March 11, 2025 • 28 mins
What role does acceptance play in healing from profound grief? Join us as we sit down with Chris Mamone, an acceptance coach whose personal experiences with loss have shaped his mission to help others navigate their journey through sorrow. Chris opens up about the heart-wrenching losses of his grandfather and infant son, sharing how these tragedies became pivotal moments in his life, guiding him toward a career dedicated to supporting those grappling with grief. This honest conversation also brings to light the often under-discussed experience of infant loss, drawing from our own stories to offer understanding and empathy.
The conversation underscores the significance of a good fit between coach and client, and knowing when a coaching journey has naturally concluded. We also touch upon book recommendations like "Can't Hurt Me" by David Goggins, which offer inspiration during challenging times.
Contact:
www.asiliveandgrieve.com
info@asiliveandgrieve.com
Facebook: As I Live and Grieve
Instagram: @asiliveandgrieve
YouTube: asiliveandgrieve
TikTok: @asiliveandgrieve
To reach Chris:
Website: The Empowered Grief Journey
Credits:
Music by Kevin MacLeod
Copyright 2020, by As I Live and Grieve
The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to as I Live and Grieve, a podcast that tells
the truth about how hard thisis.
We're glad you joined us today.
We know how hard it is to losesomeone you love and how
well-intentioned friends andfamily try so hard to comfort us
.
We created this podcast toprovide you with comfort,
knowledge and support.
We are grief advocates, notprofessionals, not licensed
(00:23):
therapists.
We are you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hi everyone.
Welcome back again to anotherepisode of as I Live in Grief.
You know, this winter cold justwants to hang on In this
household of five people.
We just share it back and forthand back and forth.
But I've already expressed toeveryone that I'm done now.
This is it.
This is the last cold I wantfor winter and you know I'm
ready for spring.
This is about the time of yearI start looking for buds on
(00:50):
trees.
Yes, I know that's notrealistic, but I still start
looking.
It's just me.
Welcome back today and thankyou again for joining us.
With us today is Kelly Hello,and our guest is Chris.
With us today is Kelly Hello,and our guest is Chris Mamone.
Did I say it right, chris?
You did.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Thank you for joining us today.
Thank you, thanks for having meon your podcast Absolutely Our
privilege.
This is going to be a greatconversation and it's about a
very difficult topic actually.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
One, I think, of the most difficult things in the
world of grief.
Before we get started with myquestions, of which I never seem
to run out of, could youintroduce yourself to our
listeners, chris, personal powerand a little bit about how I
ended up being a coach?
It's a very interesting story.
I have always been in sales mywhole life, basically out of
college, doing jobs and mortgageinsurance and quite a bit of
things in between, and, longstory short, I've always had
(01:57):
grief and loss follow me in life.
I don't know why that is, butit's always been on my plate, so
to speak.
So what really led me to being acoach, though, and committing
down that career path, was I hadmy first experience with death,
losing my grandfather in myarms back in 2020 after a long
battle with cancer.
Two years after that, I had thenot so fortunate thing to lose
my first son to stillborn, andnow to go through that whole
(02:19):
process.
So what I tell people about myjourney?
I call it the gift and crappywrapping paper.
That's the one we didn't askfor.
Good phrase, good phrase, yeah,but we got it, and so I was
faced with a choice Do I destroymy life with this or do I
create something with it?
And because of the love of myson, he gave me the strength to
become a coach, to help otherpeople through grief and learn
(02:41):
how to heal, and so nothing butgrateful for that little man.
He changed my world Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I don't know if you realize this.
I lost an infant son who wasjust 24 years old 24 hours old,
I'm sorry, 24 hours and it wasin a generation, at a time in
society where there were nosmartphones.
So I never saw a picture, neverheld him, never saw him in the
hospital.
He was whisked away to anotherfacility where he died 24 hours
(03:07):
later.
And that's difficult too.
In fact, first he waspronounced stillborn and then
they said, oh, wait, wait, he'salive.
So I feel like I lost him twice.
In some ways it is a very, verydifficult thing to go through,
and I think I've actuallygrieved that loss more in the
last three or four years than Idid initially, because he was an
(03:30):
entity that I didn't see.
So it was easy in my mind tosay it didn't happen, and I also
have horrid guilt for havingfelt that way.
At any rate, I so appreciateyou taking the time to join us.
And the term acceptance coach Ihad not heard before.
I heard you.
I've heard life coach,transitional coach, grief coach.
(03:51):
I've heard many of them.
I like acceptance coach becauseI like that word and the base
word accept.
Would you explain to peoplewhat you mean by that acceptance
coach and clarify that, thoughyou do grief, it's not
restricted just to loss by death.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yeah, thank you, kelly, and I just want to say
I'm very sorry for the loss thatyou went through.
I, as a fellow loss parent, Ican share those feelings of
guilt that just hit you hard.
So I just want to share mycondolence for you, thank you.
Thank you very much, and thenyou know.
Then back to your question ofacceptance.
How did I come up with that?
I struggled with mygrandfather's death and I
(04:32):
struggle even to this day.
I struggle with my son's loss.
It just doesn't go away, itdoesn't get easier.
But what I came through a lot ofmy I had a lot of anger when I
went through those losses andwhat I came to find out because
men have a lot of anger thething that I've told people
about anger is that it's thepart of you that loves you the
most.
It's the thing that says I'mnot seen, I'm not heard, I'm not
(04:52):
understood, I don't feel likeI'm myself.
It's a big emotional flag foryou to listen to yourself and
understand yourself and giveyourself space to be kind to
yourself.
And so, losing my son inparticular, one of those big
moments where I came up withacceptance.
I was a woodworker and not evena month after we lost him I was
trying to build a box for hisashes and I was very particular
(05:13):
about it.
It had to be perfect, it had tobe right.
I wouldn't settle for anythingless and the wood wasn't
cooperating.
So I threw it on the floor ofmy shop and I smashed my foot,
stomping on it, ended up in acast for six weeks and, long
story short, I cried a lot thatnight.
I cried a lot, I was very angry, I was very sad.
It just didn't stop for hours.
And so when I came to termswith it days after that, I said
(05:37):
I have to accept that he's goneand he's not coming back.
And I still get crushed sayingthat phrase to myself, but it's
reality of it.
He's not coming back.
And it was sad to me for a lotof reasons, because I lost my
job.
Three months prior to that, Iwas dealing with narcissistic
abuse from my in-laws.
There was just a slew of thingsthat were happening.
And my son when I thought youknow, we were going to be a
(05:59):
happy family when he wassupposed to be born I was like,
well, at least I have him and atleast this child's going to
give me purpose and give memeaning and sure, caden still
does that, just does it in adifferent way.
So that term acceptance I usewith people is that you don't
have to like and you do not haveto agree with what happened.
That's the biggestmisconception with that.
Acceptance just means that youacknowledge what happened, right
(06:20):
, yeah, and just take it forwhat it is.
