May 18, 2025 • 35 mins
What makes a relationship worth fighting for? When is it time to walk away? These questions haunt us all, yet we rarely have honest conversations about the true nature of human connection.
Carmen Lezeth pulls back the curtain on relationship dynamics, challenging conventional wisdom about what makes connections valuable. Drawing from personal experiences—including growing up without parents and navigating complex workplace dynamics—she offers a refreshingly practical perspective on how to evaluate the relationships in your life.
At the core of Carmen's philosophy is her "three strikes" approach, a boundary-setting mechanism that might initially seem harsh but ultimately protects your mental wellbeing. She explains why this rule exists and the rare exceptions that prove it. More importantly, she explores why setting clear standards for how others treat you isn't cruel but necessary for cultivating relationships that actually serve your growth.
The episode takes a profound turn when Carmen distinguishes between happiness and joy—happiness being external and dependent on circumstances, while joy remains accessible no matter what life throws your way. This distinction becomes a powerful lens through which to view relationships: those that foster your inner joy are worth preserving, while those that only occasionally make you happy might need reassessment.
Whether you're struggling with difficult family members, navigating workplace relationships, or questioning longtime friendships, this episode provides both practical guidance and profound wisdom. Carmen reminds us that every relationship in our lives represents a choice—and making those choices consciously is the path to a more fulfilling life.
Tune in to challenge your assumptions about relationships and discover why, even when going through hell, finding your way to joy makes all the difference.
Thank you for stopping by. Please visit our website: All About The Joy and add, like and share. You can also support us by shopping at our STORE - We'd appreciate that greatly. Also, if you want to find us anywhere on social media, please check out the link in bio page.
Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth
DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carmen Lezeth (00:04):
Hi everyone, welcome to All About the Joy,
the Private Lounge.
I'm Carmen Lisette, your host,and I wanted to have this
conversation about relationshipsand one of the biggest things
that kind of bothers me on aregular basis is how we don't
really appreciate thecomplexities that come with all
(00:26):
different types of relationships.
So, whether it's your friends,whether it's co-workers, whether
it's your family always thefamily, whether it's a spouse or
a loved one or a mentorrelationships in general are
always difficult.
They're always going to havetheir ebbs and their flows.
(00:49):
They're always going to havetheir high points and their low
points, and I think that's partof the misstep that so many
people make when it comes toestablishing relationships, and
I'm not sure why.
I feel like maybe when it comesto family it makes sense.
There's this idea that bloodwas unbreakable and if you have
(01:12):
the same DNA, somehow that kindof ties you and bonds you in a
way that is so profound thatit's hard to ever break that and
I understand that, even if it'snot what I adhere to at all.
I actually don't believe thatblood is thicker than water.
I always use the example.
(01:33):
God forbid.
But let's say you found outthat one of your siblings had
been switched at birth and after20 years they found out through
DNA or something, that yoursister or your brother wasn't
really your sister or brother.
Do you automatically not lovethem, right?
It just doesn't work that way.
That's not how love works, andso for me personally, in my
(01:55):
experience, I don't have muchconnection when it comes to this
idea of blood.
But history matters, who we arein the long haul of it all
right, what our past is, whatour present is and maybe what
our ideas are in the future,that kind of has more to do with
(02:16):
how our relationship functionsand whether or not it's
important to me as an individual, so it's not really about blood
when it comes to work, I thinkthis is where this subject kind
of comes up for me, more so thannot is I am not people's
friends when it comes to work,and I've learned the hard way
(02:39):
that when my heart is connectedto the people I work with, it's
just that much harder to walkaway when it's in my own best
interest to do so, and also whenyou're working with other
people, sometimes you have totell people a truth that they
don't want to hear, and it's somuch easier when you're not, you
(02:59):
know, family or whatever.
I think that if you're havingthese ideas of having family at
work, that's probably a wholeother conversation we can have.
But I'm not saying that youshouldn't have great close
relationships.
What I am saying is that theidea that relationships are only
(03:19):
good if there's never a problemis the wrong way to look at
relationships.
Relationships the real goodones show who they are when
things are bad, not when thingsare good.
It's really easy to besomebody's best buddy and best
friend when everything'shunky-dory and everything's
(03:39):
great right.
We can all be the most amazingpeople on the planet if
everything is going the way it'ssupposed to go and nothing
happens to test thatrelationship.
But the true test of anyrelationship whatsoever is
really about when things gettough and when things really go
sour.
(03:59):
Who are you in the relationship?
So for me, I've had the luxuryand I call it the luxury,
because that is what it is ofhaving great friends that even
if I don't talk to them on aregular basis or I don't like, I
always give the example of myfriend Mia, who I love with all
(04:20):
my heart, who I know listens tothe podcast.
She's going to be like stoptalking about me.
But Mia and I there was onepoint where we were talking
almost every single day for anhour to a day, and now we can go
a month or two without talkingto each other, maybe just
texting or something, and when Icall her it's just like it was
(04:40):
yesterday.
And I'm sure a lot of peoplehave those same types of
relationships.
Right, those are the solidfriendships that you know that
there is no time, no spacethat's going to change how you
feel about each other, becauseyou've been through so much
together.
Time can go by and you canstill pick up that phone and
it's like you were just talkingyesterday.
(05:01):
Those friendships are solid,good friendships, and I know
that those are rare and I valuethem so much.
Getting back to relationshipswith your family or with your
loved ones, I think we all havein our head, whatever movie that
we love, whatever movies thatwe've seen, especially the ones
(05:22):
that are romantic that kind ofgive us this false idea that
relationships are supposed toalways be easy.
They're supposed to always belike, oh my God, we're all happy
and everything's fine andeverything's wonderful, and then
, when something bad happens,we're all like that person's no
longer my friend.
I can no longer handle thatblah, blah, blah and it's over.
(05:46):
I think part of the problem isbecause we have an idea of what
we think relationships are aboutand we don't have a definition
for what an actual relationshipis to us in all those different
categories.
I always talk about workrelationships in a way that I do
keep my distance, and I do thatbecause nine times out of 10, I
(06:08):
have to be telling people whatto do, even the people who don't
want me to tell them what to door they're not in my eyeline.
If I see they're doingsomething wrong and it's in the
best interest of my client, I'mgoing to tell them.
They're doing something wrong,and it's so much easier for me
to be able to take that standthan if I care about your
husband or care about your dogor care about whatever it is you
(06:32):
think I'm supposed to careabout you as a friend.
I know it sounds cold, but theother part of it too is that
when you distance yourself frompeople, you give yourself
breathing room for the peoplethat matter in your life.
So I think that's the otherpart of it too.
