October 29, 2025 • 63 mins
In this episode of 1 in 3 Dean shares the true story of helping his daughter escape domestic violence during a winter storm. A father’s gut feeling, a knock that wouldn’t stop, and a rescue that changed two lives. Dean walks us through the night he drove to a remote cabin and helped his daughter leave an abusive relationship—and the lessons every parent, partner, and friend should know about supporting someone in danger safely.
We talk about how early charm becomes control, how gaslighting distorts reality, and why leaving takes multiple attempts. Dean explains what helped most: staying calm, refusing to engage the abuser, and meeting disclosure with compassion instead of blame.
In the aftermath came healing from trauma—therapy, medication, rebuilding trust—and an unexpected new purpose. A nurse turned mentor, Dean now helps men who seem successful on the outside but feel stuck inside. Together we explore men’s mental health, defining values, and building a life of meaning.
If you’re seeking insight into domestic violence recovery, family support, or finding purpose after trauma, this episode offers hope and actionable guidance. Subscribe, share, and leave a review to help more people find stories that save lives.
Dean’s Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/dean-taylor/
https://deantaylorofficial.com/
https://www.instagram.com/deantaylorofficial/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (00:00):
Hi, Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, Ingrid.
Since this is the last episodedropping for Domestic Violence
Awareness Month, I wanted toclose out by sharing a different
perspective we don't often hear.
What it's like for familymembers, especially parents,
walking alongside a loved onewho is being abused.
(00:21):
The worry, the fear, the hope,and how a family's response can
carry so much weight in avictim's journey.
Today's guest is Dean, whoshares his experience standing
next to his daughter as sheendured abuse at the hands of
her partner.
Our conversation then takes aturn into mental health and what
(00:42):
Dean is now doing to help othersnavigate their lives and find
fulfillment.
Let's get started.
Hi, Dean.
Thank you for joining me todayand welcome to the podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited to be on the showtoday.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (00:57):
Yes, I'm very excited to have you on as well.
Uh, could you go ahead and givea brief background just so we
can get to know you a littlebit?
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Yes, thanks.
Yeah, I am uh my wife and I havebeen married for gosh now 32
years.
It's pretty exciting.
And we have five children andthree grandchildren.
I have worked in uh worked inhealthcare for a long time, have
(01:26):
a background in nursing.
I was a nurse in the newborn ICUfor about seven years, and then
I got into healthcare IT andthen did some a little bit of
real estate in my background aswell, and along that path and
journey of some discovery andlearning about myself,
discovered my passion for uhmentoring and and helping other
(01:53):
career fathers like myself whofelt a little bit unfulfilled or
stuck in life and wondering whatam I gonna do?
And uh so yeah, that's a littlebit about me.
SPEAKER_03 (02:03):
I don't know that we talked about this.
I'm a nurse practitioner.
I don't know that we did we Idon't think we did.
SPEAKER_01 (02:08):
I don't think we did.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
Okay.
So both nursing backgrounds, itmakes sense that you would want
to do something to to helpothers.
You can't get that one that likeit's been great, it is, it
really is.
Okay, so and we're going to getinto the mentoring and coaching
in a little bit, but you have aninteresting take or an
interesting perspective, Isuppose, on domestic violence, a
(02:32):
different view than I'vetypically been sharing on the
podcast.
Do you want to go ahead and getinto that?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
That would be great.
Absolutely.
So we have my perspective on it.
I have a have a daughter.
Uh we have two daughters, andone of our daughters was uh
experienced domestic violence inin her life, and this is about
six years ago.
So she would, and uh she wasit's so crazy how some of these
(03:02):
things, it seems like it's uhthey they start, at least our
her experience was uh she'd shewas in a had had a previous uh
boyfriend and had they brokenup, and so she was feeling a
little bit of the the sorrowfrom that, and she had gone to
with a with a group of friends,they went to uh I can't remember
(03:23):
why they decided to do this, butthey went to a jujitsu class.
And so they they went there andand a couple of one of her
friends, they they loved it.
They thought, oh, this is reallycool, and they wanted to go
back, and so they started goingback to the to the class and
made a connection with uh theinstructor, uh, who ended up
(03:43):
being the person who was uh herbecame the the abuser of her.
Uh and it was just kind of crazyhow that whole story sort of
unraveled a little bit.
Her and her friend were going,and almost immediately uh he
began sort of pitting heragainst her friend uh in terms
(04:05):
of how he would advance herfriend and advance her through
the the different levels ofprogression in jujitsu, and kept
telling her she wasn't quitedoing it well enough, or even
though she was our daughter wasin whatever exercises or matches
they were having, she wasusually winning, but he was kept
(04:26):
telling her that she wasn'tdoing it well enough, or there's
some more she needed to do, adifferent technique, or whatever
it was.
And um, but this was after theyhad this connection, she she
felt initially felt this realbond and connection with him.
He he seemed to know uh how justthe right things to say, the
(04:47):
things that she needed to hearbecause he knew she was coming
out of this relationship whereshe felt heartbroken.
And I think he might now lookingback, preyed on it because and
when I I when I first met him,he seemed to be like the the
perfect solution to all of herproblems uh in terms of her
heartbreak, and he was so kindand doing these things.
(05:09):
And then it wasn't too longafter that that we began to
notice that she started to wantto not do as many things with
the family.
It was she was seemed to bebeing pulled further and further
away from us, and we didn'tunderstand it.
We're like, well, what's what'sgoing on here?
Why are why are she prioritizingspending time here with him over
(05:31):
doing things with us?
And that was wasn't her nature.
It was just not she always wasso connected with family and
wanted to do things with us, andand uh I mean it was a little
bit harder because she was shewas an adult.
I mean, she was in her uh shewould have been 20 uh at the
(05:53):
time, and so I didn't reallyfeel like I, you know, I I kind
of understood that having raisedteenagers that they in older
kids and they do things on theirown, but it just seems really
out of the ordinary uh the thedistance that seemed to be
happening with us, and uh and mymy wife had all of us on this
(06:14):
there's this app called Life360.
I don't know if you've everheard of that, but it's a way to
kind of track and keep track ofpeople where I don't know if you
keep track of them, but you justkind of know their location.
And uh there was a a night thatuh I or morning I woke up, it
was a Sunday morning, and Inoticed that her car wasn't out
(06:36):
in front of our house.
It was early morning, and Ithought, where is her car?
And I looked up on live 360 andI could see that she was still
over at the gym.
And I thought, why is she at thegym at this time of day?
And so I I went over there and II I knocked on on the gym door
and I thought, Where are you at?
(06:58):
And I and she came out and shesays, Oh, well, we were here, we
were just kind of talking allthrough the night, and but that
was really odd.
Like she had never done anythinglike that.
So it kind of just made me thinkuh a little bit about uh you
know, I just felt a littlenervous about it.
It just seemed odd to me, thebehavior, and so I began to
(07:24):
watch Live 360 a little moreclosely and just think, like,
where is she spending her time?
And then and then I startednoticing uh because she had a uh
uh room downstairs that ourbasement door was unlocked.
I went and I checked our and soshe but learned I eventually
learned that she had beensneaking out at night or leaving
(07:45):
at night.
I shouldn't say sneaking, she'san adult, but that she was
leaving the house and she wouldbe and she didn't want us
knowing about it.
And uh, but I didn't it was justit and this went on for a while,
and I didn't really know all thewhat all that was happening, but
I it the thing that was soapparent to me is and besides
(08:07):
the distance and the the theless time she spent with family
was just how unhappy she seemedto be.
Like I there was a differentchange in her countenance.
I could just see it in her face,and and I would try to talk to
her about it, and she would justtry to assure me that everything
was fine and it was all okay.
And um, but I just my wife and Ibecame, we just began to be more
(08:32):
and more nervous and and and sada bit about the the time that
less time that she was spendinguh with home with us at home,
which was again out of theordinary for her.
And then there was where we kindof began to really piece
together more of the what waswhat was happening, that we she
wasn't confiding in us at all,uh what she was experiencing.
(08:58):
Uh it was on Valentine's Day init would have been in 20 what I
think was, yeah, but it wouldhave been 2020.
Uh she she was she wanted toborrow our truck and and and go
on.
She said she was gonna go on uhuh a trip with this with this
(09:19):
guy.
And they had a uh uh we live inUtah and they were gonna go up
to Bear Lake to this cabin.
And it just I can't really uhexplain it, other than there's
just there was a there was a gutfeeling in me that just felt
like there's something off.
And I just and so I started toask her, well, what are they
were gonna do and where are theygonna be?
And I just was inquiring andsometime during that
(09:41):
conversation, she just happenedto mention to me, uh, well, I I
was trying to encourage her notto go.
I just said, you know, it's it'ssnowy, it's the middle of
February, we live in Utah in themountains, and it just doesn't
seem like a great time.
It was snowy, and there wassnowstorms, and uh I just tried
(10:02):
to, and the more I tried tomention to her about, well,
maybe could you just go adifferent day?
This it was there was somestorms, and but she seemed to be
really panicked about she'slike, I just can't tell him that
we're not going.
I can't tell him that we're notgoing.
Like, why can you not tell him?
Like, why she said, Well, he'lljust be upset.
And I'm like, Well, why I don'tthis doesn't make sense.
Like, why I could just see thepanic in her face.
(10:25):
And the more I try to encourageher not to go, the more she just
I could just see the fear in herthat she and that's when I
started thinking, well, whatsomething must be going on here
more than I'm than I reallyknow.
And I said, Well, well, can youjust at least let us, you know,
(10:46):
let us know that you got theresafely.
Uh and and on, and because itwas kind of it was a bit of a
trip to get to where they weregoing.
And my wife had texted her whilethey were driving up and said,
Noticed again, we were we kindof had watched on the Life 360
app, and they were not exactlywhere the route should have
(11:07):
taken them.
They were and my wife said, andshe was nervous about the whole
thing and about how upset he wasgoing to be with her not going.
My wife said, I don't know whyshe asked her this, but she
said, Hey, would you just sendus a picture of where you're at?
And the picture that we got backwe we it it's so crazy.
(11:32):
It was not even a pic we knewthe clothes she left in.
And the picture that she thatthey that we received, she
wasn't wearing the same clothesas what she had left in.
And so we said, when was thispicture taken?
And it was a picture that shehad taken weeks before in a
different so it wasn't even sonow we're really nervous.
(11:54):
We're like, okay, we're we're wewhere is she at?
She's doesn't this picture sheis it's not we we just it this
doesn't make any sense at all.
So we began to really feelreally uh scared about what was
where she was at and what mightbe happening, and um and then it
(12:18):
was about midnight, uh a littleafter midnight, we got a call
from her older sister, and shesaid, uh I got a text from
Madeline and she asked me if Icould come pick her up.
Or I thought, she goes, Do youknow where she's at?
And we said, Well, yeah, we weshe was told us she was going to
(12:39):
the cabin up at uh a cabin up atBear Lake, but she said, Well,
she just asked me if she couldcome if I could come pick her
up, and she said, I I can'tleave.
I don't want to drive in thenight in the storm.
And so I began texting ourdaughter and asking her, Hey,
what's going on?
Why are you needing me to comepick you, or why are you asking
to be come uh someone to comepick you up?
(13:01):
And and there was no it wedidn't get a message back, and
and I'm like, I just had thissinking feeling, and it's like
this I you want to call itparental instinct, whatever it
was, it's like something is notright, and I need to go, I need
to go get her.
(13:21):
And so I I began the the trip upand uh I I'm on I'm driving and
as I'm I I got I was probablyabout I don't know 45 minutes
away from from where they wereat.
I got she called me and shesaid, Hey, uh there's it's you
don't need to keep coming.
(13:42):
There's a we know it's stormy uphere.
I don't want you to keep riskingdriving up here in the storm.
We're we're actually we knowit's uh pretty snowy, so we're
we're packing up when we'regoing to we're gonna come home.
And I said, No, I'm I'm I'mclose enough.
I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna keepcoming.
And she's like, no, Dad, really,really you don't need to come.
