March 23, 2025 • 63 mins
What if your relationship struggles aren't actually about the other person? What if the key to lasting happiness lies in recognizing that you're the common denominator in all your problems?
Christy Holt, the self-proclaimed "Happiness Hussy," joins us to share her transformative journey from people-pleasing and perfectionism to genuine self-acceptance. Drawing from her own experiences of divorce, parenting challenges, and personal growth, Christy reveals how taking "radical responsibility" for our lives can fundamentally change our relationships.
"You don't have a relationship problem, you have an identity problem," Christy challenges, unveiling how our conditioning—especially the "good girl" training many women receive—creates patterns of martyrdom and self-abandonment. She explains how physical illness, emotional distance, and relationship conflict often stem from a fundamental disconnection from ourselves.
The conversation takes powerful turns into boundary-setting, with Christy clarifying the difference between preferences ("you can't do that") and true boundaries ("if you raise your voice, I'll remove myself"). Her insights on unconditional love are particularly illuminating—far from accepting mistreatment, real unconditional love begins with self-compassion and includes healthy boundaries.
Throughout our discussion, Christy's infectious energy and compassionate wisdom shine through as she shares practical strategies from her CREATE method for reclaiming your authentic self. Whether you're struggling with people-pleasing, boundary issues, or relationship conflicts, her message carries a liberating truth: you don't need to become someone new—you need to come home to who you've always been.
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Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth
DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carmen Lezeth (00:01):
Hey everyone, welcome to All About the Joy.
The private lounge.
Cynthia's in the house, rickCost is in the house and we are
so happy to welcome our guest,christy Holt.
How are you?
We have been trying so hard todo this and so I'm so glad.
(00:23):
I think this is the perfecttime, though, for whatever
reason, I had to cancel with youonce and then you had a
conflict, and it's all good.
We're here now.
I am just glad to have you onthe show.
I'm going to start with thefirst question, because this
happiness, hussy, thingamajiggyhad me floored when your people
reached out to me.
So I want to know where thatcomes from, because it's
(00:45):
hilarious and cool and memorable, and I want to know how you got
into this about someone whodidn't really see me as all that
(01:05):
positive.
Christy Holt (01:05):
They kind of were, it was really a reflection of
them.
But my cousin kind of said tome in response to this, like, oh
you, happiness, hussy.
You like, how dare you be sopositive?
And I was like, oh my gosh, I'myeah, I'm stealing that because
, yeah, what better to representthe mission that I'm on to
spread happiness throughout theworld and to do that with just a
little side of sass?
Cynthia Lopez (01:26):
So yeah, I love that you know because, it is
kind of cool, I like that, withthe side of sass Turning a
negative into a positive.
I like that.
Carmen Lezeth (01:37):
That's a cool tagline.
Do you have that on yourwebsite?
I didn't see that with a littleside of sass.
Christy Holt (01:43):
I don't know if I do, but I have a bunch of swear
I call them sweary AFmeditations that I've created
and I think, I think I probablyuse that within my, my copy of
those pages of the differentsweary meditations, because they
are, they're like you know, zenwith a side of sass, basically.
Carmen Lezeth (02:03):
Yeah, that's so cool and you can swear on this
show because we all know I mean,I don't swear, I never swear
she lies I'm the one you knowcloser to the lord and
everything.
So how did you get into thisfield?
How did you become an expert inthe work that you do?
(02:25):
Because I find that story far,far more interesting than I
thought I would.
Christy Holt (02:31):
Yeah, you know, I think, like everyone else in the
world, we just are on a journey.
Right, we're on a journey,we're going through stuff, we're
having all of these experiencesand every single one of those
experiences leads us to where weare today.
And so, just like everybodyelse, I've been through some
shit over the years and you knowI've been married and divorced
twice.
(02:51):
I finally figured out therelationship thing, which is a
big piece of it.
You know I have struggled withanxiety and overthinking and
overwhelm and perfectionism andpeople pleasing, just like
everybody else, right.
Cynthia Lopez (03:06):
Which I think we all do yeah.
Christy Holt (03:08):
I mean, the conditioning is so heavy for
especially women and and sorrythis is, you know, might
resonate a little bit, but I'mgoing to talk to the women just
for a minute here, with the sortof good girl conditioning that
we're meant to be nurturing atall costs.
You know, men on the flip sidehave to be, you know, a good boy
, but that looks different.
That is more like beingsuccessful and winning at all
(03:31):
costs, right, and being toughand strong, whereas women are
almost conditioned to be themartyr in a lot of situations,
right, we're kind of told thatwe should be nurturing and
giving even if we don't havemuch left to give, and so that
conditioning underlies a lot ofthe challenges that we often
have as adults.
And so I was dealing with a lotof that, and especially in my
(03:53):
second marriage, I learned somuch.
First of all, that's where Ibecame a parent, which I'll tell
you what I don't know.
If any of y'all have kids I'msure some listeners out there do
, I don't they are both thegreatest challenge and the
greatest gift, because we learnso much.
I don't think that I havelearned as much from anything
(04:16):
else as I have from parenting,because it's a mirror reflection
of yourself which is that agood thing?
Carmen Lezeth (04:27):
Is that a good thing?
I don't know.
Christy Holt (04:30):
It's a good thing when it comes to, you know,
promoting your growth, but itmight not be comfortable a lot
of the time and that's wherethat challenge piece comes from.
But back to really, you know,the question of what you were
asking in the first place is Ikind of came to this like holy
shit moment where I had thisrealization I'm the common
(04:51):
denominator in all of theseproblems, right, and all the,
all the things that I wasperceiving my relationship with
my kids, with my you know,everything that was going on
around me.
Basically, I realized, oh mygosh, it's me, and that was for
a moment a little bit like, youknow, kneecapping me.
(05:12):
Oh my God, it's me.
Carmen Lezeth (05:16):
I think so many times we blame everybody else,
so we blame the circumstances orwhatever.
So it's really hard to come tothat realization.
But okay, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Christy Holt (05:31):
It's so much more comfortable to point the finger
and blame someone else, becauseyou know what that means.
That means we don't have tochange, which is very
uncomfortable, right, and that'sessentially where I was before
I hit that realization.
I was pointing fingers at mypartner and wishing he was gonna
change and hoping he was gonnachange, and complaining to my
friends that he wasn't doingwhat I thought he should be
(05:53):
doing.
But who was looking at me?
Well, probably he was, but wewere both.
And so when I realized, likeholy shit, like I'm actually the
one who is in, you know, in allof these things, I mean, first
of all, I recognize that thiscould go a couple of different
(06:14):
ways.
Number one you could go in theguilt and shame spiral on that
one, and thankfully I didn't,because that's not helpful or
productive.
Instead, I took that sort ofepiphany like come to Jesus,
holy shit moment, if you will,and I thought I'm the one who
can change this.
Right.
And that's where everythingreally started to shift was when
I started taking what I nowrefer to as radical
(06:35):
responsibility for how I wasshowing up, for how I was
responding, for how I wascreating the experiences that I
was having, because everythinggoes through our own filter, our
own perception.
And if we start to recognizethat, well, then we start taking
back our power.
And it never gave your poweraway.
(06:56):
You can't.
But you start to recognize.
Well, hold on a minute, I'mactually, this is me, I'm
creating this and I can shift it, which is much better than
being stuck in that like blamesituation, is that where you
made a decision to deal with, orto the whole self-love thing.
Carmen Lezeth (07:16):
Yeah Right, you started practicing and you
created something.
I mean, I don't want to jumpahead, um, but I was fascinated
by how you came up with createmethod or something.
Yeah, okay, so you're going toget to that, all right.
Yeah, sure, she's going to beon the show talking herself.
No ask away.
Cynthia Lopez (07:33):
Ask away.
Rick Costa (07:35):
This makes me think of people that they keep going
from job to job to job and thenthey're like yeah, they were
terrible there and they wereterrible there and they were
terrible there and they wereterrible there and they were
terrible.
They'd be like sweetie, it'syou, everybody's primary, it's
you.
Christy Holt (07:50):
Yeah, you know, in relationships people often say
like it's not you, it's me, likelegit, though it is like when
you say it is you, because youare the one who is creating
those circumstances, and thatcan be a really big wake up call
to start to realize like it'sme, which means both.
Both you have to takeaccountability and
(08:11):
responsibility for yourbehaviors, past and present, but
also it empowers you to moveforward in a way that you can
choose right and really stepinto the life that you want.
Instead of sort of living inthis like autopilot, reactionary
living based on your pastexperiences and memories, you
can start to be in the presentmoment and choose a different
(08:33):
path forward.
Cynthia Lopez (08:34):
So yes, yeah, go ahead.
Sorry, I'm actually a littlecurious because I know you were
saying you know someone finallyseeing that they're at fault.
You know that they're thatcommon denominator.
How do you keep from spiralingand getting depressed and
thinking, oh my God, it's myfault, and going down that bad
rabbit hole rather than actuallyturning it around and making it
(08:56):
a positive thing?
Christy Holt (08:58):
Yeah, I mean great question, because a lot of
people really do take that.
The first thing I would sayit's not about fault finding,
it's not about blaming anyone.
It's just simply aboutrecognizing what you've
contributed.
And in my personal story I hada few moments and I'll share one
of them they share actuallyquite often which is I'm going
to use a metaphor you know, whenyou're driving home, you're
(09:20):
driving in the car, but you'relike off in dreamland.
You're thinking about I don'tknow what you're driving in the
car, but you're like off indreamland.
You're thinking about I don'tknow what you're making for
dinner and the show you're gonnawatch later.
Whatever you're driving, you gethome you don't remember
stopping at a single light.
How the hell did I get here?
I don't remember driving reallyright, you were on me all the
time, right and so that I hadsort of a moment like that in my
life where something happenedin my relationship like holy,
(09:43):
holy shit, like how did I gethere?
Like what have I missed?
What have I tolerated, whathave I put up with, what have I
contributed to to get to thisplace where it was almost
unrecognizable?
And so all that to say it's notabout blaming yourself, because
I could blame myself fortolerating things or putting up
(10:04):
with stuff or contributing, butthat wouldn't be helpful, right.
And so it's ultimately justabout ownership and say, yeah,
these are the patterns, and nowthat I'm aware of them, that
actually puts me in thisincredible position to move
forward and choose differently.
So it's not about fault orblame or guilt or shame or any
of that.
That will actually just keepyou stuck in that, in that
(10:25):
spiral, in that negative, inthose repeating patterns.
And is that what you helppeople do figure out their
patterns?
I mean, absolutely it's part ofthe work, and I'll say that the
catalyst to shift from thatblame and guilt and shame game
is self-compassion.
It's being able to giveyourself grace, to say you know
(10:46):
what I made a mistake, I'm onlyhuman.
I didn't know then what I knowright now, right, which is,
which is where we get the guiltand shame from.
We think we always should haveknown better, like oh, because I
think I disagree.
Carmen Lezeth (11:00):
No, I'm just kidding, but I do want to say
look, I should have started atthe beginning
coachchristyholtcom, and that'scoach C-O-A-C-H and Christy is
C-H-R-I-S-T-Y-H-O-L-Tcom.
(11:20):
That's where you can find herbook Love Unstuck.
Is that correct?
You can find out so muchinformation coachchristieholtcom
Very important for everyone toknow that.
I have another question, but Ialmost don't want to stop you,
but I did so.
When you're helping people, isit only specifically for couples
(11:43):
that you work with or do youwork with individuals?
What is the like prime personsthat you want to work with on a?
Christy Holt (11:53):
regular basis?
Great question, I'm open toworking with either.
And because you mentioned itearlier, I do want to highlight
for me I say this very quiteoften that I have a podcast
episode myself all on this topic.
What you don't I have a podcastepisode myself, all on this
topic.
What you don't have is arelationship problem.
What you do have is an identityproblem and most of our
(12:13):
external problems, the thingsthat we perceive as being an
issue with something outside ofourselves, it all comes back to
that filter, that perception,that reaction.
Carmen Lezeth (12:29):
I'm sorry.
I think you need to say thatagain a little louder.
Christy Holt (12:34):
That was a great quote, you don't have a
relationship problem, you havean identity problem, right?
And so, ultimately, while I am,I'm more than happy to work
with couples and give them thetools and strategies that they
need to, you know, create arelationship together that is
not just surviving but trulythriving.
(12:55):
Most of this work is almost onthe individual level, at least,
that is the foundation andbuilding a relationship that is
one of self-love andself-acceptance and
self-compassion, because, afterall we are, you know, we're just
all humans doing this thing andliving one step at a time.
Like I said before, you know, Ithink we're always doing the
(13:19):
very best that we can with theresources and understanding that
we have at the time.
And while it's easy to beatyourself up and, cynthia, to
just kind of really, you know,drive home the point about the
guilt and shame Awareness is abeautiful thing it's not there
to remind you that you're a fuckup and that you did things
wrong and that you should have,should have, could have, would
have, whatever.
It's there to illuminate a pathforward.
(13:43):
So, instead of saying I couldhave, would have, should have
done this differently, it's anopportunity for you to recognize
that you now have a newperspective.
Now you see things differently,and that is really empowering,
so that you can move forwardwith the new information, with
the new perspective and dosomething different right,
instead of staying stuck inthose repeating patterns.
(14:04):
And I will.
Cynthia Lopez (14:09):
I think it's great because I think it'll work
not just with romanticrelationships, but friendships
too, and families, things likethat, I mean.
Christy Holt (14:19):
I don't want to sound like I can fix all of your
problems, because I know myscope and I know you're in
trouble now because that's whatI'm like, but I will say that I
do firmly believe that a lot ofthe problems that we perceive in
our experience can be rectifiedby really building that solid
(14:39):
relationship with yourself.
This does mean unlearningconditioning.
That's not helping you.
It means unlearning all of theall of the things that other
people told you that you could,should, would be that you didn't
want to be you know.
It means looking at thosebeliefs that you're carrying
from wherever you might havepicked them up.
