February 18, 2025 • 15 mins
This episode explores the joys and challenges of navigating hyperfixations, particularly through the lens of being autistic. I reflect on the complexities of friendships and self-worth, emphasizing the need for understanding and embracing one's unique path, delve into complexities in autistic friendships, and unpack feelings of worthlessness and attachment
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Hello and welcome to a new episode of A Spectrum of
Hyperfixations.
I'm your host, miss T.
Today, the T is going to standfor tiny child, because I just
today learned about somethingcalled shimejis I think is what
it is and I saw a post onFacebook from one of the Hasbun
(00:47):
Hotel fan pages and it wasshowing like these little
Lucifers and Alistars runningaround on someone's phone screen
and also on the desktop screen,and I absolutely had to have it
.
So now I've got two Lucifersand two Alistars just chilling
on my desktop.
(01:08):
They're crawling around, and itstarted off with one and then
randomly another one droppeddown, so now there's two of each
.
They are so freaking cute andthey are a little distracting,
but they like, oh my gosh, I'mfeeling like very much like a
(01:29):
child and oh, lucifer, justduplicated, like, how many are
going to appear on the screen iswhat I really want to know.
But this is so much fun.
I feel like a tiny child andit's going to be so distracting
now, like when I actually writemy husband hotel fanfics,
because they're just going to bestaring at me and I'm putting
(01:51):
them in horrible situations.
So anyways, well, let's getinto it.
I know I had mentioned doingthis like every other week, and
then every other week went byand there wasn't a new episode,
and so I'm feeling like this isjust going to be.
Oh my gosh, lucifer justspawned another one.
Holy crap, he's multiplying soquickly See Distractions, hyper
(02:16):
fixating.
But I feel, if any of you know,tell them, steve Dave, the
podcast, tell them, steve Dave,those boys, bri, walt and Q,
would have such a randomrecording schedule and posting
that you never knew when youwere going to get a new episode.
(02:37):
It could have been months, itcould be weeks, it could be just
a few days.
I don't know if they've gottenon a more regular schedule.
I haven't listened to themrecently, but I feel like that's
kind of what it's going to be.
Like Kevin Smith's otherpodcast too, like Smodcast very
random, but yeah, that might bejust what this is and that's
(03:03):
okay.
That might be just what this isand that's okay.
It's okay to, as my friendcalls messy, consistent, messy
consistency.
And I don't want to put toomuch pressure on myself, because
there is some weeks where I'mlike I really don't have
anything to talk to and I don'twant to just talk to talk.
So this is just all aroundabout way to say that I
(03:28):
don't think there's going to bea set schedule and that's okay.
One of the things I'm leaninginto is doing things different
than what I learned from some ofthe coaches I was in spaces
with and how they were doingthings and how they said like
you know, you kind of need to doit this way and whatnot, and it
(03:53):
works for them, not working forme, and that's okay.
And learning to release that.
It was like I just I unfolloweda coach that I had been in a
lot of her spaces and it wasvery hard to unfollow on TikTok.
(04:18):
But just some patterns I wasnoticing didn't align with what
I felt she was teaching on andspeaking and with a couple of
her recent TikToks it just feltkind of icky and so I made that
decision to unfollow andseparate and I'm feeling all the
(04:39):
feels of disappointment upsetbecause it is.
It's kind of like you know youwatch somebody fall from grace a
bit in your eyes, not likethey're falling from grace in
the public's feet or anythinglike that.
I think she did a little bit,but just based on one of her
TikToks coming out and sayingwho she voted for and anyways
(05:01):
that I won't get into all that,because that's a whole other
thing I'm processing on this end, but I just wanted to say, like
you, do you what feels good foryou, what feels best for you,
um, you go at your own pace, youdo your own thing, um, you
don't have to base it on anybodyelse.
What works for them is great,um, and you are doing everything
(05:22):
, uh, as you are meant to.
That's kind of what I want tosay.
There has not been a lot ofcheers these last few weeks.
I'll just be super honest.
There was a week where I wasfeeling very depressed and sad
about being autistic, aboutbeing autistic, and it kind of
(05:50):
all culminated with thedeterioration of a friendship
that I thought I had.
