September 24, 2025 • 63 mins
What does domestic violence really look like behind closed doors? In this raw, unfiltered conversation, host Ingrid sits down with fellow survivor Tiffiny Newton for a candid exploration of abuse dynamics that goes far beyond what most people understand.
Together, they unpack the subtle warning signs that precede full-blown abuse – the love bombing, future faking, and gradual escalation of control that can feel deceptively like love. "It's the green screen of relationships," Tiffiny explains, describing how abusers create an illusion before revealing their true nature. Their discussion reveals how technology has become a powerful tool for abusers, with surveillance cameras, GPS tracking, and digital monitoring creating virtual prisons.
The most chilling revelations come when they discuss how abusers weaponize vulnerabilities. Those personal insecurities and past traumas shared in intimate moments? They become ammunition for devastating psychological attacks later. Both women describe living in constant fight-or-flight mode, where even "good times" become torture because of the anxiety about when the next explosion might occur.
Perhaps most valuable is their practical wisdom about escape. From creating code words with trusted friends to secretly moving belongings to storage units, they offer survival strategies for the most dangerous phase of abuse – when a victim decides to leave. "Focus on what the next 48 hours looks like," Tiffiny advises, breaking down overwhelming fear into manageable steps.
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches, this episode serves as both a wake-up call and a lifeline. Whether you're questioning your own relationship, supporting someone you love, or simply want to understand this pervasive issue better, you'll gain insights that could save lives. Remember Tiffiny's powerful closing message: "You are not ever supposed to be in a position where you feel less than who you really are."
Tiffiny's Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/tiffiny-newton/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi warriors, welcome to one in three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today's episode is going to bea little bit different.
I'm joined by fellow survivor,tiffany Newton, for a casual
conversation on red flags andthe realities of domestic
violence.
As we are about to head intodomestic violence awareness
(00:20):
month, I really want you tolisten, for any insights or
parallels you may connect withyour own experiences.
So grab a cup of coffee, getcomfortable and join Tiffany and
I in this conversation.
Hi Tiffany, thank you so muchfor joining me today.
How are you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Good.
Thanks so much for having me.
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So am I.
Before we get into our justgeneral conversation, could you
give a background, just solisteners can get to know you a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Sure, the main reason we are talking is because of
the domestic violence backgroundthat I have in my abusive
situation.
After escaping I was too fullof shame and guilt to really
talk about it, so I stayed veryinternalized which is not
healthy, by the way veryinternalized and slowly reaching
(01:15):
out to people who got isolated,who I got isolated from.
And as I started sharing mystory, other people started
sharing their stories and littledo you know that most people
you come into contact with havehad some type of abuse, whether
it is verbal, coercive control,gaslighting, whatever the level,
(01:38):
all the way up to physical inthe hospital type scenarios.
So in going through that, Istarted a nonprofit.
I would love to do a shelter,but that takes a lot of time and
a lot of money.
So I started with self-defenseteaching women and bringing in
certified instructors tospecific workshops that we set
(02:00):
up and teaching themself-defense tactics and, you
know, questions from lawenforcement, questions from
mental health counselors to likereally find all the answers in
one place rather than having tosearch on the internet or search
on your phone, because I wasbeing tracked on both of those
devices.
And then from there I wrote abook.
(02:22):
From there I wrote a book andthe book isn't necessarily
geared towards victims who arecurrently in the situation, and
here's why Is you probablyaren't allowed to buy a book
like this.
If it arrived on your doorstepand your abuser saw it, he would
toss it out.
So the book is actually gearedtowards family and friends of
(02:47):
loved ones who are in situations.
So it's more of a guide on howto approach people and have that
discussion and keep yourself asthe safe person to talk to, so
you don't get isolated from thevictim.
And then my story is actuallywoven in as examples.
So it's not about the book, isnot about me.
It is about helping someone andthen giving real life examples
(03:25):
everything.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
And you know, I'm a healthcare professional, so I
know I have some of the trainingto recognize domestic violence.
There's so many people I couldhave reached out to.
I have amazing family, amazingfriends, but I kept it all
internalized.
And then when I got out, I didthe same thing.
I started talking with somefriends and it was, you know,
not to use the hashtag but itwas like, oh, me too, and me too
, and me too, and I have a veryclose-knit group of four women
(03:48):
that I'm friends with locallythat all four of us have been in
some sort of an abusiverelationship.
So it is incredible to hear allthe commonalities among people
that you know and it's you know.
They have no idea about you andyou have no idea about them.
Everybody thought we each hadthese amazing lives.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah, unless you end up in the hospital because of it
.
Most people don't know theother stuff that is considered
abuse, because we all are taughtabuse is the physical side,
right, and that's the firstthing of if you say you were
abused oh where did you get hit?
Like that's the first thingmost people go to, but that
(04:33):
isn't the most common.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Right and that's the easily provable point too is all
that stuff that happens behindthe closed doors, where you're
reluctant to say anything,because how do you even prove
that's happening?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, florida is a two consent state for recording,
so it's not like you can evenrecord them and then bring that
to court.
Right.
I mean, that is a friend of mineactually was in that specific
scenario, like they had theattorneys that she's like.
This is what I have and it ison record.
(05:08):
And they do have, thankfully,one witness that watched it
happen.
So it isn't just the video,because he didn't consent to get
getting videotaped.
They do have backup eyewitness.
But yeah, I mean, how do you goagainst something like that if
it's not seen, it's hard toprove that it's not he said she
(05:30):
said or it does become he saidshe said.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Well, and then, even if you say that, whatever
situation escalates enough tocall the police, but there's no
physical outward appearances bythe time the police show up, you
have an abuser who a lot oftimes has some sort of a
personality disorder where theycan turn it off and turn into
(05:54):
this most charming individualbecause they have zero
accountability.
And then you have a victimwho's just been abused and
freaking out and they look likethey're potentially the crazy
one.
And then it's.
You know this?
Oh, I say this happened to meand it was awful, it was awful.
And then you have the abuser,like I don't know what he or she
(06:17):
are talking about.
Yeah, they're crazy.
Like look, this is what I haveto deal with on the daily and
such a stark example like that.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
If you watch the Gabby Petito story on Netflix,
prime example, brian Landry issitting back there shooting the
crap with the cops and she'slike losing it.
I don't know, it's my fault.
Like I don't know, I probablydid.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Until that gets recognized that behavior
difference it's always going tobe a problem to recognize.
In those scenarios, when a copshows up, the calm one is
probably the abuser.
You're absolutely right, andthat's the exact example that I
(07:20):
thought of when I saw that ittook me.
I can remember there was oneparticular time not a current
position that I have but it waslike you are going to have to do
this or you're going to have todo this, and meanwhile I'm
thinking of my abuser, who'sgoing to flip out about this,
and I'm like you have no idea.
You have no idea what this isgoing to do to me and I'm
(07:41):
looking completely nuts becausethis is so out of context.
Do to me, and I'm lookingcompletely nuts because this is
so out of context and I'm surethey were like holy shit, we
need to let this girl go.
She's a loose cannon.
But it was just thataccumulation of everything just
flooding out.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, it's interesting because I mean the
abuser will make you late forwork, you'll get passed up for
promotions.
Getting promotions, you know itimpacts your ability to fend
(08:30):
for yourself.
In the grand scheme of things,it's.
It's so sad.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh, definitely.
Do you want to speak a littlebit about your personal
experience?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
personal experience.
Sure, I mean I.
One of the biggest things thatI'm such an advocate for is
recognizing red flags, becausethat's the gateway and if you
ignore those first red flags,you're already in the bucket of
trauma bonding because they'regoing, they know they're red
flags, they're enjoying youignoring the red flags and
(09:09):
they're already sucking you in.
So my biggest thing is I met myabuser at a dog park.
So the fact that he lovedanimals, that he was into
fitness, like he ate healthy,Like I, was like, oh my goodness
, where have you been?
Like this, is amazing.
(09:29):
We have such and such in common.
Now I'm a firm believer youdon't need to have everything in
common.
That becomes boring.
You need your time apart, youneed your own hobbies.
But I had been so differentwith people that I had dated
that it was nice and comfortingto find the commonalities right,
(09:50):
Even if it was just a few.
But with him, because ofmirroring, it became quite a lot
right, and so I ignored many ofthe red flags in the beginning.
The future faking, the lovebombing that you know.
Let's go down to Miami for theweekend.
Literally, we started datinglike the month before.
(10:11):
Let's go to Miami for theweekend.
Here's a bracelet.
You know, help me pick out tilefor the new place, because
you'll be spending a bunch oftime there.
Like all of these things, likepainting the pretty picture of
our future and making you feellike it is love, but it's all
fake.
It is like the green screen ofrelationships.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I've never heard that before.
But it's a mask.
It's fake and they're juststanding in front of it or
behind it.
You know, like the mask thatthey're wearing, but they are
okay with lying to you andcoercing you into believing
their way.
They'll eat healthier for awhile with you.
(10:58):
They will go to the gym, butthey'll give you guilt about
going to the gym or what you'rewearing to the gym like the
little.
Let's go do this, but knock youdown a peg right so all of those
little tiny things and then therules become more intense and
the consequences become moreintense.
Like it just becomes thissnowball effect or avalanche
(11:23):
effect by the end of it of ifyou're not doing this, some
severe stuff is going to happen.
Like the threats are, even ifthe actual threat isn't coming
out of their mouth.
Their body language isabsolutely telling you the
threat, backing you into corners, raising their voice, ripping
(11:43):
stuff out of your hand whileyou're at work, throwing your
stuff and breaking your stuff athome.
That means a lot to you gettingrid of things, giving stuff to
goodwill that you've had forprobably 20 plus years, and that
means everything to you allgone.
Those are the things thatanything that meant anything,
planting evidence also.
(12:03):
They will plant evidence andgrill you on it until you're
like, well, I don't know.
I don't know what to believe,until you just succumb and
comply with whatever realitythat they have painted for you.
And that was that was.
(12:24):
I mean, that was.
Psychological torture isbasically mean.
I had to sleep with the lightson, and when I would go to turn
them off, he'd come right backout and be like you're a guest
here, you're going to sleep.
How I tell you to sleep, oh myGod.
And by the time you wake up inthe morning you're like that was
just a bad dream, no way wouldanyone treat.
(12:44):
And you just kind ofcompartmentalize it, you put it
behind, because you wake up inthe morning and he is acting
like nothing ever happened, Likeeverything was lovey-dovey.
Good morning, honey, you know,I love you, whatever let's go to
the gym.
Like all of a sudden you'relike am I losing my mind?
Was that like a nightmare thatI had?
What's going on, like thatstate of confusion alone is a
(13:07):
red flag If you ever feel thatit's time to escape.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Oh, definitely.
And sleep deprivation is a way,one of the means that they use
to help control, because you Imean, when you're not getting
enough sleep, it is difficult tounderstand what is reality,
what is not reality.
And just to be put on thatconstant edge of confusion is
you're just at this heightened.
