Breaking the Silence: Healing from Childhood Trauma

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
BobbyGQ (00:00):
What brought to your attention like hey I want to
come and talk about so this ispretty dark, so I don't want to
hurt anybody's feelings but thismy dad.
From the time I was infant onup until at least when my
parents got divorced, when I was10, he would drug and molest me
.
What happens is is when you'reyoung or you experience
something that's too much foryou to handle, you'll dissociate

(00:24):
, and this therapy, this hasbeen so effective.
It amazes me.
I really didn't know if I'd beable to get off a disability
over it.

Brian (Mr.KillerB) (00:34):
Welcome to the New Horizons podcast.
I'm Brian Curee.

Shawna (Mrs.KillerB) (00:38):
And I'm Shana Curee, also known as Mr
and Mr KillerB, in virtualreality.

So this podcast is recorded live from
the metaverse at the Killer BeeStudios.

Where real life stories and experiences
are shared in a way only themetaverse can offer.

With that, let's go ahead and dive into
today's episode.
Hey, everybody, thanks forjoining us tonight at the Killer
Bee Studio.
We want to thank you guys allfor coming out and, uh, we're
excited about our guest tonight.
Tonight is behind the avatarfor those of you that know Bobby
throw some confetti.
You guys know Bobby GQ throwsome confetti.
But with that, I would love foreverybody.

(01:14):
Just let's, let's get ready tobring Bobby GQ out.
Uh, dean, if you can go ahead,hit that intro music and let's
throw some confetti for Bobby GQ.
I think he knows how to do this, though it's been a long time.
Yeah, of course He'll figurehis way out here.
Yeah, there he is, Bobby GQ inthe house.
He's jumping and giving usthumbs off.

(01:34):
Look at that.

Welcome Bobby.
Welcome Bobby, thank you.

I have to say, Bobby, like I noticed you
got like all fancied up to, likeyou know, his avatar usually
isn't wearing like leatherjackets and I think those are
those might be skinny jeans,skinny jeans of boots.

I don't know, look at you.

BobbyGQ (01:55):
Yeah, these, these, these pants were inspired by you
.
I remember you guys weretalking about when you first met
him.
Oh my goodness.

Bobby GQ.
We were just talking about whenyou first met him.
Oh my goodness, Bobby GQ.
We were just talking about thatbackstage.
A lot of people don't know this, but Bobby GQ actually that
name came from our past co-host.
Met o actually called him BobbyGQ and all of a sudden he
showed up one day and his namewas Bobby GQ and it's been there
ever since.

BobbyGQ (02:24):
Yeah, I miss Meta O.
I don't know where she's at.

I'll tell her you said that and maybe
she'll come back in for a while.

Yes, I know she's awesome.
She's probably staying warm.
She's probably all bundled upbecause there's snow in Ohio
right now, I'm sure.

I don't think so.

So is it like summertime?

it's like summertime no, it's not
summertime, but I think it waslike getting down to like 50
tonight or something okay, allright, still too cold for me.

Well, Bobby, we're so glad that you that you
wanted to come out and sharepart of your story with us.
So, before we go into yourstory, I would I would love if
you could just tell us a littlebit about Bobby GQ who Bobby GQ
is in horizon and what do youlike to do in Horizon Worlds.
What have you loved to do inHorizon Worlds, I guess?
How long have you been on herein Horizon Worlds?

(03:10):
I got so many questions.

BobbyGQ (03:12):
I you know I was trying to figure that out myself.
I think it's been about threeyears or something like that.

Yeah, that makes sense.
That sounds right yeah.

BobbyGQ (03:20):
Yeah, but I, you know, I got the headset so I can make
some friends.
You know, I found a greatChristian community in here and
I couldn't ask much better forfriends here.

They're so positive all the time.

It's irritating, tell us who's the?
Most irritating.
No, I'm just kidding, I'll keepthat one to myself.

NoThumbGamer (Live Q/A) (03:42):
Good idea, I'm like.

Deeenr (Producer) (03:45):
I ain't no, I choose.

Yeah, it's a good idea, Mr Hillary B won't
you come a little closer to themic?
You're kind of behind us.

Let's get you up.
Okay, I was trying not to blockyou.

It's all right.
You're good when I'm up here.

I can't Okay, there you go.

All right.
Well, Bobby, yeah, I agree.
Like the community, can youguys relate?
Throw some confetti if you guyslove the community here in
Horizon Worlds you guys havemade good friends and, yes, okay
, we have two people out therethat have friends, three people
that have friends.
All right, lost virtually.

He probably doesn't have for them.

No, I'm just kidding.
He's giving you thumbs up on it.

He's like you get me, you really get me.

You get me, you get me.
So what made you like when you,when you've been in this
community, what would you say?
You felt safe here in HorizonWorlds?

BobbyGQ (04:43):
And and has it always been like that yeah.
Yeah, it's always been, yeah,been, yeah.
I mean there's, I don't knowhow you can feel danger.
You, it's not like you cantouch me and so that's good, I'm
glad I'm.

I like I like to say, because I know some
people have concerns aboutcoming into the space because of
that.
So, uh, so yeah, I'm glad that.
Well, okay, so in yourapplication I want to go ahead
and get into your story, Bobby.
Uh, in your application I wantto go ahead and get into your
story, Bobby.
In your application, youmentioned that your story
blindsided you and that healingbegan when you started to
uncover memories in a therapysession.

(05:16):
So would you kind of just openthis up by sharing what that
journey has looked like for you,what kind of therapy you're
talking about and what do youmean, what kind of therapy
you're talking about and what doyou mean about, um, the uh,
like the blindsided you, or yeah, they were.

