August 28, 2023 • 45 mins
Embrace the constant winds of change and navigate life's unpredictable waters to survive and thrive. Join us in this transformative episode, where we blend psychological and Buddhist wisdom to reveal practical strategies for resilience and stability.
Discover the power of meditation as an anchor, explore the significance of embracing emotions, and challenge your perspective on acceptance and change. Unveil the art of creating healthy comforts, planning, and adopting the practices of gratitude and equanimity. We introduce the idea of gratitude accountability partners – fostering community and deepening appreciation. Conclude with the empowering notion to meet change with grace, viewing it as an opportunity for growth. Embark on this enlightening journey and equip yourself to flourish amidst life's ceaseless changes. Tune in now to chart your course toward resilience.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to another episode of A Therapist of
Buddhist and you, where we delveinto a collective solution for
all things health and wellness.
Today, we're venturing into atopic that affects each of us in
profound ways Change.
Change isn't just a part oflife.
It's life's heartbeat, therhythm that shapes our
experiences and journeys.
After we're embracing newopportunities, navigating
(00:30):
unexpected twists, we're seekingways to stay grounded amidst
the whirlwind of change.
This episode offers insightsand techniques from both
psychological and Buddhistperspectives.
So if you're intrigued by theart of adapting the wisdom of
ancient philosophies and thepower to weave resilience into
your narrative, then stay withus as we uncover the keys to
(00:52):
flourishing amidst the life'stransformations.
Any life is a life of change.
We experience transitions inwork and relationships, changes
in our physical and mentalhealth, and new events in our
local communities and our world.
Sometimes we know a change willoccur, while other times it
comes suddenly and unexpectedly.
Maybe it's a disappointment, ormaybe it's a wonderful surprise
(01:14):
.
Many people spend great deal oftime and energy trying to avoid
change, but it will inevitablycatch up to them.
If you can learn to cope withchange, you'll lower your risk
for anxiety and depression, yourrelationships will flourish and
your body will feel healthier,but if you can't cope with
change, only a minor amount ofstress can make you feel
(01:34):
overwhelmed by life.
You might also struggle to setand meet the goals you have for
yourself.
Being able to cope with changeis sometimes called resilience.
Though your environment andgenes might influence your level
of resilience, the amount isn'tset in stone.
Practicing different ways ofthinking and being in the world
can boost your ability to dealwith change and help you create
(01:56):
a life that is adaptive to newplaces and unexpected events.
So let's take a look at a fewhealthy practices for increasing
your level of resilience andcoping with change.
What do you think, zao?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yeah, that's a deep topic.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
It's an inevitable one until it changes again.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, as you were introducing the topic, it makes
me reflect on my own life, howchange has always been part of
it, but also uncomfortable, butat the same time, very rewarding
and satisfying and meaningful.
It makes life a lot moremeaningful.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah, I think this one jumps out to me when we were
talking about topics this week,because I feel like we're in a
season of change.
It's time for kids to go backto school.
Late summer is going to slowlyturn into fall and I think we're
all looking forward to that, asit's been dreadfully hot and
(02:55):
humid this summer.
So, yeah, I feel like change isappropriate for this time of
season in our life and as thingschange around us.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yeah, it's some form of nostalgia for me, because I
was just talking to a friend toowhen I first came to the US.
This is the time of the yearbecause it's the beginning of an
academic year, incomingfreshman that was 2009.
So this always brings back thatidea, because that was a sudden
change for me to move here asan international student and
(03:29):
then being in college.
So it really encapsulates theidea of change.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Besides recovery, for you, was this change to hear
one of the biggest changes inyour life.
That jumps out at you as wow,what a big change.
What a big change that was.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, I can't imagine .
Yeah, it's a huge change.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah.
So let's talk about thisbecause, yeah, this is going to
be very useful for the listenerstoo, because we'll be focusing
more on coping or tools that weuse to deal with change because
that's really what makes usstronger and also some form of
character development to changereally shake you, but to make
(04:13):
you to be more authenticallyreal.
When life shakes you, that'syour true self comes out.
Otherwise we won't survive,right.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Sometimes change does shake us, and we've touched on
change throughout our episode,so I wanted to highlight and
give it its own episode, becauseit's something we do touch upon
a lot in terms of a collectivesolution to health and wellness.
So, like you said, why don't wego back, from the lens of a
therapist myself, thepsychological therapy viewpoint
(04:43):
and coping skills with change,and then we'll get an example
for you from the Buddhistperspective?
Sound good.
Yeah, sounds good, all right.
I'm giving you guys copingskills or things to think of
when it comes to dealing withchange in a healthy way, and the
first one I'll give you is planahead.
Seems pretty simple, but if youknow changes on the horizon, do
(05:05):
some prep work.
Think about what you might dowhen an elderly parent falls ill
or if your company has beenthrough recent layoffs.
Consider how you'll navigatethat change.
Change is less stressful whenyou have a contingency plan.
The example I often give myclients is it's almost like
(05:29):
seeing a slow moving car crashin slow motion and you see it
coming, or you see your littleone running and you know that
they're going to fall.
And how can you plan ahead anddo some prep work with the
inevitable change that you knowis in seas coming?
Plan ahead if you can.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yeah, that is again.
It makes me think about cominghere for studies.
I've never been here, but I didall the preparation, which was
better than nothing.
Learning how to speak English,that was pretty useful.
Or bringing some photos with meor some recipe, so we can.
(06:11):
Yeah, changes inevitable, butthere are also some changes that
are right around the cornerwhere either you've experienced
or you've experienced somethingsimilar.
So, yeah, that's a really goodadvice because it also promotes
some kind of self-esteem andself-respect as well, that if
you're late In that somethinggonna change hits you and you're
(06:32):
not prepared, but if it'ssomething that you already know
what's gonna happen, it's like aWay of self-care to prepare
ahead of time.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
It makes it more bearable.
We have four seasons inMaryland.
I prepare because, even thoughI Do a lot of things in summer
that I enjoy well in winter, Iwant to deal with that change
and I I Get my winter clothesout, I buy firewood so I can
enjoy the fireplace and enjoybeing cooped up inside a little
(07:00):
bit more during the winter.
I prepare for the change ahead.
If I know that there may be Ican't speak to this one, but a
layoff well, a lot.
I recommend to a lot of peoplethat if they fear that they're
going to get fired for their job, would you like to start
looking for a job before you doget laid off?
It's planning ahead.
(07:21):
It makes that that potentialdramatic shift more bearable.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Yeah, and this is extremely true for People who
believe in God, or even if it'sGod of your understanding I've
seen this a lot in recovery thatthat does the simple believe is
that you're being taken care of, you know, so you'll be given
all the tools necessary to dealwith any kind of change, which I
think is very different fromclinging on to something to be
(07:51):
exactly the same way.
So like I think it's also a verysubtle difference, but very
important that the way I like tolook at it from a Buddhist
perspective is that If I havefound a purpose in life and I,
if I stay true to it so, forexample, I have a job and I get
paid by it but then if I'm gonnalose that job, my fear is that,
(08:13):
oh, how am I gonna make money?
But if I think about it fromthe theme the purpose like why
do I even work?
Is to provide service so likeif I just stay true to that idea
, I will be given another job.
It's not like my service isgone.
You know the job is gone, butthat purpose, the theme of why I
do what I do, is still there.
(08:34):
So like that really helps withthat planning ahead that I am
losing something, but there'sstill purpose behind it.
And then higher power, orwhatever your understanding,
we'll meet that you know, yeah,and this can be used for
Anything.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
We don't have to quote-unquote, make assumptions,
but there's been enough timesin my life where I've collected
enough data that there's peoplethat I've worked with that I can
assume that they're going tocreate a discomfort or a change
in my life and with that data Ican plan ahead.
I don't have to makeassumptions.
I can.
I can make the appropriateboundaries or communication so
(09:14):
that way I don't have to feelthe wreckage of this other
person's Lifestyle that affectsme directly.
That's happens in relationships, that happens with a big move
from a different country, thathappens with a change of season.
Yeah right now I'm literallytrying to, as school starts for
my my little one.
(09:36):
She's going to preschool forthe first time is going to be a
big change for us as parents,but also for her.
So we're spending this wholeweekend making a plan.
We showed her the pictures ofwhat her classrooms going to be.
We're trying to Set up theconditions for her to get
excited.
In what she already is, she'sin it.
Well, we can forward, think andand know how can we make this
(10:00):
transition easier for her, andPart of the things that I'm
doing is I'm taking my daughterto the school to make the change
for my wife a little easier.
There's crying in tears and allthat stuff, but we're planning
ahead.
We're talking about it.
We're talking about theexciting things that she's going
to learn in school for thefirst time.
So we're it's a change for us,but it's a huge change for for
(10:22):
her.
She's a Kobe baby, so this is awhole new thing.
We're planning ahead.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, it's kind of a cliche thing to say, but I'm
gonna say it anyway is that youhave everything you need in you
to deal with this change.
