January 29, 2024 • 43 mins
We wrap up Season 1! We'll take the month of February off and jump into season 2 beginning in March!
Have you ever whispered the Serenity Prayer under your breath during a challenging moment, hoping for a shred of peace? Zaw and I invite you on a journey through this episode, where we peel back the layers of this simple yet profound invocation. Reflecting on how the prayer is not just a ritual in recovery meetings but a guiding light for intentional living, we share personal anecdotes and insights into the intersection of mindfulness, unity, and spirituality that it promotes. The essence of the prayer transcends religious boundaries, offering solace and a sense of community to all who seek serenity in their lives.
As we navigate life's unpredictable waters, the concepts of acceptance, change, and courage often feel like buoys keeping us afloat. We delve into how acceptance can lead to transformative growth, acknowledging our reality and moving forward without resistance. By intertwining Buddhist teachings of loving-kindness and impermanence with personal agency, we uncover the strength in recognizing what we can and cannot control.
To conclude, we face the daunting task of embracing change and the wisdom required in discerning our circle of influence. We discuss the courageous steps necessary to alter life's course. The ongoing quest for wisdom is not a solitary venture but a shared experience filled with lessons from within and from the stories of others. This episode invites you to find your serenity, muster your courage, and seek the wisdom to know the difference on your path to recovery or simply a more mindful existence.
Visit our website!
Creating a Sustainable Recovery Plan: Mindfulness and the Power of Community — Recovery Collective — Annapolis, MD (recoverycollectivemd.com)
Zaw Maw — Recovery Collective — Annapolis, MD (recoverycollectivemd.com)
Luke DeBoy — Recovery Collective — Annapolis, MD (recoverycollectivemd.com)
Please send your questions to luke@recoverycollectivemd.com
Thanks for listening, and please subscribe/comment/review/follow/like; if you think others would benefit from the podcast episode, share with others, as COLLECTIVELY, we can find solutions to all things health and wellness.
The episodes contain content, including information provided by guests, intended for perspective, informational, and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, legal, or other advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you have a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 or 9-8-8
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Therapists of Buddhists and you, brought
to you by the RecoveryCollective in Annapolis,
maryland.
My name is Luke DeBooy and I amhere with my friend, my
co-finant, my cohort, the oneand only Zomo, hey, zomo.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, luke, good to see you in person.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
In person.
We haven't done a physical inperson one in quite a while, so
it's been good to get back toour studio aka office in
Annapolis, Maryland, at theRecovery Collective.
It's got a good feel here,doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I like coming here.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Yeah, it's been nice that we have the ability of
technology and be able to do itat our humble abodes, but
there's something about doing anin-person episode, I feel.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Definitely yeah.
What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Well, we're going to talk about the serenity prayer
and all the things that arewonderful and powerful and
tactful and impactful when itcomes to that.
But we've done a year's worthof episodes, which have been
awesome.
But we've been thrown aroundthe idea of eventually starting
(01:21):
a second season, and often whatbecomes before a second season
is a little break.
So Zall and I have beencontemplating when we'll take
just a little time off and we'rethrowing around the idea that
we take February off andrecharge our batteries and we'll
(01:41):
probably record a couple duringthe month of February.
But we've got certainly a fewother content ideas we're
beginning to brainstorm so thatway we can bring all of our
wonderful listeners.
But right now we're throwingaround the idea of taking the
month of February off and thengetting into season two
(02:05):
beginning of March.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Recharge our batteries and look forward to
giving content through theepisodes and maybe some we'll
talk more later about it butmore content in different
platforms that we can give thelisteners in the future as well.
Sounds good Serenity prayer.
Let's jump in.
(02:30):
It's interesting.
We're both in recovery andthere's so many things that I
can easily get complacent on.
We go to meetings and somethingthat we say all the time is I'm
Luke, I'm an addict, I'm analcoholic, and we say that all
(02:52):
the time, but sometimes that initself can lose meaning.
There's a reason why I say it.
It's not just ritualistic ortraditional to do so, and when I
say that in a meeting and I'mLuke, I'm an alcoholic what I
try to remind myself in to do isreally what one of my favorite
(03:18):
definitions of an alcoholic isis step one, that when I say
that and I want that to remindme that I'm parallel or sober
drugs and alcohol, that my lifehad become immanageable, and
that can be an empowered thingand not a frustrating, woe is me
type thing.
We can just say that and aspart of the routine.
I think that can be true forsomething just as powerful as
(03:41):
this serenity prayer that weoften say after meetings,
whether it's the Lord's Prayeror the Serenity Prayer and we
can just say the words and wecan get complacent on the power
of these words and theintentionality behind these
words.
We talk about a collectivesolution to health and wellness.
(04:03):
I think the Serenity Prayerthat we have certainly
highlighted pieces over in thisseason, one over this past year,
and we've mentioned theSerenity Prayer for a lot of
different reasons.
So I felt it's a really goodtime to give it its show, give
it its own episode and reallybreak down the Serenity Prayer
(04:29):
and the power that can come fromthe meaning and the intention
behind that prayer.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
That sounds really good.
Yeah, I have a lot of respectfor that prayer.
There's nothing that SerenityPrayer cannot be applied to, so
that's what I like about thatprayer, and I have a lot of
respect for the recoverycommunity and this prayer too.
So I just wanted to begin bysaying that I'm very curious
about what's going to beunpacked out of it, but at the
(04:57):
same time, I was taught thisprayer by a friend who was in
the 12-step program and Ihaven't even joined the program
and she taught me that and thenI had to memorize it.
It was tricky to memorize it,but then I really believe that
that prayer has been keeping mearound all along and so, yeah, I
(05:17):
have a lot of respect for that.
But I also know that it hassome religious background to it.
So I just wanted to make surethat I approach it from a layman
point of view, but also thewisdom embedded in it, and also
it will talk more about it.
For me, it had more to do withthe.
I believe in the power ofprayer in terms of bringing
(05:37):
mindfulness to the presentmoment.
So for me, those weremeditation moments, where when
we go to 12-step recoverymeetings, at the end they say it
, or in the beginning they sayit, so it's like the coming
together of all the attentioninto the sound of the prayer.
So that's how I started gettinga sense of belonging.
So I believe in that unison andthen that union of unity of
(06:02):
people saying it together, and Ibelieve in the power too, in
that.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I like it and, as you guys know, we certainly like to
break things down and do itdeeper dives.
So we're going to do that withthe prayer and even though this
is a prayer, a lot of peoplelook at this in a non-religious
way.
People often look at it in aspiritual way or a union
connecting thing which we'regoing to just kind of go in and
(06:29):
go for it.
But so that first word youcould spend a whole session
group on God.
We're not going to.
So if you don't like the wordGod, you can replace it with.
I'm giving you, the listeners,the option to replace it with
higher power, with to whom itmay concern whatever you so
(06:50):
choose, but we're not going tospend the whole session on that.
One word, when it comes to 12steps, it's as we understood him
and if you look at the steps,we understand that it's
something more powerful thanjust us and its own right.
But it says this higher power,god grant me.
(07:12):
It's our first kind of sign ofhumility, isn't it?
We ask this power to whom it mayconcern?
Grant me, allow me to have, letme receive, give me it's a
humble request of this divineassistance or this.
(07:36):
To intervene, meaning not leftto my own devices.
I'm looking at something, notjust me, and we're asking the it
, the power, this, if it'sdivine, if you so look at it
that way.
We're asking and it's ahumbling process off the get-go,
(07:57):
to whom it may concern.
Please give me Quite a way tostart an ask or a prayer.
So we start out with a humblerequest Grant me serenity and
I'm known for saying that to me,my favorite thing that I've
(08:19):
ever gotten from sobriety andrecovery is this word and we're
asking this power, whatever itmight be, to whom it may concern
.
We're asking this power, in ahumble, as way as possible, to
give me, allow me to haveintervene so I can have this
peace of mind, calmness of mind.
(08:41):
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, a lot is already packed in those words.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
You started quick, didn't we?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But the thing about God or higher power.
I think that part is veryimportant for whoever, because
it can be the universe.
But the wording of that reallyis about addressing it, turning
my attention towards somethingpositive.
So I feel like that part isimportant too.
We cannot skip it.
