February 12, 2025 • 45 mins
After a personal encounter with the shocking realities of domestic violence, this week's episode of 1 in 3 offers a compassionate and expert-led exploration of the healing process. I welcome Dr. Anisha, an integrative medicine practitioner and trauma specialist, who sheds light on the complex layers of trauma victims face and the journey towards reclaiming their lives. Her approach, which combines acupuncture, Ayurveda, and yoga therapy, provides victims with a personalized path to recovery. Dr. Anisha also shares her insights on navigating fear, anxiety, and suppressed anger, emphasizing the transformative power of acknowledging these emotions in a supportive environment.
A harrowing tale of realizing the first signs of abuse during a honeymoon sets the stage for a discussion on the progression of domestic violence and its psychological toll. Dr. Anisha and I explore the role of gaslighting, the confusion and shock that trap victims, and the debilitating symptoms of PTSD such as anxiety and hypervigilance. We underscore the importance of external support and education, encouraging listeners to recognize red flags and seek help early in abusive situations. This segment aims to arm listeners with the knowledge and tools necessary to understand and address domestic violence in their lives or communities.
Finally, we focus on a journey toward healing and empowerment. Emphasizing the significance of self-care and community support, we explore how simple daily practices can foster self-worth and counteract the negative conditioning of abusers. Personal stories highlight the challenges of overcoming self-blame and heartbreak. Join us as we navigate these crucial conversations, offering hope and guidance for those seeking to reclaim their lives after domestic violence.
Dr. Anisha's links:
1in3 guest profile: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/anisha-durve/
Nonprofit Website: https://www.power2breakfree.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/power2breakfree/
Nonprofit YouTube: https://youtube.com/@powertobreakfree
Book: https://a.co/d/iLcP73R
Workbook: https://a.co/d/8d3kjaM
Anisha's Meditation App: https://www.picosuite.com/app/bliss
Anisha's LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/anishadurve/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening and please remember to rate, review & subscribe!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, Ingrid.
Today, Dr Anisha joins me indetailing the various layers
involved in a domestic violencevictim's wounding and healing.
Drawing from her personal andprofessional experience, she
also explains differenttechniques and modalities
available to assist in healingfrom domestic violence.
(00:21):
Here is Dr Anisha.
Hi, Dr Anisha.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
(00:42):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Thank you, Ingrid.
I'm really excited to be hereon your podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
And I'm very excited to have you.
So, just quick, you had writtena book the Power to Break Free,
surviving Domestic Violence,and there's a lot of information
in there and you have a lot ofexperience personally and
professionally.
So before we jump into all ofthe guts of all of that, do you
mind just giving us a backgroundof your professional where you
(01:08):
came professionally and how yougot to where you are now?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Yes, absolutely so.
I am an integrative medicinepractitioner.
I've also labeled myself as atrauma specialist, seeing lots
of patients over the yearscoming in with trauma from all
sorts of different backgrounds,but with domestic violence
survivors as well.
So professionally I startedtraining first in acupuncture,
(01:37):
so I have a doctor ofacupuncture degree, doctor of
acupuncture degree.
I'm also an Ayurvedic wellnessdoctor, so I specialize in diet,
lifestyle, you know, educatingpatients about all the things
that they can do to reallyempower themselves with their
health.
(01:57):
I'm a yoga therapist, so usingyoga not just the way people do
in classes to help with strengthor balance, but really using
yoga therapy as a modality totreat specific conditions to
nonprofits, corporations,hospital setting, wellness
(02:31):
centers, trauma centers andaddiction clinics.
And so for me, integrating allof the different things that I
do has made me really anintegrative practitioner that
believes in no one modality byitself can fix and heal
everything, and it's also justthe combination of all these
(02:54):
different things that we dotogether, the synergy of them,
that can really create a strongtherapeutic healing effect.
And besides the things that Idon't do, I refer out to lots of
different practitioners in thecommunity as well, because I
think the most important goal ishealing and getting the best
results possible and educatingpatients on how to do that and
(03:18):
to empower them in their journey.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
When you started off, were you looking for finding
modalities to help withempowerment, or is that
something that you startedfocusing on as you went along
with incorporating all thesedifferent practices?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I think I was just drawn to these individual
modalities and studying all ofthem for my own knowledge and
what I thought were reallypowerful healing tools, and then
, after a couple years inpractice, it was really about
how do I bring all these thingstogether and synthesize them,
that I kind of developed my ownstyle of healing.
(03:58):
I guess bringing it together,Okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
So you do talk about.
Obviously the book has thetitle Surviving Domestic
Violence in there and you talkabout a victim's wounding and
the concentric circles diagram.
Do you mind going into a littlebit more detail about that?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Sure.
So you know, I specifically wasworking with trauma victims
coming from a domestic violencebackground and also experiencing
this myself.
I realized that there were somany different layers to the
healing process when we gothrough trauma and it wasn't
just trying to tackle one thing,because I would tackle one
(04:39):
thing and then a differentemotion would come up and it's
like, okay, we have to shiftgears now and focus on that.
And so over the years ofpracticing and experiencing this
with victim after victim, Ibecame kind of really clear on
four very distinct layers ofhealing.
And on the surface, a lot ofwomen are suffering with fear
(05:04):
and anxiety, and that's kind ofthe most superficial of emotion,
because it's right there at thetop.
It's what we're kind ofexperiencing on a day-to-day
level while we're in an abusiverelationship and then when we're
trying to come out of theabusive relationship, that fear
and anxiety really has to beaddressed first before you can
(05:25):
get to the deeper layers ofhealing.
And then, after working withvictims and working on
minimizing their fear andanxiety, the next layer of
healing that would come up wouldbe starting to access really
the grief and the sorrow ofbeing a victim and being trapped
in this situation and also alot of underlying depression,
(05:48):
and you can't really get to thatlayer when you're so consumed
with anxiety and fear.
So it's definitely a deeperlayer of healing and it can
really vary.
How long does it take to get tothat deeper layer?
It can take weeks, it can takemonths, it can take years.
It just depends on each womanhow she's processing her trauma,
(06:09):
how quickly she's movingthrough it, the support system
she has, what she's takingadvantage of.
And then, after the grief anddepression, what I've noticed is
that the third layer of deeperhealing is really like an anger
and frustration, and for a lotof women it's not safe to be
angry around your abuser orwhile you're in an abusive
(06:33):
relationship.
We're used to the abuserexpressing himself through a lot
of anger and so, to try toneutralize the situation, most
women suppress that anger andit's really really deep and a
lot of women are also scared totouch into it because they
equate the anger with the abuserand they don't want to be like
(06:55):
him, you know.
And so the anger just becomesan emotion that's not safe and
they don't want to go there.
And I explain this in the bookas well is that there is a
differentiation of healthy angerwhere, if something terrible
has happened to us, we aretotally justified in having
healthy anger and we might notknow how to express that in a
(07:17):
healthy way because we're in anenvironment with an abuser where
we're always seeing himprojecting his anger in an
unhealthy way, and so it's areally important part of the
healing process and a lot ofwomen are uncomfortable with it
and they want to just skip overthe anger or just pretend it
doesn't exist.
But once you get to thesedeeper layers, it's so important
(07:38):
to touch into that and to beable to heal it.
And then the deepest layer,layer four, once we've, you know
, passed through these otherlayers, is shame and betrayal,
and those are really heavyemotions that can take a lot of
time to process that.
And working with you know atrained counselor, especially
(08:00):
someone who is experienced withdomestic violence, is so key to
be able to identify thesedifferent layers, label them,
process them, give space to healthem.
And I think at that fourthlayer of shame and betrayal.
I think this is where asupportive community can really
(08:22):
help a victim process throughthis faster.
If she's still really isolatedor alienated, then that shame
and betrayal can stay with herfor a lot longer and can keep a
victim, even though she might befree from her abusive situation
, she might be trapped in thatemotion of shame and betrayal,
which is really important forthat healing to occur.
(08:45):
And I don't want it to seem toolinear, so it's not that women
go through these four layers inthis specific sequence.
You can get rid of fear andanxiety and then be in this
layer of shame and betrayal andthen have a new wave of fear and
anxiety that come, and so it'skind of moving through these
different layers in a nonlinearway and knowing that these
(09:07):
emotions are going to fluctuate.