You know what I mean by that isthat.
You know, of course, inBuddhism there is that idea,
anisa, which is usuallytranslated as impermanence, that
everything is changing.
You know that's the only yeah,that is true for everything
(10:49):
impermanence.
Things are transient.
But what is also true about thatis that if you reflect on your
own life right now, that's as aresult of change and you've
already acclimated to it.
Like we did not get to where weare now, like without any kind
of change, so like it's always aseries of change that has
already happened.
Which also where Buddhism andGod Center kind of philosophy
(11:13):
kind of deviates from each otheris that In a God Center
philosophy there's a cause ofeverything things were created
but in Buddhism, you know,there's no costless cause,
there's no unmoved mover, soit's just a series of change
that has occurred infinitelysince, I guess, infinitely,
(11:33):
meaning there is no beginning.
So but if we think about thatlike change Is that's gonna
happen, change that is happening, we already have everything
that we need because our brainAcclimates to any kind of change
eventually.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yeah, I know that's the coping skill that you're,
you're leading us off with isyou pronounce it Anissa which is
impermanence, embracing andteaching that impermanence and
Normalizing it.
I think obviously Buddhism doesa wonderful job with that, but
a lot of times, you know, in myworld I like, I don't like
(12:09):
change.
I want my comfort factors andand my cozy patterns and rituals
and all of a sudden, lifecreates changes, season creates
changes.
But to your point, embracingand teaching impermanence that
we say it all the time.
We might have already said inthis episode changes inevitable.
Misery is optional.
Getting used, and normalizingand embracing, whereas it's
(12:34):
pronounced Anissa, impermanenceis one way to deal with change.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yeah, I don't know if this is related to another item
on your list in terms of tools,but what makes me think of as
an advice or kind of likereflecting on my own experience
whenever I deal with change, isthat again, we've talked about
this like the human connection.
I mean, if I think aboutimpermanence, it's kind of
(13:00):
really sad.
Right, my parents are gonna dieone day, you know I'm gonna
have to leave my children oneday like these are all very sad,
but at the same time, if Ireally I like the word you use
of embracing the impermanence,accepting that this is part of
life, it really makes meappreciate life, that the
relationships that I do stillhave with my parents although
(13:21):
they're going to pass one day,but the moment that I have with
them right now is so preciousand same with my children like
anything.
So for me, that's the flip sideof the sadness.
It is true that things areimpermanent, but it makes
everything we do have right inthis moment so meaningful and
rich and precious.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Things.
One of the principles of hereat the Recovery Collective that
you don't have to do thingsalone, whether it's with
facilitators and practitionersor other like-minded people
going through what you're goingthrough and that's true with any
form of change, whether it'sour family members, our support
group that when we connectthrough that change it makes it
(14:01):
more bearable whether thatperson is going through the
change with us or that'ssomething that isn't changing in
our life that we can be gettingthat connectedness and that
collective support with thechange.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah, I like to connect that with meditation
practice as well, because it istrue that everything is changing
, but also there is a place.
I guess in Buddhist term it's arefuge, that, a place that you
go for safety.
I mean life is full of change,but it doesn't mean we need to
live passively that oh,everything is changing, why do I
(14:35):
even care?
But there has to be that corerefuge or belief like what do I
live for, kind of a thing.
So that really makes life a lotmore meaningful too.
So for me, meditation does giveme that grounding experience.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
And are you in that meditation?
Is that what you're focusing on?
Like I'm thinking of ameta-love and kindness
meditation.
So what's the meditation thatyou would do when it comes to
change?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It's not the theme of the meditation, but the
practice itself.
That makes sense.
It's more like a checkpoint orlike a check-in point.
So if I structure my day, Iguess refuge is a good symbol of
what it means.
I go and take safety and that'swhere the stability is and I
(15:26):
live out of that.
But the example that I've heardof is the Buddhist monk was
saying something about use asymbol of pyramids and when you
meditate, meditate like apyramid.
What he means by that is thatpyramids don't fall, it's just
stable.
(15:47):
It's very grounding, but alsoit's something that you can
embody, which means that I cango sit.
But then if I embody thatposture, it's something, some
kind of foundation that I'vealready created for years and
years.
So when I go in and sit in thatsymbol, embody that.
It can be two minutes, threeminutes, but you get tapped
right back into it and it givesyou that stability and the
(16:10):
refuge that we need whenever wego through change.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
So I'll give you my lens through the Buddhist
perspective.
Coping skill of meditationwould be in the meditation
practice Remindfulness practice.
Observe the change withoutattachment, which ultimately can
reduce the suffering.
You're observing the change.
You're just acknowledging itfor what it is.
(16:37):
You're noticing the suffering.
My perspective that that's agreat, wonderful thing, but I
would also recommend take timeto reflect what I mean by that.
If there's a change, there's agrief process.
With a lot of change, you'remissing or you're losing
(16:58):
something.
When we change, we aren't thesame.
The thing that we liked or did,or a part of, or that we're
losing is now gone.
I need to acknowledge, or Iwould benefit from acknowledging
, that emotion, being mindful ofit, was the form of suffering.
For example, we've got Jan-Pakschedules.
(17:18):
Most people don't take time tomourn what they're losing before
diving into something new.
Rather than numb feelings ofsadness with new distractions,
give your thoughts a voice.
Give your thoughts and emotionsa feeling.
Write in a journal, talk withit to a trusted friend, make an
appointment with a therapist.
We might even consider honoringthe loss, even if it's a job
(17:43):
that you don't like or a toxicrelationship that was abusive.
I often help people in thosesituations where they're
frustrated because they're inthis grief and they go.
Man, this wasn't healthy, butI'm still sad.
It's okay.
Actually honor that,acknowledge that, yes, maybe
it's 50%, 60%, 95% of thatrelationship.
(18:05):
That job was toxic.
However, there was this piecethat maybe there was this silver
lining that you did learn, thatyou did grow from it, that it
wasn't all bad.
Let's not ignore that part andtake time to reflect on that.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Yeah, wow.
That's a very important pieceabout grieving the loss morning.
It also makes me think of theidea of acceptance that the
sadness and the regret comesfrom oh, I could have done
better, or why isn't this wayanymore?
What you're saying aboutgrieving is that recognizing
(18:43):
those feelings but, at the sametime, realizing the fact that
everybody did the best theycould, which also brings back to
the present moment tooEverybody's doing their best
they can in this moment, withall the information they have.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Here's the beauty If you didn't feel that you did the
best, you could make thatchange.
You can now do the best you canin your current situation.
You can change that for thebetter.
You can't change the past.
You can change the present andthe future.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
On that note, I do want to ask you a question, for
myself and for the listeners too.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
He just got in his seat groove, so he's really got
a question.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
That's the thing about the grief thing.
The rural thumb for many peopleis like yeah, let it go.
Why are you still even thinkingabout it?
I don't think that's a very,very sound advice because, like
you said, I need to give voiceto that sadness.
Is there a healthier or moreproductive way of dealing with
(19:47):
those?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Gosh, we could do and I think we will.
I've got someone in mind tojoin us.
Our culture America sucks withgrief.
We suck at grief, we suck atloss, we suck at death.
We suck at grieving becausewhat do we often see or do?
We're uncomfortable with it, weavoid it, we get busy when
(20:11):
someone asks how things aregoing.
Oh, I'm sorry for a loss, orit's better off this way and in
half of it's an insult theydon't know it's.
We suck at it as opposed toembracing it and feeling it and
going through the grief processand through the sadness, as
opposed to avoiding it and goingaround it.
So, embrace it, like you said,embrace the suffering or the
(20:35):
mindfulness that comes with it.
Embrace the emotions and allowyourself to be with it, because
that is a normal feeling whensomeone passes or dies or
there's a change in your lifethat's worth grieving over.
Go through it.
Now, some people hold on to itand that's a whole other thing
(20:55):
that maybe we'll do a wholeepisode on grief and loss and
how that can relate to healthand wellness and growth.
But yeah, go through it.
That's my very shortrecommendation or perspective on
it.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, I like that and I also like what you have
shared earlier too about, Iguess, collective but also
connection, that shining lighton it, talking about it with a
sense of community, especiallylike in recovery.
When we lose somebody which isquite common in recovery
communities, especially peopledealing with addiction there's
always a sense of honouring.
(21:28):
When you connect with otherpeople who are mutual friends,
we can really honour the lifethat they lived, which is a way
of grieving morning, but alsowith appreciation.
So I like that.
But also going back to themeditation practice and
mindfulness, is that what hasbeen useful for me?
(21:51):
Is that anything that is true,anything that is some kind of a
spiritual principle, anythingthat is true, is true in a small
scale and is true in a largescale as well.
So that's also what's been veryhelpful about meditation.