Yeah, and that stirs a lot ofthe hard emotions, by the way,
part of your healing process.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Sure, and obviously loss, losing someone through
death is incredible, but wouldyou still help someone if they
came to you and say, oh, youknow, I'm going through the
worst divorce and I've got allthese problems and everything?
Would you be able to helpsomeone like that?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Absolutely.
I shockingly funny story.
In the mortgage world I was infor eight years.
I helped a lot of people atvarious stages of divorce.
There's anger, resentment,betrayal.
There's lots of slew of thingsI won't go into.
There's a lot of grief and loss.
Right now I'm helping somebodythat's 58 years old and recently
tried to commit suicide acouple of days ago.
I'm helping that person.
I'm helping a lady right nowwho's lost a job and a
(07:07):
relationship.
So I share that my termacceptance coach.
The reason I chose that is thatgrief, loss and trauma is not
tied to losing a job.
It can be a job, it can be arelationship.
It could be losing a house, itcould be, I don't know, losing
something in your family.
There's a lot of things thatcould be.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Absolutely.
You know, for a lot of peopleit could be losing a job, losing
the money that you've been usedto getting and you know,
getting a cut and pay, andlosing your lifestyle.
It could be so many things that, whatever the laws, you still
grieve it because grief is aloss.
We on this podcast really talkmostly about losing someone by
(07:45):
death, and the reason is becausewe feel that that is the one
that is least comfortable totalk about and, for goodness
sakes, it's finally trending theother way.
There are numerous podcasts nowon grief.
There are all kinds of newtitles out there, like
Acceptance Coach, life Coach,things like that that people
(08:06):
don't have to fear the stigma ofgoing to see a psychiatrist,
for example.
If they need help, they can gosee a coach, a therapist.
For a lot of people, just asingle word can make a world of
difference.
Do you have any way ofclarifying for us, in your
opinion, what the difference isbetween being an acceptance
(08:29):
coach and a therapist?
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Yeah, I'm actually really appreciative that you
asked that question, because nota lot of people do Something
that I'll share.
The generalized idea of it isthat coaching is very much about
how do we move forward.
It's very much that space thatwe accept.
What happened doesn't mean welike it, but we find what that
path is to move forward and thegrief space in particular.
Trigger words I tell people tobe very careful of when you go
(08:53):
see a therapist or a coach oryou're talking to people as
you're grieving.
Anybody that says move on orlet go or get on with things,
that is a very unsafe person totalk to.
So please do not put yourselfaround people like that.
There is only moving forwardfrom that and that means
learning how to use grief withyou.
Now, when you traditionally seea therapist, a lot of times in
(09:14):
my experience and I still go totherapy, by the way therapy is a
reflection on your past.
It's to look back and reflectand ask yourself was there
things I could have done better?
Are there things I can learnfrom this to help me move
forward?
Can I look at this from a newperspective?
It's very much looking back inyour past and trying to create
those solutions fromreverberating, regurgitating
what happened.
Coaching is very much.
(09:35):
Let's just say what happened,let's acknowledge it, accept it
and then let's try to figure outwhat does this path look like
moving forward.
So it's two differentapproaches that I both think are
very, very valuable.
By the way, and grief, I don't.
I don't think coaching isbetter than therapy.
I don't think therapy is betterthan coaching.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
I think, in my perspective, for whatever it's
worth is that you were rightthat one is kind of reflecting
back, and I know there's aslogan out there don't look back
, don't look in the mirror.
You're not going that way.
However, if you have feelingsof guilt or anything like that,
(10:15):
you're going to need to go backand revisit that.
So there is definitely value inboth aspects of it.
It's going to make a differencewhat is best for you, depending
on what you're going through,what you have gone through, and
that's one reason that Iencourage people, if they think
they want professional help, todon't just pick a name or take a
(10:37):
recommendation by someone andgo to one person.
Go to several.
Most therapists, coaches,social workers most of them will
have some type of introductoryfree consultation.
So we're not talkingout-of-pocket expenses, but you
want to make sure of severalthings.
What should people look forwhen they're trying to find the
(10:59):
right person for them?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
My biggest bit of advice that I can give everyone
today and I had to learn thisafter losing my son please only
talk to professionals, coachesor therapists that make you feel
safe.
I cannot press that harder as abutton, but you need to be in a
room with somebody that makesyou feel safe, somebody that
creates a space for you to beyou and express yourself fully.
People that coach with me a lotof times try to bottle up their
emotions or try to mutethemselves, and I tell them up
(11:27):
front.
When they do that, I say thisis a safe place for you to talk
right now.
There are no limitations withour conversation.
I want you to get things out.
If you need to, you know cussand scream and get that out that
way.
Please, by all means, do it.
I need you to get that emotionout the best way that you can so
you can see it.
You got to be able to expressyourself freely and you need to
also be with safe people, peoplethat make you feel seen and
(11:49):
heard and understood.
You're not crazy, you're notridiculous, you're not
overdramatic, you're not overlyemotional.
I've heard those things come up.
You're not any of those thingswhen you're going through grief.
Grief is a what I like to call.
Grief is like a roller coaster.
Some days you're cruising alongand it's real nice and life can
go.
Other days it's going to rearits ugly head and it's going to
feel like you're falling 10,000feet out of the air at 100 miles
(12:11):
an hour.
So be kind to yourself too asyou go through that process.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, one of the first things I tell people, if
they say you know, what should Ido?
Is be patient with yourself.
You know, just be patient.
The analogy of the rollercoaster is so perfect, because
there's that moment where you'rejust terrified and then you
just kind of reach the top andthen all of a sudden you lose
your stomach, and it can happenthat quickly too.
Yeah, yeah, now in yoursessions with people, are they
(12:36):
individual sessions?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Right now I'm only doing one-on-one coaching.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Okay, what's the benefit, then, of a group
session?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
I've done group coaching a few times and I've
been in the process of gettingthat started right now to
structure it.
But group coaching, you do haveit led by a coach such as
myself, and there's usually astructured topic with it every
week.
So it's usually a six to 12week program.
The biggest thing I like aboutgroup coaching is that if you
get the right people in thegroup I hate saying that, but
it's.
You know, for example, therewere 10 of us that lost children
(13:06):
.
Everybody's grief journey isdifferent.
It's individual to them, sodon't compare your situations.
One child loss is not worsethan the next.
I'll take that.
But you're going to find peoplesay this is how I learned to
heal, this is where my healingjourney took me.
Or I had this really bigbreakthrough last week when I
felt part in my grief processand this is what I learned from
this.
And so you get all thesedifferent perspectives from 10,
(13:28):
20 people and it may notnecessarily be what the coach
says, but it might be thatrandom person you're in the
group with that you all of asudden say I can relate with
John today.
I went through something likethat and he's right about that.
I can see that in that light.
That's, the real benefit togroup coaching is a lot of
perspectives and a lot of sharedstories.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Yeah, yeah, you can get that sense of oh, I'm not
alone in this, the more so thanif it's an individual session
and during your sessions do youhave different treatment
techniques or differentmodalities that you will use to
help people?