BobbyGQ (05:32):
They were um repressed memories that I had suppressed
over the years.
Um you, what happens is is whenyou're young or you experience
something that's um too much foryou to, you'll dissociate and
your brain will make you forgetit, or you'll, at least you know
, you'll convince yourself itwas a bad dream, it wasn't real.

(05:56):
You know those type of thingsand you'll allow yourself to
push that down into yoursubconscious, where you don't
have knowledge of it, but yourmind and body will.
There's a book called the BodyKeeps the Score, and it's all
about that.
You know.
I mean you will still react,especially when you experience

(06:16):
triggers.
You know that's so when,sometimes, when people look at
you the right way, or you knowsomething happens when people
look at you the right way, oryou know something happens, like
a car accident, you get in acar accident, maybe with a

(06:37):
school bus, and then every timeyou see a school bus.

After that you have a panic attack.
You know that kind of thing,but in my situation.

BobbyGQ (06:41):
There was so much trauma that I was just reactive
all the time, just full ofanxiety, couldn't concentrate
unwanted, intrusive thoughts,you know.
I was getting so bad to a pointwhere I thought I was going to
either have a stroke or a heartattack.
So when I, that's what drove meto pick up the phone and find a

(07:01):
therapist, and I got lucky.
She's what they call a traumaor abuse therapist, and she has
lots of experience and she sawmore in me than I knew about
myself at that point.

Wow.

BobbyGQ (07:15):
Yeah, wow.

Yeah, that's so important, isn't it?
Because if a therapist is nottrauma-informed, then they can
actually do more damage to youright?

BobbyGQ (07:25):
If a therapist is not trauma informed, then they can
actually do more damage to you,right?
I think so.
Yeah, I think if they're nottrained right, you know, they
could really leave you hangingLike we was doing therapy and
she forgot to contain me becausewe run out of time and the rest
of that day I was walkingaround all angry not trying to

(07:54):
keep myself down, you know.
So if they, if they do, um,they do have a big
responsibility and um, yeah, wow, that's so interesting.

Did you what , um, what made you decide to
like this, to have this courageto come and share what you're
going to share with us aboutthese buried or suppressed
memories and stuff like that?
What, what, what brought toyour attention like, hey, I want
to come and talk about thiswell, my friends in here, um,

(08:23):
the ones that know me thelongest, probably could see.

BobbyGQ (08:26):
I mean, you guys have known me for a while and you
could probably see the negativebehaviors that I was exhibiting,
and so whenever I'd have aninteraction, you know, if they
didn't respond right or theydidn't, or they just walked away

(08:48):
, I would feel abandoned.
You know, I would just go offon this trip.
But it's all in my head.
I don't know what it looks likefrom the outside looking in,
but on the inside I was tore up,and so I needed to leave for a
while until I got therapy.
I texted you and told you that Iwas going to take a break, you
know, in order to preserve myfriendship in here, and so I

(09:17):
decided to go through thetherapy.
I mean, I've only been intherapy for about four months
and the particular type oftherapy that my counselor does
is called EMDR therapy and itworks real well with PTSD and
depression and all that anxietyand those memories that are in

(09:49):
your subconscious.
They, once they start surfacingyou and you start dealing with
it, you become really, uh,reactive and, um, that EMDR
therapy uses this uhpsychological technique with eye
movement to desensitize you tothe trauma and reprocess it with
positive beliefs.
So it moves from your lowerbrain, where you're immediate,
emotionally reactive, into yourupper brain, where it's more
like a photo album.
So you're like, oh yeah, that's, that's a memory, yeah, but you

(10:11):
don't react to it anymore sogiven the volume of my trauma.
Uh, I was complex PTSD.
She never actually gave me thatdiagnosis, but the the therapy
is so effective that it's beendowngraded to just regular PTSD.
And so that's how I can sithere now, only four months later

(10:33):
, and be able to talk about itwithout being so emotionally
reactive.

Wow yeah.

BobbyGQ (10:39):
It's crazy, do you?

feel a difference like day to day and
how you react to things as well.

BobbyGQ (10:47):
Oh yeah, the things that I used to react to I don't
react to anymore.
I'm still doing therapy but Imean, it just gets better every
day, wow yeah.

That's so beautiful, Bobby, like that
makes me so happy for you too,because you know what a prisoner
you must have felt like before,to your own, like emotions and
thoughts and everything, and tolike see you experience this
freedom.
It's such a beautiful thing.

BobbyGQ (11:16):
Oh man, I'm telling you that, based on the way I was
feeling, till now I didn't evenknow what normal felt like.
I've been so reactive my wholelife, so when I started coming
down, it was kind of funny.
Till now I didn't even knowwhat normal felt like.
I've been so reactive my wholelife, so when I started coming
down, it was kind of funny mytherapist every session for a
while.
She's like just don't quit.
You know it gets better.
And I'm like how can I get evenbetter?

(11:37):
I mean I'm feeling awesome.
Yeah, I was really really hyper.

