March 7, 2023 • 52 mins
Martin Salama is a CEO, Founder and Business Coach. He explains why we should “Reframe our meaning of L.I.F.E”, he discloses the “true meaning of Rationalize and how it's self-sabotaging you” and tells us how to “Lose the Worrier and find the W.A.R.R.I.O.R”. Hosted by Diana White.
About Martin SalamaMartin Salama is known as the Architect of The Warriors L.I.F.E. Code. He specializes in helping people frustrated in their life quickly shift their mindset to UNCOVER their greatness so they can live their true potential and enjoy LIFE! An example of what he’s achieved is a client like Roberta, who lost her 6-figure job due to COVID and came to Martin depressed and felt very lost. Within a short time, she had, quote: “direction, focus, and a renewed energy around all the possibilities I could pursue… and getting back on track to enjoy LIFE!” The key to his success is, he’s mastered the ability to Live Incredibly Full Everyday! Which he turned into the acronym L.I.F.E. and created the Warriors L.I.F.E. Code coaching program.
Episode Notes
Lesson 1: Start with Admission, Cleansing, and Celebration 02:22 Lesson 2: Use The Cycle Of A's 04:45 Lesson 3: Stop, Think, Respond 08:28 Lesson 4: Reframe Your Meaning Of L.I.F.E 15:03 Lesson 5: Lose The Worrier And Find The W.A.R.R.I.O.R In You 19:00 Lesson 6: Incorporate Your new mindset in your finances so you can live in Financial Abundance 21:31 Lesson 7: Use The Warrior Mindset Affirmations Everyday 25:55 Lesson 8: The true meaning of Rationalize and how it's self-sabotaging you. 30:55 Lesson 9: Be clear about Self-Conscious vs, Self-Aware. 35:58 Lesson 10: Build Your Emotional Strength to keep your feelings from ruling your actions. 38:00
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:09):
hello and welcome to 10 Lessons Learned,where we talk to leaders and luminaries
from all over the world to dispense wisdomfor career, business, and life in order
to make the world wiser lesson by lesson.
My name is Diana White, andI'm your host for this episode.
Our guest today is Martin Salama.
(00:31):
Martin is known as the architectof the Warrior's Life Code.
He specializes in helping frustratedpeople with their lives quickly
shift their mindset and uncovertheir greatness so they can live
their true potential and enjoy life.
An example of what he's achieved isa client like Roberta, who lost her
(00:51):
six figure job due to Covid and cameto Martin depressed and very lost.
Roberta stated that within a shorttime, she had direction focus
and a renewed sense of energy.
Around all the possibilitiesshe could pursue and was getting
back on track to enjoy life.
The key to Martin's success, he'smastered the ability to live incredibly
(01:14):
full every day, which he turned into theacronym life, L.I.F.E., and created the
Warrior's Life Code Coaching Program.
Welcome Martin.
Oh, thank you so much, Diana.
I'm so excited to be here with you.
I am so excited to have youhere and listeners and viewers.
(01:35):
Martin is a fellow New Yorker, so youknow that this had to be my episode.
Sorry for all my co-hosts.
So Martin, I'm gonna start with,a question that I have for you
before we get into our lessons.
what would you tell your 30 year old self.
I would tell my 30 year old selfto listen to what your father's
been telling you your whole life.
(01:56):
Don't take anything personally.
So true.
Oh, so true.
If only we weren't so angstyand just took our parents'
advice when they gave it to us.
Huh?
Right.
You know, as I got older,my parents got smarter
. It's so true.
And I bet you if you asked them, they'dsay how as he got older, he got smarter
(02:18):
because that's what my mom says about me.
Exactly.
well, let's start off with yourfirst lesson, lesson number one.
Start with admission,cleansing, and celebration.
Let's talk about that.
So admission, cleansing, and celebration.
So let me first tell you, a lot allof these lessons that we're talking
about, I've have in a card deck thatI've just produced called the Worrier
(02:44):
to Warrior Card Deck, and you know,hopefully my New York accent didn't
screw that up for everybody else.
Diana . I know you got whatworrier to warrior means.
. Yes.
Okay.
But being worried to becoming awarrior, being standing with, with your.
So I, the, the card deck issomething that just came out and
it's available for people to get.
(03:04):
So while we're going through this,I mean, it's not all the things
that are in the cards, but the 10lessons are a part of the card deck.
Love that.
So the first one Yep.
Is admission, cleansing, and celebration.
Okay.
So admission means admitting thatthe way your life is going isn't
exactly as you want it to be going.
(03:24):
It's recognizing.
You have the control to change theway things are happening for you and
admitting that for that to happen,you have to say, I have to change.
Right?
So that takes you to cleansing.
Once you've admitted it, you startthe process of changing or cleansing.
Getting through these differentchanges that you're going through,
(03:46):
cleansing yourself of thosethings that were holding you back.
And as you start to do these,you start to celebrate the little
changes that you're making.
So that's the celebration.
For example, someone goes on a diet,they go, I wanna lose 50 pounds.
They get the five pounds.
They usually go, okay,so it's five pounds.
(04:07):
No, celebrate it, it's five pounds,you're 10% of the way . Yes.
So that's, that's, you know, it'sjust an idea of what admission,
cleansing, and celebration's about.
It's almost reminiscent of, I,I believe this is Maya Angelou
viewers and listeners, correct meif I'm wrong, but, she once said,
when you know better do better.
(04:29):
Right.
And so that acknowledgement,
well, it'll correct you if you're wrong,but I think you're probably right.
. . So that acknowledgement, you know, that admission of I, I've got this
thing I wanna do or wanna changeleads to those other pieces.
Right.
Which I think is great.
Thank you so much.
lesson number two.
Use the cycle of A's.
(04:50):
Now I was confused bythis, so I'm curious.
Okay, so get ready.
Because to me, the cycle of A's isreally where things start to happen.
It's the beginning of it.
So the cycle of A's stands for threeletter a's that's a cycle that once
you get into it and get to it moreoften, things will start to happen.
(05:11):
So what am I talking aboutThat's, I haven't said, I've said
a whole lot of nothing so far.
So we've all heard of, many of us haveheard about the law of attraction, right?
What you attract, what you thinkabout what you want attracts you.
But you know what, there'sa very, very basic.
Definition of the law of attraction.
So the cycle of A's takes it fromthat foundational and helps you
(05:32):
to put it into practice practice.
So there's three A's.
The first one is ask, ask God.
Ask the universe.
Ask whoever your greatest power, thegreat power of your life is, to, to
give you the things that you wantin your life or that you desire.
Okay?
So that's the first one.
, and that's where the law ofattraction comes into play.
It's the definition I track to my life,whatever I give my energy, focus and
(05:55):
attention to, whether wanted or unwanted.
So that's the cycle of A's card.
And just to show you for asecond, I don't know if you
see there's this, a cycle here.
I do.
Yeah.
All right.
So that's the first one.
Ask, ask for what you want.
The next one is act.
Start doing the work.
(06:15):
Towards getting what you want.
Because just saying, oh, I want this.
It's not gonna get it for you.
It's really not gonna get it for you.
Oh, I want a million dollars.
Well, how are you gonnaget the million dollars?
You gonna wake up one dayand the leprechaun's gonna be
standing outside with the pot ofgold ? It doesn't work that way.
. And that takes us to numberthree, which is the most important
(06:39):
because it's the hardest.
But it's really if you, once you startto embrace it and understand it and
utilize it, it makes ask, act an attitude.
This the three cycle start tohappen to perpetuate itself.
The third one is attitude.
Have an attitude of I don't careabout the outcome, or you have a
(07:02):
detached emotion to the outcome.
Cause what happens is you're doingact and ask, and you're doing all this
work, what your natural tendency is, ohmy God, I really want this to happen.
It's really gotta happen.
And you start.
To put out this, this emotion,this energy of lack, and the ether
(07:24):
out there is hearing the lack.
The law of attraction is hearingthe lack and keeping it from you.
Okay.
But if you have this attitude of,I don't care what happens now,
if something comes along the way,that's not exactly what you expected.
Instead of you saying, oh my God, it'snot happening, you start to say, maybe
I need to make a course correction.
(07:46):
And if you keep your emotionsout of it, it can it push you
into this perpetual cycle of
I love that.
So it's ask act, and attitude.
Right.
Flawless.
I love that.
And I think I'm, I'm gonnaadopt it today, . Cool.
Cool.
Cause I am a firm believer of theask, of putting the energy out there.
(08:09):
But I absolutely hear where you're saying,Martin, where some people put the ask
out there and then immediately startto give off the odor of desperation.
Exactly.
Desperation means, oh my God, I'mgonna kill myself if I don't have it.
Okay.
Lesson number three.
Stop, think, respond.
(08:31):
So, I love what you're doing here becauseyou have a lot of threes, and it's very
simple to adopt, very simple to act upon.
And I, I imagine it just shows results.
So talk to me about stop, think, respond.
So, yeah, I do have threes and I havefours as well, but yeah, a lot of threes.
(08:51):
So when your childrenwere growing up Okay.
As my children and maybe us two, I don'tknow, and the firemen would come to
school and teach the children fire safety.
They tell 'em, they teach 'em three words.
To think about when you're ina fire, in an emergency fire.
Do you remember whatthose three words are?
(09:12):
Can we say 'em together?
Sure.
1, 2, 3.
Stop, stop.
Drop, drop And roll And roll.
Right.
, stop what you're doing.
Drop to the ground below thesmoke and roll away from the,
from the emergency, from the fire.
Okay.
So I was somebody who was avery, reactive type of a person.
(09:35):
I would react to everything to the pointthat I was, I would overreact to the
point that I was like a nuclear reactor.
, because I took things personallyand as a result, I was a controlled
freak and I was a people pleaser,and I had a short temper.
So while I was going throughmy divorce, I was also going
through life coach training.
(09:56):
And it was God's way of saying,this is what you need to do.
You know, you're down andthere's more to the story.
Be before that, maybewe'll get to some of it.
But I was really at a low point alreadywhen my wife asked for the divorce.
And you know, I, I was, I hadso much lack of self-confidence,
self-awareness, self-love, that I wasafraid of never being married again.
(10:18):
I afraid nobody wouldever love me and all that.
So I went into this coaching and I hadalready admitted to myself that I want
to change who I am professionally.
But then when I got there that firstweek and they go, before you could
talk to coach others, you gotta figureout what's going on in yourself.
And that led me to, to this.
So I took stop, drop, and roll.
(10:38):
And as I was.
Putting my course together, Irealized I was working with a
coach to help me develop my course.
And he said, well, what did you do to getyou to stop reacting and start responding?
And I said to him, well, you know,like a fireman stop, drop and roll.
I came up with stop,think, and respond, right?
(10:59):
Because I was alwaysshoot first ask questions.
So now I said, and, and this camethrough as I was going through coaching.
I was going through my divorce andI was noticing the, the buttons that
she would push, whether consciouslyor unconsciously, to get me going.
