November 28, 2022 • 31 mins
Quiet quitting may be trendy but is rarely beneficial. So often in marriage, we can take our partner for granted. When that happens, the downward spiral to "Quietly Quitting" can start.
In the first episode, we are kicking off season 3 with a multi-part series on the dangers of "quietly quitting" in your relationship.
We are excited to be back and looking to continuing on the journey of healthier marriage with you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan (00:02):
Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.
This is a bit different.
We're starting a little bitdifferent when you're talking
about quiet quitting today.
And we're gonna be talking aboutsome signs that you or your
partner, your spouse, yourboyfriend, your girlfriend, are
actually quietly quitting oneach other, not giving the
relationship and opportunity bynot putting in the right amount
(00:22):
of effort.
And so today we just wannastart.
This whole new season with abang and go into something
that's a real, it's a trendright now in our current
culture.
Natalie (00:48):
Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
I'm Brian.
Wherever you are, whateveryou're doing, you've heard us
say over the last two seasonsonto our third.
Now get comfy, grab a coffee,grab a tea, grab a snack.
We're so glad that you've joinedus for our chat today.
Bryan (01:05):
Absolutely.
And as you heard, we are talkingabout quiet, quitting.
Natalie (01:10):
Mm-hmm.
seems to be this, this new term,flying around made super popular
by TikTok.
Bryan (01:16):
Well, I think that even in, in previous episodes, Today
we're talking a lot about, isreally just about communication.
It, it's essentially,essentially it's about
communication, but we're lookingat it a bit differently, kind of
around the interest was sparkedin us with the, the current
TikTok trends.
We, we, we get.
bombarded on Instagram andFacebook by these people that
(01:38):
are quietly quitting.
Mm-hmm.
This, it's funny how everyone'slike, oh, this is a new trend.
This has been around for such along time.
That's right.
And we, we've touched on sort ofslow fade Yeah.
In our earlier seasons where itwas, you know, we briefly
touched on that.
Yeah.
So we're kind of diving deep cuzit seems to be what's really
floating out.
And you know, if you heard thatold saying, I was thinking about
(02:02):
that when we were prepping, isthat old saying, dress for the
job that you want.
I remember when I startedworking at Shaw years ago,
that's one of the, the firstthings they said, dress for the
job that you want.
Mm-hmm.
And I kind of had this attitude,well, or this thought, well
we're, we're getting ready forthis podcast, but it was like,
behave or act or fight for themarriage that you want.
(02:23):
That's right.
And you don't have to settlesometimes for the marriage that.
Natalie (02:27):
Exactly, and, and that's not, leave your partner
or leave your spouse.
That's just saying you mighthave to change your approach.
Right.
You might have to change yourtactics.
Right.
Bryan (02:37):
And even though quiet quitting is is so much centered
around a job like it, it'sreally
Natalie (02:43):
central job.
It kind of came from.
Bryan (02:45):
Yeah.
And that's kind of where we evengot triggered for this and doing
some research there's actually alot out there on quietly
quitting in relationships, butit's not a new concept.
No, and I'm going to usesomething that we probably have
never done before.
I'm going to use a Homer Simpsonquote that this was something
that was said in 1995, HomerSimpson on the Simpsons said to
Lisa,"Lisa, if you don't likeyour job, you don't strike.
(03:07):
You just go in every day and youdo it really half-assed.
That's the American way".
Natalie (03:11):
How Applicable?
When you think of the amount ofeffort, I mean, they're talking
about a job perspective, but ifwe flip that to a relationship
standpoint, right.
Effective is that quote tosaying, if you just don't like
what you do, you don't justleave, you can just get by doing
the bare minimum.
(03:32):
And so many couples that we knowget by on doing the bare minimum
Bryan (03:37):
and bare minimum, I think is the, the, like the, I like
the ideal word for this wholequietly quitting.
Like we, I, I, I really lovethis message.
It's actually a scripture.
It's a, or it's a verse or aBible term that I will use.
I'm a pastor, so you get some ofthat.
Today is we have this thing thatI say, if you don't like what
(03:58):
you're reaping, you have tochange what you're sowing.
Mm-hmm.
In other words, if you don'tlike what's happening in your
marriage, if you don't like theway you communicate, the way you
process information, the way youdeal with your emotions, the way
you fight, even the way.
Any of that, you have to changeyour approach.
So if you're not getting whatyou want outta the relationship,
you have to put in the work onyour side, be accountable for
(04:20):
you.
Yep.
To make the relationship better.
Right.
Exactly.
And it's not, I mean, if you canrecognize within yourself, Hey,
I don't.
I don't like this or thisbothers me or whatever, but then
not say anything and notarticulate.
Right?
How are you expecting anythingto change, right?
Like the definition of insanityis doing the same thing over and
over and over again expecting adifferent result, right?
(04:41):
You're going to.
Drive yourself nuts and drivethose around you and your
partner if you continually dothe same thing that isn't
working over and over again,right?
We've said so many times, youknow what you know, and so
hopefully this can at leastspark a conversation, right?
Or, or you even, you, you almostwork yourself or drive yourself
(05:05):
to a standstill because you'retrying to do the bare minimum
and you're, you're expecting theother person to change before.
Exactly it.
Work on yourself and when youstart to work on the areas that
you are lacking in, or Frank,like you kind of suck in, then
you are.
(05:25):
I mean it, this was our storywhen I stopped basing the change
of our relationship based onwhen you finally got it
together, and, and reallystarted.
introspectively.
Look at myself and my failuresand my contribution to the
dissolving, you know,communication in our marriage.
(05:45):
Right.
Things began to change withinme.
Yeah.
Because I began to see the heirsof my way right.
And began to work on myself.
And and really, I mean, it's a.
Right.
You have to choose to want to bein the relationship with that
person.
And if you're not making thatchoice, and we've been together
(06:06):
almost till 24 years, we stillhave have to make that choice.
Wow.
Right.
You, you get up and you don'tget up.
you still make the choice tostay committed to, to loving
your spouse, to, you know, youget up every day, you go to
work, you take your kids toschool, whatnot.
(06:27):
Yeah.
It's the same concept, right?
It just doesn't magically happenover the years if you are not
willing to put in the work.
Right.
And I think that, that sayingit's a hundred percent, a
hundred percent, not 50 50.
Like, I'm gonna put in 50%,you're gonna put in 50% of the
work and then we'll make a magica hundred.
Yeah.
No, it's, we both have to put ahundred over a hundred as much
(06:50):
as we can into the relationship.
And that's why it's such a trendlike that.
Even when we were doing someresearch into this, you had.
One of the articles, I think itwas from the New York Post, was
saying there was a relationshipand someone,
Natalie (07:03):
oh, yeah.
Okay.
You've heard us.
If you've been with us since thebeginning, you've heard our
whole toilet seat debacle.
I, it's not a debacle,
Bryan (07:12):
it's a truth.
I think you need to keep it upfor me a little bit more
Natalie (07:14):
often.
Thank you.
I don't like the toilet seatbeing left up because I like it
up because I've fallen in toomany times.
Right.
So it, it, you get my point.
Well, In this new trend that iscoming, this woman was
expressing her displeasure withthis toilet seat being up all
(07:34):
the time.
And the New York Post commentedthat the what's the word I'm
looking for?
The advice that she was givenwas to divorce her husband
because he, the toilet seat up.
Let that sink in if that's whatit takes.
For you to end your marriage, isthe person leaving the toilet
seat up?
I mean, my husband still leavesthe toilet seat up.
(07:55):
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bryan (07:57):
It's like almost 10% better than it was 20 years ago.
Natalie (08:01):
I guess 10% is better than no percent, but
Bryan (08:05):
can we at least go with 15%?
We'll, we'll
Natalie (08:07):
stick with 10, but wow.
Wow.
The point being I had to make achoice.
Is this a hill?
I'm willing to.
For a long
Bryan (08:16):
time you were willing to die on that hill.
I was
Natalie (08:17):
willing to die on that hill It.
