How Learning Differences, Confidence, and One Tiny Daily Ritual Can Change Everything

What if the story you tell yourself about being “not smart enough” is just a bad fit between your brain and a test format? We open up about growing up with the quiet fear of not measuring up, the panic of multiple-choice exams, and the surprising relief that came from changing the way questions were asked. When the puzzle layer fell away, knowledge finally had room to show up—no extra genius required, just a fairer way to think and respond.

From there, we explore learning differences without shame: how timing, ambiguity, and test-maker intent can derail capable minds, and how accommodations like oral exams and extended time aren’t shortcuts but bridges to accuracy. Carmen shares a small, luminous practice—the toothbrushing smile—that acts like a daily reset. It sounds simple because it is: look in the mirror, smile for real, and watch your nervous system unclench. That tiny habit makes it easier to greet strangers with warmth, to start softer, and to carry less static into the day.

The conversation turns on a phrase that finally landed: be not afraid. A client with power and status reflected Carmen’s strengths back to her until they stuck. That mirror—of competence, kindness, and calm under pressure—reframed worth beyond grades, titles, and money. We talk about the mask of “behave as if,” why many of us wear it, and how confidence shifts from performance to alignment when we stop trying to decode other people’s expectations and start honoring our own wiring.

If you’ve ever felt small in classrooms, meetings, or social circles, this story invites you to audit your beliefs: Who taught you them? Do they serve you now? Try the smile ritual, ask for the format that lets your mind work, and practice be not afraid in small, brave steps. If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a kinder story about intelligence, and leave a review so more listeners can find their way here.

Thank you for stopping by. Please visit our website: All About The Joy and add, like and share. You can also support us by shopping at our STORE - We'd appreciate that greatly. Also, if you want to find us anywhere on social media, please check out the link in bio page.

Music By Geovane Bruno, Moments, 3481
Editing by Team A-J
Host, Carmen Lezeth


DISCLAIMER: As always, please do your own research and understand that the opinions in this podcast and livestream are meant for entertainment purposes only. States and other areas may have different rules and regulations governing certain aspects discussed in this podcast. Nothing in our podcast or livestream is meant to be medical or legal advice. Please use common sense, and when in doubt, ask a professional for advice, assistance, help and guidance.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:09):
Hey everyone, welcome to All About the Joy.

SPEAKER_03 (00:11):
This is Carmen Talk.
I honestly I don't know why I'mso nervous.
Okay.
You can go ahead.
You can you can you can answerthe first question.
I'm ready.
I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 (00:24):
Alright, here we go.
What's something you believed asa kid that you now find
hilarious?

SPEAKER_03 (00:30):
That's a good one.
Okay, just give me a I just needa second.
I used to believe that I wasn'treally smart.
I always thought that I was muchdumber than everyone around me,
whether it was in grammar schoolor high school.
I just always thought thatintellectually speaking, I was

(00:53):
not as smart as everybody elsein the class.
And I used to think that, youknow, this is also when I really
believed in God and stuff andthe way that, you know, you're
taught when you go to Catholicschool and whatever.
I always kept thinking, Iactually think an adult actually
said to me, Well, you were givenother gifts, you know, not

(01:15):
everyone can be A, B, C, and D,you know?
And it wasn't until I actuallywent to college where things
changed and I understoodsomething completely different
about intelligence and aboutwhat it means to be smart.

(01:35):
And so I'll give you an example.
I was, you know, taking testsall the time, and I'm sure a lot
of people have taken these samekinds of tests.
They're pretty um dominant inkind of SATs and PSATs, where
they ask you a question and thenthey ask you all the multiple
choice questions afterwards.
And so they would ask yousomething like, I'll give you an

(01:58):
example, because I I have one, Ihave an example.
So the question would be, andthis is like really simple just
to make the point, but it wouldbe something like a, you know,
which object is most likely tobe found on a kitchen counter?
That would be a question, let'ssay.
And then it would give you fouroptions.
The first option would be adevice used to heat food quickly

(02:20):
using electromagnetic waves.
Second qu answer could be acontainer designed to keep
perishable items cold.
The third option could be a toolused for slicing ingredients
into smaller pieces.
The fourth answer could be amachine that stores and washes

(02:42):
dishes automatically.
Now those four answers amicrowave, a refrigerator, a
knife, a dishwasher, all ofthose could be the correct
answer as far as I'm concerned,as far as my mind would be.
And what I would do is I wouldfixate on I would get stressed

(03:03):
out because I would be able tosee how each one of those, I
would, I could tell the story ofhow each one of those answers
could be it.
So I would always end up, notonly would I probably get most
of those wrong because I wouldbe, but really what would happen
is I would take too much time intrying to answer the question,
so I would never finish thetest.

