Brick By Painful Brick

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What lies behind the walls we build around our hearts? Why do we sometimes push away the very connection we crave most deeply? This exploration of emotional barriers goes straight to the heart of a profound paradox in human relationships, revealing the silent tests we create for others.

The walls we build aren't always meant to keep people out—sometimes they're secret pleas to see who cares enough to break them down. These protective barriers manifest in various ways: emotional distance, testing boundaries, critical behavior, and self-sabotage. The reasons behind them run deep: fear of vulnerability (particularly challenging for men), past betrayals leaving emotional scars, testing others' sincerity, and fundamental issues with self-worth. When we don't believe we deserve connection, we unconsciously create obstacles that prove our negative beliefs.

For those facing someone else's walls, patience and discernment become essential skills. Not every barrier is a test—some represent genuine boundaries that deserve respect. The challenge lies in distinguishing between walls that mask yearning and boundaries that signal true limits. Direct, gentle communication, consistent care, and sincere effort can help navigate these complex emotional landscapes without becoming intrusive. True courage exists on both sides: in those willing to persist with empathy, and in those gradually dismantling their protective barriers brick by painful brick. Behind the most distant people often lies a heart desperately hoping someone will recognize their unspoken plea for meaningful connection.

Episode Transcript

Wes (00:01):
Welcome to the According to Wes podcast, where I delve into
the complexities of humanconnection, vulnerability and
the unspoken languages wesometimes use.
I'm your host, wes, and todaywe're exploring a profound and
often misunderstood aspect ofhuman behavior, encapsulated
perfectly by this quoteSometimes you put walls up not

(00:26):
to keep people out, but to seewho cares enough to break them
down.
This isn't just a quote from afamous philosopher or something
you find in an ancient text, butit resonates deeply with so
many of us because it touches ona raw, often vulnerable truth

(00:47):
about how we navigaterelationships and protect
ourselves.
It speaks to a subtle, almostunconscious test that we
sometimes impose on others, asilent plea for reassurance and
genuine connection.
Like, if you tell me you likesavory oatmeal or you don't wash

(01:11):
your legs in the shower, I'mnot gonna lie, I think I'm gonna
put up a wall.
Uh, that's just weird to me.
I'm afraid of, I'm afraid whatmight come next, because I'm
gonna.
But on a serious note, let's,let's unpack that idea.
What kind of walls are wetalking about?

(01:32):
We're not talking about the youknow the physical brick and
mortar, of course.
We're talking about emotionalwalls, behavioral barriers and
even subtle forms ofself-sabotage that create
distance and these walls canmanifest themselves in many ways

(01:54):
.
Like I was saying, creatingemotional distance.
You might become lesscommunicative, less willing to
share personal feelings orwithdraw from social
interactions.
Definitely done that Guiltythere, you know.

(02:15):
You test boundaries with people.
You might create subtle changesor challenges or appear aloof
to see if someone persists inreaching out.
Don't really do that too much.
If I'm aloof, I appear aloof tosee if someone persists in
reaching out.
Don't really do that too much.
If I'm aloof, I'm aloof, I wantto be left alone.
I don't.
I'm not seeing if you'rereaching out, but also pushing

(02:36):
people away.
Sometimes it's a self-protectivemechanism that inadvertently
creates a barrier, like beingoverly critical or seemingly
uninterested, or even when, evenwhen you crave it's a
connection, you're still pushingthose people away because you,

(02:57):
you want to see who, you want tosee who breaks through.
You're saying things, you'rebeing mean and you know that's
never good.
I've dealt with that and uh.
But I guess in saying all this,the the the real question is
why do we do this?

(03:17):
Why would we put up walls, evensubconsciously, when what we
truly crave is a connection?
However, like most things, theanswer may lie in our deepest
fears and desires.
A fear of vulnerability isprobably the biggest driver.