But when, when you're coming to,is this worth the end of him a
marriage because he leaves thetoilet seat up?
Like there could be so manyworse things
Bryan (08:29):
when you're in a bit of a sassy mood.
There's been times where I'll bein the bathroom and you'll text
me, put the toilet seat down.
Just cracking a joke.
Natalie (08:38):
That's right.
I mean, we joke about it nowbecause now it's kind of like,
you know,
Bryan (08:42):
It's way, it's not 10%, it's way better than it was.
Like, I,
Natalie (08:47):
whatever helps you sleep at, if
Bryan (08:49):
you guys could see her face right now and the way she's
trying to keep it fromcontorting into just a face of
lies and she's just like, you'resuch a liar.
Natalie (08:58):
The point is that is not grounds for divorce and it's
really, really, reallyunfortunate.
If that is the advice that isfloating around out there.
Well, that and
Bryan (09:08):
the part of the, the quiet quitting issue in
relationships.
If you don't have the right andwe should, if you don't have the
right friends and family aroundyou that are for you and your
marriage right, you need tochuck them.
And it sounds really harsh, butyou need people that are for
you.
Cuz marriage is hard enough.
Yeah.
When you have friends and familythat are supporting you and
walking you through lifetogether.
Exactly.
But marriage is even harder whenyou don't have that.
(09:30):
And you have toxic friends thatare saying, well, he left a
toilet.
Divorce him, he left his sockson the floor.
Divorce him.
Yep.
Or, or she didn't buy the milkthat you wanted or prepared the
dinner that you wanted, like getdivorced.
Like there's, you should bewilling 100% all the time to be
able to fight through almostanything in a relationship.
Right.
And we believe, like you, one ofour, our lines that we say the
(09:51):
most is we believe that marriagecan be restored.
You want to have a goodmarriage, so into your
relationship.
Like the reason Natalie and Ihave a, a, a good marriage.
Now that's not perfect.
Believe you me, she is notperfect.
I will tell you guys, she,anyway, we won't go there but.
To fight for that marriage.
If we wouldn't have fought forit, we wouldn't be where we are
now.
(10:11):
That's right.
And we have to keep waking upevery day and fighting for the
relationship.
Don't quit just because thingsget hard, like come on.
Natalie (10:17):
Exactly.
And I was saying to Brian, onecould assume.
That we've been together for along time, right?
We've been married for 21 and ahalf years.
One could assume that you cananticipate my every need, my
every desire, my every thought,and, and on.
Some things you really cananticipate.
Bryan (10:38):
I'm glad that there was some things there cuz I'm like
one could assume those thingsand be wrong.
Right?
Natalie (10:42):
And, and there's still a lot.
That is the wrong thoughtprocess because I still have to
communicate.
You are not a mind reader andwhy?
Yes, you can still anticipatebecause of my mannerisms or my
idiosyncrasies or the thingsthat I've already expressed that
I enjoy.
(11:03):
One of those is I enjoy myhusband making coffee before I
go to bed so that I can wake upearly with it ready for
Bryan (11:12):
me.
Did you bring this up becauserecently.
I did not make one one night.
No.
I was
Natalie (11:17):
so sad, but
Bryan (11:19):
okay.
No, no, no.
Is not, no, no, no, no, no.
We need to have a moment herewhen I need to inform our people
that listen to this of thesilliness of what's about what
happens if I miss coffee, whichis rare.
It's very rare.
I need you to acknowledge therareness.
Yes.
Natalie (11:35):
I'm, I'm acknowledging this is not a toilet seat
problem.
Bryan (11:37):
Rare.
This is very rare when I missedthe coffee, but like three
nights ago, I missed the coffee.
I was really tired.
I stayed up.
Way too late for me and I endedup going to bed, not making
coffee.
Didn't even cross my mind.
And she even said, Hey Brian,can you remember to make coffee?
He said, yeah, I got it.
When do I ever miss smarty pantson me?
I make the coffee.
But what's funny is, If shewouldn't have made coffee for
(11:58):
me, I would get up in themorning and I would just make a
pot of coffee.
No, she sits in her sadnessdoing her devotions at six in
the morning till about seven orseven 30 when I get up and then
looks at me, never reallyangrily and stares at me and
said, you didn't make me coffee.
Dead in the eyes.
dead pan.
You didn't make me coffee.
With a little tear that dribblesdown the side of her face, And
(12:20):
my immediate response is, I'msorry.
You're right.
I forgot.
Why didn't you make your own potof coffee?
Well, cuz you didn't do it.
I'm like, I don't understand thewords that you're saying.
That's
Natalie (12:29):
right.
The bottom line is you havespoiled me and it's not worth
being awake if there's no coffeewaiting for me.
And oftentimes I will go rightback to bed.
That's very true.
But saying back to our point ofstill have to communicate, you
can anticipate that we'll usecoffee as an example.
You can anticipate that.
(12:51):
Love and enjoy and appreciatethe fact that you make me my
coffee the night before.
I still have to communicatethough.
Please don't forget to make thecoffee because on, and even with
that communication, it's still,there are still misses.
Right.
And that's what we're saying.
Bryan (13:07):
And, but that's where a healthy communication in the
relationship.
Absolutely where, where thatactually makes a big difference
in how we're going to approachthe relationship and that that's
important.
And so it's, it's interestinghow.
one of the, we're gonna get intosome of the reasons.
We have a two, three episodesworth of quiet quitting that we
(13:29):
really wanted to break down foryou.
Yeah.
But one of the big things iseven around, say the coffee
issue where I didn't make ofthat coffee that day is one of
the things that could beconstrued or be an issue is that
you actually end up talking lessand less to each other, which is
interesting cuz you talked to meabout the coffee and I still
missed mm-hmm.
So what would the difference beif you weren't talking to.
And you had expectations and Ican't fulfill them because you
(13:52):
can't because we're talking lessand less.
Natalie (13:54):
Yep.
Right, right.
I'd be right.
Angry and honestly, right.
There have been many times ofthe course of our marriage where
we fall in into that trap of,well, you should know how many
times do I have to tell you,right?
Oh yeah.
Right.
That I don't like the toiletseat up, or I don't like this,
or I don't like that.
Right.
Bryan (14:13):
Whatever, whatever.
Insert your own Exactly.
Thing in your own relationship,whatever it is.
And so the,
Natalie (14:18):
the, the communication doesn't stop because you've
mentioned it once or twice or 15
Bryan (14:22):
times.
Like Yeah, like a healthy, ahealthy communication isn't
necessarily about repeating theissue over and over.
Like that can get annoying ifit's done and you're nagging,
which you're not much of an aganymore.
I didn't wanna say that onerror.
I
Natalie (14:39):
have no problem.
I can own my baggage.
And I wanted
Bryan (14:43):
you to own it.
I didn't wanna
Natalie (14:44):
own it for you.
The, the nagging when we breakit down is just me or whoever
trying to manipulate the resultto go in their favor, trying to
Bryan (14:53):
make me feel guilty.
Now, every, okay, like the,here, here's a funny, one of
those things.
Like every guy has experiencedthe, Hey, can you take out the
garbage?
And you said, yeah.
And not seven seconds.
The wife has taken out thegarbage cuz you didn't move fast
enough.
Every guy has done that.
Yes.
Experienced that.
That's right.
Of some kind of, right.
(15:13):
That's right.
But, and that's frustrating, butthat's not nagging.
That's just you not beingpatient for the husband
Natalie (15:19):
to move.
That's right.
I, but also, and I've done that
Bryan (15:23):
as much as we don't wanna go there, so that we are going
there.
No, no, no.
Like it, it happens and, butthat nagging is when you're
like, what you said you'retrying to manipulate them into.
So here's the thing, if you'regetting result,
Natalie (15:37):
I want without
Bryan (15:37):
actually, but here's the thing.
If you're not talking andcommunicating your way through
things in a healthy.
Then nagging oftentimes is theonly thing that you hear.
That's right.
So if I don't have arelationship with you and, and
we're talking through whatever,like, and light things, like,
hey, doing the laundry.
