Baishakhi Connor – Workaholism is an addiction, don’t wear it as a badge of honour

                                       

Baishakhi Connor explains how " It all starts with belief", why you should "Chase your dreams, but don’t become captive to them" and that "Things happen, it isn’t the end of the world" along with more great lessons. Hosted by Jeffery Wang

About Baishakhi Connor

When Baishakhi was 8, she wanted to be the President of the United States. Growing up in a tiny Indian town on a healthy dose of fiction, anything seemed possible. At 12, she realised a one-way flight to US cost many years of their household income! Presidency dreams were replaced by a search for ways to explore the world from near-poverty-line status.

From her tiny town start in life, Baishakhi has gone on to carve a diverse career spanning four continents. Now in her 40s, she continues to stretch her boundaries in ways she could never have imagined at 8. She has a senior management role in one of Australia’s largest retailers. She joined her first Board role last year. She volunteers. She mentors. She writes. She speaks. She makes time to learn new things, currently flexing her muscles into Powerlifting.

Baishakhi lives in a tri-cultural tri-religious family with her Australian Catholic husband and Afghan Muslim foster daughter. As foster mum of 1, step mum of 4 and step grand mum of 4 (and a ½), her life is a busy blur of family, fun and food.

Episode Notes

Lesson 1: It all starts with belief 02:25 Lesson 2: Workaholism is an addiction, don’t wear it as a badge of honour 09:19 Lesson 3: Things happen, it isn’t the end of the world 19:26 Lesson 4: Learn the known way, they find your OWN way 24:22 Lesson 5: Chase your dreams, but don’t become captive to them 30:59 Lesson 6: Reframe your thinking, count your blessings 37:12 Lesson 7: Embrace the differences, learn from them 40:01 Lesson 8: Bias is all around us. Recognise it, challenge it, break it 47:36 Lesson 9: Let the iron teach you 55:22 Lesson 10: Give it time, let tears morph into memories 1:01:26

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
So instead of going to thesebusiness breakfasts or networking
events, let's say, which Ifound was very awkward for me.
I just figured out ways to do one-on-onecoffee catchups and I love conversation.
I'm curious about the person and I'vebuilt so many genuine friendships
and genuine relationships becauseof that, who I can now fall back on.

(00:25):
So I still have to network.
So I did learn known or the old way Butthen I found my own way, leaning into
my own cultural strength and my ownpersonal strength, my own way to do it.
All right.
Hello and welcome to the podcast.
10 lessons learned where we dispensewisdom, not just information, not mere

(00:46):
facts or not mere platitudes to aninternational audience of rising leaders.
In other words, in this podcast,you're here valuable insights that you
cannot learn from a textbook becauseit took us years to learn this stuff.
My name is Jeffrey Wang, the founderof professional development forum
and your host today, this podcastis sponsored by the Professional
Development Forum, which helps diverseyoung professionals of any age find

(01:09):
fulfillment in the modern workplace.
Today we're joined by BaishakhiConnor before Baishakhi was a
senior executive and board director.
She came from very humble beginningswhen Baishakhi was eight growing up in
a tiny Indian town on a healthy doseof fiction, anything seen possible
she aspired to be the President of theUnited States, but then she realized

(01:31):
that a one way flight to the US costsmany years of their household income.
So the presidency dreams were replacedby a search for ways to explore the
world from near poverty line status.
From a tiny town.
She has gone on to carve animpressive international career,
spanning four continents.
She's now in senior management forone of Australia's largest retailers.

(01:53):
And she joined her first board ofdirectors last year's she volunteers,
she mentors, she writes, she speaks.
She makes time to learn new things.
Currently flexing her muscles into powerlifting Baishakhi lives in a tri cultural
tri religious family with her AustralianCatholic husband and Afghan Muslim foster

(02:14):
daughter as a foster mom of one stepmom offour and step grandma of four and a half.
Her life is a blur offamily, fun and food.
What a life, Baishakhi, needlessto say that you're not someone that
fits anywhere neatly into a box
yes, that, that I don't.

(02:36):
Yeah, definitely.
We are very different from.
How I grew up and yes, thereforenot quite not quite any box, any
one box that can define me, I guess.
absolutely.
So, you know, I sense that you've gotan fascinating story, which I'm sure
will unpack through the 10 lessonsthat you've got to share with us.

(02:56):
So let's jump straight into it then.
Lesson number one, you saidthat it all starts with belief.
Yeah.
Like, you were saying in my introduction,I come from a very small town in India.
In fact, like even now on Googlemaps, you can't quite see the
exact name of where I come from.

(03:17):
The things we grew upwith were very basic.
So we didn't have phones or fridges orTVs or all the things that we kind of
take for granted, I guess, in our lives.
Now we didn't quite have, and we'dbe the ones that you might have
seen in movies run behind the cars,because it's just so rare and planes.

(03:37):
Definitely.
It's just some kind of storyyou like see in the sky, but
definitely never see anyone.
Like I did not know anyone who'd donethat and to think of it from there
are now I live and work in Australianow, but I've lived and worked
in multiple different countries.
And I have a pretty senior position.

(03:58):
I have a very comfortable life.
I can support my parents, but justthe difference when I go back there.
All of my childhoodfriends are still there.
There's no, not muchchange in their lives.
Yes.
Technology has improved to the extentthey have mobile phones, et cetera.
So there's a bit more in there, butthey haven't moved out of there.
They have never thought theycould have a different life.

(04:20):
And I think why I am the only kind ofdifferent person started with belief.
It was belief that gave me that.
First of all, like the beliefthat a different life is even
possible is what started it.
Cuz the others thought that is it.

(04:41):
You can't, if you're born here andif you're given this, there is a
certain amount you can get, butthat's it they kind of had a ceiling
in their own mind and belief is whathelped me break that ceiling kind of.
So it started from there.
And so get your belief from?
Yeah.
Yeah, that is an interesting questionbecause belief doesn't quite come on

(05:04):
it, so, and does it, you can't justsay, oh, I just, you know, I'm just
this different person that has a belief.
I think you have to be curiousand yes, once you're there then
luck kind of forms your way.
So for me, first of all, I had rolemodels and because of my curiosity,
I think throughout life, I alwayslook up to role models and take

(05:24):
bits and piece of their lives.
And for me, role models, aren'tcelebrities or someone this phenomenal
person somewhere in the world forme, it started with my mother.
So my mother, started working inher twenties in the 1960s, which was
fairly uncommon for people there.
So in India, a small town fora woman to work was uncommon.

(05:44):
She then continued to work after shegot married and she continued to work
after she had my sister and me as well,which even for Australia's uncommon,
let alone like in a tiny Indian town.
I think that was my first bitof learning that you can push
the boundaries of convention.
You can do something different.
And throughout life, I look up to thesevarious pieces of things that people are

(06:08):
doing around me to of get that belief.
And then my parents sent me to very kindof, for us, a very posh expensive school.
In fact, at one stage they werespending 60% of our household
income just on my educationbecause I wanted to do something.
So they sent me to this bigcity to a boarding school.