You're always in that fight orflight, your adrenaline is
(13:34):
always up and you know, the goodtimes eventually, for me, ended
up being worse than the badtimes, because the good times it
was what's going to happen.
I mean, I remember telling himat one point I wish you were
just an asshole all the time, soI knew what to expect every day
.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah, oh, such an uncomfortable feeling constant
state of anxiousness, I guess isthe feeling where your cortisol
levels are crazy high becauseyou're just you're bracing for
what's next.
Like that it's you're going upthe roller coaster, but with a
roller coaster you know the dipis at the end.
(14:16):
You just don't know in therelationship when it's going to
happen.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Right, exactly, and so another thing that you
brought up is a lot of timespeople don't understand that
physical abuse doesn't have tobe a punch or a broken bone or
anything.
Posturing just even standingnext to you to make you feel
like you're intimidated isphysical abuse, and throwing
things for sure is physicalabuse.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah, I mean, it's just.
I mean I'm 5'4", 125 pounds.
He was 6'2", 250.
Double my size.
But he would back me into acorner, back me against the
fridge, back me up against awall and scream in my face like
this, close to my face.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Well, and then they do things like that to push you
into like a reactive abuse.
So then you have no choice butto lash out or defend yourself.
And I mean, it happened to me afew times where I started
yelling and it was almost likean out of body experience where
I'm watching it happen and I'mlike what are you doing?
This isn't you, but it was just, I couldn't control it.
(15:24):
And then they stand back andlook at you and not even think.
They say it out loud like, ohmy gosh, you're crazy.
Luckily for me it didn't cometo this, but some people have
been videotaped, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Right here, Right here.
Yeah, it was at the very end,actually, was it?
Yeah, this was the very lasttime that I actually moved out.
I was naked, except forunderwear, and he had just come
(15:59):
back from a trip and he said youknow why are you using LinkedIn
to date people?
I'm like I'm not using LinkedInfor anything other than it's a
resume site for me, like that'syou connections with, you know
past people you've worked withor networked with within that
business, and he's like that's alie.
(16:21):
And he pulls up this guy whoasked me out on a date seven
years ago, before I even met him, like seven years ago, and I'm
like that was a bazillion yearsago.
You can see I shut it down, youcan see my response, but he was
using it to date.
He would meet someone on Match,follow him on LinkedIn and send
(16:41):
the messages on LinkedIn.
So I found that out and Iconfronted him about it, even
though it was before.
You know we met, whatever, butso was that's what he was coming
at me for.
So he then goes in and startsdeleting them to then make you
know me pointing out proof it'snot there anymore because he's
(17:02):
deleting it.
So now I am crazy, right?
So I lose my shit and I I justwas like like that, feeling like
that.
I felt like a little japaneseanime character, like that's the
best visual.
(17:22):
I love it and I went like thatand like flung my arms out to
this side.
Well, this side hit a glasspicture that was hanging on the
wall.
That was not my intent.
I had blood like dripping offmy hand.
He starts laughing and picks uphis phone and starts
videotaping me.
I'm naked.
I have blood dripping from myhand.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
But he thought it was funny because of I'm crazy, it
like literally it is he.
I mean, he started installingthe first condo that we lived in
.
He put a one camera and it wasat basically at the front bar so
(18:06):
you could see who came in tothe front door and you could see
, like who was in the hallway,in the living room, like it was
kind of like angled, where youcould kind of see the whole room
.
And then he left on a trip andall of a sudden there was a
nanny cam in the bedroom and Ididn't find out about it until
the box literally fell from theshelf.
It was an alarm clock nannycam,oh my God.
(18:30):
And so as soon as I saw that,I'm like I have to protect
myself.
So I got a USB listening device.
It looked like a thumb driveand the audio would kick on when
someone started speaking.
So that's how I found he out.
He cheated on me, oh my god,after he kicked me out of the
condo the first time, um, andthen I got a um, it was a power
(18:57):
bank that you can get and thepower bank had a little pinhole
camera.
Oh, so I got that as wellbecause, miraculously, when I
would leave for work.
The cameras weren't working, ohmy God.
And then we moved to the nextcondo and he installed a camera
(19:20):
in the bedroom, the front door,like there were like four
cameras and he would.
When he was out of town, hewould watch me sleep.
I could see the red light comeon and if the cameras were off
when he was out of town it waslike fix the cameras or you can
move your shit out.
Right now I'll call the copsand have them move you out of
the place.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Well, and there's no reason to have indoor cameras
except for, I mean, if you havepets or something that you need
to keep an eye on, or if youhave children and you're
concerned about.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Like at the doors, point them at the door.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yeah, there's no reason to have it in your
bedroom.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Right, so I had to learn where those cameras were,
cause that's how I ended upsneaking my stuff out prior to
actually moving out, cause I hadto put together a plan, right?
I?
Left four times before thefinal fifth time, and so I
started saying I was givingstuff to Goodwill and so I would
roll stuff out into my car anddrop it off at the storage unit.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Wow.
So what happened?
Because you know the statisticsare on average, somebody takes
seven times to leave before theyofficially leave, and I just
want to point out that if you'reon time number nine, that
doesn't mean that you'rehopeless and you've already
extended your chances.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
You just need the right safety plan to get out.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Right.
So what happened the first fewtimes when you left?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
The first time I left was we had a really dumb fight.
That's when he took my keys andkicked me out and I left the
first listening device behind,just because of some weird
things that happened prior, andthat's a whole other part of the
story.
But I left and he called mewhen I got to the hotel and he
(21:09):
was like you know, are you, areyou sure you don't want to come
here and give me a blow job?
I mean that would just fixeverything.
You know it would put us in abetter place.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like no, I'm, I'm tired, I've been crying, I'm not
coming there tonight.
And that's when he had someonecome over.
He was just confirming that Iwasn't going to come over, but I
(21:31):
didn't know that until I gotthe USB and I went to work and I
listened to what went on thatnight and then I confronted him
about it and he was like we werebroken up.
That had nothing to do with you.
We were broken up and he's likeand how did you record this?
I'm like my iPad.
He's like get the iPad out ofhere before I break it.
(21:52):
Which I lied right.
I lied for my own safety onthat one, because I had the
recording on my phone.
He pushed me down, threw medown and ripped the phone out of
my hand and broke my phone.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Um, so I had to get a new phone.
Um, so that was the first time.
And why I went back after that,I don't know.
Maybe it is his charm and thewe were never, we weren't
together.
You can't technically say thatI cheated on you, blah, blah,
blah.
Another time it was it's all.
(22:29):
It was all been around fights.
We would have a fight and Iwould.
I would say you know, I'm done,I I need to leave this.
This is very dangerous.
One of the times I left duringa hurricane because it was like
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Um, but he was just like youknow, we belong together if it's
(22:49):
just the two of us against theworld.
Like why do you have to put somuch other shit in front of us?
If you were to just put usfirst that, you would be fine.
Like this would.
And like again the future,faking the love, bombing,
bombing the flowers arrive, theyou know we're going to go to
Paris for Christmas, like all ofthis stuff.
Yeah, it just became a drug.
(23:15):
It was a drug of chaos.
Like they loop you into that.
But once you see the light atthe end of the tunnel, that plan
, the safety plan, right, like Iwas exiting things out little
by little.
I had oh he knew I had thestorage unit because some of his
stuff was in there and some ofhis mom's stuff was in there.
(23:37):
But he didn't realize I wasshipping stuff to Amazon boxes,
you know, like those Amazonlockers outside of like Lowe's
and Target and 7-Elevens andwhatever.
I was shipping stuff there andtaking those boxes and dropping
them at the storage unit.
So everything was on my way toand from work.
So if it was a stop it was liketwo seconds.
(24:01):
It never added 10 additionalminutes because he was tracking
my time as well.
So once I had that plan in place, all I was waiting for is what
is going to be the straw thatbroke the camel's back.
What is that one thing thathe's going to say?
That is the line in the sand,like what does he have to do?
(24:22):
And I was working from home ona Saturday.
I had one hour left of work.
I was on the phone with aclient I was working for a
medical facility at the time, sono one could see my computer
because it's all HIPAA compliant.
You know, you have to protectall of the health information.
And he comes in and he dropshis drawers and sticks his dick
(24:44):
in my face and he's like give mea blowjob.
I'm like I'm working, like Ihave another hour, you can wait.
And he's like why can't yousatisfy me?
(25:10):
I deserve blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, like I.
He's like I'm just going.
The other things weren'tdisrespectful, but at that time
I drew the line in the sand,like one more time, of this
blatant disrespect, like thelittle comments weren't enough
to be like okay, that's it.
It was like this was physical,assaulting me with his dick in
(25:34):
my face, like telling me,threatening me that he's going
to go somewhere else, like justthis stuff.
And I was like I'm done, andthat's what.
I shut my computer and I got introuble with work because I
logged off an hour early and Ialmost lost my job.
But that was it.
(25:55):
That was my line in the sand,that was the disrespect that I
said I'm done, I can't handlethis anymore.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Well, and I think there's so many of us that have
that final moment, and it's it.
And it doesn't necessarily comeout of the blue.
It's like what you werementioning.
It's already in your mind.
You're already thinking I can'tdo this anymore.
And for me, I knew, you know, Isaid I know there's going to be
something that happens.
That's going to be the last.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I know I need to.
So it's deciding and tellingyourself and making a promise to
yourself what is that?
What is the last thing that I'mgoing to deal with?
What is that?
Speaker 1 (26:34):
What is the last thing that I'm going to deal
with?
And you may have no idea and itmight be something that's
happened before, but forwhatever reason, that time
you're like that's it, I'm done.
But going back, they are mastermanipulators and they are
fantastic about turning thesituation around.
So if they say somethingdisrespectful to you and you go
(26:57):
up to them and you're like youknow, the other day you called
me this like that's not okay.
Well then they're so good aboutlike you have no idea what was
going on with me in that day.
You never asked me how my daywas and I was having a really
rough day.
You didn't seem to care.
And then you're coming at mewith all of this extra stuff and
(27:17):
I'm already stressed out andI'm just trying to make a great
life for us, and then you'rethrowing this additional stress
on me and then you're like, ohmy God, I am so sorry, I had no
idea.
And you're apologizing forsomething that you never did
wrong.
There's nothing wrong withsaying like, calling me a bitch
(27:39):
is not okay, and I mean, butthey're so good at it, they're
so good at twisting thatnarrative to make you think, oh,
I'm so sorry.
And then you know you thinkback at the beginning the love
bombing like you it was.
It's like a heroin.
I've never done heroin so Ireally don't know if it's truly
like this.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
But it's like that heroin high that you got a taste
of and you're just chasingtrying to get back to it and
it's addictive, it is, andthat's the trauma bond I went
back through because, while Iwas discovering some things
(28:19):
through, when the light firstcame on in my mind, I started
paying closer attention and Istarted in a different email
that he didn't know about, I'dnever accessed on my phone, so
it was never connected toanything that he ever saw.
I did it at work.