People are under this facadethat somehow I have millions of
(06:53):
friends.
I do not.
I don't Not at all.
I have a lot of acquaintances,I have people that I think are
good people, but I am notactually friends with everyone I
meet, and I think that'sanother thing that we have to
get out of our heads.
You don't have to have a wholebunch of friends to be an
(07:15):
awesome, cool person.
If you have one or two friends,you have hit the lottery.
A lot of people don't have oneor two people they can count on
no matter what, and I don't takethat lightly.
I get that 100%.
So I think the whole idea ofunderstanding relationships is
(07:39):
redefining what it means in yourlife to have a relationship
with your family, what it meansin your life to have a
relationship with your family.
Redefining what it means tohave a relationship with your
coworkers, what it means to havea relationship with your
mentors, with whoever it is,your neighbors.
What are your standards forhaving friendships?
(08:00):
So I'll give an example.
We've talked about it before inone of the other episodes that
we've had when we've had thegroup together.
I have pretty high standards forpeople who are friends in my
life and I have been criticizedfor it.
I have been told it is not fairor not good or it's too
(08:21):
cutoffish, but it's a survivalmechanism.
It's not like I planned it togo this way, it's just the way
that it is.
So I have a loose but veryimportant rule of thumb, which
is after three strikes you'reout.
After three times I have had anissue with you and you've had
(08:43):
an issue with me I'm going towalk away, and even as I say it,
it sounds horrible.
But the reason why it developedthat way is when I was growing
up I didn't understand who allthe people were that were coming
(09:04):
my way.
Didn't understand who all thepeople were that were coming my
way.
I couldn't actually tell ifsomebody was a good person or a
bad person, but I could alwaystell by their behavior and how
they treated me, especially if Iquestioned something of them.
So I accidentally came up witha rule, and it's because of
baseball After three strikesyou're out.
(09:25):
And I stuck to that rulebecause in my life at that time
there were a lot of good peopleand there were a lot of bad
people, and I was just a kid.
So trying to understand who thegood people were and who the
bad people were was a much moredifficult thing for me to figure
out, and so I came up with therule, and the irony is that it's
(09:47):
usually pretty right If peopleare treating you badly on a
consistent basis and youcontinue to allow it.
You've now taught people how totreat you, people how to treat
you, and that comes from a linefrom Miss Maya Angelou, the
great poet we teach people howto treat us.
(10:17):
I learned that at a young age,and I wish more people would
learn that today.
I can't fix anybody else.
I can't make anybody else doanything.
I can't force you to see what Ican clearly see right.
There's nothing I can do tochange who you are in the world,
but what I can do is change howI accept it.
I can change the way in which Idecide to be in something that
(10:40):
isn't working for me.
I do a very good job of takingcare of me.
Even if it pisses you off, evenif it gets you angry and upset,
I'm going to protect my space,and so some people have argued
with me.
That's not really fair.
You're not giving people achance.
I'm giving you three chances.
Three chances, and I'm notsaying that the way in which I
(11:03):
do things is the right way orthe only way.
I'm saying this is the way thathas worked for me since forever
and it is how I do things andI'm not going to apologize for
it or change it because it worksfor me or change it because it
(11:28):
works for me.
The reason why I'm sharing itis because I think people don't
do enough self-analysis of whothey are and why they believe
the things that they do or whythey react a certain way.
For instance, I had a friend whoat one point got really upset
with me because I made a mistakeand the way in which they chose
to handle it was, I mean, theywent off on me, they went
(11:50):
completely off on me.
They were angry and upset and Icould tell it was totally about
something else and nothing todo with what I had done, like
what I had done just spurred ontheir anger.
But I let it go.
I was like you know what?
Everyone has a bad day.
You know I did make the mistake, it was my fault and I
apologized 15 times, but theywere angry about it, whatever.
(12:13):
So it was no big deal.
It happened again.
It happened again and they gotupset about something that
actually wasn't even a big deal.
They overreacted and then theyembarrassed me in front of a
whole bunch of other colleaguesand went off on me.
And the irony is, everyonethinks that the way I'm going to
(12:33):
react is like by screaming andyelling and like you know,
actually, when you piss me off,when you get me so upset, I am
probably the quietest personyou've ever known.
Right, I am going to be theperson who just steps back and
just waits until you're done andwaits until the appropriate
time to then have a conversationwith you, if I'm even
(12:56):
interested at that point.
So I remember that like it wasyesterday.
And then, after that, they madeanother mistake and they tried
to blame me for something thatthey did.
And then, when I called themout on it, they turned around
and tried to apologize in thisand just asked if I would take
responsibility for it.
And I said you know what I'mdone?
We are no longer friends, andthe reason why we're not friends
(13:21):
is because you don't understandthe definition of friendship,
because you think it's okay toturn around and treat me badly
just so that you can feel betterabout yourself.
That's not friendship.
That's not friendship.
And so, um, I always rememberthat because our other friends
(13:42):
came to me and were like why areyou being so mean to so-and-so,
why are you not giving them achance?
You know they're going throughso much.
Let's just stop right there.
Here's the other thing I want tosay.
I don't care what is going onin your life, I don't care how
hard your life is in this moment.
(14:03):
It does not give you permission, it does not give you the right
.
You do not get a pass ontreating other people like crap
because you're having a bad day.
No, maybe one time I'll let itslip, but after that I'm done.
(14:26):
I cannot tell you how many timesat work I have to deal with
people who continuously are likeoh my God, I'm having such a
tough day, I just I can't dealwith this.
And then they proceed to treatpeople like absolute garbage
because they're having a bad day.
In the same breath, they getupset when somebody else does
the same thing to them, andsomebody else being their
supervisor or our boss orwhatever it is.
(14:47):
They get upset because the bosstakes out his anger or his
worry or whatever's happening inhis life.
He takes it on the staff.
These same people will do thesame thing to everyone else, but
not take responsibility for thefact that they've actually just
done that.
(15:12):
I don't care how bad your day iswhen you go into work or when
you're working and you're in thechat, or whatever you're doing.
You need to be able to refocus.
You need to be able to focusright here and now on the task
at hand.
If you can't do that, thendon't be surprised when people
are pissed off at you, becausepeople can only take so much.
I can only take so much, andthis happened to me last week.
(15:35):
I really have just had it withthis one person who continuously
, every time they get a littlebit more work or they get a
little bit frazzled, time theyget a little bit more work, or
they get a little bit frazzled,or they get a little bit of
pushback from our boss orwhatever they just shut down and
then they start taking it outon everyone else and we're all
supposed to take it.
This is the thing aboutrelationships, right?
