April 24, 2025 • 36 mins
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Let me ask you something.
If you stepped away from yourcommunity unexpectedly for 30
days or just decided this wasit, is there somebody that is
ready to take your place?
Is there somebody that you'vebeen training?
Is there somebody that you couldsay, you've got this, I believe
in you.
If there's not my advice to youtoday, and what we wanna talk
(00:24):
about is let's start buildingmore freedom for you.
If there's not someone that youcould just give the reins to for
you to take a vacation a weekendor 30 days for a medical
emergency, then we gotta startbuilding that for you because.
(00:48):
You deserve time off, right?
And that's what the episode isall about today.
It's all about creatinginfluence, mentorship, going
from control to coaching, beinga strategic coach and
understanding that it is in yourbest interest to have somebody
(01:12):
that can step in for you in adrop of a hat because.
Folks, freedom ain't free.
And if you want uninterruptedtime off, you need to be
investing in your leadershipteam or somebody inside of your
community that can problemsolve, understand the regs, and
(01:35):
make decisions quickly and keepyour community running
consistently.
Welcome to this episode of TheAspire for More with Aaron
podcast, where today we're goingto break down the lie of control
based leadership and step intowhat I truly believe transforms
(01:57):
senior living and that'sinfluence.
We have got to let go of controland we gotta start embracing
influence.
And hopefully you're alreadythere.
And if you're not, this is justthe beginning because this is
influence honestly, is thefuture of leadership for senior
(02:20):
living, for actually everybodyinside, businesses where you now
have multiple generations whereyou're gonna have some baby
boomers.
You're gonna have somemillennials, you're gonna have
some generation Gen Xers, genZers, and then all the other
(02:40):
generations coming up.
We are getting past the point ofbeing able to tell people what
to do and those people doing it.
It's just.
We're not there, and I thinkwe're not there anymore.
And I think that what ishappening with burnout and
(03:03):
frustration and, and having tofeel like we have to do
everything, which is a controlmindset, is we are asking people
to do things and expecting themto do it, but not giving them a
why or maybe even a trueunderstanding of.
What to do.
(03:25):
We think they know, and maybethey know, but maybe they don't
know.
And so this extra burden ofproof is on us.
This extra burden of teaching,exposing mentoring is on the
leader to ensure that thisperson knows what to do, and not
(03:45):
in a negative way, but in apositive.
I see you.
I want you to live to your fullpotential kind of way.
It's important to understand andto give yourself grace in this
way, because I have struggledwith this very thing that we're
(04:06):
talking about.
Control, doing it myself.
But when I made an intentionaleffort to train people in
advance and tie the why into it,and the impact of why this works
for them in a positive way,something as simple as bringing
residents to the activitiesprogramming, if you're in memory
care, why that benefits thecaregiver to do that is.
(04:30):
We think it's too hard some waysthe time element of the term
investment and time does matter,but the long-term gain.
For this short term effort isreally, really important to
understand.
(04:51):
And the other aspect is this.
I think this is really a keythat I have come to understand
now more today than I fullyunderstood while I was inside
the community.
And I use this every day.
to my benefit as the leader ofthe community to understand that
(05:12):
the only expectation that I needto have is an expectation for
myself.
I need to live my life at ahigher standard that I can
control my reactions, myunderstanding.
I'm not setting myself up fordisappointment.
My expectations are high becausethis is the standard that I want
(05:32):
to live to, and my expectationsof others are at a basic
standard of civility andhumanity and policy and
procedure and regulatory.
When we expect a version ofourselves from other people, we
(05:54):
set other people up to fail.
It is unfair to put anexpectation of my own standard,
my education, the investment inmy growth, the investment in my
mental health, the investment inmy emotional health, the
investment in the way that Iwant to feel on other people.
(06:16):
They let me down in some way,shape, or form.
Right, but when I understandthat my expectation is to live a
certain way and no one elseinfluences that, except for
people who live a higherstandard than me, and I wanna
live up to that standard andthat other people's choices no
longer define my worth, nolonger define my experience.
(06:41):
It only shows me where my focusneeds to go.
That is an inherent mindsetshift from control to influence.
I cannot control somebody'sreactions.
I cannot control somebody'sdecisions that they make based
(07:02):
on the lens of life that theylook through.
There have been times when I wasworking inside of a community
where I invested so much of mytime and energy to make people
feel valued, seen, heard.
They understood their role,their impact, everything.
When they walked into mycommunity, it wasn't perfect by
(07:24):
any stretch of the imagination,but they knew how important they
were to me and the success ofthis community, and yet many
people.
Made bad choices and did thingsthat said things that really
hurt my feelings, could saydevastated me, really.
(07:47):
I don't change the way I act.
I don't change the standard ofthe way that I lead.
I don't change anything becausethey made bad decisions.
I can't control that, but I cancontrol how I want to lead my
community in an authentic wayBut because I learned and at the
(08:10):
beginning stages of learningthat I don't get to control and
that it doesn't matter how muchlove and attention and affection
that I pour into people, theycan only react at the level of
emotional maturity that they'reat.
(08:32):
And it doesn't matter how much Ipour into them without them
pouring into themselves andhaving self-awareness and
self-regulation andunderstanding the bigger picture
and understanding what their ownworth is.
They are going to react the waythat they know how to react.
(08:54):
The expectations that we havefor people, the understanding
that we can't control people andthe decisions they make, it
releases us from the pressurethat control brings.
That's why influence becomes soattractive as a leader.
(09:15):
It's because it releases us.
From understanding that we areresponsible for people's
actions.
No.
We are accountable for people'sactions.
We're not responsible for them.
And that's a big, big, bigdifference.
Big difference.
If you do your training and youhave documentation and you're
(09:36):
communicating well, and you'releading well, and you've got the
flow going on inside yourcommunity, you are going to have
moments.
that just knock you downsometimes.
Like why would you make thisdecision?