(14:02):
We're we're I don't want to missyou, and I don't want you to
risk.
And I said, No, it's okay.
I'm totally good.
I'm I'm already into the drive.
I'm coming.
I'll come get you.
Well, I arrived at their cabinand I found out where their
leave fortunately I found outwhere the cabin was because I
was I had her address.
I could see where she was atfrom the Life 360 app.
(14:23):
And I saw her truck parkedoutside the one side of the
cabin, and I knocked on the doorand there was no answer.
So I thought, okay, well knockagain, and I tried it, and it
was a side door, and I knockedbecause that's where the truck
was parked, and so then I wentaround to the front and I
knocked again and waited andknocked again and waited, and
(14:47):
then eventually she opened thedoor.
And of course I was veryrelieved to see her.
Uh, but she was she looked likea complete mess.
She was in tears.
She was she just uh it is uh ohthis the image of just
remembering what she looked likeuh and how how terrified she
(15:11):
looked.
And and then he came to thedoor, uh, this her boyfriend,
and uh was just started railingon me about how controlling I
was as a father, and howcontrolling I why would I come
get my adult daughter and howmuch and was trying to convince
(15:32):
her to show her, tell her thatyou see how controlling your dad
is, he won't let you go stay anyplace by yourself, and and he
was trying to invite me into thehouse uh or into the cabin.
He said, I've been wanting totalk to you for so long.
And he said, Because I love yourdaughter, and I can't believe
how you you don't love yourdaughter, and I'm the only one
(15:53):
that loves her, and you you andhe was just going on, and and
the other part of the story thatwas so interesting to me was I
was so panicked, and I justthought, if something's happened
to her, there was all thesefeelings of a father welling up
inside of me about ifsomething's happened, how what
am I gonna do?
Uh and I just had this thisfeeling, this and this clear,
(16:18):
distinct impression come into mymind that just said, don't look
at him, don't engage him.
And so I I just didn't pay anyattention, I just ignored him,
didn't act like he was eventalking to me.
I just kept talking to mydaughter.
I just I kept saying, just grabyour stuff, let's go.
(16:40):
But we had two vehicles there.
It was our vehicle that shedrove up, and and I asked her, I
said, Well, can you uh get inthe are you able to drive home?
And and then I quickly realizedshe was not in any sort of an
emotional state to to drive.
And my my my goal at that pointwas I thought, I I I want him to
find his own way home.
(17:00):
I don't really care.
Uh but I eventually she said,Well, just can we just leave the
keys here and and let him drivehome and return the truck on his
own?
And so she and I got in our carand we began to drive home, and
she just broke down in tearscrying.
(17:22):
And began, that's when the storyreally began to unravel about
all the stuff that had beenhappening to her.
And I learned that the reasonshe didn't come to the door
right away when I knocked thefirst time is because he had her
in a chokehold on the floor,holding her with his black belt
and jiu-jitsu capabilities.
Uh, and how she got out of it.
(17:43):
She said, I honestly don't know,Dad, how I got out of the hold
he had me in.
But I knew you were at the doorand I wanted to get to you.
And knowing that you were at thedoor waiting for me was what I
wanted.
And so sorry, I'm a littleemotional.
Of course you are.
(18:06):
But but knowing that she wassafe um was was all that really
mattered to me at that point.
Um and one of one of herfavorite places to eat was uh
Chick-fil-A.
(18:26):
So we went and we went to thereto get something to eat, and we
just sat in the car and talked.
And uh the most frighteningthing about the whole part of
this story was um the reason shehad texted our daughter uh that
night to come pick her up, andshe she she got her phone away
(18:49):
from him.
Um and and he had fallen asleep,and and when he had fallen
asleep, she'd crawled underneaththe bed and texted her sister to
say, Can you come pick me up?
And she was afraid of beingdiscovered by him uh being on
her phone.
Uh and she said that he had toldher his plan for the next
(19:14):
morning was to take uh to go ona hike and to take them and into
the woods on a hike and to killher and to kill and kill
himself.
Oh my gosh.
And that's why she was sopanicked and wanting to get out
of there, but didn't know howshe was gonna get out and s and
needed someone to come get her.
And he had the key.
(19:35):
She couldn't get the key to thetruck.
She felt she was stuck in hishouse the whole night.
And so I'm I'm there's noquestion in my mind that the the
overwhelming feeling I had toleave and to go when I did was
because her life was was indanger.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
Oh and you showed up at just the exact right time.
SPEAKER_00 (20:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (20:02):
My gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Yeah, and and I guess another thing that part of
the story I I forgot was when Iwas having that conversation
with her before she left, uh Ican't remember exactly how it
came up, but she had mentionedto me that uh her friend
Cameron, her boyfriend, wouldwould would read her text
(20:26):
messages.
And I asked her the question, Isaid, Well, who over who else of
your friends ever takes yourphones and reads your text
messages?
It never had occurred to herthat that was an odd behavior at
that point.
I think she was at that point soemotionally I didn't know
anything about narcissism andthis abusive behavior.
(20:48):
It was such a new world for mywife and I that but when she
just mentioned that he wasreading and monitoring her
messages, I just I asked herthat question and said, Why why
would you allow him to do that?
She said, Well, he he just takesmy phone.
And I said, Why did that thatdoesn't seem odd to you?
(21:12):
Like who and and it hadn't everoccurred to her at that point.
And so I think she was thinking,she was that was kind of the
first now that she's kind oftold me this and had was sharing
the story, that that stuck inher mind uh about how that, how,
how controlling of behavior thatwas, because he was always
(21:32):
feeding her information aboutme, about how controlling I was
as a father, and that's why shecouldn't be around me because I
was trying to control her life.
SPEAKER_03 (21:46):
So that's why she was sneaking out and not letting
you know.
SPEAKER_00 (21:52):
And even another really sad part of the story was
she has uh soy allergy.
And one of the things that shehad done prior to going up to
this cabin was she had made thisValentine's Day dinner.
She had spent all this timemaking this thing, was and and
preparing for this.
And then on their way up there,uh on their way to the cabin, he
(22:18):
was making fun of her cooking,of the food.
He didn't want to eat any ofthis stuff.
He actually went and ate at aChinese restaurant because he
knew of her allergies.
He knew that she couldn't eat,and she was so sad because of
him not wanting to eat the mealshe had prepared, how much fun
(22:39):
he was making of what she hadcooked.
Um, and so she left him at therestaurant and went someplace
else to get something to eat.
And when she it was some fastfood place that was nearby, and
uh she just started crying in inthe in this other place, and the
people behind the counter feltso sorry for they just gave her
(23:01):
food for free because she'stelling them this story about
how her boyfriend had justtotally rejected her meal, and
so there's all these things likethat that were happening that we
we weren't aware of, and um andand when she related to me later
the story of her uh when Ipicked her up and how much peace
(23:24):
she felt, she said just being inthe car and us driving.
Uh she said, I one of the thingsthat we love to do as a family
in her growing up was we wouldwatch college football on
Saturday mornings together.
And she said, and the she said,I felt back at I I felt like I
was back at that same placeagain when I was a little girl,
(23:46):
just being with you.
And she said, I felt she said,your reaction to me was one of
pure love.
You didn't ever question me, youdidn't get upset with me, why
was I there?
You just loved me and comfortedme and helped me.
And she said that was such acontrast to the way I had was
(24:10):
being treated and all the lieshe'd been telling me that I had
been believing all this time.
She said it was that was thefirst time that it really was
beginning to settle into hermind that this relationship she
was in was not healthy, which isso crazy to think about.
But she said that because of allthe things that he had sort of
(24:35):
convinced me of about you, andnow actually seeing how you were
reacting with me was so oppositeof what he was telling me how
you were and how you would be.
Uh and anyways, that that thatwas that was that was the first,
that was the beginning of butthat I thought, okay, well, now
(24:56):
it's all over.
And we're gonna, she's she'sshe's now realizing that this is
not good, she's not gonna talkto him, but it wasn't.
She kept going back, and I justit was so hard to finally get
her uh to do that, and and andpart of part of the way that
(25:21):
this we further understood allof what was was happening was um
she she had uh gone to our ourchurch bishop and and was was
sharing with him what hadhappened and and actually shared
with him uh that she had beenraped.
(25:42):
And he said, Do your parents no?
And do you know anything aboutwhat's happening with you?
And she said they didn't.
He said, Well, I'll I'll go withyou to your house and we can we
can talk with your parentstogether.
And uh so they did and uh againI just felt complete I wasn't
(26:05):
upset with her, and she said,That's another one of the
things, Dad, that helped me tobreak away from him was because
when we told you what hadhappened, you said you just
dropped to your knees and huggedme weren't you weren't angry
(26:39):
with me, you weren't she said Ijust never felt so much love in
that moment than I felt from youat that time.
But even at that point, afterall of that, it still wasn't she
still had other encounters withhim.
(27:02):
Um and eventually the way thatwe I was so at that point really
worried about any any contactwith him.
I kept trying to keep her awayfrom him.
She had um she was she waslearning to play uh the organ uh
or the uh the organ at our uh atour church and she'd go over to
(27:27):
practice, and one of the therewas a lady that was helping her
uh learn, and she knew about thesituation at that point, and we
we shared with her because wewere trying to help have other
people help us uh protect her.
And I got a call from her sayingthat she was over at the church
to help, uh, was supposed tomeet with her.
(27:52):
Uh and and and she said shewasn't there, and I said, Oh,
well, I I can see on the appthat she's there, but what she
was doing, she was leaving herphone, and then she would go
with him, and I I was sopanicked at that moment.
I thought, oh no, we've got tofind her, but I didn't know how
(28:13):
to, I couldn't find her, and sowe were looking all around, and
eventually she came back and uhand I back to the church.
I was still there, and she saidthat she had gone with him to
tell him that she was endingeverything with him, and I'm
like, oh my gosh, why would youever be alone with him again?
(28:35):
But she I just felt like I hadto just share all my feelings
and get it all out of me.
And uh but that was eventuallythat that was their last
encounter that they they and butby I just I was so distraught.
I just I the the panic and thefear of not being able to just
(28:56):
knowing that she had again uhand it really and I felt like it
was just why why why would shego back, knowing all that she
had been through, why and uhwhatever have that even be
around him again?
But I've learned a lot about howthese relationships and how hard
(29:20):
it is to to f eventually breakaway from them and the emotional
dependence that that she felt onhim and she that he had created
within her that she only feltlike he was the only one that
could really support her and andanyway.
So that that's pretty much thestory.
SPEAKER_03 (29:42):
It's that that dependence is really it's just
it's so crazy when you look backon it to to see it.
But when you're in it, it's theybuild you up, then they rip the
rug out from underneath you, butthen they come in and they're
your hero.
And like, oh my gosh, I you'redown.
Here, let me help you, let mecomfort you.
(30:02):
Nobody knows you the way I do,nobody loves you the way I do.
And it's they just create thatthat constant back and forth to
where there is, it's like adependence, it's almost like a
chemical, like a drug dependenceon them.
SPEAKER_00 (30:17):
She said that what one of the things that was so
what she realized afterwards wasthat because it started out so
almost picture perfect.
It started out so like he wasthe answer to all her
heartbreak, all the things thatshe was, and she kept thinking
through all the times of abuse,she kept thinking, Well, if it
(30:41):
was that way at the beginning,we can get back to that place.
And it never did.
That's right.
And it only got worse, and itgot worse, and it got worse.
And but but there were all thesemoments of discontinual, it was
like he would build her up tobreak her down, build her up to
break her down.
And that just and that cyclecontinued over and over to where
(31:02):
she became so emotionallydependent that he was the only
thing that could help her feelany sort of joy or any sort of
happiness.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
Yeah, and it gets to the point where they don't even
have to knock you down anymore.
Just uh the fact that they'renot knocking you down ends up
feeling like a comforting placeto be.
SPEAKER_00 (31:23):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's something somethingdidn't happen today.
I didn't some yeah, he didn'tget upset today.
So it's that that that's that'sa win.
SPEAKER_03 (31:30):
Exactly.
