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September 24, 2024 58 mins

What happens when the structure of a military household collides with the chaos of addiction? Join us as Amir, an alumnus of Fellowship House, shares his compelling story of growing up in Scranton with a strong-minded mother whose military career shaped his early years. Amidst the discipline and the profound absence of his father, Amir reveals the emotional toll of his mother's multiple deployments and the resilience he built navigating these complexities. Listen as he opens up about the strong influences in his life and the unseen struggles behind a disciplined exterior.

Amir had always vowed to avoid the pitfalls of substance use, but his freshman year of college marked a turning point. He candidly recounts his first encounter with marijuana, its initial appeal as a stress reliever, and how it gradually became a daily habit that impacted his academic and personal life. Through his journey, you'll hear about the juxtaposition of his dedication to mental health as a career and his own battles with addiction. This episode sheds light on the multifaceted challenges he faced, from the pressures of becoming a parent to the grueling balance of seeking recovery while maintaining professional responsibilities.

The heart of Amir's journey unfolds at Fellowship House, where he found the community support crucial for his recovery. With raw emotion, he describes the initial anxiety and eventual comfort he experienced within this supportive environment. Key moments include the transformative power of open communication, the importance of surrendering control, and the ongoing commitment to service that Fellowship House instilled in him. Celebrate Amir's continued dedication to recovery and his inspiring drive to give back, proving that the journey doesn't end with personal triumph but extends to uplifting the community.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and thanks again for listening to another
episode of All Better.
I'm your host, joe Van Wee.
Today's guest is Amir.
Amir is Fellowship House alumni.
Amir is here today to discusshis entry into recovery, the
events that led to treatment.
We also discuss what addictiondid for him, what needs it met

(00:25):
and why addiction is so powerfuland still so easily
misunderstood.
We talk about the barriers thatwere in the way sustainable,
long-term recovery, how he facedoff each one of them in the
first year, how he asked forhelp and support in each one of

(00:45):
these problems.
I really look forward to youmeeting Amir.
Okay, well, we're here and Iwant to start with this.
The word and name Amir has itsroots in Arabic and is commonly
translated as commander, princeor leader.

(01:10):
It originally referred tosomeone with authority, often a
military leader or noble ruler.
Historically, the term was usedacross the Islamic world,
particularly in the context ofleaders in Arab and Muslim
societies, and could be appliedto various ranks and nobility or

(01:31):
governorship.
In early Islamic times, amir,commander of the faithful, was a
title used for the caliphate,emphasizing their leadership
over the muslim community.
Over time, the term amir hasbeen adapted into various
languages, maintaining itsassociation with leadership and

(01:53):
authority.
So this is the first time I'mhaving a commander, and you were
our first noble prince atFellowship House.
How does it feel to be the firstRegal alumni Humbling Amir?
Thanks for coming on.
Man, I thought maybe we couldtalk a little bit today about

(02:19):
your background, your bio,growing up, true blue west side
and you do bleed blue always, umand then we could talk about
what's happened over the lastyear.
So, uh, why don't you give me asummary, uh, of what it was
like growing up in scranton?

Speaker 2 (02:37):
um, for me growing up in scranton, um, I was always
so.
I've had the same friend groupsince I'm three, four years old
and it's remained since.
Now, as I'm older, my biggestthing was like family.
My mom put that first andthings kind of shifted because

(03:00):
my mom wanted to give my sisterand I a better life, so she
joined the military and kind offrom there I seen it as a
sacrifice.
But my sister didn't reallytake it that way.
My dad was always in and out.
He kind of was never reallythere, but at one point in time
we stayed with him.
From there these things happenlike childhood trauma.

Speaker 1 (03:20):
So I couldn't really, I guess, get over it, but at
the time I didn't know that youdidn't really, I guess, get over
it, but at the time I didn'tknow that you didn't know and
these words weren't used trauma.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
It was just for me, growing up in a background with
my mom being alreadystrong-minded because of the
things she dealt with her life.
It only made it stronger onceyou joined the military.
So with that it almost made itseem like being a single mother
and having a son, that anythingthat I went through I just kind
of had to deal with it and getover it and just keep moving.

(03:52):
So with me I never really gotin trouble.
I was always a standout kid ora leader in my friend group or
anything that I did.
So I kind of attached myself toother things, that kind of
suppress everything that I wasgoing through.
But again, being young, I don'tunderstand the words of
suppress or the things that Iwas dealing with.

(04:14):
It was just normal life to me.

Speaker 1 (04:15):
Well, how old were you when your mother joined the
military?
What branch did she go into?

Speaker 2 (04:21):
I was five my mom joined the army and then from
there I stayed with mygrandparents.
My mom first went to like basictraining and then it just got.
My mom ended up deploying threeor four tours Iraq, afghanistan
and from there at first Istayed with my dad.
Then my mom soon realized thatjust wasn't a good place for my

(04:42):
sister and I.
So from there we kind of likebounced around.
Like one year we stayed withlike a lady that my mom trusted
from church and didn't end well.
She was like stealing my mom'smoney.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
Oh boy.

Speaker 2 (04:55):
So from there and then my sister kind of started
to rebel with everything thatwas going on.
So from I ended up staying withone of my friends.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
So how old was your mother when she went into the
military?

Speaker 2 (05:13):
Maybe I would say like late twenties, late
twenties, you're five.

Speaker 1 (05:16):
She returns from bootcamp.
She's deployed Um when shecomes back and you're with her
every day.
And now the influence is yourmom and her house.
What influence did the militaryyou think have on parenting?

Speaker 2 (05:34):
I think it was more of structure.
And then my mom's biggest thinghas always been she never
wanted my sister and I to gothrough the things she's gone
through.
My mom's life was kind of rough.
So I feel like with that it wasjust more strict and also
trying to make up for time.
So my mom has never been theone to tell my sister-in-law she

(05:56):
loves us.
It was almost like you shouldknow already and then with that
people would say that my momkind of tried to buy us with buy
her love in a sense.

