March 5, 2025 • 37 mins
Discover the art of thriving amidst the challenges of high-conflict co-parenting in this engaging episode featuring insights from Marisol, a co-parenting coach with firsthand experience. Uncover practical strategies for maintaining your identity as a parent while ensuring your kids have a balanced relationship with both parents. We delve into the importance of stepping back and letting kids navigate their time with their other parent, alongside the emotional hurdles that come with independence.
As we explore the fine line between emotional support and parental roles, Marisol encourages parents to prioritize self-worth and re-engage with their interests outside motherhood. Communicating effectively with an ex-partner is another essential aspect we cover, introducing techniques to reduce emotional upheaval during difficult discussions.
Finding a supportive community during these tough times can make all the difference; Marisol shares details about resources that uplift and empower single parents. Tune in to learn how to not just survive but flourish as a co-parent, reinforcing the message that you are not alone on this journey. Together, we can foster healthier relationships and, ultimately, a better environment for the children we love.
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Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Marisol, Welcome back.
Thank you again for joining me.
Thank you for having me.
So last episode we talked aboutco-parenting and what the
definitions are and the impactit has on you as the other
parent and on the children.
So today let's talk about howdo you get through it, how do
(00:23):
you survive high-conflictco-parenting.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
So the best way that I there's three different steps
that I actually ended up, ormore like tips that I ended up
creating through an e-book thatI created last year.
And, honestly, the step thee-book that I created is called
um, something I think I forgotwhat the title I that I made for
(00:47):
it, but it's I had to do with,like the mistake at its core.
It's the mistakes that I madethat I feel I had to later on
fix because I was.
You know, when you're quotehigh conflict co-parenting,
there's a lot of things that youdon't know how to handle when
you're in it, and then you'realways wondering, well, did I do
this right?
Did I do this wrong?
How is it affecting my child?
(01:09):
How is it affecting me?
How long is it going to last?
So you have all of thesequestions and then you're
looking at it and you're like,oh, my goodness, how is this
going to work?
So I ended up coming down withthree things that I feel help a
lot in high conflictco-parenting, and I don't know
if you want me to just go one byone, or how would you like to
(01:30):
do that?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
I think that, yeah, let's do it that way.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
The first one was when, depending on the time that
they get the other parent, Iwould highly suggest not to
control their time.
Don't control their time, youknow.
Whatever it is that they wantto do with the child when
they're on their time, let thatbe, even even if you don't agree
(01:53):
with it, even if you'relistening to it and you're like,
what are they doing?
You know, because they're goingto do things that are going to
just leave you perplexed andsome of those things might
actually be sometimes, you know,questionable towards the kids.
You know some of them may merit, you know, a court hearing.
You don't, you won't know untilyou move forward with it, you
(02:13):
know, but one of the things Ihad to learn was to let the time
that they have with the child,with their child, let that be it
.
You know what I mean.
Let it, let it just roll, youknow, but it was really hard be
it.
You know what I mean.
Let it, let it just roll, youknow, but it was really hard.
It was really hard to actuallybe able to do that, and in my
ebook I actually have like ajournal section of you know
where you can work through andprocess, um, how to let that go,
(02:35):
because, as moms, honestly, itwas very strange for me, um,
once my daughter's father got 50, 50 to not have an involvement
in my daughter's life.
My daughter literally had awhole separate life that I had
no clue about.
She had her own friends on thatside.
They did activities that I wasnot being part of.
They had birthdays I was neverprivy to.
(02:58):
She had a whole different lifethat I never really knew about.
And, as a mom, not only did wenot sign up for that, but it's a
little bit heartbreakingbecause we're mom and you're
like how do I not, how am I notinvolved in that?
Right?
So there has to be like acertain level of like um
boundary.
You know, not only the boundaryfor your child to develop a
(03:20):
relationship with their fatheryou know, um, as you know, as
they get older but then aboundary for yourself because at
the same time, you can't reallybe trying to trying to control
what they're doing on their time.
You know.
So it's a really hard take todo, but it helped me get more of
like, percept, like be aperspective of what wasn't mine
(03:42):
anymore, but it took me a whileto actually let it go.
The second one is I know it'sgoing to sound harsh, but, like
we, as single moms, we put somuch of our identity into being
a single mom, so I haveconcluded recently that we need
to get a life outside of ourkids.
(04:03):
What are you?
Speaker 1 (04:04):
telling me here.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I need to leave the house.
I am doing the same thing evennow, and my kids are already
older.
You know what I mean.
Like I'm looking at my life andI'm like, okay, so who am I
beyond being a single mom?
You know we do so muchsurrounding that role.
We pick careers based on ourkids' school schedules.
We, you know, pick schoolsbased on scheduling.
That you know what I mean.
(04:27):
We do so many logistics torevolve around that role.
So when your kids are not withyou, you got to find out what
else did you love doing beforeyou even had kids and bring it
back in.
Did you like dancing?
Did you like singing?
I love to do both.
Did you love to write?
Did you love?
Like yourself, you're doing thepodcast.
(04:48):
That's a great way to have anoutlet that's just yours,
because so many of us, ouridentity, is so centered on
being a single mom and at somepoint, even though you're in the
thick of it, it's going tochange and it's going to morph
into your kids at some point,moving out and they're going to.
And that's like I said, it'sgoing to change and it's going
to morph into your kids at somepoint, moving out and they're
going to, and that's like I said, it's a natural way of things,
(05:09):
but it doesn't hurt any less.
So, even though you're goingtowards, you know your kids are
eventually leaving, because Idon't know if you guys know, but
they're going to leave Is themother.
The parent role actually is oneof the hardest things that I
have ever encountered, becauseyou're essentially preparing
(05:29):
these human beings to leave you.
Like you know what I mean, likeyou're trying to work through
things, trying to, you know,build communication, build the
bond, but at some point they'regoing to leave, you know.
So I really recommend findingother things that you can do
that that keep you intact, andactually those things will help
too.
Whenever you're going to thehigh conflict co-parenting thing
(05:51):
and you're hearing all of thisgarbage about yourself, right,
you know, cause they're callingyou names, they're doing this
shady thing this other day thatyou're like, how do you have
time for that?
You know, cause my, mydaughter's dad, had a lot of
time for a lot of shady stuff.
So, um, you're doing all thesethings and um, so you got to
figure out how to still have asomewhat of an interest, um, in
(06:15):
doing things that you love, youknow, and, and it's okay to do
things that you love, even ifit's, like you know, free at no
charge, or, you know, sometimescommunities have things like
that.
The last one that I made a hugemistake on it was not using
(06:38):
your kids as emotional support.
That one's hard.
That one's hard because I thinkwhen you're a single mom
sometimes especially like formyself right now I don't have a
partner, so you rely on a lot onyour kids.
You know through talking,through talking about your day,
through you know like and ifyou're really do get along with
your kids because of this bondthat you're building, especially
(06:58):
if now they know what their dadis, there's a certain dynamic
that now stems.
That now is more highlightedbecause now they know and you
kind of sort of bond over it,but at the same time it's like
they're still too young to beyour friend.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Right and there's that appropriate level of like
how much emotional dumping.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Can I do how?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
much?
Do you tell them?
How much emotional dumping canI?
Speaker 2 (07:24):
do so.
Get a therapist, ladies.
The kids are not our therapist.