That was pretty solid, and lastyear it was evident that
something had shifted, and itwasn't me, but it was the other
person.
And as someone who's autistic,we tend to have, you know, very
(06:11):
a strong sense of like I need tofix this.
And I asked her I'm like howcan I fix this, how can we go
back to how things were?
And she said, like there wasnothing for me to fix.
And it's very hard to believeand accept that, because when
(06:31):
you feel things so veryintensely and you get very
attached to a friend.
It's difficult and so I wasgoing back through, you know,
all my books that I bought onautism and women and autism and
(06:52):
one of the things I came acrossthat reiterated, like you know,
we we can become hyper fixatedon friends and the relationship
can feel very intense because wecare a lot about that person.
And when you quote, unquoteinfo dump or you have somebody
do hyper fixate on the thingthat you love with, it's like a
(07:13):
exchange saying like I reallycare about you, so I'm going to
talk about this subject becauseI really care about you, sort of
thing.
And so with that added layer itcan become like you don't want
to share that friend withanybody and it becomes really
intense and then the friendshipkind of dissipates because the
other friend doesn't see it thatway.
(07:36):
Or, you know, it's just likeit's, it's messy to be autistic
and in friendships, andespecially one born out of a
hyper fixation, a sharedinterest, and it's brought up a
lot of, you know, like pasttrauma, past feelings with the
relationships and me thinking,you know, I don't have any worth
(07:58):
, I'm not like I'm too much, I'mtoo intense, I am a failure,
that I keep ruining things.
It's all my fault.
Um, how, how can they not seemy worth?
What, like?
What am I doing wrong?
All the things?
And so it's been hard.
(08:23):
Um, and being autistic, we, youknow, we get stuck in that loop
of replaying things over andover in our mind, we ruminate on
it and it's just, yeah, it'sbeen difficult for someone I had
(08:47):
trusted and everything, andthen to suddenly have it flip
and I am not aware that it didLike having and being autistic.
You know, we are very good atrecognizing patterns and seeing
patterns, and so when thatpattern is disrupted, as in
we're not talking like we usedto, it's yeah, it's just, it's
(09:14):
just hard.
And so that's just kind of.
I guess my topic of today is thedifficulties that come with
being autistic and being inrelationships with other people,
whether it be friendship,whether it be romantic, whatever
.
Relationships with other people, whether it be friendship,
whether it be romantic, whatever, it's just hard.
And I am planning and workingon creating like an eight-week
(09:40):
course and then a condensed talk, like keynote speech or
whatever, to discuss thedifferences and challenges with
being autistic, because I thinka lot of people still have
preconceived notions of whatthat is and what that looks like
.
People tend to go and imaginelike a high support needs person
(10:03):
, where that is like they shouldbe represented and also we
still need to take care of ourpeople who are, um, who do have
low support needs but then dayto day it can vary from low to
high support needs.
Like I am someone who typicallyhas low support needs but on
(10:24):
days like I, some days arereally bad and I need high
support.
So just it's kind of like ifanybody was questioning whether
they may be autistic.
It could be good for them to dothis course or just for the
general public to understandwhat that means.
You know, maybe you have acoworker, maybe you have a
(10:44):
friend, a sibling, you know, andwhat does that look like?
How can you learn and adapt tohow they communicate, how they
process things, how to just bestsupport them?
So that's kind of on my radarof things to do.
And I am looking at Patreon nowto maybe, you know, have all
(11:05):
these podcast episodes but alsohave things, um, like, if you
want to to learn things, maybehave a behind a membership or
just a one-off behind amembership or just a one-off,
you know, payment sort of thing,or um, just also having a space
to um share freely, um, likefree stuff or um, just yeah,
(11:27):
because I I would love to builda community and um, like, right
now I'm only, I'm onlysubscribed to two page rounds
right now and that is the ralphreport and, uh, key moments for
dragon balls, these stuff.
Uh, love those boys.
But I think I'm gonna go theway of patreon just to like host
courses and talks and maybeshow video for these podcasts or
(11:53):
whatever.
But, um, if that's the case, Ido hope you come over and
support um, definitely gonna,definitely going to have like a
free tier and again, like, thisis just something that popped
into my head this week, so I'mstill kind of looking at it, and
then I would have to record allthe courses and this and that.