Speaker 1 (06:09):
so I think she was just compensating and when you
say buy, was it more I don'tknow of of providing, or was it
trying to buy favor?
Um, I think that love comesthrough provision.
Like I'm providing my life,energy, my time, 40 hours plus,

(06:29):
goes to committing and bondingand raising you.
Um, do you think she kind oftranslated it?

Speaker 2 (06:35):
that way, I think it was a sense of providing, but
also um like materialisticthings yeah like there would be
a time where I could ask my momfor anything and she always
struck it up to.
Well, I'll figure it out.
I ended up getting it and Ithink also because I'd never
gotten in trouble.
I was always like a by the bookkid.

(06:57):
Anything my mom said like I did.
All she had to do was scream atme, and I understood.
My sister was the completeopposite.

Speaker 1 (07:03):
So yeah, yeah, she ran a tight ship and you were
pretty much you walked the line.
You're, you know, earlychildhood, even adolescence, and
active in sports.
How did that come about?
How did you get involved?

Speaker 2 (07:15):
in sports, particularly football, so it's
funny, my grandfather.
Actually, when I stayed with mydad the first time, it was kind
of like district, it was church, school, home, that's literally
all it was.
What church Were you at Amal,bethel, salvation Apostolic
Temple.
It's on Maynard, yeah, mygrandfather.

(07:37):
So that was just all we did andmy grandfather kind of was like
, well, you need to allow him todo something else.
So from there my dad actuallysigned me up when I was really
really young.
I actually played D team twoyears because I was underage the
first time Falcons or Jets.
I was a South South GrandSteeler.

Speaker 1 (07:55):
Oh, get out of here you were.
Oh, okay, I thought you were.
Why did I believe you were inWestside early childhood?
Or is it just high school?
Uh, middle school and highschool, middle school and high
school.
Okay, so you were a Steeler man.

Speaker 2 (08:07):
That's the bad news bearer so football been a Viking
after I never played PVfootball on Westside yeah, yeah,
it was either a Jets or theFalcons.

Speaker 1 (08:16):
The Falcons had like shiny, brand new gear in the
Westside, jets we, we had topractice Cloverfield.
There's usually hypodermicneedles, broken Genesee bottles
there.
Our coaches were drunk.
The Steelers man, oh, that'swild.
And so did you take to footballright in midget league.

Speaker 2 (08:37):
Immediately.
Honestly, it was just like anoutlet for me and I fell in love
with it.
It was something that wasn'tchurch or school or being at my
dad's house getting screamed ator chastised for things that
were out of a kid's control.
So how old are you?
27?

Speaker 1 (08:57):
no, uh at the time of the steelers.
Yeah, when you started five,four or five, four or five.
So there's there's periods ofyour life that are outside the
structure of the house, thedeployment of your mom missing a
primary caregiver, and thenthere's other mentors in your
life, between your grandfather,the influence of the church.

(09:18):
But football I want to look atthat.
Can you describe the experience?
Remember we've talked aboutflow state like this ability to
become good or so interested insomething, even while you're
becoming an expert at it.
That time fails to beacknowledged, confusion is

(09:39):
alleviated and there is a flow.
It's like binary codes justflowing.
How long into football before?
Maybe you had that firstexperience and describe it to me
Was it?
Was that the first place youfelt flow?

Speaker 2 (09:56):
I'd say so.
Yes, honestly, it just becamenatural to me and, like I said
before, it was an outlet, so Iwanted to learn every single
thing about it.
I remember my first timeplaying.
I knew nothing about footballat all, but I knew that, um,
there was a job to do and I seentapes on tv and I mimicked that

(10:17):
.
So from there I just kind offell in love with it and it just
carried on from um d on to highschool football, a little into
college.

Speaker 1 (10:28):
So you got all this going on Childhood.
What was the definition for youof substance use disorder, or
people who used alcohol or drugs, or your understanding of it?
What was your relationship tothat idea the first 12 years of
your life?

Speaker 2 (10:47):
I didn't know much about it, honestly.
So addiction runs in my family.
I seen it on my mom's side.
My mom has a sister that dealtwith it for years and I remember
being young and she would callmy mom's phone when she was
really high or something and Ijust never understood it.
It seemed like distress orstrength.

(11:08):
So from there I kind of took itas like, well, that's not what
I want to be at all, you don'twant to be that call.
I don't want to be that person,so I never.
I kind of disliked because Iseen the stress that it put on
my mom.
So I told myself that that'sjust not something a life I want
to live.
And then fast forward.
My sister ended up strugglingwith it when we were maybe in

(11:30):
high school.
She had her first child at 15.
So from there I seen all likewhat my sister was doing and her
rebelling and my mom's stilltrying to run a tight ship with
my sister kind of going againstall of that yeah so I started to
um get this, not I wouldn't sayhatred, but it almost made me

(11:52):
feel some type of way and resentlike resenting bitter
definitely resentment or bitter.
So for me I kind of took thatas it made like the path that I
was on even stronger, Like Idefinitely won't do any of this.
Yeah, I feel like for me therewas always just a missing piece,
Like I never I suppressedeverything my entire life.

(12:13):
So with that I kind of movedforward in my life and never
really tried to indulge or learnabout what was really going on
yeah, yeah, and who would becapable of that?

Speaker 1 (12:26):
sometimes at that age it almost has to be shown True,
or especially if it's notpermitted.
I guess the last note on this,before we start to talk about
how you get introduced toalcohol and drugs, what you just
described what did that do tothe expectations, or what were

(12:49):
the expectations of your motherthen, even after the military,
now that your sister is showingopposition, defiance, is having
struggles with being a mother at15?
What are the expectations onyou now?
Who's not rebelling and howwould you meet those

(13:10):
expectations?
How did you feel them and howdid you define them?