The difference that control andinfluence brings to you in how
we house these emotions iscontrol makes you feel
(10:00):
responsible, but influenceteaches you that you're not,
you're just accountable.
You have to do something aboutthe decisions that were made.
But you don't house the guiltbecause you're not responsible
for it.
And so that's why it's importantto really, for me to focus in on
(10:22):
the illusion that we've allbought into in healthcare.
And I think some of it has to dowith the pressures of occupancy,
the pressures of survey, thepressures of families, like we
all have all these expectations,and the only way that we know
how to survive theseexpectations is to control
things.
Because it makes you feel incontrol, right?
(10:44):
It makes me feel in control.
If I feel like I can set thetone and be apart and double
check all the things and checkoff things and have you report
to me, and then I dictate to youwhat you need to do, that feels
like you're in control, butreally that's a lie.
(11:05):
Because you are giving up somuch to be in control.
Freedom isn't free.
Control isn't success, right?
Maybe control brings you shortwins, maybe control gives you a
great survey, but what did itcost you?
More than likely, it cost you apeace of mind, freedom and a lot
(11:27):
of time at home.
I used to think that being incontrol meant I was a good
leader.
I answered everything first.
I checked everything twice,before I left I made sure all
the i's were dotted and the T'sare crossed.
let me tell you, those thingsare good, especially when you're
having to rebuild a reputation.
(11:48):
Or rebuild a department orhaving a plan of correction
after a really bad survey.
Those things are important, andespecially when you're trying to
train somebody, those things arerequired, but how long you stay
in those moments ofmicromanaging and control is
really, really important becauseif you stay there, there's no
(12:13):
freedom, there's no growth foryou.
Or for the people that you'retrying to train.
No growth in a control room.
Only orders given.
Orders completed, andcommunication back.
It's exhausting trying tocontrol everything.
the senior living culture hasnormalized burnout and
(12:36):
martyrdom.
You know, having theseconversations of how much I have
worked, I've worked 12 hours forthe last seven days in a row.
I mean, how many times have weheard that statement?
And I have been one to say oneof those, but activity.
Is not accomplishment.
Right?
Being busy is not beingproductive, and there are days
(12:58):
when we have to work 12 hourdays and those days we're
productive every single hour,right?
But if that's the norm, we'vegot problems.
We gotta look at our systems, wegotta look at what we're trying
to control, and we're notempowering other leaders.
Okay?
Being a hero and being a martyrare two different sides of the
(13:20):
same coin.
It's, that's a little bitaggressive, and that's a little
bit dramatic, right?
But when people are praising youfor everything that you're
doing, and you're working 12hours a day, seven to 12 days in
a row, you feel good about whatyou're doing.
But when people start tellingyou what you're not doing right,
(13:43):
things that you're missing.
And you're working seven to 10days in a row, 12 hour shifts,
you're getting upset becausethey're not seeing the effort
that you're putting in.
And in those moments, I want youto ask yourself, am I busy?
Am I doing activities?
But I'm not productive, I don'tfeel accomplished.
(14:06):
That's the spinning your wheels.
It's because you're trying tocontrol too much.
You're focusing on things thatyou cannot affect change on.
And you're not paying attentionto what has to be done by you,
only you, what's expected, andthings to bring the vision and
move the community forward andnot just stay in the same
(14:28):
position, which could be anegative position.
So real talk here.
Most of us are survivingleadership.
We're not scaling it.
Control is survival mode.
Influence is scalability.
Sustainability.
It's literally being able towalk away from your phone when
(14:49):
you're at home, or literallybeing able to go on a vacation
and not worry 24 hours a day.
Freedom isn't free.
It comes from multiplyingleadership and power authority
tasks, problem solving.
Not from hoarding it.
(15:09):
You gotta give people theopportunity to sink or swim.
Think about why you're so goodat what you do.
Is it because somebody allowedyou to make mistakes and learn
from them, or is it because theydid everything for you and you
figured it out on your own?
(15:30):
Most of the time it's becausesomebody gave us projects to do
and told us to figure it out.
And we had the willingness andthe fortitude to try to do it.
We can't expect our leaders tobe who we want them or need them
to be.
if we're not giving them theopportunity to try get it right
(15:54):
or get it wrong, and learn fromthe experience.
You gotta let go of control andlet them figure it out.
Let them get uncomfortable.
Let them work it out.
We want to be able to help them,mentor them.
We don't want to bring solutionsto them all the time.
(16:17):
We wanna be a strategic coachand not necessarily the first
responder solving all theproblems.
We wanna create the space forgrowth and the opportunity to do
the work to grow.
So let's talk about the threelevels of leadership influence
that are really, reallyimportant.
(16:40):
Control based leadership is thelowest level of leadership
influence.
Okay?
This is the exhausting.
I decide everything.
I decide for you what you willdo.
I have to have the authority.
I may delegate tasks for you,but I'm gonna teach you how to
do them.
I'm gonna tell you how to dothem.
(17:02):
I'm going to potentially even doit for you because you're not
doing it well enough or fastenough, and I'm going to lead
through enforcing the rules,micromanaging, maybe some
fear-based leadership tactics inthere.
And the result of that type ofleadership, I'm sure you know,
it can be high stress, lowtrust, and disengaged teams.
(17:25):
The secret to know is thattrust, that five letter word is
where influence is born, wherethat safe space is when I feel
like I can trust somebody I'mgonna work really hard for them,
right?
At a control based leadership, Ican't even trust myself if my
(17:48):
leader is micromanaging me.
at this level, leaders aretrying to micromanage
everything, their teams, theiroutcomes, even the circumstances
that they cannot control.
The only thing going back to thefront part of this episode is
the only thing that you cancontrol.
(18:08):
Are your own choices, your ownresponses, the way that you look
at every situation.
You cannot control peopleoutcomes or circumstances.
Now, I do believe you caninfluence them, and I do believe
you can be very proactive.
