January 22, 2025 • 29 mins
Uncover the subtle signs of emotional and mental abuse with Antoinette Foxworthy, the brilliant author of "No More," as she returns to share her deep insights on this critical subject. Through her compelling research and personal anecdotes, Antoinette sheds light on the hushed world of toxic relationships, unveiling behaviors that often remain hidden until it's too late. This episode promises to equip you with practical knowledge to identify and navigate these harmful dynamics, highlighting the essential role education plays in preventing domestic violence.
Supporting a friend in an abusive relationship can be daunting, but it's a journey we must undertake with empathy and care. Together, Antoinette and I emphasize the importance of listening with patience and respect while ensuring the conversation remains centered on the survivor rather than the abuser. You'll also find vital advice on accessing local resources safely and learn about impactful strategies, such as using supportive messages, to offer solace and strength to those in need.
Being a supportive ally means setting boundaries yet remaining a steadfast presence for friends when they choose to seek change. We tackle the challenging dynamics of isolation tactics used by abusers and stress the importance of believing survivors, given the rarity of false claims. This episode wraps up with a heartfelt invitation to join our community, encouraging you to explore our resources and stay engaged in this collective movement toward understanding and support.
Antoinette’s bio: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/antoinette-foxworthy/
Amazon link to purchase "No More": https://a.co/d/cfsgEOy
1 in 3 Podcast Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5jUACPkUdCXmwvdPh6v0TO?si=26NxiUUgRDmz6mqlyQv6Ug
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today I'm happy to introducefor the third time Antoinette
Foxworthy.
She is the author of the bookno More.
She explained in her firstepisode what led to her writing
the book.
In part two she read excerptsof no More and in conclusion,
today she discusses abusivebehavior and what victims,
(00:23):
survivors and advocates can doin response to violent
relationships.
Here is Antoinette.
Welcome back, antoinette.
I'm happy to have you again.
Thank, you.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
It's wonderful to be back here.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
And today we're going well.
You're going to go through someinformation I think will be
very helpful to the listenersafter hearing why you wrote the
story and hearing parts of thestory, and then now taking all
of that information anddiscussing what's helpful for
either those who are in domesticviolence situations or those
(01:07):
who know someone that is.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Perfect.
That's exactly what I'd like todo, because sometimes I think
we don't give people enoughinformation about what do you do
if you find out someone is inthat situation.
So with all my research, I gotsome ideas.
What I'd like to talk about iswhat I learned through all my
research and what we can do insituations, and I wanted to
(01:34):
focus on a couple things.
One, the first thing isemotional and mental abuse,
because I think we all know whatphysical abuse is, but
sometimes it's a little bitharder to differentiate what
mental or psychological abuse is.
And then I'd also like to talkabout what you can do if you
suspect someone is in an abusivesituation or they've told you
(01:59):
that they're in an abusivesituation.
So you remember I did a lot ofresearch on domestic abuse when
I wrote my book no More, andwhen I thought I was going to go
on a book promoting tour, itmorphed into speaking
engagements and lectures andtalks about domestic violence,
and that's where I got a lot ofthe information as well as my
(02:22):
research.
When I talked to women at thespeaking engagements, I asked
how do they think they gotinvolved with someone who was an
abuser?
And for the most part, I heardthem tell me that they thought
they were naive, which was veryinteresting, because aren't we
all naive If we don't learnabout what are the triggers or
(02:46):
what is domestic violence wedon't know?
This particular woman went toan all-girls school and then
when she went to college, herfirst boyfriend was abusive and
she didn't know what to do.
So I also, in my particularsituation, my abuser was most
(03:07):
abusive when he was drinking,and I didn't know that people
changed their personalities orgot rude or mean when they drank
, because nothing in my skillset told me that would happen.
My parents drank, I had otherpeople who drank, but I didn't
know you got mean.
So these are things I couldn'trelate to.
(03:38):
So the reason I'm doing thepodcast is that hopefully we get
a little more educated on whatis abuse, and that's what we can
do.
There's a great quote from MayaAngelou, who wrote do the best
you can until you know better.
Then, when you know better, dobetter.
So that's what I'm trying to doMaybe help somebody know better
.
We're going to educateourselves and others,
(03:58):
particularly our children, onwhat abusive relationships look
like.
So let's talk about emotionaland mental abuse.
We all know what physical abuseis, but one caveat is that
relationships aren't abusive.
Individuals are, and sometimesit's tricky to know whether your
(04:20):
experiences or those of someoneyou love qualifies as abuse.
So I'm going to talk about thedefinition of a toxic
relationship and give youbehavioral traits.
So what is a toxic relationship?
It's one that makes you feelunsupported, misunderstood,
(04:41):
demeaned or attacked.
Misunderstood, demeaned orattacked, and a relationship is
toxic when your well-being isthreatened in some way
emotionally, psychologically,physically.
Those are all symptoms.
Those are all examples of abuse.
There are specific behavioraltraits that I have heard and
(05:04):
that I've read about fromabusers Aggressive verbal
communication, yelling andswearing, intimidation.
All those are types of abusivebehavior, as well as
manipulative and controllingbehavior, treating you like a
child, trying to control you oryour time.