Speaker 3 (14:01):
I do.
I have a lot of certificationsfor coaching and I morph my
coaching sessions to the personthat's in front of me.
So if I have somebody that isfor lack of better terms
somebody who's very emotionaldriven, I change the way I coach
to match their personality,because if I don't talk in the
language they talk in, it's notgoing to get through.
So I have to.
A lot of my coaching, believeit or not, is learning about my
(14:23):
client.
How do they receive information?
How do they learn?
How do they process their grief?
What are those things that aretriggers for them?
What are those things that helpthem open up?
It's always a learning processfor me.
If I have a man, for example,that's a very typical,
traditional tough guy man, I'lltalk in that manner for them,
just so that they can get themost out of their experience.
(14:43):
So the tricky part about beinga coach is you've really got to
learn who's in front of you.
You got to learn their emotions, where they're at in their
healing process and how theywant to be talked to.
You have to learn those things.
How do you do that?
I do it through a series ofquestions and I usually in my
first session, my first coupleof sessions with people.
I don't talk that much.
I ask a lot of questions and Ilisten because I people in the
(15:06):
grief space want to be heard.
That's the big thing I'velearned.
After losing my kid I had a lotof people that just wanted to
tell me what their loss was likeand tell me, oh, it'll get
better with time or it won't beso bad.
Down the road I had two weeksago I had a thought and I said,
man, I wish I had been differentwhen my son was almost going to
be born.
I wish I had done this, I wishI had done that, or maybe if I
did this he'd still be here.
(15:26):
This is two and a half yearsafter I lost him.
So I use that as an example tosay when I coach people, I lean
into questions person so that Ican really connect with you.
And you know back to what youwere saying earlier, by the way,
kelly, if somebody is not rightfor you and you get that vibe,
it's okay, there's no negativething about that.
(15:46):
Just say we're not a good fitand that's okay.
I just need to go find theperson.
I feel safe with.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Oh, absolutely Absolutely, because, yeah, and
you know, hopefully they'reprofessional enough to
understand that you know they'renot going to be right for
everybody, that they may have acertain manner about them or a
certain tone about the way theyspeak.
That just isn't going toprovoke a reaction in you, a
response, and you might find, oh, I don't feel comfortable
talking to them.
That's not somebody you want.
(16:11):
You know you want thesesessions to be successful.
Do you ever give your clientshomework?
Speaker 3 (16:17):
I give my homework every week when we have a call
Like what might you have them do.
For example, I have a clientright now that's grieving the
loss of a relationship that'sbeen over for 10 months and
she's caught in a negativeself-talk pattern and she tries
to reach out to this person alot, subjects herself to that
negativity a lot, and so one ofthe pieces of homework I gave
her is, I said, before you reachout to him and I'm not telling
(16:39):
you right or wrong, by the waybut before you reach out to him,
I want you to hit a stop clockon your phone for 90 seconds and
I want you to ask yourselfwhat's causing me to feel like I
need to reach out to thisperson that has clearly shown me
I'm not important or value tothem.
What's causing me to feel thisright now?
And then write down what am Ilooking or hoping to achieve out
of that phone call?
(17:00):
What am I looking, what do Ineed right now?
What are my needs?
Telling me.
And then I also want you towrite down am I going to get
that?
Am I going to feel seen?
Am I going to feel heard?
Am I going to feel understoodor am I going to feel like crap,
like what?
What am I going to feel, and Igave her that homework to say
that this is I can't tell youright or wrong and you're going
to do what you want to do but Iwant to help you understand and
process your emotions and thatmaybe through that process, by
(17:22):
the way, maybe you'll get tothose through those questions
and go.
Well, I said I want to call himtoday.
I don't need to, I'm good, I'mall set, I know who I am and so
I try to.
I give homework for people togo with them and feel themselves
and and help them make betterdecisions for themselves, and
that's why I say my coaching.
I can't tell you what to do andI never will, but I'll give you
(17:45):
suggestions to help you findyour answer and ultimately you
have.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Yeah, and we've we talked about in that initial
consultation, agreeing to workwith someone that you feel
comfortable with.
Have you ever had that initialconsultation and refused to
accept someone as a client basedon that?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I've only had it happen a couple times, but I
really felt it was just not agood fit and I'll share this
openly.
It's more the business side ofcoaching for me, but I'll just
say that I am not a coach thatfeels comfortable taking
people's money if we're not agood fit.
And if I'm on the phone withsomebody one or two times, and
that's very much, just not in aplace where we're aligned, so to
(18:20):
speak, and there's somebodythat needs somebody different, I
see that I tell them honestlyI'm just not the right person
for you.
And it doesn't mean you're bad,doesn't mean you're wrong, but
just we're not a good fit and Iwant you to go to that person
that can actually help you.
And there's a lot of coaches outthere that won't do it.
They'll take your money andjust say, well, we'll try to
make it work or we'll try to dothis, and you waste people's
time and emotion and that'swhere, as a life coach, I'll
(18:42):
tell you people share me theirdeepest pain, their deepest,
darkest thing that they won'tshare other people.
And so you have a privilege anda sanctity, by the way, to be
respectful people, and I takethat very seriously in my
business.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Sure.
And how do you know when youhave done all you can for
someone?
How do you know when it's theend?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
That's a tough one in coaching.
I'll share that with you.
I have had clients I've workedwith that I feel like we've done
all we can, but life throwsthem a twist and that can be a
loss of any kind or just a shiftin where they're going.
And so for me, coaching issomething that's off and on and
ongoing with people.
When it is over, by the way,sometimes I've caught on to that
I hopefully To have anaccountability person.
(19:26):
I will always be there for you.
You'll never lose me, but if Icatch on to that, you've really
grown as a person and you reallyconquered what you came to work
with me to do, I'll let youknow, because I'm, first and
foremost, you know I make moneyhelping people, but on top of
that, it's the most beautifulthing to watch somebody go from
a bad place and to see thembetter than I found them and in
(19:49):
a place where they can carrythemselves.
I applaud and I congratulateand celebrate my clients every
time they do that, becausethat's the biggest
accomplishment you can get outof coaching.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, do you have.
If someone came to you and saidcan you recommend a book for me
to read?
Do you have any go-to book orbooks that you will recommend to
people?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
It really depends on the situation, but back in 2022,
when I lost my kid, I read 40books that year.
I read a lot of them.
If I have somebody that's moregoing through grief but it's
more been a masculine state,I'll recommend David Goggins'
Can't Hurt Me.
It's a beautiful story.
The first 50 pages of his bookmakes me cry because his dad
literally beat his mom and himwithin an inch of their life and
(20:29):
David suffers through painbecause he struggles with that
grief and trauma.
So I'll recommend a book likethat.
If there's also somebody that'sjust lost in life and has gone
through just average loss ofthings, so to speak.
Jen Cicero's book You're aBadass is a great book to
inspire you that you can achievethings even in the worst
moments of your life, whenyou're broke or you don't have
(20:51):
somebody around you and you feellike there's nothing.