Exactly.
And they're very, very trickyabout at first, you know,
building you up.
And then the first knockdown,you think it's your your own
fault.
Like, what did I do to make themchange the way they feel about
me?
SPEAKER_00 (31:46):
So true.
She's expressed that so manytimes about she felt like
everything was her fault.
And then he convinced her thatit was her fault and everything.
It was never, ever him that wasit was always something she did,
or something she said that wasthe cause of him doing or saying
something that he did.
SPEAKER_03 (32:04):
Right.
Like, of course I did this.
Of course I said this.
Look what you did to me first.
SPEAKER_00 (32:09):
Yeah.
Or she would believe, or shewould share something about
something he said, and then hewould act like he never said it.
And so she thought she wascompletely crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (32:18):
Yes.
There was that too.
Yeah.
That never happened, or you'reoverreacting, you're
embellishing.
I was just kidding.
All of those.
All of those.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
Yeah, when when he when I was telling you about
when he when she was at the thefast food place and was crying,
uh, he came and found her andstarted telling all of them that
oh, she was, she just thoughtshe overreacts, this really
wasn't that big a deal.
She's and he was actuallylaughing at her about her and
telling her that she was justshe just needed to stop being so
(32:49):
emotional and getting upsetabout such little things.
SPEAKER_03 (32:52):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh my goodness.
Well, I commend you and yourfamily and the entire community
of support you had around herbecause you guys reacted exact
and you particularly reactedexactly the way that will help
somebody who's in one of thoserelationships.
Because, you know, if you werethe dad that's coming to the
(33:14):
door saying, What are you doinghere?
I don't understand, or gets intoa fight, either verbally or
physically with the boyfriend,you are only reinforced
reinforcing all of thosenegative things that he had said
about you that would, you know,push her closer to him and
further apart from you.
And I can't emphasize enough howimportant it or how important it
(33:37):
is for people in that circle tojust support and validate,
understand, and be patient.
Oh my gosh, the patience.
It I I mean, I was I was, youknow, one of the victims.
So I wasn't the, you know, thefamily on the outside watching,
but I imagine it has to be sofrustrating to see that
(34:01):
returning and returning andreturning.
SPEAKER_00 (34:04):
Yeah, there uh yes.
SPEAKER_03 (34:08):
It's an understatement, right?
SPEAKER_00 (34:09):
Yeah, and I and I would think, okay, we've had
this conversation.
Uh she's got to get it now.
And it just wasn't, and and I,and and I and I think one of the
things that helped me was I Ibegan to educate myself about
the the pattern of of abuse andand and how narcissism, how
(34:33):
people with narcissisticbehaviors do things.
And then I began to think, howis it possible that they all
read the same?
Is that there's a textbook thatthey all read?
SPEAKER_03 (34:43):
Isn't that weird?
SPEAKER_00 (34:44):
They all pick up the same behavior and they act the
same way.
How is it possible that they alland then you once you experience
it, you can you can spot it.
And it's like I did, but Ididn't ever see that before.
Like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03 (35:00):
Yeah, I was actually just having a conversation with
a friend the other day about,you know, maybe everyone talking
about these behaviors or thedocumentaries that show abusive
behavior, maybe these abusersare learning what to do from
there.
And I'm like, no, that they justit's in them, they know it.
unknown (35:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (35:19):
It's weird.
It is really weird.
Like every story may not beexactly my story, but it's so
parallel, and I can find so manycommonalities between every
single story.
SPEAKER_00 (35:31):
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, and and and and one of thethings that I I'm so proud of
her.
Uh, I mean, she and and I guessI guess one of the things I'm
I'm proud of her because of whatshe the the work she's done to
overcome all that sheexperienced.
(35:52):
I mean, she I mean the therapythat she went through, uh
medications, etc.
Uh, she has made such tremendousprogress, which is just but that
was one of the things that wasso I if I think about uh from my
perspective, the relationship Ihad with her, uh and the the I
(36:15):
felt like there was this I I Iworried at times, would I ever
get my daughter back?
Would that relationship ever bewhat it was in terms of just who
she was as a person because Ifelt like she was she was just
different and and rightly underI understand, but I I this is
one of the things that was hardfor me that I felt like almost
(36:37):
felt like a death in a way thatI felt like I've lost this
daughter, I felt like I've lostthis relationship that's been so
such a treasure to me in termsof just who she was, but now
helping her and being with heron this other side of all of it,
the relationship we have now isuh more beautiful and strong
(36:58):
than than ever.
And that's one of the thingsthat I I've treasured and
treasure now and looking back onon all of it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:08):
Yeah, it I mean, it is hard to find like the the
silver lining of and I don'teven know that that would be the
right term, but the afterhealing from the aftermath, just
the relationships that you candevelop with people that were in
your life and still are in yourlife is incredible.
(37:29):
And again, I commend you guys.
I mean, to for a victim to knowthat there is this lifeline
that's just sitting therewaiting, and it like you go you
leave the relationship andthey're welcoming you with open
arms.
You go back and they're stillthere waiting, and they're we're
going to be here for you.
We are going to support you toknow that is all the difference
(37:51):
between having the outcome thatyou have now versus you know, a
much more tragic outcome thatcould have could have happened.
And um, I mean, amazing.
Like without the fact that youguys did all this before you did
the research on everything isamazing.
I mean, you guys really made athe difference.
SPEAKER_00 (38:15):
Well, thank you.
I and I I mean if I look back,my my feeling is I I honestly
felt like I was just guided byGod.
I I don't I can't explain itother like the the feeling that
I had to go, the feeling I hadand how to interact with him.
Uh, because I know that drovehim completely crazy that I
would not even make eye contactwith him and engage him and
(38:37):
acknowledge I because I thoughtI I just have this feeling he
wants to he wants to get youwrapped up into his vortex of
words and argument.
And I just wasn't I just havethe kept having the feeling
don't do it.
SPEAKER_03 (38:54):
Oh, for sure.
And I think he probably wouldhave twisted it and somehow
convinced your daughter to stayand that look, your dad is the
bad guy.
I mean, he started out with ittrying to say that you were
controlling.
He would have definitely playedinto that more.
SPEAKER_00 (39:08):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (39:11):
Well, I'm glad you listened to that voice or that
gut or whatever you want to, theguidance.
SPEAKER_00 (39:16):
Yes.
Well, and and and uh anotherpart for me, uh you know, a
different you know, from theoutside non-victim perspective
was uh it my feelings well theonly thing I did ever say to him
was he he he he he kept askingme to look at him and to he won
(39:41):
because I and he kept wanting meto talk and to look and the only
thing I did is I did look at himand I did one thing I said I
said to him was you don't reallywant to know what I think about
you.
SPEAKER_01 (39:52):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (39:54):
And I had to go through my own process of
forgiveness.
My could my those feelings andand and I my feelings at that
point as a father wanted toprotect and a role of protecting
and providing from my family,and feeling that I had failed in
(40:17):
some way was a really difficultthing.
And to feel that I had I I wouldask myself what was my role?
Why did I spot this sooner?
How could have I seen thisdifferently?
What could I you know, theblaming of myself?
Like why didn't I pick up on thesigns?
Why did and learning to forgivemyself and to forgive him
(40:42):
because it was I there wasthere, I mean I was angry for
sure.
Um at him, but it wasn't servingme in any way.
And eventually I began torealize that if I'm ever going
to what I really realized was ifI'm going to do the best I can
for her and help her get towhere and and heal, I he's not
(41:07):
worth my time spending my energyand my effort and my emotion on
him that if I want the bestoutcome for her, my energy needs
to be focused on her.
SPEAKER_03 (41:18):
Well, and that's exactly right.
I think that I I even found withmyself trying to understand my
abuser and why did he do thosethings, was it just me or is it
something about him?
And then I realized I'm nevergoing to understand it.
And all I'm going to do is burnmyself out, trying to get inside
of his head.
So I'm I'm glad you did that.
And I I want to use this as kindof a segue into the next part of
(41:43):
our conversation because I'msure there are a lot of factors
that made you look at menspecifically in mental health
and burnout.
But I'm sure this may haveplayed a little bit of a role in
that as far as like youmentioned being the protector of
the family and the provider forthe family.
So do you want to discuss alittle bit about what got you
(42:04):
into what you you are doing, thementoring and the coaching and
and what you are doing withthat?
SPEAKER_00 (42:09):
Yeah, thank you.
And and and you know, I I hadsometimes uh well I often say
that we dots sort of connectwhen we look back.
And this until just this moment,I don't know that I didn't make
that connection necessarily.
That part of this experienceprobably is one of those things
that's wanted to help me to dothat.
(42:30):
Um, but besides that, one of thethings that I I felt in my life
is uh like I think a lot of menwho've worked in a career for a
while, uh had some level ofsuccess in what they've done, uh
look back and start quitewondering, well, is this it?
(42:52):
Uh is is there a legacy that I'mthat I'm leaving?
What legacy am I am I leaving?
And I had an experience uhprobably about seven years ago.
My my mom had passed away in2015, and uh it was now it was
(43:12):
in 2018, and my dad's health hadwas deteriorating, and so we
realized that he couldn't liveon his own.
And so, like uh if you haven'texperienced it yet, at some
point most of all willexperience the opportunity to go
help take care of parents and uhprepare a house for sale or
(43:32):
whatever we need to do to helpthem.
And uh my my dad had a dreamwhen he was or when he was
younger.
When I was young, I was probably10 years old.
He wanted to own his own smallengine repair business.
And I was so excited for him.
I thought, oh, my dad's gonna dothis thing he's always talked
(43:54):
about.
And I remember him going andgetting I come on with the with
this with the manuals and hewould study, and and then I
remember he had this engine thathe would take apart and put back
together, and saw him do thatmany times.
And for whatever reason, I don'tknow exactly why this business
didn't really take off for him.
(44:15):
It just never materialized inthe way I at least I know that
he envisioned and I that I wasexcited about.
So here we are in 2018 clearingout his garage, and I found
these old manuals sitting there,and I found the old engine
buried under all this pile ofstuff, and now we're literally
(44:38):
taking all this stuff and we'reputting it into a dumpster.
And I literally felt like I'mthrowing my dad's dreams at a
I'm throwing my dad's dreamsaway.
And I thought, am I on the samepath?
Am I doing the same?
Am I what am I doing with my ownpassion and dream and am I
(45:02):
feeling living the life thatI've always imagined myself
living?
And the answer to that questionwas, I wasn't.
And I began to think, well,what's gonna change?
How am I gonna change this?
And so that that was that was apivot point in in my my life and
my thinking, and began merealizing I don't want to get to
(45:26):
the end of my life with with alevel of regret that says I
didn't do the thing that I wasfeeling like I wanted to do.
And so that that was that wasthe beginning for me, was a
moment with that experience.
SPEAKER_03 (45:39):
What I imagine that has to be difficult too, because
you're not 20 coming to thatrealization.
You know, to be to be in yourcareer and comfortable in your
career and realize that you wantto and you need to to make that
pivot.
SPEAKER_00 (45:55):
Exactly.
And that was one of the limitingbeliefs, and one of the things
that I struggled with earlierwas I thought, well, man, and if
I share this, what are peoplegonna think of me?
Are people gonna think he's losthis mind, that he's he's going
through this crisis?
SPEAKER_03 (46:11):
I was gonna say midlife crisis, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (46:13):
It's just a phase.
And then I but I thought, no,no, and I and I as I spent time
reflecting and thinking about uhimpactful stories in my life and
moments of my life, I began torealize that this this feeling
was in my heart, and and andwhat I've learned and continue
(46:35):
to learn in my life is when Ihave that feeling that's in my
chest, and I think we all havethat, that we're we want greater
expansion and fuller expressionin our lives, and we're meant to
do something more.
And yet we will let thesebeliefs in our minds keep us
down, and we'll we'll let fearor being unfamiliar, like the
(47:00):
things that we want to do,because what I've what I'm
continuing to learn is the thingthat we that we want to do, it
may feel unfamiliar to us, andour brains are sort of wired to
protect us.
