Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, hello.
It's Dana Diaz with my ride ordie sister from another, Mr
Victoria, and we are.
I love my sister, yes, and welove her red glasses that, as I
always say, they're like a framefor her beautiful eyes.
I know I love those glasses onyou.
(00:23):
They're amazing.
So we're here today.
Hopefully we're going to beanswering some of the 500, some
questions we've been getting.
And don't worry, keep sendingthem in.
We will eventually get to themif we can focus and stop
rambling about other things, butthat's mostly me.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It's not mostly you, it's both of us.
And my husband says I havediarrhea in the mouth, so yeah,
I know my husband's like.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
sometimes I look at him I'm like, did you hear what
I just said?
Cause he does actually havehearing issues, honestly.
But I'll be like, did you hearwhat I just said?
And he'll be like, well, youknow, you share every thought
that you have and I'm like Iknow that that's part of my
charm.
That's what we do.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
So we've had also we talked a little bit about the
financial abuse and controlWe've had a lot of requests on
how to start preparing if theychoose to leave their situation.
A bunch of questions were likehow do I start to prepare myself
and get myself safer while I'min the process of trying to get
(01:32):
out?
I thought maybe that's a goodarea, cause we probably had
about 20 people ask differentquestions within that realm and
I kind of put little words downon the side to kind of make sure
we cover all of it, and there'sa lot you can do.
The first thing I would do is,when you get a Throw away phone
(01:52):
or a new phone I don't know ifyou're able to do it on your
current phone is make sure youdo not activate location
Servicing, like you want to makesure you don't share where you
are, because even if it's justsharing like if I had my
location servicing on for Danato see me you can be traced.
So you want to make sure youdon't have that on any of your
(02:14):
devices.
That's really important.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Absolutely, and be careful too, because I mean, I
know people, I know you havethis experience, but you know
there are people that I knowthat are with I'm trying to be
vague, but people that are inlaw enforcement or have access
to people in law enforcement.
You have to be careful becauseyour cell phone does ding off of
towers so they do have ways offinding you.
(02:41):
And you have to be careful too,because even back in the olden
days and the two thousands, um,you know, I realized that I
didn't even cover this and therewas just so much.
You can't, like you said, youcan't put everything in these
books, but, my ex, you could goto best buy or anywhere, like
any electronic store, and buylike a little tracker that
(03:01):
somebody can just stick it likeup in, like your, you know,
under your car, like under yourbumper, under your wheel,
whatever, and it will track youand you won't even know that
it's on there.
I mean, that's why, like largecompanies that provide vehicles
or have you know, people in thefield will often use some kind
of tracking device like that.
So you have to be wary thateven if you do do that, which I
(03:24):
think is a great idea turn offthat location sharing, make sure
it's not shared, but just beaware that you know there are
other ways for them to track you.
So you definitely.
If there's any way you canleave your vehicle somewhere and
be taken, either by foot or ifsomebody can drive you, or, if
you have, if you're in an areathat has public transportation,
(03:48):
that's probably best.
But just be aware that peoplecan still track you even if your
location sharing is off on yourphone, because your cell phone
will ding off of towers.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Right.
And another thing I would sayhands down that you need to do
is the rate of abuse in lawenforcement and military is
higher than in the civiliansector.
So and I was in that sector,yes so one of the things that I
did was I made sure to followevery single law to at if the
(04:20):
speed limit's 45, do not go over40, because they have to have
probable cause to pull you over.
And if your spouse, significantother, is in law enforcement or
military, they could go to,let's just say, their coworkers,
or to the MPs or whatever thecase may be, and say, hey, I
want to know why my spouse is onbase, why is she on the
(04:42):
installation, or why is shedriving around when she's
supposed to be with the kids orat work or whatever.
They have to have probablecause to pull you over.
So make sure you use your turnsignal, make sure you make a
complete stop, make sure youknow, because if you see a cop
car around and they know yourcar, especially in small towns,
then you know and they know youand they know your car, you know
(05:02):
you.
You don't trust anyone, becauseif you get pulled over, they
have what's called a kdt andthey're off in a police vehicle
and they run your tag.
Well, when they run your tag,they're going to call in and say
they're on.
Every agency has differentcodes.
It could be 10 codes, it couldbe you know different codes and
they say that they're.
They've pulled a vehicle overfor you know an expired, expired
(05:24):
tag or brake lights out or youknow, improper lane change,
failure to yield to oncomingtraffic.
It's just ridiculous.
So when they approach you ifthey do, you have the right to
record it.
You ask them as soon as theycome to the window of your
vehicle make sure you complywith everything.
Ask them if they're recording.
Do they have their body cam on?
(05:45):
Are they recording?
Um, because they're supposed tobe.
And if they don't, you have theright to ask for a supervisor.
And if they say the supervisoris unavailable, you have the
right to ask for the watchcommander.
And you know you also have aright if it's nighttime or
daytime, whatever the case may,and you're being pulled over,
say, on a side street, you havethe right to continue to drive
(06:07):
until you are in a public place,not on the side of a road, in
the middle of nowhere.
You can drive into a publicparking lot, somewhere that's
lit.
If it's at nighttime, you havethat right.
So you can do those things.
But you want to make sure thatif they pull you over, it's for
good reason, because let me tellyou these, and I can tell you
(06:30):
from experience, these guysstick together.
Not all of them, not every copin the military is bad apples,
but there are quite a few in theorchard and they stick together
.
And it's covered up, yeah, andthey stick together.
And it's covered up.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, and one thing that I'll just throw out there
and I'm not trying to scarepeople or discourage anybody but
, yes, be aware of what the lawis, but understand that, yes,
they are not all corrupt, butthey are all not going to honor
the law either.
Right, they won't.
(07:08):
And even if you are aware ofthe law and you tell them that
you are aware of the law andwhat you have a right to and
this, and that they may nothonor that, and you have to be
prepared for that.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Right, and then remember that there are things
like if you call 911, you cancall and say you want to order a
pizza.
On the new iPhones, you can gounder settings and select that
one of your buttons on the sideimmediately and silently calls
911.
And you can just tap the buttonand don't worry about anything,
(07:37):
because if they hear theescalating, then they'll hear it
and that's you know, and theyhave a way of tracking you as
well.
Then they'll hear it and that'syou know, and they have a way
of tracking you as well.
But you need to make sure that,like, you set one of those
buttons to immediately call 911.
And there are also other appsthat you can do and put on your
phone that help when thishappens.
So those are some things.
(07:58):
I'm also going to have a classset up where I'm doing that
right now, where I'm settingthat up, so all that information
will be in there as well.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Yeah, and something that I'm just throwing in there,
kind of to add to all this.
One of the things that I cameup against is, you know, my son
had asked me and honestly I wentalong with it because I was
terrified.
I never called 911.
I was never getting the policeinvolved, because we do live in
(08:29):
a small town and my kid did.
Everybody knows everything andeverybody knows everyone and
everybody thinks they knoweverybody's business, even if
it's just a rumor.
But my kid didn't want to bethe kid whose mom called the
cops on dad once or twice or amillion times.
So we just kept to ourselvesand didn't say anything to
anyone and never involved theauthorities.
(08:51):
But when it was necessary,because I honestly thought I was
going to be killed on a certainnight, I did call 911.
I had to call 911.
(09:22):
No-transcript, the deed of thatproperty.
He was not even removed fromthe property and it was the
middle of the night and he wasclearly drunk.
His firearm was not taken away.
I just want people to be awarethat the law is not always on
your side.
What?
What happened with me was theysaid that there was no paper
(09:45):
trail and I went.
You know, obviously I was alittle upset, um, and telling
them oh no, this has been goingon for years.
He did this, he did that, but Inever reported it.
So let me tell you what I foundout, unfortunately the hard way
, but which helped me later whenI went to get an order of
protection, because I faced thesame problem when I went to get
(10:06):
that you have to have a papertrail.
You do not have to call 911 toreport something that happened
in your home.
You can, at least in my area Icould go to the county sheriff's
department and I could file areport.
It's just a piece of paper.
Nobody is, you're not sittingdown with an officer or anything
(10:28):
.
They give you the piece ofpaper name, address, all your
basic info you provide.
They give you a space where youcan detail exactly what
happened, what the incident was,the date and the time of the
incident, and they file thatthey will get, at least in my
case.
They gave me a card with a casenumber on it.
It was filed.
Nobody nobody was calling my exat that point or or talking to
(10:55):
anybody, it was just in.
Basically there it wasdocumentation.
So later, when I did go to getan order of protection, even
though I still faced a judge whosaid well, if this has been
going on for 25 years, there'snot.
You know, there were just thesetwo incidents that you reported
.
How am I supposed to think thatyou're actually in danger?
And that's a whole other,separate thing.
(11:16):
But just understand, a papertrail is going to help you more
than not and you can go and filethat report more than not and
you can go and file that report,find out where you can go and
report things without anybodybeing contacted about it.
Just so there is evidence anddocumentation.
And God forbid, maybe I watchedtoo many 48 hours, but God
(11:38):
forbid, your life is taken atsome point.
You want justice, even in death, and and the justice will come
If there is evidence, if there'sdocumentation of the things
that were happening leading upto that.
But, but big but, based on whatwe were just talking about, be
(11:59):
aware if you are being tracked,if you have location sharing, if
there's a tracker on your car,whatever, please don't drive
your vehicle or take your phoneor if your spouse is a cop,
don't think they don't tell you.
Well, right, you know that'salways a possibility, but you
have to have a paper trail, youhave to have some evidence
(12:23):
somewhere paper trail.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
You have to have some evidence somewhere.
Well, I want to go and playdevil's advocate on this,
because I one thing that Danaand I do is we, we give you our
experiences and what helps andwhat doesn't help, and hope that
you know we give you somethingthat helps you.
And I want to tell you you know, I don't know if you have read
who Kicked First.
It's very detail-oriented onhow I got out.
But here's the thing Icollected so much evidence that
(12:51):
everybody was like why do youhave so much proof?
It's almost eerie.
You have so much.
I had photographs that had dateson them that coincided with
medical records and they wouldsay, oh well, you can dummy
dates on a camera.
Okay, well then you know what?
If you take your mouse and youclick over on the picture, then
(13:13):
it actually comes up with alittle block and it tells you
the date of the picture.
I had screenshot all of thosethat actually coincided with the
date on the actual photo.
So they coincided perfectlydate on the actual photo.
So they, you know, coincidedperfectly.
But I had medical records, I hadphotographs, I had witness
statements, like I had anofficer who was there when he
(13:34):
shot and killed a dog who made astatement, and it was a friend,
he was off duty, but thatdoesn't matter.
And you know, I had that.
And then I had, like I said, Ihad photographs, I had medical
records, I had witnessstatements.
I had that.
And then I had, like I said, Ihad photographs, I had medical
records, I had witnessstatements, I had doctor
statements, I had swornaffidavits from medical
personnel and the thing is hewas active duty at the time and
(13:55):
active duty military personneldon't have civilian rights,
right?
So if I tried to do anything,it was turned over to the
military, which, okay, we'regoing to open an investigation,
blah, blah, blah.
And so I kept getting proof.
Well, the reason I did wasnobody was doing anything and I
was going to his command andsaying what would you do if a
(14:17):
soldier was beating his wife?
And I would lift up mysunglasses and I'd have a big,
huge shiner or, you know, mynose would be displaced and they
would say oh, we have a termcalled grabbing real estate.
Now, if you don't know whatthat is, how would you know if
it wasn't stated to you?
So they said you know, we'lltake care of it, we're not going
to let that go.
You know we're going to takecare of it.
(14:37):
So I even went and learned thatthere is something called the
Transitional Compensation Fundfor the military that helps
people in domestic violencesituations get out.
They help compensate you tohelp you get out of that
situation, right?
I went to the advocacy center.
I had all of the pamphlets, thebrochures.
I even had the business card,which I still have, the business
(15:00):
card of the advocate who wassupposed to be helping me, with
her personal cell phone numberon it with her name, right.
So when all this was going onand we ended up back in court,
they were like oh, she must haveslipped through the cracks.
Well, obviously, how would Ihave known about transitional
compensation?
I'm a civilian, I'm not activeduty.
