July 2, 2025 • 22 mins
When a celebrity like Bill Maher uses his platform to tell domestic violence victims they "need to leave right away," it reveals a profound misunderstanding of abuse dynamics that puts real lives at risk. This episode takes on Maher's recent comments about Cassie Ventura and others facing abuse, exposing the dangerous myths behind victim-blaming rhetoric that permeates our culture.
Did you know that leaving an abuser increases a victim's risk of being killed by 70%? Or that on a single day in 2024, domestic violence programs couldn't meet over 14,000 requests for help due to lack of resources? These aren't just statistics—they're the reality facing survivors who hear "why didn't you just leave?" from every corner of society.
This episode dives deep into abuse psychology, explaining how abusers methodically break down victims' sense of self, creating trauma bonds that aren't easily severed. Using Tina Turner's story as an example, I explore the complex reality behind seemingly simple "success stories" of escape. Even Turner, who left with just 36 cents in her pocket, had attempted to leave multiple times before finally escaping—and still faced severe depression and attempted suicide before finding freedom.
Whether you've experienced abuse yourself or want to better understand why victims make the choices they do, this episode offers crucial context for supporting survivors rather than questioning their decisions. Listen now to challenge your assumptions and learn how we can collectively create a safer world for those facing domestic violence.
Sources:
https://youtu.be/RjUw1-g416w?si=DPRdBsMPA1DraqFI
https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/73/wr/mm7334a4.htm
https://domesticviolencehomicidehelp.com/statistics/
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/why-do-people-participate-in-victim-blaming/
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
One in three is intended for mature audiences.
Episodes contain explicitcontent and may be triggering,
as they often include violenceand other varying forms of abuse
, such as emotional,psychological, sexual and
physical.
In most cases, names have beenchanged to protect all involved.
Please note statements andopinions of guests do not
(00:21):
necessarily reflect those of myown.
Hi Warriors, Welcome to one inthree.
I am your host, Ingrid.
I know the Diddy trial has beengetting a lot of attention and,
honestly, I haven't followed itclosely.
Apart from standing in supportof his victims.
I haven't felt the need to.
(00:41):
But what has gotten myattention, though, is the
backlash Carrie Ventura has beenfacing Criticism over what she
said, how she said it, how longit took her to say it,
Speculations about her motives,as if speaking out after
(01:02):
surviving trauma requires a PRstrategy.
It makes me sick, it makes meangry and, honestly, it makes me
sad, because Carrie has a teambehind her lawyers, advisors,
people to help her navigate thestorm.
But what about the others, thevictims who face the same
(01:25):
backlash, just on a smallerscale, with a smaller and
sometimes non-existent supportsystem?
They're judged too, pickedapart, disbelieved, shamed.
And that brings me to BillMaher.
Brilliance, Bill Maher, and no,I'm not being facetious.
(01:48):
I genuinely think he'sbrilliant, he's funny, he's
sharp and he's unapologeticallyopinionated.
He says what he thinksregardless of whether people
agree with him, and I respectthat.
But even the most brilliantpeople can say some truly stupid
things, and this time he did.
(02:11):
In case you missed it, Billrecently did a segment on I
think it was around May 30th onReal Time with Bill Maher in
which he weighed in on the Diddycase, but it turned into more
of a commentary on how KerryVentura and other domestic
(02:31):
violence victims should conductthemselves.
Yeah, he went there.
So today I'm going to break itall down, what he said.
What's wrong with it?
Break it all down what he said,what's wrong with it and why
comments like his do real harm,whether people want to admit it
or not.
Let's jump in and cutting to theDiddy piece.
(02:53):
Bill talks about there beingtwo thoughts in our heads at the
same time.
He jokes that the first one isthe fact that Diddy is the worst
thing that's happened in rapsince Hammer Pants, and he calls
Diddy an alleged sick fuck andagrees we should lock him up and
throw away the baby oil.
(03:14):
The second thought I am goingto actually directly quote him.
