December 2, 2024 • 41 mins
Ever found yourself zoning out during a crucial family moment or overwhelmed by a whirlwind of tasks that seem impossible to control? You’re not alone. In this episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, I open up about my journey navigating fatherhood while living with ADHD—an often misunderstood condition that deeply affects emotions, relationships, and parenting.
We unpack the subtle ways ADHD shows up in fathers: impulsivity, disorganization, and the constant battle to remain present. These challenges can strain co-parenting dynamics, weaken emotional bonds, and create barriers to supportive communication with loved ones. But through personal stories and practical strategies, this episode offers hope and clarity.
Join me as we explore how ADHD has impacted my own relationships and family life, and how tools like structured routines, time-blocking apps, and intentional habit-building have made a difference. Discover how these changes have improved not only my focus and self-care, but also the emotional resilience and security I provide as a dad.
We go beyond coping mechanisms to talk about the power of presence. Learn about the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, using your senses to engage more fully with your family, and how simple healthy habits can become the anchor for lasting family empowerment. We also discuss the importance of seeking mental health support—whether through therapy, ADHD coaching, or connecting with other fathers walking similar paths.
If you’re a father trying to manage ADHD, this episode is packed with the real talk, tools, and encouragement you need to reconnect with your purpose and lead your family with intention.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome back to another episode of 15 minutes
with dad, the podcast where wedive into the realities of
fatherhood, co parenting andeverything in between.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,and today we're tackling a topic
that doesn't get nearly enoughattention, but it impacts so
many fathers and their familiesADHD and fathers and how it
(00:23):
affects parenting.
Adhd in fathers and how itaffects parenting Parenting is
hard enough on its own, but whenyou add ADHD into the mix, it
can present unique challengesboth for you as a father and for
the people around you.
Adhd, or attention deficithyperactivity disorder, isn't
just something that affects kids.
Many adults live with it, oftenwithout even realizing it.
(00:46):
For fathers, undiagnosed oruntreated ADHD can impact
relationships, work and, mostimportantly, your role as a
parent.
In today's episode, we'll talkabout how to recognize the signs
of ADHD in fathers, commonpitfalls men with ADHD face in
parenting and marriage, how itcan directly impact your family
(01:09):
and, most importantly, the toolsand systems you can use to
navigate it successfully.
Whether you've been diagnosedor you suspect this might apply
to you or someone you know, thisepisode is packed with insights
and actionable advice, and I'mgoing to give you guys a lot of
anecdotes from my personal life,because I am a father
(01:29):
navigating ADHD and I havechallenges as well with all
different parts of my life, andthese tools that I'm going to
talk to you today are thingsthat I actually implement into
my life on a daily basis.
So let's get into it.
(01:54):
Spotting signs of ADHD infathers ADHD in men doesn't
always look like the hyperactivekid who can't sit still.
It's often more subtle.
Here are some common signs tolook out for.
One difficulty stayingorganized.
You might find it hard to keeptrack of schedules, appointments
or even day-to-dayresponsibilities.
Maybe you frequently forgetthings like picking up your kids
or paying bills on time, and Ican attest to this because I
(02:17):
struggle with parts of thisquite often.
Especially when I was a singledad before I got into my
relationship, I had hard timekeeping up with my schedules and
appointments and day-to-dayresponsibilities, even keeping
up with my wallet, because I hadto keep up with my phone, my
wallet and my keys.
That was probably one of thefirst signs that I was like yo,
(02:39):
this is not easy.
Something is like off, I'mmissing something, because I
would either forget one of thosethings, and so what I had to do
is I had to take those piecesaway.
So now I don't have to thinkabout my wallet because my
wallet is my phone, and then I'musually using my email quite
often, so I never lose my phoneand I never lose my wallet.
(03:03):
Now the keys I keep the keys inthe exact same spot every
single solitary day.
I do not move it from that spot.
If it's moved from that spot,it disrupts my morning and I
have to go find it.
I have to backtrack my day,which takes a long time.
But difficulty stayingorganized is a common trait of
(03:25):
ADHD, and it's not about like,oh my God, I can't stay focused,
but more so these tasks thatrequire executive function to be
done or executive function tobe had makes it difficult for
these tasks to be completedbecause there's no immediate
dopamine behind it.
(03:45):
And speaking of dopamine, thisbrings me to number two
impulsivity.
This might show up as sayingthings without thinking, making
rash decisions or juststruggling to control emotional
reactions, especially in highstress situations.
And this is something Ispecifically have a problem with
is that when somebody's talkingand they're taking a long time
(04:09):
to finish what they're saying,I'm already finishing their
sentence and I'm just trying tomove the conversation along.
So I would butt in and say therest of their sentence and not
letting them finish theirthought.
And it actually frustrates mewhen people do this to me, and
so I can.
I know that it frustrates me,so I know that it frustrates
other people when I do that aswell, and so I've worked really
hard on trying to grab my handsor put my hands on my lap, to
(04:35):
just listen and squint my eyes,even though I know what they're
going to finish saying, allowingthem to finish their choice.
But impulsivity this thing canliterally ruin a relationship.
Impulsivity can be a good thingsometimes when you're being
spontaneous, but impulsivity islike buying things without
thinking about the budget ormaking a decision, just to get
(04:58):
immediate feeling like, oh, Iwant to make this person feel
happy, so I'm going to do thisbig kind gesture that they may
not have wanted.
Or reacting harshly inhigh-stress situations or
freaking out or screamingbecause your stress is so high
in that moment.
The most common one that peopleknow about is the difficulty
(05:19):
focusing.
Many fathers with ADHD struggleto stay present during
conversations, especially ifthey're distracted by work or
other stressors.
You might notice yourselfzoning out during family time or
struggling to finish tasks thatyou've started and for me, I
tend to have like this reallystrong active dialogue in my
(05:42):
head in certain situations,especially in conversations that
don't necessarily interest me.
But if I have things like workor other stressors, I might kind
of be thinking about those ornavigating those or thinking
through those a couple of timeson how I'm going to fix those
problems, while I'm in aconversation with some other
(06:03):
people about something else andthen sometimes I lose the
conversation because I'm sofocused on what I need to solve
and the things I'm trying tonavigate in my other parts of my
life that actually interest me.
If I feel like I need to besomewhere better or doing
something more interesting to me, my mind tends to zone out on
(06:25):
those things and in most casesit's the most inconvenient time,
and I'll tell you about how Inavigate that later on in this
podcast.
So let's go to number fourrestlessness and hyperactivity.
Even if you're not bouncing offthe walls, you might feel like
you're always on, constantlyfidgeting or struggling to relax
(06:47):
, even during downtime.
I know for a fact that Istruggle with this because I
tend I sometimes I can't go tosleep.
It's like this moment as soonas I lay down, my brain just
starts, even in this super fastthought process, about a bunch
of random nothings, like it'lljust be going from one thought
(07:07):
to the next thought, to the nextthought to the next thought,
without an actual focus on anyof those things, and that kind
of creates this anxietyinternally that I have to
navigate.
Sometimes, when I'm going tobed or if I'm being overwhelmed
or overstimulated in anenvironment, I tend to start
thinking about all thesedifferent things that I probably
(07:28):
can't control and it becomeslike it's so important all at
once and it just completely messme up mentally and so I have to
kind of take a step back andfor me something that usually
works for me.
I like playing chess because itrequires me to sit there and
think, but it also gives me.
If I put a timer on playingchess, then I actually can have
that sense of urgency while I'mplaying and thinking, but it's
(07:52):
making me think about how toplay the game, and so I get to
use those thoughts and not thinkabout things outside but
actually think about the piecesand how I need to move those
things.
By the way, I just startedlearning chess about a couple of
months ago, so I'm a little bitaddicted.
At this point I got bit by thechess book, so I play literally
all the time and it works.
(08:12):
I could play all the time, anytime of the night.
Probably I can play 15 to 20games straight without a bump.