How would I know about thesethings if it wasn't presented to
(15:23):
me?
How would I have obtained thisinformation that is kept in the
advocacy office locked up, had Inot gone to see an advocate?
How would I have her businesscard with her cell phone and her
name on it in her handwritingif I didn't go to see her, right
?
So I had all of this stuff.
I even had the.
(15:45):
I'll say it, I wore a wire andhe confessed to everything.
I had 17 and a half hours ofconfession where he bragged
about it, where he told hiscommand of what he was doing.
He told his command how hedisfigured his brother.
He told his command how he shotand killed the dog and they did
nothing, nothing.
So I went to the base commanderand went with the base
(16:09):
commander after Faith was born,with my private investigator,
and we went and had a meetingand they said oh, we knew of a
soldier's wife who was pregnant,who was getting beaten up, and
what did y'all do about it?
Nothing, we didn't do anything.
(16:29):
Oh, okay, so all the evidenceand everything else.
I went to the civilian sectorand I had a lovely, very, very
lovely lesbian, uh butchdetective who went and grabbed
his ass off the base and lockedhim up Nine felonies dead to
(16:49):
rights, went to the Bindoverhearing and I'm in the courtroom
and he had JAG, obviously, andthey said who took out the
warrants?
And the detective said, saidthe wife did.
Well, the judge looked at meand shook his head and said all
(17:11):
charges are dismissed and I,like, came out of the chair what
?
And they said well, there'sprotocol, you have to open an
investigation, cid gets involved.
And I said I've beeninterrogated by cid, put me on
the stand, what are you doing?
And they said the MPs have toget involved, the CID get
involved, everybody was involved.
But then they're supposed towork with the civilian sector to
(17:33):
decide what charges are goingto be pressed.
And then they work with themand you know they work together
and then they go from there.
But it's the military side whotakes out all the official
warrants and all that otherstuff.
But because I did it the otherway, sol can't do anything about
it dismissed and I wasdumbfounded and so just so you
(17:58):
know and I have signed anon-disclosure so I can't be
very specific when I say thisbut I wasn't going to let my
daughter, who fought hell in ahandbasket to see her mom, give
up, and you know I was fightingfor her life, I was fighting for
my life, anything that wasn'tlife-threatening on me.
I had to wait physically to getfixed because I'm a single mom.
(18:21):
I have a tracheostomy-dependentchild.
I have a child who has seizures.
I'm a single mom.
I have a tracheostomy dependentchild.
I have a child who has seizures.
I have a child who's feedingdependent on a feeding tube.
I have a child who has to have aCPAP and a heated trach collar
and an apnea belt and a pulse oxprobe and to go to the doctor's
15 pieces of equipment that I'mcarrying by myself while
pushing her in a special cartand nobody helping me.
(18:42):
And I have all thisdisfigurement and I'm still
trying to keep my head abovewater and I am fighting.
It felt like everybody and itfelt like everybody was against
me.
But I fought and got the rightsterminated because there was no
way in Sam's green creation Iwas going to let him anywhere
around her again, and not onlythat.
But then I decided you knowwhat it's about principle and
(19:04):
moral, and because of the NDA Ican't go into much.
I sued the military.
I took it all the way tofederal and guess what I won?
I refused to give up.
I refused, and even though itwas only civil and it wasn't
criminal charges and the capthat the government put on it
was ridiculous, especially afterall the expenses come out.
The lawyers get their share.
(19:26):
You don't get enough to go anddo anything you don't even get
enough to get a house and I'mnot talking about, you know, a
half a million dollar house youdon't even get enough to get a
small house, right, you getnothing.
But it's the principle that Iwanted my child to know that you
don't back down right, thatthis is you need to hold people
accountable for their actions.
(19:46):
So all of the evidence that Ihad eventually, yes, it helped
Eventually.
Yes, he was dischargedmedically from the military for
this, but he was given benefitsfor the rest of his life.
We were given nothing, nothing,not insurance, nothing and so I
don't want people to sit thereand and don't egg on an you know
(20:09):
an event because I call them anevent, because it's not your,
that's not your partner.
Partners are equal in arelationship and that is not
your partner, that is not yourspouse, that is not your
significant other, becausethey're not Okay.
This is your abuser and you canand will survive and heal.
But don't look at them as yourequal, because you're not.
(20:31):
You are better than them.
You do not egg on and attack toget proof.
Don't do that.
Do not do that.
You, if you hear him record it,right, you can record on your
phone.
My buttons on my iphone were9-1-1, instant button to push
for recording.
And you know these are thethings that you have and you,
(20:53):
literally, if you hear themrecording, and I mean you're
recording them and they'rethreatening you and there is,
like she said, there's somebodyelse around.
That's a terroristic threat andthat's a felony.
All you have to to make it aterroristic threat and that's a
felony.
All you have to to make it aterroristic threat.
You have to have one otherperson hear the threat and then
it becomes a felony and it's nota.
He said, she said, and so that'sreally where it comes and what
(21:14):
sucks, and the laws in thiscountry need to freaking drop a
pair and get a pair really isthe fact that we are the ones
that are re-victimized on thestand.
We're the ones on the standthat have to go through the
trauma all over again when youknow it's innocent until proven
guilty.
No, not in these cases.
They want that.
(21:35):
Everybody comes after us.
Everybody comes after us andwants us to explain what did you
do wrong?
Why didn't you just make himhappy?
Why didn't you do this?
Why didn't you do that or she,whatever case may be, but they
don't interrogate theperpetrator.
Like they, they they literallyre-victimize us on the stand and
the laws do not protect us.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
No, the laws don't protect us, but I want to.
I want to just give a littleperspective.
I think I mentioned it lasttime.
I've actually spoken on thisspecific topic on many platforms
, because it is extremelysignificant and I want to make a
point and let people understandthis that the law isn't always
on your side.
You know authorities are notalways going to work in your
(22:24):
favor, and let me tell you alittle bit of why.
And it's not I'm not sayingit's right and I'm not excusing
it what you went through wasatrocious.
What I went through was, I mean, atrocious, inconscionable.
It's ridiculous because we are,we are the ones that need
protection and we don't get it.
But I think it's very, verysignificant that we have to look
(22:45):
at the way society has changedover the generations, because
the generation above us whereI'm 49, you know I'm Gen X, not
too far off of the baby boomer,but baby boomers and up, and a
lot of people that were raisedby baby boomers you have to
understand they come from a timewhen you don't talk about that
(23:08):
stuff.
Those are domestic issues thatare to be kept behind closed
doors.
Everyone knew that woman, thatneighbor down the block, was
getting beat to shit Sometimes.
Believe me, we had a neighborthat I remember once as a child,
like no joke seeing.
I remember a bunch of stuffgoing out being thrown out the
second floor window and then atypewriter went flying out and I
(23:30):
was a kid and I'm thinking, ohmy God, I sometimes play on that
lawn outside Like I could havebeen hit by it and it's not
funny.
But nobody said anything,nobody talked about it.
That was because that's whatthey were supposed to do back
then.
And so that mentality.
You know, when I look at evenmy small town that I live in now
, we're 90 miles southwest ofChicago.
(23:50):
We're not that far.
The city is much more advanced.
My dad is a retired Chicago cop, so what he has seen and what
he has advised me is fine.
But that ain't the way it isout here in the sticks, let me
tell you, 90 miles is not thatfar, and 90 miles makes a big
difference, because out here youknow the 67 year old sheriff
(24:13):
that comes around.
He's still of the mentalitythat you know keep that behind
closed doors.
We don't talk about that.
We're not arresting anybody,we're not doing anything.
Y'all need to keep it down.
Your neighbors can hear youbecause that's the mentality and
to give you guys another littleperspective on this.
And again, I'm not saying it'sright or excusing it, I just
(24:34):
want people to understand thementality.
The other aspect of this is theViolence Against Women's Act was
put out in 1994.
The Violence Against Women'sAct was put out in 1994.
I was in college when this actcame out.
Prior to that act, in 1994,which was just 30, well, 31
(24:54):
years ago, a woman couldn't filecharges against her husband.
Right, you couldn't call thecops on your husband.
Even if he beat you to a damnpulp, he could kill you honestly
and get away with it.
Not that they don't now, but Ithink we are still in a time of
transition because, again, lookat our you know, I look at my
(25:15):
husband's 11 years older.
He's absolutely a baby boomer,even though he tries to say he's
on the border of.
He is no Gen X, trust me.
He's so baby boomer, but himand his siblings he has.
You know he's a younger, he'sthe fourth out of five siblings
younger.
His family, generally they'reof the mentality that you know.
That you know you don't talkabout the bad stuff, you keep
(25:37):
everything under wraps, and thatmentality.
These are the people that are inhigher positions in the police
departments, in law enforcement.
These are the judges that arein the county circuit courts
that are deciding whether youhave orders of protection or not
.
These are the people now incharge of us, we who are
fighting for rights that wesupposedly have but aren't being
(26:01):
honored, and fighting for thelaws to work in our favor that
have been put in place butaren't being honored.
So again, not saying itentitled to, but we still have
(26:22):
to fight for it, because thepeople in charge still think
that, you know, a woman couldn'teven go get a bank account, a
checkbook, a credit card.
We can.
And some of it, I think, isresentment, because when I went
for an order of protection, itwas denied twice before finally
getting one.
The older female judge who, oh,she was something else, but she
(26:44):
I, you know.
I think there's some resentmenttoo, because you wonder, like,
did these women go through somesituations that they didn't have
the rights that we had, thatthey're like F you, if I had to
deal with it, you have to dealwith it.
So again, I keep saying it I amnot defending or excusing it in
any way but gosh darn, this iswhat we're fighting against, and
(27:07):
you are never.
No law, no act.
No, you know, black eye or ababy beaten to a pulp is going
to change.
I know it's hard, but it's notgoing to change somebody's
mentality when they're 50, 60,70 years old.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
And this is what we're fighting against.
I am hopeful that when ourchildren are older I mean I'd
like for it to be sooner.
But what you and I are doingand what we're advocating for
and creating awareness about isso that hopefully over the next
number of years we don't have tohave our kids fighting for the
(27:46):
same justice that we've had tofight for, we don't have to
worry that they will sufferinjustice like we have, that our
exes are walking around insociety, uns.
I mean I say I have said to myson since he was probably six,
seven years old you don't knowwho's at the gas station while
(28:09):
you're pumping gas, you don'tknow who you're walking by at
the Walmart who's.
You know parents of your kids.
You know friend has just gottenout of jail, or or you know I.
I mean you just don't know.
And if you do, it's even scarier.
You know just like I.
It's totally off the subject,but I had, you know, a couple of
(28:29):
months ago, had somebody kindof mock me and come at me in a
hostile way from my past aboutsome things in my book, in my
second book, and it was likeeverybody was like oh, we'll go
back at her and tell her thisand that Her brother well, yeah,
but her brother had been injail for murder and her sister
(28:52):
thought she was a witch and didspells and stuff and this was a
vengeful personality.
I'm not trying to kind of likewhat you were saying.
I'm not trying to poke asleeping bear.
I value my life and there isnothing worth my peace or my
energy.
Don't give them the energy.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Exactly, but you do have to be aware that there are
people everywhere and you don'tknow, and you do have to be very
careful and know that the lawsand your rights are not always
going to be honored and in yourfavor.
So that is why I think it'simportant for you to listen, you
know, to all this advice andall this information.
(29:30):
You just have to be aware andhave a firm plan, know what your
rights are, know what the lawsare, but know that they may not
be honored, and have a plan justin case they're not.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Because that's the reality.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Right, absolutely, and you think about it.
Domestic violence calls themost dangerous call for an
officer to respond to.
Normally they always try tohave a backup officer on scene.
They come in and they separatethe couple and they take each
other's version and then theyswitch, and then they converse
and find out what reallyhappened.
And what really just boils mehonestly, dana, is the fact that
(30:05):
more victims get incarceratedthan the attackers, and that is
not fair.
That is not fair because notonly is it wrong, because we
have the right to self-defend wedon't have to just lay there
and be someone's playground ofpunching bags.
But if we show that we havedefense wounds, and we have
(30:28):
defense wounds on the attacker,then they will take us and
incarcerate us, and that's notfair.