I love my son because he's likemy biggest cheerleader, but at
the same time I need to makesome friends that can cheerlead
me too.
I need woman friends.
So there has to be a boundaryset with how much we should
(07:45):
share with our kids, even ifthey are emotionally intelligent
, and how much.
How much of that you should beprocessing in therapy and then
how much of you know justbasically how to create a
boundary, that way they're notfeeling like they're carrying
the weight of like being youremotional support.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
It's too much on a kid.
They're too young, right, andyou don't want them to end up
going to therapy because of allthe emotional trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Their mom put them through Right Exactly and, like
I said, these tips I literallycreated them because they're
mistakes that I have made thatI'm still sorting through.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Parenting in general.
Again, when you're in atraditional relationship, you're
constantly reeval relationship.
You're constantly reevaluatingwhat you're doing and trying to
be a better parent.
So naturally, when you're nowseparate and in a high conflicts
co-parenting relationship,there's a lot that you're going
to look back on and say, oh,maybe I shouldn't have done that
(08:41):
.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, and it takes a special level of like humbleness
too, to be able to recognizethat, because I don't think we
as parents sometimes want tohear how we messed up.
Right, it's very uncomfortableto hear, you know, and my kids
got older and they're prettyvocal when I have messed up and
it makes me really uncomfortable.
(09:02):
But it's also an opportunity toreally reframe or stop doing
certain behaviors or stoptalking a certain way or what.
You know what I mean.
Like it's a, it's a way tostill help your child be seen,
even if it's uncomfortable.
That's literally howrelationships grow.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Right, yeah, absolutely so.
What happens when you have tocommunicate with the other
parents, and how do you do thatwithout getting yourself
triggered to become an emotionalwreck or Right or send the
(09:42):
landmines they send or send thelandmines they send Right, right
.
How do you not respond?
Because you know sometimesthey're doing it, because they
are baiting you.
They know how to get under yourskin.
So how do you effectively?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
communicate the needs of your child without getting
sucked in to their bait.
So I think it just depends onthe context of the email, if
they're sending it or if you'resending it.
I highly recommend that.
If you are in a high conflictsituation, the dynamic that
whenever I listen to women whoare in high conflict dynamics
and they're still texting andcalling and emailing directly, I
(10:27):
cringe, or like I just it makesme nervous because you're
opening yourself up to so muchharassment.
That's essentially what it is.
Some of these people willharass you, you know, and
they'll harass you for stupidthings too.
So, in terms of thecommunication, if you're sending
it out, it's just better tojust stay matter of fact and not
include anything that would youknow, nothing inflammatory,
(10:51):
like you know, for example.
Well, you know, do you rememberwhen you did this in 2000,?
Like you know 20 and well,let's not do that again and
we're going to do this instead.
Like you have to kind of likereward it so that it's not so
accusatory.
Especially if you're dealingwith a high conflict person,
they tend to be pretty defensive.
So you want to, you want tosound flat and unemotional If
(11:14):
you are on the receiving end ofa email that you, that it's,
they're typically very long.
From my understanding and frommy own personal experience, if
you are receiving an email where, um, they're just having at it
and just bashing you to, youknow, to another degree that is
(11:37):
also triggering for you.
You know cause it can be verytriggering If you're just being
bashed and you're looking at itand you extract to see, um, if
the email needs to be respondedto, if there's anything on there
that pertains to your childthat maybe you need to address,
if he's just rehashing stufffrom whatever he thinks of you
(11:58):
that you did while you weretogether, that does not require
a response.
If, basically, you got toanalyze the, you have to be in
the mental space to try to be ina mental space to respond to it
.
And if it doesn't meet like thecriteria of it being responded
to, I would not respond at all,or you can just write the words
(12:21):
duly noted.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
That's what I've heard friends have used.
I used to do that a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
And eventually my daughter's dad ended up really
hating it, to the point that heactually would tell our daughter
how much he hated it, that hewas sending these lengthy emails
of what a horrible mom I am orwhat he thought, or whatever I
did back in 2004 that now he'slike somehow tying to current
stuff.
It was really annoying anddraining.
(12:50):
So there's a lot of circularthinking happening.
So whenever I would get theemails, I started dissecting
them to see if I really neededto respond to something that was
court-related that my daughterneeded or yeah, that's pretty
much it.
Anything else that revolvedaround bashing me, it usually
(13:11):
got a duly noted or a noted.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Okay, yeah, and that makes sense, because you're
shutting it down.
How does somebody else respondto that?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Right.
And then the reason that Iended up starting to even do
that.
I forgot how I got that ideafrom.
I ended up having to look moreinto how he was talking to me
because, number one, the courtsweren't helping, even though we
were on our family wizard.
Family wizard was ordered forus because of the high conflict
scenario, but it became anothermeans for him to continue to
(13:44):
verbally abuse me.
I would submit those to thecourts and the courts didn't
really view it as a concern,even though it was, you know,
slowly, incrementally becomingmore like, you know, really
unnecessary, you know.
So I started looking into theseemails and I remember one time
he emailed me and he was like onFamily Wizard and he flat out
told me I don't care what kindof conversation we're having,
(14:09):
communication we're having, Ijust want to make sure that
we're still communicating.
And when he said that I waslike ew, like this is so toxic
and you still want to keepconversing, like this has like
no value at all.
And that's when I went lookingfor other methods of not
(14:29):
engaging and I went looking forgray rock.
You know, um, have you heard ofgray rock?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
before I have.
But do you mind just explainingthat, because that's not.
It's a term that's familiar tosome, but not everyone.
So my understanding, um, and Ihaven't used gray rock in a hot
minute now, but do you mind?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
just explaining that Because it's a term that's
familiar to some but noteveryone.
So my understanding and Ihaven't used Grey Rock in a hot
minute now, but my understandingis that Grey Rock is when
you're in a difficult situationwith someone who is toxic or
difficult because there'sdifferent levels of toxicity you
basically don't sound asexciting as having to engage in
the conflict.
If they're inviting you to theconflict don't sound as exciting
as like having to engage in theconflict.
Like if they're inviting you tothe conflict, don't engage.
(15:01):
You know, or you're very short,you're very flat with your
answers.
You know, and that's kind of howI understood it when I was
using it and eventually theemails did become less frequent,
you know, in terms of himengaging with me, but it wasn't
just the emails, it was, youknow, we, I didn't just do that,
(15:24):
I did other things to basicallyI wouldn't say get rid of them,
but just to stop that type ofbehavior coming my way.
You know, um, but it helped.
It helped to constantly write,duly noted, and I and to my
knowledge they did not like that.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Which is kind of a win in itself.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Well, I kind of just became very.
Apparently they don't likeboring people.
You know they don't like itwhen you don't engage, so I
stopped engaging.
I always wanted to like defendmyself and go tell them my truth
and go you and go counterwhatever he's saying about me.
I stopped caring.
I stopped caring about himthinking I'm a terrible mom.
(16:07):
I stopped caring about himtrying to send me an email.
Oh, if you don't do this, I'mtaking you to court.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay, Right, and that's brilliant advice, because
these are individuals that youcan't argue with, you can't
rationalize anything, you can'twin.
You're just going to keep goingin a circle where they will
continue to verbally abuse youor insult you or whatever, and
you're going to constantly beleft in this loop of trying to
(16:38):
feel that you need to defendyourself.