(16:00):
You have to be able tounderstand who you are in the
world, why you do the thingsthat you do and how things
affect you, so that you can turnaround and deal with things in
a better way.
So, even though that happenedat that one client's office last
week.
What was really great was thatI had to go to my next client
(16:24):
and I went and got lunch and Imade a couple of phone calls and
I went into my next client andI forgot about it.
Now it doesn't mean that italways happens that way.
It doesn't mean that I'm betterat it than most people when it
comes to brushing things off,but you have to be able to do
that.
I've had people online get madat me, scream at me, whatever,
(16:46):
and I sleep well at night.
I'm not stressed out becausesomebody I've never met online
is writing bad comments or beingmean to me or whatever.
If anything, I just feel sorryfor people who can't seem to get
it together right, people whocan't seem to figure out for
themselves.
You're not hurting me if I'mliving rent-free in your head.
(17:11):
I'm going along and hanging outwith my friends and my family
and doing the things that I do.
I'm still going to go to themovies, I'm still going to go
spend money and I'm still goingto pay my bills and I'm still
going to watch TV and I'm notfreaking out because you're
behind a keyboard being mean tome or whatever.
I hate when I can tellsomeone's hurting.
(17:33):
I hate when I can tell thatpeople do not know how to
function because they haven'tfigured out what their
relationship is with whomeverthey're dealing with.
Like people who can't seem tofigure out, like if you can't
figure out why you and yourboyfriend are fighting all the
(17:56):
time, and then you're sittingwith your girlfriends and all
you're doing is talking aboutyour boyfriend, and then your
girlfriends are like you shouldjust dump him, you should just
let him go.
And then you're like, oh my God, I would never.
I feel sorry for you becauseyou're not seeing what everyone
else is seeing and, on top of it, all you're doing is
complaining about it.
(18:17):
But you're not doing anythingto do.
Self-reflection no one at thetable can fix your boyfriend.
No one at the table can fixwhat's wrong with him.
You can only fix what's wrongwith you and how you're
interpreting whatever it is yourboyfriend is doing.
See what I'm saying?
The test of relationships, theway in which you can mend those
(18:40):
relationships, really is thetell.
So I have my three strikes rule.
Have any of my friends I've hadfor 20, 30 years, broken and
pissed me off at least threetimes, absolutely One of those
being Alden, who I know alsolistens to this podcast, but I
love him.
Here's the thing.
Here's the other part of therule.
(19:01):
There are people in my life whoI even though there might be
the three-time rule thingthey've built up so much credit
that even when that happens, wecan do what we need to do to
figure it out.
So there's like you're keepinga tab right.
So, for all the good you do inthe world, when it comes to the
(19:21):
Carmen world anyway, I'm keepingthat in.
But those are few people, right?
You're talking about peopleI've known for such a long time
and who have done more for methan most people.
And I kid around about Alden.
I love him.
He's my brother from anothermother and I think he's a pain
in the ass, but he's also one ofthe sweetest people on the
(19:42):
planet and I know he would doanything for me.
And so, even though we've hadclashes, we've learned how to
let each other have thoseclashes.
And then I tend to not want totalk to anybody when I'm upset
with you, and then we find a wayto talk again because that's
how it works right.
That's how relationships work.
(20:03):
That is the test of ourrelationship.
It's not just do we talk everysingle day or every single week
or whatever, but when we have afight, how do we figure out a
way to come together and havethat bond still, no matter what.
And I love that.
I love that about him and ourrelationship, and I love that
(20:25):
about us.
And so I want people to getbetter at relationships.
And the first thing you need tobe aware of is that
relationships are all hardperiod.
It doesn't matter what therelationship is, they are all
hard period.
So why am I talking so muchabout relationships?
I think because it's importantto understand the difference
(20:49):
between a real relationship andone that isn't serving you, and
it really is the differencebetween happiness and joy.
And I know that's not going tomake sense as I'm saying it, but
it will, if you just hear meout.
First, let me give you thedefinitions.
Right, it's not reallydefinitions, but let me give you
(21:09):
examples.
Happiness to me is external.
Happiness happens to us, ithappens to you.
So, for example, people haveheard me say this, but it is
really true I eat a piece ofcake, I'm happy, I get a bonus
at work, I'm happy you gooutside and the sun is shining
and I feel happiness.
(21:30):
To me, happiness is externaland it's also fleeting.
So, in order to enjoy happiness, you have to know sadness.
You cannot be happy withoutknowing sadness at some point.
And I'm not saying you need tobe sad, I'm saying happiness is
the opposite of sadness and it'sexternal.
(21:55):
Okay, joy, on the other hand,is internal.
Joy is something that you canaccess all the time, anytime you
want and under any circumstance, and I know this is a hard one
to get, but joy is somethingthat is innate.
(22:16):
Joy is something that you feel.
Joy is like the silver liningright of a bad situation.
Joy is hope.
Joy is being able to see thelight at the end of the tunnel.
Joy is the reason why I am heretoday.
Joy is something that Icouldn't verbalize when I was a
(22:39):
kid, but joy is what kept me onpoint.
Let me explain For those of youwho don't know.
I lost my mom when I was 11 anda half and I've never known my
dad, probably because my momdidn't tell anybody about who he
may or may not be.
There have been some gossipythings or something, but
nothing's ever come to fruition.
Yes, I've done DNA testing.
(23:00):
Blah, blah, blah.
This isn't a story about that,but what I'm trying to say is I
was alone as a kid and if you'veread my book Canela, you would
know that the book is all aboutthe people that came into my
life and helped walk me througha difficult situation.
So the story is about peoplelike my seventh grade teacher or
(23:23):
my camp counselor or justdifferent people I met along the
way, people who, when Iperformed like Laura Wall, who
is somebody who comes on ourshow and visits in the chat her
parents, mr and Mrs Wall.
They were the parents whoalways helped us in Color Garden
Drum Corps and they made sure Ihad my costumes and my dance
(23:46):
shoes and marching boots orwhatever.
They made sure I had everythingI needed.
They made sure I had the rightmakeup and gloves or equipment.
They were always there for meand they made sure I had a hot
meal and they were such goodpeople and I was blessed to have
so many of these types offamilies that kind of just made
(24:07):
sure I didn't fall through thecracks as a kid, because I was
most of my life observing people, because even though they all
(24:28):
invited me into their homes, Iwas always still an outsider and
I think a lot of them wouldtell you I was a pretty quiet
kid.
I was a pretty reserved kid Notto say I wasn't funny and
whatever but I was alwayswell-mannered and kind and
helpful, and the reason why isbecause I didn't want to be
(24:48):
rejected.