That that book will lift you up.
It's just.
It's a great, great book.
I've got many others Irecommend to people, just
depending on where they're atyeah, and do you have themed
events throughout the year?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
not really a retreat or anything, but do you offer
like an event where you mighttalk about a certain topic or
anything like that?
Do you do anything like that?
Speaker 3 (21:11):
I'm in the process of putting those together this
year.
It's been a little tricky forme because I can coach on so
many things.
But something I am passionateabout, and I'm trying to find a
way to market it, is that menthat lose kids.
There's not a lot of supportfor us.
No, there isn't.
There's a lot of support forwomen, which I'm 100% behind.
My wife has gone through a lotafter losing her son and still,
(21:31):
to this day, have a battle withit.
But for men out there there'snot a lot of support.
We're told you know, suck it upand move on.
And unfortunately, men haveemotions, just like women do,
and we struggle.
We show it differently, by theway, we hide it.
But I want to reach out to menthat have lost a child and I
want to say, hey, this was justa bunch of loss, as it was for
your wife, and I want you to beable to learn how to express
(21:54):
your emotions and learn how youcan heal, because healing in
silence, it doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Well then jot the name down, tony Lynch, and look
him up on Facebook.
You need to connect with him.
You know my name, tony.
Oh, you know Tony.
Okay, then you already knowTony.
All right, he's a great guy.
Yeah, he would be my number one, for you know, if you want to
get into the Men's Grief Network, yeah, he's the great one to
help you get there.
Yeah, I worked with him on theglobal conference last year.
(22:22):
I'm not involved with them thisyear because I've just got too
much going on.
So, okay, well, time is windingdown, unfortunately, sadly.
I always enjoy talking with ourguests, and you're no different
.
You're very easy to talk to andwith, and I appreciate that
very much.
So this is the time in thepodcast where I turn the
microphone over to you and letyou just take the floor.
(22:44):
So it's your turn.
The floor is yours.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Well, if I could give one message today to those who
are listening today that aregoing through loss or grief or
trauma, what I want you guys tofocus on is being kind to
yourself.
Grief is a roller coaster thatyou're going to feel fine some
days and you're going to be atrade wreck the next, and I want
you to know it's okay, it'scompletely normal to do that.
When you do that, by the way, Iwant you to focus on your
(23:09):
emotions you feel.
I want you to understand andwrite down.
Journaling has been a reallyhelpful thing for me.
Write down.
I feel this way today.
I'm having these thoughts today.
Be very kind to yourself and dothat.
It's a big part of healing.
The other thing I can sharewith you I was able to find it
in two years after going throughwhat I went through, but
there's always a gift and alesson and a blessing in these
moments and I know in the middleof that and grief, it can be
(23:32):
very hard to see that and almostin times, impossible.
I've been there myself, butjust know that these experiences
happened for you.
They didn't happen to you, andthese situations will make you a
stronger and better person overlife.
You're going to have a big giftto contribute to other people
who go through it and if you canbe, if you can learn to be kind
to yourself and work on healingyourself and put yourself in a
(23:53):
good place, however long thattakes you to get there, you will
always be able to help otherpeople that go through it and
that's the biggest gift that weall get through our grief and
loss.
My other thing I can share withyou guys if you do want to
connect with me for whateverreason, and I love meeting new
people.
I've had a lot of great peoplethis year.
I'm on Facebook.
Feel free to come look me up.
You can comment or DM me.
I'm always open forconversations, to things.
(24:15):
I learn new things by everybodyI talk to.
You guys can also visit mywebsite, wwwseptancecoachcom.
I do a free one hour call withanybody who'd like to see what
coaching is about and kind oflike Kelly's talked about today.
The reason I'm offering a freeone hour call is because I want
you to feel free to tell mewhat's going on in your life,
what you're dealing with, whatyou're going through.
I also want to give you theopportunity to get to know me.
(24:37):
Am I a good fit for you to workwith?
Are we?
Do you feel safe around me?
Do you feel comfortable enoughto talk about it?
I really want to give you thatspace to be you and make a good
decision for you as far as whichhealing path you need.
And other than that, I justwant to say there's really no
moving on and getting over itwhen you're on healing journey.
It's a lifelong, it doesn't end.
There's moving forward with itto the best of your ability, but
(25:00):
don't let anybody take awaywhat you've gone through,
because that's your personalexperience.
It's your journey.
You will heal on your own terms, in your own way, and I want
you to know that that, no matterwhat people tell you, it's your
journey and make sure thatyou're being kind and being fair
to yourself and feeling whatyou need to feel.
That's what I want to leave youguys with.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Well said, well said, kelly.
Do you have any questions orcomments?
I don't at the moment, but Ithink I want to be an acceptance
coach now that happens.
A very good listener, I lovethat.
Yeah, you learn a lot on thispodcast and, in addition to
getting to talk to all theguests and we've had so many in
(25:41):
our conversations have run thegamut from psychics to brain
scientists and neuroscientistsand parents and personal stories
and everything.
But with every single guest Ihave learned something.
I really have, you know, evenif it's a clever phrase or a new
quote or just a perspectivethat I didn't think about before
(26:04):
, and that my bonus for thispodcast is how much it has
helped me on a personal level.
It's helped me with my owngrief, it's helped me with
acceptance, it's helped me withmy listening.
It's just helped me in so, somany ways.
So I agree, kelly, and you know, you probably know enough that
you could be an acceptance coach, but there is value to
(26:24):
certifications and littledegrees and everything like that
.
In the intro for our podcast,you know, I say I make it a
point to say that we're nottherapists, we're not clinicians
.
We're, you know, we're notmedical providers, we are you,
and that's one reason I thinkthis podcast works as well as it
(26:45):
does, because we're not sellinga service.
We don't allow ads in themiddle of our podcast episodes.
We're not trying to monetize it.
This is our gift to people tohelp them feel more comfortable
about their grief journey andabout grief in general, so that
they can talk about it morefreely and so that they
understand there's no shame ingrieving.
It's something everyone goesthrough, is going to go through,
(27:08):
and I'm sorry, but I alsobelieve that, after going
through the pandemic, there's noone in the world that can say
I've never grieved.
We all lost something in thatpandemic Something, some things,
many things.
So, having said all that, Iwant to thank you again, chris,
for coming on the podcast,taking time.
I want to thank you for thework you do as well.
(27:30):
I do think that Acceptance Coachis a great.
It's a great title and it justsays so much about the
perspective you want people tohave on their grief journey.
The other thing I want to do isshare a quote that really is
almost a light bulb moment withme, and it was just a couple
days ago.
I saw this when someone wastelling a story about how much
(27:51):
they had been crying, justsobbing and sobbing and sobbing.
And someone said to them cryingis not pain, crying is healing.
And I thought, wow, you knowwhat a statement, because it's
pouring that emotion out, that'shelping you heal, and I thought
that was such a neatperspective.
So I'm leaving everyone withthat thought Take care of
(28:13):
yourselves.