It's like when I'm talking toyou, I want to say Luke, as
(09:12):
opposed to I'm just talking outinto the air to whomever, so
like using a particular word orwhatever, it means a lot to you.
That's like turning all theattention to that, so that I am
paying attention, I'm addressingto it.
So I think that part is alsoreally important because we're
setting an intention, addressingit.
But then the grand part it'sinteresting because I look at it
(09:36):
from a non-theistic point ofview for me is that you know
Grant, as in like you mentionedit about humbly asking, you know
with humility, so like if Ijust look at it, just like grant
me as the word, that's kind ofmisleading.
But if I look at the wholeprayer because this is a big
deal about just any kind ofspiritual practice in general is
(09:58):
that when I'm asking forsomething, it's not about what
I'm asking for, but whether thatgrant is, whether that wish is
granted or not has to do withthe motive.
So I want a lot of money, butis it for me to go buy drugs and
alcohol?
Or I want a lot of money is itto help people?
So, if I think about that fromthat point of view, grant me the
serenity.
Like this, granting has to dowith a good purpose, you know.
(10:21):
So, yeah, it's not a demand,but it's more about, like you
said, allowing me to have thisso that I can use it for a good
purpose, which is unpacked later.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, it's, it's.
I'm asking for calmness, measking for this peace of mind.
This calmness of mind, which isone way, synonymously, I define
.
Serenity, implies a desire forinner peace in the face of
challenges and uncertainties.
(10:52):
And I often say that recoveryin the spiritual principles, of
these 12 steps that we have cometo, to apply in our lives to
the best of our abilities, givesme the ability to have internal
peace even though I havepotentially external chaos.
(11:14):
And sometimes I ask from myhigher power to please allow me
give me this serenity when I canhave, whether it's internal or
external chaos.
So that word, it didn't saygrant me sobriety.
(11:35):
This is grant me serenity.
Higher power, allow me give mepeace of mind, calmness of mind.
Grant me serenity, and to methat is.
We see that in the promises andwe see that in the literature
and in the heart of thespiritual principles.
(11:57):
It's not about things, it'sabout how we deal with things
and life on life's terms.
And having serenity and peaceof mind is the opposite of, I
think, restore us to, to sanity,right?
If I don't have sanity, then Idon't have serenity.
(12:18):
If I don't have serenity, thenit gives me another reason to
drink a drug, doesn't it?
I often drank to numb outfeelings, I often drug to feel
better or feel different.
Well, if I have serenity, if Ihave calmness, tranquility,
peace of mind, I can still haveexternal chaos, I can still have
(12:40):
stress in my life, but I can,if I can, have peace, internal
peace, even with those six wow.
So sometimes we need this powergreater than ourselves, or a
higher power, or thisspirituality, to feel this peace
of mind, calmness of mind.
Well, why God, grant me theserenity to accept?
(13:05):
To me, this is a crucial aspectof the recovery process to
accept things, don't you think?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Definitely yeah.
And before moving on, I do alsowant to emphasize the way I
look at it that breaking down isvery important, but also the
integrity and the wholeness ofthe prayer seals the deal.
So the way as you were talking,the way I was thinking, is that
granting or asking, demanding,can be misleading.
So because I also wanted toemphasize about the consistency,
(13:37):
doing it repeatedly but alsotaking responsibility, because
when I like ask, give it to me,you know the difference that I
think of it like okay, higherpower, give me a fish, I demand
it, as opposed to God, help meLearn how to fish.
There's a big differencebetween give me what I need as
opposed to teach me so that Ican learn how to be serene.
(14:00):
So it's all unpacked later inthe whole prayer.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Can we see that in the prayer?
You're right, yeah, yeah, and Ithink it's the reason to.
It says grant, which is a muchmore humble way than demanding.
Grant is another way for allowor Allow me to know the
difference, or the differencebetween accepting and changing
the things I can and can't write, and we'll break all that down.
I think you're right in In.
(14:24):
Words are powerful and they canConfuse us or they can give us
more empowerment.
Right, and I think there's areason why it says grant as
opposed to Demand or whatever.
Yeah, so let's go to accept.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
That word is a crucial aspect of the recovery
process.
It's a fun, fundamental step inmoving beyond denial, isn't it
acceptance?
If we don't accept things, thenwe are Potentially what?
Potentially?
In denial.
If we don't accept things, thenwhat do you think?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, though they already is a sense of surrender
embedded in accepting.
So I like that because, yeah,accepting means seeing the truth
, you know, and yes, no fighting, I accept it.
Yeah, so there's a lot of peacein that.
Already that advice, or thatinstruction or that direction
Help me to accept, you know yeseven if it's like things I
(15:23):
cannot change or things I can'tchange, it doesn't matter, just
like asking for that acceptancealready is an act of surrender.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
And it's.
It serves as a foundation forchange.
If I can accept things for howthey are, then I can better
identify the things that I canand can't change.
I am not in denial if I acceptthings for how they are.
I don't have to like it, but Ican sure accept it.
(15:51):
Yeah, it helps us embraceresponsibility.
If I accept, I'm not in denial,I am embracing the
responsibility.
It's a foundation for changeand it's very mindful, isn't it?
If we accept things, it's I'min the present moment, without
(16:14):
Future or unnecessary judgment,when I actually accept things
for how they are.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Yeah, to sprinkle a little of Buddhism to it.
It makes me think of, like,when I think about a set, it's
like that concept of meta, theepisode that we've done on
loving kindness.
So when I say accept, likethere is a sense of friendliness
, welcoming.
When I accept a friendship,when I accept Somebody's
invitation, there's a sense ofharmony that when I accept it.
(16:41):
There is no resistance, thereis no fighting, there is no
Against.
It's all about yeah you know,you're welcoming it.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Good to accept the things we cannot change.
So let's Identify things.
Some of the things we cannotchange past actions Can't change
.
Past actions Can't change agenetic predisposition.
I can't change my genetics,can't change Certain
(17:15):
consequences.
When I had my felony chargecharge, I completely accepted
that the judge could Deem me.
You got a felony charge andyou're going to do three months
in jail like I Acceptedcompletely that.
I believe I did all the thingsthat I could.
But the rest, when I was infront of that at Judge for you
(17:40):
know copious amounts of cannabisand and they charge me for
intended to distribute that I Icompletely accepted that I did
the things that I could andwhatever that judge was going to
do, I Was going to be okay withit because I felt like in my at
that point months, in thesobriety that I went to
(18:03):
treatment, I was going to12-step fellowship and,
regardless of what was going tohappen, that I was going to be
okay.
I had enough peace of mind andcalmness of mind that even
though if I was gonna get acharge to felony and it wasn't
going to be PBJ and I was goodif I was going to do jail time
that I did everything in mypower to Not do that and if I
(18:24):
was going to do jail time, Iaccepted it and I had peace of
mind the first part of thisprayer that I was going to be
okay Because I did I did all thethings that I could.
I felt, so I Accepted, whateverthe consequences were going to
be.
I I accepted that sometimes youhave to accept other people's
(18:45):
behaviors.
Sometimes I want to changepeople, but I can't control or
change people, can I?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, I'd like that part.
Two things I cannot change likethat, naming it, the addressing
already is a sense of humilityand it's also ego deflating very
, because it addresses the factthat I have limitations.
You know, when I say things Icannot change, when I have like
really big ego, I don't evenwant to say that that there are
things that I cannot change.
(19:16):
I don't accept it because I canchange everything, so that that
wording already is verypowerful about Limitations, that
there are things outside of mycontrol.
That also means that I amDependent on other people to
live in this world like there isa coexistence.
I cannot produce electric city,you know I need that.
That's something that I cannotdo it on my own.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So there's a sense of like Welcoming again, of like
opening up that things I cannotchange, as in yes, you know, I
accept that in the book 12-step,the big book talks about
Sometimes we try to be thedirector of our play and that
doesn't work out too well andwe're just one player in this,
(20:00):
this play of life.
So when we try to directeverything, that's often when my
experience things go southbecause I try to Control people,
places and things that Iactually do not have control
over.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, and one other thing too, which is kind of a
philosophical thing that I'vethought about a long time ago,
which is kind of originated inBuddhism.