I play on my phone, I play withmy kids, I play with random
people at different places if Ican.
But let's move on.
So this last one, I think, isextremely vital and probably the
(08:33):
thing that causes a lot ofmisunderstanding with people, is
when a father with ADHD mightexperience emotional regulation
challenges, and this can bebrought on from other factors in
your childhood.
But this is kind of like whatstems and what wires your brain
(08:55):
to have these symptoms is thefact that you don't know how to
regulate your emotions, or youmay have trouble regulating your
emotions because of ADHD youremotions or you may have trouble
regulating your emotionsbecause of ADHD.
So fatherless ADHD mightexperience quick shifts in mood,
going from calm to frustratedor overwhelmed in literally
seconds.
This can impact how youcommunicate with your partner
(09:16):
and your children and a lot ofpeople tend to take these as
like.
This person is just crude andrude and in some cases most
fathers, a lot of fathers, goundiagnosed and have no idea.
And maybe some of them arediagnosed and still don't think
that it impacts their fatherhood.
Maybe they feel like, hey, I'mnot a child anymore, so it
(09:36):
doesn't really impact me.
But I can tell you this issomething that impacts me.
I am not a type of person thatwould react and curse someone
out, call them out their name.
I'm very conscious on whatcomes out of my mouth towards
another person.
However, there is this thingthat my family notices when I am
dysregulated emotionally and Itend to exert to my attachment
(10:02):
style, which is anxiouslyavoided, and what I tend to do
is become emotionless because ofhow I regulate my emotions, I
just avoid them altogether oravoid the situation and I pull
back and I don't reallycommunicate.
But everybody knows thatsomething's wrong.
(10:22):
And if you're in your life andpeople are noticing that
something is wrong or asking you, hey, what's wrong?
And you feel something andyou're like yo, nothing, like
nothing, nothing's wrong,nothing's wrong but in fact
you're thinking about all thesethings inside of your head on
why you dislike a situation, butyou're not communicating it,
(10:42):
you will understand this issomething that you are
navigating.
So recognizing these signs isthe first step toward
understanding how ADHD might beaffecting your life.
So let's talk about the commonpitfalls for fathers with ADHD
and how ADHD can impact yourrole as a husband and a father.
(11:05):
And if you're a father withADHD, you might face challenges
like these.
The first one struggling tomeet parenting expectations.
Adhd can make it difficult tofollow through on plans like
keeping promises to your kids orsticking to routines.
This inconsistency cansometimes lead to guilt or
frustration, both for you andyour child.
(11:26):
What most people don'tunderstand is when you have ADHD
, there's when you don't doanything, when you have
something that you're supposedto do and you don't accomplish
it.
It creates this extreme senseof guilt that just makes you or
flattens you or keeps you stuckin a way, and this is something
(11:47):
that I feel this is thefoundation of what I've been
working on with parenting istrying to create the structure,
because kids need structure,kids need routine, and sticking
to those routines can be hard,especially when you're impulsive
or you find that you're notgetting rewarded, or maybe
(12:07):
something not rewarded but letme not use the word reward, but
that dopamine from a thing thatyou put in place, or maybe
you're not seeing the resultsfrom your family or your kids
that you want, and so you'rechanging it outright, without
sticking to a routine.
Yeah, this part meetingparenting expectations can be a
(12:28):
huge reason why some familiesbreak apart, because the parent
can't stick to something thatthey're supposed to do or
something that they say thatthey're supposed to do, or they
consistently disrupt somethingthat was put in place for their
family.
The next one is conflict inrelationships.
Impulsivity or difficultyregulating emotions might lead
(13:01):
to arguments with your partner,especially if they feel like
they're carrying more of themental load at home.
Husband, or you're a singleparent or you're in a
relationship, you might findthat navigating conflict is
difficult.
It's been difficult for me,even in my relationship.
It's literally been a task thatI've been working on diligently
because, one, I had to learnhow to regulate emotions, which
(13:22):
I never knew as a child, but two, I had to regulate my
impulsivity and how I navigatedisagreements in my relationship
.
When you're closing off andyou're shutting down and you're
acting like you're not hurtingor you're not feeling upset, or
you're not teed off by somethingsomeone said or reacted, or
(13:45):
you're not expressing howsomething made you feel in a
situation, you're going to findyourself being or isolating or
isolated, and it's importantthat you learn to regulate your
emotions and you control yourimpulsivity.
Sometimes what I used to do is,when I get upset or I have an
(14:06):
argument, I'll shut down, butthen I'll go into my phone and
I'll like go shopping forsomething, go buy something
random, something that I feellike man, I need this, when, in
fact, I told myself before thatI didn't need to buy it yet,
because it's not a necessity.
But I may tend to do that tomake me feel better about how
I'm feeling in that moment.
(14:27):
For some people it may not beshopping.
For some people it might beporn.
For some people it might bejust leaving the house and going
to get a drink, it might besmoking.
There's something that's tiedto your dysregulated emotions.
If you were a man and you wereraised without learning how to
regulate your emotions by yourfather learning how to regulate
(14:53):
your emotions by your fatherthen you may have something in
place as a trigger that you do,as an impulse, in order to
regulate your emotions or tohelp you regulate your emotions,
and you sometime bottle it intothis thing where you say, oh,
this calms my nerves, oh, thiscalms my nerves, and so let's go
(15:15):
to the next point beingoverwhelmed and being burned out
.
Adhd can make it harder toprioritize tasks, leading to a
constant sense ofoverwhelmingness.
This might result inprocrastination or avoiding
responsibilities altogether,which can create tension in the
household.
Some of you may be playinggames Y'all might be playing COD
all day, or playing 2K orwhatever game Skyrim, whatever.
(15:36):
You're playing all day andnegating your responsibilities,
that is putting a crap ton ofweight on the person that you're
with your're a partner.
If you're not prioritizing yourtasks which this is probably
the most difficult thing for meyou may lead to a constant sense
(15:56):
of overwhelm, and I willexplain it in a little more
detail.
First off, when I have a lot ofthings to do, a lot of tasks to
do.
First off, when I have a lot ofthings to do, a lot of tasks to
do, I may never start on thefirst one, simply because I'm
thinking or feeling overwhelmedabout all the things that I need
(16:17):
to do to accomplish that task.
So, for me, holidays sometimesstresses me out because it
requires, if I'm putting on aparty or something and I'm
inviting people, I'm thinking ofall the things I got to do to
prep to make sure these peopleare good and comfortable.
I'm trying to anticipateeverything that could go wrong
and before I ever start I'malready burnt out, just based on
thinking about all the thingsthat I got to do.
(16:39):
And if you have a task like, ohyou got to do laundry, man, I
got to do laundry.
I got to make sure I separatethe clothes.
I got to put the clothes inthere, put it on the setting
laundry I got to make sure Iseparate the clothes.
I got to put the clothes inthere, put it on the setting,
put the wash pot in there andthen, after I put the wash pot,
I got to make sure that I get itin time, because I got more
loads than this one load.
But then I got to take thisload out the washer, put it in
the dryer, put it on whateversetting I got to put it on.
(17:00):
And after I put that setting on, then I got to make sure I put
another setting on to do thesame thing for the other load.
And then, once that load isdone, I got to go and fold these
clothes and then I got toseparate them from whose they
belong to.
Then I got to put them up, andit makes doing those tasks
completely unbearable.
Just me saying that out loudmakes me feel a sense of burnout
(17:22):
before I even started the task,and I'm going to tell you ways
that you can navigate throughthat.
And at the same time, if thatdopamine from completing that
task means that there's so manysteps in between starting it and
getting that reward, it tendsto be left off to the edge of
(17:43):
all tasks that you do duringyour day.
If you got those tasks aroundyour house that you need to
complete, some projects aroundthe house you need to complete,
you're going to want to hear meout at the end of this episode
to learn about how to overcomethis, because I know for a fact
right now.
