September 20, 2023 • 30 mins
We cover VIP dinners, how to send a compliment how to take one and what do do about it! Why it is important to give complements, get compliments and say Thank you! This was a fun way to spend an evening as you will hear from the bloopers section. We are exited about were this is going and what we are doing!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dad (02:34):
Welcome to adulting decrypted today.
We're going to talk aboutsomething that we do at the
Allen household that I reallyenjoy as part of tradition.
VIP dinner.
Yeah, we do.
When do you guys get your VIPdinners
Ashton (02:47):
whenever I want?
Well, that's probably not true.
no.
For special you events?
Mainly birthdays.
Actually, I think it's justbirthdays.
That what I'm think about.
Yeah, it's just birthdays.
Well, and you guys get Motherand Father's Day
Dad (03:00):
too sometimes.
Yeah.
And then there's other days thatwe'll do it if somebody's having
a hard time or, or needs someextra attention or they've been
gone.
Like Gene will get one eventhough it's not his, technically
his birthday.
So, and then we'll throw, youknow, grandma and Grandpa's in
there.
If they come by, we'll do a v ip sometimes for them.
So what does v I P dinnerentail?
Ashton (03:19):
It means
Gid (03:20):
that the VIP which is what the person having
Ashton (03:24):
a special day very important person So VIP stands
for oh, is that what you werelooking for
Dad (03:29):
that part of it?
Gid (03:30):
Yeah, but keep going I thought you were just like in
who's the VIP?
Yeah, I guess yeah anyways theVIP, it's to choose what to eat
for dinner, which is a big deal.
Yes, it's a big deal.
And then they also as we starteating, everybody will go around
the table and say one thing thatthey love
Dad (03:50):
about that person.
Good.
I think this is great, even witha friend group, it might feel
awkward, but if you hold a VIPdinner for somebody, and this is
really what we're probably doingwhen we go out on a date.
When you take somebody out on aspecial occasion, when you go
over and spend time withsomebody and you're, and you're
making it about them, I thinkthis would be a fun for
(04:11):
listeners to think, who can I doa VIP dinner for?
So the VIP dinner, like we said,it's, you get to pick what we're
having for dinner and that'spart of the fun of it.
Do you guys remember some ofyour favorite VIP dinners?
Ashton (04:26):
Well, to answer that question, I'd probably default
to what I would ask for rightnow.
Which would be?
I always, I always crave veggiepizza.
Now that sounds like anabomination to the world to
those of you who aren't in theknow.
Our mom, your wife, so good.
Makes a solid veggie pizza,basically homemade bread and
(04:46):
with like this cream cheese,savory mixture.
As the sauce.
Ranch.
Dad (04:52):
Ranch.
I don't mean to give it away.
It's not, it's not just ranch
Ashton (04:55):
though.
No, but it's a, it's, oh, it's aranch's, like cream cheese with
ranch powder mix.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It's a,
Dad (05:00):
I mean, a special saw, a special secret.
Don't tell anybody.
Ashton (05:04):
It's savory, but anyway.
And then just a bunch of finelychopped vegetables on top of it
goes, it's just super good.
It is so good.
So like if I had to ask, if, ifit was mine right now that's
probably what I'd go for.
And then typically you get adessert with that too, like.
There's been brownies, there'sbeen chocolate chip cookies,
there's been cake, there's, youknow, just about anything you
(05:26):
can think of.
Gid (05:27):
My go to is always egg rolls and wontons.
So good.
Then I had a Claire cake for my
Ashton (05:33):
birthday.
Dad (05:33):
What's yours, dad?
You know, I, I think it'sinteresting, Ashton, go to
veggie pizza because I think itis specific sometimes to what
mood you're in or what you'rethinking about And what's funny
about my VIP since I like steakmom normally makes everything
else So she'll make the bakedpotato and she'll get everything
else ready.
And I'm like, okay, I'll go cookthe steaks because Hey, I love a
good medium rare ribeyeespecially off the grill off my
(05:56):
own doing real man knows how hewants it.
That's right.
And so she doesn't mess withthat, you know, but, but other
VIP dinners we've done is orangechicken.
There's been plenty of homemade.
Like a special salad mom makesthat cranberry salad with
pretzels in it, you know, soit's really a chance to ask for
anything that you're cravingthat mom makes or that she can
(06:20):
learn to make.
Have you ever done a hot pot?
I don't think we have, it's beena
Ashton (06:24):
minute for VIP.
I think I have my next idea, but
Dad (06:27):
I think, I think we're ready for a hot pot, which is
pretty fun to do.
It's that's where you put meat.
It's like a fondue.
It's a Chinese version of afondue.
If anybody hasn't tried a hotpot, it's good and do it, hit us
up and we'll make one for you.
So then what we, the next thingwe do is we get to talk about
the person and getting you kindof hit on this is we talk about,
(06:51):
In the house because it's, it'sfamily.
We say what I love about person.
Yeah.
Whoever's VIP it is.
If you've got a friend group orif you're doing it in a work
setting, it doesn't have to be,I love, you could say, I
appreciate, or I admire, andthen it has to be a, it has to
be specific.
It can't be a thing.
(07:11):
You know, for example, we'resitting around this table.
I couldn't say, you know what Ireally love about Ashton is his
shirt that he's wearing.
Thanks, man.
Right.
It's a compliment.
It is a compliment.