And so when we're experiencingthat feeling of unfamiliarity,
we think, oh, well, if I go backto this safe zone, well, that
(47:22):
means that this thing I wasthinking about must not be
right.
And it's only we only feel thatbecause it's unfamiliar.
unknown (47:30):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (47:32):
As I step into doing the things that maybe stretch
me.
I think about a rubber band isreally most useful when it's
being stretched.
And so as I stretch myself, mymy my uh area of comfort begins
to expand.
And I feel what used to beunfamiliar and not less
(47:54):
comforting now feels familiar.
I'm just thinking, probably whenyou first started your podcast,
it probably felt really scaryand unfamiliar.
And now you go, it's not scaryat all.
SPEAKER_03 (48:06):
Right, right.
I was actually just thinkingthat I remember thinking, I'm
going to push myself out of thiscomfort zone because I felt that
I was very complacent with whereI was in life.
I was in a good spot in my lifeand it was fine, and I probably
could have continued that thattrack and been satisfied.
(48:28):
But then I feel like there wouldalways have been this piece of
me wondering, well, what if Iwould have done that?
Or what if I would have triedthat instead?
And so, yeah, definitely I feltthat.
SPEAKER_00 (48:39):
Yes.
And so that that was uh and andand I tried it.
One of the things I I've done asI began to think about that, I
thought, well, okay, what I Iwasn't wasn't really clear on
exactly what I was going to do.
I I heard and had seen peopleflipping houses.
So I thought, can I flip ahouse?
(49:01):
Never done that before.
And so I went to some meetupsand I learned a little bit about
what people do and how you findhouses.
And I I flipped a house.
Uh well, I'll tell you, talkabout being uncomfortable and
familiar.
I uh it was kind of the I feltthis chicken and egg thing.
I thought, well, I need to beable to have people to help me
(49:22):
do this, but if I don't have ahouse that they can actually
work on, then how do I get them?
So I ended up with this housebefore I had anybody to really
help me do anything with it.
But now it was all real.
I thought, okay, now the show isreally on.
I gotta figure out how to do it.
And I did it.
And so, and now as I look backon, I may had some, I made some
(49:44):
money, lost some money, and youlearn.
But what it what that experiencehelped me to realize is that if
I just take a step and I just dosomething, uh it's like driving
at night with your lights on.
You'll do you keep driving tothe end of the light.
You're the path isn't alwaysexactly clear, but if you just
(50:07):
keep driving, you just drive tothe end of the light.
You keep driving, and it becomesthe path becomes clear as you
keep moving.
And that's what I've just beendiscovering is that I the
movement is what has helped meto get more clear on this.
I couldn't really define the thethe necessarily with great
clarity the what I was feelingcalled to do.
(50:29):
But I as I began to move, thatbegan to take shape and became
became clear.
SPEAKER_03 (50:34):
Now, did you talk to other men, other friends or
family members to see if that ifthey had been feeling the same
same way?
SPEAKER_00 (50:41):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
So I love your question becauseI uh I had a uh a dear friend
that uh had had was talkingwith, and uh he he said to me,
he said, I'm always telling mykids, live your dreams, you can
be anything you want to be.
(51:02):
And he said it smacked me rightin the face when my son turned
to me and said, Well, dad, areyou living yours?
SPEAKER_03 (51:10):
Wow, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (51:11):
And he said, I was like, I realized I was not.
And so, as I've definitelytalked with other fathers, men
that in careers that that feltvery similar uh and had a
similar feeling experience thatyeah, I'm I'm I'm I'm feeling a
little bit stuck.
(51:32):
And what I've discovered is thatwhen to me to me uh purpose is
like fuel and vision is like athe the well you have a vision
and then the the purpose is thefuel that gets you there.
And and we we all have thesethese things we carry around.
(51:55):
Oh there we go.
SPEAKER_03 (51:57):
You can't get away from them, right?
SPEAKER_00 (51:59):
And they have this wonderful thing in them called a
GPS.
Uh but they're really only veryuseful when they have an
address.
And that's what vision to me is.
Vision is like an address and aGPS.
And once I have the address andI know where I'm going, then
it's much easier to get there.
But what if I don't put anaddress into it?
(52:21):
It's you you do stay stuck.
So I that's that's why I feellike having a clarity of your
vision and understanding whatthat is and getting clear on it
is putting the address, and nowyou know where you're gonna
where you're where you're going.
SPEAKER_03 (52:38):
So what do you do with your services?
You're not like a trade, youknow, let's learn a new trade
and I'll teach you how to flip ahouse and I'll teach you how to
do all these other things.
What is it that you specificallyoffer?
SPEAKER_00 (52:50):
Yeah, one of the things that I uh help helping
people get clear on on that, onvision and understanding uh
purpose.
Because I I've just that's thething I've discovered in my own
life is when having clarity ofmy the purpose and then creating
(53:11):
the vision.
And the other thing is I'velearned is that whatever I'm
desiring to do, if it doesn'talign with my values, my values
are always going to win out.
And I feel like that's where alot of people become stuck is
because the things that youyou're if if if there if there's
(53:32):
conflict between values anddesires, you're always gonna
feel this tension and and andthe feeling of stuck in the
values will win.
And but when you have values anddesires and your strengths in
alignment, now you're reallymoving with clarity and with
flow and uh life.
(53:54):
Not that there's not challenges,but those things become much
easier to and those obstaclesare easier to overcome when
those things are all inalignment, because when they're
not, that's when you experiencethis dissonance between where
you're trying to move to and andand and your values.
So becoming clear on those,those, those things is really,
(54:15):
really helpful.
SPEAKER_03 (54:16):
Oh, I love it because you know in high school
you have guidance counselors, incollege you have, you know,
different counselors that helpguide you.
Like what career path do youwant to go down?
What do you want to where do yousee yourself in the future?
And then when you you get intothat career and you're like,
okay, this is what I've wanted,but then you have like this next
part of your life experiencesthat might be influencing you to
(54:39):
think that's actually not what Iwanted to do.
I it's you know, having thatextra guidance, one for somebody
to say it's okay to not feeltotally satisfied with where you
are right now.
And I love that.
I love that you're offeringthose services to help somebody
guide that like guide people towhat they actually really want.
(55:02):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (55:03):
Yeah, and and I and and that realization that that
my life and my experiences,yeah, I always felt like for a
lot of my life that oh well I Ihad this limiting belief that I
wasn't enough, that I'd haveenough experience, enough
(55:23):
education.
And now looking back at life, Irealized how limiting I and
that's I think it's allowingthose limiting beliefs to are
what hold a lot of us back andand the feeling of fear and uh
and and and we we often willlook at failure as this
negative, and failure really isjust your uh it's a first
(55:47):
attempt at learning.
SPEAKER_03 (55:51):
Right.
You can't learn if you don'tfail.
SPEAKER_00 (55:53):
Yeah.
And you think about how how manyinventions were made, or if I if
I were in in and thinking aboutperfection, I mean I just held
up my phone, but this phone thatI have is not the first version
that was ever made.
The the cars we drive are notthe first version of cars, but
(56:13):
it's always evolving andimproving.
And so sometimes just feelinglike, well, if I don't do it
perfectly, if I if I make anattempt and it doesn't turn out
exactly perfectly, well, then Ifailed somehow and it's not
good, and therefore I shouldstop.
And it's if we look at if welook at those things, is it that
(56:34):
if we look at life andexperience and and things that
don't turn out exactly like wewant is a failure and and we
stop that then then then that'swhen it becomes.
But if we're continuing to moveforward and continue to learn,
it's never a failure, it's justa learning.
You can turn that into learning.
SPEAKER_03 (56:52):
Yeah.
I actually I asked my kids theother day uh what their
definition of failure was.
And they it was I have threekids, and the consensus was
failure is when you stop aftermessing up the first time.
And I was like, oh, I'm gonnawrite that one down.
(57:12):
Yeah.
Yeah, and they're young.
I have no idea.
You know, um maybe it's becauseyou know, when you're a kid, you
don't have all those experiencesthat have taught you that you
can't do something or thatyou're not good enough, or you
are going to fail.
You're still, you still havethis like wide open mind of I
can do anything.
So maybe that's why they're ableto come up with something a lot
(57:34):
more profound than I could havecome up with myself.
SPEAKER_00 (57:37):
Yeah, I I feel like sometimes life, uh I the way I
just describe it, sometimes wewe have we start off with this
this dream or and then life sortof happens, experiences, and the
the dream sort of gets knockedout of us a bit.
Uh and and we at some point wewe stop.
And one of the things and thenlooking back now with some life
(57:58):
experience, uh, I mean, weraised five kids, but one of the
things I love is as agrandfather is watching our
grandkids and seeing life a bitthrough uh a different with
experience and different lensand realizing uh what we're
talking about.
I how when when they stand up towalk or when they want to start
(58:20):
learning to climb up a ladder ora slide, the the stairs to a to
a slide, there it's neverperfect.
There's bumps, there's bruises,there's times when they may they
miss a step or they fall, butthen they're right back up doing
it all over again.
unknown (58:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (58:41):
There's so much that we we as adults will sometimes
we could learn a great lessonfrom watching them, how they how
they learn about their life andand and and we all have
experience it.
And and and I guess the otherthing is I mean that that's a
huge leap to go from crawling towalking to running.
(59:03):
And we've all experienced it.
And and I think sometimes it'staking a moment to realize we've
all taken big quantum leaps inlife, and you can keep doing
that.
SPEAKER_03 (59:17):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (59:17):
I mean we're an adult.
SPEAKER_03 (59:19):
Right.
If only we can look at ourselveslike our child selves would have
looked at us, like go do it.
You can totally do that.
And or believe in ourselves likethe people around us believe in
us.
SPEAKER_00 (59:31):
Yeah, so so true.
And and and there's yeah,there's and that reality exists
and and and uh so often we'llwe'll we convince ourselves that
there is only one reality.
And there's a there's a totallyopposite and just I mean what we
were talking about earlier withour with our daughter.
I mean, you she could havetotally become convinced that
(59:53):
that was that was now reality oflife, and and there was a
completely different world forher.
That's uh she's realized and andshe's married and has a child
and doing amazing things.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:09):
I love that.
Um do you think, Dean, thatwe've missed any topics that we
wanted to cover?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:17):
No, this has been amazing for me.
I'm so grateful that you uhinvited me here to be on on the
show and be able to share someof my experience and to share
this experience.
So thank you very, very much.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:30):
Well, thank you.
This has been a really greatconversation.
Um, before we go, do you haveany links or anything that you'd
like to share if people want toget in touch with you?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:38):
Yeah, thank you so much.
Yes, my uh website is deantaylorofficial.com.
You can also find me at uhInstagram on Instagram at Dean
TaylorOfficial.
Uh on my website I have a few, acouple of free resources that
people could download.
I've I've shared some of my ownlife lessons and things that uh
I've experienced and alsoincluded in there if they want
(01:01:02):
to take a little deeper dive onif that triggers uh uh or helps
them see uh fill uh an own lifeexperience to go deeper on it.
They there's some journalprompts to to do that.
I also have a free guide aboutdiscovering purpose and vision
and in three simple steps howyou could you could make that
happen today.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:22):
Well, we have covered a lot of topics uh in
this conversation, but what doyou have any final words of
encouragement or wisdom that youwould like to leave listeners
with?
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:36):
I uh yes.
I uh say that it's never toolate to stop.
Start dreaming again, but alwaystoo early to stop.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:46):
Oh, that's awesome.
I like that.
Well, Dean, thank you again somuch.
This was really an enjoyableconversation.
I loved everything we talkedabout.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:56):
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it.
I have to.
I've I've enjoyed being a uhguest here and appreciate the
opportunity.
SPEAKER_03 (01:02:02):
Thank you.
Thank you again, Dean, forjoining me today, and thank you,
Warriors, for listening.
I've included the links Dean wasreferring to as well as his one
in three profile in the shownotes.
I will be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong.
And wherever you are in yourjourney, always remember you are
(01:02:24):
not alone.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02:28):
Find more information, register as a
guest, or leave a review bygoing to the website
onein3podcast.com.