I didn't want them to throw meback out into the streets.
I was behaving well out of fear, not because of anything else,
but they were lovely people.
But what was great was I wasable to observe so much from a
distance.
Because of the circumstance,right, I would be sleeping on
someone's couch or I'd besleeping in wherever, and I
(25:12):
would be able to hear theconversations between the
grownups, and I learned so much.
I would hear the fights and themakeups, the thought process
that went behind therelationships that parents had
with their children and viceversa.
I would hear people talk aboutme, and I think that is exactly
(25:33):
where I started understandingeven more so what joy was versus
happiness and the families thatI grew up around that had pure
joy in their every single daylife, which is most of these
people that I wrote about in mybook.
These people were not wealthypeople.
(25:54):
These people were not perfectpeople.
These were hardworkingblue-collar people who also were
able to always see the bestparts of a bad situation and
make do anyways, and I alwaysfound that fascinating and I
found that to be the mostimportant thing that I could
(26:17):
have learned as a child,especially now because I work
for so many wealthy people.
So it's so interesting to seehow the people who had the least
amount and worked the hardestand had the hardest lives were
the people that had so much morejoy and quote unquote happiness
, because they savored everysingle thing that happened to
(26:41):
them.
I remember back in the day whenI was growing up, we would get a
turkey or something from workfor Thanksgiving.
It would be like a gift.
I don't think they do thatanymore, but it was like you
would get a turkey or somethingand I remember they would bring
it home and they would just talkabout oh, we got a big bird
this year and they gave out thebiggest birds and the
(27:01):
conversation about getting abird from work was like a huge
conversation.
It was just so funny when Ithink about the people I work
for, who have so much money, whoseem to be just as sad, just as
miserable as any hardworkingperson and, I would say, lack
(27:23):
the ability to find joy inthings because they have so much
.
It's an interesting dynamic andI feel so blessed and so
profoundly lucky to have learnedto this at such a young age.
I'm not saying having a lot ofmoney doesn't come with its
great things, right?
Trust me, I want to have a lotof money doesn't come with its
great things, right, trust me, Iwant to have a lot of money too
(27:46):
.
But it's just an interestingdynamic.
That where I learned about whatreal joy is was here in this
place, where people were workinghard, making do with what they
had, going to the food pantriesand getting free turkeys at work
and doing the best they can andhelping a kid out who had no
(28:09):
parents and one family.
I remember one Christmas, inorder to give me Christmas
presents, they took their kids'Christmas presents and they
opened them back up and theygave them, like because they
would get, I remember, the socksfor some reason.
So the socks would come in likea thing of three, and so what
they did was they opened up thepresents from the other kids and
(28:31):
they just wrapped up two, twoand two so that I would also be
able to open up socks, you know,and they did that.
With so many things.
I really was one of theluckiest people I've ever known.
I swear to God, but that wasjoy.
That was joy.
Them trying to figure out a wayto make sure I had a Christmas
(28:54):
and then, when I woke up andopened first of all it wasn't
even about opening presents thefact that they had any presents
for me, because I always assumedI would not have any, and I
remember they gave me, you know,and they were like Carmen, here
are your presents that Santaleft you, and I was so happy,
you know, I mean I could cryabout it right now, but I mean I
(29:15):
was so happy about it.
It still makes me.
You know, that's joy.
Right, that is beautifulness.
I can still remember that themdoing something to make sure I
had gifts as a kid was joy andit gave me happiness.
But even today, I can stillaccess that whenever I need to,
(29:39):
whenever I'm feeling sad, andthat's joy.
That's what I learned from them.
Whenever I'm feeling sad, andthat's joy.
That's what I learned from them.
I learned about joy.
And the thing about joy is evenwhen something bad happens,
when someone passes away or andI'm not saying you're going to
walk around all the time feelinggood or whatever.
But there's another quote that Ilove, that I live by.
It's by Winston Churchill, andhe said when you're going
(30:02):
through hell, keep going.
And I'm telling you right nowjoy is what gets you through to
the other side.
You don't want to sit in hell,right, if you're in pain and in
darkness and in sadness, youdon't want to sit in hell.
What you want to do is findyour way through to the other
side.
You want to get through andfind the light.
And that's all about findingjoy, trying to find a moment of
(30:27):
possibility.
That is like the minutia, thesoup of what joy is, because
once you get to that light,you're on a different road,
right, you're in a differentpart of the road and you're
still on your pathway, butyou're getting through, and I
think that's what fascinates me,right?
So happiness is external.
(30:48):
It's what happens to you, andwe all love.
When stuff happens to us,that's fantastic and great.
But joy is something you cancontrol.
Joy is something you can learnto access on a more regular
basis.
It doesn't mean lying about howyou feel, but it means knowing
in your heart that everything'sgoing to be okay and that you're
(31:11):
going to figure it out fromhere.
You're going to make it.
You're going to be sad for amoment, or however long you need
to be, but you know that at theend of the day you're going to
find joy again because you'regoing to find your way through
that situation.
And that's why I'm here today,that's why I'm still okay,
that's why I do have these rulesand these things that I live by
(31:34):
, because it's what got methrough right.
Yeah, I wanted to talk a lottoday about relationships and I
wanted to tie it into why itmatters to know who you are and
to have standards and to notjust be winging it.
I think a lot of people sufferbecause they don't understand
(31:57):
why people hurt them so much,and the reason why people hurt
other people is because they'rehurt right.
People will lash out at youbecause they're in pain, even if
it's at work or whatever.
If you're suffering and youhaven't dealt with why you're
suffering, you are going toaccidentally hurt other people,
(32:19):
whether you mean to or not.
So being reflective of who youare and understanding and doing
a self-analysis is a really goodand healthy thing, and I'm
telling you I do it on a regularbasis.
I write in a journal almostevery morning and a lot of what
I'm doing is not second-guessingmyself, but reassessing what
(32:42):
happened yesterday.
Why did it happen that way?
Could I do better?
Doing self-analysis is a reallygood thing, and I think people
don't do that enough, and ourrelationships that we have in
our lives are because we chooseto have them.
So you have a choice to havepeople in your life, a choice,
(33:07):
and I don't care if it's yourmom or your dad or your sister
or your brother.
That is still a choice.
And I'm not saying you have toget rid of anyone in your family
and not talk to them, but justunderstand it is a choice how
you choose to keep people inyour life too.
And if you understand who youare and you understand the
(33:30):
difference between happiness andjoy and you make actual
decisions based on what's inyour best interest, so that you
can be the best person you canpossibly be, I'm telling you
right now, life is going to getso much better, and that's
really all I wanted to sharetoday.