You can say, Hey, nice shirt ornice.
But to, use that a lot of timespeople, it's a very superficial,
like if you haven't metsomebody, I think that's a
really nice compliment.
(07:32):
I really like your shirt.
Nice shirt you're wearing today.
Even somebody you do know, youknow, Hey, that's, I hadn't
noticed this before.
That's a knife, nice golf bag.
People love hearing compliments.
I think it's always
Ashton (07:43):
good.
Gid (07:43):
I think one way that would be fun to add to that compliment
is like I like your choice andshirt.
Yeah, that means that puts it onthem that they have like that
Instead of just like hey, youhave a cool shirt on it's like
you chose a cool shirt.
So it's like I like that.
You're accepting that they had athought into
Dad (08:02):
having that cool shirt.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And then the other thing we tryand avoid is appearance thing,
right?
Because sitting around a dinnertable around the family, we
should know each other deeper,right?
Like Gideon, I love your choiceof eyes.
No, I think you did.
Yeah, I wouldn't,
Ashton (08:21):
I don't want to.
Was that
Dad (08:21):
pretty funny to you, Ashton?
Ashton (08:24):
But, no, no, I'm good.
No, I'm good.
Dad (08:26):
I
Gid (08:26):
didn't get them from you or Mom, actually.
Dad (08:28):
I don't, I don't want to know then.
Oh, whoa.
I think you said I'm not.
Yeah, that's right.
Alright.
I'm not his dad apparentlybecause he got a mom.
I know where he came from.
I saw him.
Ashton (08:40):
Whoa.
So about the, about the not whatnot to say.
Yeah, so that is one, right?
Dad (08:46):
So let's compliment an attribute, right?
So I know Gideon well enough,you know, that, that I could say
Gideon, what I love about Gideonis his ability to work hard and
to go after a goal and pursueit.
Those are the kind of thingsthat we do around the dinner
table.
So that we get a closerconnection.
(09:06):
Is that hard to hear sometimesfrom others?
Wait, rephrase that.
Sorry.
Yeah.
When somebody pays you acompliment like that, is that
hard to hear sometimes?
Or does
Ashton (09:19):
I'll use a specific example from me personally my
birthday was Just over a monthago, and at my VIP dinner,
something that Gideon said aboutme was that I was Able to find a
sense of humor in a lot ofdifferent situations Whether it
(09:39):
be about my personal weaknessesor You know or you know, just
fun stuff that we're doing Andthat was good for me to hear at
the time just because of, youknow, stuff that I was going
through or, you know, just thenI, for some reason, that one has
still kind of stuck with me andI'm, and it's been something
(10:00):
that I've been trying to makesure that I continue doing as
well.
So those, those sorts of thingsdo have a good impact.
But yes, long answer to yourshort question.
Sometimes it is hard to hear.
Dad (10:16):
That's why they have to be genuine and sincere, right?
Cause you're right.
As the person receiving thatcompliment, if you're like, Oh
wait, he's trying to manipulateme to act a certain way.
It would not be as wellreceived.
For example, if I said one thingI love about Gideon is his
dedication to eating ice creamevery night, I would be like,
(10:40):
hey, Gideon, eat more ice creamwith me.
Right?
It's not a real compliment.
It's not genuine.
It's not sincere.
Ashton (10:47):
It has an ulterior motive, which can be felt.
Believe it or not.
Dad (10:52):
It's a great observation, Ashton, that the genuineness of
the, of the compliment needs tobe there as well.
So now somebody gives you acompliment, how do you, respond
to that?
But maybe let's think about whatwe're trained to do, what we've
(11:13):
trained and talked about at thefamily.
What do we do?
Say thank you.
That's it.
That's simple.
What happens in real life?
Ashton (11:23):
No,
Dad (11:24):
stop, stop, stop.
Ashton (11:28):
One of the ones I go to, so I don't know about that.
Or simple thanks.
Simple thanks does happen.
But I did that today.
Had a guy pay a compliment.
Said, well, I don't really knowabout that, but thank
Dad (11:41):
you.
Right, so when you say I don'tknow about that, what are you
saying to that other person?
I don't
Ashton (11:49):
believe you.
I don't I for me it's like I youcan probably believe that but I
don't believe that about myselfPersonally sometimes yeah,
Dad (11:59):
you're also though.
Let's say that Gideon said heyyou chose a nice shirt today And
the other person's response waswell, I don't know about that
Gid (12:12):
I think it can be taken multiple directions, because
like I said before the personwho said the compliment could be
like, Oh, they, they don'tbelieve me.
But at the same time, thatperson could also think, Oh,
they don't think very highly ofthemselves and their choice of
clothing.
Maybe they had an accident thismorning and spilled coffee on
the shirt that they reallywanted to wear.
(12:33):
So they ended up wearing thisone instead.
So it's like,
Dad (12:37):
As a center of the compliment, we're now turning to
the center of the compliment andsaying, Hey, trying to cipher.
What am I really saying by thatstatement versus saying thank
you
Ashton (12:47):
It was partially questioning their judgment to
like it makes it obvious to belike, okay, maybe
Dad (12:53):
Headed gentleman who was helping me with the chimney in
the cabin.
Let's say are you sure?
Are you sure?
Finally, he looked at me andsaid, man, I've been doing this
for 30 years.
You can ask me all the questionsyou want, but I'm sure it's
probably not one of them.
