February 3, 2025 • 48 mins
In this episode of the Active Action Podcast, I interviewed Byron and Margaret Mackey, a married couple for more than two decades, and host the “Beyond I Do” podcast. They talk about what really makes a marriage work, and how to nurture a loving, long-lasting relationship—highlighting how friendship, honest communication, and teamwork matter at every stage of a relationship. From dealing with early misunderstandings to co-parenting strategies and finding the right balance between personal goals and family life, Byron and Margaret share real-life tips on building (or keeping) a happy and healthy relationship.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why genuinely liking each other is the key to a strong marriage
- How talking through small issues prevents them from becoming big problems
- Simple ways to show patience and understanding, even with different backgrounds
- Tips for sharing responsibilities and support each other as parents
- How adapting to life’s ups and downs can help keep your bond strong
- Why little acts of kindness and spending time together can make a huge difference
- Easy tips on keeping your personal interests while still growing as a couple
- How to start small and then build up your automation once you see results
Be sure to check the webpage of Byron & Margaret at the Active Action Podcast Website to learn more about Clifton’s work, his foundation, and ways to connect with him.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're tuned into the active action podcast step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts
(00:06):
Where every episode is your chance to learn grow and stay inspired?
Welcome everyone to back again another episode of the active action podcast
I'm your host dr. Nazeeb with you and as always like in our podcast we inspire our
Audiences to stay active and take action and to take a little bit of inspiration from our wonderful guests that we have each week
(00:32):
Today the topic of our podcast is one of my very own favorite. Let me introduce our
Guest. Hello. Good morning, Byron and Margaret. How are you doing this morning? Good morning. Good morning. We're good
Thank you for having us
so dear audience today our topic is creating happy and healthy marriages and
(00:55):
We have today with us Byron and Margaret Mackey
So they are the host of the beyond I do
podcast
So before we delve into our conversations, can I kindly ask Byron and Margaret?
Can you kindly introduce yourself to our audience what you do a bit little bit of your background? Well
(01:16):
Margaret and I we were friends we met each other in
91
91
And we were friends for about
five to six years and in 97 her and I
Reunited we had five bitters at the same time
(01:37):
We reunited and started hanging around each other
Consistently all the time day in and day out
and
by the end of 97 we were married with a child on the way and
We started a family
And here it is 27 years later
(01:58):
In
2023
We launched our Beyond I do podcast
We decided to share
Got tired of seeing all the negativity that was online about marriage and
relationships and we wanted to share how we
Made it through the years and how we never get our our marriage
(02:21):
And that was the foundation of Beyond I do podcast
Like he said we we started out as friends when we were
Still in school. Yeah, and we maintain that friendship and
Regardless of distance or anything we would always well I went off to school
(02:42):
I would come home. I would make time to see him and that friendship became the basis of what eventually became our
Relationship and our marriage and just to relate I know bernard margaret
So you have been married for many years you have a lot of wealth of wisdom when it comes to
Relationship and what marriage actually means
(03:04):
Can I ask you like what do you think is the definition of a beautiful or wonderful marriage?
So we we believe in being a team
You have two people coming together as one and you function as a team
And we've we've learned and thankfully we learned pretty early in that we had to
(03:28):
Do what's best for us?
And so you get advice guidance what have you from family friends?
From resources like ourselves, but in the end you have to do what's best for you as a couple
And we function as a team our relationship sometimes comes before the individual
(03:53):
And we want to make sure that that relationship is
Is healthy and it's thriving and so sometimes that means that I have to stop
And I have to put my individual
Feelings to the side because maybe my individual goal doesn't meet the goal of our relationship
(04:13):
And so we we just focus on on that two becoming one and we focus as a team
I really like that idea margaret functioning as a team is I think really important and I think a relationship
Can move forward at or be you know, uh successful when each partner understands themselves
(04:37):
Or each partner understands the other as well and you know like having that team
Mindset to do everything to support each other and having that understanding. I think is really important
Can I ask you was there like a friendship involved? It was it like a friend kind of relation when you two met together?
Yes, it was definitely friendship
(04:59):
And it started out as it's funny
when I
Met
She has actually had a crush on me
My friends, so it was definitely friendship
It was funny because you know once
Once that didn't happen for her
(05:20):
We kept in contact with each other. It was just like, you know
She was the one that you know out of all the
He knows that I knew I felt comfortable being around her
Um, and it just seemed like every time we would uh throughout the years every time we would uh
Get in contact with each other. It was like, you know, we always picked up what we left off at
(05:41):
You know, it could be three four months at times
When we didn't have contact with each other. So, you know
It was definitely the friendship
The respect that we had for one another
And it was a really good relationship
Um the respect that we had for one another the communication that we had
(06:03):
Talk about each other's uh, you know catching up in each other's lives at that time, you know
Helping to guide each other. So that was definitely
Definitely a great foundation for us. We we tried to
When we were still in school, we tried to date and he messed up. Yeah, and so
(06:23):
He was downgraded back to friend
But throughout that time, um, we were friends we
Both had separate relationships. He he had a long-term relationship
And we just maintained that friendship
Um, and I think that that helped us
Like there's a mutual respect. There's a comfort there
(06:45):
And and that's what even still to this day we rely on that friendship
Um to help us maintain our bond
Thank you so much for like explaining that and how that relationship is of being, you know
Friends first, but getting to know better when time goes
And like to follow up that question. I wanted to ask you by the mark
(07:08):
What do you think the importance of friendship is in a marriage? Oh, well, we typically
I would uh believe is
uh friends over uh friendship
over love
You have to be friends in order to have a bond, you know
You think about friendships, uh with the same sex
(07:31):
Uh friendships, you know, that's the person you tell everything to
When you were a teenager, you know, you kind of confided in them, you know
Told all your secrets you share those
Intimate details about your life
And in order to uh have a sustainable relationship
It needs to be that in order to you know, understand where each other comes from
(07:54):
And so we we definitely believe in friendship over love
Love is important, but you know it comes to
To love it's like when you think about you have friends and family members that
You know, you don't want to
Love them, but you don't want to be around a long time
You know you have to like that person a lot because you're spending 24 or 7
(08:15):
The hours that you spend working that you are with that individual so
It has to be there. You definitely have to have to like the person that you're with
You should want to spend time with your with your significant other
And sometimes it's not always the same
And if you're with your significant other, you should spend time with your significant other
(08:40):
And sometimes that time
Is uh in
The romantic sense of the word but most of the time it's the day to day in and out life things
And like he said, you know if something exciting happens, he should be the first person that I want to call
To reach out to so we we stress you have to like your partner
(09:06):
Sometimes you you lose sight of that and there's a lot of pressure with
You have to keep the spark going and you have to have these date nights and sometimes that can be
Like it could cause a lot of pressure
But at the end of the day
You have to like the person that you've decided to spend your life with because that's the first thing
(09:28):
You've decided to spend your life with because that like is what makes it easier to wake up next to the same person
day in and day out
If there's a disagreement you think about that friendship and what you've created together
And okay, we need to figure out how to move past this
Because I don't want to lose my best friend. I can equal you
(09:51):
Um baron margaret because I feel like every relationship has their ups and downs and no relationship is kind of like
a straightforward thing
Just like when two people like get together
There might be of different backgrounds. They might have different mindsets thoughts those two people getting together
(10:12):
making that bond and
understanding how to live with one another how to
To support one another is a very very important even you know in in relationships
We have seen like in the first or second or even at the third or fourth year
There are you know disagreements there are things that doesn't like fall into place
(10:34):
At that time I think people make some really important or really like tough choices
Either to rethink if this is going to work out
Or also think or might think that okay. I have to make this work. So let me see what I can do
Let me see how I can support my partner to feel her what she can do
When do you think in in the early stage of a relationship when
(10:58):
The partners can have these kind of like conflicts or a bit of disagreements
How do you think it's a better way?