When we're talking about likethings I cannot change, like I
cannot also change the processof change.
So in Buddhism there is thatconcept everything is changing,
everything is impermanent.
But then that statement is thisoutside of impermanence.
(20:37):
So that was like aphilosophical debate that if
everything is changing.
The fact that everything ischanging will be changing too,
but that's not true.
It is outside of the realm.
So, like things, I cannotchange also means that I cannot
change the process of change.
Things are going to move on,people are going to die,
relationships are going to, youknow, go away eventually.
There's also an acceptance oflooking at the process of change
(21:00):
.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Change has a constant .
The constant is change.
Yeah, we could go mad over itor we can accept it.
I I am a big believer that Ican't change my first thought or
my first emotion.
That if I had the power not tothink of my first thought or
what to change my first emotion,I think I'm got this level of
(21:27):
powerlessness over that.
Maybe I'm powerless over mysecond thought.
I'm certainly not powerlessover my third thought and
emotion.
Maybe not my second thought andemotion, but that first one I
know I'm powerless over.
I know that I can't stop myselffor the most part and I think
everybody knows what I'm gettingat, that If Zoll looks at me
(21:50):
and calls me an asshole, I ampowerless over my first thought
and emotion behind that.
But the beauty of you knowrecovery coaching and life
coaching that you do and therapythat I do with my clients that
helping people with their second, third, fourth thoughts and
emotions and getting a sense ofwhether it's control or peace
(22:14):
with their third, fourth, fifththoughts and emotions and
ultimately behaviors and actionsand reactions is is a doing to
help people, to help people with.
But that first one can't stop.
That.
One Can't stop that firstthought, first emotion and, in
addition to the thoughts andemotions, just the can't change,
(22:35):
unpredictable future events.
Boy, we would like to changethe future.
Sometimes we would like tochange the past.
We can't.
How do we focus on the presentand identify the things we can
and can't change with thepresent Buddhist perspective on
that?
Yeah, it's all in the presentmoment, but also, um, it makes
(23:00):
me take responsibility too.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I have no control over the future that I cannot
change.
Not only I cannot change, Icannot even see you know what's
going to happen, but it kind ofmotivates me to focus on what I
can do in this moment.
So, um, yeah, do you want tokeep going?
I think it's good to kind ofseal.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
It's amazing how good we think we are at predicting
the future.
It's amazing how good we thinkour fear is going to be so
accurate about our future andfuture endeavors.
If we're that good atpredicting the future, we'd all
be very well off and rich.
But we're just not that good atit.
We're just not, and partiallybecause for a lot, of us, our
(23:48):
fears and our present areaffecting our future and ever's,
and we help a lot of peoplewith that type of anxiety and
concern and catastrophizing andthings like that.
So let's move on to the nextpart, Courage.
I think that word we should, weshould hit comes from the Latin
(24:09):
word core, C-O-R.
Meaning heart and the courage,except the things I cannot
change.
And the heart, the courage toknow the, to know the difference
right and to ability toconfront fear, pain, danger,
(24:34):
uncertainty.
That takes courage, doesn't it?
Whoever came out with thisprayer is very, very wise.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Yes, because there is something that just makes you
feel like you're wise, becausethere is something that just
revealed to me just now abouthow different a prayer could be
if that sequences switch.
God, grant me the, grant me theserenity, the courage to change
the things I can, and then theacceptance to you know, things
(25:04):
like that, like that would be sodifferent, but like there's
some kind of ego being deflatedalready, starting with things
that cannot change and that onlythen the heart and the courage
and the confidence comes thatokay, what are the things that I
can change?
So it just dawned on me aboutthe intentional sequence of
starting with things that Icannot change and then courage
later, as opposed to I have thiscourage, I'm going to change
(25:27):
all these things out there, so alittle bit of things that I
cannot change, but it's not thatway.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I think it takes.
It can take courage to realizethe things that I can't change.
It takes heart to realize thethings that I don't have control
over, that I thought or I wishor I wanted to have control over
.
And that can take heart, thatcan take vulnerability.
So, yeah, I mean it takescourage because we can have, we
(25:58):
touched upon fear of the unknown, courage to change the things I
can.
It can take, change, introduce,introduces uncertainty.
If there's uncertainty, well,yeah, I think I should do it
with heart.
To do it with I mean, let'sthink it, it comes from the word
(26:19):
heart.
I think that's so powerful togo from the head to the heart.
It takes a lot of courage tolead with that way.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
The source of life.
Yeah, that kind ofre-emphasized the very first
word of the prayer too, aboutGod, that whatever the say of
the prayer is understanding whatGod is.
But this courage is alsoempowered by the addressing of
that God.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
If.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
I'm just saying I have this courage.
Where is it coming from?
Is it coming from my ego?
Is it coming from my intellect?
Is it coming from my masteryover physical abilities?
It connects back to the Godbeing addressed in the beginning
that where am I getting thepower from?
Where am I getting the couragefrom?
That's good.
So there's that setup alreadyin the beginning about ego
(27:11):
deflation addressing tosomething greater, and then that
power comes through this heart.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah, if we allow the ego deflation, the humility it
allows a room for the heart,allows even more room for that
power, that higher power, theGod, yeah, well said.
So let's say a couple morethings, that why it takes
courage to change these things.
Well, we said that it changes,introduces uncertainty.
(27:41):
With change, there's a risk offailure, isn't there that it
involves a risk.
If I'm having the courage tochange the things I can, well,
there's a risk that I might, Ican't.
There's potential setbacks,there's obstacles and challenges
(28:06):
, so there's a chance that itwon't change.
So I need some courage, I needsome heart to be OK that it
might not change.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
That's pretty deep.
There is comfort in thepredictability, there's comfort
in the stability.
So I don't want that to change.
So that's why they say itrequires more effort to remain
the same than to allow thechange to occur.
(28:42):
Because if I like this job andif I'm comfortable, even if
there is a greater job, I'm like, yeah, I'm comfortable, I don't
want to change, but then I'mmissing out too.
So that's a good point aboutthe courage, that taking a risk,
taking some kind of a healthyrisk, and letting go of that and
trusting that, yeah, this ispart of growth.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
And for my experience it might be a perceived risk.
I don't.
It goes back to the beginning.
God, grant me, allow me, giveme.
I'm humbly asking some peace ofmind, calmness of mind and this
unknown and this uncertaintyand this change and the courage
(29:28):
and the power, the higher power,the heart, to change the things
I can.
And there's vulnerability inthat and it may require exposure
and these new situations andideas leading to a sense of
vulnerability, and that's notcomfortable.
Vulnerability often has anegative connotation.
Why am I in this situation?
Oh, I need courage.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, yeah, this part really dispels the sense of
victimhood too, or sense of likepassive being passive.
When I address it like courageto change, it's just taking
responsibility.
That what is it I can do inthis moment?
There are choices.
I have this ability to move mybody.
I have this ability, hopefully,to change my thought, change my
(30:14):
attitude.
So, yeah, there's a lot ofempowerment in this part of the
prayer.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
I frequently let people know and recovery is
often a vulnerable process for alot of people and they fear
that they're going to have tochange things that they don't
want to change, and I often givethem the perspective, the idea,
that I don't want you to changethings that don't serve you and
(30:44):
I don't want you to changethings that are going awesome
and are healthy in your life.
Keep that good.
I don't want to change that inyou, Don't you want to change
the things that don't serve youand are leading to relapse and
lack of peace and lack ofserenity and lack of enjoyment
in your life?
I mean, that's the stuff that Iwant to help you change and I
(31:06):
just want to help you identifywhat that actually is.
Oh, and that can be empoweringand freeing and give people a
sense of peace and calmness andtranquility and serenity.
But people often have this fearthat change isn't going to be
good.
Well, no, keep the good stuff.
(31:26):
I don't want you to change that.
I just want to change thethings that A are leading you to
relapse and B are takingserenity out of your life.
Well, that sounds palatable.
Ok, let's get vulnerable withthat.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Yeah, yeah, keep the ones that are good for you,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Let's identify some things that we can change.
We can change behavioralpatterns.
We can change unhealthy copingskills.
With healthy coping skills wecan change an attitude and
perspective.
I don't want the tunnel visionthat's keeping me in the level
of the problem.