I would forward things tomyself and then delete the
(28:42):
forwarding, so it only livedthere and I would delete the
delete as I'm writing the bookand I told him for.
Christmas.
I didn't want any presents, Ijust wanted us to be happy like
(29:05):
we were in the beginning, like Iwas begging for things to get
back to normal, like paragraphupon paragraph upon paragraph of
you know I wish this.
It was like I was trying to woohim versus him apologizing for
anything.
He never apologized foranything until after I, until I,
(29:26):
it was all done and final andit was this didn't matter to me.
I'm so sorry, I'll go get help.
Like of course it mattered.
You monitored everything.
Absolutely was an issue, andthe reality side of things is,
(29:48):
even if you discover something,they'll tell you that wasn't me.
Even if you hard evidence, itwas not me.
That is not me.
I'm like that's your email.
Who else had access to youremail?
No one?
Well then, that's you.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
no, it wasn't me right and they have no problem
denying something that you canprove yeah and then, if on a
chance that they admit that theydid something, it was because
you made them.
They had no choice.
Of course I did that.
Look what you did to me first.
(30:23):
Yeah.
And then it's that living likethat, when you finally get out
and you're trying to healyourself, how you question your
reality even then.
I mean, it's been a really longtime since I've been out of my
relationship and I will sit andthink back on things and think
(30:46):
did that really happen?
Did I maybe exaggerate whathappened in my head?
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
And it is wild.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
It is wild because our memory plays tricks on us
right, like we were so in thefog, I guess, or in the tornado
of that relationship that allyou can do now is trust your
body.
Your body is reacting and willprobably react for many, many,
(31:16):
many years.
I mean, it'll be seven years inOctober since I escaped and I
still wake up with night terrors, like he's sitting on my chest,
like your body as you heal.
There will be something elsethat uncovers or gets triggered
another memory of oh my God, Idid go through that, but I
(31:37):
blocked it Like I never wantedto think of that again.
But that happened and all of asudden you'll break out in tears
for no reason, absolutely for areason.
But for you in that moment it'slike why am I in tears?
And then you realize because itdid happen, because I did go
through this.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Well, and what sucks is you can have other
non-traumatizing memories thathave happened that you can't
remember because it happenedduring that time, where you were
being abused and your brainmore or less was like we need to
close off.
This time You're in, you knowfight or flight and you're just
(32:17):
trying to survive, and so therecan be chunks of your memory
where you're like I cannotremember any of that and you can
have like so many people inyour life saying, no, this
happened.
I mean, my mom and I were justhaving a conversation.
We were trying to talk.
She was telling me about aparty that we had had years and
years and years ago.
And I'm like I don't rememberthat.
(32:39):
What are you talking about?
Yes, and she's like this personwas there and this person was
there.
And I'm like are you sure?
And I'm like that is really notlike me to not remember things.
I have a great memory, and Imean, even going to bed last
night.
It bothered me.
I laid there in bed and I justthought how could I forget this?
(33:02):
It makes absolutely no sense,but it does.
It does make sense.
But yeah, I mean, your brain istrying to protect you.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
It's you know, and you end up hearing, especially
as you start, like coming out ofyour own shell and I'm sure you
experienced this too, becauseit sounds like we were both kind
of in the similar like shameand guilt kind of introvert, you
know, trying to deal with itourselves.
But as you start talking aboutit and other people tell you
their stories, but you don'tnecessarily see yourself in the
(33:35):
story that they're telling.
Like, as an example, I was on aZoom call with someone and they
were telling a story.
But then that night I had adream that I was being raped by
my boyfriend Because it happened, oh my gosh.
(34:07):
But I had blocked it Becauseyou think that just because
you're sharing the same bed,that that's okay.
Yes, let's have sex, whatever,just to comply.
Well, complying is not yes,complying is a coerced yes.
(34:27):
And that's not the same.
And it took me a long time toadmit.
Sexual assault happens in like95% of abuse cases.
It's rape and it's not okay.
They will make you think it'sokay because they reward you for
(34:48):
having sex, because they'renice to you when they're done.
If you're not in the mood,that's a no.
Take care of yourself.
If I didn't do what he wanted,he would violently masturbate
next to me.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Where it shook the whole bed.
It was like guilt trip central.
It became unbearable.
It was unbearable that it'sabusive, or maybe understanding
it is abusive but still thinkingthere's some way to fix it or
not, you know, lost, not surewhat to do.
One of the key things that sortof paves the path of a victim
(35:45):
in actually getting out isencounters that they have with
other people, and are they goingto be believed, are they going
to be supported?
And having a book that'sdirected to those people is so
incredibly important.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, it is a.
It's a scary cover, Ooh okay.
(36:25):
So you're, you're, this is whatyou feel like on the behind your
own mask, right?
So, oh, okay, if you'rechecking, yes, on any of these,
you're in a situation.
Yeah, um, the power and controlwheel is in here.
Any domestic violence ordomestic abuse center has the
(36:46):
power and control wheel and theyhave it for multiple, like
military, lgbtq, like they'vegot them for every known
cultural segment because theyare slightly different for each.
Like teen abuse versus adultabuse, probably the hardest,
(37:13):
because the abuser a lot oftimes is very nice to your
family, very nice on the surfaceto any friend that they let you
still have.
They're amazing to their ownfriends, right, they're
charismatic.
They're charismatic.
(37:34):
They are more than likely havesome type of narcissistic one of
the nine different you know,tendencies that all ball up into
like a chaotic nightmareno-transcript or believed.
(38:04):
I guess I spoke to this youngman.
He's in his 30s and hisgirlfriend was absolutely
abusive to him.
They have a child together.
Anytime he got a job, she wouldshow up and get him fired.
She would cause chaos and gethim fired because she wanted him
where she could have eyes onhim.
She had a camera at the house,kept him like as contained as
(38:25):
possible and he's like I don'tfeel like my contained as
possible and he's like I don'tfeel like my mom believed me and
I'm like your mom absolutelybelieved you because she called
me to talk to you.
Yeah, I met her through a wholeother avenue, but we just
started talking and I was likeyeah, you know, I have a
(38:48):
nonprofit on the side and I helppeople understand what red
flags are and, if they're in badsituations, be able to connect
them to local resources andeducate them on what they're
currently dealing with.
I'm not a therapist.
I absolutely am an advocatebecause I'm also a survivor and
have seen it for myself.
Right, and so she was like well, I want you to talk to my son
(39:10):
and I'm like if his phone'sbeing monitored, I do not want
him calling me directly, becausethat's stranger danger.
If his girlfriend is abusinghim and she sees a girl's number
on your phone that she doesn'trecognize, it's going to get a
hell of a lot worse.
I mean, the girl picked up aknife and tried to stab him at
(39:31):
one point.
So that tells you like theescalation of everything.
But knowing how to set the stage, the terms to utilize, like
don't say you need to leave,because what if the victim goes
(39:51):
back?
Well, my mom or my sister or mycoworker says that I need to
leave, I'm in an abusiverelationship.
Well, guess who's gettingisolated next?
You've already put that personat the top of the list.
Like using that language, youare putting that person in more
isolation, so saying things likehow do you feel when he's not
(40:16):
around?
How do you feel when you have tomake a decision and they want
your?
They say that you need theirapproval to make.
How do you feel even in makingdecisions?
There's a whole plethora ofquestions that you can go
through just to see theiranxiety level.
(40:36):
If they're anxious when thatother person isn't around
because they built that suchtight dependency on them,
they're not supposed to be ableto survive without that abuser.
Right Like that is the mindsetthat the abuser puts into their
head.
So if they're anxious about anydecision that is a normal
(41:00):
decision when the abuser is notthere, then that's a red flag.
I mean, it may be bordering onneon.
I mean there's a difference of ahealthy relationship asking for
hey, this is a big purchase,you know, let's talk about it.
(41:20):
Is it good for us to make thispurchase?
Or if it's something small, areyou going to catch hell for it?
Like stupid stuff, like I stopwhen you go to a bachelorette
party.
You stop at crazy sex storesand you pick up funny things for
(41:41):
bachelorette parties, right, soI have done that.
There's a couple here in Tampathat I have been to and I feel
comfortable going to.
They're not seedy.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
The highway ones, but these are like some nicer ones
that you can go in and like,look around and, you know, get
stuff for bachelorette partiesor your own thing.
And so I got like this littlelingerie thing and I brought it
home and he's like where did youget that?
(42:16):
I'm like I went to a store andhe's like why would you go to a
sex store without me?
Who did you go there with?
Like.
And then that it went totallytanked from there.
Like I thought I was doingsomething like sexual for our
relationship.
Oh, I was the worst person onthe planet because I walked into
(42:37):
a sex store and got like thislittle tiny piece of lingerie
for him and I was the devil atthat point.
Doesn't it blow your mind tolike think back on some of that
now?
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
I always say it's like I watched, like the memory
that is in my mind of what Iwent through is almost like it's
a memory from a movie that Iwatched because, like my person
now wouldn't have lasted thatlong in a relationship like that
I wouldn't have.
But if I had not gone throughthat, today I may go through a
(43:15):
relationship like that because Idon't know that I would have
been aware of what was happening, because I certainly wasn't
aware when I was in it.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
Yeah.
And let me ask you thisquestion because this is
something that I have thoughtabout a lot, Because I just I
think you and I are very, verysimilar on a lot of this stuff.
Yeah, mindset and stuff Priorto my abusive relationship had
(43:52):
been married that failed.
We went through a divorce.
Um, I met one guy that told methat I was doing bodybuilding
for a couple of years.
Um, and he got so jealous thathe told me to he hopes I burned
my skin with the curling iron.
And I was like F you, buddy, I'mdone with you and I was done
right.
Like first bad comment, I wasdone and he was super charming
and definitely a manipulator.
And then I meet this guy.
(44:13):
We have so much in common.
We date for like a month.
I'm head over heels for this guy, like head over heels, but we
didn't have the monogamy,exclusive conversation and I
found out he went on some datesand I was just heartbroken and
he's like I'm not ready for arelationship but we should have
(44:36):
had that before.
I got my like hopes up Rightand so I was still suffering
from that because I really,really liked that guy.
And then I met my abuser.
So our cycles of you knowenergy and our psyche and our
self-worth and self-belief Idon't think it's necessarily
self-confidence because I wasstill.
(44:57):
I was confident in myself butmy self-worth was low.
My self-esteem was low at thattime because of a guy that I
really thought we connected andthen that ended and then I meet
this crazy gorilla, so leadinginto your abuser situation.
(45:30):
Did you have any scenarios thatled you to accept that behavior
in the beginning where youwouldn't have prior?
Speaker 1 (45:49):
Well, it's so funny that you say that, because I
remember in college one yearthere were four women that lived
together and we had one maleroommate and I was really good
friends with him and I remembertalking to him I'm like I don't
know, everybody's going on datesand stuff and I don't get dates
.
And he said your standards aretoo high, you need to lower your
standards.
And I remember thinking I willnever lower my standards and
going forward in differentrelationships.
(46:09):
I had one guy tell me you know,you're the kind of girl I
should marry, and I was soflattered.