But once there's significanthealing with one layer, you're
able to access a deeper layer ofemotion.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
So you're helping recognize and understand the
emotions, not ignore theemotions.
The emotions are okay.
It's just a matter ofprocessing through and finding a
healthy way to express them.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely, because most victims feel like they
don't have permission, in anabusive situation or
relationship, to express theiremotions.
That's really what the abuserteaches us is it's not okay for
you to be angry, it's not okayfor you to be sad.
You know like we're not givenpermission to access our
(09:52):
emotions, and so a lot of womensuppress those emotions because
of the conditioning that theyhave from their abuser.
So the healing process is theopposite of that.
We need full permission just toexperience our emotions, to
explore them, to process them,to label them.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Do your clients typically see you in conjunction
with a therapist at the sametime?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Absolutely so.
Usually when I'm working withvictims with severe trauma, I'm
not a trained psychologist orpsychiatrist, and so I do want
my patients to be seeingsomebody like that and doing
talk therapy at the same time asusing integrative modalities.
That's how we're going to getthe best results, and I found
from therapists who've maybeworked with a trauma victim for
(10:39):
some time and maybe the progressis very slow, but then they see
the patient coming to me andstarting to do acupuncture and
yoga and meditation, and thenthe therapist will also say that
they start progressing muchfaster because there's a lot
more support.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Okay, so obviously emotional abuse and
psychological abuse can affectyou physically, even with the
absence of the actual physicalcomponent of abuse.
So how do you see that playinto effect the mental and
physicality of the trauma?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, that's a great question.
So, as an integrative medicinepractitioner, we believe mind
and body are connected.
We really don't separate them.
Physical symptoms can lead tomental symptoms and vice versa
that there's always thisconnection between them.
And for a lot of victimssometimes they're relating to
(11:36):
just physical symptoms orthey're relating to just
emotional symptoms and they kindof compartmentalize and don't
always see the connectionbetween them.
So for myself, one of thesymptoms that I really
experienced is, after some typeof traumatic, abusive incident,
I'd have a lot of adrenaline inmy system, which is part of that
(11:57):
, that um, fight or flightsyndrome.
Right Is that?
It's a normal response of ourbody to stress, to increase our
heart rate and increase ourblood pressure and increase our
body temperature and, you know,get us moving, get us in action.
And so what I found is that forme, when I got clear that I was
(12:23):
in an abusive marriage whichtook me four years to actually
really label and recognize thatin my seven-year marriage, and
the adrenaline was so strongthat I knew for myself, I
couldn't get the clarity to takethe steps I needed to break
free because there was so muchadrenaline going through me
(12:45):
anxiety, palpitations, insomnia,you know, and I knew unless I
calmed that down, I couldn't bein a position to do anything to
really help myself.
And so I went to myacupuncturist.
And because I was knowledgeableabout treating trauma in my
patients, I couldn't do it formyself.
(13:05):
I knew I needed to go havesomeone else be responsible for
helping me.
But I would go to myacupuncturist and I would tell
them exactly which acupuncturepoint I felt like I needed and,
based on my trauma protocols, itbecame a great experiment for
me to, in real time, see how doI calm down this flood of
(13:27):
adrenaline, get clarity, allowmy system to reset.
And so that's how I startedworking with other victims,
after I was out of my marriageand had taken care of myself.
And I started a clinic in alocal domestic violence center
and offered free acupuncture andjust allowed these women to
(13:48):
come in every week, receivethese treatments, get rid of
that excess adrenaline, calmdown their fear, their anxiety,
their palpitations.
And it also turned into like aweekly support group where women
would just share every weekwith each other, along with me
as the medical practitioner, butthey would share with each
other.
Yeah, this week I startedsleeping for the first time more
(14:09):
than six hours, or this is thefirst week.
I didn't have palpitationsevery single day, I just noticed
some little periods of reliefthroughout the day, and so it
also became empowering for otherwomen to hear these stories and
testimonials of how people wereprogressing through their
healing journeys and seeingsymptoms minimized.
(14:32):
And that's what really allowedthese women who some of them
were still in relationships withtheir abusers, but to get the
clarity of I feel stronger.
I think I can actually takesome steps to start to break
away.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
That's an amazing transformation.
So we always we do talk abouttrauma with domestic violence
and abusive relationships, but Ithink one concept for some
reason is difficult for thosewho get out of those
relationships to grasp is thatthere is a degree of PTSD,
because it almost seems likePTSD is supposed to be reserved
(15:08):
for, you know, people who are inthe military or who have seen
active combat, and I mean it's atraumatic event.
Do you mind discussing a littlebit about some of the signs and
symptoms of PTSD and how thatrelates to domestic violence
victims and survivors?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Ptsd post-traumatic stressdisorder anybody can experience
that.
Who's gone through a traumaticevent.
For some people it might be aone-time event, like 9-11, for
example you know it existed onthis one day but the after
effect of the trauma, of whatyou saw, what you witnessed,
what you experienced, can staywith you for a long time.
With domestic violence, itusually does start as something
(16:07):
smaller and then progresses tosomething that becomes more
intense.
For me, my first incident ofphysical abuse actually started
on our honeymoon and it was asimple argument, but he decided
to then hug me so tightly that Ifelt suffocated.
(16:28):
I couldn't breathe.
His finger marks were on my arm.
I was telling him you'rehugging me too tight.
This doesn't feel okay.
Trying to get him to back off,him not listening to me, and in
my head I had never experiencedanything like that.
I never would have thought tolabel it as abuse, as physical
abuse For me.
(16:49):
I just thought something wentwrong in this conversation.
His reaction was not okay anddid not make me feel okay, and I
verbalized it, but something inhis brain was not listening to
my words and understanding whatI was saying.
That was the way I interpretedit, and for a lot of victims,
(17:11):
these incidences can be socrazy-making and so confusing
because it's not somethingdramatic right away and there
can be a whole range of emotionsand experiences.
And so I think one of theemotions of PTSD that people
minimize is the shock factor andsomething distressing that
(17:35):
happens to you, especially ifit's happening when you least
expect it.
If it's happening by the personthat you love, it's very hard
to understand what is happeningto me or why is this person
behaving this way?
And that shock is, I think,what keeps a lot of women
trapped in the cycle of violenceand as an outsider, people say,
(17:58):
well, why doesn't she justleave?
Or that was something terriblethat just happened, why doesn't
she leave?
But the truth is she might nothave processed what happened,
she might still be in this stateof shock where she can't
understand it, she can't labelit, she can't even talk about it
yet.
So there's a whole range ofemotions, you know.
I think anxiety is one of themost common.
(18:21):
That's easy to identify.
But there's exhaustion can be avery common symptom of PTSD
that women experience.
I know for myself.
There were so many incidencesthat after they happened even
though I might have labeled itas physical abuse in my mind.
I was just too exhausted to doanything or to get help, you
(18:45):
know, and that's a really realsymptom.
So anxiety, stress, shock, thatconstant fight or flight
response, a lot of women becomenumb with certain incidences,
especially if there's certainpatterns that they're
experiencing.
There can be a lot ofhypervigilance.
(19:07):
I know for myself, flashbackswas something I experienced a
lot, where maybe my abuser wasgone for the day and I'm
physically apart for him for 10hours, but I would keep
replaying what happened in mymind over and over and that
wasn't just recent after anincident, it could be months
(19:27):
later, where I'm still rewindingin my head because I'm still
thinking what happened andtrying to make sense of it.
And you know, a lot of womenlook at themselves and say what
could I have done differently,like, how did I trigger him?
You know, and that's also oneof the abuser's tactics is to
make you keep questioningyourself so that you're not
(19:47):
looking at him and understandinghis actions and his intentions
and his motivations.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
And I think it's that gaslighting that can make
recognizing the symptoms of PTSDso difficult because, for
instance, like the insomnia, oneof the ways they can abuse is
causing sleep deprivation.
So then you may think, well, amI just tired because I haven't
been getting enough sleep, or isit a form of some of the
(20:15):
symptoms of PTSD?
So I think it is important tounderstand and recognize that
those are symptoms of actualPTSD.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Absolutely, and it's really hard for the average
person to be able to recognizethat and label it.
This is where having somebodyon the outside, a third party, a
therapist, who would be idealat recognizing these symptoms.