And you tell me for whatever,whatever small thing it is, and
(16:00):
the only thing I hear from youis we didn't talk about my day.
We didn't talk about whathappened, what happened to the
car, did you put gas?
We didn't talk about any ofthat.
We're talking less and less andless.
And then when you ask me to dosomething, it just sounds like
nagging.
That's right.
Because you're, the only thingyou're hearing sometimes at that
point is you're filtering,filtering everything through a
negative view or a negativeperspective.
Yes.
Because there's no you, you'veactually neglected the
(16:22):
relationship and a huge part ofany good relationship is
communi.
Natalie (16:26):
That's right.
And I've done it.
I've done it.
Where you've gone above andbeyond my ask or my expectation,
and I've come home and the onlything I can be fixated on is the
thing you didn't
Bryan (16:37):
do.
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember the vanincident?
Mm.
Came back on a plane.
I came back on a plane.
So you, you went away on a trip?
I don't know what it was.
One of the few times.
It was funny.
You went away and I think it'sin those moments I realized that
you do most of the childcare andthen you go away for a week and
I'm like, I gotta
Natalie (16:56):
look after my, what happened to the van?
Refresh
Bryan (16:58):
my memory.
So I, I remember this because weended up getting in a fight for
it for like a day.
I was choked because you said,Hey, before leave I want you to
clean the van.
And you'd said it over and overcuz we were not in a healthy
place And you said, Hey, I wantyou to clean the van.
And I cleaned the van, but justnot the way you liked.
It was done well.
Oh but it doesn't, wasn't donethe way you want it and you ime
like not even a hey, like yougave me a hug.
(17:20):
We got to the van and youlaunched in immediately into, I
hate this.
This wasn't good enough.
I was, I remember choked in themoment cuz I'm like, I spent
time on this with the kids inthe back playing vacuuming,
washing.
Yeah.
And I still had stuff in thecenter console that we were
like, I dunno, eight years,seven years married and still
working through some of ourissues.
Yep.
Some of the issues.
(17:40):
And you were just so frustrated.
And that was because we hadn'tbeen working at communicating
well,
Natalie (17:47):
No, and I didn't.
I don't know.
At that
Bryan (17:51):
time you said clean it, you didn't communicate.
This is such an easy thing.
Exactly.
You said
Natalie (17:54):
clean it.
But my expectations at thatpoint too were so ridiculously.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Out of this universe, They weresilly.
Bryan (18:02):
They were.
They were.
But you just said clean it and Icleaned it.
Yeah.
Just not the way you wanted itto be cleaned.
Natalie (18:07):
Exactly.
And so this is a prime exampleof something so.
I mean, in hindsight, reallysilly, but in the moment was
catastrophic in my
Bryan (18:21):
own mind.
Well, and it's interesting, likeeven as we, we were, we were
talking about this, there's somuch about quiet quitting, like
the, the idea of just quietlyquitting and the relationship
that has to do with you starttaking out the, the key.
Day in, day out, connectingpieces that actually hold the
relationship in place, that,that actually act like the glue,
(18:45):
which is the, the communicationpiece.
But you're not talking aboutthese things, but if you quit on
your relationship, which is justa symptom of greater issues, but
you're quitting on therelationship mm-hmm.
and you're talking about lessthings, it's like, it's like
pulling.
Have you ever seen Jen?
Yes.
Yeah.
You're just slowly pullingpieces out of this tower, hoping
it doesn't crash, hoping that itdoesn't crash and fall, crash
and burn because you're notcommunicating way through.
(19:07):
Instead of putting pieces backin, you're pulling them out
every time you, it's another daywithout communicating.
It's another hour withoutcommunicating.
It's another month withoutcommunicating.
You're just adding more and morelike fuel to the fire
Natalie (19:18):
almost.
The bottom line is you need tobe able to identify, discuss,
and resolve issues.
Right?
That right there is like themagic formula,
Bryan (19:30):
right?
Yeah.
If there was a magic formula to
Natalie (19:31):
marriage, right, or to communication, right?
That would be it.
You need to identify, and it'snot just pointing the finger at
your spouse, right?
For all of their faults, itreally.
introspectively looking at you,right?
Identifying within you what iswrong, what your contribution is
to relationship, discussing andresolving, coming to a solution
(19:53):
together, you're coming to anunderstanding, right?
This isn't a competition of
Bryan (19:58):
who's right.
And the, the thing about unityand marriage is because we're
believers and.
Have really good healthy Biblerelationship.
We have good relationship withGod.
God says very much so.
To fight for the marriage.
To fight for unity.
Yeah,
Natalie (20:12):
unity.
That's where the, the blessingis commanded.
Right.
Bryan (20:16):
But unity doesn't mean uniformity.
Unity, right.
Not mean uniformity.
That's right.
Doesn't mean that we agree oneverything.
It just means that we're workingfor the same goal going forward.
And you can't know what the samegoal is if you're talking less
and less.
That's
Natalie (20:30):
right.
Right.
And.
You, you're probably wonderlike, well, how can we, you
know, how can we give ussomething a, a tool?
I mean, we live in a day and agewhere, you know, tech and media
doesn't have to be adisadvantage.
I very much appreciate that wecan.
(20:53):
Connect much easier than it waswhen we were teenagers, when
everything was, I had to callyou on a land.
That's how old, how
Bryan (21:00):
ridiculous.
That's how old we are.
Is that mom had a a touchstonephone, boop.
Yeah.
Attached to the wall that wasnot cellular.
Natalie (21:08):
And if you left the house and something happened,
you never knew about it.
No.
Unless you had a pager.
Right.
Or an answering machine.
If that was even a thing at thatpoint.
Right.
Yeah.
Answering machines.
Yep.
That's how old we are guys.
We make it a point to text andcommunicate, and I have the
privilege of working literallydown the hall from you.
So during the day, yeah, I willpop in your office and and
(21:31):
whatnot.
But even before that, ourphones, we text, we communicate,
we call throughout the.
And not excessively.
Listen
Bryan (21:44):
that not well.
No.
Right?
The only time I don't reallyrespond to a one or 32nd phone
calls if I'm in meetings or,
Natalie (21:50):
yeah.
But you always communicate, Hey,can't talk or call in a minute,
or whatever.
Right.
You communicate that you're inthe middle of some, this is not
like every five seconds.
This is just, you know, it soundlike lunchtime.
I know.
And hey, if that works for you,by all means.
This is just like we have ourcheckpoints during the day that
(22:10):
we check in with each other.
So that, and we were justtalking about this, if there was
ever a lapse in thatcommunication, this is a norm
that we've established.
Mm-hmm.
for us in our relationship.
We communicate all the time.
We communicate with our kids, wecommunicate with each other.
(22:31):
They hear us communicating.
All the time.
Right.
So if there was ever a period oftime where that wasn't
happening, that would send a redflag up in my mind of
something's not right.
Right, because this is a routinethat we've established, and you
can't know if there's somethingamiss.
If everything in yourrelationship is disorganized,
(22:52):
everything in your relationshipis up in the air.
We just w we just wing it as wego.
There is no established pattern,right?
So maybe this is a time whereyou in your relationship can
establish a normal, healthypattern so that you are all the
more wise.
Alerted to the fact if somethingis wrong,
Bryan (23:14):
right?
And.
Natalie (23:17):
and we're not saying, oh my goodness, you missed one
time to answer me.
You are obviously quietlyquitting.
No, no, no.
This is a pattern over time.
Yeah.
Bryan (23:24):
Over time it's, it's like even, it's like when we're not
keeping in contact, are youquietly quitting?
And it's not just one day, ityou're not wrong.
It's one time we, we missed it.
We didn't communicate and Oh,these and consumed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But well, if you're living inthe same house, the same bed
driving the same car, eating thesame dinners, and you're not
communicating through thosethings, We're just saying pay
attention to look at yourrelationship.
(23:45):
It's very hard.
It's hard to come back fromthat.
But not impossible.
You have to really want it.
Both of you have to really wantit.