I got a list of things that Ineed to do.
(18:04):
But guess what I'm doing?
I'm recording this podcastbecause doing this podcast is
way more fun and I get adopamine reaction from
completing it and uploading it.
So I'm doing this and knowingthat I have tasks.
I stopped in the middle of thispodcast to go get my son
together because he had justwoken up.
(18:25):
He wanted to eat.
I needed to change his diaper,so I had to go make him some
food.
But while I'm making his food.
I seen that it's trash day so Ihad to put the trash out.
And then my other little oneswoke up so I had to make sure
they had cereals, some somethingto eat, some honey, bunches of
oat.
I had to make food for mylittle baby and just kind of get
everybody ready.
My toddler woke up first, so Ihad to go and make sure he's
(18:47):
good.
But I say all that to say I'mdoing this podcast rather than
doing those doing tasks.
I took care of the kids.
They're good to go.
I put the trash out, but Ididn't put it outside.
I took the trash out of thehouse to put in a dumpster, but
not the dumpster to the curb.
So I still got to do that task.
But I say that to say all themore things that you have to do
(19:09):
between starting and completing,the more overwhelmed and the
more burnout you will be.
So let's talk about number four,and this is when I actually
made a recent episode about whenI made a note to dads and this
is difficult being fully presentand when I tell you it's been
(19:29):
the bane of my existence.
Adhd can cause distractionsthat make it hard to focus on
quality time with your family,leaving your partner or kids
feeling unseen or unheard.
It is a challenge for me to dothis, and I've put specific
(19:50):
focus on this to the point whereI'm like talking about it out
loud to my partner and I'msaying, every day, every holiday
like especially in holidays,it's so much more difficult for
me to be present.
Or when we go to something, I'mtrying to make sure everybody
is good, everybody's enjoying,and I'm saying to myself that if
they're enjoying, then I'menjoying.
Make sure everybody is good,everybody's enjoying, and I'm
saying to myself that if they'reenjoying, then I'm enjoying,
(20:11):
and that's not the truth.
If I'm not actually present andI'm not creating this
experience with them, then it'snot really going to be a memory
of mine.
What you will find and I learnedthis from my therapist is that
when we remember things, wecreate memories on senses, and
if you don't add a sense, one ofyour five senses, to an event
(20:34):
that you're experiencing, youwon't remember it well, and so a
big part of our lives is aboutproviding, but our family needs
us to be present as well.
Working is null and void, likeyou have to do that, whether you
had a family or not.
You have to work right, youhave to find ways to make money
(20:56):
so that you can survive and live.
That's the economy that we livein, so that's not an excuse on
why you can't be present.
So if that's not an excuse tonot be present, then it means
that there's this other additivepart that we have to put work
in to be present, and I'm goingto talk about that later on in
this podcast.
(21:18):
But this is something that mygirlfriend has came to me and
told me a hundred times likeyou're not present, we're not
spending quality time, but I'mlike, bro, we're here, I took
you out, we went out, we went togo do this, but I'm usually
thinking about all the things Igotta do when I leave there.
I'm usually thinking about allthe things I didn't do when I
(21:39):
get there or everything that Ineed to do when I get there, and
not truly experiencing theenvironment, putting a sense on
it, maybe a taste, food, maybe asmell, thinking about you know
what you're seeing in thoseenvironments and talking about
(21:59):
them with the people that youlove, like, hey, I see, look at
that, look at that thing, that'sso cool, oh, that's so funny.
You literally create anexperience by using your five
senses with your family.
And if any of this soundsfamiliar, don't worry.
There are steps you can take toaddress these challenges and
improve both your own well-beingand your family dynamics.
(22:20):
So let's go to our next part,on how ADHD impacts those in
your life.
Our next part on how ADHDimpacts those in your life.
When ADHD goes unaddressed, itdoesn't just affect you, it
affects everyone around you.
For your children, it mightmean inconsistent discipline,
missed commitments, moments whenyou seem distracted Over time.
(22:45):
This can leave kids feelingunsure of what to expect, which
can impact their emotionalsecurity.
For your partner, it can feellike they're carrying the mental
and emotional load alone.
They might interpretforgetfulness or impulsivity as
a lack of care or effort,leading to resentment and
(23:06):
conflict.
But there's the good newsUnderstanding how ADHD impacts
your loved ones opens the doorto creating positive change.
With the right tools andsystems in place, you can
navigate these challenges andstrengthen your relationships.
I'm going to go a step fartherwith you fathers, with you
(23:26):
listeners.
Check me out.
A lot of our relationshipsthat's gone to crap and we don't
know what happened.
A lot of these are stemmingfrom the fact that we have not
addressed our adhd.
We have not addressed how wenavigate these functions of our
life with adhd.
When our partner completelychecks out on our relationship
(23:49):
is because you're just reactingand going through the motion and
expecting them to say to beokay with how you are.
But it becomes a burden, andmost fathers, when you're
feeling this sense of guilt thatyou're not good enough, that's
your ADHD kicking in.
And so I would say that andthis is something I'm doing
(24:18):
myself when I took a moment tosay, okay, I struggle with these
things, but why do I strugglewith these things, these things,
but why do I struggle withthese things?
And I started looking atdifferent ways and attacking
each of those different parts ofme that I struggle with and
putting things in place to makeit easier.
(24:39):
I started empowering myself totry and do other things in my
life working on my relationships, making it a point to create
quality time, no matter howdifficult, and then, when it is
difficult, actually voicing thatit is difficult or that you're
(25:00):
struggling at the time wouldallow your partner and allow
your kids to be there for youand be supportive, know,
supportive in that moment whenyou're struggling.
But to say you're okay, you'refine and you're just, you know,
struggling in silence.
No one's going to know they'regoing to believe what you said.
(25:23):
Now let's talk about systems andtools for navigating ADHD as a
father.
So how do you manage ADHD in away that allows you to show up
fully for your family?
Here are some practical toolsand systems to consider.
First things, time managementtools.
You can use apps, planners ordigital calendars to keep track
(25:46):
of appointments, schedules andtasks.
Set reminders for importantevents like school pickups,
parent-teacher meetings orfamily activities.
When I tell you that this is mygame changer, I made everybody
in my family put things on thecalendar.
(26:06):
In my family put things on thecalendar and I said specifically
this if you want me to showattention to it, it needs to be
in the calendar.
I live, I eat and I breathe, Isleep on my calendar.
I wake up.
The first thing I look at is mycalendar Things I have to do
today.
(26:26):
This is how I do at work.
This is also how I do at home.
I need to see it in my calendarwhen my daughter has
extracurricular activities or mysons have extracurricular
activities.
The first thing we do when wehave a schedule is we put it
into the calendar because it isimportant, and if it's important
, I only look at my calendar.
So, instead of keeping up allthese different papers, of
(26:50):
everything that everybody'sdoing whether it's my girlfriend
whether it's you know, she putseverything in the calendar.
We literally have date night inthe calendar we have.
Every time an event pops up, weput it in the calendar.
Every time my daughter hassomething, we put it in the
calendar.
My girlfriend has her menstrualit in the calendar.
Every time my daughter hassomething, we put it in the
calendar.
She has her.
My girlfriend has her menstrualcycle in the calendar, just in
(27:11):
case, so I can understand whenher emotional regulation may
change.
We put everything in thecalendar and that is my life.
On top of that, I add alarmsthroughout that day.
If it's something that I needto make sure that I stop, if I
need a stopping point in my dayso that I can make sure that I
go to something important, Iwill put an alarm.
(27:32):
I will put an alert.
It has to be alerting for me tostop, because I cannot regulate
myself to stop once I start andif I'm having a hard time
starting, I'm going to be inthis wheel, turning and turning
and turning, trying to start, somuch so that I cannot stop
turning in order to go and doanother task that I need to do.
(27:54):
So this time management tool,this is your key.
Birthdays, school pickups,meetings, activities everything
goes into the calendar andeveryone sees it and we talk
throughout the week about thecalendar.