But a lot of women are soisolated that they're not
getting help for themselves.
(20:44):
So even just having a trustedfriend, they might not be an
abuse expert, but just beingable to talk about what you're
experiencing, most friends wouldbe able to tell you that
doesn't sound right, that's notokay.
What he's doing, that's not anormal response, and so that's
why that's one of the abuser'stactics to isolate their victims
(21:06):
, because they don't want you toget feedback from the outside.
They don't want their actionsto be labeled and understood as
abuse.
They want to keep you in aplace where you're constantly
confused.
And so the more I think we cando to educate women before they
even start dating, and thenhealthy dating practices, and
(21:29):
then before you even enter intoa marriage, we need to
understand and be educated inwhat are healthy relationships,
so we know what to look out for,all the red flags that aren't,
and then for us to be educatedon PTSD as well if we start to
experience any of these range ofsymptoms.
That should be kind of an alarmbell where we question
(21:52):
ourselves and we try to go andget help at that point.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I think label is a key word because I think, how
you mentioned, it was difficultfor you to really comprehend if
comprehend not even comprehend,but admit what was happening.
The same goes for me.
I knew the symptoms, I knewsigns and I knew what it
probably was that I was in, butI couldn't put that label of
abuse on it because then thatwouldn't mean I'd have to admit
(22:20):
that I was a victim and I wasn'tready to get to that point yet.
So I think label is a reallykey word there.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Absolutely, and I think that's really the hangup
for so many women is that youknow there's a stereotype of
what a domestic violence victimis, and many of us are aware of
that stereotype but none of uswant to identify with that.
You know, and we have such adifferent range of experiences
of how long the relationship'sbeen, how severe it's been, how
(22:50):
many different types of abuseare coming into play, and so I
think that that label is one ofthe hardest things to get to
that point.
So I know for myself, eventhough I was a trauma specialist
and had been working withvictims of trauma for many, many
years, it was still really hardfor me to label myself as a
(23:13):
trauma victim and understand thesymptoms that I was having.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Oh, I definitely get that.
So once an individual is ableto understand what is happening
to them emotionally plus minusphysically, what does the
healing portion look like?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
That's a great question.
So I think this is going to bedifferent for everybody in terms
of what you're open to, whatyou have access to.
A lot of integrative medicinetherapies are expensive,
unfortunately, so that can be avariable for some women in terms
of getting access.
For myself, I really fell toacupuncture as one of the most
(24:02):
powerful ways to affect mind andbody.
Very strong influence on thenervous system.
It got me out of thatadrenaline right away so I could
experience.
You know, an hour after myacupuncture treatment I would
just feel so mentally clear andthen that's when I would go to
the local DV center or call upmy attorney or start reaching
(24:23):
out to people and I just feltempowered after every session
because I felt so much moreclear in my mind about the steps
I needed to take and itdiminished my fear and anxiety
enough for me to start to takeaction.
Yoga therapy, or just yoga ingeneral, is such a great way for
(24:46):
women to start to get in touchwith their body, their breath,
building that self-awareness,because as we're experiencing
more physical violence and weget really numb or go into
denial, there's a lot of beingout of touch with our bodies,
and so yoga massage is a greatway to once again receive
(25:08):
healing, loving touch.
For some women, the massagemight be too big of a jump
because they're not ready yet tobe touched by someone.
So it's really important tojust recognize where you are,
what you're comfortable with.
We never really want to pushsomeone to go past their comfort
zone, and so it's really aboutbeing able to listen to yourself
(25:29):
, honor yourself, figure outwhat is it that I need that's
going to help me.
Meditation you know there'slots of free apps that people
can access now, and so justbeing able to do a five-minute,
10-minute meditation practice aday to help you get centered,
feel balanced, feel calm, feelgrounded, can be really helpful
(25:53):
to start to break that pattern.
There's lots of other modalitiesout there besides just the ones
that I practice or the onesthat I've named, that I practice
or the ones that I've named.
Aromatherapy using essentialoils is also a lovely way to
just instantly smell somethingthat's pleasing, calms the
nervous system down.
(26:14):
Lavender, for example, is greatfor anxiety, but there's many
other essential oils out thereto experiment with.
There's herbal medicine thatcan also help with a lot of the
PTSD symptoms, but this issomething you don't want to
self-prescribe.
You want to really go to apractitioner that understands
(26:34):
herbs whether it's anacupuncturist with Chinese herbs
, an Ayurvedic doctor withAyurvedic herbs, a naturopath
that can work with Western herbssomeone who's really
specialized with that who canhelp you with the right
prescription and combination isgoing to be important.
Craniosacral is a wonderfulmodality.
(26:56):
That's not exactly massage oracupressure, but it really can
help with head, neck, spinaltrauma.
So any of my patients that havechronic headaches and migraines
which a lot of trauma victimsdo, I'll recommend that they do
craniosacral.
And then also just looking atthings like even martial arts
(27:20):
for women to take a self-defenseclass, take a martial arts
class.
It's just a way of physicallyonce again developing that body
awareness but starting to feelmore empowered in your body
after years of neglect or abusewhere you become so
disassociated from your physicalself.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
You mention in the book the five layers of the
healing process.
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
So that journey of healing and recovery, once again
it's so different for everybodyin terms of when are they open
to it, the support system, themodalities that they choose.
But what I have found is that,specifically for domestic
violence victims of trauma, thatthese five layers to the
(28:09):
healing process are once againwhat I experienced myself and
what I've seen in all thevictims that I've worked with.
And so the first step in thehealing process, I think, is to
really face our heartbreak.
You know, for a lot women itcould be the ending of a
marriage.
Divorce can be traumatizing.
For people who don't have abusein their marriage as well, it's
(28:32):
a big chapter of your lifeending.
It's a big life commitment thatyou maybe had expectations and
ideals for, and the disillusionof any marriage relationship can
be a huge heartbreak.
And so a lot of victims lovedtheir abusers, loved their
partners.
That emotion was real and it'simportant to acknowledge that
(28:56):
it's okay to still feel thislove for someone but also
recognize I am not safe aroundthat person and that heartbreak
can take a long time to grieveand to process.
But a lot of women kind of skipover that step and so I have to
coach them about going back tothat first step, that layer of
(29:16):
healing, and just recognizingtheir heartbreak and being
honest about that.
And then I think the secondstep in this layer to healing is
really accepting and processingthe victimization.
So we talked about before howit was hard for both of us to
label what we were going throughand label ourselves as a victim
because of the stigma, thestereotype of that and, I think,
(29:41):
being really clear about whatdoes it mean to be a victim?
But then also understanding,once you label yourself as a
victim, you don't have to staystuck there.
The pathway of healing is to gofrom victim to survivor, and
all of us have that possibilityof going through that
transformation.
(30:02):
But it really does takeaccepting that you are a victim
and then processing what thatmeans.
And so for myself, when I wrotethis book, the Power to Break
Free, I had a lot of contentthat didn't fit into the book,
and so I created a companiontrauma workbook that goes
through all these differentexercises for women to process
(30:25):
their trauma, and you know it'sliterally lists and uh things
such as unhealthy relationships,where you go through and you
checkmark all the things thatapply to you.
And as I was going throughthese exercises, even though I
had reached the step of labelingmyself as a victim.
I would go through theseexercises in the trauma workbook
(30:47):
and it would just make merealize deeper and deeper how
far I had fallen as a victim andall of his tactics and his
master strategy, and thateverything was very well
calculated on his part and verysystematic to make me weaker, to
(31:07):
make me question myself, tomake me not want to reach out to
people, to make me ashamed.
And so the trauma workbook wasessentially realizing that
labeling yourself as a victim isnot enough.
Going through these exercisesto process how you were a victim
(31:28):
and to make you see your abuserfor really who he is is someone
who has systematically brokenyou down, weakened you.
You know that was reallyimportant for me to see with
more clarity everything that Ihad gone through.
The next third layer is nowthat you have started to process
(31:53):
your victimization.
You have to start coping withall the different layers of your
wounding.
You know all the emotionaltrauma that you've gone through,
and we mentioned this beforethe four layers of fear and
anxiety, grief and depression,anger and frustration, shame and
betrayal.
And so this is where you'rereally getting into the thick of
(32:13):
it and going through that wholerange of emotions and starting
to come up with your own copingmechanisms, your own processing,
your own understanding.