And I like that because itforced me to think differently
and ask, hey, how does thatwork?
(13:15):
Not, are you sure?
Or a question that sounded likeI was doubting, but a question
that would say, for example,Hey, you have a nice shirt or
good choice on a shirt.
Well, thank you.
Why, why did that work for you?
Or why did, why do you thinkthat sure works so that you as
the wearer, if you're not surethat, Hey, did I pick out a good
shirt?
(13:35):
You start to understand theperson so you can ask a follow
up question.
Hey, I really appreciated askinghow you ran the band like this
Oh good.
I hadn't noticed.
I wasn't sure which way to goand I tried that What do you
think if I would have done thiswould have gave me a different
result or?
So there's two ways to do that.
It's either.
Thank you when mom and Idiscussed it and we started
(13:57):
doing VIP dinners I wanted mychildren to be able to take a
compliment with that Somebodygave them and and I think thank
you is just the easiest one,another level to that and it's
thank you Why do you say that orwhat?
What did you notice thatinvalidated Because I listened
(14:25):
and instead of saying, well, Idon't know about that.
I said, well, that'sinteresting.
You observe that.
I wasn't sure how that was goingto work.
Yeah.
What did you like about that?
What could I have donedifferent?
You know, and so then you'restill opening up for a dialogue.
You're still saying, I'm notsure.
Cause you're, you're not 100percent sure that you liked it.
But now you've started thisdialogue that you can actually
have a conversation and you'vealso like.
Ashton (14:47):
Shared with them that their opinion is validated,
Dad (14:50):
One of the the things I highlighted is don't deny or
don't dispute it because it'slike the improv game That we've
played and that you've seenplayed the first thing that
you're not allowed to do is sayno or deny Because as soon as
you do that, you've broke thescene and you're starting over
(15:10):
Yeah, you're like an improvgame.
You watch somebody like ohyou're fishing.
No, I'm actually Looking througha telescope.
Well, now the person is going,well, where, Oh, where do I take
this?
I've totally misread thatconversation in an improv game,
but in, in a compliment, you sayno or deny it.
People are like, Oh, I'm done.
Okay.
I'll go compliment somebody elsethat wants to hear from me and
(15:32):
wants to have a dialogue.
Ashton (15:34):
After the whole compliment section.
Yeah.
Actually before we jump there.
Can I say something about thattoo something i've always Really
appreciated.
I mean you've kind of talkedabout it too, but something i've
always really appreciated aboutthe vip dinner is The
vulnerability it takes to be thesender of, of those sorts of
compliments, because it's deeperthan saying, you know, I like
(15:58):
your shirt.
Right?
Like those sorts of complimentswhere you have to, what's the
word?
Cosmetic compliment.
It's a, it's a life compliment,a per or a personal trait
compliment.
The, vulnerability it takes andthe sincerity that it takes as
the, as the sender is for mealways been valuable and it
(16:24):
allows you to be more sincereand more intrinsic about
compliments in real life becauseit's the, the, the, Oh, I like
your shirt.
Compliments are easy, but goingup to someone who you work with
professionally or a really goodfriend, it could be very much
harder to be.
Able to say, you know, I reallylike the way that you deal with
(16:45):
adversity.
I think you handle that really,really well.
There's, there's more to thatthan there is.
I like your shirt.
And so that's something thatI've always liked
Dad (16:54):
about.
So just to restate doing this asa family dinner and learning how
to saying the compliment.
Helped you to come from a morevulnerable place when you're
dealing with others
Ashton (17:05):
Yeah, and and it also opened up the lens to seeking to
say those more sincere things.
Dad (17:14):
I agree Thank you Ashton.
Very helpful.
Ashton (17:18):
I don't know about that You're right.
Dad (17:22):
I don't know anything.
So can I
Ashton (17:24):
ask you why you thought that was helpful?
Dad (17:28):
last thing that we do around the table for VIP
dinners, we go through you game,just a very basic one.
And, and part of the reason whywe put that in is because as you
guys grow and change anddevelop, We, we assumed that
some of your tastes wouldchange, grow and develop as
well, right?
So a common question that'sasked what is and the way we
(17:50):
pose it is kind of interestingbecause We're asking whoever
comes up with the questionsreally asking everybody around
the table to make a guess Whilethe individual that it's being
asked about has to think aboutwhat the answer is So for
example, if I were to pose thatquestion I would say what is
Ashton's favorite color?
(18:10):
And now Gideon and I both have achance to think about it and
we'll say it.
Cyan.
No.
And wrong.
And Ashton gets a chance todispute that because obviously
it's his favorite color.
Ashton (18:23):
That is not my favorite
Dad (18:24):
color.
And I would guess blue.
Ashton (18:26):
Hmm, you're closer, but I'm still probably gonna say no
Dad (18:29):
on that one.
And then it's red.
Go
Ashton (18:31):
Utes.
Ah, red's pretty good, but notmy favorite.
I actually have been stuck bythis one for a while like deep
purple.
I'm into
Dad (18:38):
deep purple.
There you go See and that'sroyal and that's one of those
things It's kind of just thatdoesn't change our relationship
now that I know Ashton's deeppurple No, but it's fun to know
right and then there's otherstuff that actually does Open up
the conversation for furtherexploration when we Ashton's
(18:58):
dream vacation?