It means processing throughunprocessed trauma.
(15:01):
It means learning to hold spacefor your emotions so that they
don't get trapped in yourphysical body.
It means learning differentskills and resourcing yourself
so that you can respond right,so you can regulate your nervous
system and respond versusreacting right, and this puts
you in a really powerfulposition to deal with any kind
of problems.
(15:22):
And I do focus on relationships, but that's not to say that
these, these tools are not goingto help you in absolutely every
potential relationship you have, including, for example, the
relationship you have with yourbody or the relationship you
have with money.
Right, everything isrelationship, and I wanted to
(15:42):
also just touch on.
you mentioned the create method,so I just wanted to kind of
give like just like touch onthat, because that is my
signature system and it's not alinear system.
It's not like step one, steptwo, step three it's an acronym,
but all the pieces flowtogether because life is not
linear.
And so this is doing thingslike looking at your limiting
(16:06):
beliefs right, it is looking atthe way that you set your day up
and you know, creating aroutine for success.
It means looking at how you'refueling your body, how you're
hydrating, how you're movingyour body to stay in shape and
physically feel good.
It is about thinking anddreaming bigger.
It's about tapping into theauthentic you and really
(16:29):
creating a vision for the lifethat you want.
And then it's taking all of thatand bringing it from the
knowledge state where, like, youknow stuff and you're like
that's cool and I know what Ishould be doing and actually
embodying those pieces, so thatyou are having the lived
experience that has aligned withthat version of yourself that
(16:50):
you really want to be.
And I just want to say one lastpiece on this no, go right
ahead, you don't have to becomesomeone else.
You're already that.
You right here, right now.
So sometimes we forget, weforget how powerful we are, we
forget that we're whole.
We we get duped into thinkingthat we're broken or something
missing that needs fixing andhealing.
But truly what we need is tocome home to ourselves and
(17:14):
remember that we are whole.
Carmen Lezeth (17:16):
I feel like you are and I hope you take this
from the loving place it'scoming from but I feel like
you're a motivational,inspirational kind of speaker
and I don't want to use guru ina bad way, but your energy is
infectious, you know and the wayin which you speak really comes
(17:37):
from a place of like love.
I can, yeah, you can feel it,yeah.
Cynthia Lopez (17:42):
Right yeah, thank you.
Carmen Lezeth (17:45):
Thank you for feeling me and seeing me.
No, no, no, that's so true.
So I kind of love that.
I have to say this isn't what Iexpected, am I wrong?
It's in a good way, hopefully.
No, it's in a good way.
It's so hard, because when youdon't know people like you know
I'm lucky, because sometimes wehave guests on that I do know,
(18:11):
but so far the three peoplewe've had on that I don't know
I'm like, oh my God, this is thebest.
It's true though.
This is so good.
I hope you're enjoying yourselftoo.
At the moment I have morequestions, but I don't want to
step on.
Rick or Cindy, go ahead, okay,go ahead, okay, go ahead.
Rick Costa (18:24):
I was going to say.
One thing you said to me that'ssuper fascinating is holding
emotions in your body, and Ibelieve people do do that.
Not only do they do that, itcauses them to get sick and
they're like why am I sick allthe time?
Absolutely, Because you'reholding all this.
You've got to let it go.
Christy Holt (18:45):
I mean I don't know cliche, but I mean it's
easier said than done, right,when we haven't been given the
tools we maybe haven't beenmodeled, healthy emotional
expression.
This is not, you know, it'ssomething that's very healthy to
do and we just often, manypeople, just don't know about it
.
And I want to just go back forone second, carmen, because I am
nobody's guru and I love that.
Rick Costa (19:02):
I didn't mean it that way.
Christy Holt (19:07):
I didn't know what you meant, but I often do say
I'm nobody's guru, because Idon't think.
I don't proclaim to have all theanswers, I'm just a human on a
journey like everybody else,right, and I'm really good at
helping you find your answers.
That's where the magic lies,it's not in someone else.
Again, this is kind of thisidea I'm broken and I need
fixing and I need someone elseto tell me what to do.
(19:28):
No, you don't.
You just need someone torecognize you and to love you
and accept you in your wholenessand help you find your truths,
your answers and your, your,whatever you're meant to do and
be in and have within you.
So yeah, I just wanted to touchon that.
Carmen Lezeth (19:45):
Yeah, but I just think you, okay, I hear you, I'm
not going to fight what youwant, I don't feel like you're
offering cookie cutter solutions, because again, everybody's
different, everybody's situationis different.
Rick Costa (19:58):
Everybody's different, response is different
.
So yeah, there is no one fitsall.
Carmen Lezeth (20:03):
Yeah, but if she has taken the time, I'm gonna
talk like you're not here.
She has taken the time and shehas used her experience and she
has studied this, like, like, Ithink there's something to be.
This is your expertise and I'mnot gonna allow you to kind of
dismiss it like we have you onthe show, cause I know you can
help people.
I feel helped already.
(20:24):
I hear you, but I'm just goingto push back just a tiny bit.
But okay, I know the horribleword.
I meant it more likesarcastically, but yeah, I know
I think it's kind of looking.
I'm going to be straight up,cause now I feel really
comfortable.
I hate the word life coach.
I cannot stand people who claimto be life coaches, cause I'm
(20:45):
like you need to have had a lifebefore you can call yourself a
life coach and people who areactually life coaches are people
like you know, um Gandhi, butthey would never call themselves
.
He would never have said that.
You know what I mean?
Oprah would never walk aroundsaying that she's a life coach
or right.
People have had a life and havedone something extraordinary,
whatever.
So I get annoyed and so I'malways a little bit hesitant.
(21:08):
Yeah, but here you are.
I don't call myself, I know youdon't, but this is what I'm
trying to say.
The irony of ironies is is youhave focused Cause.
I think this is important too,as women.
Right, you have focused onsomething, you've become an
(21:30):
expert in something and you havea viable thing, that you're a
service that you're providingthat we need, especially in this
country right now.
We really need it, and I thinkthat is important and I won't
push it down, you know what Imean.
Like, I'm just glad to meet you.
Um, I haven't shot with you guystoo, so yeah, no, let me ask
(21:53):
you this question about peoplepleasing, because some people,
when you were younger, when youwere younger, when you were
younger, you know.
I was always my cousin, by theway people pleasing is something
(22:15):
that has always, uh, disturbedme, because I don't know where
we learned that from, but canyou talk a little bit about that
because I know you mentionedthat somewhere in my research of
you.
Christy Holt (22:26):
So, yeah, definitely, I actually even have
a whole whole free resource onpeople pleasing and I've
actually a couple of podcastepisodes dedicated to the topic.
I think it's a really pervasiveissue and a lot of times people
don't recognize that whatthey're doing is people pleasing
.
So I kind of want to start witha couple of examples, just to
make sure we're on the same pageof what might look like people
(22:48):
pleasing, because I think somepeople are like I'm not trying
to please other people, but,subtly, you're doing stuff
because you want them to likeyou, right?
You're doing stuff because youwant to be validated, you want
to feel valued by someone else,you are maybe expecting a
certain kind of response fromsomeone, and so, in a subtle way
(23:12):
, people pleasing can come offas a bit of a manipulation.
Now, before people freak outbecause I said this before and
people kind of freaked out aboutit, I don't mean like bad
manipulation, like ill willed,necessarily I.
I just mean you're behaving ina certain way to create a
specified outcome that you'dlike to see happen.
Right, that is manipulation, inthe same way that me moving
(23:32):
this cup over here ismanipulation, right, trying to
create an outcome.
I think, for the most part, alot of the people tendencies
come from childhood trauma.
They come often from a parentchild relationship where
generally, probably by no faultof the parent on purpose again,
(23:53):
no ill intent created thisresponse from the child
realizing I need to, you know,behave a certain way in order to
get my needs met right, whetherthat be food or water or
emotional needs, whatever thatmight look like.
And so you know, maybe you were,I don't know, called out for
(24:14):
being bad, being too loud, beingtoo needy to whatever else, and
you adjust yourself in responseto that.
Often this comes from childhoodbecause well, I mean, it could
happen later as well but becausewe don't really have the skills
to move through those emotionalresponses, to process them, and
they end up stuck in our bodies, right, like, like I was saying
(24:36):
, that gets stuck in your bodyand you can have all kinds of
things from disease to, you know, major major illness, major
chronic pain.
You can have a lot of differentoutcomes and sometimes it
manifests smaller, and GaborMate has done some research
showing some links betweenpeople pleasing and cancer.
So we'll just you can go lookthat up.
(24:57):
If you are a people pleaser,you might want to know that
repressed anger and peoplepleasing can be a significant
contributor to some of theseserious illnesses.
Carmen Lezeth (25:09):
Can I ask you a question, though?
Why is people pleasing bad,people pleasing bad?
Christy Holt (25:14):
Well, that's a great question.
So to me, the real problem withit is is not that it's not.
There's no problem with wantingto do nice things for other
people.
There's nothing wrong withwanting a positive outcome.
The problem lies when we takeit so far that we are
sacrificing our own needs in theprocess and that we are acting
(25:37):
in a way that is detrimental toourselves.
So I like to differentiatebeing nice quote, quote, unquote
nice, which actually means tobe pleasing and agreeable,
versus being kind, which is sortof stemming from love and can
be both kind for others andyourself.
(25:57):
Right, and because of this sortof manipulative energy, it's
almost like people pleasingrequires us to contort ourselves
into something that we're notin order to get that outcome
Right.
And when we're contortingourselves and being someone that
we're not, we create adissonance within ourselves,
(26:18):
we're not being authentic toourselves and we actually create
distance from ourselves and thethings that we really want by
creating this energetic gapRight.
Cynthia Lopez (26:35):
My God, this is so deep.
Christy Holt (26:37):
I'm going to kind of circle it back to the
authenticity of like, theauthentic piece, because people
might think like it's no bigdeal, I'm people pleasing and
I'm exhausted, what else am Igoing to do?
Like, I got to take care of myfamily and I got to do all this
stuff, but they're miserable,right, and this is actually the
missing piece to your happinessand it's not finding the next, I
(26:58):
don't know handbag or pair ofshoes or whatever else you know,
to make you happy in the moment.
It's about really bringing youback to a state of inner
happiness which is truly yourfoundational beingness, is your
true nature, is to be happy andmaybe, if happy doesn't resonate
for you I often use happy, butmaybe it's peace you know, maybe
(27:19):
it's joy maybe it's I don'tknow whatever other word really
resonates with you, but likethis, the state of feeling good,
like you call it what you like,but this inner feeling of just
I'm going to be okay, you know,I feel that bring you to
authenticity.
Yeah, and chaos can be allaround, right, but you can still
feel that brings me toauthenticity.
Yeah, and chaos can be allaround, right, but you can still
feel that solid wholeness, thatpeace, that love, that joy
(27:41):
within yourself and operate fromthat perspective.
And that requires you to be intouch with you, to know who you
are, to know what that feelslike, right in that, that true
you, that true nature ofyourself that gives you the
ability to understand where youend and where other people begin
(28:02):
.
Right, like that part too, andthat's what I'm going to ask,
yeah.
Rick Costa (28:07):
I'll say, and it's kind of like, when you're such a
people pleaser and I sufferedfrom that too, because my dad
was very abusive, physically,beat me and stuff, so I just
didn't want to get beat, so Ibecame a people pleaser it's
like are you living for you?
Are you living for them?
Because it's like, if you'realways on guard and everything
like you can't relax, you can'tbe you, because you're always
making sure they're okay.
(28:27):
It's like what about you,though?
What about me?
Carmen Lezeth (28:30):
Yeah, yeah, Rick do you think?
You're a people, pleaser.
Rick Costa (28:34):
I'm aware of it, so I try not to be, but it's, you
know, it's in the back of thehead there still.
Christy Holt (28:41):
Yeah, and that can really lead back to that
identity piece, right when youare so busy performing so that
you can create safety, you knowin your environment and in your
relationships that you forgetwho you are right and then you
start to ask like, well, who amI?
I don't know who I am outsideof all of these performative
things that I'm doing to createthis experience, which I don't
(29:04):
even like, I don't even enjoy it.
It's just feel like I have to.
Carmen Lezeth (29:09):
I think I'm performative at work, every
single day, there's no doubtabout it.
Every single day.
I'm so good at it and I'm verymanipulative.
I tell people all the time inmy office I'm like listen, stop
going to him this way.
You need to manipulate thesituation Like.
I say it straight up because ifnot, we'll just end up fighting
with this man right One of myclients.
(29:31):
Whatever God, I hope he neverlistens to this, but I mean.
It mean also that part of ittoo.
Like you, I mean everything yousaid.
There's so much layers there,but it's all true?
Cynthia Lopez (29:44):
yeah, absolutely I.
I have a question.
So, going back to the emotions,um, you said you work with
couples and individuals.
Do you ever see a betterresponse from men or from women,
or is it just kind of differentBecause you know it resonates
with everyone differently?
Christy Holt (30:03):
I think it's completely individual and,
honestly, I think the key thingwhen looking at like how
someone's going to respond isjust their readiness and their
willingness, because the truthis, you will not change anyone
else.
Like you can hope and wish anddream for all damn day long, the
only person that you can changeis yourself, and so this is
(30:24):
probably very annoyingly andunderlying theme of my work is
that you can't change anyoneelse, so I will talk to you
about those.
You know circumstances that youmay be experiencing conflict
with your partner or feeling a.
You know circumstances that youmay be experiencing conflict
with your partner or feeling a.
You know a certain feelingtowards your partner and I'm
just like it's you.
It's you at the, at the heart ofit, it's you and so that's so
(30:47):
annoying to hear and like, oh mygosh, like my partner is
narcissistic and it's so toxic.
No, listen, that may be, butwe're going to talk about you
right now, because talking aboutthem is not going to change
your circumstance.
And trust me, girl, I know fromfirsthand experience.
I did this for years.
I can't wait.
I got the T-shirt.