Speaker 2 (13:14):
I feel like for me, just always walking that tight
rope, I feel like it was alwaysthe expectation was Amir's
always going to do well.
So he wasn't really a worry ora care, because it was expected
for me to.
Anything that I've done or Itried to do, I was going to be
successful at it, just becauseof the foundation that my mom

(13:35):
built and the type of mindsetthat I had.
So I feel like it was almost,in a sense, I just wasn't a
worry.
So with that, no one reallythought to think that Amir
wouldn't be okay at some pointin time in his life?

Speaker 1 (13:49):
Yeah, and in that parenting did she always stress
cultural pride to be yourself,Because you seem intact, even
with the stress not being ableto express it, but you seem
pretty intact to handleresponsibility, resiliency.
There's stress around you andyou're still walking a path.

(14:10):
What supports were there, eventhough you couldn't express
yourself?
Was it just your mother'sdiscipline and guidance?
How would you then?
Was there coaches?

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Part of that.
I think the big part was my mom.
I've always looked up to herbut I also got it from the
outside thing.
So like I also the other partof it.
I did love football but I gotthat father figure from some
coaches.
Like I remember a time when mymom was away, when I left the
Southside Steelers and I went tothe North Grand Vikings.
I remember a few weeks prior tome even going to think about

(14:46):
playing there, a guy showed upat my grandfather's church to
buy food and he looked at me andhe said you're going to play
for me next year.
And my mom was like well, I'mleaving.
The only way he's going to playfor you is if you pick him up
and take him, because I have nocontrol over that.
And he started that and healmost let me into his family.
It wasn't only he would take meto work out with his other sons.

(15:11):
And then it became a pointwhere I was sleeping over their
house.
They'd have a boys' night outon Friday and they'd allow me to
go.
So that's kind of where itstarted.
So I looked at I had goodpeople in my life that I kind of
looked up to.
Then with my friend group.
They have their fathers intheir life, so also them.

(15:32):
They've allowed me into theirfamily, like I was one of their
own as well.

Speaker 1 (15:37):
That sounds welcoming .
Regent High School, endingmiddle school when did you first
see alcohol in the socialsetting amongst your peers, and
how did you make the transitionthat this could be something
safe or it's just part of life,and how did you get introduced

(15:59):
to it?

Speaker 2 (16:00):
So middle school and high school, me and my friends
always would hang out at my onefriend's house and there'd be no
parents around, but he hadolder brothers and they would
smoke, drink, have a bunch offriends over and I still always
took the stance like beingaround it, but that this just
wasn't for me, honestly, and Iand and that was all like middle

(16:24):
school, high school, like Icould be around it, but I had a
strong mind enough to where Itold myself this is going to
mess up anything that I havegoing on or want to do in the
future.
Yeah, it wasn't until maybecollege, my freshman year of
college, that I, um, I triedmarijuana for the first time,
and from there I remembervividly I it was a night before

(16:48):
a big exam and my friends kindof kept trying to talk me into
going to smoke with them and Ikept saying no and finally I did
, and from there it kind of Igot this thought in my brain
like this is what I've beenmissing my entire life, like
this is going to be able toallow me to deal with whatever
it is.
I'm going on, I have going on.

Speaker 1 (17:07):
So let's unpack that.
So this is immediately.
You have an experience throughsmoking pot, smoking it correct
and you have this, the state ofconsciousness that is just
foreign.
That would it be accurate tosay.
Maybe you've never experienced,I would say so.
And if you had to describe itlike with this sentence,

(17:30):
completing the sentence, thisexperience relieved what?

Speaker 2 (17:39):
Stress, whatever was going on in my mind, because I
remember there was a time where,a week prior to that, I
remember I was sitting in aclass, my freshman year of
college, and this lady came inand spoke.
I think she was a counselor andshe had said well, I know it's
a rough time for all youfreshmen.

(18:00):
You're away from home, you gota lot on your mind.
If you ever need someone totalk to, I'm here.
My door is always open.
And I got this feeling like inmy chest, like maybe it's time
that I need to speak abouteverything that I have going on.
So I got the courage to go andspeak to her.
So I went to her office and shewasn't there.
So from there it kind of tookit back to a place of well, this

(18:25):
is the reason why I've beensuppressing everything my whole
life.
Like, finally I get the courageto go speak to somebody about
how I'm feeling, because I don'tknow what's going on.
This is the first time I'veever had this feeling and I've
never dealt with anything.
And for you to not be there,you didn't mean it.
So I kind of took that as anegative and she simply could
have just gone home?

Speaker 1 (18:45):
Yeah, she could, so it could be a coincidence.
It's strange how we're like Icould relate to that.
I think other people can thatthis is the funny thing about
even agnostics or atheists acondition like there are, a
scenario like that happens,where the person's not there and
somehow they interpret it as ananswer of a bigger structure, a

(19:05):
narrative.
The universe told me, when it'sjust someone going out to lunch
and if we had a healthyresilience, it sounds like yours
is starting to just crumble.
You take a risk, you want toexpress some stuff that maybe
you feel you should talk about.
You've always beeninternalizing and putting on
your shoulders and now theuniverse told you see what a

(19:32):
failure.
I get that.
I get that.
Now I got an answer.
So, instead of talking, thereis a shortcut and marijuana
arrived as a good thing in yourlife.
Like this is how it arrives.
It's giving you something.
How'd that progress?
Like were you drinking at thattime?

Speaker 2 (19:56):
I've never really been a drinker.
You weren't a drinker.
Yeah, like I can go to a party,maybe drink a little, but for
the most part I was never adrinker.
Just never really.
I don't like, I'm very what'sthe word I'm trying to say?
I just don't like to be outsideum drunk or anything like that.

Speaker 1 (20:16):
You don't like that having control do you feel like
correct?

Speaker 2 (20:19):
like I like to be aware of my surroundings at all
times, like I'd people, so youweren't drinking every night at
fellowship house.
No, never.

Speaker 1 (20:29):
So the first kind of connect a little bonding with,
say, an outside chemicalexperience is marijuana and from
the start it's producingsomething that seems valuable,
has value, how does has value?
How does that progress?
Is it casual use at first?