(03:46):
To truly connect with someone,we have to be vulnerable, we
have to open ourselves up to thepossibility of being hurt,
rejected or misunderstood, andthat's some scary ass shit.
Putting up a wall is a defensemechanism for all of us.

(04:09):
It's a way of saying I'm notgoing to let you get close
enough to hurt me, and as a man,I truly know what that's like.
I think all people know whatthat's like.
But it's a can't say, it'sanother.
You know, men and women havetheir uh, their uh, their issues

(04:31):
when it comes to the fear ofbeing vulnerable but, I guess
I'm here to say men.
Men have moments of feelingvulnerable too, or have a fear
of being vulnerable.
Let let's just put it that way.
So no, even if you are, ifyou've been hurt in the past,

(04:58):
whether through betrayal orabandonment or emotional pain,
those experiences can leavescars.
These scars often manifest asprotective walls.
You learn to guard your heart,not wanting to repeat painful
experiences.
The wall becomes a shield, evenif it prevents new, healthy
connections.
And also we put up walls totest sincerity.

(05:26):
This is where the who caresenough to break them down part
comes in.
Sometimes the wall is adesperate plea for reassurance,
if it's a way of asking do youtruly, are you willing to put
forth an effort?
Are you willing to put in theeffort?

(05:50):
I don't know why I'mtongue-tied today, but am I
worth fighting for?
When we feel insecure about ourvalue or whether someone's
affection is genuine, we mightunconsciously create a hurdle to
see if they'll jump over it.
It's a way of verifying thedepth of their commitment and

(06:11):
care.
It's also the self-worth issues.
If we don't believe we areworthy of love or deep
connection, we mightunconsciously push people away.
The wall becomes a reflectionof our internal belief that
they'll leave anyway.

(06:31):
So why bother getting close?
Or I'm not good enough for thiskind of relationship.
By creating a barrier, we'realmost proving our own negative
beliefs to ourselves.
Now for those on the other sideof the wall which we find

(07:04):
ourselves on from time to timesometimes we are the wall
builder, sometimes we are aperson trying to break down the
wall, the, however, the peoplewe encounter, the people with
these barriers.
It's a tricky situation becausethese walls aren't always you

(07:31):
know, they're not always obvious.
They can feel like rejection ordisinterest or even rudeness,
and if you encounter someone whoseems to be putting up a wall,
it's important to practiceempathy and discernment.
Not every wall is a test.
Some people are genuinely busy,genuinely overwhelmed or

(07:56):
dealing with their own struggles.
However, if you suspect it mightbe a subtle plea for a
connection, practice patiencewith them.
Don't immediately give up.

(08:19):
If you truly value the personor the relationship, a little
persistence and patience goes along way.
A gentle reach out or acontinued effort to connect can
go a long way.
This doesn't mean beingintrusive or overbearing, but
rather showing consistent,caring presence.

(08:42):
Another thing that might helpis direct communication.
Sometimes the kindest thing youcan do is gently address the
perceived distance.
For example hey, been quietlately, everything good, I'm
here if you want to talk, youknow.

(09:04):
At least that leaves the dooropen.
Also, be sincere when you sayit Don't sound like a robot,
don't sound like it's botheringyou that you have to say that to
them.
You know, for our friends thatdo go a lot or go through a lot,
or our family that do gothrough a lot, but you know,

(09:26):
during that process it's alsogood to you know, respect their
boundaries when they are firm.
It's it's it's it's crucial todistinguish between a wall
that's a test and a boundarythat's a firm no, between a wall
that's a test and a boundarythat's a firm no.
If someone consistently pushesyou away or explicitly states

(09:49):
they need space, then respectingthe boundary is vital.
Not every wall is meant to bebroken down especially if it's a
healthy boundary or forsomeone's well-being.
The quote implies a desire forthe wall to be broken down, not
a complete rejection.
And I ain't gonna lie, all thehusbands or, uh, that's

(10:13):
listening out there, it's, it's,it's, that's the, that's the
hardest part.
Uh, all that stuff that I justnamed because it's you know,
marriage is not easy get putthrough the ringer sometimes
trying to figure out if this isa boundary, or is this a test,
or is this a new boundary, or isthis boundary even gonna last,
which I guess is just a wall?