And so that I mean these lawsare really need to be changed in
this country because they'renot protecting us.
And then what happens?
When they take us out andincarcerate us, then they're
leaving the attack person or theattacker with our children.
(30:51):
If the children are scenario,if you get some really caring,
concerned officers, they'll saydude man, just go somewhere else
for the night, come on now,just just exactly.
You had a heated argument andyou're like do you know what
you're welcoming?
Do you know what's going tohappen when he comes back?
I mean, he's going to simmer onthis and it took a lot for me
(31:14):
to have the balls to call thepolice to begin with.
And you're coming in hereshooting the crap.
You know perfect example is wewere coming back, idiot, and I
were.
We're coming back and he'sdriving over 100 miles an hour.
No kidding, he's driving over100 miles an hour and we get
pulled over by a state trooperand I am thanking the lord at
(31:37):
this point and I'm like, finally, because state troopers are a
little more abrasive, oh yeah,and I'm thinking, oh, thank you,
we finally are gonna getbecause when I say we, I'm
talking about faith and I andI'm like, finally, they're gonna
see.
Well, the state trooperapproaches the passenger side of
the vehicle, which is perfect,spot on right, and the window is
(32:00):
down, and I put my glasses upin my hair and he could just see
the whole side of my face, likehe knew right, the whole side
of my face.
And immediately he should belike sir, I need you to turn off
the vehicle, take the keys, putthem on the dash or throw them
out the window step out of thevehicle right.
(32:21):
First thing hit and let meremind you, his knuckles busted
up right, completely busted up.
You know, you could see thatthey obviously were in some sort
of altercation.
So I am literally thanking thelord above that he got pulled
over hands of god not kidding.
So we're, I'm just like lookingover and he goes oh, we're on
(32:42):
the way back to the base, I gotcalled and we're on the way back
.
So he flashes a fake badge whichis impersonation number one,
and he doesn't even the thestate trooper doesn't verify, he
just looks at the badge and I'mlike you could have bought that
out of a gumball machine, likeI'm literally, and and he just
looks, doesn't ask me if I wantmedical attention, doesn't ask
(33:04):
me if I need medical help,because the bruises have a
little bit of yellow and alittle bit of green, so they're
not fresh, right, but his handhas not healed.
So obviously let's put two andtwo together and see that it's
not been that long, because hisknuckles are still raw.
And he turns around and he waslike OK, I'm going to go run
your license, I'll be right back, sit still.
(33:26):
And I'm literally just prayingand I'm as quiet as a mouse.
And he comes back and he waslike hey, while I'm doing all
this, why don't you come backwith me to my squad car?
And I'm like thank you God,thank you God, thank you this.
Why don't you come back with meto?
Speaker 1 (33:40):
my squad car and I'm like thank you, god thank you
God.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Thank you God finally .
And it and he can't blame mebecause I'm not at fault for
this like I didn't call him.
He actually got in a speed trap, but it's still my fault, right
?
Everything is always our fault,no matter what.
So he gets out and he walks himback.
I'm looking out the rearviewmirror and I'm looking I'm
trying to turn around and lookas well and I'm looking out the
side mirror.
Doesn't pat him down, he iscarrying.
(34:02):
Doesn't pat him down, doesn'tdo anything, and lets him sit in
the front of the squad car inthe passenger seat.
And I am like are you kidding?
Are you kidding?
And so he comes back up maybe20 minutes later and he gets in
the car and he looks at me andjust laughs and I'm like what
(34:26):
Officer, state trooper, comes upbeside me and goes ma'am, you
need to try not to be so clumsy.
And my eyes are just like what.
My eyes is like what.
And he's like you need to trynot to be so clumsy, because
then your husband wouldn't have,like, busted his hand open on
the counter trying to save youwhen you tried to fall.
I've never heard that before.
(34:48):
Never, never, ever, ever.
How do you bust your knuckleshitting the counter trying to
catch your spouse who's?
Speaker 1 (34:54):
falling.
They always have a story.
They always twist shit to theirfavor.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Right.
And so I'm in my head, whilehe's in the squad car, I'm going
OK, this is a vehicularpullover, it's a felony stop
because it was a 55 and he did,he was doing over 100.
It's a felony stop.
He's going to impound the car,he's going to release it to me,
he's going to be incarcerated.
Like I'm going through my mind,going this is it, this is
everything right, it's righthere.
Finally it's going to happen.
(35:19):
And he comes back over and,idiot, looks at me and puts his
card, puts the state trooperscard in the console between us
and he goes hey, I appreciate it.
He goes dude, you're welcome,man, when you get out, let me
know and I'll get you hired onwith us.
And I just sank in the seat.
I was like are you kidding?
I couldn't say anything.
(35:40):
He had given him his businesscard.
I thought it had the casenumber on the back and we were
going through the logistics ofit and I said is he getting a
ticket?
He goes no, it's a felony stop.
No, he didn't give him a ticket, didn't give him a warning.
No-transcript, a word for himand get him at the academy.
(36:11):
He wasn't about to get out andhe.
That's just what he told him wewere free to go.
I couldn't believe it.
Like this is the crap thathappens and people are like, oh,
that's only in movies.
No, it's not they are such atight-knit group like I'm
sitting there in my head going.
He's beating his wife.
He has to be, because how doyou see those knuckles and not
(36:34):
immediately try to save andprotect the woman?
How are you not trying to gether out and say, ma'am, I mean,
the proper thing is to put him,search him, put him in the back
of the vehicle, seek me to seeif I need medical attention, see
if I'm okay.
You know, just say for my ownsafety, because this is a felony
.
Stop, sir, for your protection,for mine, I'm going to just
(36:54):
place you in cuffs.
You're not under arrest at themoment.
However, for your protectionand mine, I'm just going to go
ahead and place you in the backof the vehicle until we sort
this out.
Right, deescalate the situationall the time, always deescalate
the situation, but no, no, andI was dumbfounded at this.
So you can do everything, right, you can do everything you're
(37:15):
ordered to do, but you're stillgoing to get it taken out on you
and the only way to get safe isin your own hands.
Like that is in your own handsand there's, you know, there's
things that we can tell you.
We're not going to advocate anddemand that you leave today
we're not going to say you knowyou've got to get out today
because it's not our place tosay you know, but I went through
(37:38):
it alone, she went through italone.
You know, we were both singlemoms and we went through hell
and we're giving you what workedfor us and what didn't work for
us.
If you don't have your stuff inorder, you don't have a safety
plan in place.
That's why people go back onaverage seven times, right?
Yes, it's worse, but the mostdangerous time in a domestic
(38:01):
situation is when you try toleave.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
That is when you try to leave and if and when you
actually do leave.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
And there are so many things that we can tell you to
help prepare and protectyourself the best way possible.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, and I want to say one thing too.
I mean what you endured.
I mean I always say it'shorrific, because it really is,
when there's visible signs,because at least, even though it
didn't work in your favor, alot of the time when you have
visible signs of domesticviolence or any type of abuse,
(38:36):
you have more of a leg to standon.
So for those out therelistening that are like well, I
never had the black eye, henever cut me with a knife, he
never shot me, he never didBelieve me.
That's where I come in.
That was my frustration.
The threat was always there.
I had things.
Guns were shot, knives wereyielded, crowbars were swung.
(38:58):
The threat was always there,but I never had any physical
sign on my body.
I never had the bruises.
Well, I shouldn't say thatthere were a few times I was
dragged on the floor, that I hadbruises and cuts.
That could easily probably beexplained away.
But when you're trying to getan order of protection, when
you're trying to get policeprotection, when you are trying
(39:21):
to just protect yourself andyour kid and hope, the
authorities are supposed to dotheir damn job and make sure
you're protected and thatnothing happens to you.
But you've never been stabbed,you've never been punched in the
eye, you've never been kickedor you know there's no physical
evidence, then society saysyou're not being abused.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
Even if the threat is there.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Yes, it absolutely is .
But how much harder than is itLike when I went to get an order
of protection, when I hadcalled the police and they're
like well, you know, I didn'thave the black eye, he shot the
gun, but he didn't actuallyshoot me.
A bullet did not enter my bodyand there were times and I know
you warned against it.
But honestly, I was sodesperate for my justice.
(40:09):
I remember telling my currenthusband and this was after my
divorce from my ex there was asituation that I'm like you, you
know you're abuser, you knowsomething is brewing.
And I remember telling myhusband I'm going to go over
there and provoke him.
I know how to push his buttons,I'm going to make him I want to
get stabbed, I want to get shot.
I wanted to because I thoughtmaybe then, maybe then somebody
(40:34):
will fricking listen to me andfr freaking hear me and do
something about this.
Well, one day, so I'm enviousof you.
I mean it's sad, I and I'm notsaying it to be funny or mocking
I'm envious of the fact thatyou did have visible evidence,
because that's what I didn'thave and I felt like that would
help me.
But then I hear your story andI'm like, well, shit, excuse my
(40:56):
language, people, but fuck, if Ihad anything on my body, what
if he had shot me those threetimes?
Would it have helped?
Would it have mattered?
What if I had ended up dead?
Do you know, my ex would dostupid crap, like he was.
I always said he wanted to killme without getting his hands
dirty.
Without getting his hands dirty, he would pledge our wooden
(41:20):
steps in our house, pledge them.
So I remember numerous timesfalling down the stairs and my
son like that's why it made methink of it.
My son would always say, gosh,you're so clumsy.
Yeah, I'm clumsy.
They even nicknamed me Gracie.
My husband and my son wouldcall me Gracie when I would have
(41:42):
a clumsy moment.
Yeah, and it's like no, thatMF-er, because I actually caught
him.
There were two times over the 25years that I caught him.
He would even do it on thefloors pledge, he wasn't trying
to clean anything.
He wanted me to slip and falldown those stairs and crack my
damn neck and say, oh, poor her,she died.
Now I get the life insurance.
And then he'd he'd thrive onthe pity of.
(42:02):
Oh, now I'm a single father andI have our son and for me and
the crocodile tears and cash inon it and F that, f that.
But you have to be carefulabout these things because
whether they're trying to killyou by pledging the stairs or
actually punching you in thedamn face, the justice is just
not always there for us, andthat's something that I know.
(42:24):
You and I both have peoplereach out to us all the time
that are just at their wits endbecause I'm going to court for
the millionth time or he didthis and nothing's being done.
No, nothing, nothing often isdone.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
Well, one thing I would say, and I'm pretty sure
that you would agree with me, isif they do verbally threaten
you and anyone is around and canhear, go to the police because
it's a terrorist threat, at thatpoint it is a felony and, yes,
they might not have put theirhands on you, but abuse is abuse
and you know what I always sayand people look at me and
they're like Victoria, are youserious Bruises?
(42:59):
Heal Words, don't like.
They stay with you forever.
You know, I can't tell you howmany times he hit me.
I mean he testified.
If he hit me once, he hit me200 and that's his mouth, right,
so you don't remember everysingle one.
But some of the words they neverleave you.
And if he or she threatens youand says I'm going to you, know
(43:20):
whatever, and there's anotherperson around, call the police,
because then it's a terroristicthreat, because you have to have
a witness and you have one andthat's a felony.
And you know, yes, it's harderto prove when you don't have
marks of indication on yourperson, but a felony for a
terroristic threat is still afelony, right, and it gets a
(43:42):
report done and these are thingsthat can get done.
I hate our laws for domesticviolence.
I think they need to be changed.
I would love to try to startdoing that.
I would love to try to make ourway to making new laws, because
that needs to be done.
We are not protected as asociety and I don't know what
(44:02):
else we can do when it comes toprotecting ourself and our
children.
Right, I mean, we have our ownright to protect our kids and
ourself, and we don't have thelegal or law enforcement
protection that is rightfullydue to us?
Speaker 1 (44:21):
No, we don't, and we're women and the laws have
worked against us overgenerations.
So I want to put a little shoutout there, though, for our male
listeners, because I think thatit's.
I mean, I can't even imaginewe're trying to fight for our
rights as women, and imaginebeing a man that's being abused
(44:42):
and it happens.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Especially in the gay community, they get such a hard
time.
I have my heartbreak.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
Especially in heterosexual communities, though
, do you know?