(11:19):
For example, she would say, you know,we're in the middle of something
and she'd call me up or whatever,and she'd say, I don't wanna fight.
But now for years she used that.
and to me it meant let'sget ready to rumble . Okay.
And I would say, okay,I guess we're fighting.
And I would, my, my emotions wouldgo up and I would start fighting.
(11:41):
And it was easy for her to then turnaround and say, you started the fight.
I said, I don't wanna fight.
But right now, like I said, I'm notgonna say she did that consciously.
She probably really meant, Iwant to tell you something and
I don't want you to get upset.
Which would then that would happen.
So now that I was more awareof my feelings, I recognized
(12:06):
that that's what I was doing.
So I stopped and I said, okay,she, what do I need to do?
I gotta listen a little better, andI gotta listen to what she's saying
and recognize where's it coming from?
Am I taking it personally?
So on and so forth.
And then respond.
So once I recognized that, that'swhat I was doing, I came up
with stop, think, and respond.
(12:26):
you know, one of the things that struckme when, when you talked about this is.
Everyone I think in the world has theiridea of how the different sexes handle
a, a breakup or a relationship challenge.
and I think unfortunately, a lot of thetimes, the man has always seemed as, you
(12:49):
know, cold or distant or, in most cases.
he started it, you know, he,he checked out before I did,
or, those kinds of things.
The vulnerability that youshowed by saying, men think the
same things that women do whenrelationships are falling apart.
What?
I'm afraid of the future.
(13:10):
I'm afraid of the futurewithout this person.
I'm afraid of the future by myself.
What does it mean foranother relationship?
Will I have another relationship?
I think women, I think we think we'rethe only ones that think that way and.
It is not true, and I'm so glad youbrought that up and mentioned it, and I
wish that more men were strong enough.
(13:31):
Yeah.
We're gonna, we're gonna changethat narrative instead of saying
vulnerable, say strong, strongenough to admit these things.
Because I think that theconversations, but would be richer
even if they don't, even if theystill end up in the separation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
You know what I mean?
I, I IAnd and it's interestingthat you brought up the word
vulnerable and strong because.
(13:53):
I actually wrote a blog, Idon't know, a few months ago
that's on my website about that.
Be a Man has new Meaning.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes.
When I was growing up in theseventies and eighties, all right.
It was the time of Macho Man.
You know, and all that.
And before that, in the forties,fifties, sixties, men didn't show
their emotions because if theydid, they were looked at as weak.
(14:16):
Yeah.
You never ask for help and youheld your emotions in, I was an
emotional kid when I was growing up.
I was always an emotional kidand my father would say, don't
worry about it so much, . But thatwas the times that he had, and I
really took everything personally.
Now I've learned.
Temper that, but thanks tosomebody like Brene Brown.
(14:37):
Yes.
Who brought the wordvulnerability out of the closet.
Whereas at the time we wouldlook at vulnerability as a
weakness, and now you're so right.
When you show your vulnerability, youshow your authenticity, you're showing
you can be strong while having emotions.
So thank you for bringing that up.
I am.
I'm thanking you for bringing it up.
(14:57):
It, it's a revelation and Ihope our viewers and listeners
take something away from that.
So, lesson's number four.
Reframe your meaning of L.I.F.E andlife in your acronym, which is, once
again, tell us what that acronym is.
So LIFE stands for me for live,incredibly full every day.
(15:17):
Love it.
And you so reframe your meaning ofliving incredibly full every day.
Tell us about that.
So, as I was going through my divorce andcoming out the other side, I immediately
became a divorced recovery coach.
Made sense.
I just came through a divorce and thethings I had learned had helped me.
(15:38):
Get through the divorce.
And I did this for a few years andlike you said, it was interesting
cuz I, I couldn't get too many menclients cuz they didn't want to admit
their feelings and so on and so forth.
But I still had clientsand so on and so forth.
And then I looked in the mirror one dayand I wasn't happy with the way I looked.
I wasn't happy with the way I felt.
My coaching was just a side job inmy regular job was a dead end job.
(16:00):
And I was allowing all thosethings to hold me back and I
wasn't being coached, which was.
, every coach needs a coach at all times.
Honestly.
So I, I, I looked in the mirrorand I said, I gotta change.
I was the heaviest I ever was in my life.
I was working, I was leaving the houseat 7:00 AM getting home at 7:00 PM and I
could have easily said, I have no time.
(16:21):
But I wanted the change.
The change was strong enough in methat I said, okay, what can I do?
Oh, my friend was talking onFacebook that there's a 30 minute
video that I can do from home.
Great.
I can wake up 45 minutes earlier, workout, take a few minutes to cool down,
take a shower, and still get to work.
(16:42):
Just changed my, my time schedule.
I did that.
I started eating better.
I started reading better.
I started allowing myselfto be coached again, and in
nine months I lost 65 pounds.
Wow.
That's amazing.
But long.
Yeah.
But along with that came a new senseof self and I went from self-conscious
to self-aware, which will get alittle deeper and lesson nine.
(17:05):
Okay.
Just to give it a little tip of it, and.
I started doing things like meditating.
Now I'm ADHD.
Okay?
So imagine me being meditating,guided meditation for 10 minutes.
When is this gonna be over?
Okay.
But one of these times I had thisdownload that I loved my life and I
(17:26):
loved everything that was going on,and I wanted to help other people.
After I meditated, I wrote fortwo hours, and out of that came
life live incredibly full every
day.
It amazes me how when you're goingthrough a change or a metamorphosis
and if you had asked yourself orchallenged yourself before this
(17:47):
metamorphosis, Hey, write a book.
Hey, figure out a philosophy.
Hey, bring something to the worldthat will help it be better, you would
say, but ah, I'm not that person.
Right, right, exactly.
That actually happened to me.
Somebody turned to me andsaid, you should write a book.
I was like, me.
A week later, I got an email fromone of these emails that I was
(18:07):
on saying, my friend's holding aseminar on writing books, a webinar.
I was like, all right, lemme go on it.
I wrote my first book,recovering from divorce because
of somebody planting the seed.
So yeah, and then when I came up withL.I.F.E, my book coach, she challenged me.
She said, okay, so you haveliving incredibly full every day.
(18:28):
Now go back and find a, come up witha couple of other acronyms for LIFE.
So I was like, okay, so here's a card.
Alternate definitions.
I couldn't remember exactly what it said.
love intensely, fiercely,and effortlessly.
Leadership inspires fearless energy.
Luck is innovated from experience,lasting improvement favors everyone.
(18:52):
And there's another few of them, but Ijust gave you a couple of them there.
And they all go together.
Yeah, they all go together.
I love it.
Lesson number five.
this is the one where our, our New Yorkeraccents might get the better of us, eh, so
let's, let's do this lesson number five.
Lose the Worrier andfind the Warrior in you.
(19:12):
That's right.
That's right.
So I have two cards on this.
One is the warrior mindset, which isbasically 20 affirmations You can.
To get yourself into a warrior mindset,I am open and ready to be positive.
I am control of my feelings.
No matter how hard it is.
I can do it.
(19:33):
And down the line, positive things.
I deserve to be happy.
I'm a kind person.
I have the power to be happy.
I'm grateful for what I have.
It's okay if I make a mistake.
I like myself for who I am.
Today is gonna be a great day.
So viewers and listeners, I, Iwant, I want you to take this in.
I know there's gonna be some of you thatare saying affirmations, they're stupid.
(19:57):
What do they do?
They're just words.
But I challenge you because youknow what, how silly you feel
if you say, I am deserving.
Right?
How silly you feel when you saythat out loud in the mirror.
You don't feel silly subconsciouslywhen you say, why'd you do that, idiot?
Right when you did, it's so easy to demeanyourself and say horrible things that
(20:19):
you would never say to another person.
Yeah.
So easy to say that in your head.
Why can't you flip that narrative andbe able to embrace those affirmations.
and say them and mean them as fiercelyas you meant the negative stuff.
You'd be surprised whatit does to your mindset.
Yep.
And, and how you interact in the world.
(20:39):
Yep.
We're gonna save the otherone for less than seven.
Okay.
Cause I, I flipped them byaccident, but it's all good.
Okay.
All right.
Let's take a quick break.
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(21:03):
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(21:24):
The link will be in the show notes.
Let's welcome back Martin Salamaand continue with lesson number six.
Lesson number six.
Incorporate your new mindsetin your finances so you can.
In financial abundance.
Let's take it away.
All right.
All right.
So I, I kind of put.
(21:46):
towards the middle end of my coursebecause you first gotta understand
the importance of a abundance in otherareas of your life because finances
always end up being the sticking point.
Oh, I can't, oh, I can't afford it.
And you start to tostruggle with yourself.
So I basically said, no matterwhat your financial status is at
(22:06):
this moment, there's at least alittle bit of financial insecurity.
The mindset of financial abundanceseems to be one of the more difficult
mindsets, to achieve for most people.
That's totally understandable.
Start by taking a percentage.
So here it is.
I say take 40% of the money thatyou have coming in every day.
(22:28):
No matter what, how manydollars you get in take 40%.
Some people say 40%, I can't do it.
Start with 20%, whatever the numberis, but your goal should be 40% down
the line because they go, oh my God,I can't live on what I'm living now.
Try it.
You're gonna find after you startto do this and you start putting
this 40% away, that you're ableto live on the 60% just as easily.
(22:50):
It's just that your mindset isset in telling you you can't.
And then what do you do with the 40%?
You set up four separateaccounts, 10% each.
Big purchases.
Like for example, I wanna buy a car.
Okay, you gotta put moneytowards that next one, fun money.
Do something fun, and don't let thisaccumulate more than 90 days because
(23:10):
you've got to put fun into your life.
Oh, if you're not, you're not going.
Right next, giving to others charityand then golden goose slash emergency
slash paydown debt, whatever it is.
Once you finish paying down your debt,you've got some emergency money, and
really what you wanna do is have it foryour golden goose down the road, invest it
(23:32):
into something else, so on and so forth.
Now, it's very rare that I hear someonesay the second part of what you said
with the fun money, which is don'tjust save it and continuously save it.
Challenge yourself to use it every 90days because you need to treat yourself.
I think that is the crux of whypeople don't wanna set aside money.
(23:57):
Including 40% of their earnings.
It's because if I dothat, how do I have fun?
I'm not gonna have fun.
Right.
Exactly.
And you see what I have over here.
This sign over here, it says,never get so busy making a living.
That you forget to make a life.
Yeah.
Oh man.
When I saw that, I'mlike, oh my God, life.
(24:18):
I have to get this
and I like the buckets.
I like the buckets because they'resimple, they're meaningful.
and I find a lot of the gurus thattell you, you need to save and
why and what you need to save for.
They're speaking the truth.
But the reality is people areliving in the now and they're
(24:40):
not living in the future.
And so all of the things that they'retalking about retirement, you know,
your stocks, IRAs, Most people say,well, yeah, that's all well and good,
but I got, I gotta eat right now.
You know?
Right.