So here we go.
Things have changed enough sothat, moving forward, the rule
should be if you're being abused, you got to leave right away.
Now I completely understand whyin the past, why women often
did not do that.
I understand, ascounterintuitive as it seems,
(03:35):
why an abused woman would sendcomplimentary texts or emails to
her abuser after the abuse.
In an era where women felt, forgood reason, that OG predators
like Bill Cosby and HarveyWeinstein would never be held
accountable, why not at leastget something out of it?
These men were surrounded byall sorts of enablers skeptical
(03:57):
cops, assistants who lured womeninto unsafe spaces, cowards who
knew what was going on butdidn't dare expose a person who
signed their paycheck.
In that scenario, it was notillogical for an abused woman to
say well, if I can't getjustice for my pain, can I at
least get a receipt, a coupon.
But a lot has changed.
(04:18):
Cosby and R Kelly went toprison.
Harvey Weinstein is going todie in prison.
Larry Nassar is serving 175years.
Jeffrey Epstein was murdered inhis jail cell by Hillary
Clinton.
End quote.
Yikes, I have to interjectalready right here.
(04:40):
Bill, you can't just say thatyou have absolutely no idea what
kind of danger victims are inwhen they leave, and actually
you probably really don't haveany idea, so let me help you out
here.
Did you know that during thefirst two weeks after leaving, a
(05:01):
survivor's risk of being killedby their abuser increases by
70%?
And it doesn't stop there.
For up to two years afterleaving, the risk of severe
violence stays high 75% higherthan before.
And here's something mostpeople don't realize it's not
(05:23):
just the survivor at risk.
About 20% of intimate partnerviolence homicides involve other
people family members, friends,neighbors, bystanders and law
enforcement officers trying tohelp.
This is what we mean when wesay leaving is dangerous.
(05:44):
Is what we mean when we sayleaving is dangerous.
This is why survivors have toplan, wait or sometimes stay
longer than they want to,Because walking out the door
doesn't guarantee freedom.
Sometimes it escalates thedanger.
Now I feel like that should beenough to end this episode right
(06:05):
here, but Bill carried on, andso shall I.
Back to Bill.
Quote post Me Too.
Reporting of sexual crimes isway up, as is the percent of
women who say they're morelikely to speak out if
victimized, and many states havechanged laws making it easier
for victims to come forward.
(06:26):
Now, if you have not seen thevideo.
This is where a caption pops upand mentions 15 states have
passed new laws to protect womenafter Me Too.
As a reminder, Me Too startedback in 2006, and we are now in
(06:47):
2025.
There are 50 states in theUnited States and 15 of them
have passed new laws, leaving 35.
So Moving on, but this shouldbe society's new grand bargain.
(07:22):
We take every accusationseriously, but don't tell me any
more about your contemporaneousaccount that you said to two
friends 10 years ago.
Tell the police right away.
Don't wait a decade.
Don't journal about it.
Don't turn it into a one womanshow.
End quote.
Hold on.
(07:43):
Are you aware of how difficultit really is to leave an abuser?
Maybe you are, and maybeeverything I'm about to say will
sound redundant, but just incase it's worth repeating.
So picture this you have a goodlife, a great life, even.
(08:05):
You're just missing one thing apartner.
And one day they come along.
You know they're the one,because they mirror everything
about you your likes, yourvalues, even your wounds.
They see you, they love youfiercely, your wounds, they see
(08:27):
you.
They love you fiercely.
They shower you with affection,maybe even gifts.
It feels like fate and you fallhard and fast.
Then, once they know they'vegot you, they switch up the
narrative.
They insult you, but subtly,just once.
And when you bring it up, theyapologize.
Everything returns to bliss.
(08:49):
Then it happens again.
Maybe this time there's noapology, Maybe they minimize
your feelings, Maybe they blameyou for making them say that.
So you apologize and things goback to normal until they don't.