Speaker 2 (20:50):
at first it was casual use and then it became to
a point where everyone that Iwas hanging out with football
season was over in college, soit would almost be.
I'd get out of class at 4.30,.
I'd be done by 5 o'clock.
Me and the people that Isurrounded myself with were
smoking pot, and it just becamean everyday thing and it

(21:12):
progressed to well, I have an 8am.
Am I really going to go?
No, I'm not really going to go.
I'm going to go smoke pot withmy friends.
So it just got worse.
And then from there Itransferred schools and I met a
friend that kind of had the samemindset that I did.
So it progressed.

Speaker 1 (21:31):
And did it like not go into class?
Was it?
Was it an after effect oflethargy, lack of attention?
Did it diminish ambition, orwere you considering doing
something else or felt trapped?
How would you describe it?

Speaker 2 (21:49):
I think it's just more of the ambition thing.
Yeah, like I've always been,I've always done well in school.
So I'm the type of guy thatwould go into a class and in the
beginning I'd see the syllabusand I know just amount of how
many assignments that I couldmiss.
But if I get this high on theexam I'd be fine, yeah.
And once I got to college, itwas almost people like college

(22:12):
is so much harder, and I waslike, well, you didn't read the
syllabus?
Yeah, exactly.
And from there I kind of tookit that way.
I stopped going to class andfrom there, like Kings, king's
is a small school, yeah, so ifyou miss a few classes, your
professor is probably going toemail you and make sure you're

(22:33):
fine.
Yeah, and at the time I was inthe economics program and the
lady on the chair we had a goodbond so she would check on me
all the time and I thought atthe time that she was just being
annoying.
So from there.

Speaker 1 (22:47):
That's a real, economical way to approach
college.
So your time banking this ishow I'm seeing it.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
You read a syllabus, you see.
First you know the opportunitycost of doing everything.
You lose time to smoke pot andhave a social life.
So let me look at thediminishing returns of doing

(23:12):
this.
And you get time back.
So you're immediately scanningfor the value of when do I have
free time?
Free time is when I feel reliefor I feel relaxed.
I haven't had enough of this inmy childhood.
Would that be an accurate scanof how you approach your
economist?

Speaker 2 (23:31):
Yeah, most definitely .
It was like that in high schoolas well.
Like I remember one of my bestsubjects, it's chemistry.
I remember my first day ofchemistry class my sophomore
junior year.
I was sleeping in the class andthe teacher was pretty upset
and he came and gave me thiswhole lecture.
Oh, you're going to fail.

(23:51):
This isn't a class that youshould be sleeping in.
Listen to him.
We got our first exam.
I got a 98 on it.
He didn't say anything to mefor the rest of the, for the
rest of the quarter.
So it's always been that way inschool.
The school came easy to me.
Did you sleep again in thatclass?
Of course yeah, cause I knewthat, um, I would.
I can listen and learn.
As long as my ears were open,I'd be fine.

Speaker 1 (24:16):
When did you pay consequences be it if it was
marijuana or things elevatedthat um other drugs got
introduced and it didn't seemlike you were seeking them out.
From your history Kind ofsummarize to me how marijuana
elevated to something else.

Speaker 2 (24:38):
It elevated to something else, when I'd say
probably, when I got into arelationship, it was always kind
of around that said person.

Speaker 1 (24:50):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (24:51):
And that's kind of the lifestyle she lived.
So from there she was alreadylike a big pot smoker and I
think she just was looking forsomething, too, like other than
pot, and from there it was justintroduced and it just got out
of hand it.
It got to a point where it waslike, well, the pot worked, but
this is 10 times better.

(25:11):
Um, I can still this.
It puts me exactly where I needto be in terms of not dealing
with whatever I have going on.

Speaker 1 (25:21):
And was that an opiate Correct?

Speaker 2 (25:27):
And what do you think the opiate was treating?
I?

Speaker 1 (25:31):
think it was treating you better.
Remember from psychoeducated.

Speaker 2 (25:38):
I think it was like the nurturing factor of it.

Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yeah, yeah, it's interesting I mean just to put
the landscape out there for alot of people who don't
understand how powerful opiatesare.
And there's a distinction withopiates and addiction, because
they're not like dopamine orrewards it is nurturing and
opiates they treat pain.

(26:02):
They treat pain and you canhave physical pain and get the
proper amount of opiates and youwon't walk out of the hospital
an addict because it's treatingthe physical pain.
But if you have 20 years ofcompounded emotional suppression
, pain, lack of bonding or thinkthe world's not a safe place,
the nurturing effect of anopiate is hitting the chemical

(26:25):
software system of your brain.
That's telling you a new parentarrived.
It is the chemical of love,like it's.
So I think that's missed withwhy stigma persists in any way,
or it even persists in even somerecovery communities.
That that doesn't involvevolition or will.

(26:47):
That is a hack, that someonehacked my hard drive and now I'm
going to be a participant inthat.
I mean, why wouldn't you wantsomeone to feel that way if they
were in pain?
And that's that's what a realaddiction is.
It's that's what, and that'sthe illusionary nature of it,
that you feel like an internalparent arrived.

(27:09):
Did the consequences arrivequickly.
It's hard to maintain any kindof relationship with an opiate
at that age, with a lot going onhaving a really strict timeline
for school employment.
What happened?
Timeline for school employment.

Speaker 2 (27:28):
What happened?
So for me, I feel like theconsequences didn't arrive early
, yeah, like they honestlydidn't.
I was constantly living adouble life, like I had my
addiction started and I stoppedat Cold Turkey to join the
military From there.

(27:48):
There was still kind of likethat feeling so I could come
home on leave and that was thefirst thing that I was doing,
and even then I'd go back likeeverything was normal yeah um,
from there I took a.
I ended up taking a job at astate prison.
I feel like that's really whereit kind of been heightened.
Yeah, um, at work I was fine,perfectly fine, just the

(28:09):
environment that I was in.
And then I go home when I gotoff of work and that'd be the
first thing that I wanted to do.