And I don't wanna, I grew up eatinghot dogs and, and pork and beans.
I want to eat filet mignon right now,and I have the salary that I can do that.
(25:04):
And so it kind of takes away fromthat process of, well, you're gonna
live a lot longer than you think.
Mm-hmm.
. That's right.
And you're not gonna be ableto work that whole time.
And so That's Right.
What are you gonna do?
Exactly.
you're gonna, you're gonnalive on social security.
Yeah.
, you know what if.
If that is your plan, if, if listenersand viewers, if your plan is to live on
(25:29):
social security alone in your retirementyears, and, and I know, retirement
means something different in all thedifferent countries that listen in to us.
But in the US if your goal is tolive off Social Security, then I.
That you can cut 40% out right now,because you'll be doing it later anyway,
(25:50):
so you might as well start right now.
. That's right,
. All right.
Lesson number
seven.
Okay, so now seven.
We're gonna talk about thefind the warrior within you
because we did the affirmations.
Yes.
Number six, number five.
Yeah.
Lesson than number seven, use thewarrior mindset affirmations every day,
(26:11):
right?
So we did that.
So now we're gonna talk about L Losethe worrier and find the warrior in you.
Okay.
So I had, I took the word warriorand broke it down to another acronym.
Okay.
Number one, w seek wisdom.
You never know enough.
There's always more to learn.
And when you say, I know you'rereally saying, no, I'm not interested.
(26:35):
Oh, powerful,
right?
Imagine when someone tells you something.
I know.
I know.
You're shutting them down cuz Iknow you don't have to tell me.
So have some wisdom number.
The A is act.
Ask an attitude.
We went over that R realization.
Be content with what you have.
(26:57):
Have a mindset of I have everything.
That doesn't mean that you don'tdesire more, but love what you do
have without saying, oh my God,I need that, and that and that.
Next, recognize or be grateful.
Gratitude.
Be grateful for everything in your life.
I imagination.
Think.
(27:17):
You know Norman Vincent Peele,the power of positive thinking
said, shoot for the stars.
You may hit the moon.
Optimism.
Find optimism, positivityin everything you do.
Wear rose colored glasses and then r.
Resilient, be flexible and have an openmind because as we said, you may be doing
act, act an an attitude and somethingcomes and says, okay, this isn't the
(27:41):
route you're supposed to be taking.
You need to make a course correction.
So be resilient, be ready to change.
So what I'm getting, and I lovethis, you're taking that word
warrior and you're removing.
The fight.
Anytime somebody says, you gotta bea warrior, that means that head on.
You are fighting for something.
(28:01):
Someone.
Yeah.
And it is less about you embracingyourself and enhancing yourself,
and it more about fighting.
Yes.
You're breaking down eachletter and giving it a word that
internalizes it and challenges youto make yourself a better person.
Right.
Martin, you're a smart man,
(28:24):
thank you.
Thank you.
Well, lemme tell you wherethe warrior part came up.
So here we are.
I have this life in lifestuff that I did right?
I told, I told you howI came up with life.
Live incredibly full everyday and I'm living every, this
is night 20 14, 20 15, 20 16.
And I'm living great and I'm dating.
I started dating and while I'm going onthese dates, I'm looking for women who
(28:46):
have the same values cuz I learned so muchabout values in And I never realized how
important values were until afterwards.
And I don't mean this in the wrongway, but if I knew my values when
I was in my twenties, I might nothave married my wife, my first wife.
I love my four children,don't get me wrong.
But, you know, I'm not regretting it.
I'm just saying I'm, I might have gonea different path, So now I'm doing
(29:06):
this, I'm dating and I meet somebodywho's checking off all the box.
I'm like, oh my God, this is fantastic.
Month into it.
I'm really loving this person.
I'm, and I tell her, Igotta tell you something.
You don't have to say it back to me.
I'm falling in love with you because Isee you as you are, and you see me as I
am, and you're not looking to change me.
So when we get married twoyears later, now comes 2020.
(29:29):
Something happens in 2020, right?
Oh,
, something happened that challenged everybody's relationships.
Yes.
Continue.
Oh, everybody's, everything.
Everything.
It was basically everybody was runningaround like they were chicken little,
the sky is falling and now it's May.
And we were always supposed to bein lockdown for a couple of weeks
and now it's a couple of months andpeople are like, what is going on?
(29:53):
And they're all worried.
And I'm looking at 'em saying,why is everybody worried or
better ask , why am I not worried?
why is my wife not worried?
And I realized that the last 10, 12 yearsof my life, through the negatives that I'd
gone through in 2008, when the financialwill fell apart, I lost everything.
Every penny I had by thetime I got back on my feet.
(30:14):
Mentally.
My wife said, I want a divorce on our24th wedding anniversary I was down.
I decided to go through coaching.
I transformed myself from 1.0 Martin intoMartin 2.0, and I was loving life even.
And I realized that what happenedwas is that the last 12 years
had prepared me for anything.
(30:36):
Even Covid.
Wow.
I got out to Facebook andI said, guys, I get it.
I know why.
You are all worried I was there.
So let me show you how to go frombeing a worrier to a warrior, because
a warrior is somebody who's gone,who's been down, has faced adversity,
and become stronger as a result of it.
Amazing, amazing lesson number eight.
(31:00):
The true meaning of rationalizeand how it's self sabotaging you.
Ooh, I found this so interesting.
Let's go.
So, okay, so now lemmego back a little bit.
I was 10 years old.
I had a tragedy in my life.
Mm-hmm.
I lost my brother.
My five year old brother was killedin a, in a school bus accident.
I have four older sistersand it's just me as the boy.
(31:23):
I come from the Jewish community.
Boys are everything.
Okay, you are gonna carry onthe name, you are gonna carry
on the legacy, blah, blah, blah.
Now I lost my brother.
It's all up to me.
At that moment, I became a people pleaser.
With that came a lot of other things.
Over the years, I became, Itook everything personally.
I was I was short-tempered.
I was a control freak.
So as a people pleaser, I would dothings and I would rationalize that why
(31:47):
I'm doing them is for the greater good.
It took me about 40 plus yearsto recognize that that word
rationalize was me self sabotaging.
Because it's really, and thisis something I've, I've, I've
trademarked it's two words.
It's rational lies.
(32:09):
Rational lies.
You lie to yourself that you'redoing something that goes against
what you really believe because it'srational to do these things because
it's for the greater good, or you'regonna make the other person happy,
or your ego is getting in your way.
Whatever it is, you tell yourselfa lie, that it's rational.
Like, oh, I have no time to exercise.
(32:31):
You could find the timeif you really want to.
So now when you make thoseexcuses say to youself.
Is it a reason or is it a rational liethat is really an excuse in disguise?
Viewers and listeners,take that away today.
Ask yourself, is it a rationallie or is it a real reason?
(32:54):
So powerful, so powerful.
Lesson number nine.
Be clear about self-consciousversus self-aware.
Yep.
So as I was looking back over my lifeand when I went through Coaching and
the coaching program I went to wasnot like one of these one day, two day
(33:15):
weekend things and you're all done.
It was almost a year.
Because you really needed to learn theskills, learn about yourself, learn about
how to approach your clients and all that.
And then as I went through that and thenfound myself a few years later looking
back and saying, why am I so heavy?
Why am I so unhappy?
Whatever.
And I started to make this transformation.
(33:37):
I started to go from beingself-conscious to self-aware.
So to me, I made a card on it.
Self consciousness comes froma place of negative energy,
guilt, conflict, and doubt.
Self consciousness ismore outward directed.
It's being more concerned about whatothers are thinking of you and how
the situation is going to affect you.
You probably react to uncomfortablesituations instead of respond.
(34:01):
Stop think and respond.
Self-awareness comes from a placeof positive energy acceptance,
contentment, self-assuredness.
Self-awareness is more inward facing.
You have an accurate and realisticunderstanding of how you are responding
to situations and how you feel aboutthings, and it goes on for both of them.
(34:23):
But that just gives you an ideawhen you make that shift from
self-conscious to self-aware.
, you are recognizing thatyou are in control of where
you're going with yourself.
So before we get into our lastlesson, I wanna talk about
what we've learned so far.
And I wanna ask you, Martin, you know,you had a, a, a life changing event.
(34:45):
You had a shift, you had adivorce, 24 years of marriage.
You had to really almostreinvent yourself, right?
What about the people out there thateverything's status quo and by status
quo, I mean, they're not sad, they'renot happy, they're just living.
(35:06):
And in order to take this journeyand change there's no trigger.
An outside trigger for them, theyreally have to do it themselves and
they have to do it in an environmentthat may not be changing around them.
Right, right, right.
Absolutely.
I get that.
How does it work?
Well, first thing is, are they feelinglike they're in their own comfort zone?
(35:28):
Because that's not a good place to be.
When you're in your comfort zonemeans you're not willing to get
uncomfortable to change what's goingon, and you just accept what's going.
So you gotta get uncomfortableto get more comfort.
That makes
sense.
It does.
It does.
And I think it's applicable to somany of the things we mentioned
today, including exercising, right?
(35:50):
That's right.
Everybody wants the body.
Nobody wants the pain and the the,
they don't want the sacrifice.
Right.
You just want the reward.
Exactly.
And it, and it's so funny, I vle with you.
Whether or not I'm gonna be the avidperson that works out every day, right?
. And I notice that, likeas you said, excuses, huh?
(36:12):
I don't have time.
I, I'm doing so many different things.
I have these meetings, but, but I'llfind time to stand in the Starbucks line.
That's right.
That's right.
I got my time for that.
And that's where I found having a coachfor me was the best thing to happen to me.
and for my clients, because Ibecame their accountability partner.
(36:32):
Mm-hmm.
, my coaches, became myaccountability partner whereas.
When you have to answer to your boss, toyour wife, to your children, to everybody
else, they're your accountability.
You're accountable to them.
But when it comes to answeringto yourself, it's very easily to
rationalize or just say, I can't do it.
You know, come up with the excuses why.
(36:52):
It's just okay, so it's not for me.
Everybody else gets what they want.
You gotta put the mask on yourself first.
, you know the airplane mask.
It's true.
It's so true.
And it's not selfish.
No, I dare say it's not because Ithink the most selfish thing is to not
address who you really wanna be and, gothrough your entire life and all of your
(37:15):
most significant relationships beinga person you really don't wanna be.
I you're not giving the best true selfto the other person that you love.
Right.
You know, so, so people ask me who,who, what's my client look like?
I said, it's that person whofeels the something off, but
they're not sure they have thislike existential crisis going on.
(37:35):
Yeah.
Saying, is this all there is?
And you know what my answer to them is?
Yes, , but it's how you are looking at it.
Oh, you know how many gurus say,no, this is not all there is.
You can blah, blah, blah.
No, I love that answer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is all there is.
What are you gonna do about it?
(37:59):
Oh, I love it.
Lesson number 10.
Build your emotional strength to keepyour feelings from ruling your actions.