And then he went on to saybecause you're not beautiful,
you're cute, you wouldn't be badto wake up to, but you're not
beautiful enough to whereanother man is going to take you
(46:30):
away from me.
And I was like, oh okay, well,I don't want to be in this
relationship anymore.
But I mean that definitely hit.
And then I had anotherrelationship where the guy told
me I need to marry you becausewhen we get divorced you will
have to pay me alimony.
And I mean I was like, okay,you're out and you know it
(46:57):
wasn't.
I wasn't like, oh, okay, well,I guess that would be okay.
You know it wasn't like myself-worth was trash and I
thought that was okay.
I knew those things.
Scenarios were not okay, butthey were still digs at me.
And then, you know, then it waslike it's same thing.
This guy comes into my life andI was like, oh my God, he's
(47:17):
amazing.
Everything I like he likes.
We have the exact same taste inmusic, same taste in you know,
what we like to do.
It was crazy and I was likethis must be what I was, I was
waiting for.
This is why I was dating allthose crappy guys, because this
guy was coming along.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, that, that feeling the white knight right,
the guy riding in on the whitehorse.
I was listening to a podcast.
The lady's name is Mariah.
I've spoken to her on the phonebefore, but I went and listened
to her podcast and she saidsomething so profound and it has
(48:00):
stuck with me for a long time,for at least a couple years.
Now is when I heard it.
But she states this in such away of just when you think you
found the person to save you, orjust when you think you're
being saved, you're actuallypreparing, you're getting
(48:23):
prepared to be cooked, and I satin that for a while and then I
cried about it for a while,because, if we think back to the
abusive relationship, where hasthis person been?
All my life I've been waitingfor this.
This is amazing, this ismagical.
(48:43):
This is you know how come Ididn't come across you before.
I've been waiting for you forso long.
Like all of those thoughts islike the turkey getting fattened
up for Thanksgiving, and Icried about it again and again
and again.
Like it still brings emotionsout in me, like we are not built
(49:07):
that way.
And the fact that someone is soidentical to us is a danger sign
.
Yeah, of dogs we like.
I mean none of us should beidentical we can have similar
(49:29):
things and reactions to things,but if someone is so similar,
someone's faking it.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Right Compatible yes, identical no.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
No, no, no, no.
And if it is identical andyou're like, but, but, but you
know all the come out, startdocumenting.
If that, if they're agreeingand doing things with you
because it's the same thing youlike, they're going to start
(50:05):
using it against you somehow.
It's going to be a weapon.
Yes, of well.
You said you like to make sureto please me and that pleases
you.
You said you like to go to thegym in the morning and you like
to give me a blowjob before wego to the gym in the morning.
You said and they use itagainst you in like, all kinds
(50:29):
of crazy ways and even twistingyour words, and you're like did
I say that?
I?
don't think I said it that way.
I didn't mean it that way.
If I said it that way and youdon't even realize what's coming
next, like the cook chopped the, chop the head off the turkey
and throw it in the oven.
(50:49):
Like you don't realize thatthat is right in front of you.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
Well, right.
And then the even if they'renot identifying like we're
exactly the same, if you sharevulnerabilities, those will come
back to be used against you andit won't be at first.
So if you say, oh, I don't feelpretty, you know, for me, like
this guy said, he wanted tomarry me because I'm not pretty,
not pretty enough to be athreat of leaving him, and then
(51:15):
you know the response is oh, myGod, you're beautiful.
What the heck?
You know he's crazy.
Whatever, I think you're themost beautiful thing that's ever
I've ever met, whatever.
And but later, when it comes tothat whole devaluing phase,
it's well, I mean, she's hot,you're not.
And then there's the wholecomparison of all these things
(51:38):
that you shared, that once were.
You know they build you up,they build up your self-esteem,
just to rip that rug out fromunder you.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Yeah, I got my failed marriage.
I've got, you know, all of thatstuff.
No wonder, no wonder yourmarriage couldn't last.
No wonder you're you know youcan't have, you're not having
children.
I mean, who wants to be marriedto you?
Like all of ugh, just terrible,it's terrible.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
It is.
So let's talk about yournonprofit more too.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
Yeah, so the I knew I wanted to help people and I
didn't know where to start.
So, just like with anything,there's never going to be a
perfect time.
So just start.
You start where you can start,and so for me, because my abuser
was so big and so like doublemy size, like if he had put his
(52:36):
hands on me more than he did, Inow could get out of it.
So I'm getting trained inself-defense the natural avenue
of how helpless I felt.
I wanted to be able to givewomen the power of feeling like
(52:57):
Wonder Woman, like leaving going.
Yeah, like I learned something.
I feel empowered about it.
Whether it's a story they heard, whether it is a move they
learned, whether it is a pieceof knowledge from law
enforcement so they're notscared to call 911, whether it's
the mental aspect of puttingyour head in the right place to
(53:21):
then put the safety plantogether.
I wanted it to be a, a placewhere you can get all of those
things.
So you didn't have to search onthe internet of calling 911 and
ordering pizza was a thing youdidn't have to call, uh.
Or you didn't have to search onthe internet to see if I call
(53:43):
the cops, who gets arrested?
Um, you didn't have to.
You know, search on theinternet if it's your husband or
your boyfriend is at rape.
Having these open discussionswith people and getting their
answers heard, or getting theirquestions heard and answers
given it just brings power right.
(54:06):
This, for sure, is knowledge ispower.
But then you have to turn itinto action and not everyone is
ready for that action.
But I think, like what I did isI tried to think what the next
six months would look like.
That's too scary, Focus onleaving and what the next 48
(54:28):
hours looks like.
Right, Like, shorten that timeframe, make it in a more of a
bite-sized piece of what do Ineed to gather?
Who do I need to tell, Even ifit's, if I call you and I say,
Ingrid, and it should only justbe one person, a trusted person,
not one of their friends orfamily members.
(54:50):
Ingrid, if I ever say the wordpineapple and it's out of
context and really weird thatmeans I need you to come pick me
up.
If I say the word rutabaga somelike random thing that I would
never say if I say that word, Ineed you to call 911 and give
(55:11):
them my address.
So, like having a trustedperson, give a keyword or
keywords where an action cantake place in case it's needed,
right?
Because when you're preparingto leave, danger escalates
dramatically.
Mine got in my face, he punchedmy chest.
He spit in my face All of thosevery demeaning like.
(55:33):
I would not even spit on myworst enemy's face.
It's disgusting.
You're lower than dirt ifyou're doing that and making
sure that that personunderstands what is happening
and what help you need.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
Yeah, and I really want to emphasize that part of
when you're leaving, your dangerreally escalates and you'll
even notice that.
You'll know that because as youstart to recognize more that
you're being abused, you dostart to get a little bit of
your empowerment.
It's almost like you hit thebottom and there's nowhere to go
but up.
But your abuser also recognizesit.
(56:13):
You may not even be like sayanything different.
Speaker 2 (56:16):
Your shift of energy.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
But, yes, your shift of energy, so that abuse is
going to come more frequently,it's going to be more horrific,
the good times are going to getshorter and shorter, but then,
once they start to realize thatthey are actually losing control
, it's all systems go.
They will stop at nothing tokeep that power over you.
So it is so incrediblydangerous, and if you can avoid
(56:41):
telling them that you're leaving, do things like sneaking out
slowly, over time.
That's what you have to do tokeep yourself safe.
And so how do people get intouch with you?
How do they find your book, howdo they find your nonprofit?
Speaker 2 (56:54):
So the easiest way, I mean you can go onto Amazon.
But on my website,tiffanynewtoncom, I have all the
links to like Books, a MillionWalmart Amazon Like.
If you click on that logo ittakes you to there.
So, wherever you buy, somepeople don't want to use Amazon,
Some people only, you know,some people are just brand
specific.
So you can click on that and ittakes you to the order page.
(57:14):
My nonprofit is also listed onthere because the proceeds from
the book do go to the nonprofitand I am.
I have a safety plan that I haveput together I actually spent a
lot of time on it where it is24 red flags to keep out for, to
(57:37):
keep an eye on three financialmoves you can make to keep
yourself financially safe.
It's like three or four pagesto print out and answer
questions like what we weretalking about.
What's the line in the sand?
If they say this, what can yourespond to?
To hold your power, so you canactually write your own mental
plan with it and then have aprivate call.
(57:59):
I have a 10-minute video onthere just telling them a little
bit about my story too, so Ihave that on there.
It's called the Empowered Exit.
So, yeah, there's all kinds ofways to get in touch with me,
and herorg is the um.
It's the nonprofit.
Speaker 1 (58:16):
Okay, and then do you think that we missed anything?
Speaker 2 (58:20):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (58:21):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
And well, one of the big the obstacles, animal
children, right?
Yes, there are.
That's one of the things on mynonprofit site.
(58:42):
For resources, is I made sureto list the local shelters that
have onsite or offsite petfacilities, Because I mean, I
don't have any kids but I havedogs so that could be a.
I mean, I don't have dogs thatare banned from hotels, but you
know, if someone has, like a pitbull or a shepherd or a
Doberman, they may not beallowed to be in a hotel.
So you do have to take an extrastep of planning and you know
(59:05):
what can you get together.
Um, and you know what can youget together.
Like in my, in my stuff for the, the um storage unit, I dog
food, their medication, like Ididn't remove any of that stuff
from the cabinets.
I already had it off to theside.
Um, so if he were to look intoanything it, he wouldn't see
anything missing.
Speaker 1 (59:26):
And pets is such a big thing and I know it's easy
for somebody who has not been ina domestic violence situation
to think just leave the dog andgo, but that has literally kept
somebody in that situation.
I mean things you mentioned atthe beginning, important items.
I mean you didn't have a choice.
(59:47):
He was donating them, butpeople have stayed because if I
leave this table that's been inmy family for generations we'll
get destroyed.
I know he or she is going todestroy that.
So there are things like thatthat are extremely important to
victims and it should never bedownplayed as something that's
(01:00:08):
not important or not somethingthat you can just walk away and
leave behind.
So, in closing, I believe everystory, every voice carries some
sort of a strength, and isthere anything specific that you
would want to leave withlisteners as the strength of the
message to take home today?
Speaker 2 (01:00:31):
I probably the biggest thing is you are loved,
no matter who you are or yourbackground.
You are loved just as God putyou on this planet and never,
ever think that you're lessbecause you're not.
God put you on this earth asperfect, so believe in yourself
(01:00:55):
and, wherever you are, if you'rein this situation, reach out
for help.
Get help to get out so you canlive the life that you were
supposed to live.
Help to get out so you can livethe life that you were supposed
to live.
You are not ever supposed to bein a position where you feel
less than who you really are.
Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Thank you, tiffany.
That was great.
I appreciate your time comingon.
I loved our conversation.
I'm sure we're going to havemore conversations after this,
okay, so thank you again.
Speaker 2 (01:01:27):
Absolutely, thank you .
Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
Thank you again, tiffany, for joining me today,
and thank you, warriors, forlistening.