You can find patterns.
You can identify the patternsyou can use the patterns, and
(18:32):
you can create patterns foryourself.
That is true.
But you cannot control all theelements to keep people in
making the right decisions, andyou have to figure out why you
wanna do that in the firstplace.
I think one of the mostfascinating things about a very
(18:54):
empowering and growth culture isthat there's creativity in
problem solving.
Okay, there's room for somebodyto look at, a wholistic
viewpoint of a resident or anincident and figure out what is
the best way to solve thisproblem.
(19:15):
If we're not given the space tothink about it critically and
creatively, then we're not gonnaget to the root of the problem.
Control based leadership failsbecause there is no creativity.
There is no room to look at aproblem and think about it from
many different angles.
(19:37):
Innovation, problem solving, oreven adaptability, becomes hard
because of the fear of failingand the reaction from a leader
who is going to get upset thatit wasn't done the way that it
was supposed to be.
There's no ownership inside of acontrol based leadership led
(19:59):
community.
Employees feel powerless,disengaged, or frustrated?
I mean, I've been there.
Haven't you been there?
No.
Retention or if there are, it'sthe wrong people.
if you're leading from a controlstandpoint, you're going to.
(20:20):
Lose people who want thecreativity, who wanna own their
department, who want to becomebetter leaders.
And you're going to keep thepeople who like the drama and
wanna fight you for control, orthe ones who are willing to do
whatever it is you say and notthink anything more about it.
(20:41):
And that's why we don't grow.
and there's no impact, Theleader is focused on what they
can't control, and so you'realways going to be busy and
nothing is going to change.
That's what control basedleadership does.
It's an incubator forshame-based leadership.
Resentment and the loss ofhighly committed employees at
(21:03):
every level.
Shame-based leadership, is whatbreeds gossip and an internal
lack of control.
And absolutely no wins.
No wins, no motivation, noinspiration, nothing.
(21:24):
Shame makes me feel not enough.
So what's the point?
We gotta let go of that.
We gotta let go of the feartactics And honestly, if you
think about senior living as awhole, all the calls that we're
on and the pressure that's givento us The threatening statements
(21:46):
that happen sometimes, whetheror not people are aware that
they're doing this or not.
These are shame-based leadershiptactics.
Whereas if you go to aninfluence based, you're looking
at the potential of people andso you're building them up,
whether in a controlled basedleadership, you're making them
feel bad that they didn't liveup to an expectation that maybe
(22:09):
wasn't even communicated.
Some warning signs of controlbased leaders.
you often address entire teamsas if everyone is the problem.
This is really important to pullout control based leaders, talk
to a team in a room, as if theentire team is the problem.
(22:34):
when you're in a room and you'retraining and you're having like
your all associate meeting oryou have to have a hard meeting.
I think it's really important toalways talk to the people who
listen and who do a great job,because what happens then is you
influence the room in a positiveway.
And you're speaking to thepotential of what could be.
(22:56):
Whereas when we speak to theentire room because one bad
Apple made a bad choice, all ofa sudden everybody feels shame.
Everybody feels controlled andnobody feels seen.
And in fact, we're starting tobuild that resentment,
especially when people call outand you start talking to the
people who actually showed up.
(23:18):
In a way that you should betalking to the people who called
out.
They are getting the brunt ofyour frustration, and they
didn't deserve it, nor did theyearn it.
It's a really powerful way.
to bring this home, make aneffort to speak to the potential
of people in big meetings so youcan influence the room up
(23:41):
instead of drag the energy down.
There are obviously meetingsthat have to be had after bad
decisions and differentcircumstances that we have to
discuss the hard things.
But when you speak about it inan influential, positive, real
way, you're going to get more ofan impact than you would than if
(24:05):
you were just talking toeverybody as if everybody made
the mistake.
Control based communication willcreate compliance, but it will
not create connection, andthat's important.
Compliance will work short term,but it doesn't necessarily
extend out long term.
(24:25):
It's exhausting.
It's unsustainable and honestlyinside senior living.
It's ineffective in ourworkforce today.
I feel like if this feels likewhere you are, I want you to
know I'm not judging you.
I've been there.
I've certainly led this way.
I've been managed this way, but.
(24:47):
There is a better way forward,and that's the point of this
influence is where we wanna go.
the next phase up the ladder isgoing to be management based
leadership.
And management based leadershipis not necessarily, I decide it
is.
I direct, and I think most of usspend our time here in
(25:11):
management.
We recognize that the only thingthat we can truly control is our
choices, but we also begin tosee that we can control our
commitment by making decisionsrooted in our own values,
vision, and personal integrity.
I believe that commitment iswhat separates success from
(25:32):
failure and management basedleadership.
You can start creatingconnection here and connection
leads to commitment.
If you can connect people'sactions with the impact, you've
got influence, you've gotconnection, you've got
commitment, you've got apositive outcome, and hopefully
you've got trust so you can letthem go and they can do the
(25:55):
right thing.
Most people default to controlbased leadership, not because it
works, but because they fearfailure.
But without failure, we knowthat there's no real success.
We know that every opportunity,every problem to solve, every
complaint that comes our way isan opportunity to grow and learn
(26:22):
and lead our teams in doingthings better.
But they have to prove that theycan.
A growth culture, one thatallows the space to make
mistakes, evaluate it, and thenlearn from it is how you're
gonna create freedom andinfluence inside of your
community.
(26:44):
Management based leadershipfeels comfortable.
It does feel comfortable.
It's where most of us operate.
I direct you, I'll tell you whatto do.
You just go and do it, right?
It keeps the community running.
It maintains order and ensuresstability, but things can be
better.
(27:05):
You know?
It's better than control based.
But you are still having to hearyour name a lot.
You're still having to directpeople and solve the problems.
We want it to be better, andthat is how we're gonna move
from managing to influencing.
And it starts with us.