We have a whole episode oncontracted awareness and
expanded awareness.
(32:04):
We can change how wecommunicate in a healthier way.
We can change personalboundaries.
Boundaries are for us, aren'tfor the other people.
That can be a healthy change.
We can change career paths thatbetter align with our passions
and our goals.
We can change lifestyle choicesthat no longer serve us in a
(32:25):
healthy way.
There's all we can change oursecond, third, fourth, fifth
thought and emotion.
There's plenty of things thatwe do have the ability to change
, don't you agree?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Yeah, and from the point of view of mindfulness and
meditation, what's true is thatwe can also change what we pay
attention to.
That it's also very empoweringabout what am I paying attention
to right now and then becomingaware of it.
As soon as I become aware of it, I have a choice to what else
should I pay attention to?
(32:56):
So that's also another thingthat's very helpful for people
in recovery that choosing what Ipay attention to, but first
becoming aware of oh, this iswhat's occupying my mind.
Let me focus on reading, Let mefocus on my posture, Let me
focus on saying this prayer overand over again, Like that
(33:18):
ability to change our thoughts,to change our attention towards
something more positive, is alsosomething that we can change.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
Love that a lot.
Courage should change thethings we can.
And often my favorite part ofthis whole prayer and the wisdom
to know the difference.
I think that can be the hardestthing a lot of times To have
the wisdom, the wherewithal toidentify the things that I can
change and the things that Ican't.
And how often, when I lackserenity, when I lack peace of
(33:52):
mind, calmness of mind, theissue is I'm trying to control
or change something that I don'tactually have the ability to
control.
How often is it myself will runriot.
How often is it a resentmentthat things aren't being
controlled the way I want themto?
(34:13):
So that wisdom and the wisdomand we're asking grant me, allow
me to have the wisdom, thewherewithal, the courage to
identify that I have the wisdomto know the difference between
the things that I can and can'tcontrol.
That's how I look at it To knowthe difference and accept the
(34:35):
difference between the thingsthat I can and can't change or
the things that I can and can'tcontrol.
And when I have that wisdom andthat acceptance and that
realization whether it's an aha,a light bulb, a spiritual
experience of the educationalvariety that is freeing, that it
(34:55):
gives me internal peace.
A lot of times that gives meacceptance and to have that
wisdom.
I can not only learn from mymistakes, but I think it's also
wisdom that I can have thatrealization from other people's
experiences too.
That I don't have to learn justfrom things that I can and
(35:19):
can't control, that I can hearfrom other people's experiences
and have peace and serenity andcalmness from other people.
That's wisdom too.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Yeah, that's also my favorite part of the prayer and
from a Buddhist perspective too,that's like the most Buddhist
part of the prayer too, whenwe're talking about wisdom,
which to me is some kind of adiscernment ability to
differentiate between what'strue and what's false, what's
right, what's wrong, Like anintuitive knowledge, intuitive
feeling of that wisdom, which Ireally equate wisdom with
(35:58):
serenity.
I equate wisdom with calmnessbecause when somebody is wise,
he's serene, because he knowsthe truth, but also that I think
the other thing that I like toemphasize on is about the fact
that this is not a one-timeprayer.
It's a muscle memory that Ihave to keep doing over and over
again.
The wisdom is not granted.
(36:18):
I'm good, it's more like I feelat it.
I learn more about the thingsthat I thought I can change and
realize I cannot.
There's a lot of learning thathappens by repeating Constant
change, constant change in mylife.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
So the repetition and tension and for me not being
complacent on this, to have thewisdom to activate this again
and make this conscious again ina spiritual way is important
for me.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
And one final thought about that wisdom, or just the
whole prayer in general from themindfulness and meditation
point of view, is also myunderstanding of the mind, based
on my practice, is that themind always grieve for pleasure.
If there is pleasure, I wantmore.
The mind is always chasingafter that.
But also if there is pain, Iwant to avoid it against it.
(37:14):
So this prayer, especiallythose contrasts between what I
cannot change and what I canchange, gives me that wisdom of
oh, is it a thought that Ishould meet with nonattachment?
So if it's pleasure, it's okayto accept it if I look at it
from a nonattachable point ofview, or is it something that I
should meet with compassion?
So, like practicing that overand over again gives builds that
(37:36):
wisdom, that, oh, that's a veryjudgmental, negative self-talk
that I'm having, so I shouldTreat it with compassion.
Or, oh, this is a success thatI'm taking pride in.
I can look at it with nonattachment, Not more.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
You know that that's also a good guiding principle
behind the thoughts that wisdomand I'll say it this way in this
part of this serenity prayer,because this is only the first
half, I'll read the second halfin a second is it's own.
People say use the tools in thetoolbox.
We were able to break down anddecipher so many Skill sets and
(38:13):
tools that you can use atdifferent parts and different
ways in this prayer.
It's just full of, dependingwith what you're going through,
where you're at, what part ofthis prayer you can apply in
your life the humbling part, theturning over part, the
accepting part, the, you name it.
It's just Full of coping skillsthroughout this whole thing.
(38:37):
So if you guys don't mind, I'llread the, the, and I think the
second part of this prayers Justas impactful as the first part.
I'll read the whole thing.
God, grant me the serenity toaccept the things I cannot
change, the courage to changethe things I can and the wisdom
to know the difference, livingone day at a time, enjoying one
(39:00):
moment at a time, acceptinghardship as a pathway to peace,
taking, as Jesus did, thissinful world as it is, not as I
would have it, trusting that youwill make all things right if I
surrender to your will so thatI may be reasonably happy in
this life and Supremely happywith you forever in the next
(39:23):
Amen, and you can replace Jesusfor higher power or God or
whatever you want to do, butAccepting hardship as a pathway
to pathway to peace, well, wecould break that down, couldn't
we?
Yeah, pain is a good teacherthere's a silver lining and and
anything can be a change inacceptance, a growth aspect.
(39:48):
Taking this unfold as it isanother acceptance moment, not
as I would have it, being ableto See things for how they are,
not as necessarily that I wouldif I was the director of play.
This is how I would do it,trusting that you, this higher
(40:10):
power, will make things allright if I turn my will over to
you.
Right?
That's a lot of third step inthat, in that belief, so may, so
that I may be recentlyreasonably happy in this life
and, to print me, happy with youforever in the next.
Pretty powerful, yeah, prettypowerful.
(40:30):
Well, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (40:33):
It's good, yeah, it's good that word, we talk about
it and, yeah, I really believein the power of repetition, the
power of prayer.
They're just energy trapped inwords, you know, or in
statements.
For me that I come from thattradition of the oral tradition,
so I pay really attention tothe, the sounds, but also the
(40:55):
energy that unpacked from thosesounds.
So sometimes, like when I saythe serenity prayer, that's like
my identity or identificationwith people in recovery, you
know.
So if I think about whoever hassaid the serenity prayer in the
entire history or even in thismoment right now, there's power
in there and I pay attention tothat energy.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Yeah, so healing energy, spiritual energy.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Yeah, when you're even reading that, you know, I
started feeling the power behindthat.
I started imagining, yeah, allthe meetings that I've been to,
people that I've said the prayertogether with, and people that
I've heard the prayer from, likeeverything's all packed in that
moment.
I think it takes less than 10seconds, right?
Do you see the whole prayer?
Or even, depending on how fastyou say it?
(41:40):
So, yeah, I have a friend inrecovery who always says that
Prayer is great because itdoesn't cost you any money and
you can do it at any timefreebie and won't anywhere
freebie I'll send.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Well, as we conclude this enlightening explanation of
the serenity prayer, we hopeyou found valuable insights that
resonate with your personaljourney.
Remember, the serenity prayerisn't just a collection of words
, like we're saying, it's aguiding philosophy that can
empower you in the face oflife's challenges.
Some of the key takeawaysacceptance, embracing the things
you cannot change.
(42:15):
Finding peace and surrenderingto the natural flow of life.
Courage, like we talked aboutsome in the bravery to change
what you can, recognizing thetransformative power that lies
within and that wisdom,cultivate the discernment To
know the difference, fostering adeep understanding of your path
and purpose.
(42:35):
So take a moment to reflect onhow acceptance, courage and
wisdom can shape your responsesto life's twists and turns.