Now as a reformed, angry New Yorker, I cantell you that I learned this the hard way.
So, Lean into this one for us.
Okay, too.
So I, I have this spread out in my course.
(38:20):
First it teach, stop, think, and respond.
And there's, there'sthings that they learned.
There's, the cards.
There's even a scorecard forthe stop, think, and respond to
see how you're doing with it.
Okay?
But then you need to go deeper.
But before you go deeper, you gottafirst recognize the things you're And
I'm gonna be honest with you, whenyou're doing, stop, think, and respond.
And when you're gonna dothis, you're gonna fail.
(38:42):
You're gonna fail overand over and over again.
But what's happening is as you becomemore aware of it, you're going to
fail a hundred percent, 98%, 97%.
And it'll start to decreasebecause it's like muscle.
Brain muscle memory.
So I came up with another acronym forlife to Build your Emotional Strength so
(39:05):
that your, you could rule your emotionsinstead of your emotions ruling you.
Because how many people have hadtheir emotions rule them in the past
and then say, oh my God, I can'tbelieve I did this, blah, blah, blah.
Right?
So now I took L.
Listen to your inner voice andacknowledge your feelings or emotions,
(39:26):
because to me, there's a differencebetween emotions and feelings.
An emotion is somethingthat happens like that.
I'm feeling angry, I'm feelinganxious, I'm feeling mad.
I'm feeling sad.
I'm feeling happy.
And then what kind ofanger are you feeling?
Is it strong where you're enraged, oris it life where your little ticked off.
(39:47):
So in my course, I give them a chartand across the top of the emotions,
and then each one has a column withstrong, medium, and light emotions.
So I say, okay, listento your inner voice.
Recognize what you're feeling,what your emotions are.
Then identify what kind of feelings theyare, what kind of feelings are these?
(40:08):
Are they strong, medium,light, put a word to them.
Enraged, ticked off, miffed,whatever it is, right?
And there's a list.
There's like 20 or 30 foreach one of these things.
L listen to your inner voice.
I identify your feelings.
F find out why.
Ask yourself questions.
(40:29):
Be like you're on trial with yourself.
Cross-examine.
Why am I feeling this?
Is it helping me or hurting me?
Who did it to me?
Why did I allow them to do it?
Blah, whatever thosequestions are, write it down.
They get a sheet, they get a worksheet.
Write these things down, and thenE engage and change and take So
(40:50):
that sounds all good in theory.
How about if I give you an exampleof how I used it in my life?
Let's go.
All right, so here I am.
I'm divorced about two years, and my son'sgetting married, and we have a tradition.
It doesn't happen all the time.
Now I'm living in New York.
My ex and my children, for themost part are living in New Jersey.
They come to me every once in a whileand my son happened to be living with
(41:13):
me because he was going to Baruchat the time, which is in New York,
but for the weekend he went to NewJersey the weekend before his wedding.
And we have this tradition wheresometimes we do it, sometimes we don't.
And I thought we had decided not todo it, to have a Saturday lunch after
they go to synagogue on Shabbat, havelunch for the, for the bride and groom.
My son comes home after the weekendand says, dad, I'm so sorry.
(41:37):
I didn't know that mommy was makinga lunch and you weren't there.
Now the old me first thing Isaid to him, it's not your issue.
It's your mother.
The old me would've picked up thephone three days before the wedding
and would've said, who the heck do youthink youre blah blah ? That was me.
(41:58):
That's what I did.
I reacted.
So I said, let me think about this.
How do I feel?
I feel angry.
Okay, what kind of anger am I feeling?
Great anger why?
So, L I was feeling enraged.
L I was angry.
I, I identify, I was enraged.
(42:18):
F find out why, why did I feel this way?
She went behind my back.
She did these things.
She makes me know, okay.
I wrote out all these things and, and thenI went engage in change and take action.
So here's where it came into.
The old me would've done that.
And what would've happened at the wedding?
Two days later, I would've been upset.
(42:40):
She would've been upset,he would've been upset.
Everybody would've heard about it,the family, the kids, everybody.
And I'd be the bad guy.
So I waited.
So my action was, I wrotedown, what am I gonna do?
And I said, I'm gonna waituntil after the wedding.
Two days after the wedding,I picked up the phone and I
said, this is what you did.
This was the message that you sent.
I was, it was controlled anger.
(43:00):
People think life coaching is to teachyou how to be happy and never have anger.
Right.
It doesn't work that way.
Yes.
It's never gonna benever angry, never said.
It's how you control those emotionswhen they come and I called her up
and I told her these things and I got.
My 2 cents out and I ended it.
And this was a defining moment for me.
(43:22):
I said to her at the end of theconversation, thank you for divorcing me.
Because until that moment, there wasstill this little thing of maybe we could
get together, maybe I could figure it.
We were just never right for each other.
We were in a co-dependent relationship.
I had been the people pleaser for 25plus years, cuz we actually got divorced
finally after our 25th anniversary.
(43:43):
So officially we weremarried for 25 years.
But at, at that moment, I was done.
I had graduated myself to the next level.
So viewers and listeners, I want youto take away from that story, right?
We've got several things going on.
The first thing, I I would like to putout there is Martin is absolutely right.
(44:06):
This is a process, right?
It's not something that you're gonnamaster with your first, interaction
with figuring out where you are onthe emotional scale and how to deal
with it, but, . I also know thatmost of the time when people are
triggered, they're triggered in, inthe moment, in that situation, in a
conversation with the other person.
(44:27):
And unfortunately, we are not ata point in our lives as a species
where we can say, hold off.
I gotta go in a corner somewhereand write down my life.
I gotta write down these issues.
Right?
And so what you can say is, Thisconversation is not going, you know,
it's not, it's not becoming healthy.
It's, it's devolving and I thinkI might be contributing to that.
(44:50):
I don't know what my part is, butI've gotta go figure that out.
Before we continue this conversation.
You can say, let's stop.
Let's take a break.
Let's pick this up another time,and then set the date and time.
I think, Martin, you'll agree that notonly does that let the other person know
that you're not trying to dismiss them,but it also holds you accountable to
(45:12):
figuring that out before you meet again.
Absolutely.
And it's something that you willhave to practice and it's something
that will make you uncomfortable.
And for some of us, and I'm gonnaput myself in that category, I went
through a similar transformation withthe way I communicated with people
and the first few times of practicingit, Martin, I, I, I'm not gonna call
(45:37):
it any other way, I felt like a simp.
I felt like, ah, you know, I'm,I'm not, I'm not the same old
Diana that used to curse you outand didn't think twice about it.
You know, right now I'm, I'm all niceynicey trying to get the win-win out of it.
Oh, I'm such a sucker.
No, no.
I was learning how to communicatebetter and it changed my life.
(46:00):
That's right.
That's right.
And you know what, on the back.
On the back cover card, it sayssomething that made me think of you.
Don't proclaim to the world.
Look at me.
The new me.
Nobody wants to hear what you have to say.
They wanna see what you do.
There you go.
(46:21):
There you go.
Right here's a, there's a look.
I didn't get into a fightwith you just now, right?
Right.
You just called the elephant in the room.
Hello?
Let the elephants sit in the corner.
Leave 'em alone.
Yeah.
The, it really truly boils downto this is not about winning the
argument, winning the discussion.
Right, right.
(46:42):
This is not about be comingout the bigger, better person.
This is about, I have some feelingsand things that I need to say.
I'm gonna say it in a manner that youcan receive, that it can calmly be heard.
And then I don't care whatyou do with it after that.
That was for me.
You don't receive it.
That's on you.
That was for me.
(47:03):
Right?
? I love it.
Exactly.
Oh my goodness.
This was
Now, did she receive it?
I don't know.
And I don't care.
There you go.
There you go.
What?
Right.
In hindsight, I do have tosay right now, and this also
something that's in my course.
I didn't really talk about it here.
It's not in the cards, I don'tthink, but it's in my book and it's
in my course is I learned how totell myself a new story about her.
(47:25):
Mm.
And that helped me to get toa point now where we have a
pretty darn good relationship.
I love it.
it.
She's married.
I'm married to different people.
I, I love it.
And you know what?
I, I dare say, yeah.
I'm a firm believer andeverything happens for a reason.
And, I do believe that when you spendso much time with someone and you create
(47:50):
life together, you know, not just alife together, but you're creating
children, you're creating life together.
Yeah.
, even if the relationship doesn't lastas originally intended, you've done
something fundamentally to each other.
Mm-hmm.
that hopefully will help the next partner,
(48:11):
right.
Yeah.
Help you be better for the next partner.
Exactly.
And that was part of what I had.
. What my coaching, when I was doing rerecovering from divorce was explaining
to people, if you don't change yourselfwhen you get into a relationship,
you're gonna end up marrying somebodyexactly like the person you were
married to, just in a different body.
(48:33):
Because you attract what you'relooking for, and if you don't
change what you're looking for,you're gonna get the same thing.
Well, this has been absolutelyamazing, but I gotta hit
you with one more question.
oh.
Here it comes,
. What?
I mean, you have formed so much knowledge.
(48:55):
What have you had to unlearn?
I had to unlearn that Idon't know everything.
Mm-hmm.
and that I'm not always
I love that.
And that, and that is, thatis hard for anyone to admit.
But I, I gotta say, I hate to keepbringing regional back up, but it's
particularly hard for a New Yorker,
. That's right.
(49:15):
That's right.
Forget about it.
So, so I applaud that for sure.
Martin, it has been a pleasure.
This, this has been a great episodefor me because it has been, Not only
enlightening, but affirming becausea lot of the things you talk about,
I had to get to through trial anderror, and it just feels so good to
(49:40):
know that there's somebody out there.
You know, this is what we do.
This is why we created 10lessons so that people can learn
from other people's journeys.
Right?
And.
I'm so glad you're out there withyour program, helping people go
through these journeys and not do itthe hard way or the hard-headed way.
Right.
That the way I did, as I should say.
(50:00):
Gotcha.
Yep.
Yep.
Oh, well, I wanna thank myguest, Martin Salama for sharing
his lessons with us today.
Thank you so much.
You, you are, you are amazing.
And, and I'm, I'm probably gonnabe one of the first ones to get
in there and buy buy the book.
I tell you that.
Thank you.
Oh, it's easy to get the book.
It's easy to get the cards.
(50:20):
Let's go to connect with martin.com.
Oh goodness.
So say it one more time for us sowe can put it up on the screen.
Sure.
It's connect with martin.com.
When you go there, you'll.
A link to the cards, a link tothe pre-launch of the book, and
when you get that, you'll get thefirst three, you know, chapters
(50:41):
and, and some, some free gifts.
you'll also get a link to, you know,if you want free gift, like imagine
if I should told you, how wouldyou like those seven Steps of the
Warrior in a coloring book for adults.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would like that.
Oh lot.
And I also, I also have itthere for kids too, cuz that's
what it started out as being.
And then I made one for adults too.
(51:01):
Oh wow.
So those are some of the links whenyou go to connect with martin.com.