But yeah it's, it's amazing.
I want to say, Bobby, like Ithink it, you know, just like
it's takes courage to come inand talk about your story.
It also I mean it took couragefor you to send me that text.
I mean I remember when I gotthat text and I said you know
we'd be praying for you and yougot definitely got to take care
of yourself and they'll let usknow if you need anything.
And it is like, but it meant alot to me, like I think that's

(12:08):
such an important thing to havethat awareness.
Something's not, something's off, something's not right, yeah,
and it.
You know it might not besuppressed you know things like
suppressed memories or anythinglike that but it might.
It could be like little thingslike me and Mr KillerB have
talked about that, even with,like digital stuff, like there's

(12:30):
things like that we're tryingto become more aware of and say,
wait a minute, something's notright.
Let's, let's process this,let's talk about it.
Because really talking about ithelps bring attention and, uh,
tension on what might be goingon and allows us to get other
insight.
But at the same time, usuallywhen we start talking about it,
we find out that other peoplehave had similar situations or

(12:53):
or can relate in some way, orthey feel like I was the only
one.
I only felt like I was.
I thought only I went throughthis.
Uh, can you explain this alittle bit as we work?
I want to rewind just a littlebit, just kind of way.
I'm very clear on this.
When you gave like the exampleof like like a car wreck with
like a school bus, so whenyou're saying like a suppressed

(13:15):
memory, you're meaning like likeI'm driving past a school bus
but something doesn't feel right.
You know I feel tense orwhatever, or whatever that
feeling might be, but I don'tknow why, like I don't know why
I feel that way, because it'sI've buried it so deep because
of this trauma that I don't evenrecognize that's a trigger.

(13:36):
Is that correct?

BobbyGQ (13:38):
Right, right, yeah.
Even though you don't remember,your body and your mind does.
And so when you see that bus,that's a trigger, and the
trigger is what your mind andbody is reacting to, even though
you're not conscious of thememory is what your mind and
body is reacting to, even thoughyou're not conscious of the
memory, and so you gethypervigilant, fight or flight.

you know ADHD, anxiety, you know that
kind of thing panic, yeah, soyou may not know why?

BobbyGQ (14:04):
but that's what's happening.

It's a protective measure that your
brain does that right Like yousuppress memories because it's
too painful and your brain knowsyou can't handle that every day
remembering that right.
Is that the reason why?

BobbyGQ (14:19):
Yeah, yeah.
You know, this is the way meand my therapist.
She's a nice Christian woman.
She's really, I mean, I'mblessed that way.
She's wonderful.
But you know how?
The Bible says that he'll nevergive you anything or let you go
through anything you can'thandle.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking that your mindprotects you from trauma that

(14:43):
you can't deal with, and soyou'll dissociate, you'll lose
consciousness of the event, butyour body and mind is still
going through it.
But you're conscious.
Your, your person is not ifthat makes any sense.

Yeah, and so what, what.

BobbyGQ (15:03):
What happened with me is over the years, you know, in
my mid forties I'm 45 now thesememories, as she started to calm
my mind and open up that extrareal estate in my brain, that's
when the memory started comingup, and those were memories that
I've been having over the yearsLike, oh man, that's, that

(15:23):
ain't real.
I made that up.
It was a bad dream, you know,and then I I would actually feel
it go back down into mysubconscious and um, go back
down into my subconscious andyeah, and.
But going through therapy shetaught me what to look for a
memory with the body trigger.
Like for example, my bed.
I didn't even know until we didan EMDR session on it, but my

(15:45):
bed was actually a trigger inand of itself.
So when I would lay down atnight I'd get really anxious,
I'd get racing thoughts.
I can't stop thinking.
You know negative thought loops, intrusive thoughts.
So I didn't talk about it inhere very much.
You know I wasn't necessarilyashamed of it, it just isn't a
topic of conversation.

(16:05):
But I was smoking pot to relaxand try and get to sleep, get my
mind off of those symptoms.
But those symptoms weretriggers.
That that was the bed was thetrigger in my body was reacting
to it.

So when we?

BobbyGQ (16:20):
did the EMDR session on one of them.
I can't even remember which one.
I've done so many, but onenight I laid down after it.
That night I laid down after itto go to bed and I was like
Holy cow, my bed feels different, like it felt like a whole
different bed.
It was crazy.

Wow, and I've, I've been sleeping great
ever since.

BobbyGQ (16:41):
Oh, that's beautiful and that's where most of my
trauma happened in my lifetimewas in my bed, in my bedroom, so
probably the most vulnerablespot you can ever have one, you
know, have trauma happen.

Yeah.
So and I, and I told Bobby,like, feel free to share what,
what he wants to share.
So, as I said, you know, ifanybody's here you know this
might, like this might be a lotmore difficult to hear, so I
just want to put that out thereone more time before we continue
.
Uh, Bobby, like how did, canyou take me to?
Like the?
I know you're not a therapist,so like can you, how did?

(17:18):
What was your like?
What was the initial thoughtswhen you started going down this
?
Like, like, when some of thesesuppressed memories started,
like you started realizing likehey, there, this isn't just
something I've made up, this is,there's something real here.
And because I could see howit'd be very hard.
First off, I think it's prettyamazing that your mind can do

(17:40):
that, that your mind can say hey, can shut something off, but we
know God's created us.
And it's just what he can do.
Like what he's done is justamazing, but to protect you.
So it's like what was it likewhen you started realizing these
are real thoughts and did itfreak you out?
At first I've been like this isfreaking me out, like going

(18:03):
through a therapy session likethat.
That's just me personally.

BobbyGQ (18:08):
Yeah, well, they were.
Well, I had already done,convinced myself that they were
a bad dream or I made it up andit's not real.
And so, when I was gettingthose memories with the body
reaction, that's what she taughtme to look for when this stuff
comes up.
So here I am, having thismemory pop up that I thought was

(18:31):
a bad dream or it wasn't real.
And I was like no, Marie toldme that's my therapist, her
name's Marie, she, she told methat if I have the memory with
the, the, the body symptoms, I,you know that that's it.
And so I made, I made aconscious decision to say okay,

(18:51):
yeah, that's real.
And when I did that, it broughtit right into my consciousness.
And, boy, I'm telling you,there were times I texted her
and was like I think we need totake care of this, like right
now.