Consider incorporating theseprinciples into your daily
practices, empowering yourselfto navigate challenges with
grace.
Thank you for joining us inthis journey of self-discovery
and mindfulness.
If you found value in today'sepisode, we invite you to share
(42:56):
it with others who might benefit.
Don't forget to subscribe Formore transformative content.
As you step back into therhythm of your day, carry the
spirit of the serenity with you.
Remember, every challenge is anopportunity for growth and
within you lies the power tocreate positive change.
So until next time, stay sereneand stay empowered.
(43:17):
Subscribe, share and continueyour journey to more serene and
intentional life.
Thank you for being part of therecovery collective and the
therapist Buddhist in you.
My name is Luke DeBoer and thisis all.
Speaker 2 (43:28):
Thank you all for listening.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
See you in a month.
Welcome to Therapists of Buddhists and you, brought
to you by the RecoveryCollective in Annapolis,
maryland.
My name is Luke DeBooy and I amhere with my friend, my
co-finant, my cohort, the oneand only Zomo, hey, zomo.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, luke, good to see you in person.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
In person.
We haven't done a physical inperson one in quite a while, so
it's been good to get back toour studio aka office in
Annapolis, Maryland, at theRecovery Collective.
It's got a good feel here,doesn't it?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
I like coming here.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Yeah, it's been nice that we have the ability of
technology and be able to do itat our humble abodes, but
there's something about doing anin-person episode, I feel.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Definitely yeah.
What are we talking about today?
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Well, we're going to talk about the serenity prayer
and all the things that arewonderful and powerful and
tactful and impactful when itcomes to that.
But we've done a year's worthof episodes, which have been
awesome.
But we've been thrown aroundthe idea of eventually starting
(01:21):
a second season, and often whatbecomes before a second season
is a little break.
So Zall and I have beencontemplating when we'll take
just a little time off and we'rethrowing around the idea that
we take February off andrecharge our batteries and we'll
(01:41):
probably record a couple duringthe month of February.
But we've got certainly a fewother content ideas we're
beginning to brainstorm so thatway we can bring all of our
wonderful listeners.
But right now we're throwingaround the idea of taking the
month of February off and thengetting into season two
(02:05):
beginning of March.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Recharge our batteries and look forward to
giving content through theepisodes and maybe some we'll
talk more later about it butmore content in different
platforms that we can give thelisteners in the future as well.
Sounds good Serenity prayer.
Let's jump in.
(02:30):
It's interesting.
We're both in recovery andthere's so many things that I
can easily get complacent on.
We go to meetings and somethingthat we say all the time is I'm
Luke, I'm an addict, I'm analcoholic, and we say that all
(02:52):
the time, but sometimes that initself can lose meaning.
There's a reason why I say it.
It's not just ritualistic ortraditional to do so, and when I
say that in a meeting and I'mLuke, I'm an alcoholic what I
try to remind myself in to do isreally what one of my favorite
(03:18):
definitions of an alcoholic isis step one, that when I say
that and I want that to remindme that I'm parallel or sober
drugs and alcohol, that my lifehad become immanageable, and
that can be an empowered thingand not a frustrating, woe is me
type thing.
We can just say that and aspart of the routine.
I think that can be true forsomething just as powerful as
(03:41):
this serenity prayer that weoften say after meetings,
whether it's the Lord's Prayeror the Serenity Prayer and we
can just say the words and wecan get complacent on the power
of these words and theintentionality behind these
words.
We talk about a collectivesolution to health and wellness.
(04:03):
I think the Serenity Prayerthat we have certainly
highlighted pieces over in thisseason, one over this past year,
and we've mentioned theSerenity Prayer for a lot of
different reasons.
So I felt it's a really goodtime to give it its show, give
it its own episode and reallybreak down the Serenity Prayer
(04:29):
and the power that can come fromthe meaning and the intention
behind that prayer.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (04:36):
That sounds really good.
Yeah, I have a lot of respectfor that prayer.
There's nothing that SerenityPrayer cannot be applied to, so
that's what I like about thatprayer, and I have a lot of
respect for the recoverycommunity and this prayer too.
So I just wanted to begin bysaying that I'm very curious
about what's going to beunpacked out of it, but at the
(04:57):
same time, I was taught thisprayer by a friend who was in
the 12-step program and Ihaven't even joined the program
and she taught me that and thenI had to memorize it.
It was tricky to memorize it,but then I really believe that
that prayer has been keeping mearound all along and so, yeah, I
(05:17):
have a lot of respect for that.
But I also know that it hassome religious background to it.
So I just wanted to make surethat I approach it from a layman
point of view, but also thewisdom embedded in it, and also
it will talk more about it.
For me, it had more to do withthe.
I believe in the power ofprayer in terms of bringing
(05:37):
mindfulness to the presentmoment.
So for me, those weremeditation moments, where when
we go to 12-step recoverymeetings, at the end they say it
, or in the beginning they sayit, so it's like the coming
together of all the attentioninto the sound of the prayer.
So that's how I started gettinga sense of belonging.
So I believe in that unison andthen that union of unity of
(06:02):
people saying it together, and Ibelieve in the power too, in
that.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
I like it and, as you guys know, we certainly like to
break things down and do itdeeper dives.
So we're going to do that withthe prayer and even though this
is a prayer, a lot of peoplelook at this in a non-religious
way.
People often look at it in aspiritual way or a union
connecting thing which we'regoing to just kind of go in and
(06:29):
go for it.
But so that first word youcould spend a whole session
group on God.
We're not going to.
So if you don't like the wordGod, you can replace it with.
I'm giving you, the listeners,the option to replace it with
higher power, with to whom itmay concern whatever you so
(06:50):
choose, but we're not going tospend the whole session on that.
One word, when it comes to 12steps, it's as we understood him
and if you look at the steps,we understand that it's
something more powerful thanjust us and its own right.
But it says this higher power,god grant me.
(07:12):
It's our first kind of sign ofhumility, isn't it?
We ask this power to whom it mayconcern?
Grant me, allow me to have, letme receive, give me it's a
humble request of this divineassistance or this.
(07:36):
To intervene, meaning not leftto my own devices.
I'm looking at something, notjust me, and we're asking the it
, the power, this, if it'sdivine, if you so look at it
that way.
We're asking and it's ahumbling process off the get-go,
(07:57):
to whom it may concern.
Please give me Quite a way tostart an ask or a prayer.
So we start out with a humblerequest Grant me serenity and
I'm known for saying that to me,my favorite thing that I've
(08:19):
ever gotten from sobriety andrecovery is this word and we're
asking this power, whatever itmight be, to whom it may concern
.
We're asking this power, in ahumble, as way as possible, to
give me, allow me to haveintervene so I can have this
peace of mind, calmness of mind.
(08:41):
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (08:44):
Yeah, a lot is already packed in those words.
Speaker 1 (08:47):
You started quick, didn't we?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
But the thing about God or higher power.
I think that part is veryimportant for whoever, because
it can be the universe.
But the wording of that reallyis about addressing it, turning
my attention towards somethingpositive.
So I feel like that part isimportant too.
We cannot skip it.
It's like when I'm talking toyou, I want to say Luke, as
(09:12):
opposed to I'm just talking outinto the air to whomever, so
like using a particular word orwhatever, it means a lot to you.
That's like turning all theattention to that, so that I am
paying attention, I'm addressingto it.
So I think that part is alsoreally important because we're
setting an intention, addressingit.
But then the grand part it'sinteresting because I look at it
(09:36):
from a non-theistic point ofview for me is that you know
Grant, as in like you mentionedit about humbly asking, you know
with humility, so like if Ijust look at it, just like grant
me as the word, that's kind ofmisleading.
But if I look at the wholeprayer because this is a big
deal about just any kind ofspiritual practice in general is
(09:58):
that when I'm asking forsomething, it's not about what
I'm asking for, but whether thatgrant is, whether that wish is
granted or not has to do withthe motive.
So I want a lot of money, butis it for me to go buy drugs and
alcohol?
Or I want a lot of money is itto help people?
So, if I think about that fromthat point of view, grant me the
serenity.
Like this, granting has to dowith a good purpose, you know.
