September 1, 2025 • 39 mins
Conscious dating means intentionally seeking a partner who aligns with your values, goals, and life vision while you continue to grow as a whole person outside the relationship.
• Dating yourself first and building a strong foundation of self-love before seeking a relationship
• Creating your "ice cream sundae" of life with a relationship as just the sprinkles on top
• Ensuring financial independence and strong social connections as protection against toxic relationships
• Identifying your core values, passions, and non-negotiables before entering the dating scene
• Recognizing red flags like love-bombing, extreme views about family members, and disrespect toward others
• Looking for green flags such as self-awareness, respect for your autonomy, and healthy communication
• Giving relationships at least three months to develop before making serious emotional commitments
• Dating apps can provide practice in identifying compatible qualities, but meeting organically often yields better results
• Being clear about boundaries and willing to walk away when your standards aren't met
Listen to Part 2 of this conversation where we'll dive deeper into conscious dating and how to move toward conscious commitment.
Thank you for tuning into And Still WE Rise! If you would like to learn more about me or the work our practice is doing, feel free to follow us on Instagram at:
@atltherapygirl and @risetherapycenter
Or check us out at www.risetherapycenter.com
Disclaimer: And Still We Rise is meant to provide perspective and meaningful conversations around mental health topics. It is not meant to provide specific therapeutic advise to individuals. If anything in these podcasts resonates, ASWR recommends consulting with your individual therapist or seeking a referral from your primary care physician.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hello and welcome to.
And Still we Rise.
I'm your host, christine Seidel, and today we have Allison
Robinson who is joining us, andwe are talking about conscious
dating.
Welcome, allison.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hi nice to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yes.
Well, before we begin, let meread just a little bit of bio on
Allison and then we'll kind ofjump into our topic.
Allison has a 12-yearbackground in the construction
industry, working primarily insales.
After going on her own healingjourney with the help of a
counselor and a few specializedcoaches, she made the decision
to change her career paths dueto the dramatic changes in her
(00:41):
life.
Once she began, she began herjourney back to school as a
recently divorced single mom atthe University of Phoenix, where
she got her degree inindustrial organizational
psychology.
That's a tongue twister.
She utilized skills and lessonslearned to build her own
business on consulting andcoaching small businesses and
began to provide coaching toindividuals who seek guidance
(01:03):
navigating their careers, datingand relationships.
She's currently in her graduateprogram at Liberty University,
becoming a licensed professionalcounselor in clinical mental
health.
As she works to complete herprogram, she's seeing clients as
a master's level clinician atRise Therapy Center.
She sees clients of all agesand works with clients with
anxiety, depression, personalitydisorders, PTSD all ages, and
(01:25):
works with clients with anxiety,depression, personality
disorders, PTSD, level one,autism, and is experienced in
play therapy.
She also loves working withcouples and clients who are
coming up for help navigatingdating and relationship, because
it provides a window to therelationship with the self.
This provides clients with helpnavigating relationship
problems while also learningmore about themselves and
growing in every area of theirlife.
(01:46):
Welcome, Allison Such a vastlevel of experience.
I've had the privilege ofworking with Allison at RISE
through supervision andconsultation.
I have to say her perspectiveon relationships and the self is
so deep and wide and she's beenjust such a just a wealth of
(02:08):
information and great support toher clients.
So I can't wait to talk aboutdating today.
So, with that being said,dating is I don't know if it's a
four letter word, but it feelslike that sometimes in this, in
this culture, and it's been sucha complicated thing for people
(02:29):
who are navigating the datingworld as as they seek connection
and relationship.
So how would you describeconscious dating Like?
What is it?
Why is it important to talkabout?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yeah, so conscious dating is intentional dating
about.
Yeah, so conscious dating isintentional dating.
It's knowing what qualities youwant in a partner and making
sure that the partner that youchoose matches your goals, your
values and can help you also getwhat you want out of life.
So you're growing together inpartnership.
So a lot of people will datebecause they want love and they
(03:04):
want a companion.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
And that's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
That's a human need.
We're built to be socialcreatures.
However, that's not the onlything that's important in a
relationship.
We want to have someone thathelps help us grow our lives,
help us become better people andhelp us reach our goals.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
It's so true and I feel like you know, when we're
developmentally at an age fordating, usually you know, like
in high school, where we have alittle bit more freedom, it was
so simple.
It feels like back then, whereit was like oh, we have a lot of
similarities and this, that andthe other, but as as you've had
life experiences and you knowrelationships that have been
(03:49):
unsuccessful, it is reallyimportant to become a lot more,
you know, conscious andintentional about how you're
showing up in dating and youknow there's a lot of different
narratives and ways that peoplewant to tell you how to do it.
So, before we even step intodating, what do you think is so
(04:11):
important, to kind of start with.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
The self, yeah, the self.
You want to make sure that yourrelationship with yourself is
healthy and growing in self-loveyourself is healthy and growing
in self love, because, you know, the beautiful thing about that
is we attract what we feelabout ourselves.
And you know some people feellike there's a spiritual level
(04:35):
to that, but there's also arational level, because when we
love ourselves, we're not goingto put up with someone who makes
us feel bad about ourselves.
And also, when we put thatself-love into ourself and grow
our self-concept and just growholistically as a person, we're
more likely to meet someonewho's also done that work,
because they're likely to bedating consciously and
(04:58):
intentionally and evaluating youjust the same as you're
evaluating them just the same asyou're evaluating them.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
I think that's such a key component of dating is is
are you a vessel for what it isthat you, you want in somebody
else?
And I think so many times inconversations with people, as
they're navigating thedifficulties and probably having
patterns of relationships youknow there'll be, like I want
somebody to make me feel this,that or the other.
And that's such a dangerousterritory to go into, because if
(05:31):
you don't feel thatintrinsically, how can somebody
make you feel that externally?
So you're right, I think thatis really important to to do
that self-work.
So what would you say are thekey components of doing that
self-work?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
So when I was kind of starting my journey, I had a
counselor tell me to make an icecream sundae.
And to do that.
She was like view relationshipsas the sprinkles on top.
So you've already got your icecream, you got your chocolate
syrup, you got all the toppings,all of that stuff and the the
(06:13):
person that you're dating isjust adding to what you already
have.
So you already are buildingthat foundation of safety within
yourself.
You know, you're working onyourself to making sure that
your safety needs are met.
You know you're housing foodand also like going into like a
(06:34):
sense of belonging, with socialconnections and just kind of
creating an environment whereyou feel fulfilled before you
start dating where you feelfulfilled before you start
dating.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, I like that narrative of you know, date
yourself first or like, enjoyyour own company first.
In my own experience it waskind of getting out of a very
toxic relationship and spendingso much time with, like myself
and you know, feeling andhearing myself again without the
(07:09):
enmeshment of a relationship,and working with my therapist to
kind of remember like who I am.
Outside of that enmeshment itreally became I genuinely
enjoyed my company.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
I thought it was hilarious.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I thought my jokes were so funny and and it you
know when I, when I was ready tobegin dating, I had to like, be
like okay, so if I'm going togo out with people, it has to be
that I I genuinely want toenjoy their company too, like if
I'm going to leave my owncompany with myself and like my
kids and my community, it wouldhave to be somebody that I
(07:44):
genuinely enjoyed it just asmuch or more, you know.
So I think that is such animportant component is learning
that that Sunday there's so muchunderneath that cherry, there's
so much sweetness and goodnessthat you have to explore before
(08:04):
the relationship gets to be thatextra component to it, and and
that that's healthy.
You know to take time to dothat, to to hear yourself again,
so like remember what it isthat you bring to the world and
and therefore to a relationship.