And we talk throughout the weekabout the calendar.
At the beginning of the weekI'm like, okay, what do I have
to do this week?
And then I go back and I say,hey, if I don't know what it is,
I make sure I ask them, hey,what is this thing, that?
(28:17):
What is this about?
Uh, what is that supposed to?
You know what, like?
What is the importance of that?
Just in case there's some likeoh, that's just something I
threw in the calendar just incase we needed it, or as
placeholder, or something likethat, you can know that, that
that's time that could either,that needs to be planned out, et
cetera.
The second thing is creatingpredictable routines.
(28:39):
Routines can help reducedecision fatigue and create
consistency for your kids.
For example, set specific timesfor bedtime, meals, family
activities, and the structurewill benefit both you and your
children.
I can't stress this enoughRoutines, routines, routines,
and I, for one, growing up hatedroutines.
(29:01):
I felt like routines was formundane and boring people, but I
appreciate routines so much nowI couldn't possibly do it
without my routines.
I have I use Alexa.
My whole house is automatedwith Alexa.
There's things I don't have tothink about because it's
automated.
On a time I don't have to goand tell people hey, do your
(29:23):
homework.
I have timers to remind my kidsto finish their homework, to
make sure that they locked in.
I have reminders for the boyswhenever I need them to go take
a shower because I need, like.
If I'm doing something I don'thave like at a certain time and
I need to take a shower, theentire house, every device in
the house, goes off and say hey,it's your dish turn.
Hey, this is your chore, gotake care of it every day that
(29:46):
it is theirs so that I don'thave to do that.
Secondly, when there's aroutine, the decision fatigue is
crazy.
Like if you don't have aroutine, decision fatigue is
crazy To have to make so manydecisions and stop things to
decide, especially as a father.
The family's relying on you tomake decisions and it's
(30:07):
important that you can minimizehow many decisions you have to
make in a day and leave yourselfbandwidth to take decisions for
everybody else.
The third thing is break tasksinto smaller steps.
This is something that reallyhelps me out from feeling
overwhelmed.
But if big tasks feeloverwhelming big tasks feel
(30:31):
overwhelming break them intosmaller, manageable steps.
For instance, instead of sayingI need to organize the garage,
start with I'll spend 15 minutescleaning one shelf, I'll spend
a couple minutes doing thisthing.
You put a timer on and you dothat specific task.
You'll be done like that.
(30:51):
It's a beautiful superpower.
That's how you activate thesuperpower of ADHD.
When you get the lock in for 15minutes strong, you get so much
more than 15 minutes worth ofwork done.
But if it gets overwhelming,break your task down into small
steps, like that laundry taskthat I talked about earlier.
Okay, I'm going to spend 15minutes separating clothes.
(31:11):
Then go do something else.
Okay, I'm going to do this for15 minutes, but then I'm going
to come back and spend thisamount of time doing this
specific task and just do it.
Break it into small tasks.
No one said you had to completeit right now.
If you have a project at work,break it down into small tasks.
(31:32):
The next thing I will talk aboutis practicing mindfulness and
emotional regulation.
Me and my therapist talk aboutthis quite a bit, because I talk
to her about my experience insituations and how it's
overwhelming sometimes, buttechniques like meditation, deep
breathing or journaling canhelp you manage impulsivity and
emotional swings.
Taking a moment to pause beforereacting can make a big
(31:55):
difference in your interactionwith your partner and your kids.
And for something, this issomething that I do out of the
blue, no matter what situationI'm in.
Sometimes I just randomly feelnot good and I have to be
mindful of that and I'll tellyou what I do.
And my therapist gave this to meand it's a 5-4-3-2-1.
(32:15):
I know there's a name for it, Ijust can't remember, but it's a
5-4-3-2-1 method.
It's not counting, but insteadyou're using your five senses
and for every number you'regoing to do that amount of that
sense.
So, like you can mix it up asmuch as you want.
I thought I had to keep it thesame way, but she was like you
can use the five senses.
(32:35):
You know five like locate,seeing five things, smelling
four things, hearing threethings, touching two things,
tasting one thing and using yourfive senses can help you relax
(32:59):
and calm down.
It's almost like how I talkedabout earlier.
When you get overwhelmed by allthese different thoughts and
you feel anxious, or you feellike you got so much that you
need to do, stop by honing inoutside of your mind, honing in
on piece by piece by piece bypiece, and it's like breaking
(33:20):
your task down in one, but nowbreaking your emotions down into
smaller, bite-sized chunks sothat you can address those
moments.
The next thing is leveragingsupport networks.
As dads, it's difficult for usto do this.
To leverage support networks,connect with other fathers your
(33:40):
friends, your buddies from yourpast, your cousins, your uncle,
your men in your life.
Connect with them.
There's a lot of fathers outhere who have ADHD and you can
find them through support groupsor online communities.
There's Facebook groups withdads of all sorts single dads.
There's co-parenting dads,there's black fathers, there's
(34:05):
fatherhood dad groups all onFacebook.
I'm a part of a lot of themalmost 20, something of them.
Your therapist or ADHD coachescan offer strategies for
managing symptoms and improvingcommunication, but sharing
experiences and strategies canprovide valuable insights and
reduce feelings of isolation.
(34:25):
It's when you're isolated andyou're in your own thoughts that
it's hard to navigate that.
As men, we tend to hang out byourselves and be lonesomes and
deal with our problems byourselves without really being
supportive.
You could save your marriage ifyou had support and open up to
people and open up about howyou're feeling and your
(34:46):
struggles and you can get thoseinsights to solve those problems
that your partner iscomplaining about or that your
kids is complaining about.
You can actually solve thoseproblems by, if you can't solve
them yourself with all theinformation you have in your
head, you can go to somebodyelse and get another third party
view by sharing your thoughtsand feelings with the support
(35:08):
network.
But work.
My last one is work with atherapist or a coach.
You can get professionalguidance that can help you
develop tools tailored to yourspecific challenges.
Everything changed for me when Igot my therapist and sometimes
you're going to find a therapistthat isn't right for you, that
(35:29):
doesn't really click, it doesn'treally make sense.
I got a therapist that's like areligious therapist.
I'm not fully religious and I'mspiritual but I'm not super
into religion.
But I got someone that's in thereligious part religious part
and I feel like it gives me theopportunity to challenge how I
(35:50):
feel but tailor to thefoundation of where I grew up,
which is I grew up veryreligious, and I think that by
talking to a therapist that hasthat foundation, it can talk to
my younger, my inner self, myinner child.
That is probably founded uponthose principles, where I am not
in my adult stage.
(36:10):
That's my theory behind it.
It works for me.
It may not work for you, butfind yourself a therapist or a
coach that can help you manageyour symptoms, because managing
your symptoms will allow you toexperience the world so much
more, so much more fulfilling.
A lot of fathers, we cancomplain and be like you know,
(36:32):
the world's like this and peoplelike this and women are just
like this, but in reality,they're just reacting.
Our kids are just reacting towho we are and how we are.
You have the opportunity toreally indulge life in a way
that makes your experience somuch more pleasant simply
because you're being present,and so ADHD can really affect
(36:56):
how you parent and how youpartner with someone, and by
implementing these tools, youcan not only manage your ADHD
more effectively, but alsocreate a more stable, positive
environment for your family.
Why might this be the case foryou?
Now, if you're listening tothis and thinking this sounds a
(37:17):
lot like me, you're not alone.
Many fathers are navigating ADHDwithout even realizing it.
Maybe you already struggle withstaying organized, managing
emotions and keeping up withresponsibilities, but you didn't
know why.
Or maybe the demands ofparenting have amplified these
challenges.
(37:37):
If this resonates with you,it's worth exploring further,
whether it's through aconversation with your doctor or
simply trying some of the toolswe've discussed today.
Taking steps to address ADHDcan improve not just your life,
but the lives of everyone aroundyou.