And then you'd say oh, I want togo back and see the Music halls
of Tanganya.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Spot on.
Right.
But then that allows thedialogue.
Well, what about those musichalls?
Do you want to go see, or Idon't have a guest, right.
Or my guess is so, Oh, he wantsto go to Nashville.
(19:19):
He's like, not really a bigcountry music fan.
Right.
But it opens up that dialogueand allows us to get to know you
better.
And, can I share a classic?
Please.
Ashton (19:28):
Would dad rather...
Dad (19:30):
That was not part of that game though, that was just a
game.
It wasn't a VIP dinner.
You
Ashton (19:35):
cannot say that it has not appeared in every VIP dinner
Dad (19:38):
since.
It has, but that's not where itcame from.
Ashton (19:41):
He's just defensive because he doesn't like his
answer to this question.
Dad (19:45):
Okay, go ahead, Sabrina.
The question is,
Ashton (19:46):
dad...
Yes?
Would you rather eat a triplechocolate cake...
Gid (19:51):
Dad doesn't
Ashton (19:51):
like chocolate.
Or...
Climb a tree to survive.
Dad (19:56):
From a bear attack.
Oh, well, it wasn't
Ashton (19:58):
that specific when it originated, but yeah, it was.
She literally went Would yourather eat a triple chocolate
cake or climb a tree to surviveand we're all like
Dad (20:08):
from what?
That's right.
That's right.
She had to
Ashton (20:13):
think of something.
Dad (20:14):
That's right.
That's right.
And it was actually up campingThat's why the tree came in
play, I think.
Ashton (20:19):
There's a few other things that came into play that
we're not going to use, butyeah, that's very
Dad (20:22):
wise.
And, and I think the triple,triple chocolate cake, cause all
the kids are craving a sweet atthat point.
Time after that hike.
It was a long hike.
Yeah.
That is, that has come into playeveryone.
And, and it doesn't develop anymore detail for me because it's
still, I don't want to die yet.
So I guess if I ever said, well,I'd rather die than, than
(20:43):
everybody would start to worry.
Cause I, I've always chosen toeat the triple chocolate cake so
far.
Let's hope that doesn't change.
So far.
Okay.
So yeah, so playing those fungames, just it allows us to get
to know each other better andallows us to open that dialogue.
And, and to the listener, throwa VIP dinner for one of your
(21:05):
friends, have a special nightfor somebody.
Maybe it's as an apartment, youdo it as it might be.
It's as a group of friends thatyou say, Hey, where do you want
to go to dinner tonight?
Let them pick and then play someof these games and work on
complimenting each other, workon getting to know them by
asking them deeper questions.
And as we do this, we willcontinue to form deeper and
(21:26):
better relationships.
Gid (21:30):
And of course, we always want to know how it goes.
So let us know.
Ashton (21:36):
Part of your new website pushing it which is really dope,
everyone check it out.
But it's a consulting website ifI'm not mistaken, and largely
motivational helping businesseswith connect with their
employees.
I think from what I gatheredwith that, like I feel like it'd
be a really good exercise forthose groups of people.
(21:56):
Just to be like, can, can anemployer sit with their
employees around the table andsay, I appreciate you because of
X and can employees do that witheach other?
Because it's another
Dad (22:08):
connection thing.
I like that.
Thank you.
I'm very vulnerabilityopportunity.
Yeah.
It's a process and peopleimprovement company.
So thank you, Ashley.
Thanks for the shameless plug.
Thank you.
Shameless.
Hey listener real quick.
(22:29):
This is the data coming to you.
Stay tuned after the episode.
For some funny outtakes thatdidn't make it in the episode.
Ashton (24:11):
It awkward?
I think I wouldn't say it's hardto hear.
I think sometimes for me, it'slike you, you question the
validity sometimes.
Like for me.
And so, and then it also kind ofcreates, like, I don't know, on
the flip side though it can bevery nice to hear because you
could be feeling a sense ofinsecurity in a specific area.
(24:36):
I'll use, I'll use a specificexample, actually.
My birthday was last month,actually.
Oh, dang it.
It's later in September than Ithought it was.
I was gonna say a month ago.
It's been longer than a month.
Anyway when we had mine,something I remember is Gideon
said something that he lovedabout me was that...
I could find the fun in a lot ofsituations.
(24:57):
And for me, like at the momentthat I was like, Oh yeah, thanks
man.
You know, I appreciate that.
It because like there was, therewas things that I was trying to
figure out and balance aroundthat that same time.
So it was, it was, it was goodfor me to hear.
So like on one hand, sometimesyou can question what people
have to say.
And then on other hand, Likelike it's gonna
Dad (25:19):
stop real quick Cuz I complimented you early on you
not using like all the time andyou used like 20 times in that
Let's try the whole thing onemore time.
Oh, I
Ashton (25:28):
don't know if
Dad (25:28):
I can do that again Starting from what I enjoyed
appreciated from getting was Yes
Ashton (25:34):
Okay, so I'm gonna I'm going to really rewind then
because all right So
Dad (25:45):
Right.
And that's, and that's what I'mworking on, is not saying right
all the time.
Correct.
Ha
Ashton (25:54):
ha ha.
Is that different?
No,
Dad (25:57):
it's not.
Correct.
Gid (25:59):
You're correct.
You're,
Ashton (26:01):
you're not...
Correct.
