September 3, 2025 • 48 mins
When you finally escape an abusive relationship, there's that moment of relief—then reality hits. How do you heal yourself while also helping your children process their trauma? This question sits at the heart of today's deeply moving conversation with Jacintha, a family counselor, art therapist, and domestic violence survivor who transformed her personal healing journey into a mission to help families worldwide.
Jacintha opens up about the challenging aftermath of separation relationship that coincided with her son starting school during COVID. Her son's emotional outbursts—throwing bins and running away—became the catalyst for her work in emotional regulation. What started as drawing emotion circles with her son evolved into comprehensive approaches to help children express and process complex feelings.
The conversation offers practical wisdom for parents navigating post-abuse life with children. Jacintha emphasizes the importance of authentic emotional expression: "We need to be really honest with our children about how we're feeling." Rather than hiding your tears, acknowledging them teaches children that emotions are natural and acceptable. This transparency creates space for genuine connection during challenging transitions.
We explore the concept of emotional regulation versus dysregulation, with Jacintha explaining that children's tantrums often represent the culmination of many stressors throughout their day. When a child is fully dysregulated, they literally cannot hear your guidance—allowing the emotion to pass completely before attempting discussion proves more effective than immediate intervention.
For parents feeling overwhelmed, Jacintha offers a powerful reminder: "You need to put your face mask on first." Finding activities that bring you joy is essential for rebuilding your sense of self after abuse. Whether through simple rituals like "tea nights" for reading together, five-minute private check-ins with each child, or creating emotional release spaces in your home, the small connections you build will help both you and your children heal.
Ready to transform your family's healing journey? Listen now to discover practical strategies for processing emotions, understanding children's behavior cues, and rebuilding trust and connection after domestic violence.
Jacintha’s Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/jacintha-field/
https://www.happysoulskids.com/
https://www.instagram.com/jacinthafield
https://www.linkedin.com/in/jacinthafield/
https://www.tiktok.com/jacinthafield
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host.
Ingrid, once you leave adomestic violence relationship,
it is normal to be flooded withemotions, and when you add kids
into the mix, things can feeloverwhelming.
As you work on your own healing, learning to process and manage
your emotions, you're alsofaced with understanding your
(00:23):
children's behavior, helpingthem process their feelings too.
Joining me today to guide usthrough this is Jay, family and
child counselor, art therapistand founder of Happy Souls Kids.
Hi, jay, thank you so much forjoining me.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Thanks so much for having me, Ingrid.
It's nice to see you.
I'm in Australia and you'reover the other side.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yes, yes, and I'm warm, and maybe not quite so hot
anymore, and you're cold,starting to warm up right, we're
on the borderline of doing thehappy dance.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
So we're getting our summer back and I think that
gives everyone a little springin their step.
But we're not quite there yet.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And here we kind of go from summer straight to
winter.
We'll have a little taste rightnow we're having a little taste
of fall but then it'll go backto summer in just a minute and
then it will be cold all of asudden.
It's just really strange here.
So before we dive into talkingabout everything, could you give
a little background aboutyourself, just so the listeners
(01:26):
can get to know you?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, so my background is actually in events
and PR.
I worked with some really bigprojects, but I was always that
kind of person that people wouldcome to with their feelings and
emotions, because I've alwaysbeen good at holding space for
people.
And in 2019, 2020, we separated.
My son started school and itwas COVID all at the same time
and he was not okay.
(01:47):
He was throwing bins around thehouse, he was running up the
street.
His emotions were so wellbeyond anything I could support
at the time.
So, even though I'd been on myown journey, I'd been, you know,
I saw a meditation teacher 20years ago and I'd done breath
work and I'd done my own healingstuff.
When it comes to children, itwas just a complete and utterly
different language.
So I had to really researchwhat I could to support my own
(02:08):
child, and so that's what I did.
I researched and we starteddrawing big circles and I'd ask
him to put the face in how hewas feeling.
Because if I said to him, howare you feeling?
He'd be like good, because whenyou're five years old, you
don't know what emotion is Like.
Everything's just big.
And we'd always read emotionbooks et cetera, but I'd never
related the actual book feelingto how he was feeling, and so
(02:31):
that was what we started doing.
We started really connectingand talking about how we're
feeling.
And that was a really hard timein our life, like it was COVID.
We were stuck in a house We'dseparated, so the entire dynamic
of the household had changedand my poor little guy was just,
(02:52):
you know, he was just not okay.
Then we had to sell our houseand move, and then we moved down
to Torquay, which is thesurfing capital of Australia,
and it was just our element toheal, like we both needed to
heal.
Both of us had these bigfeelings and emotions and all of
this stuff coming up.
And that's what we did.
We moved down to the beach andit was hard, ingrid, for years
and years with my child you knowthere's been so many layers to
(03:14):
my separation which have been sotough.
He's really copped it and mypoor little guys had to go
through so much.
And then, during COVID, I sawthat kids couldn't gain access
to psychologists.
There was a six to 12 monthwait and everything I was doing
which is, ingrid, how it istoday, like there's still a six
to 12 month wait for kids andeverything that I was doing with
(03:35):
my own child, I knew that Icould be of service.
So, yeah, I studied, I had aprivate practice in Torquay for
four years and I really workedwith parents and children.
I mean, I'd been on a healingjourney for 20 years so I'd
implement all of those thingsthat I'd learned with parents,
with children, and when I'm likeI'm like all in.
So you know, when I want tolearn, I will learn as much as I
possibly can.
(03:56):
And so during COVID, whileeveryone else was doing whatever
they were doing, I was studyingand building a life for me and
my son and, yeah, there was somebig moments with him.
But then, yeah, it was justbeautiful because I had a home
practice.
So all of the modalities that Iuse in practice I had available
to my own child at home and hewas able to use sand trays and
slime and all of these things.
(04:18):
And then I was in practice withthe kids one day and I said,
hey, do you want to do somemeditation?
And they just rolled their eyesat me and I was, like you know,
lebron James meditates andinstantaneously that was
something that really excited achild, because meditation isn't
for everyone, breathwork isn'tfor everyone, especially when
you're kids.
So it's learning what can helpchildren and the lessons that we
know as ourselves.
(04:39):
Ingrid, like, imagine you knewas an adult what you know.
Know as a child.
Like our entire life would bedifferent, and that's what we do
at Happy Souls Kids.
So it's now a global platform,which is why we're talking, to
be able to help children andfamilies around the world
connect to themselves and toconnect to each other.
So that's a really long-windedstory of my life, which is
(05:00):
probably only 1%, but that'skind of that's the journey and
the experience of how I've gothere.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
So with your clients, do you have like a whole array
of backgrounds of people whocome to see you?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, I work with a lot of separated couples just
because that was my.
You know my situation and I andI understand the feelings and
emotions and how hardtransitions are for kids.
Like it's like going from Plutoto Mars and I work with like
neurodiverse as well asneurotypical kids and I don't
have a practice now cause I'mworking on the app full time.
(05:36):
But when I was in Torquay, likeit was just I just loved it,
like the difference that I wouldsee in a child from when they
started coming to me then towhen they left.
Like it's just beautiful to beable to be a little piece of
their journey.
So, yeah, that's kind of how Igot to be where I am.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
So, okay, I have a few questions.
So obviously I have a domesticviolence podcast and for someone
who is just getting out of anabusive relationship, they're
trying to deal with their ownemotions and their own healing.
And then, if they have childreninvolved too, the kids
(06:15):
depending on what ages they are.
You know the vast age rangethat they process through their
emotions differently than adults.
So how do you go about healingyourself, healing them, paying
attention to them, being able tounderstand what they're feeling
?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
So first of all, I want to say that I was in a
domestically violentrelationship for 15 years, from
when I was 17.
I met somebody when I was inhigh school and I never realized
how bad that was until I did alot of the healing on my own.
Years later I knew it was bad,but I didn't have that labeled
as domestic violence, which itwas emotionally, physically,
(06:56):
mentally and so I know how badit can get.
I know those elements.
There were some really toughsituations that I've been in,
and I've been in many.
I don't like the word toxic Ithink everyone's on their own
journey, but I like the wordthat are not aligned.
We are not aligned.
We are on different planets,we're in different stages of
(07:17):
life and I spent so much of mytime focused on him and saying
he should treat me better.
I never actually stood back andsaid why am I accepting this?
15 years of my life I acceptedsomebody treating me with
complete and utter disrespect,that was crossing my boundaries.
(07:41):
I never even used to know whata word boundary was, and he was
physically and I would continueto go back and I would go back.
And so when I started askingmyself the question of how low
was my level of self-worth andself-love that I allowed
somebody to treat me like that.
So he is he.
He has his own journey and itis not okay what he did and it
(08:03):
is not okay what anybody does.
But we really need to look intoourselves and say you deserve
more, you deserve love andrespect and you deserve so much
more than what you're getting inthose moments.
And so it's.
It's really.
It's tough because when you'rein a domestically violent
(08:23):
relationship or a relationshipthat it's not aligned, you feel
worthless.
You feel like you are soworthless and I used to have a
ring on my finger when weseparated which said I am enough
, I am enough.
And I used to repeat that tomyself because I was in a hole
(08:44):
of hurt.
Not only had I been in adomestically violent
relationship for 15 years, myseparation was brutal, like
brutal.
One day I was there, the nextday I wasn't.
And it was so tough Becausewhen you are broken and you have
to hold not only yourself butyour children, that's really
(09:05):
difficult.
It's so difficult and I justwant to acknowledge everybody
that's listening that it is sohard and the first step is
really being really authenticand honest with your children
about how you're feeling.
Now we don't need to go in thestory, because we need to
remember that that is stilltheir parent.
Whether that's the mom, the dad, the carer, it's still their
(09:27):
parent and we never want thatchild to hate that parent.
But we can be really honest andauthentic with the child about
how we're feeling.
I'm having a sad day today.
Today has just become a lot forme.
I just need to let my tearsflow.
I need to just go for a walk innature, because that's what I
feel that my soul needs.
I'm so angry at the moment.
(09:49):
I'm going to hit a pillow andI'm going to scream and I'm
going to let all of my anger outon my body and I'm going to go
to the beach and I'm just goingto go out into the ocean and I'm
going to let it all out.
So we need to be authentic withour kids because in those
moments and I'm so guilty ofthis when I'm in pain, I will
hide Like I will just escape theworld.
(10:09):
I don't want people to knowthat I'm not good and I'm gone.
And if you do that with ourkids, especially when they're
going through separation,they're losing you too.