(06:29):
And it was hard being at a boardingschool with people, obviously from a
very different socioeconomic class.
But again, that gave me awindow into what life could be.
And I think that's like, you could goone of two ways and, many people will
go when you see someone with a lot ofprivilege, let's say compared to you,

(06:50):
you'd go kind of have a victim mentality.
I more had.
That's what gives me belief look at them.
It is possible to have a different life.
And then the last thing again,this curiosity and this sponge
mentality coming in is books.
So my mom introduced both my sisterand I to books and just that world.
And like you said, , I grew up ona very healthy dose of fiction.

(07:13):
But I love fiction because it can breakthe boundaries of what convention is.
If you just look at reality aroundyou kind of think that is it.
That is my box.
Whereas for me, the box is everevolving, ever changing, ever breaking.
Cause I'm just looking at differentpeople, different books, different things.
And with that going actually,there's this other thing beyond

(07:36):
what I now see that is possible.
That's what gives theseed of belief for me.
Absolutely.
I can definitely seehow important that is.
As the first step of, breaking out of,you know, I guess the life that you
thought you were destined for, you know,and a lot of us, don't ever question
or challenge, you know, you're a lot inlife, whereas I think, you know, your

(07:56):
mother, as an example showed you theway and instill that belief in yourself
that you could be anybody that you want.
I did have a curious thought though.
So, I, I hear about India having a castesystem, you know, so your future is sort
of determined on what you're born into.
Did that have a bearing on, your thoughtsor, you know, the way you were treated?

(08:19):
So, so on a cast basis, Iwas actually privileged.
So I had a lot of dis privilege onyou know, finance or where I was born,
et cetera, but on a caste basis, I.
Just by sheer luck was borninto a privileged class.
And in fact, for a long time, I didnot have enough awareness or maybe

(08:42):
acknowledgement of how difficult it canbe for some people just because of caste.
And it's only recently where I've talkedto so many other people, there are
definitely parts of India, possibly inother countries as well, but definitely
parts of India where just because ofcaste, you're not even allowed to go to

(09:04):
certain schools just because of caste.
You're not even allowed to step intocertain places because of caste.
So I, I have friends who havestill broken out of there and that
is like belief and determinationof an absolutely different kind.
So again possible is definitely possiblethat if they have the belief they can work

(09:27):
and be determined and break out of it.
But the barriers put intheir way is mind boggling.
It is true.
It is real.
It is mind boggling.
But it is still possible.
It is still possible with belief.
And then other things fall inyour way to break out of there.
Yeah.
Which goes back to your lesson.

(09:47):
It all starts with belief.
Yeah.
So let's move on to lesson number two.
Now I'm sensing a great story behind this.
So you, you say that workaholism isan addiction, not a badge of honor.
yeah this was quite a turnaround for me,actually, as you can hear from my story,
it took a lot of hard work for me tokind of move up from where I come from.

(10:10):
And I associated therefore a lotof value to hard work and took
that as what should be done.
And it is a badge of honor.
And hard work gave me thesuccess I wanted as well.
So whether it was through school andbeing at the top of the class and
then working really hard at work,working in different countries, et
cetera, but it was even at work.

(10:32):
It was a badge of honorfor me to say, I am busy.
I am working hard.
I am working long hours.
So investment banking, when I didinvestment banking in Hong Kong,
I would work 120 hours a week.
I would get into work at 8:00 AM andleave at 4:00 AM, but I thought so.
I thought that's a badge of honor.
And it took me 16 yearsbefore that turned around.

(10:57):
And anytime during that 16 years, if youasked me, I would say like, that's great.
I am working hard.
I am successful.
And that's like honorable thing for.
And that's it.
And it took me so long togo and get into my own mind.
Okay.
That is actually not a badge of honor.

(11:17):
It is an addiction.
It is an addiction thatI need to get out of.
And it took me unfortunatelylike a tragedy in my own
life to break out of that.
Yeah.
So, so what happened?
What made you triggerthe change of mindset?
Yeah, it took a fair few things.
So first of all, in, in 2017, Ilost my dad and I was in Australia.

(11:41):
He was back in India.
So unfortunately I wasn'tthere when he passed away.
But I ran over therelike any daughter would.
And I hadn't changed.
I still had my laptop withme and my work with me.
And in between doing the things.
There's a lot of rituals inIndia that you have to do when

(12:02):
your, family member passes away.
But in between doingthings, I was still working.
It was still in my mind, itwas still my badge of honour.
So no matter what hardship in life comesin, it was still my badge of honor.
And I remember at his wake, when peopleare literally in the house, there's like
maybe a hundred people through the house.
There's a priest,there's things happening.

(12:22):
And someone's texting me or callingme from Australia about work.
I don't even remember what work thatwas, which shows you how unimportant
it actually is, but I was typing awayand doing something in between there.
And if people questioned it and Idon't even think people questioned
it that much, because it's a cultureof a hard work is just celebrated.

(12:43):
And I just kept going.
What changed actuallywas when I came back.
So I spent two weeks there doingall the rituals and whatever.
When I came back A), I had just gonethrough a trauma and I had got like
dad's news on my phone as a text.
And I had this almost panicwhen I heard the phone.

(13:06):
Like, I would think something'shappened to mom, because she
was the only parent left now.
So I kind of went through a mental traumaand that obviously caused me to just
have to pull back on work a little bit,because work texts were making me panic.
Thinking it's mom or something's happened.
But all of that combined, and it soundshard, but it's a blessing in disguise.

(13:30):
It kind of was leading to analmost burnout where I decided.
I just need time off.
I need to spend time with mom.
I don't know how long she would be around.
Thankfully.
She's good.
She's still around.
She's really good.
But at that time in the month or twofollowing dad's death, I thought,
oh, I just need time with mom.
And because of that, so it was kindof unrelated to work, but because

(13:54):
of that, I actually just quitwork without anything else to do.
So I did not have another job lined up.
And I talked to my workwhere I was doing quite well.
And I said, I'm sorry, Ijust need the time off.
And I don't even want a sabbatical becauseknowing me I'd know that I'd still try and
do some hard work through the sabbatical.

(14:14):
So I literally quit work.
And then in the months followingthat was the first ever time
in my life that I had nothing.
I had no structure.
I had no school.
I had no studies.
I had no work.
I had no emails.
I had nothing.
And it was that emptyness.
Which then gave me the realizationthat what I had was an addiction.

(14:38):
It's not a badge of honor.
So unfortunately it wasn'teven quite dad's death.
It was things that followed andthe sheer emptiness that came after
that brought me to that realization.
I think many other people saythey, they come to it through
meditation, which is similar.
You kind of empty your mind of everything.