So, yeah, I tell you that Iwant you to see something
(31:09):
different in your outcome.
It's going to be you who'sgoing to have to decide to do
something different.
Carmen Lezeth (31:14):
Okay, there are two people who want to see that.
I cannot wait to send it tosend them the link, cannot wait.
I love that because it's trueand I I say a similar thing when
it comes to work.
I'm like we can't change thisproducer, we cannot.
Like we have people that wework with that are just they've
(31:36):
been there for 30 years, they'reidiots, you know what I mean.
Like they're gonna we there'snothing I can do to change them
and I'm like we need in theirways well, but I'm not going to
fix somebody who is like intheir 60s, like, and it's not my
job you can't yeah withouttheir permission, you know
(32:00):
energy, because I'm like how canI fix, how can we do what we
need to do over here so that wecan get it done and move it
through, because all we can dois change the way we do things.
Yeah, that's a really powerfulthing, yeah.
Christy Holt (32:13):
And how do you change how you respond to
difficult situations andstubborn people or people that
saying?
F you isn't good like just fyou it depends on the outcome
that you want to have, right.
I I do have a a podcast episodespeaking about conflict,
because it is something thatpeople really encounter a lot
(32:34):
and I think that a few keytakeaways from that.
You can obviously check out theepisode about conflict for my
conflict resolution yeah yeah,um, it's called advanced
techniques for conflictresolution, I believe, or
something like that.
Carmen Lezeth (32:46):
I don't know, don't quote me on that I didn't
write down the whole thing, butyeah, I listened to it.
But go ahead yeah it.
Christy Holt (32:51):
You know, having your intention for the
interaction is really important,right?
Because maybe, maybe fuck offis the right response If you
actually want to decisively endthat connection, yeah, maybe
that's the right response.
But if it's your partner andyou don't really want to spend
money to get a divorce, maybethat's not the best solution,
(33:13):
right?
In that case, a divorce, maybethat's not the best solution,
right?
So maybe in that case, you'regoing to, you know, go into the
conversation and address it fromthe lens of love and compassion
, from the perspective of anintention of maintaining
connection above all else, right, remembering in those
situations that you're on thesame team, right, that you're
not fighting against each other.
You're problem solving togetheras a unit so that you can move
(33:37):
together stronger.
So, yeah, intention reallymatters and keeping that in mind
is really important so that youcan move through those
difficult conflicts and get theoutcomes that you ultimately do
desire.
Rick Costa (33:49):
Yeah, nobody can control somebody's reactions,
you can only control your own.
Christy Holt (33:55):
You control how you respond.
That is you in your power, youcontrolling how you respond.
I'll tell you, I have had manyopportunities as of late to
really witness my own growthfrom the last 10 years or even
the last five years years.
(34:18):
And it's amazing to have thatnew, that new understanding of
like holy crap, like how farI've come.
Because I have hadcircumstances recently where I
think back like, ooh, like five,eight, 10 years ago, me would
not have handled that well,right, I would have been
devastated, I would have been ananxious mess, I would have been
overwhelmed and right in aspiral, which is actually what
my first book was about.
It's about stopping the spiralso that you can respond rather
(34:40):
than just react.
And now I can sit there and belike, okay, like that's really
interesting.
Other people's emotionaldefensive outbursts or upset or
challenge it, like I know whereI end and I know where they
begin.
So I don't take their stuff on.
I can hold space for them right, I can validate their
(35:01):
experience.
I don't have to, I don't haveto fix it.
That's not my job.
My job if I'm going to have ajob at all here would be to
listen right, to hold space forthem, to create an opportunity
for them to problem solve theirown problems with some support,
maybe with some questions, right?
And then I?
(35:21):
My website is coach Christy Holt, but I really see myself more
as a mentor and I call myself ahappiness and love guide, cause
coach feels like telling peoplewhat to do and that's really not
how I roll.
I don't like.
I'm a firm believer of try thison right, try on this idea.
Does it fit?
Does it?
How does it?
You know how does it feel?
What?
(35:41):
What?
You know what's different inyour life if you were to try
this on and wear it around for alittle bit and if it doesn't
fit, if it feels bad, you takeit off and try something else on
right.
So I'm a firm believer of thatapproach and really just being
there for people and allowingthem the space to feel what
they're going to feel, toexpress what they're going to
express, express and holding myown boundaries for me, right,
(36:05):
I'm not about to toleratemistreatment either.
This is also very closelylinked to the people.
Pleasing is boundary setting,because people pleasers
generally don't have noboundaries, right they're like
oh, do whatever you like, Idon't know how to deal with you.
Or if they do have boundaries,they have a lot of instances,
maybe, of people just tramplingall over them and they're not
(36:27):
sure how to enforce them.
They're not sure how to stand upfor themselves.
Yeah, I mean, boundaries arereally this important, pivotal
piece that interlock with thepeople pleasing, because often
people who are people pleasingdo not have a strong
understanding of what theirboundaries are.
They do not know where they endand where other people begin.
(36:48):
They can end up taking onemotions and problems of other
people's like it's their own,carrying this heavy weight and
instead, if they can learn toset healthy boundaries, it is
actually a beautiful gift, notjust for other people.
It's not just about eliminatingthe problems and walling people
out and protecting yourself.
Boundaries are an invitationinward.
(37:09):
They are a guidebook for thosearound you to show you, to show
them, to give them directions onhow you will most feel loved,
respected and honored, and thosewho really truly want to be in
a deep relationship with you aregoing to truly value knowing
what it is that really feelsgood for you and what doesn't,
(37:32):
so that they can act accordingly.
Carmen Lezeth (37:34):
But people don don't.
It's so funny because I saythis differently than you do.
But people like, want structure.
People don't like when you showthem your boundaries.
Some people will accept it thepeople that want to be in your
life.
But I know for a fact peoplethat I gave boundaries to and
said I will not tolerate thisare mad and angry and move away,
(37:58):
and I'm like.
To me that's a blessing.
It's a blessing.
Christy Holt (38:00):
It's a blessing, easy button right.
And this is the thing I thinkpeople most worry about setting
boundaries, because they don'twant to lose people and they
don't want to hurt people oroffend people.
But the thing is, most of thetime those are the very people
we really need the freakingboundaries for right, because
they're the ones that trampleall over our boundaries and
(38:21):
mistreat us and we then we feelhelpless to respond to that.
The truth is, if we just setclear boundaries and I also just
for anybody listening that'slike not totally clear on what a
boundary is and isn't.
I want to give an example Okay,you can't do, that is not a
boundary, that is a preferenceand that is a request.
Maybe, at best, probably notgoing to go over very well,
(38:44):
because actually you can't do.
That really brings up like thiscounter will in people.
They're like I'm not, so thenthey like even more, want to do
it, so you can't do that oranything like that is not a
boundary.
Now another an example of aboundary would be if you raise
your voice when we're having aconversation, I will remove
myself until we can speak calmly.
(39:05):
This is about you and yourresponse.
So I think a lot of people arelike ah, I said boundaries and
people just don't listen.
Are you setting a true boundaryor are you just telling people
your preferences and thengetting mad because they don't
see the preferences the same,because you're not going to
control that person?
You can let them know yourpreference, and that's fine too,
(39:27):
but you have an expectationthat everybody else is going to
be like oh I see things exactlythe same and I'm going to do
exactly what you want.
That would be crazy, because wewouldn't want to be in that
flip side where someone tells ushow to behave all the time.
Carmen Lezeth (39:42):
Right.
So I want to go back to thispart that you said, where, oh
man, I just had a moment.
Oh, you were just sayingsomething and it just splashed
in my head.
We're going to have to editthis out too.
Christy Holt (39:53):
No, we're real humans here.
Carmen Lezeth (39:58):
When you talked about the reason why people
don't like to set up boundariesis because they're afraid of
losing people.
I think that's a powerful thing, cause I remember having a
conversation Rick, you and I hada conversation about this kind
of same thing with individualsin our lives that we needed to
cut out, and it was a hardconversation, but I think a lot
(40:19):
of that is.
But if I don't keep them, thenI'm losing friends, I'm losing
people in my life to interactwith.
Rick Costa (40:28):
Yeah, another great example too is, I've said I, I
know distinctly, cause it hit mehard.
You were talking about um,christy, thanksgiving and
setting boundaries at that time,and that's family, you know,
and it's not like, oh,associations or like friends,
like kind of almost sort ofcan't avoid them, and it's like,
how do you balance?
(40:49):
I don't want to tick them off,but you talked about
Thanksgiving as an example.
Christy Holt (40:52):
We're talking about boundaries and that really
hit home for me, if youremember, I don't know I'm
talking about that, but that forme at home, yeah, I mean it is
hard because often we don't wantto set boundaries because we
don't want to damage therelationship.
But I think that means we'recoming at boundaries from a
warped sense, because boundariesaren't meant to be.
(41:13):
You can't do this to me andyou're going to ruin our
relationship by doing this.
It's simply saying, if you dothis thing, I'm going to respond
in this way, just so that I canhonor my needs.
It doesn't make you an asshole.
I mean, sometimes I guess maybeit doesn't.
But some people are going to behow they're going to be and
(41:34):
instead of getting upset thatthey're not being how we want
them to be, we just manage ourresponse to it right.
We decide this is the actionthat I'm going to take and so
for Thanksgiving, we don't wantto maybe spend all day doing
something with family.
We want to limit it to a coupleof hours.
We don't say I can't believeyou're having dinner and I'm
(41:56):
can't, you can't have that andyou can't tell me what to do and
I'm not going to do that.
You just say you know what I?
I would be happy to come fortwo hours, after which I need to
go home and have a nap becausewe have another commitment in
the evening, and that's justwhat I need for me.
And it's really hard for peopleto come up with a lot of
counter will when we frame itthat way, right, it's easy when
(42:17):
we're like, well, you can't, youknow you've got to do this and
I can't stand it when you dothat and these are my
preferences, Of course they'regoing to come back.
You would do the same, right,If someone started to tell you
you can't do something you kindof want to, just kind of want to
do it.
Carmen Lezeth (42:31):
It's kind of like oh how you, even though you
don't want them around you, likeyou're saying, you're still
going to go put yourself in asituation.
Thanksgiving was a greatexample You're still going to go
put yourself in a situation.
I mean, maybe you're not, buthe just said it's very difficult
(42:54):
, so he has to.
Christy Holt (42:57):
I mean that's like a very personal decision, but I
would say, if you had a realtoxic family, I think it would
be fully within your right tosay it's in my best interest to
honor myself and not be in thepresence of these people,
because that's what I've beendoing for years.
Carmen Lezeth (43:10):
Thank you, I just want it to be validated.
I want to make sure it goes onmy mind.
Christy Holt (43:18):
You got to listen to your heart right.
You're the only one who knowswhat's really best for you, at
the core of it.
And, yeah, we can lose track ofour identity and we can lose
track of what's really good forus, because trauma, when trauma
is less about the severity ofthe trauma itself, it's more in
the processing and how we movedthrough it afterwards and the
(43:38):
completing the cycle of trauma,so that we can move forward and
not carry that trauma into.
You know our future experiencesand interactions.
But you have to stand up foryourself, because I think that
people get really sucked intothis idea of like, well, if you
know unconditional love, I fullybelieve unconditional love
(44:00):
completely exists.
And I have a lot of people thatwould argue with me that you
can't do that because what ifpeople mistreat you?
Well, I would argue that thatis not unconditional love any
longer.
Carmen Lezeth (44:11):
Exactly Right, you answered the question.
Christy Holt (44:13):
Unconditional love does not exist apart from
boundaries.
They come part and parceltogether because unconditional
love goes both ways.
Right, it's respect, and Ithink that the people that came
at me when I said somethingalong that effect like you know,
unconditional love is real thepeople that kind of came at me
were like, well, like what ifhe's being toxic?
(44:34):
Well then I would say you'renot unconditionally loving
yourself for remaining in thatrelationship.
Yeah Right, this has got to goboth ways.
We, we both need to set healthyboundaries with one another.
We both need to openlycommunicate those things and we
both need to come at it.
(44:54):
Yes, with standards, and yeah,we're probably going to have
some expectations.
But if we can find someone whowe can love and accept as they
are as a human being and reallyapproach you know, being
together as a partnership wherewe're learning and we're growing
together, and generallyapproach one another with loving
(45:15):
, kindness and minus theassumptions and judgments, and
just do life together, we canreally do this in a very
peaceful way and we can.
Carmen Lezeth (45:25):
But I mean I think it sounds good, but I
don't think it it's.
I mean it sounds great but thetruth is it doesn't.
It's not that easy, like evenif, because people get into
those moments where they theycross those boundaries or they
don't accept that person'sboundaries, or do you know but
that's where you step in andmaybe try to help people right,
(45:45):
like, where do you step in tohelp couples or people dealing
with their family members orwhatever?
When, when, how do you stepinto it?
I guess is the question.
Christy Holt (45:56):
I'll say this really ties back to what we
talked about earlier.
I will step in when you areready to make a change and
you're not quite sure how to goabout it.
You know, maybe you recognizelike I'm not here to help people
that are, like, really stuck inthe shit, and I have a huge
amount of compassion for them.
But what I have observed frommy own experience firsthand is
that when you're buried in thein the muck, you are not looking
(46:19):
to change.
Right, you were, you were kindof buried in the muck, and so I
want someone who's at leastreaching out the muck ready to
say I'm going to takeresponsibility for myself, I'm
going to do the things that Ican to change.
Maybe they've had sort of a bitof a realization that this
attempts to change everyone elsein the circumstances is is is
growing tired, right, it's right, you child, they're kind of
(46:42):
fucking over it.
And they actually want realchange and they're willing to do
that.
Not that easy part, and I'llsay it doesn't have to be that
damn hard.
It feels like when you're inthe muck.
It feels like it's impossibleBecause you can't see.
Carmen Lezeth (46:56):
You just can't see.
Christy Holt (46:58):
And so you know, just need someone to help have
some eyes for you, to have somebelief, to hold some space for
you and some hope for you.
