January 29, 2024 • 30 mins
Is balancing your career and personal life possible, or is that just an unrealistic goal? Dive into the complex world of juggling everything without losing your sanity in "Work-Life Balance." Join us as we share their stories, challenges, and successes in trying to balance work and home life. This episode covers areas like setting limits, spending quality time with family, and handling emotional detachment.
Join us as we explore the hectic task of multitasking in today's fast-moving society. Tune in for a genuine discussion filled with helpful tips, personal stories, and light-hearted moments, all aimed at making sure your job doesn't take over your entire life!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bryan (00:11):
Welcome to part two of the work life balance amplified
marriage podcast.
We had a really greatconversation last week, just
about some struggles that we'vehad with work life balance over
the years, and today we justwant to finish this off with
moving into from the imbalancethat happens when you actually
just choose a work over family.
(00:32):
And then we want to go into somesolutions and offer you up some
ways that can, you can apply itto your own relationship.
Natalie (00:47):
Welcome to Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
And I'm Brian.
As you hear us say everypodcast, grab a tea, grab a
coffee and a snack.
We're so glad you joined us forour chat today.
Bryan (00:55):
Absolutely.
Wow.
I was having, I was thinkingabout the last week and just
the, the ways that we'vestruggled over the years with
work life balance.
Like we've not done it verywell.
We've done it really poorly.
And I know we had a conversationearlier just about.
(01:16):
What does it mean when you, youcome from nothing and you have
something?
Why do people struggle with worklife balance and choose to have
work over life?
And the like, even in our ownstudy, the reasons are like a
myriad.
There's so many different ways,reasons why people struggle.
Or would choose work overfamily, right?
And some of it is because likeeven in our own relationship,
(01:37):
you didn't want to be around me.
I didn't want to be around you.
So I would rather work and thenbe at home.
And then when the marriage washealthy, I felt this pressure to
always provide more.
So I would work more hours causeI'm like, we need to be able to
pay rent.
We need to be able to have food.
You're pregnant now and nowwhat?
And I even thinking if, if therelation was relationship was
(01:57):
healthy, it would, these thingswould be a struggle.
They would or they wouldn't,they would be like if, if I, we
had a healthy relationship, butI was choosing to work all the
time and we would watch therelationship deteriorate.
Right.
Right.
Like how, how can these thingsbe good?
Like you could be listening tothis podcast from wherever you
(02:18):
are around the world.
And be like, man, I got a reallytight relationship with my wife.
But if you choose or yourhusband, but you choose to now
dis to, to work more and beabsent, your relationship will
never be will, will you'll beginto see a deterioration over
time?
Natalie (02:33):
Yes.
And for us in our own personalthing, like we came from
nothing, we had like a real.
poverty mindset and a realstruggle with finances most of
our married life.
And the, the disillusion I thinkthat we felt was coming from
(02:55):
nothing and then all of a suddenhaving some, the tendency was,
well, we never want to bewithout again.
And so we will just work.
And before we had kids, like Iwas working too.
So, and.
Remember, like opposite shiftsto you.
So we were already disconnectedthere and then, then working
crazy hours to make.
So that we would never have tobe in that situation of wanting
(03:20):
or lack again.
And then we had kids and then Iwas home.
And I think that with the addedstresses of, you know, our
communication issues and things,you really push the envelope of,
well, now we have a child, sowe're almost like the pendulum
swinging the other way.
(03:41):
Yeah, we're never like I have towork all of the time now because
it's expensive.
Yeah, which is fair, right?
And that's a valid Concern andthe thing with our situation was
that it wasn't so obvious rightthe slip into the disconnect and
the financial strain and theLike, yes, it was secure because
(04:02):
you had a job and consistentwages coming in, but the
security of like, you just notbeing there wasn't so obvious at
the beginning.
And quite frankly, like it wasexciting at first with all of
these extra hours and the moneycoming in and things like that.
And it wasn't until, you know,there was a big issue that it
kind of.
Bryan (04:28):
And, and I would say that we're probably lucky that we
were able to come out of thathole that we had dug ourself in
not being present.
A
Natalie (04:40):
hundred percent, like I'm just contemplating and
thinking back to it, even aswe're talking about this.
Like.
At that point even we didn'trealize, and, and like, this is
something we still battle withtoday is the work life balance
and, you know, is more enough ortoo much or are we at what
(05:02):
sacrifice?
I think now that we have, evenif we had no kids, we're still a
family, you and I.
And so at what cost?
To our relationship.
Is it worth it?
Right.
And I think that has to be thenumber one question.
Yes.
We need money to live and youknow, we live in a very
expensive city, much likeprobably everyone else here.
(05:26):
So yeah, you need finances inorder to survive.
Yeah, that's right.
But there has to be a balance.
I mean, I cannot work seven daysa week nonstop, right?
It's not possible.
We all need a time of recharge.
I've
Bryan (05:40):
tried that.
It doesn't work very well.
It doesn't work.
Well, and I think like even whatwe're saying here is that the
financial stress or the securityor the stability of you working
and bringing in money whilethat's good, there's a massive
trade off between you and yourfamily.
Natalie (05:55):
A hundred percent.
And I will take it even a stepfurther because like you're a
pastor and yes, I work parttime.
There was a time though when Iwasn't working, we were in
ministry, but you were the soleprovider.
Yeah.
This can still have adetrimental impact to your
family of like, I need to be atevery single function.
(06:16):
I need to be available foreveryone else 24 seven because
that seems to come with a job atthe expense of your children.
Yeah, that is so wrong on somany levels and we'll, we'll get
to a solution for that later on.
Bryan (06:31):
Right.
And, and I would say that that.
At that point it wasn't aboutfinances.
Natalie (06:37):
No that's like the, the, the family security of just
having mom and or dad present.
Bryan (06:43):
That way he had not, that had nothing to do with the
finances, everything to do withthe fact that I'm a pastor and I
was just learning how to, tochoose my battles and choose
this, which things I fight forand which things I need my time
immediately and which thingsHey, I can, I can actually put
off till next week.
And there's been times where.
I was with my family and someonehas said, Hey, I really want to,
(07:06):
I need to talk to you aboutsomething, not telling me
urgency, not giving me a, Hey,this is what's going on.
And then you're getting blastedwith it.
Lee.
Well, you, you didn't, youdidn't connect with me and I've,
I felt like you didn't love meor a band.
And so they're bringing up theirbaggage and their issues, but
you didn't, all you said was,Hey, I want to have a chat with
you about this item X.
(07:27):
Yeah.
But then me saying, well.
Well, it's Friday and I'm, I'mactually right now when you're
texting me, I'm with my family.
And so I'm not going to be, I'mnot going to be available until
Monday cause we have a weekendplan with my kids.
And so my wife and I areunavailable and that's, and now
that's healthy.
I probably wouldn't have saidthat two, three, four years
Natalie (07:45):
ago.
Like segues into it.
There's a possibility ofneglecting.
Yeah.
Your, your spouse, yourchildren, your family, the needs
that they're needing emotionallyof you being present and not
just in the room, but your focusis elsewhere, but in the room
and your focus is on your, yourfamily.
Bryan (08:06):
Right.
And, and how, how can I provideemotional or manly behavior,
modeling manly behavior to mysons and to my daughter?
This is what a good husbandlooks like, or a good father
looks like.
How can I model that to my kidsif I'm never present?