Come back again next week foranother episode of as I Live and
Grieve.
Thanks again, chris, thank youKathy.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Thank you so much for listening with us today.
Do you have a topic that you'dlike us to cover or do you have
a question from one of ourepisodes?
Please email us at info at as Ilive and grievecom, and let us
know.
We hope you will find a momentto leave a review, send an email
and share with others.
Join us next time as wecontinue to live and grieve
(28:44):
together.
Welcome to as I Live and Grieve, a podcast that tells
the truth about how hard thisis.
We're glad you joined us today.
We know how hard it is to losesomeone you love and how
well-intentioned friends andfamily try so hard to comfort us
.
We created this podcast toprovide you with comfort,
knowledge and support.
We are grief advocates, notprofessionals, not licensed
(00:23):
therapists.
We are you.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Hi everyone.
Welcome back again to anotherepisode of as I Live in Grief.
You know, this winter cold justwants to hang on In this
household of five people.
We just share it back and forthand back and forth.
But I've already expressed toeveryone that I'm done now.
This is it.
This is the last cold I wantfor winter and you know I'm
ready for spring.
This is about the time of yearI start looking for buds on
(00:50):
trees.
Yes, I know that's notrealistic, but I still start
looking.
It's just me.
Welcome back today and thankyou again for joining us.
With us today is Kelly Hello,and our guest is Chris.
With us today is Kelly Hello,and our guest is Chris Mamone.
Did I say it right, chris?
You did.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
Thank you for joining us today.
Thank you, thanks for having meon your podcast Absolutely Our
privilege.
This is going to be a greatconversation and it's about a
very difficult topic actually.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
One, I think, of the most difficult things in the
world of grief.
Before we get started with myquestions, of which I never seem
to run out of, could youintroduce yourself to our
listeners, chris, personal powerand a little bit about how I
ended up being a coach?
It's a very interesting story.
I have always been in sales mywhole life, basically out of
college, doing jobs and mortgageinsurance and quite a bit of
things in between, and, longstory short, I've always had
(01:57):
grief and loss follow me in life.
I don't know why that is, butit's always been on my plate, so
to speak.
So what really led me to being acoach, though, and committing
down that career path, was I hadmy first experience with death,
losing my grandfather in myarms back in 2020 after a long
battle with cancer.
Two years after that, I had thenot so fortunate thing to lose
my first son to stillborn, andnow to go through that whole
(02:19):
process.
So what I tell people about myjourney?
I call it the gift and crappywrapping paper.
That's the one we didn't askfor.
Good phrase, good phrase, yeah,but we got it, and so I was
faced with a choice Do I destroymy life with this or do I
create something with it?
And because of the love of myson, he gave me the strength to
become a coach, to help otherpeople through grief and learn
(02:41):
how to heal, and so nothing butgrateful for that little man.
He changed my world Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
I don't know if you realize this.
I lost an infant son who wasjust 24 years old 24 hours old,
I'm sorry, 24 hours and it wasin a generation, at a time in
society where there were nosmartphones.
So I never saw a picture, neverheld him, never saw him in the
hospital.
He was whisked away to anotherfacility where he died 24 hours
(03:07):
later.
And that's difficult too.
In fact, first he waspronounced stillborn and then
they said, oh, wait, wait, he'salive.
So I feel like I lost him twice.
In some ways it is a very, verydifficult thing to go through,
and I think I've actuallygrieved that loss more in the
last three or four years than Idid initially, because he was an
(03:30):
entity that I didn't see.
So it was easy in my mind tosay it didn't happen, and I also
have horrid guilt for havingfelt that way.
At any rate, I so appreciateyou taking the time to join us.
And the term acceptance coach Ihad not heard before.
I heard you.
I've heard life coach,transitional coach, grief coach.
(03:51):
I've heard many of them.
I like acceptance coach becauseI like that word and the base
word accept.
Would you explain to peoplewhat you mean by that acceptance
coach and clarify that, thoughyou do grief, it's not
restricted just to loss by death.
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Yeah, thank you, kelly, and I just want to say
I'm very sorry for the loss thatyou went through.
I, as a fellow loss parent, Ican share those feelings of
guilt that just hit you hard.
So I just want to share mycondolence for you, thank you.
Thank you very much, and thenyou know.
Then back to your question ofacceptance.
How did I come up with that?
I struggled with mygrandfather's death and I
(04:32):
struggle even to this day.
I struggle with my son's loss.
It just doesn't go away, itdoesn't get easier.
But what I came through a lot ofmy I had a lot of anger when I
went through those losses andwhat I came to find out because
men have a lot of anger thething that I've told people
about anger is that it's thepart of you that loves you the
most.
It's the thing that says I'mnot seen, I'm not heard, I'm not
(04:52):
understood, I don't feel likeI'm myself.
It's a big emotional flag foryou to listen to yourself and
understand yourself and giveyourself space to be kind to
yourself.
And so, losing my son inparticular, one of those big
moments where I came up withacceptance.
I was a woodworker and not evena month after we lost him I was
trying to build a box for hisashes and I was very particular
(05:13):
about it.
It had to be perfect, it had tobe right.
I wouldn't settle for anythingless and the wood wasn't
cooperating.
So I threw it on the floor ofmy shop and I smashed my foot,
stomping on it, ended up in acast for six weeks and, long
story short, I cried a lot thatnight.
I cried a lot, I was very angry, I was very sad.
It just didn't stop for hours.
And so when I came to termswith it days after that, I said
(05:37):
I have to accept that he's goneand he's not coming back.
And I still get crushed sayingthat phrase to myself, but it's
reality of it.
He's not coming back.
And it was sad to me for a lotof reasons, because I lost my
job.
Three months prior to that, Iwas dealing with narcissistic
abuse from my in-laws.
There was just a slew of thingsthat were happening.
And my son when I thought youknow, we were going to be a
(05:59):
happy family when he wassupposed to be born I was like,
well, at least I have him and atleast this child's going to
give me purpose and give memeaning and sure, caden still
does that, just does it in adifferent way.
So that term acceptance I usewith people is that you don't
have to like and you do not haveto agree with what happened.
That's the biggestmisconception with that.
Acceptance just means that youacknowledge what happened, right
(06:20):
, yeah, and just take it forwhat it is.
Yeah, and that stirs a lot ofthe hard emotions, by the way,
part of your healing process.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Sure, and obviously loss, losing someone through
death is incredible, but wouldyou still help someone if they
came to you and say, oh, youknow, I'm going through the
worst divorce and I've got allthese problems and everything?
Would you be able to helpsomeone like that?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Absolutely.
I shockingly funny story.
In the mortgage world I was infor eight years.
I helped a lot of people atvarious stages of divorce.
There's anger, resentment,betrayal.
There's lots of slew of thingsI won't go into.
There's a lot of grief and loss.
Right now I'm helping somebodythat's 58 years old and recently
tried to commit suicide acouple of days ago.
I'm helping that person.