And after you've done that is,I think, layer four in this
healing journey is practicingforgiveness.
And I want to take a moment tojust clarify what I mean about
(32:37):
this, because I think there's alot of pressure that's put on
people to forgive the abuser,whether it's through friends and
family, whether it's throughreligious figures in your life.
But the real forgiveness herethat I'm talking about is for a
victim to forgive herself thatshe got herself into the
(32:57):
situation and for her to notblame herself for not being able
to anticipate that this partnerwas going to be abusive,
especially when he might nothave shown any of those signs.
When you were dating, you knowhe might've been the
stereotypical, charming personthat won you over, won your
(33:19):
family and friends over, and soit's really that forgiveness for
yourself that's the mostimportant.
Whether someone chooses toforgive their abuser or not, I
think that really depends onwhether you think they deserve
to be forgiven for all thethings that they've done, and
for some victims, they mightdecide he doesn't deserve to be
forgiven for all the things thatthey've done and for some
victims, they might decide hedoesn't deserve to be forgiven
(33:40):
for what he did, and theyshouldn't be shamed into
thinking that's not okay.
That's their call, and onlytheir call, whether they can do
that.
And then the fifth layer in thehealing process is really
embracing your transformationand empowerment.
And so this is something formyself that I couldn't start to
(34:03):
embrace, that while I was havinganxiety and flashbacks, and
it's definitely something thatcomes later.
A lot of people think, okay,you've left your abuser.
Now you've gotten your divorce,you should instantly be a
happier person and transformed.
And it's like, no, that takestime.
It is a healing journey andthat's going to really vary for
(34:25):
each victim in terms or eachsurvivor, I should say, at this
point, of what they're doing totake care of themselves.
And I remember my therapist, youknow, when I was going through
this divorce process and I'mlike, okay, I'm done with the
divorce, now I just want to beover this chapter of my life and
I want to feel great in like amonth.
(34:46):
And she's like Anisha, it'sgoing to take some time, you
know.
And she said you're going tofeel better each month, you're
going to feel there'stransformation.
And she said each year you'regoing to feel there's
transformation.
And she said each year you'regoing to feel that there's
transformation.
I'm like I don't want to take awhole year to heal and feel
better.
And she's like you can't rushthis.
It is something that's going totake time, and now I realize
(35:10):
that it did take.
Like each year, after mydivorce, I felt more clear, I
felt more grounded, I felt moreconfident, but it definitely was
a process that took time andthe first couple of months are
the most intense.
But then after that, I still dothink it takes a couple years,
even being super vigilant aboutyour healing, to really
(35:33):
understand what you have comeout of, to really understand
what you have come out of.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
I can identify with that.
So much I will say for mepersonally.
I thought you know, definitelycelebrate all the steps that
like, every step that you havetowards your healing.
That's great.
But it was like I'd have alittle tiny baby step and I'm
like I'm good, I'm, I'm, youknow, I'm now, I'm empowered.
I took a lot of intensivetherapy for me to get back to
(36:00):
the heartbreak part.
So I was trying to jump aheadto everything else and it didn't
take me until one of the lastsessions of I did EMDR to
realize that I loved my abuser.
And it was in my head.
I had convinced myself that Iwas too smart of an individual
(36:22):
to end up in a relationship likethat.
So I must have faked that Iloved him.
I didn't truly I was, forwhatever reason decided I used
him to pretend I was in love orsomething, him for to pretend I
(36:42):
was in love or something.
And so I hit the heartbreakpart a long time after the
relationship had ended and I wasout of it.
So that is interesting how youyou mentioned all of that.
Uh, there was the other um,forgiveness.
That was a tough one andself-forgiveness is very
difficult because I found iteasier to blame myself for a lot
of what happened than to blamehim.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
Absolutely, and I think that's where most victims
get stuck, honestly, is there isso much self-blame.
But that's also part of theabuser's conditioning, you know,
and so it takes time torecognize those tactics and then
to see am I just beating myselfup?
The same way my abuser is, youknow, and it took for myself the
(37:26):
help of a very skilledtherapist to help me see those
patterns.
What am I doing?
You know that is blocking myhealing because I'm kind of
mimicking my abuser, blamingmyself or shaming myself.
And so it's really important togive yourself that permission
of time to process all of thesethings, to go at your own pace,
(37:50):
to continue to get support fromhealers on the outside, from
developing your community ofsupport, friends and family, but
understanding that this is areally difficult, challenging
but can also be a reallybeautiful journey.
So, over the years of justworking with trauma victims, I
(38:12):
will say, as a practitioner,what has been most fulfilling
for me is to see thetransformation that is always
possible if we open up to thehealing that that's really there
for us.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
And it's important in every stage.
Do you want to just talk alittle bit more about just
general self-care and what to doand how important it is and
what effects it has, whatpositive effects it can have?
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Absolutely so.
I think self-care is somethingthat women in general tend to
neglect not just trauma victims,but, I think, women in general.
You know we're busy being wivesand mothers and daughters and
there's so much responsibilityand multitasking and just
juggling life right.
(39:06):
Life in general can just beoverwhelming and keep us super
busy, and so I think everybodyneeds self-care in their life,
regardless of your background orwhat is going on.
But for trauma victims inparticular, I think it's really
important to have some type of adaily practice that allows you
(39:29):
to feel centered, to feelgrounded, to feel empowered, and
so a lot of victims.
I start with just five minutes aday.
Can you commit to just fiveminutes a day of closing your
eyes and breathing or listeningto a meditation app and doing
something for five minutes?
Maybe it's five minutes of justlike sitting out in the sun,
(39:51):
five minutes of journaling.
Maybe it's five minutes ofdoing like a self-massage and
working on an area of your bodythat's particularly tight or
tense, but just opening up tothat, that shows that you matter
, that it's worth it to takethis time for yourself.
(40:11):
Everything the abuser conditionsyou to believe is that you're
not worth it.
You can't take this time.
All of your energy should, infact, be turned towards him
right and making his life better.
And so to break away from thatand to acknowledge yourself that
I deserve this, I am worthy ofthis, I need.
(40:32):
This is so empowering, and sofive minutes might just be very
small in the span of your day,but it can start to just
transform how you're feelinginside.
It can start to just make awoman feel like it matters how I
feel, it matters what I'm goingthrough, because we're
(40:52):
conditioned for so long to benumb to what we're feeling.
So that's what I usually coachmost of my patients is to just
start to create that dailyritual, whatever it might be,
commit to the five minutes andthen, week by week, you can
start to expand that amount oftime and go to 10 minutes and
(41:13):
the next week 15 minutes, andideally at least an hour a day
is recommended for all of mypatients, even the ones who are
not trauma victims, and itdoesn't have to be one hour all
at the same time.
It might be a 30-minute walk inthe morning, it might be 30
minutes of like taking a bubblebath at night with some candles,
(41:34):
just whatever it is that makesyou feel like you are taking
care of yourself and you areworth it.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
That's such good information.
I think we had a lot of reallygood topics.
Is there anything else that youwanted to add?
Speaker 2 (41:51):
I think we did cover a lot.
I think I would just end ourconversation, you know, saying
to all the women out there thatare listening to this, wherever
you might be in your journeymaybe you've just entered into a
relationship and there's a lotof red flags and you don't know
what to do yet Maybe you've beena victim in an abusive
relationship for a while.
(42:13):
Maybe you are taking the stepsto get out of that abusive
relationship.
Maybe you've been a survivorfor a while.
Maybe you are taking the stepsto get out of that abusive
relationship.
Maybe you've been a survivorfor a while.
There could be women on all endsof the spectrum that are
listening to this conversation,but I would want to just tell
each and every person out therethat all of you deserve to find
(42:34):
the healing that you need.
All of you deserve to have alife of freedom, of happiness,
of being able to find your lifepurpose and joy, and it's not
worth it to cut yourself shortof that because you might be in
an abusive relationship that'sholding you back.
(42:57):
You really owe it to yourselfto find your own inner happiness
and know that's not going tocome from anybody else, and to
also just trust your healingjourney.
That healing takes time.
It happens one day at a time,one step at a time.
Just trust the process, becauseas soon as you open up to that
healing journey, you will alwayscontinue to grow and thrive and
(43:22):
experience more healing, andall of you deserve that.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
That's so beautifully said and so inspirational and
hopeful.