That's the number one, in thenumber three podcast.com.
Follow one in three onInstagram, Facebook, and Twitter
at one in three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate review and subscribe.
(01:02:49):
One in three is a.5 Pinoyproduction.
Music written and performed byTim Crow.
Hi, Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
I'm your host, Ingrid.
Since this is the last episodedropping for Domestic Violence
Awareness Month, I wanted toclose out by sharing a different
perspective we don't often hear.
What it's like for familymembers, especially parents,
walking alongside a loved onewho is being abused.
(00:21):
The worry, the fear, the hope,and how a family's response can
carry so much weight in avictim's journey.
Today's guest is Dean, whoshares his experience standing
next to his daughter as sheendured abuse at the hands of
her partner.
Our conversation then takes aturn into mental health and what
(00:42):
Dean is now doing to help othersnavigate their lives and find
fulfillment.
Let's get started.
Hi, Dean.
Thank you for joining me todayand welcome to the podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited to be on the showtoday.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_03 (00:57):
Yes, I'm very excited to have you on as well.
Uh, could you go ahead and givea brief background just so we
can get to know you a littlebit?
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Yes, thanks.
Yeah, I am uh my wife and I havebeen married for gosh now 32
years.
It's pretty exciting.
And we have five children andthree grandchildren.
I have worked in uh worked inhealthcare for a long time, have
(01:26):
a background in nursing.
I was a nurse in the newborn ICUfor about seven years, and then
I got into healthcare IT andthen did some a little bit of
real estate in my background aswell, and along that path and
journey of some discovery andlearning about myself,
discovered my passion for uhmentoring and and helping other
(01:53):
career fathers like myself whofelt a little bit unfulfilled or
stuck in life and wondering whatam I gonna do?
And uh so yeah, that's a littlebit about me.
SPEAKER_03 (02:03):
I don't know that we talked about this.
I'm a nurse practitioner.
I don't know that we did we Idon't think we did.
SPEAKER_01 (02:08):
I don't think we did.
No.
SPEAKER_03 (02:10):
Okay.
So both nursing backgrounds, itmakes sense that you would want
to do something to to helpothers.
You can't get that one that likeit's been great, it is, it
really is.
Okay, so and we're going to getinto the mentoring and coaching
in a little bit, but you have aninteresting take or an
interesting perspective, Isuppose, on domestic violence, a
(02:32):
different view than I'vetypically been sharing on the
podcast.
Do you want to go ahead and getinto that?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
That would be great.
Absolutely.
So we have my perspective on it.
I have a have a daughter.
Uh we have two daughters, andone of our daughters was uh
experienced domestic violence inin her life, and this is about
six years ago.
So she would, and uh she wasit's so crazy how some of these
(03:02):
things, it seems like it's uhthey they start, at least our
her experience was uh she'd shewas in a had had a previous uh
boyfriend and had they brokenup, and so she was feeling a
little bit of the the sorrowfrom that, and she had gone to
with a with a group of friends,they went to uh I can't remember
(03:23):
why they decided to do this, butthey went to a jujitsu class.
And so they they went there andand a couple of one of her
friends, they they loved it.
They thought, oh, this is reallycool, and they wanted to go
back, and so they started goingback to the to the class and
made a connection with uh theinstructor, uh, who ended up
(03:43):
being the person who was uh herbecame the the abuser of her.
Uh and it was just kind of crazyhow that whole story sort of
unraveled a little bit.
Her and her friend were going,and almost immediately uh he
began sort of pitting heragainst her friend uh in terms
(04:05):
of how he would advance herfriend and advance her through
the the different levels ofprogression in jujitsu, and kept
telling her she wasn't quitedoing it well enough, or even
though she was our daughter wasin whatever exercises or matches
they were having, she wasusually winning, but he was kept
(04:26):
telling her that she wasn'tdoing it well enough, or there's
some more she needed to do, adifferent technique, or whatever
it was.
And um, but this was after theyhad this connection, she she
felt initially felt this realbond and connection with him.
He he seemed to know uh how justthe right things to say, the
(04:47):
things that she needed to hearbecause he knew she was coming
out of this relationship whereshe felt heartbroken.
And I think he might now lookingback, preyed on it because and
when I I when I first met him,he seemed to be like the the
perfect solution to all of herproblems uh in terms of her
heartbreak, and he was so kindand doing these things.
(05:09):
And then it wasn't too longafter that that we began to
notice that she started to wantto not do as many things with
the family.
It was she was seemed to bebeing pulled further and further
away from us, and we didn'tunderstand it.
We're like, well, what's what'sgoing on here?
Why are why are she prioritizingspending time here with him over
(05:31):
doing things with us?
And that was wasn't her nature.
It was just not she always wasso connected with family and
wanted to do things with us, andand uh I mean it was a little
bit harder because she was shewas an adult.
I mean, she was in her uh shewould have been 20 uh at the
(05:53):
time, and so I didn't reallyfeel like I, you know, I I kind
of understood that having raisedteenagers that they in older
kids and they do things on theirown, but it just seems really
out of the ordinary uh the thedistance that seemed to be
happening with us, and uh and mymy wife had all of us on this
(06:14):
there's this app called Life360.
I don't know if you've everheard of that, but it's a way to
kind of track and keep track ofpeople where I don't know if you
keep track of them, but you justkind of know their location.
And uh there was a a night thatuh I or morning I woke up, it
was a Sunday morning, and Inoticed that her car wasn't out
(06:36):
in front of our house.
It was early morning, and Ithought, where is her car?
And I looked up on live 360 andI could see that she was still
over at the gym.
And I thought, why is she at thegym at this time of day?
And so I I went over there and II I knocked on on the gym door
and I thought, Where are you at?
(06:58):
And I and she came out and shesays, Oh, well, we were here, we
were just kind of talking allthrough the night, and but that
was really odd.
Like she had never done anythinglike that.
So it kind of just made me thinkuh a little bit about uh you
know, I just felt a littlenervous about it.
It just seemed odd to me, thebehavior, and so I began to
(07:24):
watch Live 360 a little moreclosely and just think, like,
where is she spending her time?
And then and then I startednoticing uh because she had a uh
uh room downstairs that ourbasement door was unlocked.
I went and I checked our and soshe but learned I eventually
learned that she had beensneaking out at night or leaving
(07:45):
at night.
I shouldn't say sneaking, she'san adult, but that she was
leaving the house and she wouldbe and she didn't want us
knowing about it.
And uh, but I didn't it was justit and this went on for a while,
and I didn't really know all thewhat all that was happening, but
I it the thing that was soapparent to me is and besides
(08:07):
the distance and the the theless time she spent with family
was just how unhappy she seemedto be.
Like I there was a differentchange in her countenance.
I could just see it in her face,and and I would try to talk to
her about it, and she would justtry to assure me that everything
was fine and it was all okay.
And um, but I just my wife and Ibecame, we just began to be more
(08:32):
and more nervous and and and sada bit about the the time that
less time that she was spendinguh with home with us at home,
which was again out of theordinary for her.
And then there was where we kindof began to really piece
together more of the what waswhat was happening, that we she
wasn't confiding in us at all,uh what she was experiencing.
(08:58):
Uh it was on Valentine's Day init would have been in 20 what I
think was, yeah, but it wouldhave been 2020.
Uh she she was she wanted toborrow our truck and and and go
on.
She said she was gonna go on uhuh a trip with this with this
(09:19):
guy.
And they had a uh uh we live inUtah and they were gonna go up
to Bear Lake to this cabin.
And it just I can't really uhexplain it, other than there's
just there was a there was a gutfeeling in me that just felt
like there's something off.
And I just and so I started toask her, well, what are they
were gonna do and where are theygonna be?
And I just was inquiring andsometime during that
(09:41):
conversation, she just happenedto mention to me, uh, well, I I
was trying to encourage her notto go.
I just said, you know, it's it'ssnowy, it's the middle of
February, we live in Utah in themountains, and it just doesn't
seem like a great time.
It was snowy, and there wassnowstorms, and uh I just tried
(10:02):
to, and the more I tried tomention to her about, well,
maybe could you just go adifferent day?
This it was there was somestorms, and but she seemed to be
really panicked about she'slike, I just can't tell him that
we're not going.
I can't tell him that we're notgoing.
Like, why can you not tell him?
Like, why she said, Well, he'lljust be upset.
And I'm like, Well, why I don'tthis doesn't make sense.
Like, why I could just see thepanic in her face.
(10:25):
And the more I try to encourageher not to go, the more she just
I could just see the fear in herthat she and that's when I
started thinking, well, whatsomething must be going on here
more than I'm than I reallyknow.
And I said, Well, well, can youjust at least let us, you know,
(10:46):
let us know that you got theresafely.
Uh and and on, and because itwas kind of it was a bit of a
trip to get to where they weregoing.
And my wife had texted her whilethey were driving up and said,
Noticed again, we were we kindof had watched on the Life 360
app, and they were not exactlywhere the route should have
(11:07):
taken them.
They were and my wife said, andshe was nervous about the whole
thing and about how upset he wasgoing to be with her not going.
My wife said, I don't know whyshe asked her this, but she
said, Hey, would you just sendus a picture of where you're at?
And the picture that we got backwe we it it's so crazy.
(11:32):
It was not even a pic we knewthe clothes she left in.
And the picture that she thatthey that we received, she
wasn't wearing the same clothesas what she had left in.
And so we said, when was thispicture taken?
And it was a picture that shehad taken weeks before in a
different so it wasn't even sonow we're really nervous.
(11:54):
We're like, okay, we're we're wewhere is she at?
She's doesn't this picture sheis it's not we we just it this
doesn't make any sense at all.
So we began to really feelreally uh scared about what was
where she was at and what mightbe happening, and um and then it
(12:18):
was about midnight, uh a littleafter midnight, we got a call
from her older sister, and shesaid, uh I got a text from
Madeline and she asked me if Icould come pick her up.
Or I thought, she goes, Do youknow where she's at?
And we said, Well, yeah, we weshe was told us she was going to
(12:39):
the cabin up at uh a cabin up atBear Lake, but she said, Well,
she just asked me if she couldcome if I could come pick her
up, and she said, I I can'tleave.
I don't want to drive in thenight in the storm.
And so I began texting ourdaughter and asking her, Hey,
what's going on?
Why are you needing me to comepick you, or why are you asking
to be come uh someone to comepick you up?
(13:01):
And and there was no it wedidn't get a message back, and
and I'm like, I just had thissinking feeling, and it's like
this I you want to call itparental instinct, whatever it
was, it's like something is notright, and I need to go, I need
to go get her.
(13:21):
And so I I began the the trip upand uh I I'm on I'm driving and
as I'm I I got I was probablyabout I don't know 45 minutes
away from from where they wereat.
I got she called me and shesaid, Hey, uh there's it's you
don't need to keep coming.
(13:42):
There's a we know it's stormy uphere.
I don't want you to keep riskingdriving up here in the storm.
We're we're actually we knowit's uh pretty snowy, so we're
we're packing up when we'regoing to we're gonna come home.
And I said, No, I'm I'm I'mclose enough.
I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna keepcoming.
And she's like, no, Dad, really,really you don't need to come.
(14:02):
We're we're I don't want to missyou, and I don't want you to
risk.
And I said, No, it's okay.
I'm totally good.
I'm I'm already into the drive.
I'm coming.
I'll come get you.
Well, I arrived at their cabinand I found out where their
leave fortunately I found outwhere the cabin was because I
was I had her address.
I could see where she was atfrom the Life 360 app.
(14:23):
And I saw her truck parkedoutside the one side of the
cabin, and I knocked on the doorand there was no answer.
So I thought, okay, well knockagain, and I tried it, and it
was a side door, and I knockedbecause that's where the truck
was parked, and so then I wentaround to the front and I
knocked again and waited andknocked again and waited, and
(14:47):
then eventually she opened thedoor.
And of course I was veryrelieved to see her.
Uh, but she was she looked likea complete mess.