(10:21):
So, yeah, it's not a demand,but it's more about, like you
said, allowing me to have thisso that I can use it for a good
purpose, which is unpacked later.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Yeah, it's, it's.
I'm asking for calmness, measking for this peace of mind.
This calmness of mind, which isone way, synonymously, I define
.
Serenity, implies a desire forinner peace in the face of
challenges and uncertainties.
(10:52):
And I often say that recoveryin the spiritual principles, of
these 12 steps that we have cometo, to apply in our lives to
the best of our abilities, givesme the ability to have internal
peace even though I havepotentially external chaos.
(11:14):
And sometimes I ask from myhigher power to please allow me
give me this serenity when I canhave, whether it's internal or
external chaos.
So that word, it didn't saygrant me sobriety.
(11:35):
This is grant me serenity.
Higher power, allow me give mepeace of mind, calmness of mind.
Grant me serenity, and to methat is.
We see that in the promises andwe see that in the literature
and in the heart of thespiritual principles.
(11:57):
It's not about things, it'sabout how we deal with things
and life on life's terms.
And having serenity and peaceof mind is the opposite of, I
think, restore us to, to sanity,right?
If I don't have sanity, then Idon't have serenity.
(12:18):
If I don't have serenity, thenit gives me another reason to
drink a drug, doesn't it?
I often drank to numb outfeelings, I often drug to feel
better or feel different.
Well, if I have serenity, if Ihave calmness, tranquility,
peace of mind, I can still haveexternal chaos, I can still have
(12:40):
stress in my life, but I can,if I can, have peace, internal
peace, even with those six wow.
So sometimes we need this powergreater than ourselves, or a
higher power, or thisspirituality, to feel this peace
of mind, calmness of mind.
Well, why God, grant me theserenity to accept?
(13:05):
To me, this is a crucial aspectof the recovery process to
accept things, don't you think?
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Definitely yeah.
And before moving on, I do alsowant to emphasize the way I
look at it that breaking down isvery important, but also the
integrity and the wholeness ofthe prayer seals the deal.
So the way as you were talking,the way I was thinking, is that
granting or asking, demanding,can be misleading.
So because I also wanted toemphasize about the consistency,
(13:37):
doing it repeatedly but alsotaking responsibility, because
when I like ask, give it to me,you know the difference that I
think of it like okay, higherpower, give me a fish, I demand
it, as opposed to God, help meLearn how to fish.
There's a big differencebetween give me what I need as
opposed to teach me so that Ican learn how to be serene.
(14:00):
So it's all unpacked later inthe whole prayer.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Can we see that in the prayer?
You're right, yeah, yeah, and Ithink it's the reason to.
It says grant, which is a muchmore humble way than demanding.
Grant is another way for allowor Allow me to know the
difference, or the differencebetween accepting and changing
the things I can and can't write, and we'll break all that down.
I think you're right in In.
(14:24):
Words are powerful and they canConfuse us or they can give us
more empowerment.
Right, and I think there's areason why it says grant as
opposed to Demand or whatever.
Yeah, so let's go to accept.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
That word is a crucial aspect of the recovery
process.
It's a fun, fundamental step inmoving beyond denial, isn't it
acceptance?
If we don't accept things, thenwe are Potentially what?
Potentially?
In denial.
If we don't accept things, thenwhat do you think?
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yeah, though they already is a sense of surrender
embedded in accepting.
So I like that because, yeah,accepting means seeing the truth
, you know, and yes, no fighting, I accept it.
Yeah, so there's a lot of peacein that.
Already that advice, or thatinstruction or that direction
Help me to accept, you know yeseven if it's like things I
(15:23):
cannot change or things I can'tchange, it doesn't matter, just
like asking for that acceptancealready is an act of surrender.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
And it's.
It serves as a foundation forchange.
If I can accept things for howthey are, then I can better
identify the things that I canand can't change.
I am not in denial if I acceptthings for how they are.
I don't have to like it, but Ican sure accept it.
(15:51):
Yeah, it helps us embraceresponsibility.
If I accept, I'm not in denial,I am embracing the
responsibility.
It's a foundation for changeand it's very mindful, isn't it?
If we accept things, it's I'min the present moment, without
(16:14):
Future or unnecessary judgment,when I actually accept things
for how they are.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Yeah, to sprinkle a little of Buddhism to it.
It makes me think of, like,when I think about a set, it's
like that concept of meta, theepisode that we've done on
loving kindness.
So when I say accept, likethere is a sense of friendliness
, welcoming.
When I accept a friendship,when I accept Somebody's
invitation, there's a sense ofharmony that when I accept it.
(16:41):
There is no resistance, thereis no fighting, there is no
Against.
It's all about yeah you know,you're welcoming it.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
Good to accept the things we cannot change.
So let's Identify things.
Some of the things we cannotchange past actions Can't change
.
Past actions Can't change agenetic predisposition.
I can't change my genetics,can't change Certain
(17:15):
consequences.
When I had my felony chargecharge, I completely accepted
that the judge could Deem me.
You got a felony charge andyou're going to do three months
in jail like I Acceptedcompletely that.
I believe I did all the thingsthat I could.
But the rest, when I was infront of that at Judge for you
(17:40):
know copious amounts of cannabisand and they charge me for
intended to distribute that I Icompletely accepted that I did
the things that I could andwhatever that judge was going to
do, I Was going to be okay withit because I felt like in my at
that point months, in thesobriety that I went to
(18:03):
treatment, I was going to12-step fellowship and,
regardless of what was going tohappen, that I was going to be
okay.
I had enough peace of mind andcalmness of mind that even
though if I was gonna get acharge to felony and it wasn't
going to be PBJ and I was goodif I was going to do jail time
that I did everything in mypower to Not do that and if I
(18:24):
was going to do jail time, Iaccepted it and I had peace of
mind the first part of thisprayer that I was going to be
okay Because I did I did all thethings that I could.
I felt, so I Accepted, whateverthe consequences were going to
be.
I I accepted that sometimes youhave to accept other people's
(18:45):
behaviors.
Sometimes I want to changepeople, but I can't control or
change people, can I?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah, I'd like that part.
Two things I cannot change likethat, naming it, the addressing
already is a sense of humilityand it's also ego deflating very
, because it addresses the factthat I have limitations.
You know, when I say things Icannot change, when I have like
really big ego, I don't evenwant to say that that there are
things that I cannot change.
(19:16):
I don't accept it because I canchange everything, so that that
wording already is verypowerful about Limitations, that
there are things outside of mycontrol.
That also means that I amDependent on other people to
live in this world like there isa coexistence.
I cannot produce electric city,you know I need that.
That's something that I cannotdo it on my own.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
So there's a sense of like Welcoming again, of like
opening up that things I cannotchange, as in yes, you know, I
accept that in the book 12-step,the big book talks about
Sometimes we try to be thedirector of our play and that
doesn't work out too well andwe're just one player in this,
(20:00):
this play of life.
So when we try to directeverything, that's often when my
experience things go southbecause I try to Control people,
places and things that Iactually do not have control
over.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, and one other thing too, which is kind of a
philosophical thing that I'vethought about a long time ago,
which is kind of originated inBuddhism.
When we're talking about likethings I cannot change, like I
cannot also change the processof change.
So in Buddhism there is thatconcept everything is changing,
everything is impermanent.
But then that statement is thisoutside of impermanence.
(20:37):
So that was like aphilosophical debate that if
everything is changing.
The fact that everything ischanging will be changing too,
but that's not true.
It is outside of the realm.
So, like things, I cannotchange also means that I cannot
change the process of change.
Things are going to move on,people are going to die,
relationships are going to, youknow, go away eventually.
There's also an acceptance oflooking at the process of change
(21:00):
.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Change has a constant .
The constant is change.
Yeah, we could go mad over itor we can accept it.
I I am a big believer that Ican't change my first thought or
my first emotion.
That if I had the power not tothink of my first thought or
what to change my first emotion,I think I'm got this level of
(21:27):
powerlessness over that.
Maybe I'm powerless over mysecond thought.
I'm certainly not powerlessover my third thought and
emotion.
Maybe not my second thought andemotion, but that first one I
know I'm powerless over.