Carmen Lezeth (47:05):
Can we talk about unconditional love again?
Because I'm one of those peoplethat I think everyone believes
that they practice unconditionallove, but we do not.
It's very rare.
It's very rare Unconditionallove, yeah, and I mean that's my
, my perspective, because Idon't think we actually practice
(47:26):
it ourselves and I think itgoes back to what you're saying.
You could tell me if I'm wrong.
It's because we don't knowourselves well enough and we
don't have any boundaries or wedon't set those.
I mean, tell me what you think,cause that's why, when you said
unconditional love, I was likecause people always say that,
but it's not true.
Christy Holt (47:43):
Yeah, and, like I said, it's not.
You know, unconditional love isnot without any sort of
boundaries.
Or, you know, you still want tomatch the people that are
closest in your life.
You still want them to be agood match, right A?
Cynthia Lopez (47:57):
good alignment for you.
Christy Holt (47:59):
But I think unconditional love can be
extended to other people.
And it's not like you're saying, hey, everything they do is
perfect and great, and I agreewith it.
That's not unconditional loveeither.
It's just simply saying they'rehaving their experience right.
It's it's born of every momentof life that they've lived up
until now and you will havenever any idea of what that all
(48:21):
entails.
And so just being able to say,like I really can't know what
has led to this person being inthis place right here and right
now, and just having compassion,like even the wildest people I
can still look at and be likeOoh, like what have they been
through that?
Carmen Lezeth (48:37):
I've.
I can give an example of theperfect kind of unconditional
love I can.
So I know of a father whosedaughter was a drug addict and
he had to make the decision forthe family to let her go.
And it took every like to lether go because she'd been in
(49:02):
rehab, he's helped her so muchor whatever, and people were so
upset with him, other people inthe family were so upset with
him and I remember thinking likesee, that's unconditional love,
because he knows there'snothing else he can do.
He has to let her do what shehas to do and just let her know
I'm here when you're ready.
(49:23):
And it's the weird thingbecause we think it's the
opposite, like he's supposed tobe the you know, and and I
remember thinking to myself likeI don't think I could, I don't
even got no children, and I waslike in pain watching this
happen.
But it was the right thing todo because, oh, thank God, or
whatever you believe in universe, she, you know, she's fine,
fine, and I think she's 20 yearssober you know I should say not
(49:51):
sober.
I guess sober is for both, butyou know what I mean?
Christy Holt (49:54):
20, 20 years something sometimes what we
really need is someone tofreaking trust us to do what's
right for us.
Right and I'll.
Okay, well, okay, well, guiltyconfession here I love me some
reality TV like love is blind.
Okay, I love this shit becauseI love watching humans.
(50:16):
It's fascinating, okay.
But before I dive into that, Idigress, cause I just wanted to
also say that unconditional loveis not something that you just
create for people out there.
It starts within, and if you donot feel unconditional love and
acceptance for yourself, you'regoing to have a hard fucking
time experiencing it when itcomes to other people.
(50:39):
Because everything we thinkabout other people is really a
mirror reflection of what'sinside of us.
Think about other people isreally a mirror reflection of
what's inside of us.
Everything we witness in themis a mirror reflecting it back
to us so that we can see andlearn about ourselves.
And so we'll leave that there.
Unconditional love startswithin, so if you can learn to
unconditionally love and acceptyourself, you will start to see
(50:59):
unconditional love andacceptance play out in the world
around you.
The reality TV.
I just find people sofascinating.
I I love watching them justkind of do their thing and I
don't actually know why I wasgoing down this road, but where
was I going to go with that?
Carmen Lezeth (51:15):
Love is blind is one of them.
You were saying.
You said you like watchingpeople be human, you like to
think it's.
Oh, because I was talking about.
Christy Holt (51:26):
It was the trust piece that I wanted to say.
What I observed on Love isBlind is that the parents that
felt really controlling overtheir child potentially getting
married on this quick timelineand they're you know about it.
There were problems in most ofthose relationships and, of
course, there's a problem comingwhen the people who claim to
(51:47):
love you the most don't trustyou to know what's right for you
.
And I get it.
It's a crazy scenario to talkabout getting married in like
six weeks or however whatever.
It's a very interesting scenario, but what really struck me as a
parent is that if I was in thissituation my kid was on this
show show and I was the parentin here the thing that I want
(52:08):
them to know the most is that Iunconditionally love and accept
them and trust them to knowwhat's right for them.
Period, not to proclaim that Iknow because I'm what, because
I'm older, I know what's rightfor them in their heart.
That's preposterous.
So that's what I wanted to sayis really this this trusting
(52:28):
people is a big piece of what Ido Because, like I said, I don't
think that people are broken,that they that they're.
You know there's somethingwrong with them.
I trust them to know they mayhave just gotten off track and
by trusting them to know at theheart of things, we can team, we
tag team together and findtheir way, you are a much better
(52:48):
person than I am.
Carmen Lezeth (52:50):
Yeah.
Cynthia Lopez (52:50):
Right, you already know.
Carmen Lezeth (52:53):
I'm like, okay, we interviewing you, so I'm
gonna be kind, you know what Imean.
I love where you're coming from, though it's so much to think
about.
It really is.
Rick, were you going to saysomething?
Rick Costa (53:06):
I'll never forget my father again.
The abusive one said let's sayin the future.
We were mad at each other andwe didn't talk for 20 years.
And then I saw you on thestreet.
Somebody had just beat the crapout of you.
You don't think I'm going to gothere pick you up.
(53:27):
You know you came for me.
How could I deny you and allthat?
But yeah, I believe inunconditional love I don't know
that's unconditional love.
Carmen Lezeth (53:36):
I disagree.
Christy Holt (53:36):
It can be severely limited, yeah, by the amount of
love we have for ourselves.
Right, and I think that myargument to people who say that
I don't believe in or I haven'tfelt it or I haven't been in
that experience on the receivingend, my invitation is to go
deeper into the love that youhave with yourself, because the
(53:56):
more you can feel withinyourself, the more you can
recognize and feel andexperience this love.
Carmen Lezeth (54:03):
I'm going to get into a second hour, which we
cannot, but let me justUnconditional love.
And the man is beating his sonon a regular basis, right?
It's a little too twisted.
You can't call thatunconditional love, rick, I'm
just sorry.
I know the story of your father, right?
(54:23):
You've talked about it on thepodcast.
So he was an abusive man.
It does, and we understand hehad a lot of alcoholism issues.
This is all on our podcast.
I'm not revealing anything thathe hasn't shared, and to me
it's like no, that's notunconditional love, that's
something else.
You know what I mean.
That might be a bond betweenson and father and some duty or
(54:48):
whatever, but if you lovesomeone, you don't hurt them
that way, and it's not and I'vesaid this before the physical
pain isn't the issue, it was theemotional pain that we are
still dealing with on ourpodcast on a regular basis.
You know what I mean, which I'mfine with, but that's why I
know it's so not unconditionallove, I'm sorry.
Christy Holt (55:13):
Argument and and I'm not I don't think that any
of that negates what I'm saying,because I don't think everyone
is creating or experiencingunconditional love or extending
it.
Carmen Lezeth (55:22):
I'm not, I'm not arguing with you.
I was arguing with him, but Iknow what you're saying.
I'm trying to tell Rick that'snot unconditional love.
Don't get it twisted.
Christy Holt (55:32):
That moment, maybe that you were giving us the
example, maybe some element ofunconditional love with the, the
father son bond, and I thinkeveryone is capable of
experiencing and feeling andgiving unconditional love.
Many people are limited, like Isaid, by the way that they
(55:54):
connect with themselves reallyprohibits them from creating and
giving and treating otherpeople with kindness, even
because they're not treatingthemselves with kindness.
Right it's I have so muchcompassion for, for both parties
in situations of abuse, becauseboth people are really
struggling and it's not.
I'm not by any means condoningthe behavior.
(56:17):
I am not.
It's not acceptable and nobodydeserves to be treated that way.
But in order to be the abuser,you have gone through some shit
and you haven't healed it, and Ihave a great deal of ever led
to that way.
But in order to be the abuser,you have gone through some shit
and you haven't healed it, and Ihave a great deal of ever led
to that moment.
And for the person on thereceiving end, of course, I have
a huge amount of compassion andI wouldn't say like, oh, just
blanket, that falls under anysort of like unconditional love.
(56:38):
I think everyone's capable, butnot everyone is actually living
it and that's that's hard.
It's definitely hard to watchin those situations.
Carmen Lezeth (56:47):
And because I love you, rick, I, I and again,
I'm not saying I'm right, but Iwon't keep quiet when I hear you
lying about some, that you'renot lying, that's the wrong word
.
But when I hear you look at, Iwas really angry when you told
me this whole story, when youtalked about this, cynthia, you
were on the show too and we hadthis whole conversation about
this and I was pissed because Ididn't know to the extent the
(57:18):
abuse you had.
You know little by little orwhatever, but I would not be
your friend if I didn't tell youthe truth and I'm not going to
let you give him another pass.
I'm not, I'm not Um cause Ithink I, I think unconditional
love.
This is where you and I maydisagree, and you're the expert
on this, you know and you're theperson we're interviewing.
Christy Holt (57:33):
I don't even have all the answers.
Carmen Lezeth (57:35):
So this is a good conversation about
unconditional love.
Is that everybody wants it?
Very little people practice it.
It's really hard.
Unconditional love is so hardit is being able to let go of
your child, who is fallingthrough the cracks and trusting
like what you said, that they'regoing to get through it.
I've never been a parent andeven when I said it right now I
(57:58):
get like tingly, like oh my God,like I can't imagine being able
to do that.
You know, like I can't imaginebeing able to do that.
You know that to me is rare.
It's not as often.
But I do agree with you that ifwe practice it more, if we
recognize it in ourselves, wecan probably see it more in
other people.
That I agree with and I'm goingto work on that.
Christy Holt (58:18):
And I think that ego is a big piece that keeps us
from having that experience,because we want to be right, we
want to, you know, expressourselves in this way of being
right and holding up all thesethings.
But that's a protective measureas well, this idea that we're
(58:42):
separate and apart from all ofthe things that were broken,
that we have to survive.
By all of these means we canreally just like sit in this
state of being, this stillnessof being here right now and
observing what's going on aroundthe world and not having to
react to it, not having tocontrol it.
(59:02):
Like that ego is, like thatneed to kind of control the
outcomes.
Right, like this, this fatherwanting, I'm sure, he having to
control it.
Like that ego is like that needto kind of control the outcomes.
Right, like this, this fatherwanting, I'm sure, he wanted to
control the outcome.
He wanted his child to be safeand healthy and strong and all
of these things and at peace.
But sometimes we have to let goof control and trust that
things are going to work out andthat that's like an ego battle.
(59:22):
Right, because our ego says,well, we need to be in control
so that we can feel safe.
Carmen Lezeth (59:28):
That's me all the delusion.
My ego is right here.
Right here, in case y'all can'thear my ego is right here.
Hey, I admit my.
I don't even think it's aweakness.
I think it's something to beworking on.
But I think there's also theother side of it where you lack
some ego.
You know, like you got to havea healthy balance of everything.
Christy Holt (59:50):
I don't think bad.
Carmen Lezeth (59:52):
You know when.
Christy Holt (59:52):
I'm.
When I'm saying ego, I don'tmean like egotistical, conceited
at all.
That's really the personalitytrait kind of apart from the ego
.
But the ego is kind of likethis the safety mechanism that's
driving the bus right, thatwants us to feel like we're in
control, because that makes usfeel quote unquote safe.
Ultimately it wants to keep usin what is certain and what is
(01:00:14):
familiar, more than it wants usto actually feel good or have
positive experiences.
So it'll keep us in that safetyzone.
Carmen Lezeth (01:00:24):
So it keeps us telling ourselves a story that
may not be true.
Is that what you?
Christy Holt (01:00:29):
mean Absolutely yeah, I got you, yeah, and
having coping mechanisms to keepus reacting in the similar ways
because similar feels quoteunquote safe, better, yeah, it
doesn't actually mean it's goodfor you, right?
We all know, we've all hadexperiences like this where we
will be in a pattern and it'svery familiar, it's very certain
(01:00:53):
we know what the outcome isgoing to be, but we don't want
that outcome.
We actually know we want adifferent outcome, but we have a
really hard time breaking thatpattern because it's it feels
kind of safe in the way that weknow what to expect, whereas
stepping outside, you know,moving outside our comfort zone
and trying something that has anuncertain outcome feels very
scary, which is where a guideand a mentor or a coach or a
(01:01:17):
therapist or someone who's beenthrough some stuff can really
just be there, like I like tosay I'm I'm like a mentor for
like a whole ass human, I'm likethe link arms and we'll do this
together, because I don't haveanswers you do, but I'm here to
walk with, with you, to help yougo through this journey and
uncover those things that you'remeant to uncover, and step
(01:01:37):
outside your comfort zone, justlike a little bit at a time,
baby steps so that now I want totalk a little bit about your
book, because we're past thehour mark.
Carmen Lezeth (01:01:47):
But your book we can get it at your website, but
is it also on Amazon?
I think it's also on Amazon.
Christy Holt (01:01:52):
It's pretty well all over the place.
You can find it all over theplace.
You can find a whole bunch oflinks for it at loveunstuckcom.
Carmen Lezeth (01:02:00):
There's a website , there's a website
loveunstuckcom as well ascoachchristyholtcom.
Yeah, and Love Unstuck isprimarily about what we just
discussed, right?
Christy Holt (01:02:15):
now right.
It's about creating healthy andhappy relationships from the
inside out, and so it is yourmanual to loving yourself back
to life, so that you can thenbuild on that foundation to
create incredible, thrivingrelationships with other people.
Carmen Lezeth (01:02:34):
Will you come back on the show?
Yeah, I'm going to have youback on and um Rick's going to
shoot me later, but we can editit out if you want.