She was in tears.
She was she just uh it is uh ohthis the image of just
remembering what she looked likeuh and how how terrified she
(15:11):
looked.
And and then he came to thedoor, uh, this her boyfriend,
and uh was just started railingon me about how controlling I
was as a father, and howcontrolling I why would I come
get my adult daughter and howmuch and was trying to convince
(15:32):
her to show her, tell her thatyou see how controlling your dad
is, he won't let you go stay anyplace by yourself, and and he
was trying to invite me into thehouse uh or into the cabin.
He said, I've been wanting totalk to you for so long.
And he said, Because I love yourdaughter, and I can't believe
how you you don't love yourdaughter, and I'm the only one
(15:53):
that loves her, and you you andhe was just going on, and and
the other part of the story thatwas so interesting to me was I
was so panicked, and I justthought, if something's happened
to her, there was all thesefeelings of a father welling up
inside of me about ifsomething's happened, how what
am I gonna do?
Uh and I just had this thisfeeling, this and this clear,
(16:18):
distinct impression come into mymind that just said, don't look
at him, don't engage him.
And so I I just didn't pay anyattention, I just ignored him,
didn't act like he was eventalking to me.
I just kept talking to mydaughter.
I just I kept saying, just grabyour stuff, let's go.
(16:40):
But we had two vehicles there.
It was our vehicle that shedrove up, and and I asked her, I
said, Well, can you uh get inthe are you able to drive home?
And and then I quickly realizedshe was not in any sort of an
emotional state to to drive.
And my my my goal at that pointwas I thought, I I I want him to
find his own way home.
(17:00):
I don't really care.
Uh but I eventually she said,Well, just can we just leave the
keys here and and let him drivehome and return the truck on his
own?
And so she and I got in our carand we began to drive home, and
she just broke down in tearscrying.
(17:22):
And began, that's when the storyreally began to unravel about
all the stuff that had beenhappening to her.
And I learned that the reasonshe didn't come to the door
right away when I knocked thefirst time is because he had her
in a chokehold on the floor,holding her with his black belt
and jiu-jitsu capabilities.
Uh, and how she got out of it.
(17:43):
She said, I honestly don't know,Dad, how I got out of the hold
he had me in.
But I knew you were at the doorand I wanted to get to you.
And knowing that you were at thedoor waiting for me was what I
wanted.
And so sorry, I'm a littleemotional.
Of course you are.
(18:06):
But but knowing that she wassafe um was was all that really
mattered to me at that point.
Um and one of one of herfavorite places to eat was uh
Chick-fil-A.
(18:26):
So we went and we went to thereto get something to eat, and we
just sat in the car and talked.
And uh the most frighteningthing about the whole part of
this story was um the reason shehad texted our daughter uh that
night to come pick her up, andshe she she got her phone away
(18:49):
from him.
Um and and he had fallen asleep,and and when he had fallen
asleep, she'd crawled underneaththe bed and texted her sister to
say, Can you come pick me up?
And she was afraid of beingdiscovered by him uh being on
her phone.
Uh and she said that he had toldher his plan for the next
(19:14):
morning was to take uh to go ona hike and to take them and into
the woods on a hike and to killher and to kill and kill
himself.
Oh my gosh.
And that's why she was sopanicked and wanting to get out
of there, but didn't know howshe was gonna get out and s and
needed someone to come get her.
And he had the key.
(19:35):
She couldn't get the key to thetruck.
She felt she was stuck in hishouse the whole night.
And so I'm I'm there's noquestion in my mind that the the
overwhelming feeling I had toleave and to go when I did was
because her life was was indanger.
SPEAKER_03 (19:57):
Oh and you showed up at just the exact right time.
SPEAKER_00 (20:01):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (20:02):
My gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (20:03):
Yeah, and and I guess another thing that part of
the story I I forgot was when Iwas having that conversation
with her before she left, uh Ican't remember exactly how it
came up, but she had mentionedto me that uh her friend
Cameron, her boyfriend, wouldwould would read her text
(20:26):
messages.
And I asked her the question, Isaid, Well, who over who else of
your friends ever takes yourphones and reads your text
messages?
It never had occurred to herthat that was an odd behavior at
that point.
I think she was at that point soemotionally I didn't know
anything about narcissism andthis abusive behavior.
(20:48):
It was such a new world for mywife and I that but when she
just mentioned that he wasreading and monitoring her
messages, I just I asked herthat question and said, Why why
would you allow him to do that?
She said, Well, he he just takesmy phone.
And I said, Why did that thatdoesn't seem odd to you?
(21:12):
Like who and and it hadn't everoccurred to her at that point.
And so I think she was thinking,she was that was kind of the
first now that she's kind oftold me this and had was sharing
the story, that that stuck inher mind uh about how that, how,
how controlling of behavior thatwas, because he was always
(21:32):
feeding her information aboutme, about how controlling I was
as a father, and that's why shecouldn't be around me because I
was trying to control her life.
SPEAKER_03 (21:46):
So that's why she was sneaking out and not letting
you know.
SPEAKER_00 (21:52):
And even another really sad part of the story was
she has uh soy allergy.
And one of the things that shehad done prior to going up to
this cabin was she had made thisValentine's Day dinner.
She had spent all this timemaking this thing, was and and
preparing for this.
And then on their way up there,uh on their way to the cabin, he
(22:18):
was making fun of her cooking,of the food.
He didn't want to eat any ofthis stuff.
He actually went and ate at aChinese restaurant because he
knew of her allergies.
He knew that she couldn't eat,and she was so sad because of
him not wanting to eat the mealshe had prepared, how much fun
(22:39):
he was making of what she hadcooked.
Um, and so she left him at therestaurant and went someplace
else to get something to eat.
And when she it was some fastfood place that was nearby, and
uh she just started crying in inthe in this other place, and the
people behind the counter feltso sorry for they just gave her
(23:01):
food for free because she'stelling them this story about
how her boyfriend had justtotally rejected her meal, and
so there's all these things likethat that were happening that we
we weren't aware of, and um andand when she related to me later
the story of her uh when Ipicked her up and how much peace
(23:24):
she felt, she said just being inthe car and us driving.
Uh she said, I one of the thingsthat we love to do as a family
in her growing up was we wouldwatch college football on
Saturday mornings together.
And she said, and the she said,I felt back at I I felt like I
was back at that same placeagain when I was a little girl,
(23:46):
just being with you.
And she said, I felt she said,your reaction to me was one of
pure love.
You didn't ever question me, youdidn't get upset with me, why
was I there?
You just loved me and comfortedme and helped me.
And she said that was such acontrast to the way I had was
(24:10):
being treated and all the lieshe'd been telling me that I had
been believing all this time.
She said it was that was thefirst time that it really was
beginning to settle into hermind that this relationship she
was in was not healthy, which isso crazy to think about.
But she said that because of allthe things that he had sort of
(24:35):
convinced me of about you, andnow actually seeing how you were
reacting with me was so oppositeof what he was telling me how
you were and how you would be.
Uh and anyways, that that thatwas that was that was the first,
that was the beginning of butthat I thought, okay, well, now
(24:56):
it's all over.
And we're gonna, she's she'sshe's now realizing that this is
not good, she's not gonna talkto him, but it wasn't.
She kept going back, and I justit was so hard to finally get
her uh to do that, and and andpart of part of the way that
(25:21):
this we further understood allof what was was happening was um
she she had uh gone to our ourchurch bishop and and was was
sharing with him what hadhappened and and actually shared
with him uh that she had beenraped.
(25:42):
And he said, Do your parents no?
And do you know anything aboutwhat's happening with you?
And she said they didn't.
He said, Well, I'll I'll go withyou to your house and we can we
can talk with your parentstogether.
And uh so they did and uh againI just felt complete I wasn't
(26:05):
upset with her, and she said,That's another one of the
things, Dad, that helped me tobreak away from him was because
when we told you what hadhappened, you said you just
dropped to your knees and huggedme weren't you weren't angry
(26:39):
with me, you weren't she said Ijust never felt so much love in
that moment than I felt from youat that time.
But even at that point, afterall of that, it still wasn't she
still had other encounters withhim.
(27:02):
Um and eventually the way thatwe I was so at that point really
worried about any any contactwith him.
I kept trying to keep her awayfrom him.
She had um she was she waslearning to play uh the organ uh
or the uh the organ at our uh atour church and she'd go over to
(27:27):
practice, and one of the therewas a lady that was helping her
uh learn, and she knew about thesituation at that point, and we
we shared with her because wewere trying to help have other
people help us uh protect her.
And I got a call from her sayingthat she was over at the church
to help, uh, was supposed tomeet with her.
(27:52):
Uh and and and she said shewasn't there, and I said, Oh,
well, I I can see on the appthat she's there, but what she
was doing, she was leaving herphone, and then she would go
with him, and I I was sopanicked at that moment.
I thought, oh no, we've got tofind her, but I didn't know how
(28:13):
to, I couldn't find her, and sowe were looking all around, and
eventually she came back and uhand I back to the church.
I was still there, and she saidthat she had gone with him to
tell him that she was endingeverything with him, and I'm
like, oh my gosh, why would youever be alone with him again?
(28:35):
But she I just felt like I hadto just share all my feelings
and get it all out of me.
And uh but that was eventuallythat that was their last
encounter that they they and butby I just I was so distraught.
I just I the the panic and thefear of not being able to just
(28:56):
knowing that she had again uhand it really and I felt like it
was just why why why would shego back, knowing all that she
had been through, why and uhwhatever have that even be
around him again?
But I've learned a lot about howthese relationships and how hard
(29:20):
it is to to f eventually breakaway from them and the emotional
dependence that that she felt onhim and she that he had created
within her that she only feltlike he was the only one that
could really support her and andanyway.
So that that's pretty much thestory.
SPEAKER_03 (29:42):
It's that that dependence is really it's just
it's so crazy when you look backon it to to see it.
But when you're in it, it's theybuild you up, then they rip the
rug out from underneath you, butthen they come in and they're
your hero.
And like, oh my gosh, I you'redown.
Here, let me help you, let mecomfort you.
(30:02):
Nobody knows you the way I do,nobody loves you the way I do.
And it's they just create thatthat constant back and forth to
where there is, it's like adependence, it's almost like a
chemical, like a drug dependenceon them.
SPEAKER_00 (30:17):
She said that what one of the things that was so
what she realized afterwards wasthat because it started out so
almost picture perfect.
It started out so like he wasthe answer to all her
heartbreak, all the things thatshe was, and she kept thinking
through all the times of abuse,she kept thinking, Well, if it
(30:41):
was that way at the beginning,we can get back to that place.
And it never did.
That's right.
And it only got worse, and itgot worse, and it got worse.
And but but there were all thesemoments of discontinual, it was
like he would build her up tobreak her down, build her up to
break her down.
And that just and that cyclecontinued over and over to where
(31:02):
she became so emotionallydependent that he was the only
thing that could help her feelany sort of joy or any sort of
happiness.
SPEAKER_03 (31:11):
Yeah, and it gets to the point where they don't even
have to knock you down anymore.
Just uh the fact that they'renot knocking you down ends up
feeling like a comforting placeto be.
SPEAKER_00 (31:23):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's something somethingdidn't happen today.
I didn't some yeah, he didn'tget upset today.
So it's that that that's that'sa win.
SPEAKER_03 (31:30):
Exactly.
Exactly.
And they're very, very trickyabout at first, you know,
building you up.
And then the first knockdown,you think it's your your own
fault.
Like, what did I do to make themchange the way they feel about
me?
SPEAKER_00 (31:46):
So true.
She's expressed that so manytimes about she felt like
everything was her fault.
And then he convinced her thatit was her fault and everything.
It was never, ever him that wasit was always something she did,
or something she said that wasthe cause of him doing or saying
something that he did.
SPEAKER_03 (32:04):
Right.
Like, of course I did this.
Of course I said this.
Look what you did to me first.
SPEAKER_00 (32:09):
Yeah.
Or she would believe, or shewould share something about
something he said, and then hewould act like he never said it.