(09:10):
Now, mind you, this timelineisn't happening day to day, or
even week to week.
It could be months in betweenthese incidents, or even longer.
Next time you protest and theytell you it never happened.
Protest and they tell you itnever happened.
Now you're confused.
What's real, what's not?
Where's the person you fell inlove with?
(09:31):
You start wondering what youdid wrong, what you need to fix,
how to get back to the love youhad at the beginning.
And while your head is spinning, the abuse escalates, becomes
more frequent, more severe.
What was once predictablebecomes erratic.
You're walking on eggshells,trying to manage the
(09:55):
unmanageable.
And this is where you gettrapped, Not because you're weak
, not because you don't want toleave, but because, by the time
you finally realize that this isabuse, your confidence has been
(10:15):
erased, your self-esteemobliterated, your sense of
self-worth gone.
You don't recognize yourselfanymore.
You second-guess your everythought, every memory, every
instinct, because the person whoclaimed to love you dismantled
(10:37):
you.
And this next quote is gold.
And I know I just went off on atangent, so let me remind you
Bill was telling victims whatnot to do.
Here he continues with a quoteand most importantly, don't keep
fucking him.
End quote.
This was met with loud applause.
(11:01):
Let me fill you in on somethinghere Sometimes fucking him is
the only thing that's keepingyou and others safe.
Perhaps I need to let you knowthat there may be other people
(11:21):
in the home Children even.
Continuing on quote.
(11:46):
If he walks free, it will bebecause his lawyers can point to
an endless stream of texts fromCassie expressing what's often
called enthusiastic consent totheir sex life.
If you're me tooing someone, itdoesn't help your case.
If you texted him, me too Ijust want it to be
uncontrollable.
If you want us to think youweren't always ready to freak
(12:07):
off, don't write.
I'm always ready to freak offor wish we we could have FO'd
before you left.
You know, one sign you'repretty comfortable with
something is when you call it byits initials end quote.
Let's talk about survivorblaming, also known as victim
blaming, shall we?
It's when responsibility for atraumatic event is shifted from
(12:30):
the perpetrator to the survivor.
It sounds like why didn't sheleave?
Why didn't he say somethingsooner?
Why did they stay so long?
Why didn't they fight back?
Why are they sending them thesemessages?
Or even what were they wearing?
Survivor blaming is incrediblydamaging.
(12:51):
It invalidates the experiencesof someone who's already been
through something traumatic.
It minimizes or outrightexcuses the action of the person
who caused the harm.
It leaves the survivor feelingisolated, ashamed and
unsupported.
And just as dangerous, it canallow the perpetrator to avoid
(13:13):
consequences or even be consoled, while the survivor is left to
carry the weight alone.
This kind of culturalconditioning doesn't just happen
in courtrooms or commentsections.
It happens in living rooms, infamilies, on talk shows.
And until we start shifting theblame back to where it actually
belongs, we're just reinforcingthe cycle, Skipping over a
(13:38):
little bit.
Bill goes on to say, quote butif we're going to have an honest
conversation about abuse, wealso have to have an honest
conversation about what peopleare willing to do for stardom.
If you want a number one recordon the charts, so bad, you'll
take a number one to the face.
Some of that is on you, and ifyou're doing it for love, well
(13:59):
come on.
Oprah and Dr Phil and everypodcaster in the world have done
a million shows by now abouthow abuse is not love and
abusers don't change.
If it happened once, there willbe more of it.
To pretend otherwise is likeseeing one ant in the sink and
thinking, oh, it's probably justthe one.
If you're literally being heldcaptive, that's one thing, but
(14:21):
if you're putting up withwhatever for love or for your
career, then you need to have alittle more honesty and
accountability about that.
Ike Turner was a psycho, justlike Diddy, but in an era where
there was no movement to helpher, Tina Turner somehow got
away, and she did it with 36cents in her pocket and a mobile
card, end quote.
(14:41):
I'm so glad you brought up TinaTurner.
