumbers are much higher.
(30:58):
Between 2001 and 2012, 6,488American troops were killed in
Afghanistan.
In that same time frame, 11,766American women were killed by
current or ex-male partners.
In the United States, there are4,774,000 women who experience
(31:22):
physical violence by an intimatepartner each year.
Now, those who are not directlyinvolved in domestic violence
situations may wonder why any ofthis information matters to
them, so I decided to look upthe financial impact domestic
violence has on society.
Again, this information isrelated to women only, so
(31:43):
imagine what the actual findingscould be.
There is an annual medical andmental health care cost of $4.1
billion.
The loss of productivity costsdue to days off or leave of
absence is estimated to be$858.6 million.
In the case of homicide victims, the loss of expected value of
(32:07):
life earnings is $892.7 million.
Overall, the annual financialimpact domestic violence has in
the United States isapproximately $5.8 billion.
I don't know about you, butthose numbers alone should be
enough motivation for everyoneto take action against domestic
(32:32):
violence.
I would like to thank Antoinettefor taking the time to join me
again and thank you forlistening.
Sources for today, along withthe link to her bio, are found
in the show notes.
I have also included the Amazonlink to purchase Antoinette's
book no More.
I will be back next week withAntoinette as she discusses what
(32:54):
victims, survivors andadvocates can do with all of
this information.
Until then, stay strong and,wherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom.
(33:16):
That's the number1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
1in3 is a Point5Pinoyproduction music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Last week we had theopportunity to listen as
Antoinette Foxworthy discussedwhat led to writing her book no
More.
Today, she graciously readsexcerpts of no More and offers
insight into the significance ofsome of the details she
included in her writing.
(00:20):
Here is Antoinette.
Well, antoinette, welcome back.
(00:41):
I'm very excited for this nextepisode.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Thank you.
Thank you.
We talked in the first podcastabout how and why I wrote no
More, and I'd like to read thefirst few pages of the book.
Remember, this book got startedwith the homework assignment,
so I had to write a homeworkassignment and that's how the
first six pages got written.
So I'd like to readspecifically from the book so
(01:04):
the audience can see what thebook's about.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
That would be great.
And quick question did youchange those from the original
pages that you wrote for yourclass, or are those the actual?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
They're pretty close.
They're pretty close to what Iwrote for homework.
I got a good grade.
Yes, well, obviously.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
I got a good grade, yes.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Well, obviously Okay, no more by Antoinette Foxworthy
.
Her knees buckled as shecollapsed in the chair.
Her lungs seemed to be vacuumedof all air as the verdict was
read.
We, the jury, find thedefendant Orenthal, jane Simpson
, not guilty in the crime ofmurder.
How could this be?
(01:45):
This is not right.
No, no.
Dr Anita Stone wholeheartedlybelieved OJ Simpson, bludgeoned
Nicole Brown Simpson and RonaldGoldman to death.
She maintained her composureeven though bile rumbled in her
gut.
She was in the break room ather office along with seven of
her employees, all transfixed onthe television.
(02:07):
There was an audible gasp asthe verdict was read.
Her staff, all seated instraight back birch chairs
around the rectangular lunchtable, collectively stiffened
and bent their heads down.
Clearly Anita wasn't the onlyone shocked.
She hadn't engaged in directconversations with her employees
(02:28):
about the trial, but she hadoverheard them discussing how
they felt the country wasdivided along race lines in
their opinion of OJ's guilt orinnocence.
Anita had one Black woman onher staff and she suspected that
staff member thought OJ wasinnocent.
The rest of her staff thoughthe was probably guilty.
(02:49):
They all knew OJ was anAmerican hero, a football legend
and a Black man at a time whenBlacks were believed to be
getting a raw deal by the police.
Had the prosecution done theirjob, presenting enough evidence
to convict OJ beyond areasonable doubt?
Clearly this jury didn't thinkso, but Anita was convinced that
(03:12):
OJ was a murderer, even thoughthe prosecution didn't prove it.
To Anita the judicial systemhad failed, failed Nicole Brown,
simpson, ronald Goldman, theirfamilies and all those suffering
from domestic abuse.
The light beige room became dark.
The walls distorted, wavy, asif they were collapsing.
(03:34):
The air became still stale andfoul.
It was like a vice grippedAnita's chest, but she forced
air into her constricted lungsonce.
Twice she closed her eyes,circled her head, trying to
relieve the tension in her neckand shoulders.