I know that I can't stop myselffor the most part and I think
everybody knows what I'm gettingat, that If Zoll looks at me
(21:50):
and calls me an asshole, I ampowerless over my first thought
and emotion behind that.
But the beauty of you knowrecovery coaching and life
coaching that you do and therapythat I do with my clients that
helping people with their second, third, fourth thoughts and
emotions and getting a sense ofwhether it's control or peace
(22:14):
with their third, fourth, fifththoughts and emotions and
ultimately behaviors and actionsand reactions is is a doing to
help people, to help people with.
But that first one can't stop.
That.
One Can't stop that firstthought, first emotion and, in
addition to the thoughts andemotions, just the can't change,
(22:35):
unpredictable future events.
Boy, we would like to changethe future.
Sometimes we would like tochange the past.
We can't.
How do we focus on the presentand identify the things we can
and can't change with thepresent Buddhist perspective on
that?
Yeah, it's all in the presentmoment, but also, um, it makes
(23:00):
me take responsibility too.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I have no control over the future that I cannot
change.
Not only I cannot change, Icannot even see you know what's
going to happen, but it kind ofmotivates me to focus on what I
can do in this moment.
So, um, yeah, do you want tokeep going?
I think it's good to kind ofseal.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
It's amazing how good we think we are at predicting
the future.
It's amazing how good we thinkour fear is going to be so
accurate about our future andfuture endeavors.
If we're that good atpredicting the future, we'd all
be very well off and rich.
But we're just not that good atit.
We're just not, and partiallybecause for a lot, of us, our
(23:48):
fears and our present areaffecting our future and ever's,
and we help a lot of peoplewith that type of anxiety and
concern and catastrophizing andthings like that.
So let's move on to the nextpart, Courage.
I think that word we should, weshould hit comes from the Latin
(24:09):
word core, C-O-R.
Meaning heart and the courage,except the things I cannot
change.
And the heart, the courage toknow the, to know the difference
right and to ability toconfront fear, pain, danger,
(24:34):
uncertainty.
That takes courage, doesn't it?
Whoever came out with thisprayer is very, very wise.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Yes, because there is something that just makes you
feel like you're wise, becausethere is something that just
revealed to me just now abouthow different a prayer could be
if that sequences switch.
God, grant me the, grant me theserenity, the courage to change
the things I can, and then theacceptance to you know, things
(25:04):
like that, like that would be sodifferent, but like there's
some kind of ego being deflatedalready, starting with things
that cannot change and that onlythen the heart and the courage
and the confidence comes thatokay, what are the things that I
can change?
So it just dawned on me aboutthe intentional sequence of
starting with things that Icannot change and then courage
later, as opposed to I have thiscourage, I'm going to change
(25:27):
all these things out there, so alittle bit of things that I
cannot change, but it's not thatway.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I think it takes.
It can take courage to realizethe things that I can't change.
It takes heart to realize thethings that I don't have control
over, that I thought or I wishor I wanted to have control over
.
And that can take heart, thatcan take vulnerability.
So, yeah, I mean it takescourage because we can have, we
(25:58):
touched upon fear of the unknown, courage to change the things I
can.
It can take, change, introduce,introduces uncertainty.
If there's uncertainty, well,yeah, I think I should do it
with heart.
To do it with I mean, let'sthink it, it comes from the word
(26:19):
heart.
I think that's so powerful togo from the head to the heart.
It takes a lot of courage tolead with that way.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
The source of life.
Yeah, that kind ofre-emphasized the very first
word of the prayer too, aboutGod, that whatever the say of
the prayer is understanding whatGod is.
But this courage is alsoempowered by the addressing of
that God.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
If.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
I'm just saying I have this courage.
Where is it coming from?
Is it coming from my ego?
Is it coming from my intellect?
Is it coming from my masteryover physical abilities?
It connects back to the Godbeing addressed in the beginning
that where am I getting thepower from?
Where am I getting the couragefrom?
That's good.
So there's that setup alreadyin the beginning about ego
(27:11):
deflation addressing tosomething greater, and then that
power comes through this heart.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
Yeah, if we allow the ego deflation, the humility it
allows a room for the heart,allows even more room for that
power, that higher power, theGod, yeah, well said.
So let's say a couple morethings, that why it takes
courage to change these things.
Well, we said that it changes,introduces uncertainty.
(27:41):
With change, there's a risk offailure, isn't there that it
involves a risk.
If I'm having the courage tochange the things I can, well,
there's a risk that I might, Ican't.
There's potential setbacks,there's obstacles and challenges
(28:06):
, so there's a chance that itwon't change.
So I need some courage, I needsome heart to be OK that it
might not change.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
That's pretty deep.
There is comfort in thepredictability, there's comfort
in the stability.
So I don't want that to change.
So that's why they say itrequires more effort to remain
the same than to allow thechange to occur.
(28:42):
Because if I like this job andif I'm comfortable, even if
there is a greater job, I'm like, yeah, I'm comfortable, I don't
want to change, but then I'mmissing out too.
So that's a good point aboutthe courage, that taking a risk,
taking some kind of a healthyrisk, and letting go of that and
trusting that, yeah, this ispart of growth.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
And for my experience it might be a perceived risk.
I don't.
It goes back to the beginning.
God, grant me, allow me, giveme.
I'm humbly asking some peace ofmind, calmness of mind and this
unknown and this uncertaintyand this change and the courage
(29:28):
and the power, the higher power,the heart, to change the things
I can.
And there's vulnerability inthat and it may require exposure
and these new situations andideas leading to a sense of
vulnerability, and that's notcomfortable.
Vulnerability often has anegative connotation.
Why am I in this situation?
Oh, I need courage.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, yeah, this part really dispels the sense of
victimhood too, or sense of likepassive being passive.
When I address it like courageto change, it's just taking
responsibility.
That what is it I can do inthis moment?
There are choices.
I have this ability to move mybody.
I have this ability, hopefully,to change my thought, change my
(30:14):
attitude.
So, yeah, there's a lot ofempowerment in this part of the
prayer.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
I frequently let people know and recovery is
often a vulnerable process for alot of people and they fear
that they're going to have tochange things that they don't
want to change, and I often givethem the perspective, the idea,
that I don't want you to changethings that don't serve you and
(30:44):
I don't want you to changethings that are going awesome
and are healthy in your life.
Keep that good.
I don't want to change that inyou, Don't you want to change
the things that don't serve youand are leading to relapse and
lack of peace and lack ofserenity and lack of enjoyment
in your life?
I mean, that's the stuff that Iwant to help you change and I
(31:06):
just want to help you identifywhat that actually is.
Oh, and that can be empoweringand freeing and give people a
sense of peace and calmness andtranquility and serenity.
But people often have this fearthat change isn't going to be
good.
Well, no, keep the good stuff.
(31:26):
I don't want you to change that.
I just want to change thethings that A are leading you to
relapse and B are takingserenity out of your life.
Well, that sounds palatable.
Ok, let's get vulnerable withthat.
Speaker 2 (31:40):
Yeah, yeah, keep the ones that are good for you,
absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Let's identify some things that we can change.
We can change behavioralpatterns.
We can change unhealthy copingskills.
With healthy coping skills wecan change an attitude and
perspective.
I don't want the tunnel visionthat's keeping me in the level
of the problem.
We have a whole episode oncontracted awareness and
expanded awareness.
(32:04):
We can change how wecommunicate in a healthier way.
We can change personalboundaries.
Boundaries are for us, aren'tfor the other people.
That can be a healthy change.
We can change career paths thatbetter align with our passions
and our goals.
We can change lifestyle choicesthat no longer serve us in a
(32:25):
healthy way.
There's all we can change oursecond, third, fourth, fifth
thought and emotion.
There's plenty of things thatwe do have the ability to change
, don't you agree?
Speaker 2 (32:36):
Yeah, and from the point of view of mindfulness and
meditation, what's true is thatwe can also change what we pay
attention to.
That it's also very empoweringabout what am I paying attention
to right now and then becomingaware of it.
As soon as I become aware of it, I have a choice to what else
should I pay attention to?
(32:56):
So that's also another thingthat's very helpful for people
in recovery that choosing what Ipay attention to, but first
becoming aware of oh, this iswhat's occupying my mind.