Yes, if an officer is called toa domestic, and you know what,
if it's a little woman like me,a hundred pounds, five, three,
and you have a big.
You know my husband's six, four, he's almost six, five actually
, but two, 20, six, five, two,20.
And oh, my wife gave me thisblack eye.
(45:09):
Those officers are laughingthere.
I mean, I'm not saying all ofthem.
Those men have been made fun ofand laughed and oh, she can't.
I actually had once that didn'tend up in the book either.
But an officer show up and hewas actually just as tall as my
current husband.
But he, you know, officer,wants to speak to you out on the
(45:30):
porch and I'm like, what thehell did I do?
And I go out there.
I let no-transcript that youwere.
(46:00):
I forgot what the threat was,but that I was like abusing
somebody or threatening somebodywho's like, oh, you obviously
couldn't do anything to him andI couldn't believe that son of a
bucket and all I was doing wasgiving my son a fricking bath
that night.
I had no idea.
But they, you know, butnarcissists, always try to set
you up, you know, to give theimpression.
(46:21):
But it was just like.
When I look at that situation,I mean thank God that you know I
, you know the officer didn'tbelieve it, for you know a lick
of it.
But I mean the fact that he,literally, as a man calling
abuse on you, know that his wifeis abusing him and that's what
the officer did Literally lookedme up and down and started
laughing and imagine what hemight've gone back and told his
(46:43):
fellow officers and said when hegot back to the station.
So what justice are men getting?
I have a lot of men come forwardto me, both, you know,
heterosexual and homosexual orbisexual or whatever sexual, and
homosexual or bisexual orwhatever sexual, and you know
they're kind of they feel likeashamed that they were abused,
(47:03):
and many of them I thought itwas interesting, a lot of them
that have come forward to me atleast have been military,
they're former military andthese are like bad-ass mother
truckers like that have been inwars and have actually had to,
you know, shoot guns at peopleand kill people and they've been
abused, whether it'sfinancially or sexually or
(47:25):
however, or physically even, andit's just really sad to me that
it doesn't matter.
You can't even win if you're aguy.
You can win if you're theabuser and you happen to have
military or law enforcementconnections that will ensure
that you get off.
But what's worse about that?
I mean, I love 48 hours.
It's like I fall asleep to itevery night.
(47:47):
It's really kind of a traumaresponse, but it's my thing.
Um, but it's weird because a lotof the time I mean these there
are.
A lot of the time I mean thereare a lot of men that, like you
said, are in the military or inlaw enforcement.
They know the laws, they knowthe loopholes and they know how
to get around it, and oftentimesyou do see a prevalence in that
(48:08):
, because if it's just acivilian, even if they're really
well I don't want to sayintelligent.
But even if they know how toget around certain things, they
don't know everything and theydon't have the connection.
So eventually they're caught,even if they are smart about it.
But you have to stay a stepahead.
You always you know your abuserbest.
Think how they think.
I always said that I hated whatmy ex turned me into.
(48:32):
At the time I had to be just assecretive and dishonest and
manipulative, but I had to if Iwas going to survive and I don't
regret a moment of it because Iam standing here and I'm alive
and you're here and yourdaughter's here, and you know we
want everybody else to be ableto continue to live their lives
and move past theircircumstances, if you're still
(48:54):
in them.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
Yes, absolutely Absolutely.
Circumstances if you're stillin them yes, absolutely
Absolutely.
And a couple other things thatwe were talking about.
People are asking how they canprotect themselves as they're
getting ready to get out.
You can go in and change your.
So I'm looking at some of thequestions here, so I'm reading
some of them.
You know how can we protectourself online?
You know you can change yoursocial media.
(49:16):
You can change your socialmedia settings.
You can adjust all of yourprofiles to a privacy on social
media and that limits what yourpartner can see.
If you do post, remember youdon't know who's in his pocket,
metaphorically, where you mightput something out there and you
can choose who sees it.
Like you can name certainfriends who sees it and certain
(49:37):
people who cannot, but you don'tknow if the ones that can see
it are going back to him andtelling him.
So really, make sure whatyou're putting out there is so
important to you that you feelyou have to put it out there.
You know, sometimes even takinga little hiatus is not such a
bad thing.
Changing all new accounts, youknow is is very normal and it's
(49:58):
actually something I suggestdoing.
You need to check your accountsregularly for any unauthorized
transactions or transitions.
I do the double factor onanything when you log in, like
and it's a pain in the butt, itis like, but if you go into, say
, my Instagram, you have to havetwo tier factor to log in and
(50:22):
that way it's just an extrasetting, like it has to go to
your cell phone and they giveyou a code and you put the code
in or you know you could do thaton almost anything now, like
your Google account.
You can do that where you haveto.
You know even my Canva account.
I know that's so tedious andridiculous, but I that's just
our mindset, cause that's who weare and what we've been through
is that I've always put it thatway and I do that because I
(50:44):
work with so many amazing peopleand I don't want any of their
information to go into anyone'shand.
That's not supposed to so.
I always make sure that there'stwo factor verification
everywhere, but you can do thatas well.
You can also use a specificmessaging app.
I don't have any of the namesof them right in front of me,
but they are out there that areencrypted and that will help.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Can I just say one thing on that Facebook Messenger
is actually one of the worst.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
I'm sure it is.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
It's not used to message, so I would just be
aware of that.
If you are on any Wi-Fi network, even at your kid's school,
that information is accessible.
And I would also say I agreewith the two-factor
authorization.
I actually have mine set.
I know you can choose Mine's afingerprint access on all the
(51:36):
apps on my phone and everything.
And I have my phone locked.
My computer is locked with apassword.
I know my son has his phonewhere it has to look at your
eyeball, his eyeball or whatever.
So you know there's ways,there's facial recognition,
there's all kinds of ways youcan protect your stuff, but you
should have it all on lockdown100%.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Absolutely, and you know we have so many requests to
go over and talk about so manyother important other things.
But another thing I want tomention, because I just was
thinking about earlier when youwere talking, is when you do,
when or if you do and you go getsomewhere else.
You know, luckily a lot ofprices have gone down on a lot
of things.
And you can go to Amazon.
You could even do Teemu,believe it or not.
(52:19):
Make sure you do your Rakutenor your Retail Me, Not because
they give you price back, cashback percentages, but I even
even in our home now we have thekeypad where you punch in a
code so they can't get a copy ofyour key, don't?
do your birthday or your dad?
Your dad, mom or child's dateof birth, don't do anything like
(52:40):
that.
But I took it one step furtherand I got one that has a
fingerprint on it right, so youcan do fingerprint you also.
They also now come where theycan do it by phone, so you can
check your phone even in bed atnight.
Make sure that it's locked, uh,that your door is locked.
My front door I have.
I have the code on it, I havethe fingerprint on it and once I
shut it it locks automatically.
(53:01):
So like if I'm running into thehouse and I shut the door and
I'm trying to grab faith orwhatever, it locks by itself.
Speaker 1 (53:08):
Yeah, I had that at my old house, but it was
phenomenal.
I always loved hearing thatannoying grinding of the lock.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
I always loved hearing that annoying grinding
of the lock, but it was it wassafety to me.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Yeah, and I would also.
I'm a big fan of, I mean.
What saved me after the twoincidences of domestic violence
was for 99, 99.
I got a three camera blinksystem off at Amazon.
And let me tell you those threelittle cameras.
They sense any motion If a leafflies by.
I got an alert on my phone, butI had video and audio and I put
(53:42):
all three cameras up.
And let me tell you, when I putthose up and he knew he was
being watched, it's amazing howangelic he suddenly became.
Nothing ever happened afterthat.
Now did I catch other things?
Yeah, there were still verbalaltercations and things, but the
actual physical attemptsagainst me did stop.
(54:05):
But I always felt better thateven if something had happened,
even if it was just the audio,it would catch it.
It's in a recording and even ifthe phone was smashed to bits,
it can be accessed through theblink system.
So, be aware of that.
The ring doorbells, thewhatever.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
Costco has a great set.
Yeah, we got them, you can findthem anywhere, now, anywhere.
Speaker 1 (54:29):
And let me tell you I am not technologically.
If there's anyone out there islike I'm not good with it, I
can't like I and I let mebacktrack to this just to say
how technologically inept I havebeen.
I didn't even well because thisis relevant to what you were
saying about apps and passcodesand social media my ex had me so
(54:51):
isolated.
You know narcissism is in 101is isolation.
I didn't have any kind of asmartphone until after the
divorce in 2000 and went late,like I'm talking, november,
december of 2020.
I got my first smartphone.
So I did not even have asmartphone.
(55:11):
I still had the little sliderthing.
I didn't even have emojis.
There was no computer onlineaccess.
I couldn't get apps.
I didn't even know what apodcast was.
Never heard one in my life.
He didn't like me on thecomputer.
He didn't like me reading books.
Even so, I had no access toanything.
(55:34):
But these days I don't eventhink they have a 3G network
anymore.
You have to be on 4G or 5G.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
Right.
Speaker 1 (55:41):
So you have to have a smartphone, thank God.
But for those that might be outthere, or if you know somebody,
just don't assume that somebodyhas access to anything and it
is almost better.
I was almost glad, actually,that I didn't have access to
social media.
I was never on it and honestly,I wouldn't be on it now.
It is not my wish, but being anauthor and a speaker and a
(56:04):
podcaster and all that, you geton social media.
But I would just say, if you,if you don't have to be on it,
you don't, I would get off of it.
Because even with thesmartphones I mean anywhere I go
, anywhere anyone goes yoursmartphones are picking up on
everybody around you.
If you're right, if somebodycomes to your house, you have a
meeting with somebodyprofessionally, you're near
(56:27):
somebody in line at a long lineat the grocery store.
Suddenly in your social mediaand on your phone, oh, people
you may know and you're like Idon't know any of these damn
people, but there are contactsfrom other people's phones.
So even if you have a differentname or something just saying
it might come up.
You know, ooh, sorry, there wasa big thunder, we're expecting
(56:48):
severe storms today and I thinkthey're here.
Speaker 2 (56:50):
It just like the whole ground and everything just
we're going to cut this shortin a minute because I'm not
losing this, because we'vealready had to redo.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
Yeah, I knew it was coming and that's why I wanted
to get our recording in, because, yeah, the kittens and I might
need to go downstairs.
They're saying it's going toget pretty bad, but I live in a
fortress.
Thank God, my husband built mea wonderful, beautiful place,
but the basement is the place tobe for the rest of of today, so
I think we're going to go downthere and I'll play ping pong
(57:18):
with the kitties and, uh, watchthe weather okay yeah we'll be
fine.
We always are.
Like I said, even if a tornadowere to come through, this place
is is very solid.
I would not want to be anywhereelse, but um, yeah that that
thunder was the first one, thefirst sign of the storm, and
just shook everything.
(57:39):
So, whoo, yeah, we're about tocut it off, but I always and
everybody catches me when I'mpodcasting or hosting or
interviewing.
Speaker 2 (57:47):
We have monitors in my office and we have nine
cameras out just outside aloneand it covers every inch of all
of our property and it's also apiece of mind because we hooked.
It's also a peace of mindbecause we hooked it up to a
tell, to televisions, and I'msitting here in the office and
like anytime somebody drives byor whatever, I can see, you know
who they are, what they'redoing and whatever.
(58:07):
And it's it's.
It's really a peace of mind tobe able to look at it and be
like, okay, everything's cool,you know we're good and to know
that, but it's also recorded andbacked up on on.
you know it's on device here andwe pay for that and that peace
of mind is is incredible.
And not to mention if you doown your own place and you tell
your insurance people that youknow you have cameras you know,
(58:31):
you get discounts, so there'splenty of reason for it, right?
So, that being said, we aregoing to get Dana to safety
because she needs to getdownstairs with turbo and my
cute little, and we are going tokeep getting to these questions
and and I love all of the inputeverybody's giving me.
(58:51):
I really appreciate it.
I know Dana does as well.
Keep reaching out to both of usand we are here and you are not
alone.
Speaker 1 (58:59):
Amen, we'll see you next time.
Hello, hello.
It's Dana Diaz with my ride ordie sister from another, Mr
Victoria, and we are.
I love my sister, yes, and welove her red glasses that, as I
always say, they're like a framefor her beautiful eyes.