Is that this is also some formof a quotation from the Buddha
(22:12):
is that if I want to know thetrue nature of the universe,
everything is already withinthis phantom of body you know so
like that's also why I love thebody-breath-based meditation
that anything that I see in mybody during meditation practice
or in my thoughts, in mybreathing, everything that I'm
(22:34):
observing, is true in theuniverse, in my world, in my
life, in my moving from Burma tohere, in my marriage, in my
kids.
You know so, like there'ssomething very uniting and
unifying and empowering aboutthat, you know so.
That's also what I was tryingto say about how important the
meditation practice is, becausethings are being revealed to you
in silence and while you'reobserving, which gives you a
(22:57):
preparation that, oh, this ishow things are, this is the
nature of things.
So I'm not surprised when I seethat outside of me, just the
same thing, but differentversion.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
It's a beautiful way to go through it, as opposed to
avoiding it orcompartmentalizing and trying to
avoid it.
I'll say yeah, I'll give youanother one.
Reframe your thinking.
This is a very therapist of me,isn't it?
Figure out what's going on inyour mind when you're feeling
sad and break negative patterns.
Easier said than done, Iunderstand, but once you become
(23:31):
aware of your negative thoughts,you're better equipped to shift
them to emphasize the positive.
So, for example, instead of Idon't deserve this raise, tweak
that thought to well, I workedhard for this recognition and I
deserve it.
Another example of an oldperspective.
To reframe your thinking I'mlosing my routine and stability
(23:54):
because of this change.
Well, one way to reframe it isthis changes an opportunity to
embrace new experiences and growoutside my comfort zone.
Okay, another way to say thatis I have to do this change as
opposed to I get to do thischange.
It's where the energy flows.
(24:15):
The energy goes.
If I put energy towardsnegativity, well, that's what
I'm going to feel the stress,anxiety, resentment, frustration
, fear.
If my reframe thinking and theenergies toward positivity,
light, solution, I have a betterway of dealing with change.
I'm already.
My momentum is going in theright direction.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yeah, reframing, that's pretty much changing the
narrative and that's also whythe step work and 12 step work
so well, because there are acouple of steps that
specifically deal with that,where you review everything, any
kind of negative thoughtsyou've had.
When you share it with somebody, that really changes the
(24:57):
perspective and the narrative.
Same thing, but how I look atit is completely different.
But I want to relate that tothe idea in Buddhism of this is
usually not very appreciated ormisrepresented.
The anatta, which actually isrelated to atman, actually from
Hindu atman, as in well, I don'twant to get too technical Well,
(25:21):
anatta is the one, so anatta isthe absence of the one.
So I'm relating this to whatyou're saying about reframing is
that change can be a lot moredifficult if I take things so
personally.
So the idea of anatta is notthat, oh, I don't exist, but
it's more about like, don't takeit so personally.
(25:43):
So it helps me to embrace thechange more, because otherwise,
oh, why did this happen to me?
I'm this, I'm that, but it'smore like no, this happens to
everyone else too, and this ishappening to me.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Is it one way to say it?
The concept of selflessness ina healthy way?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Selflessness.
I guess that more translationis the absence of self, which
means to accept the illusion ofself.
So which is different fromselflessness?
I think it will be helpful touse an example.
Okay, so like I'm, thinkingabout when I moved here.
So, as an identity, I'm aBurmese person, I'm a son, I'm a
(26:29):
friend to my Burmese friendsfrom high school.
You know these are allidentities and I can be so
attached to it.
And the more I'm attached to it, the more I will have
difficulty dealing with my lifehere, because I'm not embracing
change.
I'm still that identity, theatta, you know the self.
But the another version is that, no, that's part of the
(26:52):
evolution, part of the process,and there is no one identity
that I can or should associateto Fixly.
I'm not just a son, I'm notjust a friend, I'm not just a
Burmese citizen.
These are just multiple aspectsof different identities, which
also means that the idea that Ido have exists, but it's also
(27:12):
open for new possibilities andin that way oh, I'm an
international student here orwhatever that new identity comes
in at least creates room formore growth in me.
That's what I mean by that,yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
The way I'm taking it is understanding the fluid
nature of things.
It's going with the fluidnature of things where it takes
us and not clinging ontosomething that can create
resistance.
Yeah, I like that, Gosh.
It makes me want to go downthat and understand.
Is anatta?
Is it something to strive for?
(27:50):
How would you describe tryingto wrap my head around this?
Something to be revealed to you?
Trying to be fluid, Somethingto observe?
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, but yeah, it's just a concept, okay, it's just
one of the natures of things, Iguess.
Okay, it's not something thatwe look for, but something that
comes to your consciousness, ina way, the more you really
observe into the nature ofthings.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Kind of like our episode on expanded awareness as
opposed to contracted awarenessyeah, good.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
You can check that episode too, if you'd like.
Okay, let's keep going.
Create some comfort.
How about that?
Create some comfort in our life, especially some healthy
comfort.
Incorporate some stressrelieving and enjoyable
activities in your day, whetherit's relaxing, music, meditate,
gym, take a warm bath whateverit is for that self care that
(28:49):
can be comforting in a healthyway.
Avoid quiet, troubling emotionswith unhealthy behaviors such
as smoking, drinking, gambling.
A lot of people go toco-dependency and don't be
afraid to ask for help.
So create some healthy comfortsin your life.
When it comes to changes, Ialways say one of my biggest
philosophies in why people go totherapy everybody copes.
(29:11):
We're either going to cope in ahealthier and unhealthy way,
and one reason I see a lot ofpeople in therapy is they don't
know how to change with thechange.
Inevitably they have to changeand then they wind up coping in
an unhealthy way and they don'tknow how to one cope in a
healthy way and deal with theoriginal change in the first
place.
So create some healthy comforts, some healthy coping skills.
(29:33):
Especially if you can planahead, you're more likely to do
some healthy coping skills.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, that's very important.
I kind of related to what youshared about time of reflection
too, because, yeah, likeself-care, what do I enjoy in my
life?
You know, what do I, what, whatexcites me, what makes me feel
authentic, kind of like hobbiesand things that I do enjoy doing
.
And I might be butchering it,but I have a friend that I talk
(30:04):
to regularly.
He always talks about becausein 12-star community there is
higher power wanting us to behappy, joyous and free, and he
always break that down into very, very specific.
And the way he breaks downabout happy is that apparently
it comes from a Europeanlanguage or in one of the
European language, hop.
It means to comfort.
(30:24):
So like to be happy is to be tohave that comfort feeling of
being quilted, you know, by awarm blanket.
So it makes me think of that,about when you say create
comfort, is that?
Do I enjoy drinking hotchocolate in front of a
fireplace during the winter?
Or do I enjoy listening tomusic?
(30:46):
You know, whatever, it is thatwhat makes me happy.
And then it's almost likecreating that protection and a
space where you're like, oh,change is happening.
But also there are things I doenjoy.
It's more like a quality timewith yourself, so I like that a
lot and that did help me a lottoo in my life.
When I go through major changes, it's so important to okay what
(31:09):
are the things that I do enjoyto be present in the moment.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
I'm an optimist, but a realist.
And there's been times in mylife where I had very stressful
situations and the way I'vecomfort myself is a pint of Ben
and Jerry's ice cream, and thatmight have gone to day two or
even day three, but then I haveto get to a point.
Okay, I sat in this, Iexperienced the sadness and the
grief and loss, and that may notbe gone, but I now need to
(31:35):
comfort myself in other,healthier ways.
So I'm not too hard on myself,but I can't continue that cycle.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
Fair, definitely yeah .
Speaker 1 (31:45):
I don't want people thinking that we're holier than
they are, like we got this thingwhen lockdown.
Let's be real, and sometimesyou just need to vent to your
life coach or your therapist,and that's fine, too Good.
What else do you get, saul?
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah, these are all.
I'm really enjoying thisconversation.
What else do I have?
It's the concept of equanimity.
It's also a translation fromUpika Upika.
I guess the right translationis the evenness of the mind.
It's actually one of thetranslation is for sublime or
(32:22):
for divine abodes, which is oneof the components.
The first one is the lovingkindness and the last one is the
Upika, which is equanimity.
So that's also very helpful interms of change.
Is that not to be like numb andnot to be passive, but more of
like a evenness reaction?
(32:43):
You know, not to be more, notto be less, but like appropriate
evenness reaction to change,which is kind of, you know,
related to what we've beentalking about, about that
protection that I don't need tolose my identity, I don't need
to lose my integrity, but how doI respond to the change?
With evenness.
So what I mean by that is thatif I am a kind person, or if I'm
(33:07):
a creative person or whatever,the quality that I stay true to
when life challenges me, I don'tneed to get out of that way to
react to it, you know.
So, evenness of mind for me,equanimity is that.
How do I respond, fromintegrity, from the values that
I hold true to.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Yeah, having a balanced mind, dealing with the
life's fluctuations and I thinkmy example of ice cream is a
good example I can't allowmyself to completely go deep
into that suck and despair and agallon of ice cream.