Dad (26:05):
Ha ha ha
Ashton (26:06):
Yes So you are playing footsies, apparently now they're
both gone.
Dad (26:23):
All right, the
Welcome to adulting decrypted today.
We're going to talk aboutsomething that we do at the
Allen household that I reallyenjoy as part of tradition.
VIP dinner.
Yeah, we do.
When do you guys get your VIPdinners
Ashton (02:47):
whenever I want?
Well, that's probably not true.
no.
For special you events?
Mainly birthdays.
Actually, I think it's justbirthdays.
That what I'm think about.
Yeah, it's just birthdays.
Well, and you guys get Motherand Father's Day
Dad (03:00):
too sometimes.
Yeah.
And then there's other days thatwe'll do it if somebody's having
a hard time or, or needs someextra attention or they've been
gone.
Like Gene will get one eventhough it's not his, technically
his birthday.
So, and then we'll throw, youknow, grandma and Grandpa's in
there.
If they come by, we'll do a v ip sometimes for them.
So what does v I P dinnerentail?
Ashton (03:19):
It means
Gid (03:20):
that the VIP which is what the person having
Ashton (03:24):
a special day very important person So VIP stands
for oh, is that what you werelooking for
Dad (03:29):
that part of it?
Gid (03:30):
Yeah, but keep going I thought you were just like in
who's the VIP?
Yeah, I guess yeah anyways theVIP, it's to choose what to eat
for dinner, which is a big deal.
Yes, it's a big deal.
And then they also as we starteating, everybody will go around
the table and say one thing thatthey love
Dad (03:50):
about that person.
Good.
I think this is great, even witha friend group, it might feel
awkward, but if you hold a VIPdinner for somebody, and this is
really what we're probably doingwhen we go out on a date.
When you take somebody out on aspecial occasion, when you go
over and spend time withsomebody and you're, and you're
making it about them, I thinkthis would be a fun for
(04:11):
listeners to think, who can I doa VIP dinner for?
So the VIP dinner, like we said,it's, you get to pick what we're
having for dinner and that'spart of the fun of it.
Do you guys remember some ofyour favorite VIP dinners?
Ashton (04:26):
Well, to answer that question, I'd probably default
to what I would ask for rightnow.
Which would be?
I always, I always crave veggiepizza.
Now that sounds like anabomination to the world to
those of you who aren't in theknow.
Our mom, your wife, so good.
Makes a solid veggie pizza,basically homemade bread and
(04:46):
with like this cream cheese,savory mixture.
As the sauce.
Ranch.
Dad (04:52):
Ranch.
I don't mean to give it away.
It's not, it's not just ranch
Ashton (04:55):
though.
No, but it's a, it's, oh, it's aranch's, like cream cheese with
ranch powder mix.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
It's a,
Dad (05:00):
I mean, a special saw, a special secret.
Don't tell anybody.
Ashton (05:04):
It's savory, but anyway.
And then just a bunch of finelychopped vegetables on top of it
goes, it's just super good.
It is so good.
So like if I had to ask, if, ifit was mine right now that's
probably what I'd go for.
And then typically you get adessert with that too, like.
There's been brownies, there'sbeen chocolate chip cookies,
there's been cake, there's, youknow, just about anything you
(05:26):
can think of.
Gid (05:27):
My go to is always egg rolls and wontons.
So good.
Then I had a Claire cake for my
Ashton (05:33):
birthday.
Dad (05:33):
What's yours, dad?
You know, I, I think it'sinteresting, Ashton, go to
veggie pizza because I think itis specific sometimes to what
mood you're in or what you'rethinking about And what's funny
about my VIP since I like steakmom normally makes everything
else So she'll make the bakedpotato and she'll get everything
else ready.
And I'm like, okay, I'll go cookthe steaks because Hey, I love a
good medium rare ribeyeespecially off the grill off my
(05:56):
own doing real man knows how hewants it.
That's right.
And so she doesn't mess withthat, you know, but, but other
VIP dinners we've done is orangechicken.
There's been plenty of homemade.
Like a special salad mom makesthat cranberry salad with
pretzels in it, you know, soit's really a chance to ask for
anything that you're cravingthat mom makes or that she can
(06:20):
learn to make.
Have you ever done a hot pot?
I don't think we have, it's beena
Ashton (06:24):
minute for VIP.
I think I have my next idea, but
Dad (06:27):
I think, I think we're ready for a hot pot, which is
pretty fun to do.
It's that's where you put meat.
It's like a fondue.
It's a Chinese version of afondue.
If anybody hasn't tried a hotpot, it's good and do it, hit us
up and we'll make one for you.
So then what we, the next thingwe do is we get to talk about
the person and getting you kindof hit on this is we talk about,
(06:51):
In the house because it's, it'sfamily.
We say what I love about person.
Yeah.
Whoever's VIP it is.
If you've got a friend group orif you're doing it in a work
setting, it doesn't have to be,I love, you could say, I
appreciate, or I admire, andthen it has to be a, it has to
be specific.
It can't be a thing.
(07:11):
You know, for example, we'resitting around this table.
I couldn't say, you know what Ireally love about Ashton is his
shirt that he's wearing.
Thanks, man.
Right.
It's a compliment.
It is a compliment.
You can say, Hey, nice shirt ornice.
But to, use that a lot of timespeople, it's a very superficial,
like if you haven't metsomebody, I think that's a
really nice compliment.