But yeah, if you just gray rockthem and not engage, I think
that's the best thing you can do, because you're not going to
change their mind or changetheir opinion about you?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Yeah, you're not.
And the thing with two is thatwhen you're in it and you start
learning these things that we'retalking about, don't think that
number one that the things aregoing to change immediately,
because you've probably been atthis for a while.
Number two don't be surprisedif you actually do take the bait
one day and you're like, ohshoot, I'm back in it.
(17:11):
It's more like a habit that youhave to develop with time.
You know what I mean.
Like these strategies of youknow how not to engage.
They're developed with time.
You know what I mean.
Like these strategies of youknow how not to engage there.
They're developed with time.
You know, usually with highconflict, the conflict has been
going on for such a long periodof time that at some point, it's
you who has to change yourbehavior and how you engage in
(17:32):
the conflict in order for thereto be a change.
You know so.
And there was times where I didget baited, even after I knew
about gray rock and was intherapy and, you know, did all
the anger management, I stillwas baited, you know, and I
still fell for it.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And I was like and I would have to reframe and check
myself and I'm like oh shoot,I'm back in there with you again
you know, well, and it's yeah,and it's frustrating because you
get out of these relationshipsand you think, okay, I'm out,
I'm good, we'll co parent.
I know how I'm supposed toco-parent, they should do the
same.
And then you have thisexperience and it's frustrating
(18:08):
because you have to change yourreaction.
So it's almost like why do Ialways have to be the person who
makes the changes?
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Well, the most simplified answer for that is
that when you do change that, itactually helps you with your
kids, because once you start notputting so much focus and
energy on the conflict with thefather or we'll just say father
(18:37):
you will then be able to kind oftrain yourself to be okay, to
listen to things about him.
I know that with my daughter I,my mentality and how I view I
eventually would end up not, youknow, not having that much of a
reaction over the emails.
Um, I focused more ondeveloping a relationship with
(18:58):
her and then, through my angermanagement classes that were
free, through the community thatI lived in, I created a space
for my daughter where she couldtalk about whatever she saw fit
that I should know about orwhatever she felt comfortable
sharing with me, whether it beeven something nice about dad
you know.
Like like you know he lovescooking.
(19:19):
You know what I mean.
Like that way I didn't feelthis level of like internal hate
.
So my daughter got reallycomfortable just sharing little
minuscule you know details aboutthem, without me feeling so
upset by hearing even themention of their name, you know.
So it in essence just helped medevelop better, not just coping
(19:43):
skills with those emails.
But it also helped me have adifferent relationship with my
kid, because now, I mean,whenever they're mentioned, I
can definitely, just, you know,listen to my kid's experience
because they have an experiencewith their dad, right.
So listen to my kids'experience because they're, they
have an experience with theirdad, right?
So you know, and and the truthof the matter is, is that our
(20:06):
kids are going to havecharacteristics of their other
parent, you know, so they're,they're the other parent you
know.
So, knowing that, you know, asa it's like it kind of went in a
different direction becausewe're talking about emails, but
it's all connected.
It's all connected because,essentially, it helped me
develop a better relationshipwith my kid.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Well, and I think being able to emotionally step
back from a response, it helpsyou.
Also when your kid comes homeand says mom or dad said this
about you and instead of gettinglike flipping out in front of
your kid, that was me actually,I actually hated Wednesdays
because that's a day that wewould switch over custody.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
I never knew what she was going to bring over and I
used to hate them because Ididn't know what thing they were
going to be.
You know that had beendiscussed about me, how I was
being bashed or what negativelight I was being portrayed on,
you know.
So I didn't like Wednesdays fora long time, you know, but
eventually it ended up changing.
(21:04):
It changed and a lot of it camefrom me looking up for
resources and also, um, me goingto therapy, you know, and and
then implementing it.
And a lot of it was actually,um, trial and error, like I was
hoping this would work.
Maybe it did, and I wasconstantly adjusting, you know,
like to see if things wouldimprove.
And a lot of the improve Ididn't even really look at his.
(21:28):
I didn't even look at it to seeif he was improving.
I, that's not really my concern.
I was trying to see how I canimprove with my kid.
That's what I was concernedwith.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Because ultimately, that's the important thing is
how your children what's theword?
Evolve, I guess, through therelationship.
So you have taken yourexperience and your background
and you now offer coachingservices.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
for this right, yes, I am now a high conflict
co-parenting coach and a lot ofit stems from having two kids
with two different dads.
I managed at some point twochild custody cases, two child
support and my longest custodybattle was for my daughter.
It stemmed for almost a decade.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
So I know we're going to talk about some other legal
options and things.
We're going to talk about someother like legal options and
things.
But since we're on thatcoaching topic, how, if somebody
wanted to get to you and askyou for some coaching services,
how do they do that?
You?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
could just find me at Marisol Vasquez official and
then I have a link tree on thereand they can do.
I have a coaching.
The coaching session sessionscan be booked through there.
But then I also have some freeservices.
I do have an online supportgroup called Empowered Mom
Circle and it's just focused onhigh conflict, co-parenting and
just supporting moms through it,just basically getting through
(22:52):
it.
It's not going to necessarilysolve all the problems, but I
developed it because I rememberwhen I was in it I felt so alone
.
I literally felt like I was theonly one going through it.
So that's how my, my, um, mysupport group started.
And then the second portion isthat my ebook is on there too
and it does help with umco-parenting strategies in terms
of helping um, the tips that Imentioned earlier.
(23:13):
They're actually in the book.
And then um, along with somejournaling, just so that you can
kind of start turning things ina different direction.
That might that might not.
That's not going to change yourex Let me just be upfront.
It's not about him or her, youknow.
It's more about how do you gainsome peace through this chaos
that can also safeguard yourrelationship with your kids.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And that's so important, and I'll include
those links in the show notes.
So, speaking of support, sowhat kind of support is there
out there for?
Are developing either podcastsor even Instagram?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
accounts, just talking about their experiences.
So a lot of us are on there,you know, talking about how real
this is, because I think Idon't think it gets enough
(24:13):
publicity.
I would say, you know, you knowwhat I mean.
Like these are children thatare being affected by an abuser,
and then not only that, when wego to court it doesn't really
solve anything, it usually willmake it worse.
So that's when post-separationabuse comes in, you know.
(24:34):
So the problem didn't reallyget resolved, it just got
extended to a different entity.
So I used to be really upsetand never understood why there's
not more like highlight on howmuch, on how many kids go to
abuser houses on a daily basisand because they have gained
(24:54):
custody, even though there'sharmful, you know, or
questionable parenting thingsthat they're doing.
For my case with my daughter'sfather, I was told that he
wasn't.
They didn't say shitty, but hejust wasn't bad enough for her
to be removed from him.
He wasn't bad enough.
And I'm just standing therelike what do you mean?
(25:17):
Here's all my evidence, here'sall the family wizard stuff that
he's been telling me.
It was never, it wasn't enoughand it just wasn't enough, you
know.
And in terms of resources, Iended up looking for books.
You know, now there's a lotmore.
Like I said, there's a lot morewomen speaking out on it.
But therapy I highly recommendtherapy if you can get it.