Adhd doesn't have to define yourparenting journey.
(37:57):
It's just one part of who youare.
By recognizing the signs,addressing the challenges and
using these right tools, you cannavigate ADHD in a way that
strengthens your relationshipwith your kids and your partner.
Next week, we'll explore how tobuild a deeper emotional
connection with your kids acrucial topic for every father,
whether or not ADHD is a part ofthe equation.
(38:18):
Until next time, make sure yousubscribe to 15 minutes with dad
on your favorite podcastplatform and follow us on social
media 15 Minutes with Dad fordaily insights.
Remember understanding yourselfis the first step to being the
best parent you can be.
Welcome back to another episode of 15 minutes
with dad, the podcast where wedive into the realities of
fatherhood, co parenting andeverything in between.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,and today we're tackling a topic
that doesn't get nearly enoughattention, but it impacts so
many fathers and their familiesADHD and fathers and how it
(00:23):
affects parenting.
Adhd in fathers and how itaffects parenting Parenting is
hard enough on its own, but whenyou add ADHD into the mix, it
can present unique challengesboth for you as a father and for
the people around you.
Adhd, or attention deficithyperactivity disorder, isn't
just something that affects kids.
Many adults live with it, oftenwithout even realizing it.
(00:46):
For fathers, undiagnosed oruntreated ADHD can impact
relationships, work and, mostimportantly, your role as a
parent.
In today's episode, we'll talkabout how to recognize the signs
of ADHD in fathers, commonpitfalls men with ADHD face in
parenting and marriage, how itcan directly impact your family
(01:09):
and, most importantly, the toolsand systems you can use to
navigate it successfully.
Whether you've been diagnosedor you suspect this might apply
to you or someone you know, thisepisode is packed with insights
and actionable advice, and I'mgoing to give you guys a lot of
anecdotes from my personal life,because I am a father
(01:29):
navigating ADHD and I havechallenges as well with all
different parts of my life, andthese tools that I'm going to
talk to you today are thingsthat I actually implement into
my life on a daily basis.
So let's get into it.
(01:54):
Spotting signs of ADHD infathers ADHD in men doesn't
always look like the hyperactivekid who can't sit still.
It's often more subtle.
Here are some common signs tolook out for.
One difficulty stayingorganized.
You might find it hard to keeptrack of schedules, appointments
or even day-to-dayresponsibilities.
Maybe you frequently forgetthings like picking up your kids
or paying bills on time, and Ican attest to this because I
(02:17):
struggle with parts of thisquite often.
Especially when I was a singledad before I got into my
relationship, I had hard timekeeping up with my schedules and
appointments and day-to-dayresponsibilities, even keeping
up with my wallet, because I hadto keep up with my phone, my
wallet and my keys.
That was probably one of thefirst signs that I was like yo,
(02:39):
this is not easy.
Something is like off, I'mmissing something, because I
would either forget one of thosethings, and so what I had to do
is I had to take those piecesaway.
So now I don't have to thinkabout my wallet because my
wallet is my phone, and then I'musually using my email quite
often, so I never lose my phoneand I never lose my wallet.
(03:03):
Now the keys I keep the keys inthe exact same spot every
single solitary day.
I do not move it from that spot.
If it's moved from that spot,it disrupts my morning and I
have to go find it.
I have to backtrack my day,which takes a long time.
But difficulty stayingorganized is a common trait of
(03:25):
ADHD, and it's not about like,oh my God, I can't stay focused,
but more so these tasks thatrequire executive function to be
done or executive function tobe had makes it difficult for
these tasks to be completedbecause there's no immediate
dopamine behind it.
(03:45):
And speaking of dopamine, thisbrings me to number two
impulsivity.
This might show up as sayingthings without thinking, making
rash decisions or juststruggling to control emotional
reactions, especially in highstress situations.
And this is something Ispecifically have a problem with
is that when somebody's talkingand they're taking a long time
(04:09):
to finish what they're saying,I'm already finishing their
sentence and I'm just trying tomove the conversation along.
So I would butt in and say therest of their sentence and not
letting them finish theirthought.
And it actually frustrates mewhen people do this to me, and
so I can.
I know that it frustrates me,so I know that it frustrates
other people when I do that aswell, and so I've worked really
hard on trying to grab my handsor put my hands on my lap, to
(04:35):
just listen and squint my eyes,even though I know what they're
going to finish saying, allowingthem to finish their choice.
But impulsivity this thing canliterally ruin a relationship.
Impulsivity can be a good thingsometimes when you're being
spontaneous, but impulsivity islike buying things without
thinking about the budget ormaking a decision, just to get
(04:58):
immediate feeling like, oh, Iwant to make this person feel
happy, so I'm going to do thisbig kind gesture that they may
not have wanted.
Or reacting harshly inhigh-stress situations or
freaking out or screamingbecause your stress is so high
in that moment.
The most common one that peopleknow about is the difficulty
(05:19):
focusing.
Many fathers with ADHD struggleto stay present during
conversations, especially ifthey're distracted by work or
other stressors.
You might notice yourselfzoning out during family time or
struggling to finish tasks thatyou've started and for me, I
tend to have like this reallystrong active dialogue in my
(05:42):
head in certain situations,especially in conversations that
don't necessarily interest me.
But if I have things like workor other stressors, I might kind
of be thinking about those ornavigating those or thinking
through those a couple of timeson how I'm going to fix those
problems, while I'm in aconversation with some other
(06:03):
people about something else andthen sometimes I lose the
conversation because I'm sofocused on what I need to solve
and the things I'm trying tonavigate in my other parts of my
life that actually interest me.
If I feel like I need to besomewhere better or doing
something more interesting to me, my mind tends to zone out on
(06:25):
those things and in most casesit's the most inconvenient time,
and I'll tell you about how Inavigate that later on in this
podcast.
So let's go to number fourrestlessness and hyperactivity.
Even if you're not bouncing offthe walls, you might feel like
you're always on, constantlyfidgeting or struggling to relax
(06:47):
, even during downtime.
I know for a fact that Istruggle with this because I
tend I sometimes I can't go tosleep.
It's like this moment as soonas I lay down, my brain just
starts, even in this super fastthought process, about a bunch
of random nothings, like it'lljust be going from one thought
(07:07):
to the next thought, to the nextthought to the next thought,
without an actual focus on anyof those things, and that kind
of creates this anxietyinternally that I have to
navigate.
Sometimes, when I'm going tobed or if I'm being overwhelmed
or overstimulated in anenvironment, I tend to start
thinking about all thesedifferent things that I probably
(07:28):
can't control and it becomeslike it's so important all at
once and it just completely messme up mentally and so I have to
kind of take a step back andfor me something that usually
works for me.
I like playing chess because itrequires me to sit there and
think, but it also gives me.
If I put a timer on playingchess, then I actually can have
that sense of urgency while I'mplaying and thinking, but it's
(07:52):
making me think about how toplay the game, and so I get to
use those thoughts and not thinkabout things outside but
actually think about the piecesand how I need to move those
things.
By the way, I just startedlearning chess about a couple of
months ago, so I'm a little bitaddicted.
At this point I got bit by thechess book, so I play literally
all the time and it works.
(08:12):
I could play all the time, anytime of the night.
Probably I can play 15 to 20games straight without a bump.
I play on my phone, I play withmy kids, I play with random
people at different places if Ican.
But let's move on.
So this last one, I think, isextremely vital and probably the
(08:33):
thing that causes a lot ofmisunderstanding with people, is
when a father with ADHD mightexperience emotional regulation
challenges, and this can bebrought on from other factors in
your childhood.
But this is kind of like whatstems and what wires your brain
(08:55):
to have these symptoms is thefact that you don't know how to
regulate your emotions, or youmay have trouble regulating your
emotions because of ADHD youremotions or you may have trouble
regulating your emotionsbecause of ADHD.
