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November 12, 2024 19 mins

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What if you could navigate the complexities of co-parenting with ease and maintain harmony for your children? 

Join me, Lirec Williams, as we unravel the secrets behind setting and maintaining effective co-parenting boundaries. Discover how to handle new partners entering the scene and the potential impact this might have on your kids. 

We discuss five essential strategies for creating boundaries, like setting specific communication times and respecting each other's parenting time. Learn how to gracefully manage last-minute schedule changes and keep conversations centered on the kids using respectful communication techniques, including the power of "I" statements.

When boundaries get tested, staying composed is key. Listen as we explore techniques to manage pushback and foster a healthy co-parenting relationship. Understand why it's crucial to set, respect, and adjust boundaries to nurture a conducive environment for everyone involved. Don't miss our interactive live call-in segment, Dad Lets Chat, each Friday, where real-life co-parenting challenges are brought to light. Keep up with us on social media for daily tips, and remember, strong boundaries are the cornerstone of a successful co-parenting journey.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you wanted to discuss that new partner, I
would say be mindful of the factthat that person is moving on
and give them the opportunity togive them the space to.
They may be moving faster thanyou because you may not have
gone to therapy and fixed it,and I know a lot of women tend
to move on a lot quicker thanmen do when they're in a long
term relationship, because thewoman had broken up with the guy

(00:22):
eons ago and the guy hasn'treally had time to really adjust
it.
And I'm not saying that womenhave to cater their next steps
to the man that they no longerwant to be with.
But it is important to have aconversation about this new
partner and not abrasively bringa new person around the kids
and this goes for the men too.

(00:42):
Welcome to another episode of15 Minutes with Dad co-parenting
series, where we talk aboutreal strategies for thriving as
a co-parent.
I'm your host, lyric Williams,and today we're going to dive
into a critical part of anyhealthy co-parenting
relationship creating andmaintaining effective boundaries
.
Boundaries are like theguardrails that keep

(01:04):
co-parenting running smoothly.
They protect your peace, setclear expectations and help
prevent conflicts.
But boundaries aren't justabout setting limits.
They're about defining what youneed for your well-being and
communicating that in a way thatfosters respect and
understanding.
In this episode, we'll walkthrough five key strategies for

(01:25):
establishing boundaries, alongwith examples that bring each
strategy to life.
Before we get started, makesure you're following us on
social media at 15 Minutes withDad for more insights, and don't
forget to check out our freethree-part co-parenting workshop
at 15minuteswithdadcom.
Forward slash co parent.
It's designed to help younavigate co-parenting with

(01:47):
clarity and confidence.
All right, so let's jump intoit.
Setting boundaries andco-parenting can be challenging,
but it's one of the mostpowerful ways to create
respectful, stable environmentsfor your kids.
Today, I'll bring down fiveessential strategies for
effective boundaries and how doyou establish them, each with
real-life examples to help makethem practical and achievable.

(02:10):
Let's get started.
First up, let's talk aboutdefining your boundaries clearly
.
This is the foundation for anyboundary setting.
It's about identifying whatboundaries you need for your own
well-being and a smoothco-parenting relationship.
Being specific is key.
Know exactly what you need andwhy it's important.

(02:33):
Here are three examples to helpyou define your boundaries
clearly.
One communication timing.
You may decide you only want tocommunicate with your parent
during set hours to avoid latenight messages and interruptions
at work.
For instance, you can set aboundary like let's keep all
communication between 9 am and 7pm.

(02:55):
Number two personal timing andspace.
Maybe you like to avoid anyunplanned visits from your
co-parent when the children arewith you.
The boundary here could be,though please let me know in
advance if you need to picksomething up when the kids are
here so we can arrange aconvenient time.
Number three respectingparenting time.

(03:17):
If you need your time with thekids to be uninterrupted, you
can do that.
You could establish a boundaryaround limiting calls and
check-ins from your co-parentduring your parenting time.
For example, you might sayduring my weekends with the kids
, let's limit calls to once aday, unless it's an emergency,

(03:38):
and I know that personally.
When I used to spend time withmy daughter, the mother of my
daughter used to call her, checkin on her, and then, when I got
over the phone, that was evenmore, because she was like
texting her all the time.
So my daughter really wasn'tpresent.
She was always responding toher mom because she didn't want
me and her mom her mom and I tofight, and so she would

(04:00):
constantly check in with her andmy daughter would never be
present in those moments and Ihad to go to a point of at first
it was aggressive to take thatphone away from her while she's
with me just so that she caninteract, and make her mom have
to call through me in order totalk to her daughter whenever it
was during my parenting time.