I have to bring it back and Ihave to talk to people to deal
with that discomfort as well.
I have to find that balance.
(33:49):
Is that a fair way of lookingat it?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Good, yeah, I set that one up with Mike, ben and
Jerry's.
I'm not the only one.
A lot of these things are okay.
Like I said, where the energygoes, the energy flows.
One way to say it is count yourblessings.
Another way to say it is if youreceived a difficult diagnosis
(34:13):
or just out of a job, where dowe find the gratitude in that?
Where's this overlining?
How do we share our top threehighlights, or the positivity,
or the gratitude?
How do we find the light andlove and positivity in the dark
times?
Because if we can't find thatboy, it can be pretty grim and
(34:35):
bleak and pretty depressing andsad and suffering in a way that
we can just stay in the suck andit can be hard to get out of.
So gratitude, and if I don'thave it, how do I surround
myself with people that can pullme up until I can pull myself
up, that collectiveness, thatunity, that connection, that
(34:55):
support, because they might haveit when I don't?
I love the example of man.
If I don't have it, I need tobe inspired and people give me
spirit, people give me love andlight and they inspire me when I
need it most sometimes, andsometimes that I can reinforce
(35:16):
that through counting myblessings or gratitude less.
I've been doing that since abuddy of mine back in college
reached out through social media.
As anyone wants to do agratitude list, let me know.
I was like, yeah, sure, why not?
I know this is not going tohurt, it's only going to help me
, and it's been doing it sinceJanuary 1st and we're almost in
(35:40):
September and it's been amazinghow many times, whether it's him
on his end or my end, we've hada bad couple of days or just a
rough day, and then we get that,that text the other person
doing the gratitude and itinstantly makes me stop and I
have to reframe my thinking andgive a gratitude, something that
(36:00):
I'm grateful for.
And boy, I can't.
I think this gets downplayed ofhow significant having a
gratitude partner, a gratitudebuddy, to do so.
Listeners, if you think this is, this can help you find someone
a family member, a friend,someone you went to college with
(36:22):
, you haven't talked, whatever,whoever it is.
Do a gratitude check every day,whether it's the beginning of
the day or end of the day, andyou will notice a change,
because there's been times whereI've had dates, we've had a
year, a lot of stressful thingshappen in a year where I get
that text and I go and Iinstantly have to re-change my
thinking.
And then I do so and it's likewow, looking back it goes that
(36:46):
really helped.
So gratitude, gratitude lists,a gratitude accountability
partner is a wonderful way todeal with any kind of change or
stress in your life.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Yeah, that's a very good point that you're
emphasizing especially the partabout the sense of community,
sense of sharing and listeninggratitude lists, because I've
noticed that notice thedifference how I can make a
gratitude list on my own asopposed to sharing it somebody
or listening to somebody else'sgratitude list, because it's not
(37:20):
about the words, it's not aboutthe thought, but it's about the
spirit and the energy behind athought.
So, like, because you knowgratitude lists can be so
mechanical and mundane, right,you know, because you're just,
oh, yeah, I'm just gonna list athing, but like it's not really
about the list, it's about thefeeling that is generated.
Even if it's so, if I stay trueto that's the thing that I get.
(37:41):
Graduality is contagious.
I think I want to put it thatway Like when you see somebody
who's grateful, somebody who'slike made a gratitude list with
meaning, like you can just feelit the way he says it, and then
you can imitate it in my ownlife.
Like I am grateful that I havea bed to sleep At tonight, you
know warmth and shelter, butthen I can say it in a very
(38:04):
Non-feeling way yeah, I'mgrateful, but then, like, if I
really stay true to the meaningbehind it and it's just a
feeling that is generated, yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
And I recommend every parent out there to start doing
one thing at night before aspart of your nighttime routine
with your kids, one thing you'regrateful for.
And it is awesome, awesome tohear your, your kids, no matter
how old they are, and you'reputting them to bed and and then
eventually they start going ohwe got to do something we're
(38:35):
grateful for.
It just changes the tone, theenergy.
It's an awesome part of theroutine, nighttime routine.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
So it's great, that's awesome.
Yeah, because, you know, partof the uncomfortable and the
pain and the suffering that Iexperienced from change is not
knowing what's happening, likenot knowing what the purpose is.
But if I stay true to gratitude, it's a feeling of I'm being
taken care of.
You know, I don't see thebigger picture, but I am being
(39:01):
shaped into that bigger pictureand I'm okay without seeing it
because I cannot see.
I would rather not see itbecause it's always like a
pleasant surprise, you know,because you will go through a
really sudden turn in your lifeand you're like, why is this
happening?
But then later you realize, oh,wow, that's how life Shaved me
to be who I am today.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
You know and I'm just piggybacking off what you're
saying but to be eventuallygrateful for the changes that we
don't want in our life, to see,the positivity or the growth
that comes from darkness that wehave the ability to go through,
that's a powerful skill to havein life, or Maybe it's not
(39:42):
skill or opportunity.
We called it in a previousepisode that every problem has a
solution and whether it's aspiritual solution or a A
positive change, even in thenegative, that's amazing.
We talked we.
I'll just highlight some of theother episodes that we
highlighted this in theforgiveness episode.
(40:04):
You know, how do you forgivesomeone that has unbelievably
hurt you?
How do you deal with thatchange?
It is hard.
So we've, we've touched uponthis in a bunch of our episodes
and it's what you're saying.
It's just so powerful that evenin the darkness and the, the,
the justifiable Wrongs that man,there can be a positive silver
(40:28):
lining in that Gratitude even.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
Such a powerful concept.
Yeah, gratitude and action.
Do you have any more on yourlist?
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Maybe we should Close with one of yours, maybe the
love and kindness, how that can.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah, we can end with that too, but I do.
There's another thought that Iwant to end with, actually, uh,
I don't know if it's Buddhistrelated, but I'm just reflecting
on my own life about howimportant.
I don't know how this will landwith the listeners, but
Whenever change happens, themost important thing is to find
(41:09):
my authentic self.
I don't know how that conceptlands with people who are
listening, but, uh, I don'tthink it violates any religion.
Like people who believe in God,who doesn't believe, it doesn't
even matter.
Like connecting with who youtruly are.
It can be an idea of God, itcan be anything For me, like
change is an opportunity forthat to look within, you know,
(41:32):
to look like oh, why am I here?
You know, um, not in like adepressive way, why am I here?
But it's more like why am I,what's my, what's the most, my
purpose?
And it's not something that isto be created, it's not
something that I need to invent,but it's something that's
already within me and it comesout and it gets revealed when we
go through challenges.
I just wanted to end on thatnote because, um, with or
(41:55):
without my permission, I havethis like muscle memory every
time I go through somethingdifficult, you know, and there
is always a theme which is,which has more to do with the
Buddhist chanting, and I don'tknow if I heard this story I
don't remember exactly when Iheard it, but it's been staying
with me is that my, my motherworked for the government Back
(42:16):
in Burma and she was a nurse,and then, back then, there was a
civil war going on and my momgrew up in a rural area, very
Buddhist place, and then, but,she got sent to a northern part
of the country when there'sethnic minorities and there's a
civil war going on, and sheworked for the government
hospital, and then there was araid one day the rebels came and
(42:37):
I shot everybody, and then toget the medicine from the
hospital and she was very scaredand she was like hiding under a
table and then in that momentshe recited the Buddhist chant
that her mother taught her andfor some reason those rebels did
not see her and she made out ofthat alive.
You know, and for me, like thatstory always sticks with me and
(42:59):
I memorized those and I say thatevery time.
I even remember, uh yeah, whenI finished high school or exam,
or when I was applying for avisa which was very difficult to
get a visa to come here, but Iused those.
And then when I had to leave,or you know, like there's that
theme, you know, which is trueto me, but it doesn't have to be
(43:20):
exactly that, but like Onething that speaks to you and to
use that Regularly and it getsrevealed to you, which I think
is the authentic self that istrying to reveal itself to you.
So I want to do that kind of along-winded Story, but I wanted
to end on that note and changedcan be growth can be, healing
can be spiritual.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
What a powerful story .
Thank you for that.
Well, as we conclude thisenlightening episode on
navigating change, remember thatchange isn't a foe to be feared
, but a companion to be embraced.
Whether you're approaching itthrough the lens of psychology
or the wisdom of TheravadaBuddhism, the essence remains
the same changes an integralpart of our human journey.
(44:04):
In a world brimming withtransitions, we hold within us
the power to adapt, transformand thrive.
From the therapist toolkit tothe profound teachings of
Theravada Buddhism, we uncoveredan array of strategies to blow,
array of strategies to bolsterour resilience, foster
mindfulness and embrace changewith open arms.
(44:26):
Embrace change not as anadversary but as an opportunity
to grow, to learn and to unfoldnew chapters of your story.
Draw strength from within,harness the wisdom of ancient
philosophies and remember thatyou are equipped to meet life's
changes with grace and courage.