You know to keep a positive mindset at that time and to support one another
So um for us our backgrounds are very different
I grew up as the only child in a very chaotic environment. There was
(11:21):
abuse
and I I had some things that I
Did and react in reaction to that abuse as a teenager
And so he came from a blended family
He's the youngest of ten
he had mom and great father and um,
Just very different backgrounds. And so when we did finally get together
(11:47):
as a couple there were some things that
I I had to deal with that manifested in a way that made it seem like it was against him
I had an issue with physical touch I had
and
He he was gracious enough that he didn't take those things personal. He realized that
(12:09):
You know, there's some there's a reason for this and it's not me
and so it's so important that we have have grace and understanding for our partner and realize that
um
They may lash out towards me, but it's not at me. It's not about me
And I need to give this person space and then we need to figure out how to overcome this together
(12:35):
There's there is no me against you. It's you and I against whatever is challenging you or whatever is challenging me
And sometimes that's hard and especially in the midst of emotions
We've learned that sometimes we have to stop
And we will write each other letters or send each other text messages
(12:56):
So that both of us have time to process our thoughts and feelings without the emotions taking over
Um, I can
I can let my emotions get the best of all of us
If I let them so had to learn to just stop
And we respect that if we're in the middle of a conflict and and I say I need time to process or he says
(13:19):
I need time to process we respect that and we stop
You you and that's where the friendship comes in also is that you learn this individual
You learn their their ups and downs and you can sense that something is not right
And when you need to give space and then you respect that right?
and oftentimes when he is when it's communicated to
(13:41):
The other individual that you know, I had these issues happen in my past
And when you learn, okay. Well, it's not me. It's because of what happened in the past
It made me understand. Okay. Well
Now I have to give her that grace to let her know that you know
It does hurt but you know, I'm willing to sit here and help you through this help you through this uh time
(14:07):
So that you know
Uh, once we get through it and you know, we're able to stand strong but
Having that information does help so you're not just taking fix to saying well, all right, you know make up your mind
She doesn't love me. She doesn't care, but she don't want to touch me
I have to
(14:28):
Understand your your mate you understand that that's a traumatic reaction
Then you you learn eventually to not take it personal
I really I really think then that it's important to have patience and
Trust is a very important word
It's a matter of fact like how much you can do that in a in a relationship keep trusting and trusting
(14:51):
And you and ultimately I think at one time you will definitely see the result of that because it's
You know when two different people is like coming from different backgrounds
Trying to work each other and you know, you know
And trying to work each other it shows love, you know
It's not just like we have to say I love you or I like you in the mouth or but
(15:14):
Or by like words. It's just our actions speak for ourselves. I wanted to ask by on a question following up
Uh on your story you did mention margaret that at the very early stage, you know
There are some issues or maybe um, you know, there are some understandings that might not have been correct
But I wanted to ask byron at that time, you know, like ask men
(15:37):
What should I do like to you know cope up in my relationship?
And I know like even to the length of extent the say that I feel I feel I was betrayed
Or I felt i'm not getting the attention that I deserve men and women think like
Like differently in time to time. There are different there are different times in life, but baron
(15:57):
I just wanted to like ask a question as a man
What do you think in a very early stage the question I just asked earlier when you have an issue with you like
Partners or when you have these, you know trust or questions
How do you like keep yourself calm or you know cope with that situation?
And I would also like to ask that question to margaret as well in the perspective of a woman so that both of
(16:23):
My audience as male and female would get a perception of that
Well, I think first and foremost you have to uh
You know know that your partner is you know, you're taking two people and you're
you're merging two different lifestyles two different ways of
Of behaving in life
(16:44):
and you know one of the things that for the beginning for us is
We communicated a lot about our past and even though we were friends
um, we thought we knew
A lot about each other, but when we had that set up had that conversation
And talked about our expectations and we talked about our goals
(17:05):
And we talked about these things. Um
That helped me to understand that you know
Um, so when I when I felt like uh
There was trouble. I just said okay. Well
It's not me again. It's
Trump
So let me come to her and talk to her and say hey, you know
(17:27):
I just need to understand this from a perspective
um when you
rejected me
It hurt and I need to understand is that because you don't
Want me or is it because you know?
Is having those traumatic issues and when she was able to explain those things to me
(17:48):
It helped me to okay now I got to
You know, uh bring a bearish
Just deal with it and take it as it comes
and you know
us communicating that helped to
Kind of break a barrier whereas you say well
I'm not just going to just give in to to to them
(18:10):
Where you might just say okay. Well
Maybe half the time i'll do this for them even though I don't want to
Just to you know satisfy them
Just to you know satisfy them or or you know kind of meet in the middle so to speak
And that has helped us
Um break through some barriers and it's all about the communication
(18:32):
Just communicate your part how you feel how this made you feel and it was tough in the beginning
uh
Because you know you have ego ego gets in the way of
Who does she think she is? I'm me and this is who I am
And you know and then you get that ego out of the way
And you're learning that you're trying to
(18:53):
form, you know combined two entities
Then it's like okay. Well now I have to learn her
and and you know
We're constantly learning each other
Right, right. It's not like you know, I just I knew everything about her and
I don't have to learn anything else
You know, we're constantly learning each other because we're evolving and we're changing a lot of time
(19:13):
so I think that
One thing that like you said
You could have one thing happen and as a man he he interprets it one way as a woman
I interpret it completely different
and a lot of times
The problem is we don't come together and discuss that issue
(19:35):
And how we interpret it and realize that oh, okay different perspectives
And so one thing that we've learned is we have to sometimes be uncomfortable
So that we can understand each other's perspective
so
There have been times where
Um, he's he's very friendly. He's very outgoing
(19:58):
and he may
Say something to someone else that can be perceived as disrespectful to me
We may be out he may
um
Say something to the cashier or something that could be
perceived as disrespectful to his partner
and
As his partner I need to say, okay
(20:21):
I didn't I didn't particularly like how you said or what did you mean when you said that?
And for him to say oh, I didn't mean anything by it. I just said it and didn't think twice
So those types of things when when the first little seed is there
You have to dig that up before it it's you know
(20:42):
Puts its roots in and a lot of times very often its perception. We just perceive things differently
Like I said, he's friendly. He's
Extroverted he's outgoing
So he never meets a stranger and i've had to get used to that. I'm the opposite. I'm not
not extroverted I don't do small talk none of that so
(21:04):
The flip side of that is people perceive me as being you know mean or what have you
but
We understand each other and so if he's being super friendly
Um, I know that he's not flirting or anything like that
And then he knows if I give him a certain look
(21:25):
I'm not being mean or nasty. I've just hit my my people limit
And and i'm not people-y anymore or people friendly and we respect those differences in each other
So he's had his time to be out and about he sees i've given him the sign
Okay, it's time to leave because she's she's at her limit
(21:47):
Things like that. I think we just we don't
Understand that we see things totally different
And if we would just take the time in a non
um
judgmental
Way to listen to each other that it would solve so many of those little little things
(22:08):
Very wonderful words of wisdom bern and margaret. I
Really appreciate that and I I think my audience would appreciate that as well. I just want to like touch on
One different two different things margaret and bern you mentioned
one is that
bern you mentioned that we
Have to know our partner. We have to learn about our partner and learning is constant
(22:33):
It doesn't end, you know, even you know after leaving for
Even 20 30 years you get to learn new things about your partner one day or other
and I think these learnings actually like
Add to the thought or add to the whole new chapter, you know about your partner and each day you learn new things
(22:54):
And you like realize okay. This is a thing that my
Husband or wife likes this is a thing that he or she doesn't like so can I accommodate with that?
Or can I like make her understand if this is right or wrong?