I'm not going to, um, it's justbeen so much fun and so
interesting.
I was not what I was expectingand I love when that happens.
Christy Holt (01:02:58):
Totally curious what you were expecting, but
we'll save that for another time.
Carmen Lezeth (01:03:04):
Thank you for being on the show and again
we'll have you back on.
This was so much fun.
Everyone again, please visitloveunstuckcom,
coachchristyholtcom, and we willbe back again next week, as
always.
And remember, at the end of theday, it really is all about the
(01:03:24):
joy.
Cynthia Lopez (01:03:25):
Bye everyone.
Carmen Lezeth (01:03:26):
Bye everyone.
Thanks for stopping by.
All about the joy be better andstay beautiful.
Folks have a sweet day.
Hey everyone, welcome to All About the Joy.
The private lounge.
Cynthia's in the house, rickCost is in the house and we are
so happy to welcome our guest,christy Holt.
How are you?
We have been trying so hard todo this and so I'm so glad.
(00:23):
I think this is the perfecttime, though, for whatever
reason, I had to cancel with youonce and then you had a
conflict, and it's all good.
We're here now.
I am just glad to have you onthe show.
I'm going to start with thefirst question, because this
happiness, hussy, thingamajiggyhad me floored when your people
reached out to me.
So I want to know where thatcomes from, because it's
(00:45):
hilarious and cool and memorable, and I want to know how you got
into this about someone whodidn't really see me as all that
(01:05):
positive.
Christy Holt (01:05):
They kind of were, it was really a reflection of
them.
But my cousin kind of said tome in response to this, like, oh
you, happiness, hussy.
You like, how dare you be sopositive?
And I was like, oh my gosh, I'myeah, I'm stealing that because
, yeah, what better to representthe mission that I'm on to
spread happiness throughout theworld and to do that with just a
little side of sass?
Cynthia Lopez (01:26):
So yeah, I love that you know because, it is
kind of cool, I like that, withthe side of sass Turning a
negative into a positive.
I like that.
Carmen Lezeth (01:37):
That's a cool tagline.
Do you have that on yourwebsite?
I didn't see that with a littleside of sass.
Christy Holt (01:43):
I don't know if I do, but I have a bunch of swear
I call them sweary AFmeditations that I've created
and I think, I think I probablyuse that within my, my copy of
those pages of the differentsweary meditations, because they
are, they're like you know, zenwith a side of sass, basically.
Carmen Lezeth (02:03):
Yeah, that's so cool and you can swear on this
show because we all know I mean,I don't swear, I never swear
she lies I'm the one you knowcloser to the lord and
everything.
So how did you get into thisfield?
How did you become an expert inthe work that you do?
(02:25):
Because I find that story far,far more interesting than I
thought I would.
Christy Holt (02:31):
Yeah, you know, I think, like everyone else in the
world, we just are on a journey.
Right, we're on a journey,we're going through stuff, we're
having all of these experiencesand every single one of those
experiences leads us to where weare today.
And so, just like everybodyelse, I've been through some
shit over the years and you knowI've been married and divorced
twice.
(02:51):
I finally figured out therelationship thing, which is a
big piece of it.
You know I have struggled withanxiety and overthinking and
overwhelm and perfectionism andpeople pleasing, just like
everybody else, right.
Cynthia Lopez (03:06):
Which I think we all do yeah.
Christy Holt (03:08):
I mean, the conditioning is so heavy for
especially women and and sorrythis is, you know, might
resonate a little bit, but I'mgoing to talk to the women just
for a minute here, with the sortof good girl conditioning that
we're meant to be nurturing atall costs.
You know, men on the flip sidehave to be, you know, a good boy
, but that looks different.
That is more like beingsuccessful and winning at all
(03:31):
costs, right, and being toughand strong, whereas women are
almost conditioned to be themartyr in a lot of situations,
right, we're kind of told thatwe should be nurturing and
giving even if we don't havemuch left to give, and so that
conditioning underlies a lot ofthe challenges that we often
have as adults.
And so I was dealing with a lotof that, and especially in my
(03:53):
second marriage, I learned somuch.
First of all, that's where Ibecame a parent, which I'll tell
you what I don't know.
If any of y'all have kids I'msure some listeners out there do
, I don't they are both thegreatest challenge and the
greatest gift, because we learnso much.
I don't think that I havelearned as much from anything
(04:16):
else as I have from parenting,because it's a mirror reflection
of yourself which is that agood thing?
Carmen Lezeth (04:27):
Is that a good thing?
I don't know.
Christy Holt (04:30):
It's a good thing when it comes to, you know,
promoting your growth, but itmight not be comfortable a lot
of the time and that's wherethat challenge piece comes from.
But back to really, you know,the question of what you were
asking in the first place is Ikind of came to this like holy
shit moment where I had thisrealization I'm the common
(04:51):
denominator in all of theseproblems, right, and all the,
all the things that I wasperceiving my relationship with
my kids, with my you know,everything that was going on
around me.
Basically, I realized, oh mygosh, it's me, and that was for
a moment a little bit like, youknow, kneecapping me.
(05:12):
Oh my God, it's me.
Carmen Lezeth (05:16):
I think so many times we blame everybody else,
so we blame the circumstances orwhatever.
So it's really hard to come tothat realization.
But okay, go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Christy Holt (05:31):
It's so much more comfortable to point the finger
and blame someone else, becauseyou know what that means.
That means we don't have tochange, which is very
uncomfortable, right, and that'sessentially where I was before
I hit that realization.
I was pointing fingers at mypartner and wishing he was gonna
change and hoping he was gonnachange, and complaining to my
friends that he wasn't doingwhat I thought he should be
(05:53):
doing.
But who was looking at me?
Well, probably he was, but wewere both.
And so when I realized, likeholy shit, like I'm actually the
one who is in, you know, in allof these things, I mean, first
of all, I recognize that thiscould go a couple of different
(06:14):
ways.
Number one you could go in theguilt and shame spiral on that
one, and thankfully I didn't,because that's not helpful or
productive.
Instead, I took that sort ofepiphany like come to Jesus,
holy shit moment, if you will,and I thought I'm the one who
can change this.
Right.
And that's where everythingreally started to shift was when
I started taking what I nowrefer to as radical
(06:35):
responsibility for how I wasshowing up, for how I was
responding, for how I wascreating the experiences that I
was having, because everythinggoes through our own filter, our
own perception.
And if we start to recognizethat, well, then we start taking
back our power.
And it never gave your poweraway.
(06:56):
You can't.
But you start to recognize.
Well, hold on a minute, I'mactually, this is me, I'm
creating this and I can shift it, which is much better than
being stuck in that like blamesituation, is that where you
made a decision to deal with, orto the whole self-love thing.
Carmen Lezeth (07:16):
Yeah Right, you started practicing and you
created something.
I mean, I don't want to jumpahead, um, but I was fascinated
by how you came up with createmethod or something.
Yeah, okay, so you're going toget to that, all right.
Yeah, sure, she's going to beon the show talking herself.
No ask away.
Cynthia Lopez (07:33):
Ask away.
Rick Costa (07:35):
This makes me think of people that they keep going
from job to job to job and thenthey're like yeah, they were
terrible there and they wereterrible there and they were
terrible there and they wereterrible there and they were
terrible.
They'd be like sweetie, it'syou, everybody's primary, it's
you.
Christy Holt (07:50):
Yeah, you know, in relationships people often say
like it's not you, it's me, likelegit, though it is like when
you say it is you, because youare the one who is creating
those circumstances, and thatcan be a really big wake up call
to start to realize like it'sme, which means both.
Both you have to takeaccountability and
(08:11):
responsibility for yourbehaviors, past and present, but
also it empowers you to moveforward in a way that you can
choose right and really stepinto the life that you want.
Instead of sort of living inthis like autopilot, reactionary
living based on your pastexperiences and memories, you
can start to be in the presentmoment and choose a different
(08:33):
path forward.
Cynthia Lopez (08:34):
So yes, yeah, go ahead.
Sorry, I'm actually a littlecurious because I know you were
saying you know someone finallyseeing that they're at fault.
You know that they're thatcommon denominator.
How do you keep from spiralingand getting depressed and
thinking, oh my God, it's myfault, and going down that bad
rabbit hole rather than actuallyturning it around and making it
(08:56):
a positive thing?
Christy Holt (08:58):
Yeah, I mean great question, because a lot of
people really do take that.
The first thing I would sayit's not about fault finding,
it's not about blaming anyone.
It's just simply aboutrecognizing what you've
contributed.
And in my personal story I hada few moments and I'll share one
of them they share actuallyquite often which is I'm going
to use a metaphor you know, whenyou're driving home, you're
(09:20):
driving in the car, but you'relike off in dreamland.
You're thinking about I don'tknow what you're driving in the
car, but you're like off indreamland.
You're thinking about I don'tknow what you're making for
dinner and the show you're gonnawatch later.
Whatever you're driving, you gethome you don't remember
stopping at a single light.
How the hell did I get here?
I don't remember driving reallyright, you were on me all the
time, right and so that I hadsort of a moment like that in my
life where something happenedin my relationship like holy,
(09:43):
holy shit, like how did I gethere?
Like what have I missed?
What have I tolerated, whathave I put up with, what have I
contributed to to get to thisplace where it was almost
unrecognizable?
And so all that to say it's notabout blaming yourself, because
I could blame myself fortolerating things or putting up
(10:04):
with stuff or contributing, butthat wouldn't be helpful, right.
And so it's ultimately justabout ownership and say, yeah,
these are the patterns, and nowthat I'm aware of them, that
actually puts me in thisincredible position to move
forward and choose differently.
So it's not about fault orblame or guilt or shame or any
of that.
That will actually just keepyou stuck in that, in that
(10:25):
spiral, in that negative, inthose repeating patterns.
And is that what you helppeople do figure out their
patterns?
I mean, absolutely it's part ofthe work, and I'll say that the
catalyst to shift from thatblame and guilt and shame game
is self-compassion.
It's being able to giveyourself grace, to say you know
(10:46):
what I made a mistake, I'm onlyhuman.
I didn't know then what I knowright now, right, which is,
which is where we get the guiltand shame from.
We think we always should haveknown better, like oh, because I
think I disagree.
Carmen Lezeth (11:00):
No, I'm just kidding, but I do want to say
look, I should have started atthe beginning
coachchristyholtcom, and that'scoach C-O-A-C-H and Christy is
C-H-R-I-S-T-Y-H-O-L-Tcom.
(11:20):
That's where you can find herbook Love Unstuck.
Is that correct?
You can find out so muchinformation coachchristieholtcom
Very important for everyone toknow that.
I have another question, but Ialmost don't want to stop you,
but I did so.
When you're helping people, isit only specifically for couples
(11:43):
that you work with or do youwork with individuals?
What is the like prime personsthat you want to work with on a?
Christy Holt (11:53):
regular basis?
Great question, I'm open toworking with either.
And because you mentioned itearlier, I do want to highlight
for me I say this very quiteoften that I have a podcast
episode myself all on this topic.
What you don't I have a podcastepisode myself, all on this
topic.
What you don't have is arelationship problem.
What you do have is an identityproblem and most of our
(12:13):
external problems, the thingsthat we perceive as being an
issue with something outside ofourselves, it all comes back to
that filter, that perception,that reaction.
Carmen Lezeth (12:29):
I'm sorry.
I think you need to say thatagain a little louder.
Christy Holt (12:34):
That was a great quote, you don't have a
relationship problem, you havean identity problem, right?
And so, ultimately, while I am,I'm more than happy to work
with couples and give them thetools and strategies that they
need to, you know, create arelationship together that is
not just surviving but trulythriving.
(12:55):
Most of this work is almost onthe individual level, at least,
that is the foundation andbuilding a relationship that is
one of self-love andself-acceptance and
self-compassion, because, afterall we are, you know, we're just
all humans doing this thing andliving one step at a time.
Like I said before, you know, Ithink we're always doing the
(13:19):
very best that we can with theresources and understanding that
we have at the time.
And while it's easy to beatyourself up and, cynthia, to
just kind of really, you know,drive home the point about the
guilt and shame Awareness is abeautiful thing it's not there
to remind you that you're a fuckup and that you did things
wrong and that you should have,should have, could have, would
have, whatever.
It's there to illuminate a pathforward.
(13:43):
So, instead of saying I couldhave, would have, should have
done this differently, it's anopportunity for you to recognize
that you now have a newperspective.
Now you see things differently,and that is really empowering,
so that you can move forwardwith the new information, with
the new perspective and dosomething different right,
instead of staying stuck inthose repeating patterns.
(14:04):
And I will.
Cynthia Lopez (14:09):
I think it's great because I think it'll work
not just with romanticrelationships, but friendships
too, and families, things likethat, I mean.
Christy Holt (14:19):
I don't want to sound like I can fix all of your
problems, because I know myscope and I know you're in
trouble now because that's whatI'm like, but I will say that I
do firmly believe that a lot ofthe problems that we perceive in
our experience can be rectifiedby really building that solid
(14:39):
relationship with yourself.
This does mean unlearningconditioning.
That's not helping you.
It means unlearning all of theall of the things that other
people told you that you could,should, would be that you didn't
want to be you know.
It means looking at thosebeliefs that you're carrying
from wherever you might havepicked them up.
It means processing throughunprocessed trauma.
(15:01):
It means learning to hold spacefor your emotions so that they
don't get trapped in yourphysical body.
It means learning differentskills and resourcing yourself
so that you can respond right,so you can regulate your nervous
system and respond versusreacting right, and this puts
you in a really powerfulposition to deal with any kind
of problems.
(15:22):
And I do focus on relationships, but that's not to say that
these, these tools are not goingto help you in absolutely every
potential relationship you have, including, for example, the
relationship you have with yourbody or the relationship you
have with money.
Right, everything isrelationship, and I wanted to
(15:42):
also just touch on.
you mentioned the create method,so I just wanted to kind of
give like just like touch onthat, because that is my
signature system and it's not alinear system.