Right.
That's very
Natalie (08:22):
true.
Like,
Bryan (08:24):
like even what did, what did we say in the last episode
is that the, your, there's noone in your job that's going to
be like, that's going to upcelebrate you working longer
hours.
That's right.
Right.
But your kids will remember youwere absent.
Natalie (08:36):
Exactly.
Oh yeah.
You were talking about, theywon't necessarily remember what
you purchased for them, but theywill remember
Bryan (08:41):
if I was present, right.
And, and, but all of thosethings are at a cost.
It's like, how can mean you.
Like, even on a, on the kind ofmarriage sexual level, even have
foreplay or even want to do thatwith each other or have sex or
be intimate with each other.
If I'm never present to evenhave that, like, and there's
like foreplay on text is onlygood at foreplay is coming
(09:03):
because we've been at home for awhile.
Like I've been with you and I'vebeen able to emotionally connect
with you face to face, eyeballto
Natalie (09:09):
eyeball.
Exactly.
Right.
I'm not married to my phone.
Right.
Right.
You shouldn't be married to yourphone.
You should be married to, youknow, your partner.
Right.
It makes it very challengingbecause there's a disconnect.
Yeah.
Bryan (09:22):
And yeah.
And you end up there, can you,you get to the place where you
neglect or sorry, where youresent.
Like 100 percent because you'relike, well, you're never here.
So I'm just, might as well besingle mom, which you've said
numerous times.
Yes.
And
Natalie (09:36):
you know, when one is filled with resentment, one
resorts to childish antics andyou know, it was like, well, you
withheld, you withheld yourpresence of even wanting to be
home.
Then I'm withholding intimacyfrom you.
Yeah.
Bryan (09:52):
Right.
That's unfair.
But it's also on both on bothcounts.
Yeah, I was gonna say it'sunfair that I'm, I'm not home to
provide for my wife, but I'malso, it's also unfair that she
would do that.
And then
Natalie (10:03):
what happens when we're dissatisfied?
Yeah.
Right.
That just opens the door foremotional affairs.
It opens the door for physicalaffairs.
Right.
Bryan (10:14):
We've actually, we've met with some couples, some older
couples that actually hadearlier in their marriage had
struggled with similar thingsthat we had, and they've been
married for 10, 10 or 14 yearslonger than we have.
Something like that.
But they said, and we asked,well, how they had, she had had
an emotional affair.
And I asked her, I said, how didyou get to that place?
(10:36):
And so how did you go there?
Because the person that it waswith was unlikely shouldn't have
happened.
And she's like, it just was oneof those things is that they
were present and the husbandwasn't.
The husband was not, it wasn'teven working out of town and
that's a whole differentconversation.
I've seen way too many marriagesfail.
Way too many because I'm goingto be a mill right up.
(11:00):
In the boonies and gone forthree months out of the earth,
nine, 10 months out of the yearand never home.
Yeah.
And God knows what happens whenyou're gone and then those two
anyway, that's a whole differentthing.
But this person wasn't evenaway, was just gone 10 or 12
hours a day, six, seven days aweek and wasn't providing an
emotional, a physical, a mental,a spiritual connection to her at
(11:22):
all.
And she's like, it just
happened.
Natalie (11:24):
That's right.
And so if you think that you'reexempt, no one is right.
Like this is something that weourselves need to be so aware of
and, and fight against, youknow, idle thoughts and your
mind wanders and whatever elsehappens there.
You need, you need to be superfocused.
(11:47):
You need to be aware of hate.
You know, when, when we talkabout like scripture saying,
capture your thoughts, this isexactly what it's referring to,
well, not probably the entiretyof it, but that's a portion of
what it's referring to of becareful that you are not.
Get disengaged and, and then runwith that, right?
(12:11):
If you feel a disengagement,then you need to communicate,
Hey, this isn't working.
This is how I'm feeling.
We need to come up with asolution so that we guard our
marriage.
Bryan (12:20):
Yeah, absolutely.
And like.
I think the understanding veryclearly that no one is exempt
from this is the moment that youget comfortable to go.
That'll never happen to me iswhen the enemy will come in and
swoop in with something where aman or a woman will be present
that just provides you somethinga little bit different than the
(12:41):
other.
Right.
Then so you just have to bereally care.
That's a whole different.
Podcast to talk about that kindof stuff.
And this one, this one'sinteresting.
There's actually health impacts.
You can have your healthimpacted because of overworking.
Now I want to say this, it's onething to.
Develop a chronic issue becausemaybe there's a genetic thing or
(13:01):
something happened to you got abad batch of blood or when you
did the transfer.
It's one thing to end up with achronic problem just based on
like bad diet or or genetic orsomething like that.
It's another thing to actually.
End up with chronic problems inyour body because you chose to
work so much that your body wasstressed out and you developed
(13:21):
problems.
That is all that is, that is tome is one of those crazy things
that we've actually heard ofhappening that developed back
problems, neck problems, stomachproblems, stomach problems is
common because remember thestress episodes we did, this is
what happens.
Pick your poison.
This is what happens when youallow stress.
To live in your body becauseyour choose, you choose this.
(13:42):
And I actually think now that Ilook back to this, I actually
think there's a I wouldn't havesaid this before, but there's a
greater stress in you or agreater responsibility when you
choose the work over the family.
That means there's an extralayer that you have that you've
added, that you've added toyourself and you know it.
You know it there's no way thatyou're like one day.
(14:04):
Oh, I didn't know this washappening They didn't know you
chose this you knew what mighthappen.
It's not only do you have aphysical issue There was a
mental strain on there that youchose.
I
Natalie (14:12):
don't know that But you would necessarily know that this
would happen.
And I don't know that you wouldeven recognize it was caused or
potentially cause some of yourissues.
I think it, I think everyonethinks they're, that's a, that
person,
Bryan (14:28):
that I definitely get.
But do you think, and this isjust the question, do you think
that in the modern time, if youhave access to the internet.
Instagram, Facebook, any kind ofsocial media where influencers
all over the place are talkingabout a work life balance and
this, that, and the other thing.
Do you think that anytime thatsomeone's like, Oh, I didn't
(14:48):
know that this would happen if Iworked 90 to a hundred hours a
week?
So
Natalie (14:52):
I propose the same thing back to you.
If they're working so much, dothey even have time to be?
Bryan (15:01):
And I propose back to you.
No, I get it.
I understand it, but there's,there's no way that in modern,
modern time with HR departmentsin these big corporations and
like my boss pays attention tomy time, just like I pay
attention to his boss.
You got to take time off.
Pastor Brody, you got to go taketime off.
Like he's talking about it andthen because he's such a
(15:23):
responsible guy, he's like, Idon't want to do it.
I said, you need to go.
It's just like he says to me,Brian, I will collude with your
wife and I will make you go onholidays.
Wrong word.
Collude.
Collude.
Collude.
Bye.
It's a right word.
It means when two people worktogether, what
Natalie (15:38):
did you think?
You are right.
It is the right word.
I'm thinking the other word youhave an inappropriate, no, no,
no, it wasn't inappropriate.
It was just like, that isprobably not the right word.
Yeah.
Bryan (15:49):
When two people are working together to get someone
else to do something.
Scheming.
Scheming there.
That's a good one.
You and him will scheme to makesure I take my time off, which
that's so important.
It is.