I know I love those glasses onyou.
(00:23):
They're amazing.
So we're here today.
Hopefully we're going to beanswering some of the 500, some
questions we've been getting.
And don't worry, keep sendingthem in.
We will eventually get to themif we can focus and stop
rambling about other things, butthat's mostly me.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
It's not mostly you, it's both of us.
And my husband says I havediarrhea in the mouth, so yeah,
I know my husband's like.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
sometimes I look at him I'm like, did you hear what
I just said?
Cause he does actually havehearing issues, honestly.
But I'll be like, did you hearwhat I just said?
And he'll be like, well, youknow, you share every thought
that you have and I'm like Iknow that that's part of my
charm.
That's what we do.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
So we've had also we talked a little bit about the
financial abuse and controlWe've had a lot of requests on
how to start preparing if theychoose to leave their situation.
A bunch of questions were likehow do I start to prepare myself
and get myself safer while I'min the process of trying to get
(01:32):
out?
I thought maybe that's a goodarea, cause we probably had
about 20 people ask differentquestions within that realm and
I kind of put little words downon the side to kind of make sure
we cover all of it, and there'sa lot you can do.
The first thing I would do is,when you get a Throw away phone
(01:52):
or a new phone I don't know ifyou're able to do it on your
current phone is make sure youdo not activate location
Servicing, like you want to makesure you don't share where you
are, because even if it's justsharing like if I had my
location servicing on for Danato see me you can be traced.
So you want to make sure youdon't have that on any of your
(02:14):
devices.
That's really important.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
Absolutely, and be careful too, because I mean, I
know people, I know you havethis experience, but you know
there are people that I knowthat are with I'm trying to be
vague, but people that are inlaw enforcement or have access
to people in law enforcement.
You have to be careful becauseyour cell phone does ding off of
towers so they do have ways offinding you.
(02:41):
And you have to be careful too,because even back in the olden
days and the two thousands, um,you know, I realized that I
didn't even cover this and therewas just so much.
You can't, like you said, youcan't put everything in these
books, but, my ex, you could goto best buy or anywhere, like
any electronic store, and buylike a little tracker that
(03:01):
somebody can just stick it likeup in, like your, you know,
under your car, like under yourbumper, under your wheel,
whatever, and it will track youand you won't even know that
it's on there.
I mean, that's why, like largecompanies that provide vehicles
or have you know, people in thefield will often use some kind
of tracking device like that.
So you have to be wary thateven if you do do that, which I
(03:24):
think is a great idea turn offthat location sharing, make sure
it's not shared, but just beaware that you know there are
other ways for them to track you.
So you definitely.
If there's any way you canleave your vehicle somewhere and
be taken, either by foot or ifsomebody can drive you, or, if
you have, if you're in an areathat has public transportation,
(03:48):
that's probably best.
But just be aware that peoplecan still track you even if your
location sharing is off on yourphone, because your cell phone
will ding off of towers.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Right.
And another thing I would sayhands down that you need to do
is the rate of abuse in lawenforcement and military is
higher than in the civiliansector.
So and I was in that sector,yes so one of the things that I
did was I made sure to followevery single law to at if the
(04:20):
speed limit's 45, do not go over40, because they have to have
probable cause to pull you over.
And if your spouse, significantother, is in law enforcement or
military, they could go to,let's just say, their coworkers,
or to the MPs or whatever thecase may be, and say, hey, I
want to know why my spouse is onbase, why is she on the
(04:42):
installation, or why is shedriving around when she's
supposed to be with the kids orat work or whatever.
They have to have probablecause to pull you over.
So make sure you use your turnsignal, make sure you make a
complete stop, make sure youknow, because if you see a cop
car around and they know yourcar, especially in small towns,
then you know and they know youand they know your car, you know
(05:02):
you.
You don't trust anyone, becauseif you get pulled over, they
have what's called a kdt andthey're off in a police vehicle
and they run your tag.
Well, when they run your tag,they're going to call in and say
they're on.
Every agency has differentcodes.
It could be 10 codes, it couldbe you know different codes and
they say that they're.
They've pulled a vehicle overfor you know an expired, expired
(05:24):
tag or brake lights out or youknow, improper lane change,
failure to yield to oncomingtraffic.
It's just ridiculous.
So when they approach you ifthey do, you have the right to
record it.
You ask them as soon as theycome to the window of your
vehicle make sure you complywith everything.
Ask them if they're recording.
Do they have their body cam on?
(05:45):
Are they recording?
Um, because they're supposed tobe.
And if they don't, you have theright to ask for a supervisor.
And if they say the supervisoris unavailable, you have the
right to ask for the watchcommander.
And you know you also have aright if it's nighttime or
daytime, whatever the case may,and you're being pulled over,
say, on a side street, you havethe right to continue to drive
(06:07):
until you are in a public place,not on the side of a road, in
the middle of nowhere.
You can drive into a publicparking lot, somewhere that's
lit.
If it's at nighttime, you havethat right.
So you can do those things.
But you want to make sure thatif they pull you over, it's for
good reason, because let me tellyou these, and I can tell you
(06:30):
from experience, these guysstick together.
Not all of them, not every copin the military is bad apples,
but there are quite a few in theorchard and they stick together
.
And it's covered up, yeah, andthey stick together.
And it's covered up.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Yeah, and one thing that I'll just throw out there
and I'm not trying to scarepeople or discourage anybody but
, yes, be aware of what the lawis, but understand that, yes,
they are not all corrupt, butthey are all not going to honor
the law either.
Right, they won't.
(07:08):
And even if you are aware ofthe law and you tell them that
you are aware of the law andwhat you have a right to and
this, and that they may nothonor that, and you have to be
prepared for that.
Speaker 2 (07:15):
Right, and then remember that there are things
like if you call 911, you cancall and say you want to order a
pizza.
On the new iPhones, you can gounder settings and select that
one of your buttons on the sideimmediately and silently calls
911.
And you can just tap the buttonand don't worry about anything,
(07:37):
because if they hear theescalating, then they'll hear it
and that's you know, and theyhave a way of tracking you as
well.
Then they'll hear it and that'syou know, and they have a way
of tracking you as well.
But you need to make sure that,like, you set one of those
buttons to immediately call 911.
And there are also other appsthat you can do and put on your
phone that help when thishappens.
So those are some things.
(07:58):
I'm also going to have a classset up where I'm doing that
right now, where I'm settingthat up, so all that information
will be in there as well.
Speaker 1 (08:08):
Yeah, and something that I'm just throwing in there,
kind of to add to all this.
One of the things that I cameup against is, you know, my son
had asked me and honestly I wentalong with it because I was
terrified.
I never called 911.
I was never getting the policeinvolved, because we do live in
(08:29):
a small town and my kid did.
Everybody knows everything andeverybody knows everyone and
everybody thinks they knoweverybody's business, even if
it's just a rumor.
But my kid didn't want to bethe kid whose mom called the
cops on dad once or twice or amillion times.
So we just kept to ourselvesand didn't say anything to
anyone and never involved theauthorities.
(08:51):
But when it was necessary,because I honestly thought I was
going to be killed on a certainnight, I did call 911.
I had to call 911.
(09:22):
No-transcript, the deed of thatproperty.
He was not even removed fromthe property and it was the
middle of the night and he wasclearly drunk.
His firearm was not taken away.
I just want people to be awarethat the law is not always on
your side.
What?
What happened with me was theysaid that there was no paper
(09:45):
trail and I went.
You know, obviously I was alittle upset, um, and telling
them oh no, this has been goingon for years.
He did this, he did that, but Inever reported it.
So let me tell you what I foundout, unfortunately the hard way
, but which helped me later whenI went to get an order of
protection, because I faced thesame problem when I went to get
(10:06):
that you have to have a papertrail.
You do not have to call 911 toreport something that happened
in your home.
You can, at least in my area Icould go to the county sheriff's
department and I could file areport.
It's just a piece of paper.
Nobody is, you're not sittingdown with an officer or anything
(10:28):
.
They give you the piece ofpaper name, address, all your
basic info you provide.
They give you a space where youcan detail exactly what
happened, what the incident was,the date and the time of the
incident, and they file thatthey will get, at least in my
case.
They gave me a card with a casenumber on it.
It was filed.
Nobody nobody was calling my exat that point or or talking to
(10:55):
anybody, it was just in.
Basically there it wasdocumentation.
So later, when I did go to getan order of protection, even
though I still faced a judge whosaid well, if this has been
going on for 25 years, there'snot.
You know, there were just thesetwo incidents that you reported
.
How am I supposed to think thatyou're actually in danger?
And that's a whole other,separate thing.
(11:16):
But just understand, a papertrail is going to help you more
than not and you can go and filethat report more than not and
you can go and file that report,find out where you can go and
report things without anybodybeing contacted about it.
Just so there is evidence anddocumentation.
And God forbid, maybe I watchedtoo many 48 hours, but God
(11:38):
forbid, your life is taken atsome point.
You want justice, even in death, and and the justice will come
If there is evidence, if there'sdocumentation of the things
that were happening leading upto that.
But, but big but, based on whatwe were just talking about, be
(11:59):
aware if you are being tracked,if you have location sharing, if
there's a tracker on your car,whatever, please don't drive
your vehicle or take your phoneor if your spouse is a cop,
don't think they don't tell you.
Well, right, you know that'salways a possibility, but you
have to have a paper trail, youhave to have some evidence
(12:23):
somewhere paper trail.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
You have to have some evidence somewhere.
Well, I want to go and playdevil's advocate on this,
because I one thing that Danaand I do is we, we give you our
experiences and what helps andwhat doesn't help, and hope that
you know we give you somethingthat helps you.
And I want to tell you you know, I don't know if you have read
who Kicked First.
It's very detail-oriented onhow I got out.
But here's the thing Icollected so much evidence that
(12:51):
everybody was like why do youhave so much proof?
It's almost eerie.
You have so much.
I had photographs that had dateson them that coincided with
medical records and they wouldsay, oh well, you can dummy
dates on a camera.
Okay, well then you know what?
If you take your mouse and youclick over on the picture, then
(13:13):
it actually comes up with alittle block and it tells you
the date of the picture.
I had screenshot all of thosethat actually coincided with the
date on the actual photo.
So they coincided perfectlydate on the actual photo.
So they, you know, coincidedperfectly.
But I had medical records, I hadphotographs, I had witness
statements, like I had anofficer who was there when he
(13:34):
shot and killed a dog who made astatement, and it was a friend,
he was off duty, but thatdoesn't matter.
And you know, I had that.
And then I had, like I said, Ihad photographs, I had medical
records, I had witnessstatements.
I had that.
And then I had, like I said, Ihad photographs, I had medical
records, I had witnessstatements, I had doctor
statements, I had swornaffidavits from medical
personnel and the thing is hewas active duty at the time and
(13:55):
active duty military personneldon't have civilian rights,
right?
So if I tried to do anything,it was turned over to the
military, which, okay, we'regoing to open an investigation,
blah, blah, blah.
And so I kept getting proof.
Well, the reason I did wasnobody was doing anything and I
was going to his command andsaying what would you do if a
(14:17):
soldier was beating his wife?
And I would lift up mysunglasses and I'd have a big,
huge shiner or, you know, mynose would be displaced and they
would say oh, we have a termcalled grabbing real estate.
Now, if you don't know whatthat is, how would you know if
it wasn't stated to you?
So they said you know, we'lltake care of it, we're not going
to let that go.
You know we're going to takecare of it.
(14:37):
So I even went and learned thatthere is something called the
Transitional Compensation Fundfor the military that helps
people in domestic violencesituations get out.
They help compensate you tohelp you get out of that
situation, right?
I went to the advocacy center.
I had all of the pamphlets, thebrochures.
I even had the business card,which I still have, the business
(15:00):
card of the advocate who wassupposed to be helping me, with
her personal cell phone numberon it with her name, right.
So when all this was going onand we ended up back in court,
they were like oh, she must haveslipped through the cracks.
Well, obviously, how would Ihave known about transitional
compensation?
I'm a civilian, I'm not activeduty.
How would I know about thesethings if it wasn't presented to
(15:23):
me?