Then she took another breathand slowly opened her eyes.
She knew all too well how tosquash her emotions, bury them
(03:58):
deep in the earth and continueon.
It was an all too commonpractice.
Now she turned toward thehallway, praying.
Her secret was not revealed onher face or in her mannerisms.
She walked out of the breakroom to see her next patient,
knowing that underneath herdesigner long sleeve silk blouse
(04:18):
and white lab coat, she hidbruises, bruises on her upper
arms inflicted by her husbandDaryl.
Slowly making her way down thehallway she stopped at one of
her favorite pictures.
It was taken by her businesspartner, dr Thomas Kirkland, on
his recent trip to Maui.
Sunlit clouds mirrored on thecalm surface of the Pacific
(04:41):
Ocean.
Taking in the imaginary freshtropical air of the ocean, she
pulled it down into her lungs.
She relaxed her shoulders, buther neck remained tight and
stiff.
How had she gotten herself intothis mess?
How had she not seen the signs?
She had never met a person sofull of contradictions before.
(05:02):
Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, shehad seen the results of
physical violence in herorthopedic practice and had said
and pinned fractures fromabusive relationships.
She even studied battered wifesyndrome in medical school as
part of her mandatory classes.
But she didn't fully graspuntil recently how or why women
grasp until recently, how or whywomen, particularly intelligent
(05:26):
, professional women withcareers, not just impoverished
ones didn't just leave theirabusers.
Now she understood it all toowell.
She was one of them.
She learned.
It's not about money or lack ofit.
It's not about getting out ofan abusive relationship.
It's about getting out and notlooking over your shoulder.
(05:48):
Getting out without being tooscared, walking to your car
after work in the dark.
Getting out and not fearing foryour safety or the safety of
those you love.
Getting out wasn't easy.
Anita had married Daryl on therebound months after her first
marriage dissolved.
He looked good on his resume,an MBA from UC Berkeley, a
(06:09):
member of the Chamber ofCommerce, a successful
businessman, who happened to beruggedly handsome too.
His wavy mane of caramelcolored hair was just long and
unruly enough to look sexy.
It projected both a naughty guyand eye cleanup well one.
He stood six feet two inches,tall and proud.
His mustache was neatly trimmed, his jaw chiseled and strong.
(06:32):
A Tom Selleck twin.
He wooed her off her feet,promising unconditional love.
On this day, october 3, 1995,after her last patient, anita
hurried to her car, careful notto seem rushed.
She pulled out of the parkinglot and drove around the corner
and opened the door, thinkingwhat the OJ Simpson verdict of
(06:56):
not guilty meant to batteredwomen everywhere.
She vomited the contents of herstomach and bile into the
street, the contents of herstomach and bile into the street
.
When she was certain theheating had stopped, she shut
the door, sipped stale waterfrom the water bottle in her car
, wiped her mouth with thetissue, sat up straight and
headed home.
Her stomach felt as if a rollerderby was happening inside her,
(07:18):
complete with the elbows andthe ribs and the racing to catch
up to an opponent, only to keepgoing around and around in
circles.
Her saving grace tonight wasthat Daryl was out of town on
business and she did not have toface him.
She didn't have to face anyoneexcept the mirror.
She slipped into her pajamas at7.30, made a cup of herbal tea
(07:41):
and sat in front of thetelevision, mesmerized by the
coverage of the OJ Simpson trial.
With bleary eyes she watchedover and over his reaction to
the not guilty verdict.
There was a smirk on his face.
She saw it.
How dare he?
She was feeling trapped andembarrassed and, after today's
verdict, very, very alone andafraid.
(08:03):
She couldn't believe she hadgotten into this mess.
She wanted to get out, get offof this roller coaster of ups
and downs, but how?
The plan she made with thecounselor didn't seem right.
Instead she wanted to discusstheir situation again with Daryl
, hoping he would understand.
She didn't just want to leaveone day.
She felt like a complete loser.
(08:24):
Just want to leave one day?
She felt like a complete loser.
How could she get out with herdignity intact?
Who could help her.
She told everyone how perfectDaryl was for her.
She'd lied for so long toeveryone, including herself.
That was the first six pages ofmy homework assignment.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
I can see why they made you keep writing.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
The book, though, is not just.
The book offers somesuggestions or some help as well
in the characters, and one ofthe things I realized with my
own personal situation is howimportant it is to have people
around you that love you andsupport you and believe you,
(09:10):
even though sometimes you don'ttell them.