She's one of my absolutefavorite stories of survival and
success.
In fact, I covered her journeyin a two-part series back in
2023.
You're right, she left Ike withjust 36 cents and a mobile card
in her pocket.
After that, she relied on thekindness of friends moving
(15:05):
constantly amongst them.
When Ike would track her downas a form of payment and a means
to show her gratitude.
She would clean their houses.
She also performed in smallclubs or really anywhere that
would have her, and slowly butsurely she fought her way back
and became the icon we know heras today.
(15:27):
But, Bill, there are a fewpoints you left out of Tina's
story that I would like to bringto your attention.
Did you know that Ike wasbeating and raping her before
they even got married?
I suppose the number ones toher face were on her too.
She only said yes because shewas afraid of what would happen
(15:50):
if she said no.
He took her to Tijuana to signthe marriage papers and get this
.
He took her to a live sex showat a brothel.
Afterward the abuse didn't stopafter they got married.
He beat her, cheated constantly, broke her ribs and her jaw,
(16:14):
and once he threw scaldingcoffee in her face, leaving her
with third degree burns.
She was traumatized and deeplydepressed.
At one point she attempted tooverdose on sleeping pills.
And you want to know what'seven more fucked up?
Is she timed taking the pillsso they wouldn't kick in until
after she had began her set thatevening?
(16:34):
Why?
Well, because she wanted tomake sure that Ike still got
paid, because that's the kind ofemotional manipulation and
control she was living under.
She didn't leave the first time, the second time, the third
time or multiple times afterthat.
I mean, she did eventually tryto leave, but Ike tracked her
(16:57):
down three times and brought herback home.
Any guess on what happened then?
Now, like you said, this was anera without a movement to
support her.
But here's the thing hasanything really changed?
Because between 2001 and 2012,6,488 American soldiers were
(17:19):
killed in Afghanistan.
During that same period, 11,766American women were killed by
current or former male partners.
Think about that, and I'm notbeing overly dramatic.
That's data.
And during just three years,from 2018 to 2021, nearly 4,000
(17:40):
women were murdered by intimatepartners in the United States.
And that's just women.
Fyi, here, domestic violencehappens to men and women,
non-binary transgenders,regardless of sexual orientation
.
So, yes, there are a multitudeof reasons victims don't leave
(18:01):
and while some people maydismiss them as mundane, the
reality is fear is real, thethreat is real and too often it
ends in death.
Here's more numbers to ponder.
On just one day, September 4th2024, over 1,700 domestic
(18:22):
violence programs across theUnited States took part in a
national count led by theNational Network to End Domestic
Violence.
On that single day, they foundthat victims had made 14,095
requests for help that couldn'tbe met.
Why?
Lack of funding, not enoughstaff, not enough beds, not
(18:46):
enough shelter?
60% of those unmet needs werefor housing, emergency shelters,
transitional housing, evenhotel rooms.
So when people ask, why didn'tthey just leave?
This is why, Even when a victimis ready, the help they need
simply might not be there.
The system that's supposed tocatch them has holes, massive
(19:09):
keeping holes, and sometimesthose holes are the difference
between surviving and not.
Surely you've heard enough bynow, but bear with me.
I just have a few more reasonsI want to give you that victims
don't leave right away becausethey're afraid no one will
(19:30):
believe them, because they'reashamed, because they're
terrified of the ridicule thatso often follows when someone
finally speaks up.
And sadly, we are still livingin an era where public figures,
respected voices with massivefollowings use their platforms
(19:54):
to dismiss or diminish asurvivor's truth.
We're talking about comedians,political commentators, talk
show hosts, people with millionsof subscribers, publicly
undermining the very real trauma, manipulation and gaslighting
that survivors endure for years.
(20:14):
And when that happens, it tellsevery victim watching see, no
one will believe you, even ifyou leave, even if you speak up,
so they stay silent or, worse,they go back.
This isn't about individualchoices.