I've included the links Tiffanywas referring to, as well as
her one in three profile in theshow notes.
I will be back next week withour first episode into the
Domestic Violence AwarenessMonth series.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
(01:01:53):
, always remember you are notalone.
Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
Find more information , register as a guest or leave a
review by going to the website1in3podcastcom.
That's the number1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
(01:02:20):
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
Hi warriors, welcome to one in three.
I'm your host, ingrid.
Today's episode is going to bea little bit different.
I'm joined by fellow survivor,tiffany Newton, for a casual
conversation on red flags andthe realities of domestic
violence.
As we are about to head intodomestic violence awareness
(00:20):
month, I really want you tolisten, for any insights or
parallels you may connect withyour own experiences.
So grab a cup of coffee, getcomfortable and join Tiffany and
I in this conversation.
Hi Tiffany, thank you so muchfor joining me today.
How are you doing?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Good.
Thanks so much for having me.
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So am I.
Before we get into our justgeneral conversation, could you
give a background, just solisteners can get to know you a
little bit?
Speaker 2 (00:53):
Sure, the main reason we are talking is because of
the domestic violence backgroundthat I have in my abusive
situation.
After escaping I was too fullof shame and guilt to really
talk about it, so I stayed veryinternalized which is not
healthy, by the way veryinternalized and slowly reaching
(01:15):
out to people who got isolated,who I got isolated from.
And as I started sharing mystory, other people started
sharing their stories and littledo you know that most people
you come into contact with havehad some type of abuse, whether
it is verbal, coercive control,gaslighting, whatever the level,
(01:38):
all the way up to physical inthe hospital type scenarios.
So in going through that, Istarted a nonprofit.
I would love to do a shelter,but that takes a lot of time and
a lot of money.
So I started with self-defenseteaching women and bringing in
certified instructors tospecific workshops that we set
(02:00):
up and teaching themself-defense tactics and, you
know, questions from lawenforcement, questions from
mental health counselors to likereally find all the answers in
one place rather than having tosearch on the internet or search
on your phone, because I wasbeing tracked on both of those
devices.
And then from there I wrote abook.
(02:22):
From there I wrote a book andthe book isn't necessarily
geared towards victims who arecurrently in the situation, and
here's why Is you probablyaren't allowed to buy a book
like this.
If it arrived on your doorstepand your abuser saw it, he would
toss it out.
So the book is actually gearedtowards family and friends of
(02:47):
loved ones who are in situations.
So it's more of a guide on howto approach people and have that
discussion and keep yourself asthe safe person to talk to, so
you don't get isolated from thevictim.
And then my story is actuallywoven in as examples.
So it's not about the book, isnot about me.
It is about helping someone andthen giving real life examples
(03:25):
everything.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
And you know, I'm a healthcare professional, so I
know I have some of the trainingto recognize domestic violence.
There's so many people I couldhave reached out to.
I have amazing family, amazingfriends, but I kept it all
internalized.
And then when I got out, I didthe same thing.
I started talking with somefriends and it was, you know,
not to use the hashtag but itwas like, oh, me too, and me too
, and me too, and I have a veryclose-knit group of four women
(03:48):
that I'm friends with locallythat all four of us have been in
some sort of an abusiverelationship.
So it is incredible to hear allthe commonalities among people
that you know and it's you know.
They have no idea about you andyou have no idea about them.
Everybody thought we each hadthese amazing lives.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Yeah, unless you end up in the hospital because of it
.
Most people don't know theother stuff that is considered
abuse, because we all are taughtabuse is the physical side,
right, and that's the firstthing of if you say you were
abused oh where did you get hit?
Like that's the first thingmost people go to, but that
(04:33):
isn't the most common.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Right and that's the easily provable point too is all
that stuff that happens behindthe closed doors, where you're
reluctant to say anything,because how do you even prove
that's happening?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, florida is a two consent state for recording,
so it's not like you can evenrecord them and then bring that
to court.
Right.
I mean, that is a friend of mineactually was in that specific
scenario, like they had theattorneys that she's like.
This is what I have and it ison record.
(05:08):
And they do have, thankfully,one witness that watched it
happen.
So it isn't just the video,because he didn't consent to get
getting videotaped.
They do have backup eyewitness.
But yeah, I mean, how do you goagainst something like that if
it's not seen, it's hard toprove that it's not he said she
(05:30):
said or it does become he saidshe said.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Well, and then, even if you say that, whatever
situation escalates enough tocall the police, but there's no
physical outward appearances bythe time the police show up, you
have an abuser who a lot oftimes has some sort of a
personality disorder where theycan turn it off and turn into
(05:54):
this most charming individualbecause they have zero
accountability.
And then you have a victimwho's just been abused and
freaking out and they look likethey're potentially the crazy
one.
And then it's.
You know this?
Oh, I say this happened to meand it was awful, it was awful.
And then you have the abuser,like I don't know what he or she
(06:17):
are talking about.
Yeah, they're crazy.
Like look, this is what I haveto deal with on the daily and
such a stark example like that.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
If you watch the Gabby Petito story on Netflix,
prime example, brian Landry issitting back there shooting the
crap with the cops and she'slike losing it.
I don't know, it's my fault.
Like I don't know, I probablydid.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Until that gets recognized that behavior
difference it's always going tobe a problem to recognize.
In those scenarios, when a copshows up, the calm one is
probably the abuser.
You're absolutely right, andthat's the exact example that I
(07:20):
thought of when I saw that ittook me.
I can remember there was oneparticular time not a current
position that I have but it waslike you are going to have to do
this or you're going to have todo this, and meanwhile I'm
thinking of my abuser, who'sgoing to flip out about this,
and I'm like you have no idea.
You have no idea what this isgoing to do to me and I'm
(07:41):
looking completely nuts becausethis is so out of context.
Do to me, and I'm lookingcompletely nuts because this is
so out of context and I'm surethey were like holy shit, we
need to let this girl go.
She's a loose cannon.
But it was just thataccumulation of everything just
flooding out.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, it's interesting because I mean the
abuser will make you late forwork, you'll get passed up for
promotions.
Getting promotions, you know itimpacts your ability to fend
(08:30):
for yourself.
In the grand scheme of things,it's.
It's so sad.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Oh, definitely.
Do you want to speak a littlebit about your personal
experience?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
personal experience.
Sure, I mean I.
One of the biggest things thatI'm such an advocate for is
recognizing red flags, becausethat's the gateway and if you
ignore those first red flags,you're already in the bucket of
trauma bonding because they'regoing, they know they're red
flags, they're enjoying youignoring the red flags and
(09:09):
they're already sucking you in.
So my biggest thing is I met myabuser at a dog park.
So the fact that he lovedanimals, that he was into
fitness, like he ate healthy,Like I, was like, oh my goodness
, where have you been?
Like this, is amazing.
(09:29):
We have such and such in common.
Now I'm a firm believer youdon't need to have everything in
common.
That becomes boring.
You need your time apart, youneed your own hobbies.
But I had been so differentwith people that I had dated
that it was nice and comfortingto find the commonalities right,
(09:50):
Even if it was just a few.
But with him, because ofmirroring, it became quite a lot
right, and so I ignored many ofthe red flags in the beginning.
The future faking, the lovebombing that you know.
Let's go down to Miami for theweekend.
Literally, we started datinglike the month before.
(10:11):
Let's go to Miami for theweekend.
Here's a bracelet.
You know, help me pick out tilefor the new place, because
you'll be spending a bunch oftime there.
Like all of these things, likepainting the pretty picture of
our future and making you feellike it is love, but it's all
fake.
It is like the green screen ofrelationships.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
I've never heard that before.
But it's a mask.
It's fake and they're juststanding in front of it or
behind it.
You know, like the mask thatthey're wearing, but they are
okay with lying to you andcoercing you into believing
their way.
They'll eat healthier for awhile with you.
(10:58):
They will go to the gym, butthey'll give you guilt about
going to the gym or what you'rewearing to the gym like the
little.
Let's go do this, but knock youdown a peg right so all of those
little tiny things and then therules become more intense and
the consequences become moreintense.
Like it just becomes thissnowball effect or avalanche
(11:23):
effect by the end of it of ifyou're not doing this, some
severe stuff is going to happen.
Like the threats are, even ifthe actual threat isn't coming
out of their mouth.
Their body language isabsolutely telling you the
threat, backing you into corners, raising their voice, ripping
(11:43):
stuff out of your hand whileyou're at work, throwing your
stuff and breaking your stuff athome.
That means a lot to you gettingrid of things, giving stuff to
goodwill that you've had forprobably 20 plus years, and that
means everything to you allgone.
Those are the things thatanything that meant anything,
planting evidence also.
(12:03):
They will plant evidence andgrill you on it until you're
like, well, I don't know.
I don't know what to believe,until you just succumb and
comply with whatever realitythat they have painted for you.
And that was that was.
(12:24):
I mean, that was.
Psychological torture isbasically mean.
I had to sleep with the lightson, and when I would go to turn
them off, he'd come right backout and be like you're a guest
here, you're going to sleep.
How I tell you to sleep, oh myGod.
And by the time you wake up inthe morning you're like that was
just a bad dream, no way wouldanyone treat.
(12:44):
And you just kind ofcompartmentalize it, you put it
behind, because you wake up inthe morning and he is acting
like nothing ever happened, Likeeverything was lovey-dovey.
Good morning, honey, you know,I love you, whatever let's go to
the gym.
Like all of a sudden you'relike am I losing my mind?
Was that like a nightmare thatI had?
What's going on, like thatstate of confusion alone is a
(13:07):
red flag If you ever feel thatit's time to escape.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Oh, definitely.
And sleep deprivation is a way,one of the means that they use
to help control, because you Imean, when you're not getting
enough sleep, it is difficult tounderstand what is reality,
what is not reality.
And just to be put on thatconstant edge of confusion is
you're just at this heightened.
You're always in that fight orflight, your adrenaline is
(13:34):
always up and you know, the goodtimes eventually, for me, ended
up being worse than the badtimes, because the good times it
was what's going to happen.
I mean, I remember telling himat one point I wish you were
just an asshole all the time, soI knew what to expect every day
.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
Yeah, oh, such an uncomfortable feeling constant
state of anxiousness, I guess isthe feeling where your cortisol
levels are crazy high becauseyou're just you're bracing for
what's next.
Like that it's you're going upthe roller coaster, but with a
roller coaster you know the dipis at the end.
(14:16):
You just don't know in therelationship when it's going to
happen.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
Right, exactly, and so another thing that you
brought up is a lot of timespeople don't understand that
physical abuse doesn't have tobe a punch or a broken bone or
anything.
Posturing just even standingnext to you to make you feel
like you're intimidated isphysical abuse, and throwing
things for sure is physicalabuse.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah, I mean, it's just.
I mean I'm 5'4", 125 pounds.
He was 6'2", 250.
Double my size.
But he would back me into acorner, back me against the
fridge, back me up against awall and scream in my face like
this, close to my face.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
Well, and then they do things like that to push you
into like a reactive abuse.