So I love that.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
And you know the ice cream.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
The ice cream sundae, you know, really does go with
those like hierarchy of needs,you know.
So what would be like thefoundational, like components
that you would want to seewithin yourself before you step
out into consciously dating?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
consciously dating.
Yeah, so you, you'd want tomake sure that you know you have
enough money to supportyourself.
And this is something that Iespecially stress to women,
because I see a lot of women whoare stuck in toxic
relationships because they feellike they can't leave
financially.
Another thing is the socialaspect.
You know, if someone feelsisolated they don't have that
sense of belonging in thecommunity then they're going to
(09:09):
stay in situations that may noteven be necessarily toxic, but
they're not really good for them.
They're not growing, they arenot getting their needs met.
So I think those are definitelythe biggest things.
It's making sure that you feelsafe and secure, you have enough
money to support yourself, youhave that social connection, and
(09:30):
and then going up in thehierarchy of the Maslow's
pyramid you know, we got a selfactualization, you know we feel
confident about ourselves.
We have self esteem to where youknow.
If someone's talking badlyabout us, it's just like that's
not me Like yeah, yeah, yeah,and you're just gonna like not
(09:51):
tolerate that you know and.
I liked how you mentioned youknow the toxic relationship
because when, I think about theSunday.
I think about you know youbuilt it, and what if there's
like some poisonous sprinklesout there and you got this great
sunday like?
Speaker 1 (10:08):
you're not gonna build the sunday.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
For maybe months, years, you're working to create
it, you know yeah yeah, andyou're gonna evaluate okay, like
, let me like check this forandy let me do my do.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Does this have an expiration date on it?
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, because you know you have a happy life,
you're feeling fulfilled and youwant to protect that.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
And I think that you know, when you talk about like,
safety, like and really being,you know, do almost like an
assessment of your life, take aninventory of like, how secure
and stable is my foundation,meaning my finances, my
relationships with you know,very safe and stable place that
(10:58):
I can't be influenced to becauseI need security, and I think
that's a very important thing totake an inventory on.
And your, you know, commentabout belonging and having
community.
You know, sometimes like we canget caught up, you know, in
(11:23):
somebody's narrative and that'swhy I say it's really important
to date somebody over a periodof time to see consistently who
they are before you jump intolike a major commitment.
Community helps us see thethings that maybe we don't see
and if we don't have a sense ofbelonging, a sense of community,
that's very protective of usand we belong to that and we are
(11:44):
one with them.
We may not have that.
That, that chamber that is goingto to send the messages to us
that like, hey, like, I'm notokay with the way that they
treated you in this, that'sthat's concerning to me.
Or, hey, that's a really goodperson, you know, like, like, I
(12:04):
love that they, like you know,showed up for you in that way,
like they're going to echo whatit is that we need to hear.
But if we don't have that, weget stuck in this like vacuum of
just whatever the interactionis between the two.
So I think, you know, safetyand belonging have to be there
before we can step out.
And I love the sprinkles, likeeverything we have underneath.
(12:28):
It is so sweet and it's so goodand it's so yummy.
Whatever we put on top of it,we want to make sure is is
adding to it and that it's not.
It hasn't passed its expirationdate or we're not allergic to
it.
Like we look like at thetoppings and we're like, let me
see what there is, and let mechoose so that it doesn't it
(12:49):
doesn't take something that I'mreally excited about and turns
it into something that that endsup, you know, being gross and I
throw it away, which I feellike sometimes we have to do
that.
So when you are like at thatplace where you've done some
self-work, you feel confidentgoing into the dating world, you
(13:10):
have the community and thesafety.
How do you start focusing ondating, like how?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
do you take?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
those steps.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
So something that I did was I kind of broke it down
into different categories.
And I was like how do I want tofeel in a relationship?
What are the emotions that Iwant to feel?
What qualities do I want in aperson?
And those lists were.
They're fine tuned over time asyou're dating, and learning is
(13:40):
before you even start thinkingabout what qualities you want.
What do you want out of life?
What are your passions?
What are your goals?
What are your interests?
What do you value?
You know, are you someone whoreally values like social causes
?
You know, is that important toyou?
Where you want someone who isalso very socially proactive,
(14:01):
and then you guys can grow inthat together.
And and something that you knowI went into when I was being
very intentional was I was likeokay, as I'm dating, I want to
make sure that this is addingright.
So, at the same time, though, Ialso wanted to create a life
(14:25):
where, you know, at the end ofit, whenever that may be, I can
look back whether or not I evermeet a partner and say that was
a life well lived.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Like I enjoyed that.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I love who I am.
I love what I did.
I love the experiences that Ihad.
I loved and been loved.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
You know maybe even not in the romantic sense is not
(15:07):
to become like dependent andcodependent, but we want
interdependence, meaning like wehave such a sense of self that
we go out in this world and welive with intention and we serve
with purpose and we are lit upin the things that we are doing
and being and bringing forth.
And then we come to therelationship and that's where we
get to share, like in therichness of that and, and you
know, we get to dwell in theirsand they and ours, and you know.
(15:30):
but ultimately it's to be inthis world as yourself, full of
life and and content in howyou're navigating it and being
really clear on what it is thatyou want to experience within a
relationship, and I love thatyou didn't say well, I want them
(15:51):
to make me feel this way, butyou're like how do?
I want to feel in a relationship, how do I want to be embodied
while experiencing arelationship?
Okay, so we've kind of talkedabout the self and like how we
want to be and like within arelationship, how we want to
feel, how we want to be able tobe in this world.
(16:12):
So, okay, now that now the goodstuff how do we start looking
towards potential partners?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, now that we've kind of evaluated, like, what
you want out of life, what yourvalues and goals are, where is
someone like that going to be?
Are you going to meet them atthe gym?
Are you going to meet them atnetworking events?
Are you just going to be likeout and about or some type of
hobby?
Because if you're datingsomeone or you're going to date
(16:43):
someone that has similar goalsand Mm hmm, I think that's
that's interesting, that you'resaying.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That is like so people get very fixated on, you
know, meeting somebody.
They're like, we're so similar,we really, we love the same
things, we have the same beliefs.
You know, we're on the samepage in politics this, that and
the other and the other.
(17:15):
And then they ultimately getbored.
Or they're like oh, I metsomebody.
It's just like this insanechemistry and there's so much
passion and yet like completelydissimilar people.
So how do you?
You know you could go and youcould look at all these similar
places, but like, how do youdetermine what's a healthy
connection, what's not a healthyconnection?
How do?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
you determine what's a healthy connection, what's not
a healthy connection.
So that just takes a lot oftime.
You're I mean you're alsoasking them the questions, like,
as you're going through thedating process, you're having
these conversations like wheredo you want to go in life?
Like what makes you happy?
Like what, what dislikes do youhave?
And it takes a while and I tryto tell people try to wait three
(17:57):
months before you fall and andthat's hard, you know, yeah,
yeah like reel it back in for atleast three months, as much as
you can, because you reallydon't know someone, and so you
dated them for at least threemonths, and then you're still
learning but, especially likethe first few dates, like, um,
I'll, I'll talk to people andthey're like, oh my god, like we
had our first or second dateand he's so great, like all this
(18:20):
stuff, and I'm like he's stilla stranger, you know yeah yeah,
he could be amazing.
Um, and I'm not discounting thatpossibility, but like let's,
let's reel it back in.
And you know, because somethingthat happens is we get in this
fixed mindset and we see, wemeet this person and we identify
(18:41):
with them to be amazing, wecreate this story around it and
then they start acting in waysthat are not amazing, but we
discount those truths, becausewe're like, no, like he's great.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
And then it can take years sometimes for people to
realize like, oh my gosh likeI'm, in love with a fantasy yeah
, that was actually very shortin the season of of getting to
know somebody, and I heardsomebody once say, like you know
, we have three different waysof looking at like our intimate
(19:16):
relationships.