(05:24):
That's certainly an example ofabusive behavior.
Lack of empathy, blame shiftingoh my gosh, did I get in the
relationship?
There was a lot of blameshifting.
As an example, personal storyan example personal story my
(05:49):
abuser slapped me one timebecause I made rice instead of
potatoes and I should have knownthat I needed to make potatoes.
It was wild, it didn't make anysense, but he blamed me for him
slapping me because I shouldhave known.
And these are really extremeexamples, but this is what
happens Sometimes.
Abusive behavior is a rollercoaster where they're really
(06:11):
nice one day and then they'revery mean the next.
They might humiliate you infront of your friends, name
calling, put you down.
Abusers may just do the silenttreatment, which is also a form
of abuse.
Then the one big thing I heardabout that abusers do is they
(06:34):
isolate you from others or youractivities.
I heard almost everybody saidthat that's what started to
happen.
And if they don't isolate youfrom your friends, oftentimes
they put down your friends sothat you think that your
judgment is not good.
So that's another form ofabusive behavior.
(06:56):
And just as a reminder, thisdoesn't happen on the first date
or the second date or the thirddate.
It's often a very, very gradualpattern and when it becomes the
whole pattern, that's when wehave to really take a look at it
and say am I in an abusiverelationship?
(07:17):
I have some questions that youcan ask yourself about your
relationship to sort of figureout, try and understand am I
really in an abusiverelationship?
So first one is your partnerjealous and possessive?
Now, jealousy is probablypretty normal, but let me give
(07:37):
you an example of abusivejealousy.
True story.
I'm in an elevator.
I've been in elevators hundredsand hundreds of times.
I'm with my abuser and otherpeople walk into the elevator
and then when we get to ourfloor, we get out, we get into
our room and my husband startsaggressively arguing with me,
(07:59):
saying I was flirting withsomeone in the elevator.
I didn't even know who was inthe elevator, but in his mind I
was flirting with someone in theelevator.
I didn't even know who was inthe elevator, but in his mind I
was flirting with that.
That's a really example of thispossessiveness and something it
was awful.
It was awful.
So that's an example.
Ask yourself, is he charming oneminute and then abusive the
(08:20):
next?
Does he tell you what to wear,where to go, who you can see?
Does he constantly put you down?
Does he play mind games andthen make you doubt your
judgment?
Does he control your money ormake sure you are dependent on
him for everyday things?
A lot when I was in Utah, whenI was speaking in Utah, many of
(08:52):
the women stayed at home withtheir children, so the man was
the wage earner and they told methat they were really
restricted on the things theycould do, even so much, as he
wouldn't put gas in the car sothey couldn't go anyplace.
I mean, it was pretty toughstories.
Does he pressure you to havesex when you don't want to?
Are you starting to walk oneggshells to avoid making him
(09:14):
angry?
Now, everybody who's been in anabusive relationship knows
exactly what this is.
You tiptoe around.
I became very introverted,which is not my normal
personality, and when he wasdrinking I disappeared.
I tried to avoid him at alllengths because I knew that was
one of no matter what I did whenhe was drinking.
(09:36):
Anything could be a trigger.
Does he control your access tomedicine or care?
Does he monitor or track yourmovements or messages?
So many women told me that theirabusers put tracking devices on
their cars.
Now, that's really possessive.
(09:57):
That's really.
That's a sign that somebody'sgone over the top.
Does he use anger andintimidation to control you?
Sometimes that's what they do.
So just a quick summary ofsigns to look out for Aggressive
verbal communication, yelling,swearing, threats, coercion,
(10:19):
manipulative or controllingbehavior, humiliation, name
calling, insults, silenttreatment or lack of empathy,
isolating you from others andthis emotional roller coaster.
So these are things that youneed to look out for when you
(10:40):
are wondering whether yourrelationship is abusive mentally
, and relationship is abusivementally and psychologically.
The other thing I learned aboutfrom a lot of therapy is that
self-talk is monumentallyimportant to you at this time,
because somebody is trying toattack your ego or whittle down
(11:00):
your ego, so it's reallyimportant that you're able to
talk to yourself in a kind way.
Some of the things you can sayto yourself if you're in a toxic
relationship are things like Iam not to blame for being
battered or mistreated.
I am not the cause of mypartner's abusive behavior.
(11:23):
I deserve to be treated withrespect.
I deserve to be happy and safe,and my children deserve to be
happy and safe.
And I am not alone and thereare people who can help me.
So I think these are somethings that you can say to
yourself if you think thatyou're in an abusive
(11:45):
relationship.
So if you find out or if youdecide that you're in an abusive
relationship now, what do youdo?
Right, there are a lot ofprograms that tell you what you
can do, but just briefly,obviously the first thing you
can do is call the NationalDomestic Hotline, 1-800-799-7233
(12:09):
.
That is always an option.
You can look for a woman'sshelter in your area and you can
call your doctor.
Your doctor can help you getthrough this.
The domestic shelter can helpyou, from counseling to health
care programs to a safe place.
You need to make some sort ofescape plan whether you just do
(12:32):
it in your mind, but startthinking about it, get ready to
leave, make and memorizeemergency numbers so that you
know them in your head, and alsoprotect your privacy, because
it's important.