So, when we separate is such abeautiful way that you can
connect with your kids and youcan reconnect with them and you
can be really honest with themin a really healthy way, and
(10:33):
when you don't have yourchildren, we really need you to
be working on yourself, sofinding joy.
What are moments in your lifethat made you so happy?
What were the moments in yourlife that made you light up?
Was?
What were the moments in yourlife that made you light up?
Was it?
For me, it was like rollerskating, so I started roller
skating and skateboarding andsurfing again, and that made my
(10:53):
soul happy.
You know, being out in theocean, being next to it, being
able to watch the sunrise andsunsets like that's all I need.
I don't need much more thanthat, and so it's finding
whatever that means to you.
It could be knitting, it couldbe reading a book, it could be
going out in nature, it could beI don't know what.
What would be yours, ingrid?
(11:13):
Like what?
What would?
What's your joy that you usedto do as a kid, or something you
do with your kids that justmakes you so happy?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I love baking.
I that is always my stressrelief.
When I am overwhelmed.
I just get in and just startbaking all sorts of things.
So yeah, that's my thing.
I love reading.
I might have to move toAustralia because the idea of
going out into the ocean soundsreally lovely.
But I want to say I love whatyou said about being honest with
(11:41):
your emotions, with yourchildren, because it also
teaches them that the emotionsare okay and it's okay to feel
the emotions.
Because I think so many peopletry to push down emotions and
say like, oh, you shouldn't feelthat way, you shouldn't act
that way, and I think that kidscan sometimes get that
impression of, oh, I'm notsupposed to feel sad right now
(12:03):
or I'm not supposed to be madabout that.
So I love, I love giving thatexample of just letting them
know I'm really sad right now, Ineed to go cry or I'm really
mad.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Emotions, like even anxiety, depression.
They all have a place in ourbody and so it's allowing that
to be felt and heard and seenand valued.
And you know, sometimes it'sreally hard and what we call
mirroring behavior is we teachour kids how to process our
emotions.
When my son was eight he's now11, he would use and he still
(12:34):
does.
He said to me Mommy, you'regrumpy, you need to go for a run
.
He knows and I've been movingthrough some big stuff lately a
lot to do with betrayal, andeven just a couple of weeks ago
I just went to the park and Ijust couldn't stop crying.
I was like and he didn't shyaway from that, he was like
that's okay, mommy, you let yourtears flow, you let all your
stuff out of your body, it'sokay.
(12:56):
Mommy, what do you need in thismoment?
Do you need a hug?
And it's just so beautiful thatyou can mirror that stuff to
your children, because it's hardand as long as you are.
I interviewed Dr Shefali onceand I asked her this question
and I said what if you're in arelationship and you see things
(13:17):
so differently, like you're veryconscious and aware and you
love emotions and feelings, butwhat if the other party doesn't.
And she said as long as we'vegot one conscious parent
teaching children about emotionsand feelings, that's okay.
We can't change the other party, we can't change their
trajectory, we can't changetheir purpose and how they live
in their life, but we can justteach kids about how that
feeling's okay.
And so my son we've recentlymoved back to Melbourne from
(13:41):
Torquay and my dad and him havebecome like best friends and
it's so cute.
And he teaches my dad who'slike the biggest eat concrete
harden up, sister hard man.
And my son will say it's okayto cry, granddad, what's wrong
with crying, you know?
And I think that through all ofthis we also get to teach our
next generation that the oldways of feelings and being eat
(14:06):
concrete, harden up.
You'll be right, get over it,stop crying.
It doesn't work anymore withour kids.
They need us to show up in abetter way, and that first means
that we need to show up for abetter way for ourselves too.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Right, and keeping all of that emotion inside isn't
healthy either of that emotioninside isn't healthy either.
Eventually it's going to findits way out and by letting it
out, when it comes and like it'salmost like a it's not such a
big volcano of an explosion oflike if you're upset you go
punch a pillow and scream it'snot losing your mind on your
(14:41):
kids.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, exactly, I mean , I will give you an analogy.
I've had so many traumas in mylife and I thought that I dealt
with them, but I hadn't.
And I went out and drank andpartied for 10, 15, 20 years of
my life and that was the waythat I was dealing with my
feelings and emotions.
I'd mask it with alcohol andthat was not good.
And so, when my son was 18months, I decided that I wanted
(15:05):
to be a different human and Iwanted to be the best mom that I
could be to him.
So it's been almost 10 yearsand I haven't drank and by doing
that I'm teaching my son, youknow, otherwise I would teach
him.
Oh, I'm sad.
Let's grab a drink.
Let's do this, let's grab adrink.
And it's hard because ourbehavior, they are watching and
it's we need to teach them other, healthy ways.
(15:28):
And it's okay to do thatbecause I've been there and I
know how hard it is and I've,I've, I've gone there and I have
no judgment towards anybody,because it is tough.
Nobody gives you a rule bookwhen you become a parent to say
this is how to parent your child.
You have to work it out.
And, as we were talking aboutIngrid, when you've got three
children, four children, twochildren, they're so different,
(15:51):
they're so, so different.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
You think you have it made with one, and then the
next one comes along and throwsyou completely for a loop.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah, you're like I nailed it Like did I?
Did I really?
My boys are so different togirls and and so you know we do
what we can to survive and toget through and if that's what
you need, it's completely okay.
But it wasn't my journey andall I can talk from is my
experiences, that that of what Ihave seen in life, and I mean
I've been doing this work for 20years, so it starts with us.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
It starts with us, right?
So I guess, talking aboutemotion, what is emotional
regulation?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah.
So you know those big tantrumsor emotional releases that kids
have in the most completely andutterly inconvenient times.
It's that.
Let me give you an analogy of achild.
So a child will wake up in themorning.
They're feeling really tired,they're not feeling great, they
don't want to connect from yourenergy.
We shun them out the door toget to school.
Come on, we've got to go, putyour shoes on, get your lunchbox
(16:57):
ready.
You need to go to school, getout, get out.
And we put them in school andthey already start the day a
little bit off.
We don't know why, but it'sjust.
There's something about theirday that they're just like, oh,
I don't feel good.
Then they get to school andthey can't find their friends
and they feel really lonely.
Then they'll go into school andthen the teacher will be like
have you done your homework?
And you're like, oh my gosh,I'm so sorry, I left it at home.
(17:17):
And they'll get really angryand they'll shame you,
potentially in front of theentire class.
They get to recess and theydon't have lunch that they don't
particularly want, or maybethey've forgotten their lunch.
And then they get to lunchtimeand their best friend says I
don't want to be best friendswith you anymore.
I've had enough of you.
And so they just sit there atlunchtime all alone, really sad.
And then towards the end of theday they get in the car and
(17:39):
they're like I am so excited tosee my mum and dad, like I've
had the biggest day.
I just, I just really need them.
And so they get in the car andthey say, hey, do you think that
we could go to ice cream?
Because they know that the icecream's got to help them
self-regulate and make them feelgood in their body.
And we go no, you're notgetting ice cream, you just
you've been at school all day.
(17:59):
And then that emotion happens.
Then it is like whoa, and allof these big feelings and
emotions, and you sit theregoing it's just an ice cream,
get over it.
But it was actually their wholeday.
And so that is us as humans.
You know that can happen to anadult as well as a child, that
it's not just one thing, it's acollective part of our day.
(18:22):
That is like that's the volcano.
And so sometimes if we can justsay if our child's asking for
an ice cream or they wantchocolate, or they're asking for
a connection element, whichsometimes means, mommy, can you
play with me?
That means that they'vesometimes had a really hard day.
So that is emotional regulation.
Where a child is actually ableto regulate their emotions,
(18:44):
they're able to actually feel inand realize I'm angry, this is
what I need in that moment.
Emotional dysregulation is whenthey're just like in that
dysregulated state.
And as a counselor I will saywhen a child is going through
those big emotional releases,otherwise known as a tantrum,
they can't hear you.
So if you sit there and go justbreathe, just breathe, just
(19:07):
breathe, just just just, youknow they can't hear you.
Just let it pass, let theentire emotion pass, because
they can't hear you in thoseelements and talk about, when
it's passed, how they could dothat in another way.
It's what we call in practicethe uno reverse.
So, hey, would you like an unoreverse where they have an
opportunity to go back to thatmoment, to be able to do it in a
(19:28):
way that they may have kind ofbeen a little bit better for
everybody, including themselves,and we don't tell them you
should do this.
In that moment we say, hey, howcould have we dealt with that
in another way?
And so holding up boundariesfor children allows that emotion
to be released from their body,and that's also sometimes
(19:49):
really good too.
I can tell you a story with myson when he was at a supermarket
.
He wanted this particular toyand I refused.
I was like I'm not doing that.
It was like an explosion in thesupermarket, completely and
utterly inconvenient.
And I said I knew what wasgoing on in his life and I knew
that it had nothing to do withthat toy.
(20:09):
And so I said I'm right herewith you, I've got you, but I'm
not getting you that toy.
And I had to move him to a partof the supermarket where you
know we were both obviouslyreally safe.
And I said I'm not getting itfor you, you but I'm happy to
sit with you here with whateveryou've got going on, but I'm
right here with you, I've gotyou, I can handle your big
feelings, but I'm not gettingyou that toy.
(20:29):
And it was about 45 minutes ofhim breaking down.
And I've had many situationslike this, especially after the
transition, of him just havingto release everything that he
had in his body because I knewit wasn't about the toy.
He had so much going on that hejust needed that element of a
boundary to be able to say, oh,okay, and his behavior changed,
(20:51):
his entire being changed.
It's like he almost just saidto me.
Thank you, thank you forletting me release that from my
body Now.
Most people wouldn't have thepatience to do that in a
supermarket, but my example isjust showing you that it's
coming up because it needs to bereleased, so let it, let it,
let it, let it out.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Right.
So I have three kids and, likewhat we were saying, they're
different.
So I have one who, when hestarts to get upset, he will.
He has learned to removehimself.
He will go to his room, he'lllisten to music, he'll calm down
until he is ready toreintroduce himself to everyone
in the household.
(21:31):
I have one child who has allthe emotions.
He feels the good and the badat just huge amounts, and when
he feels them, he lets them outin huge amounts too.
So, like, how do you deal withall these different flying ways
that they process through?
Speaker 2 (21:53):
There's a really good book called Raising Resilient
and Compassionate Children byLael Stone and Marion Rose, and
it is really about sitting inthat with them.
Sometimes kids, especially in asibling dynamic there's so much
rivalry.
That happens with siblings isthat they don't feel seen, heard
and validated.
So you need to give them bothan opportunity in those elements
, especially if it's startingfor them fighting, taking them
(22:15):
away and just saying, hey, Iwant to know what happened, tell
me from your perspective, andrather than saying you're wrong,
you're this, you're that, thatis their perspective.