(33:50):
So please join us on Fridaynights at 6 pm Pacific, 9 pm
Eastern and I think it's 3 amLondon, and we're saying that on
purpose now, because we've hadquite a few people join us from
London lately, which has beenfantastic, and we hope you'll
keep joining us.
And then we also always havethe private lounges that are
(34:12):
pre-recorded and those air onSundays at 3pm Eastern, 12pm
Pacific and is on YouTube liveand also on podcasts, wherever
you listen to your podcast.
So I just want to say thank youto everyone who's been
supporting the show since thebeginning, people who continue
to show support and love.
(34:33):
Please check us out atallaboutthejoycom and remember,
at the end of the day, it reallyis all about the joy.
See you soon.
Bye, thanks for stopping by.
All about the joy.
Be better and stay beautiful.
Folks, have a sweet day.
Hi everyone, welcome to All About the Joy,
the Private Lounge.
I'm Carmen Lisette, your host,and I wanted to have this
conversation about relationshipsand one of the biggest things
that kind of bothers me on aregular basis is how we don't
really appreciate thecomplexities that come with all
(00:26):
different types of relationships.
So, whether it's your friends,whether it's co-workers, whether
it's your family always thefamily, whether it's a spouse or
a loved one or a mentorrelationships in general are
always difficult.
They're always going to havetheir ebbs and their flows.
(00:49):
They're always going to havetheir high points and their low
points, and I think that's partof the misstep that so many
people make when it comes toestablishing relationships, and
I'm not sure why.
I feel like maybe when it comesto family it makes sense.
There's this idea that bloodwas unbreakable and if you have
(01:12):
the same DNA, somehow that kindof ties you and bonds you in a
way that is so profound thatit's hard to ever break that and
I understand that, even if it'snot what I adhere to at all.
I actually don't believe thatblood is thicker than water.
I always use the example.
(01:33):
God forbid.
But let's say you found outthat one of your siblings had
been switched at birth and after20 years they found out through
DNA or something, that yoursister or your brother wasn't
really your sister or brother.
Do you automatically not lovethem, right?
It just doesn't work that way.
That's not how love works, andso for me personally, in my
(01:55):
experience, I don't have muchconnection when it comes to this
idea of blood.
But history matters, who we arein the long haul of it all
right, what our past is, whatour present is and maybe what
our ideas are in the future,that kind of has more to do with
(02:16):
how our relationship functionsand whether or not it's
important to me as an individual, so it's not really about blood
when it comes to work, I thinkthis is where this subject kind
of comes up for me, more so thannot is I am not people's
friends when it comes to work,and I've learned the hard way
(02:39):
that when my heart is connectedto the people I work with, it's
just that much harder to walkaway when it's in my own best
interest to do so, and also whenyou're working with other
people, sometimes you have totell people a truth that they
don't want to hear, and it's somuch easier when you're not, you
(02:59):
know, family or whatever.
I think that if you're havingthese ideas of having family at
work, that's probably a wholeother conversation we can have.
But I'm not saying that youshouldn't have great close
relationships.
What I am saying is that theidea that relationships are only
(03:19):
good if there's never a problemis the wrong way to look at
relationships.
Relationships the real goodones show who they are when
things are bad, not when thingsare good.
It's really easy to besomebody's best buddy and best
friend when everything'shunky-dory and everything's
(03:39):
great right.
We can all be the most amazingpeople on the planet if
everything is going the way it'ssupposed to go and nothing
happens to test thatrelationship.
But the true test of anyrelationship whatsoever is
really about when things gettough and when things really go
sour.
(03:59):
Who are you in the relationship?
So for me, I've had the luxuryand I call it the luxury,
because that is what it is ofhaving great friends that even
if I don't talk to them on aregular basis or I don't like, I
always give the example of myfriend Mia, who I love with all
(04:20):
my heart, who I know listens tothe podcast.
She's going to be like stoptalking about me.
But Mia and I there was onepoint where we were talking
almost every single day for anhour to a day, and now we can go
a month or two without talkingto each other, maybe just
texting or something, and when Icall her it's just like it was
(04:40):
yesterday.
And I'm sure a lot of peoplehave those same types of
relationships.
Right, those are the solidfriendships that you know that
there is no time, no spacethat's going to change how you
feel about each other, becauseyou've been through so much
together.
Time can go by and you canstill pick up that phone and
it's like you were just talkingyesterday.
(05:01):
Those friendships are solid,good friendships, and I know
that those are rare and I valuethem so much.
Getting back to relationshipswith your family or with your
loved ones, I think we all havein our head, whatever movie that
we love, whatever movies thatwe've seen, especially the ones
(05:22):
that are romantic that kind ofgive us this false idea that
relationships are supposed toalways be easy.
They're supposed to always belike, oh my God, we're all happy
and everything's fine andeverything's wonderful, and then
, when something bad happens,we're all like that person's no
longer my friend.
I can no longer handle thatblah, blah, blah and it's over.
(05:46):
I think part of the problem isbecause we have an idea of what
we think relationships are aboutand we don't have a definition
for what an actual relationshipis to us in all those different
categories.
I always talk about workrelationships in a way that I do
keep my distance, and I do thatbecause nine times out of 10, I
(06:08):
have to be telling people whatto do, even the people who don't
want me to tell them what to door they're not in my eyeline.
If I see they're doingsomething wrong and it's in the
best interest of my client, I'mgoing to tell them.
They're doing something wrong,and it's so much easier for me
to be able to take that standthan if I care about your
husband or care about your dogor care about whatever it is you
(06:32):
think I'm supposed to careabout you as a friend.
I know it sounds cold, but theother part of it too is that
when you distance yourself frompeople, you give yourself
breathing room for the peoplethat matter in your life.
So I think that's the otherpart of it too.
People are under this facadethat somehow I have millions of
(06:53):
friends.
I do not.
I don't Not at all.
I have a lot of acquaintances,I have people that I think are
good people, but I am notactually friends with everyone I
meet, and I think that'sanother thing that we have to
get out of our heads.
You don't have to have a wholebunch of friends to be an
(07:15):
awesome, cool person.
If you have one or two friends,you have hit the lottery.
A lot of people don't have oneor two people they can count on
no matter what, and I don't takethat lightly.
I get that 100%.
So I think the whole idea ofunderstanding relationships is
(07:39):
redefining what it means in yourlife to have a relationship
with your family, what it meansin your life to have a
relationship with your family.
Redefining what it means tohave a relationship with your
coworkers, what it means to havea relationship with your
mentors, with whoever it is,your neighbors.
What are your standards forhaving friendships?