But, but we'll get thoseaffirmation cards too, right?
Well, they're, they're in the cards.
Oh, the cards are there Right at the top.
You can link on it and, and buy thecards and get 'em shipped right to you.
I'd love it.
I love.
Thank you.
You've been listeningto 10 Lessons Learned.
This episode is produced by RobertHossary, supported as always by
(51:26):
the Professional Development Forum.
Please tell us what youthink of today's lessons.
You can email us atpodcast@10lessonslearned.com.
That's podcast@10lessonslearned.com.
Go ahead and hit that like buttonsubscribe and turn on the notification
bell so you don't miss an episodeof the only show that makes the
(51:48):
world wiser lesson by lesson.
Thank you, Martin.
Thank you, Diana.
Be safe, everybody.
hello and welcome to 10 Lessons Learned,where we talk to leaders and luminaries
from all over the world to dispense wisdomfor career, business, and life in order
to make the world wiser lesson by lesson.
My name is Diana White, andI'm your host for this episode.
Our guest today is Martin Salama.
(00:31):
Martin is known as the architectof the Warrior's Life Code.
He specializes in helping frustratedpeople with their lives quickly
shift their mindset and uncovertheir greatness so they can live
their true potential and enjoy life.
An example of what he's achieved isa client like Roberta, who lost her
(00:51):
six figure job due to Covid and cameto Martin depressed and very lost.
Roberta stated that within a shorttime, she had direction focus
and a renewed sense of energy.
Around all the possibilitiesshe could pursue and was getting
back on track to enjoy life.
The key to Martin's success, he'smastered the ability to live incredibly
(01:14):
full every day, which he turned into theacronym life, L.I.F.E., and created the
Warrior's Life Code Coaching Program.
Welcome Martin.
Oh, thank you so much, Diana.
I'm so excited to be here with you.
I am so excited to have youhere and listeners and viewers.
(01:35):
Martin is a fellow New Yorker, so youknow that this had to be my episode.
Sorry for all my co-hosts.
So Martin, I'm gonna start with,a question that I have for you
before we get into our lessons.
what would you tell your 30 year old self.
I would tell my 30 year old selfto listen to what your father's
been telling you your whole life.
(01:56):
Don't take anything personally.
So true.
Oh, so true.
If only we weren't so angstyand just took our parents'
advice when they gave it to us.
Huh?
Right.
You know, as I got older,my parents got smarter
. It's so true.
And I bet you if you asked them, they'dsay how as he got older, he got smarter
(02:18):
because that's what my mom says about me.
Exactly.
well, let's start off with yourfirst lesson, lesson number one.
Start with admission,cleansing, and celebration.
Let's talk about that.
So admission, cleansing, and celebration.
So let me first tell you, a lot allof these lessons that we're talking
about, I've have in a card deck thatI've just produced called the Worrier
(02:44):
to Warrior Card Deck, and you know,hopefully my New York accent didn't
screw that up for everybody else.
Diana . I know you got whatworrier to warrior means.
. Yes.
Okay.
But being worried to becoming awarrior, being standing with, with your.
So I, the, the card deck issomething that just came out and
it's available for people to get.
(03:04):
So while we're going through this,I mean, it's not all the things
that are in the cards, but the 10lessons are a part of the card deck.
Love that.
So the first one Yep.
Is admission, cleansing, and celebration.
Okay.
So admission means admitting thatthe way your life is going isn't
exactly as you want it to be going.
(03:24):
It's recognizing.
You have the control to change theway things are happening for you and
admitting that for that to happen,you have to say, I have to change.
Right?
So that takes you to cleansing.
Once you've admitted it, you startthe process of changing or cleansing.
Getting through these differentchanges that you're going through,
(03:46):
cleansing yourself of thosethings that were holding you back.
And as you start to do these,you start to celebrate the little
changes that you're making.
So that's the celebration.
For example, someone goes on a diet,they go, I wanna lose 50 pounds.
They get the five pounds.
They usually go, okay,so it's five pounds.
(04:07):
No, celebrate it, it's five pounds,you're 10% of the way . Yes.
So that's, that's, you know, it'sjust an idea of what admission,
cleansing, and celebration's about.
It's almost reminiscent of, I,I believe this is Maya Angelou
viewers and listeners, correct meif I'm wrong, but, she once said,
when you know better do better.
(04:29):
Right.
And so that acknowledgement,
well, it'll correct you if you're wrong,but I think you're probably right.
. . So that acknowledgement, you know, that admission of I, I've got this
thing I wanna do or wanna changeleads to those other pieces.
Right.
Which I think is great.
Thank you so much.
lesson number two.
Use the cycle of A's.
(04:50):
Now I was confused bythis, so I'm curious.
Okay, so get ready.
Because to me, the cycle of A's isreally where things start to happen.
It's the beginning of it.
So the cycle of A's stands for threeletter a's that's a cycle that once
you get into it and get to it moreoften, things will start to happen.
(05:11):
So what am I talking aboutThat's, I haven't said, I've said
a whole lot of nothing so far.
So we've all heard of, many of us haveheard about the law of attraction, right?
What you attract, what you thinkabout what you want attracts you.
But you know what, there'sa very, very basic.
Definition of the law of attraction.
So the cycle of A's takes it fromthat foundational and helps you
(05:32):
to put it into practice practice.
So there's three A's.
The first one is ask, ask God.
Ask the universe.
Ask whoever your greatest power, thegreat power of your life is, to, to
give you the things that you wantin your life or that you desire.
Okay?
So that's the first one.
, and that's where the law ofattraction comes into play.
It's the definition I track to my life,whatever I give my energy, focus and
(05:55):
attention to, whether wanted or unwanted.
So that's the cycle of A's card.
And just to show you for asecond, I don't know if you
see there's this, a cycle here.
I do.
Yeah.
All right.
So that's the first one.
Ask, ask for what you want.
The next one is act.
Start doing the work.
(06:15):
Towards getting what you want.
Because just saying, oh, I want this.
It's not gonna get it for you.
It's really not gonna get it for you.
Oh, I want a million dollars.
Well, how are you gonnaget the million dollars?
You gonna wake up one dayand the leprechaun's gonna be
standing outside with the pot ofgold ? It doesn't work that way.
. And that takes us to numberthree, which is the most important
(06:39):
because it's the hardest.
But it's really if you, once you startto embrace it and understand it and
utilize it, it makes ask, act an attitude.
This the three cycle start tohappen to perpetuate itself.
The third one is attitude.
Have an attitude of I don't careabout the outcome, or you have a
(07:02):
detached emotion to the outcome.
Cause what happens is you're doingact and ask, and you're doing all this
work, what your natural tendency is, ohmy God, I really want this to happen.
It's really gotta happen.
And you start.
To put out this, this emotion,this energy of lack, and the ether
(07:24):
out there is hearing the lack.
The law of attraction is hearingthe lack and keeping it from you.
Okay.
But if you have this attitude of,I don't care what happens now,
if something comes along the way,that's not exactly what you expected.
Instead of you saying, oh my God, it'snot happening, you start to say, maybe
I need to make a course correction.
(07:46):
And if you keep your emotionsout of it, it can it push you
into this perpetual cycle of
I love that.
So it's ask act, and attitude.
Right.
Flawless.
I love that.
And I think I'm, I'm gonnaadopt it today, . Cool.
Cool.
Cause I am a firm believer of theask, of putting the energy out there.
(08:09):
But I absolutely hear where you're saying,Martin, where some people put the ask
out there and then immediately startto give off the odor of desperation.
Exactly.
Desperation means, oh my God, I'mgonna kill myself if I don't have it.
Okay.
Lesson number three.
Stop, think, respond.
(08:31):
So, I love what you're doing here becauseyou have a lot of threes, and it's very
simple to adopt, very simple to act upon.
And I, I imagine it just shows results.
So talk to me about stop, think, respond.
So, yeah, I do have threes and I havefours as well, but yeah, a lot of threes.
(08:51):
So when your childrenwere growing up Okay.
As my children and maybe us two, I don'tknow, and the firemen would come to
school and teach the children fire safety.
They tell 'em, they teach 'em three words.
To think about when you're ina fire, in an emergency fire.
Do you remember whatthose three words are?
(09:12):
Can we say 'em together?
Sure.
1, 2, 3.
Stop, stop.
Drop, drop And roll And roll.
Right.
, stop what you're doing.
Drop to the ground below thesmoke and roll away from the,
from the emergency, from the fire.
Okay.
So I was somebody who was avery, reactive type of a person.
(09:35):
I would react to everything to the pointthat I was, I would overreact to the
point that I was like a nuclear reactor.
, because I took things personallyand as a result, I was a controlled
freak and I was a people pleaser,and I had a short temper.
So while I was going throughmy divorce, I was also going
through life coach training.
(09:56):
And it was God's way of saying,this is what you need to do.
You know, you're down andthere's more to the story.
Be before that, maybewe'll get to some of it.
But I was really at a low point alreadywhen my wife asked for the divorce.
And you know, I, I was, I hadso much lack of self-confidence,
self-awareness, self-love, that I wasafraid of never being married again.
(10:18):
I afraid nobody wouldever love me and all that.
So I went into this coaching and I hadalready admitted to myself that I want
to change who I am professionally.
But then when I got there that firstweek and they go, before you could
talk to coach others, you gotta figureout what's going on in yourself.
And that led me to, to this.
So I took stop, drop, and roll.
(10:38):
And as I was.
Putting my course together, Irealized I was working with a
coach to help me develop my course.
And he said, well, what did you do to getyou to stop reacting and start responding?
And I said to him, well, you know,like a fireman stop, drop and roll.
I came up with stop,think, and respond, right?
(10:59):
Because I was alwaysshoot first ask questions.
So now I said, and, and this camethrough as I was going through coaching.
I was going through my divorce andI was noticing the, the buttons that
she would push, whether consciouslyor unconsciously, to get me going.
(11:19):
For example, she would say, you know,we're in the middle of something
and she'd call me up or whatever,and she'd say, I don't wanna fight.
But now for years she used that.
and to me it meant let'sget ready to rumble . Okay.
And I would say, okay,I guess we're fighting.
And I would, my, my emotions wouldgo up and I would start fighting.
(11:41):
And it was easy for her to then turnaround and say, you started the fight.
I said, I don't wanna fight.
But right now, like I said, I'm notgonna say she did that consciously.
She probably really meant, Iwant to tell you something and
I don't want you to get upset.
Which would then that would happen.
So now that I was more awareof my feelings, I recognized
(12:06):
that that's what I was doing.
So I stopped and I said, okay,she, what do I need to do?
I gotta listen a little better, andI gotta listen to what she's saying
and recognize where's it coming from?
Am I taking it personally?
So on and so forth.
And then respond.
So once I recognized that, that'swhat I was doing, I came up
with stop, think, and respond.
(12:26):
you know, one of the things that struckme when, when you talked about this is.