Let me focus on reading, Let mefocus on my posture, Let me
focus on saying this prayer overand over again, Like that
(33:18):
ability to change our thoughts,to change our attention towards
something more positive, is alsosomething that we can change.
Speaker 1 (33:27):
Love that a lot.
Courage should change thethings we can.
And often my favorite part ofthis whole prayer and the wisdom
to know the difference.
I think that can be the hardestthing a lot of times To have
the wisdom, the wherewithal toidentify the things that I can
change and the things that Ican't.
And how often, when I lackserenity, when I lack peace of
(33:52):
mind, calmness of mind, theissue is I'm trying to control
or change something that I don'tactually have the ability to
control.
How often is it myself will runriot.
How often is it a resentmentthat things aren't being
controlled the way I want themto?
(34:13):
So that wisdom and the wisdomand we're asking grant me, allow
me to have the wisdom, thewherewithal, the courage to
identify that I have the wisdomto know the difference between
the things that I can and can'tcontrol.
That's how I look at it To knowthe difference and accept the
(34:35):
difference between the thingsthat I can and can't change or
the things that I can and can'tcontrol.
And when I have that wisdom andthat acceptance and that
realization whether it's an aha,a light bulb, a spiritual
experience of the educationalvariety that is freeing, that it
(34:55):
gives me internal peace.
A lot of times that gives meacceptance and to have that
wisdom.
I can not only learn from mymistakes, but I think it's also
wisdom that I can have thatrealization from other people's
experiences too.
That I don't have to learn justfrom things that I can and
(35:19):
can't control, that I can hearfrom other people's experiences
and have peace and serenity andcalmness from other people.
That's wisdom too.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
Yeah, that's also my favorite part of the prayer and
from a Buddhist perspective too,that's like the most Buddhist
part of the prayer too, whenwe're talking about wisdom,
which to me is some kind of adiscernment ability to
differentiate between what'strue and what's false, what's
right, what's wrong, Like anintuitive knowledge, intuitive
feeling of that wisdom, which Ireally equate wisdom with
(35:58):
serenity.
I equate wisdom with calmnessbecause when somebody is wise,
he's serene, because he knowsthe truth, but also that I think
the other thing that I like toemphasize on is about the fact
that this is not a one-timeprayer.
It's a muscle memory that Ihave to keep doing over and over
again.
The wisdom is not granted.
(36:18):
I'm good, it's more like I feelat it.
I learn more about the thingsthat I thought I can change and
realize I cannot.
There's a lot of learning thathappens by repeating Constant
change, constant change in mylife.
Speaker 1 (36:32):
So the repetition and tension and for me not being
complacent on this, to have thewisdom to activate this again
and make this conscious again ina spiritual way is important
for me.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
And one final thought about that wisdom, or just the
whole prayer in general from themindfulness and meditation
point of view, is also myunderstanding of the mind, based
on my practice, is that themind always grieve for pleasure.
If there is pleasure, I wantmore.
The mind is always chasingafter that.
But also if there is pain, Iwant to avoid it against it.
(37:14):
So this prayer, especiallythose contrasts between what I
cannot change and what I canchange, gives me that wisdom of
oh, is it a thought that Ishould meet with nonattachment?
So if it's pleasure, it's okayto accept it if I look at it
from a nonattachable point ofview, or is it something that I
should meet with compassion?
So, like practicing that overand over again gives builds that
(37:36):
wisdom, that, oh, that's a veryjudgmental, negative self-talk
that I'm having, so I shouldTreat it with compassion.
Or, oh, this is a success thatI'm taking pride in.
I can look at it with nonattachment, Not more.
Speaker 1 (37:50):
You know that that's also a good guiding principle
behind the thoughts that wisdomand I'll say it this way in this
part of this serenity prayer,because this is only the first
half, I'll read the second halfin a second is it's own.
People say use the tools in thetoolbox.
We were able to break down anddecipher so many Skill sets and
(38:13):
tools that you can use atdifferent parts and different
ways in this prayer.
It's just full of, dependingwith what you're going through,
where you're at, what part ofthis prayer you can apply in
your life the humbling part, theturning over part, the
accepting part, the, you name it.
It's just Full of coping skillsthroughout this whole thing.
(38:37):
So if you guys don't mind, I'llread the, the, and I think the
second part of this prayers Justas impactful as the first part.
I'll read the whole thing.
God, grant me the serenity toaccept the things I cannot
change, the courage to changethe things I can and the wisdom
to know the difference, livingone day at a time, enjoying one
(39:00):
moment at a time, acceptinghardship as a pathway to peace,
taking, as Jesus did, thissinful world as it is, not as I
would have it, trusting that youwill make all things right if I
surrender to your will so thatI may be reasonably happy in
this life and Supremely happywith you forever in the next
(39:23):
Amen, and you can replace Jesusfor higher power or God or
whatever you want to do, butAccepting hardship as a pathway
to pathway to peace, well, wecould break that down, couldn't
we?
Yeah, pain is a good teacherthere's a silver lining and and
anything can be a change inacceptance, a growth aspect.
(39:48):
Taking this unfold as it isanother acceptance moment, not
as I would have it, being ableto See things for how they are,
not as necessarily that I wouldif I was the director of play.
This is how I would do it,trusting that you, this higher
(40:10):
power, will make things allright if I turn my will over to
you.
Right?
That's a lot of third step inthat, in that belief, so may, so
that I may be recentlyreasonably happy in this life
and, to print me, happy with youforever in the next.
Pretty powerful, yeah, prettypowerful.
(40:30):
Well, what do you think?
Speaker 2 (40:33):
It's good, yeah, it's good that word, we talk about
it and, yeah, I really believein the power of repetition, the
power of prayer.
They're just energy trapped inwords, you know, or in
statements.
For me that I come from thattradition of the oral tradition,
so I pay really attention tothe, the sounds, but also the
(40:55):
energy that unpacked from thosesounds.
So sometimes, like when I saythe serenity prayer, that's like
my identity or identificationwith people in recovery, you
know.
So if I think about whoever hassaid the serenity prayer in the
entire history or even in thismoment right now, there's power
in there and I pay attention tothat energy.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
Yeah, so healing energy, spiritual energy.
Speaker 2 (41:19):
Yeah, when you're even reading that, you know, I
started feeling the power behindthat.
I started imagining, yeah, allthe meetings that I've been to,
people that I've said the prayertogether with, and people that
I've heard the prayer from, likeeverything's all packed in that
moment.
I think it takes less than 10seconds, right?
Do you see the whole prayer?
Or even, depending on how fastyou say it?
(41:40):
So, yeah, I have a friend inrecovery who always says that
Prayer is great because itdoesn't cost you any money and
you can do it at any timefreebie and won't anywhere
freebie I'll send.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
Well, as we conclude this enlightening explanation of
the serenity prayer, we hopeyou found valuable insights that
resonate with your personaljourney.
Remember, the serenity prayerisn't just a collection of words
, like we're saying, it's aguiding philosophy that can
empower you in the face oflife's challenges.
Some of the key takeawaysacceptance, embracing the things
you cannot change.
(42:15):
Finding peace and surrenderingto the natural flow of life.
Courage, like we talked aboutsome in the bravery to change
what you can, recognizing thetransformative power that lies
within and that wisdom,cultivate the discernment To
know the difference, fostering adeep understanding of your path
and purpose.
(42:35):
So take a moment to reflect onhow acceptance, courage and
wisdom can shape your responsesto life's twists and turns.
Consider incorporating theseprinciples into your daily
practices, empowering yourselfto navigate challenges with
grace.
Thank you for joining us inthis journey of self-discovery
and mindfulness.
If you found value in today'sepisode, we invite you to share
(42:56):
it with others who might benefit.
Don't forget to subscribe Formore transformative content.
As you step back into therhythm of your day, carry the
spirit of the serenity with you.
Remember, every challenge is anopportunity for growth and
within you lies the power tocreate positive change.
So until next time, stay sereneand stay empowered.
(43:17):
Subscribe, share and continueyour journey to more serene and
intentional life.
Thank you for being part of therecovery collective and the
therapist Buddhist in you.
My name is Luke DeBoer and thisis all.
Speaker 2 (43:28):
Thank you all for listening.
Speaker 1 (43:30):
See you in a month.
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