But yeah, I just want to find away to kind of reclaim my power
(12:21):
and my worth and I will admit mylast message to this friend was
a bit petty.
I wanted to make it that kindof like well, this is what
you're missing out on sort ofthing, like in a breakup, like
(12:42):
in a breakup, and be like you'remissing out on xyz and you're
gonna be sorry that xyz, youknow sort of thing like take
back that power and feel likeI'm worth something, and for a
fleeting moment I believed itand now I'm back to like I am so
worthless I don't deservefriends, all those sort of
things.
So, man, this is a debbiedowner episode.
I'm so sorry, but and as I'vebeen speaking, lucifer has just
(13:04):
I don't even know how many areon this screen now, and they're
just on all sides, and I thinkthere's still only two Alistars
maybe I lost sight of.
Oh, yep, okay, there's one.
He's way up in the upper leftcorner and then another one down
here on the right.
I don't know what's going onwith him.
He is not reproduced oranything.
(13:26):
Maybe that's not the right wordto use, but there are so many
little Top Hat Lucys on myscreen.
It is unreal.
And, oh my gosh, he justspawned another one and another
one just dropped out.
They are taking over.
I don't know how you get themto like condense themselves,
because this is nuts.
This is so nuts to watch.
I wish you could see my screenright now.
(13:48):
It's so funny.
I think that's it for today.
I just kind of wanted to pop inhere and, um, bear my soul a
little bit on the mic.
Um, again, messy, consistent,as my friend says, and uh, yeah.
(14:09):
So, um, I'm here for you if youare are struggling.
Um, like, like me, being a lifecoach doesn't make me immune to
human feelings and old stories,old patterns and things like
that.
I will say I'm definitely moreequipped to help people overcome
(14:30):
their own and to find theirworth than I am for myself, and
that's why I have a therapistand other coaches I leave on for
my stuff.
But, yeah, as a coach, I wouldstill very much love to help you
if that is something you'reinterested in.
Or, yeah, I just again I'mgetting distracted by the little
(14:58):
shimajis on my screen.
So, um, that's it for today.
Um, take care of yourself.
You are stronger than you feel.
And um, just just take care,take care, love yourself, care,
love yourself.
Hello and welcome to a new episode of A Spectrum of
Hyperfixations.
I'm your host, miss T.
Today, the T is going to standfor tiny child, because I just
today learned about somethingcalled shimejis I think is what
it is and I saw a post onFacebook from one of the Hasbun
(00:47):
Hotel fan pages and it wasshowing like these little
Lucifers and Alistars runningaround on someone's phone screen
and also on the desktop screen,and I absolutely had to have it
.
So now I've got two Lucifersand two Alistars just chilling
on my desktop.
(01:08):
They're crawling around, and itstarted off with one and then
randomly another one droppeddown, so now there's two of each
.
They are so freaking cute andthey are a little distracting,
but they like, oh my gosh, I'mfeeling like very much like a
(01:29):
child and oh, lucifer, justduplicated, like, how many are
going to appear on the screen iswhat I really want to know.
But this is so much fun.
I feel like a tiny child andit's going to be so distracting
now, like when I actually writemy husband hotel fanfics,
because they're just going to bestaring at me and I'm putting
(01:51):
them in horrible situations.
So anyways, well, let's getinto it.
I know I had mentioned doingthis like every other week, and
then every other week went byand there wasn't a new episode,
and so I'm feeling like this isjust going to be.
Oh my gosh, lucifer justspawned another one.
Holy crap, he's multiplying soquickly See Distractions, hyper
(02:16):
fixating.
But I feel, if any of you know,tell them, steve Dave, the
podcast, tell them, steve Dave,those boys, bri, walt and Q,
would have such a randomrecording schedule and posting
that you never knew when youwere going to get a new episode.
(02:37):
It could have been months, itcould be weeks, it could be just
a few days.
I don't know if they've gottenon a more regular schedule.
I haven't listened to themrecently, but I feel like that's
kind of what it's going to be.
Like Kevin Smith's otherpodcast too, like Smodcast very
random, but yeah, that might bejust what this is and that's
(03:03):
okay.