Because it was tough.

BobbyGQ (19:08):
But she gave me some therapy tools.
You know she got a lot ofbilateral stimulation where you
stimulate both sides of thehemispheres of your brain.
There's this one technique thatreally helps a lot.
It's called the butterflytechnique.
You cross?
your arms like a mummy, and putyour hands on your arms and what
you do is you think about apositive image, something that

(19:31):
brings you joy or makes youhappy, and for me that's the
view of earth from space and soyou focus on that and you just
tap left, right, left, rightwhile you're breathing, and
after about 10, 15 seconds yougive yourself a hug and you let
the breath out slowly, and you'dbe amazed how the anxiety just

(19:52):
will leave the breath out slowlyand you'd be amazed how the
anxiety just will leave, really.

So you're experiencing a stressful
situation.
You can just do that like crossyour arms, like that is that?
You're saying like like that,yeah, yeah.

BobbyGQ (20:02):
It's hard to do it in horizon worlds, but you just put
your hands on your arms and youjust tap left, right, left
right take a deep breath leftright, let it out left right let
you know, and down, takeanother breath, let it out and
then take a deep breath, leftright let it out, left right let
you know.
And down, take another breathlet it out and then take a deep
breath, hug yourself and thenjust relax and let it.
Let it go.
Wow, and it does.

It works every single time at least for
me it does.
Yeah, no, that's, that'sawesome.
I'm glad you shared that.
That's very interesting.

I just want to say this real fast.
What's that?

Have you ever heard of that before?

No, no, I haven't Not at all.
But I just want to say realquick that that's really
beautiful to me because mygrandpa, who I was very close to
, the first time he ever saw thefootage of the Earth rising
over, let's see, I guess itwould have been the moon.
So, um, when the first timethere was ever footage from

(20:55):
space of the earth kind ofrising, you know, from behind
the moon, my grandpa saw thatand when he told me about it he
cried and I've always rememberedthat he just thought that was
just such an amazing thing.
And so it's really cool thatthat's like the image that
brings you joy is seeing theearth from space.
And I just wanted to tell youthat because that's like a

(21:15):
really special memory for me andI thought that was really neat
that you said that.

BobbyGQ (21:20):
Yeah, that's nice, that's cool.

It's really cool.

So, Bobby, like when you're going through
the therapy, does the therapistlike I've never went through
therapy before the therapy?
Does the therapist like I'venever went through therapy
before and and, uh, and I'm,it's pretty.
It's pretty cool because, likeI've had more and more people
come up to us that's been veryopen and we've learned uh, you
know, they went through therapy.
I think you actually even metolivia shared here early on that

(21:46):
she was going through therapyand she said she shared that as
a christian, it was really hardfor her to go into that role
because she felt like that wasnot the Christian thing to do
and like she needed to be ableto handle this and trust God.
And I remember back at thattime her sharing that even Josh
Wilson shared about goingthrough therapy, different types
of therapy.

(22:07):
But I'm curious, like so whenyou're going through this, like
they don't really, they don'tlike ask you, have you dealt
with this?
Have you dealt with this?
This is like a process of youkind of recognizing there's
something here, like you said,like when you're, when you went
to the bed, it was like atrigger.
You would feel anxiety orwhatever it may have been.
And that's like, do they shareanything, or do you just?

(22:30):
You guys, just how do you walkdown that path?

BobbyGQ (22:35):
What does that look like?
Well, she taught me what someof the symptoms are and how to
recognize it.
You know, like there was aparticular position in my bed.
Let me, let me explain mytrauma that way that they can go
right ahead.

Yes, please.

BobbyGQ (22:50):
So this is pretty dark.
So I don't want to hurt youknow, hurt anybody's feelings.
But this my dad, right off thebat, from the time I was infant
on up until at least when myparents got divorced when I was
10, he would drug and molest mein the home and then at about

(23:11):
age seven he prostituted me to abunch of pedophiles, made a
bunch of money several times andthen at eight years old, my
grandmother of all peoplemolested me for about a year and
then, to top it all off, aftermy mom died in 21, I came down

(23:32):
to be with my dad and to finishout him to be the good son, like
that, and he ended up raping mein his house just a couple of
years ago at 43.
And so I'm 45 now.
So that's my trauma.
I know it's a lot and mostpeople just don't know what to

(23:53):
say or they even apologize andthey have nothing to do with it.
And I get it.
You know it's hard, it's hardon the heart, but that's the
wonderful thing about thistherapy.
With that trauma therapy, theEMDR, it's literally like not in
my lower brain anymore, it's inmy upper brain, where the
executive functioning, the uh,the reasoning center.

(24:13):
Um, so I I can think about itnow and not be reactive.

So yeah.

BobbyGQ (24:21):
So can you explain?

can you explain again the lower, like
what's the difference of itbeing in your lower brain and
your upper brain?
Again, can you explain thatagain?

BobbyGQ (24:29):
You have.
You have two brains.
You have an upper brain and alower brain.
Your lower brain is responsiblefor the immediate, what's
happening in the immediate rightnow emotional.
So this is when people like youlook at them, or you say
something, or your tone is alittle off, and then they snap
and then argue with you or gooff on a tangent.