Everyone I think in the world has theiridea of how the different sexes handle
a, a breakup or a relationship challenge.
and I think unfortunately, a lot of thetimes, the man has always seemed as, you
(12:49):
know, cold or distant or, in most cases.
he started it, you know, he,he checked out before I did,
or, those kinds of things.
The vulnerability that youshowed by saying, men think the
same things that women do whenrelationships are falling apart.
What?
I'm afraid of the future.
(13:10):
I'm afraid of the futurewithout this person.
I'm afraid of the future by myself.
What does it mean foranother relationship?
Will I have another relationship?
I think women, I think we think we'rethe only ones that think that way and.
It is not true, and I'm so glad youbrought that up and mentioned it, and I
wish that more men were strong enough.
(13:31):
Yeah.
We're gonna, we're gonna changethat narrative instead of saying
vulnerable, say strong, strongenough to admit these things.
Because I think that theconversations, but would be richer
even if they don't, even if theystill end up in the separation.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A hundred percent.
You know what I mean?
I, I IAnd and it's interestingthat you brought up the word
vulnerable and strong because.
(13:53):
I actually wrote a blog, Idon't know, a few months ago
that's on my website about that.
Be a Man has new Meaning.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes.
When I was growing up in theseventies and eighties, all right.
It was the time of Macho Man.
You know, and all that.
And before that, in the forties,fifties, sixties, men didn't show
their emotions because if theydid, they were looked at as weak.
(14:16):
Yeah.
You never ask for help and youheld your emotions in, I was an
emotional kid when I was growing up.
I was always an emotional kidand my father would say, don't
worry about it so much, . But thatwas the times that he had, and I
really took everything personally.
Now I've learned.
Temper that, but thanks tosomebody like Brene Brown.
(14:37):
Yes.
Who brought the wordvulnerability out of the closet.
Whereas at the time we wouldlook at vulnerability as a
weakness, and now you're so right.
When you show your vulnerability, youshow your authenticity, you're showing
you can be strong while having emotions.
So thank you for bringing that up.
I am.
I'm thanking you for bringing it up.
(14:57):
It, it's a revelation and Ihope our viewers and listeners
take something away from that.
So, lesson's number four.
Reframe your meaning of L.I.F.E andlife in your acronym, which is, once
again, tell us what that acronym is.
So LIFE stands for me for live,incredibly full every day.
(15:17):
Love it.
And you so reframe your meaning ofliving incredibly full every day.
Tell us about that.
So, as I was going through my divorce andcoming out the other side, I immediately
became a divorced recovery coach.
Made sense.
I just came through a divorce and thethings I had learned had helped me.
(15:38):
Get through the divorce.
And I did this for a few years andlike you said, it was interesting
cuz I, I couldn't get too many menclients cuz they didn't want to admit
their feelings and so on and so forth.
But I still had clientsand so on and so forth.
And then I looked in the mirror one dayand I wasn't happy with the way I looked.
I wasn't happy with the way I felt.
My coaching was just a side job inmy regular job was a dead end job.
(16:00):
And I was allowing all thosethings to hold me back and I
wasn't being coached, which was.
, every coach needs a coach at all times.
Honestly.
So I, I, I looked in the mirrorand I said, I gotta change.
I was the heaviest I ever was in my life.
I was working, I was leaving the houseat 7:00 AM getting home at 7:00 PM and I
could have easily said, I have no time.
(16:21):
But I wanted the change.
The change was strong enough in methat I said, okay, what can I do?
Oh, my friend was talking onFacebook that there's a 30 minute
video that I can do from home.
Great.
I can wake up 45 minutes earlier, workout, take a few minutes to cool down,
take a shower, and still get to work.
(16:42):
Just changed my, my time schedule.
I did that.
I started eating better.
I started reading better.
I started allowing myselfto be coached again, and in
nine months I lost 65 pounds.
Wow.
That's amazing.
But long.
Yeah.
But along with that came a new senseof self and I went from self-conscious
to self-aware, which will get alittle deeper and lesson nine.
(17:05):
Okay.
Just to give it a little tip of it, and.
I started doing things like meditating.
Now I'm ADHD.
Okay?
So imagine me being meditating,guided meditation for 10 minutes.
When is this gonna be over?
Okay.
But one of these times I had thisdownload that I loved my life and I
(17:26):
loved everything that was going on,and I wanted to help other people.
After I meditated, I wrote fortwo hours, and out of that came
life live incredibly full every
day.
It amazes me how when you're goingthrough a change or a metamorphosis
and if you had asked yourself orchallenged yourself before this
(17:47):
metamorphosis, Hey, write a book.
Hey, figure out a philosophy.
Hey, bring something to the worldthat will help it be better, you would
say, but ah, I'm not that person.
Right, right, exactly.
That actually happened to me.
Somebody turned to me andsaid, you should write a book.
I was like, me.
A week later, I got an email fromone of these emails that I was
(18:07):
on saying, my friend's holding aseminar on writing books, a webinar.
I was like, all right, lemme go on it.
I wrote my first book,recovering from divorce because
of somebody planting the seed.
So yeah, and then when I came up withL.I.F.E, my book coach, she challenged me.
She said, okay, so you haveliving incredibly full every day.
(18:28):
Now go back and find a, come up witha couple of other acronyms for LIFE.
So I was like, okay, so here's a card.
Alternate definitions.
I couldn't remember exactly what it said.
love intensely, fiercely,and effortlessly.
Leadership inspires fearless energy.
Luck is innovated from experience,lasting improvement favors everyone.
(18:52):
And there's another few of them, but Ijust gave you a couple of them there.
And they all go together.
Yeah, they all go together.
I love it.
Lesson number five.
this is the one where our, our New Yorkeraccents might get the better of us, eh, so
let's, let's do this lesson number five.
Lose the Worrier andfind the Warrior in you.
(19:12):
That's right.
That's right.
So I have two cards on this.
One is the warrior mindset, which isbasically 20 affirmations You can.
To get yourself into a warrior mindset,I am open and ready to be positive.
I am control of my feelings.
No matter how hard it is.
I can do it.
(19:33):
And down the line, positive things.
I deserve to be happy.
I'm a kind person.
I have the power to be happy.
I'm grateful for what I have.
It's okay if I make a mistake.
I like myself for who I am.
Today is gonna be a great day.
So viewers and listeners, I, Iwant, I want you to take this in.
I know there's gonna be some of you thatare saying affirmations, they're stupid.
(19:57):
What do they do?
They're just words.
But I challenge you because youknow what, how silly you feel
if you say, I am deserving.
Right?
How silly you feel when you saythat out loud in the mirror.
You don't feel silly subconsciouslywhen you say, why'd you do that, idiot?
Right when you did, it's so easy to demeanyourself and say horrible things that
(20:19):
you would never say to another person.
Yeah.
So easy to say that in your head.
Why can't you flip that narrative andbe able to embrace those affirmations.
and say them and mean them as fiercelyas you meant the negative stuff.
You'd be surprised whatit does to your mindset.
Yep.
And, and how you interact in the world.
(20:39):
Yep.
We're gonna save the otherone for less than seven.
Okay.
Cause I, I flipped them byaccident, but it's all good.
Okay.
All right.
Let's take a quick break.
I'd like to take a short break tothank our affiliate partner, audible.
Audible is an amazing way to consume10 lessons learned books and other
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(21:03):
You can start your 30 day free trial bygoing to audibletrial.com/10essonslearned.
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Once again, that'saudibletrial.com/10lessonslearned all
lowercase for a free 30 day trial.
(21:24):
The link will be in the show notes.
Let's welcome back Martin Salamaand continue with lesson number six.
Lesson number six.
Incorporate your new mindsetin your finances so you can.
In financial abundance.
Let's take it away.
All right.
All right.
So I, I kind of put.
(21:46):
towards the middle end of my coursebecause you first gotta understand
the importance of a abundance in otherareas of your life because finances
always end up being the sticking point.
Oh, I can't, oh, I can't afford it.
And you start to tostruggle with yourself.
So I basically said, no matterwhat your financial status is at
(22:06):
this moment, there's at least alittle bit of financial insecurity.
The mindset of financial abundanceseems to be one of the more difficult
mindsets, to achieve for most people.
That's totally understandable.
Start by taking a percentage.
So here it is.
I say take 40% of the money thatyou have coming in every day.
(22:28):
No matter what, how manydollars you get in take 40%.
Some people say 40%, I can't do it.
Start with 20%, whatever the numberis, but your goal should be 40% down
the line because they go, oh my God,I can't live on what I'm living now.
Try it.
You're gonna find after you startto do this and you start putting
this 40% away, that you're ableto live on the 60% just as easily.
(22:50):
It's just that your mindset isset in telling you you can't.
And then what do you do with the 40%?
You set up four separateaccounts, 10% each.
Big purchases.
Like for example, I wanna buy a car.
Okay, you gotta put moneytowards that next one, fun money.
Do something fun, and don't let thisaccumulate more than 90 days because
(23:10):
you've got to put fun into your life.
Oh, if you're not, you're not going.
Right next, giving to others charityand then golden goose slash emergency
slash paydown debt, whatever it is.
Once you finish paying down your debt,you've got some emergency money, and
really what you wanna do is have it foryour golden goose down the road, invest it
(23:32):
into something else, so on and so forth.
Now, it's very rare that I hear someonesay the second part of what you said
with the fun money, which is don'tjust save it and continuously save it.
Challenge yourself to use it every 90days because you need to treat yourself.
I think that is the crux of whypeople don't wanna set aside money.
(23:57):
Including 40% of their earnings.
It's because if I dothat, how do I have fun?
I'm not gonna have fun.
Right.
Exactly.
And you see what I have over here.
This sign over here, it says,never get so busy making a living.
That you forget to make a life.
Yeah.
Oh man.
When I saw that, I'mlike, oh my God, life.
(24:18):
I have to get this
and I like the buckets.
I like the buckets because they'resimple, they're meaningful.
and I find a lot of the gurus thattell you, you need to save and
why and what you need to save for.
They're speaking the truth.
But the reality is people areliving in the now and they're
(24:40):
not living in the future.
And so all of the things that they'retalking about retirement, you know,
your stocks, IRAs, Most people say,well, yeah, that's all well and good,
but I got, I gotta eat right now.
You know?
Right.
And I don't wanna, I grew up eatinghot dogs and, and pork and beans.
I want to eat filet mignon right now,and I have the salary that I can do that.
(25:04):
And so it kind of takes away fromthat process of, well, you're gonna
live a lot longer than you think.
Mm-hmm.
. That's right.
And you're not gonna be ableto work that whole time.
And so That's Right.
What are you gonna do?
Exactly.
you're gonna, you're gonnalive on social security.
Yeah.
, you know what if.
If that is your plan, if, if listenersand viewers, if your plan is to live on
(25:29):
social security alone in your retirementyears, and, and I know, retirement
means something different in all thedifferent countries that listen in to us.
But in the US if your goal is tolive off Social Security, then I.
That you can cut 40% out right now,because you'll be doing it later anyway,
(25:50):
so you might as well start right now.