It's not like step one, steptwo, step three it's an acronym,
but all the pieces flowtogether because life is not
linear.
And so this is doing thingslike looking at your limiting
(16:06):
beliefs right, it is looking atthe way that you set your day up
and you know, creating aroutine for success.
It means looking at how you'refueling your body, how you're
hydrating, how you're movingyour body to stay in shape and
physically feel good.
It is about thinking anddreaming bigger.
It's about tapping into theauthentic you and really
(16:29):
creating a vision for the lifethat you want.
And then it's taking all of thatand bringing it from the
knowledge state where, like, youknow stuff and you're like
that's cool and I know what Ishould be doing and actually
embodying those pieces, so thatyou are having the lived
experience that has aligned withthat version of yourself that
(16:50):
you really want to be.
And I just want to say one lastpiece on this no, go right
ahead, you don't have to becomesomeone else.
You're already that.
You right here, right now.
So sometimes we forget, weforget how powerful we are, we
forget that we're whole.
We we get duped into thinkingthat we're broken or something
missing that needs fixing andhealing.
But truly what we need is tocome home to ourselves and
(17:14):
remember that we are whole.
Carmen Lezeth (17:16):
I feel like you are and I hope you take this
from the loving place it'scoming from but I feel like
you're a motivational,inspirational kind of speaker
and I don't want to use guru ina bad way, but your energy is
infectious, you know and the wayin which you speak really comes
(17:37):
from a place of like love.
I can, yeah, you can feel it,yeah.
Cynthia Lopez (17:42):
Right yeah, thank you.
Carmen Lezeth (17:45):
Thank you for feeling me and seeing me.
No, no, no, that's so true.
So I kind of love that.
I have to say this isn't what Iexpected, am I wrong?
It's in a good way, hopefully.
No, it's in a good way.
It's so hard, because when youdon't know people like you know
I'm lucky, because sometimes wehave guests on that I do know,
(18:11):
but so far the three peoplewe've had on that I don't know
I'm like, oh my God, this is thebest.
It's true though.
This is so good.
I hope you're enjoying yourselftoo.
At the moment I have morequestions, but I don't want to
step on.
Rick or Cindy, go ahead, okay,go ahead, okay, go ahead.
Rick Costa (18:24):
I was going to say.
One thing you said to me that'ssuper fascinating is holding
emotions in your body, and Ibelieve people do do that.
Not only do they do that, itcauses them to get sick and
they're like why am I sick allthe time?
Absolutely, Because you'reholding all this.
You've got to let it go.
Christy Holt (18:45):
I mean I don't know cliche, but I mean it's
easier said than done, right,when we haven't been given the
tools we maybe haven't beenmodeled, healthy emotional
expression.
This is not, you know, it'ssomething that's very healthy to
do and we just often, manypeople, just don't know about it
.
And I want to just go back forone second, carmen, because I am
nobody's guru and I love that.
Rick Costa (19:02):
I didn't mean it that way.
Christy Holt (19:07):
I didn't know what you meant, but I often do say
I'm nobody's guru, because Idon't think.
I don't proclaim to have all theanswers, I'm just a human on a
journey like everybody else,right, and I'm really good at
helping you find your answers.
That's where the magic lies,it's not in someone else.
Again, this is kind of thisidea I'm broken and I need
fixing and I need someone elseto tell me what to do.
(19:28):
No, you don't.
You just need someone torecognize you and to love you
and accept you in your wholenessand help you find your truths,
your answers and your, your,whatever you're meant to do and
be in and have within you.
So yeah, I just wanted to touchon that.
Carmen Lezeth (19:45):
Yeah, but I just think you, okay, I hear you, I'm
not going to fight what youwant, I don't feel like you're
offering cookie cutter solutions, because again, everybody's
different, everybody's situationis different.
Rick Costa (19:58):
Everybody's different, response is different
.
So yeah, there is no one fitsall.
Carmen Lezeth (20:03):
Yeah, but if she has taken the time, I'm gonna
talk like you're not here.
She has taken the time and shehas used her experience and she
has studied this, like, like, Ithink there's something to be.
This is your expertise and I'mnot gonna allow you to kind of
dismiss it like we have you onthe show, cause I know you can
help people.
I feel helped already.
(20:24):
I hear you, but I'm just goingto push back just a tiny bit.
But okay, I know the horribleword.
I meant it more likesarcastically, but yeah, I know
I think it's kind of looking.
I'm going to be straight up,cause now I feel really
comfortable.
I hate the word life coach.
I cannot stand people who claimto be life coaches, cause I'm
(20:45):
like you need to have had a lifebefore you can call yourself a
life coach and people who areactually life coaches are people
like you know, um Gandhi, butthey would never call themselves
.
He would never have said that.
You know what I mean?
Oprah would never walk aroundsaying that she's a life coach
or right.
People have had a life and havedone something extraordinary,
whatever.
So I get annoyed and so I'malways a little bit hesitant.
(21:08):
Yeah, but here you are.
I don't call myself, I know youdon't, but this is what I'm
trying to say.
The irony of ironies is is youhave focused Cause.
I think this is important too,as women.
Right, you have focused onsomething, you've become an
(21:30):
expert in something and you havea viable thing, that you're a
service that you're providingthat we need, especially in this
country right now.
We really need it, and I thinkthat is important and I won't
push it down, you know what Imean.
Like, I'm just glad to meet you.
Um, I haven't shot with you guystoo, so yeah, no, let me ask
(21:53):
you this question about peoplepleasing, because some people,
when you were younger, when youwere younger, when you were
younger, you know.
I was always my cousin, by theway people pleasing is something
(22:15):
that has always, uh, disturbedme, because I don't know where
we learned that from, but canyou talk a little bit about that
because I know you mentionedthat somewhere in my research of
you.
Christy Holt (22:26):
So, yeah, definitely, I actually even have
a whole whole free resource onpeople pleasing and I've
actually a couple of podcastepisodes dedicated to the topic.
I think it's a really pervasiveissue and a lot of times people
don't recognize that whatthey're doing is people pleasing
.
So I kind of want to start witha couple of examples, just to
make sure we're on the same pageof what might look like people
(22:48):
pleasing, because I think somepeople are like I'm not trying
to please other people, but,subtly, you're doing stuff
because you want them to likeyou, right?
You're doing stuff because youwant to be validated, you want
to feel valued by someone else,you are maybe expecting a
certain kind of response fromsomeone, and so, in a subtle way
(23:12):
, people pleasing can come offas a bit of a manipulation.
Now, before people freak outbecause I said this before and
people kind of freaked out aboutit, I don't mean like bad
manipulation, like ill willed,necessarily I.
I just mean you're behaving ina certain way to create a
specified outcome that you'dlike to see happen.
Right, that is manipulation, inthe same way that me moving
(23:32):
this cup over here ismanipulation, right, trying to
create an outcome.
I think, for the most part, alot of the people tendencies
come from childhood trauma.
They come often from a parentchild relationship where
generally, probably by no faultof the parent on purpose again,
(23:53):
no ill intent created thisresponse from the child
realizing I need to, you know,behave a certain way in order to
get my needs met right, whetherthat be food or water or
emotional needs, whatever thatmight look like.
And so you know, maybe you were,I don't know, called out for
(24:14):
being bad, being too loud, beingtoo needy to whatever else, and
you adjust yourself in responseto that.
Often this comes from childhoodbecause well, I mean, it could
happen later as well but becausewe don't really have the skills
to move through those emotionalresponses, to process them, and
they end up stuck in our bodies, right, like, like I was saying
(24:36):
, that gets stuck in your bodyand you can have all kinds of
things from disease to, you know, major major illness, major
chronic pain.
You can have a lot of differentoutcomes and sometimes it
manifests smaller, and GaborMate has done some research
showing some links betweenpeople pleasing and cancer.
So we'll just you can go lookthat up.
(24:57):
If you are a people pleaser,you might want to know that
repressed anger and peoplepleasing can be a significant
contributor to some of theseserious illnesses.
Carmen Lezeth (25:09):
Can I ask you a question, though?
Why is people pleasing bad,people pleasing bad?
Christy Holt (25:14):
Well, that's a great question.
So to me, the real problem withit is is not that it's not.
There's no problem with wantingto do nice things for other
people.
There's nothing wrong withwanting a positive outcome.
The problem lies when we takeit so far that we are
sacrificing our own needs in theprocess and that we are acting
(25:37):
in a way that is detrimental toourselves.
So I like to differentiatebeing nice quote, quote, unquote
nice, which actually means tobe pleasing and agreeable,
versus being kind, which is sortof stemming from love and can
be both kind for others andyourself.
(25:57):
Right, and because of this sortof manipulative energy, it's
almost like people pleasingrequires us to contort ourselves
into something that we're notin order to get that outcome
Right.
And when we're contortingourselves and being someone that
we're not, we create adissonance within ourselves,
(26:18):
we're not being authentic toourselves and we actually create
distance from ourselves and thethings that we really want by
creating this energetic gapRight.
Cynthia Lopez (26:35):
My God, this is so deep.
Christy Holt (26:37):
I'm going to kind of circle it back to the
authenticity of like, theauthentic piece, because people
might think like it's no bigdeal, I'm people pleasing and
I'm exhausted, what else am Igoing to do?
Like, I got to take care of myfamily and I got to do all this
stuff, but they're miserable,right, and this is actually the
missing piece to your happinessand it's not finding the next, I
(26:58):
don't know handbag or pair ofshoes or whatever else you know,
to make you happy in the moment.
It's about really bringing youback to a state of inner
happiness which is truly yourfoundational beingness, is your
true nature, is to be happy andmaybe, if happy doesn't resonate
for you I often use happy, butmaybe it's peace you know, maybe
(27:19):
it's joy maybe it's I don'tknow whatever other word really
resonates with you, but likethis, the state of feeling good,
like you call it what you like,but this inner feeling of just
I'm going to be okay, you know,I feel that bring you to
authenticity.
Yeah, and chaos can be allaround, right, but you can still
feel that brings me toauthenticity.
Yeah, and chaos can be allaround, right, but you can still
feel that solid wholeness, thatpeace, that love, that joy
(27:41):
within yourself and operate fromthat perspective.
And that requires you to be intouch with you, to know who you
are, to know what that feelslike, right in that, that true
you, that true nature ofyourself that gives you the
ability to understand where youend and where other people begin
(28:02):
.
Right, like that part too, andthat's what I'm going to ask,
yeah.
Rick Costa (28:07):
I'll say, and it's kind of like, when you're such a
people pleaser and I sufferedfrom that too, because my dad
was very abusive, physically,beat me and stuff, so I just
didn't want to get beat, so Ibecame a people pleaser it's
like are you living for you?
Are you living for them?
Because it's like, if you'realways on guard and everything
like you can't relax, you can'tbe you, because you're always
making sure they're okay.
(28:27):
It's like what about you,though?
What about me?
Carmen Lezeth (28:30):
Yeah, yeah, Rick do you think?
You're a people, pleaser.
Rick Costa (28:34):
I'm aware of it, so I try not to be, but it's, you
know, it's in the back of thehead there still.
Christy Holt (28:41):
Yeah, and that can really lead back to that
identity piece, right when youare so busy performing so that
you can create safety, you knowin your environment and in your
relationships that you forgetwho you are right and then you
start to ask like, well, who amI?
I don't know who I am outsideof all of these performative
things that I'm doing to createthis experience, which I don't
(29:04):
even like, I don't even enjoy it.
It's just feel like I have to.
Carmen Lezeth (29:09):
I think I'm performative at work, every
single day, there's no doubtabout it.
Every single day.
I'm so good at it and I'm verymanipulative.
I tell people all the time inmy office I'm like listen, stop
going to him this way.
You need to manipulate thesituation Like.
I say it straight up because ifnot, we'll just end up fighting
with this man right One of myclients.
(29:31):
Whatever God, I hope he neverlistens to this, but I mean.
It mean also that part of ittoo.
Like you, I mean everything yousaid.
There's so much layers there,but it's all true?
Cynthia Lopez (29:44):
yeah, absolutely I.
I have a question.
So, going back to the emotions,um, you said you work with
couples and individuals.
Do you ever see a betterresponse from men or from women,
or is it just kind of differentBecause you know it resonates
with everyone differently?
Christy Holt (30:03):
I think it's completely individual and,
honestly, I think the key thingwhen looking at like how
someone's going to respond isjust their readiness and their
willingness, because the truthis, you will not change anyone
else.
Like you can hope and wish anddream for all damn day long, the
only person that you can changeis yourself, and so this is
(30:24):
probably very annoyingly andunderlying theme of my work is
that you can't change anyoneelse, so I will talk to you
about those.
You know circumstances that youmay be experiencing conflict
with your partner or feeling a.
You know circumstances that youmay be experiencing conflict
with your partner or feeling a.
You know a certain feelingtowards your partner and I'm
just like it's you.
It's you at the, at the heart ofit, it's you and so that's so
(30:47):
annoying to hear and like, oh mygosh, like my partner is
narcissistic and it's so toxic.
No, listen, that may be, butwe're going to talk about you
right now, because talking aboutthem is not going to change
your circumstance.
And trust me, girl, I know fromfirsthand experience.
I did this for years.
I can't wait.
I got the T-shirt.
So, yeah, I tell you that Iwant you to see something
(31:09):
different in your outcome.
It's going to be you who'sgoing to have to decide to do
something different.
Carmen Lezeth (31:14):
Okay, there are two people who want to see that.
I cannot wait to send it tosend them the link, cannot wait.
I love that because it's trueand I I say a similar thing when
it comes to work.
I'm like we can't change thisproducer, we cannot.
Like we have people that wework with that are just they've
(31:36):
been there for 30 years, they'reidiots, you know what I mean.
Like they're gonna we there'snothing I can do to change them
and I'm like we need in theirways well, but I'm not going to
fix somebody who is like intheir 60s, like, and it's not my
job you can't yeah withouttheir permission, you know
(32:00):
energy, because I'm like how canI fix, how can we do what we
need to do over here so that wecan get it done and move it
through, because all we can dois change the way we do things.