Speaker 1 (28:14):
Do you think working in a prison had an influence
over that Cause?
The environments?
Was it stressful for you or wasit?

Speaker 2 (28:23):
that's a really stressful job.
I don't think it was theenvironment for me, I just think
it was.
It could be a sense of stillnot dealing with whatever I had
going on.
And then I have this sense ofum, ultimately not close friends
, but I know a lot of peoplethat have their lives have ended
up in situations like that.
So to have the thought, knowingthat, like what I'm doing, or

(28:45):
the path that I'm going down onmy second life, because I'm
living a double life at thismoment, that it could lead me
here, so to have that thought inmy head, it kind of that was
the stressful piece of it.

Speaker 1 (28:57):
So there's this invisible boundary in your mind
that, if it's not clear where itis, but you know if you indulge
too much, a line could becrossed that it's very hard to
return from.
So there's a restraint in you.
You're trying to use a drug inwhat I don't know would be a

(29:17):
responsible way and still havethe benefits of it.
I think that's prettyreasonable for most people,
especially as you're.
You know you haven't hadwithdrawal, you've been in the
military.
You're coming home from leave.
Does that attitude later hinderyour entrance into recovery?
That like restraint, willpower.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Definitely I don't think.
For the longest even I didn'tknow much about recovery, so it
wasn't really like a big piecein my mind Like I would have
like spouts of telling myselflike this isn't how I want to
live my life.
I know I need to stop and Idon't.
I've always told myself Ididn't have like an addictive
personality.

Speaker 1 (30:03):
So I chalk it up to if I wanted to stop, I would.
Yeah, you don't havepersonalities, or you know it's
a construct of you.
Have a great personality.
You get a lot of pain.

Speaker 2 (30:11):
Yeah, definitely, just haven't dealt with.

Speaker 1 (30:17):
When does it become apparent to yourself, or maybe
others first, that this isstarting to look like an
addiction, and why?

Speaker 2 (30:26):
So once I finally got home and I was just working, I
think, like my my mom started tokind of she's a hawk, right?
So she'd make little commentshere and there and I'd be like,
yeah, you don't know what you'retalking about.
And from there I found out Iwas having a baby.
So instantly I told myself thisthis can't be it.

(30:49):
And I stopped by myself coldturkey, yeah, and I was living.
Did you have withdrawal at that?

Speaker 1 (30:55):
time for a couple days.

Speaker 2 (30:57):
Yeah, I did.
It was really bad, but like Iremember, once I got over that
hump, like I remember goingoutside and seemed like a a
whole different.
I was like where have I beenliving?
This looks completely differentthan the life that I've been
living in.
So I kind of I started workingagain.
I took a job in mental healthand I was doing that for a while

(31:18):
and everything was going fine.
But there was still a missingpiece, because now I'm having a
baby but I'm still in asituation to where I'm unhappy
and I'm not dealing withwhatever it is that I have going
on.

Speaker 1 (31:31):
And what attracted you to mental health?
Was it an attraction or anopportunity?

Speaker 2 (31:35):
that you felt before you went?
I think a little of both.
I think it was like I know somany people that have dealt with
mental health in my life andfor me I guess I feel like I
enjoy helping people, so it wasa scapegoat for me to not deal
with whatever I had going on,and you're very good at it, Um,

(31:55):
not only professionally, um,socially.

Speaker 1 (31:58):
we've helped many, many people here.
Um, I don't think a lot ofpeople would have got through
this program, uh, withoutknowing you.
I, I don't think a lot ofpeople would have got through
this program without knowing you.
I appreciate that.
So you stop again on your own.
You find an exciting new careerpath to mental health.

(32:22):
It has more than just a careerlabel to it.
There's a mission, a vocationto it.
How does addiction interruptthat again?
And you have a child.
At that time she was on her way.

Speaker 2 (32:35):
I remember, towards the end of like, my daughter
about to come, there was just anopportunity to do it once again
, to do opiates once again, andI didn't question it, I just
went straight in and I did it.
And then, right around thattime, I guess, I felt like

(32:55):
everything was going so well,like I kind of deserved to do it
, I'd be fine.
Like I quit once before.
It's a reward, yeah, Ishouldn't, it shouldn't be a
problem.
Then I got into nursing school,so everything was going the
right way.
My daughter was going to beborn soon and just had no
worries.
So I felt like it is what it isBlue skies, yeah.

(33:18):
And then from there it justprogressed until I think my
daughter was like a month or two.
I finally called my mom and Ilet her know this is not okay.
I need to change my life around.
Was she surprised?
She wasn't surprised.

Speaker 1 (33:35):
Yeah, of course her mother knows, she knew the whole
time.
Yeah, man, she is like Spock orintuition, she just is like
Professor X, she knowseverything that's going on right
.

Speaker 2 (33:44):
And for me I knew she knew intuition, she just it's
like professor x, she knowseverything that's going on right
and like.
And for me, like I knew sheknew because my mom would stop
coming around as much she'danswer the phone for me.
Then it'd be random things likeoh mom, I have a bill due here.
Um, I'll give you back themoney on friday.
Well, my mom has never reallybeen one to let me borrow money.
Anyway, she thinks I'm cheap,so she'll let my sister borrow

(34:08):
money.
Her favorite thing to say to meis you love to spend everyone
else's money except yours.
She's kind of true.
So from there, that was thestruggle.
So I just decided to checkmyself into a rehab In the first
time.
Surroundings I remember eventhe first time being there, I

(34:29):
told myself I can't relate toanyone that's up here at all.
I'm just here to and why.

Speaker 1 (34:34):
What do you think you were listening to that made you
start making more distinctions,that you're different, rather
than more things you could hearto say, okay, I'm similar.
I understand that.
What do you think?
Was it a defense?
Or did you really not relate to, maybe, the severity of their
addiction?
What was it?