(14:59):
And I had never done that.
So I came to it almost forced bylife circumstances, but it was that
pushing away, all the chaos, pushingaway, all the other things in life,
giving myself the space to thinkbrought me that clarity eventually.
So if I could just poke a little bitfurther on that addiction element, right?

(15:19):
It's almost like you'reusing work as validation.
Or using work as adistraction to the emptiness?
Yes.
Was there an underlying reason thatyou've discovered that fuel, that,
you know, that addiction, you know,was there a chip on the shoulder?
Was there something that you had to proveor is just a cultural programming, I

(15:40):
suppose, you know, when you're growing upwhat made you feel like you need to work
hard in order to be, I suppose, worth it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's interesting.
I think there's many factors,I think, yes, there is cultural
programming to just hard work.
There's cultural programming to, youknow, you must do, as your boss says,

(16:03):
and you know, you must value thefact that you even have work because
culturally many of my family, youknow, would be insecure in their job.
So they would just do, but definitelymany other things like it would be,
would've been just in me that I feltI associate an identity with my works.
If you ask me who I am, instead of tellingyou everything else in my life, that

(16:25):
I tell you now, I'd say, oh, I am thesenior manager in this great company.
That's what I associate my identity with.
And that's actually one of the things.
And I also, now I have almost alist of things that I do, so I
don't fall back into addiction.
And I think it's true for any addiction.
Anyone who has been an addict to anythingwill know you are prone to that, always

(16:50):
it kind of, there's an underlying pattern.
And I kind of do a few things nowmyself to make sure I don't fall
back into that level ever again.
So first the first thing is my lesson,like to acknowledge that it is a
problem, it's not a badge of honor.
And then I use.
Language and sentences quite deliberately.

(17:10):
I'll say like, if I say Iwanna work till 5:00 PM.
If I leave at five 30 orsix, I call it a late night.
Whereas in my workaholic days,I would say, oh, 6:00 PM.
It's like a day off almostbecause you used to work so late.
So it's not that I'm, Iwould never have a 9:00 PM.
It is rare, but I'd have itbecause there's some deadline

(17:30):
or something coming up.
But I would, in my mind callit's a very late night, which
means you don't do it every day.
And I make sure that the company I workin or the boss I work with does not
encourage my addiction and that culturalthing of, you know, I don't want a culture
where just being seen to work, doingthe hours is considered the good thing.

(17:55):
I think that definitely was.
Both because of my Indian culture andbecause of the culture of the types
of work I did like investment banking.
It's considered that long hours is good.
So I'm careful of doing that now.
I definitely, I am doing moreto have identities beyond work
and that is really important.

(18:16):
But I try to do manythings outside of work now.
So I can say I am a writer.
I am a volunteer, I'm thisnot for profit board member.
I am a power lifter.
And I must say that the profilethat you shared with me, the, it was
one of the more interesting biosI've read , you know, because it

(18:38):
referred to your power, lifting it,refer to the volunteering, refer to a.
Busy blur or family fun and food.
And I think that is a much moreexciting and authentic way for your
identity than potentially, you know,the role that you play at work.
So that definitely is something thata piece of wisdom that I believe

(18:59):
a lot of people, should adopt and,you know, ideally earlier in life
so that you don't miss out on life.
Yeah.
Thanks for that lesson.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
That's my hope that people listento this and try to do that from
very early in their careers.
And, you know, just believe me, thereare so many places where you will still
thrive in your career and actually youwill actually thrive in your career

(19:21):
and not despite it's actually becauseof your breadth of experience and the
the mental health and the stability youhave because of doing all this, you will
actually thrive in your career better.
Actually, I would've done muchbetter if I'd done so much earlier
in my career and I had the.
The social skills to come intoa very different country, right?

(19:42):
So I come from India andnow work in western worlds.
If I'd done all of this much earlier inmy career, arguably I'd have more social
skills that I would bring into work
indeed.
And you'll be a much morewell-rounded individual.
Yeah.
Yes.
Let's move on to lesson number three.
This is definitely not a lessonthat sounds like it would
come from a an Asian person.

(20:05):
you say shit happens, but it's,isn't the end of the world.
I like to know the story about this one.
definitely, I think Asian engineerwe are like such an honorbound
culture when shit happens.
It is the end of the world for definitelymy family would feel that way, but

(20:25):
this comes from the time and thisis definitely from the time where my
identity was absolutely tied in with work.
And it was the day aftermy honeymoon actually.
So the day after my honeymoon, I walkedinto work and I was laid off and it
was like, the world had ended for meright then, because like I said before,
my identity was with work and I wasin investment banking at the time.

(20:49):
And it wasn't even out of the blue.
It wasn't like, like it was 2008 December.
And if anyone remembers there was apeak of the financial crisis, I was in
London, I saw Lehman Brothers fall down.
I knew people in my owncompany were being laid off.
In fact, someone called me, evenduring my honeymoon, my best friend
called me to say, oh, everyone elsein your team has been laid off.

(21:09):
Even then, I was almost arrogantenough to think every single other
person in the team's been laid off,but I'll somehow be this, you know, I'm
this great person or I'm good enough.
Why would they lay me off?
But anyway I was laid off.
And it wasn't an easyride right after as well.
So it was my honeymoon, so I justmarried an Australian and I moved

(21:34):
to Australia and it took me anotherfull year to find my first job.
So that whole year wasn't great.
So it didn't quite come tome in the minute that that
is not the end of the world.
I definitely felt like, oh my God, it isabsolutely what have I got myself into?
And how could this happen to me?

(21:55):
I am, I've done all this hard work.
So I definitely felt likethat's it, that's the end.
But now in hindsight, and with clarity, Ican look back and see the good out of it.
And that's what brought me to this lesson.
And I now say this to so many otherpeople who go through these tough
periods in their life, that you canlike, even though it is definitely

(22:18):
not going to be easy in the moment.
And it may not even be easy rightafter for some time life kind
of has a way of healing itself.
So for me, that's what gave me theopportunity to move to Australia quicker.
I was working in Hong Kong, I'd marriedan Australia and that's what gave

(22:39):
me the opportunity to move quicker.
I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
That gave me a little bit of financialbenefit from a redundancy, et cetera.
So it did back me up, and it gave meagain an opportunity to move out of.
So while I still remained aworkaholic for a while, but at least
I moved out of investment banking.
So I just gotten married.

(23:00):
I was doing 120 hour weeks.
I dunno how my marriage would'vebeen if I did continue that
and in a different country.
But it did give me a greatstart to my married life.
And then.
After a year.
And once I got my first job inAustralia, and then afterwards,
I went from strength to strength.

