April 3, 2024 • 35 mins
In this episode of Adulting Decrypted, we explore how refraining from judging others can promote empathy, encourage open-mindedness, reduce stress, and foster personal growth. As we share personal experiences and discuss the importance of self-improvement. We look forward to hearing the same from you.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to Adulting Decrypted.
We are your hosts.
I'm Gene, and I'm starting myfirst year of college.
I'm Ashton.
I'm a music performer, composer,and educator.
I'm Gene, a high school senior.
I'm Roscoe, the dad.
Those are my three sons, andthis is Adulting Decrypted,
where we discuss ways to becomeadults and the things we need to
(00:22):
know to be successful in life.
dad (00:26):
So I was thinking the other day as a parent it's apparent
from the joke that we heard.
How can you tell if it's a dadjoke?
gideon (00:33):
If it's
dad (00:33):
apparent.
If it's an apparent, apparent.
If it's an apparent.
So the other day as I was goingthrough, I realized that
something happens and I don'teven realize that I'm doing it
and what it is.
This is probably more of aparent episode, but it's going
to be good for our listeners aswell.
How often do we find ourselvesjudging others too often?
I think I agree with Jean.
(00:54):
Right often.
Yeah, I was here's a thoughtwhen was the last time you
judged someone or something Ifyou can think of it anybody
anything come to mind quick Ijust judged that guy for driving
down the motorcycle to drivendown the street too fast on his
motorcycle
ashton (01:08):
a jerk
dad (01:10):
anybody else We're
gideon (01:11):
talking like bad judging right?
dad (01:13):
I don't know just any judgment.
gene (01:15):
Sorry, As far as a positive judging, one thing I'd
say is when I was leaving myapartment today to go shopping,
there was a police officer thatwas looking around and I was
like, Oh yeah, sweet.
I'm safe.
Like, it's fine.
dad (01:30):
So I wasn't too worried about it.
No, that's, that's cool.
I hadn't thought of that one,but that's a good point.
You made a judgment call, right?
But maybe that cop was lookingto arrest you.
You don't know.
Hopefully not.
Not again.
And Ashton said again, I don'tknow if you heard that or not.
gene (01:45):
I mean, I was a suspect to a crime once, but that was at a
Home Depot.
dad (01:51):
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that.
I
gene (01:52):
was quickly outruled.
That
dad (01:54):
was like, was that right after you got home from your
mission?
gene (01:57):
That was before.
When
dad (01:58):
you had the long
gene (01:59):
hippie hair?
Yup.
And I was wearing a hat.
That was the problem.
I was just wearing a hat.
ashton (02:05):
If you're wearing a hat, you're a known hooligan.
Or sure.
dad (02:09):
No.
ashton (02:09):
Look at Gideon.
dad (02:10):
That's why Gideon's always sprouting the hat.
Sprouting the hat?
Sporting the hat.
gideon (02:14):
I'm quite the known hooligan.
ashton (02:16):
That's the most baseball you've ever looked in your life.
I know.
dad (02:20):
I think that's got to be one of our new clips.
I'm the most hooligan, hooliganthing.
Stop it right now.
Stop it
ashton (02:28):
right now.
dad (02:30):
Well, the, the reason why I thought of, of judgment is, is I
believe as a parent there'stimes that I look at you guys.
And say, Oh, if I was them, Iwould be doing something
different or I'd be do actingthis way or I'd try and do this
a different way.
So I'm kind of taking thejudgment more Jean, maybe as a
little bit like reasons we maybeshouldn't or negative.
(02:52):
In Matthew seven, when welearned judge, not that you be
not judged, right?
So that would be a Christianversion of Christianity's
version.
I also looked up a couple otherthings that I thought were
pretty interesting.
Islam in the Koran.
4911, it says, Oh, you who havebelieved, let not a people
ridicule you people ridiculepeople.
(03:12):
Perhaps they may be better thanthem, nor let woman ridicule
woman.
Perhaps there may be better thanthem.
And do not insult one anotherand do not call each other by
offensive names.
So I, you know, I thought ofthat and I'm like, Hmm, that's
interesting.
And we'll get a couple morescriptures in there as well
Islam.
Buddhism and some hinduism justbecause I think it's quite
(03:34):
interesting But then I thoughtwhy why like modern science and
what is it teaching us aboutjudgment?
There's four main things reallythat Not judging others can help
us do it promotes empathy andunderstanding encourages open
mindedness Reduces stress andfosters personal growth are the
four key subjects of tonight tokeep it pretty simple how would
(03:56):
You Judging or not judging whenyou refrain from judging others.
How does that promote empathyand understanding?
But well, first off what is whatis empathy?
We'll give action a second.
We'll get the Google definitionof empathy.
Isn't that how we normally dothis?
Always,
ashton (04:11):
I love it Empathy is just the ability to understand
and share the feelings withsomebody or of somebody
dad (04:19):
so I think The question being,
ashton (04:22):
how does having empathy stop you from judging somebody?
Is that what it was?
Yeah, it's
dad (04:26):
along those lines, yeah.
ashton (04:27):
Well I think if you're able to understand why someone
has done a thing, it stops youfrom judging for them for making
the decision that they did.
So.
having the ability to see theirperspective stops you from
going, well, you should havedone this because if you truly
understand where they're comingfrom or can empathize with their
(04:51):
feelings, you're on their leveland you have no reason to judge
them because you're on the samepage.
dad (04:55):
I like that.
And then I think that's prettyhard sometimes to come from
somebody else's perspective,right.
And, and trying to understandwhere somebody else's at.
It's been 25 years since I was25 years old.
It's been 27 years since, 28years since I've been Gene's
age.
Has the world changed in thelast 25 years?
(05:16):
Maybe once or twice.
Yeah, I would think so.
It's, it's a little bitdifferent of an area.
Major changes, major, any, anythoughts?
ashton (05:25):
Well to me at this point, the world just seems like
it's always changing.
Like from the time I was in highschool to now, it's very
different.
Because when I was in highschool, the world didn't know
what COVID was.
I like that.
That's a big one.
Zoom meetings.
I don't think we're even a thingfor anybody like business calls
were like a thing, but I was, Irented a truck from enterprise
(05:47):
like last week and a guy wassaying They used to have
meetings once every couplemonths because The big heads
would fly in and they'd havetheir meeting and sit down he
goes, but now I have to talk tothem every week Because we have
to zoom meetings.
So like you get something assimple as that Whereas today
like ai is a constantconversation rather than a
science fiction something orother There's a lot of a lot of
(06:10):
different things going on
dad (06:12):
Well, you know 25 years ago, I was just graduating with
my college degree.
And I remember having to do aweb assignment and I had to do
dial up, which I don't even knowwhat a dial up speed would be,
but it would be BBB.
And then all of a sudden you'dbe connected.
And the data is going acrossyour telephone line.
Super slow.
I remember if you ever had toupload something with pictures,
you're like, take me hours.
(06:33):
How do I click no on thepictures, right?
It was still very in theinfancy, very in the startup
talking to people 25 years ago.
You made long distance calls.
You don't even know what a longdistance call, right?
So to your point, Ashton dial upjeans down in Cedar city.
We're looking at him like yousit next to us.
We didn't watch worldwide eventshappen in real time.
(06:54):
You know, and these are justsome of the real basic things.
So when I look online, datingwas not a thing.
Right, there was online datingwasn't a thing there had just
started to become like forumsand some of those kind of early
adopters to that 25 years ago.
But it still wasn't very common.
I remember Ford, when I startedworking for them, had a, buy a
(07:16):
computer program.
Like you would go and build outthe specs as one of their perks
that teamed up with the company.
So that you could, they couldhelp you buy a home computer,
which was a big deal.
Now I had one because of Jasonand Jeremy, they were always
into computers at an early ageand they helped me build one out
and we'd go to the computershop.
We'd drive to the computer shopand say, I want this hard drive.
(07:37):
I want this fan.