That might be just what this isand that's okay.
It's okay to, as my friendcalls messy, consistent, messy
consistency.
And I don't want to put toomuch pressure on myself, because
there is some weeks where I'mlike I really don't have
anything to talk to and I don'twant to just talk to talk.
So this is just all aroundabout way to say that I
(03:28):
don't think there's going to bea set schedule and that's okay.
One of the things I'm leaninginto is doing things different
than what I learned from some ofthe coaches I was in spaces
with and how they were doingthings and how they said like
you know, you kind of need to doit this way and whatnot, and it
(03:53):
works for them, not working forme, and that's okay.
And learning to release that.
It was like I just I unfolloweda coach that I had been in a
lot of her spaces and it wasvery hard to unfollow on TikTok.
(04:18):
But just some patterns I wasnoticing didn't align with what
I felt she was teaching on andspeaking and with a couple of
her recent TikToks it just feltkind of icky and so I made that
decision to unfollow andseparate and I'm feeling all the
(04:39):
feels of disappointment upsetbecause it is.
It's kind of like you know youwatch somebody fall from grace a
bit in your eyes, not likethey're falling from grace in
the public's feet or anythinglike that.
I think she did a little bit,but just based on one of her
TikToks coming out and sayingwho she voted for and anyways
(05:01):
that I won't get into all that,because that's a whole other
thing I'm processing on this end, but I just wanted to say, like
you, do you what feels good foryou, what feels best for you,
um, you go at your own pace, youdo your own thing, um, you
don't have to base it on anybodyelse.
What works for them is great,um, and you are doing everything
(05:22):
, uh, as you are meant to.
That's kind of what I want tosay.
There has not been a lot ofcheers these last few weeks.
I'll just be super honest.
There was a week where I wasfeeling very depressed and sad
about being autistic, aboutbeing autistic, and it kind of
(05:50):
all culminated with thedeterioration of a friendship
that I thought I had.
That was pretty solid, and lastyear it was evident that
something had shifted, and itwasn't me, but it was the other
person.
And as someone who's autistic,we tend to have, you know, very
(06:11):
a strong sense of like I need tofix this.
And I asked her I'm like howcan I fix this, how can we go
back to how things were?
And she said, like there wasnothing for me to fix.
And it's very hard to believeand accept that, because when
(06:31):
you feel things so veryintensely and you get very
attached to a friend.
It's difficult and so I wasgoing back through, you know,
all my books that I bought onautism and women and autism and
(06:52):
one of the things I came acrossthat reiterated, like you know,
we we can become hyper fixatedon friends and the relationship
can feel very intense because wecare a lot about that person.
And when you quote, unquoteinfo dump or you have somebody
do hyper fixate on the thingthat you love with, it's like a
(07:13):
exchange saying like I reallycare about you, so I'm going to
talk about this subject becauseI really care about you, sort of
thing.
And so with that added layer itcan become like you don't want
to share that friend withanybody and it becomes really
intense and then the friendshipkind of dissipates because the
other friend doesn't see it thatway.
(07:36):
Or, you know, it's just likeit's, it's messy to be autistic
and in friendships, andespecially one born out of a
hyper fixation, a sharedinterest, and it's brought up a
lot of, you know, like pasttrauma, past feelings with the
relationships and me thinking,you know, I don't have any worth
(07:58):
, I'm not like I'm too much, I'mtoo intense, I am a failure,
that I keep ruining things.
It's all my fault.
Um, how, how can they not seemy worth?
What, like?
What am I doing wrong?
All the things?
And so it's been hard.
(08:23):
Um, and being autistic, we, youknow, we get stuck in that loop
of replaying things over andover in our mind, we ruminate on
it and it's just, yeah, it'sbeen difficult for someone I had
(08:47):
trusted and everything, andthen to suddenly have it flip
and I am not aware that it didLike having and being autistic.
You know, we are very good atrecognizing patterns and seeing
patterns, and so when thatpattern is disrupted, as in
we're not talking like we usedto, it's yeah, it's just, it's
(09:14):
just hard.
And so that's just kind of.
I guess my topic of today is thedifficulties that come with
being autistic and being inrelationships with other people,
whether it be friendship,whether it be romantic, whatever
.