Exactly.
Which kind of lends into thenext one.
Which if you're talking less andless, it also can indicate that
you're losing interest in yourYep.
In your partner, in your spouse,in them, and who they are.
Checking in on a good day,that's so
Natalie (24:06):
important.
It's really even checking in,you know, if we've left and.
Had a disagreement, one.
If not both will always check inregardless of of where they feel
they stand.
Right?
I'm right or I am not.
We, we generally make an effortto communicate right.
(24:29):
I hope you
Bryan (24:30):
got to work.
Yeah.
Well, especially like there'sadverse winter conditions or, or
things like that.
We just communicate safety andthings like that.
I don't wanna have to worryabout things like that.
But checking is in is important.
Not just one of you, but both ofyou.
Checking it and just seeingwhat's going on and even sitting
down like, Hey, let's talk aboutour relationship.
Like Natalie does this all thetime to me, sometimes at the
(24:52):
worst times, like 10 30 atnight, let's talk about the
future.
I'm like, I don't have theenergy to talk about the future.
You've seen memes on this.
I should put memes on theInstagram page, but this is a
real struggle.
Like I'm almost asleep and she'slike, wanna talk about the house
that we want to buy?
I'm like, I don't have theenergy to think about the house
that I want to buy.
It's, it's a real thing.
What she's showing is that she'sstill interested in me in the
(25:14):
future.
That's right.
And she's not, she's stillcommunicating with me about
those things, and she wants toknow what are we gonna do?
Then we pray about it, and thenwe do devotions, and then we
communicate those things withour friends that are really
close to us.
And so I also, like, she updatesme on her date.
She, in my opinion, has one ofthe most boring jobs on the face
of the earth, but she loves it.
(25:35):
Which
Natalie (25:35):
job?
Hr.
Oh, Yes.
I love hr.
I am great.
You love p.
Task administrative, and itdrives me crazy.
Its me joy.
It brings me
Bryan (25:45):
joy.
Here's, here's where a momentcan happen in your relationship.
I listen to her when she tellsme about the things that she's
learning and the things thatshe's doing.
I don't like hr, I don't reallycare to know about the paperwork
that she pushed but I love herand so I'm gonna sit and listen
and sometimes pretend that I'minterested, truthfully be, and
(26:06):
she does the same thing when I,I can always tell when she's,
we're sitting there like, Hey,look at this guitar.
And she looks at them and she'slike, ah.
Yeah.
Cool.
And then she looks back to thewhatever she's doing, reading
or, and she's like, yeah, youdon't care.
She's like, Nope, not really.
We're at that stage in ourrelationship where we can just
say, no, I don't care aboutthat.
I love you, but I don't care
Natalie (26:23):
about that.
But Right.
I love that.
You care
Bryan (26:24):
about that.
Yeah.
And that's the thing, I lovethat you care about your
Natalie (26:27):
job.
That's good.
And, and honestly, there areonly so many electric guitars.
They all begin to look the same.
They do
Bryan (26:32):
not look the same Me after
Natalie (26:34):
oldest that I can just, my middle son.
All of my energy into, I neverget the names right.
I'm always like, that is a greatLes Paul.
No, that was a whatever
Bryan (26:45):
offender.
I dunno how you get to mixed'emup.
They don't look the same C whatI'm telling you.
So she, she tries at least.
There
Natalie (26:51):
you go.
Bryan (26:52):
Cause you're not losing interest.
You care about the things that
Natalie (26:55):
I care about.
I'm effort.
I do care about the things that,no, no.
Do I wanna spend five hours ofmy Saturday in a music store
looking at guitars?
No.
Have I.
because it matters to you.
Oh, yeah.
And, and, right.
Those are your interests.
And we've, we've established acompromise in that way.
(27:16):
It's not only about you goingand doing everything I wanna do,
there is a compromise wheresometimes, For the greater mint.
Greater mint, I don't know,greater betterment, I don't
know.
Whatever
Bryan (27:29):
the greater, see, this is where she makes up words greater
Natalie (27:32):
mint, the greater min of our relationship.
For me to just be like, is itthe end of the world for me to
spend maybe not five hours?
Can we do like 30 minutes?
Guess what we're doing thisafternoon?
Right.
Notice I didn't answer.
That was, that was well done,well done.
Of compromising on a timeline.
Right.
Hey, I can't commit to fivehours in here, but I will, I'm
(27:54):
willing to give you 30 minutes.
Bryan (27:56):
So the, the not talking and communicating less can
indicate that you have, you'relosing an interest.
So those are two points that wewant to get to today.
You're losing interest and theway, Natalie, if I was to ask
you, how, how do we, what aretools that we can use to make
this better?
Like how, how do.
Natalie (28:15):
For like, not losing interest.
Bryan (28:17):
Well, not losing interest, but talking if you're
already in a, in a, if you'realready in a holding pattern of
we're not, we're not improvingthe relationship and we're not
really communicating with eachother already.
How do we get better?
I can, I, can I say the firstone?
Sure.
You have to eat your pride andjust be the first one to text
and just make a habit Yes.
Of communicating and if change,change your narrative.
(28:37):
Yes.
You don't, you don't like whereit is.
You don't like what you're,you're reaping.
You have to change what you'resewing
Natalie (28:42):
maybe.
and I've had to do this and thisis when you're trying to make a
better way and trying to forge adifferent narrative.
Sometimes it's really painfuland for you to say, Hey, I love,
can we talk?
Like I love to have like ameeting, but wouldn't it be such
(29:05):
a surprise to your partner ifyou led with, this is something
about me that I really don'tlike.
And I am sorry that I've placedX, Y, and Z expectations on you,
right?
If you led a conversation, trustme, you will be surprised at how
that is.
(29:25):
Received, reciprocated andreceived.
Yeah.
Where you're not coming in thething going.
You, you, you are doing this andI don't like it.
No.
How about I have noticed aboutmyself or I've been thinking
about it and I really I've kindof dropped the ball in this area
and I'm sorry.
Mm-hmm.
can we like, work together tofind that's solution that's,
yeah.
Start.
Bryan (29:46):
Absolutely.
That's a really good one tostart with.
So the two things that we talkedabout today, if you're noticing
in yourself or your partner, areyou talking less and less?
You're not communicating the wayyou used to.
That's right.
And it's been a pattern, notjust like, Hey, I missed a
couple days cause I worked longhours, or things were going on,
or the kids were busy, had to gofrom place to place.
Talking like, your pattern is,you guys just don't communicate
(30:06):
issues whenever you're alone.
You're just talking about yournothing.
That kind of thing.
And then the other one was, areyou losing interest in each
other?
And one can lead to the other.
That's
Natalie (30:15):
right.
And like, and it's not justlike, this is the number one,
this is the number two.
No, they're all interchangeable.
Yeah.
These
Bryan (30:19):
are all, and the next ones that we have coming up next
week are really, really great.
And they all work together on,in this particular issue.
And so, hey, we reallyappreciate you.
Hanging with us, like I said,and if you didn't have a chance,
we did a We Are Back, shortlittle episode just to let you
know what our plans are for thefuture, where we've been for the
last little while.
So we know that you love thepodcast.
(30:40):
We appreciate you loving thepodcast.
We love you guys.
So if it means does mean a lotwhen you share it with your
friends.
You let people know that we havea podcast and we hope that
you're finding value in this.
That's the greatest thing.
Is it?
If you find value and it makesyour marriage better, that's
what we want.
Absolutely.
So you can follow us onInstagram and on Facebook.
If you have any questions or youhave an idea or you just
(31:02):
straight up disagree with whatwe have here, we'd love to have
a conversation, a discourse, andmaybe if that's something that
you disagree with and you wannabring a different perspective,
we'd love to maybe even have youon the podcast.
Mm-hmm.
But you can emailus@amplifiedmarriagegmail.com or
you can DM us on Instagram andFacebook and you hear us.
Every single time, and webelieve this with every fiber of
(31:24):
our being because it's been truefor us.
We believe that your marriagecan be reset, refreshed,
recharged, and restored.