I didn't tell anyone for a long, long period of time, but I
want to read one example in thebook that I wrote about a very
valuable lesson, and I thinkmaybe others can relate to it.
Anita Stone's best friend isBarbara, who happens to be the
wife of her partner, dr ThomasKirkland.
(09:32):
As they sat on the sofa,staring through the sliding
glass door into the blue, anitafelt tiny tears trickle down her
cheeks.
She turned to Barbara andquietly said I think I've always
had trouble with letting go ofthings, letting what go?
Oh, I still have rumblings deepin my gut about my dad, about
(09:53):
how he just left and basicallyabandoned us.
It weighs on me like an irksomehangnail that is always there.
Barbara grinned.
Letting go is an age-oldproblem.
We've all had to deal with it,but some of us are better at it.
She rubbed the back of her neck.
My mom told me a Zen story thatseemed to help me.
(10:16):
I had dad issues too.
Anita leaned over to the endtable and took out a tissue,
gently wiping her tears from hercheeks.
Tell it to me, barbara, maybeit will help me too.
Sure, barbara uncrossed herlegs and gently closed her eyes,
allowing the total darkness tomore keenly focus her memory.
(10:39):
After a moment she flutteredher eyes open and said here's
how I remember it, dear wiseBarbara.
Nita said as she turned herbody toward her friend.
I'm ready to listen andhopefully learn In an even soft
tone Barbara started.
The story is about two monks.
One is old and one is muchyounger.
(11:01):
They are traveling together ona long journey on foot.
Due to the heavy rains, thereare deep puddles they have to
cross.
They reach a young womandressed in her silken robes,
looking very cross and impatient.
They reach a young womandressed in her silken robes,
looking very cross and impatient, standing near a large puddle.
She is reprimanding herattendants whose hands are full
of packages.
(11:23):
The younger monk notices thewoman.
He says nothing and walks by.
But the older monk picks her up.
He carries her across the waterand puts her down.
She doesn't say anything oracknowledge him in any way.
Anita's tears had stoppedflowing, barbara took a deep
breath and continued.
(11:43):
The two monks continue on theirway in silence.
After several hours of quiet,the younger monk says that woman
back there was so selfish andrude but you picked her up and
carried her.
She didn't even say thank you.
The older monk slowed his pace.
He turns and replies I set thewoman down hours ago on the side
(12:06):
of the road.
Why are you still carrying her?
Speaker 1 (12:10):
I love that story.
I read it and I wanted.
I was like I need to rememberthis story.
It's so incredibly powerful.
It is a powerful story.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
So I wanted also to talk to you about what happened
after the book was published.
So when the book was publishedI thought I was going on a tour
to promote the book.
So I started small at bookclubs where the people at the
book club had read the book andwe talked about my writing and
(12:38):
the book.
But soon I realized what theyreally wanted to talk about was
domestic violence.
They wanted to hear more, theywanted to tell me their personal
stories.
It just developed, it morphedinto something much more than I
had ever imagined and whathappened is women started coming
(13:00):
up to me mostly women startedcoming up to me and telling me
their own personal situation.
And this is sometimes the veryfirst time they admitted that
they were being abused.
And there's a very powerfulsaying that says you can't
change what you don'tacknowledge.
And these women wereacknowledging it for the first
(13:20):
time, sometimes with me.
Now let me just tell you thatjust because they acknowledged
it doesn't mean they're gettingout, doesn't mean they know how
to get out, because thestatistics also say that a woman
leaves her abuser seven timesbefore she leaves for good.
That was hard for me tounderstand, but what happens is
(13:42):
this abuser just whittles andwhittles away at their ego until
they don't feel that they'restrong enough and their ego's in
the tank or the toilet.
So they don't know what to do.
They're not ready to make aplan yet.
So that happened a lot of times.
They say there are stages ofleaving that I read about.
(14:03):
One is finally not caring aboutthe abuser and then
disconnecting a bit from therelationship.
So that happens.
And then the person beingabused finally starts noticing
the effects of the abuse andwe're not talking about just
because there's a broken arm orsomething.
They start really understandingthe effects and they start
(14:25):
making preparations to leave.
But then what happens is they goback to the relationship
because oftentimes they're inlove with this person, they
think they're going to change.
They think the abuser tellsthem they're in love with this
person.
They think they're going tochange.
They think the abuser tellsthem they're sorry.