It's about the culture we'vecreated, a culture where cruelty
(20:36):
is cloaked as comedy, whereskepticism is seen as intellect
and where the benefit of thedoubt is too often given to the
abuser and not the abused abuserand not the abused.
If you really want to have anhonest conversation about abuse,
shoot me a message.
(21:04):
Until then, pull yourselftogether, Bill.
Your ignorance is showing.
Thank you for listening.
Sources for today's episode,along with a link to the clip of
the Real Time with Bill Maherepisode I was referring to, can
be found in the show notes.
I'll be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone alone.
(21:36):
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website.
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That's the number one.
I n the number three podcastcom.
Follow one and three onInstagram, Facebook and Twitter
at one and three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
One in Three is a .5 Pinoyproduction Music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
One in three is intended for mature audiences.
Episodes contain explicitcontent and may be triggering,
as they often include violenceand other varying forms of abuse
, such as emotional,psychological, sexual and
physical.
In most cases, names have beenchanged to protect all involved.
Please note statements andopinions of guests do not
(00:21):
necessarily reflect those of myown.
Hi Warriors, Welcome to one inthree.
I am your host, Ingrid.
I know the Diddy trial has beengetting a lot of attention and,
honestly, I haven't followed itclosely.
Apart from standing in supportof his victims.
I haven't felt the need to.
(00:41):
But what has gotten myattention, though, is the
backlash Carrie Ventura has beenfacing Criticism over what she
said, how she said it, how longit took her to say it,
Speculations about her motives,as if speaking out after
(01:02):
surviving trauma requires a PRstrategy.
It makes me sick, it makes meangry and, honestly, it makes me
sad, because Carrie has a teambehind her lawyers, advisors,
people to help her navigate thestorm.
But what about the others, thevictims who face the same
(01:25):
backlash, just on a smallerscale, with a smaller and
sometimes non-existent supportsystem?
They're judged too, pickedapart, disbelieved, shamed.
And that brings me to BillMaher.
Brilliance, Bill Maher, and no,I'm not being facetious.
(01:48):
I genuinely think he'sbrilliant, he's funny, he's
sharp and he's unapologeticallyopinionated.
He says what he thinksregardless of whether people
agree with him, and I respectthat.
But even the most brilliantpeople can say some truly stupid
things, and this time he did.
(02:11):
In case you missed it, Billrecently did a segment on I
think it was around May 30th onReal Time with Bill Maher in
which he weighed in on the Diddycase, but it turned into more
of a commentary on how KerryVentura and other domestic
(02:31):
violence victims should conductthemselves.
Yeah, he went there.
So today I'm going to break itall down, what he said.
What's wrong with it?
Break it all down what he said,what's wrong with it and why
comments like his do real harm,whether people want to admit it
or not.
Let's jump in and cutting to theDiddy piece.
(02:53):
Bill talks about there beingtwo thoughts in our heads at the
same time.
He jokes that the first one isthe fact that Diddy is the worst
thing that's happened in rapsince Hammer Pants, and he calls
Diddy an alleged sick fuck andagrees we should lock him up and
throw away the baby oil.
(03:14):
The second thought I am goingto actually directly quote him.
So here we go.
Things have changed enough sothat, moving forward, the rule
should be if you're being abused, you got to leave right away.
Now I completely understand whyin the past, why women often
did not do that.
I understand, ascounterintuitive as it seems,
(03:35):
why an abused woman would sendcomplimentary texts or emails to
her abuser after the abuse.
In an era where women felt, forgood reason, that OG predators
like Bill Cosby and HarveyWeinstein would never be held
accountable, why not at leastget something out of it?
These men were surrounded byall sorts of enablers skeptical
(03:57):
cops, assistants who lured womeninto unsafe spaces, cowards who
knew what was going on butdidn't dare expose a person who
signed their paycheck.
In that scenario, it was notillogical for an abused woman to
say well, if I can't getjustice for my pain, can I at
least get a receipt, a coupon.