You might turn off your cellphone when you go someplace,
(12:52):
because if that abuser istracking you, they're going to
be able to find out where youare.
So that is just a brief summaryof some of the things you can
do, but by far I think to callan expert, to call the hotline,
to call a counselor, to call adoctor or seek out a friend who
(13:14):
might be able to help you.
That's mental and psychologicalabuse in a nutshell.
Now I wanted to talk about whatyou do if somebody confides in
you that they are being abusedor you suspect that they might
be being abused.
(13:34):
I learned this from so manypeople.
The first thing you can do isbe a friend and listen to what
they are telling you and believethem.
You have to be a patient,listener and support whatever
they decide to do.
So when I wrote no More, acounselor was one of the first
(13:56):
women to read it and get back tome and she said to me you know
that a woman leaves seven timesbefore they leave for good.
Leave seven times before theyleave for good.
I thought that was crazy.
But then I went back to look atall the times I tried to leave
or thought I was going to leaveor plan to leave and I didn't do
it.
So it is true, I did theresearch and they say that it's
(14:20):
true.
So you have to be a patientlistener, even if the person
decides to stay because you needto support them.
You have to be a patientlistener, even if the person
decides to stay because you needto support them.
You need to remind your friendthat they deserve to be
respected.
They deserve honestcommunication.
Help them see that abuse isnever okay and it's never their
(14:45):
fault.
Keep the focus on your friendand not on the other person in
the relationship.
Search for resources.
The other thing you can do issearch for the resources in your
own area so that you can givethem to your friend or a
counselor that you know they maynot be ready for that, and it's
okay if they're not, but haveit in your back pocket in case
(15:07):
they finally say I think I'mready to do something.
Continue to be their friend,even when the relationship is
over.
So I think some women worrythat they're going to lose
friends because they didn'tleave right away or whatever.
But continue to be their friendand make sure, if you're been
(15:27):
confided in, that you take careof yourself.
And if you need help becausesomeone has told you that
they're being abused and youcan't help them, whatever it is
you need, let me tell you whatnot to do.
If someone comes to you andtells you that they're being
abused or you suspect.
If someone comes to you andtells you that they're being
(15:49):
abused or you suspect, don'tcontact the other person in the
relationship.
Oh my gosh, because this abuseris abusing somebody that they
love or care about.
What are they going to do toyou?
If they find out you know aboutit and you confront them?
They may take the wrath out onyou.
So it's really important to notget involved in the middle of
(16:11):
the relationship.
Be anonymous as much as you canand even if the abuser doesn't
try to interfere, if they findout your name, they may try to.
If they find out your name,they may try to alienate you
from their wife or partner.
So it's really important tostay anonymous.
(16:32):
I also read a lot that you'renot supposed to ask specifically
if someone is being abused.
When they're ready to tell you,they'll tell you.
There's things you can say thatthey might open up, but for the
most part, and from my personalexperience, I wasn't ready to
tell anybody and if someone hadasked me, I would have
(16:58):
downplayed it and not told them.
The other really importantthing is don't minimize their
danger.
Remember a woman is 70 timesmore likely to be murdered in
the first two weeks afterleaving a domestic violent
relationship than at any othertime in the relationship.
It is a dangerous time, it is ascary time.
Don't minimize it, don't sloughit off.
(17:21):
This is a really tough time.
One of the things that I did isthat I formed a circle of women
in some of my groups and I gavethem each a blue card, and on
this blue card was something youcould say to someone who has
either told you they're beingabused or you thought they were
(17:41):
being abused.
So we had these cards and Ipassed them out and we went in a
circle and the first person inthe circle would read the card
to the next person so thisperson is listening, as if they
just told you that they're beingabused.
And then, after this personspoke, they turned around and
(18:03):
went to the next person and toldthem so you play the part of
both being abused and what tosay if somebody told you they
were abused.
When I did this exercise,people were crying because they
felt what it felt like to havethose words said to you.
(18:24):
So I'd like to read some ofthose cards because I think
these cards were really, reallyimpactful.
Pretend I'm sitting there andyou have just told me that
you're being abused.
I would say I'm listening, I'mright here listening.
I can't imagine how bad it mustfeel for someone you love to
(18:48):
say or do those things to you.
It must hurt more than I canimagine.
You are not alone.
There is help.
Here's the number of the FamilyAdvocacy 1-800-779-SAFE.
No one has a right to lay ahand on you in anger.
(19:11):
You didn't deserve this.
Do you need me to hold ontosome money, some keys, some
phone numbers or some clothesfor you?
Numbers or some clothes for youIs something wrong.
(19:33):
Can I help?
I'm so sorry this has happenedto you.
How can I help?
I'll sit right here while youmake the call to the hotline.
This is not your fault.
Do you need me to drive you tosomeplace safe?
You're going to be okay.
(19:54):
All the terrible things he saidabout you stem from his
insecurities, not yours.
I hear you and I believe you.
What example are you settingfor your children?
What example are you settingfor your children?
Please, don't be afraid to askfor support.
(20:19):
Support is available.