So they go back and forth andback and forth until finally
they leave.
So some of the questions I gota lot about leaving.
(14:48):
Why doesn't someone just leave?
Well, remember they're 70 timesmore likely to be murdered in
the first two weeks afterleaving.
And how about another statisticthe presence of a gun in a
domestic violence situationincreases the risk of homicide
by 500%.
(15:08):
That's scary.
Why don't they just leave?
Of course it's hard.
Speaker 1 (15:17):
Right, I knew that one.
I didn't know the first one,but I knew that 500% which, when
I first learned that, blew meaway.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
Yeah, it's really scary.
It's a really difficult time.
I talk about a lot about women,but men also get abused.
I just have more, moreexperience with the women that I
talked with.
Here's an example of somethingthat happened.
I was in Utah doing a readingand talking about domestic
violence and one lady came up tome very quietly after class and
(15:55):
I said, well, well, that oftenis the first step, but not only
that.
When you have a broken arm,it's a physical illness that
other people can see and you puta cast on it and heals in six
to eight weeks usually, and thenyou go on with a little
physical therapy maybe, but theemotional and the mental abuse
(16:20):
can last long, much, much longer.
So I talked to her at length.
She didn't know what to do.
I said, well, why don't you goto a counselor or to your church
bishop?
So she was Mormon and she saidshe already had.
She went to the bishop and youknow there's a strong cultural
(16:40):
and religious shame in Mormonismabout divorce.
So she felt trapped.
She felt trapped and didn'tknow what to do.
I suggested another counselordo?
I suggested another counselor.
But there's also a lot ofteachings about not going
(17:00):
outside the church.
So you know I didn't.
I don't know whatever happenedto her.
Now the official doctrine ofthe church says that abuse of
any kind isn't permitted.
So I don't want to.
I don't want to bash anyreligion, but she felt she was
trapped in the situation and Ireally didn't know how to help
her.
I just told her to surroundherself with people who believed
(17:24):
in her and to see what shecould do.
I just don't know what happenedto her.
But that's not the only one Ididn't know what happened to.
I also got a call, remember whenI did these book readings.
Then I got asked to talk to awoman's shelter, which I did,
and then there was a woman atthe woman's shelter who was in
(17:47):
charge of getting speakers forthe military and she wanted me
to speak to the military.
We have a military base in townand she wanted me to speak to
the military.
We have a military base in town.
So I said I would.
I said I had to do someresearch on what domestic abuse
is like in the military and it'sa bit different.
So in the military theconsequences of domestic
(18:12):
violence are handled by the CO,the commanding officer, and the
commanding officer can decide todischarge a person, they can
take away their use of firearm,which is huge, or they could
just write them a reprimand.
I mean, it's really the CO thatdetermines what happens them a
(18:37):
reprimand.
I mean it's really the CO thatdetermines what happens.
When I was doing the talks, thewomen I talked to were afraid to
report their domestic abuserbecause they were afraid they
would lose all their benefits,because if their husband or
boyfriend was discharged or ifhe was, you know, in trouble,
they would lose their benefits.
But the Department of Justiceabused felt more comfortable
(18:58):
going to report that.
So that was very interesting.
(19:24):
What other questions did I get?
I got a question about no more.
Do you think victims all havethis aha moment or this catalyst
that helps that?
And I don't know.
I think it's different forindividuals.
Everybody has their own way ofdealing with domestic violence.
For me, I was finally able tohear what somebody was saying
(19:48):
and you know, as a mother, Iwanted to protect my children
and when that police officersaid what example was I setting
for my children?
That was enough for me to say Ineed to get out.
The other thing that happens isI really believe you need to
have strong advocates for youyou need, even though your
abuser tries to alienate you.
(20:09):
I think it's really importantthat you surround yourself with
people that are kind to you andcomforting to you.
Domestic abuse happens mostlybetween the ages of 18 and 35.
So oftentimes the abusedperson's parents are still alive
(20:30):
.
But I found that most of thewomen I talked to were afraid to
go to their parents.
They were afraid because theythought they were a failure or
what would their parents think,the same sort of thing that the
abuser was telling them.
I had a friend who just told meabout her abuse and she said
(20:51):
she went to an all-girls schooland all-girls high school and
then she went to college and shewas in a sorority and then her
first boyfriend was abusive andshe said I was so naive I didn't
realize.
I everybody's naive, everybody.
Nobody knows this stuff isgoing to happen.
They don't happen overnight.