We have like compatibility,where we really do have a lot of
similarities.
We can navigate a lot of life'shighs and lows in ways that
like support a relationship.
Then we have chemistry, whichis like this intense passion and
this really drawing together,but it could also have, like you
(19:40):
know, some some strong pullsback, like some retractions and
contractions.
But what we're really seeking isthe thing that's in between in
the Venn diagram and that'sconnection, which means that we
can be and navigate life in avery compatible way, but not so
much that it negates thechemistry and the stuck in
(20:00):
something that is so fixed andrigid that the compatibility has
to last the entire you knowlength of the relationship and
(20:22):
the chemistry doesn't have tolast the entire length of our
lives, but that we can.
We can wax and wane in thoseareas because ultimately what
we've built is this connection,which takes time to build.
It takes different situationsand life's highs and lows to
navigate together, to see whatyou have in those areas, and I
(20:44):
think that's probably one of thebest pieces of advice is that
you really do need to see whosomebody is over a period of
time and build that consistencyof of who they are and who you
are in in that, in thatrelationship, or in that, in
those interactions.
So so you said something aboutlike going to similar places.
(21:08):
How do you, how do you do thisif you're on dating apps?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
The question that everybody wants to know yes, um
dating apps, I so I think it's,if you can, I think it's it's
better to meet people in person.
Um, I think that there's.
There's just a higher successrate there and um and I'm not
negating dating apps I've, I've,um, you know, talked to people
(21:34):
and they're like, oh no, like Imet my husband on tinder, like
we knew first night, and it'slike that's, you know, that's
great and that happensfrequently.
But I think, when we look atall the matches that we get on
dating apps, like the numbers ofsuccess are still pretty low
versus um the people that kindof meet people out, just kind of
(21:56):
living life doing the thingsthat they like.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah Well, and I think that, like that kind of
goes to like knowing yourself,like knowing yourself and like
you know, regardless of whatarea you step into, like know
yourself.
And so what about, like, ifyou're you know you're looking
for a partner, you're lookingfor qualities and similarities,
(22:21):
what's important to know aboutin terms of like, what you're
not willing to accept?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I think knowing like what you're not willing to
change about yourself too,knowing like what you're not
willing to change about yourselftoo, um, because there's some
people that they have different,um things that they want out of
life and they might wantsomeone who is more reserved and
you might have a bigpersonality and they might be
like you know what, I don't likeyou going out with your friends
(22:51):
that much, I don't like whatyou're wearing.
And then you might say, like,is this something that I'm
willing to compromise on?
Like, is this something that Iwant to change about myself?
So, that can be a list likesomething.
That's kind of like you knowwhat.
I just don't think we'recompatible.
And another thing, too, iscreating like a list of just
(23:16):
things that you're just notwilling to put up with anymore,
like I am not okay with beingcursed at Like that's my first
time we're done.
I don't want to be screamed atfirst time we're done.
And cheating is another bigthing.
You know, yeah, you know we'rejust over at that point thing.
(23:36):
You know, yeah, first you knowwe're just we're just over at
that point.
Um, and just being veryspecific with what you will and
will not put up with, becausethat helps us as we're dating,
we have that list and we meetsomeone and we they're really
amazing, but they have this onething and that's on our list of
no's and you know, sometimesit's like, you know, I told
myself before I met this personthis was something I was not
(23:56):
going to put up with and thenyou might have to cut someone
off that you you actually reallylove.
Yeah, and it's hard, but yeah,you know you have to be
confident in yourself that youcan also meet someone with those
same qualities that you reallylike about that person, but that
also doesn't do that thing thatyou're just not willing to deal
with anymore.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Well, and I think that's a really important step
that, like, if you are in asituation in life where you do
need to utilize online dating ormatchmaking or dating apps,
that you're very, very clear onwhat you are not willing to
allow into your life withsomebody you know, like if that,
(24:41):
if somebody has this quality orthose qualities or you have an
interaction that you knowmirrors something that maybe
it's not on your list but you'relike that feels very similar to
that, you are quick to to movethrough, not giving any too much
time or or attention.
I know when I went into dating,you know it was very
(25:05):
intentional to have phone callsor, you know, coffee dates or
whatever as quick meetups, andit's something that continued to
show up with a lot of people Iwas I was going on these dates
with was just taking these likemicro digs at me, being a
therapist, which I knew was liketheir way of trying to, or
(25:28):
maybe they felt really insecureabout the fact that that's what
I did, but I was very quick tobe like I'm sorry, this, this is
not going to work.
I'm not going to allow somebodyto take something that I find
such passion and purpose andmission in to to kind of like
take digs at it.
Just that's immature and showsinsecurity, and so I was very
quick to like move out of thatbecause I understood the dating
(25:49):
apps have a lot of people onthere that, good or not so good,
are not going to be goodmatches for me, and so it was.
It was once you're clear onwhat those those qualities are
and you see them and you allowyourself the, the and give
yourself permission to likerelease that sooner than later,
even if you've had goodconversations in the past, that
(26:12):
helps you really.
Even if you've had goodconversations in the past, that
helps you really.
You know, hold a space for notbeing able to participate in a
dating in a, in a dynamic that'sthat has a lot of like
unhealthy people out there.
You know, like you said,meeting somebody organically has
a higher rate of relationshipsbecause people are organically
going out there investing insomething that they value,
(26:36):
whereas dating apps and onlinedating, the only investment is
just a page and the monthlysubscription fee you're paying
and there's not a realinvestment in that.
But there I'm sure are goodpeople out there.
But I think that's a reallygood point of you know when you
are clear and what you're notwilling to accept and you take
(26:56):
action from that place.
You know you're going to movethrough dating in a healthier
way than not.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Yeah, and something about dating apps.
I'm not knocking them, I thinkthey definitely have their place
.
So something that was told tome when I was kind of on dating
apps and then going out andtrying to meet people
organically as well, is usingdating apps as kind of like
practice, and it's the same waywhen you're meeting people
(27:24):
organically.
But I think that the datingapps have a little bit more of
that practice aspect becauseyou're getting more reps in and
while you're doing that, you'repracticing how you're vetting
these people you're learningmore about yourself.
What qualities do you reallylike?
Because I remember one time Imet someone and we were super
compatible, like super, supergood connection, but they was
(27:47):
like one thing where we just,like you know long distance.
We're not going to toleratethat, not willing to do.
But I took that and I was likeI really like all of these
qualities about this person.
So I'm going to take thatknowledge.
I'm going to find someone likethat.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's.
I think that's a great, a greatway to look at them, especially
for people who maybe have veryrigid like beliefs around dating
.
Like maybe, while they're doingsome of that work around, like
I only date this type of personthey have to be this tall, like
going and just meeting andtalking to people in the space
(28:24):
of dating.
You know one of my really goodfriends I met and went on a date
with.
We're like you know, we'reactually like kind of friends
like this.
This feels like a good friendvibe and has ended up being a
really great part of my supportsystem.
So, like I love that.
You say practice is just gettingout there and being in the
energy of dating and learningmore about yourself through who
(28:45):
and what qualities you couldreally like find attractive and
desire, but also what's like notfor you and you're not going to
like tolerate or give or investany more time.
And so I think, yeah, notknocking the dating apps.
I think everybody who's been in, who's been in the dating game
and have done dating apps, wouldunderstand they would love
(29:06):
somebody organically.
But yes, it's, it's definitelysomething that can be used as a
tool.