(08:00):
So I'll give an example.
We've talked about it before inone of the other episodes that
we've had when we've had thegroup together.
I have pretty high standards forpeople who are friends in my
life and I have been criticizedfor it.
I have been told it is not fairor not good or it's too
(08:21):
cutoffish, but it's a survivalmechanism.
It's not like I planned it togo this way, it's just the way
that it is.
So I have a loose but veryimportant rule of thumb, which
is after three strikes you'reout.
After three times I have had anissue with you and you've had
(08:43):
an issue with me I'm going towalk away, and even as I say it,
it sounds horrible.
But the reason why it developedthat way is when I was growing
up I didn't understand who allthe people were that were coming
(09:04):
my way.
Didn't understand who all thepeople were that were coming my
way.
I couldn't actually tell ifsomebody was a good person or a
bad person, but I could alwaystell by their behavior and how
they treated me, especially if Iquestioned something of them.
So I accidentally came up witha rule, and it's because of
baseball After three strikesyou're out.
(09:25):
And I stuck to that rulebecause in my life at that time
there were a lot of good peopleand there were a lot of bad
people, and I was just a kid.
So trying to understand who thegood people were and who the
bad people were was a much moredifficult thing for me to figure
out, and so I came up with therule, and the irony is that it's
(09:47):
usually pretty right If peopleare treating you badly on a
consistent basis and youcontinue to allow it.
You've now taught people how totreat you, people how to treat
you, and that comes from a linefrom Miss Maya Angelou, the
great poet we teach people howto treat us.
(10:17):
I learned that at a young age,and I wish more people would
learn that today.
I can't fix anybody else.
I can't make anybody else doanything.
I can't force you to see what Ican clearly see right.
There's nothing I can do tochange who you are in the world,
but what I can do is change howI accept it.
I can change the way in which Idecide to be in something that
(10:40):
isn't working for me.
I do a very good job of takingcare of me.
Even if it pisses you off, evenif it gets you angry and upset,
I'm going to protect my space,and so some people have argued
with me.
That's not really fair.
You're not giving people achance.
I'm giving you three chances.
Three chances, and I'm notsaying that the way in which I
(11:03):
do things is the right way orthe only way.
I'm saying this is the way thathas worked for me since forever
and it is how I do things andI'm not going to apologize for
it or change it because it worksfor me or change it because it
(11:28):
works for me.
The reason why I'm sharing itis because I think people don't
do enough self-analysis of whothey are and why they believe
the things that they do or whythey react a certain way.
For instance, I had a friend whoat one point got really upset
with me because I made a mistakeand the way in which they chose
to handle it was, I mean, theywent off on me, they went
(11:50):
completely off on me.
They were angry and upset and Icould tell it was totally about
something else and nothing todo with what I had done, like
what I had done just spurred ontheir anger.
But I let it go.
I was like you know what?
Everyone has a bad day.
You know I did make the mistake, it was my fault and I
apologized 15 times, but theywere angry about it, whatever.
(12:13):
So it was no big deal.
It happened again.
It happened again and they gotupset about something that
actually wasn't even a big deal.
They overreacted and then theyembarrassed me in front of a
whole bunch of other colleaguesand went off on me.
And the irony is, everyonethinks that the way I'm going to
(12:33):
react is like by screaming andyelling and like you know,
actually, when you piss me off,when you get me so upset, I am
probably the quietest personyou've ever known.
Right, I am going to be theperson who just steps back and
just waits until you're done andwaits until the appropriate
time to then have a conversationwith you, if I'm even
(12:56):
interested at that point.
So I remember that like it wasyesterday.
And then, after that, they madeanother mistake and they tried
to blame me for something thatthey did.
And then, when I called themout on it, they turned around
and tried to apologize in thisand just asked if I would take
responsibility for it.
And I said you know what I'mdone?
We are no longer friends, andthe reason why we're not friends
(13:21):
is because you don't understandthe definition of friendship,
because you think it's okay toturn around and treat me badly
just so that you can feel betterabout yourself.
That's not friendship.
That's not friendship.
And so, um, I always rememberthat because our other friends
(13:42):
came to me and were like why areyou being so mean to so-and-so,
why are you not giving them achance?
You know they're going throughso much.
Let's just stop right there.
Here's the other thing I want tosay.
I don't care what is going onin your life, I don't care how
hard your life is in this moment.
(14:03):
It does not give you permission, it does not give you the right
.
You do not get a pass ontreating other people like crap
because you're having a bad day.
No, maybe one time I'll let itslip, but after that I'm done.
(14:26):
I cannot tell you how many timesat work I have to deal with
people who continuously are likeoh my God, I'm having such a
tough day, I just I can't dealwith this.
And then they proceed to treatpeople like absolute garbage
because they're having a bad day.
In the same breath, they getupset when somebody else does
the same thing to them, andsomebody else being their
supervisor or our boss orwhatever it is.
(14:47):
They get upset because the bosstakes out his anger or his
worry or whatever's happening inhis life.
He takes it on the staff.
These same people will do thesame thing to everyone else, but
not take responsibility for thefact that they've actually just
done that.
(15:12):
I don't care how bad your day iswhen you go into work or when
you're working and you're in thechat, or whatever you're doing.
You need to be able to refocus.
You need to be able to focusright here and now on the task
at hand.
If you can't do that, thendon't be surprised when people
are pissed off at you, becausepeople can only take so much.
I can only take so much, andthis happened to me last week.
(15:35):
I really have just had it withthis one person who continuously
, every time they get a littlebit more work or they get a
little bit frazzled, time theyget a little bit more work, or
they get a little bit frazzled,or they get a little bit of
pushback from our boss orwhatever they just shut down and
then they start taking it outon everyone else and we're all
supposed to take it.
This is the thing aboutrelationships, right?
(16:00):
You have to be able tounderstand who you are in the
world, why you do the thingsthat you do and how things
affect you, so that you can turnaround and deal with things in
a better way.
So, even though that happenedat that one client's office last
week.
What was really great was thatI had to go to my next client
(16:24):
and I went and got lunch and Imade a couple of phone calls and
I went into my next client andI forgot about it.
Now it doesn't mean that italways happens that way.
It doesn't mean that I'm betterat it than most people when it
comes to brushing things off,but you have to be able to do
that.
I've had people online get madat me, scream at me, whatever,
(16:46):
and I sleep well at night.
I'm not stressed out becausesomebody I've never met online
is writing bad comments or beingmean to me or whatever.
If anything, I just feel sorryfor people who can't seem to get
it together right, people whocan't seem to figure out for
themselves.
You're not hurting me if I'mliving rent-free in your head.