It, all those things areimportant, but I just feel like
there's, there's impacts to menot choosing to go to the gym,
right?
Like there's impacts to mechoosing to eat fast food over
(16:13):
home cooked health food.
There's impacts to me choosingto be a smoker versus a non
smoker.
There's impacts to me choosingto be staying up
Natalie (16:21):
all night video gaming instead of sleeping.
Bryan (16:24):
Yes.
I don't like that one because Iwant to play video games because
I'm just a 45 year old child.
But, but, you know, like there'salways a choice in either one or
the other there, there's, youhave to make a choice.
And at some point, like there'stimes, and here's the thing, I
want you to hear me who'slistening to this.
There are times.
Where you have to work becausesomething's going on, I deal
(16:46):
with funerals and weddings.
Both of them are inconvenient,right?
Like the, both of them will likea, a wedding will take up two
days of my, of my time with myfamily because of rehearsals,
then the full day, then you'rethere at the reception.
It's the whole thing.
Funerals.
Someone passes a week later, yougot, you're planning a, you're
planning a four hour service.
(17:07):
You're spending hours of timewith families, dealing with
grief, dealing with planning,dealing with trying to set up.
pictures and tech, all thisstuff, trying to make families
like pastor families to leadfamilies through a really tough
time.
Those are times where you justhave to work extra.
Exactly.
Natalie (17:23):
That's communicated.
Yeah.
That's a communicated thing.
That's not the norm.
Yeah.
That's kind of the exception.
I mean, yes, people get marriedand unfortunately you can't
control when people pass awayand that's just, it's never.
But I will say if you areexperiencing some health
(17:43):
concerns, perhaps, and I, pleasego see your doctor, but perhaps
take a look as we are notmedical professionals and we
would never give medical advice.
But.
Go see your doctor, but alsotake an evaluation of work life
balance because perhaps it's alittle bit off.
Bryan (18:02):
So now we get to the fun part, the
Natalie (18:04):
strategies.
I mean, we talk about this allthe time.
We're broken records, settingboundaries.
Bryan (18:10):
Do we talk about boundaries often?
We
Natalie (18:11):
do.
We talk about boundaries as muchas we talk about communication.
But you know what?
It's something that we've had tolearn the hard way on how to do
it and then not feel bad or thatit was like you're somehow mean
for setting boundaries.
No.
If, if like we have to keep uson schedule, like with a
(18:33):
podcast, it's scheduled in ourcalendar.
It has to be.
Otherwise, the tendency is like,Oh, I'm tired.
We've had a long day or this,that, the other.
And then it just tends to, tolike, and we don't want it to
like so when it comes to her,and this is also work, it takes
thought, it takes planning.
It takes like evaluating wherewe've been, what we want to talk
(18:55):
about.
Like it does take time to setboundaries and preferably set
them like together so thatyou're on the same page or set
them as a family so thateveryone knows what everyone is
doing.
And when everyone's home andwhen everyone needs to be at
things.
Yeah.
Bryan (19:14):
And I, and I liked it easy, but yeah.
And I like how this, the the waywe have read down is unplugging.
We kind of unplug at like afterwork my phone goes into this is
just something that I do it goesinto automatic Do not stir mode
at 8 o'clock every night.
Actually, no, it's 7 now It's 77 or 8 every night it goes in
and sometimes I didn't evennotice it until Like, you just
(19:36):
don't notice that it's gone.
And that was intentional.
And there's a few numbers thatare allowed to get through.
Like my family is able to getthrough my kids, my brother in
law, my sister, my pastor.
If I ever get a phone call fromsomeone from my team, it's bad.
In particular, if my pastorcalls me at.
at nine o'clock on a Fridaynight, something's gone wrong
and we're about to be dealingwith probably a funeral or
(19:59):
something really severe.
Right.
And, but those are, those arethe exceptions and that doesn't
happen.
Natalie (20:03):
But you have the ability to screen, to screen
what is coming in and what, andwhat isn't.
I have the privilege with my jobwhere my laptop stays at work.
So, when I log out at the end ofthe night and I close the laptop
lid, I don't even think aboutwork until I'm there the next
morning and so, perhaps Causethat is something that if you
(20:25):
have an office at home and youwork from home, close it.
Don't keep going back to it.
And I don't have my work emailset up on my phone, so I can't
see anything coming in on myphone.
Work related.
Yeah.
Right?
So that's a, that's a check andbalance that I've set in place
for unplugging.
Bryan (20:44):
Absolutely.
And the, the, so the first onefor some of those strategies or
goals for balancing out the worklife balance to set boundaries.
The next one is you want to havequality over quantity.
You want quantity, but thereality of life with children,
different events
Natalie (21:00):
with each other 24 seven,
Bryan (21:02):
you know, and I like her and she's awesome.
Like Natalie's fun to be around.
I would say almost all the time,but I still need time with your
girls and anytime with the guys.
Yeah.
Natalie (21:12):
And I need time like on my own.
Bryan (21:14):
But then when we do have specific things, we make sure
that not, I don't mean just likeyou're sitting at home and we're
watching a show or it's a littlebit, we're just getting ready to
go to bed and she's on herphone.
I'm on my phone and we're justkind of just.
Chilling out for a little bitand we're sending each other
memes sitting on the couchtogether.
Like we do that.
That's fun.
And I do that with the kids.
I'm talking about, Hey, we havea date night plan.
(21:35):
Let's make like date night planis in.
We, the kids are at youth.
We're going to go for a couplehours.
Exactly.
We go shopping, we get a coffeeor an ice cream and we just
wander around and we talk.
We make the best of the timethat we have together.
Yup.
Even if it's 15 minutes, evenit's 15 minutes and we have
some, we have some planned timetogether date nights that are
specific.
We don't do those nearly enoughand we're getting better at it.
Natalie (21:54):
And you know, one of the things that.
We've worked really hard and itwas hard to do.
I feel when the kids weresmaller was when it was you and
I intentional focused, we're ona date.
It was so hard to not just talkabout the kids.
Yeah.
I
Bryan (22:09):
remember we used to bend.
We're like, we're not allowed totalk about the kids.
Oh, it was so hard
Natalie (22:13):
because that was our life, everything, kids and, and
it was great.
But really being intentionalabout when you're with your
spouse of really.
Yeah.
Making that conversation aboutyou too.
Absolutely.
I think it's super important.
Yeah.
Bryan (22:28):
That's very much.
And again, you're going to hearus say the very next one.
What is it?
Communication is the
Natalie (22:34):
key.
You got to talk.
If you're never around, it'skind of hard to set these
boundaries, set these, what likediscuss what quality time looks
like for you, right?
Bryan (22:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
And like there's, sometimesthere's jobs that just take you
out like RCMP or fire or EMT.
These are things that you, likethose types of jobs that just
like shift work, shift work, oryeah, shift work where you have
to intentionally.
Balance your schedule so you getan hour and a half in the middle
of the day while you come homefrom work and then they drop the
kids off and come back for a bitand then they go to work and
then you go to sleep.
(23:04):
Like we get it.
We understand.
We're not saying, all I'm sayingis that if you want your
relationship to survive, youhave to communicate your way
through it.
And you have to, and in the caseof you having a weird work life,
so many
Natalie (23:18):
times I was working and you would be home, you would
start dinner or you would cleanup something weird hours or then
when I was home you know, forthe most part, I tried to have
sort of it presentable and Isucceeded at times and I didn't
succeed at other times.