(03:25):
And um, the answer to this SATquestion, by the way, it's it's
not actually an SAT question,but the example is uh a knife.
But that is what would happen tome on a continuous basis.
So if I had to be involved in atimed test, something would
happen in my brain that I wouldget even more stressed out, and

(03:48):
then I would really be pickingon each single answer.
Um, and when I went to college,what was happening was I was
studying all the time.
I was, I mean, I was alwaystrying to be as smart as
everybody else in the room.
You know, I was always trying tobe as smart as my friends were,
and I knew that I wasn't, so Ihad to do even more work.

(04:10):
And I kept failing.
That first semester, I keptdoing so badly on every test.
And luckily, luckily for me, Iknew people in the
administration.
And I told them I was gonnaquit.
I told them I was leaving, thatthis wasn't for me, blah, blah,
blah.
And they got me tested becausethey even understood that I was

(04:32):
legitimately just so stressedout and not doing well, no
matter how hard I tried.
So I got tested.

And here's the thing (04:40):
I don't actually have a disability.
I just don't have a fundamentalbasic understanding, or I didn't
have a basic understanding ofcertain skill sets.
And the other part of thisthat's really important to
understand is these kinds oftests actually don't just test

(05:03):
your knowledge.
You know what I mean?
They kind of become a logic mazeand a simple question that if
you just asked me the question,I would have said knife.
If you just, instead of givingme all of the different
possibilities, because my brainfunctions in a very simple
logical way.
That doesn't mean I'm not umsmart.

(05:25):
It doesn't mean I don't know theanswers.
It means that um I'm just notsomeone who's into decoding, you
know, a test maker's intention,you know.
And I I kind of love that.
Um, I think that one of theproblems that we do to children,
and that happened to me, is thatpeople would tell me I could be

(05:46):
anything I want to be if I justworked really hard, but then I
didn't have the tools toactually do that.
So no matter, like if you'reworking really, really hard and
you're doing the same thing overand over again that's
continuously giving you amistake and you don't know what
you don't know, you're justdigging the hole deeper.
You know, so these tests weren'tfor me.

(06:08):
And what ended up happening wasuh because of the test taking I
did, and because of people likeBarry Mansfield and Patty
Corklin, these are people atUVM, um, they talked to my
professors.
Some professors said, absolutelynot.
She's got to take the test likeeverybody else.
But a lot of the otherprofessors were like, sure, she
can come in, take the test,it'll be an oral test.

(06:29):
Um, or she can take the sametest as everyone else, but it'll
have to be multiple, you know,she can take as much time as she
needs to.
Some people turned around and,you know, made accommodations in
that I would have to sit with auh TA or teacher's assistant or
whatever, and I would take mytest, even if it took me a

(06:49):
little bit longer.
Uh, I could do that.
Uh, and and that allowed me notto have so much stress, and I
could at least get the answersout, even if I was going through
and um, you know, kind ofnitpicking over what every
single how every single answercould actually be the answer,
you know.

(07:10):
Um, so this is nothing againstSATs or PSATs.
I think they're not as importantanymore to get into college and
not indicative of howintelligent you are.
But when I was growing up, allthe test taking was like that.
And, you know, there's no realanswer, but I, you know, for for
why people learn differently, Idon't know.

(07:32):
Um, I don't want to blame it onmy childhood because I I think
people, we we all have differentdifficult childhoods.
But I do think what's importantis that we're all so uniquely
different.
And so we all learn differently.
And that's what I love seeing inkids.
I love seeing like how they pickup.
And and, you know, I don't knowanything about teaching, and I'm

(07:53):
not gonna pretend that I do, butwhen I see some of my nieces and
nephews when they were growingup, I could tell immediately
which one had an air for, youknow, really great comprehension
when they read something versuswhen somebody else really had to
visually see something and umjust the pacing of how people
learn.
And I was always gratefulbecause once I understood how I

(08:15):
could take a test, and once Iunderstood that I actually was
pretty smart, because here's thething if you asked me any of the
questions that I had to answer,I could answer them.
What I couldn't do is the puzzleor the maze of when you gave me
all the different options.
Um, that's a different skill setthat has nothing to do with
being smart.
It has a very different idea oflike how your brain works.