So then you have no choice butto lash out or defend yourself.
And I mean, it happened to me afew times where I started
yelling and it was almost likean out of body experience where
I'm watching it happen and I'mlike what are you doing?
This isn't you, but it was just, I couldn't control it.
(15:24):
And then they stand back andlook at you and not even think.
They say it out loud like, ohmy gosh, you're crazy.
Luckily for me it didn't cometo this, but some people have
been videotaped, you know.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Right here, Right here.
Yeah, it was at the very end,actually, was it?
Yeah, this was the very lasttime that I actually moved out.
I was naked, except forunderwear, and he had just come
(15:59):
back from a trip and he said youknow why are you using LinkedIn
to date people?
I'm like I'm not using LinkedInfor anything other than it's a
resume site for me, like that'syou connections with, you know
past people you've worked withor networked with within that
business, and he's like that's alie.
(16:21):
And he pulls up this guy whoasked me out on a date seven
years ago, before I even met him, like seven years ago, and I'm
like that was a bazillion yearsago.
You can see I shut it down, youcan see my response, but he was
using it to date.
He would meet someone on Match,follow him on LinkedIn and send
(16:41):
the messages on LinkedIn.
So I found that out and Iconfronted him about it, even
though it was before.
You know we met, whatever, butso was that's what he was coming
at me for.
So he then goes in and startsdeleting them to then make you
know me pointing out proof it'snot there anymore because he's
(17:02):
deleting it.
So now I am crazy, right?
So I lose my shit and I I justwas like like that, feeling like
that.
I felt like a little japaneseanime character, like that's the
best visual.
(17:22):
I love it and I went like thatand like flung my arms out to
this side.
Well, this side hit a glasspicture that was hanging on the
wall.
That was not my intent.
I had blood like dripping offmy hand.
He starts laughing and picks uphis phone and starts
videotaping me.
I'm naked.
I have blood dripping from myhand.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
But he thought it was funny because of I'm crazy, it
like literally it is he.
I mean, he started installingthe first condo that we lived in
.
He put a one camera and it wasat basically at the front bar so
(18:06):
you could see who came in tothe front door and you could see
, like who was in the hallway,in the living room, like it was
kind of like angled, where youcould kind of see the whole room
.
And then he left on a trip andall of a sudden there was a
nanny cam in the bedroom and Ididn't find out about it until
the box literally fell from theshelf.
It was an alarm clock nannycam,oh my God.
(18:30):
And so as soon as I saw that,I'm like I have to protect
myself.
So I got a USB listening device.
It looked like a thumb driveand the audio would kick on when
someone started speaking.
So that's how I found he out.
He cheated on me, oh my god,after he kicked me out of the
condo the first time, um, andthen I got a um, it was a power
(18:57):
bank that you can get and thepower bank had a little pinhole
camera.
Oh, so I got that as wellbecause, miraculously, when I
would leave for work.
The cameras weren't working, ohmy God.
And then we moved to the nextcondo and he installed a camera
(19:20):
in the bedroom, the front door,like there were like four
cameras and he would.
When he was out of town, hewould watch me sleep.
I could see the red light comeon and if the cameras were off
when he was out of town it waslike fix the cameras or you can
move your shit out.
Right now I'll call the copsand have them move you out of
the place.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Well, and there's no reason to have indoor cameras
except for, I mean, if you havepets or something that you need
to keep an eye on, or if youhave children and you're
concerned about.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Like at the doors, point them at the door.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yeah, there's no reason to have it in your
bedroom.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Right, so I had to learn where those cameras were,
cause that's how I ended upsneaking my stuff out prior to
actually moving out, cause I hadto put together a plan, right?
I?
Left four times before thefinal fifth time, and so I
started saying I was givingstuff to Goodwill and so I would
roll stuff out into my car anddrop it off at the storage unit.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Wow.
So what happened?
Because you know the statisticsare on average, somebody takes
seven times to leave before theyofficially leave, and I just
want to point out that if you'reon time number nine, that
doesn't mean that you'rehopeless and you've already
extended your chances.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
You just need the right safety plan to get out.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Right.
So what happened the first fewtimes when you left?
Speaker 2 (20:46):
The first time I left was we had a really dumb fight.
That's when he took my keys andkicked me out and I left the
first listening device behind,just because of some weird
things that happened prior, andthat's a whole other part of the
story.
But I left and he called mewhen I got to the hotel and he
(21:09):
was like you know, are you, areyou sure you don't want to come
here and give me a blow job?
I mean that would just fixeverything.
You know it would put us in abetter place.
Blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like no, I'm, I'm tired, I've been crying, I'm not
coming there tonight.
And that's when he had someonecome over.
He was just confirming that Iwasn't going to come over, but I
(21:31):
didn't know that until I gotthe USB and I went to work and I
listened to what went on thatnight and then I confronted him
about it and he was like we werebroken up.
That had nothing to do with you.
We were broken up and he's likeand how did you record this?
I'm like my iPad.
He's like get the iPad out ofhere before I break it.
(21:52):
Which I lied right.
I lied for my own safety onthat one, because I had the
recording on my phone.
He pushed me down, threw medown and ripped the phone out of
my hand and broke my phone.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Um, so I had to get a new phone.
Um, so that was the first time.
And why I went back after that,I don't know.
Maybe it is his charm and thewe were never, we weren't
together.
You can't technically say thatI cheated on you, blah, blah,
blah.
Another time it was it's all.
(22:29):
It was all been around fights.
We would have a fight and Iwould.
I would say you know, I'm done,I I need to leave this.
This is very dangerous.
One of the times I left duringa hurricane because it was like
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Um, but he was just like youknow, we belong together if it's
(22:49):
just the two of us against theworld.
Like why do you have to put somuch other shit in front of us?
If you were to just put usfirst that, you would be fine.
Like this would.
And like again the future,faking the love, bombing,
bombing the flowers arrive, theyou know we're going to go to
Paris for Christmas, like all ofthis stuff.
Yeah, it just became a drug.
(23:15):
It was a drug of chaos.
Like they loop you into that.
But once you see the light atthe end of the tunnel, that plan
, the safety plan, right, like Iwas exiting things out little
by little.
I had oh he knew I had thestorage unit because some of his
stuff was in there and some ofhis mom's stuff was in there.
(23:37):
But he didn't realize I wasshipping stuff to Amazon boxes,
you know, like those Amazonlockers outside of like Lowe's
and Target and 7-Elevens andwhatever.
I was shipping stuff there andtaking those boxes and dropping
them at the storage unit.
So everything was on my way toand from work.
So if it was a stop it was liketwo seconds.
(24:01):
It never added 10 additionalminutes because he was tracking
my time as well.
So once I had that plan in place, all I was waiting for is what
is going to be the straw thatbroke the camel's back.
What is that one thing thathe's going to say?
That is the line in the sand,like what does he have to do?
(24:22):
And I was working from home ona Saturday.
I had one hour left of work.
I was on the phone with aclient I was working for a
medical facility at the time, sono one could see my computer
because it's all HIPAA compliant.
You know, you have to protectall of the health information.
And he comes in and he dropshis drawers and sticks his dick
(24:44):
in my face and he's like give mea blowjob.
I'm like I'm working, like Ihave another hour, you can wait.
And he's like why can't yousatisfy me?
(25:10):
I deserve blah, blah, blah,blah, blah, like I.
He's like I'm just going.
The other things weren'tdisrespectful, but at that time
I drew the line in the sand,like one more time, of this
blatant disrespect, like thelittle comments weren't enough
to be like okay, that's it.
It was like this was physical,assaulting me with his dick in
(25:34):
my face, like telling me,threatening me that he's going
to go somewhere else, like justthis stuff.
And I was like I'm done, andthat's what.
I shut my computer and I got introuble with work because I
logged off an hour early and Ialmost lost my job.
But that was it.
(25:55):
That was my line in the sand,that was the disrespect that I
said I'm done, I can't handlethis anymore.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
Well, and I think there's so many of us that have
that final moment, and it's it.
And it doesn't necessarily comeout of the blue.
It's like what you werementioning.
It's already in your mind.
You're already thinking I can'tdo this anymore.
And for me, I knew, you know, Isaid I know there's going to be
something that happens.
That's going to be the last.
Speaker 2 (26:24):
I know I need to.
So it's deciding and tellingyourself and making a promise to
yourself what is that?
What is the last thing that I'mgoing to deal with?
What is that?
Speaker 1 (26:34):
What is the last thing that I'm going to deal
with?
And you may have no idea and itmight be something that's
happened before, but forwhatever reason, that time
you're like that's it, I'm done.
But going back, they are mastermanipulators and they are
fantastic about turning thesituation around.
So if they say somethingdisrespectful to you and you go
(26:57):
up to them and you're like youknow, the other day you called
me this like that's not okay.
Well then they're so good aboutlike you have no idea what was
going on with me in that day.
You never asked me how my daywas and I was having a really
rough day.
You didn't seem to care.
And then you're coming at mewith all of this extra stuff and
(27:17):
I'm already stressed out andI'm just trying to make a great
life for us, and then you'rethrowing this additional stress
on me and then you're like, ohmy God, I am so sorry, I had no
idea.
And you're apologizing forsomething that you never did
wrong.
There's nothing wrong withsaying like, calling me a bitch
(27:39):
is not okay, and I mean, butthey're so good at it, they're
so good at twisting thatnarrative to make you think, oh,
I'm so sorry.
And then you know you thinkback at the beginning the love
bombing like you it was.
It's like a heroin.
I've never done heroin so Ireally don't know if it's truly
like this.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
But it's like that heroin high that you got a taste
of and you're just chasingtrying to get back to it and
it's addictive, it is, andthat's the trauma bond I went
back through because, while Iwas discovering some things
(28:19):
through, when the light firstcame on in my mind, I started
paying closer attention and Istarted in a different email
that he didn't know about, I'dnever accessed on my phone, so
it was never connected toanything that he ever saw.
I did it at work.
I would forward things tomyself and then delete the
(28:42):
forwarding, so it only livedthere and I would delete the
delete as I'm writing the bookand I told him for.
Christmas.
I didn't want any presents, Ijust wanted us to be happy like
(29:05):
we were in the beginning, like Iwas begging for things to get
back to normal, like paragraphupon paragraph upon paragraph of
you know I wish this.
It was like I was trying to woohim versus him apologizing for
anything.
He never apologized foranything until after I, until I,
(29:26):
it was all done and final andit was this didn't matter to me.
I'm so sorry, I'll go get help.
Like of course it mattered.
You monitored everything.
Absolutely was an issue, andthe reality side of things is,
(29:48):
even if you discover something,they'll tell you that wasn't me.
Even if you hard evidence, itwas not me.
That is not me.
I'm like that's your email.
Who else had access to youremail?
No one?
Well then, that's you.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
no, it wasn't me right and they have no problem
denying something that you canprove yeah and then, if on a
chance that they admit that theydid something, it was because
you made them.
They had no choice.
Of course I did that.
Look what you did to me first.