(21:12):
It happens gradually, whittleand whittle and whittle.
And this particular person saidshe was strong enough to go to
her mom and dad.
She said she woke them up frombed one night and she said I'm
in trouble, I need your help,and so her parents helped her
out of the situation.
So you never know where you'regoing to find that advocate
(21:32):
that's going to help you get outyou never know where you're
going to find that advocatethat's going to help you get out
.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
I think it's important that once you realize
you're in this situation and youunderstand that you need to get
out, it's important to starttalking to people Because
unfortunately, you do lose a lotof friends and some family
members may desert you along theway because they see what's
happening and they get sofrustrated that you keep going
back or you haven't left yet.
But I think the more people youtalk to, the more likely you're
going to find somebody who willsupport you and that is so key
(22:06):
to being able to get out for avariety of reasons having a safe
place to go.
You know you may be financiallystruggling and not unsure of
where you can stay, and just themoral support of you can do
this.
You've got this.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Right, right, a real positive feedback.
Oh, for sure, for sure.
In one of the talks I actuallyhave cards that I put together
where the women could read outloud what you could say to
someone if they told you thatthey were in this situation.
The first thing you do isbelieve them.
The first thing you have to dois believe them, because a lot
(22:45):
of people think that they're notgoing to be believed and
there's things that you can saythat might help them.
I support you, but the onecaveat is you can't if you are
trying to help someone, youcan't put yourself in the middle
of the situation, because thenyou're in danger.
And if this abuser is willingto abuse somebody he apparently
(23:07):
loves, can you imagine what hewould do to somebody who he
could care less about and couldactually alienate you a lot more
?
Speaker 1 (23:17):
So very true.
And I think another thing isfor family members or friends or
colleagues whoever knowssomebody that may be a victim of
domestic abuse to continuouslygive them support and understand
that they might not leave andthey may not listen to you.
But if you abandon them, thenthey have no one and when they
(23:39):
finally come to that realization, or they hit that catalyst like
you were mentioning of, okay, Ithink I need to get out, and
they start making those plans.
They have no one to turn to andthen they're just so much more
likely to stay.
But just, it's hard.
It is hard and it's frustratingto watch this horrible thing
happen to your loved one.
But just say when you're ready,I'm here, I will help you, I
(24:03):
will be there.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
That's so powerful.
That's so powerful Because itdoesn't happen overnight and, as
you know, they keep going backand back because they, you know,
usually it's somebody you love.
Just because somebody you lovedoes something bad doesn't mean
you don't love them anymore.
It has to take.
I can't do this anymore or thisisn't right for me anymore.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Absolutely.
And when you're saying it'sdifficult sometimes for somebody
to admit, I'll say personally,I had a colleague say you know
what, there's this therapist Iwant you to talk to.
I think she could be verybeneficial for you.
And I said no, I'm not ready,because and that person thought
I was crazy they're like whywould you not talk to this
(24:51):
therapist?
And I said I'm not ready and Iknow that person is going to
give me the tools I needmentally to leave and I'm not
there.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Right, right, right, because you're giving up, you're
giving up a whole life, you'regiving up something you planned
Usually it's with a partner or aeven a husband right you?
You have to give all that upand say I'm going to make a new
life for myself, and that's noteasy for anybody.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
No, and there are so many reasons people stay, and
there's physical reasons,there's financial reasons, but I
spoke with someone who shedidn't have.
She was OK, she could leavefinancially, she didn't have
children, she wasn't married,but she said I had.
It was almost like thischemical dependence on this man
and she's like I've never donedrugs, but I liken it to this an
(25:45):
addiction of.
And she said when I left I hadphysical withdrawals and which I
was like.
That is so because I, you know,I had my own variety of reasons
where I it was difficult for meto leave, but I had not ever
looked at it the way shepresented it, and so I thought
that was.
That was another likeeyeopening reason.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
Yeah, I haven't heard that before, but I've heard a
lot of other things, but Ihaven't heard that it's usually
financial or afraid of being,you know, humiliated or
embarrassed or what will peoplethink of me?
There are a multitude ofreasons and there's not just one
(26:31):
reason.
There's never just one reason.
There's a lot of reasons thatpeople stay and then hopefully
they have this catalyst and theymove on.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
Absolutely.