It starts with rewiring how wethink about leadership.
(27:25):
Embracing discomfort as a partof growth because it is growing,
is certainly uncomfortableGrowing pains are real.
And it starts with a willingnessto step beyond control.
And here's this five littleletter word, again, trust, step
out of control and starttrusting your people.
(27:45):
If you can go from, I decide toI direct and you can trust them,
that they're gonna come to you,they're gonna do the work, and
then they're gonna give youfeedback, you can start trusting
them more.
Management based is likedelegating tasks.
And as we go into influencebased leadership, it's
delegating tasks and authority.
(28:08):
So influence based leadership iswhere the success and the
freedom lies.
And I will tell you, when youwork for a profession that is
365 days a year, seven days aweek, 24 hours a day, freedom.
Means different things than justfreedom.
(28:34):
We're, creating more freedom foryou.
We're not creating freedom foryou,'cause we all have
responsibilities inside of ourcommunity.
But influence based leadershipshifts your focus from control
to connection becauserelationships become the top
priority.
This is where you get to createa community that is truly a
(28:54):
great place to live and workthat will attract great people
to want to work inside of yourcommunity so you can develop a
team that sees their role asbeing vital to the success of
the team, right?
The success of a team are thecollective strengths of the team
members together, That is whatsuccess looks like in an
(29:18):
influential based leadershipcommunity.
The approach is different.
Again, you go back, and when yougo into meetings, you speak into
others, what you see in them,you help them take ownership of
their departments or roles.
You connect their actions totheir impact.
(29:39):
They see why they need to do acertain thing.
Hmm, and what the result is, andthey're like, oh, I wanna keep
doing that because I see thebenefit of it.
And you ensure that people andpolicies work together and never
against each other.
You don't wanna hoard all theinformation and the knowledge.
(30:00):
You want to give it out, and youwant to build people up.
Empowering others is wherefreedom is made.
You let go of control and youempower others to make
decisions, and then you supportthem along the way.
Influence gets its power throughthe strength and the
(30:22):
collaboration of the team.
You embrace your strengths, thestrengths of others, and
leverage them together.
Now, I am an elderly millennialfolks.
Do you remember Captain Planet?
Captain Planet became CaptainPlanet when all the powers
combined into one, It is whenthe collective came together,
(30:47):
intentionally delivered theirstrengths.
For the result of the bettergood That is the type of
influence that we want inside ofour communities.
That is what truly makes a greatplace to live and work.
When your team believes this,your growth.
(31:08):
Starts working on autopilot.
And I know this sounds reallylike, you know, pie in the sky.
For some of us, and maybe someof you already have this, but I
genuinely created teams that hadthis kind of flow inside of
them, I worked at four differentcommunities, and honestly, the
(31:31):
teams that I had at eachcommunity impacted my life in
such a vital way.
And each stage of my life, theywere so pivotal to my own
personal development, but itwasn't a piece of cake.
I mean, there were team membersthat turned over in certain
departments all the time, and weall had to pitch in in those
areas to different degrees.
(31:55):
But even when one or twomanagers were a constant
revolving door, the rest of uswere a tight knit group.
And I wanna say, I talk a lotabout what I do wrong because I
think that's certainly moreinteresting than what I did.
Right?
But something that I'm veryproud of myself in my leadership
(32:16):
is knowing what I was good atand what I wasn't, and allowing
culinary directors.
To be very creative.
You have a budget, you have yourorder guide.
You know where you have to orderyour food.
Go create magic, right?
Do something that lights yourfire because whatever lights
your fire, the residents aregonna enjoy the activity program
(32:39):
the same way.
I did have a little struggle inrelieving a little bit of
control over to the sales andmarketing directors.
'cause I do generally like salesand marketing.
But when I found someone whocould connect on every level and
problem solve, I had to step outand become a supporting
character instead of the maincharacter in the sales and
(33:00):
marketing efforts.
And when I had a director ofnursing that could solve
problems, answer calls, keep theregs up to date, and then tell
me what she was doing to solvethe problems, I had to step back
and let her be that person.
And there were moments where Ididn't want to, and there were
moments that I struggled andthere were moments that I picked
back up the control bag when Ishould have just let it go.
(33:24):
And there are moments that I wasso thankful that I could walk
away because I had an amazingteam.
But it starts with me as aleader and do I see potential?
Am I building them up?
And am I giving them theopportunity to get it wrong in a
safe environment where I'm gonnateach them how to get it right,
(33:46):
and I had to be okay with itbeing just okay.
For the next few episodes, Ireally wanna deep dive more into
influence based leadership andhow to shift from control to
influence.
And so we're gonna spend, mysolo episodes going over how to
shift from control basedLeadership to influence based
(34:09):
leadership.
And the next episode we're gonnatalk about how really we as a
leader can use questions to helpus shift our mindset, I believe
questions.
Or what helps people own theirdepartment and it helps us stay
(34:31):
in check to not rush tosolutions, but to offer support
and strategies for them to findtheir own solutions to their
problems.
So stay tuned for the soloepisodes in the month of May,
we're gonna dive more into thisand.
Of course, I wanna remind youabout my new Executive Director
(34:51):
Leadership Playbook that's out,getting a lot of great positive
feedback.
And if you wanna be in ourleadership accelerator, to
support this course and tosupport your mentorship, I want
to invite you.
Please feel free to email me.
It's Erin Thompson at Aspire Formore with erin.com and we will
talk about everything that thisaccelerator offers.
(35:12):
Until then.
I want you to think about this.
Leadership isn't about doingmore.
It's about influencing more andinspiring your team to grow
because influence begins whencontrol ends and leadership
(35:33):
grows when trust starts.
Freedom isn't free, but it isworth it every time.
Short term discomfort for longterm sustainability is a payoff
that you're willing to spend.
I promise you.
Thank you for your time.
(35:54):
As always, aspire for more foryou and I'll look for you the
next time.