(23:21):
And now what is it?
14 years later, it issuch a distant memory.
It is just a story in my life.
It's this thing I tell people of whenI was in London and Lehman Brothers
collapsed, I saw these people walking.
Like, it's just a storyto tell it's nothing else.
So I think, that there's these kind ofexternal things that happen in life, where

(23:46):
we attach so much meaning to whether welose an important gain, don't get a deal,
get laid off, don't get the job you want.
You know, these are, these seemhurtful and these seem kind of things.
That puts you down in themoment and it seems like, oh my
God, that is such a shit moment.

(24:08):
That is it.
My world's falling down.
But promise you, it isnot the end of the world.
Life will heal itself and you willfind better and better things in life.
And every single person, youknow, will have a blip in their
life one way or the other.
Exactly.
And we spoke about it before as well.
You know, it's about howyour work was your identity.
And I think it gave you a chance to,broaden, who you were as a person.

(24:32):
So that's definitely avery good, valuable lesson.
You know, I think another guest previouslysaid that you will survive and I
think it there's some truth to that.
And not only yet, you all surviveyou will, you know, get back up
again and you will be able to findmeaning again, and you will thrive.
So that's a very positive lesson.
We like to leave with our listeners.

(24:53):
Lesson number four, learn theold way, then find your own way.
yes, this is probably coming fromsomeone who can't fit into a box.
when I first came to Melbourne, which isafter just when I got laid off, right?
So it wasn't even thebest mental kind of space.
But when I just came to Melbourne, I didnot have any professional network here.

(25:19):
I came here because I'd fallenin love with an Australian.
He and his family were the only peopleI knew and none of them were remotely
related to the work I was doing.
Which was investment banking at the time.
And eventually I went into consulting,but that's not what they would do.
So I had zero network and Iapplied online like people do.

(25:42):
I had very little kind ofeven callbacks from it.
And then I reached out to myalumni network, which is an
alumni from, India, by the way.
But just in the hope that someonefrom there would be in Australia.
And definitely the one or two peopleI met said, oh, you have to network.
And I was quite flummoxed . Sojust to give you some context.

(26:05):
As an Indian who's goneinto good Indian colleges.
You never have to look for work.
So I don't know if people know thisIndia has this concept called placements,
which is if you are in a, in one ofthe elite kind of institutions in
India, there's a week or two or amonth where companies come there to

(26:26):
recruit you because for a company it'slike a captive talent pool, right.
And they've proven themselves throughgreat entrance exams or whatever.
So all I had to do my entire life wasget through these entrance exams, do
well in school, the university I wasat and that's it companies come there.
So I.
In the first day of the placements,whether it was my in undergrad

(26:48):
or postgrad, I just got jobs.
I had never looked for a job.
Then people tell me,oh, you have to network.
And I found that concept just soforeign to me and it was foreign.
So there's these business breakfast,and then people are milling around
and then they're doing small talk.
I don't understand half of the cultural,like if they talk about a TV show that I

(27:09):
haven't grown up with, I've got no clue.
Or they talk about like, some placein Melbourne, you know, have you run
around the 10, which is this place inMelbourne that everyone runs because
just it's a nice running track.
I didn't know that.
So I couldn't get thesecultural references.
I was awkward.
I couldn't talk to these 20people that I didn't know.

(27:32):
I, I found it so foreign and that'sprobably why, or that's at least
one of the reasons why it tookme a year to find my first job.
and actually it took me longer, but I didget to my way of networking, like the idea
is you just have to know people, right?
And coming from India, I'll tellyou, we are curious about people.

(27:55):
We are just, so we are ineach other's business and each
other's lives like nothing else.
And all these old neighborhoodaunties, et cetera, they know
everything that goes on in your life.
So I found my own way.
So instead of going to thesebusiness breakfasts or networking
events, let's say, which Ifound was very awkward for me.

(28:16):
I just figured out ways to do one-on-onecoffee catchups and I love conversation.
I'm curious about the person and I'vebuilt so many genuine friendships
and genuine relationships becauseof that, who I can now fall back on.
So I no longer go to these big kind oflike people tell me, oh, what about this

(28:40):
event that let's say Salesforce is doing?
Or this event that some otherconsulting company is doing.
And a thousand people will comethere and you'll meet so many people.
I'm like, it's a waste of time, mepersonally, because I am not that kind.
I'd rather fine to my one ortwo or three or four people.
And build those fourgenuine relationships.

(29:03):
Than hand my card out at a placewith a 50 or a hundred or thousand
people, cuz that's not my way.
So I still have to network.
So I did learn the known or the old wayBut then I found my own way, leaning
into my own cultural strength and my ownpersonal strength, my own way to do it.
And I do it in everything.

(29:24):
I kind of go what is expected,but what is my way of doing it?
So I am comfortable doing it.
I love that.
and you've touched at avery good point, right?
Networking is a very, Western conceptcompared to a lot of people who
might have not grown up with it.
But I guess it, it is alsomisunderstood as well.
I think networking as you pointed out, thekey here is to create, or build genuine

(29:49):
friendships, genuine relationships,the deep, sort of connections that
you have with people in order tohave you know, the, these meaningful
support networks, throughout your life.
And I think the way you'vedone it is brilliant.
And what I've found and relating tothat, you know, I have a similar method.
I remember I struggled with a lotof the networking aspect of my job,

(30:14):
you know, being in sales becauseI don't enjoy drinking and I just
can't take as much alcohol as all
my colleagues.
That's another thing I don't drink.
So, it's not quite an Indianthing, but it's definitely my
subculture that we don't drink.
And again, that was definitelydifficult in the starting years
where everyone just goes, oh,just have one, or just have this.

(30:34):
And it's.
It's kind of hard and it's in a loud pubwhere you can't even hear each other.
Yeah.
I found that difficult too.
Well, exactly.
So, what I did was, well, youknow, you have to find other ways.
One way I found was that, youknow, through food, like, you
know, everyone loves food.
We have this, I idea of a YumCha club, which you, which is
getting people to now that's.
The beauty about Yum Cha is, well,first of all, everyone love Yum Cha.

(30:58):
Secondly, you can't have Yum Chain a small group, you kind of
have to have a big enough for itto be a really decent Yum Cha.
So, it was a really cool way,really friendly way of just
getting to know all these people.
And, you know, that's how I learned a lotof the tricks of the trade in my industry.
So, yeah, love that idea, you know, learnthe old way and then find your own way.

(31:19):
And I think, you know, given our culturalcontext, that's incredibly important that
we have to find something that works forus, but also at the same time that we
can stay authentic to, you know, so thatwe can build these genuine friendships.
So lesson number five, chase yourdreams, but don't become captive to them.
What do you mean by that?
that actually took me a hardknocking life to get through.

(31:39):
So I've always chased dreams, right?
Like I said, it's, for me itstarted with belief and I've
chased that belief with hard work.
Like I was, I had thesteely determination.
Worked hard got there.
And that's how my life was.
You believe in something, youhave that dream, chase it down
with hard work and you get it.