But a lot has changed.
(04:18):
Cosby and R Kelly went toprison.
Harvey Weinstein is going todie in prison.
Larry Nassar is serving 175years.
Jeffrey Epstein was murdered inhis jail cell by Hillary
Clinton.
End quote.
Yikes, I have to interjectalready right here.
(04:40):
Bill, you can't just say thatyou have absolutely no idea what
kind of danger victims are inwhen they leave, and actually
you probably really don't haveany idea, so let me help you out
here.
Did you know that during thefirst two weeks after leaving, a
(05:01):
survivor's risk of being killedby their abuser increases by
70%?
And it doesn't stop there.
For up to two years afterleaving, the risk of severe
violence stays high 75% higherthan before.
And here's something mostpeople don't realize it's not
(05:23):
just the survivor at risk.
About 20% of intimate partnerviolence homicides involve other
people family members, friends,neighbors, bystanders and law
enforcement officers trying tohelp.
This is what we mean when wesay leaving is dangerous.
(05:44):
Is what we mean when we sayleaving is dangerous.
This is why survivors have toplan, wait or sometimes stay
longer than they want to,Because walking out the door
doesn't guarantee freedom.
Sometimes it escalates thedanger.
Now I feel like that should beenough to end this episode right
(06:05):
here, but Bill carried on, andso shall I.
Back to Bill.
Quote post Me Too.
Reporting of sexual crimes isway up, as is the percent of
women who say they're morelikely to speak out if
victimized, and many states havechanged laws making it easier
for victims to come forward.
(06:26):
Now, if you have not seen thevideo.
This is where a caption pops upand mentions 15 states have
passed new laws to protect womenafter Me Too.
As a reminder, Me Too startedback in 2006, and we are now in
(06:47):
2025.
There are 50 states in theUnited States and 15 of them
have passed new laws, leaving 35.
So Moving on, but this shouldbe society's new grand bargain.
(07:22):
We take every accusationseriously, but don't tell me any
more about your contemporaneousaccount that you said to two
friends 10 years ago.
Tell the police right away.
Don't wait a decade.
Don't journal about it.
Don't turn it into a one womanshow.
End quote.
Hold on.
(07:43):
Are you aware of how difficultit really is to leave an abuser?
Maybe you are, and maybeeverything I'm about to say will
sound redundant, but just incase it's worth repeating.
So picture this you have a goodlife, a great life, even.
(08:05):
You're just missing one thing apartner.
And one day they come along.
You know they're the one,because they mirror everything
about you your likes, yourvalues, even your wounds.
They see you, they love youfiercely, your wounds, they see
(08:27):
you.
They love you fiercely.
They shower you with affection,maybe even gifts.
It feels like fate and you fallhard and fast.
Then, once they know they'vegot you, they switch up the
narrative.
They insult you, but subtly,just once.
And when you bring it up, theyapologize.
Everything returns to bliss.
(08:49):
Then it happens again.
Maybe this time there's noapology, Maybe they minimize
your feelings, Maybe they blameyou for making them say that.
So you apologize and things goback to normal until they don't.
(09:10):
Now, mind you, this timelineisn't happening day to day, or
even week to week.
It could be months in betweenthese incidents, or even longer.
Next time you protest and theytell you it never happened.
Protest and they tell you itnever happened.
Now you're confused.
What's real, what's not?
Where's the person you fell inlove with?
(09:31):
You start wondering what youdid wrong, what you need to fix,
how to get back to the love youhad at the beginning.
And while your head is spinning, the abuse escalates, becomes
more frequent, more severe.
What was once predictablebecomes erratic.
You're walking on eggshells,trying to manage the
(09:55):
unmanageable.
And this is where you gettrapped, Not because you're weak
, not because you don't want toleave, but because, by the time
you finally realize that this isabuse, your confidence has been
(10:15):
erased, your self-esteemobliterated, your sense of
self-worth gone.