Let me ask you something.
If you stepped away from yourcommunity unexpectedly for 30
days or just decided this wasit, is there somebody that is
ready to take your place?
Is there somebody that you'vebeen training?
Is there somebody that you couldsay, you've got this, I believe
in you.
If there's not my advice to youtoday, and what we wanna talk
(00:24):
about is let's start buildingmore freedom for you.
If there's not someone that youcould just give the reins to for
you to take a vacation a weekendor 30 days for a medical
emergency, then we gotta startbuilding that for you because.
(00:48):
You deserve time off, right?
And that's what the episode isall about today.
It's all about creatinginfluence, mentorship, going
from control to coaching, beinga strategic coach and
understanding that it is in yourbest interest to have somebody
(01:12):
that can step in for you in adrop of a hat because.
Folks, freedom ain't free.
And if you want uninterruptedtime off, you need to be
investing in your leadershipteam or somebody inside of your
community that can problemsolve, understand the regs, and
(01:35):
make decisions quickly and keepyour community running
consistently.
Welcome to this episode of TheAspire for More with Aaron
podcast, where today we're goingto break down the lie of control
based leadership and step intowhat I truly believe transforms
(01:57):
senior living and that'sinfluence.
We have got to let go of controland we gotta start embracing
influence.
And hopefully you're alreadythere.
And if you're not, this is justthe beginning because this is
influence honestly, is thefuture of leadership for senior
(02:20):
living, for actually everybodyinside, businesses where you now
have multiple generations whereyou're gonna have some baby
boomers.
You're gonna have somemillennials, you're gonna have
some generation Gen Xers, genZers, and then all the other
(02:40):
generations coming up.
We are getting past the point ofbeing able to tell people what
to do and those people doing it.
It's just.
We're not there, and I thinkwe're not there anymore.
And I think that what ishappening with burnout and
(03:03):
frustration and, and having tofeel like we have to do
everything, which is a controlmindset, is we are asking people
to do things and expecting themto do it, but not giving them a
why or maybe even a trueunderstanding of.
What to do.
(03:25):
We think they know, and maybethey know, but maybe they don't
know.
And so this extra burden ofproof is on us.
This extra burden of teaching,exposing mentoring is on the
leader to ensure that thisperson knows what to do, and not
(03:45):
in a negative way, but in apositive.
I see you.
I want you to live to your fullpotential kind of way.
It's important to understand andto give yourself grace in this
way, because I have struggledwith this very thing that we're
(04:06):
talking about.
Control, doing it myself.
But when I made an intentionaleffort to train people in
advance and tie the why into it,and the impact of why this works
for them in a positive way,something as simple as bringing
residents to the activitiesprogramming, if you're in memory
care, why that benefits thecaregiver to do that is.
(04:30):
We think it's too hard some waysthe time element of the term
investment and time does matter,but the long-term gain.
For this short term effort isreally, really important to
understand.
(04:51):
And the other aspect is this.
I think this is really a keythat I have come to understand
now more today than I fullyunderstood while I was inside
the community.
And I use this every day.
to my benefit as the leader ofthe community to understand that
(05:12):
the only expectation that I needto have is an expectation for
myself.
I need to live my life at ahigher standard that I can
control my reactions, myunderstanding.
I'm not setting myself up fordisappointment.
My expectations are high becausethis is the standard that I want
(05:32):
to live to, and my expectationsof others are at a basic
standard of civility andhumanity and policy and
procedure and regulatory.
When we expect a version ofourselves from other people, we
(05:54):
set other people up to fail.
It is unfair to put anexpectation of my own standard,
my education, the investment inmy growth, the investment in my
mental health, the investment inmy emotional health, the
investment in the way that Iwant to feel on other people.
(06:16):
They let me down in some way,shape, or form.
Right, but when I understandthat my expectation is to live a
certain way and no one elseinfluences that, except for
people who live a higherstandard than me, and I wanna
live up to that standard andthat other people's choices no
longer define my worth, nolonger define my experience.
(06:41):
It only shows me where my focusneeds to go.
That is an inherent mindsetshift from control to influence.
I cannot control somebody'sreactions.
I cannot control somebody'sdecisions that they make based
(07:02):
on the lens of life that theylook through.
There have been times when I wasworking inside of a community
where I invested so much of mytime and energy to make people
feel valued, seen, heard.
They understood their role,their impact, everything.
When they walked into mycommunity, it wasn't perfect by
(07:24):
any stretch of the imagination,but they knew how important they
were to me and the success ofthis community, and yet many
people.
Made bad choices and did thingsthat said things that really
hurt my feelings, could saydevastated me, really.
(07:47):
I don't change the way I act.
I don't change the standard ofthe way that I lead.
I don't change anything becausethey made bad decisions.
I can't control that, but I cancontrol how I want to lead my
community in an authentic wayBut because I learned and at the
(08:10):
beginning stages of learningthat I don't get to control and
that it doesn't matter how muchlove and attention and affection
that I pour into people, theycan only react at the level of
emotional maturity that they'reat.
(08:32):
And it doesn't matter how much Ipour into them without them
pouring into themselves andhaving self-awareness and
self-regulation andunderstanding the bigger picture
and understanding what their ownworth is.
They are going to react the waythat they know how to react.
(08:54):
The expectations that we havefor people, the understanding
that we can't control people andthe decisions they make, it
releases us from the pressurethat control brings.
That's why influence becomes soattractive as a leader.
(09:15):
It's because it releases us.
From understanding that we areresponsible for people's
actions.
No.
We are accountable for people'sactions.
We're not responsible for them.
And that's a big, big, bigdifference.
Big difference.
If you do your training and youhave documentation and you're
(09:36):
communicating well, and you'releading well, and you've got the
flow going on inside yourcommunity, you are going to have
moments.
that just knock you downsometimes.
Like why would you make thisdecision?