And, and it was one of thosethings where you just had to
(23:39):
help.
Bryan (23:40):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And absolutely.
And which leads to the
Natalie (23:44):
very last learn how to ask for help too.
Yeah.
You weren't
Bryan (23:46):
very good at that.
Yeah.
You have, we have to share thelove.
I love how you angry vacuumedwhile giving me the eyeball
like,
Natalie (23:52):
Hey, you have you.
Like we're a team and we have toshare the responsibilities and
what may have worked prior to ushaving kids might need a
readjustment.
Well,
Bryan (24:02):
and I would say every time you add a kid or you add a
scenario or you add a, a new jobposition or a different time, or
you had like, you have a lunchhour change from 12 to.
Anytime you add anything, youjust have to communicate about
it and that's how you workthrough it.
Which leads to this very, thevery last thing, these four
things, setting boundaries,quality over quantity,
communication will be the key.
(24:23):
The very last one is you have tolearn to share the
responsibilities.
Yes.
And I, can I, can I make acomment to some men in the, in
the world here?
Get a grip.
I don't say that because I'mtrying to be a jerk, but it does
get a grip.
There are some guys out therethat are like, well, no, that's
her job.
You, you helped make the kids.
(24:43):
You're a part of it.
You were there for thepregnancy.
You were walking all the waythrough that.
If your wife needs you to makebreakfast one morning because
she didn't sleep all night, getup off your butt and make
breakfast.
Natalie (24:53):
Yeah.
And I get most people's work isnine to five but five o'clock
doesn't mean that you get tocome home in my opinion and put
your feet up on the couch anddisengage from being present
with your family.
Yeah.
Bryan (25:07):
And, and I was that guy.
Do you know why I can tell youto get a grip is because I was
that dude and it just aboutcrushed us because I would work
and work and work and I'll comehome, I wouldn't do anything
with the kids.
And,
Natalie (25:20):
and, and, you know, you talk about all the, all the
consequences.
You just like cha ching, chaching, cha ching, like check,
check, check, check, checkboxes.
All of that suffers.
In that mindset that you, thatyou had.
So
Bryan (25:33):
we, we, we, we divide, here's, here's the fun thing I
love about our relationshipright now is that we've, we've
always divided the jobs into,you probably heard this if
you're listening to this pinkjobs and blue jobs.
Natalie (25:44):
Yeah.
This is fairly recent, I guess.
Well, in the
Bryan (25:47):
last 10 years, we've done this for a long time as pink
jobs and blue jobs.
And there's just some thingsthat Natalie just won't do.
I hate doing.
Yeah.
Like mowing the lawn.
She won't mow the lawn.
That's true.
I don't
Natalie (25:59):
mind mowing the lawn.
I hate weeding.
Bryan (26:01):
Yeah, but you don't like mowing either.
It's not that you're like, Idon't mind it.
It's just not, but there arecertain things and I hate doing
dishes, but.
Natalie has mowed the lawn andI've done dishes.
Yep.
And, and here's the thing aboutthis is that there were at this
flow in life right now where I'mreally enjoying cooking for
whatever reason.
And I welcome it.
And Natalie is really enjoyingme cooking.
(26:23):
Yep.
Right.
I don't cook as well.
I make some really, some thingsreally well, but we've just
found this, this new wave oflike responsibilities because
she's doing the school with thekids and I'm coming home from
work and I go to the gym andcome back, we make dinner and I
have one of the kids help me.
My oldest son loves to cook.
My middle son makes amazingorange chicken.
Like we have all these things.
My daughter bakes.
(26:44):
So yeah.
But we're in this wave where theresponsibilities that could be
looked at as traditional, thisshould be a woman's job.
I am doing hogwash.
I'm doing this happily becauseit benefits my family.
Sometimes I'm grumpy.
Like I'm like, I don't want tomake
Natalie (26:59):
dinner right now.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to do someof the things I have
Bryan (27:02):
to do, right?
But what I'm saying though, isthat the shared
responsibilities, if you'vecommunicated with them, you
communicate them through, youset some boundaries in place and
you, you actually have desiredto have a good quality
relationship with your wife, theshared responsibilities become
natural.
And I choose to do these thingsbecause it helps Natalie around
the house and it benefits mykids when I cook.
They get to eat that day.
(27:22):
And when we
Natalie (27:23):
cook together, that's quality time.
Yeah.
We
Bryan (27:25):
really, so sometimes I'm just, I'm plugging into my
earphones, I'm listening topodcasts or listening to music
as I'm cooking
Natalie (27:31):
or I'm listening to true crime.
Yeah.
But we're together
Bryan (27:33):
in the kitchen.
This is Natalie relaxes bylistening or watching a murder
show.
That's right.
I don't understand.
Yeah.
There's, there's millions ofthese, these people out there.
They're like, what did you do torelax over the weekend?
I watched a crime documentary onmurder.
That's right.
Oh man.
Like.
Yeah.
So, again, I want to go throughthese four things so you, you
remember them.
(27:54):
If you have any questions orcomments or you want to add one,
please let us know, but it'ssetting boundaries.
It's definitely quality overquantity.
It is communication is key andyou want to be able to share the
responsibilities around thehouse.
Yep.
Men don't think that you areexempt just cause you're a man.
Mic drop or face punch.
(28:16):
One of the two.
I'm, I just, I, I struggle.
I struggle with Cause that's a,that's an, that's an older style
of, and it still works for somepeople because of the type of
jobs, right?
If you were home all day and youdidn't have to work, it would be
different.
Yeah.
But it would be, you're working,you're working part time.
(28:37):
So you can help Ben support thisfamily because that's just what
the, where we're at.
But if you are available and youare able to help, there's
nothing in you says you're notbabysitting your kids.
You're taking care of your ownkids.
If you have to watch your ownchildren, yes.
When you're not grocery shoppingfor a year, like I'm going
grocery shopping for my, justbecause I have to.
(28:57):
You're doing it because you havea family that needs to eat,
right?
You are able to help through onthese things and to walk through
these things with your wife and,and know what's going on.
Natalie (29:06):
And if your kids are older, share some of the
responsibility.
Maybe you're a single parent.
Get your kids involved.
Our kids are involved in theshared responsibilities.
Our kids are involved with like.
The focus and the budgeting andall of that so that they know,
like when I'm saying no, we'renot doing that.
It's not because I'm trying tobe mean.
(29:27):
It's because we have a goal inmind.
Yeah.
Right.
So get your kids involved.
Bryan (29:31):
I really enjoyed this, this last two episodes.
This was really good to see howit works out man.
But every time we, we kind ofwere like, Oh, I think we should
talk about this.
Cause it's a real thing.
I realized how much westruggled.
In some areas and some, not somuch.
Natalie (29:44):
And this is one of those areas where we still have
not arrived.
Bryan (29:49):
It's
Natalie (29:49):
not gone as good as good as struggles.
It was when we were younger, butwe still have to be so
intentional.
Yeah,
Bryan (29:55):
absolutely.
If you love amplified marriagepodcast, you mean so much to us
when you like it, when you shareit, when you let people know
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If you.
Have a topic or anything thatyou would love to discuss or a
(30:15):
particular area that you wouldlike us to lean into to focus in
on.
We would love for you to emailus again.
You can talk to us on Instagramemail us at amplified marriage
at gmail.
com.