(30:23):
Yeah.
And then it's that living likethat, when you finally get out
and you're trying to healyourself, how you question your
reality even then.
I mean, it's been a really longtime since I've been out of my
relationship and I will sit andthink back on things and think
(30:46):
did that really happen?
Did I maybe exaggerate whathappened in my head?
Speaker 2 (30:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (30:52):
And it is wild.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
It is wild because our memory plays tricks on us
right, like we were so in thefog, I guess, or in the tornado
of that relationship that allyou can do now is trust your
body.
Your body is reacting and willprobably react for many, many,
(31:16):
many years.
I mean, it'll be seven years inOctober since I escaped and I
still wake up with night terrors, like he's sitting on my chest,
like your body as you heal.
There will be something elsethat uncovers or gets triggered
another memory of oh my God, Idid go through that, but I
(31:37):
blocked it Like I never wantedto think of that again.
But that happened and all of asudden you'll break out in tears
for no reason, absolutely for areason.
But for you in that moment it'slike why am I in tears?
And then you realize because itdid happen, because I did go
through this.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
Well, and what sucks is you can have other
non-traumatizing memories thathave happened that you can't
remember because it happenedduring that time, where you were
being abused and your brainmore or less was like we need to
close off.
This time You're in, you knowfight or flight and you're just
(32:17):
trying to survive, and so therecan be chunks of your memory
where you're like I cannotremember any of that and you can
have like so many people inyour life saying, no, this
happened.
I mean, my mom and I were justhaving a conversation.
We were trying to talk.
She was telling me about aparty that we had had years and
years and years ago.
And I'm like I don't rememberthat.
(32:39):
What are you talking about?
Yes, and she's like this personwas there and this person was
there.
And I'm like are you sure?
And I'm like that is really notlike me to not remember things.
I have a great memory, and Imean, even going to bed last
night.
It bothered me.
I laid there in bed and I justthought how could I forget this?
(33:02):
It makes absolutely no sense,but it does.
It does make sense.
But yeah, I mean, your brain istrying to protect you.
Speaker 2 (33:12):
It's you know, and you end up hearing, especially
as you start, like coming out ofyour own shell and I'm sure you
experienced this too, becauseit sounds like we were both kind
of in the similar like shameand guilt kind of introvert, you
know, trying to deal with itourselves.
But as you start talking aboutit and other people tell you
their stories, but you don'tnecessarily see yourself in the
(33:35):
story that they're telling.
Like, as an example, I was on aZoom call with someone and they
were telling a story.
But then that night I had adream that I was being raped by
my boyfriend Because it happened, oh my gosh.
(34:07):
But I had blocked it Becauseyou think that just because
you're sharing the same bed,that that's okay.
Yes, let's have sex, whatever,just to comply.
Well, complying is not yes,complying is a coerced yes.
(34:27):
And that's not the same.
And it took me a long time toadmit.
Sexual assault happens in like95% of abuse cases.
It's rape and it's not okay.
They will make you think it'sokay because they reward you for
(34:48):
having sex, because they'renice to you when they're done.
If you're not in the mood,that's a no.
Take care of yourself.
If I didn't do what he wanted,he would violently masturbate
next to me.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Where it shook the whole bed.
It was like guilt trip central.
It became unbearable.
It was unbearable that it'sabusive, or maybe understanding
it is abusive but still thinkingthere's some way to fix it or
not, you know, lost, not surewhat to do.
One of the key things that sortof paves the path of a victim
(35:45):
in actually getting out isencounters that they have with
other people, and are they goingto be believed, are they going
to be supported?
And having a book that'sdirected to those people is so
incredibly important.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, it is a.
It's a scary cover, Ooh okay.
(36:25):
So you're, you're, this is whatyou feel like on the behind your
own mask, right?
So, oh, okay, if you'rechecking, yes, on any of these,
you're in a situation.
Yeah, um, the power and controlwheel is in here.
Any domestic violence ordomestic abuse center has the
(36:46):
power and control wheel and theyhave it for multiple, like
military, lgbtq, like they'vegot them for every known
cultural segment because theyare slightly different for each.
Like teen abuse versus adultabuse, probably the hardest,
(37:13):
because the abuser a lot oftimes is very nice to your
family, very nice on the surfaceto any friend that they let you
still have.
They're amazing to their ownfriends, right, they're
charismatic.
They're charismatic.
(37:34):
They are more than likely havesome type of narcissistic one of
the nine different you know,tendencies that all ball up into
like a chaotic nightmareno-transcript or believed.
(38:04):
I guess I spoke to this youngman.
He's in his 30s and hisgirlfriend was absolutely
abusive to him.
They have a child together.
Anytime he got a job, she wouldshow up and get him fired.
She would cause chaos and gethim fired because she wanted him
where she could have eyes onhim.
She had a camera at the house,kept him like as contained as
(38:25):
possible and he's like I don'tfeel like my contained as
possible and he's like I don'tfeel like my mom believed me and
I'm like your mom absolutelybelieved you because she called
me to talk to you.
Yeah, I met her through a wholeother avenue, but we just
started talking and I was likeyeah, you know, I have a
(38:48):
nonprofit on the side and I helppeople understand what red
flags are and, if they're in badsituations, be able to connect
them to local resources andeducate them on what they're
currently dealing with.
I'm not a therapist.
I absolutely am an advocatebecause I'm also a survivor and
have seen it for myself.
Right, and so she was like well, I want you to talk to my son
(39:10):
and I'm like if his phone'sbeing monitored, I do not want
him calling me directly, becausethat's stranger danger.
If his girlfriend is abusinghim and she sees a girl's number
on your phone that she doesn'trecognize, it's going to get a
hell of a lot worse.
I mean, the girl picked up aknife and tried to stab him at
(39:31):
one point.
So that tells you like theescalation of everything.
But knowing how to set the stage, the terms to utilize, like
don't say you need to leave,because what if the victim goes
(39:51):
back?
Well, my mom or my sister or mycoworker says that I need to
leave, I'm in an abusiverelationship.
Well, guess who's gettingisolated next?
You've already put that personat the top of the list.
Like using that language, youare putting that person in more
isolation, so saying things likehow do you feel when he's not
(40:16):
around?
How do you feel when you have tomake a decision and they want
your?
They say that you need theirapproval to make.
How do you feel even in makingdecisions?
There's a whole plethora ofquestions that you can go
through just to see theiranxiety level.
(40:36):
If they're anxious when thatother person isn't around
because they built that suchtight dependency on them,
they're not supposed to be ableto survive without that abuser.
Right Like that is the mindsetthat the abuser puts into their
head.
So if they're anxious about anydecision that is a normal
(41:00):
decision when the abuser is notthere, then that's a red flag.
I mean, it may be bordering onneon.
I mean there's a difference of ahealthy relationship asking for
hey, this is a big purchase,you know, let's talk about it.
(41:20):
Is it good for us to make thispurchase?
Or if it's something small, areyou going to catch hell for it?
Like stupid stuff, like I stopwhen you go to a bachelorette
party.
You stop at crazy sex storesand you pick up funny things for
(41:41):
bachelorette parties, right, soI have done that.
There's a couple here in Tampathat I have been to and I feel
comfortable going to.
They're not seedy.
Speaker 1 (41:53):
You're right.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
The highway ones, but these are like some nicer ones
that you can go in and like,look around and, you know, get
stuff for bachelorette partiesor your own thing.
And so I got like this littlelingerie thing and I brought it
home and he's like where did youget that?
(42:16):
I'm like I went to a store andhe's like why would you go to a
sex store without me?
Who did you go there with?
Like.
And then that it went totallytanked from there.
Like I thought I was doingsomething like sexual for our
relationship.
Oh, I was the worst person onthe planet because I walked into
(42:37):
a sex store and got like thislittle tiny piece of lingerie
for him and I was the devil atthat point.
Doesn't it blow your mind tolike think back on some of that
now?
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
I always say it's like I watched, like the memory
that is in my mind of what Iwent through is almost like it's
a memory from a movie that Iwatched because, like my person
now wouldn't have lasted thatlong in a relationship like that
I wouldn't have.
But if I had not gone throughthat, today I may go through a
(43:15):
relationship like that because Idon't know that I would have
been aware of what was happening, because I certainly wasn't
aware when I was in it.
Speaker 2 (43:22):
Yeah.
And let me ask you thisquestion because this is
something that I have thoughtabout a lot, Because I just I
think you and I are very, verysimilar on a lot of this stuff.
Yeah, mindset and stuff Priorto my abusive relationship had
(43:52):
been married that failed.
We went through a divorce.
Um, I met one guy that told methat I was doing bodybuilding
for a couple of years.
Um, and he got so jealous thathe told me to he hopes I burned
my skin with the curling iron.
And I was like F you, buddy, I'mdone with you and I was done
right.
Like first bad comment, I wasdone and he was super charming
and definitely a manipulator.
And then I meet this guy.
(44:13):
We have so much in common.
We date for like a month.
I'm head over heels for this guy, like head over heels, but we
didn't have the monogamy,exclusive conversation and I
found out he went on some datesand I was just heartbroken and
he's like I'm not ready for arelationship but we should have
(44:36):
had that before.
I got my like hopes up Rightand so I was still suffering
from that because I really,really liked that guy.
And then I met my abuser.
So our cycles of you knowenergy and our psyche and our
self-worth and self-belief Idon't think it's necessarily
self-confidence because I wasstill.
(44:57):
I was confident in myself butmy self-worth was low.
My self-esteem was low at thattime because of a guy that I
really thought we connected andthen that ended and then I meet
this crazy gorilla, so leadinginto your abuser situation.
(45:30):
Did you have any scenarios thatled you to accept that behavior
in the beginning where youwouldn't have prior?
Speaker 1 (45:49):
Well, it's so funny that you say that, because I
remember in college one yearthere were four women that lived
together and we had one maleroommate and I was really good
friends with him and I remembertalking to him I'm like I don't
know, everybody's going on datesand stuff and I don't get dates
.
And he said your standards aretoo high, you need to lower your
standards.
And I remember thinking I willnever lower my standards and
going forward in differentrelationships.
(46:09):
I had one guy tell me you know,you're the kind of girl I
should marry, and I was soflattered.
And then he went on to saybecause you're not beautiful,
you're cute, you wouldn't be badto wake up to, but you're not
beautiful enough to whereanother man is going to take you
(46:30):
away from me.
And I was like, oh okay, well,I don't want to be in this
relationship anymore.
But I mean that definitely hit.
And then I had anotherrelationship where the guy told
me I need to marry you becausewhen we get divorced you will
have to pay me alimony.
And I mean I was like, okay,you're out and you know it
(46:57):
wasn't.
I wasn't like, oh, okay, well,I guess that would be okay.
You know it wasn't like myself-worth was trash and I
thought that was okay.
I knew those things.
Scenarios were not okay, butthey were still digs at me.
And then, you know, then it waslike it's same thing.
This guy comes into my life andI was like, oh my God, he's
(47:17):
amazing.
Everything I like he likes.