Thank you for joining us inthis exploration.
Until next time, may yourjourney through change be marked
(44:48):
by resilience, wisdom andunwavering spirit.
My name is Luke.
This is all.
See you next time.
Welcome to another episode of A Therapist of
Buddhist and you, where we delveinto a collective solution for
all things health and wellness.
Today, we're venturing into atopic that affects each of us in
profound ways Change.
Change isn't just a part oflife.
It's life's heartbeat, therhythm that shapes our
experiences and journeys.
After we're embracing newopportunities, navigating
(00:30):
unexpected twists, we're seekingways to stay grounded amidst
the whirlwind of change.
This episode offers insightsand techniques from both
psychological and Buddhistperspectives.
So if you're intrigued by theart of adapting the wisdom of
ancient philosophies and thepower to weave resilience into
your narrative, then stay withus as we uncover the keys to
(00:52):
flourishing amidst the life'stransformations.
Any life is a life of change.
We experience transitions inwork and relationships, changes
in our physical and mentalhealth, and new events in our
local communities and our world.
Sometimes we know a change willoccur, while other times it
comes suddenly and unexpectedly.
Maybe it's a disappointment, ormaybe it's a wonderful surprise
(01:14):
.
Many people spend great deal oftime and energy trying to avoid
change, but it will inevitablycatch up to them.
If you can learn to cope withchange, you'll lower your risk
for anxiety and depression, yourrelationships will flourish and
your body will feel healthier,but if you can't cope with
change, only a minor amount ofstress can make you feel
(01:34):
overwhelmed by life.
You might also struggle to setand meet the goals you have for
yourself.
Being able to cope with changeis sometimes called resilience.
Though your environment andgenes might influence your level
of resilience, the amount isn'tset in stone.
Practicing different ways ofthinking and being in the world
can boost your ability to dealwith change and help you create
(01:56):
a life that is adaptive to newplaces and unexpected events.
So let's take a look at a fewhealthy practices for increasing
your level of resilience andcoping with change.
What do you think, zao?
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Yeah, that's a deep topic.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
It's an inevitable one until it changes again.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, as you were introducing the topic, it makes
me reflect on my own life, howchange has always been part of
it, but also uncomfortable, butat the same time, very rewarding
and satisfying and meaningful.
It makes life a lot moremeaningful.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah, I think this one jumps out to me when we were
talking about topics this week,because I feel like we're in a
season of change.
It's time for kids to go backto school.
Late summer is going to slowlyturn into fall and I think we're
all looking forward to that, asit's been dreadfully hot and
(02:55):
humid this summer.
So, yeah, I feel like change isappropriate for this time of
season in our life and as thingschange around us.
Speaker 2 (03:07):
Yeah, it's some form of nostalgia for me, because I
was just talking to a friend toowhen I first came to the US.
This is the time of the yearbecause it's the beginning of an
academic year, incomingfreshman that was 2009.
So this always brings back thatidea, because that was a sudden
change for me to move here asan international student and
(03:29):
then being in college.
So it really encapsulates theidea of change.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Besides recovery, for you, was this change to hear
one of the biggest changes inyour life.
That jumps out at you as wow,what a big change.
What a big change that was.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, I can't imagine .
Yeah, it's a huge change.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Yeah.
So let's talk about thisbecause, yeah, this is going to
be very useful for the listenerstoo, because we'll be focusing
more on coping or tools that weuse to deal with change because
that's really what makes usstronger and also some form of
character development to changereally shake you, but to make
(04:13):
you to be more authenticallyreal.
When life shakes you, that'syour true self comes out.
Otherwise we won't survive,right.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Sometimes change does shake us, and we've touched on
change throughout our episode,so I wanted to highlight and
give it its own episode, becauseit's something we do touch upon
a lot in terms of a collectivesolution to health and wellness.
So, like you said, why don't wego back, from the lens of a
therapist myself, thepsychological therapy viewpoint
(04:43):
and coping skills with change,and then we'll get an example
for you from the Buddhistperspective?
Sound good.
Yeah, sounds good, all right.
I'm giving you guys copingskills or things to think of
when it comes to dealing withchange in a healthy way, and the
first one I'll give you is planahead.
Seems pretty simple, but if youknow changes on the horizon, do
(05:05):
some prep work.
Think about what you might dowhen an elderly parent falls ill
or if your company has beenthrough recent layoffs.
Consider how you'll navigatethat change.
Change is less stressful whenyou have a contingency plan.
The example I often give myclients is it's almost like
(05:29):
seeing a slow moving car crashin slow motion and you see it
coming, or you see your littleone running and you know that
they're going to fall.
And how can you plan ahead anddo some prep work with the
inevitable change that you knowis in seas coming?
Plan ahead if you can.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Yeah, that is again.
It makes me think about cominghere for studies.
I've never been here, but I didall the preparation, which was
better than nothing.
Learning how to speak English,that was pretty useful.
Or bringing some photos with meor some recipe, so we can.
(06:11):
Yeah, changes inevitable, butthere are also some changes that
are right around the cornerwhere either you've experienced
or you've experienced somethingsimilar.
So, yeah, that's a really goodadvice because it also promotes
some kind of self-esteem andself-respect as well, that if
you're late In that somethinggonna change hits you and you're
(06:32):
not prepared, but if it'ssomething that you already know
what's gonna happen, it's like aWay of self-care to prepare
ahead of time.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
It makes it more bearable.
We have four seasons inMaryland.
I prepare because, even thoughI Do a lot of things in summer
that I enjoy well in winter, Iwant to deal with that change
and I I Get my winter clothesout, I buy firewood so I can
enjoy the fireplace and enjoybeing cooped up inside a little
(07:00):
bit more during the winter.
I prepare for the change ahead.
If I know that there may be Ican't speak to this one, but a
layoff well, a lot.
I recommend to a lot of peoplethat if they fear that they're
going to get fired for their job, would you like to start
looking for a job before you doget laid off?
It's planning ahead.
(07:21):
It makes that that potentialdramatic shift more bearable.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Yeah, and this is extremely true for People who
believe in God, or even if it'sGod of your understanding I've
seen this a lot in recovery thatthat does the simple believe is
that you're being taken care of, you know, so you'll be given
all the tools necessary to dealwith any kind of change, which I
think is very different fromclinging on to something to be
(07:51):
exactly the same way.
So like I think it's also a verysubtle difference, but very
important that the way I like tolook at it from a Buddhist
perspective is that If I havefound a purpose in life and I,
if I stay true to it so, forexample, I have a job and I get
paid by it but then if I'm gonnalose that job, my fear is that,
(08:13):
oh, how am I gonna make money?
But if I think about it fromthe theme the purpose like why
do I even work?
Is to provide service so likeif I just stay true to that idea
, I will be given another job.
It's not like my service isgone.
You know the job is gone, butthat purpose, the theme of why I
do what I do, is still there.
(08:34):
So like that really helps withthat planning ahead that I am
losing something, but there'sstill purpose behind it.
And then higher power, orwhatever your understanding,
we'll meet that you know, yeah,and this can be used for
Anything.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
We don't have to quote-unquote, make assumptions,
but there's been enough timesin my life where I've collected
enough data that there's peoplethat I've worked with that I can
assume that they're going tocreate a discomfort or a change
in my life and with that data Ican plan ahead.
I don't have to makeassumptions.
I can.
I can make the appropriateboundaries or communication so
(09:14):
that way I don't have to feelthe wreckage of this other
person's Lifestyle that affectsme directly.
That's happens in relationships, that happens with a big move
from a different country, thathappens with a change of season.
Yeah right now I'm literallytrying to, as school starts for
my my little one.
(09:36):
She's going to preschool forthe first time is going to be a
big change for us as parents,but also for her.
So we're spending this wholeweekend making a plan.
We showed her the pictures ofwhat her classrooms going to be.
We're trying to Set up theconditions for her to get
excited.
In what she already is, she'sin it.
Well, we can forward, think andand know how can we make this
(10:00):
transition easier for her, andPart of the things that I'm
doing is I'm taking my daughterto the school to make the change
for my wife a little easier.
There's crying in tears and allthat stuff, but we're planning
ahead.
We're talking about it.
We're talking about theexciting things that she's going
to learn in school for thefirst time.
So we're it's a change for us,but it's a huge change for for
(10:22):
her.
She's a Kobe baby, so this is awhole new thing.
We're planning ahead.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, it's kind of a cliche thing to say, but I'm
gonna say it anyway is that youhave everything you need in you
to deal with this change.
You know what I mean by that isthat.
You know, of course, inBuddhism there is that idea,
anisa, which is usuallytranslated as impermanence, that
everything is changing.
You know that's the only yeah,that is true for everything
(10:49):
impermanence.
Things are transient.
But what is also true about thatis that if you reflect on your
own life right now, that's as aresult of change and you've
already acclimated to it.