(24:50):
Argue with you or go off on atangent.
So that's what happened, is,you did something that triggered
their memory in their lowerbrain and their mind and body is
now reacting to it and that'swhy they act immediately, just
like that.
Your upper brain is where yourlong term memory is, executive,

(25:12):
higher reasoning, where you guyslive most of the time.
But for somebody that hasexperienced child sexual abuse,
they kind of live in their lowerbrain, or they at least have
that trauma and so they becomeADHD, hypervigilant, anxiety,
you know those kinds of symptoms.
So that's something to lookafter if you see that your kid

(25:34):
is being exceptionally over thetop, you know, emotionally
reactive.
That's a big sign somethinghappened.
So I would highly recommendthat you keep a close eye on
your kids and who they're withand where they go.
Because if they start actingfunky like that there's probably
something you need to get theminto therapy and see if you can

(25:56):
uncover that wow, yeah oh yeah,so I forgot what we were talking
about now, but no that wasexactly right.

He was asking just clarification
because, you know, I don't thinkwe learn a whole lot about what
the different parts of ourbrain do, so that's fascinating
to talk about.
You know, I've definitely neverheard that before, but that's
so interesting.
Yeah, our brains are so complex.

BobbyGQ (26:25):
Yeah, it is.
It's crazy.
And this, this therapy, this,this EMDR, eye movement,
desensitization and reprocessing, it's, it has to do it.
It's research based, as far asI understand, and they really
don't psychologically knowexactly how it works.
They just know that there'sevidence or the results.

(26:47):
You know people are gettinghelp.
Let me let me explain that.
I printed this out off of theUK website about um on p oh yeah
, thank you it says, if I canread it, it's really small.
It says one study showed that 90of single trauma victims no
longer have p after only oh, oh,he might have had to lift up

(27:13):
his headset.

Oh, there he goes.

BobbyGQ (27:17):
Yep, okay, yeah, so we lost you guys the entire time.
That was crazy, okay.

So do you know what happened?

BobbyGQ (27:26):
I lifted up my headset, just like you guys said.

So that whole time you were trying to
get back in here then no, I wasjust standing here you guys were
like oh, he coined out.

BobbyGQ (27:39):
I don't know.
We'll wait for him.

Yes, of course we'll wait for you.
So what we heard is what Ithink I heard is 90% of people
with a single incidence oftrauma.
After one session of this kindof therapy, they were able to
get out of PTSD.
Is that the first thing yousaid?

BobbyGQ (27:58):
90 of this study.
Um, it says.
One study showed um up to 90 ofsingle trauma victims no longer
have PTSD after only threesessions.

Three sessions, wow yeah, that's
amazing.
So that's how effective thisEMDR therapy is.

Wow, that's crazy.
No, I'm sorry, go ahead.

BobbyGQ (28:23):
There's a couple more here.
Another study found that 100%of single trauma victims and 77%
of multiple trauma victims nolonger were diagnosed with PTSD
only after six sessions.
Wow.

(28:44):
Yeah, and another one 77% ofcombat veterans are free or were
free of PTSD in 12 sessions.
Wow, that's amazing, that'shuge, that is amazing, yeah, and
for me it's been 100% effective.

(29:04):
Every single EMDR session hasstuck and it feels permanent.

Yeah, I actually feel normal for once
in my life, so beautiful, youknow, Bobby one of my friends is
going through that right nowtoo.

I didn't realize it was the same thing
until you said the the eyemovement, the rapid eye movement
part, because that's how,that's how it was explained to
me.
So I didn't know.
Emfd, is that what you calledit?

BobbyGQ (29:35):
that's how it was explained to me, so I didn't
know, emfd, is that what youcalled it?

EMDR, emdr .
Well, I hadn't heard it thatway so I didn't realize, until
you said that.
But yeah, I have a friend who'sdoing that right now.

BobbyGQ (29:46):
Yeah, so that gives me a lot of hope.
You know what Marie told me, mytherapist what's up?
She told me that she was taughtwhen she was trained that to
not do EMDR on a victim that hasan open case.
You want to know why?
Why?
Because you don't want themgetting on the stand in front of
the judge and jury acting likeit's no big deal.

I could see that.

I can see that.

BobbyGQ (30:12):
Yeah, so it's better to keep them emotionally reactive
for their sake, you know, untilthey get it over.

it's kind of sad, but so that, like, at
least justice can be done.

BobbyGQ (30:22):
That makes sense right, you don't, yeah, you don't want
them getting up there actingall nonchalant like it's no big
deal and and it happened theywouldn't like on their case.

Yeah yeah, because they wouldn't, people
wouldn't believe them, rightlike uh it's it doesn't seem
like it's really affecting him.

BobbyGQ (30:37):
That's interesting, oh yeah, he, he, he raped me.
And then you're sitting therehaving a bonbon, you know,
drinking some iced tea orsomething you know, it's uh wow.

Yeah, wow, are you and your dad talking
still, or like what's happeningnow?

BobbyGQ (30:57):
No, I don't even go into the state, you know,
because, even though the traumais over, my emotions aren't.
I'm still hurt, I'm stillbetrayed, I am still depressed
about the whole thing.
Yes, and I just can't believe hewould do something like that.
You know I'm his son.
Why in the world would somebodydo that?

(31:18):
You know?
Yeah, and nowadays, when I likethis morning I was at Denny's
having breakfast and I was on myway out and I don't know how
old this little kid was he'sprobably three at the at the
most, and I he had he was.
Besides the fact he was cute Ithink all kids are cute, but his
eyes he's just all eyes and hismom he was following his mom

(31:40):
and his eyes were just on hismom and I just got so emotional,
you know, holding the door openfor him.
And I forgot why I'm talkingabout that, but I just I look at
him and I just I'm thinking tomyself there's no way.
I don't understand why thatwould happen.