I want this case memory, youknow, all this, and you kind of
grabbed all the pieces and builta computer.
I wouldn't even know how to dothat now.
I don't think,
gideon (07:46):
I mean, I have no idea either.
dad (07:49):
It's a puzzle that you can't mess up.
So when I come from my place ofknowledge and my place of
understanding, and I look at youguys and say, Oh, why are you
doing this?
Or why are you doing that?
As a parent, that's veryjudgmental.
And so when I'm able to stepback and have more empathy to
say, wow, the world has reallychanged.
For example, I remember when Iwas leaving my first job, I
(08:11):
approached.
Grandpa Ballard and said, Hey,I'm going to be leaving Ford
Motor Company.
And he's like, why would youever leave them?
They're huge.
You know, you get one company,you stay with them the rest of
your life and they're amazing.
Most of my friends that startedwith Ford have been laid off and
some of them in the last two orthree years, and they don't know
what to do.
They're going everything'schanged around me, you know?
So his perception versus myperception was totally
(08:33):
different, you know?
So how can I expect you guys tounderstand?
So I have with being the adult,nah, we're all adults, but with
being, having more worldexperience, I need to try harder
to have empathy and look throughyour eyes.
I liked, there was a Hinduteaching that talks about
detachment.
and I like that only because it,says, Hey, sometimes we have to
(08:53):
step back and detach ourselvesfrom somebody else's actions.
And then we're not being judged.
We're not judging if I'm not asworried about if I'm detached.
And I thought that was kind ofan interesting concept and I
needed to understand that a bit,a little bit, but I think
empathy and understanding is alittle bit different in this
fact that we're striving tounderstand where you're coming
from.
(09:14):
any more thoughts on that?
That provoke any deep ahamoments?
gene (09:17):
Yeah.
I have a kind of a question foryou, dad.
You mentioned that as we growolder, we don't need to be as
judgmental of like, oh, I can'tbelieve you did that.
Why?
Why would you ever do that?
And I'd like to propose thequestion and ask you how you
feel like we can ask the, whydid you do that in a better,
dad (09:37):
more respectful response?
Ask the question part again.
I got a little confused.
gene (09:42):
Yeah.
How could we phrase the questionbetter instead of like the, Oh,
I can't believe you did.
Like, why would you do that
dad (09:49):
to, Oh, why would you do that?
yeah.
Instead of what the heck wereyou thinking?
Can you tell me how you're, whatyou're thinking or what was your
strategy going into thatdecision?
Is that, would that be a betterway to ask that question?
I think your second one was abetter way.
Any other thoughts on that?
That's a great, great question.
ashton (10:08):
I think the way you say things to people are huge always
have, like when I'm teaching,there's always stuff that I want
to have happen and things that Iwant to get done, but like no
one ever likes having someone'swill imposed on them.
I mean, I can't say no one, butthe vast
dad (10:25):
majority of us,
ashton (10:26):
right.
But like, if I turned to Gideon.
And I said to him, Hey, standup.
He'd probably be like, why?
dad (10:34):
He didn't stand up, just for the listener.
I did not stand
ashton (10:37):
up, yeah.
But the real Slim Shady wouldhave.
Exactly.
See, get in here.
Just not the real Slim.
I'm sorry.
Oh, now he's up.
But, I want him, Say I want himto stand up because I don't know
but instead of your phrasinglike hey Would you be willing to
stand up for a second?
(10:58):
Because that in itself is takingconsideration of what he is
feeling versus me just saying,you know step two two different
things
dad (11:06):
Yeah, I like that that it is two different things and it's
simply just the the way it'sverbed, right?
Good The next thing I think thatnot judging somebody does is it
encourages open mindedness.
I think having an open minddefinitely promotes an
acceptance of diversity bysuspending some judgment.
And this is probably prettyvalid going into this political
(11:27):
season.
You might learn from others,even though you might have
different beliefs, backgrounds,and lifestyles.
I've learned a lot stepping backand, trying to be more open
minded, I used to believe thathaving an open mind, that my
mind be malleable or, changed bysomebody else.
And I'm finding out that havingan open mind helps me to just
understand people better.
How have you guys seen beingopen minded helping you in your
(11:49):
personal lives?
ashton (11:50):
For me, open mindedness just means it's not who is
right, but what is right.
Oh yeah, you said that
dad (11:55):
the other day.
Well, I was listening with thatJake,
ashton (11:58):
Jake Streck.
dad (11:59):
Yeah.
When you're talking to Jake backin episode 10, I remember you
saying this and I wanted to digin, but he was there.
Can you share some more thoughtson that?
ashton (12:06):
Well, yeah.
So like, the life experiencethat I can put it off of is.
I teach in an activity calledIndoor Drumline, and it's a very
competitive activity, but it'salso a very creative activity.
One in which you try and producethe best musical, visual,
storytelling project you can.
And when you make something likethat, there's a lot of opinions
and mindsets that go into it.
(12:28):
and for me, it's like, welleveryone's ideas come from
somewhere, and every idea hasvalidity.
And so hearing and trying allthe ideas is probably the best
option.
And it's not fun to work withsomeone creatively who just kind
of says, this is what'shappening.
Do it.
It's more fun to work withpeople where it's like, Hey,
this is what we want toaccomplish.
What are the ways we can dothat?
(12:48):
And I don't remember, it wasprobably some fortune 500
company, but I remember hearingsomeone talk about how they
would write down all these ideasin a meeting.
Everyone would take a second tomake sure that they forgot air
quotes, which ideas theysubmitted, because sometimes you
get married to an idea.
dad (13:05):
well, cause you feel validated.
I've been in those meetingswhere it's like, Hey, this is my
idea.
If I can persuade you guys.
And I'm, my idea is valid.
ashton (13:14):
and so if you come across the creative decision and
I've said something that Iliked, or you've said something
that That you liked, but Iwasn't really with, but it turns
out to be the right solution.
that's okay.
And it doesn't matter whose ideait was because we came to the
best creative solution.
And being married to your ownideas always limits the amount
of creative exposure that youcan have for me.
(13:37):
so it makes more sense to bewilling to consider all
perspectives, which then leads.
just more free flowing ideas.
dad (13:45):
So your quote again is, it's
ashton (13:47):
It's not about who is right, but what is right.
dad (13:50):
Yeah.
ashton (13:51):
because when you're trying to find out who is right,
it becomes a competition.
But if, when you're trying tofind out what is right, it
becomes collaboration, which isdifferent.
dad (14:02):
What I love that we're talking about that because that
open mindedness in business aswe've gone to more zoom meetings
and more online and we're notalways face to face, sometimes
we get so married to our ideas.
We're like, let's just get thisdone.
Let's get this done.
And we're losing some of thatcreativity and some of that
uniqueness that makes us specialas a group.
And that also leads to thatdiversity, It leads to more of
(14:23):
that creativity.
As we step back and we're ableto listen and understand and to
hear, it brings up to the topwhat's best.
I don't, yeah, that'sinteresting.
I would also think that, youknow, taking a little bit of a,
political turn on it a littlebit, sometimes we get so
invested in a candidate or aperson that we have a hard time
seeing the ideal that that,group is pushing is probably
(14:46):
still not something that wereally believe in.
Right.
Was it right?
Yeah, but your right was right.
My right was wrong.
Sure Yeah, that's a good point.
Okay, so encourages openmindedness any other advantages
of being open minded For thosewho have different beliefs or
backgrounds.
Well, and you can think about itin a scholastic
ashton (15:05):
sense to like You go to school Objectively to learn
something from someone but ifyou You I don't know if this
happens everywhere, but likeI've noticed sometimes in
creative spaces that someonegoes to learn from someone, for
example how to play better,sometimes, myself included, you
think, no I already know, like ateacher will tell you to do
(15:26):
something different than you'veever done it before, and you'll
be like, no, I kind of alreadyknow what I'm doing, and then
all of a sudden it's like, wellthen why go to, why not go to
class, why you go to school, youalready know it all, and so,
like in school, open mindedness,if you don't have open
mindedness, there's no point.