And so she thought she wascompletely crazy.
SPEAKER_03 (32:18):
Yes.
There was that too.
Yeah.
That never happened, or you'reoverreacting, you're
embellishing.
I was just kidding.
All of those.
All of those.
SPEAKER_00 (32:28):
Yeah, when when he when I was telling you about
when he when she was at the thefast food place and was crying,
uh, he came and found her andstarted telling all of them that
oh, she was, she just thoughtshe overreacts, this really
wasn't that big a deal.
She's and he was actuallylaughing at her about her and
telling her that she was justshe just needed to stop being so
(32:49):
emotional and getting upsetabout such little things.
SPEAKER_03 (32:52):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh my goodness.
Well, I commend you and yourfamily and the entire community
of support you had around herbecause you guys reacted exact
and you particularly reactedexactly the way that will help
somebody who's in one of thoserelationships.
Because, you know, if you werethe dad that's coming to the
(33:14):
door saying, What are you doinghere?
I don't understand, or gets intoa fight, either verbally or
physically with the boyfriend,you are only reinforced
reinforcing all of thosenegative things that he had said
about you that would, you know,push her closer to him and
further apart from you.
And I can't emphasize enough howimportant it or how important it
(33:37):
is for people in that circle tojust support and validate,
understand, and be patient.
Oh my gosh, the patience.
It I I mean, I was I was, youknow, one of the victims.
So I wasn't the, you know, thefamily on the outside watching,
but I imagine it has to be sofrustrating to see that
(34:01):
returning and returning andreturning.
SPEAKER_00 (34:04):
Yeah, there uh yes.
SPEAKER_03 (34:08):
It's an understatement, right?
SPEAKER_00 (34:09):
Yeah, and I and I would think, okay, we've had
this conversation.
Uh she's got to get it now.
And it just wasn't, and and I,and and I and I think one of the
things that helped me was I Ibegan to educate myself about
the the pattern of of abuse andand and how narcissism, how
(34:33):
people with narcissisticbehaviors do things.
And then I began to think, howis it possible that they all
read the same?
Is that there's a textbook thatthey all read?
SPEAKER_03 (34:43):
Isn't that weird?
SPEAKER_00 (34:44):
They all pick up the same behavior and they act the
same way.
How is it possible that they alland then you once you experience
it, you can you can spot it.
And it's like I did, but Ididn't ever see that before.
Like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_03 (35:00):
Yeah, I was actually just having a conversation with
a friend the other day about,you know, maybe everyone talking
about these behaviors or thedocumentaries that show abusive
behavior, maybe these abusersare learning what to do from
there.
And I'm like, no, that they justit's in them, they know it.
unknown (35:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (35:19):
It's weird.
It is really weird.
Like every story may not beexactly my story, but it's so
parallel, and I can find so manycommonalities between every
single story.
SPEAKER_00 (35:31):
Yeah, yes.
Yeah, and and and and one of thethings that I I'm so proud of
her.
Uh, I mean, she and and I guessI guess one of the things I'm
I'm proud of her because of whatshe the the work she's done to
overcome all that sheexperienced.
(35:52):
I mean, she I mean the therapythat she went through, uh
medications, etc.
Uh, she has made such tremendousprogress, which is just but that
was one of the things that wasso I if I think about uh from my
perspective, the relationship Ihad with her, uh and the the I
(36:15):
felt like there was this I I Iworried at times, would I ever
get my daughter back?
Would that relationship ever bewhat it was in terms of just who
she was as a person because Ifelt like she was she was just
different and and rightly underI understand, but I I this is
one of the things that was hardfor me that I felt like almost
(36:37):
felt like a death in a way thatI felt like I've lost this
daughter, I felt like I've lostthis relationship that's been so
such a treasure to me in termsof just who she was, but now
helping her and being with heron this other side of all of it,
the relationship we have now isuh more beautiful and strong
(36:58):
than than ever.
And that's one of the thingsthat I I've treasured and
treasure now and looking back onon all of it.
SPEAKER_03 (37:08):
Yeah, it I mean, it is hard to find like the the
silver lining of and I don'teven know that that would be the
right term, but the afterhealing from the aftermath, just
the relationships that you candevelop with people that were in
your life and still are in yourlife is incredible.
(37:29):
And again, I commend you guys.
I mean, to for a victim to knowthat there is this lifeline
that's just sitting therewaiting, and it like you go you
leave the relationship andthey're welcoming you with open
arms.
You go back and they're stillthere waiting, and they're we're
going to be here for you.
We are going to support you toknow that is all the difference
(37:51):
between having the outcome thatyou have now versus you know, a
much more tragic outcome thatcould have could have happened.
And um, I mean, amazing.
Like without the fact that youguys did all this before you did
the research on everything isamazing.
I mean, you guys really made athe difference.
SPEAKER_00 (38:15):
Well, thank you.
I and I I mean if I look back,my my feeling is I I honestly
felt like I was just guided byGod.
I I don't I can't explain itother like the the feeling that
I had to go, the feeling I hadand how to interact with him.
Uh, because I know that drovehim completely crazy that I
would not even make eye contactwith him and engage him and
(38:37):
acknowledge I because I thoughtI I just have this feeling he
wants to he wants to get youwrapped up into his vortex of
words and argument.
And I just wasn't I just havethe kept having the feeling
don't do it.
SPEAKER_03 (38:54):
Oh, for sure.
And I think he probably wouldhave twisted it and somehow
convinced your daughter to stayand that look, your dad is the
bad guy.
I mean, he started out with ittrying to say that you were
controlling.
He would have definitely playedinto that more.
SPEAKER_00 (39:08):
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (39:11):
Well, I'm glad you listened to that voice or that
gut or whatever you want to, theguidance.
SPEAKER_00 (39:16):
Yes.
Well, and and and uh anotherpart for me, uh you know, a
different you know, from theoutside non-victim perspective
was uh it my feelings well theonly thing I did ever say to him
was he he he he he kept askingme to look at him and to he won
(39:41):
because I and he kept wanting meto talk and to look and the only
thing I did is I did look at himand I did one thing I said I
said to him was you don't reallywant to know what I think about
you.
SPEAKER_01 (39:52):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (39:54):
And I had to go through my own process of
forgiveness.
My could my those feelings andand and I my feelings at that
point as a father wanted toprotect and a role of protecting
and providing from my family,and feeling that I had failed in
(40:17):
some way was a really difficultthing.
And to feel that I had I I wouldask myself what was my role?
Why did I spot this sooner?
How could have I seen thisdifferently?
What could I you know, theblaming of myself?
Like why didn't I pick up on thesigns?
Why did and learning to forgivemyself and to forgive him
(40:42):
because it was I there wasthere, I mean I was angry for
sure.
Um at him, but it wasn't servingme in any way.
And eventually I began torealize that if I'm ever going
to what I really realized was ifI'm going to do the best I can
for her and help her get towhere and and heal, I he's not
(41:07):
worth my time spending my energyand my effort and my emotion on
him that if I want the bestoutcome for her, my energy needs
to be focused on her.
SPEAKER_03 (41:18):
Well, and that's exactly right.
I think that I I even found withmyself trying to understand my
abuser and why did he do thosethings, was it just me or is it
something about him?
And then I realized I'm nevergoing to understand it.
And all I'm going to do is burnmyself out, trying to get inside
of his head.
So I'm I'm glad you did that.
And I I want to use this as kindof a segue into the next part of
(41:43):
our conversation because I'msure there are a lot of factors
that made you look at menspecifically in mental health
and burnout.
But I'm sure this may haveplayed a little bit of a role in
that as far as like youmentioned being the protector of
the family and the provider forthe family.
So do you want to discuss alittle bit about what got you
(42:04):
into what you you are doing, thementoring and the coaching and
and what you are doing withthat?
SPEAKER_00 (42:09):
Yeah, thank you.
And and and you know, I I hadsometimes uh well I often say
that we dots sort of connectwhen we look back.
And this until just this moment,I don't know that I didn't make
that connection necessarily.
That part of this experienceprobably is one of those things
that's wanted to help me to dothat.
(42:30):
Um, but besides that, one of thethings that I I felt in my life
is uh like I think a lot of menwho've worked in a career for a
while, uh had some level ofsuccess in what they've done, uh
look back and start quitewondering, well, is this it?
(42:52):
Uh is is there a legacy that I'mthat I'm leaving?
What legacy am I am I leaving?
And I had an experience uhprobably about seven years ago.
My my mom had passed away in2015, and uh it was now it was
(43:12):
in 2018, and my dad's health hadwas deteriorating, and so we
realized that he couldn't liveon his own.
And so, like uh if you haven'texperienced it yet, at some
point most of all willexperience the opportunity to go
help take care of parents and uhprepare a house for sale or
(43:32):
whatever we need to do to helpthem.
And uh my my dad had a dreamwhen he was or when he was
younger.
When I was young, I was probably10 years old.
He wanted to own his own smallengine repair business.
And I was so excited for him.
I thought, oh, my dad's gonna dothis thing he's always talked
(43:54):
about.
And I remember him going andgetting I come on with the with
this with the manuals and hewould study, and and then I
remember he had this engine thathe would take apart and put back
together, and saw him do thatmany times.
And for whatever reason, I don'tknow exactly why this business
didn't really take off for him.
(44:15):
It just never materialized inthe way I at least I know that
he envisioned and I that I wasexcited about.
So here we are in 2018 clearingout his garage, and I found
these old manuals sitting there,and I found the old engine
buried under all this pile ofstuff, and now we're literally
(44:38):
taking all this stuff and we'reputting it into a dumpster.
And I literally felt like I'mthrowing my dad's dreams at a
I'm throwing my dad's dreamsaway.
And I thought, am I on the samepath?
Am I doing the same?
Am I what am I doing with my ownpassion and dream and am I
(45:02):
feeling living the life thatI've always imagined myself
living?
And the answer to that questionwas, I wasn't.
And I began to think, well,what's gonna change?
How am I gonna change this?
And so that that was that was apivot point in in my my life and
my thinking, and began merealizing I don't want to get to
(45:26):
the end of my life with with alevel of regret that says I
didn't do the thing that I wasfeeling like I wanted to do.
And so that that was that wasthe beginning for me, was a
moment with that experience.
SPEAKER_03 (45:39):
What I imagine that has to be difficult too, because
you're not 20 coming to thatrealization.
You know, to be to be in yourcareer and comfortable in your
career and realize that you wantto and you need to to make that
pivot.
SPEAKER_00 (45:55):
Exactly.
And that was one of the limitingbeliefs, and one of the things
that I struggled with earlierwas I thought, well, man, and if
I share this, what are peoplegonna think of me?
Are people gonna think he's losthis mind, that he's he's going
through this crisis?
SPEAKER_03 (46:11):
I was gonna say midlife crisis, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (46:13):
It's just a phase.
And then I but I thought, no,no, and I and I as I spent time
reflecting and thinking about uhimpactful stories in my life and
moments of my life, I began torealize that this this feeling
was in my heart, and and andwhat I've learned and continue
(46:35):
to learn in my life is when Ihave that feeling that's in my
chest, and I think we all havethat, that we're we want greater
expansion and fuller expressionin our lives, and we're meant to
do something more.
And yet we will let thesebeliefs in our minds keep us
down, and we'll we'll let fearor being unfamiliar, like the
(47:00):
things that we want to do,because what I've what I'm
continuing to learn is the thingthat we that we want to do, it
may feel unfamiliar to us, andour brains are sort of wired to
protect us.
And so when we're experiencingthat feeling of unfamiliarity,
we think, oh, well, if I go backto this safe zone, well, that
(47:22):
means that this thing I wasthinking about must not be
right.
And it's only we only feel thatbecause it's unfamiliar.
unknown (47:30):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (47:32):
As I step into doing the things that maybe stretch
me.
I think about a rubber band isreally most useful when it's
being stretched.
And so as I stretch myself, mymy my uh area of comfort begins
to expand.
And I feel what used to beunfamiliar and not less
(47:54):
comforting now feels familiar.