What should I do? And even if you have that confusion just sit together and have a conversation
(23:14):
Sit together and have a talk and just getting on that margaret
You mentioned that we should not let tree get bigger
We should discuss something right at the seat and I think that is a very very important and a very
Crucial issue that many of our uh, many of the relationships the couple have is that they don't discuss
(23:36):
when
Someone is seeing that something is not going their way
Or there is a disagreement or even there is a perception that something is not being right
They kept like they kept quiet or they don't want to discuss that
And that actually, you know, um builds something there inside builds as a tension and that tension can come out
(23:57):
Somewhere else where it should not have come out when some for example when someone
It's a couple is having an argument some of those tensions might come out which might be a very simple or silly matter
Which which if we if that was discussed right at the beginning that would not be an issue
But that thing actually built on to the person itself
So I think having a clear communication and a clear understanding and even you know discussing small things is very important
(24:24):
And also when you know two people are living together or staying together
They have lots of time, right? They're like with one another
So if someone just says that I didn't have I didn't remember that or I didn't have
I didn't have to I didn't have time to discuss that. I think that's not a
That's not an excuse
Especially if you value your relationship if you value that other person
(24:49):
Right person is important to you. That matter should also be important. You don't keep any seed of confusion in yourself
I just wanted to like talk to you by the market a little bit about creating happy and healthy
Marriages that we know so from my experience I can see my mom and dad has been married for like nearly 50 years
(25:10):
So I so i've seen those family roots and things
Because I come from a background where families are really close with their kids and with their parents as well
So even though like now
My grandmother like lives with my mom and dad and my dad takes care of them
(25:31):
So there are like things that these are like very strong
Family values, but I wanted to ask you like you mentioned in the very beginning of the podcast
What's what's the definition of like a happy marriage?
Can I ask you like what does it take for someone you know to create a happy and healthy marriage?
What things that couple should remember? So the the first thing is that the couple is going to determine
(25:57):
um
As a couple what their their happy marriage looks like
And and then you stick to that
um
We we've had we were married at 22 and 23 years old. We were young
We we had no business
Being married and being parents that young
(26:18):
Um, but we made a decision
That we're going to get married. We're going to stay married
and as we've gone
gone through the years
we've had
family members friends church members
Give us advice or we've gone to them for advice for guidance
(26:40):
Especially being that young and then the two of us come together and we have to decide. Okay
What are we going to keep what are we going to change? What are we going to throw out?
and for us
um, and and we've continued that throughout
Throughout the time that we've been together we we decide what that looks like for us
(27:02):
and for some it it
May not fall in line with what they think it should be but the two of us are are happy
So that's first and foremost is that couple has to determine what that looks like
And then you you have to put in the work
Day in and day out to maintain that
(27:23):
um
We are comfortable around each other in each other's presence. We trust one another
Um, we love each other. We like each other
um, and
We we have um, I have confidence that he has my best interest at heart and vice versa
(27:45):
We we work to try and make things easier for the other partner
So all of those things for us are what make our marriage happy and healthy
You are listening to the active action podcast visit active action podcast.com to explore all episodes
Active action podcast where voices inspire and entertain. Yes
(28:08):
Um, I think you definitely have to be intentional
And that's my favorite word now
intentional about your marriage and you know
People tend to uh take their money and they look at it and they invest in
You know, I put a little money here. I'm investing in the stock or
I'm investing this venture
And uh, well, you don't just throw the money there and not look at it
(28:31):
You don't just throw the money there and not take it, you know
Watch it grow whatever so when you are investing in your relationship investment means listening
Listening to what your partner's saying
and uh
Going going on action like you know
They're they're you know, there's an adage in in relationships where
(28:54):
You know where you show up with flowers and candy and that'll just solve everything, you know
Well, when you know your partner your partner might not actually like flowers
Yes
Every woman in the world likes flowers. That doesn't mean that what gets her she she may like, you know, just a simple
um
(29:14):
um
Simple coordination might do her just fine just and and even if you know those times where you know
You're dealing with uh issues, you know, sometimes just surprise her with you know
It's just simple things, you know, she might like a certain candy bar
You know and you know, she doesn't get to the point where she stops by the store all the time
(29:36):
You know, I might just be on the balance say i'm gonna get her that candy bar because i'm just thinking about
And i'll just get the candy bar and place it on her workstation
And that's just let her know that i'm thinking about it. It's just sometimes it's still simple things
in life
You don't have to always think you know broad about these things, you know
Uh simple things for us is just sitting around and
(30:00):
Well
You know she has her crocheting. I do some
My music and stuff on my ipad. I'm sorry
I'm sorry, and uh, we'll just sit there and we like crime dramas. We'll sit there and watch, you know 2020
We'll catch up on our little shows and just being around each other
(30:21):
Um, that's the main thing we are intentional about being around each other
And there are times where you know, I might break off and
Venture out with some friends and do stuff and even in that I try to do things, you know
Where it doesn't overlap our time
You know
So that we have our time together
(30:41):
and it's just like really trying to
Make sure that you put me in time
And effort in whatever it is
That is important to your relationship and it starts with listen
You know listen to her. I listen to what she tells me. I listen to
She's telling me, you know
I was thinking about
(31:02):
Doing such as such, you know
Okay. Well, maybe i was surprised with you know
And you know, sometimes it works
Sometimes it fails
But I think the effort is the main thing
You're right
I really like when you say it's like the simple things that really matters
(31:24):
It's not just you know, always money. It's not always like gifts
Sometimes it can be like even a simple appreciation
That you cook a food for me. I like that food. I like how it tastes
You take care of my children. I really appreciate
You do so hard work to you know
(31:45):
Earn livelihood from our family. I really appreciate that effort and that love and care for
For us so even these appreciations can actually mean a lot
Noticing like small things is very important and like you mentioned
Intention and investment like if you invest on something you have to understand like how to invest
(32:06):
Or even you know, like the things that i'm investing when we invest anything we think about like the return on investment
And I think family our loved ones is the biggest investment in our life
These because these person will stay with us, you know
In things and things and they will like keep supporting us and if you don't have their support from us
(32:28):
Their support from their mind you can I I know you cannot progress in your life
If for example, like if i'm having a bad day
In my home if i'm uh, so i'm married myself. So if i'm having like a
Bad day with my wife. I know my work will not go good
Even if I try like my best my best work would not be reflected
(32:51):
And you know like so and also if when I come back to my home
And I like be with my wife again. I just talk to her and I say like
Uh, I really apologize and like let's make up and if she gives me, you know
That actually fills the world to me and everything like feels normal
I don't know if it's just like how I function having that mental peace is important where and
(33:15):
I think that mainly comes from your loved ones your partner
And if that is not important, I don't know what is so the biggest investment should be over there
And by investment I mean the appreciations by investment. I mean the care and
The time that he or she deserves and I think um, that is important to have
(33:38):
I just wanted to like talk to you a bit
about
Parenting that you mentioned that you were wonderful parents
I just want to ask you like for the benefit of my audience
What does you know a good parenting actually means and what are the some of the ups and downs that parents face if you can?
tell me from your
(33:58):
Experience and a bit about like how?