The difference that control andinfluence brings to you in how
we house these emotions iscontrol makes you feel
(10:00):
responsible, but influenceteaches you that you're not,
you're just accountable.
You have to do something aboutthe decisions that were made.
But you don't house the guiltbecause you're not responsible
for it.
And so that's why it's importantto really, for me to focus in on
(10:22):
the illusion that we've allbought into in healthcare.
And I think some of it has to dowith the pressures of occupancy,
the pressures of survey, thepressures of families, like we
all have all these expectations,and the only way that we know
how to survive theseexpectations is to control
things.
Because it makes you feel incontrol, right?
(10:44):
It makes me feel in control.
If I feel like I can set thetone and be apart and double
check all the things and checkoff things and have you report
to me, and then I dictate to youwhat you need to do, that feels
like you're in control, butreally that's a lie.
(11:05):
Because you are giving up somuch to be in control.
Freedom isn't free.
Control isn't success, right?
Maybe control brings you shortwins, maybe control gives you a
great survey, but what did itcost you?
More than likely, it cost you apeace of mind, freedom and a lot
(11:27):
of time at home.
I used to think that being incontrol meant I was a good
leader.
I answered everything first.
I checked everything twice,before I left I made sure all
the i's were dotted and the T'sare crossed.
let me tell you, those thingsare good, especially when you're
having to rebuild a reputation.
(11:48):
Or rebuild a department orhaving a plan of correction
after a really bad survey.
Those things are important, andespecially when you're trying to
train somebody, those things arerequired, but how long you stay
in those moments ofmicromanaging and control is
really, really important becauseif you stay there, there's no
(12:13):
freedom, there's no growth foryou.
Or for the people that you'retrying to train.
No growth in a control room.
Only orders given.
Orders completed, andcommunication back.
It's exhausting trying tocontrol everything.
the senior living culture hasnormalized burnout and
(12:36):
martyrdom.
You know, having theseconversations of how much I have
worked, I've worked 12 hours forthe last seven days in a row.
I mean, how many times have weheard that statement?
And I have been one to say oneof those, but activity.
Is not accomplishment.
Right?
Being busy is not beingproductive, and there are days
(12:58):
when we have to work 12 hourdays and those days we're
productive every single hour,right?
But if that's the norm, we'vegot problems.
We gotta look at our systems, wegotta look at what we're trying
to control, and we're notempowering other leaders.
Okay?
Being a hero and being a martyrare two different sides of the
(13:20):
same coin.
It's, that's a little bitaggressive, and that's a little
bit dramatic, right?
But when people are praising youfor everything that you're
doing, and you're working 12hours a day, seven to 12 days in
a row, you feel good about whatyou're doing.
But when people start tellingyou what you're not doing right,
(13:43):
things that you're missing.
And you're working seven to 10days in a row, 12 hour shifts,
you're getting upset becausethey're not seeing the effort
that you're putting in.
And in those moments, I want youto ask yourself, am I busy?
Am I doing activities?
But I'm not productive, I don'tfeel accomplished.
(14:06):
That's the spinning your wheels.
It's because you're trying tocontrol too much.
You're focusing on things thatyou cannot affect change on.
And you're not paying attentionto what has to be done by you,
only you, what's expected, andthings to bring the vision and
move the community forward andnot just stay in the same
(14:28):
position, which could be anegative position.
So real talk here.
Most of us are survivingleadership.
We're not scaling it.
Control is survival mode.
Influence is scalability.
Sustainability.
It's literally being able towalk away from your phone when
(14:49):
you're at home, or literallybeing able to go on a vacation
and not worry 24 hours a day.
Freedom isn't free.
It comes from multiplyingleadership and power authority
tasks, problem solving.
Not from hoarding it.
(15:09):
You gotta give people theopportunity to sink or swim.
Think about why you're so goodat what you do.
Is it because somebody allowedyou to make mistakes and learn
from them, or is it because theydid everything for you and you
figured it out on your own?
(15:30):
Most of the time it's becausesomebody gave us projects to do
and told us to figure it out.
And we had the willingness andthe fortitude to try to do it.
We can't expect our leaders tobe who we want them or need them
to be.
if we're not giving them theopportunity to try get it right
(15:54):
or get it wrong, and learn fromthe experience.
You gotta let go of control andlet them figure it out.
Let them get uncomfortable.
Let them work it out.
We want to be able to help them,mentor them.
We don't want to bring solutionsto them all the time.
(16:17):
We wanna be a strategic coachand not necessarily the first
responder solving all theproblems.
We wanna create the space forgrowth and the opportunity to do
the work to grow.
So let's talk about the threelevels of leadership influence
that are really, reallyimportant.
(16:40):
Control based leadership is thelowest level of leadership
influence.
Okay?
This is the exhausting.
I decide everything.
I decide for you what you willdo.
I have to have the authority.
I may delegate tasks for you,but I'm gonna teach you how to
do them.
I'm gonna tell you how to dothem.
(17:02):
I'm going to potentially even doit for you because you're not
doing it well enough or fastenough, and I'm going to lead
through enforcing the rules,micromanaging, maybe some
fear-based leadership tactics inthere.
And the result of that type ofleadership, I'm sure you know,
it can be high stress, lowtrust, and disengaged teams.
(17:25):
The secret to know is thattrust, that five letter word is
where influence is born, wherethat safe space is when I feel
like I can trust somebody I'mgonna work really hard for them,
right?
At a control based leadership, Ican't even trust myself if my
(17:48):
leader is micromanaging me.
at this level, leaders aretrying to micromanage
everything, their teams, theiroutcomes, even the circumstances
that they cannot control.
The only thing going back to thefront part of this episode is
the only thing that you cancontrol.
(18:08):
Are your own choices, your ownresponses, the way that you look
at every situation.
You cannot control peopleoutcomes or circumstances.
Now, I do believe you caninfluence them, and I do believe
you can be very proactive.