(07:32):
I really like your shirt.
Nice shirt you're wearing today.
Even somebody you do know, youknow, Hey, that's, I hadn't
noticed this before.
That's a knife, nice golf bag.
People love hearing compliments.
I think it's always
Ashton (07:43):
good.
Gid (07:43):
I think one way that would be fun to add to that compliment
is like I like your choice andshirt.
Yeah, that means that puts it onthem that they have like that
Instead of just like hey, youhave a cool shirt on it's like
you chose a cool shirt.
So it's like I like that.
You're accepting that they had athought into
Dad (08:02):
having that cool shirt.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And then the other thing we tryand avoid is appearance thing,
right?
Because sitting around a dinnertable around the family, we
should know each other deeper,right?
Like Gideon, I love your choiceof eyes.
No, I think you did.
Yeah, I wouldn't,
Ashton (08:21):
I don't want to.
Was that
Dad (08:21):
pretty funny to you, Ashton?
Ashton (08:24):
But, no, no, I'm good.
No, I'm good.
Dad (08:26):
I
Gid (08:26):
didn't get them from you or Mom, actually.
Dad (08:28):
I don't, I don't want to know then.
Oh, whoa.
I think you said I'm not.
Yeah, that's right.
Alright.
I'm not his dad apparentlybecause he got a mom.
I know where he came from.
I saw him.
Ashton (08:40):
Whoa.
So about the, about the not whatnot to say.
Yeah, so that is one, right?
Dad (08:46):
So let's compliment an attribute, right?
So I know Gideon well enough,you know, that, that I could say
Gideon, what I love about Gideonis his ability to work hard and
to go after a goal and pursueit.
Those are the kind of thingsthat we do around the dinner
table.
So that we get a closerconnection.
(09:06):
Is that hard to hear sometimesfrom others?
Wait, rephrase that.
Sorry.
Yeah.
When somebody pays you acompliment like that, is that
hard to hear sometimes?
Or does
Ashton (09:19):
I'll use a specific example from me personally my
birthday was Just over a monthago, and at my VIP dinner,
something that Gideon said aboutme was that I was Able to find a
sense of humor in a lot ofdifferent situations Whether it
(09:39):
be about my personal weaknessesor You know or you know, just
fun stuff that we're doing Andthat was good for me to hear at
the time just because of, youknow, stuff that I was going
through or, you know, just thenI, for some reason, that one has
still kind of stuck with me andI'm, and it's been something
(10:00):
that I've been trying to makesure that I continue doing as
well.
So those, those sorts of thingsdo have a good impact.
But yes, long answer to yourshort question.
Sometimes it is hard to hear.
Dad (10:16):
That's why they have to be genuine and sincere, right?
Cause you're right.
As the person receiving thatcompliment, if you're like, Oh
wait, he's trying to manipulateme to act a certain way.
It would not be as wellreceived.
For example, if I said one thingI love about Gideon is his
dedication to eating ice creamevery night, I would be like,
(10:40):
hey, Gideon, eat more ice creamwith me.
Right?
It's not a real compliment.
It's not genuine.
It's not sincere.
Ashton (10:47):
It has an ulterior motive, which can be felt.
Believe it or not.
Dad (10:52):
It's a great observation, Ashton, that the genuineness of
the, of the compliment needs tobe there as well.
So now somebody gives you acompliment, how do you, respond
to that?
But maybe let's think about whatwe're trained to do, what we've
(11:13):
trained and talked about at thefamily.
What do we do?
Say thank you.
That's it.
That's simple.
What happens in real life?
Ashton (11:23):
No,
Dad (11:24):
stop, stop, stop.
Ashton (11:28):
One of the ones I go to, so I don't know about that.
Or simple thanks.
Simple thanks does happen.
But I did that today.
Had a guy pay a compliment.
Said, well, I don't really knowabout that, but thank
Dad (11:41):
you.
Right, so when you say I don'tknow about that, what are you
saying to that other person?
I don't
Ashton (11:49):
believe you.
I don't I for me it's like I youcan probably believe that but I
don't believe that about myselfPersonally sometimes yeah,
Dad (11:59):
you're also though.
Let's say that Gideon said heyyou chose a nice shirt today And
the other person's response waswell, I don't know about that
Gid (12:12):
I think it can be taken multiple directions, because
like I said before the personwho said the compliment could be
like, Oh, they, they don'tbelieve me.
But at the same time, thatperson could also think, Oh,
they don't think very highly ofthemselves and their choice of
clothing.
Maybe they had an accident thismorning and spilled coffee on
the shirt that they reallywanted to wear.
(12:33):
So they ended up wearing thisone instead.
So it's like,
Dad (12:37):
As a center of the compliment, we're now turning to
the center of the compliment andsaying, Hey, trying to cipher.
What am I really saying by thatstatement versus saying thank
you
Ashton (12:47):
It was partially questioning their judgment to
like it makes it obvious to belike, okay, maybe
Dad (12:53):
Headed gentleman who was helping me with the chimney in
the cabin.
Let's say are you sure?
Are you sure?
Finally, he looked at me andsaid, man, I've been doing this
for 30 years.
You can ask me all the questionsyou want, but I'm sure it's
probably not one of them.
And I like that because itforced me to think differently
and ask, hey, how does thatwork?
(13:15):
Not, are you sure?