And so often it just means justhelping them feel seen.
Because when you're seen,ingrid, when you're like someone
truly sees you for who you are,like it feels really nice, and
that's your parents.
And so it's having spaceswithin the household as well.
(22:39):
That is like a calm quarter.
So having slime and a sand trayand having books and having you
know whatever works for themlike whether that's even a
boxing bag is sometimes reallygood to have in the house or
even a what's it called a beanbag is having different
modalities for them to be ableto release their feelings and
(23:01):
saying we don't want you to holdyour feelings in, because
sometimes the one that's lettingit out is actually letting it
out in their body.
The one that goes out and readskeeps it in their body.
So it's just it's.
It's the child that is theharder child is going to teach
you so much more about yourselfand they're actually not so much
(23:23):
harder child I shouldn't saythat but the one that triggers
you the most is actually goingto teach you so much more about
yourself.
And they're the ones that go onto big things, because that
child now is expressing thefeelings verbally.
They learn to not do that, butthey also learn to release it
out of their body.
So if we can look at thingsfrom a different perspective and
(23:45):
actually say, wow, you know, mychild is just releasing out of
their body what they need to, itreally helps us reframe it in a
way that is really healthy.
So it's just having thatconversation and in the moments
when it happens, just say, hey,you've got some big stuff going
on.
That's okay.
What do you need?
What do you need?
Do you want to go for a walktogether?
(24:05):
Do you want to drive somewheretogether?
Do you need me?
Do you need to talk about it?
And it's actually asking whatthe child needs in those moments
.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Yeah, and so I think another thing with in those
moments it's important if thereis a disciplinary action or a
discussion that needs to come.
Probably not the best time whenthey're having that big
emotional release.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Somebody says to you, calm down, and you're just like
, and you're like a beast.
There's this really great bookthat I have called the Red Beast
, and I love this book.
I work with children inpractice and then we make a red
beast and we get like air dryclay and we make a bread beast
and or we draw it on a piece ofpaper and we've all got a red
beast that comes out, evenparents all of us have something
(24:53):
inside that's just like whoa,and so it's teaching kids and
normalizing and saying that'sokay, your red beast came out,
that's okay, and so the softerwe can be with it, the better to
let a child understand that youknow there's a lot there.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
And perhaps when they're calm.
That would be a great time tofigure out, like, hey, when you
feel like that, what do you wantme to do?
Do you want to go somewhere?
Do you want to do something?
Do you want me to get you apunching bag?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Yeah, they're the elements when a child is
regulated, not dysregulated.
That that's when we have thosedeep conversations.
Hey, that was really big.
What do you think could havehelped you in those moments?
Is there anything you need?
You know, I spoke to atherapist on the weekend and
they said that you know, maybegetting some slime or getting a
sand tray or even doing likeshaving cream you know, can help
(25:43):
you with the regulation.
So it's creating that togetherand then giving the child
control.
So we want to give the childcontrol.
Children lose control in theirlife, especially when there's
separation, especially whenthere's all of these really big
things that happen, and so wewant to give kids more of a
control in their life.
Now, I'm really big on yes days.
(26:03):
I don't know if you've everseen the movie Ingrid.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Yes, my kids conned me into one this year.
I actually did one.
Yeah, and how was it?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
for them.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
They loved it, and it was actually funny that we were
actually on vacation already.
So we were in our hotel havingbreakfast in the big common area
, and one of the things theywanted me to do was jump up and
start dancing to a song that hadcome on the radio.
And I said are you sure youwant me to do that?
They were so excited, yes.
(26:34):
So I got up and I just starteddancing the craziest dance.
And then they're like sit down,mom, sit down.
Everybody's looking, but it wasfun.
I mean, it definitely pushed meout of my comfort zone for the
whole day, but it was a greatday.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
But do you notice?
That's what they want.
They have a yes day and theyjust want their mom to have fun.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
What was really cool, too, is they had all talked and
they said mom, we're not goingto because we did watch the
movie, we're not going to askyou to spend all of this money
because we're already onvacation.
So we're like they were justvery aware of things, that they
were not going to ask me becausethey didn't want me to have to
say yes.
So it was sort of like alearning event for them too,
(27:20):
because they were conscientiousabout well, we don't want to get
too crazy, we want mom to enjoyit, Like they were actually
keeping in mind that they wantedme to enjoy it with them.
It was really sweet.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
When you gave them choice, they still made really
good decisions.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
They did, they made great decisions.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, and I ask kids and this is a really great one
to ask your children.
In practice, one of the thingsthat I always, when I have new
clients, is say if you couldstart that, if you could plan
the day from start to finish,what would it look like?
Like if you had full control ofthe day?
nine times out of 10, they say Iwant to be with my family
because that's what you want and, yes, there might be Disneyland
(28:00):
and flying to the moon and allof these other elements in there
.
If you look at the underlying,it's who do you want to be with
you?
And it might be their bestfriend and their family, and
that's what they need is.
They don't need all the reallybig stuff.
They just want to connect inwith you and that's the
important piece of the puzzlethat's missing, like this
inflation.
There's all this stuffhappening in the world.
(28:21):
Everyone's like fearful, we'reworking harder and you know
there's mortgages to pay and allof this, and we are so focused
on the stress that our kids getleft behind.
They don't care about the bighouse and, yes, it's great for
them, but if they had the choicebetween having a connected
parent and having a massivehouse, what do you think they're
(28:41):
going to choose?
They, they want the connectedparent, so it is.
I think, yes, stays is such agreat way for kids to have that
level of control and it's niceto do it, even just one-on-one
time, especially when you've gotlots of siblings, making sure
that you have a lot ofone-on-one time with each of
them, where they get to choosewhat they do and you can put a
price limit on it.
You can say I'll give you ahundred bucks, or you can say
(29:02):
$10 or even $1, or you can say,hey, I want you to plan the
whole day from start to finish,but we're just riding our bikes
and we don't have any cash orwhatever.
Bring food from home, have apicnic, and so just giving them
that element of control is justso, so good for kids to be able
to feel empowered to be able tofeel empowered.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
We have started at night because school has started
back here and we have startedat night to we all read books
and we'll get a cup of.
We each have our little cup oftea and we sit on our couch and
read.
I don't get to read anythingbecause I have my book ready to
go, but my youngest is wantingto read some of the story to me,
and then the other two aresaying hey, mom, let me tell you
(29:49):
what I just read.
Did you know this?
This happened, and it's justsuch a wonderful time just
sitting there.
And what's really cute is I hadtried that one night.
I said, hey, let's do this,because I wanted them to wind
down, start getting ready forbed.
I didn't want them to belooking at the TV or anything
like that, and they loved it.
(30:10):
So now every night they look atme and they say is tonight a
tea night, can we?
Speaker 2 (30:15):
It's so cute.
It's so nice.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
It's so nice, yeah, and they love it and it's Look
at those little things.
Mm-hmm.
So there are so many cues thatkids give that I think parents,
like we were mentioning, presentparents and a lot of parents
miss those cues and they missthe behavior of you mentioned it
(30:43):
earlier.
If somebody just had a reallybad day and they just kind of
blow up because they don't getto have ice cream, and you know
the parents are thinking ofcourse you don't get to have ice
cream, but are there any otherbig behaviors that kids will
display that parents either missor they misinterpret the
(31:04):
meaning behind it?
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Yeah, of course.
I mean we've got to look at theemotion behind the behavior.
So it's what's coming up for usand what's coming up for them.
So if you've really got to putyourself in their shoes and
really look at things from theirperspective of a situation
that's happening, now itmightn't be big for you, it
might just be oh yeah, you andSally just had a fight.
(31:27):
Who cares?
Get over it, you'll be right.
But it's so big for them.
You know it's their whole worldis.
When you're a child is theirbest friend means absolutely
everything to them.
So it's when they becomedefiant there's something to
look at.
When they become defiant,there's something to look at.
When they become angry, whenthey become like they will hide
(31:53):
and they'll be recluse.
When those behaviors start tocome up, that's when I invite
you to ask for connection.
Now, the connection doesn'talways look like what you want
it to look like, like I know.
As parents, we're like hey,let's go for a walk.
Kids hate going for walks Notall of them, but some kids hate
going for walks.
It's not what they want.
To self-regulate, it's not whatthey want to do, and I only
(32:13):
speak about this from my ownchild and many conversations
I've had with my family andparents and friends.
The other one is let's go tothe beach and kids are like I
hate the beach, I don't want togo, and then you can't get them
out for six hours.
So it's it's recognizing whenconnections needed and the
connection piece is what theywant to do.
So sometimes that might begaming, sometimes that might be
(32:33):
beyond technology, but build theconnection first with them and
then have the conversation ofhey, is everything okay?
You'd be really surprised whatcomes out of kids' minds and
what comes out of them whenthey're really honest.
And you know parents hate itwhen I say this, but it's before
(32:54):
bed, that that's where theywant to connect the most, so
it's not after school.
We'll be like, hey, how's yourday?
And they're like good, I don'twant to talk about it, I've had
a big day, I just need somepeace.
And so when they go to sleep,when we are absolutely cooked
and we just want them to go tobed, that's when they start to
open up and we're like oh, Ican't deal with this right now,
I need to go to sleep.
But that's not what childrenneed in those moments.
(33:18):
They need that connection piece.
So, recognizing what it is thatthey need and sometimes, before
bed, if they're finding it hardto sleep, actually ask the
question what is it that you'reneeding right now?
It could be having a wrestlinggame and you get them to win, or
maybe it's like they have extraenergy in their body and they
need to run around the house orrun around the block.
So it's inviting kids in toreally get them to ask
(33:44):
themselves how they're feelingis really important, because the
behaviors you know, such as theemptying of dishwasher or the
house stuff which is alwayscomes up, parents will say, well
, they won't do this.
I'm like, I know, but make it agame.
You know, just put it on.
How quickly can you empty thedishwasher?
Let's put a timer on today, orhey, we're going to do this
together.
Or you know, just put it on,how quickly can you empty the
dishwasher?
Let's put a timer on today, orhey, we're going to do this
(34:05):
together.
Or, you know, make everythinginto a game, because I've
studied play therapy.
It's play.
That's a children's languageand we talk, to try to talk to
them in adult language.
And I also will say there's somany 12 year olds that I will
look after and they just want togo back into their childlike
state where like, well, theyshould be adults and they should
(34:25):
know better and they should beresponsible when they just, they
just want to be kids again.
They don't want theresponsibility all the time
sometimes, they just want to benurtured and loved by you and
you know it's.