(08:39):
I'm extremely logical and I alsoneed things to be really kind
of, I don't want to say blackand white, but if you're gonna
ask me a question, ask thequestion.
If we want to talk about nuanceor whatever, that's a different
thing.
If we're gonna talk about theoryand possibilities, and I can do
that too.
But what I can't do is decipherthat within.
And look at, here's the thing.
A lot of people can't.
It's not just me.

(09:00):
A lot of people can't.
But when you're not told thatand you're put up against other
people, you start to feel badabout yourself, right?
You start to think like you'renot good enough.
And for the longest time, forthe longest time, I thought I
wasn't as smart as everyoneelse.
And now I find it hilariousbecause I realize I was not only

(09:22):
in incredibly smart, I still didokay, better than most people
with even this misunderstanding.
I mean, I was a solid B student.
It killed me.
It killed me to be a B student,but I did better than some
people who had the gift of just,you know, understanding how to

(09:42):
take those tasks.
So it is something that makes melaugh now.

SPEAKER_00 (09:48):
So what's a quirky ritual or routine that just
always makes your day a littlebit better?

SPEAKER_03 (09:54):
Huh.
What's a routine?
Okay, this is something I don'tthink I've ever told anybody
this, but I will I'll I willshare this.
So when I brush my teeth in themorning, one of the things I do
is I uh once I finish brushingmy teeth, I smile at myself in
the mirror.

(10:14):
And I probably brush my teeththree to four times a day.
And every time it's part of aritual where I just smile at
myself and I'm like, and Ishould probably explain where
that came from because I have togive credit to, I don't remember
her name, but I used to go tothis day camp when I was a

(10:35):
little kid.
It's after my mom passed away.
And I used to always go to theday camp and I loved all the
camp counselors there.
Some of them were chairleadersfor Boston College, some of them
were football players for BostonCollege.
And um one day, well, I mean, Ialways ran away from home, but
uh I ran away and I went to thedorms where I knew one of them

(10:58):
lived.
And she was dating one of thecamp counselors, one of the guys
that was one of the campcounselors where I ran away to
or whatever.
I don't know.
But she was there and she wasvery comforting, very nurturing,
very kind to me.
And she kept telling me over andover again, I want you to make
sure that you smile at yourselfevery day when you're brushing

(11:20):
your teeth.
I want you to then turn aroundwhen you're done.
I want you to smile at yourselfin the mirror.
Let's do it right now in themirror together.
And I remember, you know, as I'mlike doing that whole weird,
ugly cry with the big gaps, youknow, like I remember doing it
and starting to laugh andfeeling better about everything.

(11:43):
And I've never forgotten that.
And I started incorporating thatin my daily ritual, and it is
really a daily ritual, and it'ssomething that I think more
people need to do.

Because here's the thing (11:52):
when you smile, and I don't have any,
I don't have any information toback any of this up.
This is just me, okay?
When you can smile at yourself,a genuine smile, it does play
like a reset.
It does change your energy, itdoes make things feel like,

(12:14):
okay, different, you know?
Um, and what's even better aboutit is that then I find myself
really able to smile atstrangers and to people in
general.
And I have to tell you, itfreaks out people a little bit.
I mean, I'm just being like, hi,good morning, you know, but I do
it.
And I do it not just to, youknow, give people a little
reminder or just to say hi.