Thanks
Natalie (31:31):
so much for listening.
Bryan (31:31):
Talk to you soon.
Welcome to the Amplified Marriage Podcast.
This is a bit different.
We're starting a little bitdifferent when you're talking
about quiet quitting today.
And we're gonna be talking aboutsome signs that you or your
partner, your spouse, yourboyfriend, your girlfriend, are
actually quietly quitting oneach other, not giving the
relationship and opportunity bynot putting in the right amount
(00:22):
of effort.
And so today we just wannastart.
This whole new season with abang and go into something
that's a real, it's a trendright now in our current
culture.
Natalie (00:48):
Welcome to another episode of Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
I'm Brian.
Wherever you are, whateveryou're doing, you've heard us
say over the last two seasonsonto our third.
Now get comfy, grab a coffee,grab a tea, grab a snack.
We're so glad that you've joinedus for our chat today.
Bryan (01:05):
Absolutely.
And as you heard, we are talkingabout quiet, quitting.
Natalie (01:10):
Mm-hmm.
seems to be this, this new term,flying around made super popular
by TikTok.
Bryan (01:16):
Well, I think that even in, in previous episodes, Today
we're talking a lot about, isreally just about communication.
It, it's essentially,essentially it's about
communication, but we're lookingat it a bit differently, kind of
around the interest was sparkedin us with the, the current
TikTok trends.
We, we, we get.
bombarded on Instagram andFacebook by these people that
(01:38):
are quietly quitting.
Mm-hmm.
This, it's funny how everyone'slike, oh, this is a new trend.
This has been around for such along time.
That's right.
And we, we've touched on sort ofslow fade Yeah.
In our earlier seasons where itwas, you know, we briefly
touched on that.
Yeah.
So we're kind of diving deep cuzit seems to be what's really
floating out.
And you know, if you heard thatold saying, I was thinking about
(02:02):
that when we were prepping, isthat old saying, dress for the
job that you want.
I remember when I startedworking at Shaw years ago,
that's one of the, the firstthings they said, dress for the
job that you want.
Mm-hmm.
And I kind of had this attitude,well, or this thought, well
we're, we're getting ready forthis podcast, but it was like,
behave or act or fight for themarriage that you want.
(02:23):
That's right.
And you don't have to settlesometimes for the marriage that.
Natalie (02:27):
Exactly, and, and that's not, leave your partner
or leave your spouse.
That's just saying you mighthave to change your approach.
Right.
You might have to change yourtactics.
Right.
Bryan (02:37):
And even though quiet quitting is is so much centered
around a job like it, it'sreally
Natalie (02:43):
central job.
It kind of came from.
Bryan (02:45):
Yeah.
And that's kind of where we evengot triggered for this and doing
some research there's actually alot out there on quietly
quitting in relationships, butit's not a new concept.
No, and I'm going to usesomething that we probably have
never done before.
I'm going to use a Homer Simpsonquote that this was something
that was said in 1995, HomerSimpson on the Simpsons said to
Lisa,"Lisa, if you don't likeyour job, you don't strike.
(03:07):
You just go in every day and youdo it really half-assed.
That's the American way".
Natalie (03:11):
How Applicable?
When you think of the amount ofeffort, I mean, they're talking
about a job perspective, but ifwe flip that to a relationship
standpoint, right.
Effective is that quote tosaying, if you just don't like
what you do, you don't justleave, you can just get by doing
the bare minimum.
(03:32):
And so many couples that we knowget by on doing the bare minimum
Bryan (03:37):
and bare minimum, I think is the, the, like the, I like
the ideal word for this wholequietly quitting.
Like we, I, I, I really lovethis message.
It's actually a scripture.
It's a, or it's a verse or aBible term that I will use.
I'm a pastor, so you get some ofthat.
Today is we have this thing thatI say, if you don't like what
(03:58):
you're reaping, you have tochange what you're sowing.
Mm-hmm.
In other words, if you don'tlike what's happening in your
marriage, if you don't like theway you communicate, the way you
process information, the way youdeal with your emotions, the way
you fight, even the way.
Any of that, you have to changeyour approach.
So if you're not getting whatyou want outta the relationship,
you have to put in the work onyour side, be accountable for
(04:20):
you.
Yep.
To make the relationship better.
Right.
Exactly.
And it's not, I mean, if you canrecognize within yourself, Hey,
I don't.
I don't like this or thisbothers me or whatever, but then
not say anything and notarticulate.
Right?
How are you expecting anythingto change, right?
Like the definition of insanityis doing the same thing over and
over and over again expecting adifferent result, right?
(04:41):
You're going to.
Drive yourself nuts and drivethose around you and your
partner if you continually dothe same thing that isn't
working over and over again,right?
We've said so many times, youknow what you know, and so
hopefully this can at leastspark a conversation, right?
Or, or you even, you, you almostwork yourself or drive yourself
(05:05):
to a standstill because you'retrying to do the bare minimum
and you're, you're expecting theother person to change before.
Exactly it.
Work on yourself and when youstart to work on the areas that
you are lacking in, or Frank,like you kind of suck in, then
you are.
(05:25):
I mean it, this was our storywhen I stopped basing the change
of our relationship based onwhen you finally got it
together, and, and reallystarted.
introspectively.
Look at myself and my failuresand my contribution to the
dissolving, you know,communication in our marriage.
(05:45):
Right.
Things began to change withinme.
Yeah.
Because I began to see the heirsof my way right.
And began to work on myself.
And and really, I mean, it's a.
Right.
You have to choose to want to bein the relationship with that
person.
And if you're not making thatchoice, and we've been together
(06:06):
almost till 24 years, we stillhave have to make that choice.
Wow.
Right.
You, you get up and you don'tget up.
you still make the choice tostay committed to, to loving
your spouse, to, you know, youget up every day, you go to
work, you take your kids toschool, whatnot.
(06:27):
Yeah.
It's the same concept, right?
It just doesn't magically happenover the years if you are not
willing to put in the work.
Right.
And I think that, that sayingit's a hundred percent, a
hundred percent, not 50 50.
Like, I'm gonna put in 50%,you're gonna put in 50% of the
work and then we'll make a magica hundred.
Yeah.
No, it's, we both have to put ahundred over a hundred as much
(06:50):
as we can into the relationship.
And that's why it's such a trendlike that.
Even when we were doing someresearch into this, you had.
One of the articles, I think itwas from the New York Post, was
saying there was a relationshipand someone,
Natalie (07:03):
oh, yeah.
Okay.
You've heard us.
If you've been with us since thebeginning, you've heard our
whole toilet seat debacle.
I, it's not a debacle,
Bryan (07:12):
it's a truth.
I think you need to keep it upfor me a little bit more
Natalie (07:14):
often.
Thank you.
I don't like the toilet seatbeing left up because I like it
up because I've fallen in toomany times.
Right.
So it, it, you get my point.
Well, In this new trend that iscoming, this woman was
expressing her displeasure withthis toilet seat being up all
(07:34):
the time.
And the New York Post commentedthat the what's the word I'm
looking for?
The advice that she was givenwas to divorce her husband
because he, the toilet seat up.
Let that sink in if that's whatit takes.
For you to end your marriage, isthe person leaving the toilet
seat up?
I mean, my husband still leavesthe toilet seat up.
(07:55):
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bryan (07:57):
It's like almost 10% better than it was 20 years ago.
Natalie (08:01):
I guess 10% is better than no percent, but
Bryan (08:05):
can we at least go with 15%?
We'll, we'll
Natalie (08:07):
stick with 10, but wow.
Wow.
The point being I had to make achoice.
Is this a hill?
I'm willing to.
For a long
Bryan (08:16):
time you were willing to die on that hill.
I was
Natalie (08:17):
willing to die on that hill It.
But when, when you're coming to,is this worth the end of him a
marriage because he leaves thetoilet seat up?
Like there could be so manyworse things
Bryan (08:29):
when you're in a bit of a sassy mood.