So fatherless ADHD mightexperience quick shifts in mood,
going from calm to frustratedor overwhelmed in literally
seconds.
This can impact how youcommunicate with your partner
(09:16):
and your children and a lot ofpeople tend to take these as
like.
This person is just crude andrude and in some cases most
fathers, a lot of fathers, goundiagnosed and have no idea.
And maybe some of them arediagnosed and still don't think
that it impacts their fatherhood.
Maybe they feel like, hey, I'mnot a child anymore, so it
(09:36):
doesn't really impact me.
But I can tell you this issomething that impacts me.
I am not a type of person thatwould react and curse someone
out, call them out their name.
I'm very conscious on whatcomes out of my mouth towards
another person.
However, there is this thingthat my family notices when I am
dysregulated emotionally and Itend to exert to my attachment
(10:02):
style, which is anxiouslyavoided, and what I tend to do
is become emotionless because ofhow I regulate my emotions, I
just avoid them altogether oravoid the situation and I pull
back and I don't reallycommunicate.
But everybody knows thatsomething's wrong.
(10:22):
And if you're in your life andpeople are noticing that
something is wrong or asking you, hey, what's wrong?
And you feel something andyou're like yo, nothing, like
nothing, nothing's wrong,nothing's wrong but in fact
you're thinking about all thesethings inside of your head on
why you dislike a situation, butyou're not communicating it,
(10:42):
you will understand this issomething that you are
navigating.
So recognizing these signs isthe first step toward
understanding how ADHD might beaffecting your life.
So let's talk about the commonpitfalls for fathers with ADHD
and how ADHD can impact yourrole as a husband and a father.
(11:05):
And if you're a father withADHD, you might face challenges
like these.
The first one struggling tomeet parenting expectations.
Adhd can make it difficult tofollow through on plans like
keeping promises to your kids orsticking to routines.
This inconsistency cansometimes lead to guilt or
frustration, both for you andyour child.
(11:26):
What most people don'tunderstand is when you have ADHD
, there's when you don't doanything, when you have
something that you're supposedto do and you don't accomplish
it.
It creates this extreme senseof guilt that just makes you or
flattens you or keeps you stuckin a way, and this is something
(11:47):
that I feel this is thefoundation of what I've been
working on with parenting istrying to create the structure,
because kids need structure,kids need routine, and sticking
to those routines can be hard,especially when you're impulsive
or you find that you're notgetting rewarded, or maybe
(12:07):
something not rewarded but letme not use the word reward, but
that dopamine from a thing thatyou put in place, or maybe
you're not seeing the resultsfrom your family or your kids
that you want, and so you'rechanging it outright, without
sticking to a routine.
Yeah, this part meetingparenting expectations can be a
(12:28):
huge reason why some familiesbreak apart, because the parent
can't stick to something thatthey're supposed to do or
something that they say thatthey're supposed to do, or they
consistently disrupt somethingthat was put in place for their
family.
The next one is conflict inrelationships.
Impulsivity or difficultyregulating emotions might lead
(13:01):
to arguments with your partner,especially if they feel like
they're carrying more of themental load at home.
Husband, or you're a singleparent or you're in a
relationship, you might findthat navigating conflict is
difficult.
It's been difficult for me,even in my relationship.
It's literally been a task thatI've been working on diligently
because, one, I had to learnhow to regulate emotions, which
(13:22):
I never knew as a child, but two, I had to regulate my
impulsivity and how I navigatedisagreements in my relationship
.
When you're closing off andyou're shutting down and you're
acting like you're not hurtingor you're not feeling upset, or
you're not teed off by somethingsomeone said or reacted, or
(13:45):
you're not expressing howsomething made you feel in a
situation, you're going to findyourself being or isolating or
isolated, and it's importantthat you learn to regulate your
emotions and you control yourimpulsivity.
Sometimes what I used to do is,when I get upset or I have an
(14:06):
argument, I'll shut down, butthen I'll go into my phone and
I'll like go shopping forsomething, go buy something
random, something that I feellike man, I need this, when, in
fact, I told myself before thatI didn't need to buy it yet,
because it's not a necessity.
But I may tend to do that tomake me feel better about how
I'm feeling in that moment.
(14:27):
For some people it may not beshopping.
For some people it might beporn.
For some people it might bejust leaving the house and going
to get a drink, it might besmoking.
There's something that's tiedto your dysregulated emotions.
If you were a man and you wereraised without learning how to
regulate your emotions by yourfather learning how to regulate
(14:53):
your emotions by your fatherthen you may have something in
place as a trigger that you do,as an impulse, in order to
regulate your emotions or tohelp you regulate your emotions,
and you sometime bottle it intothis thing where you say, oh,
this calms my nerves, oh, thiscalms my nerves, and so let's go
(15:15):
to the next point beingoverwhelmed and being burned out
.
Adhd can make it harder toprioritize tasks, leading to a
constant sense ofoverwhelmingness.
This might result inprocrastination or avoiding
responsibilities altogether,which can create tension in the
household.
Some of you may be playinggames Y'all might be playing COD
all day, or playing 2K orwhatever game Skyrim, whatever.
(15:36):
You're playing all day andnegating your responsibilities,
that is putting a crap ton ofweight on the person that you're
with your're a partner.
If you're not prioritizing yourtasks which this is probably
the most difficult thing for meyou may lead to a constant sense
(15:56):
of overwhelm, and I willexplain it in a little more
detail.
First off, when I have a lot ofthings to do, a lot of tasks to
do.
First off, when I have a lot ofthings to do, a lot of tasks to
do, I may never start on thefirst one, simply because I'm
thinking or feeling overwhelmedabout all the things that I need
(16:17):
to do to accomplish that task.
So, for me, holidays sometimesstresses me out because it
requires, if I'm putting on aparty or something and I'm
inviting people, I'm thinking ofall the things I got to do to
prep to make sure these peopleare good and comfortable.
I'm trying to anticipateeverything that could go wrong
and before I ever start I'malready burnt out, just based on
thinking about all the thingsthat I got to do.
(16:39):
And if you have a task like, ohyou got to do laundry, man, I
got to do laundry.
I got to make sure I separatethe clothes.
I got to put the clothes inthere, put it on the setting
laundry I got to make sure Iseparate the clothes.
I got to put the clothes inthere, put it on the setting,
put the wash pot in there andthen, after I put the wash pot,
I got to make sure that I get itin time, because I got more
loads than this one load.
But then I got to take thisload out the washer, put it in
the dryer, put it on whateversetting I got to put it on.
(17:00):
And after I put that setting on, then I got to make sure I put
another setting on to do thesame thing for the other load.
And then, once that load isdone, I got to go and fold these
clothes and then I got toseparate them from whose they
belong to.
Then I got to put them up, andit makes doing those tasks
completely unbearable.
Just me saying that out loudmakes me feel a sense of burnout
(17:22):
before I even started the task,and I'm going to tell you ways
that you can navigate throughthat.
And at the same time, if thatdopamine from completing that
task means that there's so manysteps in between starting it and
getting that reward, it tendsto be left off to the edge of
(17:43):
all tasks that you do duringyour day.
If you got those tasks aroundyour house that you need to
complete, some projects aroundthe house you need to complete,
you're going to want to hear meout at the end of this episode
to learn about how to overcomethis, because I know for a fact
right now.
I got a list of things that Ineed to do.
(18:04):
But guess what I'm doing?
I'm recording this podcastbecause doing this podcast is
way more fun and I get adopamine reaction from
completing it and uploading it.
So I'm doing this and knowingthat I have tasks.
I stopped in the middle of thispodcast to go get my son
together because he had justwoken up.
(18:25):
He wanted to eat.
I needed to change his diaper,so I had to go make him some
food.
But while I'm making his food.
I seen that it's trash day so Ihad to put the trash out.
And then my other little oneswoke up so I had to make sure
they had cereals, some somethingto eat, some honey, bunches of
oat.
I had to make food for mylittle baby and just kind of get
everybody ready.