Thank you so much, dr Anisha,for taking your time to be with
me today, and then next weekyou're coming back for another
episode, absolutely.
Thank you so for taking yourtime to be with me today, and
then next week you're comingback for another episode,
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Thank you so much for your time.
It's been such a joy to talkabout this and go deeper into
healing with you.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
I would like to thank Dr Anisha again for joining me
today and thank you forlistening.
I have included the links to DrAnisha's 1 in 3 profile, as
well as additional links she hasshared in the show notes.
I will be back next week withpart two of my interview with Dr
Anisha, in which she discussescultural challenges,
(44:06):
specifically the Indianculture's influence in
navigating domestic violence.
Until then, stay strong and,wherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom that's the number
(44:28):
1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast To help me out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, Ingrid.
Today, Dr Anisha joins me indetailing the various layers
involved in a domestic violencevictim's wounding and healing.
Drawing from her personal andprofessional experience, she
also explains differenttechniques and modalities
available to assist in healingfrom domestic violence.
(00:21):
Here is Dr Anisha.
Hi, Dr Anisha.
Thank you so much for joiningme today.
(00:42):
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Thank you, Ingrid.
I'm really excited to be hereon your podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
And I'm very excited to have you.
So, just quick, you had writtena book the Power to Break Free,
surviving Domestic Violence,and there's a lot of information
in there and you have a lot ofexperience personally and
professionally.
So before we jump into all ofthe guts of all of that, do you
mind just giving us a backgroundof your professional where you
(01:08):
came professionally and how yougot to where you are now?
Speaker 2 (01:12):
Yes, absolutely so.
I am an integrative medicinepractitioner.
I've also labeled myself as atrauma specialist, seeing lots
of patients over the yearscoming in with trauma from all
sorts of different backgrounds,but with domestic violence
survivors as well.
So professionally I startedtraining first in acupuncture,
(01:37):
so I have a doctor ofacupuncture degree, doctor of
acupuncture degree.
I'm also an Ayurvedic wellnessdoctor, so I specialize in diet,
lifestyle, you know, educatingpatients about all the things
that they can do to reallyempower themselves with their
health.
(01:57):
I'm a yoga therapist, so usingyoga not just the way people do
in classes to help with strengthor balance, but really using
yoga therapy as a modality totreat specific conditions to
nonprofits, corporations,hospital setting, wellness
(02:31):
centers, trauma centers andaddiction clinics.
And so for me, integrating allof the different things that I
do has made me really anintegrative practitioner that
believes in no one modality byitself can fix and heal
everything, and it's also justthe combination of all these
(02:54):
different things that we dotogether, the synergy of them,
that can really create a strongtherapeutic healing effect.
And besides the things that Idon't do, I refer out to lots of
different practitioners in thecommunity as well, because I
think the most important goal ishealing and getting the best
results possible and educatingpatients on how to do that and
(03:18):
to empower them in their journey.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
When you started off, were you looking for finding
modalities to help withempowerment, or is that
something that you startedfocusing on as you went along
with incorporating all thesedifferent practices?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I think I was just drawn to these individual
modalities and studying all ofthem for my own knowledge and
what I thought were reallypowerful healing tools, and then
, after a couple years inpractice, it was really about
how do I bring all these thingstogether and synthesize them,
that I kind of developed my ownstyle of healing.
(03:58):
I guess bringing it together,Okay, that's interesting.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
So you do talk about.
Obviously the book has thetitle Surviving Domestic
Violence in there and you talkabout a victim's wounding and
the concentric circles diagram.
Do you mind going into a littlebit more detail about that?
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Sure.
So you know, I specifically wasworking with trauma victims
coming from a domestic violencebackground and also experiencing
this myself.
I realized that there were somany different layers to the
healing process when we gothrough trauma and it wasn't
just trying to tackle one thing,because I would tackle one
(04:39):
thing and then a differentemotion would come up and it's
like, okay, we have to shiftgears now and focus on that.
And so over the years ofpracticing and experiencing this
with victim after victim, Ibecame kind of really clear on
four very distinct layers ofhealing.
And on the surface, a lot ofwomen are suffering with fear
(05:04):
and anxiety, and that's kind ofthe most superficial of emotion,
because it's right there at thetop.
It's what we're kind ofexperiencing on a day-to-day
level while we're in an abusiverelationship and then when we're
trying to come out of theabusive relationship, that fear
and anxiety really has to beaddressed first before you can
(05:25):
get to the deeper layers ofhealing.
And then, after working withvictims and working on
minimizing their fear andanxiety, the next layer of
healing that would come up wouldbe starting to access really
the grief and the sorrow ofbeing a victim and being trapped
in this situation and also alot of underlying depression,
(05:48):
and you can't really get to thatlayer when you're so consumed
with anxiety and fear.
So it's definitely a deeperlayer of healing and it can
really vary.
How long does it take to get tothat deeper layer?
It can take weeks, it can takemonths, it can take years.
It just depends on each womanhow she's processing her trauma,
(06:09):
how quickly she's movingthrough it, the support system
she has, what she's takingadvantage of.
And then, after the grief anddepression, what I've noticed is
that the third layer of deeperhealing is really like an anger
and frustration, and for a lotof women it's not safe to be
angry around your abuser orwhile you're in an abusive
(06:33):
relationship.
We're used to the abuserexpressing himself through a lot
of anger and so, to try toneutralize the situation, most
women suppress that anger andit's really really deep and a
lot of women are also scared totouch into it because they
equate the anger with the abuserand they don't want to be like
(06:55):
him, you know.
And so the anger just becomesan emotion that's not safe and
they don't want to go there.
And I explain this in the bookas well is that there is a
differentiation of healthy angerwhere, if something terrible
has happened to us, we aretotally justified in having
healthy anger and we might notknow how to express that in a
(07:17):
healthy way because we're in anenvironment with an abuser where
we're always seeing himprojecting his anger in an
unhealthy way, and so it's areally important part of the
healing process and a lot ofwomen are uncomfortable with it
and they want to just skip overthe anger or just pretend it
doesn't exist.
But once you get to thesedeeper layers, it's so important
(07:38):
to touch into that and to beable to heal it.
And then the deepest layer,layer four, once we've, you know
, passed through these otherlayers, is shame and betrayal,
and those are really heavyemotions that can take a lot of
time to process that.
And working with you know atrained counselor, especially
(08:00):
someone who is experienced withdomestic violence, is so key to
be able to identify thesedifferent layers, label them,
process them, give space to healthem.
And I think at that fourthlayer of shame and betrayal.
I think this is where asupportive community can really
(08:22):
help a victim process throughthis faster.
If she's still really isolatedor alienated, then that shame
and betrayal can stay with herfor a lot longer and can keep a
victim, even though she might befree from her abusive situation
, she might be trapped in thatemotion of shame and betrayal,
which is really important forthat healing to occur.
(08:45):
And I don't want it to seem toolinear, so it's not that women
go through these four layers inthis specific sequence.
You can get rid of fear andanxiety and then be in this
layer of shame and betrayal andthen have a new wave of fear and
anxiety that come, and so it'skind of moving through these
different layers in a nonlinearway and knowing that these
(09:07):
emotions are going to fluctuate.
But once there's significanthealing with one layer, you're
able to access a deeper layer ofemotion.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
So you're helping recognize and understand the
emotions, not ignore theemotions.
The emotions are okay.
It's just a matter ofprocessing through and finding a
healthy way to express them.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Absolutely, because most victims feel like they
don't have permission, in anabusive situation or
relationship, to express theiremotions.
That's really what the abuserteaches us is it's not okay for
you to be angry, it's not okayfor you to be sad.
You know like we're not givenpermission to access our
(09:52):
emotions, and so a lot of womensuppress those emotions because
of the conditioning that theyhave from their abuser.
So the healing process is theopposite of that.
We need full permission just toexperience our emotions, to
explore them, to process them,to label them.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
Do your clients typically see you in conjunction
with a therapist at the sametime?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Absolutely so.
Usually when I'm working withvictims with severe trauma, I'm
not a trained psychologist orpsychiatrist, and so I do want
my patients to be seeingsomebody like that and doing
talk therapy at the same time asusing integrative modalities.