Red flags, green flags, yellowflags, since we're talking about
dance and I think those two gotogether.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Absolutely, absolutely yeah so, um, yeah, a
big thing that you want to lookout for is being love-bombed.
Um, I think that is one of thebiggest red flags, where someone
you know it's first date andlike, oh my gosh, like I, you
know, want to marry you, like Iwant to take you here, I want to
(29:40):
do this and, like you know, as,as you start dating more and
kind of learning patterns, it'slike you'll see that those
people fizzle out quick, likethey start out real hot and
heavy, but you really should begrowing in love and connection.
(30:01):
It should not start out likethat in a sense and then also
looking out for things like dothey put you down?
What's their relationship likewith?
their mother is a huge one,mother and father because, how
they feel about their parents,um you know whether it's, they
were absolutely perfect or theywere, you know, the worst people
.
Both of those extremes can tellyou a lot about how they're
(30:24):
going to interact with you yeah,because yeah you know, coming
from a woman's perspective anddating, dating men um, if his
mom can do no wrong and she'sthe perfect person you know, the
pattern that I learned was I'llnever be able to meet that
standard.
If she was the worst person andcould do nothing right, then I
(30:46):
was going to be punished throughher, like his relationship with
his mom it was.
I was always going to be wrong.
I was, and so, um, yeah, sothat that can tell us a lot, um,
kind of being able to viewparents as um not being black
and white, but like, oh, youknow, they have these amazing
(31:06):
qualities, but they also were,you know, traumatizing in these
ways.
Yeah, and yeah and that's kindof not talking about extreme
examples of abuse and neglect,because that's a whole
conversation right um right,yeah, so, um, yeah, just
learning about those things howdo they treat people when you're
like going out?
Um, how are they kind to thewaitress?
(31:28):
Do they hold the door for likethe next person walking in just?
right right that you can pick upon um and how they talk about
other people because, um,sometimes, especially with those
people who tend to love bomb,they are talking very highly
about you and, if you notice,sometimes they're like really
(31:51):
mean and they talk negativelyabout everybody else so that's
kind of how you can tell thatdifference, sometimes because
you know it's not genuine,because how could they be so
infatuated with you right offthe get-go that have, all the
same, so many people?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Mm.
Hmm, yeah, I think it is.
It's really important in thatdating phase to really listen to
what are their relationshipswith the people that are in
their lives, so parents, friends, past partners, like, how do
they talk about past partners?
You know, what is it really ifthey have children, what is
(32:31):
their relationship with children?
So, really looking to hear andunderstand what is this person's
relationship with other peoplethat would be part of that
community, you know, and, likeyou said, not having that black
and white, but showing thespectrum of perspectives of
being like, yeah, it didn't workout with us.
(32:53):
Perspectives of being like,yeah, it didn't work out with us
, we had this, that and theother go on in our relationship.
But we've really learned how tonavigate the parenting our
child or whatever.
Can they?
Can they see the, the realityof, of relationships, or is it
all in an extreme?
And, yes, how do they treatother people?
How do they?
How do they navigate conflict?
(33:13):
You know, like, how quickly dothey want to commit?
That's a big one too.
I think one of the mostinteresting things in my own
journey, you know, in finding mypartner, was that, you know,
when he realized he wanted todate exclusively, he was like,
hey, I just want you to know I'm.
I'm really not going toentertain dating anybody else,
but you take the time you needand you know, I just want you to
(33:36):
know.
That's where I'm at.
And that was nice, like tostill have permission in the
relationship.
That was, I was still needingto see who he was and other
people were over a period oftime and that was very mature.
And that was very mature.
It was a mature thing to saythat he didn't need my
commitment, that he was justdisclosing, that.
(33:59):
This was where he was at and Icould come to that at the point
that I was ready and if I wasn't, that you know, I just needed
to communicate that and I waslike, wow, that's actually
really nice and it was anappropriate amount of time.
So I think, yes, not trying toget something from the other
person too quickly at too highof a level, those are definitely
(34:20):
big red flags to be watchingout for.
And ultimately, you know,understanding people,
understanding their attachmentpatterns I think that goes to
like what you're saying withfamily members.
Relationship with familymembers is do they, do they
understand themselves in arelationship?
And if they don't, that's a bigred flag, because that will
play out over and over and overagain.
So I think those are greatthings to really be looking out
(34:43):
for and probably what are someof their.
What behaviors are you noticingwhat things are popping up?
Are they talking aboutfinancial hardships?
Are they talking about negativemindset?
Are you seeing these?
You know what things arepopping up.
Are they talking aboutfinancial hardships?
Are they talking about, likeyou know, like negative mindset?
Are you seeing these thingsplay out?
But, again, you don't see thatunless you're giving them a
(35:03):
period of time for that to playout with some consistency.
So, all great things to belooking out for.
So can you tell me some greenflags that we can actually be
like?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
yay, Aware of their flaws and willing to share them
is a huge thing.
So you were, you definitelyshared a green flag with your
partner where he was like hey,like this is where I'm at, but
he gave you that autonomy andthat time to choose and didn't
(35:36):
view you as like an object topossess.
It was like I'm going to giveyou time and and that was
something that my currentpartner did with me as well, as
you know, we had thoseconversations, um, you know,
maybe we're not ready to likecommit in a relationship but,
like you know, I'm not reallyseeing anyone else at the moment
, type of thing but we're stillkind of evaluating each other
(35:58):
and you know you mentionedattachment too, and being aware
of attachment patterns is like ahuge thing.
Because, you know my currentpartner too.
He tends to be avoidant and heshared that with me.
He's like this is my pattern.
I'm working through it.
Let me know if you ever feelthat for me so that I can adjust
(36:21):
.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Wow, yeah, yeah, that's amazing yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Yeah, and then, and not only that, but like just
other, like hey, like you know,I with my partner too, I have
ADHD.
They're like hey, like you know, I with my partner too, I have
ADHD.
I'm very like my space seemsdisorganized sometimes because I
function better when I seeeverything out.
And I'm like hey, like this,like I get like messy sometimes,
let me know if it's ever toomuch.
(36:48):
And he's like no, I'll just workaround that you know we might
not like about each other.
Um, necessarily it's like, it'slike, no, like I still, I still
love every part of you.
I'm just gonna create likelittle barriers for like so that
you know you can compromise andand um and feel so fulfilled,
(37:11):
so they're not gonna be likeputting you down for things that
you know, are just a part ofyou.
They're just like okay, likehow's the way that, how's the
way that we can work around thisissue together?
Speaker 1 (37:22):
And it's not a task.
Yeah, and you know, I thinkthat's such a beautiful thing,
especially when you step intothe space of vulnerability to
acknowledge something aboutyourself that maybe is, is
something in the past, somebodyelse has maybe attached you on
or whatever, and somebody meetsyou with grace and meets you
(37:42):
with you know, permission to beyourself and solutions on how to
protect the relationship withinthat.
So all good stuff.
I know we're kind of runningout of time, but we have so much
more to talk about in dating.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
I know we do?
Speaker 1 (37:59):
I know you know it's one of those things that it's a
hot topic and there are so manypeople out there that will be
like well, this is my programyou have to follow, and I know
we kind of want to get into thattoo.
So I feel like we need likepart two, part three, part four.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yeah, yeah, just to get to get deeper into it.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Yeah, so I know we definitely want to talk about
like conscious commitment comingup, but I think it would be
great to talk about like alittle bit more in that dating
phase and then how to get tothat conscious commitment.
So for everybody out there thankyou for listening Know that
we're having a part two andprobably part three coming out.
I'm going to put you knowAllison's contact information,
(38:43):
her socials.