Nothing you said or did gavehim the right to do this to you.
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
This is not your fault.
Let's talk about you.
(20:39):
What do you need?
I'm here for you, I'm sittingright here and I'll be with you.
So these are the cards that Ipassed around, and you know it
took a few minutes to go throughthis exercise.
But not only were people in thecircle crying.
I saw tears and eyes of peoplelistening to this.
Maybe they were in thisrelationship, maybe I don't know
(21:03):
where they were.
They often didn't confide in me, but something I said resonated
with them, so they in me.
But something I said resonatedwith them, so they.
It was very impactful.
So it gives you some ideas ofwhat you can say to someone you
think is being abused.
One other thing that just cameto mind I'm a country music
(21:23):
listener and there are lyrics toa song that just resonated with
me.
It was written by Jelly Roll,taylor Phillips, ashley Gorley
and Casey Brown.
It's from I Am Not Okay, and Iwould just like to read two of
(21:52):
the stanzas from that particularsong that just resonated with
me.
I don't know if he wrote thesong because of depression or
drugs or alcohol, but itcertainly relates to people who
are going through a reallydifficult time, whether it's
abuse or not.
But the lyrics say I am not okay, I'm barely getting by.
I'm losing track of days andlosing sleep at night.
I am not okay, I'm hanging onthe rails.
So if I say I'm fine, just knowI've learned to hide it.
(22:15):
Well, I know I can't be theonly one who's holding on for
dear life, but God knows I knowwhen it's all said and done I am
not okay, but it's going to beall right.
It's not okay, but it's goingto be all right.
It's not okay, but it's goingto be all right.
It's going to be all right.
I am a warrior, I am a survivorand if you're listening to this
(22:40):
, even if it's not okay now,it's going to be all right.
Please call a friend or theadvocacy line or make a plan to
get out.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
That was so beautifully said.
I just wanted to go over acouple of things.
One thing with those blue cards.
I think it is so important tohave somebody say I hear you and
I believe you.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Oh my gosh.
And I have seen so many peoplewhere they will say I told my
family and they don't believe me, or I told this person and they
don't believe me.
So if you think that you have avery healthy social circle and
family life, you're like I haveall these people that I could go
to.
That person has somebody theycan go to, but maybe they've
tried and they're not believed.
(23:30):
So I think that is so, soimportant to say to somebody.
I love that you put that inthere.
I also wanted to talk about theisolation.
There are tricky ways that theycan isolate you and it may not
be.
Let's move away from everybody.
You know it's not going to beas blunt as that.
It could be something like forinstance, I made plans to go to
(23:52):
a movie with my girlfriends andwe had planned this for a long
time.
It was just one night for amovie and my abuser knew that,
and the night it was supposed tohappen it was oh, I didn't know
you were going to do that.
I really was hoping we couldjust have a night together with
just us, and it was a sweetthing.
I really was hoping we couldjust have a night together with
just us and it was a sweet thing.
So I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, you know what, I'll cancel
(24:14):
those plans, let's have a nightwith just us.
But that happened over and overand over again.
So, like what you werementioning, it's that it
continues to happen.
It becomes more of a habit.
So it can be very tricky and itis gradual.
I always try to stress that andI'm glad you mentioned it too.
One other thing when you'retalking about as someone who's
(24:37):
been confided in, that you wantto be there for that person.
I love that you said to alsotake care of yourself, because I
think that's a huge load to puton somebody that, hey, I'm
being abused and I'm not readyto leave, or I left, I went back
, I left, I went back, and thisperson is trying to be there and
support you, and I think it'sokay to set boundaries and say
(25:02):
listen, you're not ready toleave.
I understand that I am here foryou, though for when you're
ready.
I can't keep going through thiswith you over and over again.
So I think that's okay to setthose boundaries, but still make
sure they know that you'rethere when they're ready.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
That's wonderful to hear you say that, because I
heard so many people.
The first thing I heard is thatthey told somebody but they
negated it or they didn'tbelieve them.
It is rare that somebody tellsyou that they're being abused
when they're not.
I'm sure there are occasionswhen it does happen, but it
(25:41):
takes a lot to finally admitthat you're being abused.
So I think when you tellsomebody to believe them, when
someone tells you, pleasebelieve them and then let them
go through the process and bethere for them and, like you
said, they may not leave for awhile, they may never leave and
(26:04):
you have to take care ofyourself.
If you know that this person isin an abusive relationship and
you don't want to be around them, then don't.
That's okay.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
I think you hit so many important key points that
for victims, survivors and thosewho support the individuals
that are in it, I think this wasa fantastic episode.
I really like how this thirdone just kind of ties everything
all together.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
I think it's fantastic, Thank you so much for
your kind words, and I hopethat it's been helpful to
whomever.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I believe that this is going to prove to be very
helpful for those, and I reallyappreciate you coming on three
times.
You've been fantastic.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for what you're doingfor the community.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Believe it or not.
I don't have any final thoughtsfor this episode, other than I
listened to the song Antoinettementioned.
As a reminder, I created aSpotify playlist of songs under
the title One in Three PodcastPlaylist.
It includes songs recommendedby listeners or friends, along
with some of my favorites.