And as you hear us say everyweek, we believe that marriage
can be reset, refreshed,recharged and restored.
(30:35):
Thanks so much for listening.
Talk
Natalie (30:36):
to you soon.
Welcome to part two of the work life balance amplified
marriage podcast.
We had a really greatconversation last week, just
about some struggles that we'vehad with work life balance over
the years, and today we justwant to finish this off with
moving into from the imbalancethat happens when you actually
just choose a work over family.
(00:32):
And then we want to go into somesolutions and offer you up some
ways that can, you can apply itto your own relationship.
Natalie (00:47):
Welcome to Amplified Marriage.
I'm Natalie.
And I'm Brian.
As you hear us say everypodcast, grab a tea, grab a
coffee and a snack.
We're so glad you joined us forour chat today.
Bryan (00:55):
Absolutely.
Wow.
I was having, I was thinkingabout the last week and just
the, the ways that we'vestruggled over the years with
work life balance.
Like we've not done it verywell.
We've done it really poorly.
And I know we had a conversationearlier just about.
(01:16):
What does it mean when you, youcome from nothing and you have
something?
Why do people struggle with worklife balance and choose to have
work over life?
And the like, even in our ownstudy, the reasons are like a
myriad.
There's so many different ways,reasons why people struggle.
Or would choose work overfamily, right?
And some of it is because likeeven in our own relationship,
(01:37):
you didn't want to be around me.
I didn't want to be around you.
So I would rather work and thenbe at home.
And then when the marriage washealthy, I felt this pressure to
always provide more.
So I would work more hours causeI'm like, we need to be able to
pay rent.
We need to be able to have food.
You're pregnant now and nowwhat?
And I even thinking if, if therelation was relationship was
(01:57):
healthy, it would, these thingswould be a struggle.
They would or they wouldn't,they would be like if, if I, we
had a healthy relationship, butI was choosing to work all the
time and we would watch therelationship deteriorate.
Right.
Right.
Like how, how can these thingsbe good?
Like you could be listening tothis podcast from wherever you
(02:18):
are around the world.
And be like, man, I got a reallytight relationship with my wife.
But if you choose or yourhusband, but you choose to now
dis to, to work more and beabsent, your relationship will
never be will, will you'll beginto see a deterioration over
time?
Natalie (02:33):
Yes.
And for us in our own personalthing, like we came from
nothing, we had like a real.
poverty mindset and a realstruggle with finances most of
our married life.
And the, the disillusion I thinkthat we felt was coming from
(02:55):
nothing and then all of a suddenhaving some, the tendency was,
well, we never want to bewithout again.
And so we will just work.
And before we had kids, like Iwas working too.
So, and.
Remember, like opposite shiftsto you.
So we were already disconnectedthere and then, then working
crazy hours to make.
So that we would never have tobe in that situation of wanting
(03:20):
or lack again.
And then we had kids and then Iwas home.
And I think that with the addedstresses of, you know, our
communication issues and things,you really push the envelope of,
well, now we have a child, sowe're almost like the pendulum
swinging the other way.
(03:41):
Yeah, we're never like I have towork all of the time now because
it's expensive.
Yeah, which is fair, right?
And that's a valid Concern andthe thing with our situation was
that it wasn't so obvious rightthe slip into the disconnect and
the financial strain and theLike, yes, it was secure because
(04:02):
you had a job and consistentwages coming in, but the
security of like, you just notbeing there wasn't so obvious at
the beginning.
And quite frankly, like it wasexciting at first with all of
these extra hours and the moneycoming in and things like that.
And it wasn't until, you know,there was a big issue that it
kind of.
Bryan (04:28):
And, and I would say that we're probably lucky that we
were able to come out of thathole that we had dug ourself in
not being present.
A
Natalie (04:40):
hundred percent, like I'm just contemplating and
thinking back to it, even aswe're talking about this.
Like.
At that point even we didn'trealize, and, and like, this is
something we still battle withtoday is the work life balance
and, you know, is more enough ortoo much or are we at what
(05:02):
sacrifice?
I think now that we have, evenif we had no kids, we're still a
family, you and I.
And so at what cost?
To our relationship.
Is it worth it?
Right.
And I think that has to be thenumber one question.
Yes.
We need money to live and youknow, we live in a very
expensive city, much likeprobably everyone else here.
(05:26):
So yeah, you need finances inorder to survive.
Yeah, that's right.
But there has to be a balance.
I mean, I cannot work seven daysa week nonstop, right?
It's not possible.
We all need a time of recharge.
I've
Bryan (05:40):
tried that.
It doesn't work very well.
It doesn't work.
Well, and I think like even whatwe're saying here is that the
financial stress or the securityor the stability of you working
and bringing in money whilethat's good, there's a massive
trade off between you and yourfamily.
Natalie (05:55):
A hundred percent.
And I will take it even a stepfurther because like you're a
pastor and yes, I work parttime.
There was a time though when Iwasn't working, we were in
ministry, but you were the soleprovider.
Yeah.
This can still have adetrimental impact to your
family of like, I need to be atevery single function.
(06:16):
I need to be available foreveryone else 24 seven because
that seems to come with a job atthe expense of your children.
Yeah, that is so wrong on somany levels and we'll, we'll get
to a solution for that later on.
Bryan (06:31):
Right.
And, and I would say that that.
At that point it wasn't aboutfinances.
Natalie (06:37):
No that's like the, the, the family security of just
having mom and or dad present.
Bryan (06:43):
That way he had not, that had nothing to do with the
finances, everything to do withthe fact that I'm a pastor and I
was just learning how to, tochoose my battles and choose
this, which things I fight forand which things I need my time
immediately and which thingsHey, I can, I can actually put
off till next week.
And there's been times where.
I was with my family and someonehas said, Hey, I really want to,
(07:06):
I need to talk to you aboutsomething, not telling me
urgency, not giving me a, Hey,this is what's going on.
And then you're getting blastedwith it.
Lee.
Well, you, you didn't, youdidn't connect with me and I've,
I felt like you didn't love meor a band.
And so they're bringing up theirbaggage and their issues, but
you didn't, all you said was,Hey, I want to have a chat with
you about this item X.
(07:27):
Yeah.
But then me saying, well.
Well, it's Friday and I'm, I'mactually right now when you're
texting me, I'm with my family.
And so I'm not going to be, I'mnot going to be available until
Monday cause we have a weekendplan with my kids.
And so my wife and I areunavailable and that's, and now
that's healthy.
I probably wouldn't have saidthat two, three, four years
Natalie (07:45):
ago.
Like segues into it.
There's a possibility ofneglecting.
Yeah.
Your, your spouse, yourchildren, your family, the needs
that they're needing emotionallyof you being present and not
just in the room, but your focusis elsewhere, but in the room
and your focus is on your, yourfamily.
Bryan (08:06):
Right.
And, and how, how can I provideemotional or manly behavior,
modeling manly behavior to mysons and to my daughter?
This is what a good husbandlooks like, or a good father
looks like.
How can I model that to my kidsif I'm never present?
Right.
That's very
Natalie (08:22):
true.
Like,
Bryan (08:24):
like even what did, what did we say in the last episode
is that the, your, there's noone in your job that's going to
be like, that's going to upcelebrate you working longer
hours.
That's right.
Right.
But your kids will remember youwere absent.
Natalie (08:36):
Exactly.