Like we did not get to where weare now, like without any kind
of change, so like it's always aseries of change that has
already happened.
Which also where Buddhism andGod Center kind of philosophy
(11:13):
kind of deviates from each otheris that In a God Center
philosophy there's a cause ofeverything things were created
but in Buddhism, you know,there's no costless cause,
there's no unmoved mover, soit's just a series of change
that has occurred infinitelysince, I guess, infinitely,
(11:33):
meaning there is no beginning.
So but if we think about thatlike change Is that's gonna
happen, change that is happening, we already have everything
that we need because our brainAcclimates to any kind of change
eventually.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yeah, I know that's the coping skill that you're,
you're leading us off with isyou pronounce it Anissa which is
impermanence, embracing andteaching that impermanence and
Normalizing it.
I think obviously Buddhism doesa wonderful job with that, but
a lot of times, you know, in myworld I like, I don't like
(12:09):
change.
I want my comfort factors andand my cozy patterns and rituals
and all of a sudden, lifecreates changes, season creates
changes.
But to your point, embracingand teaching impermanence that
we say it all the time.
We might have already said inthis episode changes inevitable.
Misery is optional.
Getting used, and normalizingand embracing, whereas it's
(12:34):
pronounced Anissa, impermanenceis one way to deal with change.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yeah, I don't know if this is related to another item
on your list in terms of tools,but what makes me think of as
an advice or kind of likereflecting on my own experience
whenever I deal with change, isthat again, we've talked about
this like the human connection.
I mean, if I think aboutimpermanence, it's kind of
(13:00):
really sad.
Right, my parents are gonna dieone day, you know I'm gonna
have to leave my children oneday like these are all very sad,
but at the same time, if Ireally I like the word you use
of embracing the impermanence,accepting that this is part of
life, it really makes meappreciate life, that the
relationships that I do stillhave with my parents although
(13:21):
they're going to pass one day,but the moment that I have with
them right now is so preciousand same with my children like
anything.
So for me, that's the flip sideof the sadness.
It is true that things areimpermanent, but it makes
everything we do have right inthis moment so meaningful and
rich and precious.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Things.
One of the principles of hereat the Recovery Collective that
you don't have to do thingsalone, whether it's with
facilitators and practitionersor other like-minded people
going through what you're goingthrough and that's true with any
form of change, whether it'sour family members, our support
group that when we connectthrough that change it makes it
(14:01):
more bearable whether thatperson is going through the
change with us or that'ssomething that isn't changing in
our life that we can be gettingthat connectedness and that
collective support with thechange.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Yeah, I like to connect that with meditation
practice as well, because it istrue that everything is changing
, but also there is a place.
I guess in Buddhist term it's arefuge, that, a place that you
go for safety.
I mean life is full of change,but it doesn't mean we need to
live passively that oh,everything is changing, why do I
(14:35):
even care?
But there has to be that corerefuge or belief like what do I
live for, kind of a thing.
So that really makes life a lotmore meaningful too.
So for me, meditation does giveme that grounding experience.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
And are you in that meditation?
Is that what you're focusing on?
Like I'm thinking of ameta-love and kindness
meditation.
So what's the meditation thatyou would do when it comes to
change?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It's not the theme of the meditation, but the
practice itself.
That makes sense.
It's more like a checkpoint orlike a check-in point.
So if I structure my day, Iguess refuge is a good symbol of
what it means.
I go and take safety and that'swhere the stability is and I
(15:26):
live out of that.
But the example that I've heardof is the Buddhist monk was
saying something about use asymbol of pyramids and when you
meditate, meditate like apyramid.
What he means by that is thatpyramids don't fall, it's just
stable.
(15:47):
It's very grounding, but alsoit's something that you can
embody, which means that I cango sit.
But then if I embody thatposture, it's something, some
kind of foundation that I'vealready created for years and
years.
So when I go in and sit in thatsymbol, embody that.
It can be two minutes, threeminutes, but you get tapped
right back into it and it givesyou that stability and the
(16:10):
refuge that we need whenever wego through change.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
So I'll give you my lens through the Buddhist
perspective.
Coping skill of meditationwould be in the meditation
practice Remindfulness practice.
Observe the change withoutattachment, which ultimately can
reduce the suffering.
You're observing the change.
You're just acknowledging itfor what it is.
(16:37):
You're noticing the suffering.
My perspective that that's agreat, wonderful thing, but I
would also recommend take timeto reflect what I mean by that.
If there's a change, there's agrief process.
With a lot of change, you'remissing or you're losing
(16:58):
something.
When we change, we aren't thesame.
The thing that we liked or did,or a part of, or that we're
losing is now gone.
I need to acknowledge, or Iwould benefit from acknowledging
, that emotion, being mindful ofit, was the form of suffering.
For example, we've got Jan-Pakschedules.
(17:18):
Most people don't take time tomourn what they're losing before
diving into something new.
Rather than numb feelings ofsadness with new distractions,
give your thoughts a voice.
Give your thoughts and emotionsa feeling.
Write in a journal, talk withit to a trusted friend, make an
appointment with a therapist.
We might even consider honoringthe loss, even if it's a job
(17:43):
that you don't like or a toxicrelationship that was abusive.
I often help people in thosesituations where they're
frustrated because they're inthis grief and they go.
Man, this wasn't healthy, butI'm still sad.
It's okay.
Actually honor that,acknowledge that, yes, maybe
it's 50%, 60%, 95% of thatrelationship.
(18:05):
That job was toxic.
However, there was this piecethat maybe there was this silver
lining that you did learn, thatyou did grow from it, that it
wasn't all bad.
Let's not ignore that part andtake time to reflect on that.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Yeah, wow.
That's a very important pieceabout grieving the loss morning.
It also makes me think of theidea of acceptance that the
sadness and the regret comesfrom oh, I could have done
better, or why isn't this wayanymore?
What you're saying aboutgrieving is that recognizing
(18:43):
those feelings but, at the sametime, realizing the fact that
everybody did the best theycould, which also brings back to
the present moment tooEverybody's doing their best
they can in this moment, withall the information they have.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Here's the beauty If you didn't feel that you did the
best, you could make thatchange.
You can now do the best you canin your current situation.
You can change that for thebetter.
You can't change the past.
You can change the present andthe future.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
On that note, I do want to ask you a question, for
myself and for the listeners too.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
He just got in his seat groove, so he's really got
a question.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
That's the thing about the grief thing.
The rural thumb for many peopleis like yeah, let it go.
Why are you still even thinkingabout it?
I don't think that's a very,very sound advice because, like
you said, I need to give voiceto that sadness.
Is there a healthier or moreproductive way of dealing with
(19:47):
those?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Gosh, we could do and I think we will.
I've got someone in mind tojoin us.
Our culture America sucks withgrief.
We suck at grief, we suck atloss, we suck at death.
We suck at grieving becausewhat do we often see or do?
We're uncomfortable with it, weavoid it, we get busy when
(20:11):
someone asks how things aregoing.
Oh, I'm sorry for a loss, orit's better off this way and in
half of it's an insult theydon't know it's.
We suck at it as opposed toembracing it and feeling it and
going through the grief processand through the sadness, as
opposed to avoiding it and goingaround it.
So, embrace it, like you said,embrace the suffering or the
(20:35):
mindfulness that comes with it.
Embrace the emotions and allowyourself to be with it, because
that is a normal feeling whensomeone passes or dies or
there's a change in your lifethat's worth grieving over.
Go through it.
Now, some people hold on to itand that's a whole other thing
(20:55):
that maybe we'll do a wholeepisode on grief and loss and
how that can relate to healthand wellness and growth.
But yeah, go through it.
That's my very shortrecommendation or perspective on
it.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, I like that and I also like what you have
shared earlier too about, Iguess, collective but also
connection, that shining lighton it, talking about it with a
sense of community, especiallylike in recovery.
When we lose somebody which isquite common in recovery
communities, especially peopledealing with addiction there's
always a sense of honouring.
(21:28):
When you connect with otherpeople who are mutual friends,
we can really honour the lifethat they lived, which is a way
of grieving morning, but alsowith appreciation.
So I like that.
But also going back to themeditation practice and
mindfulness, is that what hasbeen useful for me?
(21:51):
Is that anything that is true,anything that is some kind of a
spiritual principle, anythingthat is true, is true in a small
scale and is true in a largescale as well.
So that's also what's been veryhelpful about meditation.
Is that this is also some formof a quotation from the Buddha
(22:12):
is that if I want to know thetrue nature of the universe,
everything is already withinthis phantom of body you know so
like that's also why I love thebody-breath-based meditation
that anything that I see in mybody during meditation practice
or in my thoughts, in mybreathing, everything that I'm
(22:34):
observing, is true in theuniverse, in my world, in my
life, in my moving from Burma tohere, in my marriage, in my
kids.
You know so, like there'ssomething very uniting and
unifying and empowering aboutthat, you know so.