Relationships with other people, whether it be friendship,
whether it be romantic, whatever, it's just hard.
And I am planning and workingon creating like an eight-week
(09:40):
course and then a condensed talk, like keynote speech or
whatever, to discuss thedifferences and challenges with
being autistic, because I thinka lot of people still have
preconceived notions of whatthat is and what that looks like
.
People tend to go and imaginelike a high support needs person
(10:03):
, where that is like they shouldbe represented and also we
still need to take care of ourpeople who are, um, who do have
low support needs but then dayto day it can vary from low to
high support needs.
Like I am someone who typicallyhas low support needs but on
(10:24):
days like I, some days arereally bad and I need high
support.
So just it's kind of like ifanybody was questioning whether
they may be autistic.
It could be good for them to dothis course or just for the
general public to understandwhat that means.
You know, maybe you have acoworker, maybe you have a
(10:44):
friend, a sibling, you know, andwhat does that look like?
How can you learn and adapt tohow they communicate, how they
process things, how to just bestsupport them?
So that's kind of on my radarof things to do.
And I am looking at Patreon nowto maybe, you know, have all
(11:05):
these podcast episodes but alsohave things, um, like, if you
want to to learn things, maybehave a behind a membership or
just a one-off behind amembership or just a one-off,
you know, payment sort of thing,or um, just also having a space
to um share freely, um, likefree stuff or um, just yeah,
(11:27):
because I I would love to builda community and um, like, right
now I'm only, I'm onlysubscribed to two page rounds
right now and that is the ralphreport and, uh, key moments for
dragon balls, these stuff.
Uh, love those boys.
But I think I'm gonna go theway of patreon just to like host
courses and talks and maybeshow video for these podcasts or
(11:53):
whatever.
But, um, if that's the case, Ido hope you come over and
support um, definitely gonna,definitely going to have like a
free tier and again, like, thisis just something that popped
into my head this week, so I'mstill kind of looking at it, and
then I would have to record allthe courses and this and that.
But yeah, I just want to find away to kind of reclaim my power
(12:21):
and my worth and I will admit mylast message to this friend was
a bit petty.
I wanted to make it that kindof like well, this is what
you're missing out on sort ofthing, like in a breakup, like
(12:42):
in a breakup, and be like you'remissing out on xyz and you're
gonna be sorry that xyz, youknow sort of thing like take
back that power and feel likeI'm worth something, and for a
fleeting moment I believed itand now I'm back to like I am so
worthless I don't deservefriends, all those sort of
things.
So, man, this is a debbiedowner episode.
I'm so sorry, but and as I'vebeen speaking, lucifer has just
(13:04):
I don't even know how many areon this screen now, and they're
just on all sides, and I thinkthere's still only two Alistars
maybe I lost sight of.
Oh, yep, okay, there's one.
He's way up in the upper leftcorner and then another one down
here on the right.
I don't know what's going onwith him.
He is not reproduced oranything.
(13:26):
Maybe that's not the right wordto use, but there are so many
little Top Hat Lucys on myscreen.
It is unreal.
And, oh my gosh, he justspawned another one and another
one just dropped out.
They are taking over.
I don't know how you get themto like condense themselves,
because this is nuts.
This is so nuts to watch.
I wish you could see my screenright now.
(13:48):
It's so funny.
I think that's it for today.
I just kind of wanted to pop inhere and, um, bear my soul a
little bit on the mic.
Um, again, messy, consistent,as my friend says, and uh, yeah.
(14:09):
So, um, I'm here for you if youare are struggling.
Um, like, like me, being a lifecoach doesn't make me immune to
human feelings and old stories,old patterns and things like
that.
I will say I'm definitely moreequipped to help people overcome
(14:30):
their own and to find theirworth than I am for myself, and
that's why I have a therapistand other coaches I leave on for
my stuff.
But, yeah, as a coach, I wouldstill very much love to help you
if that is something you'reinterested in.
Or, yeah, I just again I'mgetting distracted by the little
(14:58):
shimajis on my screen.
So, um, that's it for today.
Um, take care of yourself.
You are stronger than you feel.
And um, just just take care,take care, love yourself, care,
love yourself.
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