Because the whole point withopen mindedness is to gain more
information from the outsideworld.
dad (15:47):
Yeah, I'm on Reddit a lot, interacting with our listener.
And it's always interesting tome when I offer or a thought,
and the other person doesn'trespond or says, Well, that's
not going to work.
I'm like, okay, cool.
You didn't even try it.
You didn't think about it.
You were so quick to say that'snot going to work.
You know, it's kind of funHinduism because I mentioned,
we're going to talk a little bitabout that one of their verses
(16:10):
says you have a right to performyour prescribed duties, but you
are not entitled to the fruitsof your actions.
Never consider yourself to bethe cause of the results of your
activities, nor be attached toinaction.
And I thought that was prettyspot on to what you're just
saying, Ashton, where, Hey, youcan have these ideas.
(16:31):
You can do all you can do, butit's not all you.
It's not because you're betterthan somebody else.
And I think that's where we comefrom.
Place of judgment is, Hey, Iknow what's right.
And I do for me, that's great.
March forward.
But some people have a differentperspective.
There's something else that'sgoing on.
Something else is shaping theirlife.
Now as a dad we can save thatpart because a dad I'm always
(16:53):
gonna When you ask I'll give youmy honest opinion of how I see
the situation with my wisdom andexperience So I don't want the
listener to discredit theirparent.
However as a parent, I also askyou to think Has things changed?
Do I need to be a little bitmore understanding?
Do I need to be a little bitmore open minded and have a
longer dialogue?
Because sometimes understandingwhere that person at is the
(17:13):
hardest part All right.
Cool.
Yeah.
It
gene (17:16):
brings me to a quote that I've heard and I'd like to share
here is that they don't care howmuch you know until they know
how much you care.
And I feel like that flows intothat, respect and that open
mindedness to learn.
It has to go both ways becauseif one person already expects
that they know the correctsolution going into it,
(17:37):
nothing's going to change fromthe conversation.
It's not going to do anything.
dad (17:41):
great observation, Gene.
The next one is it reducesstress and conflict.
Constantly judging others cancreate tension and conflict in a
relationship.
Do you believe that's true ornot?
Or where have you seen that comein play?
Any thoughts on where?
And this one might be hard.
I guess I didn't reallyunderstand the question.
No, that's good.
I think you and Gene were makingeyes at each other.
(18:02):
Googly eyes.
No.
I was looking at myself.
See look, there I am judging.
And I'm only looking as a secondscreen over.
Here's a good point, Ashton.
Letting go of judgment canalleviate stress and promote
peaceful interactions as youfocus on accepting people for
who they are rather thancritiquing or condemning them.
What I mean by that is, as wefind fault in others It leads to
(18:23):
more stress and conflict.
By not judging others, how wouldthat reduce that stress and
conflict?
Or by judging others, how haveyou seen, and that's probably
the question I want to ask.
How have you seen yourself havemore stress or conflict with
others because you judge them?
My first one that I think of isdriving down the street.
You know, somebody pulls out infront of me, I'm automatically
(18:45):
judging them.
Are you an idiot?
Can you not see down the street?
You know, what would make youthink your car is going to go
from 0 to 75 miles an hour whenit's an old Ford Pinto?
ashton (18:53):
Can do it.
dad (18:54):
Right.
But the chances of you doing itare pretty slim, right?
If I could reduce that, itreduces my stress immediately.
If I'm not pre judging how thatother person should be, act, my
stress is done.
I struggle with that being alittle bit apathetic, but I do
believe that there's somefreedom in that not judging.
ashton (19:13):
Does it still count as judging?
If I turn it into a game so Ican pass them and give them the
most like Sarcastic thumbs upand smile I've ever given them
like yeah, good job.
Oh, you're really good.
Oh, you're really really coolOh, you've changed it from a
loser to the thumbs up Yeah,well because one like they can
make their day better or theycan be like, yeah Just funny cuz
at that point they get tochoose.
(19:34):
They don't know what I'mthinking Like if I, if I give
him like an L or like an angryface, it'd be like, Oh, he's mad
at me and he's wrong.
But if you give him a thumbs up,they're like, wait a minute,
wait, what's going on here?
dad (19:43):
Is he really happy with me or was he really irritated with
me?
ashton (19:46):
And that is more fun.
dad (19:48):
Yeah.
Here, here's a great examplethat apparent I perceive.
I know I did it.
Gideon, is your room clean?
Gideon, get up for school.
Gideon, let's get out the door.
Can you start freaking out for asecond?
I was like it's pretty clean.
But then if I take it to thenext, I'm telling you what to
do, then if I go, oh, my kid'sso lazy, my kid's so this, or my
(20:10):
kid's so that, I'm starting tojudge.
Does that increase stress andconflict in our relationship?
Yeah.
Absolutely it does.
And is there sometimes thatmaybe it warrants a conversation
to say, Hey, if you do this,this would be better for you.
Sure.
But in a place of growing andunderstanding, not always of
criticizing and complaining.
(20:30):
Right?
So if we took the other two and,and stride and said, okay, I
want to be empathetic andunderstanding.
Okay.
Stayed up late.
He has an early morning, youknow, whatever.
I'm open mindedness to some ofthis.
You brought me some studies highschoolers need more sleep.
Therefore.
I need to sleep in you know,whatever so I'm more empathetic
Now I can reduce that stress andbe less judgmental
ashton (20:52):
if you've accepted the evidence
dad (20:54):
That's fair.
And I think it's a good time todiscuss the evidence at that
point in time When a Gideon'sstances was a school has no
value because they're raisingfactory workers you remember
this conversation?
gideon (21:05):
We've probably had this conversation multiple times
ashton (21:08):
Yep, so it appears that you're still at odds.
Are we at odds?
gideon (21:13):
I mean if you think I'm wrong
dad (21:16):
What is my stance been to you do I care whether we're
creating factory workers or notDo you understand where I'm
coming from yet?
Just curious.
I
gideon (21:23):
can't remember your point.
I feel like it's been a while.
Gene, we're going to watch themfight.
You ready?
My
dad (21:28):
point is, and this is all I want to understand, is I don't
care how you do it, if it'sschool or if it's online or
whatever.
I just want you to learn tolearn.
That's all I care about.
And that makes sense.
So we're in agreement.
Dad's right.
Go to school.
ashton (21:43):
Wait, hold on.
It's not about who is right.
See, you missed that part.
Oh yeah, you missed that part.
I
gideon (21:49):
agree that the point of learning to learn is good, not
that school teaches that verywell.
dad (21:55):
That, and, and that's where we get into that whole debate on
the way we're teaching.
Is it Utah history or USHistory?
Maybe it's both.
Where you just go through andcheck off the boxes and you fill
out
ashton (22:06):
Utah History class is worthless.
gideon (22:08):
It was so stupid.
ashton (22:10):
PG Junior, you gotta fix it.
dad (22:12):
Because you just had to go find the three words in order
and, and, and, or the, and, orwhatever.
ashton (22:17):
If we haven't told our listeners this, this is wild.
Our Utah history class, you'dwalk in, the lights would always
be off.
And there would just be a stackof packets.
And they would be the script ofa movie, but there would be like
blank lines.
And then the whole grade of theclass is you walk in, you listen
to the movie, and the momentthere's a blank on your page,
you just fill in the word.
(22:39):
And we did that for two to threehours a week.
And that was it.
gideon (22:42):
And it wasn't good movies.
No.
Like oftentimes it wasn't aboutUtah history.
It was just a random old, movie.
ashton (22:49):
I think the only requirement is it had to be on
VHS
gideon (22:52):
and sepia.
Yeah.
On a 10 inch TV in the corner ofthe room and you're in the back.
I can't see this garbageanyways.
So
dad (23:02):
And that's where Gideon and I can have open mindedness.
We cannot judge.