How someone could hurt a child.
Yeah, yeah.

That's why you started talking about that,
because you're talking aboutyour dad.
How could he do that?
How?
Could someone hurt a child, andtheir own child especially,
yeah, so yeah, I go in and outof angry, sad, depressed.

BobbyGQ (32:15):
I was OK.
Let me tell you my diagnosishere.
I was bipolar, obviously Ithink I had made that pretty
clear at one point.
But now I'm PTSD, generalizedanxiety disorder and major
depressive disorder.
So I'm working on it.
So I'm working on it.

And do you , do you see?

BobbyGQ (32:42):
like in the future, that you could be free of PTSD
and depression as well, like asyou continue with your therapy.
Absolutely yeah, I mean thishas been so effective.
It amazes me.
I really didn't know if I'd beable to get off a disability
over it.
You know it's reallyincapacitated my ability to
maintain tenure at work and thatwas my argument when I was
applying for disability to thejudge.

(33:03):
You know it's like your Honor.
You asked for 15 years ofprevious experience and out of
the 15 years, I average abouttwo jobs a year.
In fact, one year I had sixW-2s I had to file you know,
because that's how many jobs Igot.
I just cannot keep a job, yeah,and normally what it was is I

(33:23):
would be triggered by mysupervisor or my co-workers by
something you know, theirattitude, the way they were
acting or treating me, andeverything goes downhill from
there.
Sure, and then the depression.
I would either so my work ethicwasn't bad, nobody ever
complained about my work, it wasalways my attitude or I would

(33:45):
no, call no, show out, sure,stay in bed for two weeks at a
time.

Sure at a time.

BobbyGQ (33:53):
So I asked him to approve my request to be on
disability so I can have achance to explore therapy and my
options, which it took me fouror five years to get there.
But because I actually thoughtI was damaged goods.
That's why I didn't actuallyseek out.
Well, I did.
I was on Seroquel for a while,which is how he was able to rate

(34:17):
me in my adult uh, you know,just a couple of years ago,
because I was taking 400milligrams of Seroquel a day.
So I'd take a hundredmilligrams at night and then 300
at night, two to 300.
And it has a um, atranquilizing effect.
So that's how he was able to doit.
And then one morning I did wakeup and I was like, no, that

(34:40):
didn't happen.
I mean, come on, I'm 43.
No, so that was a bad.
I made up another one, you know, and so I suppressed it and got
up out of bed and you know,went on about my day Like it
never even happened.

Wow, wow, oh , wow, you know, went on about
my day like it never evenhappened.
Wow, wow, oh, wow.
Well, yeah, you know, I thinkthat I, I, you know, like you
said, like I don't think peoplereally know what to say because
I mean, we are sorry and and uh,I'm so glad to hear the help
like and the how how much thishas helped you, like, like what

(35:14):
you're going through, like it's.
You know, when you reach out tome, I was like wow, like this is
, this is deep, but, man, it's.
So.
I think it's so important totalk about because, as we've
we've already met several peoplein here behind these avatars
that we really don't know whattheir life is like outside the

(35:35):
avatar and and we can come inhere in this space.
You know, and Bobby, like you,never came off to me like he's,
like he's like staying away fromus or like doesn't?
I never saw that, I never, Inever saw that.
So, uh, yeah, I never saw that.
But but I might be naive, I dondon't know.
But I'm always like Bobby downhere.

(35:56):
Okay, I'm going to go down andsay hi to Bobby.
Hey, Bobby, it's probablybecause I'm in here just trying
to.
You know we're trying to getthe show ready and stuff like
that.
So I probably didn't see it.
But when you come to the men'sthing, I never saw it there.
But there's people that I havemet in here that you're like
something's off, somethingdoesn't seem right, or or
they're getting very, you know,like little things are upsetting

(36:18):
them, even though you're tryingto work through those and say
hey, like I don't know, like wedidn't mean it this way or you
know why are you taking it thisway?
But to realize there's triggerslike that, that again, we don't
know what these avatars aregoing through.
And what you just said therewas what I love about you
wanting to come and share thiswas obviously we love you, Bobby

(36:40):
, and we love you know.
Like I said, I think you'reright three years, because I met
you a little bit after westarted in here.
Um and but what you said there,I was like to have you come and
share this.
I think it's so important andpowerful because we don't know
what other people are goingthrough.
But what you said just there.
You said you felt like you weredamaged goods.

(37:02):
I did, yeah.

BobbyGQ (37:04):
That's why I didn't get help.
See, and I think that a lot ofpeople can probably relate to
that.
I was just taking thepsychiatry at that point, the
drugs.

And I think that there's probably even more
people in here that feel likethat and they might not show it
at all because they're very,maybe they're very extroverted
and they're trying to get theattention and feel important and
needed, but behind, really deepdown, when they take off these
headsets, they have this feelingof not being good enough or
damaged goods, and that'simportant for us to remember as

(37:37):
we make more connections on here.
I see we have somebody that'sgoing to bring up the mic.
Deeenr, we have no Thumb Gamer.
I got the name right this time.
Welcome to KillerB Studios.
No Thumb Gamer.
Would you like to share athought or ask a question for
Bobby?

Yeah.
So, Bobby, firstly, I just wantto say that I love and respect
you so much for sharing yourstory.
I went through somethingextremely similar as a child and
we'll talk about that later ifyou want to.