How would I have obtained thisinformation that is kept in the
advocacy office locked up, had Inot gone to see an advocate?
How would I have her businesscard with her cell phone and her
name on it in her handwritingif I didn't go to see her, right
?
So I had all of this stuff.
I even had the.
(15:45):
I'll say it, I wore a wire andhe confessed to everything.
I had 17 and a half hours ofconfession where he bragged
about it, where he told hiscommand of what he was doing.
He told his command how hedisfigured his brother.
He told his command how he shotand killed the dog and they did
nothing, nothing.
So I went to the base commanderand went with the base
(16:09):
commander after Faith was born,with my private investigator,
and we went and had a meetingand they said oh, we knew of a
soldier's wife who was pregnant,who was getting beaten up, and
what did y'all do about it?
Nothing, we didn't do anything.
(16:29):
Oh, okay, so all the evidenceand everything else.
I went to the civilian sectorand I had a lovely, very, very
lovely lesbian, uh butchdetective who went and grabbed
his ass off the base and lockedhim up Nine felonies dead to
(16:49):
rights, went to the Bindoverhearing and I'm in the courtroom
and he had JAG, obviously, andthey said who took out the
warrants?
And the detective said, saidthe wife did.
Well, the judge looked at meand shook his head and said all
(17:11):
charges are dismissed and I,like, came out of the chair what
?
And they said well, there'sprotocol, you have to open an
investigation, cid gets involved.
And I said I've beeninterrogated by cid, put me on
the stand, what are you doing?
And they said the MPs have toget involved, the CID get
involved, everybody was involved.
But then they're supposed towork with the civilian sector to
(17:33):
decide what charges are goingto be pressed.
And then they work with themand you know they work together
and then they go from there.
But it's the military side whotakes out all the official
warrants and all that otherstuff.
But because I did it the otherway, sol can't do anything about
it dismissed and I wasdumbfounded and so just so you
(17:58):
know and I have signed anon-disclosure so I can't be
very specific when I say thisbut I wasn't going to let my
daughter, who fought hell in ahandbasket to see her mom, give
up, and you know I was fightingfor her life, I was fighting for
my life, anything that wasn'tlife-threatening on me.
I had to wait physically to getfixed because I'm a single mom.
(18:21):
I have a tracheostomy-dependentchild.
I have a child who has seizures.
I'm a single mom.
I have a tracheostomy dependentchild.
I have a child who has seizures.
I have a child who's feedingdependent on a feeding tube.
I have a child who has to have aCPAP and a heated trach collar
and an apnea belt and a pulse oxprobe and to go to the doctor's
15 pieces of equipment that I'mcarrying by myself while
pushing her in a special cartand nobody helping me.
(18:42):
And I have all thisdisfigurement and I'm still
trying to keep my head abovewater and I am fighting.
It felt like everybody and itfelt like everybody was against
me.
But I fought and got the rightsterminated because there was no
way in Sam's green creation Iwas going to let him anywhere
around her again, and not onlythat.
But then I decided you knowwhat it's about principle and
(19:04):
moral, and because of the NDA Ican't go into much.
I sued the military.
I took it all the way tofederal and guess what I won?
I refused to give up.
I refused, and even though itwas only civil and it wasn't
criminal charges and the capthat the government put on it
was ridiculous, especially afterall the expenses come out.
The lawyers get their share.
(19:26):
You don't get enough to go anddo anything you don't even get
enough to get a house and I'mnot talking about, you know, a
half a million dollar house youdon't even get enough to get a
small house, right, you getnothing.
But it's the principle that Iwanted my child to know that you
don't back down right, thatthis is you need to hold people
accountable for their actions.
(19:46):
So all of the evidence that Ihad eventually, yes, it helped
Eventually.
Yes, he was dischargedmedically from the military for
this, but he was given benefitsfor the rest of his life.
We were given nothing, nothing,not insurance, nothing and so I
don't want people to sit thereand and don't egg on an you know
(20:09):
an event because I call them anevent, because it's not your,
that's not your partner.
Partners are equal in arelationship and that is not
your partner, that is not yourspouse, that is not your
significant other, becausethey're not Okay.
This is your abuser and you canand will survive and heal.
But don't look at them as yourequal, because you're not.
(20:31):
You are better than them.
You do not egg on and attack toget proof.
Don't do that.
Do not do that.
You, if you hear him record it,right, you can record on your
phone.
My buttons on my iphone were9-1-1, instant button to push
for recording.
And you know these are thethings that you have and you,
(20:53):
literally, if you hear themrecording, and I mean you're
recording them and they'rethreatening you and there is,
like she said, there's somebodyelse around.
That's a terroristic threat andthat's a felony.
All you have to to make it aterroristic threat and that's a
felony.
All you have to to make it aterroristic threat.
You have to have one otherperson hear the threat and then
it becomes a felony and it's nota.
He said, she said, and so that'sreally where it comes and what
(21:14):
sucks, and the laws in thiscountry need to freaking drop a
pair and get a pair really isthe fact that we are the ones
that are re-victimized on thestand.
We're the ones on the standthat have to go through the
trauma all over again when youknow it's innocent until proven
guilty.
No, not in these cases.
They want that.
(21:35):
Everybody comes after us.
Everybody comes after us andwants us to explain what did you
do wrong?
Why didn't you just make himhappy?
Why didn't you do this?
Why didn't you do that or she,whatever case may be, but they
don't interrogate theperpetrator.
Like they, they they literallyre-victimize us on the stand and
the laws do not protect us.
Speaker 1 (21:55):
No, the laws don't protect us, but I want to.
I want to just give a littleperspective.
I think I mentioned it lasttime.
I've actually spoken on thisspecific topic on many platforms
, because it is extremelysignificant and I want to make a
point and let people understandthis that the law isn't always
on your side.
You know authorities are notalways going to work in your
(22:24):
favor, and let me tell you alittle bit of why.
And it's not I'm not sayingit's right and I'm not excusing
it what you went through wasatrocious.
What I went through was, I mean, atrocious, inconscionable.
It's ridiculous because we are,we are the ones that need
protection and we don't get it.
But I think it's very, verysignificant that we have to look
(22:45):
at the way society has changedover the generations, because
the generation above us whereI'm 49, you know I'm Gen X, not
too far off of the baby boomer,but baby boomers and up, and a
lot of people that were raisedby baby boomers you have to
understand they come from a timewhen you don't talk about that
(23:08):
stuff.
Those are domestic issues thatare to be kept behind closed
doors.
Everyone knew that woman, thatneighbor down the block, was
getting beat to shit Sometimes.
Believe me, we had a neighborthat I remember once as a child,
like no joke seeing.
I remember a bunch of stuffgoing out being thrown out the
second floor window and then atypewriter went flying out and I
(23:30):
was a kid and I'm thinking, ohmy God, I sometimes play on that
lawn outside Like I could havebeen hit by it and it's not
funny.
But nobody said anything,nobody talked about it.
That was because that's whatthey were supposed to do back
then.
And so that mentality.
You know, when I look at evenmy small town that I live in now
, we're 90 miles southwest ofChicago.
(23:50):
We're not that far.
The city is much more advanced.
My dad is a retired Chicago cop, so what he has seen and what
he has advised me is fine.
But that ain't the way it isout here in the sticks, let me
tell you, 90 miles is not thatfar, and 90 miles makes a big
difference, because out here youknow the 67 year old sheriff
(24:13):
that comes around.
He's still of the mentalitythat you know keep that behind
closed doors.
We don't talk about that.
We're not arresting anybody,we're not doing anything.
Y'all need to keep it down.
Your neighbors can hear youbecause that's the mentality and
to give you guys another littleperspective on this.
And again, I'm not saying it'sright or excusing it, I just
(24:34):
want people to understand thementality.
The other aspect of this is theViolence Against Women's Act was
put out in 1994.
The Violence Against Women'sAct was put out in 1994.
I was in college when this actcame out.
Prior to that act, in 1994,which was just 30, well, 31
(24:54):
years ago, a woman couldn't filecharges against her husband.
Right, you couldn't call thecops on your husband.
Even if he beat you to a damnpulp, he could kill you honestly
and get away with it.
Not that they don't now, but Ithink we are still in a time of
transition because, again, lookat our you know, I look at my
(25:15):
husband's 11 years older.
He's absolutely a baby boomer,even though he tries to say he's
on the border of.
He is no Gen X, trust me.
He's so baby boomer, but himand his siblings he has.
You know he's a younger, he'sthe fourth out of five siblings
younger.
His family, generally they'reof the mentality that you know.
That you know you don't talkabout the bad stuff, you keep
(25:37):
everything under wraps, and thatmentality.
These are the people that are inhigher positions in the police
departments, in law enforcement.
These are the judges that arein the county circuit courts
that are deciding whether youhave orders of protection or not
.
These are the people now incharge of us, we who are
fighting for rights that wesupposedly have but aren't being
(26:01):
honored, and fighting for thelaws to work in our favor that
have been put in place butaren't being honored.
So again, not saying itentitled to, but we still have
(26:22):
to fight for it, because thepeople in charge still think
that, you know, a woman couldn'teven go get a bank account, a
checkbook, a credit card.
We can.
And some of it, I think, isresentment, because when I went
for an order of protection, itwas denied twice before finally
getting one.
The older female judge who, oh,she was something else, but she
(26:44):
I, you know.
I think there's some resentmenttoo, because you wonder, like,
did these women go through somesituations that they didn't have
the rights that we had, thatthey're like F you, if I had to
deal with it, you have to dealwith it.
So again, I keep saying it I amnot defending or excusing it in
any way but gosh darn, this iswhat we're fighting against, and
(27:07):
you are never.
No law, no act.
No, you know, black eye or ababy beaten to a pulp is going
to change.
I know it's hard, but it's notgoing to change somebody's
mentality when they're 50, 60,70 years old.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
And this is what we're fighting against.
I am hopeful that when ourchildren are older I mean I'd
like for it to be sooner.
But what you and I are doingand what we're advocating for
and creating awareness about isso that hopefully over the next
number of years we don't have tohave our kids fighting for the
(27:46):
same justice that we've had tofight for, we don't have to
worry that they will sufferinjustice like we have, that our
exes are walking around insociety, uns.
I mean I say I have said to myson since he was probably six,
seven years old you don't knowwho's at the gas station while
(28:09):
you're pumping gas, you don'tknow who you're walking by at
the Walmart who's.
You know parents of your kids.
You know friend has just gottenout of jail, or or you know I.
I mean you just don't know.
And if you do, it's even scarier.
You know just like I.
It's totally off the subject,but I had, you know, a couple of
(28:29):
months ago, had somebody kindof mock me and come at me in a
hostile way from my past aboutsome things in my book, in my
second book, and it was likeeverybody was like oh, we'll go
back at her and tell her thisand that Her brother well, yeah,
but her brother had been injail for murder and her sister
(28:52):
thought she was a witch and didspells and stuff and this was a
vengeful personality.
I'm not trying to kind of likewhat you were saying.
I'm not trying to poke asleeping bear.
I value my life and there isnothing worth my peace or my
energy.
Don't give them the energy.
Speaker 2 (29:08):
Whatever?
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Exactly, but you do have to be aware that there are
people everywhere and you don'tknow, and you do have to be very
careful and know that the lawsand your rights are not always
going to be honored and in yourfavor.
So that is why I think it'simportant for you to listen, you
know, to all this advice andall this information.
(29:30):
You just have to be aware andhave a firm plan, know what your
rights are, know what the lawsare, but know that they may not
be honored, and have a plan justin case they're not.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
Because that's the reality.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
Right, absolutely, and you think about it.
Domestic violence calls themost dangerous call for an
officer to respond to.
Normally they always try tohave a backup officer on scene.
They come in and they separatethe couple and they take each
other's version and then theyswitch, and then they converse
and find out what reallyhappened.
And what really just boils mehonestly, dana, is the fact that
(30:05):
more victims get incarceratedthan the attackers, and that is
not fair.
That is not fair because notonly is it wrong, because we
have the right to self-defend wedon't have to just lay there
and be someone's playground ofpunching bags.
But if we show that we havedefense wounds, and we have
(30:28):
defense wounds on the attacker,then they will take us and
incarcerate us, and that's notfair.