It's going into that baby-likestate where, especially if
you've got two siblings, theylike that baby state because,
guess what?
The older one didn't haveanyone around her for two years
(34:46):
and they loved that.
They loved just being the onlyone that got all the attention.
And then the other one comesalong and then there's
resentment and then the kidsfight and there's just so much
going on.
So it's actually having theconversation of hey, I just want
to spend some time with youtoday.
I want to connect to you todayand making sure that the
children are seen, heard andvalidated for who they are.
Because we need to go, we needto really look at the emotion
(35:11):
that's coming up for kids andthat really shows you what the
behaviour is.
But then that invitesconnection.
Often, when we are finding ourchildren very challenging, we go
like this so I actually ask youto bring them in.
So do the opposite.
Just bring them in and be likehey, let's you know, maybe if
(35:34):
there needs to be rewards andpunishments, et cetera.
If that's what you want to do,you know, talk about it after.
Have the connection first.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
One thing I've learned is, with three kids,
they never get individualizedattention, especially when it's
just me in the house, and so westarted doing a.
It's only five minutes, butit's so hard to do more than
five minutes.
But we do a five minute checkin where each child gets to go
into the whatever room room witha door so that the others can,
(36:08):
so that the other two can't comein, and we'll just go in there.
I set my alarm for five minutesand they have the floor.
They get to talk about whateverthey want to talk about.
Sometimes they're just like Ijust want to sit in the room
with you, mom, for five minutes,and sometimes they have
something they want to talkabout, but they are the ones who
usually remember it.
So we'll be carrying on withour day, and then one of them
(36:31):
will say mom, can I have fiveminutes?
And then the other two, I getit next, I get it next, and it's
just.
It's a really nice way of, likeyou said, connecting with them,
because and plus keeping openthose lines of communication
because I want them to be ableto talk to me about anything.
So I, you know, go in, likethis is a safe place, you can
(36:53):
tell me anything.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
I have that with my son too, ingrid.
So thank you for doing thatwith your kids.
It's so beautiful.
But I get him to have fiveminutes.
He can swear, he can yell, hecan scream, he can do whatever
he wants in those five minutes.
And sometimes he will say can Ihave five minutes?
you know, because you know likeobviously we don't want to
encourage swearing necessarilyright but if he knows that
(37:16):
that's a time that he can haveit, if he's got big feelings and
stuff, then it doesn't happenin our day-to-day life because
he knows he's got his time to doit.
I find that that really helpsand, as you were just saying, I
had a moment with my child justyesterday.
I find that that really helpsand, as you were just saying, I
had a moment with my child justyesterday.
Actually, we went to his sportsday.
All day.
He was smashing sugar.
Now I am like a very healthy mumand we talk about the sugar
(37:38):
element because sugar is notgood for him.
He really does get dysregulated, so do I, and so when I picked
him, I went to pick him up fromschool and he had this big rug
that he wanted to take with himand I was there all day and and
so I called him.
I'm like hey, I'm here, this iswhere I am.
And he called me twice and Icould hear it in his voice Like
he was just almost so vulnerableand he couldn't hear me because
(38:02):
his watch was going dead.
I couldn't hear him, and so Ihad to drive around the school
and go back again and I pickedhim up and he goes well.
I'm not happy and I was like,what do you mean?
You're not happy and he goeswell.
I'm not happy.
And I was like, but I've beenhere for 20 minutes.
Like what do you mean?
It wasn't 20.
It was probably six so, butI've been here for six minutes,
(38:23):
he goes well.
You weren't here.
Okay, we need to take a deepbreath here.
And it was because he'd smashedsugar all day and he was
dysregulated and he was likeconfused in his body, because
it's not something that heusually has, but we have days,
certain days, where he's allowedto do those things, and
sometimes it's also what kidsare putting into their body.
That just really affects theirmood their humanness.
(38:46):
So it's like Halloween it's adisaster.
The next day it's an absolutedisaster.
Smashed all this sugar andthey've gone out and they've had
fun, and whatever it might be.
But we just need to really getto the bottom of what's going on
with them and have compassion,and the more we can show up for
compassion.
Because I got out of the car,went to the school, came back
(39:08):
and he was in tears and I waslike you, okay, and he actually
said to me Mommy, I didn't thinkthat you were coming and I was
scared.
Oh.
And then your little heartbreaks.
I'm like, oh yes, I'm alwayshere, I'm just always sometimes
a little bit late.
And if a child responds withthat and he comes into the car
(39:31):
and says I was scared, I didn'tthink that you're going to turn
up, we have a very differentreaction to well, you should
have been here and you shouldhave been doing this and you
should have been doing that.
So that's what we mean, ingrid,when we talk about looking at
the emotions behind the behavioris because their reaction to us
, we parent very differently,and even with our partner,
(39:54):
friends, et cetera.
But if you just look beyondsomebody's language, then you
can actually realize thatthere's somebody that's really
hurting inside.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
Well, that makes sense, I think.
Even as adults that can happen,like if your child is doing
something and they get hurt, oryou know they were down the
street.
You didn't know they were downthe street and you finally see
them, you might tend to startyelling at them where have you
been?
I've been looking all over foryou, but it's because you're
scared.
So it makes sense.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
I'm so scared.
I'm so scared that I didn'tknow where you were.
Like, what a nicer way toexpress ourselves to our kids.
You know, when I had that bigemotional release in the last
two weeks, I went and stayed inTorquay for a week and I said to
my son hey, do you mind thatI'm going?
It was school, he'd had anaccident, he was off school for
ages so I didn't.
He was going to come with me.
But then we thought it wasbetter for him to stay at school
(40:47):
because he had so much time off.
And a guy said hey, is it okayif mummy goes?
Yeah, mummy, I get it, you justneed some time for yourself.
I said I do, darling, I do.
I just need to tap out becauseI can feel myself, I've got a
lot going on and I just need togo have some time for me.
And he honestly respected thatand he loved that.
(41:11):
Now, when I came home, thefloodgates opened and he got
really emotional.
You know, he was like mommy, Ijust you just gone for so long
and I just really miss you.
And I was like, oh, mate, I'mso sorry, but thanks so much for
allowing me that space.
And I called him every night wewatched Survivor together and
but yeah, it's just, it's wejust gotta let, let it out, like
, let them let it out, like, letthem let it out.
It's so beautiful because itdoes, it teaches them.
(41:32):
But, ingrid, you would havetaught your kids how to put on a
bath and you would have taughtthem to do those things over
time, because that's mirroringbehavior, like you've taught
them that.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Right, and that's what's really kind of cool when
you have this connection withyour kids is you start seeing
them doing the same things foryou, because that's what they've
learned.
Yeah, yeah, beautiful Is there,we've covered quite a lot.
Is there anything else that youcan think of that we haven't
(42:02):
covered?
Speaker 2 (42:03):
If you are in a domestically violent
relationship.
I just want to let you knowthat you are worth so much more
and that I know it's really hardto leave.
I was in and out for 15 yearsand I found that really
challenging.
But when you start reallyworking on yourself and
realizing how special you are,you won't accept that type of
(42:25):
behavior.
But it is a journey and it doestake time and you are so worthy
and if you need to get post-itnotes or a ring or put I am
worthy on my screen, I'm notsaying bypass your emotions,
still feel your emotions as well.
But if that little thing getsyou through the day, that little
(42:45):
mantra, that little words canhelp you get through the day,
through the day, that littlemantra, that little words can
help you get through the day.
I think that that's what weneed, because just because
you're a nice person doesn'tmean that everybody else is, and
so you don't need to saveanybody else.
The only person that you needto look after is yourself.
So I think that that's reallyimportant to stay, especially
(43:07):
being that that's what yourbasis of what your podcast is
about is.
I will ask you this question,Ingrid who do you love most in
the entire world?
Speaker 1 (43:17):
My kids.
It should be me right, it's mykids.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
If you weren't here, how could you possibly love your
kids?
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
You need to put your face mask on first and look
after you first, becauseotherwise, if your whole life's
about your kids and wanting tobe the best mom or dad or carer
that you possibly can be, youlose a sense of yourself.
And it's really important thatyou find the essence of who you
are, because that's what yourchildren want for you too.
They want you to be the happymom that goes and dances in
(43:48):
public and makes a complete foolof yourself.
They don't want you to be sad.
They want you to be you becausethat's who they fall in love
with the most.
Every part of you is acceptedwith kids, of course, because
they teach us unconditional love, but if we can find ourselves
and find that joy withinourselves, and find that joy
(44:08):
within ourselves, that's whatour kids really want.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
That's beautiful.
So, before we end, do you wantto share some of your contact
information?
Speaker 2 (44:17):
Yeah, absolutely.
Our app, happy Souls Kids, isin the prototype phase at the
moment.
If you'd like to be one of ourbeta testers, please send me an
email at hello athappysoulskidscom.
So we have happysoulskidscom asour website.
I've got TikTok, Instagram,facebook et cetera with the same
Happy Souls Kids.
And then my name is Jacinta.
It's like a tongue twister.
(44:39):
It's like Samantha and Jacintaput together, my mum's given
everyone a lisp for the rest oftheir life.
That's why everyone calls meJay.
It's J-A-C-I-N-T-H-A-F-I-E-L-D.
So I've got Instagram, tiktok,et cetera.
So please reach out, becausethis journey is not easy and
it's nice to have peoplesurrounding you that understand
and relate, like as this podcast.
Ingrid.
I mean, I, and I'm sure manypeople, appreciate you for
(45:03):
having the courage to start thispodcast, because it really does
help people and neverunderestimate how many people
are listening.
Because they do, because theyneed it.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
they want to be seen, heard and valued, and it's
conversations that you have thatallow other people to be seen
well, thank you, and thank youfor adding such an important
piece to this podcast too,because kids are a big part,
unfortunately, of the domesticviolence relationships and and I
really appreciate everythingthat you shared with us I think
(45:33):
a lot of people will learn abouthow to pause and connect with
their kids more, even when theyfeel they're falling apart
themselves, and you've given alot of great tips for everyone,
so I really appreciate youcoming on and everything you're
doing.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
Just came up for me then, ingrid, was learn not to
be reactive.
Yes, so if you need a couple ofdays to respond back to a
message, take a couple of daysto respond back to that message.
Now, as we talk about, in manyof these situations you need to
be careful what you put inwriting.
So put things through ChatGBTfirst.
(46:11):
Give yourself a couple of daysto just like really decompose
before you write back to things.
It's really important thatpeople are going to trigger you.
Everyone is going to triggeryou.
Learn why that's triggering youand learn that, just like we
talked about with the behaviorbehind children, that's also the
(46:31):
behavior behind big adults too.