BobbyGQ (38:11):
I mean, I don't feel sure enough to share it, like
you did, I would love to.

But the one thing I want to I mean, I
don't feel sure enough to- shareit like you did love to um.
Yeah, but the one thing that'spartly my purpose yeah, I'm, I'm
not.
I'm not quite brave enough yet,but um, did your dad suffer
trauma as well, or?
Um?
Was you his first, his firstinstance?
Like?
Was he abused as a childhimself or as an adult before
you was born?

BobbyGQ (38:40):
I, I think my personal belief is that, yes, he did,
which is why he is the way he is.
I mean, he's a, he's anarcissist now and he's really
shut off his humanity anddoesn't care, or at least on the
outside he doesn't care.
But I, I truly believe, becausehis mother, my grandmother, you
know, did her thing with me,and so I truly believe, you know

(39:08):
, at a young age he decided todissociate from his parents and
start calling them by theirfirst name.
He wouldn't call them mom anddad, and so he would call them
by their first name.
And the whole family thinksthat he's an odd duck, even his
neighbors do.
And so, yeah, between him hismom with the sexual abuse and
his dad with the psychological,mental, physical, emotional

(39:30):
abuse I think it just foobarredhim to be honest, abuse, I.
I think it just foobarred himto be honest, and I think that's
what caused him to, uh, to dothis, to do that, this.

To me, you know, I mean, that doesn't
give him a good enough reason,but I was just, I was just
interested because it turned outthat, um, I didn't know this
until very recently that myfather was abused by his father,
but in a different way.

BobbyGQ (39:52):
Um, there were some similarities, but not many but
yeah, I think that's what theycall the cycle of abuse, you
know it just goes over, and overagain, wow but it stops.
I'm not going I'm not going tocontinue the cycle myself.

Yeah yeah, yeah, because you're healing
that trauma and you can stop thecycle.
It's in your power to stop it.
I love that, yeah.

Yeah, I love that and thank you, yeah, thank
you no thumb gamer for forcoming up and asking that and
sharing that as well.
Um so, Bobby, I know I want to.
We'll kind of get ready to wrapup and we want to definitely
get everybody up here and take aphoto together, but I want to
ask you a few more questions Ifyou're good on time.
You good on time right now.

BobbyGQ (40:39):
Oh yeah, we can take all night if you want, okay.

Yeah, I would, but you plugged in.

You're like I'm plugged in, I'm good, I'm
good to go.
Okay, well, first I guess to go.
Uh, okay, well, first, I firstI guess.
I want to just ask you know,are, would you say today that
you're, that you feel safer?

BobbyGQ (41:00):
I, I go in and out of it, you know um, because there's
a lot of there's trauma bonding.
I mean there is so much to talkabout here, it's, it's it's a
pity that we don't have a wholelot of time.
But, um, yeah, I feel, feelthere's times I feel unsafe
because you know what he wasinvolved in and what he did to
me.
It's like you know.

(41:20):
I mean, how far does this reachgo?
Who does he know?
So you start thinking like thatand you go in and out.
But the good thing is is onceyou get the therapy and you
start making progress, that thatparanoia goes away is once you
get the therapy and you startmaking progress that that
paranoia goes away.
So, and that's you know you're,you're um the description in
this uh event where you saidthere is hope, there is uh.

You know I forget how you said it
but it was right there, on thevery end.
There's hope, there's help, andyou don't have to be alone.

That's it yeah, yeah there's hope and you
don't have to be alone.
That's it, yeah.

BobbyGQ (41:54):
Yeah, there's hope, there's help and you don't have
to be alone.
Yeah, that's my whole point forsharing.
It wasn't for me to have a pityparty about the, the abuse, it
was more to talk about that.
There there is therapy that issuper effective.
You just need to find the righttherapist for your situation
and also you know there's thisstigma and shame that comes with

(42:18):
me being a guy in thissituation.
The statistics are for femalesone in four.
There's one in four women havebeen abused or are survivors of
CSA child sexual abuse or evenas an adult.
And men, it is one in six, soit's almost half and half.

Yeah, wow, but you don't hear men talk
about it as often, right?

BobbyGQ (42:44):
No, they don't report nearly as much.
There's a whole lot more shame.
I mean, as a man, what do youdo?
You can't talk to your friends,you can't say anything to
anybody, you know what do you doyou say yeah, my wife was
beating me at home oremotionally abusing me in some
way?

Yeah, yeah .
It's like an attack on youridentity as a man.
Yeah.

BobbyGQ (43:04):
As a man, and so that's a huge reason why I wanted to
talk about it publicly is toencourage any man that might be
listening to download the app,the meta horizon app, and
message me.
You know, let's talk.
Oh, that's good, and women too,you know.
But there is the, the fearfactor with male and female, but

(43:25):
that's the nice thing abouthorizons is we can have this
conversation and you don't haveto be afraid of anybody touching
you or anything you can.
All you hear is their voice.
So as long as you're nottriggered by a man's voice, we
can still have that conversationbut that is an important thing
too.

Like you said earlier, Mr k, you have to
really make sure that it'ssomebody that is like knows what
they're doing because you saidit could be damaging too but
like to be able to makeconnections and hear people and
and build, build friendships.
And and then, Bobby, like yousaid, you connect them with.
You know, you, you have atherapist that you're working
with and you, you know somethings that you can help

(44:03):
encourage people, like what tolook for, and I love that, I
love that you, you want to comeand do that, and especially for
men too, like that, like yousaid, that would be a really
hard thing, and I'm actuallykind of shocked by this.