I've known Allison for a coupleof years and I have to tell you
she is very tenacious in herown self-work, which has made
her such a great resource forothers who are doing this.
And I know she works withcouples, she works with
individuals, she works withchildren, especially
understanding that attachmentcomponent.
So please feel free to reachout, schedule an appointment
(39:10):
with her, a consult.
She's just a ray of sunshinewhen it comes to helping you
navigate just your concept ofself and how to be in healthy
relationships.
So thank you for listening,thank you for watching Allison,
thank you for joining us.
I can't wait to have you back.
Thank you for having me.
Absolutely, we'll see you guysnext time.
Hello and welcome to.
And Still we Rise.
I'm your host, christine Seidel, and today we have Allison
Robinson who is joining us, andwe are talking about conscious
dating.
Welcome, allison.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Hi nice to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Yes.
Well, before we begin, let meread just a little bit of bio on
Allison and then we'll kind ofjump into our topic.
Allison has a 12-yearbackground in the construction
industry, working primarily insales.
After going on her own healingjourney with the help of a
counselor and a few specializedcoaches, she made the decision
to change her career paths dueto the dramatic changes in her
(00:41):
life.
Once she began, she began herjourney back to school as a
recently divorced single mom atthe University of Phoenix, where
she got her degree inindustrial organizational
psychology.
That's a tongue twister.
She utilized skills and lessonslearned to build her own
business on consulting andcoaching small businesses and
began to provide coaching toindividuals who seek guidance
(01:03):
navigating their careers, datingand relationships.
She's currently in her graduateprogram at Liberty University,
becoming a licensed professionalcounselor in clinical mental
health.
As she works to complete herprogram, she's seeing clients as
a master's level clinician atRise Therapy Center.
She sees clients of all agesand works with clients with
anxiety, depression, personalitydisorders, PTSD all ages, and
(01:25):
works with clients with anxiety,depression, personality
disorders, PTSD, level one,autism, and is experienced in
play therapy.
She also loves working withcouples and clients who are
coming up for help navigatingdating and relationship, because
it provides a window to therelationship with the self.
This provides clients with helpnavigating relationship
problems while also learningmore about themselves and
growing in every area of theirlife.
(01:46):
Welcome, Allison Such a vastlevel of experience.
I've had the privilege ofworking with Allison at RISE
through supervision andconsultation.
I have to say her perspectiveon relationships and the self is
so deep and wide and she's beenjust such a just a wealth of
(02:08):
information and great support toher clients.
So I can't wait to talk aboutdating today.
So, with that being said,dating is I don't know if it's a
four letter word, but it feelslike that sometimes in this, in
this culture, and it's been sucha complicated thing for people
(02:29):
who are navigating the datingworld as as they seek connection
and relationship.
So how would you describeconscious dating Like?
What is it?
Why is it important to talkabout?
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yeah, so conscious dating is intentional dating
about.
Yeah, so conscious dating isintentional dating.
It's knowing what qualities youwant in a partner and making
sure that the partner that youchoose matches your goals, your
values and can help you also getwhat you want out of life.
So you're growing together inpartnership.
So a lot of people will datebecause they want love and they
(03:04):
want a companion.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
And that's wonderful.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
That's a human need.
We're built to be socialcreatures.
However, that's not the onlything that's important in a
relationship.
We want to have someone thathelps help us grow our lives,
help us become better people andhelp us reach our goals.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
It's so true and I feel like you know, when we're
developmentally at an age fordating, usually you know, like
in high school, where we have alittle bit more freedom, it was
so simple.
It feels like back then, whereit was like oh, we have a lot of
similarities and this, that andthe other, but as as you've had
life experiences and you knowrelationships that have been
(03:49):
unsuccessful, it is reallyimportant to become a lot more,
you know, conscious andintentional about how you're
showing up in dating and youknow there's a lot of different
narratives and ways that peoplewant to tell you how to do it.
So, before we even step intodating, what do you think is so
(04:11):
important, to kind of start with.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
The self, yeah, the self.
You want to make sure that yourrelationship with yourself is
healthy and growing in self-loveyourself is healthy and growing
in self love, because, you know, the beautiful thing about that
is we attract what we feelabout ourselves.
And you know some people feellike there's a spiritual level
(04:35):
to that, but there's also arational level, because when we
love ourselves, we're not goingto put up with someone who makes
us feel bad about ourselves.
And also, when we put thatself-love into ourself and grow
our self-concept and just growholistically as a person, we're
more likely to meet someonewho's also done that work,
because they're likely to bedating consciously and
(04:58):
intentionally and evaluating youjust the same as you're
evaluating them just the same asyou're evaluating them.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
I think that's such a key component of dating is is
are you a vessel for what it isthat you, you want in somebody
else?
And I think so many times inconversations with people, as
they're navigating thedifficulties and probably having
patterns of relationships youknow there'll be, like I want
somebody to make me feel this,that or the other.
And that's such a dangerousterritory to go into, because if
(05:31):
you don't feel thatintrinsically, how can somebody
make you feel that externally?
So you're right, I think thatis really important to to do
that self-work.
So what would you say are thekey components of doing that
self-work?
Speaker 2 (05:50):
So when I was kind of starting my journey, I had a
counselor tell me to make an icecream sundae.
And to do that.
She was like view relationshipsas the sprinkles on top.
So you've already got your icecream, you got your chocolate
syrup, you got all the toppings,all of that stuff and the the
(06:13):
person that you're dating isjust adding to what you already
have.
So you already are buildingthat foundation of safety within
yourself.
You know, you're working onyourself to making sure that
your safety needs are met.
You know you're housing foodand also like going into like a
(06:34):
sense of belonging, with socialconnections and just kind of
creating an environment whereyou feel fulfilled before you
start dating where you feelfulfilled before you start
dating.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, I like that narrative of you know, date
yourself first or like, enjoyyour own company first.
In my own experience it waskind of getting out of a very
toxic relationship and spendingso much time with, like myself
and you know, feeling andhearing myself again without the
(07:09):
enmeshment of a relationship,and working with my therapist to
kind of remember like who I am.
Outside of that enmeshment itreally became I genuinely
enjoyed my company.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
I thought it was hilarious.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
I thought my jokes were so funny and and it you
know when I, when I was ready tobegin dating, I had to like, be
like okay, so if I'm going togo out with people, it has to be
that I I genuinely want toenjoy their company too, like if
I'm going to leave my owncompany with myself and like my
kids and my community, it wouldhave to be somebody that I
(07:44):
genuinely enjoyed it just asmuch or more, you know.
So I think that is such animportant component is learning
that that Sunday there's so muchunderneath that cherry, there's
so much sweetness and goodnessthat you have to explore before
(08:04):
the relationship gets to be thatextra component to it, and and
that that's healthy.
You know to take time to dothat, to to hear yourself again,
so like remember what it isthat you bring to the world and
and therefore to a relationship.
So I love that.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (08:23):
And you know the ice cream.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
The ice cream sundae, you know, really does go with
those like hierarchy of needs,you know.
So what would be like thefoundational, like components
that you would want to seewithin yourself before you step
out into consciously dating?
Speaker 2 (08:46):
consciously dating.
Yeah, so you, you'd want tomake sure that you know you have
enough money to supportyourself.
And this is something that Iespecially stress to women,
because I see a lot of women whoare stuck in toxic
relationships because they feellike they can't leave
financially.
Another thing is the socialaspect.
You know, if someone feelsisolated they don't have that
sense of belonging in thecommunity then they're going to
(09:09):
stay in situations that may noteven be necessarily toxic, but
they're not really good for them.
They're not growing, they arenot getting their needs met.
So I think those are definitelythe biggest things.