So if somebody's been reactive,make sure that you don't go
into that reaction and youcompose yourself and take the
emotion out of it and make sureit's a business transaction.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
That's amazing advice , so thank you again.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Beautiful.
Thanks, Ingrid.
That's amazing advice so thankyou again.
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Thanks, ingrid.
All right, thank you.
Thank you again, jay, forjoining me today and thank you,
warriors, for listening.
I've included all of the linksJay referred to, as well as her
one in three profile, in theshow notes.
I will be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
(47:11):
always remember you are notalone.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
That's the number one .
I-n the number three podcastcom.
Follow 1&3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at 1&3
Podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
1&3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
Thank you,
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host.
Ingrid, once you leave adomestic violence relationship,
it is normal to be flooded withemotions, and when you add kids
into the mix, things can feeloverwhelming.
As you work on your own healing, learning to process and manage
your emotions, you're alsofaced with understanding your
(00:23):
children's behavior, helpingthem process their feelings too.
Joining me today to guide usthrough this is Jay, family and
child counselor, art therapistand founder of Happy Souls Kids.
Hi, jay, thank you so much forjoining me.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Thanks so much for having me, Ingrid.
It's nice to see you.
I'm in Australia and you'reover the other side.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yes, yes, and I'm warm, and maybe not quite so hot
anymore, and you're cold,starting to warm up right, we're
on the borderline of doing thehappy dance.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
So we're getting our summer back and I think that
gives everyone a little springin their step.
But we're not quite there yet.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
And here we kind of go from summer straight to
winter.
We'll have a little taste rightnow we're having a little taste
of fall but then it'll go backto summer in just a minute and
then it will be cold all of asudden.
It's just really strange here.
So before we dive into talkingabout everything, could you give
a little background aboutyourself, just so the listeners
(01:26):
can get to know you?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
Yeah, so my background is actually in events
and PR.
I worked with some really bigprojects, but I was always that
kind of person that people wouldcome to with their feelings and
emotions, because I've alwaysbeen good at holding space for
people.
And in 2019, 2020, we separated.
My son started school and itwas COVID all at the same time
and he was not okay.
(01:47):
He was throwing bins around thehouse, he was running up the
street.
His emotions were so wellbeyond anything I could support
at the time.
So, even though I'd been on myown journey, I'd been, you know,
I saw a meditation teacher 20years ago and I'd done breath
work and I'd done my own healingstuff.
When it comes to children, itwas just a complete and utterly
different language.
So I had to really researchwhat I could to support my own
(02:08):
child, and so that's what I did.
I researched and we starteddrawing big circles and I'd ask
him to put the face in how hewas feeling.
Because if I said to him, howare you feeling?
He'd be like good, because whenyou're five years old, you
don't know what emotion is Like.
Everything's just big.
And we'd always read emotionbooks et cetera, but I'd never
related the actual book feelingto how he was feeling, and so
(02:31):
that was what we started doing.
We started really connectingand talking about how we're
feeling.
And that was a really hard timein our life, like it was COVID.
We were stuck in a house We'dseparated, so the entire dynamic
of the household had changedand my poor little guy was just,
(02:52):
you know, he was just not okay.
Then we had to sell our houseand move, and then we moved down
to Torquay, which is thesurfing capital of Australia,
and it was just our element toheal, like we both needed to
heal.
Both of us had these bigfeelings and emotions and all of
this stuff coming up.
And that's what we did.
We moved down to the beach andit was hard, ingrid, for years
and years with my child you knowthere's been so many layers to
(03:14):
my separation which have been sotough.
He's really copped it and mypoor little guys had to go
through so much.
And then, during COVID, I sawthat kids couldn't gain access
to psychologists.
There was a six to 12 monthwait and everything I was doing
which is, ingrid, how it istoday, like there's still a six
to 12 month wait for kids andeverything that I was doing with
(03:35):
my own child, I knew that Icould be of service.
So, yeah, I studied, I had aprivate practice in Torquay for
four years and I really workedwith parents and children.
I mean, I'd been on a healingjourney for 20 years so I'd
implement all of those thingsthat I'd learned with parents,
with children, and when I'm likeI'm like all in.
So you know, when I want tolearn, I will learn as much as I
possibly can.
(03:56):
And so during COVID, whileeveryone else was doing whatever
they were doing, I was studyingand building a life for me and
my son and, yeah, there was somebig moments with him.
But then, yeah, it was justbeautiful because I had a home
practice.
So all of the modalities that Iuse in practice I had available
to my own child at home and hewas able to use sand trays and
slime and all of these things.
(04:18):
And then I was in practice withthe kids one day and I said,
hey, do you want to do somemeditation?
And they just rolled their eyesat me and I was, like you know,
lebron James meditates andinstantaneously that was
something that really excited achild, because meditation isn't
for everyone, breathwork isn'tfor everyone, especially when
you're kids.
So it's learning what can helpchildren and the lessons that we
know as ourselves.
(04:39):
Ingrid, like, imagine you knewas an adult what you know.
Know as a child.
Like our entire life would bedifferent, and that's what we do
at Happy Souls Kids.
So it's now a global platform,which is why we're talking, to
be able to help children andfamilies around the world
connect to themselves and toconnect to each other.
So that's a really long-windedstory of my life, which is
(05:00):
probably only 1%, but that'skind of that's the journey and
the experience of how I've gothere.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
So with your clients, do you have like a whole array
of backgrounds of people whocome to see you?
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, I work with a lot of separated couples just
because that was my.
You know my situation and I andI understand the feelings and
emotions and how hardtransitions are for kids.
Like it's like going from Plutoto Mars and I work with like
neurodiverse as well asneurotypical kids and I don't
have a practice now cause I'mworking on the app full time.
(05:36):
But when I was in Torquay, likeit was just I just loved it,
like the difference that I wouldsee in a child from when they
started coming to me then towhen they left.
Like it's just beautiful to beable to be a little piece of
their journey.
So, yeah, that's kind of how Igot to be where I am.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
So, okay, I have a few questions.
So obviously I have a domesticviolence podcast and for someone
who is just getting out of anabusive relationship, they're
trying to deal with their ownemotions and their own healing.
And then, if they have childreninvolved too, the kids
(06:15):
depending on what ages they are.
You know the vast age rangethat they process through their
emotions differently than adults.
So how do you go about healingyourself, healing them, paying
attention to them, being able tounderstand what they're feeling
?
Speaker 2 (06:35):
So first of all, I want to say that I was in a
domestically violentrelationship for 15 years, from
when I was 17.
I met somebody when I was inhigh school and I never realized
how bad that was until I did alot of the healing on my own.
Years later I knew it was bad,but I didn't have that labeled
as domestic violence, which itwas emotionally, physically,
(06:56):
mentally and so I know how badit can get.
I know those elements.
There were some really toughsituations that I've been in,
and I've been in many.
I don't like the word toxic Ithink everyone's on their own
journey, but I like the wordthat are not aligned.
We are not aligned.
We are on different planets,we're in different stages of
(07:17):
life and I spent so much of mytime focused on him and saying
he should treat me better.
I never actually stood back andsaid why am I accepting this?
15 years of my life I acceptedsomebody treating me with
complete and utter disrespect,that was crossing my boundaries.
(07:41):
I never even used to know whata word boundary was, and he was
physically and I would continueto go back and I would go back.
And so when I started askingmyself the question of how low
was my level of self-worth andself-love that I allowed
somebody to treat me like that.
So he is he.
He has his own journey and itis not okay what he did and it
(08:03):
is not okay what anybody does.
But we really need to look intoourselves and say you deserve
more, you deserve love andrespect and you deserve so much
more than what you're getting inthose moments.
And so it's.
It's really.
It's tough because when you'rein a domestically violent
(08:23):
relationship or a relationshipthat it's not aligned, you feel
worthless.
You feel like you are soworthless and I used to have a
ring on my finger when weseparated which said I am enough
, I am enough.
And I used to repeat that tomyself because I was in a hole
(08:44):
of hurt.
Not only had I been in adomestically violent
relationship for 15 years, myseparation was brutal, like
brutal.
One day I was there, the nextday I wasn't.
And it was so tough Becausewhen you are broken and you have
to hold not only yourself butyour children, that's really
(09:05):
difficult.
It's so difficult and I justwant to acknowledge everybody
that's listening that it is sohard and the first step is
really being really authenticand honest with your children
about how you're feeling.
Now we don't need to go in thestory, because we need to
remember that that is stilltheir parent.
Whether that's the mom, the dad, the carer, it's still their
(09:27):
parent and we never want thatchild to hate that parent.
But we can be really honest andauthentic with the child about
how we're feeling.
I'm having a sad day today.
Today has just become a lot forme.
I just need to let my tearsflow.
I need to just go for a walk innature, because that's what I
feel that my soul needs.
I'm so angry at the moment.
(09:49):
I'm going to hit a pillow andI'm going to scream and I'm
going to let all of my anger outon my body and I'm going to go
to the beach and I'm just goingto go out into the ocean and I'm
going to let it all out.
So we need to be authentic withour kids because in those
moments and I'm so guilty ofthis when I'm in pain, I will
hide Like I will just escape theworld.
(10:09):
I don't want people to knowthat I'm not good and I'm gone.
And if you do that with ourkids, especially when they're
going through separation,they're losing you too.
So, when we separate is such abeautiful way that you can
connect with your kids and youcan reconnect with them and you
can be really honest with themin a really healthy way, and
(10:33):
when you don't have yourchildren, we really need you to
be working on yourself, sofinding joy.
What are moments in your lifethat made you so happy?
What were the moments in yourlife that made you light up?
Was?
What were the moments in yourlife that made you light up?
Was it?
For me, it was like rollerskating, so I started roller
skating and skateboarding andsurfing again, and that made my
(10:53):
soul happy.
You know, being out in theocean, being next to it, being
able to watch the sunrise andsunsets like that's all I need.
I don't need much more thanthat, and so it's finding
whatever that means to you.
It could be knitting, it couldbe reading a book, it could be
going out in nature, it could beI don't know what.
What would be yours, ingrid?
(11:13):
Like what?
What would?
What's your joy that you usedto do as a kid, or something you
do with your kids that justmakes you so happy?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
I love baking.
I that is always my stressrelief.
When I am overwhelmed.
I just get in and just startbaking all sorts of things.
So yeah, that's my thing.
I love reading.
I might have to move toAustralia because the idea of
going out into the ocean soundsreally lovely.
But I want to say I love whatyou said about being honest with
(11:41):
your emotions, with yourchildren, because it also
teaches them that the emotionsare okay and it's okay to feel
the emotions.