That's how we're going to getthe best results, and I found
from therapists who've maybeworked with a trauma victim for
(10:39):
some time and maybe the progressis very slow, but then they see
the patient coming to me andstarting to do acupuncture and
yoga and meditation, and thenthe therapist will also say that
they start progressing muchfaster because there's a lot
more support.
Speaker 1 (10:57):
Okay, so obviously emotional abuse and
psychological abuse can affectyou physically, even with the
absence of the actual physicalcomponent of abuse.
So how do you see that playinto effect the mental and
physicality of the trauma?
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Yeah, that's a great question.
So, as an integrative medicinepractitioner, we believe mind
and body are connected.
We really don't separate them.
Physical symptoms can lead tomental symptoms and vice versa
that there's always thisconnection between them.
And for a lot of victimssometimes they're relating to
(11:36):
just physical symptoms orthey're relating to just
emotional symptoms and they kindof compartmentalize and don't
always see the connectionbetween them.
So for myself, one of thesymptoms that I really
experienced is, after some typeof traumatic, abusive incident,
I'd have a lot of adrenaline inmy system, which is part of that
(11:57):
, that um, fight or flightsyndrome.
Right Is that?
It's a normal response of ourbody to stress, to increase our
heart rate and increase ourblood pressure and increase our
body temperature and, you know,get us moving, get us in action.
And so what I found is that forme, when I got clear that I was
(12:23):
in an abusive marriage whichtook me four years to actually
really label and recognize thatin my seven-year marriage, and
the adrenaline was so strongthat I knew for myself, I
couldn't get the clarity to takethe steps I needed to break
free because there was so muchadrenaline going through me
(12:45):
anxiety, palpitations, insomnia,you know, and I knew unless I
calmed that down, I couldn't bein a position to do anything to
really help myself.
And so I went to myacupuncturist.
And because I was knowledgeableabout treating trauma in my
patients, I couldn't do it formyself.
(13:05):
I knew I needed to go havesomeone else be responsible for
helping me.
But I would go to myacupuncturist and I would tell
them exactly which acupuncturepoint I felt like I needed and,
based on my trauma protocols, itbecame a great experiment for
me to, in real time, see how doI calm down this flood of
(13:27):
adrenaline, get clarity, allowmy system to reset.
And so that's how I startedworking with other victims,
after I was out of my marriageand had taken care of myself.
And I started a clinic in alocal domestic violence center
and offered free acupuncture andjust allowed these women to
(13:48):
come in every week, receivethese treatments, get rid of
that excess adrenaline, calmdown their fear, their anxiety,
their palpitations.
And it also turned into like aweekly support group where women
would just share every weekwith each other, along with me
as the medical practitioner, butthey would share with each
other.
Yeah, this week I startedsleeping for the first time more
(14:09):
than six hours, or this is thefirst week.
I didn't have palpitationsevery single day, I just noticed
some little periods of reliefthroughout the day, and so it
also became empowering for otherwomen to hear these stories and
testimonials of how people wereprogressing through their
healing journeys and seeingsymptoms minimized.
(14:32):
And that's what really allowedthese women who some of them
were still in relationships withtheir abusers, but to get the
clarity of I feel stronger.
I think I can actually takesome steps to start to break
away.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
That's an amazing transformation.
So we always we do talk abouttrauma with domestic violence
and abusive relationships, but Ithink one concept for some
reason is difficult for thosewho get out of those
relationships to grasp is thatthere is a degree of PTSD,
because it almost seems likePTSD is supposed to be reserved
(15:08):
for, you know, people who are inthe military or who have seen
active combat, and I mean it's atraumatic event.
Do you mind discussing a littlebit about some of the signs and
symptoms of PTSD and how thatrelates to domestic violence
victims and survivors?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Ptsd post-traumatic stressdisorder anybody can experience
that.
Who's gone through a traumaticevent.
For some people it might be aone-time event, like 9-11, for
example you know it existed onthis one day but the after
effect of the trauma, of whatyou saw, what you witnessed,
what you experienced, can staywith you for a long time.
With domestic violence, itusually does start as something
(16:07):
smaller and then progresses tosomething that becomes more
intense.
For me, my first incident ofphysical abuse actually started
on our honeymoon and it was asimple argument, but he decided
to then hug me so tightly that Ifelt suffocated.
(16:28):
I couldn't breathe.
His finger marks were on my arm.
I was telling him you'rehugging me too tight.
This doesn't feel okay.
Trying to get him to back off,him not listening to me, and in
my head I had never experiencedanything like that.
I never would have thought tolabel it as abuse, as physical
abuse For me.
(16:49):
I just thought something wentwrong in this conversation.
His reaction was not okay anddid not make me feel okay, and I
verbalized it, but something inhis brain was not listening to
my words and understanding whatI was saying.
That was the way I interpretedit, and for a lot of victims,
(17:11):
these incidences can be socrazy-making and so confusing
because it's not somethingdramatic right away and there
can be a whole range of emotionsand experiences.
And so I think one of theemotions of PTSD that people
minimize is the shock factor andsomething distressing that
(17:35):
happens to you, especially ifit's happening when you least
expect it.
If it's happening by the personthat you love, it's very hard
to understand what is happeningto me or why is this person
behaving this way?
And that shock is, I think,what keeps a lot of women
trapped in the cycle of violenceand as an outsider, people say,
(17:58):
well, why doesn't she justleave?
Or that was something terriblethat just happened, why doesn't
she leave?
But the truth is she might nothave processed what happened,
she might still be in this stateof shock where she can't
understand it, she can't labelit, she can't even talk about it
yet.
So there's a whole range ofemotions, you know.
I think anxiety is one of themost common.
(18:21):
That's easy to identify.
But there's exhaustion can be avery common symptom of PTSD
that women experience.
I know for myself.
There were so many incidencesthat after they happened even
though I might have labeled itas physical abuse in my mind.
I was just too exhausted to doanything or to get help, you
(18:45):
know, and that's a really realsymptom.
So anxiety, stress, shock, thatconstant fight or flight
response, a lot of women becomenumb with certain incidences,
especially if there's certainpatterns that they're
experiencing.
There can be a lot ofhypervigilance.
(19:07):
I know for myself, flashbackswas something I experienced a
lot, where maybe my abuser wasgone for the day and I'm
physically apart for him for 10hours, but I would keep
replaying what happened in mymind over and over and that
wasn't just recent after anincident, it could be months
(19:27):
later, where I'm still rewindingin my head because I'm still
thinking what happened andtrying to make sense of it.
And you know, a lot of womenlook at themselves and say what
could I have done differently,like, how did I trigger him?
You know, and that's also oneof the abuser's tactics is to
make you keep questioningyourself so that you're not
(19:47):
looking at him and understandinghis actions and his intentions
and his motivations.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
And I think it's that gaslighting that can make
recognizing the symptoms of PTSDso difficult because, for
instance, like the insomnia, oneof the ways they can abuse is
causing sleep deprivation.
So then you may think, well, amI just tired because I haven't
been getting enough sleep, or isit a form of some of the
(20:15):
symptoms of PTSD?
So I think it is important tounderstand and recognize that
those are symptoms of actualPTSD.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Absolutely, and it's really hard for the average
person to be able to recognizethat and label it.
This is where having somebodyon the outside, a third party, a
therapist, who would be idealat recognizing these symptoms.
But a lot of women are soisolated that they're not
getting help for themselves.
(20:44):
So even just having a trustedfriend, they might not be an
abuse expert, but just beingable to talk about what you're
experiencing, most friends wouldbe able to tell you that
doesn't sound right, that's notokay.
What he's doing, that's not anormal response, and so that's
why that's one of the abuser'stactics to isolate their victims
(21:06):
, because they don't want you toget feedback from the outside.
They don't want their actionsto be labeled and understood as
abuse.
They want to keep you in aplace where you're constantly
confused.
And so the more I think we cando to educate women before they
even start dating, and thenhealthy dating practices, and
(21:29):
then before you even enter intoa marriage, we need to
understand and be educated inwhat are healthy relationships,
so we know what to look out for,all the red flags that aren't,
and then for us to be educatedon PTSD as well if we start to
experience any of these range ofsymptoms.
That should be kind of an alarmbell where we question
(21:52):
ourselves and we try to go andget help at that point.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
I think label is a key word because I think, how
you mentioned, it was difficultfor you to really comprehend if
comprehend not even comprehend,but admit what was happening.