It's making sure that you feelsafe and secure, you have enough
money to support yourself, youhave that social connection, and
(09:30):
and then going up in thehierarchy of the Maslow's
pyramid you know, we got a selfactualization, you know we feel
confident about ourselves.
We have self esteem to where youknow.
If someone's talking badlyabout us, it's just like that's
not me Like yeah, yeah, yeah,and you're just gonna like not
(09:51):
tolerate that you know and.
I liked how you mentioned youknow the toxic relationship
because when, I think about theSunday.
I think about you know youbuilt it, and what if there's
like some poisonous sprinklesout there and you got this great
sunday like?
Speaker 1 (10:08):
you're not gonna build the sunday.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
For maybe months, years, you're working to create
it, you know yeah yeah, andyou're gonna evaluate okay, like
, let me like check this forandy let me do my do.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Does this have an expiration date on it?
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Yeah, because you know you have a happy life,
you're feeling fulfilled and youwant to protect that.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
And I think that you know, when you talk about like,
safety, like and really being,you know, do almost like an
assessment of your life, take aninventory of like, how secure
and stable is my foundation,meaning my finances, my
relationships with you know,very safe and stable place that
(10:58):
I can't be influenced to becauseI need security, and I think
that's a very important thing totake an inventory on.
And your, you know, commentabout belonging and having
community.
You know, sometimes like we canget caught up, you know, in
(11:23):
somebody's narrative and that'swhy I say it's really important
to date somebody over a periodof time to see consistently who
they are before you jump intolike a major commitment.
Community helps us see thethings that maybe we don't see
and if we don't have a sense ofbelonging, a sense of community,
that's very protective of usand we belong to that and we are
(11:44):
one with them.
We may not have that.
That, that chamber that is goingto to send the messages to us
that like, hey, like, I'm notokay with the way that they
treated you in this, that'sthat's concerning to me.
Or, hey, that's a really goodperson, you know, like, like, I
(12:04):
love that they, like you know,showed up for you in that way,
like they're going to echo whatit is that we need to hear.
But if we don't have that, weget stuck in this like vacuum of
just whatever the interactionis between the two.
So I think, you know, safetyand belonging have to be there
before we can step out.
And I love the sprinkles, likeeverything we have underneath.
(12:28):
It is so sweet and it's so goodand it's so yummy.
Whatever we put on top of it,we want to make sure is is
adding to it and that it's not.
It hasn't passed its expirationdate or we're not allergic to
it.
Like we look like at thetoppings and we're like, let me
see what there is, and let mechoose so that it doesn't it
(12:49):
doesn't take something that I'mreally excited about and turns
it into something that that endsup, you know, being gross and I
throw it away, which I feellike sometimes we have to do
that.
So when you are like at thatplace where you've done some
self-work, you feel confidentgoing into the dating world, you
(13:10):
have the community and thesafety.
How do you start focusing ondating, like how?
Speaker 2 (13:17):
do you take?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
those steps.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
So something that I did was I kind of broke it down
into different categories.
And I was like how do I want tofeel in a relationship?
What are the emotions that Iwant to feel?
What qualities do I want in aperson?
And those lists were.
They're fine tuned over time asyou're dating, and learning is
(13:40):
before you even start thinkingabout what qualities you want.
What do you want out of life?
What are your passions?
What are your goals?
What are your interests?
What do you value?
You know, are you someone whoreally values like social causes
?
You know, is that important toyou?
Where you want someone who isalso very socially proactive,
(14:01):
and then you guys can grow inthat together.
And and something that you knowI went into when I was being
very intentional was I was likeokay, as I'm dating, I want to
make sure that this is addingright.
So, at the same time, though, Ialso wanted to create a life
(14:25):
where, you know, at the end ofit, whenever that may be, I can
look back whether or not I evermeet a partner and say that was
a life well lived.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Like I enjoyed that.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
I love who I am.
I love what I did.
I love the experiences that Ihad.
I loved and been loved.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
You know maybe even not in the romantic sense is not
(15:07):
to become like dependent andcodependent, but we want
interdependence, meaning like wehave such a sense of self that
we go out in this world and welive with intention and we serve
with purpose and we are lit upin the things that we are doing
and being and bringing forth.
And then we come to therelationship and that's where we
get to share, like in therichness of that and, and you
know, we get to dwell in theirsand they and ours, and you know.
(15:30):
but ultimately it's to be inthis world as yourself, full of
life and and content in howyou're navigating it and being
really clear on what it is thatyou want to experience within a
relationship, and I love thatyou didn't say well, I want them
(15:51):
to make me feel this way, butyou're like how do?
I want to feel in a relationship, how do I want to be embodied
while experiencing arelationship?
Okay, so we've kind of talkedabout the self and like how we
want to be and like within arelationship, how we want to
feel, how we want to be able tobe in this world.
(16:12):
So, okay, now that now the goodstuff how do we start looking
towards potential partners?
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Well, now that we've kind of evaluated, like, what
you want out of life, what yourvalues and goals are, where is
someone like that going to be?
Are you going to meet them atthe gym?
Are you going to meet them atnetworking events?
Are you just going to be likeout and about or some type of
hobby?
Because if you're datingsomeone or you're going to date
(16:43):
someone that has similar goalsand Mm hmm, I think that's
that's interesting, that you'resaying.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That is like so people get very fixated on, you
know, meeting somebody.
They're like, we're so similar,we really, we love the same
things, we have the same beliefs.
You know, we're on the samepage in politics this, that and
the other and the other.
(17:15):
And then they ultimately getbored.
Or they're like oh, I metsomebody.
It's just like this insanechemistry and there's so much
passion and yet like completelydissimilar people.
So how do you?
You know you could go and youcould look at all these similar
places, but like, how do youdetermine what's a healthy
connection, what's not a healthyconnection?
How do?
Speaker 2 (17:34):
you determine what's a healthy connection, what's not
a healthy connection.
So that just takes a lot oftime.
You're I mean you're alsoasking them the questions, like,
as you're going through thedating process, you're having
these conversations like wheredo you want to go in life?
Like what makes you happy?
Like what, what dislikes do youhave?
And it takes a while and I tryto tell people try to wait three
(17:57):
months before you fall and andthat's hard, you know, yeah,
yeah like reel it back in for atleast three months, as much as
you can, because you reallydon't know someone, and so you
dated them for at least threemonths, and then you're still
learning but, especially likethe first few dates, like, um,
I'll, I'll talk to people andthey're like, oh my god, like we
had our first or second dateand he's so great, like all this
(18:20):
stuff, and I'm like he's stilla stranger, you know yeah yeah,
he could be amazing.
Um, and I'm not discounting thatpossibility, but like let's,
let's reel it back in.
And you know, because somethingthat happens is we get in this
fixed mindset and we see, wemeet this person and we identify
(18:41):
with them to be amazing, wecreate this story around it and
then they start acting in waysthat are not amazing, but we
discount those truths, becausewe're like, no, like he's great.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
And then it can take years sometimes for people to
realize like, oh my gosh likeI'm, in love with a fantasy yeah
, that was actually very shortin the season of of getting to
know somebody, and I heardsomebody once say, like you know
, we have three different waysof looking at like our intimate
(19:16):
relationships.
We have like compatibility,where we really do have a lot of
similarities.
We can navigate a lot of life'shighs and lows in ways that
like support a relationship.
Then we have chemistry, whichis like this intense passion and
this really drawing together,but it could also have, like you
(19:40):
know, some some strong pullsback, like some retractions and
contractions.