I do want to say when you werereading the parts of the book
before, I do want to emphasizethat that book, like you
mentioned, it is not just allhardcore domestic abuse to where
it's difficult to get through,and I think it flows well enough
and there's a good enoughstoryline that you're not just
being bombarded with all thisheavy, heavy topic and you know,
(27:08):
as somebody who's gone throughan abusive relationship as well,
it's important to understandthat there could be some
triggers there for people.
I didn't feel personallytriggered by anything, but there
were a few times where I didtear up and it was in situations
where it was more of.
I'm so glad she had thatsupport.
(27:29):
It was like a happy tear.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
I got that feedback a lot, that people wanted a break
.
They wanted a break, theywanted to know that there was a
way out.
So I tried to weave that intoit too.
So, yes, it's a scary situation, but she had support and there
were times when people wouldsupport her, or even strangers
(27:54):
supported her.
The doctor she meets in thecafe that supported her.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
So, yeah, it was very well done and I really
appreciated reading it.
I thought it was a great book,but we have one more episode
we're going to get to, and isthere anything you would like to
say in closing with this one?
Speaker 2 (28:17):
You know, when I wrote the book I wasn't sure how
it would be received or whatwould happen with it, but I got
so much positive feedback.
One woman said, you know, sheread it and she had been in an
abusive relationship.
But she didn't.
She was out of it, but shedidn't know what to do.
She wanted to help and aftershe read the book she found
(28:38):
where she could volunteer onlineand so she felt like it was a
trigger for her, even out of herabusive relationship, to see
how she could help other otherpeople in that situation.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
And that's exactly why I wrote the book and I think
that's great because it showsthat sharing a story like this
it opens up discussion and itopens up a safe place almost for
other individuals to be able totalk about their own
experiences and find other waysto help other victims, other
(29:12):
survivors, and I really doappreciate you coming on and
sharing parts of your book.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Well, thank you for what you're doing for the
community.
People really appreciategetting the word out so people
can have a conversation about itand hopefully figure out what
to do in their lives to be safe.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
What a great episode.
I really appreciate howAntoinette's book takes the
reader through the mental andphysical steps of leaving an
abusive relationship.
I say this often, but there areparallels that most survivors
recognize between their ownstory and someone else's.
This book is no different.
As usual, I came up with someparting thoughts while editing.
(29:53):
Antoinette brought upstatistics, some that were
familiar and some of which werenew to me.
This sparked my curiosity, sonaturally, I wanted to learn
more.
Statistics may seem cumbersome,but that is the concrete
evidence legislators look forwhen making changes.
Here's what I found.
Antoinette mentioned the 70%increase in the risk of victim
(30:15):
homicide during the first twoweeks a survivor leaves their
abuser.
Beyond those two weeks, thereis a 75% increased risk of
violence for up to two years.
Intimate partner violencehomicides don't always affect
just the victim, however.
20% of IPV homicides includepeople who intervene, including
(30:36):
family, friends, neighbors andlaw enforcement, as well as
bystanders.
Now, we all understand domesticviolence affects women and men,
but given 85% of victims arewomen and 15% are men, most
information concerns women.
That just means the followingnumbers are much higher.
(30:58):
Between 2001 and 2012, 6,488American troops were killed in
Afghanistan.
In that same time frame, 11,766American women were killed by
current or ex-male partners.
In the United States, there are4,774,000 women who experience
(31:22):
physical violence by an intimatepartner each year.
Now, those who are not directlyinvolved in domestic violence
situations may wonder why any ofthis information matters to
them, so I decided to look upthe financial impact domestic
violence has on society.
Again, this information isrelated to women only, so
(31:43):
imagine what the actual findingscould be.
There is an annual medical andmental health care cost of $4.1
billion.
The loss of productivity costsdue to days off or leave of
absence is estimated to be$858.6 million.
In the case of homicide victims, the loss of expected value of
(32:07):
life earnings is $892.7 million.
Overall, the annual financialimpact domestic violence has in
the United States isapproximately $5.8 billion.
I don't know about you, butthose numbers alone should be
enough motivation for everyoneto take action against domestic
(32:32):
violence.
I would like to thank Antoinettefor taking the time to join me
again and thank you forlistening.
Sources for today, along withthe link to her bio, are found
in the show notes.
I have also included the Amazonlink to purchase Antoinette's
book no More.
I will be back next week withAntoinette as she discusses what
(32:54):
victims, survivors andadvocates can do with all of
this information.
Until then, stay strong and,wherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom.
(33:16):
That's the number1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
1in3 is a Point5Pinoyproduction music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
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