Or a question that sounded likeI was doubting, but a question
that would say, for example,Hey, you have a nice shirt or
good choice on a shirt.
Well, thank you.
Why, why did that work for you?
Or why did, why do you thinkthat sure works so that you as
the wearer, if you're not surethat, Hey, did I pick out a good
shirt?
(13:35):
You start to understand theperson so you can ask a follow
up question.
Hey, I really appreciated askinghow you ran the band like this
Oh good.
I hadn't noticed.
I wasn't sure which way to goand I tried that What do you
think if I would have done thiswould have gave me a different
result or?
So there's two ways to do that.
It's either.
Thank you when mom and Idiscussed it and we started
(13:57):
doing VIP dinners I wanted mychildren to be able to take a
compliment with that Somebodygave them and and I think thank
you is just the easiest one,another level to that and it's
thank you Why do you say that orwhat?
What did you notice thatinvalidated Because I listened
(14:25):
and instead of saying, well, Idon't know about that.
I said, well, that'sinteresting.
You observe that.
I wasn't sure how that was goingto work.
Yeah.
What did you like about that?
What could I have donedifferent?
You know, and so then you'restill opening up for a dialogue.
You're still saying, I'm notsure.
Cause you're, you're not 100percent sure that you liked it.
But now you've started thisdialogue that you can actually
have a conversation and you'vealso like.
Ashton (14:47):
Shared with them that their opinion is validated,
Dad (14:50):
One of the the things I highlighted is don't deny or
don't dispute it because it'slike the improv game That we've
played and that you've seenplayed the first thing that
you're not allowed to do is sayno or deny Because as soon as
you do that, you've broke thescene and you're starting over
(15:10):
Yeah, you're like an improvgame.
You watch somebody like ohyou're fishing.
No, I'm actually Looking througha telescope.
Well, now the person is going,well, where, Oh, where do I take
this?
I've totally misread thatconversation in an improv game,
but in, in a compliment, you sayno or deny it.
People are like, Oh, I'm done.
Okay.
I'll go compliment somebody elsethat wants to hear from me and
(15:32):
wants to have a dialogue.
Ashton (15:34):
After the whole compliment section.
Yeah.
Actually before we jump there.
Can I say something about thattoo something i've always Really
appreciated.
I mean you've kind of talkedabout it too, but something i've
always really appreciated aboutthe vip dinner is The
vulnerability it takes to be thesender of, of those sorts of
compliments, because it's deeperthan saying, you know, I like
(15:58):
your shirt.
Right?
Like those sorts of complimentswhere you have to, what's the
word?
Cosmetic compliment.
It's a, it's a life compliment,a per or a personal trait
compliment.
The, vulnerability it takes andthe sincerity that it takes as
the, as the sender is for mealways been valuable and it
(16:24):
allows you to be more sincereand more intrinsic about
compliments in real life becauseit's the, the, the, Oh, I like
your shirt.
Compliments are easy, but goingup to someone who you work with
professionally or a really goodfriend, it could be very much
harder to be.
Able to say, you know, I reallylike the way that you deal with
(16:45):
adversity.
I think you handle that really,really well.
There's, there's more to thatthan there is.
I like your shirt.
And so that's something thatI've always liked
Dad (16:54):
about.
So just to restate doing this asa family dinner and learning how
to saying the compliment.
Helped you to come from a morevulnerable place when you're
dealing with others
Ashton (17:05):
Yeah, and and it also opened up the lens to seeking to
say those more sincere things.
Dad (17:14):
I agree Thank you Ashton.
Very helpful.
Ashton (17:18):
I don't know about that You're right.
Dad (17:22):
I don't know anything.
So can I
Ashton (17:24):
ask you why you thought that was helpful?
Dad (17:28):
last thing that we do around the table for VIP
dinners, we go through you game,just a very basic one.
And, and part of the reason whywe put that in is because as you
guys grow and change anddevelop, We, we assumed that
some of your tastes wouldchange, grow and develop as
well, right?
So a common question that'sasked what is and the way we
(17:50):
pose it is kind of interestingbecause We're asking whoever
comes up with the questionsreally asking everybody around
the table to make a guess Whilethe individual that it's being
asked about has to think aboutwhat the answer is So for
example, if I were to pose thatquestion I would say what is
Ashton's favorite color?
(18:10):
And now Gideon and I both have achance to think about it and
we'll say it.
Cyan.
No.
And wrong.
And Ashton gets a chance todispute that because obviously
it's his favorite color.
Ashton (18:23):
That is not my favorite
Dad (18:24):
color.
And I would guess blue.
Ashton (18:26):
Hmm, you're closer, but I'm still probably gonna say no
Dad (18:29):
on that one.
And then it's red.
Go
Ashton (18:31):
Utes.
Ah, red's pretty good, but notmy favorite.
I actually have been stuck bythis one for a while like deep
purple.
I'm into
Dad (18:38):
deep purple.
There you go See and that'sroyal and that's one of those
things It's kind of just thatdoesn't change our relationship
now that I know Ashton's deeppurple No, but it's fun to know
right and then there's otherstuff that actually does Open up
the conversation for furtherexploration when we Ashton's
(18:58):
dream vacation?
And then you'd say oh, I want togo back and see the Music halls
of Tanganya.
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Perfect.
Spot on.
Right.
But then that allows thedialogue.
Well, what about those musichalls?