(27:12):
The range of songs cover everyemotion you may encounter during
or after an abusiverelationship.
I'm happy to say I have nowadded I Am Not Okay by Jelly
Roll.
I would like to once againthank Antoinette for taking the
time to join me a third time andthank you for listening.
(27:33):
The links to her bio, how topurchase Antoinette's book no
More and the podcast playlistare all found in the show notes.
I will be back next week withanother story for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
(27:54):
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website.
One and three podcastcom.
That's the number one.
I n the number three podcastcom.
Follow one in three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at one in three podcastcom.
Follow one in three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at one in three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
(28:16):
One in three is a 0.5 Pinoyproduction music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today I'm happy to introducefor the third time Antoinette
Foxworthy.
She is the author of the bookno More.
She explained in her firstepisode what led to her writing
the book.
In part two she read excerptsof no More and in conclusion,
today she discusses abusivebehavior and what victims,
(00:23):
survivors and advocates can doin response to violent
relationships.
Here is Antoinette.
Welcome back, antoinette.
I'm happy to have you again.
Thank, you.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
It's wonderful to be back here.
Speaker 1 (00:46):
And today we're going well.
You're going to go through someinformation I think will be
very helpful to the listenersafter hearing why you wrote the
story and hearing parts of thestory, and then now taking all
of that information anddiscussing what's helpful for
either those who are in domesticviolence situations or those
(01:07):
who know someone that is.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Perfect.
That's exactly what I'd like todo, because sometimes I think
we don't give people enoughinformation about what do you do
if you find out someone is inthat situation.
So with all my research, I gotsome ideas.
What I'd like to talk about iswhat I learned through all my
research and what we can do insituations, and I wanted to
(01:34):
focus on a couple things.
One, the first thing isemotional and mental abuse,
because I think we all know whatphysical abuse is, but
sometimes it's a little bitharder to differentiate what
mental or psychological abuse is.
And then I'd also like to talkabout what you can do if you
suspect someone is in an abusivesituation or they've told you
(01:59):
that they're in an abusivesituation.
So you remember I did a lot ofresearch on domestic abuse when
I wrote my book no More, andwhen I thought I was going to go
on a book promoting tour, itmorphed into speaking
engagements and lectures andtalks about domestic violence,
and that's where I got a lot ofthe information as well as my
(02:22):
research.
When I talked to women at thespeaking engagements, I asked
how do they think they gotinvolved with someone who was an
abuser?
And for the most part, I heardthem tell me that they thought
they were naive, which was veryinteresting, because aren't we
all naive If we don't learnabout what are the triggers or
(02:46):
what is domestic violence wedon't know?
This particular woman went toan all-girls school and then
when she went to college, herfirst boyfriend was abusive and
she didn't know what to do.
So I also, in my particularsituation, my abuser was most
(03:07):
abusive when he was drinking,and I didn't know that people
changed their personalities orgot rude or mean when they drank
, because nothing in my skillset told me that would happen.
My parents drank, I had otherpeople who drank, but I didn't
know you got mean.
So these are things I couldn'trelate to.
(03:38):
So the reason I'm doing thepodcast is that hopefully we get
a little more educated on whatis abuse, and that's what we can
do.
There's a great quote from MayaAngelou, who wrote do the best
you can until you know better.
Then, when you know better, dobetter.
So that's what I'm trying to doMaybe help somebody know better
.
We're going to educateourselves and others,
(03:58):
particularly our children, onwhat abusive relationships look
like.
So let's talk about emotionaland mental abuse.
We all know what physical abuseis, but one caveat is that
relationships aren't abusive.
Individuals are, and sometimesit's tricky to know whether your
(04:20):
experiences or those of someoneyou love qualifies as abuse.
So I'm going to talk about thedefinition of a toxic
relationship and give youbehavioral traits.
So what is a toxic relationship?
It's one that makes you feelunsupported, misunderstood,
(04:41):
demeaned or attacked.
Misunderstood, demeaned orattacked, and a relationship is
toxic when your well-being isthreatened in some way
emotionally, psychologically,physically.
Those are all symptoms.
Those are all examples of abuse.
There are specific behavioraltraits that I have heard and
(05:04):
that I've read about fromabusers Aggressive verbal
communication, yelling andswearing, intimidation.
All those are types of abusivebehavior, as well as
manipulative and controllingbehavior, treating you like a
child, trying to control you oryour time.
(05:24):
That's certainly an example ofabusive behavior.
Lack of empathy, blame shiftingoh my gosh, did I get in the
relationship?
There was a lot of blameshifting.
As an example, personal storyan example personal story my
(05:49):
abuser slapped me one timebecause I made rice instead of
potatoes and I should have knownthat I needed to make potatoes.
It was wild, it didn't make anysense, but he blamed me for him
slapping me because I shouldhave known.
And these are really extremeexamples, but this is what
happens Sometimes.
Abusive behavior is a rollercoaster where they're really
(06:11):
nice one day and then they'revery mean the next.
They might humiliate you infront of your friends, name
calling, put you down.
Abusers may just do the silenttreatment, which is also a form
of abuse.