(04:21):
And during her parenting time Iwas limited, like I couldn't
talk to her unless her mom.
You know, let her talk to herand there was times where her
mom used to ground her fromtalking to me.
It was crazy.
I won't go deep into that, butthat's just the kind of level
set on how dramatic it could beor something that you could be

(04:43):
experiencing.
So make sure that you defineyour boundaries clearly.
When you define your boundariesclearly, it sets you up for
success, because you knowexactly what you need and can
communicate it directly.
So next let's move on tocommunicating boundaries with
respect.
This step is all about sharingyour boundaries in a way that's

(05:05):
assertive but respectful.
When you communicate boundaries, use I statements to express
your needs without assigningblame or criticism.
Here are three examples to makethis step practical, because I
know it's kind of difficult whenemotions are involved.
So the first thing that you cando is setting a communication
preference.

(05:26):
So you might say I feel likeit's best if we keep our
conversations focused on thekids so we avoid any past
conflicts.
This way you're setting a clearboundary around the scope of
conversation without placingblame.
I know that for a lot of youfathers who are fresh out of the
relationship, a lot of yourconversations are going to be

(05:46):
about how the person did youwrong and you defending yourself
on how you didn't do them wrongand all the things that they
believe and feel about you.
At that point it is time tofocus completely on your kids.
Make only the conversationsolely about your kids.
Anything outside of that, itwill be new fights happening

(06:07):
about old stuff forever andyou're not really getting to the
point.
Number two managing last minuteschedule changes.
This is probably a big petpeeve of mine and I'm pretty
sure either your co-parents haveissues with you doing that or
you have issues with them doingthat.
But if you'd like more noticefor changes in the parenting

(06:29):
schedule, you could say I needat least 24 hours notice for any
schedule adjustment so I canplan accordingly.
Is that doable for you?
And if that's not, how do Ihelp that become doable for you
doable for you.
And if that's not, how do Ihelp that become doable for you?
Managing conflicts, those lastminute changes and those last

(06:54):
minute changes is essential, man.
I can't even I can't dive deepinto that.
Enough is, when someone makes alast minute schedule change,
they're not actually beingcourteous of your time and their
life is so tumultuous that it'snow seeping into yours, or vice
versa, for anyone that'swatching this.
And the last one is a realcritical one that I think a lot
of people go into this worldwithout actually taking it

(07:20):
sensitively, and that'sdiscussing new parents.
If you feel uncomfortablediscussing your co-parents' new
relationship around the kids,you might say I prefer if we
keep our personal relationshipsprivate and not discuss them in
front of the children.
This helps keep the focus onthem when y'all are around them.
If you wanted to discuss thatnew partner, I would say be

(07:42):
mindful of the fact that thatperson is moving on and give
them the opportunity to givethem the space to.
They may be moving faster thanyou because you may not have
gone to therapy and fixed it,and I know a lot of women tend
to move on a lot quicker thanmen do when they're in a
long-term relationship, becausethe woman had broken up with the
guy eons ago and the guy hasn'treally had time to really

(08:05):
adjust it.
And I'm not saying that womenhave to cater their next steps
to the man that they no longerwant to be with, but it is
important to have a conversationabout this new partner and not
abrasively bring a new personaround the kids, and this goes
for the men too.
It's essential that youcommunicate through this point,

(08:27):
because at this point you're nolonger partners in a
relationship, but you'repartners in a co-parenting
situation where you have to makesure that you guys create the
best environment with these newpeople and make sure that these
new people are actually broughtin and onboarded with the plan
that you guys created for yourkids, like you're managing the

(08:50):
life of your children.
You're no longer parenting, butyou're managing the life of
your children, and so it'salmost as if a business you're
bringing new employees in tocome and do work.
You want to onboard them withinformation that you two have
already agreed on, becausethey're their third party, and
I've been in that situation manytimes where I got with someone

(09:11):
and they didn't even communicateit to the other person or they.
That person had to find out byseeing us somewhere, and then it
becomes like this abrasivesituation and the thing that
I've learned over time is thatit's important that you talk
about this person, with thatperson, before they meet them,
before they run into them,before you even engage with your

(09:32):
children with this person.
I mean, I know there'ssometimes you let them meet.
Okay, this is my friend, butessentially you want to make
sure that your partner is awareof this, so that when you, when
your child, goes over to theirhouse, to your co-parent's house
, that it's not a, it's notcaught off guard, because
hearing it from a child isdifferent from hearing it from a

(09:54):
mature adult explaining andhave a conversation and for some
, this conversation may not bepleasant, no matter how you do
it, because of immaturity, theemotional immaturity of the
person that you left.
So I am aware of that, but forthe most part, just try it.
Now let's talk about seekingagreement.