And so that I mean these lawsare really need to be changed in
this country because they'renot protecting us.
And then what happens?
When they take us out andincarcerate us, then they're
leaving the attack person or theattacker with our children.
(30:51):
If the children are scenario,if you get some really caring,
concerned officers, they'll saydude man, just go somewhere else
for the night, come on now,just just exactly.
You had a heated argument andyou're like do you know what
you're welcoming?
Do you know what's going tohappen when he comes back?
I mean, he's going to simmer onthis and it took a lot for me
(31:14):
to have the balls to call thepolice to begin with.
And you're coming in hereshooting the crap.
You know perfect example is wewere coming back, idiot, and I
were.
We're coming back and he'sdriving over 100 miles an hour.
No kidding, he's driving over100 miles an hour and we get
pulled over by a state trooperand I am thanking the lord at
(31:37):
this point and I'm like, finally, because state troopers are a
little more abrasive, oh yeah,and I'm thinking, oh, thank you,
we finally are gonna getbecause when I say we, I'm
talking about faith and I andI'm like, finally, they're gonna
see.
Well, the state trooperapproaches the passenger side of
the vehicle, which is perfect,spot on right, and the window is
(32:00):
down, and I put my glasses upin my hair and he could just see
the whole side of my face, likehe knew right, the whole side
of my face.
And immediately he should belike sir, I need you to turn off
the vehicle, take the keys, putthem on the dash or throw them
out the window step out of thevehicle right.
(32:21):
First thing hit and let meremind you, his knuckles busted
up right, completely busted up.
You know, you could see thatthey obviously were in some sort
of altercation.
So I am literally thanking thelord above that he got pulled
over hands of god not kidding.
So we're, I'm just like lookingover and he goes oh, we're on
(32:42):
the way back to the base, I gotcalled and we're on the way back
.
So he flashes a fake badge whichis impersonation number one,
and he doesn't even the thestate trooper doesn't verify, he
just looks at the badge and I'mlike you could have bought that
out of a gumball machine, likeI'm literally, and and he just
looks, doesn't ask me if I wantmedical attention, doesn't ask
(33:04):
me if I need medical help,because the bruises have a
little bit of yellow and alittle bit of green, so they're
not fresh, right, but his handhas not healed.
So obviously let's put two andtwo together and see that it's
not been that long, because hisknuckles are still raw.
And he turns around and he waslike OK, I'm going to go run
your license, I'll be right back, sit still.
(33:26):
And I'm literally just prayingand I'm as quiet as a mouse.
And he comes back and he waslike hey, while I'm doing all
this, why don't you come backwith me to my squad car?
And I'm like thank you God,thank you God, thank you this.
Why don't you come back with meto?
Speaker 1 (33:40):
my squad car and I'm like thank you, god thank you
God.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
Thank you God finally .
And it and he can't blame mebecause I'm not at fault for
this like I didn't call him.
He actually got in a speed trap, but it's still my fault, right
?
Everything is always our fault,no matter what.
So he gets out and he walks himback.
I'm looking out the rearviewmirror and I'm looking I'm
trying to turn around and lookas well and I'm looking out the
side mirror.
Doesn't pat him down, he iscarrying.
(34:02):
Doesn't pat him down, doesn'tdo anything, and lets him sit in
the front of the squad car inthe passenger seat.
And I am like are you kidding?
Are you kidding?
And so he comes back up maybe20 minutes later and he gets in
the car and he looks at me andjust laughs and I'm like what
(34:26):
Officer, state trooper, comes upbeside me and goes ma'am, you
need to try not to be so clumsy.
And my eyes are just like what.
My eyes is like what.
And he's like you need to trynot to be so clumsy, because
then your husband wouldn't have,like, busted his hand open on
the counter trying to save youwhen you tried to fall.
I've never heard that before.
(34:48):
Never, never, ever, ever.
How do you bust your knuckleshitting the counter trying to
catch your spouse who's?
Speaker 1 (34:54):
falling.
They always have a story.
They always twist shit to theirfavor.
Speaker 2 (34:58):
Right.
And so I'm in my head, whilehe's in the squad car, I'm going
OK, this is a vehicularpullover, it's a felony stop
because it was a 55 and he did,he was doing over 100.
It's a felony stop.
He's going to impound the car,he's going to release it to me,
he's going to be incarcerated.
Like I'm going through my mind,going this is it, this is
everything right, it's righthere.
Finally it's going to happen.
(35:19):
And he comes back over and,idiot, looks at me and puts his
card, puts the state trooperscard in the console between us
and he goes hey, I appreciate it.
He goes dude, you're welcome,man, when you get out, let me
know and I'll get you hired onwith us.
And I just sank in the seat.
I was like are you kidding?
I couldn't say anything.
(35:40):
He had given him his businesscard.
I thought it had the casenumber on the back and we were
going through the logistics ofit and I said is he getting a
ticket?
He goes no, it's a felony stop.
No, he didn't give him a ticket, didn't give him a warning.
No-transcript, a word for himand get him at the academy.
(36:11):
He wasn't about to get out andhe.
That's just what he told him wewere free to go.
I couldn't believe it.
Like this is the crap thathappens and people are like, oh,
that's only in movies.
No, it's not they are such atight-knit group like I'm
sitting there in my head going.
He's beating his wife.
He has to be, because how doyou see those knuckles and not
(36:34):
immediately try to save andprotect the woman?
How are you not trying to gether out and say, ma'am, I mean,
the proper thing is to put him,search him, put him in the back
of the vehicle, seek me to seeif I need medical attention, see
if I'm okay.
You know, just say for my ownsafety, because this is a felony
.
Stop, sir, for your protection,for mine, I'm going to just
(36:54):
place you in cuffs.
You're not under arrest at themoment.
However, for your protectionand mine, I'm just going to go
ahead and place you in the backof the vehicle until we sort
this out.
Right, deescalate the situationall the time, always deescalate
the situation, but no, no, andI was dumbfounded at this.
So you can do everything, right, you can do everything you're
(37:15):
ordered to do, but you're stillgoing to get it taken out on you
and the only way to get safe isin your own hands.
Like that is in your own handsand there's, you know, there's
things that we can tell you.
We're not going to advocate anddemand that you leave today
we're not going to say you knowyou've got to get out today
because it's not our place tosay you know, but I went through
(37:38):
it alone, she went through italone.
You know, we were both singlemoms and we went through hell
and we're giving you what workedfor us and what didn't work for
us.
If you don't have your stuff inorder, you don't have a safety
plan in place.
That's why people go back onaverage seven times, right?
Yes, it's worse, but the mostdangerous time in a domestic
(38:01):
situation is when you try toleave.
Speaker 1 (38:03):
That is when you try to leave and if and when you
actually do leave.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
And there are so many things that we can tell you to
help prepare and protectyourself the best way possible.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
Yeah, and I want to say one thing too.
I mean what you endured.
I mean I always say it'shorrific, because it really is,
when there's visible signs,because at least, even though it
didn't work in your favor, alot of the time when you have
visible signs of domesticviolence or any type of abuse,
(38:36):
you have more of a leg to standon.
So for those out therelistening that are like well, I
never had the black eye, henever cut me with a knife, he
never shot me, he never didBelieve me.
That's where I come in.
That was my frustration.
The threat was always there.
I had things.
Guns were shot, knives wereyielded, crowbars were swung.
(38:58):
The threat was always there,but I never had any physical
sign on my body.
I never had the bruises.
Well, I shouldn't say thatthere were a few times I was
dragged on the floor, that I hadbruises and cuts.
That could easily probably beexplained away.
But when you're trying to getan order of protection, when
you're trying to get policeprotection, when you are trying
(39:21):
to just protect yourself andyour kid and hope, the
authorities are supposed to dotheir damn job and make sure
you're protected and thatnothing happens to you.
But you've never been stabbed,you've never been punched in the
eye, you've never been kickedor you know there's no physical
evidence, then society saysyou're not being abused.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
Even if the threat is there.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
Yes, it absolutely is .
But how much harder than is itLike when I went to get an order
of protection, when I hadcalled the police and they're
like well, you know, I didn'thave the black eye, he shot the
gun, but he didn't actuallyshoot me.
A bullet did not enter my bodyand there were times and I know
you warned against it.
But honestly, I was sodesperate for my justice.
(40:09):
I remember telling my currenthusband and this was after my
divorce from my ex there was asituation that I'm like you, you
know you're abuser, you knowsomething is brewing.
And I remember telling myhusband I'm going to go over
there and provoke him.
I know how to push his buttons,I'm going to make him I want to
get stabbed, I want to get shot.
I wanted to because I thoughtmaybe then, maybe then somebody
(40:34):
will fricking listen to me andfr freaking hear me and do
something about this.
Well, one day, so I'm enviousof you.
I mean it's sad, I and I'm notsaying it to be funny or mocking
I'm envious of the fact thatyou did have visible evidence,
because that's what I didn'thave and I felt like that would
help me.
But then I hear your story andI'm like, well, shit, excuse my
(40:56):
language, people, but fuck, if Ihad anything on my body, what
if he had shot me those threetimes?
Would it have helped?
Would it have mattered?
What if I had ended up dead?
Do you know, my ex would dostupid crap, like he was.
I always said he wanted to killme without getting his hands
dirty.
Without getting his hands dirty, he would pledge our wooden
(41:20):
steps in our house, pledge them.
So I remember numerous timesfalling down the stairs and my
son like that's why it made methink of it.
My son would always say, gosh,you're so clumsy.
Yeah, I'm clumsy.
They even nicknamed me Gracie.
My husband and my son wouldcall me Gracie when I would have
(41:42):
a clumsy moment.
Yeah, and it's like no, thatMF-er, because I actually caught
him.
There were two times over the 25years that I caught him.
He would even do it on thefloors pledge, he wasn't trying
to clean anything.
He wanted me to slip and falldown those stairs and crack my
damn neck and say, oh, poor her,she died.
Now I get the life insurance.
And then he'd he'd thrive onthe pity of.
(42:02):
Oh, now I'm a single father andI have our son and for me and
the crocodile tears and cash inon it and F that, f that.
But you have to be carefulabout these things because
whether they're trying to killyou by pledging the stairs or
actually punching you in thedamn face, the justice is just
not always there for us, andthat's something that I know.
(42:24):
You and I both have peoplereach out to us all the time
that are just at their wits endbecause I'm going to court for
the millionth time or he didthis and nothing's being done.
No, nothing, nothing often isdone.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
Well, one thing I would say, and I'm pretty sure
that you would agree with me, isif they do verbally threaten
you and anyone is around and canhear, go to the police because
it's a terrorist threat, at thatpoint it is a felony and, yes,
they might not have put theirhands on you, but abuse is abuse
and you know what I always sayand people look at me and
they're like Victoria, are youserious Bruises?
(42:59):
Heal Words, don't like.
They stay with you forever.
You know, I can't tell you howmany times he hit me.
I mean he testified.
If he hit me once, he hit me200 and that's his mouth, right,
so you don't remember everysingle one.
But some of the words they neverleave you.
And if he or she threatens youand says I'm going to you, know
(43:20):
whatever, and there's anotherperson around, call the police,
because then it's a terroristicthreat, because you have to have
a witness and you have one andthat's a felony.
And you know, yes, it's harderto prove when you don't have
marks of indication on yourperson, but a felony for a
terroristic threat is still afelony, right, and it gets a
(43:42):
report done and these are thingsthat can get done.
I hate our laws for domesticviolence.
I think they need to be changed.
I would love to try to startdoing that.
I would love to try to make ourway to making new laws, because
that needs to be done.
We are not protected as asociety and I don't know what
(44:02):
else we can do when it comes toprotecting ourself and our
children.
Right, I mean, we have our ownright to protect our kids and
ourself, and we don't have thelegal or law enforcement
protection that is rightfullydue to us?
Speaker 1 (44:21):
No, we don't, and we're women and the laws have
worked against us overgenerations.
So I want to put a little shoutout there, though, for our male
listeners, because I think thatit's.
I mean, I can't even imaginewe're trying to fight for our
rights as women, and imaginebeing a man that's being abused
(44:42):
and it happens.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
Especially in the gay community, they get such a hard
time.