No.
gideon (23:06):
No, I'm judging hardcore.
That was dumb.
dad (23:08):
So here's my question.
Do you have stress thinkingabout it?
Ashton putting his his hands onhis face right there in that
moment said it still causesstress.
ashton (23:15):
It's just so dumb.
Just, I just can't imaginethinking, nevermind.
gideon (23:20):
Do you not feel bad for the kids, dad?
I feel bad for the kids.
That's what my favorite kidsfilm.
It's about the kids.
Think of the children.
It's about the kids.
It's
ashton (23:28):
about the kids.
He can say that now that he'snot there.
It's no longer about him, it'sabout the kids.
It's about the kids.
That's awesome.
dad (23:35):
I was in
ashton (23:36):
that same building, I almost went to the principal's
office because I crushed fakeweed.
dad (23:39):
What?
A new story.
ashton (23:42):
It's a true story.
And when we talk about honestymaybe we can talk about that
one.
Okay.
Basically there was a bag oforegano, we were doing court,
and when the jury was insession, the teacher was in the
hallway with the jury, Me and acouple of other hooligans took
the evidence, which was, again,a bag of oregano, smashed it
with the judge's gavel, and thenwhen the teacher came back in,
(24:02):
she was furious, or he, it was ahe, he was furious, and then the
group of kids that I was withwere gonna blame it on just some
random girl in the class, andso, I took the blame for it, and
he was like, I should have youexpelled, and I was kind of
like, brother, this is oregano,you can relax a little bit, it's
not your actual weed, chill,
dad (24:21):
if he had his actual weed, he probably would have been so
stressed.
Well, it's funny because our
ashton (24:25):
whole, our whole thing, the whole thing, I have no idea
what weed looked like in juniorhigh.
That's just kind of how I grewup.
But the guys that were doing itwere like, this isn't how weed
looks.
Weeds more squishy.
And so anyway.
gideon (24:37):
All right.
That's how they squished it tolook like
ashton (24:39):
weed.
My open mindedness allowed me toparticipate, but it also got me
in trouble.
dad (24:44):
Yeah.
And this is great.
And I think if we could stopjudging our junior highs.
History teacher.
We could eliminate some ofthose.
We're both history teachers.
ashton (24:52):
That's actually a really good point.
Perfect.
PG junior fixture historyprogram.
So you get for hiring.
It's about the kids.
So you get for hiring sportscoaches as academic teachers
anyway.
dad (25:05):
Okay.
So Hinduism teaches usdetachment and that's what I'm
going to talk about on this.
We need to emphasize detachmentfrom the fruits of one's
actions.
Judgment often derives fromattachment to outcomes or
expectations.
You expected to love history.
You expected not to get judged.
(25:26):
And I can't say this with astraight face.
So you have to detach yourselffrom some of that stress,
Ashton.
Just a segue.
Well, Hinduism.
Hinduism.
Gene, you'll have to fix that inediting.
Good luck.
fourth one, and I think this isthe reality for me as a parent
that I can work the most on it,fosters personal growth.
(25:46):
When I refrain from judgingothers, I am free to change my
rigid thinking patterns of thepast.
This can allow me to havepersonal growth and awareness
and know what's going on aroundme.
And I think that's part ofbecoming an adult is having
personal awareness.
When you're little, the worldrevolves around you.
Literally, your parents arepicking you up.
(26:06):
They're feeding you.
They're taking care of everywhim and need.
Then as you grow, you start todo more and more on your own.
And at some point in time, youget to start focusing on your
own journey of self improvement.
But if I'm so busy judgingothers, then I'm probably
worried that they're judging me.
That's a, that's a great thoughtdad.
gene (26:25):
And it reminded me of a, another quote.
But this one was there's,there's two ways to build the
tallest tower in a city.
option.
Number one, you build thetallest tower in the city.
You just keep building, keepbuilding it until it's the
tallest tower.
But the other option is you
dad (26:43):
knock down all the other buildings until yours becomes
the tallest.
And then do you take theirbricks or do you just, no.
Well, I
ashton (26:50):
mean, second, second one is surefire.
dad (26:53):
I do like that gene and it forces us to think internally
instead of externally.
Right?
Because if I'm thinkingexternally, I'm always knocking
down somebody else's tower.
And that's really what I'm doingby judging others.
If I would stop and say, okay,let me build and work on my own
tower on my own sturdiness.
And you know what, if I wassmart, I'd turn to the guy who's
building also a tall tower andtry and build a relationship and
(27:16):
say, Hey, how, how are yougetting that support?
Set up and then I'm trying toget and learn and grow and
develop by learning from othersby being open minded So really
the four stages are promoteempathy and understanding
encourage open mindednessreduces stress and fosters
personal growth and I thinkthere's a reason why we've been
taught these and they're taughtin all the different religions
(27:37):
is because We really took themto heart.
We would have a more unified anda better society The less we
spent time judging others andspent that time working on
oneself and looking inward Iwould like to challenge the
parents that listen to this, tostrive, to understand where your
kids are coming from.
Try to be more empathetic, tryto be open minded.
(27:57):
It's hard.
And then realize that justbecause your son or daughter
does something that, youwouldn't have done, doesn't mean
it's a bad decision, right?
It's actually pretty good.
How many times did I tell you toquit marching bandaging your
head?
Because you felt like peoplewere picking on you probably too
many times.
And you kept pushing through andyou're like, dad, this is what I
want to do.
I'm like, cool.
You know, you would have hatedit.
It would have been a horribledecision for you.
(28:20):
Maybe, I don't know.
Are you glad you kept doingwatching Ben?
Yeah.
Did you learn something from allthose different experiences
where you were, where you'reforced down a different path?
ashton (28:28):
Yeah, I think so.
dad (28:29):
Yeah, I definitely think so.
I know so.
It was one I used forinspiration forever I had it up
on my wall when I was goingthrough a hard time at a job I'm
like Ashton a marching band andsomebody goes what's that about?
And I said, oh, it's just a funstory
ashton (28:41):
Yeah,
dad (28:41):
but I had to remind myself to my even though I didn't see
the consequence of what my bosswas doing It was helping me grow
I get in being able to do somany different activities
instead of saying getting youshould just stay with soccer
You're really good at soccer andpeople go why is Gideon leaving?
You I'm like don't judge him.
I can't i'm not going to judgehim Right.
So there's all these times thatthat we've looked at and said we
the less we judge our childrenThe better off they have a
(29:05):
chance to find their own way anddevelop their own core
competency strength
gene (29:09):
so I'd like to challenge our listeners and invite them to
be more conscious about how youare judging and maybe some of
the ways that you may be doingit and to more consciously avoid
it.
And if you have experiences orstruggles or this has brought to
light some of the Things thatyou have been dealing with we'd
(29:31):
love to hear about it on ourmany different social media
platforms kitty and what all dowe have?
gideon (29:36):
so we have a subreddit group.
We have facebook instagram justdms on there and we'd love to
share and we can even share onthis podcast All your different
experiences if you want us to orIf you need help,
dad (29:49):
we can always offer up our thoughts, thank you.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of Adulting
Decrypted.
We really enjoyed having thisweek's conversation and we hope
you did as well.
If you ever want to comment onour topics, you can send us a
message through our websiteadultingdecrypted.
com, our email adultingdecryptedat gmail.
(30:10):
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at Adulting Decrypted.
If you have any topics for theshow that you would like us to
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something your kid should know,send us a message on any of the
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If you would like to be a guestor have an idea for someone you
think we should have on ourshow, feel free to send us an
(30:32):
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(30:54):
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(31:17):
positive reviews.
Alright, alright, alright.
Ashby, wanna kill that one?
Welcome to Adulting Decrypted.
We are your hosts.
I'm Gene, and I'm starting myfirst year of college.
I'm Ashton.
I'm a music performer, composer,and educator.
I'm Gene, a high school senior.
I'm Roscoe, the dad.