During parenting how couples can support one another because I know many of my audiences are parents
So for the benefit of them, well definitely
We
I guess from the beginning we got rid of those
uh, quote unquote gender roles
(34:21):
um, so
She changed diapers. I changed that
Um, that's there was never a time when I didn't participate in
Raising my children even
People little girls I changed those diapers, too
um, and I you know
As they were growing up, um
(34:41):
I always worked a different uh
Schedule so I worked swing shift
uh rotating 12 hour shifts
and so one of the things that I did was I
Participated in because she teaches school
Um, she would have to leave at a certain time. So whether it was
my off days or the days where I would uh, you know
(35:05):
Get off in the morning. I stayed up and made sure the career got on the bus
uh
We just kind of
filled in where you know, the feelings need to be filled if
that might have meant that you know, I was taking one kid to
Basketball practice she was taking another kid to karate
(35:25):
We just kind of you know dealt with those on a day-to-day basis and
There it really wasn't a you know
Uh, uh
Designated person to do anything
Anything if I had to cook I would cook you know
On those days, you know just to make sure the kids had something to eat. So
(35:47):
We just kind of worked our own system
The the same
Idea of being a team. Yeah, we we had to as a teen parent
um, and we we have two birth children two adoptive children
and the um
The first adoption was actually both of them were were trying
(36:11):
Um, and so we we had to learn that we're in this together
We had to depend on each other and then with our birth children and you know, you always question
When with with me
When my kids do something really really good
I give them all the credit. I'm so proud of them and their accomplishments
(36:33):
If my kid does something not so good
I start to question myself as a parent
and so
Thankfully, we have the relationship to where
Um, if i'm down on myself if he's down on himself
We talk to each other we process through things. We we help each other
(36:54):
He he tells me um, think about what we did when we were that age and
so
Um, just to have that support there physically mentally emotionally
And still functioning as a team
our children
Sometimes I think we sheltered them
too much from things
(37:15):
but our children
To this day if they hear us raise our voice at each other
It would probably blow their mind
Because they they've never seen us
Um any type of conflict they know that um
At one point you could hear
Mom never mind dad. Can I blah blah blah and he'd say ask your mom but they knew
(37:41):
together that my
Initial response to everything was no until I had a moment to think and process
fast
And I had to go with her every night. Oh look, it's just gonna be an hour. Yeah, let it go, you know
But they they saw us operate as a team
and
(38:02):
Just like everything else. This is so important
I remember when our son was born there again young and experienced
I said well i'll get up with him
On weeknights and you just get up with him on the weekends
And that was the dumbest idea
But we didn't have a clue because we were young parents, but I told you that first week by that thursday
(38:27):
Um, I'd be upholding the baby rolling my eyes at him sleeping
Because because i'm like this is a dumb idea
but
Um there again being that we were
That we were comfortable with each other. I I went back to him and say look this plan is not gonna work
(38:48):
We're gonna figure something else out
Um, I think we did that one time with laundry
um
I'll wash and dry and you fold and put away
And once we had you know, the mountain of clothing pile up. I said look this is not working
So we we you know, we try things if it doesn't work we come back together look that doesn't work
(39:13):
There's no animosity with each other. There's no
Um, I worked so I should come in to a hot meal or the kids should already be settled and in bed
It's you know, we we did this together. We're gonna do this together
um, and that that's been our um,
That that's been our drive is that we're a team. Yeah
(39:36):
the expectation should just be
What happened today? It shouldn't be right. What?
Should be all the time because that's just not real
It's what happened today, especially with kids today. She might have already at work. So
and and
The child might have gotten uh disciplined by the teacher or
(39:58):
They email us about the conference. So how are we going to deal with this situation? So we have to make we have to discuss these things
And I think a lot of times, you know
There again, that's that communication. But one thing that we uh practice too
Is that you know
We're number one
our patients
kids were
(40:18):
number two, so
You know, we would do we had to do as far as kids
And then once we got them to bed at night
Then we would have our time to
Conversate and talk about you know tomorrow
What has to happen the next day?
and
Put that time in each other because you know
You can't get lost in the sauce so to speak and you know, everything comes about the kids and
(40:44):
People tend to just you know, and then when you look, you know, you turn around and
You know, you're looking at empty nesters and people talk about well
Uh, we don't have anything in common
You know, we want to avoid that as much as possible by tuning in with each other
also
Make sure that you have a trusted support system
(41:08):
Doesn't have to be several
people
but one or two trusted individuals who can babysit from time to time
So have those times to be together
Sometimes that support is not even necessarily babysitting but just
I know we had my mom was very close to us with the when the kids were younger
(41:31):
And so the kids had games and things like that. My mom would come
Our niece would come and so the kids
They saw their ability. They had support outside of us because there are going to be times when those kids
aren't
Necessarily wanting to come to mom
Really wanting to come to mom or dad to talk about things
(41:53):
And if they have this this support system in this village that's there they have trusted adults that they can go to
um, so
That that was also helpful and important to us
We had to set some boundaries with my mom, but
there again, we did that together and we were a united front with that but
(42:16):
um, it just
Everything goes back to that. We're we are respecting each other and we're working as a team
Right. So I really
Command you and appreciate your words of wisdom
I think it's really important to like work as a team and function as a team and like you mentioned everything is not like
(42:37):
Calculated everything is not like very equational that I can do this and you can do that and we'll just go that way
It just like comes up in the process and we realize that once we go through that so but
Even on all of this, it's very important to work as a team function as a team think as a team
And like how you can like support one another and just you know, make one day a success one day at a time
(43:04):
I think that's really important to understand
I wanted to talk to you a bit about your own podcast the beyond I do podcast
So if you can kindly let our audience know a little bit about your podcast
So when we started the podcast, uh, he came to me we had been
(43:25):
discussing
Doing something
Separately online and he came to me with the idea of doing a podcast about marriage and relationships
We are
We we love love we're so happy
With the life we've created and when you see all these negative things
(43:45):
Um online about relationship and marriage, you know, he came to me and and I was like sure
Let's do it if that's going to help kind of neutralize some of that
so our first season was us sharing our journey and
Um
How we how we did marriage
Uh how we got together how we parented our finances all of those things
(44:11):
Um supporting each other through grief. We've both
Since lost our moms and and how those you know, we did those things
So our second season we decided, you know to be the best partner. I need to be the best individual
So we started to bring on others and interview
Um different individuals who are experts in different areas
(44:35):
finance fitness
mental health
So that you can learn how to become a better individual and a better partner
And for this season that's just starting we are back to just the two of us again
and our
theme for the the year is how to divorce proof
(44:56):
Your marriage and so we just we feel like we're just you know, two regular people
Who want to share how we've we've done this and what we've done to make it successful
So that others realize that yes, there are happy couples. Yes
You can do it too. And these are some of the things we did
(45:19):
And hopefully they can help you figure out how to get to your
Um, happily ever after
So my follow-up question is like how can our audience like reach out to you and listen to your podcast?
Um, www.beyond.dpodcast.com
Um on uh spotify or apple
(45:43):
Uh, we're on
We have youtube channel
um
beyond that dpodcast
Um, what else do we have facebook facebook?
Do we have a facebook group? We didn't be emailed at me and at beyond our dpodcast.com if
for those who
That want to reach out and maybe want to be guests on we were inviting couples in we want to
(46:08):
We're interested in learning a couple stories
And you know one thing about it is
You know when we look at you know, the entertainers we look at the stars and they have this
you know
Relationship and people tend to look at them as couples goals
And a lot of times when they do have issues
(46:30):
Uh in this society we tend to take you know
uh
It tends to hurt us
And everyone that I say, you know, I see people all the time just being together and staying together
and you know
People have very interesting stories. So those are the stories that I want to put out there just creating positivity
(46:51):
You know, there are people who?
Are not in the limelight that have been together 30 40 50 years
And we like to you know, learn their stories. We like to be able to share their stories. So
Please always reach out to us. You guys will share your story
Help us help you
I'm certain that my audiences will do check out your podcast and
(47:14):
Reach out to you because we have a lot of couples
Newlyweds, I know like from our feedback listening to our podcast
So it would be a huge huge support for them as well
Uh, I really appreciate your time today bernan margaret for joining this podcast and sharing some of your words on wisdom
Of on creating happy healthy marriages on letting our audience know
(47:38):
What a successful partnership means and how to like function as a team how it felt to be like parenting and some of the
Strategies can parents follow?
When they go through the parenthood journey, so I really appreciate and for dear audience
I I really appreciate you hearing this podcast as well
And also if you do have any questions for bernan margaret mckie or you want to like know more about them?