. That's right,
. All right.
Lesson number
seven.
Okay, so now seven.
We're gonna talk about thefind the warrior within you
because we did the affirmations.
Yes.
Number six, number five.
Yeah.
Lesson than number seven, use thewarrior mindset affirmations every day,
(26:11):
right?
So we did that.
So now we're gonna talk about L Losethe worrier and find the warrior in you.
Okay.
So I had, I took the word warriorand broke it down to another acronym.
Okay.
Number one, w seek wisdom.
You never know enough.
There's always more to learn.
And when you say, I know you'rereally saying, no, I'm not interested.
(26:35):
Oh, powerful,
right?
Imagine when someone tells you something.
I know.
I know.
You're shutting them down cuz Iknow you don't have to tell me.
So have some wisdom number.
The A is act.
Ask an attitude.
We went over that R realization.
Be content with what you have.
(26:57):
Have a mindset of I have everything.
That doesn't mean that you don'tdesire more, but love what you do
have without saying, oh my God,I need that, and that and that.
Next, recognize or be grateful.
Gratitude.
Be grateful for everything in your life.
I imagination.
Think.
(27:17):
You know Norman Vincent Peele,the power of positive thinking
said, shoot for the stars.
You may hit the moon.
Optimism.
Find optimism, positivityin everything you do.
Wear rose colored glasses and then r.
Resilient, be flexible and have an openmind because as we said, you may be doing
act, act an an attitude and somethingcomes and says, okay, this isn't the
(27:41):
route you're supposed to be taking.
You need to make a course correction.
So be resilient, be ready to change.
So what I'm getting, and I lovethis, you're taking that word
warrior and you're removing.
The fight.
Anytime somebody says, you gotta bea warrior, that means that head on.
You are fighting for something.
(28:01):
Someone.
Yeah.
And it is less about you embracingyourself and enhancing yourself,
and it more about fighting.
Yes.
You're breaking down eachletter and giving it a word that
internalizes it and challenges youto make yourself a better person.
Right.
Martin, you're a smart man,
(28:24):
thank you.
Thank you.
Well, lemme tell you wherethe warrior part came up.
So here we are.
I have this life in lifestuff that I did right?
I told, I told you howI came up with life.
Live incredibly full everyday and I'm living every, this
is night 20 14, 20 15, 20 16.
And I'm living great and I'm dating.
I started dating and while I'm going onthese dates, I'm looking for women who
(28:46):
have the same values cuz I learned so muchabout values in And I never realized how
important values were until afterwards.
And I don't mean this in the wrongway, but if I knew my values when
I was in my twenties, I might nothave married my wife, my first wife.
I love my four children,don't get me wrong.
But, you know, I'm not regretting it.
I'm just saying I'm, I might have gonea different path, So now I'm doing
(29:06):
this, I'm dating and I meet somebodywho's checking off all the box.
I'm like, oh my God, this is fantastic.
Month into it.
I'm really loving this person.
I'm, and I tell her, Igotta tell you something.
You don't have to say it back to me.
I'm falling in love with you because Isee you as you are, and you see me as I
am, and you're not looking to change me.
So when we get married twoyears later, now comes 2020.
(29:29):
Something happens in 2020, right?
Oh,
, something happened that challenged everybody's relationships.
Yes.
Continue.
Oh, everybody's, everything.
Everything.
It was basically everybody was runningaround like they were chicken little,
the sky is falling and now it's May.
And we were always supposed to bein lockdown for a couple of weeks
and now it's a couple of months andpeople are like, what is going on?
(29:53):
And they're all worried.
And I'm looking at 'em saying,why is everybody worried or
better ask , why am I not worried?
why is my wife not worried?
And I realized that the last 10, 12 yearsof my life, through the negatives that I'd
gone through in 2008, when the financialwill fell apart, I lost everything.
Every penny I had by thetime I got back on my feet.
(30:14):
Mentally.
My wife said, I want a divorce on our24th wedding anniversary I was down.
I decided to go through coaching.
I transformed myself from 1.0 Martin intoMartin 2.0, and I was loving life even.
And I realized that what happenedwas is that the last 12 years
had prepared me for anything.
(30:36):
Even Covid.
Wow.
I got out to Facebook andI said, guys, I get it.
I know why.
You are all worried I was there.
So let me show you how to go frombeing a worrier to a warrior, because
a warrior is somebody who's gone,who's been down, has faced adversity,
and become stronger as a result of it.
Amazing, amazing lesson number eight.
(31:00):
The true meaning of rationalizeand how it's self sabotaging you.
Ooh, I found this so interesting.
Let's go.
So, okay, so now lemmego back a little bit.
I was 10 years old.
I had a tragedy in my life.
Mm-hmm.
I lost my brother.
My five year old brother was killedin a, in a school bus accident.
I have four older sistersand it's just me as the boy.
(31:23):
I come from the Jewish community.
Boys are everything.
Okay, you are gonna carry onthe name, you are gonna carry
on the legacy, blah, blah, blah.
Now I lost my brother.
It's all up to me.
At that moment, I became a people pleaser.
With that came a lot of other things.
Over the years, I became, Itook everything personally.
I was I was short-tempered.
I was a control freak.
So as a people pleaser, I would dothings and I would rationalize that why
(31:47):
I'm doing them is for the greater good.
It took me about 40 plus yearsto recognize that that word
rationalize was me self sabotaging.
Because it's really, and thisis something I've, I've, I've
trademarked it's two words.
It's rational lies.
(32:09):
Rational lies.
You lie to yourself that you'redoing something that goes against
what you really believe because it'srational to do these things because
it's for the greater good, or you'regonna make the other person happy,
or your ego is getting in your way.
Whatever it is, you tell yourselfa lie, that it's rational.
Like, oh, I have no time to exercise.
(32:31):
You could find the timeif you really want to.
So now when you make thoseexcuses say to youself.
Is it a reason or is it a rational liethat is really an excuse in disguise?
Viewers and listeners,take that away today.
Ask yourself, is it a rationallie or is it a real reason?
(32:54):
So powerful, so powerful.
Lesson number nine.
Be clear about self-consciousversus self-aware.
Yep.
So as I was looking back over my lifeand when I went through Coaching and
the coaching program I went to wasnot like one of these one day, two day
(33:15):
weekend things and you're all done.
It was almost a year.
Because you really needed to learn theskills, learn about yourself, learn about
how to approach your clients and all that.
And then as I went through that and thenfound myself a few years later looking
back and saying, why am I so heavy?
Why am I so unhappy?
Whatever.
And I started to make this transformation.
(33:37):
I started to go from beingself-conscious to self-aware.
So to me, I made a card on it.
Self consciousness comes froma place of negative energy,
guilt, conflict, and doubt.
Self consciousness ismore outward directed.
It's being more concerned about whatothers are thinking of you and how
the situation is going to affect you.
You probably react to uncomfortablesituations instead of respond.
(34:01):
Stop think and respond.
Self-awareness comes from a placeof positive energy acceptance,
contentment, self-assuredness.
Self-awareness is more inward facing.
You have an accurate and realisticunderstanding of how you are responding
to situations and how you feel aboutthings, and it goes on for both of them.
(34:23):
But that just gives you an ideawhen you make that shift from
self-conscious to self-aware.
, you are recognizing thatyou are in control of where
you're going with yourself.
So before we get into our lastlesson, I wanna talk about
what we've learned so far.
And I wanna ask you, Martin, you know,you had a, a, a life changing event.
(34:45):
You had a shift, you had adivorce, 24 years of marriage.
You had to really almostreinvent yourself, right?
What about the people out there thateverything's status quo and by status
quo, I mean, they're not sad, they'renot happy, they're just living.
(35:06):
And in order to take this journeyand change there's no trigger.
An outside trigger for them, theyreally have to do it themselves and
they have to do it in an environmentthat may not be changing around them.
Right, right, right.
Absolutely.
I get that.
How does it work?
Well, first thing is, are they feelinglike they're in their own comfort zone?
(35:28):
Because that's not a good place to be.
When you're in your comfort zonemeans you're not willing to get
uncomfortable to change what's goingon, and you just accept what's going.
So you gotta get uncomfortableto get more comfort.
That makes
sense.
It does.
It does.
And I think it's applicable to somany of the things we mentioned
today, including exercising, right?
(35:50):
That's right.
Everybody wants the body.
Nobody wants the pain and the the,
they don't want the sacrifice.
Right.
You just want the reward.
Exactly.
And it, and it's so funny, I vle with you.
Whether or not I'm gonna be the avidperson that works out every day, right?
. And I notice that, likeas you said, excuses, huh?
(36:12):
I don't have time.
I, I'm doing so many different things.
I have these meetings, but, but I'llfind time to stand in the Starbucks line.
That's right.
That's right.
I got my time for that.
And that's where I found having a coachfor me was the best thing to happen to me.
and for my clients, because Ibecame their accountability partner.
(36:32):
Mm-hmm.
, my coaches, became myaccountability partner whereas.
When you have to answer to your boss, toyour wife, to your children, to everybody
else, they're your accountability.
You're accountable to them.
But when it comes to answeringto yourself, it's very easily to
rationalize or just say, I can't do it.
You know, come up with the excuses why.
(36:52):
It's just okay, so it's not for me.
Everybody else gets what they want.
You gotta put the mask on yourself first.
, you know the airplane mask.
It's true.
It's so true.
And it's not selfish.
No, I dare say it's not because Ithink the most selfish thing is to not
address who you really wanna be and, gothrough your entire life and all of your
(37:15):
most significant relationships beinga person you really don't wanna be.
I you're not giving the best true selfto the other person that you love.
Right.
You know, so, so people ask me who,who, what's my client look like?
I said, it's that person whofeels the something off, but
they're not sure they have thislike existential crisis going on.
(37:35):
Yeah.
Saying, is this all there is?
And you know what my answer to them is?
Yes, , but it's how you are looking at it.
Oh, you know how many gurus say,no, this is not all there is.
You can blah, blah, blah.
No, I love that answer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is all there is.
What are you gonna do about it?
(37:59):
Oh, I love it.
Lesson number 10.
Build your emotional strength to keepyour feelings from ruling your actions.
Now as a reformed, angry New Yorker, I cantell you that I learned this the hard way.
So, Lean into this one for us.
Okay, too.
So I, I have this spread out in my course.
(38:20):
First it teach, stop, think, and respond.
And there's, there'sthings that they learned.
There's, the cards.
There's even a scorecard forthe stop, think, and respond to
see how you're doing with it.
Okay?
But then you need to go deeper.
But before you go deeper, you gottafirst recognize the things you're And
I'm gonna be honest with you, whenyou're doing, stop, think, and respond.
And when you're gonna dothis, you're gonna fail.
(38:42):
You're gonna fail overand over and over again.
But what's happening is as you becomemore aware of it, you're going to
fail a hundred percent, 98%, 97%.
And it'll start to decreasebecause it's like muscle.
Brain muscle memory.