Speaker 2 (34:55):
I think it was the severity, like I would hear
people share their stories andhow they lost everything and
like where their addiction tookthem and I was like, well, I've
always kept the job, I'vemaintained the same friends,
everything in my life is okayfor the most part.
It's just this addiction thatI'm battling.
So I told myself I'm nothinglike you guys at all, just kind

(35:19):
of ignorant of the wholesituation.
So from there I kind of like Iwanted to change completely and
I was all for being sober, sofrom, but it was just kind of
like a missing piece again.
Yeah, I just didn't fullyindulge into it.

Speaker 1 (35:38):
You didn't feel part of a community At all.

Speaker 2 (35:39):
Yeah, so I ended up getting out of rehab and I
obtained some clean time maybeabout three or four months and I
got a foot surgery.

Speaker 1 (35:51):
And from there on purpose, unfortunately no, I put
my foot in a vice.

Speaker 2 (36:00):
So from there, I think the part of it was me too.
Even you could, in a sense youcan kind of say, maybe not on
purpose, that I got the footsurgery, but I didn't.
I didn't make it a point tokeep reminding the doctor that
I'm an addict, yeah.
So from there, obviously thatwas my sixth foot surgery.
Goodies were on the way andeven then I didn't go pick them

(36:20):
up.
And then I had someone takingcare of me.
That was an active addiction,yeah, and me being like I
couldn't move or anything likethat, and seeing them constantly
come in high.
At that point it was kind oflike, well, what else is there
to do?
I'm stuck in bed.
Yeah, it gets defeating.

(36:40):
So the next thing I know I'musing with that same person
again.

Speaker 1 (36:44):
So the next thing I know I'm using with that same
person again and it's hard tohave a connection, especially if
someone you care about or ifthere's love involved One's in
an addiction.
You're unreachable to eachother unless you're either going
to get sober or share theaddiction.
The bond is just disconnected.
One will kill you rebondingwith it.
But it's painful to bedisconnected, and especially

(37:05):
living with someone andaddictions, the disconnection
One will win.

Speaker 2 (37:12):
So I even then, so that once it started it kind of
it didn't stop.
My foot got better and fromthere I was kind of like off to
the races.
I didn't see anything wrongwith the situation From there.
I was living with my mom at thetime because we felt like it

(37:33):
was easier for me to take careof my daughter and still go to
nursing school.
So I just kept going with theflow.

Speaker 1 (37:42):
How did you command attention for school study
writing?
Because you have really, uh,focused attention.
Um, was it starting to decline?
Was addiction doing anything tothat?

Speaker 2 (37:57):
Not, not, yet Not that part of my life at all.
Um, it was still.
I still maintained everything.
Yeah, like I believe that inthe beginning I really didn't
have any like consequences, tothe point where I told myself
they're visible Exactly.
Yeah, there was definitelyconsequences, like I could say
ultimately, I mean, I have adaughter at this point.

(38:19):
Yeah, I've always preached that.
I want her to have a betterlife than I did.

Speaker 1 (38:24):
Do you think you'll discuss addiction when they're
in the Times right?

Speaker 2 (38:27):
I think it's necessary, definitely because
this isn't just something that Iforget about.
The moment I do, I can go backto where I was before.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
Now, is there an event or multiple events that
bring you to this final approach, to to where you're at now?
How did that?

Speaker 2 (38:48):
unfold.
The event was, I remember beingin nursing school and all my
grades were great, completelyfine.
I had taken, we had a, a smallcourse.
There was two exams and againAmir gets in his head all two
exams, the commander.
I know it's.
I know what in his head.
Oh, two exams, the commander.
I know what I need to get onthe first one to be fine.

(39:10):
So I didn't study.
I got an 80 on one of my examsso I told myself, well, it'll
balance out.
I just got to maintain an 80average in this class and
everything will be fine.
I remember I never disclosedthis with anyone.
The night I was supposed to gostudy, do it on a podcast, of

(39:30):
course.
The night I was supposed tostudy, I had everything
flashcards and everything likethat.
I was going through withdrawalreally bad and I ended up
meeting someone, but I waitedhours for them and at that point
, once everything went, fellthrough and went the way I
wanted to, I was like I'm notstudying at all and there were

(39:51):
some things that I should havestudied because prior to that I
had missed the lesson.
I didn't go to class and or Iwould walk in and out of it the
one time we had class for it.
So from there I I got like a 45on the exam.
And that was the first time inmy life where I was like, wow,

(40:12):
this is really the effects ofthe things that I'm doing.
I'm not taking this serious.
And I got pulled into an officepretty much with a lot of my
teachers and like the director,and she had let me know like,
hey, I don't know what you havegoing on, but your grades are
declining.
We don't have to talk muchabout what you have going on.

(40:34):
If you want to, we can, but I'mgoing to allow you to leave
here and get yourself togetherand then come back, because
there's clearly something youhave going on, wow.
And from there I walked to mycar and sat there and was like,
yeah, this is not okay.
Like now, for once, the thingsthat I want to do with myself or

(40:55):
my life, it's starting to godownhill.

Speaker 1 (41:00):
And it's visible to other people, especially
professor.
There has to be some, not onlyjust your attendance and then
the production of a great mate.
She could.
Your eyes, your affect, yourphysicality is probably showing
it and wow, that that took a lotfor her to probably approach
immediately.

Speaker 2 (41:16):
Just come at you directly see, but the thing is,
in the beginning I I feel like Ibuilt a good rapport with
people, so she felt comfortableenough to let me know that, like
whatever you have going on inyour life, it's not okay.

Speaker 1 (41:28):
Yes, sort of.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
And I would rather you get yourself together than
see you go down like a hill,because at the end of the day,
yeah, this is something you wantto do, but priority is whatever
you have going on in your life.
You have to get that togetherfirst, before you can even sit
in a class 10, 15 hours a day Ifyou don't have your mind.

Speaker 1 (41:48):
you don't have anything.
Exactly, you don't haveanything.
The world's only experienced byyour mind and there's only a
world because you have one.