Then the one big thing I heardabout that abusers do is they
(06:34):
isolate you from others or youractivities.
I heard almost everybody saidthat that's what started to
happen.
And if they don't isolate youfrom your friends, oftentimes
they put down your friends sothat you think that your
judgment is not good.
So that's another form ofabusive behavior.
(06:56):
And just as a reminder, thisdoesn't happen on the first date
or the second date or the thirddate.
It's often a very, very gradualpattern and when it becomes the
whole pattern, that's when wehave to really take a look at it
and say am I in an abusiverelationship?
(07:17):
I have some questions that youcan ask yourself about your
relationship to sort of figureout, try and understand am I
really in an abusiverelationship?
So first one is your partnerjealous and possessive?
Now, jealousy is probablypretty normal, but let me give
(07:37):
you an example of abusivejealousy.
True story.
I'm in an elevator.
I've been in elevators hundredsand hundreds of times.
I'm with my abuser and otherpeople walk into the elevator
and then when we get to ourfloor, we get out, we get into
our room and my husband startsaggressively arguing with me,
(07:59):
saying I was flirting withsomeone in the elevator.
I didn't even know who was inthe elevator, but in his mind I
was flirting with someone in theelevator.
I didn't even know who was inthe elevator, but in his mind I
was flirting with that.
That's a really example of thispossessiveness and something it
was awful.
It was awful.
So that's an example.
Ask yourself, is he charming oneminute and then abusive the
(08:20):
next?
Does he tell you what to wear,where to go, who you can see?
Does he constantly put you down?
Does he play mind games andthen make you doubt your
judgment?
Does he control your money ormake sure you are dependent on
him for everyday things?
A lot when I was in Utah, whenI was speaking in Utah, many of
(08:52):
the women stayed at home withtheir children, so the man was
the wage earner and they told methat they were really
restricted on the things theycould do, even so much, as he
wouldn't put gas in the car sothey couldn't go anyplace.
I mean, it was pretty toughstories.
Does he pressure you to havesex when you don't want to?
Are you starting to walk oneggshells to avoid making him
(09:14):
angry?
Now, everybody who's been in anabusive relationship knows
exactly what this is.
You tiptoe around.
I became very introverted,which is not my normal
personality, and when he wasdrinking I disappeared.
I tried to avoid him at alllengths because I knew that was
one of no matter what I did whenhe was drinking.
(09:36):
Anything could be a trigger.
Does he control your access tomedicine or care?
Does he monitor or track yourmovements or messages?
So many women told me that theirabusers put tracking devices on
their cars.
Now, that's really possessive.
(09:57):
That's really.
That's a sign that somebody'sgone over the top.
Does he use anger andintimidation to control you?
Sometimes that's what they do.
So just a quick summary ofsigns to look out for Aggressive
verbal communication, yelling,swearing, threats, coercion,
(10:19):
manipulative or controllingbehavior, humiliation, name
calling, insults, silenttreatment or lack of empathy,
isolating you from others andthis emotional roller coaster.
So these are things that youneed to look out for when you
(10:40):
are wondering whether yourrelationship is abusive mentally
, and relationship is abusivementally and psychologically.
The other thing I learned aboutfrom a lot of therapy is that
self-talk is monumentallyimportant to you at this time,
because somebody is trying toattack your ego or whittle down
(11:00):
your ego, so it's reallyimportant that you're able to
talk to yourself in a kind way.
Some of the things you can sayto yourself if you're in a toxic
relationship are things like Iam not to blame for being
battered or mistreated.
I am not the cause of mypartner's abusive behavior.
(11:23):
I deserve to be treated withrespect.
I deserve to be happy and safe,and my children deserve to be
happy and safe.
And I am not alone and thereare people who can help me.
So I think these are somethings that you can say to
yourself if you think thatyou're in an abusive
(11:45):
relationship.
So if you find out or if youdecide that you're in an abusive
relationship now, what do youdo?
Right, there are a lot ofprograms that tell you what you
can do, but just briefly,obviously the first thing you
can do is call the NationalDomestic Hotline, 1-800-799-7233
(12:09):
.
That is always an option.
You can look for a woman'sshelter in your area and you can
call your doctor.
Your doctor can help you getthrough this.
The domestic shelter can helpyou, from counseling to health
care programs to a safe place.
You need to make some sort ofescape plan whether you just do
(12:32):
it in your mind, but startthinking about it, get ready to
leave, make and memorizeemergency numbers so that you
know them in your head, and alsoprotect your privacy, because
it's important.
You might turn off your cellphone when you go someplace,
(12:52):
because if that abuser istracking you, they're going to
be able to find out where youare.
So that is just a brief summaryof some of the things you can
do, but by far I think to callan expert, to call the hotline,
to call a counselor, to call adoctor or seek out a friend who
(13:14):
might be able to help you.
That's mental and psychologicalabuse in a nutshell.
Now I wanted to talk about whatyou do if somebody confides in
you that they are being abusedor you suspect that they might
be being abused.
(13:34):
I learned this from so manypeople.
The first thing you can do isbe a friend and listen to what
they are telling you and believethem.
You have to be a patient,listener and support whatever
they decide to do.