(25:40):
I used to get it from my localJewish community center at that
time and they were giving it tome for free because of my income
and, like I said, I also didthe anger management classes and
even that was kind of weirdbecause I'm like I knew I had
anger stuff going on and I mean,don't get me wrong, you have
every right to be mad, but whenit comes to your child, you have
(26:02):
to figure out how to likereally navigate that, because
you have to have, you have tocreate like a safe space for
your kid.
So even though on a Wednesdaymy daughter would come and I
would have a terrible reactionby getting mad, I had to change
it.
I had to change it because mykid needed a safer space and my
anger wasn't allowing for that.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Right, and speaking of court, you did mention court.
Are there certain documents orthings that someone could bring
with them that would help tosupport their case?
I know there's a lot.
That's a big uphill battle initself, but was there anything
that you found helpful?
Speaker 2 (26:39):
You know what I had at that time.
I actually created a lot.
I had logs, I had logs uponlogs upon logs, you know.
So I that's all I can thinkabout.
You know, I did use a lot ofthe self-help center, a lot of
it, you know, when I was in it,I used the family law
facilitator's office at thattime, a lot of the times as well
, you know.
But in terms of a form, I don'tknow if there's really a form,
(27:06):
but I just remember having a log, you know a log, of whatever it
is that was happening, details.
You know time, date, who didwhat, who said what.
You know things like that.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
You also mentioned therapy for yourself, and
therapy for the kids is probablynot a bad idea.
Are there other professionalsor out there that individuals
can look for to help make abetter environment for their
kids?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Other professionals, I think, other than a therapist.
I can't really think of one.
I mean, I would probably throwmyself in there and think that
maybe I can help.
That, you know, to basically myfor my coaching services, I
only focus on what's happeningin your home, because you can't,
as a mom, you can't controlwhat's happening in their home,
and that's actually a lot ofwhat some of the high conflict
(27:56):
stems from.
You know, because you startthinking that maybe you can, you
know, control that and youcan't.
You know so when, through mycoaching services, I basically
focus on what you can controlwithin the four walls of your
home.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Right.
Which is it's so difficult too?
Because you know, in thisrelationship all that control
was taken away from you and nowyou're just trying to like I
don't want to be a victimanymore, I want to be this
survivor and navigate my lifewithout having to.
You know, I get that.
So yeah, with your coachingservices, do you do one-on-one
(28:34):
or do you do group services?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
For now I only do one-on-one, but I also wanted to
mention that one of the things,too, that I really that I feel
like really helped, is that Icome from a toxic family dynamic
.
I did not have good parents, sosomething that really helped me
, that kind of moved the needlewith my children too, is that I
had to heal the unresolvedchildhood trauma that I carried
(28:56):
so that I can become a betterparent and evolve with my
children.
That's something that you cancapitalize on.
That's going to be hard, butthat, if you want to be
strategic about it becausethat's where my brain goes how
to strategize I, a person that'stoxic, will never be able to do
that.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
Right, and I think for you it's helpful to have an
individual like yourself who'sgone through it and been through
a childhood like this, becauseyou have almost more of a
compassion or more of arelatability to it, I suppose.
As far as a coach, I would feelcomfortable knowing that you
(29:39):
truly understand from from yourpoint of view.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yeah, yeah, so um, a lot of it.
My coaching services are allthrough me, um, in my experience
, Um, and they do focus a littlebit on like generational trauma
, you know um and also um, thehigh conflict co parenting.
And then I also do throw inthere I'm a big believer on
natural healing modalities, so Ido throw in there some if the
(30:05):
person wants some suggestions onwhat can help you through the
stress and anxiety of having togo through a high conflict
co-parenting situation.
And because a lot of usactually hide our mental health
when we're going through itbecause it can be weaponized.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Of course, everything , anything about you, can be
weaponized, and they will findit.
Yes, and I'm it's interesting.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
I just brought it up because everything I'm still
learning how to be in theaftermath of it and how to be
even in like being in thesespaces, because so much of
myself, of my being, things Ilove, things I disliked, were
weaponized to to in an attemptto, um, remove my daughter from
my home.
Um, because he actually once hegot 50, 50, he actually that he
(30:50):
wasn't satisfied with that.
He came at me hard for fullcustody and brought out the big
guns and he tried to use everyaspect of my life that he
thought he can capitalize on togain full custody and to
pinpoint me as an unfit mother.
And that's when he used mytoxic family dynamics from my
(31:11):
past and that's kind of theexperience that I had.
So it's incredibly traumaticbecause you're like trauma on
top of trauma on top of trauma.
So now that I'm off, I'm out ofit, I feel like I'm still
processing portions of it,because so much of it was so
like.
That's why I call themlandmines, because like they're
(31:32):
like bombs.
You're getting hit fromeverywhere, Right?
So that's what I think makes methe most, most relatable,
because I've actually beenactually been in so many aspects
of it that, honestly, I wouldhave rather wished that I would
have never had this experience,and whenever I talk to some of
the women that do reach out tome, I tell them that I am sorry
(31:52):
that they had this experience,but I'm glad that they have
found me, because I wouldn'twish this on anyone that they
have found me, because Iwouldn't wish this on anyone and
when somebody does reach out toyou, do you formulate sort of a
plan or an outline or a guideof how you're going to go
through the coaching process?
Yes, I actually have a form thatthey fill out prior to us
meeting that I go through.
(32:13):
That way I can strategize how Ican help them best and I do ask
them what they've tried before.
That way I'm not like just regcan help them best and I do ask
them what they've tried before.
That way I'm not like justregurgitating the same thing and
they get the most value fromtalking to me.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Okay, so before I'm going to ask you to list all
those things again, but is thereanything else that you think
that we need to talk aboutbefore we get into all of your
links and everything again?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
All I can think about that came up right now is take
care of yourself.
There's so many times that Iwas younger so I went to court
on an empty stomach with justcoffee in my stomach.
Take care of yourself, eatsomething.
If you're in it right now, eatsomething, get some water.
In court there's no emotions,so it's really impersonal.
(32:58):
I checked my emotions at thecar and I purposely made sure
that I never parked near him, soI watched.
I used to sometimes watch andget there earlier to be to be.
I'm very observant, so I usedto watch where he came from, so
that way I stay away from him.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
That's a good point.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
It's definitely a good point Whenever I hear
people sitting next to eachother or you know you must at
some point sit next to eachother but in terms of outside
the court, I actually strived tonot be near him and I parked
where he wouldn't park so that Ican have my time and I can have
my moment.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Yeah, to mentally prepare yourself to go in yeah
Well, we're having a battle.
It is, it is I was just aboutto say into the battle and it is
actually a battle.
Okay, so one more time.
Do you mind just saying howpeople can find you?
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Yes, Marisol Vasquez official on Instagram.
I'm also on LinkedIn.
If you have a LinkedIn, you canalso find me with the same
wording Marisol Vasquez Official.
I also have a Facebook, if youwant to follow that too.
And same thing, Marisol VasquezOfficial.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Okay, and those links will be in the show notes.
And, marisol, it was so greatto have you this is so
informative.
This may not be the last timeyou're on, because I think I
know a lot of people who are inthese situations and I'm sure
there's going to be morequestions that come up and room
(34:34):
for further discussion for allof this.
So it's a lot, it is.
It's so much, it's so much, andyou know everybody.
Hang in there, you're going toget through it.