There's been times where I'll bein the bathroom and you'll text
me, put the toilet seat down.
Just cracking a joke.
Natalie (08:38):
That's right.
I mean, we joke about it nowbecause now it's kind of like,
you know,
Bryan (08:42):
It's way, it's not 10%, it's way better than it was.
Like, I,
Natalie (08:47):
whatever helps you sleep at, if
Bryan (08:49):
you guys could see her face right now and the way she's
trying to keep it fromcontorting into just a face of
lies and she's just like, you'resuch a liar.
Natalie (08:58):
The point is that is not grounds for divorce and it's
really, really, reallyunfortunate.
If that is the advice that isfloating around out there.
Well, that and
Bryan (09:08):
the part of the, the quiet quitting issue in
relationships.
If you don't have the right andwe should, if you don't have the
right friends and family aroundyou that are for you and your
marriage right, you need tochuck them.
And it sounds really harsh, butyou need people that are for
you.
Cuz marriage is hard enough.
Yeah.
When you have friends and familythat are supporting you and
walking you through lifetogether.
Exactly.
But marriage is even harder whenyou don't have that.
(09:30):
And you have toxic friends thatare saying, well, he left a
toilet.
Divorce him, he left his sockson the floor.
Divorce him.
Yep.
Or, or she didn't buy the milkthat you wanted or prepared the
dinner that you wanted, like getdivorced.
Like there's, you should bewilling 100% all the time to be
able to fight through almostanything in a relationship.
Right.
And we believe, like you, one ofour, our lines that we say the
(09:51):
most is we believe that marriagecan be restored.
You want to have a goodmarriage, so into your
relationship.
Like the reason Natalie and Ihave a, a, a good marriage.
Now that's not perfect.
Believe you me, she is notperfect.
I will tell you guys, she,anyway, we won't go there but.
To fight for that marriage.
If we wouldn't have fought forit, we wouldn't be where we are
now.
(10:11):
That's right.
And we have to keep waking upevery day and fighting for the
relationship.
Don't quit just because thingsget hard, like come on.
Natalie (10:17):
Exactly.
And I was saying to Brian, onecould assume.
That we've been together for along time, right?
We've been married for 21 and ahalf years.
One could assume that you cananticipate my every need, my
every desire, my every thought,and, and on.
Some things you really cananticipate.
Bryan (10:38):
I'm glad that there was some things there cuz I'm like
one could assume those thingsand be wrong.
Right?
Natalie (10:42):
And, and there's still a lot.
That is the wrong thoughtprocess because I still have to
communicate.
You are not a mind reader andwhy?
Yes, you can still anticipatebecause of my mannerisms or my
idiosyncrasies or the thingsthat I've already expressed that
I enjoy.
(11:03):
One of those is I enjoy myhusband making coffee before I
go to bed so that I can wake upearly with it ready for
Bryan (11:12):
me.
Did you bring this up becauserecently.
I did not make one one night.
No.
I was
Natalie (11:17):
so sad, but
Bryan (11:19):
okay.
No, no, no.
Is not, no, no, no, no, no.
We need to have a moment herewhen I need to inform our people
that listen to this of thesilliness of what's about what
happens if I miss coffee, whichis rare.
It's very rare.
I need you to acknowledge therareness.
Yes.
Natalie (11:35):
I'm, I'm acknowledging this is not a toilet seat
problem.
Bryan (11:37):
Rare.
This is very rare when I missedthe coffee, but like three
nights ago, I missed the coffee.
I was really tired.
I stayed up.
Way too late for me and I endedup going to bed, not making
coffee.
Didn't even cross my mind.
And she even said, Hey Brian,can you remember to make coffee?
He said, yeah, I got it.
When do I ever miss smarty pantson me?
I make the coffee.
But what's funny is, If shewouldn't have made coffee for
(11:58):
me, I would get up in themorning and I would just make a
pot of coffee.
No, she sits in her sadnessdoing her devotions at six in
the morning till about seven orseven 30 when I get up and then
looks at me, never reallyangrily and stares at me and
said, you didn't make me coffee.
Dead in the eyes.
dead pan.
You didn't make me coffee.
With a little tear that dribblesdown the side of her face, And
(12:20):
my immediate response is, I'msorry.
You're right.
I forgot.
Why didn't you make your own potof coffee?
Well, cuz you didn't do it.
I'm like, I don't understand thewords that you're saying.
That's
Natalie (12:29):
right.
The bottom line is you havespoiled me and it's not worth
being awake if there's no coffeewaiting for me.
And oftentimes I will go rightback to bed.
That's very true.
But saying back to our point ofstill have to communicate, you
can anticipate that we'll usecoffee as an example.
You can anticipate that.
(12:51):
Love and enjoy and appreciatethe fact that you make me my
coffee the night before.
I still have to communicatethough.
Please don't forget to make thecoffee because on, and even with
that communication, it's still,there are still misses.
Right.
And that's what we're saying.
Bryan (13:07):
And, but that's where a healthy communication in the
relationship.
Absolutely where, where thatactually makes a big difference
in how we're going to approachthe relationship and that that's
important.
And so it's, it's interestinghow.
one of the, we're gonna get intosome of the reasons.
We have a two, three episodesworth of quiet quitting that we
(13:29):
really wanted to break down foryou.
Yeah.
But one of the big things iseven around, say the coffee
issue where I didn't make ofthat coffee that day is one of
the things that could beconstrued or be an issue is that
you actually end up talking lessand less to each other, which is
interesting cuz you talked to meabout the coffee and I still
missed mm-hmm.
So what would the difference beif you weren't talking to.
And you had expectations and Ican't fulfill them because you
(13:52):
can't because we're talking lessand less.
Natalie (13:54):
Yep.
Right, right.
I'd be right.
Angry and honestly, right.
There have been many times ofthe course of our marriage where
we fall in into that trap of,well, you should know how many
times do I have to tell you,right?
Oh yeah.
Right.
That I don't like the toiletseat up, or I don't like this,
or I don't like that.
Right.
Bryan (14:13):
Whatever, whatever.
Insert your own Exactly.
Thing in your own relationship,whatever it is.
And so the,
Natalie (14:18):
the, the communication doesn't stop because you've
mentioned it once or twice or 15
Bryan (14:22):
times.
Like Yeah, like a healthy, ahealthy communication isn't
necessarily about repeating theissue over and over.
Like that can get annoying ifit's done and you're nagging,
which you're not much of an aganymore.
I didn't wanna say that onerror.
I
Natalie (14:39):
have no problem.
I can own my baggage.
And I wanted
Bryan (14:43):
you to own it.
I didn't wanna
Natalie (14:44):
own it for you.
The, the nagging when we breakit down is just me or whoever
trying to manipulate the resultto go in their favor, trying to
Bryan (14:53):
make me feel guilty.
Now, every, okay, like the,here, here's a funny, one of
those things.
Like every guy has experiencedthe, Hey, can you take out the
garbage?
And you said, yeah.
And not seven seconds.
The wife has taken out thegarbage cuz you didn't move fast
enough.
Every guy has done that.
Yes.
Experienced that.
That's right.
Of some kind of, right.
(15:13):
That's right.
But, and that's frustrating, butthat's not nagging.
That's just you not beingpatient for the husband
Natalie (15:19):
to move.
That's right.
I, but also, and I've done that
Bryan (15:23):
as much as we don't wanna go there, so that we are going
there.
No, no, no.
Like it, it happens and, butthat nagging is when you're
like, what you said you'retrying to manipulate them into.
So here's the thing, if you'regetting result,
Natalie (15:37):
I want without
Bryan (15:37):
actually, but here's the thing.
If you're not talking andcommunicating your way through
things in a healthy.
Then nagging oftentimes is theonly thing that you hear.
That's right.
So if I don't have arelationship with you and, and
we're talking through whatever,like, and light things, like,
hey, doing the laundry.
And you tell me for whatever,whatever small thing it is, and
(16:00):
the only thing I hear from youis we didn't talk about my day.
We didn't talk about whathappened, what happened to the
car, did you put gas?