My toddler woke up first, so Ihad to go and make sure he's
(18:47):
good.
But I say all that to say I'mdoing this podcast rather than
doing those doing tasks.
I took care of the kids.
They're good to go.
I put the trash out, but Ididn't put it outside.
I took the trash out of thehouse to put in a dumpster, but
not the dumpster to the curb.
So I still got to do that task.
But I say that to say all themore things that you have to do
(19:09):
between starting and completing,the more overwhelmed and the
more burnout you will be.
So let's talk about number four,and this is when I actually
made a recent episode about whenI made a note to dads and this
is difficult being fully presentand when I tell you it's been
(19:29):
the bane of my existence.
Adhd can cause distractionsthat make it hard to focus on
quality time with your family,leaving your partner or kids
feeling unseen or unheard.
It is a challenge for me to dothis, and I've put specific
(19:50):
focus on this to the point whereI'm like talking about it out
loud to my partner and I'msaying, every day, every holiday
like especially in holidays,it's so much more difficult for
me to be present.
Or when we go to something, I'mtrying to make sure everybody
is good, everybody's enjoying,and I'm saying to myself that if
they're enjoying, then I'menjoying.
Make sure everybody is good,everybody's enjoying, and I'm
saying to myself that if they'reenjoying, then I'm enjoying,
(20:11):
and that's not the truth.
If I'm not actually present andI'm not creating this
experience with them, then it'snot really going to be a memory
of mine.
What you will find and I learnedthis from my therapist is that
when we remember things, wecreate memories on senses, and
if you don't add a sense, one ofyour five senses, to an event
(20:34):
that you're experiencing, youwon't remember it well, and so a
big part of our lives is aboutproviding, but our family needs
us to be present as well.
Working is null and void, likeyou have to do that, whether you
had a family or not.
You have to work right, youhave to find ways to make money
(20:56):
so that you can survive and live.
That's the economy that we livein, so that's not an excuse on
why you can't be present.
So if that's not an excuse tonot be present, then it means
that there's this other additivepart that we have to put work
in to be present, and I'm goingto talk about that later on in
this podcast.
(21:18):
But this is something that mygirlfriend has came to me and
told me a hundred times likeyou're not present, we're not
spending quality time, but I'mlike, bro, we're here, I took
you out, we went out, we went togo do this, but I'm usually
thinking about all the things Igotta do when I leave there.
I'm usually thinking about allthe things I didn't do when I
(21:39):
get there or everything that Ineed to do when I get there, and
not truly experiencing theenvironment, putting a sense on
it, maybe a taste, food, maybe asmell, thinking about you know
what you're seeing in thoseenvironments and talking about
(21:59):
them with the people that youlove, like, hey, I see, look at
that, look at that thing, that'sso cool, oh, that's so funny.
You literally create anexperience by using your five
senses with your family.
And if any of this soundsfamiliar, don't worry.
There are steps you can take toaddress these challenges and
improve both your own well-beingand your family dynamics.
(22:20):
So let's go to our next part,on how ADHD impacts those in
your life.
Our next part on how ADHDimpacts those in your life.
When ADHD goes unaddressed, itdoesn't just affect you, it
affects everyone around you.
For your children, it mightmean inconsistent discipline,
missed commitments, moments whenyou seem distracted Over time.
(22:45):
This can leave kids feelingunsure of what to expect, which
can impact their emotionalsecurity.
For your partner, it can feellike they're carrying the mental
and emotional load alone.
They might interpretforgetfulness or impulsivity as
a lack of care or effort,leading to resentment and
(23:06):
conflict.
But there's the good newsUnderstanding how ADHD impacts
your loved ones opens the doorto creating positive change.
With the right tools andsystems in place, you can
navigate these challenges andstrengthen your relationships.
I'm going to go a step fartherwith you fathers, with you
(23:26):
listeners.
Check me out.
A lot of our relationshipsthat's gone to crap and we don't
know what happened.
A lot of these are stemmingfrom the fact that we have not
addressed our adhd.
We have not addressed how wenavigate these functions of our
life with adhd.
When our partner completelychecks out on our relationship
(23:49):
is because you're just reactingand going through the motion and
expecting them to say to beokay with how you are.
But it becomes a burden, andmost fathers, when you're
feeling this sense of guilt thatyou're not good enough, that's
your ADHD kicking in.
And so I would say that andthis is something I'm doing
(24:18):
myself when I took a moment tosay, okay, I struggle with these
things, but why do I strugglewith these things, these things,
but why do I struggle withthese things?
And I started looking atdifferent ways and attacking
each of those different parts ofme that I struggle with and
putting things in place to makeit easier.
(24:39):
I started empowering myself totry and do other things in my
life working on my relationships, making it a point to create
quality time, no matter howdifficult, and then, when it is
difficult, actually voicing thatit is difficult or that you're
(25:00):
struggling at the time wouldallow your partner and allow
your kids to be there for youand be supportive, know,
supportive in that moment whenyou're struggling.
But to say you're okay, you'refine and you're just, you know,
struggling in silence.
No one's going to know they'regoing to believe what you said.
(25:23):
Now let's talk about systems andtools for navigating ADHD as a
father.
So how do you manage ADHD in away that allows you to show up
fully for your family?
Here are some practical toolsand systems to consider.
First things, time managementtools.
You can use apps, planners ordigital calendars to keep track
(25:46):
of appointments, schedules andtasks.
Set reminders for importantevents like school pickups,
parent-teacher meetings orfamily activities.
When I tell you that this is mygame changer, I made everybody
in my family put things on thecalendar.
(26:06):
In my family put things on thecalendar and I said specifically
this if you want me to showattention to it, it needs to be
in the calendar.
I live, I eat and I breathe, Isleep on my calendar.
I wake up.
The first thing I look at is mycalendar Things I have to do
today.
(26:26):
This is how I do at work.
This is also how I do at home.
I need to see it in my calendarwhen my daughter has
extracurricular activities or mysons have extracurricular
activities.
The first thing we do when wehave a schedule is we put it
into the calendar because it isimportant, and if it's important
, I only look at my calendar.
So, instead of keeping up allthese different papers, of
(26:50):
everything that everybody'sdoing whether it's my girlfriend
whether it's you know, she putseverything in the calendar.
We literally have date night inthe calendar we have.
Every time an event pops up, weput it in the calendar.
Every time my daughter hassomething, we put it in the
calendar.
My girlfriend has her menstrualit in the calendar.
Every time my daughter hassomething, we put it in the
calendar.
She has her.
My girlfriend has her menstrualcycle in the calendar, just in
(27:11):
case, so I can understand whenher emotional regulation may
change.
We put everything in thecalendar and that is my life.
On top of that, I add alarmsthroughout that day.
If it's something that I needto make sure that I stop, if I
need a stopping point in my dayso that I can make sure that I
go to something important, Iwill put an alarm.
(27:32):
I will put an alert.
It has to be alerting for me tostop, because I cannot regulate
myself to stop once I start andif I'm having a hard time
starting, I'm going to be inthis wheel, turning and turning
and turning, trying to start, somuch so that I cannot stop
turning in order to go and doanother task that I need to do.
(27:54):
So this time management tool,this is your key.
Birthdays, school pickups,meetings, activities everything
goes into the calendar andeveryone sees it and we talk
throughout the week about thecalendar.
And we talk throughout the weekabout the calendar.
At the beginning of the weekI'm like, okay, what do I have
to do this week?
And then I go back and I say,hey, if I don't know what it is,
I make sure I ask them, hey,what is this thing, that?
(28:17):
What is this about?
Uh, what is that supposed to?
You know what, like?
What is the importance of that?
Just in case there's some likeoh, that's just something I
threw in the calendar just incase we needed it, or as
placeholder, or something likethat, you can know that, that
that's time that could either,that needs to be planned out, et
cetera.
The second thing is creatingpredictable routines.