It may seem like you're nevergoing to get through it, but you
will, yeah, and especially whenyou have a good coach on your
side.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
One step at a time.
One step at a time, one momentat a time.
You know, yeah, it was.
It was a very difficult time ofour lives.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
Yeah, all right.
Well, thank you again.
Thank you.
Hi, Marisol, Welcome back.
Thank you again for joining me.
Thank you for having me.
So last episode we talked aboutco-parenting and what the
definitions are and the impactit has on you as the other
parent and on the children.
So today let's talk about howdo you get through it, how do
(00:23):
you survive high-conflictco-parenting.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
So the best way that I there's three different steps
that I actually ended up, ormore like tips that I ended up
creating through an e-book thatI created last year.
And, honestly, the step thee-book that I created is called
um, something I think I forgotwhat the title I that I made for
(00:47):
it, but it's I had to do with,like the mistake at its core.
It's the mistakes that I madethat I feel I had to later on
fix because I was.
You know, when you're quotehigh conflict co-parenting,
there's a lot of things that youdon't know how to handle when
you're in it, and then you'realways wondering, well, did I do
this right?
Did I do this wrong?
How is it affecting my child?
(01:09):
How is it affecting me?
How long is it going to last?
So you have all of thesequestions and then you're
looking at it and you're like,oh, my goodness, how is this
going to work?
So I ended up coming down withthree things that I feel help a
lot in high conflictco-parenting, and I don't know
if you want me to just go one byone, or how would you like to
(01:30):
do that?
Speaker 1 (01:31):
I think that, yeah, let's do it that way.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
The first one was when, depending on the time that
they get the other parent, Iwould highly suggest not to
control their time.
Don't control their time, youknow.
Whatever it is that they wantto do with the child when
they're on their time, let thatbe, even even if you don't agree
(01:53):
with it, even if you'relistening to it and you're like,
what are they doing?
You know, because they're goingto do things that are going to
just leave you perplexed andsome of those things might
actually be sometimes, you know,questionable towards the kids.
You know some of them may merit, you know, a court hearing.
You don't, you won't know untilyou move forward with it, you
(02:13):
know, but one of the things Ihad to learn was to let the time
that they have with the child,with their child, let that be it
.
You know what I mean.
Let it, let it just roll, youknow, but it was really hard be
it.
You know what I mean.
Let it, let it just roll, youknow, but it was really hard.
It was really hard to actuallybe able to do that, and in my
ebook I actually have like ajournal section of you know
where you can work through andprocess, um, how to let that go,
(02:35):
because, as moms, honestly, itwas very strange for me, um,
once my daughter's father got 50, 50 to not have an involvement
in my daughter's life.
My daughter literally had awhole separate life that I had
no clue about.
She had her own friends on thatside.
They did activities that I wasnot being part of.
They had birthdays I was neverprivy to.
(02:58):
She had a whole different lifethat I never really knew about.
And, as a mom, not only did wenot sign up for that, but it's a
little bit heartbreakingbecause we're mom and you're
like how do I not, how am I notinvolved in that?
Right?
So there has to be like acertain level of like um
boundary.
You know, not only the boundaryfor your child to develop a
(03:20):
relationship with their fatheryou know, um, as you know, as
they get older but then aboundary for yourself because at
the same time, you can't reallybe trying to trying to control
what they're doing on their time.
You know.
So it's a really hard take todo, but it helped me get more of
like, percept, like be aperspective of what wasn't mine
(03:42):
anymore, but it took me a whileto actually let it go.
The second one is I know it'sgoing to sound harsh, but, like
we, as single moms, we put somuch of our identity into being
a single mom, so I haveconcluded recently that we need
to get a life outside of ourkids.
(04:03):
What are you?
Speaker 1 (04:04):
telling me here.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I need to leave the house.
I am doing the same thing evennow, and my kids are already
older.
You know what I mean.
Like I'm looking at my life andI'm like, okay, so who am I
beyond being a single mom?
You know we do so muchsurrounding that role.
We pick careers based on ourkids' school schedules.
We, you know, pick schoolsbased on scheduling.
That you know what I mean.
(04:27):
We do so many logistics torevolve around that role.
So when your kids are not withyou, you got to find out what
else did you love doing beforeyou even had kids and bring it
back in.
Did you like dancing?
Did you like singing?
I love to do both.
Did you love to write?
Did you love?
Like yourself, you're doing thepodcast.
(04:48):
That's a great way to have anoutlet that's just yours,
because so many of us, ouridentity, is so centered on
being a single mom and at somepoint, even though you're in the
thick of it, it's going tochange and it's going to morph
into your kids at some point,moving out and they're going to.
And that's like I said, it'sgoing to change and it's going
to morph into your kids at somepoint, moving out and they're
going to, and that's like I said, it's a natural way of things,
(05:09):
but it doesn't hurt any less.
So, even though you're goingtowards, you know your kids are
eventually leaving, because Idon't know if you guys know, but
they're going to leave Is themother.
The parent role actually is oneof the hardest things that I
have ever encountered, becauseyou're essentially preparing
(05:29):
these human beings to leave you.
Like you know what I mean, likeyou're trying to work through
things, trying to, you know,build communication, build the
bond, but at some point they'regoing to leave, you know.
So I really recommend findingother things that you can do
that that keep you intact, andactually those things will help
too.
Whenever you're going to thehigh conflict co-parenting thing
(05:51):
and you're hearing all of thisgarbage about yourself, right,
you know, cause they're callingyou names, they're doing this
shady thing this other day thatyou're like, how do you have
time for that?
You know, cause my, mydaughter's dad, had a lot of
time for a lot of shady stuff.
So, um, you're doing all thesethings and um, so you got to
figure out how to still have asomewhat of an interest, um, in
(06:15):
doing things that you love, youknow, and, and it's okay to do
things that you love, even ifit's, like you know, free at no
charge, or, you know, sometimescommunities have things like
that.
The last one that I made a hugemistake on it was not using
(06:38):
your kids as emotional support.
That one's hard.
That one's hard because I thinkwhen you're a single mom
sometimes especially like formyself right now I don't have a
partner, so you rely on a lot onyour kids.
You know through talking,through talking about your day,
through you know like and ifyou're really do get along with
your kids because of this bondthat you're building, especially
(06:58):
if now they know what their dadis, there's a certain dynamic
that now stems.
That now is more highlightedbecause now they know and you
kind of sort of bond over it,but at the same time it's like
they're still too young to beyour friend.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Right and there's that appropriate level of like
how much emotional dumping.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Can I do how?
Speaker 1 (07:21):
much?
Do you tell them?
How much emotional dumping canI?
Speaker 2 (07:24):
do so.
Get a therapist, ladies.
The kids are not our therapist.
I love my son because he's likemy biggest cheerleader, but at
the same time I need to makesome friends that can cheerlead
me too.
I need woman friends.
So there has to be a boundaryset with how much we should
(07:45):
share with our kids, even ifthey are emotionally intelligent
, and how much.
How much of that you should beprocessing in therapy and then
how much of you know justbasically how to create a
boundary, that way they're notfeeling like they're carrying
the weight of like being youremotional support.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
It's too much on a kid.
They're too young, right, andyou don't want them to end up
going to therapy because of allthe emotional trauma.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Their mom put them through Right Exactly and, like
I said, these tips I literallycreated them because they're
mistakes that I have made thatI'm still sorting through.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Parenting in general.