(48:04):
We have a webpage for bernan margaret in our website
So if you go to the our website activeaction.fm
And you can just search bernan margaret and you'll find their webpage with all the links attached and you can like reach out to them
Next week, we will be definitely coming back with another
Episode until then stay well stay active and stay and take action
(48:29):
That is we always say to our audiences and also if you wish to support our podcast
We have means for that just go to our website and you can see how so take care everyone
You're tuned into the active action podcast
Step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts where every episode is your chance to learn grow
(48:50):
And stay inspired you
You're tuned into the active action podcast step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts
(00:06):
Where every episode is your chance to learn grow and stay inspired?
Welcome everyone to back again another episode of the active action podcast
I'm your host dr. Nazeeb with you and as always like in our podcast we inspire our
Audiences to stay active and take action and to take a little bit of inspiration from our wonderful guests that we have each week
(00:32):
Today the topic of our podcast is one of my very own favorite. Let me introduce our
Guest. Hello. Good morning, Byron and Margaret. How are you doing this morning? Good morning. Good morning. We're good
Thank you for having us
so dear audience today our topic is creating happy and healthy marriages and
(00:55):
We have today with us Byron and Margaret Mackey
So they are the host of the beyond I do
podcast
So before we delve into our conversations, can I kindly ask Byron and Margaret?
Can you kindly introduce yourself to our audience what you do a bit little bit of your background? Well
(01:16):
Margaret and I we were friends we met each other in
91
91
And we were friends for about
five to six years and in 97 her and I
Reunited we had five bitters at the same time
(01:37):
We reunited and started hanging around each other
Consistently all the time day in and day out
and
by the end of 97 we were married with a child on the way and
We started a family
And here it is 27 years later
(01:58):
In
2023
We launched our Beyond I do podcast
We decided to share
Got tired of seeing all the negativity that was online about marriage and
relationships and we wanted to share how we
Made it through the years and how we never get our our marriage
(02:21):
And that was the foundation of Beyond I do podcast
Like he said we we started out as friends when we were
Still in school. Yeah, and we maintain that friendship and
Regardless of distance or anything we would always well I went off to school
(02:42):
I would come home. I would make time to see him and that friendship became the basis of what eventually became our
Relationship and our marriage and just to relate I know bernard margaret
So you have been married for many years you have a lot of wealth of wisdom when it comes to
Relationship and what marriage actually means
(03:04):
Can I ask you like what do you think is the definition of a beautiful or wonderful marriage?
So we we believe in being a team
You have two people coming together as one and you function as a team
And we've we've learned and thankfully we learned pretty early in that we had to
(03:28):
Do what's best for us?
And so you get advice guidance what have you from family friends?
From resources like ourselves, but in the end you have to do what's best for you as a couple
And we function as a team our relationship sometimes comes before the individual
(03:53):
And we want to make sure that that relationship is
Is healthy and it's thriving and so sometimes that means that I have to stop
And I have to put my individual
Feelings to the side because maybe my individual goal doesn't meet the goal of our relationship
(04:13):
And so we we just focus on on that two becoming one and we focus as a team
I really like that idea margaret functioning as a team is I think really important and I think a relationship
Can move forward at or be you know, uh successful when each partner understands themselves
(04:37):
Or each partner understands the other as well and you know like having that team
Mindset to do everything to support each other and having that understanding. I think is really important
Can I ask you was there like a friendship involved? It was it like a friend kind of relation when you two met together?
Yes, it was definitely friendship
(04:59):
And it started out as it's funny
when I
Met
She has actually had a crush on me
My friends, so it was definitely friendship
It was funny because you know once
Once that didn't happen for her
(05:20):
We kept in contact with each other. It was just like, you know
She was the one that you know out of all the
He knows that I knew I felt comfortable being around her
Um, and it just seemed like every time we would uh throughout the years every time we would uh
Get in contact with each other. It was like, you know, we always picked up what we left off at
(05:41):
You know, it could be three four months at times
When we didn't have contact with each other. So, you know
It was definitely the friendship
The respect that we had for one another
And it was a really good relationship
Um the respect that we had for one another the communication that we had
(06:03):
Talk about each other's uh, you know catching up in each other's lives at that time, you know
Helping to guide each other. So that was definitely
Definitely a great foundation for us. We we tried to
When we were still in school, we tried to date and he messed up. Yeah, and so
(06:23):
He was downgraded back to friend
But throughout that time, um, we were friends we
Both had separate relationships. He he had a long-term relationship
And we just maintained that friendship
Um, and I think that that helped us
Like there's a mutual respect. There's a comfort there
(06:45):
And and that's what even still to this day we rely on that friendship
Um to help us maintain our bond
Thank you so much for like explaining that and how that relationship is of being, you know
Friends first, but getting to know better when time goes
And like to follow up that question. I wanted to ask you by the mark
(07:08):
What do you think the importance of friendship is in a marriage? Oh, well, we typically
I would uh believe is
uh friends over uh friendship
over love
You have to be friends in order to have a bond, you know
You think about friendships, uh with the same sex
(07:31):
Uh friendships, you know, that's the person you tell everything to
When you were a teenager, you know, you kind of confided in them, you know
Told all your secrets you share those
Intimate details about your life
And in order to uh have a sustainable relationship
It needs to be that in order to you know, understand where each other comes from
(07:54):
And so we we definitely believe in friendship over love
Love is important, but you know it comes to
To love it's like when you think about you have friends and family members that
You know, you don't want to
Love them, but you don't want to be around a long time
You know you have to like that person a lot because you're spending 24 or 7
(08:15):
The hours that you spend working that you are with that individual so
It has to be there. You definitely have to have to like the person that you're with
You should want to spend time with your with your significant other
And sometimes it's not always the same
And if you're with your significant other, you should spend time with your significant other
(08:40):
And sometimes that time
Is uh in
The romantic sense of the word but most of the time it's the day to day in and out life things
And like he said, you know if something exciting happens, he should be the first person that I want to call
To reach out to so we we stress you have to like your partner
(09:06):
Sometimes you you lose sight of that and there's a lot of pressure with
You have to keep the spark going and you have to have these date nights and sometimes that can be
Like it could cause a lot of pressure
But at the end of the day
You have to like the person that you've decided to spend your life with because that's the first thing
(09:28):
You've decided to spend your life with because that like is what makes it easier to wake up next to the same person
day in and day out
If there's a disagreement you think about that friendship and what you've created together
And okay, we need to figure out how to move past this
Because I don't want to lose my best friend. I can equal you
(09:51):
Um baron margaret because I feel like every relationship has their ups and downs and no relationship is kind of like
a straightforward thing
Just like when two people like get together
There might be of different backgrounds. They might have different mindsets thoughts those two people getting together
(10:12):
making that bond and
understanding how to live with one another how to
To support one another is a very very important even you know in in relationships
We have seen like in the first or second or even at the third or fourth year
There are you know disagreements there are things that doesn't like fall into place
(10:34):
At that time I think people make some really important or really like tough choices
Either to rethink if this is going to work out
Or also think or might think that okay. I have to make this work. So let me see what I can do
Let me see how I can support my partner to feel her what she can do
When do you think in in the early stage of a relationship when
(10:58):
The partners can have these kind of like conflicts or a bit of disagreements
How do you think it's a better way?