You don't recognize yourselfanymore.
You second-guess your everythought, every memory, every
instinct, because the person whoclaimed to love you dismantled
(10:37):
you.
And this next quote is gold.
And I know I just went off on atangent, so let me remind you
Bill was telling victims whatnot to do.
Here he continues with a quoteand most importantly, don't keep
fucking him.
End quote.
This was met with loud applause.
(11:01):
Let me fill you in on somethinghere Sometimes fucking him is
the only thing that's keepingyou and others safe.
Perhaps I need to let you knowthat there may be other people
(11:21):
in the home Children even.
Continuing on quote.
(11:46):
If he walks free, it will bebecause his lawyers can point to
an endless stream of texts fromCassie expressing what's often
called enthusiastic consent totheir sex life.
If you're me tooing someone, itdoesn't help your case.
If you texted him, me too Ijust want it to be
uncontrollable.
If you want us to think youweren't always ready to freak
(12:07):
off, don't write.
I'm always ready to freak offor wish we we could have FO'd
before you left.
You know, one sign you'repretty comfortable with
something is when you call it byits initials end quote.
Let's talk about survivorblaming, also known as victim
blaming, shall we?
It's when responsibility for atraumatic event is shifted from
(12:30):
the perpetrator to the survivor.
It sounds like why didn't sheleave?
Why didn't he say somethingsooner?
Why did they stay so long?
Why didn't they fight back?
Why are they sending them thesemessages?
Or even what were they wearing?
Survivor blaming is incrediblydamaging.
(12:51):
It invalidates the experiencesof someone who's already been
through something traumatic.
It minimizes or outrightexcuses the action of the person
who caused the harm.
It leaves the survivor feelingisolated, ashamed and
unsupported.
And just as dangerous, it canallow the perpetrator to avoid
(13:13):
consequences or even be consoled, while the survivor is left to
carry the weight alone.
This kind of culturalconditioning doesn't just happen
in courtrooms or commentsections.
It happens in living rooms, infamilies, on talk shows.
And until we start shifting theblame back to where it actually
belongs, we're just reinforcingthe cycle, Skipping over a
(13:38):
little bit.
Bill goes on to say, quote butif we're going to have an honest
conversation about abuse, wealso have to have an honest
conversation about what peopleare willing to do for stardom.
If you want a number one recordon the charts, so bad, you'll
take a number one to the face.
Some of that is on you, and ifyou're doing it for love, well
(13:59):
come on.
Oprah and Dr Phil and everypodcaster in the world have done
a million shows by now abouthow abuse is not love and
abusers don't change.
If it happened once, there willbe more of it.
To pretend otherwise is likeseeing one ant in the sink and
thinking, oh, it's probably justthe one.
If you're literally being heldcaptive, that's one thing, but
(14:21):
if you're putting up withwhatever for love or for your
career, then you need to have alittle more honesty and
accountability about that.
Ike Turner was a psycho, justlike Diddy, but in an era where
there was no movement to helpher, Tina Turner somehow got
away, and she did it with 36cents in her pocket and a mobile
card, end quote.
(14:41):
I'm so glad you brought up TinaTurner.
She's one of my absolutefavorite stories of survival and
success.
In fact, I covered her journeyin a two-part series back in
2023.
You're right, she left Ike withjust 36 cents and a mobile card
in her pocket.
After that, she relied on thekindness of friends moving
(15:05):
constantly amongst them.
When Ike would track her downas a form of payment and a means
to show her gratitude.
She would clean their houses.
She also performed in smallclubs or really anywhere that
would have her, and slowly butsurely she fought her way back
and became the icon we know heras today.
(15:27):
But, Bill, there are a fewpoints you left out of Tina's
story that I would like to bringto your attention.
Did you know that Ike wasbeating and raping her before
they even got married?
I suppose the number ones toher face were on her too.
She only said yes because shewas afraid of what would happen
(15:50):
if she said no.