(31:59):
And that was my, almost my formulain life until it didn't work.
So I did that for a good 30 years.
It worked perfectly whateverI decided, whether it was, you
know, what school would I go to?
What postgrad or whatevercountry it worked.
And then in my thirties for something,seemingly quite normal to have a

(32:20):
child actually just didn't work.
And initially for me, I tried, my oldformula see was a matter of working hard.
So it was a matter of researching what'sneeded and going through the grill of it.
Whether it's rounds and rounds ofIVF, I probably did 10 rounds of IV.

(32:41):
I went at it for 10 years and I did.
So many rounds of IVF and everything else,whether it's acupuncture or, Chinese
medicine or meditation, different kindsof food, you should eat, shouldn't eat.
Different kinds of containers you shoulduse or not use because apparently plastic.
Anyway, I did so much research and so muchhard work and I wented it for 10 years.

(33:05):
And my husband and I we actually landedin couples therapy in the middle of
it because it was just that hard.
It was straining our own relationship.
But it just did work.
But through those 10 years inmy head, it was still my dream.
And hence, that's what I needed to do.
Like that's how my brain worked.

(33:25):
Like I, my dream is to become amother and all I need to do is keep
working at it and I can't quit.
That was what it was.
and it took us like having landedin couples therapy and watching
my husband almost be in tears andsaying, you know, he was fearing.

(33:45):
He would lose me aswell as not have a baby.
And yeah.
That it was kind of heartbreakingto go through those things.
And it took me the full decade andmaybe a hundred thousand dollars later
where probably kind of pushed a bitby my husband at the start to say,
okay, like at least give myself adeadline to say, yeah, that is the end.

(34:11):
Like we had just one other embryoleft or something and no, we
wouldn't do more after that.
So at least I gave myself a deadline.
As it would happen.
I did actually fall pregnant in, in thatsecond, last bit I did fall pregnant
and then lost it again at 10 weeks.
So it was oh, really eight years in.
So it was a terrible,terrifying time in my life.

(34:35):
But once, once we kind of got tothat deadline and still didn't do,
it was probably the first time Iactually quit something like that.
Wasn't in my genes at all.
It was like, you just work hardand you don't quit was my mantra.
And I quit something.
But again after you let go of thatis when things start to happen.

(35:01):
So we just happened to kind of seesomething probably on TV or someone
told us, and we went into thisinformation session for foster care.
That was never in our plan.
Like we never thought we toyed withthe idea of adoption, but it is hard.
And my husband's heart wasn't quite in it.
And he, we do have his biologicalchildren as well in the mix.

(35:23):
And we didn't wanna do that, butfoster care was never, even in our
vocabulary, we didn't think of it, butwe went to this information session.
We both kind of liked the idea.
There's a lot of process to it as well.
But, once we did that, we've beenfoster carers for maybe five years
now, but the girl we have now,she's been with us for three years.

(35:45):
She's an almost 16 yearold and it has changed.
That's where it kind, the lesson kind ofcame from that I was single minded and
completely captive and blinkered in my wayof thinking captive to my dreams and going
this is the one way to lead life.
And that is it.

(36:05):
Whereby now I'm like, yes, definitely weshould work hard believe and chase our
dreams, but there is more than one way.
There's always more than one way.
And, quitting something for the rightreason is actually a good thing.
And killing yourself over somethingthat is just your dream, but not

(36:29):
reality is a mindset given tous for just such wrong reasons.
Like, I will be happy when I do this.
I will be happy when I get that.
It's such a futile andjoyless way of living life.
Absolutely.

(36:49):
Now I was expecting you to give upon when you talked about chasing
dreams, I was thinking somethingalong the lines of career, but this
definitely was something a lot more,a lot more emotional and powerful.
So that's certainly a lesson thatI'm sure a lot of our listeners

(37:10):
would appreciate you sharing.
Now let's take a quick break as wethank our affiliate partner, Audible.
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(37:32):
the go once again, that's audibletrial.com/one zero lessons learned
all lowercase for a 30 day free trial.
The link will be in the show notes below.
We're talking to senior executive andboard director be Baishakhi Connor today.
Lesson number six, reframe yourthinking and count your blessings.

(37:54):
Yes, again, this is kind of like carryingon from the same time of my life, but
now I, apply it to so many other parts.
Towards the start of mytenure in fertility journey.
If someone stopped me andpeople do this all the time.
Right.
Or have you got kids?
How many kids do you have?
And my answer was no, not yet.

(38:14):
sometimes I'd go on to explain thatmy husband has kids, but mostly it
was like a, no, I don't have kidsand looking back and we do this in
so many other parts of my life, inour lives that, when we are answering
questions, we are obviously going,like, that's our way of thinking, right?
So our way of thinking is oftenrelated to what do I want,

(38:35):
what do I still not have etc.
Whereas, if you now ask me andnot much has changed since then,
because like I said, unfortunately,by the end of the 10 years, I was
unable to have a biological child.
So in reality, not too much changed, butif you ask me now, Hey, do you have kids?

(38:58):
And this kind of happened by accidentfor a start showing that my way
of thinking genuinely had changed.
But when faced with the samequestion without missing a beat.
I go, yep.
I've got four step kids andone foster kids still at home
and I've got four grandkids andthen we go into a conversation.
Oh my God, you don'tlook like a grandmother.

(39:20):
And , you know, that just givesmore kind conversational elements
rather than when I would answer.
No, not yet.
I was definitely thinking of.
Oh, my God, I'm going through this IVF.
And when is this happening next?
That's what would go into my mind.
Whereas now that I've genuinely reframedmy thinking, I can see how much I actually

(39:43):
have in life rather than focus on thatone former dream that wasn't achieved.
And now you can apply it inmany other parts of life, right?
So, do you have this job?
And it's like, instead of saying,no, I don't have that dream job.

(40:03):
Why not just reframe to what you do haveor what I, the volunteering that I do,
the writing that I do and everything else.
So there's less of comparison in my life.
Now there's less of that.
I will be happy whenI get this in my life.
Now, as a result of that,

(40:24):
I love the point that you justmade because it sounds to me like,
you know, yes, you reframed yourthinking but ultimately I think it's
more about discovering what trulymatters to you in the first place.
You know, where this idea of havingchildren, wasn't always necessarily
a biological thing, you know, foryou was around having this meaningful

(40:44):
relationship, this legacy, and, youknow, it sounds like you found a profound
sense of happiness because you alreadyhave these relationships, you know, you
have kids because you, because for all Iintents and purposes, they are your kids.
Yeah.
They are my kids.
Yeah, absolutely.
They are.
And I think many other people will dothis now through gratitude journals, and

(41:06):
they're kind of the same concept, right?
So if at the end of the day, and youmight have had a really horrible day.
But you're forced to think ofwhat is the one thing or the three
things that made you happy today?
Your brain does come up with thingsit might be, or that coffee I had was
lovely or bumped into this person.