That's also what I was tryingto say about how important the
meditation practice is, becausethings are being revealed to you
in silence and while you'reobserving, which gives you a
(22:57):
preparation that, oh, this ishow things are, this is the
nature of things.
So I'm not surprised when I seethat outside of me, just the
same thing, but differentversion.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
It's a beautiful way to go through it, as opposed to
avoiding it orcompartmentalizing and trying to
avoid it.
I'll say yeah, I'll give youanother one.
Reframe your thinking.
This is a very therapist of me,isn't it?
Figure out what's going on inyour mind when you're feeling
sad and break negative patterns.
Easier said than done, Iunderstand, but once you become
(23:31):
aware of your negative thoughts,you're better equipped to shift
them to emphasize the positive.
So, for example, instead of Idon't deserve this raise, tweak
that thought to well, I workedhard for this recognition and I
deserve it.
Another example of an oldperspective.
To reframe your thinking I'mlosing my routine and stability
(23:54):
because of this change.
Well, one way to reframe it isthis changes an opportunity to
embrace new experiences and growoutside my comfort zone.
Okay, another way to say thatis I have to do this change as
opposed to I get to do thischange.
It's where the energy flows.
(24:15):
The energy goes.
If I put energy towardsnegativity, well, that's what
I'm going to feel the stress,anxiety, resentment, frustration
, fear.
If my reframe thinking and theenergies toward positivity,
light, solution, I have a betterway of dealing with change.
I'm already.
My momentum is going in theright direction.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yeah, reframing, that's pretty much changing the
narrative and that's also whythe step work and 12 step work
so well, because there are acouple of steps that
specifically deal with that,where you review everything, any
kind of negative thoughtsyou've had.
When you share it with somebody, that really changes the
(24:57):
perspective and the narrative.
Same thing, but how I look atit is completely different.
But I want to relate that tothe idea in Buddhism of this is
usually not very appreciated ormisrepresented.
The anatta, which actually isrelated to atman, actually from
Hindu atman, as in well, I don'twant to get too technical Well,
(25:21):
anatta is the one, so anatta isthe absence of the one.
So I'm relating this to whatyou're saying about reframing is
that change can be a lot moredifficult if I take things so
personally.
So the idea of anatta is notthat, oh, I don't exist, but
it's more about like, don't takeit so personally.
(25:43):
So it helps me to embrace thechange more, because otherwise,
oh, why did this happen to me?
I'm this, I'm that, but it'smore like no, this happens to
everyone else too, and this ishappening to me.
Speaker 1 (25:56):
Is it one way to say it?
The concept of selflessness ina healthy way?
Speaker 2 (26:04):
Selflessness.
I guess that more translationis the absence of self, which
means to accept the illusion ofself.
So which is different fromselflessness?
I think it will be helpful touse an example.
Okay, so like I'm, thinkingabout when I moved here.
So, as an identity, I'm aBurmese person, I'm a son, I'm a
(26:29):
friend to my Burmese friendsfrom high school.
You know these are allidentities and I can be so
attached to it.
And the more I'm attached to it, the more I will have
difficulty dealing with my lifehere, because I'm not embracing
change.
I'm still that identity, theatta, you know the self.
But the another version is that, no, that's part of the
(26:52):
evolution, part of the process,and there is no one identity
that I can or should associateto Fixly.
I'm not just a son, I'm notjust a friend, I'm not just a
Burmese citizen.
These are just multiple aspectsof different identities, which
also means that the idea that Ido have exists, but it's also
(27:12):
open for new possibilities andin that way oh, I'm an
international student here orwhatever that new identity comes
in at least creates room formore growth in me.
That's what I mean by that,yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:29):
The way I'm taking it is understanding the fluid
nature of things.
It's going with the fluidnature of things where it takes
us and not clinging ontosomething that can create
resistance.
Yeah, I like that, Gosh.
It makes me want to go downthat and understand.
Is anatta?
Is it something to strive for?
(27:50):
How would you describe tryingto wrap my head around this?
Something to be revealed to you?
Trying to be fluid, Somethingto observe?
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yeah, but yeah, it's just a concept, okay, it's just
one of the natures of things, Iguess.
Okay, it's not something thatwe look for, but something that
comes to your consciousness, ina way, the more you really
observe into the nature ofthings.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Kind of like our episode on expanded awareness as
opposed to contracted awarenessyeah, good.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
You can check that episode too, if you'd like.
Okay, let's keep going.
Create some comfort.
How about that?
Create some comfort in our life, especially some healthy
comfort.
Incorporate some stressrelieving and enjoyable
activities in your day, whetherit's relaxing, music, meditate,
gym, take a warm bath whateverit is for that self care that
(28:49):
can be comforting in a healthyway.
Avoid quiet, troubling emotionswith unhealthy behaviors such
as smoking, drinking, gambling.
A lot of people go toco-dependency and don't be
afraid to ask for help.
So create some healthy comfortsin your life.
When it comes to changes, Ialways say one of my biggest
philosophies in why people go totherapy everybody copes.
(29:11):
We're either going to cope in ahealthier and unhealthy way,
and one reason I see a lot ofpeople in therapy is they don't
know how to change with thechange.
Inevitably they have to changeand then they wind up coping in
an unhealthy way and they don'tknow how to one cope in a
healthy way and deal with theoriginal change in the first
place.
So create some healthy comforts, some healthy coping skills.
(29:33):
Especially if you can planahead, you're more likely to do
some healthy coping skills.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, that's very important.
I kind of related to what youshared about time of reflection
too, because, yeah, likeself-care, what do I enjoy in my
life?
You know, what do I, what, whatexcites me, what makes me feel
authentic, kind of like hobbiesand things that I do enjoy doing
.
And I might be butchering it,but I have a friend that I talk
(30:04):
to regularly.
He always talks about becausein 12-star community there is
higher power wanting us to behappy, joyous and free, and he
always break that down into very, very specific.
And the way he breaks downabout happy is that apparently
it comes from a Europeanlanguage or in one of the
European language, hop.
It means to comfort.
(30:24):
So like to be happy is to be tohave that comfort feeling of
being quilted, you know, by awarm blanket.
So it makes me think of that,about when you say create
comfort, is that?
Do I enjoy drinking hotchocolate in front of a
fireplace during the winter?
Or do I enjoy listening tomusic?
(30:46):
You know, whatever, it is thatwhat makes me happy.
And then it's almost likecreating that protection and a
space where you're like, oh,change is happening.
But also there are things I doenjoy.
It's more like a quality timewith yourself, so I like that a
lot and that did help me a lottoo in my life.
When I go through major changes, it's so important to okay what
(31:09):
are the things that I do enjoyto be present in the moment.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
I'm an optimist, but a realist.
And there's been times in mylife where I had very stressful
situations and the way I'vecomfort myself is a pint of Ben
and Jerry's ice cream, and thatmight have gone to day two or
even day three, but then I haveto get to a point.
Okay, I sat in this, Iexperienced the sadness and the
grief and loss, and that may notbe gone, but I now need to
(31:35):
comfort myself in other,healthier ways.
So I'm not too hard on myself,but I can't continue that cycle.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
Fair, definitely yeah .
Speaker 1 (31:45):
I don't want people thinking that we're holier than
they are, like we got this thingwhen lockdown.
Let's be real, and sometimesyou just need to vent to your
life coach or your therapist,and that's fine, too Good.
What else do you get, saul?
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Yeah, these are all.
I'm really enjoying thisconversation.
What else do I have?
It's the concept of equanimity.
It's also a translation fromUpika Upika.
I guess the right translationis the evenness of the mind.
It's actually one of thetranslation is for sublime or
(32:22):
for divine abodes, which is oneof the components.
The first one is the lovingkindness and the last one is the
Upika, which is equanimity.
So that's also very helpful interms of change.
Is that not to be like numb andnot to be passive, but more of
like a evenness reaction?
(32:43):
You know, not to be more, notto be less, but like appropriate
evenness reaction to change,which is kind of, you know,
related to what we've beentalking about, about that
protection that I don't need tolose my identity, I don't need
to lose my integrity, but how doI respond to the change?
With evenness.
So what I mean by that is thatif I am a kind person, or if I'm
(33:07):
a creative person or whatever,the quality that I stay true to
when life challenges me, I don'tneed to get out of that way to
react to it, you know.
So, evenness of mind for me,equanimity is that.
How do I respond, fromintegrity, from the values that
I hold true to.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Yeah, having a balanced mind, dealing with the
life's fluctuations and I thinkmy example of ice cream is a
good example I can't allowmyself to completely go deep
into that suck and despair and agallon of ice cream.
I have to bring it back and Ihave to talk to people to deal
with that discomfort as well.
I have to find that balance.
(33:49):
Is that a fair way of lookingat it?
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
Good, yeah, I set that one up with Mike, ben and
Jerry's.
I'm not the only one.
A lot of these things are okay.
Like I said, where the energygoes, the energy flows.