I'm helping a lady right nowwho's lost a job and a
(07:07):
relationship.
So I share that my termacceptance coach.
The reason I chose that is thatgrief, loss and trauma is not
tied to losing a job.
It can be a job, it can be arelationship.
It could be losing a house, itcould be, I don't know, losing
something in your family.
There's a lot of things thatcould be.
Speaker 2 (07:24):
Absolutely.
You know, for a lot of peopleit could be losing a job, losing
the money that you've been usedto getting and you know,
getting a cut and pay, andlosing your lifestyle.
It could be so many things that, whatever the laws, you still
grieve it because grief is aloss.
We on this podcast really talkmostly about losing someone by
(07:45):
death, and the reason is becausewe feel that that is the one
that is least comfortable totalk about and, for goodness
sakes, it's finally trending theother way.
There are numerous podcasts nowon grief.
There are all kinds of newtitles out there, like
Acceptance Coach, life Coach,things like that that people
(08:06):
don't have to fear the stigma ofgoing to see a psychiatrist,
for example.
If they need help, they can gosee a coach, a therapist.
For a lot of people, just asingle word can make a world of
difference.
Do you have any way ofclarifying for us, in your
opinion, what the difference isbetween being an acceptance
(08:29):
coach and a therapist?
Speaker 3 (08:30):
Yeah, I'm actually really appreciative that you
asked that question, because nota lot of people do Something
that I'll share.
The generalized idea of it isthat coaching is very much about
how do we move forward.
It's very much that space thatwe accept.
What happened doesn't mean welike it, but we find what that
path is to move forward and thegrief space in particular.
Trigger words I tell people tobe very careful of when you go
(08:53):
see a therapist or a coach oryou're talking to people as
you're grieving.
Anybody that says move on orlet go or get on with things,
that is a very unsafe person totalk to.
So please do not put yourselfaround people like that.
There is only moving forwardfrom that and that means
learning how to use grief withyou.
Now, when you traditionally seea therapist, a lot of times in
(09:14):
my experience and I still go totherapy, by the way therapy is a
reflection on your past.
It's to look back and reflectand ask yourself was there
things I could have done better?
Are there things I can learnfrom this to help me move
forward?
Can I look at this from a newperspective?
It's very much looking back inyour past and trying to create
those solutions fromreverberating, regurgitating
what happened.
Coaching is very much.
(09:35):
Let's just say what happened,let's acknowledge it, accept it
and then let's try to figure outwhat does this path look like
moving forward.
So it's two differentapproaches that I both think are
very, very valuable.
By the way, and grief, I don't.
I don't think coaching isbetter than therapy.
I don't think therapy is betterthan coaching.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
I think, in my perspective, for whatever it's
worth is that you were rightthat one is kind of reflecting
back, and I know there's aslogan out there don't look back
, don't look in the mirror.
You're not going that way.
However, if you have feelingsof guilt or anything like that,
(10:15):
you're going to need to go backand revisit that.
So there is definitely value inboth aspects of it.
It's going to make a differencewhat is best for you, depending
on what you're going through,what you have gone through, and
that's one reason that Iencourage people, if they think
they want professional help, todon't just pick a name or take a
(10:37):
recommendation by someone andgo to one person.
Go to several.
Most therapists, coaches,social workers most of them will
have some type of introductoryfree consultation.
So we're not talkingout-of-pocket expenses, but you
want to make sure of severalthings.
What should people look forwhen they're trying to find the
(10:59):
right person for them?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
My biggest bit of advice that I can give everyone
today and I had to learn thisafter losing my son please only
talk to professionals, coachesor therapists that make you feel
safe.
I cannot press that harder as abutton, but you need to be in a
room with somebody that makesyou feel safe, somebody that
creates a space for you to beyou and express yourself fully.
People that coach with me a lotof times try to bottle up their
emotions or try to mutethemselves, and I tell them up
(11:27):
front.
When they do that, I say thisis a safe place for you to talk
right now.
There are no limitations withour conversation.
I want you to get things out.
If you need to, you know cussand scream and get that out that
way.
Please, by all means, do it.
I need you to get that emotionout the best way that you can so
you can see it.
You got to be able to expressyourself freely and you need to
also be with safe people, peoplethat make you feel seen and
(11:49):
heard and understood.
You're not crazy, you're notridiculous, you're not
overdramatic, you're not overlyemotional.
I've heard those things come up.
You're not any of those thingswhen you're going through grief.
Grief is a what I like to call.
Grief is like a roller coaster.
Some days you're cruising alongand it's real nice and life can
go.
Other days it's going to rearits ugly head and it's going to
feel like you're falling 10,000feet out of the air at 100 miles
(12:11):
an hour.
So be kind to yourself too asyou go through that process.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
Yeah, one of the first things I tell people, if
they say you know, what should Ido?
Is be patient with yourself.
You know, just be patient.
The analogy of the rollercoaster is so perfect, because
there's that moment where you'rejust terrified and then you
just kind of reach the top andthen all of a sudden you lose
your stomach, and it can happenthat quickly too.
Yeah, yeah, now in yoursessions with people, are they
(12:36):
individual sessions?
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Right now I'm only doing one-on-one coaching.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Okay, what's the benefit, then, of a group
session?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
I've done group coaching a few times and I've
been in the process of gettingthat started right now to
structure it.
But group coaching, you do haveit led by a coach such as
myself, and there's usually astructured topic with it every
week.
So it's usually a six to 12week program.
The biggest thing I like aboutgroup coaching is that if you
get the right people in thegroup I hate saying that, but
it's.
You know, for example, therewere 10 of us that lost children
(13:06):
.
Everybody's grief journey isdifferent.
It's individual to them, sodon't compare your situations.
One child loss is not worsethan the next.
I'll take that.
But you're going to find peoplesay this is how I learned to
heal, this is where my healingjourney took me.
Or I had this really bigbreakthrough last week when I
felt part in my grief processand this is what I learned from
this.
And so you get all thesedifferent perspectives from 10,
(13:28):
20 people and it may notnecessarily be what the coach
says, but it might be thatrandom person you're in the
group with that you all of asudden say I can relate with
John today.
I went through something likethat and he's right about that.
I can see that in that light.
That's, the real benefit togroup coaching is a lot of
perspectives and a lot of sharedstories.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Yeah, yeah, you can get that sense of oh, I'm not
alone in this, the more so thanif it's an individual session
and during your sessions do youhave different treatment
techniques or differentmodalities that you will use to
help people?
Speaker 3 (14:01):
I do.
I have a lot of certificationsfor coaching and I morph my
coaching sessions to the personthat's in front of me.
So if I have somebody that isfor lack of better terms
somebody who's very emotionaldriven, I change the way I coach
to match their personality,because if I don't talk in the
language they talk in, it's notgoing to get through.
So I have to.
A lot of my coaching, believeit or not, is learning about my
(14:23):
client.
How do they receive information?
How do they learn?
How do they process their grief?
What are those things that aretriggers for them?
What are those things that helpthem open up?