You can find patterns.
You can identify the patternsyou can use the patterns, and
(18:32):
you can create patterns foryourself.
That is true.
But you cannot control all theelements to keep people in
making the right decisions, andyou have to figure out why you
wanna do that in the firstplace.
I think one of the mostfascinating things about a very
(18:54):
empowering and growth culture isthat there's creativity in
problem solving.
Okay, there's room for somebodyto look at, a wholistic
viewpoint of a resident or anincident and figure out what is
the best way to solve thisproblem.
(19:15):
If we're not given the space tothink about it critically and
creatively, then we're not gonnaget to the root of the problem.
Control based leadership failsbecause there is no creativity.
There is no room to look at aproblem and think about it from
many different angles.
(19:37):
Innovation, problem solving, oreven adaptability, becomes hard
because of the fear of failingand the reaction from a leader
who is going to get upset thatit wasn't done the way that it
was supposed to be.
There's no ownership inside of acontrol based leadership led
(19:59):
community.
Employees feel powerless,disengaged, or frustrated?
I mean, I've been there.
Haven't you been there?
No.
Retention or if there are, it'sthe wrong people.
if you're leading from a controlstandpoint, you're going to.
(20:20):
Lose people who want thecreativity, who wanna own their
department, who want to becomebetter leaders.
And you're going to keep thepeople who like the drama and
wanna fight you for control, orthe ones who are willing to do
whatever it is you say and notthink anything more about it.
(20:41):
And that's why we don't grow.
and there's no impact, Theleader is focused on what they
can't control, and so you'realways going to be busy and
nothing is going to change.
That's what control basedleadership does.
It's an incubator forshame-based leadership.
Resentment and the loss ofhighly committed employees at
(21:03):
every level.
Shame-based leadership, is whatbreeds gossip and an internal
lack of control.
And absolutely no wins.
No wins, no motivation, noinspiration, nothing.
(21:24):
Shame makes me feel not enough.
So what's the point?
We gotta let go of that.
We gotta let go of the feartactics And honestly, if you
think about senior living as awhole, all the calls that we're
on and the pressure that's givento us The threatening statements
(21:46):
that happen sometimes, whetheror not people are aware that
they're doing this or not.
These are shame-based leadershiptactics.
Whereas if you go to aninfluence based, you're looking
at the potential of people andso you're building them up,
whether in a controlled basedleadership, you're making them
feel bad that they didn't liveup to an expectation that maybe
(22:09):
wasn't even communicated.
Some warning signs of controlbased leaders.
you often address entire teamsas if everyone is the problem.
This is really important to pullout control based leaders, talk
to a team in a room, as if theentire team is the problem.
(22:34):
when you're in a room and you'retraining and you're having like
your all associate meeting oryou have to have a hard meeting.
I think it's really important toalways talk to the people who
listen and who do a great job,because what happens then is you
influence the room in a positiveway.
And you're speaking to thepotential of what could be.
(22:56):
Whereas when we speak to theentire room because one bad
Apple made a bad choice, all ofa sudden everybody feels shame.
Everybody feels controlled andnobody feels seen.
And in fact, we're starting tobuild that resentment,
especially when people call outand you start talking to the
people who actually showed up.
(23:18):
In a way that you should betalking to the people who called
out.
They are getting the brunt ofyour frustration, and they
didn't deserve it, nor did theyearn it.
It's a really powerful way.
to bring this home, make aneffort to speak to the potential
of people in big meetings so youcan influence the room up
(23:41):
instead of drag the energy down.
There are obviously meetingsthat have to be had after bad
decisions and differentcircumstances that we have to
discuss the hard things.
But when you speak about it inan influential, positive, real
way, you're going to get more ofan impact than you would than if
(24:05):
you were just talking toeverybody as if everybody made
the mistake.
Control based communication willcreate compliance, but it will
not create connection, andthat's important.
Compliance will work short term,but it doesn't necessarily
extend out long term.
(24:25):
It's exhausting.
It's unsustainable and honestlyinside senior living.
It's ineffective in ourworkforce today.
I feel like if this feels likewhere you are, I want you to
know I'm not judging you.
I've been there.
I've certainly led this way.
I've been managed this way, but.
(24:47):
There is a better way forward,and that's the point of this
influence is where we wanna go.
the next phase up the ladder isgoing to be management based
leadership.
And management based leadershipis not necessarily, I decide it
is.
I direct, and I think most of usspend our time here in
(25:11):
management.
We recognize that the only thingthat we can truly control is our
choices, but we also begin tosee that we can control our
commitment by making decisionsrooted in our own values,
vision, and personal integrity.
I believe that commitment iswhat separates success from
(25:32):
failure and management basedleadership.
You can start creatingconnection here and connection
leads to commitment.
If you can connect people'sactions with the impact, you've
got influence, you've gotconnection, you've got
commitment, you've got apositive outcome, and hopefully
you've got trust so you can letthem go and they can do the
(25:55):
right thing.
Most people default to controlbased leadership, not because it
works, but because they fearfailure.
But without failure, we knowthat there's no real success.
We know that every opportunity,every problem to solve, every
complaint that comes our way isan opportunity to grow and learn
(26:22):
and lead our teams in doingthings better.
But they have to prove that theycan.
A growth culture, one thatallows the space to make
mistakes, evaluate it, and thenlearn from it is how you're
gonna create freedom andinfluence inside of your
community.
(26:44):
Management based leadershipfeels comfortable.
It does feel comfortable.
It's where most of us operate.
I direct you, I'll tell you whatto do.
You just go and do it, right?
It keeps the community running.
It maintains order and ensuresstability, but things can be
better.
(27:05):
You know?
It's better than control based.
But you are still having to hearyour name a lot.
You're still having to directpeople and solve the problems.
We want it to be better, andthat is how we're gonna move
from managing to influencing.
And it starts with us.