Again, when you're in atraditional relationship, you're
constantly reeval relationship.
You're constantly reevaluatingwhat you're doing and trying to
be a better parent.
So naturally, when you're nowseparate and in a high conflicts
co-parenting relationship,there's a lot that you're going
to look back on and say, oh,maybe I shouldn't have done that
(08:41):
.
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Yeah, and it takes a special level of like humbleness
too, to be able to recognizethat, because I don't think we
as parents sometimes want tohear how we messed up.
Right, it's very uncomfortableto hear, you know, and my kids
got older and they're prettyvocal when I have messed up and
it makes me really uncomfortable.
(09:02):
But it's also an opportunity toreally reframe or stop doing
certain behaviors or stoptalking a certain way or what.
You know what I mean.
Like it's a, it's a way tostill help your child be seen,
even if it's uncomfortable.
That's literally howrelationships grow.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Right, yeah, absolutely so.
What happens when you have tocommunicate with the other
parents, and how do you do thatwithout getting yourself
triggered to become an emotionalwreck or Right or send the
(09:42):
landmines they send or send thelandmines they send Right, right
.
How do you not respond?
Because you know sometimesthey're doing it, because they
are baiting you.
They know how to get under yourskin.
So how do you effectively?
Speaker 2 (10:03):
communicate the needs of your child without getting
sucked in to their bait.
So I think it just depends onthe context of the email, if
they're sending it or if you'resending it.
I highly recommend that.
If you are in a high conflictsituation, the dynamic that
whenever I listen to women whoare in high conflict dynamics
and they're still texting andcalling and emailing directly, I
(10:27):
cringe, or like I just it makesme nervous because you're
opening yourself up to so muchharassment.
That's essentially what it is.
Some of these people willharass you, you know, and
they'll harass you for stupidthings too.
So, in terms of thecommunication, if you're sending
it out, it's just better tojust stay matter of fact and not
include anything that would youknow, nothing inflammatory,
(10:51):
like you know, for example.
Well, you know, do you rememberwhen you did this in 2000,?
Like you know 20 and well,let's not do that again and
we're going to do this instead.
Like you have to kind of likereward it so that it's not so
accusatory.
Especially if you're dealingwith a high conflict person,
they tend to be pretty defensive.
So you want to, you want tosound flat and unemotional If
(11:14):
you are on the receiving end ofa email that you, that it's,
they're typically very long.
From my understanding and frommy own personal experience, if
you are receiving an email where, um, they're just having at it
and just bashing you to, youknow, to another degree that is
(11:37):
also triggering for you.
You know cause it can be verytriggering If you're just being
bashed and you're looking at itand you extract to see, um, if
the email needs to be respondedto, if there's anything on there
that pertains to your childthat maybe you need to address,
if he's just rehashing stufffrom whatever he thinks of you
(11:58):
that you did while you weretogether, that does not require
a response.
If, basically, you got toanalyze the, you have to be in
the mental space to try to be ina mental space to respond to it
.
And if it doesn't meet like thecriteria of it being responded
to, I would not respond at all,or you can just write the words
(12:21):
duly noted.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
That's what I've heard friends have used.
I used to do that a lot.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
And eventually my daughter's dad ended up really
hating it, to the point that heactually would tell our daughter
how much he hated it, that hewas sending these lengthy emails
of what a horrible mom I am orwhat he thought, or whatever I
did back in 2004 that now he'slike somehow tying to current
stuff.
It was really annoying anddraining.
(12:50):
So there's a lot of circularthinking happening.
So whenever I would get theemails, I started dissecting
them to see if I really neededto respond to something that was
court-related that my daughterneeded or yeah, that's pretty
much it.
Anything else that revolvedaround bashing me, it usually
(13:11):
got a duly noted or a noted.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Okay, yeah, and that makes sense, because you're
shutting it down.
How does somebody else respondto that?
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Right.
And then the reason that Iended up starting to even do
that.
I forgot how I got that ideafrom.
I ended up having to look moreinto how he was talking to me
because, number one, the courtsweren't helping, even though we
were on our family wizard.
Family wizard was ordered forus because of the high conflict
scenario, but it became anothermeans for him to continue to
(13:44):
verbally abuse me.
I would submit those to thecourts and the courts didn't
really view it as a concern,even though it was, you know,
slowly, incrementally becomingmore like, you know, really
unnecessary, you know.
So I started looking into theseemails and I remember one time
he emailed me and he was like onFamily Wizard and he flat out
told me I don't care what kindof conversation we're having,
(14:09):
communication we're having, Ijust want to make sure that
we're still communicating.
And when he said that I waslike ew, like this is so toxic
and you still want to keepconversing, like this has like
no value at all.
And that's when I went lookingfor other methods of not
(14:29):
engaging and I went looking forgray rock.
You know, um, have you heard ofgray rock?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
before I have.
But do you mind just explainingthat, because that's not.
It's a term that's familiar tosome, but not everyone.
So my understanding, um, and Ihaven't used gray rock in a hot
minute now, but do you mind?
Speaker 2 (14:40):
just explaining that Because it's a term that's
familiar to some but noteveryone.
So my understanding and Ihaven't used Grey Rock in a hot
minute now, but my understandingis that Grey Rock is when
you're in a difficult situationwith someone who is toxic or
difficult because there'sdifferent levels of toxicity you
basically don't sound asexciting as having to engage in
the conflict.
If they're inviting you to theconflict don't sound as exciting
as like having to engage in theconflict.
Like if they're inviting you tothe conflict, don't engage.
(15:01):
You know, or you're very short,you're very flat with your
answers.
You know, and that's kind of howI understood it when I was
using it and eventually theemails did become less frequent,
you know, in terms of himengaging with me, but it wasn't
just the emails, it was, youknow, we, I didn't just do that,
(15:24):
I did other things to basicallyI wouldn't say get rid of them,
but just to stop that type ofbehavior coming my way.
You know, um, but it helped.
It helped to constantly write,duly noted, and I and to my
knowledge they did not like that.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Which is kind of a win in itself.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Well, I kind of just became very.
Apparently they don't likeboring people.
You know they don't like itwhen you don't engage, so I
stopped engaging.
I always wanted to like defendmyself and go tell them my truth
and go you and go counterwhatever he's saying about me.
I stopped caring.
I stopped caring about himthinking I'm a terrible mom.
(16:07):
I stopped caring about himtrying to send me an email.
Oh, if you don't do this, I'mtaking you to court.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
Okay, Right, and that's brilliant advice, because
these are individuals that youcan't argue with, you can't
rationalize anything, you can'twin.
You're just going to keep goingin a circle where they will
continue to verbally abuse youor insult you or whatever, and
you're going to constantly beleft in this loop of trying to
(16:38):
feel that you need to defendyourself.
But yeah, if you just gray rockthem and not engage, I think
that's the best thing you can do, because you're not going to
change their mind or changetheir opinion about you?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Yeah, you're not.
And the thing with two is thatwhen you're in it and you start
learning these things that we'retalking about, don't think that
number one that the things aregoing to change immediately,
because you've probably been atthis for a while.
Number two don't be surprisedif you actually do take the bait
one day and you're like, ohshoot, I'm back in it.
(17:11):
It's more like a habit that youhave to develop with time.