The same goes for me.
I knew the symptoms, I knewsigns and I knew what it
probably was that I was in, butI couldn't put that label of
abuse on it because then thatwouldn't mean I'd have to admit
(22:20):
that I was a victim and I wasn'tready to get to that point yet.
So I think label is a reallykey word there.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Absolutely, and I think that's really the hangup
for so many women is that youknow there's a stereotype of
what a domestic violence victimis, and many of us are aware of
that stereotype but none of uswant to identify with that.
You know, and we have such adifferent range of experiences
of how long the relationship'sbeen, how severe it's been, how
(22:50):
many different types of abuseare coming into play, and so I
think that that label is one ofthe hardest things to get to
that point.
So I know for myself, eventhough I was a trauma specialist
and had been working withvictims of trauma for many, many
years, it was still really hardfor me to label myself as a
(23:13):
trauma victim and understand thesymptoms that I was having.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Oh, I definitely get that.
So once an individual is ableto understand what is happening
to them emotionally plus minusphysically, what does the
healing portion look like?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
That's a great question.
So I think this is going to bedifferent for everybody in terms
of what you're open to, whatyou have access to.
A lot of integrative medicinetherapies are expensive,
unfortunately, so that can be avariable for some women in terms
of getting access.
For myself, I really fell toacupuncture as one of the most
(24:02):
powerful ways to affect mind andbody.
Very strong influence on thenervous system.
It got me out of thatadrenaline right away so I could
experience.
You know, an hour after myacupuncture treatment I would
just feel so mentally clear andthen that's when I would go to
the local DV center or call upmy attorney or start reaching
(24:23):
out to people and I just feltempowered after every session
because I felt so much moreclear in my mind about the steps
I needed to take and itdiminished my fear and anxiety
enough for me to start to takeaction.
Yoga therapy, or just yoga ingeneral, is such a great way for
(24:46):
women to start to get in touchwith their body, their breath,
building that self-awareness,because as we're experiencing
more physical violence and weget really numb or go into
denial, there's a lot of beingout of touch with our bodies,
and so yoga massage is a greatway to once again receive
(25:08):
healing, loving touch.
For some women, the massagemight be too big of a jump
because they're not ready yet tobe touched by someone.
So it's really important tojust recognize where you are,
what you're comfortable with.
We never really want to pushsomeone to go past their comfort
zone, and so it's really aboutbeing able to listen to yourself
(25:29):
, honor yourself, figure outwhat is it that I need that's
going to help me.
Meditation you know there'slots of free apps that people
can access now, and so justbeing able to do a five-minute,
10-minute meditation practice aday to help you get centered,
feel balanced, feel calm, feelgrounded, can be really helpful
(25:53):
to start to break that pattern.
There's lots of other modalitiesout there besides just the ones
that I practice or the onesthat I've named, that I practice
or the ones that I've named.
Aromatherapy using essentialoils is also a lovely way to
just instantly smell somethingthat's pleasing, calms the
nervous system down.
(26:14):
Lavender, for example, is greatfor anxiety, but there's many
other essential oils out thereto experiment with.
There's herbal medicine thatcan also help with a lot of the
PTSD symptoms, but this issomething you don't want to
self-prescribe.
You want to really go to apractitioner that understands
(26:34):
herbs whether it's anacupuncturist with Chinese herbs
, an Ayurvedic doctor withAyurvedic herbs, a naturopath
that can work with Western herbssomeone who's really
specialized with that who canhelp you with the right
prescription and combination isgoing to be important.
Craniosacral is a wonderfulmodality.
(26:56):
That's not exactly massage oracupressure, but it really can
help with head, neck, spinaltrauma.
So any of my patients that havechronic headaches and migraines
which a lot of trauma victimsdo, I'll recommend that they do
craniosacral.
And then also just looking atthings like even martial arts
(27:20):
for women to take a self-defenseclass, take a martial arts
class.
It's just a way of physicallyonce again developing that body
awareness but starting to feelmore empowered in your body
after years of neglect or abusewhere you become so
disassociated from your physicalself.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
You mention in the book the five layers of the
healing process.
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
So that journey of healing and recovery, once again
it's so different for everybodyin terms of when are they open
to it, the support system, themodalities that they choose.
But what I have found is that,specifically for domestic
violence victims of trauma, thatthese five layers to the
(28:09):
healing process are once againwhat I experienced myself and
what I've seen in all thevictims that I've worked with.
And so the first step in thehealing process, I think, is to
really face our heartbreak.
You know, for a lot women itcould be the ending of a
marriage.
Divorce can be traumatizing.
For people who don't have abusein their marriage as well, it's
(28:32):
a big chapter of your lifeending.
It's a big life commitment thatyou maybe had expectations and
ideals for, and the disillusionof any marriage relationship can
be a huge heartbreak.
And so a lot of victims lovedtheir abusers, loved their
partners.
That emotion was real and it'simportant to acknowledge that
(28:56):
it's okay to still feel thislove for someone but also
recognize I am not safe aroundthat person and that heartbreak
can take a long time to grieveand to process.
But a lot of women kind of skipover that step and so I have to
coach them about going back tothat first step, that layer of
(29:16):
healing, and just recognizingtheir heartbreak and being
honest about that.
And then I think the secondstep in this layer to healing is
really accepting and processingthe victimization.
So we talked about before howit was hard for both of us to
label what we were going throughand label ourselves as a victim
because of the stigma, thestereotype of that and, I think,
(29:41):
being really clear about whatdoes it mean to be a victim?
But then also understanding,once you label yourself as a
victim, you don't have to staystuck there.
The pathway of healing is to gofrom victim to survivor, and
all of us have that possibilityof going through that
transformation.
(30:02):
But it really does takeaccepting that you are a victim
and then processing what thatmeans.
And so for myself, when I wrotethis book, the Power to Break
Free, I had a lot of contentthat didn't fit into the book,
and so I created a companiontrauma workbook that goes
through all these differentexercises for women to process
(30:25):
their trauma, and you know it'sliterally lists and uh things
such as unhealthy relationships,where you go through and you
checkmark all the things thatapply to you.
And as I was going throughthese exercises, even though I
had reached the step of labelingmyself as a victim.
I would go through theseexercises in the trauma workbook
(30:47):
and it would just make merealize deeper and deeper how
far I had fallen as a victim andall of his tactics and his
master strategy, and thateverything was very well
calculated on his part and verysystematic to make me weaker, to
(31:07):
make me question myself, tomake me not want to reach out to
people, to make me ashamed.
And so the trauma workbook wasessentially realizing that
labeling yourself as a victim isnot enough.
Going through these exercisesto process how you were a victim
(31:28):
and to make you see your abuserfor really who he is is someone
who has systematically brokenyou down, weakened you.
You know that was reallyimportant for me to see with
more clarity everything that Ihad gone through.
The next third layer is nowthat you have started to process
(31:53):
your victimization.
You have to start coping withall the different layers of your
wounding.
You know all the emotionaltrauma that you've gone through,
and we mentioned this beforethe four layers of fear and
anxiety, grief and depression,anger and frustration, shame and
betrayal.
And so this is where you'rereally getting into the thick of
(32:13):
it and going through that wholerange of emotions and starting
to come up with your own copingmechanisms, your own processing,
your own understanding.
And after you've done that is,I think, layer four in this
healing journey is practicingforgiveness.
And I want to take a moment tojust clarify what I mean about
(32:37):
this, because I think there's alot of pressure that's put on
people to forgive the abuser,whether it's through friends and
family, whether it's throughreligious figures in your life.
But the real forgiveness herethat I'm talking about is for a
victim to forgive herself thatshe got herself into the
(32:57):
situation and for her to notblame herself for not being able
to anticipate that this partnerwas going to be abusive,
especially when he might nothave shown any of those signs.
When you were dating, you knowhe might've been the
stereotypical, charming personthat won you over, won your
(33:19):
family and friends over, and soit's really that forgiveness for
yourself that's the mostimportant.
Whether someone chooses toforgive their abuser or not, I
think that really depends onwhether you think they deserve
to be forgiven for all thethings that they've done, and
for some victims, they mightdecide he doesn't deserve to be
forgiven for all the things thatthey've done and for some
victims, they might decide hedoesn't deserve to be forgiven
(33:40):
for what he did, and theyshouldn't be shamed into
thinking that's not okay.