So when I wrote no More, acounselor was one of the first
(13:56):
women to read it and get back tome and she said to me you know
that a woman leaves seven timesbefore they leave for good.
Leave seven times before theyleave for good.
I thought that was crazy.
But then I went back to look atall the times I tried to leave
or thought I was going to leaveor plan to leave and I didn't do
it.
So it is true, I did theresearch and they say that it's
(14:20):
true.
So you have to be a patientlistener, even if the person
decides to stay because you needto support them.
You have to be a patientlistener, even if the person
decides to stay because you needto support them.
You need to remind your friendthat they deserve to be
respected.
They deserve honestcommunication.
Help them see that abuse isnever okay and it's never their
(14:45):
fault.
Keep the focus on your friendand not on the other person in
the relationship.
Search for resources.
The other thing you can do issearch for the resources in your
own area so that you can givethem to your friend or a
counselor that you know they maynot be ready for that, and it's
okay if they're not, but haveit in your back pocket in case
(15:07):
they finally say I think I'mready to do something.
Continue to be their friend,even when the relationship is
over.
So I think some women worrythat they're going to lose
friends because they didn'tleave right away or whatever.
But continue to be their friendand make sure, if you're been
(15:27):
confided in, that you take careof yourself.
And if you need help becausesomeone has told you that
they're being abused and youcan't help them, whatever it is
you need, let me tell you whatnot to do.
If someone comes to you andtells you that they're being
abused or you suspect.
If someone comes to you andtells you that they're being
(15:49):
abused or you suspect, don'tcontact the other person in the
relationship.
Oh my gosh, because this abuseris abusing somebody that they
love or care about.
What are they going to do toyou?
If they find out you know aboutit and you confront them?
They may take the wrath out onyou.
So it's really important to notget involved in the middle of
(16:11):
the relationship.
Be anonymous as much as you canand even if the abuser doesn't
try to interfere, if they findout your name, they may try to.
If they find out your name,they may try to alienate you
from their wife or partner.
So it's really important tostay anonymous.
(16:32):
I also read a lot that you'renot supposed to ask specifically
if someone is being abused.
When they're ready to tell you,they'll tell you.
There's things you can say thatthey might open up, but for the
most part, and from my personalexperience, I wasn't ready to
tell anybody and if someone hadasked me, I would have
(16:58):
downplayed it and not told them.
The other really importantthing is don't minimize their
danger.
Remember a woman is 70 timesmore likely to be murdered in
the first two weeks afterleaving a domestic violent
relationship than at any othertime in the relationship.
It is a dangerous time, it is ascary time.
Don't minimize it, don't sloughit off.
(17:21):
This is a really tough time.
One of the things that I did isthat I formed a circle of women
in some of my groups and I gavethem each a blue card, and on
this blue card was something youcould say to someone who has
either told you they're beingabused or you thought they were
(17:41):
being abused.
So we had these cards and Ipassed them out and we went in a
circle and the first person inthe circle would read the card
to the next person so thisperson is listening, as if they
just told you that they're beingabused.
And then, after this personspoke, they turned around and
(18:03):
went to the next person and toldthem so you play the part of
both being abused and what tosay if somebody told you they
were abused.
When I did this exercise,people were crying because they
felt what it felt like to havethose words said to you.
(18:24):
So I'd like to read some ofthose cards because I think
these cards were really, reallyimpactful.
Pretend I'm sitting there andyou have just told me that
you're being abused.
I would say I'm listening, I'mright here listening.
I can't imagine how bad it mustfeel for someone you love to
(18:48):
say or do those things to you.
It must hurt more than I canimagine.
You are not alone.
There is help.
Here's the number of the FamilyAdvocacy 1-800-779-SAFE.
No one has a right to lay ahand on you in anger.
(19:11):
You didn't deserve this.
Do you need me to hold ontosome money, some keys, some
phone numbers or some clothesfor you?
Numbers or some clothes for youIs something wrong.
(19:33):
Can I help?
I'm so sorry this has happenedto you.
How can I help?
I'll sit right here while youmake the call to the hotline.
This is not your fault.
Do you need me to drive you tosomeplace safe?
You're going to be okay.
(19:54):
All the terrible things he saidabout you stem from his
insecurities, not yours.
I hear you and I believe you.
What example are you settingfor your children?
What example are you settingfor your children?
Please, don't be afraid to askfor support.
(20:19):
Support is available.
Nothing you said or did gavehim the right to do this to you.
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
This is not your fault.
Let's talk about you.
(20:39):
What do you need?
I'm here for you, I'm sittingright here and I'll be with you.
So these are the cards that Ipassed around, and you know it
took a few minutes to go throughthis exercise.
But not only were people in thecircle crying.
I saw tears and eyes of peoplelistening to this.
Maybe they were in thisrelationship, maybe I don't know
(21:03):
where they were.
They often didn't confide in me, but something I said resonated
with them, so they in me.
But something I said resonatedwith them, so they.
It was very impactful.
So it gives you some ideas ofwhat you can say to someone you
think is being abused.
One other thing that just cameto mind I'm a country music
(21:23):
listener and there are lyrics toa song that just resonated with
me.