We didn't talk about any ofthat.
We're talking less and less andless.
And then when you ask me to dosomething, it just sounds like
nagging.
That's right.
Because you're, the only thingyou're hearing sometimes at that
point is you're filtering,filtering everything through a
negative view or a negativeperspective.
Yes.
Because there's no you, you'veactually neglected the
(16:22):
relationship and a huge part ofany good relationship is
communi.
Natalie (16:26):
That's right.
And I've done it.
I've done it.
Where you've gone above andbeyond my ask or my expectation,
and I've come home and the onlything I can be fixated on is the
thing you didn't
Bryan (16:37):
do.
Oh, yeah.
Do you remember the vanincident?
Mm.
Came back on a plane.
I came back on a plane.
So you, you went away on a trip?
I don't know what it was.
One of the few times.
It was funny.
You went away and I think it'sin those moments I realized that
you do most of the childcare andthen you go away for a week and
I'm like, I gotta
Natalie (16:56):
look after my, what happened to the van?
Refresh
Bryan (16:58):
my memory.
So I, I remember this because weended up getting in a fight for
it for like a day.
I was choked because you said,Hey, before leave I want you to
clean the van.
And you'd said it over and overcuz we were not in a healthy
place And you said, Hey, I wantyou to clean the van.
And I cleaned the van, but justnot the way you liked.
It was done well.
Oh but it doesn't, wasn't donethe way you want it and you ime
like not even a hey, like yougave me a hug.
(17:20):
We got to the van and youlaunched in immediately into, I
hate this.
This wasn't good enough.
I was, I remember choked in themoment cuz I'm like, I spent
time on this with the kids inthe back playing vacuuming,
washing.
Yeah.
And I still had stuff in thecenter console that we were
like, I dunno, eight years,seven years married and still
working through some of ourissues.
Yep.
Some of the issues.
(17:40):
And you were just so frustrated.
And that was because we hadn'tbeen working at communicating
well,
Natalie (17:47):
No, and I didn't.
I don't know.
At that
Bryan (17:51):
time you said clean it, you didn't communicate.
This is such an easy thing.
Exactly.
You said
Natalie (17:54):
clean it.
But my expectations at thatpoint too were so ridiculously.
Oh yeah, yeah.
Out of this universe, They weresilly.
Bryan (18:02):
They were.
They were.
But you just said clean it and Icleaned it.
Yeah.
Just not the way you wanted itto be cleaned.
Natalie (18:07):
Exactly.
And so this is a prime exampleof something so.
I mean, in hindsight, reallysilly, but in the moment was
catastrophic in my
Bryan (18:21):
own mind.
Well, and it's interesting, likeeven as we, we were, we were
talking about this, there's somuch about quiet quitting, like
the, the idea of just quietlyquitting and the relationship
that has to do with you starttaking out the, the key.
Day in, day out, connectingpieces that actually hold the
relationship in place, that,that actually act like the glue,
(18:45):
which is the, the communicationpiece.
But you're not talking aboutthese things, but if you quit on
your relationship, which is justa symptom of greater issues, but
you're quitting on therelationship mm-hmm.
and you're talking about lessthings, it's like, it's like
pulling.
Have you ever seen Jen?
Yes.
Yeah.
You're just slowly pullingpieces out of this tower, hoping
it doesn't crash, hoping that itdoesn't crash and fall, crash
and burn because you're notcommunicating way through.
(19:07):
Instead of putting pieces backin, you're pulling them out
every time you, it's another daywithout communicating.
It's another hour withoutcommunicating.
It's another month withoutcommunicating.
You're just adding more and morelike fuel to the fire
Natalie (19:18):
almost.
The bottom line is you need tobe able to identify, discuss,
and resolve issues.
Right?
That right there is like themagic formula,
Bryan (19:30):
right?
Yeah.
If there was a magic formula to
Natalie (19:31):
marriage, right, or to communication, right?
That would be it.
You need to identify, and it'snot just pointing the finger at
your spouse, right?
For all of their faults, itreally.
introspectively looking at you,right?
Identifying within you what iswrong, what your contribution is
to relationship, discussing andresolving, coming to a solution
(19:53):
together, you're coming to anunderstanding, right?
This isn't a competition of
Bryan (19:58):
who's right.
And the, the thing about unityand marriage is because we're
believers and.
Have really good healthy Biblerelationship.
We have good relationship withGod.
God says very much so.
To fight for the marriage.
To fight for unity.
Yeah,
Natalie (20:12):
unity.
That's where the, the blessingis commanded.
Right.
Bryan (20:16):
But unity doesn't mean uniformity.
Unity, right.
Not mean uniformity.
That's right.
Doesn't mean that we agree oneverything.
It just means that we're workingfor the same goal going forward.
And you can't know what the samegoal is if you're talking less
and less.
That's
Natalie (20:30):
right.
Right.
And.
You, you're probably wonderlike, well, how can we, you
know, how can we give ussomething a, a tool?
I mean, we live in a day and agewhere, you know, tech and media
doesn't have to be adisadvantage.
I very much appreciate that wecan.
(20:53):
Connect much easier than it waswhen we were teenagers, when
everything was, I had to callyou on a land.
That's how old, how
Bryan (21:00):
ridiculous.
That's how old we are.
Is that mom had a a touchstonephone, boop.
Yeah.
Attached to the wall that wasnot cellular.
Natalie (21:08):
And if you left the house and something happened,
you never knew about it.
No.
Unless you had a pager.
Right.
Or an answering machine.
If that was even a thing at thatpoint.
Right.
Yeah.
Answering machines.
Yep.
That's how old we are guys.
We make it a point to text andcommunicate, and I have the
privilege of working literallydown the hall from you.
So during the day, yeah, I willpop in your office and and
(21:31):
whatnot.
But even before that, ourphones, we text, we communicate,
we call throughout the.
And not excessively.
Listen
Bryan (21:44):
that not well.
No.
Right?
The only time I don't reallyrespond to a one or 32nd phone
calls if I'm in meetings or,
Natalie (21:50):
yeah.
But you always communicate, Hey,can't talk or call in a minute,
or whatever.
Right.
You communicate that you're inthe middle of some, this is not
like every five seconds.
This is just, you know, it soundlike lunchtime.
I know.
And hey, if that works for you,by all means.
This is just like we have ourcheckpoints during the day that
(22:10):
we check in with each other.
So that, and we were justtalking about this, if there was
ever a lapse in thatcommunication, this is a norm
that we've established.
Mm-hmm.
for us in our relationship.
We communicate all the time.
We communicate with our kids, wecommunicate with each other.
(22:31):
They hear us communicating.
All the time.
Right.
So if there was ever a period oftime where that wasn't
happening, that would send a redflag up in my mind of
something's not right.
Right, because this is a routinethat we've established, and you
can't know if there's somethingamiss.
If everything in yourrelationship is disorganized,
(22:52):
everything in your relationshipis up in the air.
We just w we just wing it as wego.
There is no established pattern,right?
So maybe this is a time whereyou in your relationship can
establish a normal, healthypattern so that you are all the
more wise.
Alerted to the fact if somethingis wrong,
Bryan (23:14):
right?
And.
Natalie (23:17):
and we're not saying, oh my goodness, you missed one
time to answer me.
You are obviously quietlyquitting.
No, no, no.
This is a pattern over time.
Yeah.
Bryan (23:24):
Over time it's, it's like even, it's like when we're not
keeping in contact, are youquietly quitting?
And it's not just one day, ityou're not wrong.
It's one time we, we missed it.
We didn't communicate and Oh,these and consumed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But well, if you're living inthe same house, the same bed
driving the same car, eating thesame dinners, and you're not
communicating through thosethings, We're just saying pay
attention to look at yourrelationship.
(23:45):
It's very hard.
It's hard to come back fromthat.
But not impossible.
You have to really want it.
Both of you have to really wantit.
Exactly.
Which kind of lends into thenext one.
Which if you're talking less andless, it also can indicate that
you're losing interest in yourYep.