Do you want to go see, or Idon't have a guest, right.
Or my guess is so, Oh, he wantsto go to Nashville.
(19:19):
He's like, not really a bigcountry music fan.
Right.
But it opens up that dialogueand allows us to get to know you
better.
And, can I share a classic?
Please.
Ashton (19:28):
Would dad rather...
Dad (19:30):
That was not part of that game though, that was just a
game.
It wasn't a VIP dinner.
You
Ashton (19:35):
cannot say that it has not appeared in every VIP dinner
Dad (19:38):
since.
It has, but that's not where itcame from.
Ashton (19:41):
He's just defensive because he doesn't like his
answer to this question.
Dad (19:45):
Okay, go ahead, Sabrina.
The question is,
Ashton (19:46):
dad...
Yes?
Would you rather eat a triplechocolate cake...
Gid (19:51):
Dad doesn't
Ashton (19:51):
like chocolate.
Or...
Climb a tree to survive.
Dad (19:56):
From a bear attack.
Oh, well, it wasn't
Ashton (19:58):
that specific when it originated, but yeah, it was.
She literally went Would yourather eat a triple chocolate
cake or climb a tree to surviveand we're all like
Dad (20:08):
from what?
That's right.
That's right.
She had to
Ashton (20:13):
think of something.
Dad (20:14):
That's right.
That's right.
And it was actually up campingThat's why the tree came in
play, I think.
Ashton (20:19):
There's a few other things that came into play that
we're not going to use, butyeah, that's very
Dad (20:22):
wise.
And, and I think the triple,triple chocolate cake, cause all
the kids are craving a sweet atthat point.
Time after that hike.
It was a long hike.
Yeah.
That is, that has come into playeveryone.
And, and it doesn't develop anymore detail for me because it's
still, I don't want to die yet.
So I guess if I ever said, well,I'd rather die than, than
(20:43):
everybody would start to worry.
Cause I, I've always chosen toeat the triple chocolate cake so
far.
Let's hope that doesn't change.
So far.
Okay.
So yeah, so playing those fungames, just it allows us to get
to know each other better andallows us to open that dialogue.
And, and to the listener, throwa VIP dinner for one of your
(21:05):
friends, have a special nightfor somebody.
Maybe it's as an apartment, youdo it as it might be.
It's as a group of friends thatyou say, Hey, where do you want
to go to dinner tonight?
Let them pick and then play someof these games and work on
complimenting each other, workon getting to know them by
asking them deeper questions.
And as we do this, we willcontinue to form deeper and
(21:26):
better relationships.
Gid (21:30):
And of course, we always want to know how it goes.
So let us know.
Ashton (21:36):
Part of your new website pushing it which is really dope,
everyone check it out.
But it's a consulting website ifI'm not mistaken, and largely
motivational helping businesseswith connect with their
employees.
I think from what I gatheredwith that, like I feel like it'd
be a really good exercise forthose groups of people.
(21:56):
Just to be like, can, can anemployer sit with their
employees around the table andsay, I appreciate you because of
X and can employees do that witheach other?
Because it's another
Dad (22:08):
connection thing.
I like that.
Thank you.
I'm very vulnerabilityopportunity.
Yeah.
It's a process and peopleimprovement company.
So thank you, Ashley.
Thanks for the shameless plug.
Thank you.
Shameless.
Hey listener real quick.
(22:29):
This is the data coming to you.
Stay tuned after the episode.
For some funny outtakes thatdidn't make it in the episode.
Ashton (24:11):
It awkward?
I think I wouldn't say it's hardto hear.
I think sometimes for me, it'slike you, you question the
validity sometimes.
Like for me.
And so, and then it also kind ofcreates, like, I don't know, on
the flip side though it can bevery nice to hear because you
could be feeling a sense ofinsecurity in a specific area.
(24:36):
I'll use, I'll use a specificexample, actually.
My birthday was last month,actually.
Oh, dang it.
It's later in September than Ithought it was.
I was gonna say a month ago.
It's been longer than a month.
Anyway when we had mine,something I remember is Gideon
said something that he lovedabout me was that...
I could find the fun in a lot ofsituations.
(24:57):
And for me, like at the momentthat I was like, Oh yeah, thanks
man.
You know, I appreciate that.
It because like there was, therewas things that I was trying to
figure out and balance aroundthat that same time.
So it was, it was, it was goodfor me to hear.
So like on one hand, sometimesyou can question what people
have to say.
And then on other hand, Likelike it's gonna
Dad (25:19):
stop real quick Cuz I complimented you early on you
not using like all the time andyou used like 20 times in that
Let's try the whole thing onemore time.
Oh, I
Ashton (25:28):
don't know if
Dad (25:28):
I can do that again Starting from what I enjoyed
appreciated from getting was Yes
Ashton (25:34):
Okay, so I'm gonna I'm going to really rewind then
because all right So
Dad (25:45):
Right.
And that's, and that's what I'mworking on, is not saying right
all the time.
Correct.
Ha
Ashton (25:54):
ha ha.
Is that different?
No,
Dad (25:57):
it's not.
Correct.
Gid (25:59):
You're correct.
You're,
Ashton (26:01):
you're not...
Correct.
Dad (26:05):
Ha ha ha
Ashton (26:06):
Yes So you are playing footsies, apparently now they're
both gone.
Dad (26:23):
All right, the
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