It starts with rewiring how wethink about leadership.
(27:25):
Embracing discomfort as a partof growth because it is growing,
is certainly uncomfortableGrowing pains are real.
And it starts with a willingnessto step beyond control.
And here's this five littleletter word, again, trust, step
out of control and starttrusting your people.
(27:45):
If you can go from, I decide toI direct and you can trust them,
that they're gonna come to you,they're gonna do the work, and
then they're gonna give youfeedback, you can start trusting
them more.
Management based is likedelegating tasks.
And as we go into influencebased leadership, it's
delegating tasks and authority.
(28:08):
So influence based leadership iswhere the success and the
freedom lies.
And I will tell you, when youwork for a profession that is
365 days a year, seven days aweek, 24 hours a day, freedom.
Means different things than justfreedom.
(28:34):
We're, creating more freedom foryou.
We're not creating freedom foryou,'cause we all have
responsibilities inside of ourcommunity.
But influence based leadershipshifts your focus from control
to connection becauserelationships become the top
priority.
This is where you get to createa community that is truly a
(28:54):
great place to live and workthat will attract great people
to want to work inside of yourcommunity so you can develop a
team that sees their role asbeing vital to the success of
the team, right?
The success of a team are thecollective strengths of the team
members together, That is whatsuccess looks like in an
(29:18):
influential based leadershipcommunity.
The approach is different.
Again, you go back, and when yougo into meetings, you speak into
others, what you see in them,you help them take ownership of
their departments or roles.
You connect their actions totheir impact.
(29:39):
They see why they need to do acertain thing.
Hmm, and what the result is, andthey're like, oh, I wanna keep
doing that because I see thebenefit of it.
And you ensure that people andpolicies work together and never
against each other.
You don't wanna hoard all theinformation and the knowledge.
(30:00):
You want to give it out, and youwant to build people up.
Empowering others is wherefreedom is made.
You let go of control and youempower others to make
decisions, and then you supportthem along the way.
Influence gets its power throughthe strength and the
(30:22):
collaboration of the team.
You embrace your strengths, thestrengths of others, and
leverage them together.
Now, I am an elderly millennialfolks.
Do you remember Captain Planet?
Captain Planet became CaptainPlanet when all the powers
combined into one, It is whenthe collective came together,
(30:47):
intentionally delivered theirstrengths.
For the result of the bettergood That is the type of
influence that we want inside ofour communities.
That is what truly makes a greatplace to live and work.
When your team believes this,your growth.
(31:08):
Starts working on autopilot.
And I know this sounds reallylike, you know, pie in the sky.
For some of us, and maybe someof you already have this, but I
genuinely created teams that hadthis kind of flow inside of
them, I worked at four differentcommunities, and honestly, the
(31:31):
teams that I had at eachcommunity impacted my life in
such a vital way.
And each stage of my life, theywere so pivotal to my own
personal development, but itwasn't a piece of cake.
I mean, there were team membersthat turned over in certain
departments all the time, and weall had to pitch in in those
areas to different degrees.
(31:55):
But even when one or twomanagers were a constant
revolving door, the rest of uswere a tight knit group.
And I wanna say, I talk a lotabout what I do wrong because I
think that's certainly moreinteresting than what I did.
Right?
But something that I'm veryproud of myself in my leadership
(32:16):
is knowing what I was good atand what I wasn't, and allowing
culinary directors.
To be very creative.
You have a budget, you have yourorder guide.
You know where you have to orderyour food.
Go create magic, right?
Do something that lights yourfire because whatever lights
your fire, the residents aregonna enjoy the activity program
(32:39):
the same way.
I did have a little struggle inrelieving a little bit of
control over to the sales andmarketing directors.
'cause I do generally like salesand marketing.
But when I found someone whocould connect on every level and
problem solve, I had to step outand become a supporting
character instead of the maincharacter in the sales and
(33:00):
marketing efforts.
And when I had a director ofnursing that could solve
problems, answer calls, keep theregs up to date, and then tell
me what she was doing to solvethe problems, I had to step back
and let her be that person.
And there were moments where Ididn't want to, and there were
moments that I struggled andthere were moments that I picked
back up the control bag when Ishould have just let it go.
(33:24):
And there are moments that I wasso thankful that I could walk
away because I had an amazingteam.
But it starts with me as aleader and do I see potential?
Am I building them up?
And am I giving them theopportunity to get it wrong in a
safe environment where I'm gonnateach them how to get it right,
(33:46):
and I had to be okay with itbeing just okay.
For the next few episodes, Ireally wanna deep dive more into
influence based leadership andhow to shift from control to
influence.
And so we're gonna spend, mysolo episodes going over how to
shift from control basedLeadership to influence based
(34:09):
leadership.
And the next episode we're gonnatalk about how really we as a
leader can use questions to helpus shift our mindset, I believe
questions.
Or what helps people own theirdepartment and it helps us stay
(34:31):
in check to not rush tosolutions, but to offer support
and strategies for them to findtheir own solutions to their
problems.
So stay tuned for the soloepisodes in the month of May,
we're gonna dive more into thisand.
Of course, I wanna remind youabout my new Executive Director
(34:51):
Leadership Playbook that's out,getting a lot of great positive
feedback.
And if you wanna be in ourleadership accelerator, to
support this course and tosupport your mentorship, I want
to invite you.
Please feel free to email me.
It's Erin Thompson at Aspire Formore with erin.com and we will
talk about everything that thisaccelerator offers.
(35:12):
Until then.
I want you to think about this.
Leadership isn't about doingmore.
It's about influencing more andinspiring your team to grow
because influence begins whencontrol ends and leadership
(35:33):
grows when trust starts.
Freedom isn't free, but it isworth it every time.
Short term discomfort for longterm sustainability is a payoff
that you're willing to spend.
I promise you.
Thank you for your time.
(35:54):
As always, aspire for more foryou and I'll look for you the
next time.
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