(28:39):
Routines can help reducedecision fatigue and create
consistency for your kids.
For example, set specific timesfor bedtime, meals, family
activities, and the structurewill benefit both you and your
children.
I can't stress this enoughRoutines, routines, routines,
and I, for one, growing up hatedroutines.
(29:01):
I felt like routines was formundane and boring people, but I
appreciate routines so much nowI couldn't possibly do it
without my routines.
I have I use Alexa.
My whole house is automatedwith Alexa.
There's things I don't have tothink about because it's
automated.
On a time I don't have to goand tell people hey, do your
(29:23):
homework.
I have timers to remind my kidsto finish their homework, to
make sure that they locked in.
I have reminders for the boyswhenever I need them to go take
a shower because I need, like.
If I'm doing something I don'thave like at a certain time and
I need to take a shower, theentire house, every device in
the house, goes off and say hey,it's your dish turn.
Hey, this is your chore, gotake care of it every day that
(29:46):
it is theirs so that I don'thave to do that.
Secondly, when there's aroutine, the decision fatigue is
crazy.
Like if you don't have aroutine, decision fatigue is
crazy To have to make so manydecisions and stop things to
decide, especially as a father.
The family's relying on you tomake decisions and it's
(30:07):
important that you can minimizehow many decisions you have to
make in a day and leave yourselfbandwidth to take decisions for
everybody else.
The third thing is break tasksinto smaller steps.
This is something that reallyhelps me out from feeling
overwhelmed.
But if big tasks feeloverwhelming big tasks feel
(30:31):
overwhelming break them intosmaller, manageable steps.
For instance, instead of sayingI need to organize the garage,
start with I'll spend 15 minutescleaning one shelf, I'll spend
a couple minutes doing thisthing.
You put a timer on and you dothat specific task.
You'll be done like that.
(30:51):
It's a beautiful superpower.
That's how you activate thesuperpower of ADHD.
When you get the lock in for 15minutes strong, you get so much
more than 15 minutes worth ofwork done.
But if it gets overwhelming,break your task down into small
steps, like that laundry taskthat I talked about earlier.
Okay, I'm going to spend 15minutes separating clothes.
(31:11):
Then go do something else.
Okay, I'm going to do this for15 minutes, but then I'm going
to come back and spend thisamount of time doing this
specific task and just do it.
Break it into small tasks.
No one said you had to completeit right now.
If you have a project at work,break it down into small tasks.
(31:32):
The next thing I will talk aboutis practicing mindfulness and
emotional regulation.
Me and my therapist talk aboutthis quite a bit, because I talk
to her about my experience insituations and how it's
overwhelming sometimes, buttechniques like meditation, deep
breathing or journaling canhelp you manage impulsivity and
emotional swings.
Taking a moment to pause beforereacting can make a big
(31:55):
difference in your interactionwith your partner and your kids.
And for something, this issomething that I do out of the
blue, no matter what situationI'm in.
Sometimes I just randomly feelnot good and I have to be
mindful of that and I'll tellyou what I do.
And my therapist gave this to meand it's a 5-4-3-2-1.
(32:15):
I know there's a name for it, Ijust can't remember, but it's a
5-4-3-2-1 method.
It's not counting, but insteadyou're using your five senses
and for every number you'regoing to do that amount of that
sense.
So, like you can mix it up asmuch as you want.
I thought I had to keep it thesame way, but she was like you
can use the five senses.
(32:35):
You know five like locate,seeing five things, smelling
four things, hearing threethings, touching two things,
tasting one thing and using yourfive senses can help you relax
(32:59):
and calm down.
It's almost like how I talkedabout earlier.
When you get overwhelmed by allthese different thoughts and
you feel anxious, or you feellike you got so much that you
need to do, stop by honing inoutside of your mind, honing in
on piece by piece by piece bypiece, and it's like breaking
(33:20):
your task down in one, but nowbreaking your emotions down into
smaller, bite-sized chunks sothat you can address those
moments.
The next thing is leveragingsupport networks.
As dads, it's difficult for usto do this.
To leverage support networks,connect with other fathers your
(33:40):
friends, your buddies from yourpast, your cousins, your uncle,
your men in your life.
Connect with them.
There's a lot of fathers outhere who have ADHD and you can
find them through support groupsor online communities.
There's Facebook groups withdads of all sorts single dads.
There's co-parenting dads,there's black fathers, there's
(34:05):
fatherhood dad groups all onFacebook.
I'm a part of a lot of themalmost 20, something of them.
Your therapist or ADHD coachescan offer strategies for
managing symptoms and improvingcommunication, but sharing
experiences and strategies canprovide valuable insights and
reduce feelings of isolation.
(34:25):
It's when you're isolated andyou're in your own thoughts that
it's hard to navigate that.
As men, we tend to hang out byourselves and be lonesomes and
deal with our problems byourselves without really being
supportive.
You could save your marriage ifyou had support and open up to
people and open up about howyou're feeling and your
(34:46):
struggles and you can get thoseinsights to solve those problems
that your partner iscomplaining about or that your
kids is complaining about.
You can actually solve thoseproblems by, if you can't solve
them yourself with all theinformation you have in your
head, you can go to somebodyelse and get another third party
view by sharing your thoughtsand feelings with the support
(35:08):
network.
But work.
My last one is work with atherapist or a coach.
You can get professionalguidance that can help you
develop tools tailored to yourspecific challenges.
Everything changed for me when Igot my therapist and sometimes
you're going to find a therapistthat isn't right for you, that
(35:29):
doesn't really click, it doesn'treally make sense.
I got a therapist that's like areligious therapist.
I'm not fully religious and I'mspiritual but I'm not super
into religion.
But I got someone that's in thereligious part religious part
and I feel like it gives me theopportunity to challenge how I
(35:50):
feel but tailor to thefoundation of where I grew up,
which is I grew up veryreligious, and I think that by
talking to a therapist that hasthat foundation, it can talk to
my younger, my inner self, myinner child.
That is probably founded uponthose principles, where I am not
in my adult stage.
(36:10):
That's my theory behind it.
It works for me.
It may not work for you, butfind yourself a therapist or a
coach that can help you manageyour symptoms, because managing
your symptoms will allow you toexperience the world so much
more, so much more fulfilling.
A lot of fathers, we cancomplain and be like you know,
(36:32):
the world's like this and peoplelike this and women are just
like this, but in reality,they're just reacting.
Our kids are just reacting towho we are and how we are.
You have the opportunity toreally indulge life in a way
that makes your experience somuch more pleasant simply
because you're being present,and so ADHD can really affect
(36:56):
how you parent and how youpartner with someone, and by
implementing these tools, youcan not only manage your ADHD
more effectively, but alsocreate a more stable, positive
environment for your family.
Why might this be the case foryou?
Now, if you're listening tothis and thinking this sounds a
(37:17):
lot like me, you're not alone.
Many fathers are navigating ADHDwithout even realizing it.
Maybe you already struggle withstaying organized, managing
emotions and keeping up withresponsibilities, but you didn't
know why.
Or maybe the demands ofparenting have amplified these
challenges.
(37:37):
If this resonates with you,it's worth exploring further,
whether it's through aconversation with your doctor or
simply trying some of the toolswe've discussed today.
Taking steps to address ADHDcan improve not just your life,
but the lives of everyone aroundyou.
Adhd doesn't have to define yourparenting journey.
(37:57):
It's just one part of who youare.
By recognizing the signs,addressing the challenges and
using these right tools, you cannavigate ADHD in a way that
strengthens your relationshipwith your kids and your partner.
Next week, we'll explore how tobuild a deeper emotional
connection with your kids acrucial topic for every father,
whether or not ADHD is a part ofthe equation.
(38:18):
Until next time, make sure yousubscribe to 15 minutes with dad
on your favorite podcastplatform and follow us on social
media 15 Minutes with Dad fordaily insights.
Remember understanding yourselfis the first step to being the
best parent you can be.
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