Oh yeah.
You were talking about, theywon't necessarily remember what
you purchased for them, but theywill remember
Bryan (08:41):
if I was present, right.
And, and, but all of thosethings are at a cost.
It's like, how can mean you.
Like, even on a, on the kind ofmarriage sexual level, even have
foreplay or even want to do thatwith each other or have sex or
be intimate with each other.
If I'm never present to evenhave that, like, and there's
like foreplay on text is onlygood at foreplay is coming
(09:03):
because we've been at home for awhile.
Like I've been with you and I'vebeen able to emotionally connect
with you face to face, eyeballto
Natalie (09:09):
eyeball.
Exactly.
Right.
I'm not married to my phone.
Right.
Right.
You shouldn't be married to yourphone.
You should be married to, youknow, your partner.
Right.
It makes it very challengingbecause there's a disconnect.
Yeah.
Bryan (09:22):
And yeah.
And you end up there, can you,you get to the place where you
neglect or sorry, where youresent.
Like 100 percent because you'relike, well, you're never here.
So I'm just, might as well besingle mom, which you've said
numerous times.
Yes.
And
Natalie (09:36):
you know, when one is filled with resentment, one
resorts to childish antics andyou know, it was like, well, you
withheld, you withheld yourpresence of even wanting to be
home.
Then I'm withholding intimacyfrom you.
Yeah.
Bryan (09:52):
Right.
That's unfair.
But it's also on both on bothcounts.
Yeah, I was gonna say it'sunfair that I'm, I'm not home to
provide for my wife, but I'malso, it's also unfair that she
would do that.
And then
Natalie (10:03):
what happens when we're dissatisfied?
Yeah.
Right.
That just opens the door foremotional affairs.
It opens the door for physicalaffairs.
Right.
Bryan (10:14):
We've actually, we've met with some couples, some older
couples that actually hadearlier in their marriage had
struggled with similar thingsthat we had, and they've been
married for 10, 10 or 14 yearslonger than we have.
Something like that.
But they said, and we asked,well, how they had, she had had
an emotional affair.
And I asked her, I said, how didyou get to that place?
(10:36):
And so how did you go there?
Because the person that it waswith was unlikely shouldn't have
happened.
And she's like, it just was oneof those things is that they
were present and the husbandwasn't.
The husband was not, it wasn'teven working out of town and
that's a whole differentconversation.
I've seen way too many marriagesfail.
Way too many because I'm goingto be a mill right up.
(11:00):
In the boonies and gone forthree months out of the earth,
nine, 10 months out of the yearand never home.
Yeah.
And God knows what happens whenyou're gone and then those two
anyway, that's a whole differentthing.
But this person wasn't evenaway, was just gone 10 or 12
hours a day, six, seven days aweek and wasn't providing an
emotional, a physical, a mental,a spiritual connection to her at
(11:22):
all.
And she's like, it just
happened.
Natalie (11:24):
That's right.
And so if you think that you'reexempt, no one is right.
Like this is something that weourselves need to be so aware of
and, and fight against, youknow, idle thoughts and your
mind wanders and whatever elsehappens there.
You need, you need to be superfocused.
(11:47):
You need to be aware of hate.
You know, when, when we talkabout like scripture saying,
capture your thoughts, this isexactly what it's referring to,
well, not probably the entiretyof it, but that's a portion of
what it's referring to of becareful that you are not.
Get disengaged and, and then runwith that, right?
(12:11):
If you feel a disengagement,then you need to communicate,
Hey, this isn't working.
This is how I'm feeling.
We need to come up with asolution so that we guard our
marriage.
Bryan (12:20):
Yeah, absolutely.
And like.
I think the understanding veryclearly that no one is exempt
from this is the moment that youget comfortable to go.
That'll never happen to me iswhen the enemy will come in and
swoop in with something where aman or a woman will be present
that just provides you somethinga little bit different than the
(12:41):
other.
Right.
Then so you just have to bereally care.
That's a whole different.
Podcast to talk about that kindof stuff.
And this one, this one'sinteresting.
There's actually health impacts.
You can have your healthimpacted because of overworking.
Now I want to say this, it's onething to.
Develop a chronic issue becausemaybe there's a genetic thing or
(13:01):
something happened to you got abad batch of blood or when you
did the transfer.
It's one thing to end up with achronic problem just based on
like bad diet or or genetic orsomething like that.
It's another thing to actually.
End up with chronic problems inyour body because you chose to
work so much that your body wasstressed out and you developed
(13:21):
problems.
That is all that is, that is tome is one of those crazy things
that we've actually heard ofhappening that developed back
problems, neck problems, stomachproblems, stomach problems is
common because remember thestress episodes we did, this is
what happens.
Pick your poison.
This is what happens when youallow stress.
To live in your body becauseyour choose, you choose this.
(13:42):
And I actually think now that Ilook back to this, I actually
think there's a I wouldn't havesaid this before, but there's a
greater stress in you or agreater responsibility when you
choose the work over the family.
That means there's an extralayer that you have that you've
added, that you've added toyourself and you know it.
You know it there's no way thatyou're like one day.
(14:04):
Oh, I didn't know this washappening They didn't know you
chose this you knew what mighthappen.
It's not only do you have aphysical issue There was a
mental strain on there that youchose.
I
Natalie (14:12):
don't know that But you would necessarily know that this
would happen.
And I don't know that you wouldeven recognize it was caused or
potentially cause some of yourissues.
I think it, I think everyonethinks they're, that's a, that
person,
Bryan (14:28):
that I definitely get.
But do you think, and this isjust the question, do you think
that in the modern time, if youhave access to the internet.
Instagram, Facebook, any kind ofsocial media where influencers
all over the place are talkingabout a work life balance and
this, that, and the other thing.
Do you think that anytime thatsomeone's like, Oh, I didn't
(14:48):
know that this would happen if Iworked 90 to a hundred hours a
week?
So
Natalie (14:52):
I propose the same thing back to you.
If they're working so much, dothey even have time to be?
Bryan (15:01):
And I propose back to you.
No, I get it.
I understand it, but there's,there's no way that in modern,
modern time with HR departmentsin these big corporations and
like my boss pays attention tomy time, just like I pay
attention to his boss.
You got to take time off.
Pastor Brody, you got to go taketime off.
Like he's talking about it andthen because he's such a
(15:23):
responsible guy, he's like, Idon't want to do it.
I said, you need to go.
It's just like he says to me,Brian, I will collude with your
wife and I will make you go onholidays.
Wrong word.
Collude.
Collude.
Collude.
Bye.
It's a right word.
It means when two people worktogether, what
Natalie (15:38):
did you think?
You are right.
It is the right word.
I'm thinking the other word youhave an inappropriate, no, no,
no, it wasn't inappropriate.
It was just like, that isprobably not the right word.
Yeah.
Bryan (15:49):
When two people are working together to get someone
else to do something.
Scheming.
Scheming there.
That's a good one.
You and him will scheme to makesure I take my time off, which
that's so important.
It is.
It, all those things areimportant, but I just feel like
there's, there's impacts to menot choosing to go to the gym,
right?
Like there's impacts to mechoosing to eat fast food over
(16:13):
home cooked health food.
There's impacts to me choosingto be a smoker versus a non
smoker.
There's impacts to me choosingto be staying up
Natalie (16:21):
all night video gaming instead of sleeping.