That's their call, and onlytheir call, whether they can do
that.
And then the fifth layer in thehealing process is really
embracing your transformationand empowerment.
And so this is something formyself that I couldn't start to
(34:03):
embrace, that while I was havinganxiety and flashbacks, and
it's definitely something thatcomes later.
A lot of people think, okay,you've left your abuser.
Now you've gotten your divorce,you should instantly be a
happier person and transformed.
And it's like, no, that takestime.
It is a healing journey andthat's going to really vary for
(34:25):
each victim in terms or eachsurvivor, I should say, at this
point, of what they're doing totake care of themselves.
And I remember my therapist, youknow, when I was going through
this divorce process and I'mlike, okay, I'm done with the
divorce, now I just want to beover this chapter of my life and
I want to feel great in like amonth.
(34:46):
And she's like Anisha, it'sgoing to take some time, you
know.
And she said you're going tofeel better each month, you're
going to feel there'stransformation.
And she said each year you'regoing to feel there's
transformation.
And she said each year you'regoing to feel that there's
transformation.
I'm like I don't want to take awhole year to heal and feel
better.
And she's like you can't rushthis.
It is something that's going totake time, and now I realize
(35:10):
that it did take.
Like each year, after mydivorce, I felt more clear, I
felt more grounded, I felt moreconfident, but it definitely was
a process that took time andthe first couple of months are
the most intense.
But then after that, I still dothink it takes a couple years,
even being super vigilant aboutyour healing, to really
(35:33):
understand what you have comeout of, to really understand
what you have come out of.
Speaker 1 (35:37):
I can identify with that.
So much I will say for mepersonally.
I thought you know, definitelycelebrate all the steps that
like, every step that you havetowards your healing.
That's great.
But it was like I'd have alittle tiny baby step and I'm
like I'm good, I'm, I'm, youknow, I'm now, I'm empowered.
I took a lot of intensivetherapy for me to get back to
(36:00):
the heartbreak part.
So I was trying to jump aheadto everything else and it didn't
take me until one of the lastsessions of I did EMDR to
realize that I loved my abuser.
And it was in my head.
I had convinced myself that Iwas too smart of an individual
(36:22):
to end up in a relationship likethat.
So I must have faked that Iloved him.
I didn't truly I was, forwhatever reason decided I used
him to pretend I was in love orsomething, him for to pretend I
(36:42):
was in love or something.
And so I hit the heartbreakpart a long time after the
relationship had ended and I wasout of it.
So that is interesting how youyou mentioned all of that.
Uh, there was the other um,forgiveness.
That was a tough one andself-forgiveness is very
difficult because I found iteasier to blame myself for a lot
of what happened than to blamehim.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
Absolutely, and I think that's where most victims
get stuck, honestly, is there isso much self-blame.
But that's also part of theabuser's conditioning, you know,
and so it takes time torecognize those tactics and then
to see am I just beating myselfup?
The same way my abuser is, youknow, and it took for myself the
(37:26):
help of a very skilledtherapist to help me see those
patterns.
What am I doing?
You know that is blocking myhealing because I'm kind of
mimicking my abuser, blamingmyself or shaming myself.
And so it's really important togive yourself that permission
of time to process all of thesethings, to go at your own pace,
(37:50):
to continue to get support fromhealers on the outside, from
developing your community ofsupport, friends and family, but
understanding that this is areally difficult, challenging
but can also be a reallybeautiful journey.
So, over the years of justworking with trauma victims, I
(38:12):
will say, as a practitioner,what has been most fulfilling
for me is to see thetransformation that is always
possible if we open up to thehealing that that's really there
for us.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
And it's important in every stage.
Do you want to just talk alittle bit more about just
general self-care and what to doand how important it is and
what effects it has, whatpositive effects it can have?
Speaker 2 (38:45):
Absolutely so.
I think self-care is somethingthat women in general tend to
neglect not just trauma victims,but, I think, women in general.
You know we're busy being wivesand mothers and daughters and
there's so much responsibilityand multitasking and just
juggling life right.
(39:06):
Life in general can just beoverwhelming and keep us super
busy, and so I think everybodyneeds self-care in their life,
regardless of your background orwhat is going on.
But for trauma victims inparticular, I think it's really
important to have some type of adaily practice that allows you
(39:29):
to feel centered, to feelgrounded, to feel empowered, and
so a lot of victims.
I start with just five minutes aday.
Can you commit to just fiveminutes a day of closing your
eyes and breathing or listeningto a meditation app and doing
something for five minutes?
Maybe it's five minutes of justlike sitting out in the sun,
(39:51):
five minutes of journaling.
Maybe it's five minutes ofdoing like a self-massage and
working on an area of your bodythat's particularly tight or
tense, but just opening up tothat, that shows that you matter
, that it's worth it to takethis time for yourself.
(40:11):
Everything the abuser conditionsyou to believe is that you're
not worth it.
You can't take this time.
All of your energy should, infact, be turned towards him
right and making his life better.
And so to break away from thatand to acknowledge yourself that
I deserve this, I am worthy ofthis, I need.
(40:32):
This is so empowering, and sofive minutes might just be very
small in the span of your day,but it can start to just
transform how you're feelinginside.
It can start to just make awoman feel like it matters how I
feel, it matters what I'm goingthrough, because we're
(40:52):
conditioned for so long to benumb to what we're feeling.
So that's what I usually coachmost of my patients is to just
start to create that dailyritual, whatever it might be,
commit to the five minutes andthen, week by week, you can
start to expand that amount oftime and go to 10 minutes and
(41:13):
the next week 15 minutes, andideally at least an hour a day
is recommended for all of mypatients, even the ones who are
not trauma victims, and itdoesn't have to be one hour all
at the same time.
It might be a 30-minute walk inthe morning, it might be 30
minutes of like taking a bubblebath at night with some candles,
(41:34):
just whatever it is that makesyou feel like you are taking
care of yourself and you areworth it.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
That's such good information.
I think we had a lot of reallygood topics.
Is there anything else that youwanted to add?
Speaker 2 (41:51):
I think we did cover a lot.
I think I would just end ourconversation, you know, saying
to all the women out there thatare listening to this, wherever
you might be in your journeymaybe you've just entered into a
relationship and there's a lotof red flags and you don't know
what to do yet Maybe you've beena victim in an abusive
relationship for a while.
(42:13):
Maybe you are taking the stepsto get out of that abusive
relationship.
Maybe you've been a survivorfor a while.
Maybe you are taking the stepsto get out of that abusive
relationship.
Maybe you've been a survivorfor a while.
There could be women on all endsof the spectrum that are
listening to this conversation,but I would want to just tell
each and every person out therethat all of you deserve to find
(42:34):
the healing that you need.
All of you deserve to have alife of freedom, of happiness,
of being able to find your lifepurpose and joy, and it's not
worth it to cut yourself shortof that because you might be in
an abusive relationship that'sholding you back.
(42:57):
You really owe it to yourselfto find your own inner happiness
and know that's not going tocome from anybody else, and to
also just trust your healingjourney.
That healing takes time.
It happens one day at a time,one step at a time.
Just trust the process, becauseas soon as you open up to that
healing journey, you will alwayscontinue to grow and thrive and
(43:22):
experience more healing, andall of you deserve that.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
That's so beautifully said and so inspirational and
hopeful.
Thank you so much, dr Anisha,for taking your time to be with
me today, and then next weekyou're coming back for another
episode, absolutely.
Thank you so for taking yourtime to be with me today, and
then next week you're comingback for another episode,
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
Thank you so much for your time.
It's been such a joy to talkabout this and go deeper into
healing with you.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
I would like to thank Dr Anisha again for joining me
today and thank you forlistening.
I have included the links to DrAnisha's 1 in 3 profile, as
well as additional links she hasshared in the show notes.
I will be back next week withpart two of my interview with Dr
Anisha, in which she discussescultural challenges,
(44:06):
specifically the Indianculture's influence in
navigating domestic violence.
Until then, stay strong and,wherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone.
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website1in3podcastcom that's the number
(44:28):
1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast To help me out.
Please remember to rate, reviewand subscribe.
1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
©.
Transcript Emily Beynon.
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