We have the exact same taste inmusic, same taste in you know,
what we like to do.
It was crazy and I was likethis must be what I was, I was
waiting for.
This is why I was dating allthose crappy guys, because this
guy was coming along.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, that, that feeling the white knight right,
the guy riding in on the whitehorse.
I was listening to a podcast.
The lady's name is Mariah.
I've spoken to her on the phonebefore, but I went and listened
to her podcast and she saidsomething so profound and it has
(48:00):
stuck with me for a long time,for at least a couple years.
Now is when I heard it.
But she states this in such away of just when you think you
found the person to save you, orjust when you think you're
being saved, you're actuallypreparing, you're getting
(48:23):
prepared to be cooked, and I satin that for a while and then I
cried about it for a while,because, if we think back to the
abusive relationship, where hasthis person been?
All my life I've been waitingfor this.
This is amazing, this ismagical.
(48:43):
This is you know how come Ididn't come across you before.
I've been waiting for you forso long.
Like all of those thoughts islike the turkey getting fattened
up for Thanksgiving, and Icried about it again and again
and again.
Like it still brings emotionsout in me, like we are not built
(49:07):
that way.
And the fact that someone is soidentical to us is a danger sign
.
Yeah, of dogs we like.
I mean none of us should beidentical we can have similar
(49:29):
things and reactions to things,but if someone is so similar,
someone's faking it.
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Right Compatible yes, identical no.
Speaker 2 (49:43):
No, no, no, no.
And if it is identical andyou're like, but, but, but you
know all the come out, startdocumenting.
If that, if they're agreeingand doing things with you
because it's the same thing youlike, they're going to start
(50:05):
using it against you somehow.
It's going to be a weapon.
Yes, of well.
You said you like to make sureto please me and that pleases
you.
You said you like to go to thegym in the morning and you like
to give me a blowjob before wego to the gym in the morning.
You said and they use itagainst you in like, all kinds
(50:29):
of crazy ways and even twistingyour words, and you're like did
I say that?
I?
don't think I said it that way.
I didn't mean it that way.
If I said it that way and youdon't even realize what's coming
next, like the cook chopped the, chop the head off the turkey
and throw it in the oven.
(50:49):
Like you don't realize thatthat is right in front of you.
Speaker 1 (50:53):
Well, right.
And then the even if they'renot identifying like we're
exactly the same, if you sharevulnerabilities, those will come
back to be used against you andit won't be at first.
So if you say, oh, I don't feelpretty, you know, for me, like
this guy said, he wanted tomarry me because I'm not pretty,
not pretty enough to be athreat of leaving him, and then
(51:15):
you know the response is oh, myGod, you're beautiful.
What the heck?
You know he's crazy.
Whatever, I think you're themost beautiful thing that's ever
I've ever met, whatever.
And but later, when it comes tothat whole devaluing phase,
it's well, I mean, she's hot,you're not.
And then there's the wholecomparison of all these things
(51:38):
that you shared, that once were.
You know they build you up,they build up your self-esteem,
just to rip that rug out fromunder you.
Speaker 2 (51:47):
Yeah, I got my failed marriage.
I've got, you know, all of thatstuff.
No wonder, no wonder yourmarriage couldn't last.
No wonder you're you know youcan't have, you're not having
children.
I mean, who wants to be marriedto you?
Like all of ugh, just terrible,it's terrible.
Speaker 1 (52:06):
It is.
So let's talk about yournonprofit more too.
Speaker 2 (52:10):
Yeah, so the I knew I wanted to help people and I
didn't know where to start.
So, just like with anything,there's never going to be a
perfect time.
So just start.
You start where you can start,and so for me, because my abuser
was so big and so like doublemy size, like if he had put his
(52:36):
hands on me more than he did, Inow could get out of it.
So I'm getting trained inself-defense the natural avenue
of how helpless I felt.
I wanted to be able to givewomen the power of feeling like
(52:57):
Wonder Woman, like leaving going.
Yeah, like I learned something.
I feel empowered about it.
Whether it's a story they heard, whether it is a move they
learned, whether it is a pieceof knowledge from law
enforcement so they're notscared to call 911, whether it's
the mental aspect of puttingyour head in the right place to
(53:21):
then put the safety plantogether.
I wanted it to be a, a placewhere you can get all of those
things.
So you didn't have to search onthe internet of calling 911 and
ordering pizza was a thing youdidn't have to call, uh.
Or you didn't have to search onthe internet to see if I call
(53:43):
the cops, who gets arrested?
Um, you didn't have to.
You know, search on theinternet if it's your husband or
your boyfriend is at rape.
Having these open discussionswith people and getting their
answers heard, or getting theirquestions heard and answers
given it just brings power right.
(54:06):
This, for sure, is knowledge ispower.
But then you have to turn itinto action and not everyone is
ready for that action.
But I think, like what I did isI tried to think what the next
six months would look like.
That's too scary, Focus onleaving and what the next 48
(54:28):
hours looks like.
Right, Like, shorten that timeframe, make it in a more of a
bite-sized piece of what do Ineed to gather?
Who do I need to tell, Even ifit's, if I call you and I say,
Ingrid, and it should only justbe one person, a trusted person,
not one of their friends orfamily members.
(54:50):
Ingrid, if I ever say the wordpineapple and it's out of
context and really weird thatmeans I need you to come pick me
up.
If I say the word rutabaga somelike random thing that I would
never say if I say that word, Ineed you to call 911 and give
(55:11):
them my address.
So, like having a trustedperson, give a keyword or
keywords where an action cantake place in case it's needed,
right?
Because when you're preparingto leave, danger escalates
dramatically.
Mine got in my face, he punchedmy chest.
He spit in my face All of thosevery demeaning like.
(55:33):
I would not even spit on myworst enemy's face.
It's disgusting.
You're lower than dirt ifyou're doing that and making
sure that that personunderstands what is happening
and what help you need.
Speaker 1 (55:52):
Yeah, and I really want to emphasize that part of
when you're leaving, your dangerreally escalates and you'll
even notice that.
You'll know that because as youstart to recognize more that
you're being abused, you dostart to get a little bit of
your empowerment.
It's almost like you hit thebottom and there's nowhere to go
but up.
But your abuser also recognizesit.
(56:13):
You may not even be like sayanything different.
Speaker 2 (56:16):
Your shift of energy.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
But, yes, your shift of energy, so that abuse is
going to come more frequently,it's going to be more horrific,
the good times are going to getshorter and shorter, but then,
once they start to realize thatthey are actually losing control
, it's all systems go.
They will stop at nothing tokeep that power over you.
So it is so incrediblydangerous, and if you can avoid
(56:41):
telling them that you're leaving, do things like sneaking out
slowly, over time.
That's what you have to do tokeep yourself safe.
And so how do people get intouch with you?
How do they find your book, howdo they find your nonprofit?
Speaker 2 (56:54):
So the easiest way, I mean you can go onto Amazon.
But on my website,tiffanynewtoncom, I have all the
links to like Books, a MillionWalmart Amazon Like.
If you click on that logo ittakes you to there.
So, wherever you buy, somepeople don't want to use Amazon,
Some people only, you know,some people are just brand
specific.
So you can click on that and ittakes you to the order page.
(57:14):
My nonprofit is also listed onthere because the proceeds from
the book do go to the nonprofitand I am.
I have a safety plan that I haveput together I actually spent a
lot of time on it where it is24 red flags to keep out for, to
(57:37):
keep an eye on three financialmoves you can make to keep
yourself financially safe.
It's like three or four pagesto print out and answer
questions like what we weretalking about.
What's the line in the sand?
If they say this, what can yourespond to?
To hold your power, so you canactually write your own mental
plan with it and then have aprivate call.
(57:59):
I have a 10-minute video onthere just telling them a little
bit about my story too, so Ihave that on there.
It's called the Empowered Exit.
So, yeah, there's all kinds ofways to get in touch with me,
and herorg is the um.
It's the nonprofit.
Speaker 1 (58:16):
Okay, and then do you think that we missed anything?
Speaker 2 (58:20):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (58:21):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (58:22):
And well, one of the big the obstacles, animal
children, right?
Yes, there are.
That's one of the things on mynonprofit site.
(58:42):
For resources, is I made sureto list the local shelters that
have onsite or offsite petfacilities, Because I mean, I
don't have any kids but I havedogs so that could be a.
I mean, I don't have dogs thatare banned from hotels, but you
know, if someone has, like a pitbull or a shepherd or a
Doberman, they may not beallowed to be in a hotel.
So you do have to take an extrastep of planning and you know
(59:05):
what can you get together.
Um, and you know what can youget together.
Like in my, in my stuff for the, the um storage unit, I dog
food, their medication, like Ididn't remove any of that stuff
from the cabinets.
I already had it off to theside.
Um, so if he were to look intoanything it, he wouldn't see
anything missing.
Speaker 1 (59:26):
And pets is such a big thing and I know it's easy
for somebody who has not been ina domestic violence situation
to think just leave the dog andgo, but that has literally kept
somebody in that situation.
I mean things you mentioned atthe beginning, important items.
I mean you didn't have a choice.
(59:47):
He was donating them, butpeople have stayed because if I
leave this table that's been inmy family for generations we'll
get destroyed.
I know he or she is going todestroy that.
So there are things like thatthat are extremely important to
victims and it should never bedownplayed as something that's
(01:00:08):
not important or not somethingthat you can just walk away and
leave behind.
So, in closing, I believe everystory, every voice carries some
sort of a strength, and isthere anything specific that you
would want to leave withlisteners as the strength of the
message to take home today?
Speaker 2 (01:00:31):
I probably the biggest thing is you are loved,
no matter who you are or yourbackground.
You are loved just as God putyou on this planet and never,
ever think that you're lessbecause you're not.
God put you on this earth asperfect, so believe in yourself
(01:00:55):
and, wherever you are, if you'rein this situation, reach out
for help.
Get help to get out so you canlive the life that you were
supposed to live.
Help to get out so you can livethe life that you were supposed
to live.
You are not ever supposed to bein a position where you feel
less than who you really are.
Speaker 1 (01:01:15):
Thank you, tiffany.
That was great.
I appreciate your time comingon.
I loved our conversation.
I'm sure we're going to havemore conversations after this,
okay, so thank you again.
Speaker 2 (01:01:27):
Absolutely, thank you .
Speaker 1 (01:01:29):
Thank you again, tiffany, for joining me today,
and thank you, warriors, forlistening.
I've included the links Tiffanywas referring to, as well as
her one in three profile in theshow notes.
I will be back next week withour first episode into the
Domestic Violence AwarenessMonth series.
Until then, stay strong andwherever you are in your journey
(01:01:53):
, always remember you are notalone.
Speaker 3 (01:02:00):
Find more information , register as a guest or leave a
review by going to the website1in3podcastcom.
That's the number1-I-N-3podcastcom.
Follow 1in3 on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at
1in3podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate, review and subscribe.
(01:02:20):
1in3 is a .5 Pinoy productionMusic written and performed by
Tim Crow.
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