(10:15):
This step acknowledges that notevery boundary will be met with
instant agreement, but findingcommon ground is key.
You want to strive for a mutualunderstanding that respects
each parent's needs.
The first parenting timeadjustments, if one of you need

(10:36):
flexibility with parenting time.
You could say something like Iunderstand you need flexibility
for work.
Let's agree on a plan foroccasional schedule changes that
works for both of us so itdoesn't disrupt the kid's
routine.
Number two approaching decisionmaking together.
If there's a sharedresponsibility, like school

(10:56):
decisions, you could say I'dlike us to have an agreement on
how we make major schooldecisions.
Can we set up a process fordiscussing this so we're both
involved?
Number three limiting callfrequency.
This one is a very importantone because a lot of parents
feel like because I was withthat person, I'm entitled to

(11:18):
call that person anytime I wantbecause they used to be mine,
and blah, blah, blah.
Your ego can be involved.
All these different reasons onwhy this is so critical.
If frequent calls are causingtension, you might say I
understand it's important foryou to check in with the kids,
but let's agree on a callschedule that allows everyone
some downtime to check in withthe kids.
But let's agree on a callschedule that allows everyone

(11:38):
some downtime.
And seeking agreement helps youfind a compromise that works
for both of you, keeping thechildren's best interest at
heart.
And again, this is ideal.
This isn't something that youcan cascade.
But I know that consistency andconsistently using these
strategies you will be able toget your co-parent to move along

(11:59):
through the process better,because it becomes a moment
where somebody's not pullingtheir weight and most times
parents have their egos involvedin their parenting and their
co-parenting relationship.
So making sure that you focuson your child the entire time
will help ease along the processover time.
But staying consistent is evenmore, which brings me to my next

(12:21):
step.
The fourth strategy is toimplement consistency.
Implement this consistently.
Consistency is key tomaintaining boundaries.
Without it, boundaries canbecome blurred or ineffective.
And here are three examples ofhow to put boundaries into
practice consistently.
First is follow through onscheduling agreements.

(12:46):
If you agreed on 24 hour noticefor schedule changes, make sure
you're both sticking to it.
Consistency shows that you'recommitted to respecting each
other's time.
Number two maintainingcommunication hours.
If you set boundaries aroundcommunication hours, avoid
reaching out outside of thosetimes unless it's urgent.

(13:09):
This helps build trust andrespect around the greed upon
boundaries.
The third is respecting timewith kids.
If you've set a boundary aroundminimizing calls during
parenting time, stick to it,even if you're tempted to check
in.
Consistent action reinforce theboundary and makes it easier

(13:31):
for your co-parents to respectit too.
Implementing boundariesconsistently shows your
commitment to the agreementsyou've made and reinforce a
stable environment for yourchildren.
And finally, let's talk aboutadjusting these boundaries as
needed.

(13:51):
I know that I said earliermultiple times that these are
ideal.
They are not cascaded equallyacross every relationship.
Every relationship is different, but these are strategies that
are important to creating andsetting boundaries consistently
within your co-parenting dynamic.
So life changes and so doco-parenting dynamics as your

(14:16):
children grow and situationsshift.
Be open to revisiting andadjusting boundaries.
Here are three examplesAdapting to new schedules as
your kid gets older.
School and extracurricularsmight impact parenting time.
So be open to adjustingschedules in a way that supports
your child's needs.
Updating communicationboundaries so be open to

(14:37):
adjusting schedules in a waythat supports your child's needs
.
Updating communicationboundaries If one parent starts
a new job with different hours,you might need to adjust
communication times to make themmore convenient for everyone.
Three reevaluating financialcontribution If one parent's
financial situation changessignificantly, it might be time
to revisit contributions toensure they're fair and

(14:57):
manageable.
Adjusting boundaries whennecessary keeps them relevant
and ensures they continue toserve everyone's needs,
especially the kids.
Setting up and maintainingboundaries is one of the most

(15:18):
impactful things you can do tocreate a peaceful co-parenting
environment.
When you define your needsclearly, communicate with
respect, seek agreement,implement consistently and stay
open to adjustments, you createa framework that respects both
parents and keeps the focus ofthe well-being of your children.
If you're looking for moreguidance on setting and
maintaining boundaries, my freethree-part co-parenting worship

(15:40):
has you covered.
Head over to15minuteswithdadcom for slash
co-parent to sign up.
This workshop offers practicalstrategies to help you navigate
co-parenting more confidentlyand effectively.
Next week, we'll be discussingwhat to do when boundaries are
tested because, let's face it,there will be times when they
are.
We'll cover strategies forhandling pushback and keeping

(16:02):
things on track without lettingemotions take over.
Until next time, make sure yousubscribe to 15 Minutes with Dad
on your favorite podcastplatform.
Follow us on social media 15Minutes with Dad for daily
co-parenting tips.
Follow us on social media 15Minutes with Dad for daily
co-parenting tips.
As always, join us every Fridayfor Dad List Chat on our live
call-in segment, where we'lldiscuss real-life co-parenting

(16:23):
challenges.
Remember boundaries.
Create the structure for ahealthy co-parenting
relationship.
Set them, respect them andadjust them when necessary, and
watch how they transform yourjourney.
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