You know to keep a positive mindset at that time and to support one another
So um for us our backgrounds are very different
I grew up as the only child in a very chaotic environment. There was
(11:21):
abuse
and I I had some things that I
Did and react in reaction to that abuse as a teenager
And so he came from a blended family
He's the youngest of ten
he had mom and great father and um,
Just very different backgrounds. And so when we did finally get together
(11:47):
as a couple there were some things that
I I had to deal with that manifested in a way that made it seem like it was against him
I had an issue with physical touch I had
and
He he was gracious enough that he didn't take those things personal. He realized that
(12:09):
You know, there's some there's a reason for this and it's not me
and so it's so important that we have have grace and understanding for our partner and realize that
um
They may lash out towards me, but it's not at me. It's not about me
And I need to give this person space and then we need to figure out how to overcome this together
(12:35):
There's there is no me against you. It's you and I against whatever is challenging you or whatever is challenging me
And sometimes that's hard and especially in the midst of emotions
We've learned that sometimes we have to stop
And we will write each other letters or send each other text messages
(12:56):
So that both of us have time to process our thoughts and feelings without the emotions taking over
Um, I can
I can let my emotions get the best of all of us
If I let them so had to learn to just stop
And we respect that if we're in the middle of a conflict and and I say I need time to process or he says
(13:19):
I need time to process we respect that and we stop
You you and that's where the friendship comes in also is that you learn this individual
You learn their their ups and downs and you can sense that something is not right
And when you need to give space and then you respect that right?
and oftentimes when he is when it's communicated to
(13:41):
The other individual that you know, I had these issues happen in my past
And when you learn, okay. Well, it's not me. It's because of what happened in the past
It made me understand. Okay. Well
Now I have to give her that grace to let her know that you know
It does hurt but you know, I'm willing to sit here and help you through this help you through this uh time
(14:07):
So that you know
Uh, once we get through it and you know, we're able to stand strong but
Having that information does help so you're not just taking fix to saying well, all right, you know make up your mind
She doesn't love me. She doesn't care, but she don't want to touch me
I have to
(14:28):
Understand your your mate you understand that that's a traumatic reaction
Then you you learn eventually to not take it personal
I really I really think then that it's important to have patience and
Trust is a very important word
It's a matter of fact like how much you can do that in a in a relationship keep trusting and trusting
(14:51):
And you and ultimately I think at one time you will definitely see the result of that because it's
You know when two different people is like coming from different backgrounds
Trying to work each other and you know, you know
And trying to work each other it shows love, you know
It's not just like we have to say I love you or I like you in the mouth or but
(15:14):
Or by like words. It's just our actions speak for ourselves. I wanted to ask by on a question following up
Uh on your story you did mention margaret that at the very early stage, you know
There are some issues or maybe um, you know, there are some understandings that might not have been correct
But I wanted to ask byron at that time, you know, like ask men
(15:37):
What should I do like to you know cope up in my relationship?
And I know like even to the length of extent the say that I feel I feel I was betrayed
Or I felt i'm not getting the attention that I deserve men and women think like
Like differently in time to time. There are different there are different times in life, but baron
(15:57):
I just wanted to like ask a question as a man
What do you think in a very early stage the question I just asked earlier when you have an issue with you like
Partners or when you have these, you know trust or questions
How do you like keep yourself calm or you know cope with that situation?
And I would also like to ask that question to margaret as well in the perspective of a woman so that both of
(16:23):
My audience as male and female would get a perception of that
Well, I think first and foremost you have to uh
You know know that your partner is you know, you're taking two people and you're
you're merging two different lifestyles two different ways of
Of behaving in life
(16:44):
and you know one of the things that for the beginning for us is
We communicated a lot about our past and even though we were friends
um, we thought we knew
A lot about each other, but when we had that set up had that conversation
And talked about our expectations and we talked about our goals
(17:05):
And we talked about these things. Um
That helped me to understand that you know
Um, so when I when I felt like uh
There was trouble. I just said okay. Well
It's not me again. It's
Trump
So let me come to her and talk to her and say hey, you know
(17:27):
I just need to understand this from a perspective
um when you
rejected me
It hurt and I need to understand is that because you don't
Want me or is it because you know?
Is having those traumatic issues and when she was able to explain those things to me
(17:48):
It helped me to okay now I got to
You know, uh bring a bearish
Just deal with it and take it as it comes
and you know
us communicating that helped to
Kind of break a barrier whereas you say well
I'm not just going to just give in to to to them
(18:10):
Where you might just say okay. Well
Maybe half the time i'll do this for them even though I don't want to
Just to you know satisfy them
Just to you know satisfy them or or you know kind of meet in the middle so to speak
And that has helped us
Um break through some barriers and it's all about the communication
(18:32):
Just communicate your part how you feel how this made you feel and it was tough in the beginning
uh
Because you know you have ego ego gets in the way of
Who does she think she is? I'm me and this is who I am
And you know and then you get that ego out of the way
And you're learning that you're trying to
(18:53):
form, you know combined two entities
Then it's like okay. Well now I have to learn her
and and you know
We're constantly learning each other
Right, right. It's not like you know, I just I knew everything about her and
I don't have to learn anything else
You know, we're constantly learning each other because we're evolving and we're changing a lot of time
(19:13):
so I think that
One thing that like you said
You could have one thing happen and as a man he he interprets it one way as a woman
I interpret it completely different
and a lot of times
The problem is we don't come together and discuss that issue
(19:35):
And how we interpret it and realize that oh, okay different perspectives
And so one thing that we've learned is we have to sometimes be uncomfortable
So that we can understand each other's perspective
so
There have been times where
Um, he's he's very friendly. He's very outgoing
(19:58):
and he may
Say something to someone else that can be perceived as disrespectful to me
We may be out he may
um
Say something to the cashier or something that could be
perceived as disrespectful to his partner
and
As his partner I need to say, okay
(20:21):
I didn't I didn't particularly like how you said or what did you mean when you said that?
And for him to say oh, I didn't mean anything by it. I just said it and didn't think twice
So those types of things when when the first little seed is there
You have to dig that up before it it's you know
(20:42):
Puts its roots in and a lot of times very often its perception. We just perceive things differently
Like I said, he's friendly. He's
Extroverted he's outgoing
So he never meets a stranger and i've had to get used to that. I'm the opposite. I'm not
not extroverted I don't do small talk none of that so
(21:04):
The flip side of that is people perceive me as being you know mean or what have you
but
We understand each other and so if he's being super friendly
Um, I know that he's not flirting or anything like that
And then he knows if I give him a certain look
(21:25):
I'm not being mean or nasty. I've just hit my my people limit
And and i'm not people-y anymore or people friendly and we respect those differences in each other
So he's had his time to be out and about he sees i've given him the sign
Okay, it's time to leave because she's she's at her limit
(21:47):
Things like that. I think we just we don't
Understand that we see things totally different
And if we would just take the time in a non
um
judgmental
Way to listen to each other that it would solve so many of those little little things
(22:08):
Very wonderful words of wisdom bern and margaret. I
Really appreciate that and I I think my audience would appreciate that as well. I just want to like touch on
One different two different things margaret and bern you mentioned
one is that
bern you mentioned that we
Have to know our partner. We have to learn about our partner and learning is constant
(22:33):
It doesn't end, you know, even you know after leaving for
Even 20 30 years you get to learn new things about your partner one day or other
and I think these learnings actually like
Add to the thought or add to the whole new chapter, you know about your partner and each day you learn new things
(22:54):
And you like realize okay. This is a thing that my
Husband or wife likes this is a thing that he or she doesn't like so can I accommodate with that?
Or can I like make her understand if this is right or wrong?