(12:35):
I mean, some people will justsay hi back.
And um, I'm always shooketh bythe young people who are like,
hi, good morning.
They get so excited, you know.
Um, but people love when yousmile at them too, you know,
when it's a genuine hello or agenuine hi, and I find it so
much easier.
I think all of these littlethings go back to this

(12:58):
trajectory of always trying tobe in a place of joy.
And uh, that's one of them.
That's one of my little secrets.
So uh people should practice it.
It's really a great thing.
And by the way, back then I hadbraces and I had a really ugly
smile, and I had teeth all infront of each other and
whatever.
And when she said that I had abeautiful smile, look at my

(13:19):
smile.
Like she kept doing that.
It just was something that litup in me, and it was just
brilliant.
Probably one of the mostbrilliant life lessons as a kid
that I learned from a stranger,because I don't know who she is
to this day.
I don't remember.
I feel bad.

SPEAKER_01 (13:39):
What's a piece of advice that you once ignored and
now you kind of wish you hadn't?

SPEAKER_03 (13:45):
Question.
Um, I the first thing that comesto mind is be not afraid.
And I was always told that.
I was always, you know, I'm notgonna lie.
I I I really had some greatpeople in my life who just went
out of their way to make sure umI was okay.
Um and be not afraid issomething that was constantly

(14:07):
kind of in my childhood and inmy upbringing, but I don't think
I understood what it meant forthe longest time.
I ignored it because I was like,I'm not afraid.
Of course I'm not afraid, duh.
You know, it was like, you know,like just like any teenager
would say or whatever, but itwasn't until I was working for

(14:32):
one of my clients who has sincepassed away.
She was an older lady, and thiswas like crazy money.
This was like somebody with awith with ridiculous money
who's, you know, all of herchildren had nannies, and you
know, she was always somebodywho was doing philanthropic
work, and um she just wassomeone that you could never

(14:55):
imagine, like, you know,cleaning a toilet or something.
You know what I mean?
It was just kind of that thing.
And but we got to know eachother, and she was so invested
and interested in how I grew up,and she knew my story.
She knew my entire story.
And this was way before I wrotemy book, right?

(15:17):
We're talking about when I firstmoved out to California and
stuff.
So she would ask me all thesequestions about my mom, about
growing up the way I did, aboutthe neighborhood, about she was
just so interested.
And she would always say thesethings like, you're just such a
brilliant human being.
After everything you've beenthrough, look at how good you

(15:39):
are at this.
Or you should, she always usedto say I should be a business
life coach, which is always sofunny, because I think those
things are kind of against eachother, but I know what she
meant, you know, because I wasable to help her to fix things,
to kind of give her advice thatshe never thought about.
And here she was.
I mean, it wasn't just that shehad a lot of money, she also had

(16:00):
businesses, you know what Imean?
So she always seemed to marvelat my ability to not just adapt
to the situation because I wouldmeet with lawyers with her, I
would meet with, you know, theCPAs, I would meet with people
on, you know, in all of thesedifferent um arenas that we
would find ourselves in.

(16:20):
You know, she also knew a lot ofbig-time celebrities who were
some of her best friends.
And I just, she was always like,you're just always so
comfortable and kind.
And then she would talk abouther own children and the
mistakes that she made with herown children.
And here's why this is sointeresting to me.
Because it wasn't until thatmoment, until I was speaking to

(16:41):
someone who in my childhood Iwould have thought of being
someone that would never pay meany mind or would never even
consider me an equal.
That's when I realized that Iwas not just equal to her, that
she thought I was in some way,shape, or form, even better than

(17:01):
I thought of myself, you know.
She didn't just see me as beingequal.
She actually treated me like Iwas even better at certain
things than she was, you know,and I think I understood from
her the most that all the thingsI feared about what people
thought about me, that I wasn'tsmart enough, you know, that I

(17:24):
wasn't pretty enough, that Iwasn't all of these things.
Um, she kind of broke that in mea little bit by just
acknowledging that she, thiswoman of prestige and wealth and
who knows everybody in town and,you know, has international
clients and all of this stuff.

(17:45):
Like she just made me feel like,oh my God, I am of such value.
And I think that's when Istarted understanding not to be
afraid of being who I am.
And here's the thing you know,most people who know me from
when I was little and growing upor in grammar school, high
school, or whatever, alwaysthought I was this really

(18:08):
strong, confident kid who alwaysknew what she was going to do.
Like there's the there's thefacade that I think we all walk
in, right?
The mask.
Um, because I always believedin, you know, um behave as if,
right?
That was kind of my motto as akid.
Like just winging, you know, butthat didn't mean it was true.