It's always a learning processfor me.
If I have a man, for example,that's a very typical,
traditional tough guy man, I'lltalk in that manner for them,
just so that they can get themost out of their experience.
(14:43):
So the tricky part about beinga coach is you've really got to
learn who's in front of you.
You got to learn their emotions, where they're at in their
healing process and how theywant to be talked to.
You have to learn those things.
How do you do that?
I do it through a series ofquestions and I usually in my
first session, my first coupleof sessions with people.
I don't talk that much.
I ask a lot of questions and Ilisten because I people in the
(15:06):
grief space want to be heard.
That's the big thing I'velearned.
After losing my kid I had a lotof people that just wanted to
tell me what their loss was likeand tell me, oh, it'll get
better with time or it won't beso bad.
Down the road I had two weeksago I had a thought and I said,
man, I wish I had been differentwhen my son was almost going to
be born.
I wish I had done this, I wishI had done that, or maybe if I
did this he'd still be here.
(15:26):
This is two and a half yearsafter I lost him.
So I use that as an example tosay when I coach people, I lean
into questions person so that Ican really connect with you.
And you know back to what youwere saying earlier, by the way,
kelly, if somebody is not rightfor you and you get that vibe,
it's okay, there's no negativething about that.
(15:46):
Just say we're not a good fitand that's okay.
I just need to go find theperson.
I feel safe with.
Speaker 2 (15:50):
Oh, absolutely Absolutely, because, yeah, and
you know, hopefully they'reprofessional enough to
understand that you know they'renot going to be right for
everybody, that they may have acertain manner about them or a
certain tone about the way theyspeak.
That just isn't going toprovoke a reaction in you, a
response, and you might find, oh, I don't feel comfortable
talking to them.
That's not somebody you want.
(16:11):
You know you want thesesessions to be successful.
Do you ever give your clientshomework?
Speaker 3 (16:17):
I give my homework every week when we have a call
Like what might you have them do.
For example, I have a clientright now that's grieving the
loss of a relationship that'sbeen over for 10 months and
she's caught in a negativeself-talk pattern and she tries
to reach out to this person alot, subjects herself to that
negativity a lot, and so one ofthe pieces of homework I gave
her is, I said, before you reachout to him and I'm not telling
(16:39):
you right or wrong, by the waybut before you reach out to him,
I want you to hit a stop clockon your phone for 90 seconds and
I want you to ask yourselfwhat's causing me to feel like I
need to reach out to thisperson that has clearly shown me
I'm not important or value tothem.
What's causing me to feel thisright now?
And then write down what am Ilooking or hoping to achieve out
of that phone call?
(17:00):
What am I looking, what do Ineed right now?
What are my needs?
Telling me.
And then I also want you towrite down am I going to get
that?
Am I going to feel seen?
Am I going to feel heard?
Am I going to feel understoodor am I going to feel like crap,
like what?
What am I going to feel, and Igave her that homework to say
that this is I can't tell youright or wrong and you're going
to do what you want to do but Iwant to help you understand and
process your emotions and thatmaybe through that process, by
(17:22):
the way, maybe you'll get tothose through those questions
and go.
Well, I said I want to call himtoday.
I don't need to, I'm good, I'mall set, I know who I am and so
I try to.
I give homework for people togo with them and feel themselves
and and help them make betterdecisions for themselves, and
that's why I say my coaching.
I can't tell you what to do andI never will, but I'll give you
(17:45):
suggestions to help you findyour answer and ultimately you
have.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Yeah, and we've we talked about in that initial
consultation, agreeing to workwith someone that you feel
comfortable with.
Have you ever had that initialconsultation and refused to
accept someone as a client basedon that?
Speaker 3 (17:59):
I've only had it happen a couple times, but I
really felt it was just not agood fit and I'll share this
openly.
It's more the business side ofcoaching for me, but I'll just
say that I am not a coach thatfeels comfortable taking
people's money if we're not agood fit.
And if I'm on the phone withsomebody one or two times, and
that's very much, just not in aplace where we're aligned, so to
(18:20):
speak, and there's somebodythat needs somebody different, I
see that I tell them honestlyI'm just not the right person
for you.
And it doesn't mean you're bad,doesn't mean you're wrong, but
just we're not a good fit and Iwant you to go to that person
that can actually help you.
And there's a lot of coaches outthere that won't do it.
They'll take your money andjust say, well, we'll try to
make it work or we'll try to dothis, and you waste people's
time and emotion and that'swhere, as a life coach, I'll
(18:42):
tell you people share me theirdeepest pain, their deepest,
darkest thing that they won'tshare other people.
And so you have a privilege anda sanctity, by the way, to be
respectful people, and I takethat very seriously in my
business.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Sure.
And how do you know when youhave done all you can for
someone?
How do you know when it's theend?
Speaker 3 (19:05):
That's a tough one in coaching.
I'll share that with you.
I have had clients I've workedwith that I feel like we've done
all we can, but life throwsthem a twist and that can be a
loss of any kind or just a shiftin where they're going.
And so for me, coaching issomething that's off and on and
ongoing with people.
When it is over, by the way,sometimes I've caught on to that
I hopefully To have anaccountability person.
(19:26):
I will always be there for you.
You'll never lose me, but if Icatch on to that, you've really
grown as a person and you reallyconquered what you came to work
with me to do, I'll let youknow, because I'm, first and
foremost, you know I make moneyhelping people, but on top of
that, it's the most beautifulthing to watch somebody go from
a bad place and to see thembetter than I found them and in
(19:49):
a place where they can carrythemselves.
I applaud and I congratulateand celebrate my clients every
time they do that, becausethat's the biggest
accomplishment you can get outof coaching.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, do you have.
If someone came to you and saidcan you recommend a book for me
to read?
Do you have any go-to book orbooks that you will recommend to
people?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
It really depends on the situation, but back in 2022,
when I lost my kid, I read 40books that year.
I read a lot of them.
If I have somebody that's moregoing through grief but it's
more been a masculine state,I'll recommend David Goggins'
Can't Hurt Me.
It's a beautiful story.
The first 50 pages of his bookmakes me cry because his dad
literally beat his mom and himwithin an inch of their life and
(20:29):
David suffers through painbecause he struggles with that
grief and trauma.
So I'll recommend a book likethat.
If there's also somebody that'sjust lost in life and has gone
through just average loss ofthings, so to speak.
Jen Cicero's book You're aBadass is a great book to
inspire you that you can achievethings even in the worst
moments of your life, whenyou're broke or you don't have
(20:51):
somebody around you and you feellike there's nothing.
That that book will lift you up.
It's just.
It's a great, great book.
I've got many others Irecommend to people, just
depending on where they're atyeah, and do you have themed
events throughout the year?
Speaker 2 (21:03):
not really a retreat or anything, but do you offer
like an event where you mighttalk about a certain topic or
anything like that?
Do you do anything like that?
Speaker 3 (21:11):
I'm in the process of putting those together this
year.
It's been a little tricky forme because I can coach on so
many things.