Those are my three sons, andthis is Adulting Decrypted,
where we discuss ways to becomeadults and the things we need to
(00:22):
know to be successful in life.
dad (00:26):
So I was thinking the other day as a parent it's apparent
from the joke that we heard.
How can you tell if it's a dadjoke?
gideon (00:33):
If it's
dad (00:33):
apparent.
If it's an apparent, apparent.
If it's an apparent.
So the other day as I was goingthrough, I realized that
something happens and I don'teven realize that I'm doing it
and what it is.
This is probably more of aparent episode, but it's going
to be good for our listeners aswell.
How often do we find ourselvesjudging others too often?
I think I agree with Jean.
(00:54):
Right often.
Yeah, I was here's a thoughtwhen was the last time you
judged someone or something Ifyou can think of it anybody
anything come to mind quick Ijust judged that guy for driving
down the motorcycle to drivendown the street too fast on his
motorcycle
ashton (01:08):
a jerk
dad (01:10):
anybody else We're
gideon (01:11):
talking like bad judging right?
dad (01:13):
I don't know just any judgment.
gene (01:15):
Sorry, As far as a positive judging, one thing I'd
say is when I was leaving myapartment today to go shopping,
there was a police officer thatwas looking around and I was
like, Oh yeah, sweet.
I'm safe.
Like, it's fine.
dad (01:30):
So I wasn't too worried about it.
No, that's, that's cool.
I hadn't thought of that one,but that's a good point.
You made a judgment call, right?
But maybe that cop was lookingto arrest you.
You don't know.
Hopefully not.
Not again.
And Ashton said again, I don'tknow if you heard that or not.
gene (01:45):
I mean, I was a suspect to a crime once, but that was at a
Home Depot.
dad (01:51):
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that.
I
gene (01:52):
was quickly outruled.
That
dad (01:54):
was like, was that right after you got home from your
mission?
gene (01:57):
That was before.
When
dad (01:58):
you had the long
gene (01:59):
hippie hair?
Yup.
And I was wearing a hat.
That was the problem.
I was just wearing a hat.
ashton (02:05):
If you're wearing a hat, you're a known hooligan.
Or sure.
dad (02:09):
No.
ashton (02:09):
Look at Gideon.
dad (02:10):
That's why Gideon's always sprouting the hat.
Sprouting the hat?
Sporting the hat.
gideon (02:14):
I'm quite the known hooligan.
ashton (02:16):
That's the most baseball you've ever looked in your life.
I know.
dad (02:20):
I think that's got to be one of our new clips.
I'm the most hooligan, hooliganthing.
Stop it right now.
Stop it
ashton (02:28):
right now.
dad (02:30):
Well, the, the reason why I thought of, of judgment is, is I
believe as a parent there'stimes that I look at you guys.
And say, Oh, if I was them, Iwould be doing something
different or I'd be do actingthis way or I'd try and do this
a different way.
So I'm kind of taking thejudgment more Jean, maybe as a
little bit like reasons we maybeshouldn't or negative.
(02:52):
In Matthew seven, when welearned judge, not that you be
not judged, right?
So that would be a Christianversion of Christianity's
version.
I also looked up a couple otherthings that I thought were
pretty interesting.
Islam in the Koran.
4911, it says, Oh, you who havebelieved, let not a people
ridicule you people ridiculepeople.
(03:12):
Perhaps they may be better thanthem, nor let woman ridicule
woman.
Perhaps there may be better thanthem.
And do not insult one anotherand do not call each other by
offensive names.
So I, you know, I thought ofthat and I'm like, Hmm, that's
interesting.
And we'll get a couple morescriptures in there as well
Islam.
Buddhism and some hinduism justbecause I think it's quite
(03:34):
interesting But then I thoughtwhy why like modern science and
what is it teaching us aboutjudgment?
There's four main things reallythat Not judging others can help
us do it promotes empathy andunderstanding encourages open
mindedness Reduces stress andfosters personal growth are the
four key subjects of tonight tokeep it pretty simple how would
(03:56):
You Judging or not judging whenyou refrain from judging others.
How does that promote empathyand understanding?
But well, first off what is whatis empathy?
We'll give action a second.
We'll get the Google definitionof empathy.
Isn't that how we normally dothis?
Always,
ashton (04:11):
I love it Empathy is just the ability to understand
and share the feelings withsomebody or of somebody
dad (04:19):
so I think The question being,
ashton (04:22):
how does having empathy stop you from judging somebody?
Is that what it was?
Yeah, it's
dad (04:26):
along those lines, yeah.
ashton (04:27):
Well I think if you're able to understand why someone
has done a thing, it stops youfrom judging for them for making
the decision that they did.
So.
having the ability to see theirperspective stops you from
going, well, you should havedone this because if you truly
understand where they're comingfrom or can empathize with their
(04:51):
feelings, you're on their leveland you have no reason to judge
them because you're on the samepage.
dad (04:55):
I like that.
And then I think that's prettyhard sometimes to come from
somebody else's perspective,right.
And, and trying to understandwhere somebody else's at.
It's been 25 years since I was25 years old.
It's been 27 years since, 28years since I've been Gene's
age.
Has the world changed in thelast 25 years?
(05:16):
Maybe once or twice.
Yeah, I would think so.
It's, it's a little bitdifferent of an area.
Major changes, major, any, anythoughts?
ashton (05:25):
Well to me at this point, the world just seems like
it's always changing.
Like from the time I was in highschool to now, it's very
different.
Because when I was in highschool, the world didn't know
what COVID was.
I like that.
That's a big one.
Zoom meetings.
I don't think we're even a thingfor anybody like business calls
were like a thing, but I was, Irented a truck from enterprise
(05:47):
like last week and a guy wassaying They used to have
meetings once every couplemonths because The big heads
would fly in and they'd havetheir meeting and sit down he
goes, but now I have to talk tothem every week Because we have
to zoom meetings.
So like you get something assimple as that Whereas today
like ai is a constantconversation rather than a
science fiction something orother There's a lot of a lot of
(06:10):
different things going on
dad (06:12):
Well, you know 25 years ago, I was just graduating with
my college degree.
And I remember having to do aweb assignment and I had to do
dial up, which I don't even knowwhat a dial up speed would be,
but it would be BBB.
And then all of a sudden you'dbe connected.
And the data is going acrossyour telephone line.
Super slow.
I remember if you ever had toupload something with pictures,
you're like, take me hours.
(06:33):
How do I click no on thepictures, right?
It was still very in theinfancy, very in the startup
talking to people 25 years ago.
You made long distance calls.
You don't even know what a longdistance call, right?
So to your point, Ashton dial upjeans down in Cedar city.
We're looking at him like yousit next to us.
We didn't watch worldwide eventshappen in real time.
(06:54):
You know, and these are justsome of the real basic things.
So when I look online, datingwas not a thing.
Right, there was online datingwasn't a thing there had just
started to become like forumsand some of those kind of early
adopters to that 25 years ago.
But it still wasn't very common.
I remember Ford, when I startedworking for them, had a, buy a
(07:16):
computer program.
Like you would go and build outthe specs as one of their perks
that teamed up with the company.
So that you could, they couldhelp you buy a home computer,
which was a big deal.
Now I had one because of Jasonand Jeremy, they were always
into computers at an early ageand they helped me build one out
and we'd go to the computershop.
We'd drive to the computer shopand say, I want this hard drive.
(07:37):
I want this fan.
I want this case memory, youknow, all this, and you kind of
grabbed all the pieces and builta computer.
I wouldn't even know how to dothat now.
I don't think,
gideon (07:46):
I mean, I have no idea either.
dad (07:49):
It's a puzzle that you can't mess up.
So when I come from my place ofknowledge and my place of
understanding, and I look at youguys and say, Oh, why are you
doing this?
Or why are you doing that?
As a parent, that's veryjudgmental.
And so when I'm able to stepback and have more empathy to
say, wow, the world has reallychanged.