Bryan (16:24):
Yes.
I don't like that one because Iwant to play video games because
I'm just a 45 year old child.
But, but, you know, like there'salways a choice in either one or
the other there, there's, youhave to make a choice.
And at some point, like there'stimes, and here's the thing, I
want you to hear me who'slistening to this.
There are times.
Where you have to work becausesomething's going on, I deal
(16:46):
with funerals and weddings.
Both of them are inconvenient,right?
Like the, both of them will likea, a wedding will take up two
days of my, of my time with myfamily because of rehearsals,
then the full day, then you'rethere at the reception.
It's the whole thing.
Funerals.
Someone passes a week later, yougot, you're planning a, you're
planning a four hour service.
(17:07):
You're spending hours of timewith families, dealing with
grief, dealing with planning,dealing with trying to set up.
pictures and tech, all thisstuff, trying to make families
like pastor families to leadfamilies through a really tough
time.
Those are times where you justhave to work extra.
Exactly.
Natalie (17:23):
That's communicated.
Yeah.
That's a communicated thing.
That's not the norm.
Yeah.
That's kind of the exception.
I mean, yes, people get marriedand unfortunately you can't
control when people pass awayand that's just, it's never.
But I will say if you areexperiencing some health
(17:43):
concerns, perhaps, and I, pleasego see your doctor, but perhaps
take a look as we are notmedical professionals and we
would never give medical advice.
But.
Go see your doctor, but alsotake an evaluation of work life
balance because perhaps it's alittle bit off.
Bryan (18:02):
So now we get to the fun part, the
Natalie (18:04):
strategies.
I mean, we talk about this allthe time.
We're broken records, settingboundaries.
Bryan (18:10):
Do we talk about boundaries often?
We
Natalie (18:11):
do.
We talk about boundaries as muchas we talk about communication.
But you know what?
It's something that we've had tolearn the hard way on how to do
it and then not feel bad or thatit was like you're somehow mean
for setting boundaries.
No.
If, if like we have to keep uson schedule, like with a
(18:33):
podcast, it's scheduled in ourcalendar.
It has to be.
Otherwise, the tendency is like,Oh, I'm tired.
We've had a long day or this,that, the other.
And then it just tends to, tolike, and we don't want it to
like so when it comes to her,and this is also work, it takes
thought, it takes planning.
It takes like evaluating wherewe've been, what we want to talk
(18:55):
about.
Like it does take time to setboundaries and preferably set
them like together so thatyou're on the same page or set
them as a family so thateveryone knows what everyone is
doing.
And when everyone's home andwhen everyone needs to be at
things.
Yeah.
Bryan (19:14):
And I, and I liked it easy, but yeah.
And I like how this, the the waywe have read down is unplugging.
We kind of unplug at like afterwork my phone goes into this is
just something that I do it goesinto automatic Do not stir mode
at 8 o'clock every night.
Actually, no, it's 7 now It's 77 or 8 every night it goes in
and sometimes I didn't evennotice it until Like, you just
(19:36):
don't notice that it's gone.
And that was intentional.
And there's a few numbers thatare allowed to get through.
Like my family is able to getthrough my kids, my brother in
law, my sister, my pastor.
If I ever get a phone call fromsomeone from my team, it's bad.
In particular, if my pastorcalls me at.
at nine o'clock on a Fridaynight, something's gone wrong
and we're about to be dealingwith probably a funeral or
(19:59):
something really severe.
Right.
And, but those are, those arethe exceptions and that doesn't
happen.
Natalie (20:03):
But you have the ability to screen, to screen
what is coming in and what, andwhat isn't.
I have the privilege with my jobwhere my laptop stays at work.
So, when I log out at the end ofthe night and I close the laptop
lid, I don't even think aboutwork until I'm there the next
morning and so, perhaps Causethat is something that if you
(20:25):
have an office at home and youwork from home, close it.
Don't keep going back to it.
And I don't have my work emailset up on my phone, so I can't
see anything coming in on myphone.
Work related.
Yeah.
Right?
So that's a, that's a check andbalance that I've set in place
for unplugging.
Bryan (20:44):
Absolutely.
And the, the, so the first onefor some of those strategies or
goals for balancing out the worklife balance to set boundaries.
The next one is you want to havequality over quantity.
You want quantity, but thereality of life with children,
different events
Natalie (21:00):
with each other 24 seven,
Bryan (21:02):
you know, and I like her and she's awesome.
Like Natalie's fun to be around.
I would say almost all the time,but I still need time with your
girls and anytime with the guys.
Yeah.
Natalie (21:12):
And I need time like on my own.
Bryan (21:14):
But then when we do have specific things, we make sure
that not, I don't mean just likeyou're sitting at home and we're
watching a show or it's a littlebit, we're just getting ready to
go to bed and she's on herphone.
I'm on my phone and we're justkind of just.
Chilling out for a little bitand we're sending each other
memes sitting on the couchtogether.
Like we do that.
That's fun.
And I do that with the kids.
I'm talking about, Hey, we havea date night plan.
(21:35):
Let's make like date night planis in.
We, the kids are at youth.
We're going to go for a couplehours.
Exactly.
We go shopping, we get a coffeeor an ice cream and we just
wander around and we talk.
We make the best of the timethat we have together.
Yup.
Even if it's 15 minutes, evenit's 15 minutes and we have
some, we have some planned timetogether date nights that are
specific.
We don't do those nearly enoughand we're getting better at it.
Natalie (21:54):
And you know, one of the things that.
We've worked really hard and itwas hard to do.
I feel when the kids weresmaller was when it was you and
I intentional focused, we're ona date.
It was so hard to not just talkabout the kids.
Yeah.
I
Bryan (22:09):
remember we used to bend.
We're like, we're not allowed totalk about the kids.
Oh, it was so hard
Natalie (22:13):
because that was our life, everything, kids and, and
it was great.
But really being intentionalabout when you're with your
spouse of really.
Yeah.
Making that conversation aboutyou too.
Absolutely.
I think it's super important.
Yeah.
Bryan (22:28):
That's very much.
And again, you're going to hearus say the very next one.
What is it?
Communication is the
Natalie (22:34):
key.
You got to talk.
If you're never around, it'skind of hard to set these
boundaries, set these, what likediscuss what quality time looks
like for you, right?
Bryan (22:44):
Yeah, absolutely.
And like there's, sometimesthere's jobs that just take you
out like RCMP or fire or EMT.
These are things that you, likethose types of jobs that just
like shift work, shift work, oryeah, shift work where you have
to intentionally.
Balance your schedule so you getan hour and a half in the middle
of the day while you come homefrom work and then they drop the
kids off and come back for a bitand then they go to work and
then you go to sleep.
(23:04):
Like we get it.
We understand.
We're not saying, all I'm sayingis that if you want your
relationship to survive, youhave to communicate your way
through it.
And you have to, and in the caseof you having a weird work life,
so many
Natalie (23:18):
times I was working and you would be home, you would
start dinner or you would cleanup something weird hours or then
when I was home you know, forthe most part, I tried to have
sort of it presentable and Isucceeded at times and I didn't
succeed at other times.
And, and it was one of thosethings where you just had to
(23:39):
help.
Bryan (23:40):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And absolutely.
And which leads to the
Natalie (23:44):
very last learn how to ask for help too.
Yeah.
You weren't
Bryan (23:46):
very good at that.
Yeah.