What should I do? And even if you have that confusion just sit together and have a conversation
(23:14):
Sit together and have a talk and just getting on that margaret
You mentioned that we should not let tree get bigger
We should discuss something right at the seat and I think that is a very very important and a very
Crucial issue that many of our uh, many of the relationships the couple have is that they don't discuss
(23:36):
when
Someone is seeing that something is not going their way
Or there is a disagreement or even there is a perception that something is not being right
They kept like they kept quiet or they don't want to discuss that
And that actually, you know, um builds something there inside builds as a tension and that tension can come out
(23:57):
Somewhere else where it should not have come out when some for example when someone
It's a couple is having an argument some of those tensions might come out which might be a very simple or silly matter
Which which if we if that was discussed right at the beginning that would not be an issue
But that thing actually built on to the person itself
So I think having a clear communication and a clear understanding and even you know discussing small things is very important
(24:24):
And also when you know two people are living together or staying together
They have lots of time, right? They're like with one another
So if someone just says that I didn't have I didn't remember that or I didn't have
I didn't have to I didn't have time to discuss that. I think that's not a
That's not an excuse
Especially if you value your relationship if you value that other person
(24:49):
Right person is important to you. That matter should also be important. You don't keep any seed of confusion in yourself
I just wanted to like talk to you by the market a little bit about creating happy and healthy
Marriages that we know so from my experience I can see my mom and dad has been married for like nearly 50 years
(25:10):
So I so i've seen those family roots and things
Because I come from a background where families are really close with their kids and with their parents as well
So even though like now
My grandmother like lives with my mom and dad and my dad takes care of them
(25:31):
So there are like things that these are like very strong
Family values, but I wanted to ask you like you mentioned in the very beginning of the podcast
What's what's the definition of like a happy marriage?
Can I ask you like what does it take for someone you know to create a happy and healthy marriage?
What things that couple should remember? So the the first thing is that the couple is going to determine
(25:57):
um
As a couple what their their happy marriage looks like
And and then you stick to that
um
We we've had we were married at 22 and 23 years old. We were young
We we had no business
Being married and being parents that young
(26:18):
Um, but we made a decision
That we're going to get married. We're going to stay married
and as we've gone
gone through the years
we've had
family members friends church members
Give us advice or we've gone to them for advice for guidance
(26:40):
Especially being that young and then the two of us come together and we have to decide. Okay
What are we going to keep what are we going to change? What are we going to throw out?
and for us
um, and and we've continued that throughout
Throughout the time that we've been together we we decide what that looks like for us
(27:02):
and for some it it
May not fall in line with what they think it should be but the two of us are are happy
So that's first and foremost is that couple has to determine what that looks like
And then you you have to put in the work
Day in and day out to maintain that
(27:23):
um
We are comfortable around each other in each other's presence. We trust one another
Um, we love each other. We like each other
um, and
We we have um, I have confidence that he has my best interest at heart and vice versa
(27:45):
We we work to try and make things easier for the other partner
So all of those things for us are what make our marriage happy and healthy
You are listening to the active action podcast visit active action podcast.com to explore all episodes
Active action podcast where voices inspire and entertain. Yes
(28:08):
Um, I think you definitely have to be intentional
And that's my favorite word now
intentional about your marriage and you know
People tend to uh take their money and they look at it and they invest in
You know, I put a little money here. I'm investing in the stock or
I'm investing this venture
And uh, well, you don't just throw the money there and not look at it
(28:31):
You don't just throw the money there and not take it, you know
Watch it grow whatever so when you are investing in your relationship investment means listening
Listening to what your partner's saying
and uh
Going going on action like you know
They're they're you know, there's an adage in in relationships where
(28:54):
You know where you show up with flowers and candy and that'll just solve everything, you know
Well, when you know your partner your partner might not actually like flowers
Yes
Every woman in the world likes flowers. That doesn't mean that what gets her she she may like, you know, just a simple
um
(29:14):
um
Simple coordination might do her just fine just and and even if you know those times where you know
You're dealing with uh issues, you know, sometimes just surprise her with you know
It's just simple things, you know, she might like a certain candy bar
You know and you know, she doesn't get to the point where she stops by the store all the time
(29:36):
You know, I might just be on the balance say i'm gonna get her that candy bar because i'm just thinking about
And i'll just get the candy bar and place it on her workstation
And that's just let her know that i'm thinking about it. It's just sometimes it's still simple things
in life
You don't have to always think you know broad about these things, you know
Uh simple things for us is just sitting around and
(30:00):
Well
You know she has her crocheting. I do some
My music and stuff on my ipad. I'm sorry
I'm sorry, and uh, we'll just sit there and we like crime dramas. We'll sit there and watch, you know 2020
We'll catch up on our little shows and just being around each other
(30:21):
Um, that's the main thing we are intentional about being around each other
And there are times where you know, I might break off and
Venture out with some friends and do stuff and even in that I try to do things, you know
Where it doesn't overlap our time
You know
So that we have our time together
(30:41):
and it's just like really trying to
Make sure that you put me in time
And effort in whatever it is
That is important to your relationship and it starts with listen
You know listen to her. I listen to what she tells me. I listen to
She's telling me, you know
I was thinking about
(31:02):
Doing such as such, you know
Okay. Well, maybe i was surprised with you know
And you know, sometimes it works
Sometimes it fails
But I think the effort is the main thing
You're right
I really like when you say it's like the simple things that really matters
(31:24):
It's not just you know, always money. It's not always like gifts
Sometimes it can be like even a simple appreciation
That you cook a food for me. I like that food. I like how it tastes
You take care of my children. I really appreciate
You do so hard work to you know
(31:45):
Earn livelihood from our family. I really appreciate that effort and that love and care for
For us so even these appreciations can actually mean a lot
Noticing like small things is very important and like you mentioned
Intention and investment like if you invest on something you have to understand like how to invest
(32:06):
Or even you know, like the things that i'm investing when we invest anything we think about like the return on investment
And I think family our loved ones is the biggest investment in our life
These because these person will stay with us, you know
In things and things and they will like keep supporting us and if you don't have their support from us
(32:28):
Their support from their mind you can I I know you cannot progress in your life
If for example, like if i'm having a bad day
In my home if i'm uh, so i'm married myself. So if i'm having like a
Bad day with my wife. I know my work will not go good
Even if I try like my best my best work would not be reflected
(32:51):
And you know like so and also if when I come back to my home
And I like be with my wife again. I just talk to her and I say like
Uh, I really apologize and like let's make up and if she gives me, you know
That actually fills the world to me and everything like feels normal
I don't know if it's just like how I function having that mental peace is important where and
(33:15):
I think that mainly comes from your loved ones your partner
And if that is not important, I don't know what is so the biggest investment should be over there
And by investment I mean the appreciations by investment. I mean the care and
The time that he or she deserves and I think um, that is important to have
(33:38):
I just wanted to like talk to you a bit
about
Parenting that you mentioned that you were wonderful parents
I just want to ask you like for the benefit of my audience
What does you know a good parenting actually means and what are the some of the ups and downs that parents face if you can?
tell me from your
(33:58):
Experience and a bit about like how?