For example, I remember when Iwas leaving my first job, I
(08:11):
approached.
Grandpa Ballard and said, Hey,I'm going to be leaving Ford
Motor Company.
And he's like, why would youever leave them?
They're huge.
You know, you get one company,you stay with them the rest of
your life and they're amazing.
Most of my friends that startedwith Ford have been laid off and
some of them in the last two orthree years, and they don't know
what to do.
They're going everything'schanged around me, you know?
So his perception versus myperception was totally
(08:33):
different, you know?
So how can I expect you guys tounderstand?
So I have with being the adult,nah, we're all adults, but with
being, having more worldexperience, I need to try harder
to have empathy and look throughyour eyes.
I liked, there was a Hinduteaching that talks about
detachment.
and I like that only because it,says, Hey, sometimes we have to
(08:53):
step back and detach ourselvesfrom somebody else's actions.
And then we're not being judged.
We're not judging if I'm not asworried about if I'm detached.
And I thought that was kind ofan interesting concept and I
needed to understand that a bit,a little bit, but I think
empathy and understanding is alittle bit different in this
fact that we're striving tounderstand where you're coming
from.
(09:14):
any more thoughts on that?
That provoke any deep ahamoments?
gene (09:17):
Yeah.
I have a kind of a question foryou, dad.
You mentioned that as we growolder, we don't need to be as
judgmental of like, oh, I can'tbelieve you did that.
Why?
Why would you ever do that?
And I'd like to propose thequestion and ask you how you
feel like we can ask the, whydid you do that in a better,
dad (09:37):
more respectful response?
Ask the question part again.
I got a little confused.
gene (09:42):
Yeah.
How could we phrase the questionbetter instead of like the, Oh,
I can't believe you did.
Like, why would you do that
dad (09:49):
to, Oh, why would you do that?
yeah.
Instead of what the heck wereyou thinking?
Can you tell me how you're, whatyou're thinking or what was your
strategy going into thatdecision?
Is that, would that be a betterway to ask that question?
I think your second one was abetter way.
Any other thoughts on that?
That's a great, great question.
ashton (10:08):
I think the way you say things to people are huge always
have, like when I'm teaching,there's always stuff that I want
to have happen and things that Iwant to get done, but like no
one ever likes having someone'swill imposed on them.
I mean, I can't say no one, butthe vast
dad (10:25):
majority of us,
ashton (10:26):
right.
But like, if I turned to Gideon.
And I said to him, Hey, standup.
He'd probably be like, why?
dad (10:34):
He didn't stand up, just for the listener.
I did not stand
ashton (10:37):
up, yeah.
But the real Slim Shady wouldhave.
Exactly.
See, get in here.
Just not the real Slim.
I'm sorry.
Oh, now he's up.
But, I want him, Say I want himto stand up because I don't know
but instead of your phrasinglike hey Would you be willing to
stand up for a second?
(10:58):
Because that in itself is takingconsideration of what he is
feeling versus me just saying,you know step two two different
things
dad (11:06):
Yeah, I like that that it is two different things and it's
simply just the the way it'sverbed, right?
Good The next thing I think thatnot judging somebody does is it
encourages open mindedness.
I think having an open minddefinitely promotes an
acceptance of diversity bysuspending some judgment.
And this is probably prettyvalid going into this political
(11:27):
season.
You might learn from others,even though you might have
different beliefs, backgrounds,and lifestyles.
I've learned a lot stepping backand, trying to be more open
minded, I used to believe thathaving an open mind, that my
mind be malleable or, changed bysomebody else.
And I'm finding out that havingan open mind helps me to just
understand people better.
How have you guys seen beingopen minded helping you in your
(11:49):
personal lives?
ashton (11:50):
For me, open mindedness just means it's not who is
right, but what is right.
Oh yeah, you said that
dad (11:55):
the other day.
Well, I was listening with thatJake,
ashton (11:58):
Jake Streck.
dad (11:59):
Yeah.
When you're talking to Jake backin episode 10, I remember you
saying this and I wanted to digin, but he was there.
Can you share some more thoughtson that?
ashton (12:06):
Well, yeah.
So like, the life experiencethat I can put it off of is.
I teach in an activity calledIndoor Drumline, and it's a very
competitive activity, but it'salso a very creative activity.
One in which you try and producethe best musical, visual,
storytelling project you can.
And when you make something likethat, there's a lot of opinions
and mindsets that go into it.
(12:28):
and for me, it's like, welleveryone's ideas come from
somewhere, and every idea hasvalidity.
And so hearing and trying allthe ideas is probably the best
option.
And it's not fun to work withsomeone creatively who just kind
of says, this is what'shappening.
Do it.
It's more fun to work withpeople where it's like, Hey,
this is what we want toaccomplish.
What are the ways we can dothat?
(12:48):
And I don't remember, it wasprobably some fortune 500
company, but I remember hearingsomeone talk about how they
would write down all these ideasin a meeting.
Everyone would take a second tomake sure that they forgot air
quotes, which ideas theysubmitted, because sometimes you
get married to an idea.
dad (13:05):
well, cause you feel validated.
I've been in those meetingswhere it's like, Hey, this is my
idea.
If I can persuade you guys.
And I'm, my idea is valid.
ashton (13:14):
and so if you come across the creative decision and
I've said something that Iliked, or you've said something
that That you liked, but Iwasn't really with, but it turns
out to be the right solution.
that's okay.
And it doesn't matter whose ideait was because we came to the
best creative solution.
And being married to your ownideas always limits the amount
of creative exposure that youcan have for me.
(13:37):
so it makes more sense to bewilling to consider all
perspectives, which then leads.
just more free flowing ideas.
dad (13:45):
So your quote again is, it's
ashton (13:47):
It's not about who is right, but what is right.
dad (13:50):
Yeah.
ashton (13:51):
because when you're trying to find out who is right,
it becomes a competition.
But if, when you're trying tofind out what is right, it
becomes collaboration, which isdifferent.
dad (14:02):
What I love that we're talking about that because that
open mindedness in business aswe've gone to more zoom meetings
and more online and we're notalways face to face, sometimes
we get so married to our ideas.
We're like, let's just get thisdone.
Let's get this done.
And we're losing some of thatcreativity and some of that
uniqueness that makes us specialas a group.
And that also leads to thatdiversity, It leads to more of
(14:23):
that creativity.
As we step back and we're ableto listen and understand and to
hear, it brings up to the topwhat's best.
I don't, yeah, that'sinteresting.
I would also think that, youknow, taking a little bit of a,
political turn on it a littlebit, sometimes we get so
invested in a candidate or aperson that we have a hard time
seeing the ideal that that,group is pushing is probably
(14:46):
still not something that wereally believe in.
Right.
Was it right?
Yeah, but your right was right.
My right was wrong.
Sure Yeah, that's a good point.
Okay, so encourages openmindedness any other advantages
of being open minded For thosewho have different beliefs or
backgrounds.
Well, and you can think about itin a scholastic
ashton (15:05):
sense to like You go to school Objectively to learn
something from someone but ifyou You I don't know if this
happens everywhere, but likeI've noticed sometimes in
creative spaces that someonegoes to learn from someone, for
example how to play better,sometimes, myself included, you
think, no I already know, like ateacher will tell you to do
(15:26):
something different than you'veever done it before, and you'll
be like, no, I kind of alreadyknow what I'm doing, and then
all of a sudden it's like, wellthen why go to, why not go to
class, why you go to school, youalready know it all, and so,
like in school, open mindedness,if you don't have open
mindedness, there's no point.
Because the whole point withopen mindedness is to gain more
information from the outsideworld.
dad (15:47):
Yeah, I'm on Reddit a lot, interacting with our listener.
And it's always interesting tome when I offer or a thought,
and the other person doesn'trespond or says, Well, that's
not going to work.
I'm like, okay, cool.
You didn't even try it.
You didn't think about it.
You were so quick to say that'snot going to work.