You know what I mean.
Like these strategies of youknow how not to engage.
They're developed with time.
You know what I mean.
Like these strategies of youknow how not to engage there.
They're developed with time.
You know, usually with highconflict, the conflict has been
going on for such a long periodof time that at some point, it's
you who has to change yourbehavior and how you engage in
(17:32):
the conflict in order for thereto be a change.
You know so.
And there was times where I didget baited, even after I knew
about gray rock and was intherapy and, you know, did all
the anger management, I stillwas baited, you know, and I
still fell for it.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
And I was like and I would have to reframe and check
myself and I'm like oh shoot,I'm back in there with you again
you know, well, and it's yeah,and it's frustrating because you
get out of these relationshipsand you think, okay, I'm out,
I'm good, we'll co parent.
I know how I'm supposed toco-parent, they should do the
same.
And then you have thisexperience and it's frustrating
(18:08):
because you have to change yourreaction.
So it's almost like why do Ialways have to be the person who
makes the changes?
Speaker 2 (18:16):
Well, the most simplified answer for that is
that when you do change that, itactually helps you with your
kids, because once you start notputting so much focus and
energy on the conflict with thefather or we'll just say father
(18:37):
you will then be able to kind oftrain yourself to be okay, to
listen to things about him.
I know that with my daughter I,my mentality and how I view I
eventually would end up not, youknow, not having that much of a
reaction over the emails.
Um, I focused more ondeveloping a relationship with
(18:58):
her and then, through my angermanagement classes that were
free, through the community thatI lived in, I created a space
for my daughter where she couldtalk about whatever she saw fit
that I should know about orwhatever she felt comfortable
sharing with me, whether it beeven something nice about dad
you know.
Like like you know he lovescooking.
(19:19):
You know what I mean.
Like that way I didn't feelthis level of like internal hate
.
So my daughter got reallycomfortable just sharing little
minuscule you know details aboutthem, without me feeling so
upset by hearing even themention of their name, you know.
So it in essence just helped medevelop better, not just coping
(19:43):
skills with those emails.
But it also helped me have adifferent relationship with my
kid, because now, I mean,whenever they're mentioned, I
can definitely, just, you know,listen to my kid's experience
because they have an experiencewith their dad, right.
So listen to my kids'experience because they're, they
have an experience with theirdad, right?
So you know, and and the truthof the matter is, is that our
(20:06):
kids are going to havecharacteristics of their other
parent, you know, so they're,they're the other parent you
know.
So, knowing that, you know, asa it's like it kind of went in a
different direction becausewe're talking about emails, but
it's all connected.
It's all connected because,essentially, it helped me
develop a better relationshipwith my kid.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
Well, and I think being able to emotionally step
back from a response, it helpsyou.
Also when your kid comes homeand says mom or dad said this
about you and instead of gettinglike flipping out in front of
your kid, that was me actually,I actually hated Wednesdays
because that's a day that wewould switch over custody.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
I never knew what she was going to bring over and I
used to hate them because Ididn't know what thing they were
going to be.
You know that had beendiscussed about me, how I was
being bashed or what negativelight I was being portrayed on,
you know.
So I didn't like Wednesdays fora long time, you know, but
eventually it ended up changing.
(21:04):
It changed and a lot of it camefrom me looking up for
resources and also, um, me goingto therapy, you know, and and
then implementing it.
And a lot of it was actually,um, trial and error, like I was
hoping this would work.
Maybe it did, and I wasconstantly adjusting, you know,
like to see if things wouldimprove.
And a lot of the improve Ididn't even really look at his.
(21:28):
I didn't even look at it to seeif he was improving.
I, that's not really my concern.
I was trying to see how I canimprove with my kid.
That's what I was concernedwith.
Speaker 1 (21:39):
Because ultimately, that's the important thing is
how your children what's theword?
Evolve, I guess, through therelationship.
So you have taken yourexperience and your background
and you now offer coachingservices.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
for this right, yes, I am now a high conflict
co-parenting coach and a lot ofit stems from having two kids
with two different dads.
I managed at some point twochild custody cases, two child
support and my longest custodybattle was for my daughter.
It stemmed for almost a decade.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
So I know we're going to talk about some other legal
options and things.
We're going to talk about someother like legal options and
things.
But since we're on thatcoaching topic, how, if somebody
wanted to get to you and askyou for some coaching services,
how do they do that?
You?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
could just find me at Marisol Vasquez official and
then I have a link tree on thereand they can do.
I have a coaching.
The coaching session sessionscan be booked through there.
But then I also have some freeservices.
I do have an online supportgroup called Empowered Mom
Circle and it's just focused onhigh conflict, co-parenting and
just supporting moms through it,just basically getting through
(22:52):
it.
It's not going to necessarilysolve all the problems, but I
developed it because I rememberwhen I was in it I felt so alone
.
I literally felt like I was theonly one going through it.
So that's how my, my, um, mysupport group started.
And then the second portion isthat my ebook is on there too
and it does help with umco-parenting strategies in terms
of helping um, the tips that Imentioned earlier.
(23:13):
They're actually in the book.
And then um, along with somejournaling, just so that you can
kind of start turning things ina different direction.
That might that might not.
That's not going to change yourex Let me just be upfront.
It's not about him or her, youknow.
It's more about how do you gainsome peace through this chaos
that can also safeguard yourrelationship with your kids.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And that's so important, and I'll include
those links in the show notes.
So, speaking of support, sowhat kind of support is there
out there for?
Are developing either podcastsor even Instagram?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
accounts, just talking about their experiences.
So a lot of us are on there,you know, talking about how real
this is, because I think Idon't think it gets enough
(24:13):
publicity.
I would say, you know, you knowwhat I mean.
Like these are children thatare being affected by an abuser,
and then not only that, when wego to court it doesn't really
solve anything, it usually willmake it worse.
So that's when post-separationabuse comes in, you know.
(24:34):
So the problem didn't reallyget resolved, it just got
extended to a different entity.
So I used to be really upsetand never understood why there's
not more like highlight on howmuch, on how many kids go to
abuser houses on a daily basisand because they have gained
(24:54):
custody, even though there'sharmful, you know, or
questionable parenting thingsthat they're doing.
For my case with my daughter'sfather, I was told that he
wasn't.
They didn't say shitty, but hejust wasn't bad enough for her
to be removed from him.
He wasn't bad enough.
And I'm just standing therelike what do you mean?
(25:17):
Here's all my evidence, here'sall the family wizard stuff that
he's been telling me.
It was never, it wasn't enoughand it just wasn't enough, you
know.
And in terms of resources, Iended up looking for books.
You know, now there's a lotmore.
Like I said, there's a lot morewomen speaking out on it.
But therapy I highly recommendtherapy if you can get it.
(25:40):
I used to get it from my localJewish community center at that
time and they were giving it tome for free because of my income
and, like I said, I also didthe anger management classes and
even that was kind of weirdbecause I'm like I knew I had
anger stuff going on and I mean,don't get me wrong, you have
every right to be mad, but whenit comes to your child, you have
(26:02):
to figure out how to likereally navigate that, because
you have to have, you have tocreate like a safe space for
your kid.
So even though on a Wednesdaymy daughter would come and I
would have a terrible reactionby getting mad, I had to change
it.