Because I think so many peopletry to push down emotions and
say like, oh, you shouldn't feelthat way, you shouldn't act
that way, and I think that kidscan sometimes get that
impression of, oh, I'm notsupposed to feel sad right now
(12:03):
or I'm not supposed to be madabout that.
So I love, I love giving thatexample of just letting them
know I'm really sad right now, Ineed to go cry or I'm really
mad.
Speaker 2 (12:13):
Emotions, like even anxiety, depression.
They all have a place in ourbody and so it's allowing that
to be felt and heard and seenand valued.
And you know, sometimes it'sreally hard and what we call
mirroring behavior is we teachour kids how to process our
emotions.
When my son was eight he's now11, he would use and he still
(12:34):
does.
He said to me Mommy, you'regrumpy, you need to go for a run
.
He knows and I've been movingthrough some big stuff lately a
lot to do with betrayal, andeven just a couple of weeks ago
I just went to the park and Ijust couldn't stop crying.
I was like and he didn't shyaway from that, he was like
that's okay, mommy, you let yourtears flow, you let all your
stuff out of your body, it'sokay.
(12:56):
Mommy, what do you need in thismoment?
Do you need a hug?
And it's just so beautiful thatyou can mirror that stuff to
your children, because it's hardand as long as you are.
I interviewed Dr Shefali onceand I asked her this question
and I said what if you're in arelationship and you see things
(13:17):
so differently, like you're veryconscious and aware and you
love emotions and feelings, butwhat if the other party doesn't.
And she said as long as we'vegot one conscious parent
teaching children about emotionsand feelings, that's okay.
We can't change the other party, we can't change their
trajectory, we can't changetheir purpose and how they live
in their life, but we can justteach kids about how that
feeling's okay.
And so my son we've recentlymoved back to Melbourne from
(13:41):
Torquay and my dad and him havebecome like best friends and
it's so cute.
And he teaches my dad who'slike the biggest eat concrete
harden up, sister hard man.
And my son will say it's okayto cry, granddad, what's wrong
with crying, you know?
And I think that through all ofthis we also get to teach our
next generation that the oldways of feelings and being eat
(14:06):
concrete, harden up.
You'll be right, get over it,stop crying.
It doesn't work anymore withour kids.
They need us to show up in abetter way, and that first means
that we need to show up for abetter way for ourselves too.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Right, and keeping all of that emotion inside isn't
healthy either of that emotioninside isn't healthy either.
Eventually it's going to findits way out and by letting it
out, when it comes and like it'salmost like a it's not such a
big volcano of an explosion oflike if you're upset you go
punch a pillow and scream it'snot losing your mind on your
(14:41):
kids.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
Yeah, exactly, I mean , I will give you an analogy.
I've had so many traumas in mylife and I thought that I dealt
with them, but I hadn't.
And I went out and drank andpartied for 10, 15, 20 years of
my life and that was the waythat I was dealing with my
feelings and emotions.
I'd mask it with alcohol andthat was not good.
And so, when my son was 18months, I decided that I wanted
(15:05):
to be a different human and Iwanted to be the best mom that I
could be to him.
So it's been almost 10 yearsand I haven't drank and by doing
that I'm teaching my son, youknow, otherwise I would teach
him.
Oh, I'm sad.
Let's grab a drink.
Let's do this, let's grab adrink.
And it's hard because ourbehavior, they are watching and
it's we need to teach them other, healthy ways.
(15:28):
And it's okay to do thatbecause I've been there and I
know how hard it is and I've,I've, I've gone there and I have
no judgment towards anybody,because it is tough.
Nobody gives you a rule bookwhen you become a parent to say
this is how to parent your child.
You have to work it out.
And, as we were talking aboutIngrid, when you've got three
children, four children, twochildren, they're so different,
(15:51):
they're so, so different.
Speaker 1 (15:54):
You think you have it made with one, and then the
next one comes along and throwsyou completely for a loop.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Yeah, you're like I nailed it Like did I?
Did I really?
My boys are so different togirls and and so you know we do
what we can to survive and toget through and if that's what
you need, it's completely okay.
But it wasn't my journey andall I can talk from is my
experiences, that that of what Ihave seen in life, and I mean
I've been doing this work for 20years, so it starts with us.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
It starts with us, right?
So I guess, talking aboutemotion, what is emotional
regulation?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Yeah.
So you know those big tantrumsor emotional releases that kids
have in the most completely andutterly inconvenient times.
It's that.
Let me give you an analogy of achild.
So a child will wake up in themorning.
They're feeling really tired,they're not feeling great, they
don't want to connect from yourenergy.
We shun them out the door toget to school.
Come on, we've got to go, putyour shoes on, get your lunchbox
(16:57):
ready.
You need to go to school, getout, get out.
And we put them in school andthey already start the day a
little bit off.
We don't know why, but it'sjust.
There's something about theirday that they're just like, oh,
I don't feel good.
Then they get to school andthey can't find their friends
and they feel really lonely.
Then they'll go into school andthen the teacher will be like
have you done your homework?
And you're like, oh my gosh,I'm so sorry, I left it at home.
(17:17):
And they'll get really angryand they'll shame you,
potentially in front of theentire class.
They get to recess and theydon't have lunch that they don't
particularly want, or maybethey've forgotten their lunch.
And then they get to lunchtimeand their best friend says I
don't want to be best friendswith you anymore.
I've had enough of you.
And so they just sit there atlunchtime all alone, really sad.
And then towards the end of theday they get in the car and
(17:39):
they're like I am so excited tosee my mum and dad, like I've
had the biggest day.
I just, I just really need them.
And so they get in the car andthey say, hey, do you think that
we could go to ice cream?
Because they know that the icecream's got to help them
self-regulate and make them feelgood in their body.
And we go no, you're notgetting ice cream, you just
you've been at school all day.
(17:59):
And then that emotion happens.
Then it is like whoa, and allof these big feelings and
emotions, and you sit theregoing it's just an ice cream,
get over it.
But it was actually their wholeday.
And so that is us as humans.
You know that can happen to anadult as well as a child, that
it's not just one thing, it's acollective part of our day.
(18:22):
That is like that's the volcano.
And so sometimes if we can justsay if our child's asking for
an ice cream or they wantchocolate, or they're asking for
a connection element, whichsometimes means, mommy, can you
play with me?
That means that they'vesometimes had a really hard day.
So that is emotional regulation.
Where a child is actually ableto regulate their emotions,
(18:44):
they're able to actually feel inand realize I'm angry, this is
what I need in that moment.
Emotional dysregulation is whenthey're just like in that
dysregulated state.
And as a counselor I will saywhen a child is going through
those big emotional releases,otherwise known as a tantrum,
they can't hear you.
So if you sit there and go justbreathe, just breathe, just
(19:07):
breathe, just just just, youknow they can't hear you.
Just let it pass, let theentire emotion pass, because
they can't hear you in thoseelements and talk about, when
it's passed, how they could dothat in another way.
It's what we call in practicethe uno reverse.
So, hey, would you like an unoreverse where they have an
opportunity to go back to thatmoment, to be able to do it in a
(19:28):
way that they may have kind ofbeen a little bit better for
everybody, including themselves,and we don't tell them you
should do this.
In that moment we say, hey, howcould have we dealt with that
in another way?
And so holding up boundariesfor children allows that emotion
to be released from their body,and that's also sometimes
(19:49):
really good too.
I can tell you a story with myson when he was at a supermarket
.
He wanted this particular toyand I refused.
I was like I'm not doing that.
It was like an explosion in thesupermarket, completely and
utterly inconvenient.
And I said I knew what wasgoing on in his life and I knew
that it had nothing to do withthat toy.
(20:09):
And so I said I'm right herewith you, I've got you, but I'm
not getting you that toy.
And I had to move him to a partof the supermarket where you
know we were both obviouslyreally safe.
And I said I'm not getting itfor you, you but I'm happy to
sit with you here with whateveryou've got going on, but I'm
right here with you, I've gotyou, I can handle your big
feelings, but I'm not gettingyou that toy.
(20:29):
And it was about 45 minutes ofhim breaking down.
And I've had many situationslike this, especially after the
transition, of him just havingto release everything that he
had in his body because I knewit wasn't about the toy.
He had so much going on that hejust needed that element of a
boundary to be able to say, oh,okay, and his behavior changed,
(20:51):
his entire being changed.
It's like he almost just saidto me.
Thank you, thank you forletting me release that from my
body Now.
Most people wouldn't have thepatience to do that in a
supermarket, but my example isjust showing you that it's
coming up because it needs to bereleased, so let it, let it,
let it, let it out.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
Right.
So I have three kids and, likewhat we were saying, they're
different.
So I have one who, when hestarts to get upset, he will.
He has learned to removehimself.
He will go to his room, he'lllisten to music, he'll calm down
until he is ready toreintroduce himself to everyone
in the household.
(21:31):
I have one child who has allthe emotions.
He feels the good and the badat just huge amounts, and when
he feels them, he lets them outin huge amounts too.
So, like, how do you deal withall these different flying ways
that they process through?
Speaker 2 (21:53):
There's a really good book called Raising Resilient
and Compassionate Children byLael Stone and Marion Rose, and
it is really about sitting inthat with them.
Sometimes kids, especially in asibling dynamic there's so much
rivalry.
That happens with siblings isthat they don't feel seen, heard
and validated.
So you need to give them bothan opportunity in those elements
, especially if it's startingfor them fighting, taking them
(22:15):
away and just saying, hey, Iwant to know what happened, tell
me from your perspective, andrather than saying you're wrong,
you're this, you're that, thatis their perspective.
And so often it just means justhelping them feel seen.
Because when you're seen,ingrid, when you're like someone
truly sees you for who you are,like it feels really nice, and
that's your parents.
And so it's having spaceswithin the household as well.
(22:39):
That is like a calm quarter.
So having slime and a sand trayand having books and having you
know whatever works for themlike whether that's even a
boxing bag is sometimes reallygood to have in the house or
even a what's it called a beanbag is having different
modalities for them to be ableto release their feelings and
(23:01):
saying we don't want you to holdyour feelings in, because
sometimes the one that's lettingit out is actually letting it
out in their body.
The one that goes out and readskeeps it in their body.
So it's just it's.
It's the child that is theharder child is going to teach
you so much more about yourselfand they're actually not so much
(23:23):
harder child I shouldn't saythat but the one that triggers
you the most is actually goingto teach you so much more about
yourself.
And they're the ones that go onto big things, because that
child now is expressing thefeelings verbally.
They learn to not do that, butthey also learn to release it
out of their body.