Yeah, that's a really powerfulthing, yeah.
Christy Holt (32:13):
And how do you change how you respond to
difficult situations andstubborn people or people that
saying?
F you isn't good like just fyou it depends on the outcome
that you want to have, right.
I I do have a a podcast episodespeaking about conflict,
because it is something thatpeople really encounter a lot
(32:34):
and I think that a few keytakeaways from that.
You can obviously check out theepisode about conflict for my
conflict resolution yeah yeah,um, it's called advanced
techniques for conflictresolution, I believe, or
something like that.
Carmen Lezeth (32:46):
I don't know, don't quote me on that I didn't
write down the whole thing, butyeah, I listened to it.
But go ahead yeah it.
Christy Holt (32:51):
You know, having your intention for the
interaction is really important,right?
Because maybe, maybe fuck offis the right response If you
actually want to decisively endthat connection, yeah, maybe
that's the right response.
But if it's your partner andyou don't really want to spend
money to get a divorce, maybethat's not the best solution,
(33:13):
right?
In that case, a divorce, maybethat's not the best solution,
right?
So maybe in that case, you'regoing to, you know, go into the
conversation and address it fromthe lens of love and compassion
, from the perspective of anintention of maintaining
connection above all else, right, remembering in those
situations that you're on thesame team, right, that you're
not fighting against each other.
You're problem solving togetheras a unit so that you can move
(33:37):
together stronger.
So, yeah, intention reallymatters and keeping that in mind
is really important so that youcan move through those
difficult conflicts and get theoutcomes that you ultimately do
desire.
Rick Costa (33:49):
Yeah, nobody can control somebody's reactions,
you can only control your own.
Christy Holt (33:55):
You control how you respond.
That is you in your power, youcontrolling how you respond.
I'll tell you, I have had manyopportunities as of late to
really witness my own growthfrom the last 10 years or even
the last five years years.
(34:18):
And it's amazing to have thatnew, that new understanding of
like holy crap, like how farI've come.
Because I have hadcircumstances recently where I
think back like, ooh, like five,eight, 10 years ago, me would
not have handled that well,right, I would have been
devastated, I would have been ananxious mess, I would have been
overwhelmed and right in aspiral, which is actually what
my first book was about.
It's about stopping the spiralso that you can respond rather
(34:40):
than just react.
And now I can sit there and belike, okay, like that's really
interesting.
Other people's emotionaldefensive outbursts or upset or
challenge it, like I know whereI end and I know where they
begin.
So I don't take their stuff on.
I can hold space for them right, I can validate their
(35:01):
experience.
I don't have to, I don't haveto fix it.
That's not my job.
My job if I'm going to have ajob at all here would be to
listen right, to hold space forthem, to create an opportunity
for them to problem solve theirown problems with some support,
maybe with some questions, right?
And then I?
(35:21):
My website is coach Christy Holt, but I really see myself more
as a mentor and I call myself ahappiness and love guide, cause
coach feels like telling peoplewhat to do and that's really not
how I roll.
I don't like.
I'm a firm believer of try thison right, try on this idea.
Does it fit?
Does it?
How does it?
You know how does it feel?
What?
(35:41):
What?
You know what's different inyour life if you were to try
this on and wear it around for alittle bit and if it doesn't
fit, if it feels bad, you takeit off and try something else on
right.
So I'm a firm believer of thatapproach and really just being
there for people and allowingthem the space to feel what
they're going to feel, toexpress what they're going to
express, express and holding myown boundaries for me, right,
(36:05):
I'm not about to toleratemistreatment either.
This is also very closelylinked to the people.
Pleasing is boundary setting,because people pleasers
generally don't have noboundaries, right they're like
oh, do whatever you like, Idon't know how to deal with you.
Or if they do have boundaries,they have a lot of instances,
maybe, of people just tramplingall over them and they're not
(36:27):
sure how to enforce them.
They're not sure how to stand upfor themselves.
Yeah, I mean, boundaries arereally this important, pivotal
piece that interlock with thepeople pleasing, because often
people who are people pleasingdo not have a strong
understanding of what theirboundaries are.
They do not know where they endand where other people begin.
(36:48):
They can end up taking onemotions and problems of other
people's like it's their own,carrying this heavy weight and
instead, if they can learn toset healthy boundaries, it is
actually a beautiful gift, notjust for other people.
It's not just about eliminatingthe problems and walling people
out and protecting yourself.
Boundaries are an invitationinward.
(37:09):
They are a guidebook for thosearound you to show you, to show
them, to give them directions onhow you will most feel loved,
respected and honored, and thosewho really truly want to be in
a deep relationship with you aregoing to truly value knowing
what it is that really feelsgood for you and what doesn't,
(37:32):
so that they can act accordingly.
Carmen Lezeth (37:34):
But people don don't.
It's so funny because I saythis differently than you do.
But people like, want structure.
People don't like when you showthem your boundaries.
Some people will accept it thepeople that want to be in your
life.
But I know for a fact peoplethat I gave boundaries to and
said I will not tolerate thisare mad and angry and move away,
(37:58):
and I'm like.
To me that's a blessing.
It's a blessing.
Christy Holt (38:00):
It's a blessing, easy button right.
And this is the thing I thinkpeople most worry about setting
boundaries, because they don'twant to lose people and they
don't want to hurt people oroffend people.
But the thing is, most of thetime those are the very people
we really need the freakingboundaries for right, because
they're the ones that trampleall over our boundaries and
(38:21):
mistreat us and we then we feelhelpless to respond to that.
The truth is, if we just setclear boundaries and I also just
for anybody listening that'slike not totally clear on what a
boundary is and isn't.
I want to give an example Okay,you can't do, that is not a
boundary, that is a preferenceand that is a request.
Maybe, at best, probably notgoing to go over very well,
(38:44):
because actually you can't do.
That really brings up like thiscounter will in people.
They're like I'm not, so thenthey like even more, want to do
it, so you can't do that oranything like that is not a
boundary.
Now another an example of aboundary would be if you raise
your voice when we're having aconversation, I will remove
myself until we can speak calmly.
(39:05):
This is about you and yourresponse.
So I think a lot of people arelike ah, I said boundaries and
people just don't listen.
Are you setting a true boundaryor are you just telling people
your preferences and thengetting mad because they don't
see the preferences the same,because you're not going to
control that person?
You can let them know yourpreference, and that's fine too,
(39:27):
but you have an expectationthat everybody else is going to
be like oh I see things exactlythe same and I'm going to do
exactly what you want.
That would be crazy, because wewouldn't want to be in that
flip side where someone tells ushow to behave all the time.
Carmen Lezeth (39:42):
Right.
So I want to go back to thispart that you said, where, oh
man, I just had a moment.
Oh, you were just sayingsomething and it just splashed
in my head.
We're going to have to editthis out too.
Christy Holt (39:53):
No, we're real humans here.
Carmen Lezeth (39:58):
When you talked about the reason why people
don't like to set up boundariesis because they're afraid of
losing people.
I think that's a powerful thing, cause I remember having a
conversation Rick, you and I hada conversation about this kind
of same thing with individualsin our lives that we needed to
cut out, and it was a hardconversation, but I think a lot
(40:19):
of that is.
But if I don't keep them, thenI'm losing friends, I'm losing
people in my life to interactwith.
Rick Costa (40:28):
Yeah, another great example too is, I've said I, I
know distinctly, cause it hit mehard.
You were talking about um,christy, thanksgiving and
setting boundaries at that time,and that's family, you know,
and it's not like, oh,associations or like friends,
like kind of almost sort ofcan't avoid them, and it's like,
how do you balance?
(40:49):
I don't want to tick them off,but you talked about
Thanksgiving as an example.
Christy Holt (40:52):
We're talking about boundaries and that really
hit home for me, if youremember, I don't know I'm
talking about that, but that forme at home, yeah, I mean it is
hard because often we don't wantto set boundaries because we
don't want to damage therelationship.
But I think that means we'recoming at boundaries from a
warped sense, because boundariesaren't meant to be.
(41:13):
You can't do this to me andyou're going to ruin our
relationship by doing this.
It's simply saying, if you dothis thing, I'm going to respond
in this way, just so that I canhonor my needs.
It doesn't make you an asshole.
I mean, sometimes I guess maybeit doesn't.
But some people are going to behow they're going to be and
(41:34):
instead of getting upset thatthey're not being how we want
them to be, we just manage ourresponse to it right.
We decide this is the actionthat I'm going to take and so
for Thanksgiving, we don't wantto maybe spend all day doing
something with family.
We want to limit it to a coupleof hours.
We don't say I can't believeyou're having dinner and I'm
(41:56):
can't, you can't have that andyou can't tell me what to do and
I'm not going to do that.
You just say you know what I?
I would be happy to come fortwo hours, after which I need to
go home and have a nap becausewe have another commitment in
the evening, and that's justwhat I need for me.
And it's really hard for peopleto come up with a lot of
counter will when we frame itthat way, right, it's easy when
(42:17):
we're like, well, you can't, youknow you've got to do this and
I can't stand it when you dothat and these are my
preferences, Of course they'regoing to come back.
You would do the same, right,If someone started to tell you
you can't do something you kindof want to, just kind of want to
do it.
Carmen Lezeth (42:31):
It's kind of like oh how you, even though you
don't want them around you, likeyou're saying, you're still
going to go put yourself in asituation.
Thanksgiving was a greatexample You're still going to go
put yourself in a situation.
I mean, maybe you're not, buthe just said it's very difficult
(42:54):
, so he has to.
Christy Holt (42:57):
I mean that's like a very personal decision, but I
would say, if you had a realtoxic family, I think it would
be fully within your right tosay it's in my best interest to
honor myself and not be in thepresence of these people,
because that's what I've beendoing for years.
Carmen Lezeth (43:10):
Thank you, I just want it to be validated.
I want to make sure it goes onmy mind.
Christy Holt (43:18):
You got to listen to your heart right.
You're the only one who knowswhat's really best for you, at
the core of it.
And, yeah, we can lose track ofour identity and we can lose
track of what's really good forus, because trauma, when trauma
is less about the severity ofthe trauma itself, it's more in
the processing and how we movedthrough it afterwards and the
(43:38):
completing the cycle of trauma,so that we can move forward and
not carry that trauma into.
You know our future experiencesand interactions.
But you have to stand up foryourself, because I think that
people get really sucked intothis idea of like, well, if you
know unconditional love, I fullybelieve unconditional love
(44:00):
completely exists.
And I have a lot of people thatwould argue with me that you
can't do that because what ifpeople mistreat you?
Well, I would argue that thatis not unconditional love any
longer.
Carmen Lezeth (44:11):
Exactly Right, you answered the question.
Christy Holt (44:13):
Unconditional love does not exist apart from
boundaries.
They come part and parceltogether because unconditional
love goes both ways.
Right, it's respect, and Ithink that the people that came
at me when I said somethingalong that effect like you know,
unconditional love is real thepeople that kind of came at me
were like, well, like what ifhe's being toxic?
(44:34):
Well then I would say you'renot unconditionally loving
yourself for remaining in thatrelationship.
Yeah Right, this has got to goboth ways.
We, we both need to set healthyboundaries with one another.
We both need to openlycommunicate those things and we
both need to come at it.
(44:54):
Yes, with standards, and yeah,we're probably going to have
some expectations.
But if we can find someone whowe can love and accept as they
are as a human being and reallyapproach you know, being
together as a partnership wherewe're learning and we're growing
together, and generallyapproach one another with loving
(45:15):
, kindness and minus theassumptions and judgments, and
just do life together, we canreally do this in a very
peaceful way and we can.
Carmen Lezeth (45:25):
But I mean I think it sounds good, but I
don't think it it's.
I mean it sounds great but thetruth is it doesn't.
It's not that easy, like evenif, because people get into
those moments where they theycross those boundaries or they
don't accept that person'sboundaries, or do you know but
that's where you step in andmaybe try to help people right,
(45:45):
like, where do you step in tohelp couples or people dealing
with their family members orwhatever?
When, when, how do you stepinto it?
I guess is the question.
Christy Holt (45:56):
I'll say this really ties back to what we
talked about earlier.
I will step in when you areready to make a change and
you're not quite sure how to goabout it.
You know, maybe you recognizelike I'm not here to help people
that are, like, really stuck inthe shit, and I have a huge
amount of compassion for them.
But what I have observed frommy own experience firsthand is
that when you're buried in thein the muck, you are not looking
(46:19):
to change.
Right, you were, you were kindof buried in the muck, and so I
want someone who's at leastreaching out the muck ready to
say I'm going to takeresponsibility for myself, I'm
going to do the things that Ican to change.
Maybe they've had sort of a bitof a realization that this
attempts to change everyone elsein the circumstances is is is
growing tired, right, it's right, you child, they're kind of
(46:42):
fucking over it.
And they actually want realchange and they're willing to do
that.
Not that easy part, and I'llsay it doesn't have to be that
damn hard.
It feels like when you're inthe muck.
It feels like it's impossibleBecause you can't see.
Carmen Lezeth (46:56):
You just can't see.
Christy Holt (46:58):
And so you know, just need someone to help have
some eyes for you, to have somebelief, to hold some space for
you and some hope for you.
Carmen Lezeth (47:05):
Can we talk about unconditional love again?
Because I'm one of those peoplethat I think everyone believes
that they practice unconditionallove, but we do not.
It's very rare.
It's very rare Unconditionallove, yeah, and I mean that's my
, my perspective, because Idon't think we actually practice
(47:26):
it ourselves and I think itgoes back to what you're saying.
You could tell me if I'm wrong.
It's because we don't knowourselves well enough and we
don't have any boundaries or wedon't set those.
I mean, tell me what you think,cause that's why, when you said
unconditional love, I was likecause people always say that,
but it's not true.
Christy Holt (47:43):
Yeah, and, like I said, it's not.