During parenting how couples can support one another because I know many of my audiences are parents
So for the benefit of them, well definitely
We
I guess from the beginning we got rid of those
uh, quote unquote gender roles
(34:21):
um, so
She changed diapers. I changed that
Um, that's there was never a time when I didn't participate in
Raising my children even
People little girls I changed those diapers, too
um, and I you know
As they were growing up, um
(34:41):
I always worked a different uh
Schedule so I worked swing shift
uh rotating 12 hour shifts
and so one of the things that I did was I
Participated in because she teaches school
Um, she would have to leave at a certain time. So whether it was
my off days or the days where I would uh, you know
(35:05):
Get off in the morning. I stayed up and made sure the career got on the bus
uh
We just kind of
filled in where you know, the feelings need to be filled if
that might have meant that you know, I was taking one kid to
Basketball practice she was taking another kid to karate
(35:25):
We just kind of you know dealt with those on a day-to-day basis and
There it really wasn't a you know
Uh, uh
Designated person to do anything
Anything if I had to cook I would cook you know
On those days, you know just to make sure the kids had something to eat. So
(35:47):
We just kind of worked our own system
The the same
Idea of being a team. Yeah, we we had to as a teen parent
um, and we we have two birth children two adoptive children
and the um
The first adoption was actually both of them were were trying
(36:11):
Um, and so we we had to learn that we're in this together
We had to depend on each other and then with our birth children and you know, you always question
When with with me
When my kids do something really really good
I give them all the credit. I'm so proud of them and their accomplishments
(36:33):
If my kid does something not so good
I start to question myself as a parent
and so
Thankfully, we have the relationship to where
Um, if i'm down on myself if he's down on himself
We talk to each other we process through things. We we help each other
(36:54):
He he tells me um, think about what we did when we were that age and
so
Um, just to have that support there physically mentally emotionally
And still functioning as a team
our children
Sometimes I think we sheltered them
too much from things
(37:15):
but our children
To this day if they hear us raise our voice at each other
It would probably blow their mind
Because they they've never seen us
Um any type of conflict they know that um
At one point you could hear
Mom never mind dad. Can I blah blah blah and he'd say ask your mom but they knew
(37:41):
together that my
Initial response to everything was no until I had a moment to think and process
fast
And I had to go with her every night. Oh look, it's just gonna be an hour. Yeah, let it go, you know
But they they saw us operate as a team
and
(38:02):
Just like everything else. This is so important
I remember when our son was born there again young and experienced
I said well i'll get up with him
On weeknights and you just get up with him on the weekends
And that was the dumbest idea
But we didn't have a clue because we were young parents, but I told you that first week by that thursday
(38:27):
Um, I'd be upholding the baby rolling my eyes at him sleeping
Because because i'm like this is a dumb idea
but
Um there again being that we were
That we were comfortable with each other. I I went back to him and say look this plan is not gonna work
(38:48):
We're gonna figure something else out
Um, I think we did that one time with laundry
um
I'll wash and dry and you fold and put away
And once we had you know, the mountain of clothing pile up. I said look this is not working
So we we you know, we try things if it doesn't work we come back together look that doesn't work
(39:13):
There's no animosity with each other. There's no
Um, I worked so I should come in to a hot meal or the kids should already be settled and in bed
It's you know, we we did this together. We're gonna do this together
um, and that that's been our um,
That that's been our drive is that we're a team. Yeah
(39:36):
the expectation should just be
What happened today? It shouldn't be right. What?
Should be all the time because that's just not real
It's what happened today, especially with kids today. She might have already at work. So
and and
The child might have gotten uh disciplined by the teacher or
(39:58):
They email us about the conference. So how are we going to deal with this situation? So we have to make we have to discuss these things
And I think a lot of times, you know
There again, that's that communication. But one thing that we uh practice too
Is that you know
We're number one
our patients
kids were
(40:18):
number two, so
You know, we would do we had to do as far as kids
And then once we got them to bed at night
Then we would have our time to
Conversate and talk about you know tomorrow
What has to happen the next day?
and
Put that time in each other because you know
You can't get lost in the sauce so to speak and you know, everything comes about the kids and
(40:44):
People tend to just you know, and then when you look, you know, you turn around and
You know, you're looking at empty nesters and people talk about well
Uh, we don't have anything in common
You know, we want to avoid that as much as possible by tuning in with each other
also
Make sure that you have a trusted support system
(41:08):
Doesn't have to be several
people
but one or two trusted individuals who can babysit from time to time
So have those times to be together
Sometimes that support is not even necessarily babysitting but just
I know we had my mom was very close to us with the when the kids were younger
(41:31):
And so the kids had games and things like that. My mom would come
Our niece would come and so the kids
They saw their ability. They had support outside of us because there are going to be times when those kids
aren't
Necessarily wanting to come to mom
Really wanting to come to mom or dad to talk about things
(41:53):
And if they have this this support system in this village that's there they have trusted adults that they can go to
um, so
That that was also helpful and important to us
We had to set some boundaries with my mom, but
there again, we did that together and we were a united front with that but
(42:16):
um, it just
Everything goes back to that. We're we are respecting each other and we're working as a team
Right. So I really
Command you and appreciate your words of wisdom
I think it's really important to like work as a team and function as a team and like you mentioned everything is not like
(42:37):
Calculated everything is not like very equational that I can do this and you can do that and we'll just go that way
It just like comes up in the process and we realize that once we go through that so but
Even on all of this, it's very important to work as a team function as a team think as a team
And like how you can like support one another and just you know, make one day a success one day at a time
(43:04):
I think that's really important to understand
I wanted to talk to you a bit about your own podcast the beyond I do podcast
So if you can kindly let our audience know a little bit about your podcast
So when we started the podcast, uh, he came to me we had been
(43:25):
discussing
Doing something
Separately online and he came to me with the idea of doing a podcast about marriage and relationships
We are
We we love love we're so happy
With the life we've created and when you see all these negative things
(43:45):
Um online about relationship and marriage, you know, he came to me and and I was like sure
Let's do it if that's going to help kind of neutralize some of that
so our first season was us sharing our journey and
Um
How we how we did marriage
Uh how we got together how we parented our finances all of those things
(44:11):
Um supporting each other through grief. We've both
Since lost our moms and and how those you know, we did those things
So our second season we decided, you know to be the best partner. I need to be the best individual
So we started to bring on others and interview
Um different individuals who are experts in different areas
(44:35):
finance fitness
mental health
So that you can learn how to become a better individual and a better partner
And for this season that's just starting we are back to just the two of us again
and our
theme for the the year is how to divorce proof
(44:56):
Your marriage and so we just we feel like we're just you know, two regular people
Who want to share how we've we've done this and what we've done to make it successful
So that others realize that yes, there are happy couples. Yes
You can do it too. And these are some of the things we did
(45:19):
And hopefully they can help you figure out how to get to your
Um, happily ever after
So my follow-up question is like how can our audience like reach out to you and listen to your podcast?
Um, www.beyond.dpodcast.com
Um on uh spotify or apple
(45:43):
Uh, we're on
We have youtube channel
um
beyond that dpodcast
Um, what else do we have facebook facebook?
Do we have a facebook group? We didn't be emailed at me and at beyond our dpodcast.com if
for those who
That want to reach out and maybe want to be guests on we were inviting couples in we want to
(46:08):
We're interested in learning a couple stories
And you know one thing about it is
You know when we look at you know, the entertainers we look at the stars and they have this
you know
Relationship and people tend to look at them as couples goals
And a lot of times when they do have issues
(46:30):
Uh in this society we tend to take you know
uh
It tends to hurt us
And everyone that I say, you know, I see people all the time just being together and staying together
and you know
People have very interesting stories. So those are the stories that I want to put out there just creating positivity
(46:51):
You know, there are people who?
Are not in the limelight that have been together 30 40 50 years
And we like to you know, learn their stories. We like to be able to share their stories. So
Please always reach out to us. You guys will share your story
Help us help you
I'm certain that my audiences will do check out your podcast and
(47:14):
Reach out to you because we have a lot of couples
Newlyweds, I know like from our feedback listening to our podcast
So it would be a huge huge support for them as well
Uh, I really appreciate your time today bernan margaret for joining this podcast and sharing some of your words on wisdom
Of on creating happy healthy marriages on letting our audience know
(47:38):
What a successful partnership means and how to like function as a team how it felt to be like parenting and some of the
Strategies can parents follow?
When they go through the parenthood journey, so I really appreciate and for dear audience
I I really appreciate you hearing this podcast as well
And also if you do have any questions for bernan margaret mckie or you want to like know more about them?
(48:04):
We have a webpage for bernan margaret in our website
So if you go to the our website activeaction.fm
And you can just search bernan margaret and you'll find their webpage with all the links attached and you can like reach out to them
Next week, we will be definitely coming back with another
Episode until then stay well stay active and stay and take action
(48:29):
That is we always say to our audiences and also if you wish to support our podcast
We have means for that just go to our website and you can see how so take care everyone
You're tuned into the active action podcast
Step into a world of engaging conversations with leading experts where every episode is your chance to learn grow
(48:50):
And stay inspired you
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