So I came up with another acronym forlife to Build your Emotional Strength so
(39:05):
that your, you could rule your emotionsinstead of your emotions ruling you.
Because how many people have hadtheir emotions rule them in the past
and then say, oh my God, I can'tbelieve I did this, blah, blah, blah.
Right?
So now I took L.
Listen to your inner voice andacknowledge your feelings or emotions,
(39:26):
because to me, there's a differencebetween emotions and feelings.
An emotion is somethingthat happens like that.
I'm feeling angry, I'm feelinganxious, I'm feeling mad.
I'm feeling sad.
I'm feeling happy.
And then what kind ofanger are you feeling?
Is it strong where you're enraged, oris it life where your little ticked off.
(39:47):
So in my course, I give them a chartand across the top of the emotions,
and then each one has a column withstrong, medium, and light emotions.
So I say, okay, listento your inner voice.
Recognize what you're feeling,what your emotions are.
Then identify what kind of feelings theyare, what kind of feelings are these?
(40:08):
Are they strong, medium,light, put a word to them.
Enraged, ticked off, miffed,whatever it is, right?
And there's a list.
There's like 20 or 30 foreach one of these things.
L listen to your inner voice.
I identify your feelings.
F find out why.
Ask yourself questions.
(40:29):
Be like you're on trial with yourself.
Cross-examine.
Why am I feeling this?
Is it helping me or hurting me?
Who did it to me?
Why did I allow them to do it?
Blah, whatever thosequestions are, write it down.
They get a sheet, they get a worksheet.
Write these things down, and thenE engage and change and take So
(40:50):
that sounds all good in theory.
How about if I give you an exampleof how I used it in my life?
Let's go.
All right, so here I am.
I'm divorced about two years, and my son'sgetting married, and we have a tradition.
It doesn't happen all the time.
Now I'm living in New York.
My ex and my children, for themost part are living in New Jersey.
They come to me every once in a whileand my son happened to be living with
(41:13):
me because he was going to Baruchat the time, which is in New York,
but for the weekend he went to NewJersey the weekend before his wedding.
And we have this tradition wheresometimes we do it, sometimes we don't.
And I thought we had decided not todo it, to have a Saturday lunch after
they go to synagogue on Shabbat, havelunch for the, for the bride and groom.
My son comes home after the weekendand says, dad, I'm so sorry.
(41:37):
I didn't know that mommy was makinga lunch and you weren't there.
Now the old me first thing Isaid to him, it's not your issue.
It's your mother.
The old me would've picked up thephone three days before the wedding
and would've said, who the heck do youthink youre blah blah ? That was me.
(41:58):
That's what I did.
I reacted.
So I said, let me think about this.
How do I feel?
I feel angry.
Okay, what kind of anger am I feeling?
Great anger why?
So, L I was feeling enraged.
L I was angry.
I, I identify, I was enraged.
(42:18):
F find out why, why did I feel this way?
She went behind my back.
She did these things.
She makes me know, okay.
I wrote out all these things and, and thenI went engage in change and take action.
So here's where it came into.
The old me would've done that.
And what would've happened at the wedding?
Two days later, I would've been upset.
(42:40):
She would've been upset,he would've been upset.
Everybody would've heard about it,the family, the kids, everybody.
And I'd be the bad guy.
So I waited.
So my action was, I wrotedown, what am I gonna do?
And I said, I'm gonna waituntil after the wedding.
Two days after the wedding,I picked up the phone and I
said, this is what you did.
This was the message that you sent.
I was, it was controlled anger.
(43:00):
People think life coaching is to teachyou how to be happy and never have anger.
Right.
It doesn't work that way.
Yes.
It's never gonna benever angry, never said.
It's how you control those emotionswhen they come and I called her up
and I told her these things and I got.
My 2 cents out and I ended it.
And this was a defining moment for me.
(43:22):
I said to her at the end of theconversation, thank you for divorcing me.
Because until that moment, there wasstill this little thing of maybe we could
get together, maybe I could figure it.
We were just never right for each other.
We were in a co-dependent relationship.
I had been the people pleaser for 25plus years, cuz we actually got divorced
finally after our 25th anniversary.
(43:43):
So officially we weremarried for 25 years.
But at, at that moment, I was done.
I had graduated myself to the next level.
So viewers and listeners, I want youto take away from that story, right?
We've got several things going on.
The first thing, I I would like to putout there is Martin is absolutely right.
(44:06):
This is a process, right?
It's not something that you're gonnamaster with your first, interaction
with figuring out where you are onthe emotional scale and how to deal
with it, but, . I also know thatmost of the time when people are
triggered, they're triggered in, inthe moment, in that situation, in a
conversation with the other person.
(44:27):
And unfortunately, we are not ata point in our lives as a species
where we can say, hold off.
I gotta go in a corner somewhereand write down my life.
I gotta write down these issues.
Right?
And so what you can say is, Thisconversation is not going, you know,
it's not, it's not becoming healthy.
It's, it's devolving and I thinkI might be contributing to that.
(44:50):
I don't know what my part is, butI've gotta go figure that out.
Before we continue this conversation.
You can say, let's stop.
Let's take a break.
Let's pick this up another time,and then set the date and time.
I think, Martin, you'll agree that notonly does that let the other person know
that you're not trying to dismiss them,but it also holds you accountable to
(45:12):
figuring that out before you meet again.
Absolutely.
And it's something that you willhave to practice and it's something
that will make you uncomfortable.
And for some of us, and I'm gonnaput myself in that category, I went
through a similar transformation withthe way I communicated with people
and the first few times of practicingit, Martin, I, I, I'm not gonna call
(45:37):
it any other way, I felt like a simp.
I felt like, ah, you know, I'm,I'm not, I'm not the same old
Diana that used to curse you outand didn't think twice about it.
You know, right now I'm, I'm all niceynicey trying to get the win-win out of it.
Oh, I'm such a sucker.
No, no.
I was learning how to communicatebetter and it changed my life.
(46:00):
That's right.
That's right.
And you know what, on the back.
On the back cover card, it sayssomething that made me think of you.
Don't proclaim to the world.
Look at me.
The new me.
Nobody wants to hear what you have to say.
They wanna see what you do.
There you go.
(46:21):
There you go.
Right here's a, there's a look.
I didn't get into a fightwith you just now, right?
Right.
You just called the elephant in the room.
Hello?
Let the elephants sit in the corner.
Leave 'em alone.
Yeah.
The, it really truly boils downto this is not about winning the
argument, winning the discussion.
Right, right.
(46:42):
This is not about be comingout the bigger, better person.
This is about, I have some feelingsand things that I need to say.
I'm gonna say it in a manner that youcan receive, that it can calmly be heard.
And then I don't care whatyou do with it after that.
That was for me.
You don't receive it.
That's on you.
That was for me.
(47:03):
Right?
? I love it.
Exactly.
Oh my goodness.
This was
Now, did she receive it?
I don't know.
And I don't care.
There you go.
There you go.
What?
Right.
In hindsight, I do have tosay right now, and this also
something that's in my course.
I didn't really talk about it here.
It's not in the cards, I don'tthink, but it's in my book and it's
in my course is I learned how totell myself a new story about her.
(47:25):
Mm.
And that helped me to get toa point now where we have a
pretty darn good relationship.
I love it.
it.
She's married.
I'm married to different people.
I, I love it.
And you know what?
I, I dare say, yeah.
I'm a firm believer andeverything happens for a reason.
And, I do believe that when you spendso much time with someone and you create
(47:50):
life together, you know, not just alife together, but you're creating
children, you're creating life together.
Yeah.
, even if the relationship doesn't lastas originally intended, you've done
something fundamentally to each other.
Mm-hmm.
that hopefully will help the next partner,
(48:11):
right.
Yeah.
Help you be better for the next partner.
Exactly.
And that was part of what I had.
. What my coaching, when I was doing rerecovering from divorce was explaining
to people, if you don't change yourselfwhen you get into a relationship,
you're gonna end up marrying somebodyexactly like the person you were
married to, just in a different body.
(48:33):
Because you attract what you'relooking for, and if you don't
change what you're looking for,you're gonna get the same thing.
Well, this has been absolutelyamazing, but I gotta hit
you with one more question.
oh.
Here it comes,
. What?
I mean, you have formed so much knowledge.
(48:55):
What have you had to unlearn?
I had to unlearn that Idon't know everything.
Mm-hmm.
and that I'm not always
I love that.
And that, and that is, thatis hard for anyone to admit.
But I, I gotta say, I hate to keepbringing regional back up, but it's
particularly hard for a New Yorker,
. That's right.
(49:15):
That's right.
Forget about it.
So, so I applaud that for sure.
Martin, it has been a pleasure.
This, this has been a great episodefor me because it has been, Not only
enlightening, but affirming becausea lot of the things you talk about,
I had to get to through trial anderror, and it just feels so good to
(49:40):
know that there's somebody out there.
You know, this is what we do.
This is why we created 10lessons so that people can learn
from other people's journeys.
Right?
And.
I'm so glad you're out there withyour program, helping people go
through these journeys and not do itthe hard way or the hard-headed way.
Right.
That the way I did, as I should say.
(50:00):
Gotcha.
Yep.
Yep.
Oh, well, I wanna thank myguest, Martin Salama for sharing
his lessons with us today.
Thank you so much.
You, you are, you are amazing.
And, and I'm, I'm probably gonnabe one of the first ones to get
in there and buy buy the book.
I tell you that.
Thank you.
Oh, it's easy to get the book.
It's easy to get the cards.
(50:20):
Let's go to connect with martin.com.
Oh goodness.
So say it one more time for us sowe can put it up on the screen.
Sure.
It's connect with martin.com.
When you go there, you'll.
A link to the cards, a link tothe pre-launch of the book, and
when you get that, you'll get thefirst three, you know, chapters
(50:41):
and, and some, some free gifts.
you'll also get a link to, you know,if you want free gift, like imagine
if I should told you, how wouldyou like those seven Steps of the
Warrior in a coloring book for adults.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would like that.
Oh lot.
And I also, I also have itthere for kids too, cuz that's
what it started out as being.
And then I made one for adults too.
(51:01):
Oh wow.
So those are some of the links whenyou go to connect with martin.com.
But, but we'll get thoseaffirmation cards too, right?
Well, they're, they're in the cards.
Oh, the cards are there Right at the top.
You can link on it and, and buy thecards and get 'em shipped right to you.
I'd love it.
I love.
Thank you.
You've been listeningto 10 Lessons Learned.
This episode is produced by RobertHossary, supported as always by
(51:26):
the Professional Development Forum.
Please tell us what youthink of today's lessons.
You can email us atpodcast@10lessonslearned.com.
That's podcast@10lessonslearned.com.
Go ahead and hit that like buttonsubscribe and turn on the notification
bell so you don't miss an episodeof the only show that makes the
(51:48):
world wiser lesson by lesson.
Thank you, Martin.
Thank you, Diana.
Be safe, everybody.
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