Speaker 2 (41:55):
Exactly.
So from there I left and therewas another two months of me
still being in chaos, honestly.
And then I met my mom the oneday she was.
I was like asking her to takeme for like to get a new job at
this point, and she was like, ohno, you're not getting in my

(42:16):
car, I'll get you a bus pass.
So I was like, oh well, justgive me the money.
She was like no way, I'm goingto take you down to get it
myself.
And from there I kind of hadthis feeling like my mom doesn't
even trust me to be in her caranymore.
And it's not that she doesn'ttrust me, it's just being around
it hurts.

Speaker 1 (42:35):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (42:36):
And at the time I didn't see that, I didn't
realize the people that I washurting Cause I've always had
this factor or this piece like,well, how could I affect you,
mom?
Like I don't have your money,like anything that I'm doing
it's outside of your house, sohow does this really affect you?
Just ignorant to the wholesituation.
And then I remember I wasliving still with the person I

(43:00):
was in a relationship with and Ifelt like I was at my low, but
I always kept on to this, thispiece, like there's definitely
light at the end of the tunnel.
I just need to get myself outof this situation.
I didn't know how I was goingto do it, but I knew that like
my life just wasn't that anymore, like I've became somebody that
that I didn't want to be.
It was outside of my morals andwhat I believed in.

(43:22):
I've allowed people to dictateor have that, have that peace in
my mind that they can just walkall over me.
And it just wasn't.
I just didn't like that anymore.
So I remember the one day I wassupposed to go to a family event
and I was like, oh, I'm justgoing to stay back, I'm not
feeling the best.
And my mama showed up andanything that I could fit in her

(43:45):
car, I packed it in there andnever looked back.
And then, even then still mejust being Amir I was like, oh,
you need to go to rehab.
And I was like I'll go to adetox, like we're not going to
argue, and, of course, but mymom's usually the bigger arguer
because she talks it up toanything that I say.
It's just disrespectful.

(44:05):
So, and I'm in her house so Ijust have to abide by her rules.
So she made a call to Marworthand at first I was like no way,
I'm not going and I decided to.
Honestly, the best decision Iever made.
That was last fall Last fall,and even from there, when I was

(44:26):
there, my whole plan was to getout of there and go live back
with my mom.
But I remember there was a timewhere How'd that work out?
Yeah, I remember I was sittingactually in a room with my
counselor and I think we hadn'tgotten into me and my mom had
gotten into an argument.

(44:46):
So she put her on speaker tocall her back, because now, like
I fear failure I've always haveand I guess things were
starting to happen so fast upthere and I was starting to see
a change and I didn't like that.
So I started to rebel and I hadsuch a great counselor to where
she called me into her office.
She's like I'm putting you on acontract.
I'm just going to be completelyblunt with you.

(45:07):
You're a great guy, but whatyou're doing here is just not it
.
So at the end of the day, we'rehere to save lives.
If you're not serious about it,you could leave and I was upset
.
But I was upset because she wasright.
So in the midst of that, I hadI left her office, slammed out
of there, and I came back and Iwas like well, you know what?
You can just sign me out now.

(45:28):
And she was like okay, well,I'll call your mom.
So we argued for another 10minutes and I was like you don't
need to call my mom.
Like I'm at the time, I'm oldenough to make my own decisions
to leave.
And of course she called my mom, put words.
She said in there, my counselorlooked and was like yeah, I
don't think it's best if you goback there.

(45:48):
So she pulled out a paper andit said fellowship house on it.
No idea what it was at all.
She was like uh, I know someone.
Tim actually said I know Tim.
Um, I'm going to have aconversation with him and he
probably will send you anapplication.
So I went to my other groups.

(46:11):
She came and got me.
She was like oh, you need tohave this in by two o'clock.
It was probably like one.
So I'm the application.
What did you think of that?
I was like okay, I'm justfilling it out.
And then now I get this sense oflike I'm kind of anxious
because I was asking a bunch ofquestions on the application and
I'm like well, they're talkingabout you have to be the right
fit here.
I've heard a couple of peopleup here that didn't get in.

(46:31):
I'm like, do I fit in?
Is it going to work for me?
And then from there I kind offilled it out and then I was
told I was going to have aninterview.
Then again I'm on the phonewith Tim interviewing me.
I'm on the phone with Timinterviewing me.

(47:00):
I'm like, well, this is goinggreat.
But there's still that piece inmy head because I overthink,
like to stay clean and do what Ineed to do to change my life.
I've been the one kind ofrunning the ship.
It's maybe time for me to takea step back and allow others to
show me or be around people thatare going to let me kind of do
what I need to do, you know, ora strong recovery.

(47:23):
So from there I just took astep back and I allowed the
counselor and Tim.
I spoke and things worked outand I came to Fellowship House.
I remember I got dropped offhere at Elephant and for the
front door and I met you and wespoke for a while and it just
felt like comfort and thedifference now it kind of was I

(47:48):
was just sick of living the samelife that I was living.
Yeah, and I knew that here Ineeded to whether, if it was
speaking or doing whatever Ineed to do for my recovery, it
needed to happen here.

Speaker 1 (48:03):
And your initial stay here.
We started launching our, ournew programming.
Uh, the php and iop wasconverging.
How would you say the the first60 days here?
Did it's, did it transform orchange your definition not only
of trauma, anxiety, reactions tofear, um, did it change your

(48:25):
definition of substance usedisorder, or did it or did it
reinforce what you were learning?

Speaker 2 (48:33):
I think, for me, so I can even take it back.
So within 24 hours of beinghere I had gotten into a huge
fight with my mom Insane.
So I'm a type of person thatkind of I give my all when it
comes to the people that I loveLike I spread myself very thin.