He took her to Tijuana to signthe marriage papers and get this
.
He took her to a live sex showat a brothel.
Afterward the abuse didn't stopafter they got married.
He beat her, cheated constantly, broke her ribs and her jaw,
(16:14):
and once he threw scaldingcoffee in her face, leaving her
with third degree burns.
She was traumatized and deeplydepressed.
At one point she attempted tooverdose on sleeping pills.
And you want to know what'seven more fucked up?
Is she timed taking the pillsso they wouldn't kick in until
after she had began her set thatevening?
(16:34):
Why?
Well, because she wanted tomake sure that Ike still got
paid, because that's the kind ofemotional manipulation and
control she was living under.
She didn't leave the first time, the second time, the third
time or multiple times afterthat.
I mean, she did eventually tryto leave, but Ike tracked her
(16:57):
down three times and brought herback home.
Any guess on what happened then?
Now, like you said, this was anera without a movement to
support her.
But here's the thing hasanything really changed?
Because between 2001 and 2012,6,488 American soldiers were
(17:19):
killed in Afghanistan.
During that same period, 11,766American women were killed by
current or former male partners.
Think about that, and I'm notbeing overly dramatic.
That's data.
And during just three years,from 2018 to 2021, nearly 4,000
(17:40):
women were murdered by intimatepartners in the United States.
And that's just women.
Fyi, here, domestic violencehappens to men and women,
non-binary transgenders,regardless of sexual orientation
.
So, yes, there are a multitudeof reasons victims don't leave
(18:01):
and while some people maydismiss them as mundane, the
reality is fear is real, thethreat is real and too often it
ends in death.
Here's more numbers to ponder.
On just one day, September 4th2024, over 1,700 domestic
(18:22):
violence programs across theUnited States took part in a
national count led by theNational Network to End Domestic
Violence.
On that single day, they foundthat victims had made 14,095
requests for help that couldn'tbe met.
Why?
Lack of funding, not enoughstaff, not enough beds, not
(18:46):
enough shelter?
60% of those unmet needs werefor housing, emergency shelters,
transitional housing, evenhotel rooms.
So when people ask, why didn'tthey just leave?
This is why, Even when a victimis ready, the help they need
simply might not be there.
The system that's supposed tocatch them has holes, massive
(19:09):
keeping holes, and sometimesthose holes are the difference
between surviving and not.
Surely you've heard enough bynow, but bear with me.
I just have a few more reasonsI want to give you that victims
don't leave right away becausethey're afraid no one will
(19:30):
believe them, because they'reashamed, because they're
terrified of the ridicule thatso often follows when someone
finally speaks up.
And sadly, we are still livingin an era where public figures,
respected voices with massivefollowings use their platforms
(19:54):
to dismiss or diminish asurvivor's truth.
We're talking about comedians,political commentators, talk
show hosts, people with millionsof subscribers, publicly
undermining the very real trauma, manipulation and gaslighting
that survivors endure for years.
(20:14):
And when that happens, it tellsevery victim watching see, no
one will believe you, even ifyou leave, even if you speak up,
so they stay silent or, worse,they go back.
This isn't about individualchoices.
It's about the culture we'vecreated, a culture where cruelty
(20:36):
is cloaked as comedy, whereskepticism is seen as intellect
and where the benefit of thedoubt is too often given to the
abuser and not the abused abuserand not the abused.
If you really want to have anhonest conversation about abuse,
shoot me a message.
(21:04):
Until then, pull yourselftogether, Bill.
Your ignorance is showing.
Thank you for listening.
Sources for today's episode,along with a link to the clip of
the Real Time with Bill Maherepisode I was referring to, can
be found in the show notes.
I'll be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
, always remember you are notalone alone.
(21:36):
Find more information, registeras a guest or leave a review by
going to the website.
One and three podcastcom.
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I n the number three podcastcom.
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at one and three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
One in Three is a .5 Pinoyproduction Music written and
performed by Tim Crow.
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