But what we're really seeking isthe thing that's in between in
the Venn diagram and that'sconnection, which means that we
can be and navigate life in avery compatible way, but not so
much that it negates thechemistry and the stuck in
(20:00):
something that is so fixed andrigid that the compatibility has
to last the entire you knowlength of the relationship and
(20:22):
the chemistry doesn't have tolast the entire length of our
lives, but that we can.
We can wax and wane in thoseareas because ultimately what
we've built is this connection,which takes time to build.
It takes different situationsand life's highs and lows to
navigate together, to see whatyou have in those areas, and I
(20:44):
think that's probably one of thebest pieces of advice is that
you really do need to see whosomebody is over a period of
time and build that consistencyof of who they are and who you
are in in that, in thatrelationship, or in that, in
those interactions.
So so you said something aboutlike going to similar places.
(21:08):
How do you, how do you do thisif you're on dating apps?
Speaker 2 (21:13):
The question that everybody wants to know yes, um
dating apps, I so I think it's,if you can, I think it's it's
better to meet people in person.
Um, I think that there's.
There's just a higher successrate there and um and I'm not
negating dating apps I've, I've,um, you know, talked to people
(21:34):
and they're like, oh no, like Imet my husband on tinder, like
we knew first night, and it'slike that's, you know, that's
great and that happensfrequently.
But I think, when we look atall the matches that we get on
dating apps, like the numbers ofsuccess are still pretty low
versus um the people that kindof meet people out, just kind of
(21:56):
living life doing the thingsthat they like.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yeah Well, and I think that, like that kind of
goes to like knowing yourself,like knowing yourself and like
you know, regardless of whatarea you step into, like know
yourself.
And so what about, like, ifyou're you know you're looking
for a partner, you're lookingfor qualities and similarities,
(22:21):
what's important to know aboutin terms of like, what you're
not willing to accept?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
I think knowing like what you're not willing to
change about yourself too,knowing like what you're not
willing to change about yourselftoo, um, because there's some
people that they have different,um things that they want out of
life and they might wantsomeone who is more reserved and
you might have a bigpersonality and they might be
like you know what, I don't likeyou going out with your friends
(22:51):
that much, I don't like whatyou're wearing.
And then you might say, like,is this something that I'm
willing to compromise on?
Like, is this something that Iwant to change about myself?
So, that can be a list likesomething.
That's kind of like you knowwhat.
I just don't think we'recompatible.
And another thing, too, iscreating like a list of just
(23:16):
things that you're just notwilling to put up with anymore,
like I am not okay with beingcursed at Like that's my first
time we're done.
I don't want to be screamed atfirst time we're done.
And cheating is another bigthing.
You know, yeah, you know we'rejust over at that point thing.
(23:36):
You know, yeah, first you knowwe're just we're just over at
that point.
Um, and just being veryspecific with what you will and
will not put up with, becausethat helps us as we're dating,
we have that list and we meetsomeone and we they're really
amazing, but they have this onething and that's on our list of
no's and you know, sometimesit's like, you know, I told
myself before I met this personthis was something I was not
(23:56):
going to put up with and thenyou might have to cut someone
off that you you actually reallylove.
Yeah, and it's hard, but yeah,you know you have to be
confident in yourself that youcan also meet someone with those
same qualities that you reallylike about that person, but that
also doesn't do that thing thatyou're just not willing to deal
with anymore.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Well, and I think that's a really important step
that, like, if you are in asituation in life where you do
need to utilize online dating ormatchmaking or dating apps,
that you're very, very clear onwhat you are not willing to
allow into your life withsomebody you know, like if that,
(24:41):
if somebody has this quality orthose qualities or you have an
interaction that you knowmirrors something that maybe
it's not on your list but you'relike that feels very similar to
that, you are quick to to movethrough, not giving any too much
time or or attention.
I know when I went into dating,you know it was very
(25:05):
intentional to have phone callsor, you know, coffee dates or
whatever as quick meetups, andit's something that continued to
show up with a lot of people Iwas I was going on these dates
with was just taking these likemicro digs at me, being a
therapist, which I knew was liketheir way of trying to, or
(25:28):
maybe they felt really insecureabout the fact that that's what
I did, but I was very quick tobe like I'm sorry, this, this is
not going to work.
I'm not going to allow somebodyto take something that I find
such passion and purpose andmission in to to kind of like
take digs at it.
Just that's immature and showsinsecurity, and so I was very
quick to like move out of thatbecause I understood the dating
(25:49):
apps have a lot of people onthere that, good or not so good,
are not going to be goodmatches for me, and so it was.
It was once you're clear onwhat those those qualities are
and you see them and you allowyourself the, the and give
yourself permission to likerelease that sooner than later,
even if you've had goodconversations in the past, that
(26:12):
helps you really.
Even if you've had goodconversations in the past, that
helps you really.
You know, hold a space for notbeing able to participate in a
dating in a, in a dynamic that'sthat has a lot of like
unhealthy people out there.
You know, like you said,meeting somebody organically has
a higher rate of relationshipsbecause people are organically
going out there investing insomething that they value,
(26:36):
whereas dating apps and onlinedating, the only investment is
just a page and the monthlysubscription fee you're paying
and there's not a realinvestment in that.
But there I'm sure are goodpeople out there.
But I think that's a reallygood point of you know when you
are clear and what you're notwilling to accept and you take
(26:56):
action from that place.
You know you're going to movethrough dating in a healthier
way than not.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
Yeah, and something about dating apps.
I'm not knocking them, I thinkthey definitely have their place
.
So something that was told tome when I was kind of on dating
apps and then going out andtrying to meet people
organically as well, is usingdating apps as kind of like
practice, and it's the same waywhen you're meeting people
(27:24):
organically.
But I think that the datingapps have a little bit more of
that practice aspect becauseyou're getting more reps in and
while you're doing that, you'repracticing how you're vetting
these people you're learningmore about yourself.
What qualities do you reallylike?
Because I remember one time Imet someone and we were super
compatible, like super, supergood connection, but they was
(27:47):
like one thing where we just,like you know long distance.
We're not going to toleratethat, not willing to do.
But I took that and I was likeI really like all of these
qualities about this person.
So I'm going to take thatknowledge.
I'm going to find someone likethat.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think that's.
I think that's a great, a greatway to look at them, especially
for people who maybe have veryrigid like beliefs around dating
.
Like maybe, while they're doingsome of that work around, like
I only date this type of personthey have to be this tall, like
going and just meeting andtalking to people in the space
(28:24):
of dating.
You know one of my really goodfriends I met and went on a date
with.
We're like you know, we'reactually like kind of friends
like this.
This feels like a good friendvibe and has ended up being a
really great part of my supportsystem.
So, like I love that.
You say practice is just gettingout there and being in the
energy of dating and learningmore about yourself through who
(28:45):
and what qualities you couldreally like find attractive and
desire, but also what's like notfor you and you're not going to
like tolerate or give or investany more time.
And so I think, yeah, notknocking the dating apps.
I think everybody who's been in, who's been in the dating game
and have done dating apps, wouldunderstand they would love
(29:06):
somebody organically.
But yes, it's, it's definitelysomething that can be used as a
tool.
Red flags, green flags, yellowflags, since we're talking about
dance and I think those two gotogether.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Absolutely, absolutely yeah so, um, yeah, a
big thing that you want to lookout for is being love-bombed.
Um, I think that is one of thebiggest red flags, where someone
you know it's first date andlike, oh my gosh, like I, you
know, want to marry you, like Iwant to take you here, I want to
(29:40):
do this and, like you know, as,as you start dating more and
kind of learning patterns, it'slike you'll see that those
people fizzle out quick, likethey start out real hot and
heavy, but you really should begrowing in love and connection.
(30:01):
It should not start out likethat in a sense and then also
looking out for things like dothey put you down?