But something I am passionateabout, and I'm trying to find a
way to market it, is that menthat lose kids.
There's not a lot of supportfor us.
No, there isn't.
There's a lot of support forwomen, which I'm 100% behind.
My wife has gone through a lotafter losing her son and still,
(21:31):
to this day, have a battle withit.
But for men out there there'snot a lot of support.
We're told you know, suck it upand move on.
And unfortunately, men haveemotions, just like women do,
and we struggle.
We show it differently, by theway, we hide it.
But I want to reach out to menthat have lost a child and I
want to say, hey, this was justa bunch of loss, as it was for
your wife, and I want you to beable to learn how to express
(21:54):
your emotions and learn how youcan heal, because healing in
silence, it doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Well then jot the name down, tony Lynch, and look
him up on Facebook.
You need to connect with him.
You know my name, tony.
Oh, you know Tony.
Okay, then you already knowTony.
All right, he's a great guy.
Yeah, he would be my number one, for you know, if you want to
get into the Men's Grief Network, yeah, he's the great one to
help you get there.
Yeah, I worked with him on theglobal conference last year.
(22:22):
I'm not involved with them thisyear because I've just got too
much going on.
So, okay, well, time is windingdown, unfortunately, sadly.
I always enjoy talking with ourguests, and you're no different
.
You're very easy to talk to andwith, and I appreciate that
very much.
So this is the time in thepodcast where I turn the
microphone over to you and letyou just take the floor.
(22:44):
So it's your turn.
The floor is yours.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Well, if I could give one message today to those who
are listening today that aregoing through loss or grief or
trauma, what I want you guys tofocus on is being kind to
yourself.
Grief is a roller coaster thatyou're going to feel fine some
days and you're going to be atrade wreck the next, and I want
you to know it's okay, it'scompletely normal to do that.
When you do that, by the way, Iwant you to focus on your
(23:09):
emotions you feel.
I want you to understand andwrite down.
Journaling has been a reallyhelpful thing for me.
Write down.
I feel this way today.
I'm having these thoughts today.
Be very kind to yourself and dothat.
It's a big part of healing.
The other thing I can sharewith you I was able to find it
in two years after going throughwhat I went through, but
there's always a gift and alesson and a blessing in these
moments and I know in the middleof that and grief, it can be
(23:32):
very hard to see that and almostin times, impossible.
I've been there myself, butjust know that these experiences
happened for you.
They didn't happen to you, andthese situations will make you a
stronger and better person overlife.
You're going to have a big giftto contribute to other people
who go through it and if you canbe, if you can learn to be kind
to yourself and work on healingyourself and put yourself in a
(23:53):
good place, however long thattakes you to get there, you will
always be able to help otherpeople that go through it and
that's the biggest gift that weall get through our grief and
loss.
My other thing I can share withyou guys if you do want to
connect with me for whateverreason, and I love meeting new
people.
I've had a lot of great peoplethis year.
I'm on Facebook.
Feel free to come look me up.
You can comment or DM me.
I'm always open forconversations, to things.
(24:15):
I learn new things by everybodyI talk to.
You guys can also visit mywebsite, wwwseptancecoachcom.
I do a free one hour call withanybody who'd like to see what
coaching is about and kind oflike Kelly's talked about today.
The reason I'm offering a freeone hour call is because I want
you to feel free to tell mewhat's going on in your life,
what you're dealing with, whatyou're going through.
I also want to give you theopportunity to get to know me.
(24:37):
Am I a good fit for you to workwith?
Are we?
Do you feel safe around me?
Do you feel comfortable enoughto talk about it?
I really want to give you thatspace to be you and make a good
decision for you as far as whichhealing path you need.
And other than that, I justwant to say there's really no
moving on and getting over itwhen you're on healing journey.
It's a lifelong, it doesn't end.
There's moving forward with itto the best of your ability, but
(25:00):
don't let anybody take awaywhat you've gone through,
because that's your personalexperience.
It's your journey.
You will heal on your own terms, in your own way, and I want
you to know that that, no matterwhat people tell you, it's your
journey and make sure thatyou're being kind and being fair
to yourself and feeling whatyou need to feel.
That's what I want to leave youguys with.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Well said, well said, kelly.
Do you have any questions orcomments?
I don't at the moment, but Ithink I want to be an acceptance
coach now that happens.
A very good listener, I lovethat.
Yeah, you learn a lot on thispodcast and, in addition to
getting to talk to all theguests and we've had so many in
(25:41):
our conversations have run thegamut from psychics to brain
scientists and neuroscientistsand parents and personal stories
and everything.
But with every single guest Ihave learned something.
I really have, you know, evenif it's a clever phrase or a new
quote or just a perspectivethat I didn't think about before
(26:04):
, and that my bonus for thispodcast is how much it has
helped me on a personal level.
It's helped me with my owngrief, it's helped me with
acceptance, it's helped me withmy listening.
It's just helped me in so, somany ways.
So I agree, kelly, and you know, you probably know enough that
you could be an acceptance coach, but there is value to
(26:24):
certifications and littledegrees and everything like that
.
In the intro for our podcast,you know, I say I make it a
point to say that we're nottherapists, we're not clinicians
.
We're, you know, we're notmedical providers, we are you,
and that's one reason I thinkthis podcast works as well as it
(26:45):
does, because we're not sellinga service.
We don't allow ads in themiddle of our podcast episodes.
We're not trying to monetize it.
This is our gift to people tohelp them feel more comfortable
about their grief journey andabout grief in general, so that
they can talk about it morefreely and so that they
understand there's no shame ingrieving.
It's something everyone goesthrough, is going to go through,
(27:08):
and I'm sorry, but I alsobelieve that, after going
through the pandemic, there's noone in the world that can say
I've never grieved.
We all lost something in thatpandemic Something, some things,
many things.
So, having said all that, Iwant to thank you again, chris,
for coming on the podcast,taking time.
I want to thank you for thework you do as well.
(27:30):
I do think that Acceptance Coachis a great.
It's a great title and it justsays so much about the
perspective you want people tohave on their grief journey.
The other thing I want to do isshare a quote that really is
almost a light bulb moment withme, and it was just a couple
days ago.
I saw this when someone wastelling a story about how much
(27:51):
they had been crying, justsobbing and sobbing and sobbing.
And someone said to them cryingis not pain, crying is healing.
And I thought, wow, you knowwhat a statement, because it's
pouring that emotion out, that'shelping you heal, and I thought
that was such a neatperspective.
So I'm leaving everyone withthat thought Take care of
(28:13):
yourselves.
Come back again next week foranother episode of as I Live and
Grieve.
Thanks again, chris, thank youKathy.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Thank you so much for listening with us today.
Do you have a topic that you'dlike us to cover or do you have
a question from one of ourepisodes?
Please email us at info at as Ilive and grievecom, and let us
know.
We hope you will find a momentto leave a review, send an email
and share with others.
Join us next time as wecontinue to live and grieve
(28:44):
together.
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