I'm just thinking, probably whenyou first started your podcast,
it probably felt really scaryand unfamiliar.
And now you go, it's not scaryat all.
SPEAKER_03 (48:06):
Right, right.
I was actually just thinkingthat I remember thinking, I'm
going to push myself out of thiscomfort zone because I felt that
I was very complacent with whereI was in life.
I was in a good spot in my lifeand it was fine, and I probably
could have continued that thattrack and been satisfied.
(48:28):
But then I feel like there wouldalways have been this piece of
me wondering, well, what if Iwould have done that?
Or what if I would have triedthat instead?
And so, yeah, definitely I feltthat.
SPEAKER_00 (48:39):
Yes.
And so that that was uh and andand I tried it.
One of the things I I've done asI began to think about that, I
thought, well, okay, what I Iwasn't wasn't really clear on
exactly what I was going to do.
I I heard and had seen peopleflipping houses.
So I thought, can I flip ahouse?
(49:01):
Never done that before.
And so I went to some meetupsand I learned a little bit about
what people do and how you findhouses.
And I I flipped a house.
Uh well, I'll tell you, talkabout being uncomfortable and
familiar.
I uh it was kind of the I feltthis chicken and egg thing.
I thought, well, I need to beable to have people to help me
(49:22):
do this, but if I don't have ahouse that they can actually
work on, then how do I get them?
So I ended up with this housebefore I had anybody to really
help me do anything with it.
But now it was all real.
I thought, okay, now the show isreally on.
I gotta figure out how to do it.
And I did it.
And so, and now as I look backon, I may had some, I made some
(49:44):
money, lost some money, and youlearn.
But what it what that experiencehelped me to realize is that if
I just take a step and I just dosomething, uh it's like driving
at night with your lights on.
You'll do you keep driving tothe end of the light.
You're the path isn't alwaysexactly clear, but if you just
(50:07):
keep driving, you just drive tothe end of the light.
You keep driving, and it becomesthe path becomes clear as you
keep moving.
And that's what I've just beendiscovering is that I the
movement is what has helped meto get more clear on this.
I couldn't really define the thethe necessarily with great
clarity the what I was feelingcalled to do.
(50:29):
But I as I began to move, thatbegan to take shape and became
became clear.
SPEAKER_03 (50:34):
Now, did you talk to other men, other friends or
family members to see if that ifthey had been feeling the same
same way?
SPEAKER_00 (50:41):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
So I love your question becauseI uh I had a uh a dear friend
that uh had had was talkingwith, and uh he he said to me,
he said, I'm always telling mykids, live your dreams, you can
be anything you want to be.
(51:02):
And he said it smacked me rightin the face when my son turned
to me and said, Well, dad, areyou living yours?
SPEAKER_03 (51:10):
Wow, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (51:11):
And he said, I was like, I realized I was not.
And so, as I've definitelytalked with other fathers, men
that in careers that that feltvery similar uh and had a
similar feeling experience thatyeah, I'm I'm I'm I'm feeling a
little bit stuck.
(51:32):
And what I've discovered is thatwhen to me to me uh purpose is
like fuel and vision is like athe the well you have a vision
and then the the purpose is thefuel that gets you there.
And and we we all have thesethese things we carry around.
(51:55):
Oh there we go.
SPEAKER_03 (51:57):
You can't get away from them, right?
SPEAKER_00 (51:59):
And they have this wonderful thing in them called a
GPS.
Uh but they're really only veryuseful when they have an
address.
And that's what vision to me is.
Vision is like an address and aGPS.
And once I have the address andI know where I'm going, then
it's much easier to get there.
But what if I don't put anaddress into it?
(52:21):
It's you you do stay stuck.
So I that's that's why I feellike having a clarity of your
vision and understanding whatthat is and getting clear on it
is putting the address, and nowyou know where you're gonna
where you're where you're going.
SPEAKER_03 (52:38):
So what do you do with your services?
You're not like a trade, youknow, let's learn a new trade
and I'll teach you how to flip ahouse and I'll teach you how to
do all these other things.
What is it that you specificallyoffer?
SPEAKER_00 (52:50):
Yeah, one of the things that I uh help helping
people get clear on on that, onvision and understanding uh
purpose.
Because I I've just that's thething I've discovered in my own
life is when having clarity ofmy the purpose and then creating
(53:11):
the vision.
And the other thing is I'velearned is that whatever I'm
desiring to do, if it doesn'talign with my values, my values
are always going to win out.
And I feel like that's where alot of people become stuck is
because the things that youyou're if if if there if there's
(53:32):
conflict between values anddesires, you're always gonna
feel this tension and and andthe feeling of stuck in the
values will win.
And but when you have values anddesires and your strengths in
alignment, now you're reallymoving with clarity and with
flow and uh life.
(53:54):
Not that there's not challenges,but those things become much
easier to and those obstaclesare easier to overcome when
those things are all inalignment, because when they're
not, that's when you experiencethis dissonance between where
you're trying to move to and andand and your values.
So becoming clear on those,those, those things is really,
(54:15):
really helpful.
SPEAKER_03 (54:16):
Oh, I love it because you know in high school
you have guidance counselors, incollege you have, you know,
different counselors that helpguide you.
Like what career path do youwant to go down?
What do you want to where do yousee yourself in the future?
And then when you you get intothat career and you're like,
okay, this is what I've wanted,but then you have like this next
part of your life experiencesthat might be influencing you to
(54:39):
think that's actually not what Iwanted to do.
I it's you know, having thatextra guidance, one for somebody
to say it's okay to not feeltotally satisfied with where you
are right now.
And I love that.
I love that you're offeringthose services to help somebody
guide that like guide people towhat they actually really want.
(55:02):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (55:03):
Yeah, and and I and and that realization that that
my life and my experiences,yeah, I always felt like for a
lot of my life that oh well I Ihad this limiting belief that I
wasn't enough, that I'd haveenough experience, enough
(55:23):
education.
And now looking back at life, Irealized how limiting I and
that's I think it's allowingthose limiting beliefs to are
what hold a lot of us back andand the feeling of fear and uh
and and and we we often willlook at failure as this
negative, and failure really isjust your uh it's a first
(55:47):
attempt at learning.
SPEAKER_03 (55:51):
Right.
You can't learn if you don'tfail.
SPEAKER_00 (55:53):
Yeah.
And you think about how how manyinventions were made, or if I if
I were in in and thinking aboutperfection, I mean I just held
up my phone, but this phone thatI have is not the first version
that was ever made.
The the cars we drive are notthe first version of cars, but
(56:13):
it's always evolving andimproving.
And so sometimes just feelinglike, well, if I don't do it
perfectly, if I if I make anattempt and it doesn't turn out
exactly perfectly, well, then Ifailed somehow and it's not
good, and therefore I shouldstop.
And it's if we look at if welook at those things, is it that
(56:34):
if we look at life andexperience and and things that
don't turn out exactly like wewant is a failure and and we
stop that then then then that'swhen it becomes.
But if we're continuing to moveforward and continue to learn,
it's never a failure, it's justa learning.
You can turn that into learning.
SPEAKER_03 (56:52):
Yeah.
I actually I asked my kids theother day uh what their
definition of failure was.
And they it was I have threekids, and the consensus was
failure is when you stop aftermessing up the first time.
And I was like, oh, I'm gonnawrite that one down.
(57:12):
Yeah.
Yeah, and they're young.
I have no idea.
You know, um maybe it's becauseyou know, when you're a kid, you
don't have all those experiencesthat have taught you that you
can't do something or thatyou're not good enough, or you
are going to fail.
You're still, you still havethis like wide open mind of I
can do anything.
So maybe that's why they're ableto come up with something a lot
(57:34):
more profound than I could havecome up with myself.
SPEAKER_00 (57:37):
Yeah, I I feel like sometimes life, uh I the way I
just describe it, sometimes wewe have we start off with this
this dream or and then life sortof happens, experiences, and the
the dream sort of gets knockedout of us a bit.
Uh and and we at some point wewe stop.
And one of the things and thenlooking back now with some life
(57:58):
experience, uh, I mean, weraised five kids, but one of the
things I love is as agrandfather is watching our
grandkids and seeing life a bitthrough uh a different with
experience and different lensand realizing uh what we're
talking about.
I how when when they stand up towalk or when they want to start
(58:20):
learning to climb up a ladder ora slide, the the stairs to a to
a slide, there it's neverperfect.
There's bumps, there's bruises,there's times when they may they
miss a step or they fall, butthen they're right back up doing
it all over again.
unknown (58:40):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (58:41):
There's so much that we we as adults will sometimes
we could learn a great lessonfrom watching them, how they how
they learn about their life andand and and we all have
experience it.
And and and I guess the otherthing is I mean that that's a
huge leap to go from crawling towalking to running.
(59:03):
And we've all experienced it.
And and I think sometimes it'staking a moment to realize we've
all taken big quantum leaps inlife, and you can keep doing
that.
SPEAKER_03 (59:17):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (59:17):
I mean we're an adult.
SPEAKER_03 (59:19):
Right.
If only we can look at ourselveslike our child selves would have
looked at us, like go do it.
You can totally do that.
And or believe in ourselves likethe people around us believe in
us.
SPEAKER_00 (59:31):
Yeah, so so true.
And and and there's yeah,there's and that reality exists
and and and uh so often we'llwe'll we convince ourselves that
there is only one reality.
And there's a there's a totallyopposite and just I mean what we
were talking about earlier withour with our daughter.
I mean, you she could havetotally become convinced that
(59:53):
that was that was now reality oflife, and and there was a
completely different world forher.
That's uh she's realized and andshe's married and has a child
and doing amazing things.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:09):
I love that.
Um do you think, Dean, thatwe've missed any topics that we
wanted to cover?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:17):
No, this has been amazing for me.
I'm so grateful that you uhinvited me here to be on on the
show and be able to share someof my experience and to share
this experience.
So thank you very, very much.
SPEAKER_03 (01:00:30):
Well, thank you.
This has been a really greatconversation.
Um, before we go, do you haveany links or anything that you'd
like to share if people want toget in touch with you?
SPEAKER_00 (01:00:38):
Yeah, thank you so much.
Yes, my uh website is deantaylorofficial.com.
You can also find me at uhInstagram on Instagram at Dean
TaylorOfficial.
Uh on my website I have a few, acouple of free resources that
people could download.
I've I've shared some of my ownlife lessons and things that uh
I've experienced and alsoincluded in there if they want
(01:01:02):
to take a little deeper dive onif that triggers uh uh or helps
them see uh fill uh an own lifeexperience to go deeper on it.
They there's some journalprompts to to do that.
I also have a free guide aboutdiscovering purpose and vision
and in three simple steps howyou could you could make that
happen today.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:22):
Well, we have covered a lot of topics uh in
this conversation, but what doyou have any final words of
encouragement or wisdom that youwould like to leave listeners
with?
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:36):
I uh yes.
I uh say that it's never toolate to stop.
Start dreaming again, but alwaystoo early to stop.
SPEAKER_03 (01:01:46):
Oh, that's awesome.
I like that.
Well, Dean, thank you again somuch.
This was really an enjoyableconversation.
I loved everything we talkedabout.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01:56):
Well, thank you.
I appreciate it.
I have to.
I've I've enjoyed being a uhguest here and appreciate the
opportunity.
SPEAKER_03 (01:02:02):
Thank you.
Thank you again, Dean, forjoining me today, and thank you,
Warriors, for listening.
I've included the links Dean wasreferring to as well as his one
in three profile in the shownotes.
I will be back next week withanother episode for you.
Until then, stay strong.
And wherever you are in yourjourney, always remember you are
(01:02:24):
not alone.
SPEAKER_02 (01:02:28):
Find more information, register as a
guest, or leave a review bygoing to the website
onein3podcast.com.
That's the number one, in thenumber three podcast.com.
Follow one in three onInstagram, Facebook, and Twitter
at one in three podcast.
To help me out, please rememberto rate review and subscribe.
(01:02:49):
One in three is a.5 Pinoyproduction.
Music written and performed byTim Crow.
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