So if we can look at thingsfrom a different perspective and
(23:45):
actually say, wow, you know, mychild is just releasing out of
their body what they need to, itreally helps us reframe it in a
way that is really healthy.
So it's just having thatconversation and in the moments
when it happens, just say, hey,you've got some big stuff going
on.
That's okay.
What do you need?
What do you need?
Do you want to go for a walktogether?
(24:05):
Do you want to drive somewheretogether?
Do you need me?
Do you need to talk about it?
And it's actually asking whatthe child needs in those moments
.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Yeah, and so I think another thing with in those
moments it's important if thereis a disciplinary action or a
discussion that needs to come.
Probably not the best time whenthey're having that big
emotional release.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Somebody says to you, calm down, and you're just like
, and you're like a beast.
There's this really great bookthat I have called the Red Beast
, and I love this book.
I work with children inpractice and then we make a red
beast and we get like air dryclay and we make a bread beast
and or we draw it on a piece ofpaper and we've all got a red
beast that comes out, evenparents all of us have something
(24:53):
inside that's just like whoa,and so it's teaching kids and
normalizing and saying that'sokay, your red beast came out,
that's okay, and so the softerwe can be with it, the better to
let a child understand that youknow there's a lot there.
Speaker 1 (25:10):
And perhaps when they're calm.
That would be a great time tofigure out, like, hey, when you
feel like that, what do you wantme to do?
Do you want to go somewhere?
Do you want to do something?
Do you want me to get you apunching bag?
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Yeah, they're the elements when a child is
regulated, not dysregulated.
That that's when we have thosedeep conversations.
Hey, that was really big.
What do you think could havehelped you in those moments?
Is there anything you need?
You know, I spoke to atherapist on the weekend and
they said that you know, maybegetting some slime or getting a
sand tray or even doing likeshaving cream you know, can help
(25:43):
you with the regulation.
So it's creating that togetherand then giving the child
control.
So we want to give the childcontrol.
Children lose control in theirlife, especially when there's
separation, especially whenthere's all of these really big
things that happen, and so wewant to give kids more of a
control in their life.
Now, I'm really big on yes days.
(26:03):
I don't know if you've everseen the movie Ingrid.
Speaker 1 (26:06):
Yes, my kids conned me into one this year.
I actually did one.
Yeah, and how was it?
Speaker 2 (26:11):
for them.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
They loved it, and it was actually funny that we were
actually on vacation already.
So we were in our hotel havingbreakfast in the big common area
, and one of the things theywanted me to do was jump up and
start dancing to a song that hadcome on the radio.
And I said are you sure youwant me to do that?
They were so excited, yes.
(26:34):
So I got up and I just starteddancing the craziest dance.
And then they're like sit down,mom, sit down.
Everybody's looking, but it wasfun.
I mean, it definitely pushed meout of my comfort zone for the
whole day, but it was a greatday.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
But do you notice?
That's what they want.
They have a yes day and theyjust want their mom to have fun.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
What was really cool, too, is they had all talked and
they said mom, we're not goingto because we did watch the
movie, we're not going to askyou to spend all of this money
because we're already onvacation.
So we're like they were justvery aware of things, that they
were not going to ask me becausethey didn't want me to have to
say yes.
So it was sort of like alearning event for them too,
(27:20):
because they were conscientiousabout well, we don't want to get
too crazy, we want mom to enjoyit, Like they were actually
keeping in mind that they wantedme to enjoy it with them.
It was really sweet.
Speaker 2 (27:33):
When you gave them choice, they still made really
good decisions.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
They did, they made great decisions.
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Yeah, and I ask kids and this is a really great one
to ask your children.
In practice, one of the thingsthat I always, when I have new
clients, is say if you couldstart that, if you could plan
the day from start to finish,what would it look like?
Like if you had full control ofthe day?
nine times out of 10, they say Iwant to be with my family
because that's what you want and, yes, there might be Disneyland
(28:00):
and flying to the moon and allof these other elements in there
.
If you look at the underlying,it's who do you want to be with
you?
And it might be their bestfriend and their family, and
that's what they need is.
They don't need all the reallybig stuff.
They just want to connect inwith you and that's the
important piece of the puzzlethat's missing, like this
inflation.
There's all this stuffhappening in the world.
(28:21):
Everyone's like fearful, we'reworking harder and you know
there's mortgages to pay and allof this, and we are so focused
on the stress that our kids getleft behind.
They don't care about the bighouse and, yes, it's great for
them, but if they had the choicebetween having a connected
parent and having a massivehouse, what do you think they're
(28:41):
going to choose?
They, they want the connectedparent, so it is.
I think, yes, stays is such agreat way for kids to have that
level of control and it's niceto do it, even just one-on-one
time, especially when you've gotlots of siblings, making sure
that you have a lot ofone-on-one time with each of
them, where they get to choosewhat they do and you can put a
price limit on it.
You can say I'll give you ahundred bucks, or you can say
(29:02):
$10 or even $1, or you can say,hey, I want you to plan the
whole day from start to finish,but we're just riding our bikes
and we don't have any cash orwhatever.
Bring food from home, have apicnic, and so just giving them
that element of control is justso, so good for kids to be able
to feel empowered to be able tofeel empowered.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
We have started at night because school has started
back here and we have startedat night to we all read books
and we'll get a cup of.
We each have our little cup oftea and we sit on our couch and
read.
I don't get to read anythingbecause I have my book ready to
go, but my youngest is wantingto read some of the story to me,
and then the other two aresaying hey, mom, let me tell you
(29:49):
what I just read.
Did you know this?
This happened, and it's justsuch a wonderful time just
sitting there.
And what's really cute is I hadtried that one night.
I said, hey, let's do this,because I wanted them to wind
down, start getting ready forbed.
I didn't want them to belooking at the TV or anything
like that, and they loved it.
(30:10):
So now every night they look atme and they say is tonight a
tea night, can we?
Speaker 2 (30:15):
It's so cute.
It's so nice.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
It's so nice, yeah, and they love it and it's Look
at those little things.
Mm-hmm.
So there are so many cues thatkids give that I think parents,
like we were mentioning, presentparents and a lot of parents
miss those cues and they missthe behavior of you mentioned it
(30:43):
earlier.
If somebody just had a reallybad day and they just kind of
blow up because they don't getto have ice cream, and you know
the parents are thinking ofcourse you don't get to have ice
cream, but are there any otherbig behaviors that kids will
display that parents either missor they misinterpret the
(31:04):
meaning behind it?
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Yeah, of course.
I mean we've got to look at theemotion behind the behavior.
So it's what's coming up for usand what's coming up for them.
So if you've really got to putyourself in their shoes and
really look at things from theirperspective of a situation
that's happening, now itmightn't be big for you, it
might just be oh yeah, you andSally just had a fight.
(31:27):
Who cares?
Get over it, you'll be right.
But it's so big for them.
You know it's their whole worldis.
When you're a child is theirbest friend means absolutely
everything to them.
So it's when they becomedefiant there's something to
look at.
When they become defiant,there's something to look at.
When they become angry, whenthey become like they will hide
(31:53):
and they'll be recluse.
When those behaviors start tocome up, that's when I invite
you to ask for connection.
Now, the connection doesn'talways look like what you want
it to look like, like I know.
As parents, we're like hey,let's go for a walk.
Kids hate going for walks Notall of them, but some kids hate
going for walks.
It's not what they want.
To self-regulate, it's not whatthey want to do, and I only
(32:13):
speak about this from my ownchild and many conversations
I've had with my family andparents and friends.
The other one is let's go tothe beach and kids are like I
hate the beach, I don't want togo, and then you can't get them
out for six hours.
So it's it's recognizing whenconnections needed and the
connection piece is what theywant to do.
So sometimes that might begaming, sometimes that might be
(32:33):
beyond technology, but build theconnection first with them and
then have the conversation ofhey, is everything okay?
You'd be really surprised whatcomes out of kids' minds and
what comes out of them whenthey're really honest.
And you know parents hate itwhen I say this, but it's before
(32:54):
bed, that that's where theywant to connect the most, so
it's not after school.
We'll be like, hey, how's yourday?
And they're like good, I don'twant to talk about it, I've had
a big day, I just need somepeace.
And so when they go to sleep,when we are absolutely cooked
and we just want them to go tobed, that's when they start to
open up and we're like oh, Ican't deal with this right now,
I need to go to sleep.
But that's not what childrenneed in those moments.
(33:18):
They need that connection piece.
So, recognizing what it is thatthey need and sometimes, before
bed, if they're finding it hardto sleep, actually ask the
question what is it that you'reneeding right now?
It could be having a wrestlinggame and you get them to win, or
maybe it's like they have extraenergy in their body and they
need to run around the house orrun around the block.
So it's inviting kids in toreally get them to ask
(33:44):
themselves how they're feelingis really important, because the
behaviors you know, such as theemptying of dishwasher or the
house stuff which is alwayscomes up, parents will say, well
, they won't do this.
I'm like, I know, but make it agame.
You know, just put it on.
How quickly can you empty thedishwasher?
Let's put a timer on today, orhey, we're going to do this
together.
Or you know, just put it on,how quickly can you empty the
dishwasher?
Let's put a timer on today, orhey, we're going to do this
(34:05):
together.
Or, you know, make everythinginto a game, because I've
studied play therapy.
It's play.
That's a children's languageand we talk, to try to talk to
them in adult language.
And I also will say there's somany 12 year olds that I will
look after and they just want togo back into their childlike
state where like, well, theyshould be adults and they should
(34:25):
know better and they should beresponsible when they just, they
just want to be kids again.
They don't want theresponsibility all the time
sometimes, they just want to benurtured and loved by you and
you know it's.
It's going into that baby-likestate where, especially if
you've got two siblings, theylike that baby state because,
guess what?
The older one didn't haveanyone around her for two years
(34:46):
and they loved that.
They loved just being the onlyone that got all the attention.
And then the other one comesalong and then there's
resentment and then the kidsfight and there's just so much
going on.
So it's actually having theconversation of hey, I just want
to spend some time with youtoday.
I want to connect to you todayand making sure that the
children are seen, heard andvalidated for who they are.
Because we need to go, we needto really look at the emotion
(35:11):
that's coming up for kids andthat really shows you what the
behaviour is.
But then that invitesconnection.
Often, when we are finding ourchildren very challenging, we go
like this so I actually ask youto bring them in.
So do the opposite.
Just bring them in and be likehey, let's you know, maybe if
(35:34):
there needs to be rewards andpunishments, et cetera.
If that's what you want to do,you know, talk about it after.
Have the connection first.