I have my heartbreak.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
Especially in heterosexual communities, though
, do you know?
Yes, if an officer is called toa domestic, and you know what,
if it's a little woman like me,a hundred pounds, five, three,
and you have a big.
You know my husband's six, four, he's almost six, five actually
, but two, 20, six, five, two,20.
And oh, my wife gave me thisblack eye.
(45:09):
Those officers are laughingthere.
I mean, I'm not saying all ofthem.
Those men have been made fun ofand laughed and oh, she can't.
I actually had once that didn'tend up in the book either.
But an officer show up and hewas actually just as tall as my
current husband.
But he, you know, officer,wants to speak to you out on the
(45:30):
porch and I'm like, what thehell did I do?
And I go out there.
I let no-transcript that youwere.
(46:00):
I forgot what the threat was,but that I was like abusing
somebody or threatening somebodywho's like, oh, you obviously
couldn't do anything to him andI couldn't believe that son of a
bucket and all I was doing wasgiving my son a fricking bath
that night.
I had no idea.
But they, you know, butnarcissists, always try to set
you up, you know, to give theimpression.
(46:21):
But it was just like.
When I look at that situation,I mean thank God that you know I
, you know the officer didn'tbelieve it, for you know a lick
of it.
But I mean the fact that he,literally, as a man calling
abuse on you, know that his wifeis abusing him and that's what
the officer did Literally lookedme up and down and started
laughing and imagine what hemight've gone back and told his
(46:43):
fellow officers and said when hegot back to the station.
So what justice are men getting?
I have a lot of men come forwardto me, both, you know,
heterosexual and homosexual orbisexual or whatever sexual, and
homosexual or bisexual orwhatever sexual, and you know
they're kind of they feel likeashamed that they were abused,
(47:03):
and many of them I thought itwas interesting, a lot of them
that have come forward to me atleast have been military,
they're former military andthese are like bad-ass mother
truckers like that have been inwars and have actually had to,
you know, shoot guns at peopleand kill people and they've been
abused, whether it'sfinancially or sexually or
(47:25):
however, or physically even, andit's just really sad to me that
it doesn't matter.
You can't even win if you're aguy.
You can win if you're theabuser and you happen to have
military or law enforcementconnections that will ensure
that you get off.
But what's worse about that?
I mean, I love 48 hours.
It's like I fall asleep to itevery night.
(47:47):
It's really kind of a traumaresponse, but it's my thing.
Um, but it's weird because a lotof the time I mean these there
are.
A lot of the time I mean thereare a lot of men that, like you
said, are in the military or inlaw enforcement.
They know the laws, they knowthe loopholes and they know how
to get around it, and oftentimesyou do see a prevalence in that
(48:08):
, because if it's just acivilian, even if they're really
well I don't want to sayintelligent.
But even if they know how toget around certain things, they
don't know everything and theydon't have the connection.
So eventually they're caught,even if they are smart about it.
But you have to stay a stepahead.
You always you know your abuserbest.
Think how they think.
I always said that I hated whatmy ex turned me into.
(48:32):
At the time I had to be just assecretive and dishonest and
manipulative, but I had to if Iwas going to survive and I don't
regret a moment of it because Iam standing here and I'm alive
and you're here and yourdaughter's here, and you know we
want everybody else to be ableto continue to live their lives
and move past theircircumstances, if you're still
(48:54):
in them.
Speaker 2 (48:55):
Yes, absolutely Absolutely.
Circumstances if you're stillin them yes, absolutely
Absolutely.
And a couple other things thatwe were talking about.
People are asking how they canprotect themselves as they're
getting ready to get out.
You can go in and change your.
So I'm looking at some of thequestions here, so I'm reading
some of them.
You know how can we protectourself online?
You know you can change yoursocial media.
(49:16):
You can change your socialmedia settings.
You can adjust all of yourprofiles to a privacy on social
media and that limits what yourpartner can see.
If you do post, remember youdon't know who's in his pocket,
metaphorically, where you mightput something out there and you
can choose who sees it.
Like you can name certainfriends who sees it and certain
(49:37):
people who cannot, but you don'tknow if the ones that can see
it are going back to him andtelling him.
So really, make sure whatyou're putting out there is so
important to you that you feelyou have to put it out there.
You know, sometimes even takinga little hiatus is not such a
bad thing.
Changing all new accounts, youknow is is very normal and it's
(49:58):
actually something I suggestdoing.
You need to check your accountsregularly for any unauthorized
transactions or transitions.
I do the double factor onanything when you log in, like
and it's a pain in the butt, itis like, but if you go into, say
, my Instagram, you have to havetwo tier factor to log in and
(50:22):
that way it's just an extrasetting, like it has to go to
your cell phone and they giveyou a code and you put the code
in or you know you could do thaton almost anything now, like
your Google account.
You can do that where you haveto.
You know even my Canva account.
I know that's so tedious andridiculous, but I that's just
our mindset, cause that's who weare and what we've been through
is that I've always put it thatway and I do that because I
(50:44):
work with so many amazing peopleand I don't want any of their
information to go into anyone'shand.
That's not supposed to so.
I always make sure that there'stwo factor verification
everywhere, but you can do thatas well.
You can also use a specificmessaging app.
I don't have any of the namesof them right in front of me,
but they are out there that areencrypted and that will help.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Can I just say one thing on that Facebook Messenger
is actually one of the worst.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
I'm sure it is.
Speaker 1 (51:15):
It's not used to message, so I would just be
aware of that.
If you are on any Wi-Fi network, even at your kid's school,
that information is accessible.
And I would also say I agreewith the two-factor
authorization.
I actually have mine set.
I know you can choose Mine's afingerprint access on all the
(51:36):
apps on my phone and everything.
And I have my phone locked.
My computer is locked with apassword.
I know my son has his phonewhere it has to look at your
eyeball, his eyeball or whatever.
So you know there's ways,there's facial recognition,
there's all kinds of ways youcan protect your stuff, but you
should have it all on lockdown100%.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
Absolutely, and you know we have so many requests to
go over and talk about so manyother important other things.
But another thing I want tomention, because I just was
thinking about earlier when youwere talking, is when you do,
when or if you do and you go getsomewhere else.
You know, luckily a lot ofprices have gone down on a lot
of things.
And you can go to Amazon.
You could even do Teemu,believe it or not.
(52:19):
Make sure you do your Rakutenor your Retail Me, Not because
they give you price back, cashback percentages, but I even
even in our home now we have thekeypad where you punch in a
code so they can't get a copy ofyour key, don't?
do your birthday or your dad?
Your dad, mom or child's dateof birth, don't do anything like
(52:40):
that.
But I took it one step furtherand I got one that has a
fingerprint on it right, so youcan do fingerprint you also.
They also now come where theycan do it by phone, so you can
check your phone even in bed atnight.
Make sure that it's locked, uh,that your door is locked.
My front door I have.
I have the code on it, I havethe fingerprint on it and once I
shut it it locks automatically.
(53:01):
So like if I'm running into thehouse and I shut the door and
I'm trying to grab faith orwhatever, it locks by itself.
Speaker 1 (53:08):
Yeah, I had that at my old house, but it was
phenomenal.
I always loved hearing thatannoying grinding of the lock.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
I always loved hearing that annoying grinding
of the lock, but it was it wassafety to me.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Yeah, and I would also.
I'm a big fan of, I mean.
What saved me after the twoincidences of domestic violence
was for 99, 99.
I got a three camera blinksystem off at Amazon.
And let me tell you those threelittle cameras.
They sense any motion If a leafflies by.
I got an alert on my phone, butI had video and audio and I put
(53:42):
all three cameras up.
And let me tell you, when I putthose up and he knew he was
being watched, it's amazing howangelic he suddenly became.
Nothing ever happened afterthat.
Now did I catch other things?
Yeah, there were still verbalaltercations and things, but the
actual physical attemptsagainst me did stop.
(54:05):
But I always felt better thateven if something had happened,
even if it was just the audio,it would catch it.
It's in a recording and even ifthe phone was smashed to bits,
it can be accessed through theblink system.
So, be aware of that.
The ring doorbells, thewhatever.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
Costco has a great set.
Yeah, we got them, you can findthem anywhere, now, anywhere.
Speaker 1 (54:29):
And let me tell you I am not technologically.
If there's anyone out there islike I'm not good with it, I
can't like I and I let mebacktrack to this just to say
how technologically inept I havebeen.
I didn't even well because thisis relevant to what you were
saying about apps and passcodesand social media my ex had me so
(54:51):
isolated.
You know narcissism is in 101is isolation.
I didn't have any kind of asmartphone until after the
divorce in 2000 and went late,like I'm talking, november,
december of 2020.
I got my first smartphone.
So I did not even have asmartphone.
(55:11):
I still had the little sliderthing.
I didn't even have emojis.
There was no computer onlineaccess.
I couldn't get apps.
I didn't even know what apodcast was.
Never heard one in my life.
He didn't like me on thecomputer.
He didn't like me reading books.
Even so, I had no access toanything.
(55:34):
But these days I don't eventhink they have a 3G network
anymore.
You have to be on 4G or 5G.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
Right.
Speaker 1 (55:41):
So you have to have a smartphone, thank God.
But for those that might be outthere, or if you know somebody,
just don't assume that somebodyhas access to anything and it
is almost better.
I was almost glad, actually,that I didn't have access to
social media.
I was never on it and honestly,I wouldn't be on it now.
It is not my wish, but being anauthor and a speaker and a
(56:04):
podcaster and all that, you geton social media.
But I would just say, if you,if you don't have to be on it,
you don't, I would get off of it.
Because even with thesmartphones I mean anywhere I go
, anywhere anyone goes yoursmartphones are picking up on
everybody around you.
If you're right, if somebodycomes to your house, you have a
meeting with somebodyprofessionally, you're near
(56:27):
somebody in line at a long lineat the grocery store.
Suddenly in your social mediaand on your phone, oh, people
you may know and you're like Idon't know any of these damn
people, but there are contactsfrom other people's phones.
So even if you have a differentname or something just saying
it might come up.
You know, ooh, sorry, there wasa big thunder, we're expecting
(56:48):
severe storms today and I thinkthey're here.
Speaker 2 (56:50):
It just like the whole ground and everything just
we're going to cut this shortin a minute because I'm not
losing this, because we'vealready had to redo.
Speaker 1 (56:58):
Yeah, I knew it was coming and that's why I wanted
to get our recording in, because, yeah, the kittens and I might
need to go downstairs.
They're saying it's going toget pretty bad, but I live in a
fortress.
Thank God, my husband built mea wonderful, beautiful place,
but the basement is the place tobe for the rest of of today, so
I think we're going to go downthere and I'll play ping pong
(57:18):
with the kitties and, uh, watchthe weather okay yeah we'll be
fine.
We always are.
Like I said, even if a tornadowere to come through, this place
is is very solid.
I would not want to be anywhereelse, but um, yeah that that
thunder was the first one, thefirst sign of the storm, and
just shook everything.
(57:39):
So, whoo, yeah, we're about tocut it off, but I always and
everybody catches me when I'mpodcasting or hosting or
interviewing.
Speaker 2 (57:47):
We have monitors in my office and we have nine
cameras out just outside aloneand it covers every inch of all
of our property and it's also apiece of mind because we hooked.
It's also a peace of mindbecause we hooked it up to a
tell, to televisions, and I'msitting here in the office and
like anytime somebody drives byor whatever, I can see, you know
who they are, what they'redoing and whatever.
(58:07):
And it's it's.
It's really a peace of mind tobe able to look at it and be
like, okay, everything's cool,you know we're good and to know
that, but it's also recorded andbacked up on on.
you know it's on device here andwe pay for that and that peace
of mind is is incredible.
And not to mention if you doown your own place and you tell
your insurance people that youknow you have cameras you know,
(58:31):
you get discounts, so there'splenty of reason for it, right?
So, that being said, we aregoing to get Dana to safety
because she needs to getdownstairs with turbo and my
cute little, and we are going tokeep getting to these questions
and and I love all of the inputeverybody's giving me.
(58:51):
I really appreciate it.
I know Dana does as well.
Keep reaching out to both of usand we are here and you are not
alone.
Speaker 1 (58:59):
Amen, we'll see you next time.
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