(41:26):
I had not seen for a long time.
and eventually once you do this for along time, your actions will change.
Like I found, and I did gratitudejournaling for a good two years.
And I found that eventually I would dothings like, for example, because bumping
into an old friend made me happy one day.

(41:46):
That weekend, I called someone in London.
I hadn't talked to for years andmy actions changed because of
the way my thinking was changing.
So definitely something like this, whetheryou kind of do it yourself or use tools
like the journals, and there's so manysuperb journals out there that gives
you prompters for thinking every day.

(42:08):
And you can find them on the internetas well, or you can do it yourself.
And I journal quite a lot myself, buttry and focus on what is the little
things that made you happy and they addup and they change your life and they
change your own action for the better.
Absolutely.
And this is not the first timewe've heard this lesson at 10

(42:28):
lessons learned gratitude is thekey to happiness, by all counts.
So thanks for sharing that lesson numberseven, and I'm sure I'll get a good story
outta here because, this is somethingthat I'm personally very passionate
about in the field of diversity.
lesson number seven is embracedifferences and learn from them.
if you think back to where I come from,so in India, and I think a number of

(42:52):
people know this, there's a number ofdifferent languages, like too many.
I think there's thousands of languages,but even when you take the main kind of.
Language families.
There's I think 30 plusofficial languages in India.
There's many religions, there's kindof many cultures and food, et cetera.
And we grew up with that.

(43:13):
So we had holidays for Christmas, forDivali, for Eid and for everything.
We just knew that.
And I didn't think that much ofit back then, in Australia though.
And you said it in my introduction, I amfrom a tri cultural tri religious family.
So I'm Indian Hindu.

(43:33):
My husband's Australianof Maltese background.
He's Roman Catholic.
And my daughter, my foster daughteris of Afghan background and Muslim.
So we're completely differentbackgrounds, completely different
cultures, completely different religions.
And we are getting betterand better at diversity.

(43:55):
It is strange that it isactually a multicultural nation.
But there's some way to go for diversity.
So in the sense, my daughter goesto a Catholic school and she is
the only Muslim in her school.
So she's, probably theonly Afghan as well.
So there's few other non-white kids,but no one else of her culture.

(44:17):
And she's obviously the onlyMuslim in our house as well.
So I once thought, oh, that's afun fact and I'll write about it.
And I wrote about it onLinkedIn and someone.
I still remember this commentbecause I found it so strange.
Like they said, ah, how do you havea peaceful dinner at home when one of
you thinks, Jesus is the son of God.
One of you thinks Jesus is a prophet.

(44:39):
And one of you doesn't believe in Jesus.
And I know I answered kind of half injest and there was this whole comment
thread that came of it and I'm like,ah, I didn't even think it matters.
I thought it more matters whether myhusband's done the dishes that day or
not like that's magical in my life.
Like who cares what he thinks aboutJesus or whether I don't, I kind of

(44:59):
feel like I have such a fun familybecause I can go and have Maltese
food with my husband's family.
Many of them have married Italians orMacedonians, and I can have that food.
For Eid we kind of make thingswith my daughter and she
is a fabulous cook herself.
She's only 15, almost 16 now, butshe's a fabulous cook herself.

(45:20):
And we have all this Afghanfood for our Bengali festivals.
I come from Bengal and Indiaand we have all of that.
I find like, just so much sheer joy outof all of this, like, oh, I have multiple
festivals and I have multiple food.
I kind of find.
Joy in diversity, but I alsofind definitely at home also

(45:41):
at work diversity really bringsdiverse thinking into our lives.
Right?
So like my husband, for example,he's grown up in Australia,
he hasn't lived anywhere else.
He speaks one language.
His life.
And his thinking has definitely changeda lot since he met me and mine as
well since I met him because we are sodifferent, we point out things in each

(46:05):
other's lives that we would just glossover because that's just so normal.
Whereas when they, when someoneelse points it out, you realize,
oh actually, no, I am unique.
I didn't realize that.
and then with the additionalof our daughter, it's even
better the same at work.
Right.
And I find, instead of finding.
Differences jarring, likeinstead of thinking, oh my

(46:26):
God, I don't believe in Jesus.
And he thinks it'ssomeone Jesus' son of God.
It's just more fun to kind of read theBible, read the Quran, find the food,
find the festivals, and actually find howdifferent our thinking are and perhaps how
silly some of our beliefs are or how coolsome, something in someone else's belief

(46:51):
is, and therefore become a better personmyself, because I can let go of some of
the deep rooted traditions or beliefsthat are subconsciously had that perhaps
weren't the best I can proactively takeon something better from someone else's
culture become better person for it.
Definitely have better work outputat work because there's multiple

(47:13):
different people thinking that.
So I am so much for.
Embracing diversity and really lettingpeople be, but learning from all of that.
Agreed.
And I think there is a fine linebetween, being open minded as what
you described to some of the morecynical diversity practices today,

(47:37):
where literally we're intoleranttowards people with different views.
Yes.
And I think important that we seek tounderstand before being understood and
that, we embrace difference and you know,it is will, it will be uncomfortable.
Because it is uncomfortable to haveyour assumptions and beliefs challenged,
but at the same time, it takes a veryopen minded individual to understand

(48:01):
that you'd be richer for having yeah.
These different diverse perspectives.
So thanks for sharing that.
Yeah.
Lesson's number eight.
Bias is all around us.
Recognize it, challenge it, break it.
This is like took me almost my entirelife till now to get get to this.
But because in my life I've kindof moved further and further

(48:23):
away from where I was born into.
I think I see this more and more like, I'mmore like it's just more visible to me.
So I was obviously born as a girlchild in a very small town in India.
It was, there was this whole senseof when I was a second child.
So my sister was already born by then.

(48:44):
And everyone was so sorry for my parents.
People actually told me like theydon't even pull back or anything.
They actually told me, ohmy God, like your parents so
sad, they don't have a son.
So it started then.
But whether it was when they sent meto the best schools and my sister,
and they said, oh my God, youspending so much on your daughters.
When I went away to work.

(49:05):
And then I went to anothercountry for work, they thought, oh
that's like the end of the world.
They're like sending theirsingle daughter away.
And that's the end of the world up untillike, even to now, right in Australia.
I'm a, I'm from a different culture.
I look different.
My name's a bitunpronounceable to some people.
definitely like, like I said, ittook me a year to find a job here.

(49:26):
And one of the reasons waspeople blatantly said, but you
don't have local experience.
I changed my surname to myhusband's surname, which is
Connor from my very Indian one.
And the number of things.
Number of callbacks, Ihad immediately increased.
So there's been a lots and lots ofdifferent kinds of bias in my life.