In your partner, in your spouse,in them, and who they are.
Checking in on a good day,that's so
Natalie (24:06):
important.
It's really even checking in,you know, if we've left and.
Had a disagreement, one.
If not both will always check inregardless of of where they feel
they stand.
Right?
I'm right or I am not.
We, we generally make an effortto communicate right.
(24:29):
I hope you
Bryan (24:30):
got to work.
Yeah.
Well, especially like there'sadverse winter conditions or, or
things like that.
We just communicate safety andthings like that.
I don't wanna have to worryabout things like that.
But checking is in is important.
Not just one of you, but both ofyou.
Checking it and just seeingwhat's going on and even sitting
down like, Hey, let's talk aboutour relationship.
Like Natalie does this all thetime to me, sometimes at the
(24:52):
worst times, like 10 30 atnight, let's talk about the
future.
I'm like, I don't have theenergy to talk about the future.
You've seen memes on this.
I should put memes on theInstagram page, but this is a
real struggle.
Like I'm almost asleep and she'slike, wanna talk about the house
that we want to buy?
I'm like, I don't have theenergy to think about the house
that I want to buy.
It's, it's a real thing.
What she's showing is that she'sstill interested in me in the
(25:14):
future.
That's right.
And she's not, she's stillcommunicating with me about
those things, and she wants toknow what are we gonna do?
Then we pray about it, and thenwe do devotions, and then we
communicate those things withour friends that are really
close to us.
And so I also, like, she updatesme on her date.
She, in my opinion, has one ofthe most boring jobs on the face
of the earth, but she loves it.
(25:35):
Which
Natalie (25:35):
job?
Hr.
Oh, Yes.
I love hr.
I am great.
You love p.
Task administrative, and itdrives me crazy.
Its me joy.
It brings me
Bryan (25:45):
joy.
Here's, here's where a momentcan happen in your relationship.
I listen to her when she tellsme about the things that she's
learning and the things thatshe's doing.
I don't like hr, I don't reallycare to know about the paperwork
that she pushed but I love herand so I'm gonna sit and listen
and sometimes pretend that I'minterested, truthfully be, and
(26:06):
she does the same thing when I,I can always tell when she's,
we're sitting there like, Hey,look at this guitar.
And she looks at them and she'slike, ah.
Yeah.
Cool.
And then she looks back to thewhatever she's doing, reading
or, and she's like, yeah, youdon't care.
She's like, Nope, not really.
We're at that stage in ourrelationship where we can just
say, no, I don't care aboutthat.
I love you, but I don't care
Natalie (26:23):
about that.
But Right.
I love that.
You care
Bryan (26:24):
about that.
Yeah.
And that's the thing, I lovethat you care about your
Natalie (26:27):
job.
That's good.
And, and honestly, there areonly so many electric guitars.
They all begin to look the same.
They do
Bryan (26:32):
not look the same Me after
Natalie (26:34):
oldest that I can just, my middle son.
All of my energy into, I neverget the names right.
I'm always like, that is a greatLes Paul.
No, that was a whatever
Bryan (26:45):
offender.
I dunno how you get to mixed'emup.
They don't look the same C whatI'm telling you.
So she, she tries at least.
There
Natalie (26:51):
you go.
Bryan (26:52):
Cause you're not losing interest.
You care about the things that
Natalie (26:55):
I care about.
I'm effort.
I do care about the things that,no, no.
Do I wanna spend five hours ofmy Saturday in a music store
looking at guitars?
No.
Have I.
because it matters to you.
Oh, yeah.
And, and, right.
Those are your interests.
And we've, we've established acompromise in that way.
(27:16):
It's not only about you goingand doing everything I wanna do,
there is a compromise wheresometimes, For the greater mint.
Greater mint, I don't know,greater betterment, I don't
know.
Whatever
Bryan (27:29):
the greater, see, this is where she makes up words greater
Natalie (27:32):
mint, the greater min of our relationship.
For me to just be like, is itthe end of the world for me to
spend maybe not five hours?
Can we do like 30 minutes?
Guess what we're doing thisafternoon?
Right.
Notice I didn't answer.
That was, that was well done,well done.
Of compromising on a timeline.
Right.
Hey, I can't commit to fivehours in here, but I will, I'm
(27:54):
willing to give you 30 minutes.
Bryan (27:56):
So the, the not talking and communicating less can
indicate that you have, you'relosing an interest.
So those are two points that wewant to get to today.
You're losing interest and theway, Natalie, if I was to ask
you, how, how do we, what aretools that we can use to make
this better?
Like how, how do.
Natalie (28:15):
For like, not losing interest.
Bryan (28:17):
Well, not losing interest, but talking if you're
already in a, in a, if you'realready in a holding pattern of
we're not, we're not improvingthe relationship and we're not
really communicating with eachother already.
How do we get better?
I can, I, can I say the firstone?
Sure.
You have to eat your pride andjust be the first one to text
and just make a habit Yes.
Of communicating and if change,change your narrative.
(28:37):
Yes.
You don't, you don't like whereit is.
You don't like what you're,you're reaping.
You have to change what you'resewing
Natalie (28:42):
maybe.
and I've had to do this and thisis when you're trying to make a
better way and trying to forge adifferent narrative.
Sometimes it's really painfuland for you to say, Hey, I love,
can we talk?
Like I love to have like ameeting, but wouldn't it be such
(29:05):
a surprise to your partner ifyou led with, this is something
about me that I really don'tlike.
And I am sorry that I've placedX, Y, and Z expectations on you,
right?
If you led a conversation, trustme, you will be surprised at how
that is.
(29:25):
Received, reciprocated andreceived.
Yeah.
Where you're not coming in thething going.
You, you, you are doing this andI don't like it.
No.
How about I have noticed aboutmyself or I've been thinking
about it and I really I've kindof dropped the ball in this area
and I'm sorry.
Mm-hmm.
can we like, work together tofind that's solution that's,
yeah.
Start.
Bryan (29:46):
Absolutely.
That's a really good one tostart with.
So the two things that we talkedabout today, if you're noticing
in yourself or your partner, areyou talking less and less?
You're not communicating the wayyou used to.
That's right.
And it's been a pattern, notjust like, Hey, I missed a
couple days cause I worked longhours, or things were going on,
or the kids were busy, had to gofrom place to place.
Talking like, your pattern is,you guys just don't communicate
(30:06):
issues whenever you're alone.
You're just talking about yournothing.
That kind of thing.
And then the other one was, areyou losing interest in each
other?
And one can lead to the other.
That's
Natalie (30:15):
right.
And like, and it's not justlike, this is the number one,
this is the number two.
No, they're all interchangeable.
Yeah.
These
Bryan (30:19):
are all, and the next ones that we have coming up next
week are really, really great.
And they all work together on,in this particular issue.
And so, hey, we reallyappreciate you.
Hanging with us, like I said,and if you didn't have a chance,
we did a We Are Back, shortlittle episode just to let you
know what our plans are for thefuture, where we've been for the
last little while.
So we know that you love thepodcast.
(30:40):
We appreciate you loving thepodcast.
We love you guys.
So if it means does mean a lotwhen you share it with your
friends.
You let people know that we havea podcast and we hope that
you're finding value in this.
That's the greatest thing.
Is it?
If you find value and it makesyour marriage better, that's
what we want.
Absolutely.
So you can follow us onInstagram and on Facebook.
If you have any questions or youhave an idea or you just
(31:02):
straight up disagree with whatwe have here, we'd love to have
a conversation, a discourse, andmaybe if that's something that
you disagree with and you wannabring a different perspective,
we'd love to maybe even have youon the podcast.
Mm-hmm.
But you can emailus@amplifiedmarriagegmail.com or
you can DM us on Instagram andFacebook and you hear us.
Every single time, and webelieve this with every fiber of
(31:24):
our being because it's been truefor us.
We believe that your marriagecan be reset, refreshed,
recharged, and restored.
Thanks
Natalie (31:31):
so much for listening.
Bryan (31:31):
Talk to you soon.
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