(10:34):
I don't know, relationshipswith people could be hard.
Um, hearing, just hearing myselftalk about all that had to side
note, geez.
But yeah, I guess that's wherethe self-reflection comes in,
that you know when they'reputting up their walls and stuff

(10:55):
like, uh, yeah, when they'reputting up their walls and stuff
like that's, uh, you can alsouse that as an opportunity to
reflect on your own approach tothe relationship, like, are you
truly showing up, are youlistening, are you making an
effort?
And maybe those, maybe thosewalls are now legit boundaries

(11:19):
where they're like, you knowwhat?
You don't listen to me, so I'mjust not even talking to you
about that, or we're not evengoing to approach that anymore
and maybe it's an actual, legitwall that they want to see you
break down because of past hurt.
Maybe the last motherfuckerain't listen to her, or you know

(11:40):
it's so many things to her, oryou know it's so many things.
Relationships are complex, youknow.
But At the core this quote,there lies a bittersweet irony.
Like we put up walls to protectourselves, no doubt, but in

(12:02):
doing so we also create a hurdlefor that very connection we
often desire.
It's a paradox of human emotion.
It's a.
It's a.
It's like a trick bag, it's.
And I think it also starts withjust being emotionally not
emotionally, of course, beingemotionally intelligent, but
being aware that this is anormal thing that humans do.

(12:26):
It is a defense mechanism.
I know I don't know anyone thatdoes not put up walls from time
to time and or boundaries.
It is what it is.
It is what it is.
But for those of us who findourselves building these walls,

(12:49):
either consciously orunconsciously, it's always
important that we reflect on whywe're doing it.
What fears are driving thisbehavior?
What past hurts are we tryingto avoid?
What kind of reassurance are weseeking?
Understanding the root cause isthe first step towards
dismantling these protectivebarriers when they are no longer

(13:10):
serving us.
True courage often lies in notbuilding higher walls in a slow,
deliberate process of loweringthem brick by brick.

(13:31):
Shout out to Franklin.
Saint brick by brick, brick bypainful brick, to allow genuine
connection to flourish.
And that is always the hardestpart being self-aware, changing
your actions.
What's driving it?

(13:53):
Is it a past fear?
Is it a past hurt?
Do I need some type ofreassurance or validation?
We're not perfect and for thosewho encounter these walls,
remember that behind them oftenlies a person yearning for a

(14:16):
connection, perhaps scared bypast experiences or desperately
hoping that someone would seepast the barrier and recognize
the vulnerable heart within.
It's a reminder thatrelationships require effort,

(14:36):
empathy and willingness tonavigate the unspoken
complexities of human emotion.
And willingness to navigate theunspoken complexities of human
emotion.
It's about looking beyond thesurface, recognizing that
sometimes the most distantpeople are the ones who need
connection the most.
Are we trying to tell peoplebut you know, I'm just talking,

(14:59):
yeah, but you know I'm just I'mjust talking.
So the next time you feel thatimpulse to pull away, consider

(15:20):
the possibility that it mightnot be a rejection, but rather a
quiet, anxious test, a plea tosee if you care enough to try
and understand, to persevere andto show them that they are
indeed who we're fighting for,because true connection isn't

(15:42):
always easy.
It often requires us to lookbeyond what's immediately
apparent, to show up withempathy and to sometimes gently
but persistently, help breakdown the invisible walls that
separate us.
That separate us.

(16:02):
Thank you for joining me today.
I hope this discussion withmyself and with you guys has
opened up new perspectives onhow to navigate relationships
with your loved ones and givemore perspective on the silent

(16:24):
messages we sometimes sendpeople.
Until next time.
Be kind to others and be kindto yourself.