One way to say it is count yourblessings.
Another way to say it is if youreceived a difficult diagnosis
(34:13):
or just out of a job, where dowe find the gratitude in that?
Where's this overlining?
How do we share our top threehighlights, or the positivity,
or the gratitude?
How do we find the light andlove and positivity in the dark
times?
Because if we can't find thatboy, it can be pretty grim and
(34:35):
bleak and pretty depressing andsad and suffering in a way that
we can just stay in the suck andit can be hard to get out of.
So gratitude, and if I don'thave it, how do I surround
myself with people that can pullme up until I can pull myself
up, that collectiveness, thatunity, that connection, that
(34:55):
support, because they might haveit when I don't?
I love the example of man.
If I don't have it, I need tobe inspired and people give me
spirit, people give me love andlight and they inspire me when I
need it most sometimes, andsometimes that I can reinforce
(35:16):
that through counting myblessings or gratitude less.
I've been doing that since abuddy of mine back in college
reached out through social media.
As anyone wants to do agratitude list, let me know.
I was like, yeah, sure, why not?
I know this is not going tohurt, it's only going to help me
, and it's been doing it sinceJanuary 1st and we're almost in
(35:40):
September and it's been amazinghow many times, whether it's him
on his end or my end, we've hada bad couple of days or just a
rough day, and then we get that,that text the other person
doing the gratitude and itinstantly makes me stop and I
have to reframe my thinking andgive a gratitude, something that
(36:00):
I'm grateful for.
And boy, I can't.
I think this gets downplayed ofhow significant having a
gratitude partner, a gratitudebuddy, to do so.
Listeners, if you think this is, this can help you find someone
a family member, a friend,someone you went to college with
(36:22):
, you haven't talked, whatever,whoever it is.
Do a gratitude check every day,whether it's the beginning of
the day or end of the day, andyou will notice a change,
because there's been times whereI've had dates, we've had a
year, a lot of stressful thingshappen in a year where I get
that text and I go and Iinstantly have to re-change my
thinking.
And then I do so and it's likewow, looking back it goes that
(36:46):
really helped.
So gratitude, gratitude lists,a gratitude accountability
partner is a wonderful way todeal with any kind of change or
stress in your life.
Speaker 2 (36:58):
Yeah, that's a very good point that you're
emphasizing especially the partabout the sense of community,
sense of sharing and listeninggratitude lists, because I've
noticed that notice thedifference how I can make a
gratitude list on my own asopposed to sharing it somebody
or listening to somebody else'sgratitude list, because it's not
(37:20):
about the words, it's not aboutthe thought, but it's about the
spirit and the energy behind athought.
So, like, because you knowgratitude lists can be so
mechanical and mundane, right,you know, because you're just,
oh, yeah, I'm just gonna list athing, but like it's not really
about the list, it's about thefeeling that is generated.
Even if it's so, if I stay trueto that's the thing that I get.
(37:41):
Graduality is contagious.
I think I want to put it thatway Like when you see somebody
who's grateful, somebody who'slike made a gratitude list with
meaning, like you can just feelit the way he says it, and then
you can imitate it in my ownlife.
Like I am grateful that I havea bed to sleep At tonight, you
know warmth and shelter, butthen I can say it in a very
(38:04):
Non-feeling way yeah, I'mgrateful, but then, like, if I
really stay true to the meaningbehind it and it's just a
feeling that is generated, yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:15):
And I recommend every parent out there to start doing
one thing at night before aspart of your nighttime routine
with your kids, one thing you'regrateful for.
And it is awesome, awesome tohear your, your kids, no matter
how old they are, and you'reputting them to bed and and then
eventually they start going ohwe got to do something we're
(38:35):
grateful for.
It just changes the tone, theenergy.
It's an awesome part of theroutine, nighttime routine.
Speaker 2 (38:41):
So it's great, that's awesome.
Yeah, because, you know, partof the uncomfortable and the
pain and the suffering that Iexperienced from change is not
knowing what's happening, likenot knowing what the purpose is.
But if I stay true to gratitude, it's a feeling of I'm being
taken care of.
You know, I don't see thebigger picture, but I am being
(39:01):
shaped into that bigger pictureand I'm okay without seeing it
because I cannot see.
I would rather not see itbecause it's always like a
pleasant surprise, you know,because you will go through a
really sudden turn in your lifeand you're like, why is this
happening?
But then later you realize, oh,wow, that's how life Shaved me
to be who I am today.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
You know and I'm just piggybacking off what you're
saying but to be eventuallygrateful for the changes that we
don't want in our life, to see,the positivity or the growth
that comes from darkness that wehave the ability to go through,
that's a powerful skill to havein life, or Maybe it's not
(39:42):
skill or opportunity.
We called it in a previousepisode that every problem has a
solution and whether it's aspiritual solution or a A
positive change, even in thenegative, that's amazing.
We talked we.
I'll just highlight some of theother episodes that we
highlighted this in theforgiveness episode.
(40:04):
You know, how do you forgivesomeone that has unbelievably
hurt you?
How do you deal with thatchange?
It is hard.
So we've, we've touched uponthis in a bunch of our episodes
and it's what you're saying.
It's just so powerful that evenin the darkness and the, the,
the justifiable Wrongs that man,there can be a positive silver
(40:28):
lining in that Gratitude even.
Speaker 2 (40:34):
Such a powerful concept.
Yeah, gratitude and action.
Do you have any more on yourlist?
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Maybe we should Close with one of yours, maybe the
love and kindness, how that can.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
Yeah, we can end with that too, but I do.
There's another thought that Iwant to end with, actually, uh,
I don't know if it's Buddhistrelated, but I'm just reflecting
on my own life about howimportant.
I don't know how this will landwith the listeners, but
Whenever change happens, themost important thing is to find
(41:09):
my authentic self.
I don't know how that conceptlands with people who are
listening, but, uh, I don'tthink it violates any religion.
Like people who believe in God,who doesn't believe, it doesn't
even matter.
Like connecting with who youtruly are.
It can be an idea of God, itcan be anything For me, like
change is an opportunity forthat to look within, you know,
(41:32):
to look like oh, why am I here?
You know, um, not in like adepressive way, why am I here?
But it's more like why am I,what's my, what's the most, my
purpose?
And it's not something that isto be created, it's not
something that I need to invent,but it's something that's
already within me and it comesout and it gets revealed when we
go through challenges.
I just wanted to end on thatnote because, um, with or
(41:55):
without my permission, I havethis like muscle memory every
time I go through somethingdifficult, you know, and there
is always a theme which is,which has more to do with the
Buddhist chanting, and I don'tknow if I heard this story I
don't remember exactly when Iheard it, but it's been staying
with me is that my, my motherworked for the government Back
(42:16):
in Burma and she was a nurse,and then, back then, there was a
civil war going on and my momgrew up in a rural area, very
Buddhist place, and then, but,she got sent to a northern part
of the country when there'sethnic minorities and there's a
civil war going on, and sheworked for the government
hospital, and then there was araid one day the rebels came and
(42:37):
I shot everybody, and then toget the medicine from the
hospital and she was very scaredand she was like hiding under a
table and then in that momentshe recited the Buddhist chant
that her mother taught her andfor some reason those rebels did
not see her and she made out ofthat alive.
You know, and for me, like thatstory always sticks with me and
(42:59):
I memorized those and I say thatevery time.
I even remember, uh yeah, whenI finished high school or exam,
or when I was applying for avisa which was very difficult to
get a visa to come here, but Iused those.
And then when I had to leave,or you know, like there's that
theme, you know, which is trueto me, but it doesn't have to be
(43:20):
exactly that, but like Onething that speaks to you and to
use that Regularly and it getsrevealed to you, which I think
is the authentic self that istrying to reveal itself to you.
So I want to do that kind of along-winded Story, but I wanted
to end on that note and changedcan be growth can be, healing
can be spiritual.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
What a powerful story .
Thank you for that.
Well, as we conclude thisenlightening episode on
navigating change, remember thatchange isn't a foe to be feared
, but a companion to be embraced.
Whether you're approaching itthrough the lens of psychology
or the wisdom of TheravadaBuddhism, the essence remains
the same changes an integralpart of our human journey.
(44:04):
In a world brimming withtransitions, we hold within us
the power to adapt, transformand thrive.
From the therapist toolkit tothe profound teachings of
Theravada Buddhism, we uncoveredan array of strategies to blow,
array of strategies to bolsterour resilience, foster
mindfulness and embrace changewith open arms.
(44:26):
Embrace change not as anadversary but as an opportunity
to grow, to learn and to unfoldnew chapters of your story.
Draw strength from within,harness the wisdom of ancient
philosophies and remember thatyou are equipped to meet life's
changes with grace and courage.
Thank you for joining us inthis exploration.
Until next time, may yourjourney through change be marked
(44:48):
by resilience, wisdom andunwavering spirit.
My name is Luke.
This is all.
See you next time.
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