It was written by Jelly Roll,taylor Phillips, ashley Gorley
and Casey Brown.
It's from I Am Not Okay, and Iwould just like to read two of
(21:52):
the stanzas from that particularsong that just resonated with
me.
I don't know if he wrote thesong because of depression or
drugs or alcohol, but itcertainly relates to people who
are going through a reallydifficult time, whether it's
abuse or not.
But the lyrics say I am not okay, I'm barely getting by.
I'm losing track of days andlosing sleep at night.
I am not okay, I'm hanging onthe rails.
So if I say I'm fine, just knowI've learned to hide it.
(22:15):
Well, I know I can't be theonly one who's holding on for
dear life, but God knows I knowwhen it's all said and done I am
not okay, but it's going to beall right.
It's not okay, but it's goingto be all right.
It's not okay, but it's goingto be all right.
It's going to be all right.
I am a warrior, I am a survivorand if you're listening to this
(22:40):
, even if it's not okay now,it's going to be all right.
Please call a friend or theadvocacy line or make a plan to
get out.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
That was so beautifully said.
I just wanted to go over acouple of things.
One thing with those blue cards.
I think it is so important tohave somebody say I hear you and
I believe you.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Oh yes.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Oh my gosh.
And I have seen so many peoplewhere they will say I told my
family and they don't believe me, or I told this person and they
don't believe me.
So if you think that you have avery healthy social circle and
family life, you're like I haveall these people that I could go
to.
That person has somebody theycan go to, but maybe they've
tried and they're not believed.
(23:30):
So I think that is so, soimportant to say to somebody.
I love that you put that inthere.
I also wanted to talk about theisolation.
There are tricky ways that theycan isolate you and it may not
be.
Let's move away from everybody.
You know it's not going to beas blunt as that.
It could be something like forinstance, I made plans to go to
(23:52):
a movie with my girlfriends andwe had planned this for a long
time.
It was just one night for amovie and my abuser knew that,
and the night it was supposed tohappen it was oh, I didn't know
you were going to do that.
I really was hoping we couldjust have a night together with
just us, and it was a sweetthing.
I really was hoping we couldjust have a night together with
just us and it was a sweet thing.
So I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, you know what, I'll cancel
(24:14):
those plans, let's have a nightwith just us.
But that happened over and overand over again.
So, like what you werementioning, it's that it
continues to happen.
It becomes more of a habit.
So it can be very tricky and itis gradual.
I always try to stress that andI'm glad you mentioned it too.
One other thing when you'retalking about as someone who's
(24:37):
been confided in, that you wantto be there for that person.
I love that you said to alsotake care of yourself, because I
think that's a huge load to puton somebody that, hey, I'm
being abused and I'm not readyto leave, or I left, I went back
, I left, I went back, and thisperson is trying to be there and
support you, and I think it'sokay to set boundaries and say
(25:02):
listen, you're not ready toleave.
I understand that I am here foryou, though for when you're
ready.
I can't keep going through thiswith you over and over again.
So I think that's okay to setthose boundaries, but still make
sure they know that you'rethere when they're ready.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
That's wonderful to hear you say that, because I
heard so many people.
The first thing I heard is thatthey told somebody but they
negated it or they didn'tbelieve them.
It is rare that somebody tellsyou that they're being abused
when they're not.
I'm sure there are occasionswhen it does happen, but it
(25:41):
takes a lot to finally admitthat you're being abused.
So I think when you tellsomebody to believe them, when
someone tells you, pleasebelieve them and then let them
go through the process and bethere for them and, like you
said, they may not leave for awhile, they may never leave and
(26:04):
you have to take care ofyourself.
If you know that this person isin an abusive relationship and
you don't want to be around them, then don't.
That's okay.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
I think you hit so many important key points that
for victims, survivors and thosewho support the individuals
that are in it, I think this wasa fantastic episode.
I really like how this thirdone just kind of ties everything
all together.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
I think it's fantastic, Thank you so much for
your kind words, and I hopethat it's been helpful to
whomever.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
I believe that this is going to prove to be very
helpful for those, and I reallyappreciate you coming on three
times.
You've been fantastic.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for what you're doingfor the community.
Speaker 1 (26:51):
Believe it or not.
I don't have any final thoughtsfor this episode, other than I
listened to the song Antoinettementioned.
As a reminder, I created aSpotify playlist of songs under
the title One in Three PodcastPlaylist.
It includes songs recommendedby listeners or friends, along
with some of my favorites.
(27:12):
The range of songs cover everyemotion you may encounter during
or after an abusiverelationship.
I'm happy to say I have nowadded I Am Not Okay by Jelly
Roll.
I would like to once againthank Antoinette for taking the
time to join me a third time andthank you for listening.
(27:33):
The links to her bio, how topurchase Antoinette's book no
More and the podcast playlistare all found in the show notes.
I will be back next week withanother story for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
(27:54):
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website.
One and three podcastcom.
That's the number one.
I n the number three podcastcom.
Follow one in three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at one in three podcastcom.
Follow one in three onInstagram, facebook and Twitter
at one in three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
(28:16):
One in three is a 0.5 Pinoyproduction music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
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