(17:11):
I'm going along and hanging outwith my friends and my family
and doing the things that I do.
I'm still going to go to themovies, I'm still going to go
spend money and I'm still goingto pay my bills and I'm still
going to watch TV and I'm notfreaking out because you're
behind a keyboard being mean tome or whatever.
I hate when I can tellsomeone's hurting.
(17:33):
I hate when I can tell thatpeople do not know how to
function because they haven'tfigured out what their
relationship is with whomeverthey're dealing with.
Like people who can't seem tofigure out, like if you can't
figure out why you and yourboyfriend are fighting all the
(17:56):
time, and then you're sittingwith your girlfriends and all
you're doing is talking aboutyour boyfriend, and then your
girlfriends are like you shouldjust dump him, you should just
let him go.
And then you're like, oh my God, I would never.
I feel sorry for you becauseyou're not seeing what everyone
else is seeing and, on top of it, all you're doing is
complaining about it.
(18:17):
But you're not doing anythingto do.
Self-reflection no one at thetable can fix your boyfriend.
No one at the table can fixwhat's wrong with him.
You can only fix what's wrongwith you and how you're
interpreting whatever it is yourboyfriend is doing.
See what I'm saying?
The test of relationships, theway in which you can mend those
(18:40):
relationships, really is thetell.
So I have my three strikes rule.
Have any of my friends I've hadfor 20, 30 years, broken and
pissed me off at least threetimes, absolutely One of those
being Alden, who I know alsolistens to this podcast, but I
love him.
Here's the thing.
Here's the other part of therule.
(19:01):
There are people in my life whoI even though there might be
the three-time rule thingthey've built up so much credit
that even when that happens, wecan do what we need to do to
figure it out.
So there's like you're keepinga tab right.
So, for all the good you do inthe world, when it comes to the
(19:21):
Carmen world anyway, I'm keepingthat in.
But those are few people, right?
You're talking about peopleI've known for such a long time
and who have done more for methan most people.
And I kid around about Alden.
I love him.
He's my brother from anothermother and I think he's a pain
in the ass, but he's also one ofthe sweetest people on the
(19:42):
planet and I know he would doanything for me.
And so, even though we've hadclashes, we've learned how to
let each other have thoseclashes.
And then I tend to not want totalk to anybody when I'm upset
with you, and then we find a wayto talk again because that's
how it works right.
That's how relationships work.
(20:03):
That is the test of ourrelationship.
It's not just do we talk everysingle day or every single week
or whatever, but when we have afight, how do we figure out a
way to come together and havethat bond still, no matter what.
And I love that.
I love that about him and ourrelationship, and I love that
(20:25):
about us.
And so I want people to getbetter at relationships.
And the first thing you need tobe aware of is that
relationships are all hardperiod.
It doesn't matter what therelationship is, they are all
hard period.
So why am I talking so muchabout relationships?
I think because it's importantto understand the difference
(20:49):
between a real relationship andone that isn't serving you, and
it really is the differencebetween happiness and joy.
And I know that's not going tomake sense as I'm saying it, but
it will, if you just hear meout.
First, let me give you thedefinitions.
Right, it's not reallydefinitions, but let me give you
(21:09):
examples.
Happiness to me is external.
Happiness happens to us, ithappens to you.
So, for example, people haveheard me say this, but it is
really true I eat a piece ofcake, I'm happy, I get a bonus
at work, I'm happy you gooutside and the sun is shining
and I feel happiness.
(21:30):
To me, happiness is externaland it's also fleeting.
So, in order to enjoy happiness, you have to know sadness.
You cannot be happy withoutknowing sadness at some point.
And I'm not saying you need tobe sad, I'm saying happiness is
the opposite of sadness and it'sexternal.
(21:55):
Okay, joy, on the other hand,is internal.
Joy is something that you canaccess all the time, anytime you
want and under any circumstance, and I know this is a hard one
to get, but joy is somethingthat is innate.
(22:16):
Joy is something that you feel.
Joy is like the silver liningright of a bad situation.
Joy is hope.
Joy is being able to see thelight at the end of the tunnel.
Joy is the reason why I am heretoday.
Joy is something that Icouldn't verbalize when I was a
(22:39):
kid, but joy is what kept me onpoint.
Let me explain For those of youwho don't know.
I lost my mom when I was 11 anda half and I've never known my
dad, probably because my momdidn't tell anybody about who he
may or may not be.
There have been some gossipythings or something, but
nothing's ever come to fruition.
Yes, I've done DNA testing.
(23:00):
Blah, blah, blah.
This isn't a story about that,but what I'm trying to say is I
was alone as a kid and if you'veread my book Canela, you would
know that the book is all aboutthe people that came into my
life and helped walk me througha difficult situation.
So the story is about peoplelike my seventh grade teacher or
(23:23):
my camp counselor or justdifferent people I met along the
way, people who, when Iperformed like Laura Wall, who
is somebody who comes on ourshow and visits in the chat her
parents, mr and Mrs Wall.
They were the parents whoalways helped us in Color Garden
Drum Corps and they made sure Ihad my costumes and my dance
(23:46):
shoes and marching boots orwhatever.
They made sure I had everythingI needed.
They made sure I had the rightmakeup and gloves or equipment.
They were always there for meand they made sure I had a hot
meal and they were such goodpeople and I was blessed to have
so many of these types offamilies that kind of just made
(24:07):
sure I didn't fall through thecracks as a kid, because I was
most of my life observing people, because even though they all
(24:28):
invited me into their homes, Iwas always still an outsider and
I think a lot of them wouldtell you I was a pretty quiet
kid.
I was a pretty reserved kid Notto say I wasn't funny and
whatever but I was alwayswell-mannered and kind and
helpful, and the reason why isbecause I didn't want to be
(24:48):
rejected.
I didn't want them to throw meback out into the streets.
I was behaving well out of fear, not because of anything else,
but they were lovely people.
But what was great was I wasable to observe so much from a
distance.
Because of the circumstance,right, I would be sleeping on
someone's couch or I'd besleeping in wherever, and I
(25:12):
would be able to hear theconversations between the
grownups, and I learned so much.
I would hear the fights and themakeups, the thought process
that went behind therelationships that parents had
with their children and viceversa.
I would hear people talk aboutme, and I think that is exactly
(25:33):
where I started understandingeven more so what joy was versus
happiness and the families thatI grew up around that had pure
joy in their every single daylife, which is most of these
people that I wrote about in mybook.
These people were not wealthypeople.
(25:54):
These people were not perfectpeople.