(18:29):
And it wasn't until I moved toCalifornia and really met her
and and and understood howvalued she thought I was, you
know, and I was giving heradvice about things that I would
have never imagined someone ofher quote unquote caliber would
ever ask someone like me, youknow?
And that's when I kind oflearned, you know, be not

(18:52):
afraid, be who you are, be whoyou is because it is good
enough, it is brilliant enough.
It's like you are somebody whocontributes to the world just by
existing.
And you may think that otherpeople have more than you do,
are smarter than you, are betterthan you because maybe they

(19:12):
drive a certain car, or maybethey have a certain amount of
money, or maybe they look acertain way, or whatever, but
they're probably looking at youand being like, wow, and you
never know what it is thatthey're interested in.
I had no idea why she thought Iwas so amazing until she
explained to me that I had beengiven a gift.

(19:34):
She was kind of trying to say,it's a gift because you you took
what was in front of you and youmade it great anyway, and look
at you now.
And she was always pumping me upthat way.
Look at who you are now.
You moved out here, you've got aname for yourself, people
respect you, everybody wants tohire you.

(19:54):
She would always cause it'strue, when I was working for
her, people were always tryingto get me to work for them, like
her friends, you.
So um, but I I always thinkabout that.
Be not afraid.
I wish, I wish I had met herwhen I was like 12.
And um, you know, it's not thatother people didn't tell me
that, but you know, like whenpeople tell you stuff all the

(20:15):
time, it's just something elsewill click in your brain and
it'll make sense.
But my confidence that I had upuntil that time was it was real
and it was what it was, but itwas also part of the facade of
not wanting to be hurt or notwanting to be taken advantage
of.
But after I met her, Iunderstood, like, yeah, be not
afraid.

(20:35):
I am who I is and this is it.
And and and my confidence is avery different thing today than
it was back then.
I mean, I think that's true foranybody, but you know what I
mean.
What do I want people to getfrom this?
I think I think if I revealparts of who I am, I think it at

(20:56):
least lets people think aboutwhat they think about it.
You know, I think a lot of usdon't consider the depths of our
decisions too much.
I wish that we would.
I wish that more people wouldunderstand why they believe what
they believe, where that beliefsystem comes from.

(21:16):
Uh is it something that youshould keep believing today?
You know, I feel like when Ireveal parts of who I am, like
the smile thing, I've I'veactually never shared that at
all.
Um, but I hope somebody, oneperson tomorrow brushes their
teeth and does it, you know, andthey can start to see how one
small act might change and resettheir morning or reset their

(21:40):
afternoon or whatever it isbecause they can do this small
little thing.
I feel like when I share a pieceor a part of who I am or what I
believe, it doesn't matterwhether somebody else believes
it or not.
I think what matters is thatthat person takes it in and then
says to themselves, hmm, Iwonder what I think about it
too.
I wish for a world where we aremuch more interested in why we

(22:06):
believe what we believe asopposed to just believing the
thing that we were told tobelieve because our parents said
this or somebody said that orwhatever it is.
But like, why do you believe it?
You know?
And for me, the essence ofeverything I do comes back to
trying to always be a person whocomes from a place of joy and

(22:28):
positivity.
And um I kind of figured thatout uh when I was writing my
first book.
But I do really believe that mylife really is all about the
joy.
I I love that I named my companythat, and I love that that's
what I'm trying to promote on aregular basis.
And if I can help other peoplefind tiny pieces of joy, then I

(22:51):
feel like I'm doing what I'msupposed to do here.
You know, I don't mean to be sodorky about it, but it's
absolutely true.
So yeah, that's what that'sabout.
Are we done?
Hey everyone, thank you so muchfor your support.
We really appreciate it.

(23:12):
We love that everyone comes andchecks out the Carmen Talk,
Friday Night Live, Culture andConsequence, and the Private
Lounge, all under the umbrellaof All About the Joy.
And I am just so grateful.
I hope these little Carmen Talkshelp a little tiny bit.
Um, I know I enjoy doing them.
So until next time, thank you.
And remember, at the end of theday, it really is all about the

(23:34):
joy.
Bye, everyone.

SPEAKER_02 (23:36):
Thanks for stopping by, All About the Joy.
Be better and stay beautiful,folks.
Have a sweet day.