BobbyGQ (44:18):
That too I would.
I would love to.
I would love to have a supportgroup for survivors to come in
here.
You know we we can talk, wehave closed sessions, we have
privacy.
We can sit here and supporteach other.
That's about all I can offerright now.
But, one of my things is myfuture looks bright.
I can totally see myself doingsomething and being productive.

(44:39):
That's awesome and that'sexciting I haven't been able to
see that in a long time, and soI've been preaching EMDR.
You know, I want to get a shirtthat says I'm an EMDR junkie,
you know.
But uh, I I'm so motivated that, uh, you know, I want to.

(44:59):
What I want to do is I want tobecome a a trauma-informed life
coach and bring e in here.
You know, get the ball.
You know, make a, make a worldand make the ball and have them.
You know, perform.

Oh, that's one that service in here,
yeah, that's so cool I'd

like to see if it would work.
Yeah, wow, yeah, I love that,Bobby, I love that and it's
drug-free.

BobbyGQ (45:18):
You don't have to do any drugs to get better.
It's beautiful.

That's incredible.

BobbyGQ (45:23):
You could pay $150 per pill if you like, but it wears
off, you know.
This EMDR it don't wear offyeah.

It's awesome .
Well, I love that, Bobby, andthanks for being so vulnerable
and open to share this with us.
Um, I was gonna ask you like,but you kind of just did it
right there well, I was gonnasay like, what would you say to
someone out there, especially aman?
Is what I wrote down?
Especially a man?
What?

would you say?

to someone that might feel ashamed to ask
for help.

BobbyGQ (45:53):
Well, there's there's hope, there's help, and you
don't have to be alone.

Well, where are you?

now, Like, where are you now with your
mindset?
You said you know you sharedearlier about, you know you felt
like damaged goods.
Where, would you say, yourmindset is now in regards to
yourself?

BobbyGQ (46:20):
would you say your mindset is now in regards to
yourself, my, um, I, before I, Ididn't think I figured that was
the way it was going to be.
I was going to be on disability, I'd be taking, you know,
medication and seeing apsychiatrist once a month or
once a week or whatever, um, butnow I, I really do see that
after a while I mean, I'm notyet.
I've only been in therapy forfour months and I have made
amazing progress, and it's I.

(46:42):
I really think that there's achance that I can be a
productive person of societyagain.

I really do.
It's so awesome.

Yeah, wow, well, I can definitely, can
definitely tell you like I canhear a different energy in your
voice, that's for sureabsolutely, thank you, and I and
I love it I love it.
I mean, yeah, I mean, andyou're wearing skinny jeans and
everything.

BobbyGQ (47:05):
Now it's like what the heck, who is this guy.

He's really fitting.
He's really leaning to the GQof Bobby now yeah, really,
really.

BobbyGQ (47:15):
I tried to tone it down a little bit.
You know the handsome stuffreally does.
You got to think about that.
I'm going to ask you did youhave a?

did you have a question, d?
I saw the light was on there,so I want to make sure you
didn't have a question or athought.

Yeah, you were just ignoring me over there
.

I just saw this blue light.

I was like, oh, I'm like, this light's been
on a while.
Um, no, I just wanted to say,you know, I've known you, Bobby,
for almost three years and youhave always just to me, just
like what KillerB said, you justalways seemed like a cool guy
that you know we had fun hangingout with.
So I never saw that side of youthat you felt like you were

(47:59):
giving off.
Um, I, I didn't see it, but youknow, but now I am seeing a
difference, just like killerKillerB saying like you're,
you're in here more, you'rehanging out out with us, we're
having fun and it's just, it'sjust really cool to have you
back, buddy yeah, I am.

BobbyGQ (48:18):
I am so blessed to have all y'all, all y'all my friends
, here.
You guys are so special to meright now and I I mean you guys
are a lifeline right now and Iam so happy and blessed that god
has blessed me with y'all in mylife.
But let me tell you something.
You remember the French chatthat our little group has.

(48:39):
I didn't think about it untilGood Soldier said something, but
he said are you in the chat?
And I was like what chat?
You mean messenger?
Well, you remember when I leftthe group.
The reason I did is because anytime I actually would say
something, nobody would respond.
And so the abandonment, issuesof the betrayal, of my trauma.

(49:02):
Like they don't like me, I'mfeeling abandoned, and so I left
you know Forget them.

Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I remember I rememberwhen you left that group and I
was wondering why so I?
Yeah, I remember I rememberwhen you left that group and I
was, I was wondering why.
So now, yeah, now we know.

Bobby, we're , we're, we're so happy that you
came and we're so happy thatwe've met you and created a
great friendship with you inhere and and uh, I'm excited,
man, for the transformationyou're going through.
Uh, again.

BobbyGQ (49:31):
Yeah, we can hear it's only gonna get better.
Guys, you think I'm doing goodnow.
You wait till next year awesomeman.

I can't wait , I can't wait to watch it
happen yes, I cannot wait me too.
Well, Bobby, I thank you somuch, man, for joining us
tonight.
Uh, I guess I'm not gonna askfor a closing thought.
Um, I don't think it'snecessary.

I don't think it's necessary.

This is good .
Yeah, this is so good.
And you guys we're going tohave so next week.

BobbyGQ (50:01):
I just want to encourage.
If there's any men out there inHorizons or that are listening
to the podcast, please, you knowyou don't have to be alone.
Download the app.
My name is Bobby GQ DM me you.

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