Speaker 1 (35:45):
One thing I've learned is, with three kids,
they never get individualizedattention, especially when it's
just me in the house, and so westarted doing a.
It's only five minutes, butit's so hard to do more than
five minutes.
But we do a five minute checkin where each child gets to go
into the whatever room room witha door so that the others can,
(36:08):
so that the other two can't comein, and we'll just go in there.
I set my alarm for five minutesand they have the floor.
They get to talk about whateverthey want to talk about.
Sometimes they're just like Ijust want to sit in the room
with you, mom, for five minutes,and sometimes they have
something they want to talkabout, but they are the ones who
usually remember it.
So we'll be carrying on withour day, and then one of them
(36:31):
will say mom, can I have fiveminutes?
And then the other two, I getit next, I get it next, and it's
just.
It's a really nice way of, likeyou said, connecting with them,
because and plus keeping openthose lines of communication
because I want them to be ableto talk to me about anything.
So I, you know, go in, likethis is a safe place, you can
(36:53):
tell me anything.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
I have that with my son too, ingrid.
So thank you for doing thatwith your kids.
It's so beautiful.
But I get him to have fiveminutes.
He can swear, he can yell, hecan scream, he can do whatever
he wants in those five minutes.
And sometimes he will say can Ihave five minutes?
you know, because you know likeobviously we don't want to
encourage swearing necessarilyright but if he knows that
(37:16):
that's a time that he can haveit, if he's got big feelings and
stuff, then it doesn't happenin our day-to-day life because
he knows he's got his time to doit.
I find that that really helpsand, as you were just saying, I
had a moment with my child justyesterday.
I find that that really helpsand, as you were just saying, I
had a moment with my child justyesterday.
Actually, we went to his sportsday.
All day.
He was smashing sugar.
Now I am like a very healthy mumand we talk about the sugar
(37:38):
element because sugar is notgood for him.
He really does get dysregulated, so do I, and so when I picked
him, I went to pick him up fromschool and he had this big rug
that he wanted to take with himand I was there all day and and
so I called him.
I'm like hey, I'm here, this iswhere I am.
And he called me twice and Icould hear it in his voice Like
he was just almost so vulnerableand he couldn't hear me because
(38:02):
his watch was going dead.
I couldn't hear him, and so Ihad to drive around the school
and go back again and I pickedhim up and he goes well.
I'm not happy and I was like,what do you mean?
You're not happy and he goeswell.
I'm not happy.
And I was like, but I've beenhere for 20 minutes.
Like what do you mean?
It wasn't 20.
It was probably six so, butI've been here for six minutes,
(38:23):
he goes well.
You weren't here.
Okay, we need to take a deepbreath here.
And it was because he'd smashedsugar all day and he was
dysregulated and he was likeconfused in his body, because
it's not something that heusually has, but we have days,
certain days, where he's allowedto do those things, and
sometimes it's also what kidsare putting into their body.
That just really affects theirmood their humanness.
(38:46):
So it's like Halloween it's adisaster.
The next day it's an absolutedisaster.
Smashed all this sugar andthey've gone out and they've had
fun, and whatever it might be.
But we just need to really getto the bottom of what's going on
with them and have compassion,and the more we can show up for
compassion.
Because I got out of the car,went to the school, came back
(39:08):
and he was in tears and I waslike you, okay, and he actually
said to me Mommy, I didn't thinkthat you were coming and I was
scared.
Oh.
And then your little heartbreaks.
I'm like, oh yes, I'm alwayshere, I'm just always sometimes
a little bit late.
And if a child responds withthat and he comes into the car
(39:31):
and says I was scared, I didn'tthink that you're going to turn
up, we have a very differentreaction to well, you should
have been here and you shouldhave been doing this and you
should have been doing that.
So that's what we mean, ingrid,when we talk about looking at
the emotions behind the behavioris because their reaction to us
, we parent very differently,and even with our partner,
(39:54):
friends, et cetera.
But if you just look beyondsomebody's language, then you
can actually realize thatthere's somebody that's really
hurting inside.
Speaker 1 (40:06):
Well, that makes sense, I think.
Even as adults that can happen,like if your child is doing
something and they get hurt, oryou know they were down the
street.
You didn't know they were downthe street and you finally see
them, you might tend to startyelling at them where have you
been?
I've been looking all over foryou, but it's because you're
scared.
So it makes sense.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
I'm so scared.
I'm so scared that I didn'tknow where you were.
Like, what a nicer way toexpress ourselves to our kids.
You know, when I had that bigemotional release in the last
two weeks, I went and stayed inTorquay for a week and I said to
my son hey, do you mind thatI'm going?
It was school, he'd had anaccident, he was off school for
ages so I didn't.
He was going to come with me.
But then we thought it wasbetter for him to stay at school
(40:47):
because he had so much time off.
And a guy said hey, is it okayif mummy goes?
Yeah, mummy, I get it, you justneed some time for yourself.
I said I do, darling, I do.
I just need to tap out becauseI can feel myself, I've got a
lot going on and I just need togo have some time for me.
And he honestly respected thatand he loved that.
(41:11):
Now, when I came home, thefloodgates opened and he got
really emotional.
You know, he was like mommy, Ijust you just gone for so long
and I just really miss you.
And I was like, oh, mate, I'mso sorry, but thanks so much for
allowing me that space.
And I called him every night wewatched Survivor together and
but yeah, it's just, it's wejust gotta let, let it out, like
, let them let it out, like, letthem let it out.
It's so beautiful because itdoes, it teaches them.
(41:32):
But, ingrid, you would havetaught your kids how to put on a
bath and you would have taughtthem to do those things over
time, because that's mirroringbehavior, like you've taught
them that.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
Right, and that's what's really kind of cool when
you have this connection withyour kids is you start seeing
them doing the same things foryou, because that's what they've
learned.
Yeah, yeah, beautiful Is there,we've covered quite a lot.
Is there anything else that youcan think of that we haven't
(42:02):
covered?
Speaker 2 (42:03):
If you are in a domestically violent
relationship.
I just want to let you knowthat you are worth so much more
and that I know it's really hardto leave.
I was in and out for 15 yearsand I found that really
challenging.
But when you start reallyworking on yourself and
realizing how special you are,you won't accept that type of
(42:25):
behavior.
But it is a journey and it doestake time and you are so worthy
and if you need to get post-itnotes or a ring or put I am
worthy on my screen, I'm notsaying bypass your emotions,
still feel your emotions as well.
But if that little thing getsyou through the day, that little
(42:45):
mantra, that little words canhelp you get through the day,
through the day, that littlemantra, that little words can
help you get through the day.
I think that that's what weneed, because just because
you're a nice person doesn'tmean that everybody else is, and
so you don't need to saveanybody else.
The only person that you needto look after is yourself.
So I think that that's reallyimportant to stay, especially
(43:07):
being that that's what yourbasis of what your podcast is
about is.
I will ask you this question,Ingrid who do you love most in
the entire world?
Speaker 1 (43:17):
My kids.
It should be me right, it's mykids.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
If you weren't here, how could you possibly love your
kids?
Speaker 1 (43:25):
Right.
Speaker 2 (43:26):
You need to put your face mask on first and look
after you first, becauseotherwise, if your whole life's
about your kids and wanting tobe the best mom or dad or carer
that you possibly can be, youlose a sense of yourself.
And it's really important thatyou find the essence of who you
are, because that's what yourchildren want for you too.
They want you to be the happymom that goes and dances in
(43:48):
public and makes a complete foolof yourself.
They don't want you to be sad.
They want you to be you becausethat's who they fall in love
with the most.
Every part of you is acceptedwith kids, of course, because
they teach us unconditional love, but if we can find ourselves
and find that joy withinourselves, and find that joy
(44:08):
within ourselves, that's whatour kids really want.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
That's beautiful.
So, before we end, do you wantto share some of your contact
information?
Speaker 2 (44:17):
Yeah, absolutely.
Our app, happy Souls Kids, isin the prototype phase at the
moment.
If you'd like to be one of ourbeta testers, please send me an
email at hello athappysoulskidscom.
So we have happysoulskidscom asour website.
I've got TikTok, Instagram,facebook et cetera with the same
Happy Souls Kids.
And then my name is Jacinta.
It's like a tongue twister.
(44:39):
It's like Samantha and Jacintaput together, my mum's given
everyone a lisp for the rest oftheir life.
That's why everyone calls meJay.
It's J-A-C-I-N-T-H-A-F-I-E-L-D.
So I've got Instagram, tiktok,et cetera.
So please reach out, becausethis journey is not easy and
it's nice to have peoplesurrounding you that understand
and relate, like as this podcast.
Ingrid.
I mean, I, and I'm sure manypeople, appreciate you for
(45:03):
having the courage to start thispodcast, because it really does
help people and neverunderestimate how many people
are listening.
Because they do, because theyneed it.
Speaker 1 (45:11):
they want to be seen, heard and valued, and it's
conversations that you have thatallow other people to be seen
well, thank you, and thank youfor adding such an important
piece to this podcast too,because kids are a big part,
unfortunately, of the domesticviolence relationships and and I
really appreciate everythingthat you shared with us I think
(45:33):
a lot of people will learn abouthow to pause and connect with
their kids more, even when theyfeel they're falling apart
themselves, and you've given alot of great tips for everyone,
so I really appreciate youcoming on and everything you're
doing.
Speaker 2 (45:50):
Just came up for me then, ingrid, was learn not to
be reactive.
Yes, so if you need a couple ofdays to respond back to a
message, take a couple of daysto respond back to that message.
Now, as we talk about, in manyof these situations you need to
be careful what you put inwriting.
So put things through ChatGBTfirst.
(46:11):
Give yourself a couple of daysto just like really decompose
before you write back to things.
It's really important thatpeople are going to trigger you.
Everyone is going to triggeryou.
Learn why that's triggering youand learn that, just like we
talked about with the behaviorbehind children, that's also the
(46:31):
behavior behind big adults too.
So if somebody's been reactive,make sure that you don't go
into that reaction and youcompose yourself and take the
emotion out of it and make sureit's a business transaction.
Speaker 1 (46:45):
That's amazing advice , so thank you again.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Beautiful.
Thanks, Ingrid.
That's amazing advice so thankyou again.
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (46:49):
Thanks, ingrid.
All right, thank you.
Thank you again, jay, forjoining me today and thank you,
warriors, for listening.
I've included all of the linksJay referred to, as well as her
one in three profile, in theshow notes.
I will be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
(47:11):
always remember you are notalone.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
That's the number one .
I-n the number three podcastcom.
Follow 1&3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at 1&3
Podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
1&3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
Thank you,
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