You know, it's kind of funHinduism because I mentioned,
we're going to talk a little bitabout that one of their verses
(16:10):
says you have a right to performyour prescribed duties, but you
are not entitled to the fruitsof your actions.
Never consider yourself to bethe cause of the results of your
activities, nor be attached toinaction.
And I thought that was prettyspot on to what you're just
saying, Ashton, where, Hey, youcan have these ideas.
(16:31):
You can do all you can do, butit's not all you.
It's not because you're betterthan somebody else.
And I think that's where we comefrom.
Place of judgment is, Hey, Iknow what's right.
And I do for me, that's great.
March forward.
But some people have a differentperspective.
There's something else that'sgoing on.
Something else is shaping theirlife.
Now as a dad we can save thatpart because a dad I'm always
(16:53):
gonna When you ask I'll give youmy honest opinion of how I see
the situation with my wisdom andexperience So I don't want the
listener to discredit theirparent.
However as a parent, I also askyou to think Has things changed?
Do I need to be a little bitmore understanding?
Do I need to be a little bitmore open minded and have a
longer dialogue?
Because sometimes understandingwhere that person at is the
(17:13):
hardest part All right.
Cool.
Yeah.
It
gene (17:16):
brings me to a quote that I've heard and I'd like to share
here is that they don't care howmuch you know until they know
how much you care.
And I feel like that flows intothat, respect and that open
mindedness to learn.
It has to go both ways becauseif one person already expects
that they know the correctsolution going into it,
(17:37):
nothing's going to change fromthe conversation.
It's not going to do anything.
dad (17:41):
great observation, Gene.
The next one is it reducesstress and conflict.
Constantly judging others cancreate tension and conflict in a
relationship.
Do you believe that's true ornot?
Or where have you seen that comein play?
Any thoughts on where?
And this one might be hard.
I guess I didn't reallyunderstand the question.
No, that's good.
I think you and Gene were makingeyes at each other.
(18:02):
Googly eyes.
No.
I was looking at myself.
See look, there I am judging.
And I'm only looking as a secondscreen over.
Here's a good point, Ashton.
Letting go of judgment canalleviate stress and promote
peaceful interactions as youfocus on accepting people for
who they are rather thancritiquing or condemning them.
What I mean by that is, as wefind fault in others It leads to
(18:23):
more stress and conflict.
By not judging others, how wouldthat reduce that stress and
conflict?
Or by judging others, how haveyou seen, and that's probably
the question I want to ask.
How have you seen yourself havemore stress or conflict with
others because you judge them?
My first one that I think of isdriving down the street.
You know, somebody pulls out infront of me, I'm automatically
(18:45):
judging them.
Are you an idiot?
Can you not see down the street?
You know, what would make youthink your car is going to go
from 0 to 75 miles an hour whenit's an old Ford Pinto?
ashton (18:53):
Can do it.
dad (18:54):
Right.
But the chances of you doing itare pretty slim, right?
If I could reduce that, itreduces my stress immediately.
If I'm not pre judging how thatother person should be, act, my
stress is done.
I struggle with that being alittle bit apathetic, but I do
believe that there's somefreedom in that not judging.
ashton (19:13):
Does it still count as judging?
If I turn it into a game so Ican pass them and give them the
most like Sarcastic thumbs upand smile I've ever given them
like yeah, good job.
Oh, you're really good.
Oh, you're really really coolOh, you've changed it from a
loser to the thumbs up Yeah,well because one like they can
make their day better or theycan be like, yeah Just funny cuz
at that point they get tochoose.
(19:34):
They don't know what I'mthinking Like if I, if I give
him like an L or like an angryface, it'd be like, Oh, he's mad
at me and he's wrong.
But if you give him a thumbs up,they're like, wait a minute,
wait, what's going on here?
dad (19:43):
Is he really happy with me or was he really irritated with
me?
ashton (19:46):
And that is more fun.
dad (19:48):
Yeah.
Here, here's a great examplethat apparent I perceive.
I know I did it.
Gideon, is your room clean?
Gideon, get up for school.
Gideon, let's get out the door.
Can you start freaking out for asecond?
I was like it's pretty clean.
But then if I take it to thenext, I'm telling you what to
do, then if I go, oh, my kid'sso lazy, my kid's so this, or my
(20:10):
kid's so that, I'm starting tojudge.
Does that increase stress andconflict in our relationship?
Yeah.
Absolutely it does.
And is there sometimes thatmaybe it warrants a conversation
to say, Hey, if you do this,this would be better for you.
Sure.
But in a place of growing andunderstanding, not always of
criticizing and complaining.
(20:30):
Right?
So if we took the other two and,and stride and said, okay, I
want to be empathetic andunderstanding.
Okay.
Stayed up late.
He has an early morning, youknow, whatever.
I'm open mindedness to some ofthis.
You brought me some studies highschoolers need more sleep.
Therefore.
I need to sleep in you know,whatever so I'm more empathetic
Now I can reduce that stress andbe less judgmental
ashton (20:52):
if you've accepted the evidence
dad (20:54):
That's fair.
And I think it's a good time todiscuss the evidence at that
point in time When a Gideon'sstances was a school has no
value because they're raisingfactory workers you remember
this conversation?
gideon (21:05):
We've probably had this conversation multiple times
ashton (21:08):
Yep, so it appears that you're still at odds.
Are we at odds?
gideon (21:13):
I mean if you think I'm wrong
dad (21:16):
What is my stance been to you do I care whether we're
creating factory workers or notDo you understand where I'm
coming from yet?
Just curious.
I
gideon (21:23):
can't remember your point.
I feel like it's been a while.
Gene, we're going to watch themfight.
You ready?
My
dad (21:28):
point is, and this is all I want to understand, is I don't
care how you do it, if it'sschool or if it's online or
whatever.
I just want you to learn tolearn.
That's all I care about.
And that makes sense.
So we're in agreement.
Dad's right.
Go to school.
ashton (21:43):
Wait, hold on.
It's not about who is right.
See, you missed that part.
Oh yeah, you missed that part.
I
gideon (21:49):
agree that the point of learning to learn is good, not
that school teaches that verywell.
dad (21:55):
That, and, and that's where we get into that whole debate on
the way we're teaching.
Is it Utah history or USHistory?
Maybe it's both.
Where you just go through andcheck off the boxes and you fill
out
ashton (22:06):
Utah History class is worthless.
gideon (22:08):
It was so stupid.
ashton (22:10):
PG Junior, you gotta fix it.
dad (22:12):
Because you just had to go find the three words in order
and, and, and, or the, and, orwhatever.
ashton (22:17):
If we haven't told our listeners this, this is wild.
Our Utah history class, you'dwalk in, the lights would always
be off.
And there would just be a stackof packets.
And they would be the script ofa movie, but there would be like
blank lines.
And then the whole grade of theclass is you walk in, you listen
to the movie, and the momentthere's a blank on your page,
you just fill in the word.
(22:39):
And we did that for two to threehours a week.
And that was it.
gideon (22:42):
And it wasn't good movies.
No.
Like oftentimes it wasn't aboutUtah history.
It was just a random old, movie.
ashton (22:49):
I think the only requirement is it had to be on
VHS
gideon (22:52):
and sepia.
Yeah.
On a 10 inch TV in the corner ofthe room and you're in the back.
I can't see this garbageanyways.
So
dad (23:02):
And that's where Gideon and I can have open mindedness.
We cannot judge.
No.
gideon (23:06):
No, I'm judging hardcore.
That was dumb.
dad (23:08):
So here's my question.
Do you have stress thinkingabout it?
Ashton putting his his hands onhis face right there in that
moment said it still causesstress.
ashton (23:15):
It's just so dumb.
Just, I just can't imaginethinking, nevermind.
gideon (23:20):
Do you not feel bad for the kids, dad?
I feel bad for the kids.
That's what my favorite kidsfilm.
It's about the kids.
Think of the children.
It's about the kids.
It's
ashton (23:28):
about the kids.