You know, unconditional love isnot without any sort of
boundaries.
Or, you know, you still want tomatch the people that are
closest in your life.
You still want them to be agood match, right A?
Cynthia Lopez (47:57):
good alignment for you.
Christy Holt (47:59):
But I think unconditional love can be
extended to other people.
And it's not like you're saying, hey, everything they do is
perfect and great, and I agreewith it.
That's not unconditional loveeither.
It's just simply saying they'rehaving their experience right.
It's it's born of every momentof life that they've lived up
until now and you will havenever any idea of what that all
(48:21):
entails.
And so just being able to say,like I really can't know what
has led to this person being inthis place right here and right
now, and just having compassion,like even the wildest people I
can still look at and be likeOoh, like what have they been
through that?
Carmen Lezeth (48:37):
I've.
I can give an example of theperfect kind of unconditional
love I can.
So I know of a father whosedaughter was a drug addict and
he had to make the decision forthe family to let her go.
And it took every like to lether go because she'd been in
(49:02):
rehab, he's helped her so muchor whatever, and people were so
upset with him, other people inthe family were so upset with
him and I remember thinking likesee, that's unconditional love,
because he knows there'snothing else he can do.
He has to let her do what shehas to do and just let her know
I'm here when you're ready.
(49:23):
And it's the weird thingbecause we think it's the
opposite, like he's supposed tobe the you know, and and I
remember thinking to myself likeI don't think I could, I don't
even got no children, and I waslike in pain watching this
happen.
But it was the right thing todo because, oh, thank God, or
whatever you believe in universe, she, you know, she's fine,
fine, and I think she's 20 yearssober you know I should say not
(49:51):
sober.
I guess sober is for both, butyou know what I mean?
Christy Holt (49:54):
20, 20 years something sometimes what we
really need is someone tofreaking trust us to do what's
right for us.
Right and I'll.
Okay, well, okay, well, guiltyconfession here I love me some
reality TV like love is blind.
Okay, I love this shit becauseI love watching humans.
(50:16):
It's fascinating, okay.
But before I dive into that, Idigress, cause I just wanted to
also say that unconditional loveis not something that you just
create for people out there.
It starts within, and if you donot feel unconditional love and
acceptance for yourself, you'regoing to have a hard fucking
time experiencing it when itcomes to other people.
(50:39):
Because everything we thinkabout other people is really a
mirror reflection of what'sinside of us.
Think about other people isreally a mirror reflection of
what's inside of us.
Everything we witness in themis a mirror reflecting it back
to us so that we can see andlearn about ourselves.
And so we'll leave that there.
Unconditional love startswithin, so if you can learn to
unconditionally love and acceptyourself, you will start to see
(50:59):
unconditional love andacceptance play out in the world
around you.
The reality TV.
I just find people sofascinating.
I I love watching them justkind of do their thing and I
don't actually know why I wasgoing down this road, but where
was I going to go with that?
Carmen Lezeth (51:15):
Love is blind is one of them.
You were saying.
You said you like watchingpeople be human, you like to
think it's.
Oh, because I was talking about.
Christy Holt (51:26):
It was the trust piece that I wanted to say.
What I observed on Love isBlind is that the parents that
felt really controlling overtheir child potentially getting
married on this quick timelineand they're you know about it.
There were problems in most ofthose relationships and, of
course, there's a problem comingwhen the people who claim to
(51:47):
love you the most don't trustyou to know what's right for you
.
And I get it.
It's a crazy scenario to talkabout getting married in like
six weeks or however whatever.
It's a very interesting scenario, but what really struck me as a
parent is that if I was in thissituation my kid was on this
show show and I was the parentin here the thing that I want
(52:08):
them to know the most is that Iunconditionally love and accept
them and trust them to knowwhat's right for them.
Period, not to proclaim that Iknow because I'm what, because
I'm older, I know what's rightfor them in their heart.
That's preposterous.
So that's what I wanted to sayis really this this trusting
(52:28):
people is a big piece of what Ido Because, like I said, I don't
think that people are broken,that they that they're.
You know there's somethingwrong with them.
I trust them to know they mayhave just gotten off track and
by trusting them to know at theheart of things, we can team, we
tag team together and findtheir way, you are a much better
(52:48):
person than I am.
Carmen Lezeth (52:50):
Yeah.
Cynthia Lopez (52:50):
Right, you already know.
Carmen Lezeth (52:53):
I'm like, okay, we interviewing you, so I'm
gonna be kind, you know what Imean.
I love where you're coming from, though it's so much to think
about.
It really is.
Rick, were you going to saysomething?
Rick Costa (53:06):
I'll never forget my father again.
The abusive one said let's sayin the future.
We were mad at each other andwe didn't talk for 20 years.
And then I saw you on thestreet.
Somebody had just beat the crapout of you.
You don't think I'm going to gothere pick you up.
(53:27):
You know you came for me.
How could I deny you and allthat?
But yeah, I believe inunconditional love I don't know
that's unconditional love.
Carmen Lezeth (53:36):
I disagree.
Christy Holt (53:36):
It can be severely limited, yeah, by the amount of
love we have for ourselves.
Right, and I think that myargument to people who say that
I don't believe in or I haven'tfelt it or I haven't been in
that experience on the receivingend, my invitation is to go
deeper into the love that youhave with yourself, because the
(53:56):
more you can feel withinyourself, the more you can
recognize and feel andexperience this love.
Carmen Lezeth (54:03):
I'm going to get into a second hour, which we
cannot, but let me justUnconditional love.
And the man is beating his sonon a regular basis, right?
It's a little too twisted.
You can't call thatunconditional love, rick, I'm
just sorry.
I know the story of your father, right?
(54:23):
You've talked about it on thepodcast.
So he was an abusive man.
It does, and we understand hehad a lot of alcoholism issues.
This is all on our podcast.
I'm not revealing anything thathe hasn't shared, and to me
it's like no, that's notunconditional love, that's
something else.
You know what I mean.
That might be a bond betweenson and father and some duty or
(54:48):
whatever, but if you lovesomeone, you don't hurt them
that way, and it's not and I'vesaid this before the physical
pain isn't the issue, it was theemotional pain that we are
still dealing with on ourpodcast on a regular basis.
You know what I mean, which I'mfine with, but that's why I
know it's so not unconditionallove, I'm sorry.
Christy Holt (55:13):
Argument and and I'm not I don't think that any
of that negates what I'm saying,because I don't think everyone
is creating or experiencingunconditional love or extending
it.
Carmen Lezeth (55:22):
I'm not, I'm not arguing with you.
I was arguing with him, but Iknow what you're saying.
I'm trying to tell Rick that'snot unconditional love.
Don't get it twisted.
Christy Holt (55:32):
That moment, maybe that you were giving us the
example, maybe some element ofunconditional love with the, the
father son bond, and I thinkeveryone is capable of
experiencing and feeling andgiving unconditional love.
Many people are limited, like Isaid, by the way that they
(55:54):
connect with themselves reallyprohibits them from creating and
giving and treating otherpeople with kindness, even
because they're not treatingthemselves with kindness.
Right it's I have so muchcompassion for, for both parties
in situations of abuse, becauseboth people are really
struggling and it's not.
I'm not by any means condoningthe behavior.
(56:17):
I am not.
It's not acceptable and nobodydeserves to be treated that way.
But in order to be the abuser,you have gone through some shit
and you haven't healed it, and Ihave a great deal of ever led
to that way.
But in order to be the abuser,you have gone through some shit
and you haven't healed it, and Ihave a great deal of ever led
to that moment.
And for the person on thereceiving end, of course, I have
a huge amount of compassion andI wouldn't say like, oh, just
blanket, that falls under anysort of like unconditional love.
(56:38):
I think everyone's capable, butnot everyone is actually living
it and that's that's hard.
It's definitely hard to watchin those situations.
Carmen Lezeth (56:47):
And because I love you, rick, I, I and again,
I'm not saying I'm right, but Iwon't keep quiet when I hear you
lying about some, that you'renot lying, that's the wrong word
.
But when I hear you look at, Iwas really angry when you told
me this whole story, when youtalked about this, cynthia, you
were on the show too and we hadthis whole conversation about
this and I was pissed because Ididn't know to the extent the
(57:18):
abuse you had.
You know little by little orwhatever, but I would not be
your friend if I didn't tell youthe truth and I'm not going to
let you give him another pass.
I'm not, I'm not Um cause Ithink I, I think unconditional
love.
This is where you and I maydisagree, and you're the expert
on this, you know and you're theperson we're interviewing.
Christy Holt (57:33):
I don't even have all the answers.
Carmen Lezeth (57:35):
So this is a good conversation about
unconditional love.
Is that everybody wants it?
Very little people practice it.
It's really hard.
Unconditional love is so hardit is being able to let go of
your child, who is fallingthrough the cracks and trusting
like what you said, that they'regoing to get through it.
I've never been a parent andeven when I said it right now I
(57:58):
get like tingly, like oh my God,like I can't imagine being able
to do that.
You know, like I can't imaginebeing able to do that.
You know that to me is rare.
It's not as often.
But I do agree with you that ifwe practice it more, if we
recognize it in ourselves, wecan probably see it more in
other people.
That I agree with and I'm goingto work on that.
Christy Holt (58:18):
And I think that ego is a big piece that keeps us
from having that experience,because we want to be right, we
want to, you know, expressourselves in this way of being
right and holding up all thesethings.
But that's a protective measureas well, this idea that we're
(58:42):
separate and apart from all ofthe things that were broken,
that we have to survive.
By all of these means we canreally just like sit in this
state of being, this stillnessof being here right now and
observing what's going on aroundthe world and not having to
react to it, not having tocontrol it.
(59:02):
Like that ego is, like thatneed to kind of control the
outcomes.
Right, like this, this fatherwanting, I'm sure, he having to
control it.
Like that ego is like that needto kind of control the outcomes.
Right, like this, this fatherwanting, I'm sure, he wanted to
control the outcome.
He wanted his child to be safeand healthy and strong and all
of these things and at peace.
But sometimes we have to let goof control and trust that
things are going to work out andthat that's like an ego battle.
(59:22):
Right, because our ego says,well, we need to be in control
so that we can feel safe.
Carmen Lezeth (59:28):
That's me all the delusion.
My ego is right here.
Right here, in case y'all can'thear my ego is right here.
Hey, I admit my.
I don't even think it's aweakness.
I think it's something to beworking on.
But I think there's also theother side of it where you lack
some ego.
You know, like you got to havea healthy balance of everything.
Christy Holt (59:50):
I don't think bad.
Carmen Lezeth (59:52):
You know when.
Christy Holt (59:52):
I'm.
When I'm saying ego, I don'tmean like egotistical, conceited
at all.
That's really the personalitytrait kind of apart from the ego
.
But the ego is kind of likethis the safety mechanism that's
driving the bus right, thatwants us to feel like we're in
control, because that makes usfeel quote unquote safe.
Ultimately it wants to keep usin what is certain and what is
(01:00:14):
familiar, more than it wants usto actually feel good or have
positive experiences.
So it'll keep us in that safetyzone.
Carmen Lezeth (01:00:24):
So it keeps us telling ourselves a story that
may not be true.
Is that what you?
Christy Holt (01:00:29):
mean Absolutely yeah, I got you, yeah, and
having coping mechanisms to keepus reacting in the similar ways
because similar feels quoteunquote safe, better, yeah, it
doesn't actually mean it's goodfor you, right?
We all know, we've all hadexperiences like this where we
will be in a pattern and it'svery familiar, it's very certain
(01:00:53):
we know what the outcome isgoing to be, but we don't want
that outcome.
We actually know we want adifferent outcome, but we have a
really hard time breaking thatpattern because it's it feels
kind of safe in the way that weknow what to expect, whereas
stepping outside, you know,moving outside our comfort zone
and trying something that has anuncertain outcome feels very
scary, which is where a guideand a mentor or a coach or a
(01:01:17):
therapist or someone who's beenthrough some stuff can really
just be there, like I like tosay I'm I'm like a mentor for
like a whole ass human, I'm likethe link arms and we'll do this
together, because I don't haveanswers you do, but I'm here to
walk with, with you, to help yougo through this journey and
uncover those things that you'remeant to uncover, and step
(01:01:37):
outside your comfort zone, justlike a little bit at a time,
baby steps so that now I want totalk a little bit about your
book, because we're past thehour mark.
Carmen Lezeth (01:01:47):
But your book we can get it at your website, but
is it also on Amazon?
I think it's also on Amazon.
Christy Holt (01:01:52):
It's pretty well all over the place.
You can find it all over theplace.
You can find a whole bunch oflinks for it at loveunstuckcom.
Carmen Lezeth (01:02:00):
There's a website , there's a website
loveunstuckcom as well ascoachchristyholtcom.
Yeah, and Love Unstuck isprimarily about what we just
discussed, right?
Christy Holt (01:02:15):
now right.
It's about creating healthy andhappy relationships from the
inside out, and so it is yourmanual to loving yourself back
to life, so that you can thenbuild on that foundation to
create incredible, thrivingrelationships with other people.
Carmen Lezeth (01:02:34):
Will you come back on the show?
Yeah, I'm going to have youback on and um Rick's going to
shoot me later, but we can editit out if you want.
I'm not going to, um, it's justbeen so much fun and so
interesting.
I was not what I was expectingand I love when that happens.
Christy Holt (01:02:58):
Totally curious what you were expecting, but
we'll save that for another time.
Carmen Lezeth (01:03:04):
Thank you for being on the show and again
we'll have you back on.
This was so much fun.
Everyone again, please visitloveunstuckcom,
coachchristyholtcom, and we willbe back again next week, as
always.
And remember, at the end of theday, it really is all about the
(01:03:24):
joy.
Cynthia Lopez (01:03:25):
Bye everyone.
Carmen Lezeth (01:03:26):
Bye everyone.
Thanks for stopping by.
All about the joy be better andstay beautiful.
Folks have a sweet day.
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