What's their relationship likewith?
their mother is a huge one,mother and father because, how
they feel about their parents,um you know whether it's, they
were absolutely perfect or theywere, you know, the worst people
.
Both of those extremes can tellyou a lot about how they're
(30:24):
going to interact with you yeah,because yeah you know, coming
from a woman's perspective anddating, dating men um, if his
mom can do no wrong and she'sthe perfect person you know, the
pattern that I learned was I'llnever be able to meet that
standard.
If she was the worst person andcould do nothing right, then I
(30:46):
was going to be punished throughher, like his relationship with
his mom it was.
I was always going to be wrong.
I was, and so, um, yeah, sothat that can tell us a lot, um,
kind of being able to viewparents as um not being black
and white, but like, oh, youknow, they have these amazing
(31:06):
qualities, but they also were,you know, traumatizing in these
ways.
Yeah, and yeah and that's kindof not talking about extreme
examples of abuse and neglect,because that's a whole
conversation right um right,yeah, so, um, yeah, just
learning about those things howdo they treat people when you're
like going out?
Um, how are they kind to thewaitress?
(31:28):
Do they hold the door for likethe next person walking in just?
right right that you can pick upon um and how they talk about
other people because, um,sometimes, especially with those
people who tend to love bomb,they are talking very highly
about you and, if you notice,sometimes they're like really
(31:51):
mean and they talk negativelyabout everybody else so that's
kind of how you can tell thatdifference, sometimes because
you know it's not genuine,because how could they be so
infatuated with you right offthe get-go that have, all the
same, so many people?
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Mm.
Hmm, yeah, I think it is.
It's really important in thatdating phase to really listen to
what are their relationshipswith the people that are in
their lives, so parents, friends, past partners, like, how do
they talk about past partners?
You know, what is it really ifthey have children, what is
(32:31):
their relationship with children?
So, really looking to hear andunderstand what is this person's
relationship with other peoplethat would be part of that
community, you know, and, likeyou said, not having that black
and white, but showing thespectrum of perspectives of
being like, yeah, it didn't workout with us.
(32:53):
Perspectives of being like,yeah, it didn't work out with us
, we had this, that and theother go on in our relationship.
But we've really learned how tonavigate the parenting our
child or whatever.
Can they?
Can they see the, the realityof, of relationships, or is it
all in an extreme?
And, yes, how do they treatother people?
How do they?
How do they navigate conflict?
(33:13):
You know, like, how quickly dothey want to commit?
That's a big one too.
I think one of the mostinteresting things in my own
journey, you know, in finding mypartner, was that, you know,
when he realized he wanted todate exclusively, he was like,
hey, I just want you to know I'm.
I'm really not going toentertain dating anybody else,
but you take the time you needand you know, I just want you to
(33:36):
know.
That's where I'm at.
And that was nice, like tostill have permission in the
relationship.
That was, I was still needingto see who he was and other
people were over a period oftime and that was very mature.
And that was very mature.
It was a mature thing to saythat he didn't need my
commitment, that he was justdisclosing, that.
(33:59):
This was where he was at and Icould come to that at the point
that I was ready and if I wasn't, that you know, I just needed
to communicate that and I waslike, wow, that's actually
really nice and it was anappropriate amount of time.
So I think, yes, not trying toget something from the other
person too quickly at too highof a level, those are definitely
(34:20):
big red flags to be watchingout for.
And ultimately, you know,understanding people,
understanding their attachmentpatterns I think that goes to
like what you're saying withfamily members.
Relationship with familymembers is do they, do they
understand themselves in arelationship?
And if they don't, that's a bigred flag, because that will
play out over and over and overagain.
So I think those are greatthings to really be looking out
(34:43):
for and probably what are someof their.
What behaviors are you noticingwhat things are popping up?
Are they talking aboutfinancial hardships?
Are they talking about negativemindset?
Are you seeing these?
You know what things arepopping up.
Are they talking aboutfinancial hardships?
Are they talking about, likeyou know, like negative mindset?
Are you seeing these thingsplay out?
But, again, you don't see thatunless you're giving them a
(35:03):
period of time for that to playout with some consistency.
So, all great things to belooking out for.
So can you tell me some greenflags that we can actually be
like?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
yay, Aware of their flaws and willing to share them
is a huge thing.
So you were, you definitelyshared a green flag with your
partner where he was like hey,like this is where I'm at, but
he gave you that autonomy andthat time to choose and didn't
(35:36):
view you as like an object topossess.
It was like I'm going to giveyou time and and that was
something that my currentpartner did with me as well, as
you know, we had thoseconversations, um, you know,
maybe we're not ready to likecommit in a relationship but,
like you know, I'm not reallyseeing anyone else at the moment
, type of thing but we're stillkind of evaluating each other
(35:58):
and you know you mentionedattachment too, and being aware
of attachment patterns is like ahuge thing.
Because, you know my currentpartner too.
He tends to be avoidant and heshared that with me.
He's like this is my pattern.
I'm working through it.
Let me know if you ever feelthat for me so that I can adjust
(36:21):
.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Wow, yeah, yeah, that's amazing yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
Yeah, and then, and not only that, but like just
other, like hey, like you know,I with my partner too, I have
ADHD.
They're like hey, like you know, I with my partner too, I have
ADHD.
I'm very like my space seemsdisorganized sometimes because I
function better when I seeeverything out.
And I'm like hey, like this,like I get like messy sometimes,
let me know if it's ever toomuch.
(36:48):
And he's like no, I'll just workaround that you know we might
not like about each other.
Um, necessarily it's like, it'slike, no, like I still, I still
love every part of you.
I'm just gonna create likelittle barriers for like so that
you know you can compromise andand um and feel so fulfilled,
(37:11):
so they're not gonna be likeputting you down for things that
you know, are just a part ofyou.
They're just like okay, likehow's the way that, how's the
way that we can work around thisissue together?
Speaker 1 (37:22):
And it's not a task.
Yeah, and you know, I thinkthat's such a beautiful thing,
especially when you step intothe space of vulnerability to
acknowledge something aboutyourself that maybe is, is
something in the past, somebodyelse has maybe attached you on
or whatever, and somebody meetsyou with grace and meets you
(37:42):
with you know, permission to beyourself and solutions on how to
protect the relationship withinthat.
So all good stuff.
I know we're kind of runningout of time, but we have so much
more to talk about in dating.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
I know we do?
Speaker 1 (37:59):
I know you know it's one of those things that it's a
hot topic and there are so manypeople out there that will be
like well, this is my programyou have to follow, and I know
we kind of want to get into thattoo.
So I feel like we need likepart two, part three, part four.
Speaker 2 (38:16):
Yeah, yeah, just to get to get deeper into it.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
Yeah, so I know we definitely want to talk about
like conscious commitment comingup, but I think it would be
great to talk about like alittle bit more in that dating
phase and then how to get tothat conscious commitment.
So for everybody out there thankyou for listening Know that
we're having a part two andprobably part three coming out.
I'm going to put you knowAllison's contact information,
(38:43):
her socials.
I've known Allison for a coupleof years and I have to tell you
she is very tenacious in herown self-work, which has made
her such a great resource forothers who are doing this.
And I know she works withcouples, she works with
individuals, she works withchildren, especially
understanding that attachmentcomponent.
So please feel free to reachout, schedule an appointment
(39:10):
with her, a consult.
She's just a ray of sunshinewhen it comes to helping you
navigate just your concept ofself and how to be in healthy
relationships.
So thank you for listening,thank you for watching Allison,
thank you for joining us.
I can't wait to have you back.
Thank you for having me.
Absolutely, we'll see you guysnext time.
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