You have, we have to share thelove.
I love how you angry vacuumedwhile giving me the eyeball
like,
Natalie (23:52):
Hey, you have you.
Like we're a team and we have toshare the responsibilities and
what may have worked prior to ushaving kids might need a
readjustment.
Well,
Bryan (24:02):
and I would say every time you add a kid or you add a
scenario or you add a, a new jobposition or a different time, or
you had like, you have a lunchhour change from 12 to.
Anytime you add anything, youjust have to communicate about
it and that's how you workthrough it.
Which leads to this very, thevery last thing, these four
things, setting boundaries,quality over quantity,
communication will be the key.
(24:23):
The very last one is you have tolearn to share the
responsibilities.
Yes.
And I, can I, can I make acomment to some men in the, in
the world here?
Get a grip.
I don't say that because I'mtrying to be a jerk, but it does
get a grip.
There are some guys out therethat are like, well, no, that's
her job.
You, you helped make the kids.
(24:43):
You're a part of it.
You were there for thepregnancy.
You were walking all the waythrough that.
If your wife needs you to makebreakfast one morning because
she didn't sleep all night, getup off your butt and make
breakfast.
Natalie (24:53):
Yeah.
And I get most people's work isnine to five but five o'clock
doesn't mean that you get tocome home in my opinion and put
your feet up on the couch anddisengage from being present
with your family.
Yeah.
Bryan (25:07):
And, and I was that guy.
Do you know why I can tell youto get a grip is because I was
that dude and it just aboutcrushed us because I would work
and work and work and I'll comehome, I wouldn't do anything
with the kids.
And,
Natalie (25:20):
and, and, you know, you talk about all the, all the
consequences.
You just like cha ching, chaching, cha ching, like check,
check, check, check, checkboxes.
All of that suffers.
In that mindset that you, thatyou had.
So
Bryan (25:33):
we, we, we, we divide, here's, here's the fun thing I
love about our relationshipright now is that we've, we've
always divided the jobs into,you probably heard this if
you're listening to this pinkjobs and blue jobs.
Natalie (25:44):
Yeah.
This is fairly recent, I guess.
Well, in the
Bryan (25:47):
last 10 years, we've done this for a long time as pink
jobs and blue jobs.
And there's just some thingsthat Natalie just won't do.
I hate doing.
Yeah.
Like mowing the lawn.
She won't mow the lawn.
That's true.
I don't
Natalie (25:59):
mind mowing the lawn.
I hate weeding.
Bryan (26:01):
Yeah, but you don't like mowing either.
It's not that you're like, Idon't mind it.
It's just not, but there arecertain things and I hate doing
dishes, but.
Natalie has mowed the lawn andI've done dishes.
Yep.
And, and here's the thing aboutthis is that there were at this
flow in life right now where I'mreally enjoying cooking for
whatever reason.
And I welcome it.
And Natalie is really enjoyingme cooking.
(26:23):
Yep.
Right.
I don't cook as well.
I make some really, some thingsreally well, but we've just
found this, this new wave oflike responsibilities because
she's doing the school with thekids and I'm coming home from
work and I go to the gym andcome back, we make dinner and I
have one of the kids help me.
My oldest son loves to cook.
My middle son makes amazingorange chicken.
Like we have all these things.
My daughter bakes.
(26:44):
So yeah.
But we're in this wave where theresponsibilities that could be
looked at as traditional, thisshould be a woman's job.
I am doing hogwash.
I'm doing this happily becauseit benefits my family.
Sometimes I'm grumpy.
Like I'm like, I don't want tomake
Natalie (26:59):
dinner right now.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to do someof the things I have
Bryan (27:02):
to do, right?
But what I'm saying though, isthat the shared
responsibilities, if you'vecommunicated with them, you
communicate them through, youset some boundaries in place and
you, you actually have desiredto have a good quality
relationship with your wife, theshared responsibilities become
natural.
And I choose to do these thingsbecause it helps Natalie around
the house and it benefits mykids when I cook.
They get to eat that day.
(27:22):
And when we
Natalie (27:23):
cook together, that's quality time.
Yeah.
We
Bryan (27:25):
really, so sometimes I'm just, I'm plugging into my
earphones, I'm listening topodcasts or listening to music
as I'm cooking
Natalie (27:31):
or I'm listening to true crime.
Yeah.
But we're together
Bryan (27:33):
in the kitchen.
This is Natalie relaxes bylistening or watching a murder
show.
That's right.
I don't understand.
Yeah.
There's, there's millions ofthese, these people out there.
They're like, what did you do torelax over the weekend?
I watched a crime documentary onmurder.
That's right.
Oh man.
Like.
Yeah.
So, again, I want to go throughthese four things so you, you
remember them.
(27:54):
If you have any questions orcomments or you want to add one,
please let us know, but it'ssetting boundaries.
It's definitely quality overquantity.
It is communication is key andyou want to be able to share the
responsibilities around thehouse.
Yep.
Men don't think that you areexempt just cause you're a man.
Mic drop or face punch.
(28:16):
One of the two.
I'm, I just, I, I struggle.
I struggle with Cause that's a,that's an, that's an older style
of, and it still works for somepeople because of the type of
jobs, right?
If you were home all day and youdidn't have to work, it would be
different.
Yeah.
But it would be, you're working,you're working part time.
(28:37):
So you can help Ben support thisfamily because that's just what
the, where we're at.
But if you are available and youare able to help, there's
nothing in you says you're notbabysitting your kids.
You're taking care of your ownkids.
If you have to watch your ownchildren, yes.
When you're not grocery shoppingfor a year, like I'm going
grocery shopping for my, justbecause I have to.
(28:57):
You're doing it because you havea family that needs to eat,
right?
You are able to help through onthese things and to walk through
these things with your wife and,and know what's going on.
Natalie (29:06):
And if your kids are older, share some of the
responsibility.
Maybe you're a single parent.
Get your kids involved.
Our kids are involved in theshared responsibilities.
Our kids are involved with like.
The focus and the budgeting andall of that so that they know,
like when I'm saying no, we'renot doing that.
It's not because I'm trying tobe mean.
(29:27):
It's because we have a goal inmind.
Yeah.
Right.
So get your kids involved.
Bryan (29:31):
I really enjoyed this, this last two episodes.
This was really good to see howit works out man.
But every time we, we kind ofwere like, Oh, I think we should
talk about this.
Cause it's a real thing.
I realized how much westruggled.
In some areas and some, not somuch.
Natalie (29:44):
And this is one of those areas where we still have
not arrived.
Bryan (29:49):
It's
Natalie (29:49):
not gone as good as good as struggles.
It was when we were younger, butwe still have to be so
intentional.
Yeah,
Bryan (29:55):
absolutely.
If you love amplified marriagepodcast, you mean so much to us
when you like it, when you shareit, when you let people know
about it, when you go ontoiTunes and you let people know,
and you leave us a review, youcan follow us on Instagram and
Facebook.
If you.
Have a topic or anything thatyou would love to discuss or a
(30:15):
particular area that you wouldlike us to lean into to focus in
on.
We would love for you to emailus again.
You can talk to us on Instagramemail us at amplified marriage
at gmail.
com.
And as you hear us say everyweek, we believe that marriage
can be reset, refreshed,recharged and restored.
(30:35):
Thanks so much for listening.
Talk
Natalie (30:36):
to you soon.
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