He can say that now that he'snot there.
It's no longer about him, it'sabout the kids.
It's about the kids.
That's awesome.
dad (23:35):
I was in
ashton (23:36):
that same building, I almost went to the principal's
office because I crushed fakeweed.
dad (23:39):
What?
A new story.
ashton (23:42):
It's a true story.
And when we talk about honestymaybe we can talk about that
one.
Okay.
Basically there was a bag oforegano, we were doing court,
and when the jury was insession, the teacher was in the
hallway with the jury, Me and acouple of other hooligans took
the evidence, which was, again,a bag of oregano, smashed it
with the judge's gavel, and thenwhen the teacher came back in,
(24:02):
she was furious, or he, it was ahe, he was furious, and then the
group of kids that I was withwere gonna blame it on just some
random girl in the class, andso, I took the blame for it, and
he was like, I should have youexpelled, and I was kind of
like, brother, this is oregano,you can relax a little bit, it's
not your actual weed, chill,
dad (24:21):
if he had his actual weed, he probably would have been so
stressed.
Well, it's funny because our
ashton (24:25):
whole, our whole thing, the whole thing, I have no idea
what weed looked like in juniorhigh.
That's just kind of how I grewup.
But the guys that were doing itwere like, this isn't how weed
looks.
Weeds more squishy.
And so anyway.
gideon (24:37):
All right.
That's how they squished it tolook like
ashton (24:39):
weed.
My open mindedness allowed me toparticipate, but it also got me
in trouble.
dad (24:44):
Yeah.
And this is great.
And I think if we could stopjudging our junior highs.
History teacher.
We could eliminate some ofthose.
We're both history teachers.
ashton (24:52):
That's actually a really good point.
Perfect.
PG junior fixture historyprogram.
So you get for hiring.
It's about the kids.
So you get for hiring sportscoaches as academic teachers
anyway.
dad (25:05):
Okay.
So Hinduism teaches usdetachment and that's what I'm
going to talk about on this.
We need to emphasize detachmentfrom the fruits of one's
actions.
Judgment often derives fromattachment to outcomes or
expectations.
You expected to love history.
You expected not to get judged.
(25:26):
And I can't say this with astraight face.
So you have to detach yourselffrom some of that stress,
Ashton.
Just a segue.
Well, Hinduism.
Hinduism.
Gene, you'll have to fix that inediting.
Good luck.
fourth one, and I think this isthe reality for me as a parent
that I can work the most on it,fosters personal growth.
(25:46):
When I refrain from judgingothers, I am free to change my
rigid thinking patterns of thepast.
This can allow me to havepersonal growth and awareness
and know what's going on aroundme.
And I think that's part ofbecoming an adult is having
personal awareness.
When you're little, the worldrevolves around you.
Literally, your parents arepicking you up.
(26:06):
They're feeding you.
They're taking care of everywhim and need.
Then as you grow, you start todo more and more on your own.
And at some point in time, youget to start focusing on your
own journey of self improvement.
But if I'm so busy judgingothers, then I'm probably
worried that they're judging me.
That's a, that's a great thoughtdad.
gene (26:25):
And it reminded me of a, another quote.
But this one was there's,there's two ways to build the
tallest tower in a city.
option.
Number one, you build thetallest tower in the city.
You just keep building, keepbuilding it until it's the
tallest tower.
But the other option is you
dad (26:43):
knock down all the other buildings until yours becomes
the tallest.
And then do you take theirbricks or do you just, no.
Well, I
ashton (26:50):
mean, second, second one is surefire.
dad (26:53):
I do like that gene and it forces us to think internally
instead of externally.
Right?
Because if I'm thinkingexternally, I'm always knocking
down somebody else's tower.
And that's really what I'm doingby judging others.
If I would stop and say, okay,let me build and work on my own
tower on my own sturdiness.
And you know what, if I wassmart, I'd turn to the guy who's
building also a tall tower andtry and build a relationship and
(27:16):
say, Hey, how, how are yougetting that support?
Set up and then I'm trying toget and learn and grow and
develop by learning from othersby being open minded So really
the four stages are promoteempathy and understanding
encourage open mindednessreduces stress and fosters
personal growth and I thinkthere's a reason why we've been
taught these and they're taughtin all the different religions
(27:37):
is because We really took themto heart.
We would have a more unified anda better society The less we
spent time judging others andspent that time working on
oneself and looking inward Iwould like to challenge the
parents that listen to this, tostrive, to understand where your
kids are coming from.
Try to be more empathetic, tryto be open minded.
(27:57):
It's hard.
And then realize that justbecause your son or daughter
does something that, youwouldn't have done, doesn't mean
it's a bad decision, right?
It's actually pretty good.
How many times did I tell you toquit marching bandaging your
head?
Because you felt like peoplewere picking on you probably too
many times.
And you kept pushing through andyou're like, dad, this is what I
want to do.
I'm like, cool.
You know, you would have hatedit.
It would have been a horribledecision for you.
(28:20):
Maybe, I don't know.
Are you glad you kept doingwatching Ben?
Yeah.
Did you learn something from allthose different experiences
where you were, where you'reforced down a different path?
ashton (28:28):
Yeah, I think so.
dad (28:29):
Yeah, I definitely think so.
I know so.
It was one I used forinspiration forever I had it up
on my wall when I was goingthrough a hard time at a job I'm
like Ashton a marching band andsomebody goes what's that about?
And I said, oh, it's just a funstory
ashton (28:41):
Yeah,
dad (28:41):
but I had to remind myself to my even though I didn't see
the consequence of what my bosswas doing It was helping me grow
I get in being able to do somany different activities
instead of saying getting youshould just stay with soccer
You're really good at soccer andpeople go why is Gideon leaving?
You I'm like don't judge him.
I can't i'm not going to judgehim Right.
So there's all these times thatthat we've looked at and said we
the less we judge our childrenThe better off they have a
(29:05):
chance to find their own way anddevelop their own core
competency strength
gene (29:09):
so I'd like to challenge our listeners and invite them to
be more conscious about how youare judging and maybe some of
the ways that you may be doingit and to more consciously avoid
it.
And if you have experiences orstruggles or this has brought to
light some of the Things thatyou have been dealing with we'd
(29:31):
love to hear about it on ourmany different social media
platforms kitty and what all dowe have?
gideon (29:36):
so we have a subreddit group.
We have facebook instagram justdms on there and we'd love to
share and we can even share onthis podcast All your different
experiences if you want us to orIf you need help,
dad (29:49):
we can always offer up our thoughts, thank you.
Thank you for listening to thisweek's episode of Adulting
Decrypted.
We really enjoyed having thisweek's conversation and we hope
you did as well.
If you ever want to comment onour topics, you can send us a
message through our websiteadultingdecrypted.
com, our email adultingdecryptedat gmail.
(30:10):
com, Or, through our Instagram,Facebook, and LinkedIn accounts
at Adulting Decrypted.
If you have any topics for theshow that you would like us to
talk about, or if you are aparent and want us to talk about
something your kid should know,send us a message on any of the
accounts mentioned.
If you would like to be a guestor have an idea for someone you
think we should have on ourshow, feel free to send us an
(30:32):
email detailing your thoughts toadultingdecrypted at gmail.
com.
Adulting is teamwork.
We have merch! If you want toshow off your Adulting Decrypted
pride, check out our website,adultingdecrypted.
com, or our partner website,with shop.
spreadshirt.
com forward slash adulting dashdecrypted.
Lastly, if you enjoyed the show,please consider supporting us on
(30:54):
our Patreon at adultingdecrypted.
Along with the benefits thatcome with our Patreon, and trust
us, there are some pretty goodones in there, you will not only
be helping us continue in theeffort to make these videos
Great content, but you will bepart of a community of
individuals all trying theirbest to adults.
We appreciate you listening,enjoying, and leaving your
(31:17):
positive reviews.
Alright, alright, alright.
Ashby, wanna kill that one?
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