These were hardworkingblue-collar people who also were
able to always see the bestparts of a bad situation and
make do anyways, and I alwaysfound that fascinating and I
found that to be the mostimportant thing that I could
(26:17):
have learned as a child,especially now because I work
for so many wealthy people.
So it's so interesting to seehow the people who had the least
amount and worked the hardestand had the hardest lives were
the people that had so much morejoy and quote unquote happiness
, because they savored everysingle thing that happened to
(26:41):
them.
I remember back in the day whenI was growing up, we would get a
turkey or something from workfor Thanksgiving.
It would be like a gift.
I don't think they do thatanymore, but it was like you
would get a turkey or somethingand I remember they would bring
it home and they would just talkabout oh, we got a big bird
this year and they gave out thebiggest birds and the
(27:01):
conversation about getting abird from work was like a huge
conversation.
It was just so funny when Ithink about the people I work
for, who have so much money, whoseem to be just as sad, just as
miserable as any hardworkingperson and, I would say, lack
(27:23):
the ability to find joy inthings because they have so much
.
It's an interesting dynamic andI feel so blessed and so
profoundly lucky to have learnedto this at such a young age.
I'm not saying having a lot ofmoney doesn't come with its
great things, right?
Trust me, I want to have a lotof money doesn't come with its
great things, right, trust me, Iwant to have a lot of money too
(27:46):
.
But it's just an interestingdynamic.
That where I learned about whatreal joy is was here in this
place, where people were workinghard, making do with what they
had, going to the food pantriesand getting free turkeys at work
and doing the best they can andhelping a kid out who had no
(28:09):
parents and one family.
I remember one Christmas, inorder to give me Christmas
presents, they took their kids'Christmas presents and they
opened them back up and theygave them, like because they
would get, I remember, the socksfor some reason.
So the socks would come in likea thing of three, and so what
they did was they opened up thepresents from the other kids and
(28:31):
they just wrapped up two, twoand two so that I would also be
able to open up socks, you know,and they did that.
With so many things.
I really was one of theluckiest people I've ever known.
I swear to God, but that wasjoy.
That was joy.
Them trying to figure out a wayto make sure I had a Christmas
(28:54):
and then, when I woke up andopened first of all it wasn't
even about opening presents thefact that they had any presents
for me, because I always assumedI would not have any, and I
remember they gave me, you know,and they were like Carmen, here
are your presents that Santaleft you, and I was so happy,
you know, I mean I could cryabout it right now, but I mean I
(29:15):
was so happy about it.
It still makes me.
You know, that's joy.
Right, that is beautifulness.
I can still remember that themdoing something to make sure I
had gifts as a kid was joy andit gave me happiness.
But even today, I can stillaccess that whenever I need to,
(29:39):
whenever I'm feeling sad, andthat's joy.
That's what I learned from them.
Whenever I'm feeling sad, andthat's joy.
That's what I learned from them.
I learned about joy.
And the thing about joy is evenwhen something bad happens,
when someone passes away or andI'm not saying you're going to
walk around all the time feelinggood or whatever.
But there's another quote that Ilove, that I live by.
It's by Winston Churchill, andhe said when you're going
(30:02):
through hell, keep going.
And I'm telling you right nowjoy is what gets you through to
the other side.
You don't want to sit in hell,right, if you're in pain and in
darkness and in sadness, youdon't want to sit in hell.
What you want to do is findyour way through to the other
side.
You want to get through andfind the light.
And that's all about findingjoy, trying to find a moment of
(30:27):
possibility.
That is like the minutia, thesoup of what joy is, because
once you get to that light,you're on a different road,
right, you're in a differentpart of the road and you're
still on your pathway, butyou're getting through, and I
think that's what fascinates me,right?
So happiness is external.
(30:48):
It's what happens to you, andwe all love.
When stuff happens to us,that's fantastic and great.
But joy is something you cancontrol.
Joy is something you can learnto access on a more regular
basis.
It doesn't mean lying about howyou feel, but it means knowing
in your heart that everything'sgoing to be okay and that you're
(31:11):
going to figure it out fromhere.
You're going to make it.
You're going to be sad for amoment, or however long you need
to be, but you know that at theend of the day you're going to
find joy again because you'regoing to find your way through
that situation.
And that's why I'm here today,that's why I'm still okay,
that's why I do have these rulesand these things that I live by
(31:34):
, because it's what got methrough right.
Yeah, I wanted to talk a lottoday about relationships and I
wanted to tie it into why itmatters to know who you are and
to have standards and to notjust be winging it.
I think a lot of people sufferbecause they don't understand
(31:57):
why people hurt them so much,and the reason why people hurt
other people is because they'rehurt right.
People will lash out at youbecause they're in pain, even if
it's at work or whatever.
If you're suffering and youhaven't dealt with why you're
suffering, you are going toaccidentally hurt other people,
(32:19):
whether you mean to or not.
So being reflective of who youare and understanding and doing
a self-analysis is a really goodand healthy thing, and I'm
telling you I do it on a regularbasis.
I write in a journal almostevery morning and a lot of what
I'm doing is not second-guessingmyself, but reassessing what
(32:42):
happened yesterday.
Why did it happen that way?
Could I do better?
Doing self-analysis is a reallygood thing, and I think people
don't do that enough, and ourrelationships that we have in
our lives are because we chooseto have them.
So you have a choice to havepeople in your life, a choice,
(33:07):
and I don't care if it's yourmom or your dad or your sister
or your brother.
That is still a choice.
And I'm not saying you have toget rid of anyone in your family
and not talk to them, but justunderstand it is a choice how
you choose to keep people inyour life too.
And if you understand who youare and you understand the
(33:30):
difference between happiness andjoy and you make actual
decisions based on what's inyour best interest, so that you
can be the best person you canpossibly be, I'm telling you
right now, life is going to getso much better, and that's
really all I wanted to sharetoday.
(33:50):
So please join us on Fridaynights at 6 pm Pacific, 9 pm
Eastern and I think it's 3 amLondon, and we're saying that on
purpose now, because we've hadquite a few people join us from
London lately, which has beenfantastic, and we hope you'll
keep joining us.
And then we also always havethe private lounges that are
(34:12):
pre-recorded and those air onSundays at 3pm Eastern, 12pm
Pacific and is on YouTube liveand also on podcasts, wherever
you listen to your podcast.
So I just want to say thank youto everyone who's been
supporting the show since thebeginning, people who continue
to show support and love.
(34:33):
Please check us out atallaboutthejoycom and remember,
at the end of the day, it reallyis all about the joy.
See you soon.
Bye, thanks for stopping by.
All about the joy.
Be better and stay beautiful.
Folks, have a sweet day.
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