(48:54):
So I remember getting into anargument and for the one time in
my life I was like I'm finallygoing to pick up the phone and
call someone.
I remember trying to call youbut I had the wrong number, so I
just kept calling.
I'm like call someone.
I remember trying to call you,but I had the wrong number, so I
just kept calling.
I'm like, why is he answering?
And from there I kind of gotthat that spot when I did in
college, like, oh well, no onecares.
And then something in my headtold me well, no, keep calling.

(49:15):
So then I called Tim.
He didn't answer and then Icalled my counselor from
Marworth and she texted me andthen I got a call back from Tim.
Then I explained everythingthat was going on and from there
, after I explained and I talked, and then I came here because I
called the office and it wasopen yet yeah, I remember that.
From there I told myself, well,a part of my recovery is I need

(49:38):
to stop like holding on tothings I need to share.
I need to.
If it's bothering me, I need tolet it out, because once I let
it out I can process things inmy head a little better, like
that's part of my recovery.
And then I'm to a point where Ifeel like when I speak people
listen.
So I never know that somethingthat I might say can help

(49:59):
somebody else, because they'restruggling or have that idea
that no one would understandwhat they're going through.
That's why they don't explainor let it out.
So that's been the biggestpiece here for me, like just
speaking up and talking aboutwhat I'm going through and I
feel like I've gotten the spaceevery single time to do that.

Speaker 1 (50:18):
Yeah, yeah, I always want someone to feel that way.
I was shocked, you had thewrong phone number, you're
calling me.
I ran right over to feel thatway.
I was shocked, you had thewrong phone number, you're
calling me.
I ran right over the house.
I'm like, I'm on my way.
How would you summarize theentire experience here?
You went through a lot ofstressful events while you're

(50:38):
here and being in the structureof not only sober living, having
clinical care, the resources ofnot only a counselor having
clinical care, the resources ofnot only a counselor.
Now we have CRSs, me anytimeyou want to access me.
What would that have lookedlike if you weren't in the

(51:01):
structure and protection ofsober living while you're
building up that resiliency toreestablish work, school,
parenting, a car, because thathappened pretty rapidly for you.
But it never feels that waybecause you're not.
You're alumni now and you gotto keep coming back and telling

(51:23):
guys, man, because that happened, that happened just quickly.
You just kept following thenumbers and I know you had days
here where you thought this fuckit.
Yeah, like I'm getting, I'mgetting too many kicks in the
nuts here, man.
How would you summarize it now,sitting here today, what that
experience was for months?

Speaker 2 (51:44):
For me, the experience, like the structure
of the sober living is one thinglike it's great, but the
biggest thing here is, I think,it's the support and like the
outlets, like you guys trulycare and that's the biggest
thing about it.
Like there's real work beingdone here, like I'll always hold
fellowship house top tier forme.

(52:04):
Me, I can't complain becauseit's a program that truly
changed my life, and not onlychanged my life but allowed me
to kind of find myself more.
When I first got here, I hadthe idea that once I sat in a
group that I knew that I was notgoing to take days, months or
weeks to kind of try to figureout what I need to do for myself

(52:28):
.
Like I fully was 110% into theprogram and I can preach, I
think, because of that.
Like I reaped the benefits ofit and I continue to, because I
was ready to make a change formyself and that's the biggest
thing.
Like people can be around youand motivate you or push you to
do better in your life, but partof that has to be you wanting

(52:50):
to do that for yourself as well,because it starts with you.

Speaker 1 (52:53):
So when I read your application on the second
screening, I got to meet youhere.
You're exactly who we'relooking for and I'm going to
tell you why.
Because I knew if you gotbetter, you were going to help
other people.
That's the first.
So we're looking for two thingsin the application.
You got some wild questions inthere, right, I'm looking for

(53:14):
willingness and where theirmotivation is, even if it's low
or I feel like they might evenbe low and a little noncompliant
, that's fine.
But is it a person that if theyrecover and they get a balance
back in their life sanity, arethey going to owe that debt to
other people they haven't metyet?

(53:35):
We knew that was you, so that'sour culture.
Will you turn around and picksomebody else back up?
And you've done nothing butthat since you've left with
constant communication to theguys at the house, stopping by
speaking and making yourselfavailable while you're

(53:56):
maintaining more education?
Nurse, you just got a raiseParenting.
I couldn't have been more proud.
If we close tomorrow.
That was it.
That would be the whole value,because to me, the only currency
that is meaningful in lifeespecially after you die or if

(54:17):
you realize you're dying in lifewhat's your currency, what's
your echo in life?
Did you help someone realizethey didn't have to be suffering
?
That's currency.
I know you have that in yourheart.
I knew that right when we met.
So is there anything I didn'task you that you feel I should

(54:39):
have?

Speaker 2 (54:40):
No, but I will say always, I always will.
I appreciate everything you'vedone for me, not only you, but
everybody else around here.
Like I hold Fellowship Houselike near and dear to my heart
and I forever will, and I've Itold you before I left I always
want to be a part of this,whether if it's coming, speaking

(55:00):
and just showing people thatthis program does work.
If you allow it to, I'm awalking testimony of it and I
will continue to be, becausethere's great work being done
here, truly.

Speaker 1 (55:11):
Well, amir, I'm flattered and that feels good to
say.
I'll always be in service toyou as well.
So thanks for popping up,thanks for having me.
I'd like to thank you forlistening to another episode of
All Better.
You can find us on allbetterfmor listen to us on Apple

(55:36):
Podcasts, spotify, googlePodcasts, stitcher, iheartradio
and Alexa.
Special thanks to our producer,john Edwards, and engineering
company 570 Drone.
Please like or subscribe to uson YouTube, facebook, instagram
or Twitter, and, if you're not,on social media, you're awesome.

(55:59):
Looking forward to seeing youagain.
And remember, just becauseyou're sober doesn't mean you're
right.
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The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show

The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show

The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show. Clay Travis and Buck Sexton tackle the biggest stories in news, politics and current events with intelligence and humor. From the border crisis, to the madness of cancel culture and far-left missteps, Clay and Buck guide listeners through the latest headlines and hot topics with fun and entertaining conversations and opinions.

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