(49:47):
And one way people deal with it is tosay, I am the victim and therefore cry
about all the dis privileges you have.
And you go, you know, I'm a brownwoman in a white country, or, you know,
I'm speaking in a foreign language.
I actually think in my own language,even though I'm thinking in my own

(50:09):
language and translating to Englishall the time, and I could say this,
these are all the underprivilegedthings I have and kinda worry about
it or more about it, but there's noprivilege that is absolute, right.
So I, I am biased against, but alsoI am privileged in many other ways.
So I am a woman.

(50:30):
, but I'm also a straight cisgenderedwoman and have had no other issues or no
other dis privileges in the gender area.
I was the poor kind of poor countrybumpkin at my posh boarding school,
but I did go to a posh boardingschool, which is a privilege in itself.

(50:51):
And I am whatever, culturally andlinguistically diverse in Australia.
But like I said before I was borninto a privileged caste in India.
So there is always someprivilege in your own life.
And again, when I have talked aboutthis before somewhere, I think I've
written about it and people say,oh, so you're calling me privileged.

(51:14):
You know, how hard I hadto work for everything.
And that's got nothing to do with it.
It's just the acknowledgementthat everyone has had.
Some privilege in their life.
And everyone has had some dis privilegein their life and we are all the way
our brain works is to stereotype people.

(51:36):
That's just how it works.
So if you see a little child on theroad on their own, your brain works
to say that is not a safe situation.
Let me check on what's happening.
Yep.
And sometimes those stereotypesare just based on these collective
privilege or dis privilege.

(51:56):
So when you see a person of acertain status, et cetera, you
do all this respect things.
And when you see a person who's verydifferent to you, your brain just
collectively just disregards that.
And that happens all the time.
And it is importantthat we acknowledge it.
It is important that we acknowledge thatA we are all privileged in some sense.

(52:17):
And B we definitely are biasedabout some else in some way.
Sometimes we are all it justdoes not happen that we are all
we, none of us are unbiased.
So Two things I'm hearingfrom this lesson, right?
One, one is that you need to increasethe awareness of these biases, cuz

(52:39):
everything is inherently and exists.
But the second thing and probablymore, the more important thing I'm
hearing is that, we should not adoptthem victim mentality just because
there are certain diss in my life,you know, and being aware of certain
privileges in your life is also just asimportant as you are alluding to before.

(52:59):
Gratitude, you know, isfocus about focusing on those
things, what will lead to that?
And in fact, it's a very empoweringthing, to acknowledge that you do
have certain privileges now I'm likeyou, you know, being linguistically
diverse, being from a minority ethnicbackground, but I'm also from a privileged
upbringing, you know, from a family thathas the financial capacity to choose

(53:25):
the country that we want to live in.
And, you know, I've had a worldclass education, and because of
that, I've got the opportunitiesafforded to me that, you know,
otherwise I would not be able to have.
And that is so important, but , and thisis what I'm seeing in the world today.
There is a whole lot of people outthere preaching this victim mentality.

(53:47):
How do you overcome that?
I think in two ways, the first one,like you said, and connected to
my earlier one as well is becomeaware of your own privilege.
And there is something like, believeme, there is something or the
other and focus on that instead.
So yes, life may be hard because of A, Band C, but life is easier because of this.

(54:11):
So yes, life is hard because I am ofa diverse culture versus most of this
country, but life is good becauseI've had a great education and I am
smart and I am just neurotypical.
There's so many thingsthat I'm privileged about.
So then my mindset shifts more tothink of the good things I have.

(54:35):
And then definitely this is on allof us when we have a privilege.
Or especially when we have fought againstdis privilege to come out the other
way, a little bit , it is our duty tonow help break the bias against that.
So if I have come from where I'vecome from, whether it's the financial

(55:00):
background or the place or the culturethat I've come from, I now consider
it my duty to mentor other Indiansand other non Australians that are
new to Australia who would strugglewith that local experience piece.
It is now my duty to bring up awareness inmy own organization that this talent pool

(55:21):
is out there and we must bring them in,it's my duty to kind of raise awareness
through writing and other things togive people that, like I said, it starts
with belief, give people that belief.
It is possible.
I think it's our duty.
To break that bias when we are in aposition to do so, both there's an
individual element to it, but there'sdefinitely a being kind of duty

(55:43):
towards society element to it as well.
And that is exactly the reasonwhy we're having this conversation
today and sharing this wisdom.
So thank you very much.
So lesson number nine, and this soundslike you are a very strict parent and
disciplining your kids, you know,but maybe I've picked this wrong,
but lesson number nine, you say, letthe iron teach you .Now as a child,

(56:07):
I was smacked with a bamboo stick.
But iron's a bit much, isn't it?
oh my God.
It does sound like the strictAsian and Indian parents.
I had the cane a lot of times too,but this is iron of a different kind.
So I think again, like you said, in myintroduction I'm I have, just started

(56:29):
taking baby steps or maybe flexing mymuscles into the world of power lifting.
So I am talking of the iron bar ofpower lifting, but ah definitely
not iron for the kids at all.
I think both our cultures are movingaway from the canes and bamboos as well.
So , let's not take up iron for thekids, but you know, I, I've always been,

(56:54):
attracted to fascinated by the ideaof doing something, new all the time.
But once I came to Australia whereit's quite different from India, so in
India, everything was about just, studythan work, and eat a lot, enjoy life.
Otherwise here, a lotof people are quite fit.
Like it was quite new to me as anIndian to come here to see the number

(57:17):
of people that cycle at even ages wherein India, it would be considered like
there are 60 year olds and 70 yearolds that bike around quite a lot.
There's people who run, swim, et cetera.
So I took up more and more fitnessonce I came to Australia, first
of all, so I started running, Ilearned swimming in my thirties.

(57:37):
but this year it was kindof, it was triggered because
my mom tells a long story.
I'll kind of show my mom was diagnosedwith rheumatoid arthritis around my age.
So in her forties, while quite young, shewas diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
It had gotten quite bad and inher fifties she could barely move.
And that it only changed once shefound a doctor who told her actually

(57:58):
movement and exercises, what wouldactually fix it, whereas back in
India was the other way route.
And once she did visit me inAustralia, she started doing
resistance exercises a bit more.
And that even improved her situation.
So I've kind of come from that mindsetand thinking I'll prevent that.
So during COVID I thought, okay,I'll start doing a few more kind of

(58:22):
resistance exercises, but I was scaredto look at anything beyond, I don't
know, the two or three kilo dumbbells.
That was my limit.
And I'm like, that's it's heavy enough.
That'll do.
But today I think just yesterdayI was deadlift 55 kilograms.
Well done.
And I've got a goalthis year to get to 65.

(58:45):
And this has taught me such a lot toa situation where when you have this
heavy thing on your back and you haveto either sit right down in a squat and
push back up against it, or you haveto really lift that up off the floor.
That in itself teaches you so much.