I had to change it because mykid needed a safer space and my
anger wasn't allowing for that.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Right, and speaking of court, you did mention court.
Are there certain documents orthings that someone could bring
with them that would help tosupport their case?
I know there's a lot.
That's a big uphill battle initself, but was there anything
that you found helpful?
Speaker 2 (26:39):
You know what I had at that time.
I actually created a lot.
I had logs, I had logs uponlogs upon logs, you know.
So I that's all I can thinkabout.
You know, I did use a lot ofthe self-help center, a lot of
it, you know, when I was in it,I used the family law
facilitator's office at thattime, a lot of the times as well
, you know.
But in terms of a form, I don'tknow if there's really a form,
(27:06):
but I just remember having a log, you know a log, of whatever it
is that was happening, details.
You know time, date, who didwhat, who said what.
You know things like that.
Speaker 1 (27:15):
You also mentioned therapy for yourself, and
therapy for the kids is probablynot a bad idea.
Are there other professionalsor out there that individuals
can look for to help make abetter environment for their
kids?
Speaker 2 (27:33):
Other professionals, I think, other than a therapist.
I can't really think of one.
I mean, I would probably throwmyself in there and think that
maybe I can help.
That, you know, to basically myfor my coaching services, I
only focus on what's happeningin your home, because you can't,
as a mom, you can't controlwhat's happening in their home,
and that's actually a lot ofwhat some of the high conflict
(27:56):
stems from.
You know, because you startthinking that maybe you can, you
know, control that and youcan't.
You know so when, through mycoaching services, I basically
focus on what you can controlwithin the four walls of your
home.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
Right.
Which is it's so difficult too?
Because you know, in thisrelationship all that control
was taken away from you and nowyou're just trying to like I
don't want to be a victimanymore, I want to be this
survivor and navigate my lifewithout having to.
You know, I get that.
So yeah, with your coachingservices, do you do one-on-one
(28:34):
or do you do group services?
Speaker 2 (28:36):
For now I only do one-on-one, but I also wanted to
mention that one of the things,too, that I really that I feel
like really helped, is that Icome from a toxic family dynamic
.
I did not have good parents, sosomething that really helped me
, that kind of moved the needlewith my children too, is that I
had to heal the unresolvedchildhood trauma that I carried
(28:56):
so that I can become a betterparent and evolve with my
children.
That's something that you cancapitalize on.
That's going to be hard, butthat, if you want to be
strategic about it becausethat's where my brain goes how
to strategize I, a person that'stoxic, will never be able to do
that.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
Right, and I think for you it's helpful to have an
individual like yourself who'sgone through it and been through
a childhood like this, becauseyou have almost more of a
compassion or more of arelatability to it, I suppose.
As far as a coach, I would feelcomfortable knowing that you
(29:39):
truly understand from from yourpoint of view.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Yeah, yeah, so um, a lot of it.
My coaching services are allthrough me, um, in my experience
, Um, and they do focus a littlebit on like generational trauma
, you know um and also um, thehigh conflict co parenting.
And then I also do throw inthere I'm a big believer on
natural healing modalities, so Ido throw in there some if the
(30:05):
person wants some suggestions onwhat can help you through the
stress and anxiety of having togo through a high conflict
co-parenting situation.
And because a lot of usactually hide our mental health
when we're going through itbecause it can be weaponized.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
Of course, everything , anything about you, can be
weaponized, and they will findit.
Yes, and I'm it's interesting.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
I just brought it up because everything I'm still
learning how to be in theaftermath of it and how to be
even in like being in thesespaces, because so much of
myself, of my being, things Ilove, things I disliked, were
weaponized to to in an attemptto, um, remove my daughter from
my home.
Um, because he actually once hegot 50, 50, he actually that he
(30:50):
wasn't satisfied with that.
He came at me hard for fullcustody and brought out the big
guns and he tried to use everyaspect of my life that he
thought he can capitalize on togain full custody and to
pinpoint me as an unfit mother.
And that's when he used mytoxic family dynamics from my
(31:11):
past and that's kind of theexperience that I had.
So it's incredibly traumaticbecause you're like trauma on
top of trauma on top of trauma.
So now that I'm off, I'm out ofit, I feel like I'm still
processing portions of it,because so much of it was so
like.
That's why I call themlandmines, because like they're
(31:32):
like bombs.
You're getting hit fromeverywhere, Right?
So that's what I think makes methe most, most relatable,
because I've actually beenactually been in so many aspects
of it that, honestly, I wouldhave rather wished that I would
have never had this experience,and whenever I talk to some of
the women that do reach out tome, I tell them that I am sorry
(31:52):
that they had this experience,but I'm glad that they have
found me, because I wouldn'twish this on anyone that they
have found me, because Iwouldn't wish this on anyone and
when somebody does reach out toyou, do you formulate sort of a
plan or an outline or a guideof how you're going to go
through the coaching process?
Yes, I actually have a form thatthey fill out prior to us
meeting that I go through.
(32:13):
That way I can strategize how Ican help them best and I do ask
them what they've tried before.
That way I'm not like just regcan help them best and I do ask
them what they've tried before.
That way I'm not like justregurgitating the same thing and
they get the most value fromtalking to me.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
Okay, so before I'm going to ask you to list all
those things again, but is thereanything else that you think
that we need to talk aboutbefore we get into all of your
links and everything again?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
All I can think about that came up right now is take
care of yourself.
There's so many times that Iwas younger so I went to court
on an empty stomach with justcoffee in my stomach.
Take care of yourself, eatsomething.
If you're in it right now, eatsomething, get some water.
In court there's no emotions,so it's really impersonal.
(32:58):
I checked my emotions at thecar and I purposely made sure
that I never parked near him, soI watched.
I used to sometimes watch andget there earlier to be to be.
I'm very observant, so I usedto watch where he came from, so
that way I stay away from him.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
That's a good point.
Speaker 2 (33:24):
It's definitely a good point Whenever I hear
people sitting next to eachother or you know you must at
some point sit next to eachother but in terms of outside
the court, I actually strived tonot be near him and I parked
where he wouldn't park so that Ican have my time and I can have
my moment.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
Yeah, to mentally prepare yourself to go in yeah
Well, we're having a battle.
It is, it is I was just aboutto say into the battle and it is
actually a battle.
Okay, so one more time.
Do you mind just saying howpeople can find you?
Speaker 2 (33:57):
Yes, Marisol Vasquez official on Instagram.
I'm also on LinkedIn.
If you have a LinkedIn, you canalso find me with the same
wording Marisol Vasquez Official.
I also have a Facebook, if youwant to follow that too.
And same thing, Marisol VasquezOfficial.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
Okay, and those links will be in the show notes.
And, marisol, it was so greatto have you this is so
informative.
This may not be the last timeyou're on, because I think I
know a lot of people who are inthese situations and I'm sure
there's going to be morequestions that come up and room
(34:34):
for further discussion for allof this.
So it's a lot, it is.
It's so much, it's so much, andyou know everybody.
Hang in there, you're going toget through it.
It may seem like you're nevergoing to get through it, but you
will, yeah, and especially whenyou have a good coach on your
side.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
One step at a time.
One step at a time, one momentat a time.
You know, yeah, it was.
It was a very difficult time ofour lives.
Speaker 1 (35:01):
Yeah, all right.
Well, thank you again.
Thank you.
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