(59:07):
You have to be disciplined.
It is not going to just magically go fromtwo kilos to 50 or 60, just like that.
You have to work at it.
This is the first year that I havebeen, consistently working out at
least three times a week, if notmore, because without that, it
won't happen just will not happen.

(59:29):
You have to be patient because again,you can't like discipline doesn't mean
I will just try to lift 50 just inone go because I will break my back.
So there's always that fear of injuryand you have to do it right, et cetera.
So you have to be really patient with it.
And you have to, again, Challengethe stereotype in your mind challenge

(59:53):
the ceilings in your own mind?
I had to challenge the fact like mymind told me don't walk up to the bigger
barbell area, because what if you can'teven lift it or there's all these, you
know, big mussy tattooed gym bro, around

(01:00:14):
And just the fact that, you know,I have to pull up the bench to
under the bar and then set it up.
It was intimidating for me.
And I had to fight against thatintimidation, to even step up to the bar.
And I think now when I step up to thebar, I know I have challenged that
stereotype of the woman and the Indianwoman that I'm meant to be like, there

(01:00:36):
is no way anyone back in my small townwould say you would run 10 kilometers.
Like, why would you?
And when I tell them, you know, you couldgo from this place that they recognized
at this other place and they go, whatyou run that much, or what do you mean?
You lift that much weight for nothing.
Like they would lift it obviouslyfor practical reasons if they

(01:00:56):
have to shop or something.
but not otherwise.
But the patients, the discipline,the humility, even that if you
don't put in the work, thereis no way that bar will go up.
It will not go up.
It will just fall back downto the floor or on your back.
So that the patience, the discipline,the humility, but most of all, that

(01:01:19):
challenging that stereotype of myselfchallenging the ceiling I had in myself.
Is a big lesson thatthe bar has taught me.
And, you know, this just goes on toshow that you don't fit neatly into
any boxes ever, you know, breakingstereotype is just what you do,
but you make a really good point.

(01:01:39):
You know what you'll learn through,the process of exercising, the
discipline that these are important,life lessons, you know, these are the
sort of things that I would stronglyencourage my children to learn early
in their life, as it will help 'em toovercome these limiting self beliefs.
So really valuable lesson.
Lastly, lesson number 10, give ittime that tears morph into memories.

(01:02:02):
Now, this sounds very profoundand I dare say probably there's
another story behind this.
Yeah it was part of that hard partof my life when I lost dad and I.
I still remember that day.
It was a Monday morning.
It was like 10 or 10:30 AM.
In fact, probably between 10 and 10 30.

(01:02:23):
I was in a team meeting.
So I was with my team.
I'm the team lead.
And I was just doing a normal Mondaymorning what's on for this week.
And my phone is always kindof face down because I don't
wanna look at it, et cetera.
And it, it buzzed and I don'tusually do this, but something in me
nagged in me to just look at it andI absolutely don't do it normally.

(01:02:43):
And there was just two words on thereand it said like it's in Bengali.
So my mom had texted
me to say Bābā nē'i andBābā nē'i means dad's
no more.
And that's it.
It was just two words.
But that two words definitelylike completely divided
my life into two halves.
It was a before that text and afterthat text and life was never the same.

(01:03:06):
And.
I remember, I, I literallywalked out of that meeting.
Like I didn't tell anyone,I didn't talk to her.
I just walked out and I called momand I just told her, yeah, I'll come.
I'm coming right now.
And, but I had, I, I didn'teven know how to process it.
Right.
So as I walked out, I talked toa friend of mine who was sitting

(01:03:27):
there and she called my husband andshe organized flights back home.
And she did everything basically.
Like she got my bags back from work.
I didn't even remember ifthere was things to take.
So I, I did nothing but that the finalityof death, it's just something it's
just such a hard lesson to learn inlife that there is nothing you can do.

(01:03:50):
You can't ask for just onemore minute, just one con,
just one bite.
can I just
talked to him once.
There is just nothing.
There is nothing reversible about it.
It is completely an utterly.
Irreversible.
It is just final.
It just happens.
And that's it.
And I know at the time, like, you know howeveryone says, give it time, it'll heal.

(01:04:14):
And that's just the thing you say.
It's like, you've beenthrough a hard time.
Just give it some time.
And for anyone, anyone listening in,if you've lost a parent or worse, if
you've lost a partner, definitely worse.
If you've lost a child, it's been morethan five years, almost six years now,
since I lost dad, I can't say that timeheals time does not just make it go away.

(01:04:38):
There's always gonna bethat hole in your life.
There's always gonna be that scar.
And sometimes it will reopen.
And for me sometimes it'ssomething just so trivial.
Like sometimes I'll see this,someone wearing a watch that.
black on a white dial and dad used to wearthat and I'll just be teary again for no

(01:04:59):
reason, except that watch made me think ofdad or I'll sit here and in, in our house
now I can just see there's a toy traincalled puffing, Billy, that goes right
past my house and I'll sit and watch that.
And my dad would love watching trains.
He hasn't seen this new house and I canalmost see like, you know, the other

(01:05:21):
week I was literally like sitting there.
And it was just as if it was real.
I imagined him sitting there sippingon his tea and slurping on it.
He would always slurp onhis tea with the sound.
And I could almost hear him just turningto my mom and saying, you know, oh, could
you imagine we would sit in a house likethis and watch the train just like this.

(01:05:44):
And it kind of happens.
And I felt.
I felt that hole again.
I felt that scar again, but itwas such a beautiful moment.
See, it wasn't like the day of or theday after where I felt like a zombie and
nothing worked, it almost felt beautiful.

(01:06:06):
It was like all the memories of himwrapped me in this warm embrace.
It wasn't the same as if he was justthere, but it was still just beautiful.
And I think there's always someone,if you're grieving the loss of a loved
one, and even if you're grieving theloss, and I say this on behalf of all

(01:06:27):
my friends in infertility, people don'tunderstand, you do grieve the loss of a
dream grieve, the loss of a child thatcould have been, or if you're grieving
the loss of someone who has been giveit time, like everyone else says.
It will not heal, but oneday your tears will morph.
They will morph into thesebeautiful memories that are just

(01:06:51):
warm and fuzzy and beautiful.
Wow.
Thanks for sharing that verybeautiful and powerful story.
Thank you for that.
, it reminds me of another lessonthat we've heard before and
that was, this tool shall pass.
You know, it doesn't matterwhat it is, you know, when you
are doing well in your life.
Yeah.

(01:07:12):
Or when you're at a low point in yourlife, time will change everything.
So thanks for that.
Well, we'll finish on that note.
You've been listen to the podcast.
10 lessons learned where we dispensewisdom for career business and life.
Our guest today has been BaishakhiConnor sharing the 10 lessons that
took her a long time to learn.

(01:07:33):
This episode is produced by RobertHossary and sponsored by the
Professional Development Forum.
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